August 12, 2025 • 34 mins
Ever wondered how to break through emotional barriers when you weren't raised to express feelings? Or how to push past gym insecurity when you're just starting your fitness journey? This episode tackles these common but challenging scenarios with practical, actionable advice that goes beyond surface-level solutions.
David Sage explores the profound connection between emotional awareness and confidence, revealing how vulnerability—when approached with social intelligence—actually demonstrates strength rather than weakness. Through a compelling analogy about body language, he illustrates how confident people naturally expose vulnerable areas while insecure people remain guarded and protected. This perspective shift alone could transform how you approach emotional openness in your relationships.
For those struggling with gym anxiety, David breaks down the "physics of action"—a framework for understanding how to build momentum in any challenging endeavor. His insight that "emotion causes motion, but motion also creates emotion" provides a powerful strategy for overcoming inertia and building lasting habits. Rather than waiting to feel motivated, taking even minimal action can generate the positive emotions needed to continue.
What makes this episode particularly valuable is how these principles apply universally across different life challenges. Whether you're working on emotional intelligence, fitness goals, career advancement, or relationship building, the same fundamental approaches to awareness, action, and momentum apply. The episode offers both immediate tactical solutions (like wearing baggy clothes to the gym if that reduces friction) and long-term strategic approaches for changing self-limiting beliefs.
Ready to transform how you approach personal challenges? Listen now, and discover why self-awareness, consistent small actions, and socially intelligent vulnerability might be the keys to unlocking your next level of growth. Then share your experience with us—we'd love to hear which strategies worked best for your unique situation!
We would love to hear your feedback! Click here to tell us what you think.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Welcome to the Sage Solutions Podcast, where we talk
about all things personalgrowth, personal development and
becoming your best self.
My name is David Sage and I'm aself-worth and confidence coach
with Sage Coaching Solutions.
Today's episode should bepretty interesting.
(00:26):
It's going to be unique becausewe haven't done one with quite
this format.
I actually have to give creditto my co-host for this episode,
Anna Sage, who came up with theidea for what we should do this
week.
So, in preparation for thisepisode, Anna has prepared some
questions that are commonlyasked and things that people
(00:50):
seek advice on, and I'm going totry and answer these questions
as best as I can, using myexperience as a coach and many
of the different topics thatwe've talked about on this
podcast in quasi-real-lifesituations.
I also want to clarify thatthis is not a simulation of
(01:12):
coaching.
Coaching is a good chunkdifferent than this.
While there's some overlap,there is a lot, lot more
question asking andpersonalization in the coaching
process that can't really beshown in these generic questions
(01:33):
like this.
But before we get into it, ourgoal with this podcast is to
share free, helpful tools withyou and anyone you know who is
looking to improve their life.
So take action, subscribe andshare this podcast with them.
Speaker 2 (01:55):
So, just to clarify, all of the questions that I'm
about to be asking are not myown personal questions.
Rather, they're questions thatI did some research on as far as
what are some of the mostcommon situations that people
seek advice for, and we'll gofrom there.
Speaker 1 (02:15):
Sounds good.
Speaker 2 (02:16):
So the first question is I've been trying to be more
emotionally open, but I wasn'traised that way.
Speaker 1 (02:28):
How do I even start?
So I know that this is ascenario and that this isn't a
real person, but for the sake ofexample, I would naturally be
asking some questions to getmore information and clarify
before I could give an answer.
To get more information andclarify before I could give an
answer.
I do have some thoughtsimmediately, but I would want to
understand this person first.
(02:50):
So can we start with some ofthe broad information and
categories that this personwould fall into, so I have an
understanding of like who I'mtalking to?
Speaker 2 (03:00):
Sure, do you want me to just make up?
Speaker 1 (03:02):
like a backstory All right church.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
Do you want me to just make up a backstory?
All right, let's say it is awoman who is in her late 50s and
she was raised in a small ruralcommunity, very close knit in
Texas.
And let's see what else could Igive you for context.
Her parents were incrediblyhardworking, but they modeled an
(03:30):
attitude of buckle up and getthe work done and save your
tears for your pillow.
Speaker 1 (03:37):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (03:38):
Does that work?
Speaker 1 (03:39):
Yeah, totally.
In lieu of asking a bunch ofquestions and getting too too
deep into this person's fakedetails, my follow-up questions
are going to be what does thishypothetical person do for work?
What is this person'srelationship status?
And, if they have a partner, dothey have any kids?
Speaker 2 (04:04):
So again, just come up with.
Speaker 1 (04:06):
Yeah, this is a hypothetical.
Speaker 2 (04:08):
Gotcha Okay.
So this person is a registerednurse, they are married and they
do not have any kids, but theyhave pets.
Speaker 1 (04:20):
So, unlike real coaching, where this would be
done over multiple sessions andI would get to know a lot more
about the inner workings of theperson, this is going to be a
bit more generalized and blanketadvice, but having some
understanding of this person.
There are multiple ways that wecould start, but if you're
(04:42):
looking to become moreemotionally open, it starts with
awareness.
So I think the very first thingthat we have to start looking
(05:05):
at is self-awareness, which wewould likely do by working on
mindfulness for the sake of notre going back into some of the
topics that we've talked aboutin their full depth, which is
why we do these in-depthepisodes on specific topics.
This is going to be aconglomeration of a number of
different things, and that isgenerally how real life works.
(05:25):
So we've covered that.
At your core, you're not all ofthe things that you ascribe to
yourself, and you're not eventruly the stories that you tell
yourself about who you are.
You are the consciousness thatexperiences your life, and we
(05:48):
can use that understanding tohelp us have a base of being
able to detach from the storiesthat we tell ourselves as the
consciousness that'sexperiencing your life.
One of our most powerful toolsis mindfulness, just being aware
(06:10):
of your thoughts, of yourfeelings, of your emotions, of
your beliefs, of your values,where your needs are at.
All of these things combineinto self-awareness.
So we're going to start withthat base understanding and
start utilizing mindfulness toincrease our awareness of our
(06:34):
thoughts and start doing thingslike metacognition, which is
thinking about thinking, aboutthinking right.
Once we've started to develop aself-awareness of who we are and
how we think about things, wecan move on to building
emotional awareness.
(06:55):
We build emotional awareness byonce again using mindfulness to
bring our awareness in thepresent moment to the emotions
that we're feeling.
And we can expand our emotionalawareness by learning about all
(07:15):
of the different emotions andthe different words we can use
to describe emotions, so that wedon't only use words like happy
, sad, mad.
We can use much more nuancedlanguage to shape our
understanding of the feelingsthat we're feeling.
This is the foundation, this isthe starting place.
(07:40):
By becoming more aware of ouremotions and building this
muscle of emotional awareness,it makes it that much easier to
move on to becoming moreemotionally open, which can then
move on to share their emotionsand be vulnerable when they
(08:09):
likely have a foundationalbelief that has been built into
them by their parents thatyou're not supposed to share or
be open about your emotionsbecause of I forget the exact
verbiage, but I think you saidsomething about.
Speaker 2 (08:28):
Like, essentially, tough it out and save your.
It's supposed to be somethingyou do in private, you know.
Speaker 1 (08:33):
Right, and I do want to be clear there are times for
that.
You don't necessarily want to,especially as a nurse, be having
that emotional.
So this might also be extratough on this person because
they are working with patientswhere they can't afford to have
that emotional breakdown whenthat person is in a tough spot
(08:57):
and that can be a veryemotionally taxing job.
But that's all the more reasonfor this person to develop
emotional awareness, to givethemselves space to feel when
they have it, you know, and tothen go on to develop skills
like vulnerability, empathy and,eventually, emotional
(09:20):
resilience, emotional regulation, and we would move on to some
of the state change hacks oflike your emotional state as
well.
I think another thing that weshould touch on is a common
misconception surroundingemotions being A form of
(09:44):
weakness, or even peoplebelieving that they are logical
and that they don't makedecisions based on emotion.
Speaker 2 (09:53):
I just wanted to jump in here because once upon a
time you told me an analogy ofvulnerability being strength and
flipping that dynamic of whenyou're vulnerable, you're being
weak, and that visual has alwaysstuck with me to this day and
(10:13):
really helped me redefine myunderstanding of vulnerability
as a strength.
So I didn't know if that'swhere you were leading into, but
I think that's super powerfuland you should share it.
Speaker 1 (10:24):
It's not, but I do agree.
Socially intelligentvulnerability is strength.
Speaker 2 (10:32):
Ah, keyword socially intelligent, which is true.
You got to know when it'sappropriate and when it's not.
Speaker 1 (10:38):
Because emotional dumping is not strength, if that
makes sense.
Speaker 2 (10:44):
If that makes sense.
Yes, anna is working on that.
Speaker 1 (11:04):
So what I'm getting at is actually that the mass
majority of our motivations fordoing things, if not almost all,
are some form of feelings andemotions.
Pain, pleasure, drive,enjoyment, motivation, even as a
feeling, inspiration, anger,happiness, sadness, minor
annoyance All of these emotionsand feelings Drive our action
(11:26):
Are the motivational drivers.
You feel an emotional tugtowards something that you value
.
You feel an emotional tugtowards getting your needs met.
All of these things areactually emotional.
It is your emotional brain thatdrives the car.
Your logical brain can figurethings out and you can trick
(11:51):
yourself into believing thatyour logical brain is driving
the car and occasionally, with alot of willpower, you can get
yourself to have the logicalbrain drive the car for small
little bouts of time.
Brain drive the car for smalllittle bouts of time, but most
of the time what you're actuallydoing is having the emotional
brain drive the car and yourlogical brain is rationalizing
(12:15):
why you did it and saying, oh,because it just made the most
sense to do it that way, becauseof this and this and this and
this and this.
Speaker 2 (12:25):
So how, then, does an understanding of, and
self-awareness of, emotions fitinto the concept of socially
aware vulnerability being astrength and not a weakness,
like how does emotions tie intovulnerability and how do they
together become a strength andnot a weakness?
Speaker 1 (12:48):
And how do they together become a strength and
not a weakness?
I don't know that it's alwaysnecessarily about vulnerability,
but I I think where I'm goinghere is.
Speaker 2 (12:59):
can you just share that analogy?
That you shared with me a longtime ago.
I found it super powerful.
It's somewhat related time ago,I found it super powerful, it's
somewhat related and it reallyhelped me rethink and understand
how the purpose of these thingsdeveloped right.
Speaker 1 (13:17):
All right, let me lead into it then.
So, now that we're looking atthe fact that emotions and
feelings drive our behaviorright, our actions, our
decisions generally I mean youmake logical decisions too, but
our behavior and our actions aremotivated by emotions and
(13:42):
feelings.
Everyone is like that.
You are not the exception.
And feelings Everyone is likethat.
You are not the exception.
Everyone works that way.
And once we accept that, thenwhy would having an
understanding, an awareness, anintelligence, some control over
your emotions be a weakness?
(14:02):
If almost everything that youdo is driven by emotions and
feelings, then having someawareness and intelligence and
ability to regulate those thingsgives you much more power over
your ability to actually do thethings that you want to do in
your life.
(14:22):
And everyone else is the same.
We all have our feelings andemotions.
So sharing, through beingvulnerable or being open about
your emotions in a sociallyintelligent manner is strength,
because it connects you to otherpeople.
(14:44):
It's strength because it takescourage.
If you think about bodylanguage, I want you to picture
someone who's feeling insecure.
Speaker 2 (14:56):
In my mind I see someone who has their head down.
They maybe have their armscrossed in front of their body.
Their back is hunched over.
Speaker 1 (15:09):
They're looking at the ground.
Sure, they are protecting allof their vulnerable spots with
that body language.
If somebody were to attack them, they are already protecting
all of their vulnerable toattack regions of their body,
meaning that when you'reinsecure, you subconsciously
(15:30):
want to protect yourself andhide, and not be vulnerable.
What does confident bodylanguage look like?
Speaker 2 (15:39):
I'm picturing somebody with their chest lifted
, their shoulders down with ease, their chin and eyes lifted,
kind of like strutting and veryopen.
Speaker 1 (15:51):
In this body language .
Their heart is exposed, theirorgans are exposed.
They're not blocking themselveswith their arms.
Their neck is exposed.
They're not in a guardedposition.
They're actually in a veryvulnerable position because they
feel secure.
Vulnerability in language, whendone in a socially intelligent
(16:15):
manner, is the same.
Vulnerability is a powerfultool towards confidence because
it requires courage.
People who aren't confident andare insecure aren't going to be
vulnerable because they'refeeling guarded.
They're feeling insecure.
(16:35):
Being vulnerable in a sociallyintelligent manner actually
shows confidence because ittakes courage.
Speaker 2 (16:44):
So, essentially, if this person has a self-awareness
of their emotions, develops anintelligence of what they're
feeling, and then moves towardsdeveloping an understanding of
when it's appropriate to sharethose feelings and how to
communicate them, they wouldactually be more secure and more
(17:05):
confident and more vulnerable,right.
Speaker 1 (17:09):
Right, and vulnerability is honesty
connection, because we're allhuman and we're all vulnerable.
So by being vulnerable, bysharing these things that we all
have in common as humanssharing these things that we all
(17:29):
have in common as humans youalso connect to other people
more.
It might feel uncomfortable,but that's because you're making
yourself vulnerable.
It takes courage, but that'swhy confident people use
vulnerability and it connectsyou to other people.
The confident person doesn'thave to pretend that they're
cool.
They don't have to pretend thateverything is perfect.
That's often the insecureperson trying to convince
(17:53):
everybody that everything isperfect and not willing to share
any of their personal details.
And then the last thing I wouldsay is, once you get to that
point where you're going tostart trying to use some
intelligent vulnerability, do itwith people that you know you
can trust not to stab you youknow like.
(18:16):
Do it with people that you knowyou can be open with Maybe some
of your closest people.
In this hypothetical example,for her to start with her
husband might be a good place tostart.
It depends on the person.
Obviously, he may not be opento it, but it's somebody that
knows her intimately and it'sthe least risky to do it.
Speaker 2 (18:39):
Whereas maybe jumping right in with her parents, who
have a very different mentalityand maybe are older and kind of
stuck in that mindset, may notbe the best person to start this
out with, would you agree?
Speaker 1 (18:53):
Yeah, and I think there are some people that it
may not be a good idea to bevulnerable with.
Speaker 2 (19:01):
And that's okay.
Speaker 1 (19:03):
Remember, vulnerability is actually
opening yourself up to attack,and if you know that that is the
type of person that is going toattack that vulnerability, then
it doesn't actually make a lotof sense to be vulnerable.
Speaker 2 (19:16):
Yeah, I agree, that makes sense to me.
Speaker 1 (19:28):
With awareness, self-awareness, mindfulness,
understanding our thoughts andour emotions, and then working
on building emotional awareness.
That is the starting point forbecoming more emotionally open.
Speaker 2 (19:40):
All right, let's do another scenario.
This time I'm a man who's in myearly 20s, and here is my
scenario.
I just recently started workingout, but I feel super
self-conscious at the gym.
How do people push through thatphase?
Speaker 1 (19:58):
Just a couple quick questions about this
hypothetical man in his 20s.
What is his relationship status?
Speaker 2 (20:07):
I'm a single man.
Okay, what is?
Speaker 1 (20:09):
his relationship status.
I'm a single man, okay.
Has this individual hadrelationships in the past?
Speaker 2 (20:20):
He has, but nothing very successful, and he really
wants.
He's seeking a relationship.
Okay, okay, seeking arelationship Okay.
Is the primary motivation forthis man getting strong in the
gym to attract women, yes, andto feel more confident about his
(20:40):
body.
Speaker 1 (20:42):
Okay, also, I'm not saying that there's anything
wrong with that.
To be clear, I'm not trying toshame anybody.
Whatever motivates you to takecare of your health, use it.
Is this person in school orhave they graduated from a
college?
Speaker 2 (20:58):
They are in their going into their senior year of
college and they're on summerbreak, so they decided to start
a gym membership.
Speaker 1 (21:07):
Okay, and then what?
What?
Not to get too far down therabbit hole.
What is this person going intofor schooling?
Speaker 2 (21:16):
He's looking to get into the finance business.
Speaker 1 (21:19):
So we're talking about a man in finance with a
trust fund who's 6'5 and hasblue eyes.
Speaker 2 (21:25):
No, If he was 6'5, he'd probably be more confident.
To be honest with you.
Speaker 1 (21:33):
You know what?
To be honest in their favor,doesn't you know?
This guy is going to the gym.
(21:53):
He might be 6'5".
Like we don't actually have tobe 6'5".
But just for the sake ofexample, for a second here, if
you're 6'5 and have no muscle,you're going to look like this
gangly long you know.
Speaker 2 (22:05):
So actually that could actually be a good
scenario.
He's really tall, but he's niceand gangly, and so he's like I
don't want that anymore.
Speaker 1 (22:11):
Like I don't want that anymore, All right?
Well, I'm not going to go withthe trust fund.
Speaker 2 (22:16):
Let's take that out of the equation.
He's poor.
He's got college debt.
Speaker 1 (22:21):
All right, okay, so this one is a little bit
different, because I wouldnormally be asking a lot more
questions, because this is muchcloser to the realm of what I
directly coach.
But for the sake of generalgood advice, is the goal to not
(22:44):
feel insecure or is the goal tobe successful at the gym?
Speaker 2 (22:50):
Can the guy have two goals?
I would think both my questionis yes, that's not.
Speaker 1 (22:55):
What is the primary goal?
If he had to pick one, what ismore important to him?
Speaker 2 (23:01):
I think what's more important to him would be
getting strong, accomplishinghis goal.
But I think the biggest barrieris the insecurity right.
So he's like how do I overcomethat?
Speaker 1 (23:15):
So there's a short-term answer and there's a
long-term answer, right?
The short-term answer is inorder to achieve the goal of
going to the gym, take steps toreduce the friction and to make
yourself not feel as insecure.
If you need to wear some baggyclothes like sweatpants and a
sweatshirt so that you don'tlook at yourself in the mirror
(23:38):
and you know body shame yourself, so that you don't do the work,
then do it.
If your primary goal is to getstrong, it is literally building
a muscle.
I'm not going to go throughlike the sets and reps and stuff
he should do, but it's the sameideology that we talk about in
life is like a muscle.
(23:58):
It's going to be consistency,it's going to be showing up.
Life is like a muscle, so takeaction and build it.
Optimize for action.
It's not going to be prettyimmediately.
There aren't switch flips thatare going to immediately make
you not feel insecure in the gym.
(24:19):
If you feel insecure about yourbody Now, in the meantime you
can do a lot of things like giveyourself some self-compassion
when you have those thoughts,become aware of your self-talk
and reframe it into things likeI am getting stronger, not, I am
not strong.
(24:41):
You can start changingself-limiting beliefs.
You know this is what we handlein the coaching, but it's a
process.
It takes time.
You can't just switch all ofyour beliefs and your self-talk
overnight.
You can play music that makesyou feel pumped up and more
confident while you're there sothat it helps distract you, so
that you're more in the zone atthe gym.
(25:03):
There's nothing wrong withusing tips and tricks and hacks
if they get you to do it.
You know Five-second rule, whenyou're thinking about not going
to the gym and you're thinking,oh, I'm going to feel so small
and insecure, stop thinkingabout that.
Five, four, three, two, one,put your shoes on, go.
(25:24):
A lot of action is really aboutactivation, energy.
What is the minimum viableaction that you can get yourself
to do?
Because emotion creates motion.
But motion creates emotion.
What does that matter?
It means if you take action,you tend to feel a swell of
(25:47):
motivation to continue thataction.
Speaker 2 (25:50):
Can you say that again?
I got a little lost in all themotions.
What?
Speaker 1 (25:54):
Emotion.
Speaker 2 (25:55):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (25:57):
Causes motion Okay or action.
Speaker 2 (26:00):
How we feel drives what we do.
Right, right, okay.
Speaker 1 (26:04):
What we do also has a major effect on how we feel.
Speaker 2 (26:10):
Yeah, makes sense.
Speaker 1 (26:11):
So if you can get yourself through a burst of
willpower, through feelinginspired, through the five
second rule or any other meansto start the action, the minimum
viable action, oftentimes themotivation and emotion causing
the motivation will come with it.
Speaker 2 (26:35):
That makes sense.
Say the whole thing one moretime, because that's actually
really powerful.
What was it again?
The phrase.
Speaker 1 (26:41):
Emotion causes motion or action, and taking action or
making a motion also drivesyour emotions.
Speaker 2 (26:52):
That totally makes sense, because when I think
about when I'm stuck in a rut,not going and taking care of
myself either physically, noteating, right, that kind of a
thing and then I start takingthe right actions, I start
feeling better about myself, andthen feeling better about
myself makes me want to keeptaking that action.
Is that kind of the idea?
Speaker 1 (27:13):
Yeah, well, not to get way into this concept of the
physics of action where we talkabout inertia, momentum,
friction.
The idea is, I mean, I guess wecan touch on those, reduce the
friction and all of the thingsthat would prevent it, make it
as easy as possible to go to thegym, the things that would
(27:36):
prevent it, make it as easy aspossible to go to the gym, right
?
Second would be inertia.
Inertia is the day-to-day.
An object at rest tends to stayat rest.
An object in motion tends tostay in motion.
Once you have started, onceyou've done the activation
energy, the ignition of the car,you tend to stay in motion.
When you're at rest and youhaven't started, you're much
more likely to stay at rest.
(27:57):
If you've even started thesmallest piece of what you can
do, whether it's writing a book,and you write one word, you're
much more likely to write therest of the sentence.
Once you start, once you takethat minimum viable action, you
are much more likely to stay inmotion, because the emotion then
(28:18):
comes and then momentum isreally like inertia.
When it comes to action, youare accumulating mass through
(28:42):
multiple days of inertia, henceinertia over time.
So if inertia is whether you'rein motion or at rest during the
day of or hour of or whatever.
In the moment, momentum is like, hey, I did the thing yesterday
.
That makes it easier to do ittoday because I've started a
(29:05):
momentum.
There's some weight behind whatI'm doing and the more days in
a row that you start that youkeep doing it, you build
momentum and then eventually youbuild the habit and once the
force of habit kicks in, itbecomes automatic.
And while you're there, youmight as well start using some
of the strategies for intrinsicmotivation while you're doing it
(29:27):
, so that you start buildingthis sense of motivation towards
wanting to do it in and ofitself.
And while you're doing it,you're building skills like grit
and discipline and willpower.
So, to summarize because thisone is literally about building
muscles and I'm not going togive specific workout advice,
(29:50):
just the general ideology of howyou build a muscle you utilize
things like the compound effectand you do it over and over and
over over time.
So do whatever you need to tooptimize the scenario so that
(30:11):
you don't feel those things likewearing baggier clothes until
you feel more comfortablelistening to music that's going
to pump you up.
Start doing work on your ownseparately so that over time you
can make progress on yourself-talk, on your beliefs,
maybe on giving your body somelove at home instead of at the
(30:33):
gym where all the super musclyguys are.
Do it in private.
I think sometimes there'spressure that you must accept
your body right now, you know,and that you're like doing
yourself a disservice if youcan't.
But what if you can't?
In that moment it's okay.
Give yourself compassion forfeeling those feelings and do
what you need to do to stillaccomplish your goals, using all
(30:56):
of the things behind buildingthis part of your life like a
muscle and taking action andutilizing all of the
understanding of the physicsreducing the friction, using
inertia, using intrinsicmotivation.
Inertia using intrinsicmotivation.
(31:17):
Building momentum over time andthen building a habit or even a
routine or a string of habitsso that this just becomes
automatic.
Speaker 2 (31:23):
I'm just kind of sitting here in awe a little bit
, if I can be totally honest,because you're really good at
giving actionable advice in away that is easy to understand
and I really like this formatthat we're doing.
I'm hoping that peoplelistening to it will get a lot
of value from it, find ways thatit can relate to their own
(31:44):
situations and get someactionable steps to help them or
apply it to their slightlydifferent situation.
You know, and let us know whatyou guys think.
If you think this is superhelpful, if you want to hear
more of these scenario typeepisodes, reach out, let us know
.
We were trying different thingsand just seeing what what works
.
But, David, I just wanted togive you a quick moment of
(32:06):
praise and be like wow it's,this is really cool.
I like it a lot.
Speaker 1 (32:11):
Well, thank you, and I'm hoping that what we talked
about during this episode ishelpful and applicable to a lot
of people in a lot of differentscenarios.
Yes, I had us make the personmore specific, but that doesn't
mean that there isn't still aton of crossover and parts of it
(32:32):
that are applicable in manyother scenarios.
While this is all generallyhelpful and beneficial
information, it isn'tpersonalized.
If you're looking forindividualized advice and are
interested in receiving coaching, you can reach out to me at
sagecoachingsolutions atgmailcom.
(32:52):
Sagecoachingsolutions atgmailcom.
And remember you are enough andyou deserve to fill up your
inner cup with happiness, trueconfidence and resilience.
Thank you for listening to theSage Solutions Podcast.
(33:16):
Your time is valuable and I'mso glad that you choose to learn
and grow here with me.
If you haven't already, don'tforget to subscribe so you don't
miss out on more sage advice.
One last thing the legallanguage.
(33:42):
This podcast is for educationaland informational purposes only
.
No coaching client relationshipis formed.
It is not intended as asubstitute for the personalized
advice of a physician,professional coach,
psychotherapist or otherqualified professional.
Welcome to the Sage Solutions Podcast, where we talk
about all things personalgrowth, personal development and
becoming your best self.
My name is David Sage and I'm aself-worth and confidence coach
with Sage Coaching Solutions.
Today's episode should bepretty interesting.
(00:26):
It's going to be unique becausewe haven't done one with quite
this format.
I actually have to give creditto my co-host for this episode,
Anna Sage, who came up with theidea for what we should do this
week.
So, in preparation for thisepisode, Anna has prepared some
questions that are commonlyasked and things that people
(00:50):
seek advice on, and I'm going totry and answer these questions
as best as I can, using myexperience as a coach and many
of the different topics thatwe've talked about on this
podcast in quasi-real-lifesituations.
I also want to clarify thatthis is not a simulation of
(01:12):
coaching.
Coaching is a good chunkdifferent than this.
While there's some overlap,there is a lot, lot more
question asking andpersonalization in the coaching
process that can't really beshown in these generic questions
(01:33):
like this.
But before we get into it, ourgoal with this podcast is to
share free, helpful tools withyou and anyone you know who is
looking to improve their life.
So take action, subscribe andshare this podcast with them.
Speaker 2 (01:55):
So, just to clarify, all of the questions that I'm
about to be asking are not myown personal questions.
Rather, they're questions thatI did some research on as far as
what are some of the mostcommon situations that people
seek advice for, and we'll gofrom there.
Speaker 1 (02:15):
Sounds good.
Speaker 2 (02:16):
So the first question is I've been trying to be more
emotionally open, but I wasn'traised that way.
Speaker 1 (02:28):
How do I even start?
So I know that this is ascenario and that this isn't a
real person, but for the sake ofexample, I would naturally be
asking some questions to getmore information and clarify
before I could give an answer.
To get more information andclarify before I could give an
answer.
I do have some thoughtsimmediately, but I would want to
understand this person first.
(02:50):
So can we start with some ofthe broad information and
categories that this personwould fall into, so I have an
understanding of like who I'mtalking to?
Speaker 2 (03:00):
Sure, do you want me to just make up?
Speaker 1 (03:02):
like a backstory All right church.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
Do you want me to just make up a backstory?
All right, let's say it is awoman who is in her late 50s and
she was raised in a small ruralcommunity, very close knit in
Texas.
And let's see what else could Igive you for context.
Her parents were incrediblyhardworking, but they modeled an
(03:30):
attitude of buckle up and getthe work done and save your
tears for your pillow.
Speaker 1 (03:37):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (03:38):
Does that work?
Speaker 1 (03:39):
Yeah, totally.
In lieu of asking a bunch ofquestions and getting too too
deep into this person's fakedetails, my follow-up questions
are going to be what does thishypothetical person do for work?
What is this person'srelationship status?
And, if they have a partner, dothey have any kids?
Speaker 2 (04:04):
So again, just come up with.
Speaker 1 (04:06):
Yeah, this is a hypothetical.
Speaker 2 (04:08):
Gotcha Okay.
So this person is a registerednurse, they are married and they
do not have any kids, but theyhave pets.
Speaker 1 (04:20):
So, unlike real coaching, where this would be
done over multiple sessions andI would get to know a lot more
about the inner workings of theperson, this is going to be a
bit more generalized and blanketadvice, but having some
understanding of this person.
There are multiple ways that wecould start, but if you're
(04:42):
looking to become moreemotionally open, it starts with
awareness.
So I think the very first thingthat we have to start looking
(05:05):
at is self-awareness, which wewould likely do by working on
mindfulness for the sake of notre going back into some of the
topics that we've talked aboutin their full depth, which is
why we do these in-depthepisodes on specific topics.
This is going to be aconglomeration of a number of
different things, and that isgenerally how real life works.
(05:25):
So we've covered that.
At your core, you're not all ofthe things that you ascribe to
yourself, and you're not eventruly the stories that you tell
yourself about who you are.
You are the consciousness thatexperiences your life, and we
(05:48):
can use that understanding tohelp us have a base of being
able to detach from the storiesthat we tell ourselves as the
consciousness that'sexperiencing your life.
One of our most powerful toolsis mindfulness, just being aware
(06:10):
of your thoughts, of yourfeelings, of your emotions, of
your beliefs, of your values,where your needs are at.
All of these things combineinto self-awareness.
So we're going to start withthat base understanding and
start utilizing mindfulness toincrease our awareness of our
(06:34):
thoughts and start doing thingslike metacognition, which is
thinking about thinking, aboutthinking right.
Once we've started to develop aself-awareness of who we are and
how we think about things, wecan move on to building
emotional awareness.
(06:55):
We build emotional awareness byonce again using mindfulness to
bring our awareness in thepresent moment to the emotions
that we're feeling.
And we can expand our emotionalawareness by learning about all
(07:15):
of the different emotions andthe different words we can use
to describe emotions, so that wedon't only use words like happy
, sad, mad.
We can use much more nuancedlanguage to shape our
understanding of the feelingsthat we're feeling.
This is the foundation, this isthe starting place.
(07:40):
By becoming more aware of ouremotions and building this
muscle of emotional awareness,it makes it that much easier to
move on to becoming moreemotionally open, which can then
move on to share their emotionsand be vulnerable when they
(08:09):
likely have a foundationalbelief that has been built into
them by their parents thatyou're not supposed to share or
be open about your emotionsbecause of I forget the exact
verbiage, but I think you saidsomething about.
Speaker 2 (08:28):
Like, essentially, tough it out and save your.
It's supposed to be somethingyou do in private, you know.
Speaker 1 (08:33):
Right, and I do want to be clear there are times for
that.
You don't necessarily want to,especially as a nurse, be having
that emotional.
So this might also be extratough on this person because
they are working with patientswhere they can't afford to have
that emotional breakdown whenthat person is in a tough spot
(08:57):
and that can be a veryemotionally taxing job.
But that's all the more reasonfor this person to develop
emotional awareness, to givethemselves space to feel when
they have it, you know, and tothen go on to develop skills
like vulnerability, empathy and,eventually, emotional
(09:20):
resilience, emotional regulation, and we would move on to some
of the state change hacks oflike your emotional state as
well.
I think another thing that weshould touch on is a common
misconception surroundingemotions being A form of
(09:44):
weakness, or even peoplebelieving that they are logical
and that they don't makedecisions based on emotion.
Speaker 2 (09:53):
I just wanted to jump in here because once upon a
time you told me an analogy ofvulnerability being strength and
flipping that dynamic of whenyou're vulnerable, you're being
weak, and that visual has alwaysstuck with me to this day and
(10:13):
really helped me redefine myunderstanding of vulnerability
as a strength.
So I didn't know if that'swhere you were leading into, but
I think that's super powerfuland you should share it.
Speaker 1 (10:24):
It's not, but I do agree.
Socially intelligentvulnerability is strength.
Speaker 2 (10:32):
Ah, keyword socially intelligent, which is true.
You got to know when it'sappropriate and when it's not.
Speaker 1 (10:38):
Because emotional dumping is not strength, if that
makes sense.
Speaker 2 (10:44):
If that makes sense.
Yes, anna is working on that.
Speaker 1 (11:04):
So what I'm getting at is actually that the mass
majority of our motivations fordoing things, if not almost all,
are some form of feelings andemotions.
Pain, pleasure, drive,enjoyment, motivation, even as a
feeling, inspiration, anger,happiness, sadness, minor
annoyance All of these emotionsand feelings Drive our action
(11:26):
Are the motivational drivers.
You feel an emotional tugtowards something that you value
.
You feel an emotional tugtowards getting your needs met.
All of these things areactually emotional.
It is your emotional brain thatdrives the car.
Your logical brain can figurethings out and you can trick
(11:51):
yourself into believing thatyour logical brain is driving
the car and occasionally, with alot of willpower, you can get
yourself to have the logicalbrain drive the car for small
little bouts of time.
Brain drive the car for smalllittle bouts of time, but most
of the time what you're actuallydoing is having the emotional
brain drive the car and yourlogical brain is rationalizing
(12:15):
why you did it and saying, oh,because it just made the most
sense to do it that way, becauseof this and this and this and
this and this.
Speaker 2 (12:25):
So how, then, does an understanding of, and
self-awareness of, emotions fitinto the concept of socially
aware vulnerability being astrength and not a weakness,
like how does emotions tie intovulnerability and how do they
together become a strength andnot a weakness?
Speaker 1 (12:48):
And how do they together become a strength and
not a weakness?
I don't know that it's alwaysnecessarily about vulnerability,
but I I think where I'm goinghere is.
Speaker 2 (12:59):
can you just share that analogy?
That you shared with me a longtime ago.
I found it super powerful.
It's somewhat related time ago,I found it super powerful, it's
somewhat related and it reallyhelped me rethink and understand
how the purpose of these thingsdeveloped right.
Speaker 1 (13:17):
All right, let me lead into it then.
So, now that we're looking atthe fact that emotions and
feelings drive our behaviorright, our actions, our
decisions generally I mean youmake logical decisions too, but
our behavior and our actions aremotivated by emotions and
(13:42):
feelings.
Everyone is like that.
You are not the exception.
And feelings Everyone is likethat.
You are not the exception.
Everyone works that way.
And once we accept that, thenwhy would having an
understanding, an awareness, anintelligence, some control over
your emotions be a weakness?
(14:02):
If almost everything that youdo is driven by emotions and
feelings, then having someawareness and intelligence and
ability to regulate those thingsgives you much more power over
your ability to actually do thethings that you want to do in
your life.
(14:22):
And everyone else is the same.
We all have our feelings andemotions.
So sharing, through beingvulnerable or being open about
your emotions in a sociallyintelligent manner is strength,
because it connects you to otherpeople.
(14:44):
It's strength because it takescourage.
If you think about bodylanguage, I want you to picture
someone who's feeling insecure.
Speaker 2 (14:56):
In my mind I see someone who has their head down.
They maybe have their armscrossed in front of their body.
Their back is hunched over.
Speaker 1 (15:09):
They're looking at the ground.
Sure, they are protecting allof their vulnerable spots with
that body language.
If somebody were to attack them, they are already protecting
all of their vulnerable toattack regions of their body,
meaning that when you'reinsecure, you subconsciously
(15:30):
want to protect yourself andhide, and not be vulnerable.
What does confident bodylanguage look like?
Speaker 2 (15:39):
I'm picturing somebody with their chest lifted
, their shoulders down with ease, their chin and eyes lifted,
kind of like strutting and veryopen.
Speaker 1 (15:51):
In this body language .
Their heart is exposed, theirorgans are exposed.
They're not blocking themselveswith their arms.
Their neck is exposed.
They're not in a guardedposition.
They're actually in a veryvulnerable position because they
feel secure.
Vulnerability in language, whendone in a socially intelligent
(16:15):
manner, is the same.
Vulnerability is a powerfultool towards confidence because
it requires courage.
People who aren't confident andare insecure aren't going to be
vulnerable because they'refeeling guarded.
They're feeling insecure.
(16:35):
Being vulnerable in a sociallyintelligent manner actually
shows confidence because ittakes courage.
Speaker 2 (16:44):
So, essentially, if this person has a self-awareness
of their emotions, develops anintelligence of what they're
feeling, and then moves towardsdeveloping an understanding of
when it's appropriate to sharethose feelings and how to
communicate them, they wouldactually be more secure and more
(17:05):
confident and more vulnerable,right.
Speaker 1 (17:09):
Right, and vulnerability is honesty
connection, because we're allhuman and we're all vulnerable.
So by being vulnerable, bysharing these things that we all
have in common as humanssharing these things that we all
(17:29):
have in common as humans youalso connect to other people
more.
It might feel uncomfortable,but that's because you're making
yourself vulnerable.
It takes courage, but that'swhy confident people use
vulnerability and it connectsyou to other people.
The confident person doesn'thave to pretend that they're
cool.
They don't have to pretend thateverything is perfect.
That's often the insecureperson trying to convince
(17:53):
everybody that everything isperfect and not willing to share
any of their personal details.
And then the last thing I wouldsay is, once you get to that
point where you're going tostart trying to use some
intelligent vulnerability, do itwith people that you know you
can trust not to stab you youknow like.
(18:16):
Do it with people that you knowyou can be open with Maybe some
of your closest people.
In this hypothetical example,for her to start with her
husband might be a good place tostart.
It depends on the person.
Obviously, he may not be opento it, but it's somebody that
knows her intimately and it'sthe least risky to do it.
Speaker 2 (18:39):
Whereas maybe jumping right in with her parents, who
have a very different mentalityand maybe are older and kind of
stuck in that mindset, may notbe the best person to start this
out with, would you agree?
Speaker 1 (18:53):
Yeah, and I think there are some people that it
may not be a good idea to bevulnerable with.
Speaker 2 (19:01):
And that's okay.
Speaker 1 (19:03):
Remember, vulnerability is actually
opening yourself up to attack,and if you know that that is the
type of person that is going toattack that vulnerability, then
it doesn't actually make a lotof sense to be vulnerable.
Speaker 2 (19:16):
Yeah, I agree, that makes sense to me.
Speaker 1 (19:28):
With awareness, self-awareness, mindfulness,
understanding our thoughts andour emotions, and then working
on building emotional awareness.
That is the starting point forbecoming more emotionally open.
Speaker 2 (19:40):
All right, let's do another scenario.
This time I'm a man who's in myearly 20s, and here is my
scenario.
I just recently started workingout, but I feel super
self-conscious at the gym.
How do people push through thatphase?
Speaker 1 (19:58):
Just a couple quick questions about this
hypothetical man in his 20s.
What is his relationship status?
Speaker 2 (20:07):
I'm a single man.
Okay, what is?
Speaker 1 (20:09):
his relationship status.
I'm a single man, okay.
Has this individual hadrelationships in the past?
Speaker 2 (20:20):
He has, but nothing very successful, and he really
wants.
He's seeking a relationship.
Okay, okay, seeking arelationship Okay.
Is the primary motivation forthis man getting strong in the
gym to attract women, yes, andto feel more confident about his
(20:40):
body.
Speaker 1 (20:42):
Okay, also, I'm not saying that there's anything
wrong with that.
To be clear, I'm not trying toshame anybody.
Whatever motivates you to takecare of your health, use it.
Is this person in school orhave they graduated from a
college?
Speaker 2 (20:58):
They are in their going into their senior year of
college and they're on summerbreak, so they decided to start
a gym membership.
Speaker 1 (21:07):
Okay, and then what?
What?
Not to get too far down therabbit hole.
What is this person going intofor schooling?
Speaker 2 (21:16):
He's looking to get into the finance business.
Speaker 1 (21:19):
So we're talking about a man in finance with a
trust fund who's 6'5 and hasblue eyes.
Speaker 2 (21:25):
No, If he was 6'5, he'd probably be more confident.
To be honest with you.
Speaker 1 (21:33):
You know what?
To be honest in their favor,doesn't you know?
This guy is going to the gym.
(21:53):
He might be 6'5".
Like we don't actually have tobe 6'5".
But just for the sake ofexample, for a second here, if
you're 6'5 and have no muscle,you're going to look like this
gangly long you know.
Speaker 2 (22:05):
So actually that could actually be a good
scenario.
He's really tall, but he's niceand gangly, and so he's like I
don't want that anymore.
Speaker 1 (22:11):
Like I don't want that anymore, All right?
Well, I'm not going to go withthe trust fund.
Speaker 2 (22:16):
Let's take that out of the equation.
He's poor.
He's got college debt.
Speaker 1 (22:21):
All right, okay, so this one is a little bit
different, because I wouldnormally be asking a lot more
questions, because this is muchcloser to the realm of what I
directly coach.
But for the sake of generalgood advice, is the goal to not
(22:44):
feel insecure or is the goal tobe successful at the gym?
Speaker 2 (22:50):
Can the guy have two goals?
I would think both my questionis yes, that's not.
Speaker 1 (22:55):
What is the primary goal?
If he had to pick one, what ismore important to him?
Speaker 2 (23:01):
I think what's more important to him would be
getting strong, accomplishinghis goal.
But I think the biggest barrieris the insecurity right.
So he's like how do I overcomethat?
Speaker 1 (23:15):
So there's a short-term answer and there's a
long-term answer, right?
The short-term answer is inorder to achieve the goal of
going to the gym, take steps toreduce the friction and to make
yourself not feel as insecure.
If you need to wear some baggyclothes like sweatpants and a
sweatshirt so that you don'tlook at yourself in the mirror
(23:38):
and you know body shame yourself, so that you don't do the work,
then do it.
If your primary goal is to getstrong, it is literally building
a muscle.
I'm not going to go throughlike the sets and reps and stuff
he should do, but it's the sameideology that we talk about in
life is like a muscle.
(23:58):
It's going to be consistency,it's going to be showing up.
Life is like a muscle, so takeaction and build it.
Optimize for action.
It's not going to be prettyimmediately.
There aren't switch flips thatare going to immediately make
you not feel insecure in the gym.
(24:19):
If you feel insecure about yourbody Now, in the meantime you
can do a lot of things like giveyourself some self-compassion
when you have those thoughts,become aware of your self-talk
and reframe it into things likeI am getting stronger, not, I am
not strong.
(24:41):
You can start changingself-limiting beliefs.
You know this is what we handlein the coaching, but it's a
process.
It takes time.
You can't just switch all ofyour beliefs and your self-talk
overnight.
You can play music that makesyou feel pumped up and more
confident while you're there sothat it helps distract you, so
that you're more in the zone atthe gym.
(25:03):
There's nothing wrong withusing tips and tricks and hacks
if they get you to do it.
You know Five-second rule, whenyou're thinking about not going
to the gym and you're thinking,oh, I'm going to feel so small
and insecure, stop thinkingabout that.
Five, four, three, two, one,put your shoes on, go.
(25:24):
A lot of action is really aboutactivation, energy.
What is the minimum viableaction that you can get yourself
to do?
Because emotion creates motion.
But motion creates emotion.
What does that matter?
It means if you take action,you tend to feel a swell of
(25:47):
motivation to continue thataction.
Speaker 2 (25:50):
Can you say that again?
I got a little lost in all themotions.
What?
Speaker 1 (25:54):
Emotion.
Speaker 2 (25:55):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (25:57):
Causes motion Okay or action.
Speaker 2 (26:00):
How we feel drives what we do.
Right, right, okay.
Speaker 1 (26:04):
What we do also has a major effect on how we feel.
Speaker 2 (26:10):
Yeah, makes sense.
Speaker 1 (26:11):
So if you can get yourself through a burst of
willpower, through feelinginspired, through the five
second rule or any other meansto start the action, the minimum
viable action, oftentimes themotivation and emotion causing
the motivation will come with it.
Speaker 2 (26:35):
That makes sense.
Say the whole thing one moretime, because that's actually
really powerful.
What was it again?
The phrase.
Speaker 1 (26:41):
Emotion causes motion or action, and taking action or
making a motion also drivesyour emotions.
Speaker 2 (26:52):
That totally makes sense, because when I think
about when I'm stuck in a rut,not going and taking care of
myself either physically, noteating, right, that kind of a
thing and then I start takingthe right actions, I start
feeling better about myself, andthen feeling better about
myself makes me want to keeptaking that action.
Is that kind of the idea?
Speaker 1 (27:13):
Yeah, well, not to get way into this concept of the
physics of action where we talkabout inertia, momentum,
friction.
The idea is, I mean, I guess wecan touch on those, reduce the
friction and all of the thingsthat would prevent it, make it
as easy as possible to go to thegym, the things that would
(27:36):
prevent it, make it as easy aspossible to go to the gym, right
?
Second would be inertia.
Inertia is the day-to-day.
An object at rest tends to stayat rest.
An object in motion tends tostay in motion.
Once you have started, onceyou've done the activation
energy, the ignition of the car,you tend to stay in motion.
When you're at rest and youhaven't started, you're much
more likely to stay at rest.
(27:57):
If you've even started thesmallest piece of what you can
do, whether it's writing a book,and you write one word, you're
much more likely to write therest of the sentence.
Once you start, once you takethat minimum viable action, you
are much more likely to stay inmotion, because the emotion then
(28:18):
comes and then momentum isreally like inertia.
When it comes to action, youare accumulating mass through
(28:42):
multiple days of inertia, henceinertia over time.
So if inertia is whether you'rein motion or at rest during the
day of or hour of or whatever.
In the moment, momentum is like, hey, I did the thing yesterday
.
That makes it easier to do ittoday because I've started a
(29:05):
momentum.
There's some weight behind whatI'm doing and the more days in
a row that you start that youkeep doing it, you build
momentum and then eventually youbuild the habit and once the
force of habit kicks in, itbecomes automatic.
And while you're there, youmight as well start using some
of the strategies for intrinsicmotivation while you're doing it
(29:27):
, so that you start buildingthis sense of motivation towards
wanting to do it in and ofitself.
And while you're doing it,you're building skills like grit
and discipline and willpower.
So, to summarize because thisone is literally about building
muscles and I'm not going togive specific workout advice,
(29:50):
just the general ideology of howyou build a muscle you utilize
things like the compound effectand you do it over and over and
over over time.
So do whatever you need to tooptimize the scenario so that
(30:11):
you don't feel those things likewearing baggier clothes until
you feel more comfortablelistening to music that's going
to pump you up.
Start doing work on your ownseparately so that over time you
can make progress on yourself-talk, on your beliefs,
maybe on giving your body somelove at home instead of at the
(30:33):
gym where all the super musclyguys are.
Do it in private.
I think sometimes there'spressure that you must accept
your body right now, you know,and that you're like doing
yourself a disservice if youcan't.
But what if you can't?
In that moment it's okay.
Give yourself compassion forfeeling those feelings and do
what you need to do to stillaccomplish your goals, using all
(30:56):
of the things behind buildingthis part of your life like a
muscle and taking action andutilizing all of the
understanding of the physicsreducing the friction, using
inertia, using intrinsicmotivation.
Inertia using intrinsicmotivation.
(31:17):
Building momentum over time andthen building a habit or even a
routine or a string of habitsso that this just becomes
automatic.
Speaker 2 (31:23):
I'm just kind of sitting here in awe a little bit
, if I can be totally honest,because you're really good at
giving actionable advice in away that is easy to understand
and I really like this formatthat we're doing.
I'm hoping that peoplelistening to it will get a lot
of value from it, find ways thatit can relate to their own
(31:44):
situations and get someactionable steps to help them or
apply it to their slightlydifferent situation.
You know, and let us know whatyou guys think.
If you think this is superhelpful, if you want to hear
more of these scenario typeepisodes, reach out, let us know
.
We were trying different thingsand just seeing what what works
.
But, David, I just wanted togive you a quick moment of
(32:06):
praise and be like wow it's,this is really cool.
I like it a lot.
Speaker 1 (32:11):
Well, thank you, and I'm hoping that what we talked
about during this episode ishelpful and applicable to a lot
of people in a lot of differentscenarios.
Yes, I had us make the personmore specific, but that doesn't
mean that there isn't still aton of crossover and parts of it
(32:32):
that are applicable in manyother scenarios.
While this is all generallyhelpful and beneficial
information, it isn'tpersonalized.
If you're looking forindividualized advice and are
interested in receiving coaching, you can reach out to me at
sagecoachingsolutions atgmailcom.
(32:52):
Sagecoachingsolutions atgmailcom.
And remember you are enough andyou deserve to fill up your
inner cup with happiness, trueconfidence and resilience.
Thank you for listening to theSage Solutions Podcast.
(33:16):
Your time is valuable and I'mso glad that you choose to learn
and grow here with me.
If you haven't already, don'tforget to subscribe so you don't
miss out on more sage advice.
One last thing the legallanguage.
(33:42):
This podcast is for educationaland informational purposes only
.
No coaching client relationshipis formed.
It is not intended as asubstitute for the personalized
advice of a physician,professional coach,
psychotherapist or otherqualified professional.
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