July 1, 2025 • 48 mins
In this episode of Restoration Beyond the Couch, Dr. Lee Long sits down with Licensed Professional Counselor Lila Pond to unpack the unique dynamics of blending households.
Together, they explore the emotional realities, relationship shifts, and small steps that can build trust and connection over time. Whether you're living it or walking alongside someone who is, this conversation offers real insight and support.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to Restoration Beyond the Couch.
I'm Dr Lee Long, and today I'mjoined once again by Lila Pond,
licensed professional counselorand supervisor here at
Restoration Counseling.
In this episode, we're havingan honest conversation about
blended families, the uniquechallenges that are faced, some
(00:23):
of the emotional dynamics atplay and tools that can help
foster connection, trust andhealing.
Whether you're part of ablended family or working with
one, this episode offers insight, encouragement and practical
guidance for navigatingrelationships with grace and
intention.
Your path to mental wellnessstarts here.
(00:45):
Well, welcome to Beyond theCouch, lila Pond.
It is great to have you heretoday.
Speaker 2 (00:52):
Thank you, it's great to be here anytime.
Speaker 1 (00:55):
This is Restoration Beyond, beyond the Couch.
We're coming to you all fromFlorida.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
That's right.
We are way beyond the couch.
Even though we're on a couch,it's beyond the couch.
Speaker 1 (01:06):
That's exactly right.
So we're going to talk to youtoday about blended families,
and I know this is somethingthat you personally have had
experience with, and I know thatyou know, I know lots of
families have experience withblending their families, and so
(01:27):
I feel like this would be agreat topic for us to cover and
just maybe provide some insight.
So welcome, and I'd love tohear your thoughts.
Speaker 2 (01:38):
Well, you know, Lee, it's really fascinating because
I've been blending, if you will,our family since 1976.
Speaker 1 (01:48):
Just a few years.
Speaker 2 (01:49):
It's just a few.
What is this?
What 2025?
Anyway, that's a while, and atthat time of that beginning,
there were no resources, therewas not the supportive
environment, or these voices ofstudied, researched counsel, if
(02:13):
you will, to really help or aid.
And now one in three familiesare what we would term blended,
and we didn't even start theterm blended until 1972.
Speaker 1 (02:30):
Wow, isn't that fascinating.
Wow, that is fascinating.
Speaker 2 (02:40):
Yeah, that's interesting because one in three
families are blended.
And you know, I think it'sinteresting's interesting too
that even before that you thinkabout the, the disney industry
or the fair, if gosh, thinkabout rims fairy tales they come
up with the um.
This term step mother, stepchildren, whatever that term
(03:02):
actually in the old englishmeant bereaved orphan right it's
s-t-e-o-p.
I'm not even going to try topronounce it, but it was one of
those uh terms to identify you.
There there was a shorterlifespan and mortality was super
(03:27):
high.
Speaker 1 (03:28):
Right, and so well shorter lifespan, which, in turn
, Well, but I think that's agood point, is it?
Yes, a shorter lifespan, butthe mortality rate being high
like I mean you could die fromthe flu like things that we
would take for granted, so thatall makes sense.
Speaker 2 (03:44):
Oh my gosh, you could die from an abscess tooth you
know because of sepsis orwhatever and I might be making
that up, I'm not sure, but I dothink it's very fascinating that
they would take these preciouschildren who were left and had
no parents any longer, and putthem into families, and they
(04:08):
were bereaved.
They weren't just orphans, theywere bereaved orphans.
What an appropriate term andnot to put a dark cloud or
anything, but I mean we've gotto consider the fact that
there's a certain amount ofgrief involved.
Speaker 1 (04:23):
Sure, sure, Because every kid that I've ever worked
with that is coming from aseparated or divorced family.
There is this mindset that Ithink that they carry for a long
time that maybe someday myparents could get back together.
(04:44):
And when a step parent isintroduced, there is a new
grieving cycle for that child orthat kid.
Speaker 2 (04:54):
Well, and grief I say this a lot and I hear this a
lot that grief is like acompanion and it's something
that travels along with us, likebackground music in a, in an
elevator or a restaurant youknow because it states someone
(05:16):
something mattered deeply to me.
Sometimes we grieve the loss ofa job or whatever, but grieving
the loss of family, that meansour, our family structure, the
way it was truly mattered.
Speaker 1 (05:30):
Right.
Speaker 2 (05:30):
You know, and it does .
I'm not minimizing that, but Ido want to just point out that
to me, the problem with thelabel step is the the
connotation of the villain.
Yes, step is the connotation ofthe villain, either it coming
from the children, like astepchild, or the parental side
(05:52):
of it, a stepfather, astepmother.
There's this kind ofvillainization and sometimes I
wonder if Grimm's fairy tales,disney movies, et cetera did
they create that image, or didwe as people in our humanity,
did we create?
(06:13):
that image, and that's whatconcerns me some for today.
Oh, how I hope that itencourages folks to really give
thought to how they enterblending and how they sustain
blending, because I'm going tobe real honest here Every single
(06:37):
family on the planet blends insome way or another.
Speaker 1 (06:41):
That is so true Because, to your point, you come
from his culture and herculture Good, and you create
their culture or our culture.
Speaker 2 (06:52):
That's exactly right.
And then you have children andthose children, much to our
expectation and goal, launchinto the world and meet a lovely
partner, spouse, whatever, andthey become a family.
And then we blend with theirfamily and their family's family
(07:16):
.
And so there's just a blendingprocess that takes place in our
lives and our families.
And I love the way the Frenchand I'm going to look at my
notes some here just because Idon't want to miss anything, but
the French handle the termdifferently.
They use the term belle-filleor belle-fille, meaning
(07:40):
beautiful daughter and beautifulson, and I'd love to see us use
that with mother and father,because I'm a little bit of a
word nerd and I know that I lovewords.
I think words are very powerfuland the way we choose to
describe things, the tone we use, the definition of definition
(08:02):
of certain situations, can trulycreate an image.
And so one thing, and I'll giveyou a personal example I can
remember when people would saywhat you have eight kids.
They want to know immediatelyhow many did you give birth to?
(08:22):
Right, you give birth to andthey say when I say, well, four
are my precious stepdaughtersthat came with my late husband
when we married in 1976.
And they are so important to me.
Then we had five children.
(08:43):
We lost one, had four more byour eighth wedding anniversary.
We had eight kids in our family.
Now, that's not to theexclusion of their biological
mother.
But I would get this look likeoh, oh, okay, oh okay.
And it's almost like,immediately a judgment is placed
(09:06):
on the acquisition, if you will, of children in a marriage.
But, oh my gosh, there has tobe a birth in the heart for that
.
Speaker 1 (09:22):
That's a really good way to say that.
Thank you, Because it truly is.
It's a space of integrating andbringing forth something so
beautiful.
I mean it's bringing forthfamily.
Speaker 2 (09:40):
Right, Right and Lee, if you stop and think about it,
I mean those kids didn't ask tobe here Exactly and they didn't
ask to be in this situation.
Right, Right and Lee, if youstop and think about it, I mean
those kids didn't ask to be hereExactly and they didn't ask to
be in this situation.
Speaker 1 (09:49):
Right.
Speaker 2 (09:50):
And so to treat them as though they're tainted.
Speaker 1 (09:55):
Or burdensome.
Speaker 2 (09:57):
Or burdensome Boy.
That's a great point Is socruel.
Speaker 1 (10:02):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (10:02):
To the children, and I may sound a little bit harsh
here and that's not my point,but I don't want to soft-pedal
this, because people who areblending families are adults.
Speaker 1 (10:19):
That's right.
Speaker 2 (10:21):
And so I'm speaking to the adults today.
That's right.
And so I'm speaking to theadults today.
Yeah, and hopefully kids willget the benefit of adults,
learning a new or a different,more effective way of blending
so that they may blend, becauseI guarantee you, the children
today will be confronted withblending a family.
Speaker 1 (10:46):
I think without question, because it's one in
three families are blending nowand it makes me wonder what were
the statistics in 1976?
I would say that they werelower, because I think blending
families is like you said.
It's something that a lot ofpeople are having to deal with.
Speaker 2 (11:00):
Exactly.
I remember one specific time Ihad accompanied the oldest of my
stepdaughters and I'm going touse that term, even though in
our family we use that foroutsiders, but inside we don't
consider anybody a step anything, but we do define it outside
(11:23):
because to be respectful.
but we do define it outsidebecause to be respectful,
because I will say, and I'mgoing to make a statement and I
hope that nobody rolls theireyes, so please control your eye
rolls.
But I would not have the joy ofthe uniqueness of the four
older stepdaughters withouttheir mother.
Speaker 1 (11:46):
Right.
Speaker 2 (11:47):
And now my late husband passed away.
I remarried and my precioushusband today has two grown
adult children.
So I've done this with youngchildren and with adult children
.
I wouldn't have those twowonderful adult children in my
(12:08):
life without their mother.
So both of those mothers I'm sograteful for them.
I want the kids to have astrong, healthy relationship
with their mothers, otherwisethey can't have a healthy
relationship with me, and so Ihope that challenges people to
(12:28):
change their perspective.
There is no enemy in a blendedfamily unless we create one, and
I know that's a biggeneralization.
So everybody, stay in your seat, sure.
Speaker 1 (12:41):
Well, it is a generalization.
However, I do think that thethings that I've seen in my
office are when families areangry with, or when when ex
partners are angry with, is notgoing to have broken up.
It would not have ended indivorce if everything was hunky
(13:08):
dory Although I will say that agood friend of mine, she said
that she was with her ex-husbandon the sofa in the therapist's
office and she looked at thetherapist and said I think you
want this marriage more than wedo, and she said.
She looked at her ex-husbandand said I think we need to call
(13:32):
this a day before you and Ihate each other so much that we
rip apart what little we haveleft between us to raise our
kids in a really productivemanner.
I thought, wow, that was reallymature when there was an
understanding that this wasnever going to be resolvable,
(13:55):
and I think that the thing thatI see, though, there's that
animosity, that animosity, andit's how can we rise above the
animosity that that the exspouses or ex partners don't
have to have a relationship withone another.
They can simply and I've seenthis done really well when
(14:18):
there's been hurt and betrayaland pain, they simply focus on
the kids and the kid like theonly discussions they have are
the discussions about their kids, the only way that they were.
They discuss the kids and I'veseen that work really well, in
that focusing on them helpseverybody kind of reset their
(14:41):
mind to this is what this?
is about Exactly Is making surethat our kids do well in spite
of the fact that we divorced.
Speaker 2 (14:52):
Right and and I think that is so majorly important
and, trust me, I didn't get itall right and the only way that
I am an expert is I'm an experton me, the things I've done well
and the things I've done poorly, and the things that I did
(15:13):
right and the things I did wrong.
Whatever, however you want tocoin it, I own it and it's.
If I do anything by lookingbackwards, it's let me take the
things I didn't do well andlearn from them and do things as
I move forward more effectively.
(15:34):
But I think the key here islove.
Speaker 1 (15:37):
I agree.
Speaker 2 (15:38):
And it doesn't mean that we have to love, doesn't
mean we excuse behaviors.
Right, that we have to lovedoesn't mean we excuse behaviors
.
Speaker 1 (15:44):
Right.
Speaker 2 (15:45):
But love says I'm not going to pour up a cup of
poison and have my kids drink itso that it hurts and kills you.
Do you see what I'm saying?
Speaker 1 (15:56):
Right.
Speaker 2 (15:59):
And the kids are the ones who absorb all of that
poison, that toxicity.
Yeah, and toxicity, that's agood word, because we see that
when children are in an intact,traditional family and there's
an alcoholic, one of the parentsis an alcoholic, the kids think
they did it, are there.
If I was a better kid, daddywouldn't drink.
Or if I was better, mommywouldn't leave all the time.
Speaker 1 (16:21):
Or if I was better fill in the blank, and that is
their way of looking for control.
Speaker 2 (16:27):
If we were building a skyscraper, we would need under
reams and a lot of support deepinto the earth.
And these are three deep,foundational points that over
time, I have found extremelyimportant, but also,
professionally, I have found areextremely important, whether
it's in my own family or helpingother families, and those are
(16:51):
love, choice and maturity.
Love let's start with love.
It's not the airy fairy, oh,just love them.
It's not a feeling.
I'm not talking about love as afeeling.
I'm talking about that grittydecision to commit, to love and
(17:15):
embrace and do the work, takeaction.
It's an action word.
All three of these words areaction words.
They are action words.
Speaker 1 (17:22):
When you think about love.
It is patient, it's kind andit's long-suffering.
Speaker 2 (17:26):
Exactly.
Speaker 1 (17:26):
And it doesn't hold the negatives.
It doesn't keep things againstpeople.
Exactly so you're right, it isan action word.
Speaker 2 (17:37):
And two, it involves grace, it involves forgiveness,
and forgiveness does not mean,oh, it's okay what you did to me
.
Speaker 1 (17:48):
That's right.
Speaker 2 (17:48):
Forgiveness means that I'm forgiving for me.
Speaker 1 (17:53):
That's right.
Speaker 2 (17:54):
Not for the one who's offended, and I hope others
will forgive for themselves andnot for what I've done.
I need to seek amends and makeamends for what I've done.
That's right, and the otherperson I hope will forgive.
In other words, release me orrelease whomever from wanting
(18:20):
justice and wanting some type ofI don't know debt payment.
Speaker 1 (18:22):
It's not a legal system.
Well, the way that I've alwaysheard it said is wanting a pound
of flesh.
It's wanting that payback.
Speaker 2 (18:31):
Right and you're releasing that desire.
And in that what happens istying it then to choice.
I am choosing to love in thatway and understand that in a
family that we're blending,there has to be a margin and a
(18:55):
space for our human behaviors attimes, Doesn't mean that that,
um, it's okay to just makemistakes, and Right to be
whimsical and willy-nilly andnot care or be concerned about
Right.
Exactly, it means that we'rechoosing to discuss and to take
(19:19):
the high road.
Speaker 1 (19:21):
Yeah, and what's interesting is when you think
about the terms, which I lovethese, when you think about the
term love in this case that Iwas telling you about earlier,
is this dad had to make adecision to love his daughter
that he co-created with a womanthat hurt him deeply.
(19:44):
I mean, she hurt him to hiscore and almost, almost cracked
his frame.
Speaker 2 (19:52):
So to speak.
Speaker 1 (19:54):
And he had to learn to forgive so that he could be
open Once he saw that hecouldn't love his daughter well
because he still had so muchanimosity towards his ex-wife.
He had to learn to forgive andhe had to learn to love to your
point love himself enough to seethat he could let go of her
(20:20):
offense.
Speaker 2 (20:21):
Right, and that was one of my main points under the
activity.
If you will, or the tool ofloving is that it is about,
you've got to love yourself, andthat is not arrogance.
It is a humble gratitude thatyou are you.
Speaker 1 (20:40):
Right.
Speaker 2 (20:41):
And you are in this, now, in this family.
Speaker 1 (20:44):
And, as you see, it is not selfish either, the
unforgiveness that this fatherwas living with you want to talk
about selfish.
He was projecting his hurt ontohis daughter and it was
crushing her.
Speaker 2 (21:02):
Well, and Lee, I mean , stop and think about it.
If I want you to love me as theparent more than you love the
ex-parent, that is selfish Right.
But if I love myself enough andam secure secure in attachment
to myself and that I bring meand the value of who I am to the
(21:27):
table, and the other people inthe family love and are securely
attached to themselves, bringthemselves to the table.
I know that's very ideal, butthat's the goal that would be
the goal.
Then I don't have to.
I'm not concerned about whoelse you love because there's
room.
And I've said this and let metell you I got to get a plug in
(21:48):
here for my sweet.
I was calling my new husband.
He is so precious.
He leaves so much space for thelove that I have had and still
have for my late husband and heaccepts that I have huge love
(22:10):
incomparable it's not comparablefor him as well and he balances
that so beautifully and heencourages that and he
encourages my adult children.
The youngest was 27 when theirdaddy died and then 29 was 38
(22:32):
ish when I remarried.
Speaker 1 (22:34):
Okay, let's don't throw out too many numbers,
because then y'all know how oldI am.
Speaker 2 (22:39):
But anyway he encourages them, speaking of
their dad.
He encourages and embracesbecause he says, well, he built
this family too.
He created a loving atmospherethat welcomes me.
That's right.
And again, we don't doeverything right, but by golly
(23:02):
that gets done right and well,and I adore that.
Speaker 1 (23:08):
Absolutely, because it gives everybody room to be
Right.
I mean, you think about these,you know where you're not
allowed to even speak the otherperson's name.
They say the person who shallnot be named and I just think,
okay, I understand that there'sa presence and all of that.
There's a lot of pain, but it'slike when you're blending a
(23:33):
family, you have to blend withlove, like that has to be the
primary ingredient.
And I look, I know to yourpoint that that there are going
to be people who do boneheadedthings and they continue to do
boneheaded things because theymay refuse to be healthy.
And in those experiences, Ithink that what, what, what
(23:54):
needs to be considered is I canonly control what I can control,
which is me, and I haveinfluence over the environment,
but the environment may not beopen to my suggestions or to the
things that I hope, I hope toinfluence.
(24:14):
It may not be influenceable.
Meaning there are families thatI've worked with and I'm sure
you as well, where there is anex-partner, an ex-spouse that is
not willing to work with themin any way, shape or form, and
that brings me to so love.
Speaker 2 (24:36):
And then you wrap that around choice, and then you
take that and you I mean I'mputting out a plaintive plea
Adults, be mature, be in youradult ego state because you are
an adult.
Kids can only be in their childbrain.
Adults, we have an adult brainand we have an adult ego state.
(24:59):
We can regress to our childbrain.
Adults, we have an adult brainand we have an adult ego state.
We can regress to our childbrain.
Children cannot.
What would be the opposite ofregress, progress, progress to
their adult brain, becausethey're not there.
That's not possible.
Speaker 1 (25:14):
It's not formed yet, right.
Speaker 2 (25:16):
Yeah, that's like when I was young and I was four
foot 10, I couldn't just grow tofive foot nine and then grow
back down when I am in thatstate, right, maybe that's not a
very good example, but you getmy drift.
Speaker 1 (25:30):
I think it's a great example.
Speaker 2 (25:31):
Well, and here we are .
Children only have their childbrain.
We have our adult brain and wehave the ability to use that
maturity and not go to thejealous place of oh every time
she says his name.
Oh my gosh, my sweet husbandsays, why would I be jealous and
(25:55):
same with me, that was beforeme and that was a painful time
in y'all's lives.
That should hopefully I'm usingthe S word should, sorry, but
that would hopefully bring upsome compassion for everyone.
Speaker 1 (26:14):
Yes, and I think that the key to that is you have to
work through your own hurt.
Speaker 2 (26:19):
Exactly.
Speaker 1 (26:20):
Because if we walk around wounded, then we create,
we create so much more pain.
You know, because the old adagehurt people, hurt people.
Speaker 2 (26:29):
Right right.
Speaker 1 (26:30):
And so it's worth it to put that well, to walk
through that hurt.
I was going to say put thathurt to bed, but that hurt, like
you said, is like grief.
Speaker 2 (26:41):
It is there yeah, you know what a really great tool
for that is.
And and I learned this goingthrough pia melodies uh,
training for post inductiontherapy, where it's um
developmentally immaturereactions to life, is to say ooh
(27:03):
, how old do I feel, right?
Speaker 1 (27:05):
now.
Speaker 2 (27:06):
I'm the adult, how old do I feel right now?
Am I matching the 12-year-oldbecause it's hitting a wound in
me or whatever is going on?
And that is so helpful as the,the blending process, the
step-parent, or just even ifyou're a daughter-in-law or a
(27:28):
father-in-law or a mother-in-law, please, if we're reacting, we
need to say how old do I feelright now and why am I being so
protective or why am I hittingan intense reaction?
And usually it's because we'rehitting a wound that maybe we
haven't healed yet.
Speaker 1 (27:44):
Right, it's activating that network Exactly.
Speaker 2 (27:47):
You know I like to tell clients often that triggers
are external.
We cannot control triggers.
They're going to happen andthey're outside of us.
It's what it activates insideof me that I need to be aware of
.
It's knowing.
What is this saying to me aboutme?
(28:09):
That's a Lee Long saying and Ilove that and that's very
helpful.
Why am I getting so ramped upabout this?
Well, because he nope.
What is it in me?
And I think that is thematurity factor and that's that
part of loving, choosing andbeing mature in that whole
(28:32):
trifecta.
Speaker 1 (28:33):
I think that's right and I think about all the
families that I've worked withand all the families I'm sure
you've worked with that wechoose love.
Speaker 2 (28:43):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (28:44):
And sometimes it is just the choice of love for the
child sitting in front of you.
Cause, like you said theydidn't choose this Right and you
think about choosing, choosingthe child, choosing love for
them, choosing love for yourpartner, your, your current
partner, because that's theirchild.
Speaker 2 (29:06):
That's 50% them.
Speaker 1 (29:08):
Right, and so it is a .
It is a sometimes it's asacrificial love, because some
of these kids are want to, orsome.
There are some kids who do wantthat your relationship not to
work out, and so they at timeswill as I call metal.
Speaker 2 (29:27):
So that was.
I'm glad you brought that upbecause I really want to talk
about the challenges to thechildren and I'm just going to
kind of read this little excerptthat I wrote, so that I don't
miss anything, because we are onvacation a little bit Vacation
brain, right.
So divorce and blending aredifficult for children of any
age.
Their greatest struggle isgrieving the loss of their
(29:52):
original family structure whilethey're trying to remain loyal
to both their original familyand embrace their new one.
Think about that, right, andand in that children often love
both parents, but they'll feeluncomfortable expressing this to
either parent, and especiallywhen the parents don't get along
(30:14):
, and we've kind of covered thata little bit.
But I want to highlight that asone of the biggest challenges
in blending.
And so the situation worsenswhen parents openly express
disdain for each other or usechildren as messengers back and
forth.
I can't even talk to your father, so just tell him to pick you
all up at four, dad.
(30:35):
Mom said to pick us up at four.
No, I can't pick you up at four.
Tell her I have a meeting, mom.
Dad has a meeting at work.
Can you imagine the heavinessthat is on a child?
and how that is.
It is like a sort of in ourbodies If we have an infection,
the body starts producing whiteblood cells to fight that
(30:58):
infection and then it goes crazyand we're really, really sick.
We're doing that to our kidsright If we use them to be the
go-between.
So that's a challenge forchildren.
They don't understandboundaries and they certainly
don't want to stand up to one oftheir parents and be dis.
Well, maybe they do want to bedisrespectful at times.
Speaker 1 (31:20):
Well, they may respond in a disrespectful way,
exactly Because they just don'tknow how to set that limit.
Speaker 2 (31:25):
Exactly, and nor should we expect them to.
They're learning boundaries.
Speaker 1 (31:30):
They should know better, except we've never
taught them Exactly.
Speaker 2 (31:33):
And they're children, right.
They're not adults, that'sright.
So to have an expectation of achild that I can't believe.
You spilled your milk at thetable.
I'll never forget one time ourdad he was, I mean having a
wall-eyed fit about spilling atthe table.
Every time we sit down,somebody spills something and
(31:55):
that's got to stop and his handhit his glass and he spilled
something.
We're all like, yes, jesusloves me, moment, but it was
(32:15):
just really a picture of how wecannot expect kids to be adults.
So please don't treat them thatway, or treat them as a
messenger, and allow them toexpress, not repress, the love
they have, or even if they misstheir family, their other parent
or the family the way it was.
I don't like that.
We have to do Christmas at twoplaces.
You know what, sweetie I'msorry that I hear you and I know
(32:39):
that's hard and let themexpress it, right.
The problem is we take itpersonally, right?
Speaker 1 (32:48):
it.
The problem is we take itpersonally.
Yeah, we have to work throughour pain to be able to see that
it's okay that they express that.
Speaker 2 (32:53):
Well, and I don't think that they're saying I
don't love what we have here, Ijust miss and grieve that.
So that's one of the challengesfor the children is the ability
to express and it not bequelled or see the look on the
other parent's face, or even thestep siblings, or maybe they're
(33:17):
half siblings, et cetera.
Look, there's enough love in afamily for all everyone.
Speaker 1 (33:24):
I think, at the end of the day, the thing that I
would encourage the things thatI'm hearing you say, the things
that I've seen I think that, atthe end of the day, what I would
encourage is, if you areblending a family, do your own
personal work.
Speaker 2 (33:44):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (33:45):
Because you have to show up a whole person to walk
into or to lead a family intoblending Right and you have to
be able to see things well.
You know and I think about youknow your amazing husband, who
is, who has done his work, andso there isn't the jealousy,
(34:06):
there is that willingness to say, look, I'm being welcomed into
this family that your latehusband, that he helped create,
and acknowledging that, and evenin that acknowledgement it
knits him further or closer intoour family, and the beauty of
(34:28):
that.
Speaker 2 (34:29):
Right, right, that is so, truly.
And look, that's not easy foreveryone, and I know these are
guidelines, sure, but it ispossible.
Sure, but it is possible.
(34:51):
And if something is possiblethat makes our society better,
then why not take the?
Speaker 1 (34:54):
high road, yeah, and this doesn't.
I love what.
I love what you're saying andit does not.
There's no such thing asperfection oh no let's just do
this with our whole heart.
Speaker 2 (35:05):
Right.
Well, I tell you what it suremakes life more peaceful
internally, even when there's astorm.
Speaker 1 (35:12):
Yeah, totally.
Speaker 2 (35:14):
Even when there's a storm.
I think the next area is forparents.
What are the challenges forparents?
Parenting in any family isdifficult, and the more parents
that are involved, the morecomplicated it becomes, and so
it requires a consistent postureof compromise and communication
(35:37):
, and communication from anadult ego state To another adult
yes to another adult.
I know that's not alwayspossible and you can't control
the other, but you can controlyourself and you can control how
you communicate and also, um,in parenting.
You may not agree, but thereare some great resources on
(35:59):
parallel parenting.
Where you allow you, you agreethat that family has parenting
this way and we do parentingthis way.
But let's let the kids knowneither way is the better way or
the right or wrong way, butwhen you're there, you need to
follow their guidelines.
When you're here, you followour rules or guidelines or
(36:22):
whatever.
Speaker 1 (36:22):
Be gentle with the kids, because following two
separate rule sets is tough.
Speaker 2 (36:27):
It's very tough, right, and so I totally I think
it's better if we can parenttogether.
Speaker 1 (36:35):
Sure, it's much more cohesive.
However, that may not bepossible To your point.
Speaker 2 (36:40):
Yeah, and can I just say too here a little bit on a
soapbox here as a grandparentstay out of it unless you're
invited, Please, Amen, Becausethat is another form of
intrusion on a blended family.
(37:01):
And be careful the words thatyou use like well, those
children or these kids.
Well, now, these kids can come,but those children.
Don't do that as a grandparent,because then it's like throwing
a rock into a blender whenyou're trying to make your
smoothie in the morning.
It's going to tear that thingup.
Speaker 1 (37:22):
Don't be the rock.
Don't be the rock in theblender.
Speaker 2 (37:25):
And whether it's grandparents or extended family,
whatever yes.
Right.
My late husband had the used tosay to me it's about concentric
circles.
In the center is the couple,the two of us that are in this
family, next circle out thechildren, next circle out our
(37:49):
parents and our siblings, nextcircle out the bigger part of
the family, next circle outfriends, acquaintances, the
world.
Those concentric circles do nottell the center how to manage
the next tight circle of thechildren.
Right, right, unless asked,right you know, and so
(38:11):
unsolicited advice is usuallyunwelcomed.
It's just like we put signs onour doors no solicitating or
whatever Right so anyway.
So for blended couples, one ofthe, so that's for parents, the
children.
It's been created thatdiscomfort and being made a
messenger or a go-between.
(38:32):
Don't do it, because that'shard on the kids.
Speaker 1 (38:35):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (38:35):
For the parents please come to an adult
agreement about parenting andabout acceptance and respect.
And then for couples blendedfamilies are often older and so
they're more set in their waysas people.
They have more traditions andexpectations, and so the gap
(38:57):
between hopes and reality can bejarring.
Yeah, right.
So for couples, add the naturalloyalty to existing
relationships with your childrenthat you bring with you, and
the couple's relationship faceunique pressures, right, the
couple?
Speaker 1 (39:14):
relationship.
Speaker 2 (39:15):
And so, remember, there are many types of blended
families those that are formedfrom divorce, those that are
formed from death, those thatare formed from maybe first
marriage had children and firstmarriage didn't have children.
I mean, there are all kinds ofinteresting ways that we blend
(39:36):
and so each situation is unique.
So don't read or talk to orexpect that somebody else is
going to give you a formula or away to do it, because you're
unique.
Speaker 1 (39:52):
And it keeps coming back to folks.
There's no getting around it.
We have to be whole, we have todo our work.
Speaker 2 (40:01):
Right.
So I think the three strategies.
I'd love to leave people with.
I'm not sure what our timeframeis, but for adults, be adults,
please.
You know you may get wet matterthan a wet hand, but please,
please, please, handle it like ahuman being and not a wet hand.
(40:24):
Please it like a human beingand not a wet hand, please.
And I love the book by John Leecalled Growing Yourself Back Up
.
It lists the red flags ofregressions.
That'll help you understandwhen you're going into a
regression to a younger egostate Ask yourself, how old do I
feel right now?
And it helps you stay with youradult self.
In parenting keyword cooperatePlease, for the sake of the kids
(40:51):
, align your parentingapproaches within the new
coupleship that's got to comefirst.
You agree, under this roof,we're going to do this this way
and then work toward negotiatinghow to do that with the other
household.
And then for couples, oh please, just resolve.
(41:12):
Don't win when we have anargument, because arguments are
going to come up in this newblended family, oh gosh.
Speaker 1 (41:19):
And arguments are not meant to be won.
Speaker 2 (41:21):
They're meant to be resolved Right, and so that's
where the rupture is repaired.
We resolve it, and that doesn'tmean that it all goes my way.
Speaker 1 (41:35):
Yeah, it can't.
Speaker 2 (41:37):
Right Because the world doesn't.
Speaker 1 (41:40):
As one of our siblings says, often the axis of
the world cannot be firmlyfixed to your backside so that
the world revolves around you.
Speaker 2 (41:50):
Right, exactly, and conflict is meant to be resolved
.
And hey, let's face it, there'sconflict in every day, in small
ways and large ways.
Conflict does not have to befeared, and it doesn't have to
be nasty and it doesn't have tobe something that's explosive.
Conflict is actually anopportunity to know and
(42:14):
understand the other person.
Speaker 1 (42:16):
Yeah, it's a doorway to intimacy.
Speaker 2 (42:18):
There you go.
Speaker 1 (42:19):
And it's also, I'm sorry, we just have to what, we
just have to figure that outtogether.
Speaker 2 (42:24):
Right.
I remember as a little girlwalking with our grandfather on
the long side.
He had a farm and he had fencesaround like I don't know 300
acres and he'd say, okay, it'stime to walk the fences and see
where the gaps are, and so I'vealways liked that example that
(42:48):
it's good to go back and reflecton weight.
I think I have a gap in myboundary system here and
boundaries are.
There are only two kinds ofboundaries in life protection
boundary, containment boundary.
I'm responsible for containingmyself and not barreling out
there and jumping into somebodyelse's issue, and I'm also
(43:08):
responsible for not allowingsomeone's issue to be poured out
on me.
I mean I just move over and letit go by.
It doesn't mean, things don'tsting or hurt, but we have
protection boundaries and wehave so many areas that we can
talk about this, these thingsfurther in other podcasts.
But you know, blending isn'teasy, but with love and choice,
(43:32):
maturity, and if we can also beadults, if we can also seek to
be cooperative yeah, and thenalso just truly look at being
loving and mature.
And what was that last thing Isaid?
Oh yes, resolve, don't win,it's about resolving and not
(43:53):
winning.
Then I think it's possible tocreate something new and
beautiful, and it doesn't haveto be threatening to anyone else
.
It's important to remember thatyou're not trying to replace the
past or what was.
You're working toward buildingsomething new that honors the
(44:17):
past while embracing the presentand the future, and that goes
in line with what you werementioning about this tradition.
In Japan, they even offer ittoday in stores where you
purchase a bowl, it's broken,they take it and they fuse this
(44:41):
like epoxy or lacquer and putthe pieces back together and
then cover it with gold.
Is that what you were talkingabout?
And then the bowl is somethingmore beautiful and stronger and
valuable.
And it's not that it's morebeautiful, it's without the old
pieces, it is beautiful becauseof the old pieces, and I do
(45:05):
remember telling my husband'sdaughter and son that, you know,
both of us found ourselves in aplace.
Their dad and myself foundourselves in a place that we
didn't want to be in.
I never wanted to be a widowand he never wanted to be
divorced, and yet we are.
And here we are and here we are.
(45:27):
And so now, how can we takewhat was and make it into
something that is and will be,that will be loving and
welcoming to all?
10 of the beautiful products ofthe past and the now Right?
So if you are struggling withblending, please seek
(45:54):
professional help or friendsthat you know are reliable
resources.
Maybe not call it friendscommunity that is reliable, not
just opinionated.
Speaker 1 (46:04):
Right?
Who will call you out on yourstuff?
Speaker 2 (46:07):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (46:07):
Who will be a positive but honest reflection
and who can help you sortthrough stuff, to you becoming
more authentically you.
Speaker 2 (46:19):
Right, yeah, and you know, Lee, sometimes people ask
do you love me more than yourdeceased spouse or do you love
me more than your ex-spouse?
Okay, that is such a childishanswer.
That's like a firstborn sayingdo you love me more than this
new baby?
I'll never forget one of mygrandsons, when another grandson
(46:43):
was not, it wasn't his brother,but it was his cousin was born
and we're all gathered and I'mholding that baby and he looks
at me and he goes Gigi, are yougoing to love him more than you
love me?
And I was like, oh, my goodness, what an interesting question.
Thanks for asking me that.
However, I have enough love forall of you.
(47:06):
That's unique to you.
And I said well, let me ask youa question Are you going to
love me, Are you going to loveyour friends one day more than
you love me?
Because I was just kind ofcurious to see what he would say
.
And he goes, probably.
Speaker 1 (47:26):
So there's got to be room in there for honesty and
for growth.
Speaker 2 (47:32):
So do you see the difference between the adult
response and the child response?
Yeah, right, that's right hedidn't have room to grow yet to
understand the difference.
Speaker 1 (47:40):
So anyway, that's right, this has been such a
privilege to talk about thissubject.
Yeah, thank you for sharing allyour wisdom and experience.
Thank you, thank you.
Speaker 2 (47:54):
Because you know, when you make enough mistakes,
you learn things.
Thank you All right, thank you.
Welcome to Restoration Beyond the Couch.
I'm Dr Lee Long, and today I'mjoined once again by Lila Pond,
licensed professional counselorand supervisor here at
Restoration Counseling.
In this episode, we're havingan honest conversation about
blended families, the uniquechallenges that are faced, some
(00:23):
of the emotional dynamics atplay and tools that can help
foster connection, trust andhealing.
Whether you're part of ablended family or working with
one, this episode offers insight, encouragement and practical
guidance for navigatingrelationships with grace and
intention.
Your path to mental wellnessstarts here.
(00:45):
Well, welcome to Beyond theCouch, lila Pond.
It is great to have you heretoday.
Speaker 2 (00:52):
Thank you, it's great to be here anytime.
Speaker 1 (00:55):
This is Restoration Beyond, beyond the Couch.
We're coming to you all fromFlorida.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
That's right.
We are way beyond the couch.
Even though we're on a couch,it's beyond the couch.
Speaker 1 (01:06):
That's exactly right.
So we're going to talk to youtoday about blended families,
and I know this is somethingthat you personally have had
experience with, and I know thatyou know, I know lots of
families have experience withblending their families, and so
(01:27):
I feel like this would be agreat topic for us to cover and
just maybe provide some insight.
So welcome, and I'd love tohear your thoughts.
Speaker 2 (01:38):
Well, you know, Lee, it's really fascinating because
I've been blending, if you will,our family since 1976.
Speaker 1 (01:48):
Just a few years.
Speaker 2 (01:49):
It's just a few.
What is this?
What 2025?
Anyway, that's a while, and atthat time of that beginning,
there were no resources, therewas not the supportive
environment, or these voices ofstudied, researched counsel, if
(02:13):
you will, to really help or aid.
And now one in three familiesare what we would term blended,
and we didn't even start theterm blended until 1972.
Speaker 1 (02:30):
Wow, isn't that fascinating.
Wow, that is fascinating.
Speaker 2 (02:40):
Yeah, that's interesting because one in three
families are blended.
And you know, I think it'sinteresting's interesting too
that even before that you thinkabout the, the disney industry
or the fair, if gosh, thinkabout rims fairy tales they come
up with the um.
This term step mother, stepchildren, whatever that term
(03:02):
actually in the old englishmeant bereaved orphan right it's
s-t-e-o-p.
I'm not even going to try topronounce it, but it was one of
those uh terms to identify you.
There there was a shorterlifespan and mortality was super
(03:27):
high.
Speaker 1 (03:28):
Right, and so well shorter lifespan, which, in turn
, Well, but I think that's agood point, is it?
Yes, a shorter lifespan, butthe mortality rate being high
like I mean you could die fromthe flu like things that we
would take for granted, so thatall makes sense.
Speaker 2 (03:44):
Oh my gosh, you could die from an abscess tooth you
know because of sepsis orwhatever and I might be making
that up, I'm not sure, but I dothink it's very fascinating that
they would take these preciouschildren who were left and had
no parents any longer, and putthem into families, and they
(04:08):
were bereaved.
They weren't just orphans, theywere bereaved orphans.
What an appropriate term andnot to put a dark cloud or
anything, but I mean we've gotto consider the fact that
there's a certain amount ofgrief involved.
Speaker 1 (04:23):
Sure, sure, Because every kid that I've ever worked
with that is coming from aseparated or divorced family.
There is this mindset that Ithink that they carry for a long
time that maybe someday myparents could get back together.
(04:44):
And when a step parent isintroduced, there is a new
grieving cycle for that child orthat kid.
Speaker 2 (04:54):
Well, and grief I say this a lot and I hear this a
lot that grief is like acompanion and it's something
that travels along with us, likebackground music in a, in an
elevator or a restaurant youknow because it states someone
(05:16):
something mattered deeply to me.
Sometimes we grieve the loss ofa job or whatever, but grieving
the loss of family, that meansour, our family structure, the
way it was truly mattered.
Speaker 1 (05:30):
Right.
Speaker 2 (05:30):
You know, and it does .
I'm not minimizing that, but Ido want to just point out that
to me, the problem with thelabel step is the the
connotation of the villain.
Yes, step is the connotation ofthe villain, either it coming
from the children, like astepchild, or the parental side
(05:52):
of it, a stepfather, astepmother.
There's this kind ofvillainization and sometimes I
wonder if Grimm's fairy tales,disney movies, et cetera did
they create that image, or didwe as people in our humanity,
did we create?
(06:13):
that image, and that's whatconcerns me some for today.
Oh, how I hope that itencourages folks to really give
thought to how they enterblending and how they sustain
blending, because I'm going tobe real honest here Every single
(06:37):
family on the planet blends insome way or another.
Speaker 1 (06:41):
That is so true Because, to your point, you come
from his culture and herculture Good, and you create
their culture or our culture.
Speaker 2 (06:52):
That's exactly right.
And then you have children andthose children, much to our
expectation and goal, launchinto the world and meet a lovely
partner, spouse, whatever, andthey become a family.
And then we blend with theirfamily and their family's family
(07:16):
.
And so there's just a blendingprocess that takes place in our
lives and our families.
And I love the way the Frenchand I'm going to look at my
notes some here just because Idon't want to miss anything, but
the French handle the termdifferently.
They use the term belle-filleor belle-fille, meaning
(07:40):
beautiful daughter and beautifulson, and I'd love to see us use
that with mother and father,because I'm a little bit of a
word nerd and I know that I lovewords.
I think words are very powerfuland the way we choose to
describe things, the tone we use, the definition of definition
(08:02):
of certain situations, can trulycreate an image.
And so one thing, and I'll giveyou a personal example I can
remember when people would saywhat you have eight kids.
They want to know immediatelyhow many did you give birth to?
(08:22):
Right, you give birth to andthey say when I say, well, four
are my precious stepdaughtersthat came with my late husband
when we married in 1976.
And they are so important to me.
Then we had five children.
(08:43):
We lost one, had four more byour eighth wedding anniversary.
We had eight kids in our family.
Now, that's not to theexclusion of their biological
mother.
But I would get this look likeoh, oh, okay, oh okay.
And it's almost like,immediately a judgment is placed
(09:06):
on the acquisition, if you will, of children in a marriage.
But, oh my gosh, there has tobe a birth in the heart for that
.
Speaker 1 (09:22):
That's a really good way to say that.
Thank you, Because it truly is.
It's a space of integrating andbringing forth something so
beautiful.
I mean it's bringing forthfamily.
Speaker 2 (09:40):
Right, Right and Lee, if you stop and think about it,
I mean those kids didn't ask tobe here Exactly and they didn't
ask to be in this situation.
Right, Right and Lee, if youstop and think about it, I mean
those kids didn't ask to be hereExactly and they didn't ask to
be in this situation.
Speaker 1 (09:49):
Right.
Speaker 2 (09:50):
And so to treat them as though they're tainted.
Speaker 1 (09:55):
Or burdensome.
Speaker 2 (09:57):
Or burdensome Boy.
That's a great point Is socruel.
Speaker 1 (10:02):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (10:02):
To the children, and I may sound a little bit harsh
here and that's not my point,but I don't want to soft-pedal
this, because people who areblending families are adults.
Speaker 1 (10:19):
That's right.
Speaker 2 (10:21):
And so I'm speaking to the adults today.
That's right.
And so I'm speaking to theadults today.
Yeah, and hopefully kids willget the benefit of adults,
learning a new or a different,more effective way of blending
so that they may blend, becauseI guarantee you, the children
today will be confronted withblending a family.
Speaker 1 (10:46):
I think without question, because it's one in
three families are blending nowand it makes me wonder what were
the statistics in 1976?
I would say that they werelower, because I think blending
families is like you said.
It's something that a lot ofpeople are having to deal with.
Speaker 2 (11:00):
Exactly.
I remember one specific time Ihad accompanied the oldest of my
stepdaughters and I'm going touse that term, even though in
our family we use that foroutsiders, but inside we don't
consider anybody a step anything, but we do define it outside
(11:23):
because to be respectful.
but we do define it outsidebecause to be respectful,
because I will say, and I'mgoing to make a statement and I
hope that nobody rolls theireyes, so please control your eye
rolls.
But I would not have the joy ofthe uniqueness of the four
older stepdaughters withouttheir mother.
Speaker 1 (11:46):
Right.
Speaker 2 (11:47):
And now my late husband passed away.
I remarried and my precioushusband today has two grown
adult children.
So I've done this with youngchildren and with adult children
.
I wouldn't have those twowonderful adult children in my
(12:08):
life without their mother.
So both of those mothers I'm sograteful for them.
I want the kids to have astrong, healthy relationship
with their mothers, otherwisethey can't have a healthy
relationship with me, and so Ihope that challenges people to
(12:28):
change their perspective.
There is no enemy in a blendedfamily unless we create one, and
I know that's a biggeneralization.
So everybody, stay in your seat, sure.
Speaker 1 (12:41):
Well, it is a generalization.
However, I do think that thethings that I've seen in my
office are when families areangry with, or when when ex
partners are angry with, is notgoing to have broken up.
It would not have ended indivorce if everything was hunky
(13:08):
dory Although I will say that agood friend of mine, she said
that she was with her ex-husbandon the sofa in the therapist's
office and she looked at thetherapist and said I think you
want this marriage more than wedo, and she said.
She looked at her ex-husbandand said I think we need to call
(13:32):
this a day before you and Ihate each other so much that we
rip apart what little we haveleft between us to raise our
kids in a really productivemanner.
I thought, wow, that was reallymature when there was an
understanding that this wasnever going to be resolvable,
(13:55):
and I think that the thing thatI see, though, there's that
animosity, that animosity, andit's how can we rise above the
animosity that that the exspouses or ex partners don't
have to have a relationship withone another.
They can simply and I've seenthis done really well when
(14:18):
there's been hurt and betrayaland pain, they simply focus on
the kids and the kid like theonly discussions they have are
the discussions about their kids, the only way that they were.
They discuss the kids and I'veseen that work really well, in
that focusing on them helpseverybody kind of reset their
(14:41):
mind to this is what this?
is about Exactly Is making surethat our kids do well in spite
of the fact that we divorced.
Speaker 2 (14:52):
Right and and I think that is so majorly important
and, trust me, I didn't get itall right and the only way that
I am an expert is I'm an experton me, the things I've done well
and the things I've done poorly, and the things that I did
(15:13):
right and the things I did wrong.
Whatever, however you want tocoin it, I own it and it's.
If I do anything by lookingbackwards, it's let me take the
things I didn't do well andlearn from them and do things as
I move forward more effectively.
(15:34):
But I think the key here islove.
Speaker 1 (15:37):
I agree.
Speaker 2 (15:38):
And it doesn't mean that we have to love, doesn't
mean we excuse behaviors.
Right, that we have to lovedoesn't mean we excuse behaviors
.
Speaker 1 (15:44):
Right.
Speaker 2 (15:45):
But love says I'm not going to pour up a cup of
poison and have my kids drink itso that it hurts and kills you.
Do you see what I'm saying?
Speaker 1 (15:56):
Right.
Speaker 2 (15:59):
And the kids are the ones who absorb all of that
poison, that toxicity.
Yeah, and toxicity, that's agood word, because we see that
when children are in an intact,traditional family and there's
an alcoholic, one of the parentsis an alcoholic, the kids think
they did it, are there.
If I was a better kid, daddywouldn't drink.
Or if I was better, mommywouldn't leave all the time.
Speaker 1 (16:21):
Or if I was better fill in the blank, and that is
their way of looking for control.
Speaker 2 (16:27):
If we were building a skyscraper, we would need under
reams and a lot of support deepinto the earth.
And these are three deep,foundational points that over
time, I have found extremelyimportant, but also,
professionally, I have found areextremely important, whether
it's in my own family or helpingother families, and those are
(16:51):
love, choice and maturity.
Love let's start with love.
It's not the airy fairy, oh,just love them.
It's not a feeling.
I'm not talking about love as afeeling.
I'm talking about that grittydecision to commit, to love and
(17:15):
embrace and do the work, takeaction.
It's an action word.
All three of these words areaction words.
They are action words.
Speaker 1 (17:22):
When you think about love.
It is patient, it's kind andit's long-suffering.
Speaker 2 (17:26):
Exactly.
Speaker 1 (17:26):
And it doesn't hold the negatives.
It doesn't keep things againstpeople.
Exactly so you're right, it isan action word.
Speaker 2 (17:37):
And two, it involves grace, it involves forgiveness,
and forgiveness does not mean,oh, it's okay what you did to me
.
Speaker 1 (17:48):
That's right.
Speaker 2 (17:48):
Forgiveness means that I'm forgiving for me.
Speaker 1 (17:53):
That's right.
Speaker 2 (17:54):
Not for the one who's offended, and I hope others
will forgive for themselves andnot for what I've done.
I need to seek amends and makeamends for what I've done.
That's right, and the otherperson I hope will forgive.
In other words, release me orrelease whomever from wanting
(18:20):
justice and wanting some type ofI don't know debt payment.
Speaker 1 (18:22):
It's not a legal system.
Well, the way that I've alwaysheard it said is wanting a pound
of flesh.
It's wanting that payback.
Speaker 2 (18:31):
Right and you're releasing that desire.
And in that what happens istying it then to choice.
I am choosing to love in thatway and understand that in a
family that we're blending,there has to be a margin and a
(18:55):
space for our human behaviors attimes, Doesn't mean that that,
um, it's okay to just makemistakes, and Right to be
whimsical and willy-nilly andnot care or be concerned about
Right.
Exactly, it means that we'rechoosing to discuss and to take
(19:19):
the high road.
Speaker 1 (19:21):
Yeah, and what's interesting is when you think
about the terms, which I lovethese, when you think about the
term love in this case that Iwas telling you about earlier,
is this dad had to make adecision to love his daughter
that he co-created with a womanthat hurt him deeply.
(19:44):
I mean, she hurt him to hiscore and almost, almost cracked
his frame.
Speaker 2 (19:52):
So to speak.
Speaker 1 (19:54):
And he had to learn to forgive so that he could be
open Once he saw that hecouldn't love his daughter well
because he still had so muchanimosity towards his ex-wife.
He had to learn to forgive andhe had to learn to love to your
point love himself enough to seethat he could let go of her
(20:20):
offense.
Speaker 2 (20:21):
Right, and that was one of my main points under the
activity.
If you will, or the tool ofloving is that it is about,
you've got to love yourself, andthat is not arrogance.
It is a humble gratitude thatyou are you.
Speaker 1 (20:40):
Right.
Speaker 2 (20:41):
And you are in this, now, in this family.
Speaker 1 (20:44):
And, as you see, it is not selfish either, the
unforgiveness that this fatherwas living with you want to talk
about selfish.
He was projecting his hurt ontohis daughter and it was
crushing her.
Speaker 2 (21:02):
Well, and Lee, I mean , stop and think about it.
If I want you to love me as theparent more than you love the
ex-parent, that is selfish Right.
But if I love myself enough andam secure secure in attachment
to myself and that I bring meand the value of who I am to the
(21:27):
table, and the other people inthe family love and are securely
attached to themselves, bringthemselves to the table.
I know that's very ideal, butthat's the goal that would be
the goal.
Then I don't have to.
I'm not concerned about whoelse you love because there's
room.
And I've said this and let metell you I got to get a plug in
(21:48):
here for my sweet.
I was calling my new husband.
He is so precious.
He leaves so much space for thelove that I have had and still
have for my late husband and heaccepts that I have huge love
(22:10):
incomparable it's not comparablefor him as well and he balances
that so beautifully and heencourages that and he
encourages my adult children.
The youngest was 27 when theirdaddy died and then 29 was 38
(22:32):
ish when I remarried.
Speaker 1 (22:34):
Okay, let's don't throw out too many numbers,
because then y'all know how oldI am.
Speaker 2 (22:39):
But anyway he encourages them, speaking of
their dad.
He encourages and embracesbecause he says, well, he built
this family too.
He created a loving atmospherethat welcomes me.
That's right.
And again, we don't doeverything right, but by golly
(23:02):
that gets done right and well,and I adore that.
Speaker 1 (23:08):
Absolutely, because it gives everybody room to be
Right.
I mean, you think about these,you know where you're not
allowed to even speak the otherperson's name.
They say the person who shallnot be named and I just think,
okay, I understand that there'sa presence and all of that.
There's a lot of pain, but it'slike when you're blending a
(23:33):
family, you have to blend withlove, like that has to be the
primary ingredient.
And I look, I know to yourpoint that that there are going
to be people who do boneheadedthings and they continue to do
boneheaded things because theymay refuse to be healthy.
And in those experiences, Ithink that what, what, what
(23:54):
needs to be considered is I canonly control what I can control,
which is me, and I haveinfluence over the environment,
but the environment may not beopen to my suggestions or to the
things that I hope, I hope toinfluence.
(24:14):
It may not be influenceable.
Meaning there are families thatI've worked with and I'm sure
you as well, where there is anex-partner, an ex-spouse that is
not willing to work with themin any way, shape or form, and
that brings me to so love.
Speaker 2 (24:36):
And then you wrap that around choice, and then you
take that and you I mean I'mputting out a plaintive plea
Adults, be mature, be in youradult ego state because you are
an adult.
Kids can only be in their childbrain.
Adults, we have an adult brainand we have an adult ego state.
(24:59):
We can regress to our childbrain.
Adults, we have an adult brainand we have an adult ego state.
We can regress to our childbrain.
Children cannot.
What would be the opposite ofregress, progress, progress to
their adult brain, becausethey're not there.
That's not possible.
Speaker 1 (25:14):
It's not formed yet, right.
Speaker 2 (25:16):
Yeah, that's like when I was young and I was four
foot 10, I couldn't just grow tofive foot nine and then grow
back down when I am in thatstate, right, maybe that's not a
very good example, but you getmy drift.
Speaker 1 (25:30):
I think it's a great example.
Speaker 2 (25:31):
Well, and here we are .
Children only have their childbrain.
We have our adult brain and wehave the ability to use that
maturity and not go to thejealous place of oh every time
she says his name.
Oh my gosh, my sweet husbandsays, why would I be jealous and
(25:55):
same with me, that was beforeme and that was a painful time
in y'all's lives.
That should hopefully I'm usingthe S word should, sorry, but
that would hopefully bring upsome compassion for everyone.
Speaker 1 (26:14):
Yes, and I think that the key to that is you have to
work through your own hurt.
Speaker 2 (26:19):
Exactly.
Speaker 1 (26:20):
Because if we walk around wounded, then we create,
we create so much more pain.
You know, because the old adagehurt people, hurt people.
Speaker 2 (26:29):
Right right.
Speaker 1 (26:30):
And so it's worth it to put that well, to walk
through that hurt.
I was going to say put thathurt to bed, but that hurt, like
you said, is like grief.
Speaker 2 (26:41):
It is there yeah, you know what a really great tool
for that is.
And and I learned this goingthrough pia melodies uh,
training for post inductiontherapy, where it's um
developmentally immaturereactions to life, is to say ooh
(27:03):
, how old do I feel, right?
Speaker 1 (27:05):
now.
Speaker 2 (27:06):
I'm the adult, how old do I feel right now?
Am I matching the 12-year-oldbecause it's hitting a wound in
me or whatever is going on?
And that is so helpful as the,the blending process, the
step-parent, or just even ifyou're a daughter-in-law or a
(27:28):
father-in-law or a mother-in-law, please, if we're reacting, we
need to say how old do I feelright now and why am I being so
protective or why am I hittingan intense reaction?
And usually it's because we'rehitting a wound that maybe we
haven't healed yet.
Speaker 1 (27:44):
Right, it's activating that network Exactly.
Speaker 2 (27:47):
You know I like to tell clients often that triggers
are external.
We cannot control triggers.
They're going to happen andthey're outside of us.
It's what it activates insideof me that I need to be aware of
.
It's knowing.
What is this saying to me aboutme?
(28:09):
That's a Lee Long saying and Ilove that and that's very
helpful.
Why am I getting so ramped upabout this?
Well, because he nope.
What is it in me?
And I think that is thematurity factor and that's that
part of loving, choosing andbeing mature in that whole
(28:32):
trifecta.
Speaker 1 (28:33):
I think that's right and I think about all the
families that I've worked withand all the families I'm sure
you've worked with that wechoose love.
Speaker 2 (28:43):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (28:44):
And sometimes it is just the choice of love for the
child sitting in front of you.
Cause, like you said theydidn't choose this Right and you
think about choosing, choosingthe child, choosing love for
them, choosing love for yourpartner, your, your current
partner, because that's theirchild.
Speaker 2 (29:06):
That's 50% them.
Speaker 1 (29:08):
Right, and so it is a .
It is a sometimes it's asacrificial love, because some
of these kids are want to, orsome.
There are some kids who do wantthat your relationship not to
work out, and so they at timeswill as I call metal.
Speaker 2 (29:27):
So that was.
I'm glad you brought that upbecause I really want to talk
about the challenges to thechildren and I'm just going to
kind of read this little excerptthat I wrote, so that I don't
miss anything, because we are onvacation a little bit Vacation
brain, right.
So divorce and blending aredifficult for children of any
age.
Their greatest struggle isgrieving the loss of their
(29:52):
original family structure whilethey're trying to remain loyal
to both their original familyand embrace their new one.
Think about that, right, andand in that children often love
both parents, but they'll feeluncomfortable expressing this to
either parent, and especiallywhen the parents don't get along
(30:14):
, and we've kind of covered thata little bit.
But I want to highlight that asone of the biggest challenges
in blending.
And so the situation worsenswhen parents openly express
disdain for each other or usechildren as messengers back and
forth.
I can't even talk to your father, so just tell him to pick you
all up at four, dad.
(30:35):
Mom said to pick us up at four.
No, I can't pick you up at four.
Tell her I have a meeting, mom.
Dad has a meeting at work.
Can you imagine the heavinessthat is on a child?
and how that is.
It is like a sort of in ourbodies If we have an infection,
the body starts producing whiteblood cells to fight that
(30:58):
infection and then it goes crazyand we're really, really sick.
We're doing that to our kidsright If we use them to be the
go-between.
So that's a challenge forchildren.
They don't understandboundaries and they certainly
don't want to stand up to one oftheir parents and be dis.
Well, maybe they do want to bedisrespectful at times.
Speaker 1 (31:20):
Well, they may respond in a disrespectful way,
exactly Because they just don'tknow how to set that limit.
Speaker 2 (31:25):
Exactly, and nor should we expect them to.
They're learning boundaries.
Speaker 1 (31:30):
They should know better, except we've never
taught them Exactly.
Speaker 2 (31:33):
And they're children, right.
They're not adults, that'sright.
So to have an expectation of achild that I can't believe.
You spilled your milk at thetable.
I'll never forget one time ourdad he was, I mean having a
wall-eyed fit about spilling atthe table.
Every time we sit down,somebody spills something and
(31:55):
that's got to stop and his handhit his glass and he spilled
something.
We're all like, yes, jesusloves me, moment, but it was
(32:15):
just really a picture of how wecannot expect kids to be adults.
So please don't treat them thatway, or treat them as a
messenger, and allow them toexpress, not repress, the love
they have, or even if they misstheir family, their other parent
or the family the way it was.
I don't like that.
We have to do Christmas at twoplaces.
You know what, sweetie I'msorry that I hear you and I know
(32:39):
that's hard and let themexpress it, right.
The problem is we take itpersonally, right?
Speaker 1 (32:48):
it.
The problem is we take itpersonally.
Yeah, we have to work throughour pain to be able to see that
it's okay that they express that.
Speaker 2 (32:53):
Well, and I don't think that they're saying I
don't love what we have here, Ijust miss and grieve that.
So that's one of the challengesfor the children is the ability
to express and it not bequelled or see the look on the
other parent's face, or even thestep siblings, or maybe they're
(33:17):
half siblings, et cetera.
Look, there's enough love in afamily for all everyone.
Speaker 1 (33:24):
I think, at the end of the day, the thing that I
would encourage the things thatI'm hearing you say, the things
that I've seen I think that, atthe end of the day, what I would
encourage is, if you areblending a family, do your own
personal work.
Speaker 2 (33:44):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (33:45):
Because you have to show up a whole person to walk
into or to lead a family intoblending Right and you have to
be able to see things well.
You know and I think about youknow your amazing husband, who
is, who has done his work, andso there isn't the jealousy,
(34:06):
there is that willingness to say, look, I'm being welcomed into
this family that your latehusband, that he helped create,
and acknowledging that, and evenin that acknowledgement it
knits him further or closer intoour family, and the beauty of
(34:28):
that.
Speaker 2 (34:29):
Right, right, that is so, truly.
And look, that's not easy foreveryone, and I know these are
guidelines, sure, but it ispossible.
Sure, but it is possible.
(34:51):
And if something is possiblethat makes our society better,
then why not take the?
Speaker 1 (34:54):
high road, yeah, and this doesn't.
I love what.
I love what you're saying andit does not.
There's no such thing asperfection oh no let's just do
this with our whole heart.
Speaker 2 (35:05):
Right.
Well, I tell you what it suremakes life more peaceful
internally, even when there's astorm.
Speaker 1 (35:12):
Yeah, totally.
Speaker 2 (35:14):
Even when there's a storm.
I think the next area is forparents.
What are the challenges forparents?
Parenting in any family isdifficult, and the more parents
that are involved, the morecomplicated it becomes, and so
it requires a consistent postureof compromise and communication
(35:37):
, and communication from anadult ego state To another adult
yes to another adult.
I know that's not alwayspossible and you can't control
the other, but you can controlyourself and you can control how
you communicate and also, um,in parenting.
You may not agree, but thereare some great resources on
(35:59):
parallel parenting.
Where you allow you, you agreethat that family has parenting
this way and we do parentingthis way.
But let's let the kids knowneither way is the better way or
the right or wrong way, butwhen you're there, you need to
follow their guidelines.
When you're here, you followour rules or guidelines or
(36:22):
whatever.
Speaker 1 (36:22):
Be gentle with the kids, because following two
separate rule sets is tough.
Speaker 2 (36:27):
It's very tough, right, and so I totally I think
it's better if we can parenttogether.
Speaker 1 (36:35):
Sure, it's much more cohesive.
However, that may not bepossible To your point.
Speaker 2 (36:40):
Yeah, and can I just say too here a little bit on a
soapbox here as a grandparentstay out of it unless you're
invited, Please, Amen, Becausethat is another form of
intrusion on a blended family.
(37:01):
And be careful the words thatyou use like well, those
children or these kids.
Well, now, these kids can come,but those children.
Don't do that as a grandparent,because then it's like throwing
a rock into a blender whenyou're trying to make your
smoothie in the morning.
It's going to tear that thingup.
Speaker 1 (37:22):
Don't be the rock.
Don't be the rock in theblender.
Speaker 2 (37:25):
And whether it's grandparents or extended family,
whatever yes.
Right.
My late husband had the used tosay to me it's about concentric
circles.
In the center is the couple,the two of us that are in this
family, next circle out thechildren, next circle out our
(37:49):
parents and our siblings, nextcircle out the bigger part of
the family, next circle outfriends, acquaintances, the
world.
Those concentric circles do nottell the center how to manage
the next tight circle of thechildren.
Right, right, unless asked,right you know, and so
(38:11):
unsolicited advice is usuallyunwelcomed.
It's just like we put signs onour doors no solicitating or
whatever Right so anyway.
So for blended couples, one ofthe, so that's for parents, the
children.
It's been created thatdiscomfort and being made a
messenger or a go-between.
(38:32):
Don't do it, because that'shard on the kids.
Speaker 1 (38:35):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (38:35):
For the parents please come to an adult
agreement about parenting andabout acceptance and respect.
And then for couples blendedfamilies are often older and so
they're more set in their waysas people.
They have more traditions andexpectations, and so the gap
(38:57):
between hopes and reality can bejarring.
Yeah, right.
So for couples, add the naturalloyalty to existing
relationships with your childrenthat you bring with you, and
the couple's relationship faceunique pressures, right, the
couple?
Speaker 1 (39:14):
relationship.
Speaker 2 (39:15):
And so, remember, there are many types of blended
families those that are formedfrom divorce, those that are
formed from death, those thatare formed from maybe first
marriage had children and firstmarriage didn't have children.
I mean, there are all kinds ofinteresting ways that we blend
(39:36):
and so each situation is unique.
So don't read or talk to orexpect that somebody else is
going to give you a formula or away to do it, because you're
unique.
Speaker 1 (39:52):
And it keeps coming back to folks.
There's no getting around it.
We have to be whole, we have todo our work.
Speaker 2 (40:01):
Right.
So I think the three strategies.
I'd love to leave people with.
I'm not sure what our timeframeis, but for adults, be adults,
please.
You know you may get wet matterthan a wet hand, but please,
please, please, handle it like ahuman being and not a wet hand.
(40:24):
Please it like a human beingand not a wet hand, please.
And I love the book by John Leecalled Growing Yourself Back Up
.
It lists the red flags ofregressions.
That'll help you understandwhen you're going into a
regression to a younger egostate Ask yourself, how old do I
feel right now?
And it helps you stay with youradult self.
In parenting keyword cooperatePlease, for the sake of the kids
(40:51):
, align your parentingapproaches within the new
coupleship that's got to comefirst.
You agree, under this roof,we're going to do this this way
and then work toward negotiatinghow to do that with the other
household.
And then for couples, oh please, just resolve.
(41:12):
Don't win when we have anargument, because arguments are
going to come up in this newblended family, oh gosh.
Speaker 1 (41:19):
And arguments are not meant to be won.
Speaker 2 (41:21):
They're meant to be resolved Right, and so that's
where the rupture is repaired.
We resolve it, and that doesn'tmean that it all goes my way.
Speaker 1 (41:35):
Yeah, it can't.
Speaker 2 (41:37):
Right Because the world doesn't.
Speaker 1 (41:40):
As one of our siblings says, often the axis of
the world cannot be firmlyfixed to your backside so that
the world revolves around you.
Speaker 2 (41:50):
Right, exactly, and conflict is meant to be resolved
.
And hey, let's face it, there'sconflict in every day, in small
ways and large ways.
Conflict does not have to befeared, and it doesn't have to
be nasty and it doesn't have tobe something that's explosive.
Conflict is actually anopportunity to know and
(42:14):
understand the other person.
Speaker 1 (42:16):
Yeah, it's a doorway to intimacy.
Speaker 2 (42:18):
There you go.
Speaker 1 (42:19):
And it's also, I'm sorry, we just have to what, we
just have to figure that outtogether.
Speaker 2 (42:24):
Right.
I remember as a little girlwalking with our grandfather on
the long side.
He had a farm and he had fencesaround like I don't know 300
acres and he'd say, okay, it'stime to walk the fences and see
where the gaps are, and so I'vealways liked that example that
(42:48):
it's good to go back and reflecton weight.
I think I have a gap in myboundary system here and
boundaries are.
There are only two kinds ofboundaries in life protection
boundary, containment boundary.
I'm responsible for containingmyself and not barreling out
there and jumping into somebodyelse's issue, and I'm also
(43:08):
responsible for not allowingsomeone's issue to be poured out
on me.
I mean I just move over and letit go by.
It doesn't mean, things don'tsting or hurt, but we have
protection boundaries and wehave so many areas that we can
talk about this, these thingsfurther in other podcasts.
But you know, blending isn'teasy, but with love and choice,
(43:32):
maturity, and if we can also beadults, if we can also seek to
be cooperative yeah, and thenalso just truly look at being
loving and mature.
And what was that last thing Isaid?
Oh yes, resolve, don't win,it's about resolving and not
(43:53):
winning.
Then I think it's possible tocreate something new and
beautiful, and it doesn't haveto be threatening to anyone else
.
It's important to remember thatyou're not trying to replace the
past or what was.
You're working toward buildingsomething new that honors the
(44:17):
past while embracing the presentand the future, and that goes
in line with what you werementioning about this tradition.
In Japan, they even offer ittoday in stores where you
purchase a bowl, it's broken,they take it and they fuse this
(44:41):
like epoxy or lacquer and putthe pieces back together and
then cover it with gold.
Is that what you were talkingabout?
And then the bowl is somethingmore beautiful and stronger and
valuable.
And it's not that it's morebeautiful, it's without the old
pieces, it is beautiful becauseof the old pieces, and I do
(45:05):
remember telling my husband'sdaughter and son that, you know,
both of us found ourselves in aplace.
Their dad and myself foundourselves in a place that we
didn't want to be in.
I never wanted to be a widowand he never wanted to be
divorced, and yet we are.
And here we are and here we are.
(45:27):
And so now, how can we takewhat was and make it into
something that is and will be,that will be loving and
welcoming to all?
10 of the beautiful products ofthe past and the now Right?
So if you are struggling withblending, please seek
(45:54):
professional help or friendsthat you know are reliable
resources.
Maybe not call it friendscommunity that is reliable, not
just opinionated.
Speaker 1 (46:04):
Right?
Who will call you out on yourstuff?
Speaker 2 (46:07):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (46:07):
Who will be a positive but honest reflection
and who can help you sortthrough stuff, to you becoming
more authentically you.
Speaker 2 (46:19):
Right, yeah, and you know, Lee, sometimes people ask
do you love me more than yourdeceased spouse or do you love
me more than your ex-spouse?
Okay, that is such a childishanswer.
That's like a firstborn sayingdo you love me more than this
new baby?
I'll never forget one of mygrandsons, when another grandson
(46:43):
was not, it wasn't his brother,but it was his cousin was born
and we're all gathered and I'mholding that baby and he looks
at me and he goes Gigi, are yougoing to love him more than you
love me?
And I was like, oh, my goodness, what an interesting question.
Thanks for asking me that.
However, I have enough love forall of you.
(47:06):
That's unique to you.
And I said well, let me ask youa question Are you going to
love me, Are you going to loveyour friends one day more than
you love me?
Because I was just kind ofcurious to see what he would say
.
And he goes, probably.
Speaker 1 (47:26):
So there's got to be room in there for honesty and
for growth.
Speaker 2 (47:32):
So do you see the difference between the adult
response and the child response?
Yeah, right, that's right hedidn't have room to grow yet to
understand the difference.
Speaker 1 (47:40):
So anyway, that's right, this has been such a
privilege to talk about thissubject.
Yeah, thank you for sharing allyour wisdom and experience.
Thank you, thank you.
Speaker 2 (47:54):
Because you know, when you make enough mistakes,
you learn things.
Thank you All right, thank you.
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