April 29, 2024 • 33 mins
Saying goodbye to a cherished friend left us reflecting on the integral roles that personality and temperament serve in the connections we make. This week, we peel back the layers of these complex traits, illustrating how they shape and influence our relationships through vivid personal accounts. As we contrast my vibrant extroversion with Gil's thoughtful introversion, we journey into the heart of what makes us click or clash with others—shedding light on the vibrant outfits of our personalities and the DNA-like permanence of our temperaments.
Embark on a voyage through the seas of charisma and calmness, and uncover how these inviting shores can unexpectedly morph into frustrating terrain. We share tales from the trenches—like Gil's unshakable peace amidst the storm of my labor—to unveil the significance of cultivating our temperaments. Take away actionable advice for enhancing communication and resolving disputes, as we emphasize the art of active listening and the power of presenting measured thoughts over untamed emotions.
As we wrap up our heartfelt discourse, we underscore the mirror-like nature of our reactions to the people in our lives. Offering sage advice on maintaining composure in the face of public challenges, especially when your partner is by your side, we celebrate the strength found in self-awareness and the pursuit of self-improvement. Join in the conversation, share your experiences, and continue the journey towards resilient relationships on our website and YouTube channel.
RICH RELATIONSHIPS REFUGE
Meet: Gil & Renée
Rich Relationships Refuge podcast with Gilbert J and Renée M. Beavers is fantastic because it's the best place to explore the reality of relationships — the good, the bad, and the painful and confusing. This podcast helps to illuminate what it means to be intimate with others and what it teaches people about them. It will make you want to strive for a kinder, more fun relationship with others., This a place where love flourishes, bonds deepen, and relationships thrive. We're Gil and Renee, authors, and marriage coaches, and we're honored to walk alongside you on your journey towards a rich and fulfilling partnership.
In a world where relationships can feel like a maze, we believe in providing you with the compass and map to navigate the path of love with confidence and grace. Whether you're single and seeking, newly dating, or preparing for marriage, our app is your sanctuary—a refuge where you can find guidance, support, and inspiration every step of the way.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Welcome to the Rich Relationship Podcast with Gil
and Renee, where amazing thingshappen.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Our goal is to help build, repair and restore
healthy relationships.
We had to say goodbye, see youin eternity, to a friend of ours
, so if we seem a little out ofsorts, it's kind of hard to go
from that to this and not feelsomething.
So we just want to tell youguys that tonight our episode is
(00:34):
about the difference betweenpersonality and temperament, and
a lot of times we think thatthey're the same.
So I'm going to share a littlestory.
So we always talk about it.
I'm an extrovert, gil is anintrovert.
Speaker 1 (00:47):
Before you get started, if you don't know who
we are we appreciate you comingand joining us.
Speaker 2 (00:52):
Thanks for joining us .
Speaker 1 (00:53):
I'm Gil and I'm Renee From the Rich Relationship
Refuge.
Yes, we got to get a kiss.
A little bit out of sorts.
Now you can go ahead.
Speaker 2 (01:04):
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
So see, we all like routines,especially when there are things
that feed our soul, and so alot of times you know you hear
all these.
Okay, so I'm an extrovert andGil is an introvert.
We always talk about like thebelly button is either an outie
or an innie, and so eitheryou're an outie or an innie, and
so either you're an outie or aninnie, and a lot of times when
(01:27):
I was younger, people would say,oh, you remind me of so-and-so,
you act just like so-and-so.
Oh, you remind me of so-and-so,you act like so-and-so.
So I'm sure you have been toldthat you remind someone of
someone else, and that's becausethey probably share the same
personality.
(01:48):
But over the years of workingwith couples and being married
to the same person, I realizedthat there's reasons why certain
relationships do better thanothers, and I think that the
missing link we always talkabout, as far as getting to the
root, I think that the rootcause of why some relationships
(02:08):
don't work well is because ofyour temperaments being
different.
And so what's the differencebetween personality and
temperament?
If I had to say it, to make itreal easy, your personality is
like this outfit it's mypersonality, it shows my
personality and you see, gil'spersonality.
He's a lot calmer.
(02:29):
He can have the same colors.
However, it's not yourpersonality.
It may be what's on the outside, but your temperament is what's
on the inside.
So we can both have differentpersonalities, but our
temperament could be different,and so we're going to talk a
little bit more about that.
If you have questions aboutpersonality and temperament, if
(02:50):
you have relationship questions,please put them in the chat.
So, babe, what do you thinkabout all this?
Speaker 1 (02:55):
I was thinking when you think about how does all
this play into relationships,relationships?
That's what we are reallytalking about, because if you
have a different temperament,obviously you're going to have a
different personality, morethan likely, from your
significant other, but if youhave a different temperament,
(03:17):
that can be sometimes an issuewhen it comes to.
Speaker 2 (03:20):
You got a piece of hair.
Speaker 1 (03:21):
It's OK.
It can be an issue when itcomes to the relationship if
your temperaments are different.
Speaker 2 (03:30):
You think so, yeah, or you think it can be an issue
if they're too much alike no.
Speaker 1 (03:38):
Go ahead and elaborate on what you were just
describing, because one of thethings I can say.
Speaker 2 (03:42):
Like you know, our personalities are totally
different.
However, the thing I realized isthat, while our personalities
are different which yourpersonality is shaped by the
things you go through, thethings you experience whereas
your temperament is more yourDNA.
It's the way you were born, it'sthe way you were wired.
So there are some things thatare hardwired into your
temperament is more your DNA.
(04:02):
It's the way you were born,it's the way you were wired.
So there are some things thatare hardwired into your
temperament.
Like, if you're the kind ofperson that you are easygoing,
more than likely you're going toremain easygoing.
If you're some person that is ahothead and everything sets you
off, more than likely that isnot something that's going to
change because that's the waythat's hardwired into your DNA,
(04:25):
and so I do believe that theword of God has a way of helping
us overcome all that, but Ithink that you can't ignore that
there are certain things aboutthe way people are that's kind
of hardwired Absolutely, and sowhat would you say has been your
experience when you think aboutthe things we've seen in
couples?
What have you seen to be like arecipe for disaster?
Speaker 1 (04:45):
If your temperaments are definitely different, it's
going to cause a issue.
You know, you have to be likeminded.
If you are like minded, whatwe're talking about is, for
example, when we first starteddating.
For example, when we firststarted dating, if we, if Renee,
was very vocal and say weargued about little things, or
(05:08):
when you're having adisagreement and she gets loud
or he gets loud, if yourtemperament is one that your
environment or that you're, youdon't respond well to that type
of behavior, it's going to causean issue.
If you don't address it Right,you're going to have to change
when it comes to how youinteract with each other.
Speaker 2 (05:32):
And a lot of it is driven by your temperament, and
the thing that I thought thatwas so amazing was because I was
talking to another couple andthey're talking about you know,
it's a blessing when you get tospend your life with your best
friend.
That is a gift and I'm gratefulfor that.
But I also realized that thereare some things that I had to
learn, because for me, like Isaid, I grew up in a house where
everybody screamed and holleredand yelled and cussed and even
though that's what I grew uparound, I didn't like it.
(05:53):
I didn't like the way it mademe feel, I didn't even like to
do it, and so when the firsttime I did it to Gil, he was
like really, no you are sobeautiful to talk like that.
Do not use words like that.
It so sidebar.
So when I see women using thatlanguage, it makes me sad
(06:14):
because I think that that takesaway from the beauty and
elegance of being a lady.
When we use language or webehave in ways that are not
appropriate for a lady, I thinkthat's something.
So I'm just as an older woman.
I'm speaking to the nextgeneration Ladies don't talk
(06:35):
like a sailor.
You know what I mean.
Don't use words that should bein the toilet.
Don't let that come out of yourmouth.
The Bible says let no corruptcommunication come out of your
mouth.
So we need to be mindful of that, that it may be trending to use
vulgar language, but it's not20 years from now.
When you see that, are yougoing to be OK with it?
Yeah, so that's something Ijust want to sidebar.
(06:55):
I just want to go a little offrails for that.
So anybody have questions?
Is there anything that, when youthink about temperament, has
that been something that youhave noticed has been a problem
in your relationships in thepast or in the present?
If you're watching now orwatching later on, put it in the
chat if it has been an issue,because I think sometimes we
don't realize oh man, so that'swhat it was our temperaments
(07:19):
Like.
If you get two people who arehotheaded more than likely, if
you get two people who arehotheaded more than likely, if
you get two people who arehotheaded, then it's going to be
a problem.
If you get two people who arequiet, that's going to be a
problem.
You know you need to make surethat somebody brings something
different to the table, and it'snot.
You know people say oppositesattract, but also opposites can
also attack, and so what we wantto do is just kind of make it
(07:41):
easy for you to kind of pointout some of the things in
yourself that could beproblematic in you being in a
relationship.
As far as your temperamentversus your personality, how
many personalities do you thinkthere are?
Speaker 1 (07:56):
I have no idea, yeah.
Speaker 2 (07:57):
And you know what's so funny.
Honestly, we talk about it.
You have introverts andextroverts, you have talkers and
listeners, you have buyers andsavers.
So I think, when you reallythink about it, personalities
can be there could be a billionpersonalities, but just our core
of who we are as humans, it'snot like it's 50 of them.
(08:19):
There may be in the combinationof it, but it's just
understanding that while we areunique, most of our situations
are not.
And if we would learn todevelop some ways to kind of
navigate ourself and understand.
Oh well, I know, for me I willyell and scream.
If I was with somebody else whoyelled and screamed, I probably
would yell, still yell andscream.
But because I married someonewho was really calm and
(08:42):
easygoing, it taught me to tapinto that.
Because my grandmother was likewhen you were little, you never
liked a whole bunch of peoplein crowds, so he helped me to
tap into the way I was reallyalready wired.
That's why it feels natural forme Sure what you thinking?
Speaker 1 (08:58):
It's just been one of those days, you know, and that
has a little bit to go with yourtemperament.
If you've had a stressful day,you're going to be out of sorts,
and it's important for you tobe able to communicate that to
your significant other because,if not, it's going to impact in
your relationship.
Speaker 2 (09:18):
Yeah, and it's easy to take Like for me.
I am a upbeat personality,that's the way I'm normally.
I talked about this.
I did a short the other day andI was talking about even when
you have an extroverted, bubbly,charismatic personality, you
still have struggles withdepression and anxiety, and it's
(09:38):
just knowing that how itmanifests in you.
So I want to ask you the samequestion I asked the other day
how does depression, anger andanxiety show up in you?
I know, for me it causes meinsomnia.
I can be up for days and daysand days.
For me, I have to create, Ihave to build, I have to do
something with it, whereas forGil, how does it show up in you,
(10:01):
babe?
Speaker 1 (10:01):
What's that?
Speaker 2 (10:02):
Anger and depression.
Speaker 1 (10:04):
It caused me to go inward.
You think about most people whoare, let's just say,
introverted by nature.
If you feel like you're alittle bit out of sorts or you
feel like you're in as theywould say, in your feelings
you're more than likely going todraw in, you're going to get
isolated, you're going to wantto separate yourself away from
(10:25):
not anybody who's bugging you,but just because you just feel
better, more comfortable byyourself.
So sometimes you have to takethose times to where you get
away, even if it's just being ina separate room or doing things
on your own.
It could be something as simpleas just watching television,
flipping channels or whatever onyour phone, and you just want
(10:45):
to be by yourself.
It doesn't mean you're mad atanyone or you are in a funk or
anything like that.
Sometimes you just draw inward,so that's what.
Speaker 2 (10:55):
I would say and one of the things how we navigate
that because we are differentpersonalities, we deal with
things differently.
I had to learn for me I waswhat's wrong, what's wrong,
what's wrong, what's wrong.
I had to first of all, learn tostop saying what's wrong,
because when you start off withwhat's wrong, you make it seem
like it's something negative.
So my way that I address it nowis hey babe, what's going on?
(11:15):
What you thinking about?
What on what you're thinkingabout, what's going on in your
mind?
So just a matter of changingwhat you say when you're trying
to get to let the other personknow you care can make a major
difference.
Speaker 1 (11:34):
Another thing I had to learn how to do is just give
them time.
I think you have to be mindfulof your significant other or
your partner.
If you're in a way, let's justcall it.
You're not mad at me, in a mood, in a mood yeah, that's
probably a better way of sayingit.
Don't take it personal.
Don't think it's something thatyou did do or you didn't do.
Sometimes it's just that theother person just may be going
through a moment.
Speaker 2 (11:54):
But I think it's important that you ask.
Speaker 1 (11:56):
But you have to communicate Because you don't
want to communicate.
Speaker 2 (11:58):
You want to communicate.
You don't want to assume that,oh, he's quiet, I'm going to
leave him alone.
It's just always being open tocommunicate with one another and
be there for each other.
It's like, hey, you seem alittle bit out of sorts.
Is everything okay?
Checking in on each other, youknow?
I think that's important.
I think, even when you've beentogether for a long time, even
though you may think you know,there's nothing wrong with
(12:20):
saying, hey, are you okay?
What's going on?
What's going on in your heart,what's going on in your mind?
And that's where thetemperaments and personalities
come in to play a role in theway things manifest in your life
.
And I think that when youunderstand the way you are, it
helps you to have more grace andempathy and compassion for
another person, because, again,you and I are like night and day
(12:43):
.
Our personalities are thatdifferent, kind of like the
black shirt in the daytime.
Speaker 1 (12:49):
That's just the way it goes.
Speaker 2 (12:54):
So we have people here, you guys.
Let us know where you guys arecoming in from.
Let us know how we can serveyou.
If you have questions, thingsyou want to know, please, please
, please in the chat, put yourquestions in there.
Um, have you had troublesdistinguishing the difference
between personality andtemperament and did you even
know?
Because most people think thatthey're the same but they're not
(13:16):
?
Um, have you in your own lifehad struggles with that, and how
can we serve you in this areaas far as really navigating,
understanding your ownpersonality, temperament and how
to do it in a relationship?
Speaker 1 (13:27):
Dallas in the house.
Hey, dallas, not that that'syour name.
We just acknowledge him whereyou're coming from.
Thanks we appreciate you sayingwe're a beautiful couple, but
we just want to share intorelationships.
That's why we come on hereevery.
Speaker 2 (13:40):
Saturday night at 8 pm.
Tonight's topic is thedifference between personality
and temperament.
Do you know the difference andhas your temperament or
personality caused you problemsin relationships?
Speaker 1 (13:54):
And I think sometimes , if you think about the
temperament and the personality,we're more driven and being
drawn to someone's personality.
You know they may be verycharismatic, they may draw you
in and they may be very mindfuland thoughtful and those are all
characteristics, but it couldalso be a little bit of their
temperament.
You know, if a person is anextroverted person, that's
(14:17):
temperament.
But if they're outgoing andjovial and all those things that
that kind of attract you fromtheir personality, that is what
draws you in.
But over time it's going totake a little bit of time for
you to see a person'stemperament yeah, and, and I
think it, when you know, you seesomeone's temperament.
Speaker 2 (14:34):
You see their temperament in traffic.
You see their temperament whensomeone brings their order and
it's wrong.
You see their temperament whensomeone brings their order and
it's wrong.
You see their temperament when,like Gil was telling me I was
talking to a telemarketer.
He said you don't liketelemarketers.
No, I do not.
I do not because they'reintrusive and it's obvious in my
tone and my temperament that Idon't like them.
(14:56):
So you don't want to ignore allthose things in the beginning,
because while someone'spersonality might be great, what
is their temperament?
Because really, yourtemperament is a reflection of
your character.
If you had to, what is it?
Because your personality isgoing to change, because it's
(15:16):
shaped by your environment andyour, but your temperament is a
reflection of your character.
Speaker 1 (15:23):
You know, maybe even thinking about it a different
way, maybe looking at it fromhow is your normal disposition,
how is your countenance, how doyou carry yourself on a
day-to-day basis manner?
That can be identifying whatyour temperament is like.
Speaker 2 (15:39):
Yeah, and I think a part of it is that because for
Gil, even when I was in laborand they called me, they called
Gil and he was like this brotherright here.
He is cool, calm and collected.
He could have been a surgeonand I love that about him.
And so many times we tell ourcouples the very thing that you
love and that you're attractedto, you may end up not liking it
(16:02):
Because, again, the personalityis like it reflects the light,
but the temperament is reallywho you are.
And so, while your personalitymay be great, what is your
temperament?
Speaker 1 (16:13):
And I like the way you what you say.
There I can shut off.
Sometimes.
I'm working on communicationbetter with my partner and
that's exactly what you want tobe doing, because if you're in a
way that you need to be shutdown, as long as you're not
shutting down in the midst of aserious conversation or when
things are really going on,that's not what you want to do,
(16:35):
because you know there's an oldpsychological term that nurture
versus nature.
You know, yes, we have comefrom different environments and
we have different backgrounds,but all of the things that we do
in our relationships are achoice.
When you think about if you'rein a let's just say, not a
confrontation, but a discussion,that's pretty serious and maybe
(16:58):
it's not going your way, or youget into your feelings a little
bit Not saying this at you, butI'm just saying in general
terms and you shut down Is itbecause you didn't like what was
said or was it that you didn'tlike?
You don't want to deal with itright at the present moment or
the present time.
Those are things that may be apart of your temperament, but
you have to think about what isit that you want to accomplish
(17:19):
when it comes to therelationship.
Like you just said, you want toget better at communication.
Well, that's going to requireyou to communicate not just in
the good times, but it's goingto also require you to
communicate when conflicts arise, where you can sometimes
especially someone who's maybemore laid back you can take a
step back and kind of deescalatethe situation and see if what
(17:40):
it really is.
We see a lot of couples that arein the midst of a situation and
their temperament kicks in andthey tend to start focusing on
symptoms when they're in themidst of a discussion or a
conflict.
If you're focusing on symptomsand not what's really going on,
the root cause of the issue,that's where you have to take a
(18:00):
step back and say, okay, let'stake a minute and let's look at
this.
Somebody has to be that levelhead to say you know what?
Let's take a step back andlet's really focus on what may
be the real issue that we'redealing with.
Speaker 2 (18:11):
And I think the thing that Gil and I learned like for
me because I am so vocal and Ihave something to say and I have
a billion words, I am so vocaland I have something to say and
have a billion words I had tolearn how to be quiet.
I had to learn how to, and Ihad to physically practice.
It's like, okay, so today weare practicing being quiet,
renee.
So, renee, today we are notgoing to talk when people are
talking, we're going to listen.
(18:32):
And that was how I learned todevelop my ability to be a
better listener.
So, like for Gil, you had to dothe opposite.
Speaker 1 (18:40):
She had to.
Actually, one thing that weshared and this is something
that we came across, how she hadto help me in this capacity was
she asked me what I think, notwhat I feel.
If she says, hey, how are youfeeling today, fine, good, I'm
okay.
But if she said, what are youthinking about?
(19:01):
Oh, I'm just, oh well, I'mthinking about this and this and
this and this and this.
Well, all those may beconnected to the feelings.
That's a whole differentquestion.
That's a part of my temperament.
If I'm an analytical person anda conscious person and trying
to think about certain things,she's going to get more out of
me if she asks me what am Ithinking about versus how do I
(19:23):
feel.
So I'm not saying all guys,most guys are thinkers more than
feelers, not that guys don'thave feelings, but if you really
want to get something out ofthem, ask them what they're
thinking versus what they'refeeling.
Speaker 2 (19:36):
Yes, very much so, and a part of it for women is
when we tell you everythingwe're feeling.
We don't want a solution.
We just want you to listen,unless I say, hey, I really I
need you to help me with this,and that's just some.
Those are the kinds of thingsyou don't know that if you
weren't taught that.
But it's just understandingthat you're living with another
person who is not like you.
(19:56):
So how do you benefit from, howdo I benefit from his
temperament and his personality?
How does he benefit from mine?
By one first knowing mine,understanding it and then giving
him room to be the way he'swired.
Speaker 1 (20:09):
Oh yeah, absolutely, and we appreciate you guys if
you just join us.
Speaker 2 (20:12):
Thank you for joining .
Speaker 1 (20:13):
For hanging out with us.
We talking about thetemperament and how it can
impact and affect yourrelationship and your
personalities, how those thingscan all play into the
relationship space.
A lot of times.
These are the kind ofconversations and topics we like
talking about because it's notcommon to talk about.
It's one of those small thingsthat people don't even give
thought about on a regular basisand how it is impacting their
(20:37):
relationship.
So that's why we bringing upthese out of left field topics
because it matters and thosethings pay huge dividends when
it comes to how it can affectand affect your relationship.
Speaker 2 (20:50):
And, I think, a part of it.
I was talking to someone I wasseeing.
Speaker 1 (20:52):
Thanks, Renee.
Speaker 2 (20:54):
Thank you, is that Renee McKenzie?
Speaker 1 (20:56):
No, Renee Feliciano.
Speaker 2 (20:58):
Oh, thank you.
Thanks for joining us, renee.
We have another, renee too, butit's understanding.
The Bible says that.
Well, people say the devil's inthe details, but the Bible says
the small fox will destroy thevine.
So if we can help you guys,focus on all those little
pitfalls that couples strugglewith before you get there, it
prevents you, because our wholething is we would much rather
(21:23):
give you prevention than thecure.
We'd rather be a Tylenol andnot a vitamin, because we want
to help you navigate your painwhere it gets better, not where
you are nursing it and you don'tknow, you don't realize, but
where you're actually gettingbetter.
So that's some of the thingswe're really trying to work on.
Speaker 1 (21:38):
And we appreciate you chiming in.
So if you got questions, ifyou're watching, if you want to
talk about we're talking abouttemperaments and personalities
and how it impacts yourrelationship and, marco, we're
going to get to your questionhere right here in a second.
But I just want to introduce ifyou want to talk about those
things, just put it in the chatand We'll get to it, and as long
as it goes with the flow of ourconversation, and as long as it
(21:59):
doesn't get inappropriate andhello from.
Is that Serbia?
Wow, I just want to ask foradvice on how to stay calm and
cool when someone always keepdoing stupid, wrong things in
public.
And I can't stay calm in frontof my girl, hmm.
Speaker 2 (22:20):
That's a good one.
Speaker 1 (22:22):
You want to start.
Speaker 2 (22:24):
So you're saying someone else is doing something
crazy.
That is not you.
Speaker 1 (22:28):
And you stay calm.
Yeah, how do you stay calm andcool when someone is always
doing something stupid or wrongthings in public?
And how do I stay calm in themidst of that?
Speaker 2 (22:41):
I will say this.
I always say when I learned tocontrol myself, everyone around
me changed.
Self-control is the mostpowerful form of control,
because when we are governingourselves, we realize that
whatever that other person isdoing is not a reflection of me.
It's a reflection of thatperson and it's understanding
(23:01):
that if I react to theirfoolishness, that I'm going to
be responsible for the sameconsequence that they're going
to get.
So you have to always askyourself, because I know for me,
I always felt like I had to saysomething and the thing the
Lord showed me was may the wordsof your mouth and the
meditation of your heart bepleasing in my sight, and when
(23:22):
you get done, give them a pieceof your mind.
Who's going to look crazy?
So you have to always have thisinner conversation with
yourself about the consequencesof what you do.
It is bad when people misbehave, it is bad when people, but at
the end of the day, you'reresponsible for how you treat
your girl, not for how thisperson in public is behaving.
(23:43):
And so it's just a matter of Iwalk in and self-control and
Gills helped me a lot with that,because self-control I would
say that was my biggest.
Biggest struggle wasself-control.
Speaker 1 (23:52):
And I would say, when it comes to a lot of times, we
want to try to control thingsthat are beyond our ability to
control, especially in ourrelationships.
The one thing that we alwaysshare with our couples is,
believe it or not, I cannotchange Renee.
I cannot control Renee, much asI try to use my superpower and
my Jedi mind tricks and all thisother stuff to try to control
(24:14):
him.
And when you realize that youcan't control this other person,
and when you realize that youcan't control this other person,
and even when they're doingsomething that you don't agree
with or something that you mayset you off, you have to take a
step back and ask yourself whyis it bothering me so much?
What is it about this, whatthey're doing that I don't agree
with?
And am I trying to control theperson or the situation or the
(24:36):
circumstance?
Only thing you can control isyourself.
That's the only thing I can say.
Since we're doing thesequestions kind of like right now
.
That's the best thing we can asfar as advice to give you right
now.
Speaker 2 (24:49):
The wisest thing is always to remember you only have
self-control and to rememberthat, whatever you do, you're
going to be responsible for howyou behave.
Speaker 1 (24:58):
And I like the way you said that.
Fivey, I hope I'm pronouncingthat right.
That's exactly what you want todo is use I statements when you
start thinking about, I have aproblem.
Just like Marco said, ifsomebody's doing something that
you don't agree with, it's not aproblem with them, it's a
problem for you, so you're theone with the problem.
A problem for you, so you'rethe one with the problem.
(25:19):
So when you say I have aproblem, instead of Renee is
always doing this or she doesthat, or she does that when
you're looking outward, that'swhere the problems really come.
But when you say I have aproblem with this situation, all
you can do is vocalize that, beassertive with that, not
aggressive.
There's a difference betweenaggressive and assertive.
Speaker 2 (25:36):
When you're communicating but being
assertiveive, all you're doingis telling that person what they
need, what you need, what youneed from them, and telling them
that once you do that, it'sgoing to be on them to to
respond in kind with thatsomebody else have a question no
, go ahead, go ahead okay, andso I just think it's important
(25:56):
that in relationships, andespecially in the early in the
dating stages, and even ifyou've been together for a long
time, when we would be out,people would do and say things
and I would always watch Gil andI'm like that doesn't bother
you.
He was like bother me why.
Speaker 1 (26:15):
And I'm looking at what Marco was saying.
And I'm looking at what Marcowas saying yeah, if you're
talking about a physicalaltercation and you intervene
and you get involved with thesituation and they're doing
something wrong, especially ifit's a domestic thing, if
someone is actually having aaltercation, especially someone
that's outside of you and yoursignificant other Call the
police, you better off to callthe police or let them deal with
(26:36):
it, unfortunately, because,just like what you just said in
there, they end up turning onyou as being a source of the
problem, because they probablyhave a history and a pattern of
doing this.
You just happened to comeacross it at the wrong time and,
yes, that may be the honorablething to try to intervene.
You can intervene by callingthe authorities.
(26:57):
You can intervene by, you know,trying to create distance, but
don't put yourself in asituation that you're going to
reap some damage to you or theperson.
You don't want to be collateraldamage when it comes to a
situation like that.
Speaker 2 (27:10):
And something that we always say is the things that
people do make sense to them.
You may never understand whypeople do what they do, because
you don't have the same mindset.
Speaker 1 (27:21):
Or you don't have the same experience, you don't have
the history and the backgroundthat goes along with that.
Speaker 2 (27:25):
And so there's things that people will do and it
makes sense to them.
It doesn't have to make senseto you.
The things that you do have tomake sense to you, and so it's
just important that we alwaysremember that at the end of the
day, when I go stand before theLord, he is not going to give me
the consequences of somebodyelse.
I have to stand before him forme, and so I hope that helps.
As far as just knowing how tonavigate yourself, I think
(27:49):
that's our biggest thing isalways we say there's no such
thing as marriage problems.
There's individual problems webring into our relationships,
and it's not just our marriagerelationships, it's our sibling
relationships.
It's our sibling relationships,it's our family relationships.
Speaker 1 (28:01):
Work relationships, work relationships, even the
casual one at the drive-thru.
Speaker 2 (28:04):
Yes, yes.
So a part of it is justunderstanding that you take your
personality and yourtemperament with you everywhere
you go and you have to learn howto navigate that.
Speaker 1 (28:14):
So, even if you're in a relationship, if you have a
marital relationship or evenjust in a dating phase, just
kind of always remember you area single individual first and
the things that and I thinksomebody said it in the chat
already you have to be workingon you.
You do the more you work on youto try to maximize the growth
areas.
(28:34):
I mean get better in the growthareas and minimize the
weaknesses or the strength.
Maximize the strengths,minimize the growth areas.
Yes, focus on those things.
That's where the real Benefitcomes in the relationship.
You know, if you have thosegrowth areas that you have,
that's where you want to focuson your effort and your energy
(28:54):
and getting better in thoseareas to turn them into
strengths, because it will makeyou better for the relationship
as a whole.
Speaker 2 (29:00):
And it will, because you're not dragging your
unpacked pain and the otherperson's.
So sit with your own pain,unpack it, figure out why.
Because there's a reason why Ialways say there's no such thing
as road rage because you weremad at home, you were mad at the
grocery store, you were mad atthe bathroom, you were mad, and
so we need to really get to.
Well, why does that bother meso much?
(29:22):
And I was just reading, we haveanother book, y'all.
I was just reading it and oneof the things that I talked
about was the way you unpack thepain of your past.
You keep asking yourself why,until there are no more
questions, why does that botherme?
Well, why did that happen to me?
We have to keep asking.
We need to sit with why we feelthe way we feel and ask
(29:42):
questions so that we can getsome answers, so that when we go
to someone, we know why we dowhat we do.
That's an important part ofbeing able to be a healthy
relationship.
Speaker 1 (29:52):
So we appreciate you guys hanging out with us today.
We try to keep this at about 30minutes or so because we put
out content on a regular basisand, just like what you were
saying here, where can you findus?
Where can you reach out?
Why don't you give them therundown about where you can find
us and reach?
Speaker 2 (30:05):
out.
Yay, we have a new app.
If you have an Android phone,you can go to the Google App and
put in Rich RR Marriage Mentors.
We're working on the Apple oneRight now.
Our website has changed.
Our website isrichrrmarriagementorscom.
So if you want to reach us, youhave a question or anything,
you can give us an email at helpat richrelationshiprefugecom.
(30:31):
That's our email and, again,our website is
richrrmarriagementors.
You can go to our website andwe can help you.
We can go get our app.
We have books, we have aYouTube channel, we have
podcasts.
Any way, we can serve you andwe also do one-on-one sessions.
So, please, we would love to bea part of your relationship
journey.
Speaker 1 (30:50):
And so you can reach us here.
We do this one every Saturdaynight.
Speaker 2 (30:53):
Yes, at 8 pm.
Speaker 1 (30:54):
You know, and so that's where we're at, but we're
also on the YouTube platform.
We got all the videos and allthe things out there you can
catch us.
Speaker 2 (31:00):
Go watch some of our other videos.
Speaker 1 (31:01):
You can catch us anytime you want, anytime you
got some free time.
We always say you want to stickus in your ears.
We got a podcast out there withover 100 episodes, plus
episodes, so you can catch that.
So however you want to do it,whether it's through your phone,
through your streaming, whileyou're walking, while you're at
the gym, while you're doing allthat stuff, take us with you.
Or if you just want to sit downand binge watch.
You know that's cool too,because that's what we, that's
(31:23):
why we do this.
We just want to make depositsinto people's relationships.
That's on a positive side,because if you want the drama
and the craziness and all theother stuff that goes along with
relationships sorry, that's notus- we don't do that part.
Speaker 2 (31:37):
You know what I realize Everyone is.
There is an ocean ofinformation.
We are providing wisdom fromour marriage 35 years From our
relationship with God 18 yearsof working with couples.
From our marriage, from ouryears of working with couples,
years of working with couples,from our marriage, from our
years of working with couplesand for our desire to make sure
people don't go through thismarriage life alone, this
(31:59):
relationship, life alone.
Speaker 1 (32:01):
So we appreciate you guys.
We will see you guys next week.
Hopefully you got something outof this Next Saturday at 8 pm,
central Standard Time.
Speaker 2 (32:07):
We love you.
Please watch more of our longcontent.
Just sit and binge it, you knowit'll help.
It helps.
The algorithm is really theaudience.
We want our audience to havemore content, more things to
watch to help us to have betterrelationships.
So we love you all and we loveserving you guys.
We will see you guys nextSaturday at 8 pm.
Unless I go live, we're goingto go live throughout the week
too.
Speaker 1 (32:27):
So remember, we're stronger together guys, you guys
.
Speaker 2 (32:30):
Thank you so much for watching Later.
See you guys next week.
Share this video, leave uscomments.
Watch more of our long contenton YouTube.
We create long content becausewe want to give you more than
just 30 seconds or 15 seconds,so we try to make it at least 30
minutes.
Now remember we're strongertogether and we love you and you
(32:51):
are more than enough.
So we'll see you guys nextsaturday.
Speaker 1 (32:55):
bye thank you for listening.
Thank you for your investmentin time.
Remember to subscribe to theshow and hit the notification
icon to be notified when newepisodes are posted on the
podcast platform that you'relistening from or you can always
find us on our website atrichrelationshipsuscom, or our
YouTube channel, richRelationships with Gil Renee.
Speaker 2 (33:17):
If you found this podcast helpful or you think it
could help someone that you knowand care about, please pass it
along and share it with them.
Welcome to the Rich Relationship Podcast with Gil
and Renee, where amazing thingshappen.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Our goal is to help build, repair and restore
healthy relationships.
We had to say goodbye, see youin eternity, to a friend of ours
, so if we seem a little out ofsorts, it's kind of hard to go
from that to this and not feelsomething.
So we just want to tell youguys that tonight our episode is
(00:34):
about the difference betweenpersonality and temperament, and
a lot of times we think thatthey're the same.
So I'm going to share a littlestory.
So we always talk about it.
I'm an extrovert, gil is anintrovert.
Speaker 1 (00:47):
Before you get started, if you don't know who
we are we appreciate you comingand joining us.
Speaker 2 (00:52):
Thanks for joining us .
Speaker 1 (00:53):
I'm Gil and I'm Renee From the Rich Relationship
Refuge.
Yes, we got to get a kiss.
A little bit out of sorts.
Now you can go ahead.
Speaker 2 (01:04):
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
So see, we all like routines,especially when there are things
that feed our soul, and so alot of times you know you hear
all these.
Okay, so I'm an extrovert andGil is an introvert.
We always talk about like thebelly button is either an outie
or an innie, and so eitheryou're an outie or an innie, and
so either you're an outie or aninnie, and a lot of times when
(01:27):
I was younger, people would say,oh, you remind me of so-and-so,
you act just like so-and-so.
Oh, you remind me of so-and-so,you act like so-and-so.
So I'm sure you have been toldthat you remind someone of
someone else, and that's becausethey probably share the same
personality.
(01:48):
But over the years of workingwith couples and being married
to the same person, I realizedthat there's reasons why certain
relationships do better thanothers, and I think that the
missing link we always talkabout, as far as getting to the
root, I think that the rootcause of why some relationships
(02:08):
don't work well is because ofyour temperaments being
different.
And so what's the differencebetween personality and
temperament?
If I had to say it, to make itreal easy, your personality is
like this outfit it's mypersonality, it shows my
personality and you see, gil'spersonality.
He's a lot calmer.
(02:29):
He can have the same colors.
However, it's not yourpersonality.
It may be what's on the outside, but your temperament is what's
on the inside.
So we can both have differentpersonalities, but our
temperament could be different,and so we're going to talk a
little bit more about that.
If you have questions aboutpersonality and temperament, if
(02:50):
you have relationship questions,please put them in the chat.
So, babe, what do you thinkabout all this?
Speaker 1 (02:55):
I was thinking when you think about how does all
this play into relationships,relationships?
That's what we are reallytalking about, because if you
have a different temperament,obviously you're going to have a
different personality, morethan likely, from your
significant other, but if youhave a different temperament,
(03:17):
that can be sometimes an issuewhen it comes to.
Speaker 2 (03:20):
You got a piece of hair.
Speaker 1 (03:21):
It's OK.
It can be an issue when itcomes to the relationship if
your temperaments are different.
Speaker 2 (03:30):
You think so, yeah, or you think it can be an issue
if they're too much alike no.
Speaker 1 (03:38):
Go ahead and elaborate on what you were just
describing, because one of thethings I can say.
Speaker 2 (03:42):
Like you know, our personalities are totally
different.
However, the thing I realized isthat, while our personalities
are different which yourpersonality is shaped by the
things you go through, thethings you experience whereas
your temperament is more yourDNA.
It's the way you were born, it'sthe way you were wired.
So there are some things thatare hardwired into your
temperament is more your DNA.
(04:02):
It's the way you were born,it's the way you were wired.
So there are some things thatare hardwired into your
temperament.
Like, if you're the kind ofperson that you are easygoing,
more than likely you're going toremain easygoing.
If you're some person that is ahothead and everything sets you
off, more than likely that isnot something that's going to
change because that's the waythat's hardwired into your DNA,
(04:25):
and so I do believe that theword of God has a way of helping
us overcome all that, but Ithink that you can't ignore that
there are certain things aboutthe way people are that's kind
of hardwired Absolutely, and sowhat would you say has been your
experience when you think aboutthe things we've seen in
couples?
What have you seen to be like arecipe for disaster?
Speaker 1 (04:45):
If your temperaments are definitely different, it's
going to cause a issue.
You know, you have to be likeminded.
If you are like minded, whatwe're talking about is, for
example, when we first starteddating.
For example, when we firststarted dating, if we, if Renee,
was very vocal and say weargued about little things, or
(05:08):
when you're having adisagreement and she gets loud
or he gets loud, if yourtemperament is one that your
environment or that you're, youdon't respond well to that type
of behavior, it's going to causean issue.
If you don't address it Right,you're going to have to change
when it comes to how youinteract with each other.
Speaker 2 (05:32):
And a lot of it is driven by your temperament, and
the thing that I thought thatwas so amazing was because I was
talking to another couple andthey're talking about you know,
it's a blessing when you get tospend your life with your best
friend.
That is a gift and I'm gratefulfor that.
But I also realized that thereare some things that I had to
learn, because for me, like Isaid, I grew up in a house where
everybody screamed and holleredand yelled and cussed and even
though that's what I grew uparound, I didn't like it.
(05:53):
I didn't like the way it mademe feel, I didn't even like to
do it, and so when the firsttime I did it to Gil, he was
like really, no you are sobeautiful to talk like that.
Do not use words like that.
It so sidebar.
So when I see women using thatlanguage, it makes me sad
(06:14):
because I think that that takesaway from the beauty and
elegance of being a lady.
When we use language or webehave in ways that are not
appropriate for a lady, I thinkthat's something.
So I'm just as an older woman.
I'm speaking to the nextgeneration Ladies don't talk
(06:35):
like a sailor.
You know what I mean.
Don't use words that should bein the toilet.
Don't let that come out of yourmouth.
The Bible says let no corruptcommunication come out of your
mouth.
So we need to be mindful of that, that it may be trending to use
vulgar language, but it's not20 years from now.
When you see that, are yougoing to be OK with it?
Yeah, so that's something Ijust want to sidebar.
(06:55):
I just want to go a little offrails for that.
So anybody have questions?
Is there anything that, when youthink about temperament, has
that been something that youhave noticed has been a problem
in your relationships in thepast or in the present?
If you're watching now orwatching later on, put it in the
chat if it has been an issue,because I think sometimes we
don't realize oh man, so that'swhat it was our temperaments
(07:19):
Like.
If you get two people who arehotheaded more than likely, if
you get two people who arehotheaded more than likely, if
you get two people who arehotheaded, then it's going to be
a problem.
If you get two people who arequiet, that's going to be a
problem.
You know you need to make surethat somebody brings something
different to the table, and it'snot.
You know people say oppositesattract, but also opposites can
also attack, and so what we wantto do is just kind of make it
(07:41):
easy for you to kind of pointout some of the things in
yourself that could beproblematic in you being in a
relationship.
As far as your temperamentversus your personality, how
many personalities do you thinkthere are?
Speaker 1 (07:56):
I have no idea, yeah.
Speaker 2 (07:57):
And you know what's so funny.
Honestly, we talk about it.
You have introverts andextroverts, you have talkers and
listeners, you have buyers andsavers.
So I think, when you reallythink about it, personalities
can be there could be a billionpersonalities, but just our core
of who we are as humans, it'snot like it's 50 of them.
(08:19):
There may be in the combinationof it, but it's just
understanding that while we areunique, most of our situations
are not.
And if we would learn todevelop some ways to kind of
navigate ourself and understand.
Oh well, I know, for me I willyell and scream.
If I was with somebody else whoyelled and screamed, I probably
would yell, still yell andscream.
But because I married someonewho was really calm and
(08:42):
easygoing, it taught me to tapinto that.
Because my grandmother was likewhen you were little, you never
liked a whole bunch of peoplein crowds, so he helped me to
tap into the way I was reallyalready wired.
That's why it feels natural forme Sure what you thinking?
Speaker 1 (08:58):
It's just been one of those days, you know, and that
has a little bit to go with yourtemperament.
If you've had a stressful day,you're going to be out of sorts,
and it's important for you tobe able to communicate that to
your significant other because,if not, it's going to impact in
your relationship.
Speaker 2 (09:18):
Yeah, and it's easy to take Like for me.
I am a upbeat personality,that's the way I'm normally.
I talked about this.
I did a short the other day andI was talking about even when
you have an extroverted, bubbly,charismatic personality, you
still have struggles withdepression and anxiety, and it's
(09:38):
just knowing that how itmanifests in you.
So I want to ask you the samequestion I asked the other day
how does depression, anger andanxiety show up in you?
I know, for me it causes meinsomnia.
I can be up for days and daysand days.
For me, I have to create, Ihave to build, I have to do
something with it, whereas forGil, how does it show up in you,
(10:01):
babe?
Speaker 1 (10:01):
What's that?
Speaker 2 (10:02):
Anger and depression.
Speaker 1 (10:04):
It caused me to go inward.
You think about most people whoare, let's just say,
introverted by nature.
If you feel like you're alittle bit out of sorts or you
feel like you're in as theywould say, in your feelings
you're more than likely going todraw in, you're going to get
isolated, you're going to wantto separate yourself away from
(10:25):
not anybody who's bugging you,but just because you just feel
better, more comfortable byyourself.
So sometimes you have to takethose times to where you get
away, even if it's just being ina separate room or doing things
on your own.
It could be something as simpleas just watching television,
flipping channels or whatever onyour phone, and you just want
(10:45):
to be by yourself.
It doesn't mean you're mad atanyone or you are in a funk or
anything like that.
Sometimes you just draw inward,so that's what.
Speaker 2 (10:55):
I would say and one of the things how we navigate
that because we are differentpersonalities, we deal with
things differently.
I had to learn for me I waswhat's wrong, what's wrong,
what's wrong, what's wrong.
I had to first of all, learn tostop saying what's wrong,
because when you start off withwhat's wrong, you make it seem
like it's something negative.
So my way that I address it nowis hey babe, what's going on?
(11:15):
What you thinking about?
What on what you're thinkingabout, what's going on in your
mind?
So just a matter of changingwhat you say when you're trying
to get to let the other personknow you care can make a major
difference.
Speaker 1 (11:34):
Another thing I had to learn how to do is just give
them time.
I think you have to be mindfulof your significant other or
your partner.
If you're in a way, let's justcall it.
You're not mad at me, in a mood, in a mood yeah, that's
probably a better way of sayingit.
Don't take it personal.
Don't think it's something thatyou did do or you didn't do.
Sometimes it's just that theother person just may be going
through a moment.
Speaker 2 (11:54):
But I think it's important that you ask.
Speaker 1 (11:56):
But you have to communicate Because you don't
want to communicate.
Speaker 2 (11:58):
You want to communicate.
You don't want to assume that,oh, he's quiet, I'm going to
leave him alone.
It's just always being open tocommunicate with one another and
be there for each other.
It's like, hey, you seem alittle bit out of sorts.
Is everything okay?
Checking in on each other, youknow?
I think that's important.
I think, even when you've beentogether for a long time, even
though you may think you know,there's nothing wrong with
(12:20):
saying, hey, are you okay?
What's going on?
What's going on in your heart,what's going on in your mind?
And that's where thetemperaments and personalities
come in to play a role in theway things manifest in your life
.
And I think that when youunderstand the way you are, it
helps you to have more grace andempathy and compassion for
another person, because, again,you and I are like night and day
(12:43):
.
Our personalities are thatdifferent, kind of like the
black shirt in the daytime.
Speaker 1 (12:49):
That's just the way it goes.
Speaker 2 (12:54):
So we have people here, you guys.
Let us know where you guys arecoming in from.
Let us know how we can serveyou.
If you have questions, thingsyou want to know, please, please
, please in the chat, put yourquestions in there.
Um, have you had troublesdistinguishing the difference
between personality andtemperament and did you even
know?
Because most people think thatthey're the same but they're not
(13:16):
?
Um, have you in your own lifehad struggles with that, and how
can we serve you in this areaas far as really navigating,
understanding your ownpersonality, temperament and how
to do it in a relationship?
Speaker 1 (13:27):
Dallas in the house.
Hey, dallas, not that that'syour name.
We just acknowledge him whereyou're coming from.
Thanks we appreciate you sayingwe're a beautiful couple, but
we just want to share intorelationships.
That's why we come on hereevery.
Speaker 2 (13:40):
Saturday night at 8 pm.
Tonight's topic is thedifference between personality
and temperament.
Do you know the difference andhas your temperament or
personality caused you problemsin relationships?
Speaker 1 (13:54):
And I think sometimes , if you think about the
temperament and the personality,we're more driven and being
drawn to someone's personality.
You know they may be verycharismatic, they may draw you
in and they may be very mindfuland thoughtful and those are all
characteristics, but it couldalso be a little bit of their
temperament.
You know, if a person is anextroverted person, that's
(14:17):
temperament.
But if they're outgoing andjovial and all those things that
that kind of attract you fromtheir personality, that is what
draws you in.
But over time it's going totake a little bit of time for
you to see a person'stemperament yeah, and, and I
think it, when you know, you seesomeone's temperament.
Speaker 2 (14:34):
You see their temperament in traffic.
You see their temperament whensomeone brings their order and
it's wrong.
You see their temperament whensomeone brings their order and
it's wrong.
You see their temperament when,like Gil was telling me I was
talking to a telemarketer.
He said you don't liketelemarketers.
No, I do not.
I do not because they'reintrusive and it's obvious in my
tone and my temperament that Idon't like them.
(14:56):
So you don't want to ignore allthose things in the beginning,
because while someone'spersonality might be great, what
is their temperament?
Because really, yourtemperament is a reflection of
your character.
If you had to, what is it?
Because your personality isgoing to change, because it's
(15:16):
shaped by your environment andyour, but your temperament is a
reflection of your character.
Speaker 1 (15:23):
You know, maybe even thinking about it a different
way, maybe looking at it fromhow is your normal disposition,
how is your countenance, how doyou carry yourself on a
day-to-day basis manner?
That can be identifying whatyour temperament is like.
Speaker 2 (15:39):
Yeah, and I think a part of it is that because for
Gil, even when I was in laborand they called me, they called
Gil and he was like this brotherright here.
He is cool, calm and collected.
He could have been a surgeonand I love that about him.
And so many times we tell ourcouples the very thing that you
love and that you're attractedto, you may end up not liking it
(16:02):
Because, again, the personalityis like it reflects the light,
but the temperament is reallywho you are.
And so, while your personalitymay be great, what is your
temperament?
Speaker 1 (16:13):
And I like the way you what you say.
There I can shut off.
Sometimes.
I'm working on communicationbetter with my partner and
that's exactly what you want tobe doing, because if you're in a
way that you need to be shutdown, as long as you're not
shutting down in the midst of aserious conversation or when
things are really going on,that's not what you want to do,
(16:35):
because you know there's an oldpsychological term that nurture
versus nature.
You know, yes, we have comefrom different environments and
we have different backgrounds,but all of the things that we do
in our relationships are achoice.
When you think about if you'rein a let's just say, not a
confrontation, but a discussion,that's pretty serious and maybe
(16:58):
it's not going your way, or youget into your feelings a little
bit Not saying this at you, butI'm just saying in general
terms and you shut down Is itbecause you didn't like what was
said or was it that you didn'tlike?
You don't want to deal with itright at the present moment or
the present time.
Those are things that may be apart of your temperament, but
you have to think about what isit that you want to accomplish
(17:19):
when it comes to therelationship.
Like you just said, you want toget better at communication.
Well, that's going to requireyou to communicate not just in
the good times, but it's goingto also require you to
communicate when conflicts arise, where you can sometimes
especially someone who's maybemore laid back you can take a
step back and kind of deescalatethe situation and see if what
(17:40):
it really is.
We see a lot of couples that arein the midst of a situation and
their temperament kicks in andthey tend to start focusing on
symptoms when they're in themidst of a discussion or a
conflict.
If you're focusing on symptomsand not what's really going on,
the root cause of the issue,that's where you have to take a
(18:00):
step back and say, okay, let'stake a minute and let's look at
this.
Somebody has to be that levelhead to say you know what?
Let's take a step back andlet's really focus on what may
be the real issue that we'redealing with.
Speaker 2 (18:11):
And I think the thing that Gil and I learned like for
me because I am so vocal and Ihave something to say and I have
a billion words, I am so vocaland I have something to say and
have a billion words I had tolearn how to be quiet.
I had to learn how to, and Ihad to physically practice.
It's like, okay, so today weare practicing being quiet,
renee.
So, renee, today we are notgoing to talk when people are
talking, we're going to listen.
(18:32):
And that was how I learned todevelop my ability to be a
better listener.
So, like for Gil, you had to dothe opposite.
Speaker 1 (18:40):
She had to.
Actually, one thing that weshared and this is something
that we came across, how she hadto help me in this capacity was
she asked me what I think, notwhat I feel.
If she says, hey, how are youfeeling today, fine, good, I'm
okay.
But if she said, what are youthinking about?
(19:01):
Oh, I'm just, oh well, I'mthinking about this and this and
this and this and this.
Well, all those may beconnected to the feelings.
That's a whole differentquestion.
That's a part of my temperament.
If I'm an analytical person anda conscious person and trying
to think about certain things,she's going to get more out of
me if she asks me what am Ithinking about versus how do I
(19:23):
feel.
So I'm not saying all guys,most guys are thinkers more than
feelers, not that guys don'thave feelings, but if you really
want to get something out ofthem, ask them what they're
thinking versus what they'refeeling.
Speaker 2 (19:36):
Yes, very much so, and a part of it for women is
when we tell you everythingwe're feeling.
We don't want a solution.
We just want you to listen,unless I say, hey, I really I
need you to help me with this,and that's just some.
Those are the kinds of thingsyou don't know that if you
weren't taught that.
But it's just understandingthat you're living with another
person who is not like you.
(19:56):
So how do you benefit from, howdo I benefit from his
temperament and his personality?
How does he benefit from mine?
By one first knowing mine,understanding it and then giving
him room to be the way he'swired.
Speaker 1 (20:09):
Oh yeah, absolutely, and we appreciate you guys if
you just join us.
Speaker 2 (20:12):
Thank you for joining .
Speaker 1 (20:13):
For hanging out with us.
We talking about thetemperament and how it can
impact and affect yourrelationship and your
personalities, how those thingscan all play into the
relationship space.
A lot of times.
These are the kind ofconversations and topics we like
talking about because it's notcommon to talk about.
It's one of those small thingsthat people don't even give
thought about on a regular basisand how it is impacting their
(20:37):
relationship.
So that's why we bringing upthese out of left field topics
because it matters and thosethings pay huge dividends when
it comes to how it can affectand affect your relationship.
Speaker 2 (20:50):
And, I think, a part of it.
I was talking to someone I wasseeing.
Speaker 1 (20:52):
Thanks, Renee.
Speaker 2 (20:54):
Thank you, is that Renee McKenzie?
Speaker 1 (20:56):
No, Renee Feliciano.
Speaker 2 (20:58):
Oh, thank you.
Thanks for joining us, renee.
We have another, renee too, butit's understanding.
The Bible says that.
Well, people say the devil's inthe details, but the Bible says
the small fox will destroy thevine.
So if we can help you guys,focus on all those little
pitfalls that couples strugglewith before you get there, it
prevents you, because our wholething is we would much rather
(21:23):
give you prevention than thecure.
We'd rather be a Tylenol andnot a vitamin, because we want
to help you navigate your painwhere it gets better, not where
you are nursing it and you don'tknow, you don't realize, but
where you're actually gettingbetter.
So that's some of the thingswe're really trying to work on.
Speaker 1 (21:38):
And we appreciate you chiming in.
So if you got questions, ifyou're watching, if you want to
talk about we're talking abouttemperaments and personalities
and how it impacts yourrelationship and, marco, we're
going to get to your questionhere right here in a second.
But I just want to introduce ifyou want to talk about those
things, just put it in the chatand We'll get to it, and as long
as it goes with the flow of ourconversation, and as long as it
(21:59):
doesn't get inappropriate andhello from.
Is that Serbia?
Wow, I just want to ask foradvice on how to stay calm and
cool when someone always keepdoing stupid, wrong things in
public.
And I can't stay calm in frontof my girl, hmm.
Speaker 2 (22:20):
That's a good one.
Speaker 1 (22:22):
You want to start.
Speaker 2 (22:24):
So you're saying someone else is doing something
crazy.
That is not you.
Speaker 1 (22:28):
And you stay calm.
Yeah, how do you stay calm andcool when someone is always
doing something stupid or wrongthings in public?
And how do I stay calm in themidst of that?
Speaker 2 (22:41):
I will say this.
I always say when I learned tocontrol myself, everyone around
me changed.
Self-control is the mostpowerful form of control,
because when we are governingourselves, we realize that
whatever that other person isdoing is not a reflection of me.
It's a reflection of thatperson and it's understanding
(23:01):
that if I react to theirfoolishness, that I'm going to
be responsible for the sameconsequence that they're going
to get.
So you have to always askyourself, because I know for me,
I always felt like I had to saysomething and the thing the
Lord showed me was may the wordsof your mouth and the
meditation of your heart bepleasing in my sight, and when
(23:22):
you get done, give them a pieceof your mind.
Who's going to look crazy?
So you have to always have thisinner conversation with
yourself about the consequencesof what you do.
It is bad when people misbehave, it is bad when people, but at
the end of the day, you'reresponsible for how you treat
your girl, not for how thisperson in public is behaving.
(23:43):
And so it's just a matter of Iwalk in and self-control and
Gills helped me a lot with that,because self-control I would
say that was my biggest.
Biggest struggle wasself-control.
Speaker 1 (23:52):
And I would say, when it comes to a lot of times, we
want to try to control thingsthat are beyond our ability to
control, especially in ourrelationships.
The one thing that we alwaysshare with our couples is,
believe it or not, I cannotchange Renee.
I cannot control Renee, much asI try to use my superpower and
my Jedi mind tricks and all thisother stuff to try to control
(24:14):
him.
And when you realize that youcan't control this other person,
and when you realize that youcan't control this other person,
and even when they're doingsomething that you don't agree
with or something that you mayset you off, you have to take a
step back and ask yourself whyis it bothering me so much?
What is it about this, whatthey're doing that I don't agree
with?
And am I trying to control theperson or the situation or the
(24:36):
circumstance?
Only thing you can control isyourself.
That's the only thing I can say.
Since we're doing thesequestions kind of like right now
.
That's the best thing we can asfar as advice to give you right
now.
Speaker 2 (24:49):
The wisest thing is always to remember you only have
self-control and to rememberthat, whatever you do, you're
going to be responsible for howyou behave.
Speaker 1 (24:58):
And I like the way you said that.
Fivey, I hope I'm pronouncingthat right.
That's exactly what you want todo is use I statements when you
start thinking about, I have aproblem.
Just like Marco said, ifsomebody's doing something that
you don't agree with, it's not aproblem with them, it's a
problem for you, so you're theone with the problem.
A problem for you, so you'rethe one with the problem.
(25:19):
So when you say I have aproblem, instead of Renee is
always doing this or she doesthat, or she does that when
you're looking outward, that'swhere the problems really come.
But when you say I have aproblem with this situation, all
you can do is vocalize that, beassertive with that, not
aggressive.
There's a difference betweenaggressive and assertive.
Speaker 2 (25:36):
When you're communicating but being
assertiveive, all you're doingis telling that person what they
need, what you need, what youneed from them, and telling them
that once you do that, it'sgoing to be on them to to
respond in kind with thatsomebody else have a question no
, go ahead, go ahead okay, andso I just think it's important
(25:56):
that in relationships, andespecially in the early in the
dating stages, and even ifyou've been together for a long
time, when we would be out,people would do and say things
and I would always watch Gil andI'm like that doesn't bother
you.
He was like bother me why.
Speaker 1 (26:15):
And I'm looking at what Marco was saying.
And I'm looking at what Marcowas saying yeah, if you're
talking about a physicalaltercation and you intervene
and you get involved with thesituation and they're doing
something wrong, especially ifit's a domestic thing, if
someone is actually having aaltercation, especially someone
that's outside of you and yoursignificant other Call the
police, you better off to callthe police or let them deal with
(26:36):
it, unfortunately, because,just like what you just said in
there, they end up turning onyou as being a source of the
problem, because they probablyhave a history and a pattern of
doing this.
You just happened to comeacross it at the wrong time and,
yes, that may be the honorablething to try to intervene.
You can intervene by callingthe authorities.
(26:57):
You can intervene by, you know,trying to create distance, but
don't put yourself in asituation that you're going to
reap some damage to you or theperson.
You don't want to be collateraldamage when it comes to a
situation like that.
Speaker 2 (27:10):
And something that we always say is the things that
people do make sense to them.
You may never understand whypeople do what they do, because
you don't have the same mindset.
Speaker 1 (27:21):
Or you don't have the same experience, you don't have
the history and the backgroundthat goes along with that.
Speaker 2 (27:25):
And so there's things that people will do and it
makes sense to them.
It doesn't have to make senseto you.
The things that you do have tomake sense to you, and so it's
just important that we alwaysremember that at the end of the
day, when I go stand before theLord, he is not going to give me
the consequences of somebodyelse.
I have to stand before him forme, and so I hope that helps.
As far as just knowing how tonavigate yourself, I think
(27:49):
that's our biggest thing isalways we say there's no such
thing as marriage problems.
There's individual problems webring into our relationships,
and it's not just our marriagerelationships, it's our sibling
relationships.
It's our sibling relationships,it's our family relationships.
Speaker 1 (28:01):
Work relationships, work relationships, even the
casual one at the drive-thru.
Speaker 2 (28:04):
Yes, yes.
So a part of it is justunderstanding that you take your
personality and yourtemperament with you everywhere
you go and you have to learn howto navigate that.
Speaker 1 (28:14):
So, even if you're in a relationship, if you have a
marital relationship or evenjust in a dating phase, just
kind of always remember you area single individual first and
the things that and I thinksomebody said it in the chat
already you have to be workingon you.
You do the more you work on youto try to maximize the growth
areas.
(28:34):
I mean get better in the growthareas and minimize the
weaknesses or the strength.
Maximize the strengths,minimize the growth areas.
Yes, focus on those things.
That's where the real Benefitcomes in the relationship.
You know, if you have thosegrowth areas that you have,
that's where you want to focuson your effort and your energy
(28:54):
and getting better in thoseareas to turn them into
strengths, because it will makeyou better for the relationship
as a whole.
Speaker 2 (29:00):
And it will, because you're not dragging your
unpacked pain and the otherperson's.
So sit with your own pain,unpack it, figure out why.
Because there's a reason why Ialways say there's no such thing
as road rage because you weremad at home, you were mad at the
grocery store, you were mad atthe bathroom, you were mad, and
so we need to really get to.
Well, why does that bother meso much?
(29:22):
And I was just reading, we haveanother book, y'all.
I was just reading it and oneof the things that I talked
about was the way you unpack thepain of your past.
You keep asking yourself why,until there are no more
questions, why does that botherme?
Well, why did that happen to me?
We have to keep asking.
We need to sit with why we feelthe way we feel and ask
(29:42):
questions so that we can getsome answers, so that when we go
to someone, we know why we dowhat we do.
That's an important part ofbeing able to be a healthy
relationship.
Speaker 1 (29:52):
So we appreciate you guys hanging out with us today.
We try to keep this at about 30minutes or so because we put
out content on a regular basisand, just like what you were
saying here, where can you findus?
Where can you reach out?
Why don't you give them therundown about where you can find
us and reach?
Speaker 2 (30:05):
out.
Yay, we have a new app.
If you have an Android phone,you can go to the Google App and
put in Rich RR Marriage Mentors.
We're working on the Apple oneRight now.
Our website has changed.
Our website isrichrrmarriagementorscom.
So if you want to reach us, youhave a question or anything,
you can give us an email at helpat richrelationshiprefugecom.
(30:31):
That's our email and, again,our website is
richrrmarriagementors.
You can go to our website andwe can help you.
We can go get our app.
We have books, we have aYouTube channel, we have
podcasts.
Any way, we can serve you andwe also do one-on-one sessions.
So, please, we would love to bea part of your relationship
journey.
Speaker 1 (30:50):
And so you can reach us here.
We do this one every Saturdaynight.
Speaker 2 (30:53):
Yes, at 8 pm.
Speaker 1 (30:54):
You know, and so that's where we're at, but we're
also on the YouTube platform.
We got all the videos and allthe things out there you can
catch us.
Speaker 2 (31:00):
Go watch some of our other videos.
Speaker 1 (31:01):
You can catch us anytime you want, anytime you
got some free time.
We always say you want to stickus in your ears.
We got a podcast out there withover 100 episodes, plus
episodes, so you can catch that.
So however you want to do it,whether it's through your phone,
through your streaming, whileyou're walking, while you're at
the gym, while you're doing allthat stuff, take us with you.
Or if you just want to sit downand binge watch.
You know that's cool too,because that's what we, that's
(31:23):
why we do this.
We just want to make depositsinto people's relationships.
That's on a positive side,because if you want the drama
and the craziness and all theother stuff that goes along with
relationships sorry, that's notus- we don't do that part.
Speaker 2 (31:37):
You know what I realize Everyone is.
There is an ocean ofinformation.
We are providing wisdom fromour marriage 35 years From our
relationship with God 18 yearsof working with couples.
From our marriage, from ouryears of working with couples,
years of working with couples,from our marriage, from our
years of working with couplesand for our desire to make sure
people don't go through thismarriage life alone, this
(31:59):
relationship, life alone.
Speaker 1 (32:01):
So we appreciate you guys.
We will see you guys next week.
Hopefully you got something outof this Next Saturday at 8 pm,
central Standard Time.
Speaker 2 (32:07):
We love you.
Please watch more of our longcontent.
Just sit and binge it, you knowit'll help.
It helps.
The algorithm is really theaudience.
We want our audience to havemore content, more things to
watch to help us to have betterrelationships.
So we love you all and we loveserving you guys.
We will see you guys nextSaturday at 8 pm.
Unless I go live, we're goingto go live throughout the week
too.
Speaker 1 (32:27):
So remember, we're stronger together guys, you guys
.
Speaker 2 (32:30):
Thank you so much for watching Later.
See you guys next week.
Share this video, leave uscomments.
Watch more of our long contenton YouTube.
We create long content becausewe want to give you more than
just 30 seconds or 15 seconds,so we try to make it at least 30
minutes.
Now remember we're strongertogether and we love you and you
(32:51):
are more than enough.
So we'll see you guys nextsaturday.
Speaker 1 (32:55):
bye thank you for listening.
Thank you for your investmentin time.
Remember to subscribe to theshow and hit the notification
icon to be notified when newepisodes are posted on the
podcast platform that you'relistening from or you can always
find us on our website atrichrelationshipsuscom, or our
YouTube channel, richRelationships with Gil Renee.
Speaker 2 (33:17):
If you found this podcast helpful or you think it
could help someone that you knowand care about, please pass it
along and share it with them.
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