January 29, 2025 • 20 mins
Discover the six essential secrets to preventing divorce, rooted in over 35 years of marriage experience and insight from Rich Relationship Podcast hosts Gil and Renee. What if you could transform your relationship by embracing your differences and strengthening your bond with loyalty, commitment, honesty, and transparency? We promise you'll gain practical tools to nurture meaningful connections, whether you're married or dating, by learning from our personal journey and the biblical principles that have been our guiding light.
Join us as we share our love story, including raising our daughter and adopting Renee's two younger sisters, and how we've navigated the complex dynamics of being an extroverted introvert couple. Our conversation goes beyond personal anecdotes, offering you evidence-based advice rooted in our training as relationship coaches. With insights into speaking your partner's language and reflective practices like journaling, we aim to help you differentiate between lust and love, creating a foundation for honest, open, and transparent relationships. Tune in for an episode packed with wisdom, humor, and heartfelt experiences designed to inspire and equip you to cultivate lasting connections.
RICH RELATIONSHIPS REFUGE
Meet: Gil & Renée
Rich Relationships Refuge podcast with Gilbert J and Renée M. Beavers is fantastic because it's the best place to explore the reality of relationships — the good, the bad, and the painful and confusing. This podcast helps to illuminate what it means to be intimate with others and what it teaches people about them. It will make you want to strive for a kinder, more fun relationship with others., This a place where love flourishes, bonds deepen, and relationships thrive. We're Gil and Renee, authors, and marriage coaches, and we're honored to walk alongside you on your journey towards a rich and fulfilling partnership.
In a world where relationships can feel like a maze, we believe in providing you with the compass and map to navigate the path of love with confidence and grace. Whether you're single and seeking, newly dating, or preparing for marriage, our app is your sanctuary—a refuge where you can find guidance, support, and inspiration every step of the way.
https://www.richrrmarriagementors.com/book-online
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:26):
Welcome to the Rich Relationship Podcast with Gil
and Renee, where amazing thingshappen.
Speaker 2 (00:32):
Our goal is to help build, repair and restore
healthy relationships.
Hey everyone, I'm Renee.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
And I'm Gil from the Rich Relationship Refuge.
Speaker 2 (00:45):
And we started each day off with a kiss, so we
figured we'd start off eachepisode with a kiss.
In this episode we're going totalk about our marriage story
and six secrets that preventdivorce, so hope you're ready,
babe.
You know how we like to watchall those relationship shows.
Speaker 1 (01:04):
Yes, yes, yes, love.
And what is it?
Speaker 2 (01:08):
It doesn't matter what the names are, but we like
to watch relationship shows andas a result of watching those
shows we have kind of reverseengineered some of the things
that we realize can be secretsto prevent divorce, and so but
before we share with you thesecrets that we kind of they're
really not secrets, it's justthings that we, I think we
learned and we learn, we knowand we grow from.
Speaker 1 (01:30):
But we want to share with you a little bit of
backstory about us, becausemaybe you've seen some of the
videos already and you just seewho are these people talking to
me about relationships andmarriage and all that?
Well, a lot of times you wantto know how credible is the
people or what makes them theseexperts.
You should want to know.
Speaker 2 (01:48):
We don't consider ourselves as experts.
Speaker 1 (01:50):
We just have a lot of experience in doing something
and that's what we've beensharing with people for over 17
years now and work with couplesfrom eight different states and
overseas and all that.
But we just wanted to sharethis information with you now
through this medium, so you canget an idea of who you're
talking to or who we are talkingto, so you know a little bit
(02:10):
about us in the background.
Speaker 2 (02:11):
So we're both from Detroit, Michigan.
We got married when we were 21years old.
Speaker 1 (02:17):
And people thought we were crazy.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
Yeah, and everyone kept saying it wouldn't last.
Well, the people who said itwouldn't last, you were wrong 35
years later.
December will be 35 years, andso I think a part of it is
understanding that so many timesin the relationship space there
are people addressing singlewomen and people addressing
single men, but as a couplewe're addressing it from.
Speaker 1 (02:39):
We're addressing marriage from a female and a
male's perspective with, alsowith the biblical background,
because that is the foundationfor what we have built our
marriage and our relationshipand our life upon.
Speaker 2 (02:50):
Yeah, and a part of it is understanding that we do
believe that the Bible is thefinal authority, but there's
ways.
You have to learn how to applyit, and so we are certified
through preparing the rich.
We do have those credentials.
So we're not just doing thisbased on our experience and our
opinion, we're doing it based onthe Bible 34 years of marriage
and tons and tons of trainingthrough preparing the rich.
Speaker 1 (03:11):
And other courses that we've taken.
Speaker 2 (03:12):
Other courses we've taken, so this is not our
opinion.
We're never going to tell you.
If I were you, you should dothis, because it's really not
about if you were me.
It's about you being you andlearning how to make your
relationship work for the two ofyou.
Speaker 1 (03:24):
You know, because it's very important that you
know not only the backstory ofthe people who are you're
listening to whether it'sthrough these videos or through
our podcast but also to get anidea of who we are as people.
Because, renee, I'll be thefirst to tell you I was like
we'll just stay on podcast videoand all that.
I get it.
I do it.
I love being behind the camera,but I believe in this so much
(03:47):
that I really said you know whatI'm willing to say.
I'll get in front of the cameraso people can connect with when
they hear the voice, with theperson, because we know that's
just as important when you'relistening to things, and we
always say it in the show.
Thank you for your investmentin time, because we believe
that's what this is, you know.
Speaker 2 (04:04):
And I really want to commend you because I know that
our personalities are different.
I am an extrovert and Gil is anintrovert, and so in most of
these relationships you see oneperson who's primarily in front
of the camera, but we're bothcommitting to going outside of
our comfort level and ourpersonalities to help the next
generation of people who looklike us, and even people who
(04:26):
don't look like us, because somany times we don't have
examples, we don't have training, we don't have people we can go
to that are healthy.
So not that we're perfect, notthat we have everything all
figured out, but we're justwilling to put ourself out there
in a way that you have someoneyou can physically connect with
and walk alongside you in thisrelationship, marriage and even
(04:48):
if you're dating, um, it'simportant that you get these
tools before you get into amarriage relationship so, as you
, we started out the videotalking a little bit about the
backstory.
Speaker 1 (04:57):
You know we've been married 35 years, since December
34 years, 35 in December uh,but we, before we actually got
to those years, we actually hada long road to get there, just
from being together as a couple.
We started out in Detroit.
We're a retired military familyfrom the Air Force we actually
have lived in.
I think this was move number 13and may not be done yet, but
(05:19):
we'll see where it goes.
It may not be done yet, butwe'll see where it goes.
But that's the lovely thingabout this now is no matter
where we end up, we still aregoing to be able to bring you
this kind of information yeah.
So we have one daughter who's 32this year She'll be 33.
She'll be 33?
.
Speaker 2 (05:36):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (05:38):
Okay, 33 this year, and we adopted two other Renee's
little sisters.
Speaker 2 (05:47):
Yeah.
And we'll go into that.
One day we'll do a video, justabout um, because everybody has
a backstory yes, and so ourbackstory is not beautiful it's
crazy, but we will definitelyshare that too.
So we gave birth to onebeautiful daughter and we
adopted my two little sisters,so we're the parents of three
children.
And yes, at 23 years old we hadthree children and my husband
(06:07):
was in the military and hetraveled a lot, and didn't make
no money and I spent some timeas a single mom.
so there's some things that wewill share and go more into that
, but we want to just kind oflet you guys know who we are and
just share this episode of ourlove story, our marriage story,
because marriage is somethingthat we believe in
(06:31):
wholeheartedly and we want tosupport the Institute of
Marriage.
We want to, we believe in itand we want to support it.
And so we're going to talkabout six secrets that we
believe have kept us fromgetting a divorce.
Speaker 1 (06:44):
That actually prevented it.
Speaker 2 (06:45):
Yeah, and I'll say, the one thing for me is One of
your things.
One of my things is for me.
I had really low self-esteem.
I did not like myself, I didnot think that I was smart, I
didn't think that I was valuable, and the thing for me that has
helped me has been Gil being oneof the first people to really
(07:10):
see me and believe in me, and sothat made me have a sense of
myself from someone else'sperspective.
So one of the secrets to um nothaving provenance from divorce
was finding someone who sees thevalue in you and makes an
investment in you, and so Iwould say for me that was one of
(07:32):
the big things was him seeingme in a way that I didn't see.
I got to see myself through hiseyes and it really helped me
begin to change the narrative inmy head that I had about myself
.
Speaker 1 (07:45):
And so the second one for me or the first one for me,
but the second one for thisvideo is, I say, loyalty.
Loyalty for me was very, veryimportant for who I was dating
or who I was in relationshipwith, even before Renee and I
got together.
That was just a characteristicor a trait that I thought was
(08:06):
very vital to any relationship,that you have to be loyal,
because I was not one thatactually dated a lot or went
around and dated a lot of girls.
That just wasn't my thingbecause one.
It'd drive you crazy trying tokeep all that stuff straight
about who said what or what yousaid to whom, and then you may
get caught and you may get introuble.
So I was like it's just easierto keep it simple and I've
(08:28):
always been a one girl kind ofguy, even from growing up.
So even from that, from thatperspective, loyalty being loyal
to the person I was going to bewith was something that I
thought was very, very important.
So that's one for me which isloyal.
Speaker 2 (08:42):
Yeah, and the thing for me was committed.
I am the kind of person I amtenacious.
If I make my mind up aboutsomething, it is very hard to
get me to change.
And so for me, I was committedto Gil.
I had a.
That was something I brought tothe relationship.
I think sometimes we need tounderstand these are the things
that we individually brought tothe marriage.
(09:04):
The marriage didn't give it,give us these things.
We brought these things.
So for me, I was always very,very committed and commitment
was very important to me.
So therefore, that's what Igave.
I didn't demand that he gave mecommitment.
I brought commitment to ourmarriage.
Speaker 1 (09:18):
You know, commitment is something that I thought was
very important, even as Reneesays it.
I'm going to piggyback a littlebit, not that she didn't
explain it because she did, butfrom my perspective, the reason
why that was so important.
Because if you are committed tothat one person, it makes life
so much easier.
And when they say people havecommitment issues, that's
(09:39):
something that you bring intothe relationship.
You should already know howdedicated or how committed
you're going to be, even beforeyou decided to establish a
long-term relationship.
Speaker 2 (09:48):
so that was something that was for me yeah, and for
me one of the things, anotherthing for me is transparent.
You know we will talk aboutbeing hot.
Wait, it's my turn.
Speaker 1 (09:58):
Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, yeah so we all we have
this acronym.
You see it on the shirt sayshot.
That was number number two forme, which was honesty.
Honesty was vital for mebecause for various obvious
reasons, because if those liesstart coming or you can't be
honest with yourself about whoyou are and what you want out of
the relationship, things of anyrelationship that you have to
(10:22):
have.
Because it kind of goes back tomy first one about being loyal.
If I can't be loyal to someone,which is just another form of
being dishonest or lack ofloyalty, is being dishonest to
this person that I've decided tocommit this, not only before I
(10:43):
even get to the marriage altar,just the relationship of saying
I'm going to invest my time,effort and energy into this
person.
That is something that is goingto be very, very instrumentally
important, vital.
I can't emphasize that enough.
Not only for us and maybe it'safter 35 years.
It's come to more clarity, butI didn't realize how important
(11:06):
that was all these years later.
Speaker 2 (11:08):
So and for you.
I think the reason why umhonesty is so important is
because what happened to you,because your dad, because when
you had you have a parent thatis not honest with you sometimes
the reason why things areimportant to us it's because of
things that happens, thathappened in our childhood and
because your dad wasn't honest.
I think that's why a lot ofthings that we prioritize now as
(11:30):
adults are a result of maybesomething we didn't get.
Speaker 1 (11:33):
You know he wasn't honest as far as lying all the
time.
Sometimes you can just bethrough omission that you just
are not being honest.
It's really just more aboutkeeping your word.
There were times where he wouldsay he would do something and
he didn't, which made me, whichis still another form of not
being honest to yourself and towho you make commitments to.
That was important to me, sothat is just another form of
(11:55):
being honesty.
Now you can talk about yourtransparency.
Speaker 2 (11:58):
Yeah, so being transparent, I am the kind of
person that when I walk into theroom, I walk into the room
totally naked.
I'm open, I share everything.
I don't mean physically naked,I mean as far as communication.
That's something I had to learnas I grew and matured was that
you can't walk into a roomsharing everything.
But that's one of the thingsthat I think that Gil loved
(12:19):
about me was that he didn't haveto wonder what I was thinking.
He didn't have to wonder how Ifelt about anything.
I made it clear, and sotransparency is a good thing as
you mature and grow into it andlearning the settings to be
transparent.
But that's one of the thingsabout me.
When people say I'm brutallyhonest, you don't have to be
(12:40):
brutally honest.
You just have to be honest tothe point where the other person
can understand what you'resaying and they feel loved and
appreciated as a result of youbeing transparent.
Speaker 1 (12:51):
And then my last one is I had to learn to love.
You know, we come into a lifewith our past experiences and
our past bad relationships orrelationships that didn't go
well.
I remember listening to a movieand they say things end badly.
They always end badly or theywouldn't end Well.
(13:13):
Learning to love was one of thecharacteristics that I had to
adopt, because I had alreadysome ideas about what I wanted
to see, and sometimes you mayhave to change your viewpoint or
your perspective, especiallywhen you're going into a
relationship with another person, to say I have to change a
little bit.
So I had to learn to speak Renee.
I paused there for a secondbecause I'm not bilingual, but I
(13:37):
had to learn to speak herlanguage, because sometimes
things are said that she has onemeeting, I have one meeting and
we need to make sure we'reunderstanding the same
definition of what is going onor what is being said.
So I had to learn and one ofthe one, one key attribute that
you can really adopt is what doyou mean by that?
(13:57):
Before you jump to conclusions,before you make assumptions,
something as simple as what doyou mean by that when you say so
that is something that I had todo, which is what I mean by I
had to learn to love and learnto speak, renee yeah, and one of
the bonus things I'm going togive that's important is having
(14:17):
a love for change.
Speaker 2 (14:20):
change is something that everyone has to be willing
to bring to their marriagerelationship, because without
the willingness to change, orwithout the willingness to feel
the need to change, you give theimpression, or you send the
message, that you have it allfigured out and you're perfect.
And so these are just sixthings well, seven that really
(14:41):
help you to be prepared to gointo any relationship, whether
it's a work or a marriagerelationship, with some
longevity.
Speaker 1 (14:49):
Because that's going to actually prevent the divorce
from happening.
Because if you just practicesome of these things that we
share with you, it's going tochange your perspective.
It's going to give youdifferent ways of seeing things.
We always tell our couples thatwe work with there are no such
things as marriage problems.
There's individual problemsthat you bring into the marriage
.
So if you work on these sixthings, hopefully you get
(15:10):
something out of it that willactually help you in your
relationship, whether you'remarried, dating, single, looking
Think about these things andstart assimilating them into
your life now, because that'sgoing to help you later.
Speaker 2 (15:24):
So you need to be loyal, you need to bring
commitment, you need to be bringhonesty transparency, learn to
love and be willing to change,because we don't have it all
figured out and everyone needsto grow and change.
Speaker 1 (15:36):
So hopefully you got something out of this.
We'll be sharing with you morelittle snippets like this, but
also some of the shorts.
Check us out onrichrelationshipforrefugecom
Website has everything and we'llsee you in the next episode.
Speaker 2 (15:48):
Love you guys, bye.
As women, we're so used tosharing with our sisters and our
(16:26):
girlfriends that we don't learnhow to share our feelings with
our husbands.
And so if you're in arelationship and you're
developing that relationship,you have to learn how.
So, if you're in a relationshipand you're developing that
relationship, you have to learnhow to share your feelings in a
way where the other person canunderstand it, and that's
something the Lord showed me.
How do you expect for him toknow how to deal with your
feelings if you never share them?
So a part of that being honestis that safety feeling safe
(16:49):
comes from practicing.
You're not going to just feelsafe because you're thinking,
and you're going to feel safewhen you take that first step
and try, and they might not getit right the first time or the
second time, but a part ofbuilding a relationship is to
learn how to practice being openand sharing your feelings.
Speaker 1 (17:06):
And that's what leads us into the transparency.
When you have that internalability to interpret and really
feel what your spouse or yoursignificant other is feeling,
that's because they're beingtransparent.
You can almost feel and seeokay, something is not quite
right.
The only way you can come upwith those types of things is
because they're beingtransparent, where you can
(17:27):
actually figure out or youshouldn't have to figure out,
but you can actually perceivehow they are feeling and what
they're thinking.
Speaker 2 (17:34):
sometimes and the thing I love about this is the
honest and the open are aboutyou and yourself, and the
transparent is about you and thepeople around you.
You have to be able to say I'mgoing to be vulnerable, this is
an area that I'm growing in andI'm struggling.
Could you please help me?
Please help keep me accountable.
So the transparent part of itis you sharing with the people
(17:55):
around you what's going on inyou, because that's how you're
going to grow.
So you need God, you need youand God, you need to really
understand you.
And then that's when you gointo the part of it where you're
letting other people in andyou're growing from the things
that you share, because thegreatest way to grow is in
relationships.
You're not going to grow on theisland of autonomy, because you
(18:16):
got yourself there and so youhave to allow yourself to get to
a healthy place where otherpeople are part of your
relationships.
Speaker 1 (18:23):
And so, to wrap those things up, the part about
learning to go deeper withinyourself, that's what these time
of reflection questions isreally all about.
We share with you about thelust and the love and being hot,
but then you can take thisinformation that we share with
you and use the questions thatare in the book to actually go
deeper with yourself.
Speaker 2 (18:43):
And the thing that I love about the time of you
writing is because you need towrite down your own thoughts and
how you feel right now and thisyear and this time, a year from
now, you'll be able to gaugeyour growth, and so journaling
is such an important part ofreally developing a good,
healthy mental perspective andit's a good habit and so, to
(19:08):
really preserve your own mentalhealth and preserve your own
growth, write things down so youcan get a better understanding
of who you are and who you'renot.
Speaker 1 (19:17):
And so, to summarize everything that we talked about
in this brief lesson, we talkedabout the imposter of lust, we
talked about some of the thingsthat you can identify as when
you're falling into lust, but wealso talked about what does
love look?
Speaker 2 (19:30):
like.
And we talked about love grows,because love and lust are not
the same.
Love grows and it flourishes,and it takes time and it takes
commitment.
And we talked about hot.
Are you hot?
Because that's the goal is tobe hot and to build our lives to
one love.
Speaker 1 (19:49):
So we hope you got something out of this lesson.
We hope that you take the timeto do those reflection questions
, review this lesson over againand just really dive into it
because, like Renee said, you'regonna get out of it what you
actually put into it.
Thank you for listening.
Thank you for your investmentin time.
Remember to subscribe to theshow and hit the notification
icon to be notified when newepisodes are posted on the
(20:12):
podcast platform that you'relistening from.
Speaker 2 (20:14):
Or you can always find us on our website at
richrelationshipsuscom, or ourYouTube channel, rich
Relationships with Gil Renee.
If you found this podcasthelpful or you think it could
help someone that you know andcare about, please pass it along
and share it with them.
Welcome to the Rich Relationship Podcast with Gil
and Renee, where amazing thingshappen.
Speaker 2 (00:32):
Our goal is to help build, repair and restore
healthy relationships.
Hey everyone, I'm Renee.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
And I'm Gil from the Rich Relationship Refuge.
Speaker 2 (00:45):
And we started each day off with a kiss, so we
figured we'd start off eachepisode with a kiss.
In this episode we're going totalk about our marriage story
and six secrets that preventdivorce, so hope you're ready,
babe.
You know how we like to watchall those relationship shows.
Speaker 1 (01:04):
Yes, yes, yes, love.
And what is it?
Speaker 2 (01:08):
It doesn't matter what the names are, but we like
to watch relationship shows andas a result of watching those
shows we have kind of reverseengineered some of the things
that we realize can be secretsto prevent divorce, and so but
before we share with you thesecrets that we kind of they're
really not secrets, it's justthings that we, I think we
learned and we learn, we knowand we grow from.
Speaker 1 (01:30):
But we want to share with you a little bit of
backstory about us, becausemaybe you've seen some of the
videos already and you just seewho are these people talking to
me about relationships andmarriage and all that?
Well, a lot of times you wantto know how credible is the
people or what makes them theseexperts.
You should want to know.
Speaker 2 (01:48):
We don't consider ourselves as experts.
Speaker 1 (01:50):
We just have a lot of experience in doing something
and that's what we've beensharing with people for over 17
years now and work with couplesfrom eight different states and
overseas and all that.
But we just wanted to sharethis information with you now
through this medium, so you canget an idea of who you're
talking to or who we are talkingto, so you know a little bit
(02:10):
about us in the background.
Speaker 2 (02:11):
So we're both from Detroit, Michigan.
We got married when we were 21years old.
Speaker 1 (02:17):
And people thought we were crazy.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
Yeah, and everyone kept saying it wouldn't last.
Well, the people who said itwouldn't last, you were wrong 35
years later.
December will be 35 years, andso I think a part of it is
understanding that so many timesin the relationship space there
are people addressing singlewomen and people addressing
single men, but as a couplewe're addressing it from.
Speaker 1 (02:39):
We're addressing marriage from a female and a
male's perspective with, alsowith the biblical background,
because that is the foundationfor what we have built our
marriage and our relationshipand our life upon.
Speaker 2 (02:50):
Yeah, and a part of it is understanding that we do
believe that the Bible is thefinal authority, but there's
ways.
You have to learn how to applyit, and so we are certified
through preparing the rich.
We do have those credentials.
So we're not just doing thisbased on our experience and our
opinion, we're doing it based onthe Bible 34 years of marriage
and tons and tons of trainingthrough preparing the rich.
Speaker 1 (03:11):
And other courses that we've taken.
Speaker 2 (03:12):
Other courses we've taken, so this is not our
opinion.
We're never going to tell you.
If I were you, you should dothis, because it's really not
about if you were me.
It's about you being you andlearning how to make your
relationship work for the two ofyou.
Speaker 1 (03:24):
You know, because it's very important that you
know not only the backstory ofthe people who are you're
listening to whether it'sthrough these videos or through
our podcast but also to get anidea of who we are as people.
Because, renee, I'll be thefirst to tell you I was like
we'll just stay on podcast videoand all that.
I get it.
I do it.
I love being behind the camera,but I believe in this so much
(03:47):
that I really said you know whatI'm willing to say.
I'll get in front of the cameraso people can connect with when
they hear the voice, with theperson, because we know that's
just as important when you'relistening to things, and we
always say it in the show.
Thank you for your investmentin time, because we believe
that's what this is, you know.
Speaker 2 (04:04):
And I really want to commend you because I know that
our personalities are different.
I am an extrovert and Gil is anintrovert, and so in most of
these relationships you see oneperson who's primarily in front
of the camera, but we're bothcommitting to going outside of
our comfort level and ourpersonalities to help the next
generation of people who looklike us, and even people who
(04:26):
don't look like us, because somany times we don't have
examples, we don't have training, we don't have people we can go
to that are healthy.
So not that we're perfect, notthat we have everything all
figured out, but we're justwilling to put ourself out there
in a way that you have someoneyou can physically connect with
and walk alongside you in thisrelationship, marriage and even
(04:48):
if you're dating, um, it'simportant that you get these
tools before you get into amarriage relationship so, as you
, we started out the videotalking a little bit about the
backstory.
Speaker 1 (04:57):
You know we've been married 35 years, since December
34 years, 35 in December uh,but we, before we actually got
to those years, we actually hada long road to get there, just
from being together as a couple.
We started out in Detroit.
We're a retired military familyfrom the Air Force we actually
have lived in.
I think this was move number 13and may not be done yet, but
(05:19):
we'll see where it goes.
It may not be done yet, butwe'll see where it goes.
But that's the lovely thingabout this now is no matter
where we end up, we still aregoing to be able to bring you
this kind of information yeah.
So we have one daughter who's 32this year She'll be 33.
She'll be 33?
.
Speaker 2 (05:36):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (05:38):
Okay, 33 this year, and we adopted two other Renee's
little sisters.
Speaker 2 (05:47):
Yeah.
And we'll go into that.
One day we'll do a video, justabout um, because everybody has
a backstory yes, and so ourbackstory is not beautiful it's
crazy, but we will definitelyshare that too.
So we gave birth to onebeautiful daughter and we
adopted my two little sisters,so we're the parents of three
children.
And yes, at 23 years old we hadthree children and my husband
(06:07):
was in the military and hetraveled a lot, and didn't make
no money and I spent some timeas a single mom.
so there's some things that wewill share and go more into that
, but we want to just kind oflet you guys know who we are and
just share this episode of ourlove story, our marriage story,
because marriage is somethingthat we believe in
(06:31):
wholeheartedly and we want tosupport the Institute of
Marriage.
We want to, we believe in itand we want to support it.
And so we're going to talkabout six secrets that we
believe have kept us fromgetting a divorce.
Speaker 1 (06:44):
That actually prevented it.
Speaker 2 (06:45):
Yeah, and I'll say, the one thing for me is One of
your things.
One of my things is for me.
I had really low self-esteem.
I did not like myself, I didnot think that I was smart, I
didn't think that I was valuable, and the thing for me that has
helped me has been Gil being oneof the first people to really
(07:10):
see me and believe in me, and sothat made me have a sense of
myself from someone else'sperspective.
So one of the secrets to um nothaving provenance from divorce
was finding someone who sees thevalue in you and makes an
investment in you, and so Iwould say for me that was one of
(07:32):
the big things was him seeingme in a way that I didn't see.
I got to see myself through hiseyes and it really helped me
begin to change the narrative inmy head that I had about myself
.
Speaker 1 (07:45):
And so the second one for me or the first one for me,
but the second one for thisvideo is, I say, loyalty.
Loyalty for me was very, veryimportant for who I was dating
or who I was in relationshipwith, even before Renee and I
got together.
That was just a characteristicor a trait that I thought was
(08:06):
very vital to any relationship,that you have to be loyal,
because I was not one thatactually dated a lot or went
around and dated a lot of girls.
That just wasn't my thingbecause one.
It'd drive you crazy trying tokeep all that stuff straight
about who said what or what yousaid to whom, and then you may
get caught and you may get introuble.
So I was like it's just easierto keep it simple and I've
(08:28):
always been a one girl kind ofguy, even from growing up.
So even from that, from thatperspective, loyalty being loyal
to the person I was going to bewith was something that I
thought was very, very important.
So that's one for me which isloyal.
Speaker 2 (08:42):
Yeah, and the thing for me was committed.
I am the kind of person I amtenacious.
If I make my mind up aboutsomething, it is very hard to
get me to change.
And so for me, I was committedto Gil.
I had a.
That was something I brought tothe relationship.
I think sometimes we need tounderstand these are the things
that we individually brought tothe marriage.
(09:04):
The marriage didn't give it,give us these things.
We brought these things.
So for me, I was always very,very committed and commitment
was very important to me.
So therefore, that's what Igave.
I didn't demand that he gave mecommitment.
I brought commitment to ourmarriage.
Speaker 1 (09:18):
You know, commitment is something that I thought was
very important, even as Reneesays it.
I'm going to piggyback a littlebit, not that she didn't
explain it because she did, butfrom my perspective, the reason
why that was so important.
Because if you are committed tothat one person, it makes life
so much easier.
And when they say people havecommitment issues, that's
(09:39):
something that you bring intothe relationship.
You should already know howdedicated or how committed
you're going to be, even beforeyou decided to establish a
long-term relationship.
Speaker 2 (09:48):
so that was something that was for me yeah, and for
me one of the things, anotherthing for me is transparent.
You know we will talk aboutbeing hot.
Wait, it's my turn.
Speaker 1 (09:58):
Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, yeah so we all we have
this acronym.
You see it on the shirt sayshot.
That was number number two forme, which was honesty.
Honesty was vital for mebecause for various obvious
reasons, because if those liesstart coming or you can't be
honest with yourself about whoyou are and what you want out of
the relationship, things of anyrelationship that you have to
(10:22):
have.
Because it kind of goes back tomy first one about being loyal.
If I can't be loyal to someone,which is just another form of
being dishonest or lack ofloyalty, is being dishonest to
this person that I've decided tocommit this, not only before I
(10:43):
even get to the marriage altar,just the relationship of saying
I'm going to invest my time,effort and energy into this
person.
That is something that is goingto be very, very instrumentally
important, vital.
I can't emphasize that enough.
Not only for us and maybe it'safter 35 years.
It's come to more clarity, butI didn't realize how important
(11:06):
that was all these years later.
Speaker 2 (11:08):
So and for you.
I think the reason why umhonesty is so important is
because what happened to you,because your dad, because when
you had you have a parent thatis not honest with you sometimes
the reason why things areimportant to us it's because of
things that happens, thathappened in our childhood and
because your dad wasn't honest.
I think that's why a lot ofthings that we prioritize now as
(11:30):
adults are a result of maybesomething we didn't get.
Speaker 1 (11:33):
You know he wasn't honest as far as lying all the
time.
Sometimes you can just bethrough omission that you just
are not being honest.
It's really just more aboutkeeping your word.
There were times where he wouldsay he would do something and
he didn't, which made me, whichis still another form of not
being honest to yourself and towho you make commitments to.
That was important to me, sothat is just another form of
(11:55):
being honesty.
Now you can talk about yourtransparency.
Speaker 2 (11:58):
Yeah, so being transparent, I am the kind of
person that when I walk into theroom, I walk into the room
totally naked.
I'm open, I share everything.
I don't mean physically naked,I mean as far as communication.
That's something I had to learnas I grew and matured was that
you can't walk into a roomsharing everything.
But that's one of the thingsthat I think that Gil loved
(12:19):
about me was that he didn't haveto wonder what I was thinking.
He didn't have to wonder how Ifelt about anything.
I made it clear, and sotransparency is a good thing as
you mature and grow into it andlearning the settings to be
transparent.
But that's one of the thingsabout me.
When people say I'm brutallyhonest, you don't have to be
(12:40):
brutally honest.
You just have to be honest tothe point where the other person
can understand what you'resaying and they feel loved and
appreciated as a result of youbeing transparent.
Speaker 1 (12:51):
And then my last one is I had to learn to love.
You know, we come into a lifewith our past experiences and
our past bad relationships orrelationships that didn't go
well.
I remember listening to a movieand they say things end badly.
They always end badly or theywouldn't end Well.
(13:13):
Learning to love was one of thecharacteristics that I had to
adopt, because I had alreadysome ideas about what I wanted
to see, and sometimes you mayhave to change your viewpoint or
your perspective, especiallywhen you're going into a
relationship with another person, to say I have to change a
little bit.
So I had to learn to speak Renee.
I paused there for a secondbecause I'm not bilingual, but I
(13:37):
had to learn to speak herlanguage, because sometimes
things are said that she has onemeeting, I have one meeting and
we need to make sure we'reunderstanding the same
definition of what is going onor what is being said.
So I had to learn and one ofthe one, one key attribute that
you can really adopt is what doyou mean by that?
(13:57):
Before you jump to conclusions,before you make assumptions,
something as simple as what doyou mean by that when you say so
that is something that I had todo, which is what I mean by I
had to learn to love and learnto speak, renee yeah, and one of
the bonus things I'm going togive that's important is having
(14:17):
a love for change.
Speaker 2 (14:20):
change is something that everyone has to be willing
to bring to their marriagerelationship, because without
the willingness to change, orwithout the willingness to feel
the need to change, you give theimpression, or you send the
message, that you have it allfigured out and you're perfect.
And so these are just sixthings well, seven that really
(14:41):
help you to be prepared to gointo any relationship, whether
it's a work or a marriagerelationship, with some
longevity.
Speaker 1 (14:49):
Because that's going to actually prevent the divorce
from happening.
Because if you just practicesome of these things that we
share with you, it's going tochange your perspective.
It's going to give youdifferent ways of seeing things.
We always tell our couples thatwe work with there are no such
things as marriage problems.
There's individual problemsthat you bring into the marriage
.
So if you work on these sixthings, hopefully you get
(15:10):
something out of it that willactually help you in your
relationship, whether you'remarried, dating, single, looking
Think about these things andstart assimilating them into
your life now, because that'sgoing to help you later.
Speaker 2 (15:24):
So you need to be loyal, you need to bring
commitment, you need to be bringhonesty transparency, learn to
love and be willing to change,because we don't have it all
figured out and everyone needsto grow and change.
Speaker 1 (15:36):
So hopefully you got something out of this.
We'll be sharing with you morelittle snippets like this, but
also some of the shorts.
Check us out onrichrelationshipforrefugecom
Website has everything and we'llsee you in the next episode.
Speaker 2 (15:48):
Love you guys, bye.
As women, we're so used tosharing with our sisters and our
(16:26):
girlfriends that we don't learnhow to share our feelings with
our husbands.
And so if you're in arelationship and you're
developing that relationship,you have to learn how.
So, if you're in a relationshipand you're developing that
relationship, you have to learnhow to share your feelings in a
way where the other person canunderstand it, and that's
something the Lord showed me.
How do you expect for him toknow how to deal with your
feelings if you never share them?
So a part of that being honestis that safety feeling safe
(16:49):
comes from practicing.
You're not going to just feelsafe because you're thinking,
and you're going to feel safewhen you take that first step
and try, and they might not getit right the first time or the
second time, but a part ofbuilding a relationship is to
learn how to practice being openand sharing your feelings.
Speaker 1 (17:06):
And that's what leads us into the transparency.
When you have that internalability to interpret and really
feel what your spouse or yoursignificant other is feeling,
that's because they're beingtransparent.
You can almost feel and seeokay, something is not quite
right.
The only way you can come upwith those types of things is
because they're beingtransparent, where you can
(17:27):
actually figure out or youshouldn't have to figure out,
but you can actually perceivehow they are feeling and what
they're thinking.
Speaker 2 (17:34):
sometimes and the thing I love about this is the
honest and the open are aboutyou and yourself, and the
transparent is about you and thepeople around you.
You have to be able to say I'mgoing to be vulnerable, this is
an area that I'm growing in andI'm struggling.
Could you please help me?
Please help keep me accountable.
So the transparent part of itis you sharing with the people
(17:55):
around you what's going on inyou, because that's how you're
going to grow.
So you need God, you need youand God, you need to really
understand you.
And then that's when you gointo the part of it where you're
letting other people in andyou're growing from the things
that you share, because thegreatest way to grow is in
relationships.
You're not going to grow on theisland of autonomy, because you
(18:16):
got yourself there and so youhave to allow yourself to get to
a healthy place where otherpeople are part of your
relationships.
Speaker 1 (18:23):
And so, to wrap those things up, the part about
learning to go deeper withinyourself, that's what these time
of reflection questions isreally all about.
We share with you about thelust and the love and being hot,
but then you can take thisinformation that we share with
you and use the questions thatare in the book to actually go
deeper with yourself.
Speaker 2 (18:43):
And the thing that I love about the time of you
writing is because you need towrite down your own thoughts and
how you feel right now and thisyear and this time, a year from
now, you'll be able to gaugeyour growth, and so journaling
is such an important part ofreally developing a good,
healthy mental perspective andit's a good habit and so, to
(19:08):
really preserve your own mentalhealth and preserve your own
growth, write things down so youcan get a better understanding
of who you are and who you'renot.
Speaker 1 (19:17):
And so, to summarize everything that we talked about
in this brief lesson, we talkedabout the imposter of lust, we
talked about some of the thingsthat you can identify as when
you're falling into lust, but wealso talked about what does
love look?
Speaker 2 (19:30):
like.
And we talked about love grows,because love and lust are not
the same.
Love grows and it flourishes,and it takes time and it takes
commitment.
And we talked about hot.
Are you hot?
Because that's the goal is tobe hot and to build our lives to
one love.
Speaker 1 (19:49):
So we hope you got something out of this lesson.
We hope that you take the timeto do those reflection questions
, review this lesson over againand just really dive into it
because, like Renee said, you'regonna get out of it what you
actually put into it.
Thank you for listening.
Thank you for your investmentin time.
Remember to subscribe to theshow and hit the notification
icon to be notified when newepisodes are posted on the
(20:12):
podcast platform that you'relistening from.
Speaker 2 (20:14):
Or you can always find us on our website at
richrelationshipsuscom, or ourYouTube channel, rich
Relationships with Gil Renee.
If you found this podcasthelpful or you think it could
help someone that you know andcare about, please pass it along
and share it with them.
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