August 26, 2025 • 24 mins
Have you ever found yourself saying yes while every fiber of your being screamed no? That small act of self-betrayal often leads to a quiet but persistent resentment that can ultimately poison our most important relationships.
Boundaries are frequently misunderstood as selfish acts or walls we build to keep others out. The truth is quite the opposite – they're the guidelines that define where you end and others begin. They're not punishments or arbitrary rules imposed on others, but standards you uphold for yourself out of deep self-respect. When we consistently allow our boundaries to be crossed, we send a powerful message to ourselves and the world that our needs don't matter, gradually eroding our self-worth and leading to burnout.
Why is setting boundaries so difficult? Many of us were conditioned from childhood to be people-pleasers, taught that keeping peace at our own expense was the right thing to do. We fear disappointing others, being seen as selfish, or triggering conflict. Yet as Dr. Brené Brown brilliantly puts it, "Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others."
The most powerful tool for communicating boundaries effectively is the "I statement" – a three-part formula that shifts focus from accusation to personal experience: "I feel [emotion] when [specific behavior] because [impact on you]." This approach prevents defensiveness and creates space for mutual understanding. For example, instead of "You're so inconsiderate calling this late," try "I feel flustered when I get calls about non-urgent matters after 10pm because that's my time to decompress."
Research confirms that people with healthy boundaries experience significantly less burnout and greater wellbeing. Start small this week by identifying one low-stakes boundary to practice. Notice the discomfort – that's the feeling of choosing yourself – and the sense of peace that follows. Your time and energy are precious resources worth protecting through clear, compassionate boundaries.
Subscribe now and share this podcast with anyone looking to build a life that feels more honest, authentic and true to themselves – one courageous choice at a time.
We would love to hear your feedback! Click here to tell us what you think.
https://sagesolutions.buzzsprout.com
If you are interested in one-on-one coaching, email us at:
sagecoachingsolutions@gmail.com
**Legal Disclaimer**
The Sage Solutions Podcast and content posted by David Sage is presented solely for general informational, educational, and entertainment purposes. No coaching client relationship is formed by listening to this podcast. No Legal, Medical or Financial advice is being given. The use of information on this podcast or materials linked from this podcast or website is at the user's own risk. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice, diagnosis, or treatment of a psychotherapist, physician, professional coach, Lawyer or other qualified professional. Users should not disregard or delay in obtaining medical advice for any medical or mental health condition they may have and should seek the assistance of their healthcare professionals for any such conditions. The opinions of guests are their own and may not necessarily reflect the opinions of the podcast.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Welcome to the Sage Solutions Podcast, where we talk
about all things personalgrowth, personal development and
becoming your best self.
My name is David Sage and I ama self-worth and confidence
coach with Sage CoachingSolutions.
Have you ever found yourselfsaying yes to something while
(00:26):
every fiber of your being wasscreaming no?
Maybe it was agreeing toanother project at work when
your plate was alreadyoverflowing.
Or perhaps it was lending moneyyou couldn't really spare, or
attending a social event whenall you really needed was a
(00:47):
quiet night in.
You say yes and in the moment,a little piece of you just wilts
Resentment.
It starts quietly brewing inthe background and building over
time.
If that sounds familiar, then Ithink this episode is for you,
(01:11):
because today we are talkingabout one of the most vital yet
often misunderstood skills for ahealthy life setting boundaries
Before we get into it.
Our goal with this podcast isto share free, helpful tools
with you and anyone you know whois looking to improve their
(01:33):
life.
So take action, subscribe andshare this podcast with them.
We're about to dismantle themyth that boundaries are selfish
, explore why they're one of theultimate acts of self-respect
and, most importantly, I'm goingto give you a powerful,
practical framework forcommunicating your boundaries in
(01:56):
a way that people can actuallyhear you without getting
defensive.
Now, whether somebody getsdefensive or not is not
something that's actually inyour locus of control, but what
we can do is optimize forpreventing it.
We don't want to be the sparkthat ignites a fire of
(02:19):
defensiveness, becausedefensiveness often leads to
people shutting down and notlistening to what we have to say
.
So let's get into it.
What exactly is a boundary?
I think we hear the word thrownaround a lot, but the
(02:40):
definition can feel a bit fuzzy.
Simply put, a boundary is theline where you end and someone
else begins.
It's not a wall you build toshut people out.
It's not a sanction or apunishment or arbitrary rules
that you set on other people.
(03:00):
It's a gate you install and youget to decide who and what you
let in.
Boundaries are the guidelinesand the rules you create for
yourself that dictate what isreasonable, safe and permissible
for other people's behaviortowards you and how you'll
(03:22):
respond when someone crossesthose lines.
They can be physical, likeneeding personal space.
They can be emotional, like notbeing willing to be somebody's
emotional dumping ground.
They can be about your time,like not taking work calls after
7 pm.
And here's the crucial part Nothaving boundaries doesn't make
(03:46):
you a nicer or better person.
It makes you a more tired, moreresentful and more burned out
person.
You teach people how to treatyou through your actions, your
language and your boundaries.
When we consistently let ourboundaries be crossed, we are
sending a message to ourselvesand to the world that our needs
(04:09):
don't matter.
Over time, that chips away atyour self-worth.
It leads to burnout, anxietyand can completely erode our
most important relationships,because true connections
struggle to exist whileresentment is present.
You can't genuinely connectwith someone when you're
(04:33):
secretly frustrated with themfor taking advantage of the
space you never told them thatthey couldn't occupy.
But if boundaries are soimportant, why is setting a
boundary one of the hardestthings for so many of us to do?
Well, it usually comes down tofear, fear and discomfort.
(04:55):
There's a fear of disappointingsomeone.
There's a fear of being seen asselfish or mean.
There's a fear of conflict,that if you say no, the other
person will get angry and ordefensive.
For many of us, we'reconditioned from a young age to
be people pleasers, to beagreeable, to not rock the boat.
(05:17):
This can lead us to learn themaladaptive lesson, that keeping
the peace, even at our ownexpense, is always the right
thing to do and, to be honest,sometimes it is.
We embrace shades of gray onthis podcast, and there are
times where putting our ownwell-being to the side to keep
(05:39):
the peace or to prevent aproblem can be the right choice,
but this should not be anautomatic response.
Setting boundaries is aboutupholding standards for yourself
.
So, to challenge it, I want tosay this Is it truly kind to
(06:01):
allow someone to treat you in away that makes you feel bad?
Is it loving to say yes withyour mouth while your heart says
no, leading you to eventuallyresent that person?
Is it helpful to repeatedlyteach people the wrong way to
treat you further, incentivizingthem to keep doing it?
(06:21):
Or are you really misleadingthem by doing that?
The kindest, most loving thingyou can do for yourself and for
the health of your relationshipsis to be clear and honest about
what is and isn't okay for you.
And this brings me to one of myfavorite thinkers on this topic,
(06:41):
the incredible researcher DrBrene Brown.
She actually has a quote thatcompletely reframed boundaries
for me.
She said daring to setboundaries is about having the
courage to love ourselves, evenwhen we risk disappointing
others.
It's not about pushing othersaway.
(07:04):
It's about having the courageto love yourself.
It's a profound act ofself-compassion.
Setting and upholdingboundaries is a kindness to
yourself.
All right, so we've establishedthe what and the why of
boundaries.
(07:24):
If you're with me right now,then you're ready to be
courageous and to show some loveto yourself with boundaries.
But how do we practically dothis?
How do you say what you need tosay without the other person
immediately throwing up a wallof defensiveness?
This is where so many of usstumble.
(07:45):
We wait until we're at ourbreaking point and then the
boundary comes out, soundinglike an accusation or, if we're
being honest, it is.
We might say something like youare so inconsiderate, you
always call me late at night andexpect me to talk, and then we
(08:06):
throw in you have no respect formy boundaries, which oftentimes
we haven't set that boundary inthe first place.
That's not how boundaries work.
And in this situation, instantlythe other person is feeling
attacked, possibly blindsided.
They hear the word you.
They hear the word alwayscalling them specifically out
(08:29):
and using an infinitive whichtheir brain is likely to want to
fight, because they don'talways do it at least most
likely and then their brain goesinto fight or flight.
Their amygdala activates, theirstress levels spike and their
prefrontal cortex slows down.
They're not listening to yourneed anymore.
They're busy defending theirown character.
(08:52):
You have activated their ego.
So the solution is one of themost powerful communication
tools that you can ever learnthe I statement.
An I statement flips the script.
It takes the focus off ofaccusing the other person and
instead puts the focus on yourexperience.
(09:14):
It's not about what they didwrong.
It's about how their actionsaffected you.
This falls in line with thetrue purpose of a boundary.
Boundaries are not sanctions orpunishments for other people.
They are standards that youuphold for yourself out of
respect for yourself.
(09:35):
We are not setting boundariesto weaponize or to punish others
.
We are setting boundaries forourselves.
Using an I statementaccomplishes this.
A well-structured I statementgenerally has a simple
three-part formula.
(09:55):
I feel has a simple three-partformula.
I feel.
State your emotion and try tostate the emotion as accurately
as I can Whenever possible.
Don't use blanket emotions likehappy, sad, mad.
Try and use an emotion wordthat actually fits as close to
(10:16):
how you actually feel aspossible.
This helps the other personunderstand you better, because
there's a difference betweenusing words like pissed off and
using words like annoyed.
There's a strength ofconnotation and of intensity and
feeling that is wildlydifferent between the two.
(10:36):
So, first, I feel, state youremotion.
Second, when, describe thespecific behavior in a
non-judgmental way.
This can go something like Ifeel annoyed when you interrupt
(10:58):
me mid-sentence.
Now I actually personally thinkthat it is even better, when
possible, to take the you out ofthe statement altogether,
because it makes it even lesspersonal.
The key to this is startingwith I making it about your
(11:20):
standards, your boundaries,following up with the second
part, which is when.
But the when is the mostdangerous part of this, because
it's very easy to say I feelupset when you act like a
complete asshole, which kind ofdefeats the purpose of what
(11:43):
we're doing here, because youare calling them out
specifically and it isaccusatory language.
This is often used as a cop outof saying what I was.
I was making an I statement,this isn't about you.
If you're actually trying tohave success with your
boundaries, you shouldn't betrying to win here.
(12:06):
This isn't about them, this isabout you.
So the best way I could probablysay that is I feel annoyed when
people don't let me finish mysentences because it makes me
feel like they don't care aboutwhat I have to say.
(12:27):
Notice how different this isthan you're such an asshole.
You never let me finish mysentences.
It's a difference in focus.
So step one, I feel, state youremotion.
Step two, when describe thespecific, non-judgmental
behavior.
Step three, because and thenexplain the impact that it has
(12:53):
on you the first time that youset a boundary, especially if
it's not setting a majorboundary, you don't actually
need the fourth step.
However, if you've set aboundary and then somebody has
gone on to cross that boundaryagain, that's when we bring in
(13:14):
the fourth step.
So what I need is would youfollow up with a clear,
actionable, reasonable request?
We also have to be realisticwith our boundaries Because,
just like everything else, thereare shades of gray to
boundaries.
Setting a boundary is not pureupside.
(13:37):
There's always a trade-off.
Now, sometimes the trade-off isalmost nothing and the boundary
is wildly beneficial and havingboundaries is a very clearly
helpful thing.
But if you set unrealisticboundaries such as unrealistic
boundaries such as I will nottolerate anyone ever disagreeing
(14:03):
with me.
You're going to have a hell ofa time in life Because people
are going to disagree with you.
So if you're going to alwayswalk away anytime anyone
disagrees with you, you're nevergoing to learn new things and
you're likely going to alienatethe mass majority of your
relationships.
So it is important that wethink about realistic boundaries
(14:26):
as well.
So, to rein it back in, let'srework that late-night phone
call scenario.
Instead of you're soinconsiderate for calling this
late, what is wrong with you?
Try, hey, I feel flustered whenI get calls about non-urgent
(14:49):
things after 10pm because my dayjob is stressful and that's my
time to unwind and disconnectfrom that stressful day so that
I can get a good night's sleep.
What I need is for us to catchup during the day or early
evening so that I can take careof myself.
Do you feel the difference?
(15:10):
There's no accusation.
There's no infinitives.
Like you always, you never.
You're simply stating yourreality.
You're owning your feelings andclearly, kindly, stating your
need.
It is incredibly difficult forsomeone to argue with how you
(15:32):
feel.
They can argue about whetherthey're inconsiderate, but they
can't really argue with the factthat you feel flustered.
So let's try another one andlet's put this one in a work
context.
Your colleague keeps asking youto take over last-minute tasks
right before you're supposed toleave.
(15:52):
After this continues to happen,it's easy to get pent up to a
point where you fall into thisaccusatory you statement.
You need to stop dumping yourwork on me at 4.55 when I'm done
at 5.
It's just not fair.
Instead, we're going to use aneffective I statement.
I feel overwhelmed when I'mhanded new tasks right at the
(16:16):
end of the day because I'mtrying to wrap up my own
projects and leave on time Goingforward.
What I need is to receive anynew assignments sometime before
three so that I can actuallyplan accordingly and do
something with it.
It's clear, it's kind, it's firm.
It's not personal, it'sprofessional.
(16:37):
It sets a boundary whilepreserving the relationship.
This formula is a game changer.
It takes practice, but it's askill that will serve you in
your career, your friendshipsand your family for the rest of
your life.
Remember, this isn't about them.
Don't focus on what they'vedone wrong.
(16:58):
Focus on the boundary thatyou're setting for yourself,
which means, besides stating howyou feel, try to state your
boundary in a clear, calm, kind,yet firm way, and turn some
compassion in on yourself as oneof the motivating factors for
(17:21):
doing this.
Then, using an I statement inthe way that we just described.
You set your boundary, but evenwhen you do it perfectly, it's
easy to feel like, okay, nowwhat do we do?
It's going to be really awkwardafter this, unless a major
boundary was crossed and it is avery big deal, which is a very
(17:42):
different situation than whatwe've been talking about,
especially if you're setting itfor the first time.
If you're just looking toclearly set that boundary, get
them to acknowledge andunderstand or whatever you need
to do, and then move on.
It's your job, then, to not beawkward about it.
Just move on to another topic,talk about other things as if
(18:06):
nothing happened.
You just took a pause, you setthat line and then you kept on
with your conversation.
There's no need for them tofeel embarrassed or punished or
awkward, because that's not thepoint.
Oftentimes, people are worriedthat you're still feeling this
residual feeling and holding itover them.
So the best thing that you cando is move on and just act
(18:29):
normal, because it doesn'treally need to be addressed
unless it comes up again, andwhen that happens, you hold firm
to that boundary.
Now for those who are a bitskeptical, or more data-driven,
you might be thinking this allsounds nice, but does it really
make a difference?
The answer is a resounding yes,and there's research to prove
(18:51):
it.
The concept of boundaries isclosely linked to what
psychologists callself-differentiation.
Linked to what psychologistscall self-differentiation the
ability to maintain your senseof self while in a close
emotional relationship withothers.
A fascinating body of researchshows a direct link between
healthy boundaries and mentalwell-being.
(19:13):
For example, a 2019 studypublished in the Journal of
Applied Psychology examined theimpact of employees setting
clear boundaries between theirwork and home lives.
The researchers found thatindividuals who were able to set
and maintain these segmentationboundaries not like checking
(19:35):
emails at night or taking a fulllunch break reported
significantly lower levels ofemotional exhaustion and burnout
and higher levels of jobsatisfaction and overall
well-being.
So this isn't just someself-help idea.
It's a scientifically-backedstrategy for preventing burnout
(19:56):
and building a sustainable,fulfilling life.
By setting these small,consistent boundaries, you are
actively protecting your mostvaluable resource yourself your
life, your energy.
Okay, so we've covered a lottoday.
We talked about what boundariesare, why they're so hard but so
(20:19):
necessary, and we dove into thepowerful formula of the I
statement.
But knowledge is only potentialpower.
Action is where the real powerlies.
Life is like a muscle, so takeaction and build it.
Life is like a muscle, so takeaction and build it.
And guess what?
Just like every other skill,setting boundaries is a skill,
(20:49):
and skills are built like amuscle.
So here's some action that youcan take, starting this week.
I don't want you to go out andtry to set a dozen massive
boundaries with the mostdifficult people in your life.
That's a recipe for overwhelmand, frankly, it might not be a
terrible thing to get a littlepractice under your belt before
setting the big ones.
We're going to start small.
(21:09):
Your task is to identify onelow stakes area where you can
set a small, clear boundary.
Maybe it's telling a friend hey, I'd love to hear about this,
but I only have 10 minutes tochat right now.
Maybe it's deciding not tocheck your work email after 8 pm
(21:29):
and sticking to it just for onenight to see the difference.
Maybe it's saying no, thank you.
Or I'm going to have to pass toa small request you'd normally
say yes to purely out ofobligation or even just habit.
Whatever it is, practice it and, if it feels right, try using
(21:50):
the I feel when, because formula.
This often comes into playduring medium to large
boundaries, and I also want tobe clear that using this formula
, or even just I statements ingeneral, is not exclusive to
boundary setting.
You can use parts or all ofthis framework to do a better
(22:13):
job of sharing how you feelwithout having other people get
defensive.
Another thing I would highlyrecommend is pay attention to
how it feels.
It might feel uncomfortable atfirst.
In fact it will.
Your heart might race a little.
That's normal.
That's the feeling of youchoosing yourself.
(22:35):
Stay with it, expand yourcomfort zone, notice that the
world doesn't fall apart, noticethe small sense of peace and
integrity that follows, becausethat's what this is all about
Building a life that feelshonest and true to you, one
courageous choice at a time.
(22:56):
Boundaries are one of thefoundations of that life.
They are one of the ultimateexpressions of self-worth
telling the world and yourselfthat you are worthy of respect,
worthy of rest and worthy ofyour own care.
Rest and worthy of your owncare and remember you are enough
(23:26):
and you deserve to fill up yourinner cup with happiness, true
confidence and resilience.
Thank you for listening to theSage Solutions Podcast.
Your time is valuable and I'mso glad that you continue to
choose to learn and grow herewith me.
(23:48):
We'd love to hear your feedback, so click the link in the
description and let us know whatyou think.
(24:09):
If you haven't already, don'tforget to subscribe so you don't
miss out on more sage advice.
One last thing the legallanguage.
This podcast is for educationaland informational purposes only
.
No-transcript.
Welcome to the Sage Solutions Podcast, where we talk
about all things personalgrowth, personal development and
becoming your best self.
My name is David Sage and I ama self-worth and confidence
coach with Sage CoachingSolutions.
Have you ever found yourselfsaying yes to something while
(00:26):
every fiber of your being wasscreaming no?
Maybe it was agreeing toanother project at work when
your plate was alreadyoverflowing.
Or perhaps it was lending moneyyou couldn't really spare, or
attending a social event whenall you really needed was a
(00:47):
quiet night in.
You say yes and in the moment,a little piece of you just wilts
Resentment.
It starts quietly brewing inthe background and building over
time.
If that sounds familiar, then Ithink this episode is for you,
(01:11):
because today we are talkingabout one of the most vital yet
often misunderstood skills for ahealthy life setting boundaries
Before we get into it.
Our goal with this podcast isto share free, helpful tools
with you and anyone you know whois looking to improve their
(01:33):
life.
So take action, subscribe andshare this podcast with them.
We're about to dismantle themyth that boundaries are selfish
, explore why they're one of theultimate acts of self-respect
and, most importantly, I'm goingto give you a powerful,
practical framework forcommunicating your boundaries in
(01:56):
a way that people can actuallyhear you without getting
defensive.
Now, whether somebody getsdefensive or not is not
something that's actually inyour locus of control, but what
we can do is optimize forpreventing it.
We don't want to be the sparkthat ignites a fire of
(02:19):
defensiveness, becausedefensiveness often leads to
people shutting down and notlistening to what we have to say
.
So let's get into it.
What exactly is a boundary?
I think we hear the word thrownaround a lot, but the
(02:40):
definition can feel a bit fuzzy.
Simply put, a boundary is theline where you end and someone
else begins.
It's not a wall you build toshut people out.
It's not a sanction or apunishment or arbitrary rules
that you set on other people.
(03:00):
It's a gate you install and youget to decide who and what you
let in.
Boundaries are the guidelinesand the rules you create for
yourself that dictate what isreasonable, safe and permissible
for other people's behaviortowards you and how you'll
(03:22):
respond when someone crossesthose lines.
They can be physical, likeneeding personal space.
They can be emotional, like notbeing willing to be somebody's
emotional dumping ground.
They can be about your time,like not taking work calls after
7 pm.
And here's the crucial part Nothaving boundaries doesn't make
(03:46):
you a nicer or better person.
It makes you a more tired, moreresentful and more burned out
person.
You teach people how to treatyou through your actions, your
language and your boundaries.
When we consistently let ourboundaries be crossed, we are
sending a message to ourselvesand to the world that our needs
(04:09):
don't matter.
Over time, that chips away atyour self-worth.
It leads to burnout, anxietyand can completely erode our
most important relationships,because true connections
struggle to exist whileresentment is present.
You can't genuinely connectwith someone when you're
(04:33):
secretly frustrated with themfor taking advantage of the
space you never told them thatthey couldn't occupy.
But if boundaries are soimportant, why is setting a
boundary one of the hardestthings for so many of us to do?
Well, it usually comes down tofear, fear and discomfort.
(04:55):
There's a fear of disappointingsomeone.
There's a fear of being seen asselfish or mean.
There's a fear of conflict,that if you say no, the other
person will get angry and ordefensive.
For many of us, we'reconditioned from a young age to
be people pleasers, to beagreeable, to not rock the boat.
(05:17):
This can lead us to learn themaladaptive lesson, that keeping
the peace, even at our ownexpense, is always the right
thing to do and, to be honest,sometimes it is.
We embrace shades of gray onthis podcast, and there are
times where putting our ownwell-being to the side to keep
(05:39):
the peace or to prevent aproblem can be the right choice,
but this should not be anautomatic response.
Setting boundaries is aboutupholding standards for yourself
.
So, to challenge it, I want tosay this Is it truly kind to
(06:01):
allow someone to treat you in away that makes you feel bad?
Is it loving to say yes withyour mouth while your heart says
no, leading you to eventuallyresent that person?
Is it helpful to repeatedlyteach people the wrong way to
treat you further, incentivizingthem to keep doing it?
(06:21):
Or are you really misleadingthem by doing that?
The kindest, most loving thingyou can do for yourself and for
the health of your relationshipsis to be clear and honest about
what is and isn't okay for you.
And this brings me to one of myfavorite thinkers on this topic,
(06:41):
the incredible researcher DrBrene Brown.
She actually has a quote thatcompletely reframed boundaries
for me.
She said daring to setboundaries is about having the
courage to love ourselves, evenwhen we risk disappointing
others.
It's not about pushing othersaway.
(07:04):
It's about having the courageto love yourself.
It's a profound act ofself-compassion.
Setting and upholdingboundaries is a kindness to
yourself.
All right, so we've establishedthe what and the why of
boundaries.
(07:24):
If you're with me right now,then you're ready to be
courageous and to show some loveto yourself with boundaries.
But how do we practically dothis?
How do you say what you need tosay without the other person
immediately throwing up a wallof defensiveness?
This is where so many of usstumble.
(07:45):
We wait until we're at ourbreaking point and then the
boundary comes out, soundinglike an accusation or, if we're
being honest, it is.
We might say something like youare so inconsiderate, you
always call me late at night andexpect me to talk, and then we
(08:06):
throw in you have no respect formy boundaries, which oftentimes
we haven't set that boundary inthe first place.
That's not how boundaries work.
And in this situation, instantlythe other person is feeling
attacked, possibly blindsided.
They hear the word you.
They hear the word alwayscalling them specifically out
(08:29):
and using an infinitive whichtheir brain is likely to want to
fight, because they don'talways do it at least most
likely and then their brain goesinto fight or flight.
Their amygdala activates, theirstress levels spike and their
prefrontal cortex slows down.
They're not listening to yourneed anymore.
They're busy defending theirown character.
(08:52):
You have activated their ego.
So the solution is one of themost powerful communication
tools that you can ever learnthe I statement.
An I statement flips the script.
It takes the focus off ofaccusing the other person and
instead puts the focus on yourexperience.
(09:14):
It's not about what they didwrong.
It's about how their actionsaffected you.
This falls in line with thetrue purpose of a boundary.
Boundaries are not sanctions orpunishments for other people.
They are standards that youuphold for yourself out of
respect for yourself.
(09:35):
We are not setting boundariesto weaponize or to punish others
.
We are setting boundaries forourselves.
Using an I statementaccomplishes this.
A well-structured I statementgenerally has a simple
three-part formula.
(09:55):
I feel has a simple three-partformula.
I feel.
State your emotion and try tostate the emotion as accurately
as I can Whenever possible.
Don't use blanket emotions likehappy, sad, mad.
Try and use an emotion wordthat actually fits as close to
(10:16):
how you actually feel aspossible.
This helps the other personunderstand you better, because
there's a difference betweenusing words like pissed off and
using words like annoyed.
There's a strength ofconnotation and of intensity and
feeling that is wildlydifferent between the two.
(10:36):
So, first, I feel, state youremotion.
Second, when, describe thespecific behavior in a
non-judgmental way.
This can go something like Ifeel annoyed when you interrupt
(10:58):
me mid-sentence.
Now I actually personally thinkthat it is even better, when
possible, to take the you out ofthe statement altogether,
because it makes it even lesspersonal.
The key to this is startingwith I making it about your
(11:20):
standards, your boundaries,following up with the second
part, which is when.
But the when is the mostdangerous part of this, because
it's very easy to say I feelupset when you act like a
complete asshole, which kind ofdefeats the purpose of what
(11:43):
we're doing here, because youare calling them out
specifically and it isaccusatory language.
This is often used as a cop outof saying what I was.
I was making an I statement,this isn't about you.
If you're actually trying tohave success with your
boundaries, you shouldn't betrying to win here.
(12:06):
This isn't about them, this isabout you.
So the best way I could probablysay that is I feel annoyed when
people don't let me finish mysentences because it makes me
feel like they don't care aboutwhat I have to say.
(12:27):
Notice how different this isthan you're such an asshole.
You never let me finish mysentences.
It's a difference in focus.
So step one, I feel, state youremotion.
Step two, when describe thespecific, non-judgmental
behavior.
Step three, because and thenexplain the impact that it has
(12:53):
on you the first time that youset a boundary, especially if
it's not setting a majorboundary, you don't actually
need the fourth step.
However, if you've set aboundary and then somebody has
gone on to cross that boundaryagain, that's when we bring in
(13:14):
the fourth step.
So what I need is would youfollow up with a clear,
actionable, reasonable request?
We also have to be realisticwith our boundaries Because,
just like everything else, thereare shades of gray to
boundaries.
Setting a boundary is not pureupside.
(13:37):
There's always a trade-off.
Now, sometimes the trade-off isalmost nothing and the boundary
is wildly beneficial and havingboundaries is a very clearly
helpful thing.
But if you set unrealisticboundaries such as unrealistic
boundaries such as I will nottolerate anyone ever disagreeing
(14:03):
with me.
You're going to have a hell ofa time in life Because people
are going to disagree with you.
So if you're going to alwayswalk away anytime anyone
disagrees with you, you're nevergoing to learn new things and
you're likely going to alienatethe mass majority of your
relationships.
So it is important that wethink about realistic boundaries
(14:26):
as well.
So, to rein it back in, let'srework that late-night phone
call scenario.
Instead of you're soinconsiderate for calling this
late, what is wrong with you?
Try, hey, I feel flustered whenI get calls about non-urgent
(14:49):
things after 10pm because my dayjob is stressful and that's my
time to unwind and disconnectfrom that stressful day so that
I can get a good night's sleep.
What I need is for us to catchup during the day or early
evening so that I can take careof myself.
Do you feel the difference?
(15:10):
There's no accusation.
There's no infinitives.
Like you always, you never.
You're simply stating yourreality.
You're owning your feelings andclearly, kindly, stating your
need.
It is incredibly difficult forsomeone to argue with how you
(15:32):
feel.
They can argue about whetherthey're inconsiderate, but they
can't really argue with the factthat you feel flustered.
So let's try another one andlet's put this one in a work
context.
Your colleague keeps asking youto take over last-minute tasks
right before you're supposed toleave.
(15:52):
After this continues to happen,it's easy to get pent up to a
point where you fall into thisaccusatory you statement.
You need to stop dumping yourwork on me at 4.55 when I'm done
at 5.
It's just not fair.
Instead, we're going to use aneffective I statement.
I feel overwhelmed when I'mhanded new tasks right at the
(16:16):
end of the day because I'mtrying to wrap up my own
projects and leave on time Goingforward.
What I need is to receive anynew assignments sometime before
three so that I can actuallyplan accordingly and do
something with it.
It's clear, it's kind, it's firm.
It's not personal, it'sprofessional.
(16:37):
It sets a boundary whilepreserving the relationship.
This formula is a game changer.
It takes practice, but it's askill that will serve you in
your career, your friendshipsand your family for the rest of
your life.
Remember, this isn't about them.
Don't focus on what they'vedone wrong.
(16:58):
Focus on the boundary thatyou're setting for yourself,
which means, besides stating howyou feel, try to state your
boundary in a clear, calm, kind,yet firm way, and turn some
compassion in on yourself as oneof the motivating factors for
(17:21):
doing this.
Then, using an I statement inthe way that we just described.
You set your boundary, but evenwhen you do it perfectly, it's
easy to feel like, okay, nowwhat do we do?
It's going to be really awkwardafter this, unless a major
boundary was crossed and it is avery big deal, which is a very
(17:42):
different situation than whatwe've been talking about,
especially if you're setting itfor the first time.
If you're just looking toclearly set that boundary, get
them to acknowledge andunderstand or whatever you need
to do, and then move on.
It's your job, then, to not beawkward about it.
Just move on to another topic,talk about other things as if
(18:06):
nothing happened.
You just took a pause, you setthat line and then you kept on
with your conversation.
There's no need for them tofeel embarrassed or punished or
awkward, because that's not thepoint.
Oftentimes, people are worriedthat you're still feeling this
residual feeling and holding itover them.
So the best thing that you cando is move on and just act
(18:29):
normal, because it doesn'treally need to be addressed
unless it comes up again, andwhen that happens, you hold firm
to that boundary.
Now for those who are a bitskeptical, or more data-driven,
you might be thinking this allsounds nice, but does it really
make a difference?
The answer is a resounding yes,and there's research to prove
(18:51):
it.
The concept of boundaries isclosely linked to what
psychologists callself-differentiation.
Linked to what psychologistscall self-differentiation the
ability to maintain your senseof self while in a close
emotional relationship withothers.
A fascinating body of researchshows a direct link between
healthy boundaries and mentalwell-being.
(19:13):
For example, a 2019 studypublished in the Journal of
Applied Psychology examined theimpact of employees setting
clear boundaries between theirwork and home lives.
The researchers found thatindividuals who were able to set
and maintain these segmentationboundaries not like checking
(19:35):
emails at night or taking a fulllunch break reported
significantly lower levels ofemotional exhaustion and burnout
and higher levels of jobsatisfaction and overall
well-being.
So this isn't just someself-help idea.
It's a scientifically-backedstrategy for preventing burnout
(19:56):
and building a sustainable,fulfilling life.
By setting these small,consistent boundaries, you are
actively protecting your mostvaluable resource yourself your
life, your energy.
Okay, so we've covered a lottoday.
We talked about what boundariesare, why they're so hard but so
(20:19):
necessary, and we dove into thepowerful formula of the I
statement.
But knowledge is only potentialpower.
Action is where the real powerlies.
Life is like a muscle, so takeaction and build it.
Life is like a muscle, so takeaction and build it.
And guess what?
Just like every other skill,setting boundaries is a skill,
(20:49):
and skills are built like amuscle.
So here's some action that youcan take, starting this week.
I don't want you to go out andtry to set a dozen massive
boundaries with the mostdifficult people in your life.
That's a recipe for overwhelmand, frankly, it might not be a
terrible thing to get a littlepractice under your belt before
setting the big ones.
We're going to start small.
(21:09):
Your task is to identify onelow stakes area where you can
set a small, clear boundary.
Maybe it's telling a friend hey, I'd love to hear about this,
but I only have 10 minutes tochat right now.
Maybe it's deciding not tocheck your work email after 8 pm
(21:29):
and sticking to it just for onenight to see the difference.
Maybe it's saying no, thank you.
Or I'm going to have to pass toa small request you'd normally
say yes to purely out ofobligation or even just habit.
Whatever it is, practice it and, if it feels right, try using
(21:50):
the I feel when, because formula.
This often comes into playduring medium to large
boundaries, and I also want tobe clear that using this formula
, or even just I statements ingeneral, is not exclusive to
boundary setting.
You can use parts or all ofthis framework to do a better
(22:13):
job of sharing how you feelwithout having other people get
defensive.
Another thing I would highlyrecommend is pay attention to
how it feels.
It might feel uncomfortable atfirst.
In fact it will.
Your heart might race a little.
That's normal.
That's the feeling of youchoosing yourself.
(22:35):
Stay with it, expand yourcomfort zone, notice that the
world doesn't fall apart, noticethe small sense of peace and
integrity that follows, becausethat's what this is all about
Building a life that feelshonest and true to you, one
courageous choice at a time.
(22:56):
Boundaries are one of thefoundations of that life.
They are one of the ultimateexpressions of self-worth
telling the world and yourselfthat you are worthy of respect,
worthy of rest and worthy ofyour own care.
Rest and worthy of your owncare and remember you are enough
(23:26):
and you deserve to fill up yourinner cup with happiness, true
confidence and resilience.
Thank you for listening to theSage Solutions Podcast.
Your time is valuable and I'mso glad that you continue to
choose to learn and grow herewith me.
(23:48):
We'd love to hear your feedback, so click the link in the
description and let us know whatyou think.
(24:09):
If you haven't already, don'tforget to subscribe so you don't
miss out on more sage advice.
One last thing the legallanguage.
This podcast is for educationaland informational purposes only
.
No-transcript.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
New Heights with Jason & Travis Kelce
Football’s funniest family duo — Jason Kelce of the Philadelphia Eagles and Travis Kelce of the Kansas City Chiefs — team up to provide next-level access to life in the league as it unfolds. The two brothers and Super Bowl champions drop weekly insights about the weekly slate of games and share their INSIDE perspectives on trending NFL news and sports headlines. They also endlessly rag on each other as brothers do, chat the latest in pop culture and welcome some very popular and well-known friends to chat with them. Check out new episodes every Wednesday. Follow New Heights on the Wondery App, YouTube or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to new episodes early and ad-free, and get exclusive content on Wondery+. Join Wondery+ in the Wondery App, Apple Podcasts or Spotify. And join our new membership for a unique fan experience by going to the New Heights YouTube channel now!
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.