1 Maccabees Chapter 3: Bible Study by Atheists

In this episode, the heathen duo dive into 1 Maccabees 3, where Judas Maccabeus rolls up in his giant breastplate, steals a fancy sword, and proceeds to “defend God’s law” by killing a lot of people—aka, the Bible’s favorite hobby. They recap how Antiochus IV Epiphanes tried to erase Jewish identity, desecrate the temple, and outlaw all the “penis-chopping things” (circumcision), then follow the narrative as Judas is framed as a heroic lion… who also sounds suspiciously like the protagonist of a very Old Testament-themed war crime.

The hosts call out how the text keeps labeling enemies as “the lawless,” which conveniently makes everyone Judas kills retroactively evil—because nothing says moral clarity like writing your own war propaganda. They compare the Maccabean revolt to a proto–Crusade, talk about how religious violence just keeps getting recycled into modern conflicts (hello, Gaza), and ask the obvious: if the Sabbath martyrs were perfectly obedient, why didn’t God bother to protect them? Instead, their deaths are basically used as plot coupons to justify later breaking God’s own rules.

Of course, this is Sacrilegious Discourse, so there are detours: a glowing recommendation of The Promised Land (aka “The Office but for the Old Testament”), a Sherlock “I’ll burn you” thirst tangent, a whole ADHD brain bit where Husband continues a conversation he’s only been having in his own head for two hours, and an anti–Christmas tree rant that manages to roast both environmental damage and pagan appropriation. There’s also some reassuring “Mommy and Daddy are fine” marital banter, complete with opposites-attract chaos and the important theological conclusion that every ancient dude was “murdery, rapey, slave-owning” and can, frankly, get in line to lick Wife’s ass.

If you like your Bible breakdowns with genocide side-eye, ADHD tangents, and zero respect for holy war, this one’s for you. Listen, rage-laugh, and then:

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📌 Topics Covered:

• 1 Maccabees 3 and the rise of Judas Maccabeus as God’s favorite murder machine
• “The lawless” as biblical propaganda for “everyone we don’t like”
• Jewish revolt vs. imperial brutality — and how it rhymes with modern holy violence
• The “Jewish Crusades” vibe and genocide math that never quite adds up
• Heaven name-dropped like it’s just… always been there, sure, why not
• ADHD brain, unfinished conversations, and accidental live-on-Discord marital spats
• Christmas trees, pagan roots, environmental waste, and why Jesus doesn’t need your dead shrub
• TV recs: The Promised Land, Sherlock, and how Moriarty lives rent-free in their heads

💬 Best Quote from the Episode:

“If I’m being real, I think that all the dudes back then were all murdery, rapey, slave owning… and they can all lick my ass.”

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