July 1, 2024 • 34 mins
What if striving for perfection is actually holding you back from deeper connections and authentic happiness? Join us as we unpack the powerful theme of perfectionism, sharing personal stories of overcoming the pressure to maintain a flawless image. Imagine the candid reality of going live in a robe and headscarf and how embracing our imperfections can pave the way for true self-acceptance. We’ll also respond to community questions on dating after 50, shedding light on how to navigate relationships with grace and vulnerability.
Reflect on the ways imposter syndrome and perfectionism impact our relationships from a spiritual perspective, emphasizing the importance of embracing our inherent human flaws. Drawing wisdom from scriptures and personal anecdotes, we reveal how opening up about our imperfections can actually strengthen our bonds. Through real-life examples, we delve into the significance of transparency and the emotional freedom that comes with letting go of unrealistic expectations.
In this episode, we also explore the nuances of dating in midlife, guided by the teachings of an elder who reminds us that perfection is about the journey, not the destination. We discuss the importance of self-love and maintaining a relationship with God while constantly nurturing our relationships. Additionally, we highlight how our app and book aim to bridge the gap between dating and marriage by assessing readiness and addressing potential relationship pitfalls. Tune in to learn how character, faith, and values can help build stronger, more genuine connections.
RICH RELATIONSHIPS REFUGE
Meet: Gil & Renée
Rich Relationships Refuge podcast with Gilbert J and Renée M. Beavers is fantastic because it's the best place to explore the reality of relationships — the good, the bad, and the painful and confusing. This podcast helps to illuminate what it means to be intimate with others and what it teaches people about them. It will make you want to strive for a kinder, more fun relationship with others., This a place where love flourishes, bonds deepen, and relationships thrive. We're Gil and Renee, authors, and marriage coaches, and we're honored to walk alongside you on your journey towards a rich and fulfilling partnership.
In a world where relationships can feel like a maze, we believe in providing you with the compass and map to navigate the path of love with confidence and grace. Whether you're single and seeking, newly dating, or preparing for marriage, our app is your sanctuary—a refuge where you can find guidance, support, and inspiration every step of the way.
https://www.richrrmarriagementors.com/book-online
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 2 (00:00):
And I'm Gil from the Rich Relationship Refuge and we
are excited to be with you guystonight.
We haven't been with you guys,live in a minute Been a little
busy.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
Been a little busy with some stuff going on.
But that's what you're supposedto do during the summertime Is
get out and do some activities,be hanging out with the person
that you're in love with andhanging out with your family and
doing things that are just fun.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
And writing books and publishing apps.
Speaker 1 (00:26):
That's what everybody does in the summer, and some
people's idea of fun is work,but everybody's different.
Speaker 2 (00:32):
No, no, no.
No.
That's not my idea of fun, buttoday I went live on YouTube and
on TikTok and I shared myselfgiving myself a mask.
My husband has still not seenthat yet, so he may have a
conniption fit, because hedoesn't believe that you should
(00:55):
be out in house shoes or inheadscarves.
So I guess I was out in my robeand a scarf.
Speaker 1 (01:01):
Nothing surprises me anymore and a scarf Nothing
surprises me anymore when youreally think about it.
We take outside, we takestrangers into our house, so
hopefully you want to keep itsomewhat good.
Speaker 2 (01:17):
But if you don't, hey ?
So what he means when he sayswe bring strangers into our
house is that we allow ourselvesto be open all of us to you,
all Right, and we love you andwe're so glad to serve you.
Speaker 1 (01:29):
But we do that Strangers in the House on a
regular basis, yeah, yeah, butit's always good because we're a
community and that's what we'retrying to do, so we appreciate
you guys hanging out with us.
I know it's been a little while.
We said we were coming on at 7,but we're a little delayed.
But we said we were coming onat 7, but we're a little delayed
.
But we are here now to talkabout a subject and answer a
couple of questions that came inthroughout the past week.
(01:49):
No, they came out today.
Speaker 2 (01:57):
Ok well came out today that we decided to just
freestyle and talk a little bitabout what they came up with.
Yeah, so if you are watchingnow or watching later, let us
know where you're watching from.
We, this was a real.
The questions were they camefrom two different platforms,
from two different people, and Iwill share that in the link.
I was trying to find it.
Um, sometimes it's kind of hardto go back and find.
I do remember that the personthat asked the question about
(02:19):
the dating was from tiktok andthe person that asked the
question about the topic becauseour topic is is perfectionism a
trap?
Speaker 1 (02:29):
How to navigate perfection.
Speaker 2 (02:31):
Yeah, but the question is the title is is
perfectionism a trap?
How to navigate dating after 50?
So we combined the two and madeit into one episode and so if
you have a question aboutrelationships or dating or just
something you want to know, wewant to be a safe place for you
to have those questions answered.
Speaker 1 (02:51):
So bring it up in the chat yes, we'll try to catch it
if we see it here.
Speaker 2 (02:55):
I'm trying to look you have on his glasses yep, so
we can see it.
Speaker 1 (02:59):
So come on and join us, please share please share
the link, please share the video.
Speaker 2 (03:04):
Please continue to watch our own content.
If you haven't subscribed yet,please subscribe.
Turn on your notification bellso that when we come on, you'll
know we're on and so you cancontinue to be a part the most
important part of our communityand also renee has worked really
hard.
Speaker 1 (03:17):
she mentioned it already at the very beginning of
the new book, so make sure youcheck out the new book, the
Singles Blueprint for Dating andMarriage.
Get it.
Get it.
It's available now.
Speaker 2 (03:29):
At Barnes Noble in person as well as online, so
we'll have to share more aboutthat, so check it out.
Speaker 1 (03:35):
We have started doing some stuff out of the book,
maybe for some of the teachingsand some of the conversations
for the lives that we're doinghere right now.
So you want to dive in and talka little bit about this.
The first topic is about theperfectionism.
Speaker 2 (03:50):
And I'm going to start with a story.
Okay, because I think that whenthe person asked the question,
I was like whew, that's aquestion that I can definitely
answer, and I think about evenjust what I did today, going
live in my robe while I'mputting on a mask.
That, for me, is something fiveyears ago I would have never
(04:13):
done.
Speaker 1 (04:14):
Why is that?
Speaker 2 (04:15):
Because I was so concerned about well, you know,
you got to do things the rightway, and is that proper?
And is that appropriate?
Is it inappropriate?
The right way, and is thatproper?
And is that?
Is that appropriate, is itinappropriate?
And it's because for so manyyears I struggled with
perfectionism, trying to doeverything right, trying to get
it right, trying to.
And my thing wasn't ever somuch about the image, it was
(04:38):
about the overwhelming desire todo things without flaw okay and
so one of the things that I did, I know, if you guys remember,
I had a t-shirt, it was called.
It said Renee M Beavers.
It said flawed, because we areflawed, everyone wants to be
flawless, but it's moreimportant that we understand
that we are all flawed, and so Ireally, when the person asked
(05:01):
the question, I was like, wow,yes, I can definitely address
that and really share from myown life, because I had to
realize that we're going to makemistakes, we're going to fail,
we're going to do things wrong,we're going to maybe do
something that may make someonesee you in a bad light.
That's just all a part of thehuman experience.
Speaker 1 (05:22):
You know that was challenging, I think, even for
me.
Pastor was talking about theimposter syndrome.
When you have a idea of how youshould be doing things the
right way, like you were kind oftalking about the perfect way,
so to speak.
When you start, when you lookat your life in light of
scripture, or it gives you adifferent perspective about
(05:44):
knowing who you really reallyare, when you know that you came
into this world, like Romans 3talks about, as a human.
We are all failures in thatsense in that context.
So you can't achieve perfection.
No matter what you do, you canbe good at a lot of things.
There is no perfection, butthat doesn't stop you from
trying to do things as best asyou possibly can.
(06:04):
And I think a part of it for mewas you mentioned it already
was the fear of failure.
Nobody likes to fail atanything that they do,
especially in theirrelationships.
When you fail in a relationshipand we've all had them where
you've dated someone and itdidn't work out and so you move
on to the next one, that is afailure in a sense of maybe you
didn't fail as a whole entiretyof something, but you failed at
(06:29):
the relationship and there was areason why.
There was a reason why whetherthe person wasn't the person for
you or something that you mayhave done, you have to own it
and think about it.
But you can't let that hold youbondage to pursuing something
that is far beyond our reach,when the Bible already tells you
that you're human and you'regoing to fail at things.
Don't even try it, don't eventhink about it.
Speaker 2 (06:50):
It's not that you don't try your best, it's that
you don't try to do everythingwithout making mistakes.
We're going to say the wrongthing, we're going to do the
wrong thing, we are going tohurt people's feelings, we're
going to do the wrong thing.
We are going to hurt people'sfeelings, we're going to do
things that are inappropriate.
And the reason why I thoughtthose even though the questions
(07:11):
came from two different peopleand it was two different topics,
but the solution is the samefor both of them and I thought
that that was really beautifulbecause as soon as I thought
about it, I was like wow, and solet's talk about what
perfectionism is.
What is it Like, wow, and solet's talk about what
perfectionism is.
What is it?
It's?
You know, let's kind ofdescribe it, and if I had to
describe it in my own words, itis an overwhelming sense of
(07:32):
doing things without any roomfor you to be human, without any
room for you to grow, with anunrealistic expectation of
performing at a level that isnot humanly possible.
And so if I had to describeperfectionism, that's what I
would say it is.
I think it's really.
(07:52):
Even though on the outward it'slike you're doing everything
really well inwardly, you'rereally setting yourself up for
emotional failure, because it'simpossible to do things with
perfection, because everythingthat comes from us, that's
impossible to do things withperfection, oh yeah, because we
have to.
Everything that comes from us,that's good, it comes from God,
and so it's not us, it's Christin us, not us doing everything.
Speaker 1 (08:14):
And I think it's a part of it is a mindset that you
actually have.
When you think about themindset that we all obtain and
we try to do things as best wepossibly can, especially in our
relationships, you want to putthe best face or the best
instance of who you are forwardall the time, every time.
And how long was what you thinkabout?
(08:35):
How long are you dating someonebefore you let them see you?
Let's just call it what it is.
How long were you datingsomeone before you farted?
Speaker 2 (08:43):
I think that's so funny I mean that's.
Speaker 1 (08:46):
I know that sounds crazy, it sounds but it is it is
your stomach is hurting.
Yeah, your stomach is pains andmaybe you had something that
you're trying to hold.
Speaker 2 (08:55):
your breath You're trying to do all this.
Now Gil has grown, because hewould have never said that
before.
Speaker 1 (09:00):
See, and you rub off.
See, I'm not perfect, I knowthat, but even just something
like that, in the sense ofSomething, as simple as that.
Even I mean, you've been aroundpeople who like that.
I mean, come on, it's like, doyou?
Speaker 2 (09:14):
pass gas, I mean.
So one of the things that Ialways say is that as long as
you do do MP, you're just likeme.
If you do that, that meansyou're human, and so we need to
understand that there arecertain things that level the
playing ground.
And it just makes you human.
Speaker 1 (09:34):
And to me, if the fact that I pass gas makes you
not like me then bye.
Speaker 2 (09:36):
I know that sounds crazy, but that sounds trivial,
but it really is, especially inthis dating terrain, as our girl
camille says it's.
What did she say?
It was uh diabolical.
Yeah, it was treacherous.
So I can see how you could beeliminated by just something as
simple as oh my gosh, he or shepassed gas.
I got to be perfect and youcan't be.
You can't be.
It's not possible.
(09:56):
You're going to see each other.
I really thought it was reallycute.
I showed you I was watchingsomeone's feed and they created
this video.
They show when you first startdating.
She was taking her husband sometissue in the bathroom and in
the first year Toilet paper,because they were having to sit
down.
Yeah, the first and in the firstyear because they were having
to sit down.
Yeah, the first time she hadher face all covered up and
everything.
That was the first year.
And in the second year she justyou know handed in third year
(10:17):
but by the last, by about 15years, she was sitting there
with him talking, having a snack.
Well, having a snack while theywere.
So it just shows you the wehave to be open to the
progression of our relationshipsevolving, with us being totally
vulnerable, totally transparent.
That's why I felt totallycomfortable with you guys
showing you guys, my mask.
(10:37):
I'm like these are my people,they love me and I love them.
So I don't have to show you theedited, perfect version of me,
because, guess what, there isn'tone.
Speaker 1 (10:45):
You said something earlier about the whole
perfectionism and pursuing ofthat and how the image is how
you try to portray and displayyourself in a certain light.
But talk a little bit about thehaving a low self-worth when it
comes to perfection.
Speaker 2 (10:59):
Yeah, and you know, you think that it would make.
It is coming from a place ofhigh value, but really
perfectionism is coming from aplace of you not valuing
yourself, because we always sayyou are more than enough.
So if I'm more than enough,what is it that I'm going to do
or give that's going to make memore valuable?
Because what makes you valuable?
We always say that you haveenough stuff.
(11:21):
You know who you are, you knowhow to say no.
That's where the enoughness ofGod comes from you.
Knowing that me, by myself, allalong in a room with nothing, I
am enough.
And so perfectionism to me,knowing who you are in Christ
and knowing that your value,your identity, is in something
(11:45):
or someone bigger than you, itkind of really smashes the whole
idea of perfectionism.
Speaker 1 (11:47):
Oh yeah, it puts it in perspective.
You also think about when youare trying to seek or you're
actually trying, to be perfectin your relationships.
You almost have like this fearthat you, if I make a mistake,
it's going to be over.
That's unrealistic.
It is.
Mistakes are a part of justlife.
They're just a part of being inrelationships.
It's a part of just being ahuman, a part of just being a
(12:15):
human.
But we put so much weight onourselves to maintain this
status or maintain this image,if I can put it that way, that
we don't make mistakes and ifyou're always trying to own up
to that or try to maintain thatmantle or live up to that.
Speaker 2 (12:26):
yeah, that's a good way of putting it, You're going
to be exhausted.
Speaker 1 (12:28):
Oh man, you're going to be so exhausted because
you're not going to be perfect.
Speaker 2 (12:32):
Yeah, because the part of it is understanding.
If you're going to be exhaustedoh man, you're going to be so
exhausted because you're notgoing to be perfect.
Yeah, because part of it isunderstanding.
If you're going to spend therest of your life with this
person, do you only want them toknow the smallest part of you?
I want you to know every partof me, the good, the bad, the
highs, the lows, my strengths orweaknesses.
And you know?
No, you don't do that on thefirst date.
That's something you have tobuild up to.
But I think it's important thatwe understand that the reason
why we have been able to betogether and to have a healthy
(12:55):
relationship for so long isbecause we have brought to each
other who we really are.
Speaker 1 (13:01):
You know, a part of that is really just accepting
who you're with for who they are.
Speaker 2 (13:06):
But you have to first accept yourself.
Yeah, go ahead, I think that'sone of the things that I think,
especially now in this climate,just watching the things that go
on.
And one of the things I saidtoday was something that someone
told me when I was a teen thathas stuck with me is that when
you love, you can't love someoneelse if you don't love yourself
.
So when you love you, the wayyou love you is going to be the
(13:29):
way you love other people, andso you have to make sure that
you really have accepted andthat you understand and you're
not going to know all of it.
It's a process, because what Iknow about myself at 20, what I
know about myself at 56 haschanged.
So I think one of the biggestthings that you have to be
extending to yourself, to kindof crush perfectionism, is grace
(13:49):
.
Speaker 1 (13:49):
Right, and that kind of blades over into the second
part of the conversation, whichis dating after 50.
And, brian, we thank you forjust chiming in and just putting
some emojis down there.
Thank you for hanging out withus for a little while.
Put something in there if youwant to contribute to the
conversation, because that'swhat this is really all about.
We are just going live andtalking about real topics that
people are really going throughin their relationships.
Speaker 2 (14:18):
Renee and I have been together 35 plus years and so
even over that time we have hadups and downs and made right
turns and left turns and all thethings in between, and made
good decisions and bad decisions, and we just want to prevent
you from share with you thethings we've done right and also
the things that we've donewrong, because no one has done
everything right and no one hasdone everything wrong, and so
it's just understanding that,bringing that both from a male
and a female and a biblicalperspective, I really believe
(14:40):
that what we're doing, it'sblessing us and so we pray that
it's a blessing you all.
Speaker 1 (14:46):
Because and I think I'll sum it up on the last thing
when we talk about only God isperfect and that's the last
thing we wanted to say about theperfection thing Only God is
perfect, and Matthew tells youthat in chapter four.
It talks about perfection ofGod.
Keep that in mind.
We can never measure up to that.
It doesn't mean that we can'taspire to be the best we can be
for the people that we love andcare about, whether it's your
(15:08):
significant other, your husband,wife, your relatives, your kids
, your employer, your employees,your colleagues, whomever.
Just know that it's a part ofjust being in life.
You know, if you have that fearof failure, just know it's
inevitable, it's nothing thatyou can do.
But you have to always beself-gauging and self-assessing
(15:28):
when am I at?
Am I trying to get better?
If you're not in that positionof trying to stay where you're
at, that's what you want to getaway from is to always get
better.
Speaker 2 (15:38):
I'm sorry.
I remember when we were atDunamis there was an elder.
He really loved Hebrew andGreek and one of the things that
he said.
We were in a class and he saidperfection is not hitting the
bullseye, perfection is alwaystrying to.
Yes, and so I love that.
So that helped me to kind ofrealize okay, I'm never going to
(16:00):
hit it, but I should never giveup trying.
Right, so I'm never going to beeverything that Gil has ever
dreamed of, but that doesn'tstop me from trying.
Speaker 1 (16:10):
And even on top of that, a part of that I think
goes along with is realisticexpectations.
Yes, having realisticexpectations for the people
you're in relationship with.
That's a part of not allowingthat person to be human and to
fail and to do all the thingsthat we've already talked about.
When you have that standardthat this person can't achieve
(16:32):
what you expected, then that'san unfair expectation to put on
anyone.
I think about in ourrelationship when we first got
married that there was someunrealistic expectations that
Renee put on me to maintain, aswe talked.
Well, it was.
I think it goes back to.
Well, it wasn't three, it wasgoes back to, I think, the the
(16:53):
low self-esteem or the esteemissues where Renee it wasn't
that she was thinking she wasn'tworth anything, it was, I think
she lacked the confidence inwho she was on that and she
expected me to make up for thegap.
Yes, and to re-encourage herand to be constantly affirming
and constantly doing the thingswhere only God can do that.
Speaker 2 (17:12):
I wanted you to make me feel good about me.
Speaker 1 (17:14):
Yeah, and that goes back to what you said already of
you have to love yourself firstand how God created you first
in order for that to happen.
Because if you try to put thatexpectation on another human
being, you're going to wear themout.
It's impossible.
We already just told youthey're going to fail because
they're human.
The Bible tells you that.
So keep that in mind whenyou're having those expectations
(17:36):
for the people that you loveand care about, but also give
them the grace that you kind ofmentioned already to be human,
to be the person.
Speaker 2 (17:45):
And understand that a relationship with God you know
I know it sounds simple, god,you know I know it sounds simple
, but having a relationship withGod is the only way you're
going to really be able to seethe world through a lens that is
sustainable, because in our ownpower, in our own humanness, in
our own brokenness, we aregoing to see people through our
own brokenness and that's whyyour relationship with God is
(18:06):
important and therapy and thingslike that Counseling, hanging
out with us, with coaching andall those things Spending time
being exposed to differentmindsets, being exposed to
different ways of doing things.
So, on your own, on our own, theonly thing we're going to do is
produce more of what's insideof us.
But in order to producesomething that's going to be
able to help someone else, youneed to have people who you know
(18:28):
, the people, the friends whowill tell you the hard things,
they will ask you the hardquestions, but they'll encourage
you that they will, you know,lift you up, and so
relationships are a part of youbecoming the best version of
yourself.
Speaker 1 (18:41):
Right, Because you can only manifest what's on the
inside of you.
Everybody heard that saying.
A lot of people have heard it.
Hurting people hurt otherpeople.
Well, that's a part of therecipe for getting over the
perfection, but that's alsogetting better at your
relationships, Because if yougive people the grace to be who
they are, or even having a sobermindset about who you are and
(19:05):
knowing that you're flawed andyou have issues and you have
things that you're working on,just like them, but also give
them the grace to know thatthey're in the same boat.
That makes life so much easierwith living life with other
people.
Yeah, I love the way you saythat, brian.
The more you practice, the moreyou're consistent.
You become better at it,absolutely.
Speaker 2 (19:25):
Because you get good at what you practice.
Speaker 1 (19:27):
Oh, absolutely.
So.
You mentioned about grace, sowe kind of transition into the
dating part.
Now we're going to need y'allto help us out here, because we
dated for a short time, evenwith each other.
Well, we dated each other and Ithink when you said that when
you posed the question at thevery beginning, dating doesn't
(19:49):
change because of your age, theway you date and the mindset
that you have you just have moremoney to do it though you
should.
Well, you can go ahead withthat one.
Speaker 2 (19:58):
Okay, so this is my perspective.
In the world of renee um,dating is something you do for
the rest of your life.
You don't just date when you'rea teenager and then you get
married, and then you just yourmid-20s, 30, 30s and 40s.
No dating is the gift that Godgives to marriage.
It's something you should bedoing forever.
Oh, absolutely, so you'relearning how to do it with
(20:20):
training wheels on.
When you're younger you shouldbe, but then when you're married
, you're dating.
This is my.
We date every week, we dateevery day, we check in on each
other, and so how do you date inyour 50s?
I can say how you date in your50s because I'm dating in my 50s
, and it's one.
The thing I said is connectedis grace.
First of all, give yourselfgrace, because sometimes, when
(20:42):
we do things later, we feel likewe're a go back to a what A
failure.
Just because you're datinglater, it doesn't mean that
you're behind or that you'relate or that something is wrong.
One of the things that I love.
I took a course by Nicole andone of the things she said was
you can never get behind in yourown journey.
(21:02):
Right, if you're dating at 50,then that's beautiful.
Speaker 1 (21:06):
But go date.
Speaker 2 (21:07):
Yeah, go date.
Don't allow what happened toyou before to make you not date.
Don't allow the disappointmentsand the things that happened in
the past to stop you fromdating.
Dating is a gift that we'regoing to be doing for the rest
of our life.
So, whether you start dating at16 or you start dating at 50,
it's something you're going tohave to learn how to get better
at, and it's going to get betterat it with different people.
(21:29):
Yep, because I think about whenI dated and I was laughing
today because, you know, thefirst person I dated was you.
Speaker 1 (21:36):
I can believe that.
Speaker 2 (21:38):
I didn't.
I didn't.
I mean, my mother didn't allowme to date, so I didn't get to
date.
And Gil has made my datingexperiences so great, even when
we were teenagers.
He took me places, he spentmoney on me, he exposed me my
first concert, my firstamusement park, my first real
trip, my first fine diningexperience.
Speaker 1 (22:00):
This brother right here, and that's a part of just
having fun.
And just because you thinkabout it, what's the purpose of
dating?
I remember asking I think Ishared this before what is the
purpose of dating?
Some people think it's to havethose friends with benefits, and
that's not it.
Some people think it's just tohave someone to hang out or
(22:21):
companionship.
That's a part of it, but that'snot the goal and that's not the
purpose of dating.
The purpose of dating is tofind somebody that you want to
spend the rest of your life with, even if and for those who may
be younger listening to this orwatching this, it doesn't mean
that you can't find your personat a young age because we found
each other at a young age, wewere.
Speaker 2 (22:41):
And it doesn't mean you can't find your person at an
older age.
We were, yeah we were 20.
Speaker 1 (22:46):
I mean really, when we got serious and got married.
We got married at 21.
We were 21 years old.
Those are babies, man.
I mean, we really barely.
Speaker 2 (22:55):
We weren't babies.
Life teaches you, life makesyou grow up and I just think
that our generation the Biblesays each generation will get
wiser but weaker.
You guys, this generation isvery intelligent and very
articulate and they have a lotof information.
But I think that our generation.
Speaker 1 (23:15):
We have more application.
Speaker 2 (23:16):
We may not have known as much, but we did more.
We weren't trying to learn it,we were trying to do it, and
that's how you learn, you learnby.
We learned by doing.
Speaker 1 (23:26):
Well, some of us didn't have a choice because we
were last key kids.
We're my last key kids.
Go ahead and chime in.
Yes, I'm dating myself.
We were last key kids, so wewere teaching each other
foolishness, but we were alsoteaching each other some fun
stuff.
You know, I mean I ain't gonnaget into we're gonna talk about
that another time some of thefoolish things we did as a young
age.
But this is something that wewanted to talk about because
(23:49):
even the question came out asfar as 50, we don't think it has
something to do with the age.
It has more to do with themindset that we mentioned
earlier, but also the purposeand what you're doing.
What are you looking for Ifyou're out there dating?
Do you know what you're lookingfor?
Speaker 2 (24:05):
And do you know the difference between dating and
going out?
Okay, we talk about that in ourbook.
Speaker 1 (24:10):
Oh, okay, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (24:13):
That's in the book and I think we need to really
have a different understand thatthere's a difference between
dating and going out, and somany times we don't realize that
there's a difference.
And so if you understand thatdating is something you're going
to do for the rest of your lifewith one person, because in the
beginning you're just going outwith a lot of people, but when
you date, the dating phase of itis designed to be with the
(24:35):
person you're going to spend therest of your life with um you
guys know I love dear futurewifey podcast and I was watching
an episode and they're talkingabout how, um they're dating
someone and they had things thatthey need to unpack and there
was pain.
One of the reasons why wecreated the app is because,
after working with couples for19 years, we realized that
(24:56):
there's a gap between dating andgetting married.
It's like you're either datingor you're engaged, about to get
married.
But guess what?
Dating and engaged, you'restill single.
So who helps you to getprepared for if you're even
ready to date?
And that's what the app doesand that's what the book does.
It helps you to kind of assesswell, am I even ready to date?
Speaker 1 (25:19):
You know you said something.
You said an optimal word whenRenee mentioned that we were
going to be talking about thissubject.
She said gap and I was justtalking and just she told me
about it and it just resonatedwith me because I heard people's
relationship have gaps in themand I really believe the Holy
Spirit gave me this.
People have gaps in theirrelationship and the source of
(25:41):
those gaps if you have them inyour relationship it's going to
be gap is greed, arrogance orpride.
So if you have gaps in thoserelationship areas greed,
arrogance or pride in yourselfThink about that.
If you're struggling withsomeone, sometimes you can look
(26:01):
outward and see those thingslike this.
You can see them at the drop ofa dime, but if you turn that
mirror around and look at it asit applies to yourself.
Speaker 2 (26:09):
That is so sexy, baby , you came up with that.
Speaker 1 (26:11):
Well, if you look, at yourself, that's something that
you really have to look at,because when I thought about
that, I said greed.
Okay, how am I greed towards inrelationship?
How is that creating a gapwhere it's never enough?
Speaker 2 (26:24):
Somebody who is greedy has never enough of
anything, an insatiable appetiteit could be for food, it could
be for sex, it could be forthings, it could be for um
titles, it could be for pleasure.
Greed is never leading toanything getting closer.
It's going to make you furtheraway from people absolutely.
Speaker 1 (26:44):
And when you talk about arrogance, some people
people confuse arrogance withconfidence.
Confidence is having areassurance about your ability
to do something.
Arrogance is trying to convinceother people that you can do
better or more than what you cando.
But guess what?
In the, in the instance, in theinside of who you are as that
individual, you really know oryou really have these thoughts
(27:04):
that I'm really not good enoughfor that, really have these
thoughts that I'm really notgood enough for that, or
thinking that you're too goodfor that other person or that
other relationship to thinking,oh, I'm better than they are or
I'm doing them a favor.
You ever heard that term,marrying up or dating up?
Yeah, if you are having thosemindsets, or if you ever use
that term, or even if you heardit, that's more than likely
(27:26):
you're engaging with somebodythat has an arrogance
disposition.
Speaker 2 (27:30):
And one of the things that I, when I think about the
difference between arrogance andconfidence, is that arrogance
is based on you and confidenceis based on God in you.
Oh yeah, that's good Becausearrogance is just what you can
do, who you are, as youconstantly trying to sell
yourself and confidence is it'sthe Lord, and he just enabled me
to do it.
Speaker 1 (27:49):
Absolutely.
And then the last one we talkedabout is pride.
This is probably the Bible.
talks about it throughout theBible, If you do a word search
and just mention pride and justlook for every instance of pride
that you are going through.
Think about this in a contextof today's situation.
If you have the mindset of dealbreakers or things that are you
(28:10):
saying are absolutes and thatyou can't live with, especially
in a person, what's the originof that?
Where did you get that from?
Where did you set that standardto the point that?
Is it the standard that you setor is it the standard that God
has presented in your life andyou should have deal breakers,
but they should be based oncharacter.
Yes, they should be based onfaith.
Speaker 2 (28:31):
They should be based on value.
They should not be based onWell girl, he took me to.
Speaker 1 (28:35):
Or he drives this kind of car.
Or he drives, or she wears, orhe don't wear these kind of
clothes.
Speaker 2 (28:39):
Or her, or she's too light, or she's too dark, based
on things that are not value,faith and character, then it's
more likely for it that it ismore than likely, as pride.
Speaker 1 (28:52):
It's funny how we see .
We know pride when it'srelevant and visible.
Big time in other people we cansee it.
It kind of goes into thatarrogant stuff, but you see the
pride in that person.
There's nothing wrong withhaving pride in who you are
being proud of.
Yeah that's a good way ofputting it being proud of being
proud of something, not pride insomething.
(29:13):
Right, when you think you'reall that in a bag of chips, as
they say, yes, you may want tocheck.
How is my pride meter?
Where is it at?
Is it pegged out?
Because other people will tellyou real quick.
Speaker 2 (29:23):
If you ask, and normally people who are prideful
.
Speaker 1 (29:26):
No, you're probably too arrogant to ask.
They're not going to ask.
They're not going to ask.
They're going to be tooarrogant to ask.
Speaker 2 (29:31):
They're not going to ask.
And one of the things you knowI talked about this before, I
said this before Pride hasdestroyed more relationships
than sex.
Speaker 1 (29:37):
That we've seen?
Yes, absolutely.
Speaker 2 (29:39):
Because pride.
The Bible says that pride comesbefore the fall, pride comes
before the fall, and so wheneverpride is leading, just know
whoever is being led by pride,the outcome is going to be a
fall.
And you may not physically seethe fall, but relationally,
emotionally, physically, youwill see the fall.
Speaker 1 (30:12):
And it's a part of that person who is in pride will
always see the flaw in you.
If you're in a relationship andthat person is always pointing
out something that you need tobe working on or thinking you're
the source of the disagreementor the conflict or things that
need to be resolved, or if theythink you're the one that needs
ABCD therapy or need to betalked to or whatever the case
may be.
Hopefully you're turning thatmirror around, like we said at
the beginning, and checkyourself and see where am I
adding this?
Because if you're in arelationship with another person
(30:33):
, you are going to be a sourceor a part of the problem, even
if it's a little little, little,little little part of the
conflict or anything else thathappens in your relationship,
anything that's just in yourselection, because if you're in
a relationship that you are notsatisfied with, you still chose
that.
Speaker 2 (30:49):
And unless you're married?
If you're married, you need toreally work on getting the help
you need, either get coaching-or you need training, or you may
need therapy, because sometimesthere's things that have
happened to us in our past andthat's why it's important, and
when I was listening to Latarisit really made my heart happy,
because I really know that whatwe've created is something
(31:10):
that's so needed.
You need to know where you are.
You may think you're ready todate I'm good.
You may think you're ready to beengaged, you may think you're
ready to be a wife or a husband,but you may not be.
And if you're not willing toeven check and see, guess what?
That is Pride?
Because we all have room forgrowth.
(31:32):
We all have room Because wehave been together since we were
18 years old.
And it's not that we knoweverything because we don't.
It's not that we have all theanswers, but we don't.
But we know more than someonewho's just starting out in the
journey.
So if we're willing to openourselves up and to share and to
be available and to bevulnerable, why not take
(31:54):
advantage of it?
Speaker 1 (31:55):
Yeah, because all we're trying to do is decrease
the learning curve and learnfrom the mistakes and some of
the topics that we talk about.
That's the whole purpose so youcan get better at the
relationships that you are in,and that's our goal.
So we hope you got somethingout of this.
We hope you.
Thanks Brian for chiming in andhanging out with us we
appreciate that.
Remember, check out the podcast,check out the YouTube videos
(32:17):
and all the other things that wehave out there.
You can always reach us at RichRelationship Refuge Gil and
Renee.
Whatever the case may be, reachout to us, put the comments in.
When you see this posted outthere, share it with somebody.
Maybe you know If this wasn'tapplicable to you.
Hopefully it was applicable tosomebody that you know.
Speaker 2 (32:33):
And, more than likely , if you don't think it was
applicable to you, you'relooking for somebody else.
That might be that gap thinggoing on, one of the parts of
the gap, and we're not talkingabout the gap band or the gap
store, we're talking about thegap between you and
relationships.
And Gil, what is it?
Speaker 1 (32:47):
It's the gap Greed, arrogance and pride.
Speaker 2 (32:51):
He is so smart, I'm just going to marry him.
Speaker 1 (32:54):
We'll see you guys next week.
Speaker 2 (32:55):
We love you guys, and we'll see you guys next week.
We'll go live next week.
Speaker 1 (32:59):
Next week?
Yeah, yeah, let us know Fridayor Saturday.
Yep, remember we're strongertogether.
Love you guys, see you.
Speaker 2 (33:04):
You are more than enough in Christ Jesus.
So if you guys have anyquestions, please, please,
please, put them in the chat.
We will answer them.
We'll give a couple of minutesfor you guys to ask questions.
If you have questions or thingsyou want to know, please put it
in the chat.
We're going to just give it afew more minutes.
So if you guys have anyquestions.
This was supposed to be ourdate night, but we decided to do
(33:30):
this tonight because we'regoing to do something fun
tomorrow, and maybe during thesummer, friday night would be
better too, or maybe Thursdaynight.
So we'll see you guys.
Let us know in the chat whichday is better for you guys.
Speaker 1 (33:39):
Well, we just want to hang out with you, so we
appreciate you guys.
Speaker 2 (33:41):
So we love you guys.
Again, if you have anyquestions, put them in the
comments in the chat.
If you're watching now,watching later, don't forget to
subscribe like um, turn on thebell notification and share this
video with your family andfriends.
We love you and you are morethan enough.
In christ jesus.
See ya, yep, right there.
And I'm Gil from the Rich Relationship Refuge and we
are excited to be with you guystonight.
We haven't been with you guys,live in a minute Been a little
busy.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
Been a little busy with some stuff going on.
But that's what you're supposedto do during the summertime Is
get out and do some activities,be hanging out with the person
that you're in love with andhanging out with your family and
doing things that are just fun.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
And writing books and publishing apps.
Speaker 1 (00:26):
That's what everybody does in the summer, and some
people's idea of fun is work,but everybody's different.
Speaker 2 (00:32):
No, no, no.
No.
That's not my idea of fun, buttoday I went live on YouTube and
on TikTok and I shared myselfgiving myself a mask.
My husband has still not seenthat yet, so he may have a
conniption fit, because hedoesn't believe that you should
(00:55):
be out in house shoes or inheadscarves.
So I guess I was out in my robeand a scarf.
Speaker 1 (01:01):
Nothing surprises me anymore and a scarf Nothing
surprises me anymore when youreally think about it.
We take outside, we takestrangers into our house, so
hopefully you want to keep itsomewhat good.
Speaker 2 (01:17):
But if you don't, hey ?
So what he means when he sayswe bring strangers into our
house is that we allow ourselvesto be open all of us to you,
all Right, and we love you andwe're so glad to serve you.
Speaker 1 (01:29):
But we do that Strangers in the House on a
regular basis, yeah, yeah, butit's always good because we're a
community and that's what we'retrying to do, so we appreciate
you guys hanging out with us.
I know it's been a little while.
We said we were coming on at 7,but we're a little delayed.
But we said we were coming onat 7, but we're a little delayed
.
But we are here now to talkabout a subject and answer a
couple of questions that came inthroughout the past week.
(01:49):
No, they came out today.
Speaker 2 (01:57):
Ok well came out today that we decided to just
freestyle and talk a little bitabout what they came up with.
Yeah, so if you are watchingnow or watching later, let us
know where you're watching from.
We, this was a real.
The questions were they camefrom two different platforms,
from two different people, and Iwill share that in the link.
I was trying to find it.
Um, sometimes it's kind of hardto go back and find.
I do remember that the personthat asked the question about
(02:19):
the dating was from tiktok andthe person that asked the
question about the topic becauseour topic is is perfectionism a
trap?
Speaker 1 (02:29):
How to navigate perfection.
Speaker 2 (02:31):
Yeah, but the question is the title is is
perfectionism a trap?
How to navigate dating after 50?
So we combined the two and madeit into one episode and so if
you have a question aboutrelationships or dating or just
something you want to know, wewant to be a safe place for you
to have those questions answered.
Speaker 1 (02:51):
So bring it up in the chat yes, we'll try to catch it
if we see it here.
Speaker 2 (02:55):
I'm trying to look you have on his glasses yep, so
we can see it.
Speaker 1 (02:59):
So come on and join us, please share please share
the link, please share the video.
Speaker 2 (03:04):
Please continue to watch our own content.
If you haven't subscribed yet,please subscribe.
Turn on your notification bellso that when we come on, you'll
know we're on and so you cancontinue to be a part the most
important part of our communityand also renee has worked really
hard.
Speaker 1 (03:17):
she mentioned it already at the very beginning of
the new book, so make sure youcheck out the new book, the
Singles Blueprint for Dating andMarriage.
Get it.
Get it.
It's available now.
Speaker 2 (03:29):
At Barnes Noble in person as well as online, so
we'll have to share more aboutthat, so check it out.
Speaker 1 (03:35):
We have started doing some stuff out of the book,
maybe for some of the teachingsand some of the conversations
for the lives that we're doinghere right now.
So you want to dive in and talka little bit about this.
The first topic is about theperfectionism.
Speaker 2 (03:50):
And I'm going to start with a story.
Okay, because I think that whenthe person asked the question,
I was like whew, that's aquestion that I can definitely
answer, and I think about evenjust what I did today, going
live in my robe while I'mputting on a mask.
That, for me, is something fiveyears ago I would have never
(04:13):
done.
Speaker 1 (04:14):
Why is that?
Speaker 2 (04:15):
Because I was so concerned about well, you know,
you got to do things the rightway, and is that proper?
And is that appropriate?
Is it inappropriate?
The right way, and is thatproper?
And is that?
Is that appropriate, is itinappropriate?
And it's because for so manyyears I struggled with
perfectionism, trying to doeverything right, trying to get
it right, trying to.
And my thing wasn't ever somuch about the image, it was
(04:38):
about the overwhelming desire todo things without flaw okay and
so one of the things that I did, I know, if you guys remember,
I had a t-shirt, it was called.
It said Renee M Beavers.
It said flawed, because we areflawed, everyone wants to be
flawless, but it's moreimportant that we understand
that we are all flawed, and so Ireally, when the person asked
(05:01):
the question, I was like, wow,yes, I can definitely address
that and really share from myown life, because I had to
realize that we're going to makemistakes, we're going to fail,
we're going to do things wrong,we're going to maybe do
something that may make someonesee you in a bad light.
That's just all a part of thehuman experience.
Speaker 1 (05:22):
You know that was challenging, I think, even for
me.
Pastor was talking about theimposter syndrome.
When you have a idea of how youshould be doing things the
right way, like you were kind oftalking about the perfect way,
so to speak.
When you start, when you lookat your life in light of
scripture, or it gives you adifferent perspective about
(05:44):
knowing who you really reallyare, when you know that you came
into this world, like Romans 3talks about, as a human.
We are all failures in thatsense in that context.
So you can't achieve perfection.
No matter what you do, you canbe good at a lot of things.
There is no perfection, butthat doesn't stop you from
trying to do things as best asyou possibly can.
(06:04):
And I think a part of it for mewas you mentioned it already
was the fear of failure.
Nobody likes to fail atanything that they do,
especially in theirrelationships.
When you fail in a relationshipand we've all had them where
you've dated someone and itdidn't work out and so you move
on to the next one, that is afailure in a sense of maybe you
didn't fail as a whole entiretyof something, but you failed at
(06:29):
the relationship and there was areason why.
There was a reason why whetherthe person wasn't the person for
you or something that you mayhave done, you have to own it
and think about it.
But you can't let that hold youbondage to pursuing something
that is far beyond our reach,when the Bible already tells you
that you're human and you'regoing to fail at things.
Don't even try it, don't eventhink about it.
Speaker 2 (06:50):
It's not that you don't try your best, it's that
you don't try to do everythingwithout making mistakes.
We're going to say the wrongthing, we're going to do the
wrong thing, we are going tohurt people's feelings, we're
going to do the wrong thing.
We are going to hurt people'sfeelings, we're going to do
things that are inappropriate.
And the reason why I thoughtthose even though the questions
(07:11):
came from two different peopleand it was two different topics,
but the solution is the samefor both of them and I thought
that that was really beautifulbecause as soon as I thought
about it, I was like wow, and solet's talk about what
perfectionism is.
What is it Like, wow, and solet's talk about what
perfectionism is.
What is it?
It's?
You know, let's kind ofdescribe it, and if I had to
describe it in my own words, itis an overwhelming sense of
(07:32):
doing things without any roomfor you to be human, without any
room for you to grow, with anunrealistic expectation of
performing at a level that isnot humanly possible.
And so if I had to describeperfectionism, that's what I
would say it is.
I think it's really.
(07:52):
Even though on the outward it'slike you're doing everything
really well inwardly, you'rereally setting yourself up for
emotional failure, because it'simpossible to do things with
perfection, because everythingthat comes from us, that's
impossible to do things withperfection, oh yeah, because we
have to.
Everything that comes from us,that's good, it comes from God,
and so it's not us, it's Christin us, not us doing everything.
Speaker 1 (08:14):
And I think it's a part of it is a mindset that you
actually have.
When you think about themindset that we all obtain and
we try to do things as best wepossibly can, especially in our
relationships, you want to putthe best face or the best
instance of who you are forwardall the time, every time.
And how long was what you thinkabout?
(08:35):
How long are you dating someonebefore you let them see you?
Let's just call it what it is.
How long were you datingsomeone before you farted?
Speaker 2 (08:43):
I think that's so funny I mean that's.
Speaker 1 (08:46):
I know that sounds crazy, it sounds but it is it is
your stomach is hurting.
Yeah, your stomach is pains andmaybe you had something that
you're trying to hold.
Speaker 2 (08:55):
your breath You're trying to do all this.
Now Gil has grown, because hewould have never said that
before.
Speaker 1 (09:00):
See, and you rub off.
See, I'm not perfect, I knowthat, but even just something
like that, in the sense ofSomething, as simple as that.
Even I mean, you've been aroundpeople who like that.
I mean, come on, it's like, doyou?
Speaker 2 (09:14):
pass gas, I mean.
So one of the things that Ialways say is that as long as
you do do MP, you're just likeme.
If you do that, that meansyou're human, and so we need to
understand that there arecertain things that level the
playing ground.
And it just makes you human.
Speaker 1 (09:34):
And to me, if the fact that I pass gas makes you
not like me then bye.
Speaker 2 (09:36):
I know that sounds crazy, but that sounds trivial,
but it really is, especially inthis dating terrain, as our girl
camille says it's.
What did she say?
It was uh diabolical.
Yeah, it was treacherous.
So I can see how you could beeliminated by just something as
simple as oh my gosh, he or shepassed gas.
I got to be perfect and youcan't be.
You can't be.
It's not possible.
(09:56):
You're going to see each other.
I really thought it was reallycute.
I showed you I was watchingsomeone's feed and they created
this video.
They show when you first startdating.
She was taking her husband sometissue in the bathroom and in
the first year Toilet paper,because they were having to sit
down.
Yeah, the first and in the firstyear because they were having
to sit down.
Yeah, the first time she hadher face all covered up and
everything.
That was the first year.
And in the second year she justyou know handed in third year
(10:17):
but by the last, by about 15years, she was sitting there
with him talking, having a snack.
Well, having a snack while theywere.
So it just shows you the wehave to be open to the
progression of our relationshipsevolving, with us being totally
vulnerable, totally transparent.
That's why I felt totallycomfortable with you guys
showing you guys, my mask.
(10:37):
I'm like these are my people,they love me and I love them.
So I don't have to show you theedited, perfect version of me,
because, guess what, there isn'tone.
Speaker 1 (10:45):
You said something earlier about the whole
perfectionism and pursuing ofthat and how the image is how
you try to portray and displayyourself in a certain light.
But talk a little bit about thehaving a low self-worth when it
comes to perfection.
Speaker 2 (10:59):
Yeah, and you know, you think that it would make.
It is coming from a place ofhigh value, but really
perfectionism is coming from aplace of you not valuing
yourself, because we always sayyou are more than enough.
So if I'm more than enough,what is it that I'm going to do
or give that's going to make memore valuable?
Because what makes you valuable?
We always say that you haveenough stuff.
(11:21):
You know who you are, you knowhow to say no.
That's where the enoughness ofGod comes from you.
Knowing that me, by myself, allalong in a room with nothing, I
am enough.
And so perfectionism to me,knowing who you are in Christ
and knowing that your value,your identity, is in something
(11:45):
or someone bigger than you, itkind of really smashes the whole
idea of perfectionism.
Speaker 1 (11:47):
Oh yeah, it puts it in perspective.
You also think about when youare trying to seek or you're
actually trying, to be perfectin your relationships.
You almost have like this fearthat you, if I make a mistake,
it's going to be over.
That's unrealistic.
It is.
Mistakes are a part of justlife.
They're just a part of being inrelationships.
It's a part of just being ahuman, a part of just being a
(12:15):
human.
But we put so much weight onourselves to maintain this
status or maintain this image,if I can put it that way, that
we don't make mistakes and ifyou're always trying to own up
to that or try to maintain thatmantle or live up to that.
Speaker 2 (12:26):
yeah, that's a good way of putting it, You're going
to be exhausted.
Speaker 1 (12:28):
Oh man, you're going to be so exhausted because
you're not going to be perfect.
Speaker 2 (12:32):
Yeah, because the part of it is understanding.
If you're going to be exhaustedoh man, you're going to be so
exhausted because you're notgoing to be perfect.
Yeah, because part of it isunderstanding.
If you're going to spend therest of your life with this
person, do you only want them toknow the smallest part of you?
I want you to know every partof me, the good, the bad, the
highs, the lows, my strengths orweaknesses.
And you know?
No, you don't do that on thefirst date.
That's something you have tobuild up to.
But I think it's important thatwe understand that the reason
why we have been able to betogether and to have a healthy
(12:55):
relationship for so long isbecause we have brought to each
other who we really are.
Speaker 1 (13:01):
You know, a part of that is really just accepting
who you're with for who they are.
Speaker 2 (13:06):
But you have to first accept yourself.
Yeah, go ahead, I think that'sone of the things that I think,
especially now in this climate,just watching the things that go
on.
And one of the things I saidtoday was something that someone
told me when I was a teen thathas stuck with me is that when
you love, you can't love someoneelse if you don't love yourself
.
So when you love you, the wayyou love you is going to be the
(13:29):
way you love other people, andso you have to make sure that
you really have accepted andthat you understand and you're
not going to know all of it.
It's a process, because what Iknow about myself at 20, what I
know about myself at 56 haschanged.
So I think one of the biggestthings that you have to be
extending to yourself, to kindof crush perfectionism, is grace
(13:49):
.
Speaker 1 (13:49):
Right, and that kind of blades over into the second
part of the conversation, whichis dating after 50.
And, brian, we thank you forjust chiming in and just putting
some emojis down there.
Thank you for hanging out withus for a little while.
Put something in there if youwant to contribute to the
conversation, because that'swhat this is really all about.
We are just going live andtalking about real topics that
people are really going throughin their relationships.
Speaker 2 (14:18):
Renee and I have been together 35 plus years and so
even over that time we have hadups and downs and made right
turns and left turns and all thethings in between, and made
good decisions and bad decisions, and we just want to prevent
you from share with you thethings we've done right and also
the things that we've donewrong, because no one has done
everything right and no one hasdone everything wrong, and so
it's just understanding that,bringing that both from a male
and a female and a biblicalperspective, I really believe
(14:40):
that what we're doing, it'sblessing us and so we pray that
it's a blessing you all.
Speaker 1 (14:46):
Because and I think I'll sum it up on the last thing
when we talk about only God isperfect and that's the last
thing we wanted to say about theperfection thing Only God is
perfect, and Matthew tells youthat in chapter four.
It talks about perfection ofGod.
Keep that in mind.
We can never measure up to that.
It doesn't mean that we can'taspire to be the best we can be
for the people that we love andcare about, whether it's your
(15:08):
significant other, your husband,wife, your relatives, your kids
, your employer, your employees,your colleagues, whomever.
Just know that it's a part ofjust being in life.
You know, if you have that fearof failure, just know it's
inevitable, it's nothing thatyou can do.
But you have to always beself-gauging and self-assessing
(15:28):
when am I at?
Am I trying to get better?
If you're not in that positionof trying to stay where you're
at, that's what you want to getaway from is to always get
better.
Speaker 2 (15:38):
I'm sorry.
I remember when we were atDunamis there was an elder.
He really loved Hebrew andGreek and one of the things that
he said.
We were in a class and he saidperfection is not hitting the
bullseye, perfection is alwaystrying to.
Yes, and so I love that.
So that helped me to kind ofrealize okay, I'm never going to
(16:00):
hit it, but I should never giveup trying.
Right, so I'm never going to beeverything that Gil has ever
dreamed of, but that doesn'tstop me from trying.
Speaker 1 (16:10):
And even on top of that, a part of that I think
goes along with is realisticexpectations.
Yes, having realisticexpectations for the people
you're in relationship with.
That's a part of not allowingthat person to be human and to
fail and to do all the thingsthat we've already talked about.
When you have that standardthat this person can't achieve
(16:32):
what you expected, then that'san unfair expectation to put on
anyone.
I think about in ourrelationship when we first got
married that there was someunrealistic expectations that
Renee put on me to maintain, aswe talked.
Well, it was.
I think it goes back to.
Well, it wasn't three, it wasgoes back to, I think, the the
(16:53):
low self-esteem or the esteemissues where Renee it wasn't
that she was thinking she wasn'tworth anything, it was, I think
she lacked the confidence inwho she was on that and she
expected me to make up for thegap.
Yes, and to re-encourage herand to be constantly affirming
and constantly doing the thingswhere only God can do that.
Speaker 2 (17:12):
I wanted you to make me feel good about me.
Speaker 1 (17:14):
Yeah, and that goes back to what you said already of
you have to love yourself firstand how God created you first
in order for that to happen.
Because if you try to put thatexpectation on another human
being, you're going to wear themout.
It's impossible.
We already just told youthey're going to fail because
they're human.
The Bible tells you that.
So keep that in mind whenyou're having those expectations
(17:36):
for the people that you loveand care about, but also give
them the grace that you kind ofmentioned already to be human,
to be the person.
Speaker 2 (17:45):
And understand that a relationship with God you know
I know it sounds simple, god,you know I know it sounds simple
, but having a relationship withGod is the only way you're
going to really be able to seethe world through a lens that is
sustainable, because in our ownpower, in our own humanness, in
our own brokenness, we aregoing to see people through our
own brokenness and that's whyyour relationship with God is
(18:06):
important and therapy and thingslike that Counseling, hanging
out with us, with coaching andall those things Spending time
being exposed to differentmindsets, being exposed to
different ways of doing things.
So, on your own, on our own, theonly thing we're going to do is
produce more of what's insideof us.
But in order to producesomething that's going to be
able to help someone else, youneed to have people who you know
(18:28):
, the people, the friends whowill tell you the hard things,
they will ask you the hardquestions, but they'll encourage
you that they will, you know,lift you up, and so
relationships are a part of youbecoming the best version of
yourself.
Speaker 1 (18:41):
Right, Because you can only manifest what's on the
inside of you.
Everybody heard that saying.
A lot of people have heard it.
Hurting people hurt otherpeople.
Well, that's a part of therecipe for getting over the
perfection, but that's alsogetting better at your
relationships, Because if yougive people the grace to be who
they are, or even having a sobermindset about who you are and
(19:05):
knowing that you're flawed andyou have issues and you have
things that you're working on,just like them, but also give
them the grace to know thatthey're in the same boat.
That makes life so much easierwith living life with other
people.
Yeah, I love the way you saythat, brian.
The more you practice, the moreyou're consistent.
You become better at it,absolutely.
Speaker 2 (19:25):
Because you get good at what you practice.
Speaker 1 (19:27):
Oh, absolutely.
So.
You mentioned about grace, sowe kind of transition into the
dating part.
Now we're going to need y'allto help us out here, because we
dated for a short time, evenwith each other.
Well, we dated each other and Ithink when you said that when
you posed the question at thevery beginning, dating doesn't
(19:49):
change because of your age, theway you date and the mindset
that you have you just have moremoney to do it though you
should.
Well, you can go ahead withthat one.
Speaker 2 (19:58):
Okay, so this is my perspective.
In the world of renee um,dating is something you do for
the rest of your life.
You don't just date when you'rea teenager and then you get
married, and then you just yourmid-20s, 30, 30s and 40s.
No dating is the gift that Godgives to marriage.
It's something you should bedoing forever.
Oh, absolutely, so you'relearning how to do it with
(20:20):
training wheels on.
When you're younger you shouldbe, but then when you're married
, you're dating.
This is my.
We date every week, we dateevery day, we check in on each
other, and so how do you date inyour 50s?
I can say how you date in your50s because I'm dating in my 50s
, and it's one.
The thing I said is connectedis grace.
First of all, give yourselfgrace, because sometimes, when
(20:42):
we do things later, we feel likewe're a go back to a what A
failure.
Just because you're datinglater, it doesn't mean that
you're behind or that you'relate or that something is wrong.
One of the things that I love.
I took a course by Nicole andone of the things she said was
you can never get behind in yourown journey.
(21:02):
Right, if you're dating at 50,then that's beautiful.
Speaker 1 (21:06):
But go date.
Speaker 2 (21:07):
Yeah, go date.
Don't allow what happened toyou before to make you not date.
Don't allow the disappointmentsand the things that happened in
the past to stop you fromdating.
Dating is a gift that we'regoing to be doing for the rest
of our life.
So, whether you start dating at16 or you start dating at 50,
it's something you're going tohave to learn how to get better
at, and it's going to get betterat it with different people.
(21:29):
Yep, because I think about whenI dated and I was laughing
today because, you know, thefirst person I dated was you.
Speaker 1 (21:36):
I can believe that.
Speaker 2 (21:38):
I didn't.
I didn't.
I mean, my mother didn't allowme to date, so I didn't get to
date.
And Gil has made my datingexperiences so great, even when
we were teenagers.
He took me places, he spentmoney on me, he exposed me my
first concert, my firstamusement park, my first real
trip, my first fine diningexperience.
Speaker 1 (22:00):
This brother right here, and that's a part of just
having fun.
And just because you thinkabout it, what's the purpose of
dating?
I remember asking I think Ishared this before what is the
purpose of dating?
Some people think it's to havethose friends with benefits, and
that's not it.
Some people think it's just tohave someone to hang out or
(22:21):
companionship.
That's a part of it, but that'snot the goal and that's not the
purpose of dating.
The purpose of dating is tofind somebody that you want to
spend the rest of your life with, even if and for those who may
be younger listening to this orwatching this, it doesn't mean
that you can't find your personat a young age because we found
each other at a young age, wewere.
Speaker 2 (22:41):
And it doesn't mean you can't find your person at an
older age.
We were, yeah we were 20.
Speaker 1 (22:46):
I mean really, when we got serious and got married.
We got married at 21.
We were 21 years old.
Those are babies, man.
I mean, we really barely.
Speaker 2 (22:55):
We weren't babies.
Life teaches you, life makesyou grow up and I just think
that our generation the Biblesays each generation will get
wiser but weaker.
You guys, this generation isvery intelligent and very
articulate and they have a lotof information.
But I think that our generation.
Speaker 1 (23:15):
We have more application.
Speaker 2 (23:16):
We may not have known as much, but we did more.
We weren't trying to learn it,we were trying to do it, and
that's how you learn, you learnby.
We learned by doing.
Speaker 1 (23:26):
Well, some of us didn't have a choice because we
were last key kids.
We're my last key kids.
Go ahead and chime in.
Yes, I'm dating myself.
We were last key kids, so wewere teaching each other
foolishness, but we were alsoteaching each other some fun
stuff.
You know, I mean I ain't gonnaget into we're gonna talk about
that another time some of thefoolish things we did as a young
age.
But this is something that wewanted to talk about because
(23:49):
even the question came out asfar as 50, we don't think it has
something to do with the age.
It has more to do with themindset that we mentioned
earlier, but also the purposeand what you're doing.
What are you looking for Ifyou're out there dating?
Do you know what you're lookingfor?
Speaker 2 (24:05):
And do you know the difference between dating and
going out?
Okay, we talk about that in ourbook.
Speaker 1 (24:10):
Oh, okay, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (24:13):
That's in the book and I think we need to really
have a different understand thatthere's a difference between
dating and going out, and somany times we don't realize that
there's a difference.
And so if you understand thatdating is something you're going
to do for the rest of your lifewith one person, because in the
beginning you're just going outwith a lot of people, but when
you date, the dating phase of itis designed to be with the
(24:35):
person you're going to spend therest of your life with um you
guys know I love dear futurewifey podcast and I was watching
an episode and they're talkingabout how, um they're dating
someone and they had things thatthey need to unpack and there
was pain.
One of the reasons why wecreated the app is because,
after working with couples for19 years, we realized that
(24:56):
there's a gap between dating andgetting married.
It's like you're either datingor you're engaged, about to get
married.
But guess what?
Dating and engaged, you'restill single.
So who helps you to getprepared for if you're even
ready to date?
And that's what the app doesand that's what the book does.
It helps you to kind of assesswell, am I even ready to date?
Speaker 1 (25:19):
You know you said something.
You said an optimal word whenRenee mentioned that we were
going to be talking about thissubject.
She said gap and I was justtalking and just she told me
about it and it just resonatedwith me because I heard people's
relationship have gaps in themand I really believe the Holy
Spirit gave me this.
People have gaps in theirrelationship and the source of
(25:41):
those gaps if you have them inyour relationship it's going to
be gap is greed, arrogance orpride.
So if you have gaps in thoserelationship areas greed,
arrogance or pride in yourselfThink about that.
If you're struggling withsomeone, sometimes you can look
(26:01):
outward and see those thingslike this.
You can see them at the drop ofa dime, but if you turn that
mirror around and look at it asit applies to yourself.
Speaker 2 (26:09):
That is so sexy, baby , you came up with that.
Speaker 1 (26:11):
Well, if you look, at yourself, that's something that
you really have to look at,because when I thought about
that, I said greed.
Okay, how am I greed towards inrelationship?
How is that creating a gapwhere it's never enough?
Speaker 2 (26:24):
Somebody who is greedy has never enough of
anything, an insatiable appetiteit could be for food, it could
be for sex, it could be forthings, it could be for um
titles, it could be for pleasure.
Greed is never leading toanything getting closer.
It's going to make you furtheraway from people absolutely.
Speaker 1 (26:44):
And when you talk about arrogance, some people
people confuse arrogance withconfidence.
Confidence is having areassurance about your ability
to do something.
Arrogance is trying to convinceother people that you can do
better or more than what you cando.
But guess what?
In the, in the instance, in theinside of who you are as that
individual, you really know oryou really have these thoughts
(27:04):
that I'm really not good enoughfor that, really have these
thoughts that I'm really notgood enough for that, or
thinking that you're too goodfor that other person or that
other relationship to thinking,oh, I'm better than they are or
I'm doing them a favor.
You ever heard that term,marrying up or dating up?
Yeah, if you are having thosemindsets, or if you ever use
that term, or even if you heardit, that's more than likely
(27:26):
you're engaging with somebodythat has an arrogance
disposition.
Speaker 2 (27:30):
And one of the things that I, when I think about the
difference between arrogance andconfidence, is that arrogance
is based on you and confidenceis based on God in you.
Oh yeah, that's good Becausearrogance is just what you can
do, who you are, as youconstantly trying to sell
yourself and confidence is it'sthe Lord, and he just enabled me
to do it.
Speaker 1 (27:49):
Absolutely.
And then the last one we talkedabout is pride.
This is probably the Bible.
talks about it throughout theBible, If you do a word search
and just mention pride and justlook for every instance of pride
that you are going through.
Think about this in a contextof today's situation.
If you have the mindset of dealbreakers or things that are you
(28:10):
saying are absolutes and thatyou can't live with, especially
in a person, what's the originof that?
Where did you get that from?
Where did you set that standardto the point that?
Is it the standard that you setor is it the standard that God
has presented in your life andyou should have deal breakers,
but they should be based oncharacter.
Yes, they should be based onfaith.
Speaker 2 (28:31):
They should be based on value.
They should not be based onWell girl, he took me to.
Speaker 1 (28:35):
Or he drives this kind of car.
Or he drives, or she wears, orhe don't wear these kind of
clothes.
Speaker 2 (28:39):
Or her, or she's too light, or she's too dark, based
on things that are not value,faith and character, then it's
more likely for it that it ismore than likely, as pride.
Speaker 1 (28:52):
It's funny how we see .
We know pride when it'srelevant and visible.
Big time in other people we cansee it.
It kind of goes into thatarrogant stuff, but you see the
pride in that person.
There's nothing wrong withhaving pride in who you are
being proud of.
Yeah that's a good way ofputting it being proud of being
proud of something, not pride insomething.
(29:13):
Right, when you think you'reall that in a bag of chips, as
they say, yes, you may want tocheck.
How is my pride meter?
Where is it at?
Is it pegged out?
Because other people will tellyou real quick.
Speaker 2 (29:23):
If you ask, and normally people who are prideful
.
Speaker 1 (29:26):
No, you're probably too arrogant to ask.
They're not going to ask.
They're not going to ask.
They're going to be tooarrogant to ask.
Speaker 2 (29:31):
They're not going to ask.
And one of the things you knowI talked about this before, I
said this before Pride hasdestroyed more relationships
than sex.
Speaker 1 (29:37):
That we've seen?
Yes, absolutely.
Speaker 2 (29:39):
Because pride.
The Bible says that pride comesbefore the fall, pride comes
before the fall, and so wheneverpride is leading, just know
whoever is being led by pride,the outcome is going to be a
fall.
And you may not physically seethe fall, but relationally,
emotionally, physically, youwill see the fall.
Speaker 1 (30:12):
And it's a part of that person who is in pride will
always see the flaw in you.
If you're in a relationship andthat person is always pointing
out something that you need tobe working on or thinking you're
the source of the disagreementor the conflict or things that
need to be resolved, or if theythink you're the one that needs
ABCD therapy or need to betalked to or whatever the case
may be.
Hopefully you're turning thatmirror around, like we said at
the beginning, and checkyourself and see where am I
adding this?
Because if you're in arelationship with another person
(30:33):
, you are going to be a sourceor a part of the problem, even
if it's a little little, little,little little part of the
conflict or anything else thathappens in your relationship,
anything that's just in yourselection, because if you're in
a relationship that you are notsatisfied with, you still chose
that.
Speaker 2 (30:49):
And unless you're married?
If you're married, you need toreally work on getting the help
you need, either get coaching-or you need training, or you may
need therapy, because sometimesthere's things that have
happened to us in our past andthat's why it's important, and
when I was listening to Latarisit really made my heart happy,
because I really know that whatwe've created is something
(31:10):
that's so needed.
You need to know where you are.
You may think you're ready todate I'm good.
You may think you're ready to beengaged, you may think you're
ready to be a wife or a husband,but you may not be.
And if you're not willing toeven check and see, guess what?
That is Pride?
Because we all have room forgrowth.
(31:32):
We all have room Because wehave been together since we were
18 years old.
And it's not that we knoweverything because we don't.
It's not that we have all theanswers, but we don't.
But we know more than someonewho's just starting out in the
journey.
So if we're willing to openourselves up and to share and to
be available and to bevulnerable, why not take
(31:54):
advantage of it?
Speaker 1 (31:55):
Yeah, because all we're trying to do is decrease
the learning curve and learnfrom the mistakes and some of
the topics that we talk about.
That's the whole purpose so youcan get better at the
relationships that you are in,and that's our goal.
So we hope you got somethingout of this.
We hope you.
Thanks Brian for chiming in andhanging out with us we
appreciate that.
Remember, check out the podcast,check out the YouTube videos
(32:17):
and all the other things that wehave out there.
You can always reach us at RichRelationship Refuge Gil and
Renee.
Whatever the case may be, reachout to us, put the comments in.
When you see this posted outthere, share it with somebody.
Maybe you know If this wasn'tapplicable to you.
Hopefully it was applicable tosomebody that you know.
Speaker 2 (32:33):
And, more than likely , if you don't think it was
applicable to you, you'relooking for somebody else.
That might be that gap thinggoing on, one of the parts of
the gap, and we're not talkingabout the gap band or the gap
store, we're talking about thegap between you and
relationships.
And Gil, what is it?
Speaker 1 (32:47):
It's the gap Greed, arrogance and pride.
Speaker 2 (32:51):
He is so smart, I'm just going to marry him.
Speaker 1 (32:54):
We'll see you guys next week.
Speaker 2 (32:55):
We love you guys, and we'll see you guys next week.
We'll go live next week.
Speaker 1 (32:59):
Next week?
Yeah, yeah, let us know Fridayor Saturday.
Yep, remember we're strongertogether.
Love you guys, see you.
Speaker 2 (33:04):
You are more than enough in Christ Jesus.
So if you guys have anyquestions, please, please,
please, put them in the chat.
We will answer them.
We'll give a couple of minutesfor you guys to ask questions.
If you have questions or thingsyou want to know, please put it
in the chat.
We're going to just give it afew more minutes.
So if you guys have anyquestions.
This was supposed to be ourdate night, but we decided to do
(33:30):
this tonight because we'regoing to do something fun
tomorrow, and maybe during thesummer, friday night would be
better too, or maybe Thursdaynight.
So we'll see you guys.
Let us know in the chat whichday is better for you guys.
Speaker 1 (33:39):
Well, we just want to hang out with you, so we
appreciate you guys.
Speaker 2 (33:41):
So we love you guys.
Again, if you have anyquestions, put them in the
comments in the chat.
If you're watching now,watching later, don't forget to
subscribe like um, turn on thebell notification and share this
video with your family andfriends.
We love you and you are morethan enough.
In christ jesus.
See ya, yep, right there.
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