May 19, 2025 • 28 mins
The deepening influence of social media, technology, and worldly values on children has created unprecedented challenges for parents trying to raise kids with strong spiritual foundations. In this eye-opening conversation, licensed mental health therapist's Valerie Peterson and Joy Makala share transformative insights on positive parenting through a biblical lens.
Joy begins by addressing a fundamental truth many parents overlook—we naturally parent as we were parented, unless we intentionally choose a different path. Rather than relying on societal messages, she points to Scripture as the ultimate parenting manual, emphasizing that parents must position themselves as their children's primary spiritual influencers in a world full of competing voices.
Prayer emerges as the cornerstone of effective parenting throughout the discussion. Joy encourages parents to "get on their knees" to seek divine guidance for their children's unique journeys, sharing powerful perspectives on how spiritual intervention provides wisdom beyond human capability. She and host Valerie Peterson explore practical ways families can document prayer requests together, allowing children to witness God's faithfulness firsthand.
The conversation offers refreshingly practical strategies for creating meaningful family connections in our digital age. From establishing "low-tech, no-tech" times to creating dedicated family nights and meal times, listeners gain actionable steps for fostering genuine relationships. Joy's insight that "boundaries communicate love" provides a compassionate framework for setting limits that protect children's long-term wellbeing.
Perhaps most counter-cultural is Joy's emphasis on prioritizing the marriage relationship over parent-child relationships. "The greatest gift parents can give children is a strong marriage," she explains, challenging the child-centered approach prevalent in today's society. This foundation of family stability requires intentional effort but yields profound benefits.
The episode concludes with a heartfelt encouragement to find community support through mentorship, small groups, and church involvement. No parent should attempt this challenging journey alone—the corporate anointing of spiritual community provides refreshment and strength for every season of parenting.
For more information contact us at
rtrdestiny@gmail.com
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Road to Redemption, a show sharing
powerful life testimonies,giving hope to those on their
own road to redemption.
Welcome.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
This is Road to Redemption, and I'm Valerie
Peterson.
I'm glad you've joined us today.
We have an amazing guest withus.
We have Joy Makala.
She's a licensed mental healththerapist, she is a school
psychologist and also she is theowner of True Joy Counseling in
(00:29):
Niceville, florida.
Speaker 3 (00:30):
Welcome, joy, thanks for having me, valerie, so glad
you're here.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
And is this fun, or what?
Speaker 3 (00:37):
We've been doing this a while, haven't we, my friend?
Speaker 2 (00:41):
And we've just been in the same field.
We love to talk and look at theissues today that need to be
addressed, and today we're goingto be talking about positive
parenting.
Everyone needs just tips forpositive parenting, and so you
know John Martin and I weretalking about you'd be the
(01:03):
perfect person to have on.
We had Joy on in November andwe did a show on dealing with
holiday stress.
We needed you there, girl.
We all need that.
We all need that.
So let's start.
If you could say, well, I wantto start and say I look at,
(01:24):
parenting is the most difficultjob and no training manual.
Speaker 1 (01:29):
When a baby is born.
Speaker 2 (01:31):
There's no training manual in the hospital room.
What happens is we tend to movetowards right.
Joy, yes, what we saw growingup, Absolutely Until we have
some healing in maybe some areasthat were not so good.
Speaker 3 (01:46):
Right, absolutely right.
We parent the way we wereparented.
That's all we saw.
That was the role model, as yousaid.
That's what we see, and if wedon't do it that way, sometimes
we do what society shows us todo, and that's not always great
either.
The manual I like to remindparents when we're doing
counseling is the Bible.
(02:06):
The Bible tells us a lot ofgreat parenting tips.
Yes, I hope we can talk aboutsome of that today?
Speaker 2 (02:12):
We sure can.
And to start, what would yousay to the person listening in
is your biggest concern in whatyou do for a living?
What would be your biggestconcern as a therapist working?
Speaker 3 (02:25):
with families.
I think it's not only mybiggest concern as a licensed
mental health counselor, but myconcern at just living on earth
is the influence of peers.
Other parents that maybehaven't figured it out aren't as
godly as we'd like, that don'thave the same family values,
(02:46):
aren't as godly as we'd likethat don't have the same family
values.
Social media there's so muchout there that influences our
children, our teens, our youngadults.
That isn't from God, isn'tgodly, isn't from the Bible,
isn't spiritual.
So the influence of that is mygreatest concern.
Speaker 2 (03:04):
Yeah, and I think about when we grew up.
There were no, there was nosocial influences, None.
And tell me, we did a showyears ago on helicopter
parenting.
It was such a good show, but wekind of compared it to the 70s
(03:26):
and what it's like today sodifferent.
Speaker 3 (03:29):
Parenting was so different the free range
parenting what we call right.
You send your kids outside play, come back when it gets dark,
when you see the street lightson.
Now we don't let them walk tothe end of the street to stand
for the bus to come and pickthem up.
Speaker 2 (03:43):
So what would you say to the parent that really
struggles with helicopterparenting today?
Speaker 3 (03:50):
I think, trust God.
You and I've talked about thisso much.
Right, we don't know the plan,the purpose for that child.
So we've said get on your knees, pray, pray for that
intervention, that spiritualword of what is the plan, and
then trust.
Trust, god's grace and goodness, that there is a plan for this
(04:12):
child and it will be a good plan.
We're promised, right, thescripture promises us as parents
and people that there will be agood plan.
Speaker 2 (04:22):
You know this is my perspective, but the greatest
gift we can give our kids, beingparents, is to get on our knees
.
Yes, because God Almighty knowsfar more than we could ever
know about our children.
We may have three children, wemay have five children, you may
have one child, but think aboutJeremiah 1.5.
(04:43):
Before I knit you in yourmother's womb, I knew you Psalm
137, that he was the one thatweaved each of us together in
our mother's womb.
We're fearfully and wonderfullymade.
Parents need to get.
The plan has already been setfor that child.
So we need God's mind and cleardirection on how to raise them.
(05:06):
So I love in 2 Corinthians 12,where it says my grace is
sufficient.
In my weakness he is mystrength.
Therefore, when I am weak, thenI am strong.
Do we dare to go to him whenwe're like I don't know what to
do with this child, I just don'tknow what?
Speaker 3 (05:25):
to do and we've been there?
We've been there, haven't youand I?
We've raised children.
We've been there.
We know that, beyond what we'reable to do humanly, we need
that spiritual intervention.
We talk about mental healthinterventions all the time right
, that's what we do for a livingRight.
Talk about mental healthinterventions all the time right
, that's what we do for a livingright.
(05:46):
But that spiritual interventiononly comes when we're on our
knees in prayer, incollaboration with the Holy
Spirit.
Speaker 2 (05:56):
And parents need to get.
There's no greater forceSomeone said this, claire Ogle
said this to Jeff and I yearsago there's no greater force
than a mom and dad comingtogether in agreement for their
children, even more than if onethe husband and the wife, went
to their minister, because thereis the covenant before God, but
(06:21):
covenant as a married couple.
Speaker 3 (06:23):
But think about what happens in business.
Valerie, right, we gocorporately together, we have a
corporate view, a corporatevision.
Our family can be thatcorporation and come in
corporately together and pray,right, yes, pray together with
that covenant and that corporateview of collaboration with the
(06:45):
Holy Spirit Powerful.
Speaker 2 (06:47):
Powerful.
You know, I look at the verseone will put a thousand to
flight, but two will put 10,000to flight.
Maybe you're a single mom.
Can you find another mom thatreally wants to work on being
even a better mom, because weall have room to grow?
He's the one that will continueto do a good work in us until
(07:09):
the day we meet.
He meets us, we meet him faceto face.
So we, if you have someone youcan come in agreement and pray
with, or a small group of momsthat really want to work on
being a better mom, he, it'spowerful.
Speaker 3 (07:23):
It is incredibly powerful.
But then even think when thekids are old enough and, where
appropriate, include them inthat corporate prayer as part of
the family Right, get them ontheir knees with the parents.
Hey, we're struggling with this.
Go to God, Be vulnerable asparents Again in an appropriate,
age-appropriate way.
I love it.
Speaker 2 (07:44):
I always say that healthy families do talk, do
trust, do feel, do hug and doresolve, and so I love it that
you're saying, as a family,share with them age appropriate.
Hey, we're going through this.
Let's all pray about it.
Speaker 3 (08:03):
That's powerful, absolutely.
It gives them a glimpse intoand then gets them out of that
perfectionism.
That's powerful, absolutely.
It gives them a glimpse intoand then gets them out of that
perfectionism.
Society's already posting andtweeting and all the things on
social media about these perfectparents or perfect families or
perfect people and we know we'renot that so at a family level
coming in and saying we need topray about this financial
(08:24):
situation.
Again, age appropriate we can'tstress that enough right Age
appropriate, for we're havingthis financial struggle and we
can't send you to that.
You know, thousands of dollarsworth of kids camps over the
summer.
But the kids can be part ofthat corporate prayer and make
it very, very powerful.
Speaker 2 (08:43):
I love in Stormy O'Martin's book the Power of the
Praying Parent.
She talks about just whatyou're saying and even writing
down, as a family, your prayerrequests.
Yes, and so your kids can seethat God is answering prayer.
Now I remember doing this withmy.
I have to share with you, soeach child I would individually.
(09:05):
We would sit down in the falland write down our prayer
requests for them and it was sofunny, like in church, joy, they
would go.
They knew that that was in theback of my journal and I just
remember Mitch going Mom, mom,god answered that.
You've got it right there whenit was answered they're on the
(09:25):
lookout.
They're on the lookout that Godis faithful and it's a way to
look back when you write downyour prayer request with your
children to say he is faithful.
It's good for them to see thatright it is.
Speaker 3 (09:38):
And what you're doing in that, valerie, is
influencing them right.
When we're talking about socialmedia and we're talking about
all these social influencers,don't we want to be the first
influencer and the largestinfluencer, so that what you
just described, it ties ittogether, of being the spiritual
(09:59):
influencer of your child's life?
Love it Right.
Demonstrating prayer, prayerjournals, prayers answered.
You're influencing themprayerfully, beyond what society
is influencing them.
Speaker 2 (10:14):
And I want to say, if you haven't read Stormy
O'Martin's book, get that book,the Power of the Praying Parent,
along with, if you have adultchildren, grab her book on adult
children.
You know, raising Adult andPraying for Adult Children, both
of them are so good.
Yes, what do you say to theparent that is struggling with
(10:34):
being on his or her phone allthe time?
Speaker 3 (10:37):
The parents on the phone or the child's on the
phone.
No, no, the parent.
Oh, low tech, no tech time.
I mean whether it's dinner time, meal time, family time, prayer
time.
Right, insisting on lowtechnology or no technology time
, it's got to happen.
That's the only way humanconnection is going to happen.
When we get the screen out fromin between us, so good.
Speaker 2 (11:01):
You know, I just recently was talking to a couple
and the husband said you know,to his wife, I feel you're
distracted, I feel that there'ssomething else in between us as
a family, and she was willingjust to put her phone away at
night.
They came up with a corporatetime that they were all going to
(11:24):
put their phones down and dosomething as a family.
Speaker 3 (11:27):
I thought that was just, and that leads to another
positive parenting tip I have Imade my kids put the charging
station for their phones in mybedroom at night and charging
station, all three of them.
They had their own plugs linethem up.
We're talking tablets, cellphones, laptops, any.
We're talking tablets, cellphones, laptops, any.
(11:47):
Again, low-tech, no-tech,because no technology is needed
at night.
You know we get the excuse of,but mom, I use it for the alarm
clock.
I can buy an alarm clock, right, we don't need a phone in there
for alarm clock, but again, itdisturbs their sleep.
They're checking if they're.
(12:10):
Again, families don't have thesame rules that I have in my
house and their kids are textingmy kids or no?
We we were able to eliminateall of that and having that um,
low tech, no tech time,especially at bedtime I love
that.
Speaker 2 (12:21):
I love it.
I have this memory of walkingthe beach, you know, just
walking the beach and and therewas a sweet man and daughter
about five years old.
They were walking the beach,coming towards me and you could
tell he was on a business calland they walked by me and I
walked pretty far, turned backaround, they walked by me again
(12:41):
and he was still on the phone.
What a blessing phones arePeople can work remotely, on and
on but that's self-control, Iguess I would say Joy to enjoy
your children.
You have one opportunity tospend quality time with your
children and I just read areally good article that
(13:03):
typically about age 10 and 11 iswhen there's other influences
in your children's lives Coaches, peers, you know.
Suddenly you get into highschool girlfriends, boyfriends.
You have this window.
Yes, grab that window, use itand enjoy your children's
company.
Speaker 3 (13:23):
It means accepting that you're going to be the
influencer right, accepting thechallenge that I'm going to be
the spiritual influencer, thefamily values influencer.
We use that word everywhere inour society.
Now, everybody's an influencerand if they're not, they want to
be.
So I encourage the parentsright to be your children and
your family's spiritualinfluencer, the way everybody
(13:47):
else is pursuing your childrenin this world.
Speaker 2 (13:50):
It's so good.
Yeah, you know once again.
Parents, your children arewatching you.
You are the role modelconcerning your marriage,
concerning technology,relationships, Relationships,
women to women relationships.
Your daughters are watching youAbsolutely and they're going to
(14:13):
move towards what they saw andhow you interacted with women.
Speaker 3 (14:18):
Get off your phones and enjoy your daughters, your
sons, we say it in counselingall the time right, be present,
be present, be present.
What are you doing, what areyou seeing, what are you hearing
, what are you feeling, what areyou tasting, if you're having a
meal, and be present in that.
And can we have that very humanconnection without the
(14:38):
technology?
Speaker 2 (14:39):
I saw on national TV that there were a couple
different restaurants.
Excuse me that if you came inand gave them your cell phone,
they would take 20% off yourbill and they wanted families.
These two restaurants and Idon't know what's happened today
if they're still doing it butthey wanted families to interact
(15:02):
around a table.
Speaker 3 (15:04):
What do you say to that?
I think it's incredible,whether it's happening at a
restaurant or near in your ownhome, right?
Right, where you and I'vetalked about prescribing that
meal time.
Right, it doesn't have to beevery day, valerie.
It doesn't have to be every day, valerie, it doesn't have to be
one day a week, two days a week, where you sit down and share a
meal and put the phones away,put the distractions away and
(15:27):
have conversations.
Have you seen those?
I use them in counselingconversation cards.
These families can buyconversations cards and if it's
awkward, right, and teenagerswould love it to be awkward
because then parents don't do it, right, mom and dad.
That's so awkward I can'tbelieve you're making me do that
.
But the conversation cards, ifyou don't know how to get it
(15:50):
started, we make.
There are products out therethat you pull a card and you
answer.
You know an appropriatequestion.
What was your favorite memoryfrom childhood?
What's your favorite meal thatyou've either eaten so many ways
to connect and converse withoutthe technology, without you
know getting distracted, andjust being present in that meal,
(16:14):
and to play games together.
Speaker 2 (16:16):
You know, as you were talking, I was thinking, you
know, when families, there's nophysical touch, a great way, get
twister, right, right, gettwister and just interact on the
floor with your kids.
Yes, right.
Speaker 3 (16:33):
And then, when they get older, board games you teach
them rules, which teaches themboundaries, which are another
tip Boundaries Boundaries makekids happy.
They understand how to make youhappy with boundaries, they
know what the rules are, theyknow how to stay in their lane,
they know when they're going toget nudged or bumped or
disciplined if they get out oftheir lane.
Speaker 2 (16:53):
Boundaries very, very important disciplined if they
get out of their lane.
Boundaries very, very important.
Back in New York State I workedin patient care and when teens
and kids came on that unit I sawthey craved boundaries,
absolutely Boundaries.
Parents are a safety net and ittells your children that they
are loved, right, joy?
Speaker 3 (17:11):
It tells them that you love and care about them
enough that you're going to keepthem safe.
Boundaries, keep you safe, thatyou expect them to be polite
and appropriate.
You love me enough that you'retelling me how to do this
instead of sending me out intothe world in a trial and error
approach.
And the world is harsh, is itnot Valerie?
(17:33):
The world is harsh, is it notValerie?
The world is harsh.
So let's teach our childrenthose boundaries of how to be
appropriate and tell them hey, Icare about you enough, I love
you enough that I'm going tokeep you safe, and then I'm
going to help you be appropriate, I'm going to help you be
polite and I'm going to help yoube godly.
Speaker 2 (17:50):
I'm sitting here kind of laughing.
I'm thinking of my kids.
Now they're adults and my twodaughters have their own
children and they're now going.
Mom, now I understand why youput that boundary down.
Mom, it takes sometimes joy,being an adult to recognize your
children, like you just kind ofsaid.
(18:12):
May not understand why youplace a boundary, but to say hon
, you may not understand, but Ilove you enough to have to set
this boundary.
Speaker 3 (18:20):
I often say to clients and patients your job as
a parent many times is toprotect your child's future self
from their current self.
Let me say that again Toprotect your child's future self
from their current self.
Their current self wants topost everything, wants to post
the selfies and the us-ies andI'm here and I'm there.
(18:43):
We're having to protect whenperhaps they look for a job.
If it's on social media, it'spublic, someone can see it.
We live in a small town here inDestin and in this county they
might know somebody that sawwhat they posted right.
So again, protecting theirfuture self from their current
self and they may not understandcurrently why you're doing that
(19:06):
Exactly.
Speaker 2 (19:07):
And I totally agree with that.
And you look at, the brain isnot fully developed to age 25.
Therefore, what happensespecially teenage years?
Teens can make quick, impulsivedecisions that they can regret
Right Joy Later on.
Speaker 3 (19:24):
And talking about that safety net right, the
boundaries being the safety net,it's so that we catch them
before they crash and burnExactly Right and make a
decision, an impulsive choicethat is going to ruin the rest
of their lives Exactly Right,that's the safety net of the
boundaries and the rules.
That's it.
That tell them we love youenough that we're going to keep
(19:45):
you safe from making decisionsthat are going to affect the
rest of your life.
Speaker 2 (19:49):
You know I'm going to shift here and I want to talk
about family time together.
Yes, I'm going to shift hereand I want to talk about family
time together.
I think today there just seemsthere's difficulty because of so
much.
Kids are doing so much extrathings and going in different
directions.
So mom goes this way with thischild this is what I see, I
(20:11):
don't know about you and thendad goes this way with that
child.
So what do you say to parentsconcerning family time and
spending time together?
Speaker 3 (20:20):
Well, I think what we just talked about earlier of
having the mealtime right.
Everybody's got to eat.
So if we can plan and bestrategic and intentional on
mealtime when everybody has toeat, again, not every day, we
get it right.
Soccer practices happen atdifferent times, ballet
practices happen at differenttimes, things happen at school,
(20:41):
events happen at different times.
But can we be strategic one daya week, two days a week, of
being intentional of having thatmeal together?
Two things right Meal togetherand family time, connection time
and family time.
Speaker 2 (20:57):
And I say this is what I always suggest to my
clients is have a designatednight.
That's family night that youkind of like for the couple.
I always recommend date nightand it's just important that
your children see you makingeach other a priority.
Go on a date, go out, let themsee how.
See you making each other apriority Right.
Go on a date, go out.
(21:18):
Let them see how much you loveeach other.
If you don't love each otherright now that much, really
start working on your marriage,because your children are
watching you Role modeling therelationship Exactly, so have
that date night.
You're probably like Val Joy wedon't have the time.
Make the time Right.
And're probably like Val Joy wedon't have the time, make the
time.
Speaker 3 (21:37):
And we're not talking long, right An hour, 90 minutes
, 120 minutes, right Two hours.
We're not talking long, longtimes, just time to get away, to
connect, to revitalize, refresh, renew that covenant in
marriage so important, renewthat covenant in marriage so
(22:00):
important.
I often say I think the bestgift that parents can give
children is a strong marriage.
Oh, what do you think, val?
Speaker 2 (22:03):
Totally agree.
We got to remember.
Here's our relationship withthe Lord Folks.
Second, god is a God of order.
He loves things done in decencyand order.
Then your marriage, then yourchildren, then work, church,
everything else underneath that.
Now I look at my mom and dadhad.
They were amazing parents, butwhen we all left and went away
(22:28):
to college, they separated andnot only was it devastating to
us as kids, but to the community, because they were amazing role
models.
You may be like amazing rolemodels to so many people.
Don't make your children apriority.
There is going to be a day thatthey're going to be out of the
home right, Joy.
Speaker 3 (22:49):
Well, let's go back to what we were talking about
influencers, the social mediainfluencers, the societal
influencers.
There are so many messagescoming to families and parents
and children that the childrenare the most important right.
Look at buying power.
They're advertisers andmarketing to children because
(23:09):
they know children can influencetheir parents, because children
hold a larger role in ourfamilies than generations before
.
Generations before it was theparents, right.
The parents hold the biggestpart of the family, the biggest
role in the family.
Now it's children.
So marriages are taking, it'staking its toll on marriages,
(23:32):
but what?
Again?
Going back to being thespiritual influence of your
family and of your children, ofteaching them?
No, no, no, no, Mom and dad aregoing to have some time
together because, again, thegreatest gift you can give a
child is a strong marriage.
Speaker 2 (23:47):
You know I'm sitting here as you're talking, thinking
we've got to be intentional.
Yes, we've got to beintentional and even having
adult children like I do, andnow grandchildren, being
intentional about the influencethat we can be, even when your
children are out of your home.
It's just such an importantrole.
Speaker 3 (24:07):
It's huge.
It's really really huge Because, again, the world wants you to
be distracted.
The world wants to play reelsfor you and little clips here
and there.
The world wants you to bedistracted and distraction keeps
you from God, keeps you fromGod's word, keeps you from
spiritual growth.
Speaker 2 (24:24):
right, so, being intentional and mindful that the
world wants to distract you andI look at the fruits of the
spirit in Galatians 5, the lastone.
It starts with love and it endswith self-control Having the
self-control to put your phoneup and saying I'm going to spend
(24:45):
quality time with my kids andmy husband and doing whatever
tonight.
Right, that takes self-control.
Speaker 3 (24:52):
Joy, it absolutely does.
It takes self-control.
Joy, it absolutely does.
Intentionality, some thoughtsand cognitions and making sure.
Are we thinking through this,the mindfulness that we talk
about a lot in counseling?
Are we thinking through whatwe're doing, what we're saying?
Because we know teenagers don't.
If the teenagers aren't,somebody's got to Exactly and
hopefully that's the parents andhopefully that's the parents.
(25:13):
And so this word ofencouragement to parents of be
intentional, be mindful, be thespiritual influencer on your
child to combat the world'sinfluence on them.
Speaker 2 (25:24):
You know I want to close with saying don't do this
alone.
Yes, don't do this alone.
If you are parenting today andyou are struggling, there's
something joy about finding oneperson.
I'm going to remind you theTitus 2 principle the older
women will speak into theyounger women's lives.
(25:47):
We need women that are speakinginto our lives, so we can speak
into other people's lives.
Speaker 3 (25:54):
How many times have you spoken in my life, being a
generation a season ahead?
Your children are older thanmine.
You have grandchildren now.
I'm not blessed with them yetYet Right, but how many times,
when my children were inelementary school and yours were
in high school and college, didyou say Joy, this too shall
pass Pray.
Right, you were that to me andso many others, right, thank you
(26:19):
.
Speaker 2 (26:19):
But I remember praying together for our kids.
Speaker 3 (26:21):
Right, because we had to come in an alignment and
agreement as mothers and asparents that we were going to
spiritually influence our kids.
And yes, I love what you'resaying of finding somebody else
that you can connect with, thatyou can pray with, that can
speak in.
That's a season ahead of you inparenting.
So important, so important.
Speaker 2 (26:43):
And find a small group.
Yes, I don't know about you,but just getting together with a
group of women that arelike-minded, wanting to really
work on being a healthy parent.
There's something aboutcommunity and a group of men.
Speaker 3 (26:57):
There's something about community and a group of
men, right, thank you.
Parenting happens with men aswell, and so finding that group
of men that'll pray with you ina small group of men, or even
just one other that'll say, hey,this is tough.
Speaker 2 (27:10):
This being a dad is tough and I love all these men,
small groups that are happeningto be, you know, better husbands
and better fathers.
Speaker 1 (27:20):
So thank you for bringing that up.
Speaker 2 (27:23):
And lastly I want to say find a good, bible-based
church that you can be fed in.
There's something about thatcorporate anointing.
When you join together inchurch, I don't know about you,
but I walk out and I feellighter.
When I walk together in church,I don't know about you, but I
walk out and I feel lighter.
Speaker 3 (27:37):
Yes, when I walk out of church Because we've been
spirit fed and filled and so wecan take on the world Exactly.
Speaker 2 (27:44):
Exactly.
We are so grateful that you'vejoined us today.
I want to thank Joy McAuliffe.
She is the founder of True JoyCounseling.
Where can people check you outonline?
Speaker 3 (27:56):
Absolutely online at truejoycounselingcom.
Call our office.
We've got ladies in the frontoffice that'll take your call
and walk you through anyquestions you have, or a
registration process if you wantto be a client or a patient.
Speaker 2 (28:09):
Yes, Thank you, Joy.
So much for coming on heretoday.
Speaker 3 (28:12):
It's my pleasure.
You know we love doing this.
Yes.
Speaker 1 (28:21):
You've been listening to Road to Redemption, sharing
powerful life testimonies,giving hope to those on their
own road to redemption.
If you have any comments orquestions, we would love to
connect with you.
You can reach out to us atdestinyradiolive.
Thank you for listening andwe'll see you next week on Road
to Redemption.
Welcome to Road to Redemption, a show sharing
powerful life testimonies,giving hope to those on their
own road to redemption.
Welcome.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
This is Road to Redemption, and I'm Valerie
Peterson.
I'm glad you've joined us today.
We have an amazing guest withus.
We have Joy Makala.
She's a licensed mental healththerapist, she is a school
psychologist and also she is theowner of True Joy Counseling in
(00:29):
Niceville, florida.
Speaker 3 (00:30):
Welcome, joy, thanks for having me, valerie, so glad
you're here.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
And is this fun, or what?
Speaker 3 (00:37):
We've been doing this a while, haven't we, my friend?
Speaker 2 (00:41):
And we've just been in the same field.
We love to talk and look at theissues today that need to be
addressed, and today we're goingto be talking about positive
parenting.
Everyone needs just tips forpositive parenting, and so you
know John Martin and I weretalking about you'd be the
(01:03):
perfect person to have on.
We had Joy on in November andwe did a show on dealing with
holiday stress.
We needed you there, girl.
We all need that.
We all need that.
So let's start.
If you could say, well, I wantto start and say I look at,
(01:24):
parenting is the most difficultjob and no training manual.
Speaker 1 (01:29):
When a baby is born.
Speaker 2 (01:31):
There's no training manual in the hospital room.
What happens is we tend to movetowards right.
Joy, yes, what we saw growingup, Absolutely Until we have
some healing in maybe some areasthat were not so good.
Speaker 3 (01:46):
Right, absolutely right.
We parent the way we wereparented.
That's all we saw.
That was the role model, as yousaid.
That's what we see, and if wedon't do it that way, sometimes
we do what society shows us todo, and that's not always great
either.
The manual I like to remindparents when we're doing
counseling is the Bible.
(02:06):
The Bible tells us a lot ofgreat parenting tips.
Yes, I hope we can talk aboutsome of that today?
Speaker 2 (02:12):
We sure can.
And to start, what would yousay to the person listening in
is your biggest concern in whatyou do for a living?
What would be your biggestconcern as a therapist working?
Speaker 3 (02:25):
with families.
I think it's not only mybiggest concern as a licensed
mental health counselor, but myconcern at just living on earth
is the influence of peers.
Other parents that maybehaven't figured it out aren't as
godly as we'd like, that don'thave the same family values,
(02:46):
aren't as godly as we'd likethat don't have the same family
values.
Social media there's so muchout there that influences our
children, our teens, our youngadults.
That isn't from God, isn'tgodly, isn't from the Bible,
isn't spiritual.
So the influence of that is mygreatest concern.
Speaker 2 (03:04):
Yeah, and I think about when we grew up.
There were no, there was nosocial influences, None.
And tell me, we did a showyears ago on helicopter
parenting.
It was such a good show, but wekind of compared it to the 70s
(03:26):
and what it's like today sodifferent.
Speaker 3 (03:29):
Parenting was so different the free range
parenting what we call right.
You send your kids outside play, come back when it gets dark,
when you see the street lightson.
Now we don't let them walk tothe end of the street to stand
for the bus to come and pickthem up.
Speaker 2 (03:43):
So what would you say to the parent that really
struggles with helicopterparenting today?
Speaker 3 (03:50):
I think, trust God.
You and I've talked about thisso much.
Right, we don't know the plan,the purpose for that child.
So we've said get on your knees, pray, pray for that
intervention, that spiritualword of what is the plan, and
then trust.
Trust, god's grace and goodness, that there is a plan for this
(04:12):
child and it will be a good plan.
We're promised, right, thescripture promises us as parents
and people that there will be agood plan.
Speaker 2 (04:22):
You know this is my perspective, but the greatest
gift we can give our kids, beingparents, is to get on our knees
.
Yes, because God Almighty knowsfar more than we could ever
know about our children.
We may have three children, wemay have five children, you may
have one child, but think aboutJeremiah 1.5.
(04:43):
Before I knit you in yourmother's womb, I knew you Psalm
137, that he was the one thatweaved each of us together in
our mother's womb.
We're fearfully and wonderfullymade.
Parents need to get.
The plan has already been setfor that child.
So we need God's mind and cleardirection on how to raise them.
(05:06):
So I love in 2 Corinthians 12,where it says my grace is
sufficient.
In my weakness he is mystrength.
Therefore, when I am weak, thenI am strong.
Do we dare to go to him whenwe're like I don't know what to
do with this child, I just don'tknow what?
Speaker 3 (05:25):
to do and we've been there?
We've been there, haven't youand I?
We've raised children.
We've been there.
We know that, beyond what we'reable to do humanly, we need
that spiritual intervention.
We talk about mental healthinterventions all the time right
, that's what we do for a livingRight.
Talk about mental healthinterventions all the time right
, that's what we do for a livingright.
(05:46):
But that spiritual interventiononly comes when we're on our
knees in prayer, incollaboration with the Holy
Spirit.
Speaker 2 (05:56):
And parents need to get.
There's no greater forceSomeone said this, claire Ogle
said this to Jeff and I yearsago there's no greater force
than a mom and dad comingtogether in agreement for their
children, even more than if onethe husband and the wife, went
to their minister, because thereis the covenant before God, but
(06:21):
covenant as a married couple.
Speaker 3 (06:23):
But think about what happens in business.
Valerie, right, we gocorporately together, we have a
corporate view, a corporatevision.
Our family can be thatcorporation and come in
corporately together and pray,right, yes, pray together with
that covenant and that corporateview of collaboration with the
(06:45):
Holy Spirit Powerful.
Speaker 2 (06:47):
Powerful.
You know, I look at the verseone will put a thousand to
flight, but two will put 10,000to flight.
Maybe you're a single mom.
Can you find another mom thatreally wants to work on being
even a better mom, because weall have room to grow?
He's the one that will continueto do a good work in us until
(07:09):
the day we meet.
He meets us, we meet him faceto face.
So we, if you have someone youcan come in agreement and pray
with, or a small group of momsthat really want to work on
being a better mom, he, it'spowerful.
Speaker 3 (07:23):
It is incredibly powerful.
But then even think when thekids are old enough and, where
appropriate, include them inthat corporate prayer as part of
the family Right, get them ontheir knees with the parents.
Hey, we're struggling with this.
Go to God, Be vulnerable asparents Again in an appropriate,
age-appropriate way.
I love it.
Speaker 2 (07:44):
I always say that healthy families do talk, do
trust, do feel, do hug and doresolve, and so I love it that
you're saying, as a family,share with them age appropriate.
Hey, we're going through this.
Let's all pray about it.
Speaker 3 (08:03):
That's powerful, absolutely.
It gives them a glimpse intoand then gets them out of that
perfectionism.
That's powerful, absolutely.
It gives them a glimpse intoand then gets them out of that
perfectionism.
Society's already posting andtweeting and all the things on
social media about these perfectparents or perfect families or
perfect people and we know we'renot that so at a family level
coming in and saying we need topray about this financial
(08:24):
situation.
Again, age appropriate we can'tstress that enough right Age
appropriate, for we're havingthis financial struggle and we
can't send you to that.
You know, thousands of dollarsworth of kids camps over the
summer.
But the kids can be part ofthat corporate prayer and make
it very, very powerful.
Speaker 2 (08:43):
I love in Stormy O'Martin's book the Power of the
Praying Parent.
She talks about just whatyou're saying and even writing
down, as a family, your prayerrequests.
Yes, and so your kids can seethat God is answering prayer.
Now I remember doing this withmy.
I have to share with you, soeach child I would individually.
(09:05):
We would sit down in the falland write down our prayer
requests for them and it was sofunny, like in church, joy, they
would go.
They knew that that was in theback of my journal and I just
remember Mitch going Mom, mom,god answered that.
You've got it right there whenit was answered they're on the
(09:25):
lookout.
They're on the lookout that Godis faithful and it's a way to
look back when you write downyour prayer request with your
children to say he is faithful.
It's good for them to see thatright it is.
Speaker 3 (09:38):
And what you're doing in that, valerie, is
influencing them right.
When we're talking about socialmedia and we're talking about
all these social influencers,don't we want to be the first
influencer and the largestinfluencer, so that what you
just described, it ties ittogether, of being the spiritual
(09:59):
influencer of your child's life?
Love it Right.
Demonstrating prayer, prayerjournals, prayers answered.
You're influencing themprayerfully, beyond what society
is influencing them.
Speaker 2 (10:14):
And I want to say, if you haven't read Stormy
O'Martin's book, get that book,the Power of the Praying Parent,
along with, if you have adultchildren, grab her book on adult
children.
You know, raising Adult andPraying for Adult Children, both
of them are so good.
Yes, what do you say to theparent that is struggling with
(10:34):
being on his or her phone allthe time?
Speaker 3 (10:37):
The parents on the phone or the child's on the
phone.
No, no, the parent.
Oh, low tech, no tech time.
I mean whether it's dinner time, meal time, family time, prayer
time.
Right, insisting on lowtechnology or no technology time
, it's got to happen.
That's the only way humanconnection is going to happen.
When we get the screen out fromin between us, so good.
Speaker 2 (11:01):
You know, I just recently was talking to a couple
and the husband said you know,to his wife, I feel you're
distracted, I feel that there'ssomething else in between us as
a family, and she was willingjust to put her phone away at
night.
They came up with a corporatetime that they were all going to
(11:24):
put their phones down and dosomething as a family.
Speaker 3 (11:27):
I thought that was just, and that leads to another
positive parenting tip I have Imade my kids put the charging
station for their phones in mybedroom at night and charging
station, all three of them.
They had their own plugs linethem up.
We're talking tablets, cellphones, laptops, any.
We're talking tablets, cellphones, laptops, any.
(11:47):
Again, low-tech, no-tech,because no technology is needed
at night.
You know we get the excuse of,but mom, I use it for the alarm
clock.
I can buy an alarm clock, right, we don't need a phone in there
for alarm clock, but again, itdisturbs their sleep.
They're checking if they're.
(12:10):
Again, families don't have thesame rules that I have in my
house and their kids are textingmy kids or no?
We we were able to eliminateall of that and having that um,
low tech, no tech time,especially at bedtime I love
that.
Speaker 2 (12:21):
I love it.
I have this memory of walkingthe beach, you know, just
walking the beach and and therewas a sweet man and daughter
about five years old.
They were walking the beach,coming towards me and you could
tell he was on a business calland they walked by me and I
walked pretty far, turned backaround, they walked by me again
(12:41):
and he was still on the phone.
What a blessing phones arePeople can work remotely, on and
on but that's self-control, Iguess I would say Joy to enjoy
your children.
You have one opportunity tospend quality time with your
children and I just read areally good article that
(13:03):
typically about age 10 and 11 iswhen there's other influences
in your children's lives Coaches, peers, you know.
Suddenly you get into highschool girlfriends, boyfriends.
You have this window.
Yes, grab that window, use itand enjoy your children's
company.
Speaker 3 (13:23):
It means accepting that you're going to be the
influencer right, accepting thechallenge that I'm going to be
the spiritual influencer, thefamily values influencer.
We use that word everywhere inour society.
Now, everybody's an influencerand if they're not, they want to
be.
So I encourage the parentsright to be your children and
your family's spiritualinfluencer, the way everybody
(13:47):
else is pursuing your childrenin this world.
Speaker 2 (13:50):
It's so good.
Yeah, you know once again.
Parents, your children arewatching you.
You are the role modelconcerning your marriage,
concerning technology,relationships, Relationships,
women to women relationships.
Your daughters are watching youAbsolutely and they're going to
(14:13):
move towards what they saw andhow you interacted with women.
Speaker 3 (14:18):
Get off your phones and enjoy your daughters, your
sons, we say it in counselingall the time right, be present,
be present, be present.
What are you doing, what areyou seeing, what are you hearing
, what are you feeling, what areyou tasting, if you're having a
meal, and be present in that.
And can we have that very humanconnection without the
(14:38):
technology?
Speaker 2 (14:39):
I saw on national TV that there were a couple
different restaurants.
Excuse me that if you came inand gave them your cell phone,
they would take 20% off yourbill and they wanted families.
These two restaurants and Idon't know what's happened today
if they're still doing it butthey wanted families to interact
(15:02):
around a table.
Speaker 3 (15:04):
What do you say to that?
I think it's incredible,whether it's happening at a
restaurant or near in your ownhome, right?
Right, where you and I'vetalked about prescribing that
meal time.
Right, it doesn't have to beevery day, valerie.
It doesn't have to be every day, valerie, it doesn't have to be
one day a week, two days a week, where you sit down and share a
meal and put the phones away,put the distractions away and
(15:27):
have conversations.
Have you seen those?
I use them in counselingconversation cards.
These families can buyconversations cards and if it's
awkward, right, and teenagerswould love it to be awkward
because then parents don't do it, right, mom and dad.
That's so awkward I can'tbelieve you're making me do that
.
But the conversation cards, ifyou don't know how to get it
(15:50):
started, we make.
There are products out therethat you pull a card and you
answer.
You know an appropriatequestion.
What was your favorite memoryfrom childhood?
What's your favorite meal thatyou've either eaten so many ways
to connect and converse withoutthe technology, without you
know getting distracted, andjust being present in that meal,
(16:14):
and to play games together.
Speaker 2 (16:16):
You know, as you were talking, I was thinking, you
know, when families, there's nophysical touch, a great way, get
twister, right, right, gettwister and just interact on the
floor with your kids.
Yes, right.
Speaker 3 (16:33):
And then, when they get older, board games you teach
them rules, which teaches themboundaries, which are another
tip Boundaries Boundaries makekids happy.
They understand how to make youhappy with boundaries, they
know what the rules are, theyknow how to stay in their lane,
they know when they're going toget nudged or bumped or
disciplined if they get out oftheir lane.
Speaker 2 (16:53):
Boundaries very, very important disciplined if they
get out of their lane.
Boundaries very, very important.
Back in New York State I workedin patient care and when teens
and kids came on that unit I sawthey craved boundaries,
absolutely Boundaries.
Parents are a safety net and ittells your children that they
are loved, right, joy?
Speaker 3 (17:11):
It tells them that you love and care about them
enough that you're going to keepthem safe.
Boundaries, keep you safe, thatyou expect them to be polite
and appropriate.
You love me enough that you'retelling me how to do this
instead of sending me out intothe world in a trial and error
approach.
And the world is harsh, is itnot Valerie?
(17:33):
The world is harsh, is it notValerie?
The world is harsh.
So let's teach our childrenthose boundaries of how to be
appropriate and tell them hey, Icare about you enough, I love
you enough that I'm going tokeep you safe, and then I'm
going to help you be appropriate, I'm going to help you be
polite and I'm going to help yoube godly.
Speaker 2 (17:50):
I'm sitting here kind of laughing.
I'm thinking of my kids.
Now they're adults and my twodaughters have their own
children and they're now going.
Mom, now I understand why youput that boundary down.
Mom, it takes sometimes joy,being an adult to recognize your
children, like you just kind ofsaid.
(18:12):
May not understand why youplace a boundary, but to say hon
, you may not understand, but Ilove you enough to have to set
this boundary.
Speaker 3 (18:20):
I often say to clients and patients your job as
a parent many times is toprotect your child's future self
from their current self.
Let me say that again Toprotect your child's future self
from their current self.
Their current self wants topost everything, wants to post
the selfies and the us-ies andI'm here and I'm there.
(18:43):
We're having to protect whenperhaps they look for a job.
If it's on social media, it'spublic, someone can see it.
We live in a small town here inDestin and in this county they
might know somebody that sawwhat they posted right.
So again, protecting theirfuture self from their current
self and they may not understandcurrently why you're doing that
(19:06):
Exactly.
Speaker 2 (19:07):
And I totally agree with that.
And you look at, the brain isnot fully developed to age 25.
Therefore, what happensespecially teenage years?
Teens can make quick, impulsivedecisions that they can regret
Right Joy Later on.
Speaker 3 (19:24):
And talking about that safety net right, the
boundaries being the safety net,it's so that we catch them
before they crash and burnExactly Right and make a
decision, an impulsive choicethat is going to ruin the rest
of their lives Exactly Right,that's the safety net of the
boundaries and the rules.
That's it.
That tell them we love youenough that we're going to keep
(19:45):
you safe from making decisionsthat are going to affect the
rest of your life.
Speaker 2 (19:49):
You know I'm going to shift here and I want to talk
about family time together.
Yes, I'm going to shift hereand I want to talk about family
time together.
I think today there just seemsthere's difficulty because of so
much.
Kids are doing so much extrathings and going in different
directions.
So mom goes this way with thischild this is what I see, I
(20:11):
don't know about you and thendad goes this way with that
child.
So what do you say to parentsconcerning family time and
spending time together?
Speaker 3 (20:20):
Well, I think what we just talked about earlier of
having the mealtime right.
Everybody's got to eat.
So if we can plan and bestrategic and intentional on
mealtime when everybody has toeat, again, not every day, we
get it right.
Soccer practices happen atdifferent times, ballet
practices happen at differenttimes, things happen at school,
(20:41):
events happen at different times.
But can we be strategic one daya week, two days a week, of
being intentional of having thatmeal together?
Two things right Meal togetherand family time, connection time
and family time.
Speaker 2 (20:57):
And I say this is what I always suggest to my
clients is have a designatednight.
That's family night that youkind of like for the couple.
I always recommend date nightand it's just important that
your children see you makingeach other a priority.
Go on a date, go out, let themsee how.
See you making each other apriority Right.
Go on a date, go out.
(21:18):
Let them see how much you loveeach other.
If you don't love each otherright now that much, really
start working on your marriage,because your children are
watching you Role modeling therelationship Exactly, so have
that date night.
You're probably like Val Joy wedon't have the time.
Make the time Right.
And're probably like Val Joy wedon't have the time, make the
time.
Speaker 3 (21:37):
And we're not talking long, right An hour, 90 minutes
, 120 minutes, right Two hours.
We're not talking long, longtimes, just time to get away, to
connect, to revitalize, refresh, renew that covenant in
marriage so important, renewthat covenant in marriage so
(22:00):
important.
I often say I think the bestgift that parents can give
children is a strong marriage.
Oh, what do you think, val?
Speaker 2 (22:03):
Totally agree.
We got to remember.
Here's our relationship withthe Lord Folks.
Second, god is a God of order.
He loves things done in decencyand order.
Then your marriage, then yourchildren, then work, church,
everything else underneath that.
Now I look at my mom and dadhad.
They were amazing parents, butwhen we all left and went away
(22:28):
to college, they separated andnot only was it devastating to
us as kids, but to the community, because they were amazing role
models.
You may be like amazing rolemodels to so many people.
Don't make your children apriority.
There is going to be a day thatthey're going to be out of the
home right, Joy.
Speaker 3 (22:49):
Well, let's go back to what we were talking about
influencers, the social mediainfluencers, the societal
influencers.
There are so many messagescoming to families and parents
and children that the childrenare the most important right.
Look at buying power.
They're advertisers andmarketing to children because
(23:09):
they know children can influencetheir parents, because children
hold a larger role in ourfamilies than generations before
.
Generations before it was theparents, right.
The parents hold the biggestpart of the family, the biggest
role in the family.
Now it's children.
So marriages are taking, it'staking its toll on marriages,
(23:32):
but what?
Again?
Going back to being thespiritual influence of your
family and of your children, ofteaching them?
No, no, no, no, Mom and dad aregoing to have some time
together because, again, thegreatest gift you can give a
child is a strong marriage.
Speaker 2 (23:47):
You know I'm sitting here as you're talking, thinking
we've got to be intentional.
Yes, we've got to beintentional and even having
adult children like I do, andnow grandchildren, being
intentional about the influencethat we can be, even when your
children are out of your home.
It's just such an importantrole.
Speaker 3 (24:07):
It's huge.
It's really really huge Because, again, the world wants you to
be distracted.
The world wants to play reelsfor you and little clips here
and there.
The world wants you to bedistracted and distraction keeps
you from God, keeps you fromGod's word, keeps you from
spiritual growth.
Speaker 2 (24:24):
right, so, being intentional and mindful that the
world wants to distract you andI look at the fruits of the
spirit in Galatians 5, the lastone.
It starts with love and it endswith self-control Having the
self-control to put your phoneup and saying I'm going to spend
(24:45):
quality time with my kids andmy husband and doing whatever
tonight.
Right, that takes self-control.
Speaker 3 (24:52):
Joy, it absolutely does.
It takes self-control.
Joy, it absolutely does.
Intentionality, some thoughtsand cognitions and making sure.
Are we thinking through this,the mindfulness that we talk
about a lot in counseling?
Are we thinking through whatwe're doing, what we're saying?
Because we know teenagers don't.
If the teenagers aren't,somebody's got to Exactly and
hopefully that's the parents andhopefully that's the parents.
(25:13):
And so this word ofencouragement to parents of be
intentional, be mindful, be thespiritual influencer on your
child to combat the world'sinfluence on them.
Speaker 2 (25:24):
You know I want to close with saying don't do this
alone.
Yes, don't do this alone.
If you are parenting today andyou are struggling, there's
something joy about finding oneperson.
I'm going to remind you theTitus 2 principle the older
women will speak into theyounger women's lives.
(25:47):
We need women that are speakinginto our lives, so we can speak
into other people's lives.
Speaker 3 (25:54):
How many times have you spoken in my life, being a
generation a season ahead?
Your children are older thanmine.
You have grandchildren now.
I'm not blessed with them yetYet Right, but how many times,
when my children were inelementary school and yours were
in high school and college, didyou say Joy, this too shall
pass Pray.
Right, you were that to me andso many others, right, thank you
(26:19):
.
Speaker 2 (26:19):
But I remember praying together for our kids.
Speaker 3 (26:21):
Right, because we had to come in an alignment and
agreement as mothers and asparents that we were going to
spiritually influence our kids.
And yes, I love what you'resaying of finding somebody else
that you can connect with, thatyou can pray with, that can
speak in.
That's a season ahead of you inparenting.
So important, so important.
Speaker 2 (26:43):
And find a small group.
Yes, I don't know about you,but just getting together with a
group of women that arelike-minded, wanting to really
work on being a healthy parent.
There's something aboutcommunity and a group of men.
Speaker 3 (26:57):
There's something about community and a group of
men, right, thank you.
Parenting happens with men aswell, and so finding that group
of men that'll pray with you ina small group of men, or even
just one other that'll say, hey,this is tough.
Speaker 2 (27:10):
This being a dad is tough and I love all these men,
small groups that are happeningto be, you know, better husbands
and better fathers.
Speaker 1 (27:20):
So thank you for bringing that up.
Speaker 2 (27:23):
And lastly I want to say find a good, bible-based
church that you can be fed in.
There's something about thatcorporate anointing.
When you join together inchurch, I don't know about you,
but I walk out and I feellighter.
When I walk together in church,I don't know about you, but I
walk out and I feel lighter.
Speaker 3 (27:37):
Yes, when I walk out of church Because we've been
spirit fed and filled and so wecan take on the world Exactly.
Speaker 2 (27:44):
Exactly.
We are so grateful that you'vejoined us today.
I want to thank Joy McAuliffe.
She is the founder of True JoyCounseling.
Where can people check you outonline?
Speaker 3 (27:56):
Absolutely online at truejoycounselingcom.
Call our office.
We've got ladies in the frontoffice that'll take your call
and walk you through anyquestions you have, or a
registration process if you wantto be a client or a patient.
Speaker 2 (28:09):
Yes, Thank you, Joy.
So much for coming on heretoday.
Speaker 3 (28:12):
It's my pleasure.
You know we love doing this.
Yes.
Speaker 1 (28:21):
You've been listening to Road to Redemption, sharing
powerful life testimonies,giving hope to those on their
own road to redemption.
If you have any comments orquestions, we would love to
connect with you.
You can reach out to us atdestinyradiolive.
Thank you for listening andwe'll see you next week on Road
to Redemption.
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