1 Maccabees Chapter 15: Bible Study by Atheists

Today on Sacrilegious Discourse, we slog through 1 Maccabees 15, aka “Everyone Writes Letters and Nobody Explains Anything.” It opens with yet another Antiochus (because apparently they’re naming babies like they’re recycling passwords), who sends Simon a “friendly” note that’s basically: I’m totally not here to start drama… except I brought warships. The hosts immediately spiral into righteous confusion as the chapter cranks the “who is he?” pronoun game up to eleven.

Then the Romans show up doing what Rome does best: paperwork, alliances, and collecting shiny objects, specifically a giant gold shield (a cool 1,000 minas, which y’all note is an absurd amount of weight). Rome writes to a whole buffet of kings telling them not to mess with the Jews and to hand over any “troublemakers” who fled—because nothing screams “peace” like outsourcing vengeance. Meanwhile, Antiochus is busy besieging Dor while Tryphon is trapped… until he isn’t.

And just when you think the chapter might pick a lane, it swerves into a petty geopolitical shakedown: Antiochus demands Joppa, Gazara, the Jerusalem citadel, and a ridiculous amount of silver, or else. Simon claps back with “we didn’t steal anything,” then immediately starts haggling like it’s Facebook Marketplace: We’ll give you 100 talents, take it or leave it. The king’s envoy storms off furious, Tryphon escapes by boat, and the chapter wraps with more violence: raids on Judea, fortifying Kidron, and general “good times” imperial oppression. 🫠

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📌 Topics Covered:

• 1 Maccabees 15 opens with “Antiochus again”—because history needed more identical villain names.
• Letter-writing as a weapon: tax remissions, “stay in your lane” diplomacy, and vague threats with warships.
• Rome’s “friendship” package includes a massive gold shield and a casual request for extradition.
• The siege of Dor and the great escape of Tryphon, because apparently nobody can keep a captive captive.
• Antiochus’ land-grab demands: Joppa, Gazara, and the Jerusalem citadel—plus enough silver to buy a small empire.
• The chapter’s signature sin: pronouns (and the hosts’ growing need for a flowchart).
• Ending on raids, captives, and fortifications—because peace is always “peace.”

💬 Best Quote from the Episode:

“They name every baby Antiochus and they’re like, figure it out.”

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