Ever found yourself questioning whether that uneasy feeling in a relationship is a red flag or just a shadow from your past? Gil and I take you on a journey through the complex terrain of love and partnership, where we dissect the stark differences between instinctive warnings and echoes of our own traumas. Engaging heart-to-heart, we reveal how the wealthy might just be less prone to infidelity and the pivotal role of trust, shaped by honesty and consistency. We'll share our personal narratives that underscore the importance of heeding to your gut when it signals danger, guiding you to foster connections that resonate deeply with your core values.
Navigating the sea of romance requires a compass of vulnerability and candid communication. As we lay out the groundwork, you'll learn why exchanging backgrounds and passions is instrumental in cultivating a flourishing bond. But it's not just about the building blocks; it's about vigilance for potential pitfalls and prioritizing self-evolution. With insights from Gil, myself, and the invaluable support of kin and confidants, we steer through the tempest that is rushing into relationships. We stress the wisdom of observing a partner across different settings and taking ownership of our romantic choices, empowering you to avoid the trap of playing the blame game when love goes awry.
In our closing discussion, Gil and I delve into the significance of self-awareness in the dance of relationships, spotlighting the red flag collector within us and the transformational power of embodying the attributes we admire in others. We champion the benefits of therapy for mending past injuries and preparing for a union that thrives. By sharing the qualities we seek in partners and embracing the continuous journey of dating—even within marriage—we illuminate the path to self-love and readiness for love, ensuring that when you step into a relationship, you do so as a complete, content individual. Join us for these candid revelations, and let's grow together at the Rich Relationship Refuge, where love and faith intertwine.
RICH RELATIONSHIPS REFUGE
Meet: Gil & Renée
Rich Relationships Refuge podcast with Gilbert J and Renée M. Beavers is fantastic because it's the best place to explore the reality of relationships — the good, the bad, and the painful and confusing. This podcast helps to illuminate what it means to be intimate with others and what it teaches people about them. It will make you want to strive for a kinder, more fun relationship with others., This a place where love flourishes, bonds deepen, and relationships thrive. We're Gil and Renee, authors, and marriage coaches, and we're honored to walk alongside you on your journey towards a rich and fulfilling partnership.
In a world where relationships can feel like a maze, we believe in providing you with the compass and map to navigate the path of love with confidence and grace. Whether you're single and seeking, newly dating, or preparing for marriage, our app is your sanctuary—a refuge where you can find guidance, support, and inspiration every step of the way.
https://www.richrrmarriagementors.com/book-online
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Welcome to the Rich Relationship Podcast with Gil
and Renee, where amazing thingshappen.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Our goal is to help build, prepare and restore
healthy relationships.
Speaker 3 (00:14):
But tonight we are really thankful for all of you
guys who watched and shared andwho are part of this community.
Tonight we are going to talkabout why rich couples don't
cheat.
I know you say that's a bold.
Speaker 1 (00:34):
All of a sudden, the person is not so positive and
they may come off as sarcastic,may come off as being
condescending, they may put youdown, not necessarily directly
saying oh, you are not this orthat, but it can come off kind
of on the sly.
Those are all indicators thatmaybe this is something that red
(00:57):
flag yeah, remember that redflag and it may come in
different shapes, differentforms, different ways or how
they actually.
But if it's not positive andencouraging and building you up,
consider that a part of thedishonesty, because everybody
puts their best face forward.
When you're dating, that's themost deceptive time in your
(01:17):
relationship, because you alwayswant to portray the best parts
of yourself.
And if you have indicators oryou've seen red flags that make
you go, hmm, that's somethingthat I don't like.
Speaker 3 (01:29):
I want to do this.
Speaker 1 (01:30):
Yeah, go ahead.
Speaker 3 (01:31):
So what's the difference between a red flag
and unhealed or unresolved,unpacked trauma?
I'm going to give you thedifference.
In most cases, a red flag issomething that you see in the
other person that goes againstyour values, your boundaries and
(01:54):
your goals.
Those are red flags, thingsthat you can see right away.
It's like, oh man, I likeindoors, he likes outdoors, or
I'm a believer, he's not abeliever.
Those are, those are red flags.
Unpacked pain or trauma issomething that you feel inside
(02:16):
when you're in their presence orwhen they do something or when
they say.
People like to call themtriggers or hot buttons.
So we have to be careful thatwe don't mistake a red flag, and
sometimes they can interlap andoverlap, but we want to be able
to differentiate between whatis a red flag, which is
(02:39):
something that I have to decide,what I'm going to do, moving
forward, or is this somethinginside of me that's making me
not be open to the process ofdating?
Because, because, becausedating is about the first thing
is getting to know the person.
Right before you can date, youneed to be doing some just
(03:01):
conversating and communicatingand just to see, because even in
the process of just vettingthis person, you may decide.
Speaker 1 (03:08):
I don't like him or and I don't like her and if you
think about those things thatare red flags, those are the
things that you are seeing.
That makes you think.
That makes you think, hey, thisis something that I need to be
paying attention to as I'mdeciding if this is somebody I
want to keep pursuing or keepgoing down that road with.
(03:29):
So it may look a little bitlike this Do they can try to
control your decisions andthings that you do, or how you
maybe dress, or how you mayinteract or try to?
And especially, what is?
I?
Like what you said just alittle bit ago about the
personal trauma, think of thoseas inward.
Those are things on the insideof you.
Maybe something happened inyour past that is a trigger for
(03:52):
you, like you put it, but thered flag is something that you
see outwardly.
That triggers that thinginwardly.
Speaker 3 (03:59):
Right, and you and I, we always laugh and joke and
say that everybody is a littlecrazy.
But you're crazy can't becombustible.
You're, you're crazy has tocomplement each other, and some
people are just you're not goingto be compatible.
Sometimes they're crazy andyou're crazy.
When you mix it together, it'sjust like a bomb, and so don't
(04:20):
ignore that.
That feeling of you know.
One of the things is importantto understand about
understanding the difference istrust the Holy Spirit inside of
you, trust that little voicethat's saying mm-mm, danger,
danger, like I always talk about.
When I saw Gil, it wassomething about him that made me
want to know more, and if it'ssomething that it's like, oh no,
(04:44):
mm-mm, right, right, somethingabout that person, don't make me
feel safe you don't sit don'tmake me feel good.
Hey, thanks for joining us.
Please share the video, pleaseshare, share, share um.
So if there is something aboutthem that makes you feel
uncomfortable, don't ignore that.
Listen to that, because if youignore that, then all the other
signs that you get you're goingto ignore those as well.
Speaker 1 (05:06):
Right, exactly so.
When you start dating someone,I think about this one, this
next one, this is talking aboutthe D and DUIs.
As far as dishonesty this wasnot me being dishonest.
I give you a real world example.
Speaker 3 (05:18):
We were dating.
Here we go, here we go.
Speaker 1 (05:20):
When we were dating, there was a guy that I was in
high school with and this personwas an entrepreneur and he was
really focused on trying to gethis business started and he had
bought a gas station and he haddecided to build this gas
station while he was still inhigh school and he needed help.
You know, and I remember, thisis a trigger for me.
(05:40):
This is a personal trauma.
This is a good example, and Iwas supposed to go on a date
with Renee and I was supposed tomeet up with her and I was late
.
I still met up with her, but Iwas late and at this time this
was post or pre cell phones andyou don't have the quick means
of communication or anythinglike that and what you tell your
(06:02):
side.
Why it was it trigger?
Speaker 3 (06:04):
Because I was used to people rejecting me.
I was used to people not doingwhat they said, and for so long,
Gil had always did what he said.
And so when he didn't do whathe said one time y'all hear me,
ladies he did what he said allthe time for months and months
and months.
Speaker 1 (06:20):
And so one time he didn't do what he said and I had
took everything we had and Ihad put it in a box and I was
going to break up with him forone, I would say even perceived
infraction, because it reallywas an infraction.
Yes, I was late.
Speaker 3 (06:36):
No, you just didn't come.
Speaker 1 (06:37):
You didn't make it.
Speaker 2 (06:38):
Oh yeah, that's right , yeah, you didn't.
Speaker 3 (06:41):
Let's set the record straight.
It was not that he just waslate.
Speaker 1 (06:45):
He did not arrive because he was but then I
provided the explanation to you.
I did not lack, I wasn't lying.
I didn't lack the transparency,but Renee had a trigger of
inconsistencies in people thatshe was in relationship with
prior to me.
That guess what.
That stirred up something onthe inside of her Like here we
(07:06):
go again.
Speaker 3 (07:07):
Yes, and so we have to be careful that when we see
something one time in someonethat has consistently showed us
something positive, that wedon't erase all of the good that
they did because of somethinginside of us.
Now, looking back on that now Ican tell you the reason why
that bothered me was because Iwas used to being rejected, I
(07:28):
was used to being lied to, I wasused to being disappointed.
But that wasn't Gil's fault,that was in me, right.
And so we have to always askourselves what do you see more
of?
Do you see them keeping theirword and doing what they say and
being a person of integrity,like we talk about being rich?
Are they resilient?
Do they have integrity?
(07:49):
Do they have compassion?
Do they walk in humility?
If they're doing that all thetime, right, and then one time
they are human, they drop theball.
They drop the ball and you areending a whole relationship.
So that would be more thanthat's not a red flag, that is a
personal trauma, personaltrauma.
Speaker 1 (08:10):
Now, personal trauma, like we're saying, personal
trauma triggers the red flags.
It's up to you to decide areyou going to pay attention to
the red flags and to beproactive with them in this?
Speaker 2 (08:19):
case, it wasn't that that was not a red flag.
Speaker 3 (08:22):
That was my personal trauma, reacting to you being
human.
And so we have to make surethat we're going to lead with
grace and understanding, because, you know we talk about a
woman's role is to submit and tohelp, and a man's role is to
lead and to love.
And so we have to make up inour mind what are we going to
lead with Right?
(08:43):
You know, I can't throw it inmy godmother's life, so you're
going to break up with himbecause of one thing Thank you
so much for the hearts and thelove.
We love you guys.
Speaker 1 (08:50):
Thanks for sharing, thanks for joining.
Speaker 3 (08:52):
Thank you so much.
We're so glad you're here.
Speaker 1 (08:54):
And that kind of spills into the you and when we
were growing up.
Good and bad experiences, pasthurts, feelings, pains all those
(09:15):
things that happen just asabout as we just live in life.
But if it's unresolved and thisthing comes into your present
relationship, this is someonewho has not tried to even
resolve these things or they'restill dwelling, still living in
the past.
How many times have you datedsomeone and you feel like you're
having to make up for someonethat came before you?
Yeah, Hmm, If that has happenedto you, give us a thumbs up.
(09:42):
And how do you deal with that?
How do you go through with itand say you know what, If this
is somebody I'm deciding tospend some time with, how can I
help them unpack some of thethings that they have unresolved
, some of the hurts, some of thepains, and this can take on any
shape.
It could be, just like you said, trauma, personal pain or
anything like that.
It can also be something thatis a little bit more serious,
(10:06):
you know, in the form ofaddictions and things like that
that we talked about in some ofthe other episodes.
But that's something that wewant to bring to light, that you
cannot ignore.
Speaker 3 (10:15):
It can be a red flag.
The biggest thing aboutunderstanding the difference
between the two is most of thethings that affect us in
relationship start with us.
It starts with the reflectionin the mirror.
And so when we can navigatethat well, if I know I'm human
and I'm frail and I'm gonna makemistakes and I'm gonna fall,
(10:36):
then guess what I'm gonna giveyou the same freedom to do that
right.
And so when you're just gettingto know someone, what normally
makes relationships in in thebeginning of the dating stage is
the red flags.
It's like, oh no, that persondon't keep their word.
That person they're not.
Speaker 1 (10:53):
They're not being 100 transparent and honest and
those types of things.
That's the deed, that's thedishonesty.
Speaker 3 (10:59):
Yeah and so a part of it is understanding that the
most important thing about thewhole dating relationship is
that it's discovery.
In the beginning of the datingit's just getting to know each
other, it's being curious, it'sasking questions and what's your
favorite color and who's yourfavorite family member?
I mean, that may seem trivial,but the longer the journey goes
(11:23):
in and the more you askquestions, the more you talk
about your childhood and yourpast.
You ain't got to go into yourdeep, dark secrets in the
beginning, but someone'swillingness to be vulnerable in
the beginning is going to letyou know if you should go
further.
Oh, absolutely, Someone'swillingness to not be vulnerable
.
They don't want to ask you noquestions.
(11:44):
They never make time for you.
That's not somebody that youwant to give your time and
attention to.
Right, you know, we have tomake sure that we don't ignore
the obvious things.
So the red flags are a big partof it.
But it's also and we talk aboutit it's so important that you
work on you as an individualbefore you get into a
(12:05):
relationship with somebody else,Because, if I don't know like,
I mean, we were 21.
I didn't know that.
Oh, we're still trying to figureout life yeah we still haven't
figured ourself out, and so,therefore, to bring another
person into that and to thinkyou're going to be able to know
how to do that, it's veryunrealistic and the grace of God
just covered us.
I can look back on that now andsay, oh, the reason why that
bothered me was this but at themoment I was in my feelings, and
(12:36):
so another part of helping youto unpack the pain of your past
is to have people in your lifethat you can go to, that love
God, love marriage and love bothof you enough to be honest with
you and, like we talked aboutback in the day, your family
were, or they were, a part ofthe process of you dating.
If you ignore the people whoknow you best and love you and
(12:56):
care about you, that's going tosend the message to the person
you're dating that you don'tlisten to the people that love
and know you the best.
So if you don't listen to them,that that opens you up for them
taking it, because it's like tome, there should be a certain
level of loyalty that you haveto the people who've always been
(13:17):
there that a person that justpopped on the scene shouldn't be
able to be, have access to andI think, even when we talk about
the unresolved things that are,as let's call it, baggage, and
the things that we've beentalking about tonight is, those
are top six in discussions thatyou should be having with the
people that you're in thisrelationship with right, because
that's the real part ofrelationships.
Speaker 1 (13:37):
You know it's fun to have activities and do things
that are fun and you enjoy eachother's company, but the time
that you are spending together,like Renee was talking about, is
the time that you should bediscovering the good and the bad
, because you don't want to knowabout it after you've walked
down the aisle, after you'vemade this long term commitment.
Then, all of a sudden, youstart finding out secrets, and
(13:59):
those secrets start coming outat the most inopportune time and
then you're wondering what didI miss?
Well, red flags, you got to payattention to them.
Speaker 3 (14:10):
And a part of it is because I think I was.
I was talking to someone and wewere talking about the way
these apps are.
You know, you go from high tohey, you're my soulmate, I just
met you.
I can't be your soulmate, Ican't be the person God did not
create me for you.
I don't know you, and so wehave to have enough on both
sides.
Men and women, you have to besober enough to know that
(14:34):
someone that just met you I mean, you may have chemistry, you
may have electricity, you mayhave lust, but you don't have
what it takes to make along-term decision about this
person and you just met them.
That takes time.
Speaker 1 (14:49):
Oh yeah, that takes seeing them in different seasons
and seeing them in differentsettings and seeing them around
different people, Because if youmeet someone in, they don't
want to be around you, or yourfamily or people who are
important to you, even if it'snot your family but someone who
has another type of influence,Not to say they're in control of
you but, they have a voice inyour life.
(15:10):
Those are the people that youreally want to say help me make
this decision.
You may not say it, actuallysoliciting help, but this is
someone that you are saying helpme make this person, this
choice.
That what am I missing?
You know, and then that's where, ultimately, it's going to be
up to you to decide if I'm goingto invest my time, effort and
energy in a long termrelationship, whether you walk
(15:31):
down the aisle or even date longterm.
But you have to listen to thepeople who are around you, the
good and the bad, and ultimately, yes, you're going to make the
decision, but don't try to holdothers responsible when your
picker is broke.
I'm just going to say it likethat.
When I say your picker is broke,if you keep finding yourself in
relationships and you keepgetting the same thing over and
(15:54):
over and over again and it endsbadly or it ends in a way that
you did not understand, theycall that being insane.
When you are doing the samething over and over and over and
thinking you're going to get adifferent result, you're insane.
So if you are doing the samething over and over and over and
think you're going to get adifferent result.
You're insane.
So if you are making badchoices, and bad decisions with
people that you are trying toestablish a long term
relationship with, and you keepseem like you're running in this
(16:16):
relationship circle, then maybeyou need to reevaluate and
start paying attention to thered flags that you see, because
you owe it to yourself.
Speaker 3 (16:25):
And sometimes and in that case that's not red flags,
that's unresolved trauma andpain, and a lot of it is
sometimes we're afraid to bealone.
You should like yourself enough, you should love yourself
enough that you enjoy your owncompany, and being by yourself
(16:45):
does not mean you're lonely.
Some of my closest friends andwe've known each other for years
.
They're like my sisters,they're like my family.
They're not married, butthey're also not thirsty.
They're also not oh my God, I'mso lonely, oh my gosh if I don't
get, Because marriage is notfor everyone and that's
understandable, and it's okay.
And that's understandable andit's okay.
(17:05):
It's okay because to think thatGod created you for another
person is very naive.
God created you for himselfFirst.
He created you for himself, hecreated you for a purpose, and
if this other person is going tohelp you fulfill that person,
that then hey great.
(17:26):
But if you're going to be withsomeone that's going to take you
off of your relationship, awayfrom your relationship with God
and away from your purpose, thenguess what?
That is a more than a red flag.
That is turn the other way andand and leave yeah, because you
you have to realize that God putyou in a family.
He gave you relationships thatyou had before you were in a
(17:49):
relationship with somebody else.
I would say your cousins arelike where you learn about
relationships.
Your cousins and your siblingsYou're practicing for how you're
going to be in a relationshipwith somebody else.
Speaker 1 (18:00):
And even the good and the bad, in that you know
everybody has different familymembers, that some you're close
to some, that you're not, that'sunderstandable.
That's just life, that's justbeing human.
But on the same token you haveto decide where am I going to
invest the time, effort andenergy into the relationships
that feed you and feed them.
It's a two-way street.
There should be reciprocity.
If you get heavy, if therelationship gets to the point
(18:22):
where you feel like you're theonly one doing the work and the
heavy lifting, like you're theonly one doing the work and the
heavy lifting, you're gonna gettired, absolutely because in
your humanness.
Speaker 2 (18:31):
We are not designed to carry another person no, no,
we.
Speaker 1 (18:33):
It should be reciprocal.
It should be things that youfeed into them and they feed
into you to help you walk outthis thing called life.
And then the last one we'regoing to talk about with red
flags, as far as when we talkabout duis.
If you just join us, thanks forhanging out with us on this
Saturday night.
Speaker 3 (18:47):
Good that you guys asked questions yeah.
Speaker 1 (18:49):
And then it's incompatible.
Incompatible values, values ifyour values are not lining up.
Let's just say it first andforemost we believe we are
followers of Christ.
That's what we build our lifeupon.
Everybody has their raising andthey can choose and decide
whichever path they want to walkon, but that's something that
is a staple in our life, right,jesus Christ?
(19:10):
What are the staples in yourlife and what are the values
that you hold true to be in arelationship?
And if that person that you'rewith is the polar opposite, or
maybe not going down that road,or even, let's just say, not
even interested in the thingsthat you are interested in when
it comes to your personal valuesand how you see things and how
you want to live your life?
(19:30):
Red flag, yeah.
Red flag, yeah.
Because if you are thinkingabout that, if it triggers
something for you I think about,we didn't grow up in church.
Speaker 3 (19:40):
We were both heathens .
Speaker 1 (19:43):
That's always so.
It's not funny that we wereheathens, but we weren, were
always in love with the Lord.
But now that we are, that issomething that can be mutually
attractive to the other personas well.
Let's just call it in today'svernacular They'll just say your
spirituality Well, ours justhappened to be Christ, right.
Speaker 3 (20:04):
Right, and a part of it is you should be attracted to
something other than their bodyparts and their features,
because that's going to fade andthat's going to change.
Like I said, when I saw Gil,there was something about him
that was like different and thatit was like, hmm, what is
(20:26):
something about him?
There should be somethinginside of you and, like I said,
we were not saved, we didn'tknow the Lord, but God
predestined for us all to have arelationship with him and
there's a mark on all of us.
He has a plan for all of us andso that light that he puts
inside of us, even if it's justa little bitty light, it's going
to be there.
And so I think that when we areconnected and we have, god has
(20:50):
a plan and a call in our life,that there's a way that we can
just discern things.
Don't ignore that, don't I?
Always, when people say, well,I'm dating so-and-so, I'm like
send me a picture, let me seetheir eyes.
You can look in people's eyesand see at least I can and see
darkness, and so that's why it'simportant to let other people
(21:12):
that know, love you respect, youcare about you be a part of the
process.
Now make sure these people arein healthy relationships,
because one of the things mygodmother told me is don't let
somebody who ain't got no mantell you how to keep yours.
Be careful that there.
Some people are just negative,some people are just miserable,
some people are just bitter.
We're not talking about goingto those people to help you with
(21:34):
the process, but it's peoplewho who love God, who who love
relationships, who love you andthe person that you you're
trying to get to know becauseyou need that.
Speaker 1 (21:44):
Because it's always amazing Do you have friends that
are in a good relationship, oror better?
Yet let's flip that People whoare not in a good relationship
telling you how to have someoneor how to be in a good
relationship?
No, they can't do it becausethey haven't achieved what they
talked about.
I think about my mom when wewere sitting at the table when
we first got together, and mymom was trying to explain to us
(22:07):
how to have a good marriage, andI stopped her right in the
middle of her sentence and saidmom, you didn't have a good
marriage, so how can you tell mehow to have one?
I wasn't being disrespectful.
My mom has taught me tocommunicate to her.
I was just speaking facts asthey say so, and she said you
know what you're right?
And Renee is sitting there likeoh my god.
Speaker 3 (22:26):
No, my mother would have slapped me in my face.
I didn't grow up in the samekind of house Gil grew up in but
that is the kind of thing thatwe're talking about.
Speaker 1 (22:32):
So make sure you're surrounding yourself and
listening and talking to peoplewho are on the path that you are
trying to be on.
You're going to have naysayers,you're going to have negative
people, you're going to havepeople who are not at a maturity
level that they can discuss andtalk about things on a from a
mature level.
Then guess what?
Let them be silly, let them begoofy, let them be clowning, but
(22:53):
what are you trying to achievefor yourself?
That's to me, that's a red flag, should be for a red flag for
you, but that's a personaltrauma that they have that
they're trying to get over,right?
So, and you have to be therefor them and be there, not
involved with them, but be thereto say you know what?
I'm going to pray for you.
You know, and even as peoplecome in here and they have
comments, we see the positivecomments and the ones that are
(23:15):
just silly and nonsense.
You know what you can put it inthere, that's fine.
That's why we're not giving itany airtime, because foolishness
doesn't doesn't even need to beaired.
Speaker 3 (23:24):
And you know a part of it is.
I'm sorry for your pain.
Because, when people, out of theabundance of the heart, the
mouth speaks, when you put acomment, it's a reflection of
your heart, and so we're goingto pray that God will continue
to help us to grow and that'swhy we're here.
We are here to help us to havehealthy, rich relationships, and
(23:45):
that takes having someone forso many years.
I felt like, well, you know, Igot married at 21 and you know
we've been married for over 35years.
Why should we talk to singles?
Because if you are singleseeking marriage, you need
somebody who got some receipts.
Everybody wants to talk aboutreceipts.
I see so many people talkingabout marriage and talking about
(24:05):
relationships and they'resingle.
We're not telling you what weread in a book.
We're not telling you what ourtraining is.
We're sharing with you thereality of working with couples
for 18 years, loving each otherand wanting to see people who
look like us win inrelationships, because so many
times we are showing andpromoting negativity and divorce
(24:32):
and foolishness and us decidinghow we can come up with the
rules to life.
God already did that, and so atthis place, in the Rich
(24:52):
Relationship Refuge, it is asafe place for people who want
to grow and thrive in God,honoring relationships.
I am not apologizing.
I am not asking for anyone'spermission.
If that is not what you'relooking for, there are billions
of channels on YouTube that canfeed you what you want to eat,
but here that's what we got atour table.
Speaker 1 (25:05):
That's what we're talking about.
So we appreciate you guyshanging out with us, so we put
it in in the comments if there'ssomething you want us to chime
in on or give feedback on or ifyou have, if you have something
that is positive and encouragingthat the community can benefit
from, by all means put it in thechat.
Speaker 3 (25:19):
We appreciate you guys hanging out with us and we
appreciate you guys puttingnonsense in there too because
it's entertaining.
Speaker 1 (25:25):
It is, it is.
I'm looking at some of them andI'm entertained.
Speaker 3 (25:29):
I'm glad you would say see, I don't have on glasses
.
So last week I had on glasses,so I saw it, and so I realized
that that is a part of this,because in the reality of the of
the world that we live in, itis so much easier to critique
than it is to create, and whatwe're doing is we're trying to
create something that's going tolast, and so I want to ask if
you have a situation that you'retrying to differentiate, is
(25:53):
this a red flag or is this apersonal trauma?
Put it in the chat, put it inthere Because we want to help,
because so many times peopledon't have anybody to go to,
they don't have anybody to talkto, maybe like, for us, our
parents are deceased, we don't,we can't go to our parents,
right, and so people most.
I feel like I learned a lotfrom people about what not to do
(26:14):
, and so I have a desire to helppeople know what to do, because
I didn't have that, you know,and I could have the attitude
well, I didn't get it, so forget, forget everybody else.
But I feel like, because God sorichly blesses my life and our
relationship, why would you notwant to share that with someone
else?
Speaker 1 (26:33):
And that's all we're trying to do.
You know, we could keep it toourselves and keep the things
that God has showed us and thathas been very beneficial to our
relationship.
We could be gatekeepers, but weknow we said God put it on our
heart to say you know what?
Do we have all the answers?
No, we'll tell you that, firstthing, we have a perfect
marriage, but do we have thingsthat we know can benefit someone
in a state in theirrelationship that needs to get
(26:55):
better or who just may not havethat experience or may not just
know or have someone to go to?
That's who we are here for.
So we appreciate you guyshanging out with us.
I know time flies, man.
It's already been almost 35minutes that we've been on here
and this is what we've beentrying to do is come on on a
Saturday night.
You know everybody's out doingtheir thing and all that kind of
(27:15):
stuff.
This is something that wepersonally enjoy doing and
coming and serving you all.
And by all means reach out toall the other channels and all
the other stuff that we put outthere, because we want to hear
from you.
You know, this is just a quickmoment in time that you can put
in some of the comments oranything that you want to say.
That can build up, encourageother people.
Speaker 3 (27:34):
Or even answer a question, because the only
questions that are not smartquestions are the ones you don't
ask and sometimes the questionsyou may have somebody else may
have.
Speaker 1 (27:45):
I love that.
Yeah, we talking about it, you,I, I'm gonna have to coin that
term.
Flag collector, red flagcollector oh my god, that's, oh,
that's like the blame thrower.
Speaker 3 (27:55):
Some people go through relationships.
They looking for red flags.
Well, guess what my godmothershould tell me?
You're gonna find what you'relooking for.
If you're going in arelationship looking for red
flags, don't date.
You still got pain if you're.
If all you're doing is lookingfor red flags, don't date.
You still got pain if you're.
Speaker 1 (28:08):
If all you're doing is looking for red flags, then
you have unpacked pain andunpacked trauma and that kind of
goes into something that we wehad a couple that we talked to
today and you're gonna see theirepisode next week yeah, we
won't be here next week.
No, live next week, guys therewas something that was said that
if the advice that they wantedto give and you'll hear next
(28:29):
week, but the crux of it was ifyou are looking for something
specific, write it down.
Look at everything that you'relooking for in this partner that
you want, whether it's to godown the aisle or just to be in
relationship with, and thencompare yourself to that list
and you become that list.
Speaker 3 (28:47):
Yeah, that's what the lord gave me when I was a
hairstylist, because everybodywould ask well, how do you know?
Write the list down, bespecific, and then you become
the list, because so many timeswe're demanding from somebody
else what we don't bring.
Speaker 1 (29:02):
Guess what you're gonna find what you are and then
, on top of that, like you said,being a flag collector, be
mindful of what are the thingsthat makes you collect those red
flags.
Look at them and say you knowwhat, why do I keep collecting
these red flags, what is it thatI'm missing?
And then don't ignore it.
And that's something thathopefully we gave you some of
(29:25):
the things to talk about, oreven to think about that can
help you on that journey to sayyou know what?
Dui, dishonesty, unresolvedbaggage and incompatible values.
Speaker 3 (29:37):
And how do you deal with unresolved trauma?
You need a therapist.
Hello, hello.
It is OK to love Jesus, beblack and have a therapist,
because sometimes you needsomebody to help you navigate
and dig up and unearth and beconfronted with baby.
(30:01):
You had 25 bad relationships.
It's only one you.
Speaker 1 (30:06):
One common denominator.
Speaker 3 (30:08):
And so and sometimes it takes somebody else who
doesn't know you to say that,and so we need to get rid of the
stigma of well, I'm a believerin Jesus and I speak in tongues
and I go to church, I ain'tgoing to no therapist.
Sometimes we need Jesus,medication and therapy and
(30:33):
therapy.
And that's okay, becausesometimes the things that have
hurt us are so deep and we burythem so far into us that we just
think, oh, that's normal,that's how everybody is.
Everybody is looking for redflags.
No, everybody is not lookingfor red flags.
Speaker 1 (30:42):
I'm giving a thumbs up because, like you said in
here, you got your list andthose red flags can help you
dodge bullets.
They can, they can.
That means you're payingattention to the things that you
see, you know and be mindfuland be praying for that person
to come across your path.
That is not a red flag, that issomething that can help you
just navigate life, and that'swhat it's all about.
Speaker 3 (31:01):
And the reason why we want to do this, because
sometimes we can be unrealistic,sometimes we can only look for
the negative, and sometimes thereason why we're like that.
Sometimes it's because we havea introverted, pessimistic
personality.
Sometimes it could be becausewe spent most of our life.
(31:23):
There's reasons why we are theway.
Some of it is the way we'rebent and wired, and some of this
because there's things that westill haven't really dealt with,
and so sometimes it's not readyto date, it's not time to date.
Sometimes you just need to dateyou, and when Gil was talking
about we believe that dating ispreparation for marriage.
I believe that you should datelike a spouse when you're single
(31:45):
, because dating is forever.
It's not just when you'resingle, you should date for the
rest of your life because, guesswhat, we still date each other.
And so it's teaching you how todate like a spouse and not date
like a side chick or a sidepiece as a man, because if
you're going into the dategiving away the most valuable
part of you, that's not going toproduce longevity.
(32:08):
Yep, you want to give them, youwant to discover and get to
know and be honest and, like yousaid, don't ignore the red flag
.
But if you immediately becomephysical, you're not going to be
able to be sober.
Speaker 1 (32:21):
Because that may be a red flag for you, yeah, or you
may be a red flag for them, yeah.
So we hope you guys gotsomething out of this Saturday
night live with the RichRelationship Ref.
So we hope you guys gotsomething out of this Saturday
night live with the richrelationship refuge.
We appreciate you guys, eventhe comments and the chat.
Speaker 3 (32:35):
Thank you and for sharing and for um liking
leaving comments.
We appreciate you guys.
We actually the podcast will beup on Monday for this and we
are just grateful that you guysare a part of our community.
We are so grateful we get.
We are just grateful that youguys are a part of our community
.
We are so grateful we get toserve you guys because we know,
like we said, we didn't havethis, we didn't have anybody we
(32:55):
can go to, we didn't haveanybody we can talk to, and so
for you single people lookingfor a safe place, we are here.
Speaker 1 (33:02):
So pay attention to them red flags and also
understand the traumas that youhave, and hopefully we've given
you some things to think aboutthat could actually help you
navigate.
Speaker 3 (33:10):
And if you look in the show notes, we have more
details, we have scriptures andwe have more it's more written
out.
So, and then our blog is up atrichelatiorreviewcom as well,
and our app.
If you have an Android phone,please, ma'am, please, sir, go
to the app store and download it, because we actually put out a
daily devotional and this wholemonth is geared towards singles
(33:33):
and we're going to alternatebetween one month will be all,
the devotions will be forsingles.
The next month it'll be for um,married couples, it'll be for
engaged couples.
So throughout the year we'regoing to have a daily devotion
because we realize you needsomething every day to help you
stay anchored, and for us that'sreading the and prayer, and so
we're going to make thatavailable.
So it's already up on thewebsite and it's on the app as
(33:54):
well.
Speaker 1 (33:55):
So we appreciate you guys.
Speaker 3 (33:56):
Remember guys, we are stronger together and we love
you and you are more than enough.
If you have questions, pleasereach out to us at
richrelationshiprefuge atgmailcom or at
helprichrelationshiprefuge com,or go to our website, rich
relationship refuge dot com.
And we love you and we're sograteful we get to serve you.
Guys are the best part of ourcommunity we'll see you guys
(34:18):
next week no, we won't see younext week.
We won't be live next weekbecause one of our couples is
getting married so we're gonna,you're gonna have the Jeffersons
next week, all right it won'tbe us, see you guys love you
guys.
See you guys week after next so,guys, we have a new way to
serve you.
Um, we have a mobile app.
(34:41):
Yes, we have a mobile app.
So if you have an android phoneright now, it's in the google
app store, because we want to beable to have you guys to have
help at your fingertips.
We want to be able to have youguys to have help at your
fingertips, we want to be ableto be in your pocket, because so
many times we go to differentplaces.
We go to apps to find a mate.
We go to apps to date.
(35:03):
We need to go to apps to learnhow to be the best version of
ourselves.
Before we find a mate, we needto find ourself.
Before we get a divorce, weneed to make sure we have a good
understanding of where we needto change.
Our app is called Rich RRMarriage Mentors.
Please go and purchase it.
(35:25):
It is $7.99.
Yes, $7.99.
And it helps us to help othercouples.
It helps us to take care of allthe things, and so it's such a
feeling of just gratitudebecause now we have a place
that's ours, y'all, it's ours.
(35:46):
It's our place, it's our littleplace that we can come and meet
and connect and grow and helpeach other.
So go to the Google App StoreRich Relationship, it's our
place, it's our little placethat we can come and meet and
connect and grow and help eachother.
So go to the Google App StoreRich Relationship is rich Our
marriage mentors and purchase itand tell your family and
friends and leave us a review,let us know what you think about
it.
Speaker 1 (36:03):
So thank you for listening.
Thank you for your investmentin time.
Remember to subscribe to theshow and hit the notification
icon to be notified when newepisodes are posted on the
podcast platform that you'relistening from.
Speaker 2 (36:16):
Or you can always find us on our website at
richrelationshipsuscom, or ourYouTube channel, rich
Relationships with Gil Renee.
If you found this podcasthelpful or you think it could
help someone that you know andcare about, please pass it along
and share it with them.
Welcome to the Rich Relationship Podcast with Gil
and Renee, where amazing thingshappen.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Our goal is to help build, prepare and restore
healthy relationships.
Speaker 3 (00:14):
But tonight we are really thankful for all of you
guys who watched and shared andwho are part of this community.
Tonight we are going to talkabout why rich couples don't
cheat.
I know you say that's a bold.
Speaker 1 (00:34):
All of a sudden, the person is not so positive and
they may come off as sarcastic,may come off as being
condescending, they may put youdown, not necessarily directly
saying oh, you are not this orthat, but it can come off kind
of on the sly.
Those are all indicators thatmaybe this is something that red
(00:57):
flag yeah, remember that redflag and it may come in
different shapes, differentforms, different ways or how
they actually.
But if it's not positive andencouraging and building you up,
consider that a part of thedishonesty, because everybody
puts their best face forward.
When you're dating, that's themost deceptive time in your
(01:17):
relationship, because you alwayswant to portray the best parts
of yourself.
And if you have indicators oryou've seen red flags that make
you go, hmm, that's somethingthat I don't like.
Speaker 3 (01:29):
I want to do this.
Speaker 1 (01:30):
Yeah, go ahead.
Speaker 3 (01:31):
So what's the difference between a red flag
and unhealed or unresolved,unpacked trauma?
I'm going to give you thedifference.
In most cases, a red flag issomething that you see in the
other person that goes againstyour values, your boundaries and
(01:54):
your goals.
Those are red flags, thingsthat you can see right away.
It's like, oh man, I likeindoors, he likes outdoors, or
I'm a believer, he's not abeliever.
Those are, those are red flags.
Unpacked pain or trauma issomething that you feel inside
(02:16):
when you're in their presence orwhen they do something or when
they say.
People like to call themtriggers or hot buttons.
So we have to be careful thatwe don't mistake a red flag, and
sometimes they can interlap andoverlap, but we want to be able
to differentiate between whatis a red flag, which is
(02:39):
something that I have to decide,what I'm going to do, moving
forward, or is this somethinginside of me that's making me
not be open to the process ofdating?
Because, because, becausedating is about the first thing
is getting to know the person.
Right before you can date, youneed to be doing some just
(03:01):
conversating and communicatingand just to see, because even in
the process of just vettingthis person, you may decide.
Speaker 1 (03:08):
I don't like him or and I don't like her and if you
think about those things thatare red flags, those are the
things that you are seeing.
That makes you think.
That makes you think, hey, thisis something that I need to be
paying attention to as I'mdeciding if this is somebody I
want to keep pursuing or keepgoing down that road with.
(03:29):
So it may look a little bitlike this Do they can try to
control your decisions andthings that you do, or how you
maybe dress, or how you mayinteract or try to?
And especially, what is?
I?
Like what you said just alittle bit ago about the
personal trauma, think of thoseas inward.
Those are things on the insideof you.
Maybe something happened inyour past that is a trigger for
(03:52):
you, like you put it, but thered flag is something that you
see outwardly.
That triggers that thinginwardly.
Speaker 3 (03:59):
Right, and you and I, we always laugh and joke and
say that everybody is a littlecrazy.
But you're crazy can't becombustible.
You're, you're crazy has tocomplement each other, and some
people are just you're not goingto be compatible.
Sometimes they're crazy andyou're crazy.
When you mix it together, it'sjust like a bomb, and so don't
(04:20):
ignore that.
That feeling of you know.
One of the things is importantto understand about
understanding the difference istrust the Holy Spirit inside of
you, trust that little voicethat's saying mm-mm, danger,
danger, like I always talk about.
When I saw Gil, it wassomething about him that made me
want to know more, and if it'ssomething that it's like, oh no,
(04:44):
mm-mm, right, right, somethingabout that person, don't make me
feel safe you don't sit don'tmake me feel good.
Hey, thanks for joining us.
Please share the video, pleaseshare, share, share um.
So if there is something aboutthem that makes you feel
uncomfortable, don't ignore that.
Listen to that, because if youignore that, then all the other
signs that you get you're goingto ignore those as well.
Speaker 1 (05:06):
Right, exactly so.
When you start dating someone,I think about this one, this
next one, this is talking aboutthe D and DUIs.
As far as dishonesty this wasnot me being dishonest.
I give you a real world example.
Speaker 3 (05:18):
We were dating.
Here we go, here we go.
Speaker 1 (05:20):
When we were dating, there was a guy that I was in
high school with and this personwas an entrepreneur and he was
really focused on trying to gethis business started and he had
bought a gas station and he haddecided to build this gas
station while he was still inhigh school and he needed help.
You know, and I remember, thisis a trigger for me.
(05:40):
This is a personal trauma.
This is a good example, and Iwas supposed to go on a date
with Renee and I was supposed tomeet up with her and I was late
.
I still met up with her, but Iwas late and at this time this
was post or pre cell phones andyou don't have the quick means
of communication or anythinglike that and what you tell your
(06:02):
side.
Why it was it trigger?
Speaker 3 (06:04):
Because I was used to people rejecting me.
I was used to people not doingwhat they said, and for so long,
Gil had always did what he said.
And so when he didn't do whathe said one time y'all hear me,
ladies he did what he said allthe time for months and months
and months.
Speaker 1 (06:20):
And so one time he didn't do what he said and I had
took everything we had and Ihad put it in a box and I was
going to break up with him forone, I would say even perceived
infraction, because it reallywas an infraction.
Yes, I was late.
Speaker 3 (06:36):
No, you just didn't come.
Speaker 1 (06:37):
You didn't make it.
Speaker 2 (06:38):
Oh yeah, that's right , yeah, you didn't.
Speaker 3 (06:41):
Let's set the record straight.
It was not that he just waslate.
Speaker 1 (06:45):
He did not arrive because he was but then I
provided the explanation to you.
I did not lack, I wasn't lying.
I didn't lack the transparency,but Renee had a trigger of
inconsistencies in people thatshe was in relationship with
prior to me.
That guess what.
That stirred up something onthe inside of her Like here we
(07:06):
go again.
Speaker 3 (07:07):
Yes, and so we have to be careful that when we see
something one time in someonethat has consistently showed us
something positive, that wedon't erase all of the good that
they did because of somethinginside of us.
Now, looking back on that now Ican tell you the reason why
that bothered me was because Iwas used to being rejected, I
(07:28):
was used to being lied to, I wasused to being disappointed.
But that wasn't Gil's fault,that was in me, right.
And so we have to always askourselves what do you see more
of?
Do you see them keeping theirword and doing what they say and
being a person of integrity,like we talk about being rich?
Are they resilient?
Do they have integrity?
(07:49):
Do they have compassion?
Do they walk in humility?
If they're doing that all thetime, right, and then one time
they are human, they drop theball.
They drop the ball and you areending a whole relationship.
So that would be more thanthat's not a red flag, that is a
personal trauma, personaltrauma.
Speaker 1 (08:10):
Now, personal trauma, like we're saying, personal
trauma triggers the red flags.
It's up to you to decide areyou going to pay attention to
the red flags and to beproactive with them in this?
Speaker 2 (08:19):
case, it wasn't that that was not a red flag.
Speaker 3 (08:22):
That was my personal trauma, reacting to you being
human.
And so we have to make surethat we're going to lead with
grace and understanding, because, you know we talk about a
woman's role is to submit and tohelp, and a man's role is to
lead and to love.
And so we have to make up inour mind what are we going to
lead with Right?
(08:43):
You know, I can't throw it inmy godmother's life, so you're
going to break up with himbecause of one thing Thank you
so much for the hearts and thelove.
We love you guys.
Speaker 1 (08:50):
Thanks for sharing, thanks for joining.
Speaker 3 (08:52):
Thank you so much.
We're so glad you're here.
Speaker 1 (08:54):
And that kind of spills into the you and when we
were growing up.
Good and bad experiences, pasthurts, feelings, pains all those
(09:15):
things that happen just asabout as we just live in life.
But if it's unresolved and thisthing comes into your present
relationship, this is someonewho has not tried to even
resolve these things or they'restill dwelling, still living in
the past.
How many times have you datedsomeone and you feel like you're
having to make up for someonethat came before you?
Yeah, Hmm, If that has happenedto you, give us a thumbs up.
(09:42):
And how do you deal with that?
How do you go through with itand say you know what, If this
is somebody I'm deciding tospend some time with, how can I
help them unpack some of thethings that they have unresolved
, some of the hurts, some of thepains, and this can take on any
shape.
It could be, just like you said, trauma, personal pain or
anything like that.
It can also be something thatis a little bit more serious,
(10:06):
you know, in the form ofaddictions and things like that
that we talked about in some ofthe other episodes.
But that's something that wewant to bring to light, that you
cannot ignore.
Speaker 3 (10:15):
It can be a red flag.
The biggest thing aboutunderstanding the difference
between the two is most of thethings that affect us in
relationship start with us.
It starts with the reflectionin the mirror.
And so when we can navigatethat well, if I know I'm human
and I'm frail and I'm gonna makemistakes and I'm gonna fall,
(10:36):
then guess what I'm gonna giveyou the same freedom to do that
right.
And so when you're just gettingto know someone, what normally
makes relationships in in thebeginning of the dating stage is
the red flags.
It's like, oh no, that persondon't keep their word.
That person they're not.
Speaker 1 (10:53):
They're not being 100 transparent and honest and
those types of things.
That's the deed, that's thedishonesty.
Speaker 3 (10:59):
Yeah and so a part of it is understanding that the
most important thing about thewhole dating relationship is
that it's discovery.
In the beginning of the datingit's just getting to know each
other, it's being curious, it'sasking questions and what's your
favorite color and who's yourfavorite family member?
I mean, that may seem trivial,but the longer the journey goes
(11:23):
in and the more you askquestions, the more you talk
about your childhood and yourpast.
You ain't got to go into yourdeep, dark secrets in the
beginning, but someone'swillingness to be vulnerable in
the beginning is going to letyou know if you should go
further.
Oh, absolutely, Someone'swillingness to not be vulnerable
.
They don't want to ask you noquestions.
(11:44):
They never make time for you.
That's not somebody that youwant to give your time and
attention to.
Right, you know, we have tomake sure that we don't ignore
the obvious things.
So the red flags are a big partof it.
But it's also and we talk aboutit it's so important that you
work on you as an individualbefore you get into a
(12:05):
relationship with somebody else,Because, if I don't know like,
I mean, we were 21.
I didn't know that.
Oh, we're still trying to figureout life yeah we still haven't
figured ourself out, and so,therefore, to bring another
person into that and to thinkyou're going to be able to know
how to do that, it's veryunrealistic and the grace of God
just covered us.
I can look back on that now andsay, oh, the reason why that
bothered me was this but at themoment I was in my feelings, and
(12:36):
so another part of helping youto unpack the pain of your past
is to have people in your lifethat you can go to, that love
God, love marriage and love bothof you enough to be honest with
you and, like we talked aboutback in the day, your family
were, or they were, a part ofthe process of you dating.
If you ignore the people whoknow you best and love you and
(12:56):
care about you, that's going tosend the message to the person
you're dating that you don'tlisten to the people that love
and know you the best.
So if you don't listen to them,that that opens you up for them
taking it, because it's like tome, there should be a certain
level of loyalty that you haveto the people who've always been
(13:17):
there that a person that justpopped on the scene shouldn't be
able to be, have access to andI think, even when we talk about
the unresolved things that are,as let's call it, baggage, and
the things that we've beentalking about tonight is, those
are top six in discussions thatyou should be having with the
people that you're in thisrelationship with right, because
that's the real part ofrelationships.
Speaker 1 (13:37):
You know it's fun to have activities and do things
that are fun and you enjoy eachother's company, but the time
that you are spending together,like Renee was talking about, is
the time that you should bediscovering the good and the bad
, because you don't want to knowabout it after you've walked
down the aisle, after you'vemade this long term commitment.
Then, all of a sudden, youstart finding out secrets, and
(13:59):
those secrets start coming outat the most inopportune time and
then you're wondering what didI miss?
Well, red flags, you got to payattention to them.
Speaker 3 (14:10):
And a part of it is because I think I was.
I was talking to someone and wewere talking about the way
these apps are.
You know, you go from high tohey, you're my soulmate, I just
met you.
I can't be your soulmate, Ican't be the person God did not
create me for you.
I don't know you, and so wehave to have enough on both
sides.
Men and women, you have to besober enough to know that
(14:34):
someone that just met you I mean, you may have chemistry, you
may have electricity, you mayhave lust, but you don't have
what it takes to make along-term decision about this
person and you just met them.
That takes time.
Speaker 1 (14:49):
Oh yeah, that takes seeing them in different seasons
and seeing them in differentsettings and seeing them around
different people, Because if youmeet someone in, they don't
want to be around you, or yourfamily or people who are
important to you, even if it'snot your family but someone who
has another type of influence,Not to say they're in control of
you but, they have a voice inyour life.
(15:10):
Those are the people that youreally want to say help me make
this decision.
You may not say it, actuallysoliciting help, but this is
someone that you are saying helpme make this person, this
choice.
That what am I missing?
You know, and then that's where, ultimately, it's going to be
up to you to decide if I'm goingto invest my time, effort and
energy in a long termrelationship, whether you walk
(15:31):
down the aisle or even date longterm.
But you have to listen to thepeople who are around you, the
good and the bad, and ultimately, yes, you're going to make the
decision, but don't try to holdothers responsible when your
picker is broke.
I'm just going to say it likethat.
When I say your picker is broke,if you keep finding yourself in
relationships and you keepgetting the same thing over and
(15:54):
over and over again and it endsbadly or it ends in a way that
you did not understand, theycall that being insane.
When you are doing the samething over and over and over and
thinking you're going to get adifferent result, you're insane.
So if you are doing the samething over and over and over and
think you're going to get adifferent result.
You're insane.
So if you are making badchoices, and bad decisions with
people that you are trying toestablish a long term
relationship with, and you keepseem like you're running in this
(16:16):
relationship circle, then maybeyou need to reevaluate and
start paying attention to thered flags that you see, because
you owe it to yourself.
Speaker 3 (16:25):
And sometimes and in that case that's not red flags,
that's unresolved trauma andpain, and a lot of it is
sometimes we're afraid to bealone.
You should like yourself enough, you should love yourself
enough that you enjoy your owncompany, and being by yourself
(16:45):
does not mean you're lonely.
Some of my closest friends andwe've known each other for years
.
They're like my sisters,they're like my family.
They're not married, butthey're also not thirsty.
They're also not oh my God, I'mso lonely, oh my gosh if I don't
get, Because marriage is notfor everyone and that's
understandable, and it's okay.
And that's understandable andit's okay.
(17:05):
It's okay because to think thatGod created you for another
person is very naive.
God created you for himselfFirst.
He created you for himself, hecreated you for a purpose, and
if this other person is going tohelp you fulfill that person,
that then hey great.
(17:26):
But if you're going to be withsomeone that's going to take you
off of your relationship, awayfrom your relationship with God
and away from your purpose, thenguess what?
That is a more than a red flag.
That is turn the other way andand and leave yeah, because you
you have to realize that God putyou in a family.
He gave you relationships thatyou had before you were in a
(17:49):
relationship with somebody else.
I would say your cousins arelike where you learn about
relationships.
Your cousins and your siblingsYou're practicing for how you're
going to be in a relationshipwith somebody else.
Speaker 1 (18:00):
And even the good and the bad, in that you know
everybody has different familymembers, that some you're close
to some, that you're not, that'sunderstandable.
That's just life, that's justbeing human.
But on the same token you haveto decide where am I going to
invest the time, effort andenergy into the relationships
that feed you and feed them.
It's a two-way street.
There should be reciprocity.
If you get heavy, if therelationship gets to the point
(18:22):
where you feel like you're theonly one doing the work and the
heavy lifting, like you're theonly one doing the work and the
heavy lifting, you're gonna gettired, absolutely because in
your humanness.
Speaker 2 (18:31):
We are not designed to carry another person no, no,
we.
Speaker 1 (18:33):
It should be reciprocal.
It should be things that youfeed into them and they feed
into you to help you walk outthis thing called life.
And then the last one we'regoing to talk about with red
flags, as far as when we talkabout duis.
If you just join us, thanks forhanging out with us on this
Saturday night.
Speaker 3 (18:47):
Good that you guys asked questions yeah.
Speaker 1 (18:49):
And then it's incompatible.
Incompatible values, values ifyour values are not lining up.
Let's just say it first andforemost we believe we are
followers of Christ.
That's what we build our lifeupon.
Everybody has their raising andthey can choose and decide
whichever path they want to walkon, but that's something that
is a staple in our life, right,jesus Christ?
(19:10):
What are the staples in yourlife and what are the values
that you hold true to be in arelationship?
And if that person that you'rewith is the polar opposite, or
maybe not going down that road,or even, let's just say, not
even interested in the thingsthat you are interested in when
it comes to your personal valuesand how you see things and how
you want to live your life?
(19:30):
Red flag, yeah.
Red flag, yeah.
Because if you are thinkingabout that, if it triggers
something for you I think about,we didn't grow up in church.
Speaker 3 (19:40):
We were both heathens .
Speaker 1 (19:43):
That's always so.
It's not funny that we wereheathens, but we weren, were
always in love with the Lord.
But now that we are, that issomething that can be mutually
attractive to the other personas well.
Let's just call it in today'svernacular They'll just say your
spirituality Well, ours justhappened to be Christ, right.
Speaker 3 (20:04):
Right, and a part of it is you should be attracted to
something other than their bodyparts and their features,
because that's going to fade andthat's going to change.
Like I said, when I saw Gil,there was something about him
that was like different and thatit was like, hmm, what is
(20:26):
something about him?
There should be somethinginside of you and, like I said,
we were not saved, we didn'tknow the Lord, but God
predestined for us all to have arelationship with him and
there's a mark on all of us.
He has a plan for all of us andso that light that he puts
inside of us, even if it's justa little bitty light, it's going
to be there.
And so I think that when we areconnected and we have, god has
(20:50):
a plan and a call in our life,that there's a way that we can
just discern things.
Don't ignore that, don't I?
Always, when people say, well,I'm dating so-and-so, I'm like
send me a picture, let me seetheir eyes.
You can look in people's eyesand see at least I can and see
darkness, and so that's why it'simportant to let other people
(21:12):
that know, love you respect, youcare about you be a part of the
process.
Now make sure these people arein healthy relationships,
because one of the things mygodmother told me is don't let
somebody who ain't got no mantell you how to keep yours.
Be careful that there.
Some people are just negative,some people are just miserable,
some people are just bitter.
We're not talking about goingto those people to help you with
(21:34):
the process, but it's peoplewho who love God, who who love
relationships, who love you andthe person that you you're
trying to get to know becauseyou need that.
Speaker 1 (21:44):
Because it's always amazing Do you have friends that
are in a good relationship, oror better?
Yet let's flip that People whoare not in a good relationship
telling you how to have someoneor how to be in a good
relationship?
No, they can't do it becausethey haven't achieved what they
talked about.
I think about my mom when wewere sitting at the table when
we first got together, and mymom was trying to explain to us
(22:07):
how to have a good marriage, andI stopped her right in the
middle of her sentence and saidmom, you didn't have a good
marriage, so how can you tell mehow to have one?
I wasn't being disrespectful.
My mom has taught me tocommunicate to her.
I was just speaking facts asthey say so, and she said you
know what you're right?
And Renee is sitting there likeoh my god.
Speaker 3 (22:26):
No, my mother would have slapped me in my face.
I didn't grow up in the samekind of house Gil grew up in but
that is the kind of thing thatwe're talking about.
Speaker 1 (22:32):
So make sure you're surrounding yourself and
listening and talking to peoplewho are on the path that you are
trying to be on.
You're going to have naysayers,you're going to have negative
people, you're going to havepeople who are not at a maturity
level that they can discuss andtalk about things on a from a
mature level.
Then guess what?
Let them be silly, let them begoofy, let them be clowning, but
(22:53):
what are you trying to achievefor yourself?
That's to me, that's a red flag, should be for a red flag for
you, but that's a personaltrauma that they have that
they're trying to get over,right?
So, and you have to be therefor them and be there, not
involved with them, but be thereto say you know what?
I'm going to pray for you.
You know, and even as peoplecome in here and they have
comments, we see the positivecomments and the ones that are
(23:15):
just silly and nonsense.
You know what you can put it inthere, that's fine.
That's why we're not giving itany airtime, because foolishness
doesn't doesn't even need to beaired.
Speaker 3 (23:24):
And you know a part of it is.
I'm sorry for your pain.
Because, when people, out of theabundance of the heart, the
mouth speaks, when you put acomment, it's a reflection of
your heart, and so we're goingto pray that God will continue
to help us to grow and that'swhy we're here.
We are here to help us to havehealthy, rich relationships, and
(23:45):
that takes having someone forso many years.
I felt like, well, you know, Igot married at 21 and you know
we've been married for over 35years.
Why should we talk to singles?
Because if you are singleseeking marriage, you need
somebody who got some receipts.
Everybody wants to talk aboutreceipts.
I see so many people talkingabout marriage and talking about
(24:05):
relationships and they'resingle.
We're not telling you what weread in a book.
We're not telling you what ourtraining is.
We're sharing with you thereality of working with couples
for 18 years, loving each otherand wanting to see people who
look like us win inrelationships, because so many
times we are showing andpromoting negativity and divorce
(24:32):
and foolishness and us decidinghow we can come up with the
rules to life.
God already did that, and so atthis place, in the Rich
(24:52):
Relationship Refuge, it is asafe place for people who want
to grow and thrive in God,honoring relationships.
I am not apologizing.
I am not asking for anyone'spermission.
If that is not what you'relooking for, there are billions
of channels on YouTube that canfeed you what you want to eat,
but here that's what we got atour table.
Speaker 1 (25:05):
That's what we're talking about.
So we appreciate you guyshanging out with us, so we put
it in in the comments if there'ssomething you want us to chime
in on or give feedback on or ifyou have, if you have something
that is positive and encouragingthat the community can benefit
from, by all means put it in thechat.
Speaker 3 (25:19):
We appreciate you guys hanging out with us and we
appreciate you guys puttingnonsense in there too because
it's entertaining.
Speaker 1 (25:25):
It is, it is.
I'm looking at some of them andI'm entertained.
Speaker 3 (25:29):
I'm glad you would say see, I don't have on glasses
.
So last week I had on glasses,so I saw it, and so I realized
that that is a part of this,because in the reality of the of
the world that we live in, itis so much easier to critique
than it is to create, and whatwe're doing is we're trying to
create something that's going tolast, and so I want to ask if
you have a situation that you'retrying to differentiate, is
(25:53):
this a red flag or is this apersonal trauma?
Put it in the chat, put it inthere Because we want to help,
because so many times peopledon't have anybody to go to,
they don't have anybody to talkto, maybe like, for us, our
parents are deceased, we don't,we can't go to our parents,
right, and so people most.
I feel like I learned a lotfrom people about what not to do
(26:14):
, and so I have a desire to helppeople know what to do, because
I didn't have that, you know,and I could have the attitude
well, I didn't get it, so forget, forget everybody else.
But I feel like, because God sorichly blesses my life and our
relationship, why would you notwant to share that with someone
else?
Speaker 1 (26:33):
And that's all we're trying to do.
You know, we could keep it toourselves and keep the things
that God has showed us and thathas been very beneficial to our
relationship.
We could be gatekeepers, but weknow we said God put it on our
heart to say you know what?
Do we have all the answers?
No, we'll tell you that, firstthing, we have a perfect
marriage, but do we have thingsthat we know can benefit someone
in a state in theirrelationship that needs to get
(26:55):
better or who just may not havethat experience or may not just
know or have someone to go to?
That's who we are here for.
So we appreciate you guyshanging out with us.
I know time flies, man.
It's already been almost 35minutes that we've been on here
and this is what we've beentrying to do is come on on a
Saturday night.
You know everybody's out doingtheir thing and all that kind of
(27:15):
stuff.
This is something that wepersonally enjoy doing and
coming and serving you all.
And by all means reach out toall the other channels and all
the other stuff that we put outthere, because we want to hear
from you.
You know, this is just a quickmoment in time that you can put
in some of the comments oranything that you want to say.
That can build up, encourageother people.
Speaker 3 (27:34):
Or even answer a question, because the only
questions that are not smartquestions are the ones you don't
ask and sometimes the questionsyou may have somebody else may
have.
Speaker 1 (27:45):
I love that.
Yeah, we talking about it, you,I, I'm gonna have to coin that
term.
Flag collector, red flagcollector oh my god, that's, oh,
that's like the blame thrower.
Speaker 3 (27:55):
Some people go through relationships.
They looking for red flags.
Well, guess what my godmothershould tell me?
You're gonna find what you'relooking for.
If you're going in arelationship looking for red
flags, don't date.
You still got pain if you're.
If all you're doing is lookingfor red flags, don't date.
You still got pain if you're.
Speaker 1 (28:08):
If all you're doing is looking for red flags, then
you have unpacked pain andunpacked trauma and that kind of
goes into something that we wehad a couple that we talked to
today and you're gonna see theirepisode next week yeah, we
won't be here next week.
No, live next week, guys therewas something that was said that
if the advice that they wantedto give and you'll hear next
(28:29):
week, but the crux of it was ifyou are looking for something
specific, write it down.
Look at everything that you'relooking for in this partner that
you want, whether it's to godown the aisle or just to be in
relationship with, and thencompare yourself to that list
and you become that list.
Speaker 3 (28:47):
Yeah, that's what the lord gave me when I was a
hairstylist, because everybodywould ask well, how do you know?
Write the list down, bespecific, and then you become
the list, because so many timeswe're demanding from somebody
else what we don't bring.
Speaker 1 (29:02):
Guess what you're gonna find what you are and then
, on top of that, like you said,being a flag collector, be
mindful of what are the thingsthat makes you collect those red
flags.
Look at them and say you knowwhat, why do I keep collecting
these red flags, what is it thatI'm missing?
And then don't ignore it.
And that's something thathopefully we gave you some of
(29:25):
the things to talk about, oreven to think about that can
help you on that journey to sayyou know what?
Dui, dishonesty, unresolvedbaggage and incompatible values.
Speaker 3 (29:37):
And how do you deal with unresolved trauma?
You need a therapist.
Hello, hello.
It is OK to love Jesus, beblack and have a therapist,
because sometimes you needsomebody to help you navigate
and dig up and unearth and beconfronted with baby.
(30:01):
You had 25 bad relationships.
It's only one you.
Speaker 1 (30:06):
One common denominator.
Speaker 3 (30:08):
And so and sometimes it takes somebody else who
doesn't know you to say that,and so we need to get rid of the
stigma of well, I'm a believerin Jesus and I speak in tongues
and I go to church, I ain'tgoing to no therapist.
Sometimes we need Jesus,medication and therapy and
(30:33):
therapy.
And that's okay, becausesometimes the things that have
hurt us are so deep and we burythem so far into us that we just
think, oh, that's normal,that's how everybody is.
Everybody is looking for redflags.
No, everybody is not lookingfor red flags.
Speaker 1 (30:42):
I'm giving a thumbs up because, like you said in
here, you got your list andthose red flags can help you
dodge bullets.
They can, they can.
That means you're payingattention to the things that you
see, you know and be mindfuland be praying for that person
to come across your path.
That is not a red flag, that issomething that can help you
just navigate life, and that'swhat it's all about.
Speaker 3 (31:01):
And the reason why we want to do this, because
sometimes we can be unrealistic,sometimes we can only look for
the negative, and sometimes thereason why we're like that.
Sometimes it's because we havea introverted, pessimistic
personality.
Sometimes it could be becausewe spent most of our life.
(31:23):
There's reasons why we are theway.
Some of it is the way we'rebent and wired, and some of this
because there's things that westill haven't really dealt with,
and so sometimes it's not readyto date, it's not time to date.
Sometimes you just need to dateyou, and when Gil was talking
about we believe that dating ispreparation for marriage.
I believe that you should datelike a spouse when you're single
(31:45):
, because dating is forever.
It's not just when you'resingle, you should date for the
rest of your life because, guesswhat, we still date each other.
And so it's teaching you how todate like a spouse and not date
like a side chick or a sidepiece as a man, because if
you're going into the dategiving away the most valuable
part of you, that's not going toproduce longevity.
(32:08):
Yep, you want to give them, youwant to discover and get to
know and be honest and, like yousaid, don't ignore the red flag
.
But if you immediately becomephysical, you're not going to be
able to be sober.
Speaker 1 (32:21):
Because that may be a red flag for you, yeah, or you
may be a red flag for them, yeah.
So we hope you guys gotsomething out of this Saturday
night live with the RichRelationship Ref.
So we hope you guys gotsomething out of this Saturday
night live with the richrelationship refuge.
We appreciate you guys, eventhe comments and the chat.
Speaker 3 (32:35):
Thank you and for sharing and for um liking
leaving comments.
We appreciate you guys.
We actually the podcast will beup on Monday for this and we
are just grateful that you guysare a part of our community.
We are so grateful we get.
We are just grateful that youguys are a part of our community
.
We are so grateful we get toserve you guys because we know,
like we said, we didn't havethis, we didn't have anybody we
(32:55):
can go to, we didn't haveanybody we can talk to, and so
for you single people lookingfor a safe place, we are here.
Speaker 1 (33:02):
So pay attention to them red flags and also
understand the traumas that youhave, and hopefully we've given
you some things to think aboutthat could actually help you
navigate.
Speaker 3 (33:10):
And if you look in the show notes, we have more
details, we have scriptures andwe have more it's more written
out.
So, and then our blog is up atrichelatiorreviewcom as well,
and our app.
If you have an Android phone,please, ma'am, please, sir, go
to the app store and download it, because we actually put out a
daily devotional and this wholemonth is geared towards singles
(33:33):
and we're going to alternatebetween one month will be all,
the devotions will be forsingles.
The next month it'll be for um,married couples, it'll be for
engaged couples.
So throughout the year we'regoing to have a daily devotion
because we realize you needsomething every day to help you
stay anchored, and for us that'sreading the and prayer, and so
we're going to make thatavailable.
So it's already up on thewebsite and it's on the app as
(33:54):
well.
Speaker 1 (33:55):
So we appreciate you guys.
Speaker 3 (33:56):
Remember guys, we are stronger together and we love
you and you are more than enough.
If you have questions, pleasereach out to us at
richrelationshiprefuge atgmailcom or at
helprichrelationshiprefuge com,or go to our website, rich
relationship refuge dot com.
And we love you and we're sograteful we get to serve you.
Guys are the best part of ourcommunity we'll see you guys
(34:18):
next week no, we won't see younext week.
We won't be live next weekbecause one of our couples is
getting married so we're gonna,you're gonna have the Jeffersons
next week, all right it won'tbe us, see you guys love you
guys.
See you guys week after next so,guys, we have a new way to
serve you.
Um, we have a mobile app.
(34:41):
Yes, we have a mobile app.
So if you have an android phoneright now, it's in the google
app store, because we want to beable to have you guys to have
help at your fingertips.
We want to be able to have youguys to have help at your
fingertips, we want to be ableto be in your pocket, because so
many times we go to differentplaces.
We go to apps to find a mate.
We go to apps to date.
(35:03):
We need to go to apps to learnhow to be the best version of
ourselves.
Before we find a mate, we needto find ourself.
Before we get a divorce, weneed to make sure we have a good
understanding of where we needto change.
Our app is called Rich RRMarriage Mentors.
Please go and purchase it.
(35:25):
It is $7.99.
Yes, $7.99.
And it helps us to help othercouples.
It helps us to take care of allthe things, and so it's such a
feeling of just gratitudebecause now we have a place
that's ours, y'all, it's ours.
(35:46):
It's our place, it's our littleplace that we can come and meet
and connect and grow and helpeach other.
So go to the Google App StoreRich Relationship, it's our
place, it's our little placethat we can come and meet and
connect and grow and help eachother.
So go to the Google App StoreRich Relationship is rich Our
marriage mentors and purchase itand tell your family and
friends and leave us a review,let us know what you think about
it.
Speaker 1 (36:03):
So thank you for listening.
Thank you for your investmentin time.
Remember to subscribe to theshow and hit the notification
icon to be notified when newepisodes are posted on the
podcast platform that you'relistening from.
Speaker 2 (36:16):
Or you can always find us on our website at
richrelationshipsuscom, or ourYouTube channel, rich
Relationships with Gil Renee.
If you found this podcasthelpful or you think it could
help someone that you know andcare about, please pass it along
and share it with them.
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