1 Maccabees Chapter 12: Bible Study by Atheists

Jonathan decides the Seleucid soap opera is getting way too pronoun-heavy, so he does what any ancient politician with commitment issues would do, he slides into Rome’s DMs to “renew the friendship.” Because nothing screams “holy nation” like outsourcing your survival to the Mediterranean’s biggest future empire. Then, just to keep things spicy, he also writes the Spartans like, “Hey besties, remember our totally-real brotherhood from Abraham?” (Yes, really—Sparta apparently gets retconned into the Bible Extended Universe.)

Meanwhile, Simon is out here grabbing strongholds like he’s speed-running Risk, while Jonathan’s building walls and trying to isolate the citadel, because nothing says “peace” like more fortifications. But the real plot twist is Trifon, who shows up with big “we’re friends, trust me bro” energy… and Jonathan falls for it. He sends most of his forces home, strolls into Ptolemais, and—surprise!—gets seized while his people get slaughtered. The chapter ends with everyone mourning and the surrounding nations smelling blood in the water. Happy holidays, theocracy edition.

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📌 Topics Covered:

• Rome gets summoned as the Jewish “please help” button (again).
• Spartans + Jews = “kindred of Abraham,” aka biblical ancestry fanfiction.
• Simon plays capture-the-stronghold while Jonathan plays “build the wall.”
• Trifon’s two-step: flatter, isolate, betray—ancient politics stays undefeated.
• Pop-culture detours: Labyrinth, Hitchhiker’s Guide, and Ghostbusters—because coping.
• Jonathan discovers the ancient truth: if you’re “killy,” eventually someone out-kills you.

💬 Best Quote from the Episode:

“Rome has entered the chat.”

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