July 29, 2025 • 28 mins
Are you weighed down by an invisible backpack filled with regrets, grudges, and disappointments? That mental burden isn't just emotionally exhausting—it's physically harming you.
Picture yourself hiking a beautiful mountain trail. With each step, the view improves, but you're distracted by a heavy backpack. Inside are rocks representing every grudge, mistake, and disappointment you've collected. Initially manageable, this burden has become overwhelming, preventing you from enjoying the journey. Sound familiar?
This episode explores the transformative art of letting go through three essential pillars: detachment, forgiveness, and acceptance. Drawing from cutting-edge research by Dr. Karsten Roche at Concordia University, we examine how holding onto bitterness raises cortisol levels, endangering your physical health. Dr. James Pennebaker's groundbreaking studies demonstrate how expressive writing creates space between you and painful memories, improving immune function and psychological wellbeing.
Contrary to popular belief, forgiveness isn't about condoning what happened or reconciling with those who hurt you. It's an internal process of canceling emotional debts that may never be paid, as meditation teacher Jack Kornfield beautifully expressed: "To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." True acceptance isn't defeat—it's acknowledging reality without judgment, freeing your energy to focus on what you can control.
Leave with practical, actionable strategies to release emotional burdens: acknowledge feelings without judgment, reframe narratives from victim to learner, and perform physical release rituals. Start small by removing just one "rock" from your invisible backpack this week. Remember, letting go isn't a destination but a muscle that strengthens with practice.
Every time you choose release, you create space for joy, peace, and presence. Your freedom awaits. Subscribe for more insights on becoming your best self, and share this episode with someone who might need to lighten their invisible load today.
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The Sage Solutions Podcast and content posted by David Sage is presented solely for general informational, educational, and entertainment purposes. No coaching client relationship is formed by listening to this podcast. No Legal, Medical or Financial advice is being given. The use of information on this podcast or materials linked from this podcast or website is at the user's own risk. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice, diagnosis, or treatment of a psychotherapist, physician, professional coach, Lawyer or other qualified professional. Users should not disregard or delay in obtaining medical advice for any medical or mental health condition they may have and should seek the assistance of their healthcare professionals for any such conditions. The opinions of guests are their own and may not necessarily reflect the opinions of the podcast.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Welcome to the Sage Solutions Podcast, where we talk
about all things personalgrowth, personal development and
becoming your best self.
My name is David Sage and I ama self-worth and confidence
coach with Sage CoachingSolutions.
So I want you to do a quickmental check-in with me.
(00:27):
How heavy is your backpacktoday?
And I don't mean the one thatyou might be carrying with your
laptop or gym clothes or, ifyou're a student, maybe books
and school supplies.
I mean the other one, theinvisible one, the one filled
(00:48):
with that mistake you made threeyears ago, the one carrying the
cutting remark someone said toyou last month, the one weighed
down by the future you plannedfor yourself.
That didn't quite pan out.
How heavy is that backpack?
Let's do a little thoughtexperiment.
(01:12):
Imagine you're hiking up abeautiful mountain, the sun is
warm, the view is getting betterand better and you woke up
ready to go.
But you're carrying thisbackpack and in that backpack
you've been placing a rock.
For every single time someonehas wronged you, for every
(01:34):
mistake that you've made, forevery outcome that didn't go
your way.
At first it's just a fewpebbles, feels a little weird,
kind of annoying, but manageable.
But after a few miles, after afew years.
That backpack is overflowing,it's heavy, it's digging into
(01:59):
your shoulders, slowing you downand, honestly, making you
miserable.
You're so focused on the weighton your back that you can't
even enjoy the incredible viewin front of you.
That backpack, my friends, isthe weight of the things we
refuse to let go, and todaywe're going to talk about how to
(02:23):
finally set that bag down.
Our topic is profound and oftenchallenging the art of letting
go.
If you're feeling a littlestrain in your shoulders just
thinking about it, you're notalone.
We are all carrying something.
You're not alone.
(02:49):
We are all carrying something,but before we get into it, our
goal with this podcast is toshare free, helpful tools with
you and anyone you know who islooking to improve their life.
So take action, subscribe andshare this podcast with them.
Subscribe and share thispodcast with them.
Now, I know letting go can feellike a vague, fluffy personal
(03:09):
development term.
You know something that you seeon a motivational poster with a
picture of a sunset.
But what does it actually mean?
How do you actually do it?
It's not a switch you can justflip.
If it were, we'd all be walkingaround as light as a feather.
(03:34):
The truth is, letting go is askill, it's a practice and, like
any other skill, we build itlike a muscle.
Remember, life is like a muscle, so take action and build it.
But this skill is arguably oneof the most essential skills for
our mental health, ourhappiness and even our physical
well-being.
It's also an essential part ofone of my other core
(03:57):
fundamentals Focus on your locusof control.
Locus of control.
Building the skill of lettinggo of things, letting go
specifically of the things thatyou have no control over, is a
vital part of focusing on yourlocus.
We're going to unpack why it'sso important and then we're
(04:20):
going to get into the how, thereal, tangible strategies that
you can start using today.
So, as Simon Sinek would say,let's start with why.
Why is it so crucial to put thebackpack down?
Holding on to past hurts,regrets and anger is not a
(04:44):
passive activity.
It takes active, continuousenergy.
Think about it.
When you're ruminating on anold argument, you're replaying
it, analyzing it, feeling it.
Feeling all those old emotions,the anger, the embarrassment,
the hurt, all over again.
It's like picking at the scabof a wound until it reopens.
(05:08):
Your body doesn't really knowthe difference.
It's experiencing that stressas if it's happening now.
This isn't just a feeling.
It's backed by science.
Not that feelings aren't backedby science anyways.
There's a fascinating body ofresearch from Dr Karsten Roche,
(05:28):
a professor of psychology atConcordia University.
For years he has studied theimpact of regret and the
inability to let go.
In one of his studies, his teamfound that persistent
bitterness and the failure todisengage from unattainable
goals can have serious physicalconsequences.
(05:50):
They found it was linked tohigher levels of cortisol, the
stress hormone, and we know thatchronic high cortisol is linked
to everything from a weakenedimmune system and sleep problems
to an increased risk fordepression and heart disease.
So let's be clear Holding ontothis stuff is not just making
(06:13):
you mentally exhausted, it'sphysically harming you.
It's like trying to driveforward while staring intently
in the rearview mirror.
You're not only missing thebeautiful scenery in front of
you, you're almost guaranteed tocrash.
Letting go isn't about sayingwhat happened was okay.
It's not about condoningsomeone's behavior or absolving
(06:38):
a past mistake.
It's about saying what happenedis in the past and I will no
longer allow it to have powerover my present and my future.
It's about taking your energyback.
It's an act ofself-preservation.
So what exactly is it thatwe're holding onto so tightly.
(07:00):
It usually falls into one of afew categories.
First, there are the grudgesagainst others.
Someone betrayed you, they letyou down, they treated you
unfairly.
The anger feels justified,right, you know they were in the
wrong.
It feels like a shieldprotecting you, but that's just
(07:23):
an illusion protecting you, butthat's just an illusion.
A grudge is really just apoison that you continue to
drink daily, hoping that theother person will die.
They've likely moved on andsadly, you're the one left
reliving the pain.
Second, we hold on to regretsabout our own actions, the job
(07:47):
you didn't take, the words youwish you could take back, the
decision that led you down apath you didn't want.
We punish ourselves over andover and over Just for being
human, for being imperfect.
And third, likely the mostsubtle of these three, is that
(08:09):
we hold on to the ghost of whowe thought we would be.
We had a timeline Married by 30, corner office by 40, kids, a
house, the whole nine yards, andwhen we didn't match that
blueprint, we hold on to thedisappointment like a failed
(08:29):
project instead of seeing it asa simple and often beautiful
detour.
Regrets, grudges anddisappointments.
I'm going to break it down intothree essential pillars, of
letting go that line up with thethree that I just said
(08:50):
Detachment, forgiveness andacceptance.
This isn't about forgetting,it's about freedom.
Let's get into the first pillar, detachment.
Now I know you might bethinking detachment sounds cold.
Right, it sounds like notcaring.
(09:11):
But that's not what we'retalking about at all.
True, emotional detachmentisn't about being a robot, it's
about shifting your perspective.
It's the practice of observingyour thoughts and feelings
without letting them consume you.
There's a quote by Jay Shetty inhis book Think Like a Monk.
(09:33):
He says Detachment doesn't meanowning nothing.
It means letting nothing ownyou.
He also says that detachment isa process, not a destination.
Think of it like this you caneither be caught in a raging
(09:54):
river, tossed around by thecurrent, or you can be standing
on the riverbank watching thewater rush by.
Detachment is learning how toget to the riverbank.
You still see the anger, thesadness bank.
You still see the anger, thesadness, the regret.
You acknowledge it, but you arenot in it.
(10:15):
You create space.
But how do we do that?
Well, it starts withmindfulness.
Remember you are theconsciousness that experiences
(10:37):
your life.
Acknowledge that a thought isjust a thought, not a fact, not
a command Observe it.
When that painful memory orwave of resentment comes up.
Instead of wrestling with it,you can simply say to yourself
there's that thought again, Isee you.
By naming it, you separateyourself from it.
You become, or actually reclaimbeing the observer.
(11:03):
And there's some fascinatingscience that backs this up.
There's a body of researchpioneered by Dr James Pennebaker
at the University of Texas, whostudied the effects of
expressive writing.
In his studies, he hadparticipants write about their
deepest, most traumaticexperiences for just 15 to 20
(11:23):
minutes over a few consecutivedays.
The results were astounding.
These individuals showedimproved immune function, lower
stress levels and betterlong-term psychological
well-being.
Writing these things out onpaper and becoming the observer
allowed them to detach fromthose thoughts, from that pain,
(11:47):
from those memories.
Why?
Because this act of translatingturbulent emotions into
language forces you to createstructure and narrative.
It helps you step out of thechaos and become the narrator of
your story.
Remember, we are constantlytelling ourselves stories.
(12:10):
But you can choose to be thewriter Rather than just the
victim of the plot.
We don't want to step into avictim mindset.
It strips us of all of ouragency and makes us feel
powerless, but using a strategylike writing it out is a
powerful act of detachment.
(12:31):
You're getting the story out ofyour body and onto the page,
creating that critical spacebetween you and your pain.
So one strategy that we can useis to grab a notebook, set a
timer for 15 minutes and writeabout what's weighing you down.
Don't worry about grammar orspelling, just write.
(12:52):
See what it feels like to getout of the river and onto the
riverbank.
So once we've started creatingthat space through detachment,
what do we do with what's in it?
This is where we move on to themost prominent areas that we
(13:12):
need to let go, which is ofteneither a grudge or a regret.
Let's start with a grudge.
This grudge usually has a deepsense of injustice built in, and
that brings us to our secondand arguably most difficult
pillar forgiveness.
Let's be real for a second.
(13:33):
The word forgiveness is loaded.
We think it means condoningwhat happened.
We think it means we have tocall up the person who hurt us
and say it's okay, I forgive youand I'm letting you off the
hook for that.
But none of those things areactually required for
(13:54):
forgiveness.
It's one of the most profoundmisunderstandings of what
forgiveness truly is and whatit's for Now to be clear.
You can verbally forgivesomebody, and somebody can come
to you seeking forgiveness, andsometimes that may be the way
(14:15):
that you want to go about it.
Letting a person know that youforgive them can be a powerful
step in mending a relationship,but there are many a times where
somebody does something wherethey don't deserve forgiveness
and you don't want to mend thatrelationship.
(14:37):
The process that we're talkingabout today, however, is an
internal forgiveness.
This type of forgiveness hasalmost nothing to do with the
other person and it haseverything to do with us, with
you.
There's a quote by the renownedmeditation teacher Jack
Kornfield that captures thisperfectly.
(15:00):
He said To forgive is to set aprisoner free and discover that
the prisoner was you.
Jay Shetty says that revenge ishurting yourself when you are
mad at someone else, butforgiveness is healing yourself
when you are mad at someone else.
Let these quotes sink in for aminute.
(15:24):
Holding on to a grudge is likedrinking that poison and
expecting the other person todie, but you are the one that
carries the anger.
You are the one whose stomachis tied in knots when you think
of them.
You are the one who is aprisoner to the past.
(15:48):
Internal forgiveness is notreconciliation.
It's not even forgetting.
It is the conscious decision tolet go and cancel the emotional
debt.
You've been waiting for anapology or for justice that may
never come.
By forgiving, we are takingcontrol of our locus of control.
(16:10):
By forgiving, we are takingcontrol of our locus of control.
By forgiving, we are focusingon our locus and using our
agency to heal ourselves.
By forgiving, you stop waiting.
You take back your power.
You stop allowing that personor that situation to have
control over your presentemotional state.
(16:32):
You are setting yourself freefrom the poison from the prison.
But how do we begin this processof forgiveness?
Start small.
Maybe it's forgiving yourparent for a comment they made
that stuck with you.
Maybe it's forgiving a friendfor a promise they broke, and
(16:54):
this is a big one.
It's also forgiving yourselffor a mistake that you can't
seem to move past.
That's right.
Regret is like holding a grudgeagainst yourself for not being
perfect.
Internal forgiveness, foryourself and for others, can set
(17:15):
you free.
A simple way to practiceforgiveness is to close your
eyes, bring the person orsituation to mind and silently
repeat to yourself I release youfrom the debt you owe me.
I don't condone your actions,but I'm choosing to let go.
I'm choosing forgiveness togive myself peace.
(17:38):
You don't have to feel it 100%at first.
Just the act of stating theintention begins to loosen the
chains.
This brings us to our third andfinal pillar, the one that ties
it all together Acceptance.
If detachment is seeing theriver from the bank and
(18:01):
forgiveness is letting go of theanger you have towards the
river for flowing so violently,then acceptance is acknowledging
that the river is just a river.
It is what it is.
Acceptance is not defeat.
It's not saying you like whathappened or that it was okay.
(18:21):
It's simply surrendering to thereality of what it is.
You cannot change the past.
Fighting with reality is abattle.
You will lose 100 of the time.
It is the ultimate source ofsuffering.
Frankly, we don't need to fightwith reality, because the mass
(18:43):
majority of your experience ofreality is shaped by your
perspective of reality, not eventhe reality itself.
The moment you accept whathappened, you can finally put
your energy where it matters.
You can finally put your energywhere it matters On the present
, on the future, on what you cancontrol, focus on your locus.
(19:10):
You stop asking why did thishappen to me?
And you start asking okay, thishappened, what now?
That shift in language is thesingle most powerful move you
can make when it comes toletting go.
It's the difference betweenbeing stuck in the mud and
taking the first step out of it.
(19:31):
It's looking at your realitysquare in the face without
judgment and saying okay, thisis my starting point.
Acceptance allows forgivenessto feel real.
It allows detachment to be astate of peace, not avoidance.
It's the fertile ground whereletting go can finally take root
(19:53):
.
So let's move on to thesolutions.
Part of this podcast no fluff.
Part of this podcast no fluff,just strategy, actionable tools
that you can use in your life.
Here are three practical stepsto start practicing the art of
(20:16):
letting go.
Acknowledge and name it.
You cannot let go of somethingyou refuse to look at.
We spend so much energy pushingthese feelings down, pretending
we're fine.
Stop.
Give yourself permission tofeel it.
Say it out loud.
I am angry at my friend forwhat they said.
I feel deep regret about how Ihandled that situation.
I am sad that my life doesn'tlook the way I thought it would.
(20:40):
I am sad that my life doesn'tlook the way I thought it would.
Give the emotion a name.
By acknowledging it, you takeaway its shadowy power.
You bring it out into the light.
The feeling is valid.
It's a reaction to it that youhave the power to change.
Remember detachment.
Don't judge it, just observe it.
(21:02):
There is that feeling ofresentment again.
Hello, old friend, I see you.
This act of mindfulness createsa tiny bit of space between you
and the feeling and in thatspace you have a choice Reframe
the narrative.
Every story can be told from adifferent perspective.
(21:23):
Right now, you might be tellingthe story from the perspective
of a victim or a failure.
Let's try to reframe it fromthe perspective of a learner.
Instead of asking why did thishappen to me, ask what did this
teach me about myself?
What did this teach me about myboundaries?
(21:44):
How did this experience, aspainful as it was, make me
stronger or wiser?
We're not looking for toxicpositivity.
It's about extracting a lesson.
That terrible breakup it taughtyou what you truly need in a
partner.
That job you lost.
It pushed you to discover apassion you never knew you had.
(22:06):
You can't change the events ofthe past, but you have control
over the stories that you tellyourself about them.
Today, reclaim your role as theauthor of your life story, not
just a character in it.
Release as a physical act.
Our minds and bodies are deeplyconnected.
(22:28):
Sometimes, to convince our mindthat something is over, we need
to perform a physical act.
This can be a small, privateritual.
One of the most powerful is thewrite and burn method.
Write a letter to the personyou're angry with.
Pour out every single thing youwant to say uncensored, Don't
(22:49):
hold back.
Then read it aloud to yourself,let yourself feel it and then
safely burn it.
As you watch the paper turn toash, visualize the hold that it
has on you turning to ash aswell.
Visualize letting it go,releasing it to the universe.
(23:12):
Now you don't have to burn it.
If burning isn't your thing,you can write it on a rock and
throw it into a lake.
You can write it on a piece ofpaper and shred it.
You can even type it all out ina document, then drag the file
to the trash to empty it.
The act itself is a powerfulsymbol to your subconscious mind
.
This is complete.
(23:33):
I am moving on.
So to recap our strategy one,acknowledge and name it.
Two, reframe the narrative.
And three, perform the physicalact of getting it out and
releasing it.
As Zen master Thich Nhat Hanhsaid letting go gives us freedom
(23:55):
, and freedom is the onlycondition for happiness.
Now, I don't 100% agree thatfreedom is the only condition
for happiness.
Now, I don't 100% agree thatfreedom is the only condition
for happiness, but it's a majorone.
When you're shackled to thepast, you are not free.
You're a prisoner in the cellof your own making.
(24:15):
Letting go is you finding thekey and walking out the door?
It's not for anyone else, it'sfor you.
So let's bring it all back tothis backpack full of rocks that
you've been carrying.
Detachment is realizing thatyou're carrying a heavy bag and
(24:35):
being able to look at the rocksinside without judgment.
Forgiveness is the decision toopen the bag and start taking
the rocks out one by one,because you realize they are
only weighing you down.
And acceptance is leaving theempty bag on the side of the
trail, taking a deep breath offresh air and continuing your
(24:58):
climb lighter and freer thanbefore.
Letting go isn't a one-and-doneprocess.
It's a skill and a practice,something you're going to have
to continue doing throughoutyour life.
That feeling might creep backin tomorrow.
That's okay.
(25:19):
When it does, you don't have topanic.
You just gently guide yourselfback to these steps Acknowledge
it, reframe it and remindyourself that you've already let
it go.
The goal isn't an empty mind,free of all negative memories,
because frankly, that's alsocompletely unrealistic.
(25:41):
You're human.
The goal is to become thegatekeeper of your mind, to
decide what gets to stay, whatgets to have power and what is
simply a story from the pastchapter that you've already read
.
So my challenge to you this weekis to think about that
invisible backpack.
(26:01):
Pick one rock in there.
It doesn't have to be thebiggest, heaviest rock, but
what's one small pebble that youcan let go of this week?
Maybe it's forgiving yourselffor being late to that meeting
last Tuesday.
Maybe it's letting go of theirritation you feel when your
partner loads the dishwasheraway different than you like.
(26:23):
Start small, practice the skill.
Letting go is like a muscle.
So take action and build it,because every single time you
choose to let something go, youget a little bit lighter.
Something go, you get a littlebit lighter.
(26:46):
You create a little more space,space for joy, space for peace,
space for the beautiful,unpredictable and wonderful
present moment, and that isfreedom.
And remember you are enough andyou deserve to fill up your
inner cup with happiness, trueconfidence and resilience.
(27:10):
Thank you for listening to theSage Solutions Podcast.
Your time is valuable and I'mso glad that you choose to learn
and grow here with me.
If you haven't already, don'tforget to subscribe so you don't
(27:31):
miss out on more sage advice.
One last thing the legallanguage.
This podcast is for educationaland informational purposes only
.
No coaching client relationshipis formed.
(27:52):
It is not intended as asubstitute for the personalized
advice of a physician,professional coach,
psychotherapist or otherqualified professional.
Welcome to the Sage Solutions Podcast, where we talk
about all things personalgrowth, personal development and
becoming your best self.
My name is David Sage and I ama self-worth and confidence
coach with Sage CoachingSolutions.
So I want you to do a quickmental check-in with me.
(00:27):
How heavy is your backpacktoday?
And I don't mean the one thatyou might be carrying with your
laptop or gym clothes or, ifyou're a student, maybe books
and school supplies.
I mean the other one, theinvisible one, the one filled
(00:48):
with that mistake you made threeyears ago, the one carrying the
cutting remark someone said toyou last month, the one weighed
down by the future you plannedfor yourself.
That didn't quite pan out.
How heavy is that backpack?
Let's do a little thoughtexperiment.
(01:12):
Imagine you're hiking up abeautiful mountain, the sun is
warm, the view is getting betterand better and you woke up
ready to go.
But you're carrying thisbackpack and in that backpack
you've been placing a rock.
For every single time someonehas wronged you, for every
(01:34):
mistake that you've made, forevery outcome that didn't go
your way.
At first it's just a fewpebbles, feels a little weird,
kind of annoying, but manageable.
But after a few miles, after afew years.
That backpack is overflowing,it's heavy, it's digging into
(01:59):
your shoulders, slowing you downand, honestly, making you
miserable.
You're so focused on the weighton your back that you can't
even enjoy the incredible viewin front of you.
That backpack, my friends, isthe weight of the things we
refuse to let go, and todaywe're going to talk about how to
(02:23):
finally set that bag down.
Our topic is profound and oftenchallenging the art of letting
go.
If you're feeling a littlestrain in your shoulders just
thinking about it, you're notalone.
We are all carrying something.
You're not alone.
(02:49):
We are all carrying something,but before we get into it, our
goal with this podcast is toshare free, helpful tools with
you and anyone you know who islooking to improve their life.
So take action, subscribe andshare this podcast with them.
Subscribe and share thispodcast with them.
Now, I know letting go can feellike a vague, fluffy personal
(03:09):
development term.
You know something that you seeon a motivational poster with a
picture of a sunset.
But what does it actually mean?
How do you actually do it?
It's not a switch you can justflip.
If it were, we'd all be walkingaround as light as a feather.
(03:34):
The truth is, letting go is askill, it's a practice and, like
any other skill, we build itlike a muscle.
Remember, life is like a muscle, so take action and build it.
But this skill is arguably oneof the most essential skills for
our mental health, ourhappiness and even our physical
well-being.
It's also an essential part ofone of my other core
(03:57):
fundamentals Focus on your locusof control.
Locus of control.
Building the skill of lettinggo of things, letting go
specifically of the things thatyou have no control over, is a
vital part of focusing on yourlocus.
We're going to unpack why it'sso important and then we're
(04:20):
going to get into the how, thereal, tangible strategies that
you can start using today.
So, as Simon Sinek would say,let's start with why.
Why is it so crucial to put thebackpack down?
Holding on to past hurts,regrets and anger is not a
(04:44):
passive activity.
It takes active, continuousenergy.
Think about it.
When you're ruminating on anold argument, you're replaying
it, analyzing it, feeling it.
Feeling all those old emotions,the anger, the embarrassment,
the hurt, all over again.
It's like picking at the scabof a wound until it reopens.
(05:08):
Your body doesn't really knowthe difference.
It's experiencing that stressas if it's happening now.
This isn't just a feeling.
It's backed by science.
Not that feelings aren't backedby science anyways.
There's a fascinating body ofresearch from Dr Karsten Roche,
(05:28):
a professor of psychology atConcordia University.
For years he has studied theimpact of regret and the
inability to let go.
In one of his studies, his teamfound that persistent
bitterness and the failure todisengage from unattainable
goals can have serious physicalconsequences.
(05:50):
They found it was linked tohigher levels of cortisol, the
stress hormone, and we know thatchronic high cortisol is linked
to everything from a weakenedimmune system and sleep problems
to an increased risk fordepression and heart disease.
So let's be clear Holding ontothis stuff is not just making
(06:13):
you mentally exhausted, it'sphysically harming you.
It's like trying to driveforward while staring intently
in the rearview mirror.
You're not only missing thebeautiful scenery in front of
you, you're almost guaranteed tocrash.
Letting go isn't about sayingwhat happened was okay.
It's not about condoningsomeone's behavior or absolving
(06:38):
a past mistake.
It's about saying what happenedis in the past and I will no
longer allow it to have powerover my present and my future.
It's about taking your energyback.
It's an act ofself-preservation.
So what exactly is it thatwe're holding onto so tightly.
(07:00):
It usually falls into one of afew categories.
First, there are the grudgesagainst others.
Someone betrayed you, they letyou down, they treated you
unfairly.
The anger feels justified,right, you know they were in the
wrong.
It feels like a shieldprotecting you, but that's just
(07:23):
an illusion protecting you, butthat's just an illusion.
A grudge is really just apoison that you continue to
drink daily, hoping that theother person will die.
They've likely moved on andsadly, you're the one left
reliving the pain.
Second, we hold on to regretsabout our own actions, the job
(07:47):
you didn't take, the words youwish you could take back, the
decision that led you down apath you didn't want.
We punish ourselves over andover and over Just for being
human, for being imperfect.
And third, likely the mostsubtle of these three, is that
(08:09):
we hold on to the ghost of whowe thought we would be.
We had a timeline Married by 30, corner office by 40, kids, a
house, the whole nine yards, andwhen we didn't match that
blueprint, we hold on to thedisappointment like a failed
(08:29):
project instead of seeing it asa simple and often beautiful
detour.
Regrets, grudges anddisappointments.
I'm going to break it down intothree essential pillars, of
letting go that line up with thethree that I just said
(08:50):
Detachment, forgiveness andacceptance.
This isn't about forgetting,it's about freedom.
Let's get into the first pillar, detachment.
Now I know you might bethinking detachment sounds cold.
Right, it sounds like notcaring.
(09:11):
But that's not what we'retalking about at all.
True, emotional detachmentisn't about being a robot, it's
about shifting your perspective.
It's the practice of observingyour thoughts and feelings
without letting them consume you.
There's a quote by Jay Shetty inhis book Think Like a Monk.
(09:33):
He says Detachment doesn't meanowning nothing.
It means letting nothing ownyou.
He also says that detachment isa process, not a destination.
Think of it like this you caneither be caught in a raging
(09:54):
river, tossed around by thecurrent, or you can be standing
on the riverbank watching thewater rush by.
Detachment is learning how toget to the riverbank.
You still see the anger, thesadness bank.
You still see the anger, thesadness, the regret.
You acknowledge it, but you arenot in it.
(10:15):
You create space.
But how do we do that?
Well, it starts withmindfulness.
Remember you are theconsciousness that experiences
(10:37):
your life.
Acknowledge that a thought isjust a thought, not a fact, not
a command Observe it.
When that painful memory orwave of resentment comes up.
Instead of wrestling with it,you can simply say to yourself
there's that thought again, Isee you.
By naming it, you separateyourself from it.
You become, or actually reclaimbeing the observer.
(11:03):
And there's some fascinatingscience that backs this up.
There's a body of researchpioneered by Dr James Pennebaker
at the University of Texas, whostudied the effects of
expressive writing.
In his studies, he hadparticipants write about their
deepest, most traumaticexperiences for just 15 to 20
(11:23):
minutes over a few consecutivedays.
The results were astounding.
These individuals showedimproved immune function, lower
stress levels and betterlong-term psychological
well-being.
Writing these things out onpaper and becoming the observer
allowed them to detach fromthose thoughts, from that pain,
(11:47):
from those memories.
Why?
Because this act of translatingturbulent emotions into
language forces you to createstructure and narrative.
It helps you step out of thechaos and become the narrator of
your story.
Remember, we are constantlytelling ourselves stories.
(12:10):
But you can choose to be thewriter Rather than just the
victim of the plot.
We don't want to step into avictim mindset.
It strips us of all of ouragency and makes us feel
powerless, but using a strategylike writing it out is a
powerful act of detachment.
(12:31):
You're getting the story out ofyour body and onto the page,
creating that critical spacebetween you and your pain.
So one strategy that we can useis to grab a notebook, set a
timer for 15 minutes and writeabout what's weighing you down.
Don't worry about grammar orspelling, just write.
(12:52):
See what it feels like to getout of the river and onto the
riverbank.
So once we've started creatingthat space through detachment,
what do we do with what's in it?
This is where we move on to themost prominent areas that we
(13:12):
need to let go, which is ofteneither a grudge or a regret.
Let's start with a grudge.
This grudge usually has a deepsense of injustice built in, and
that brings us to our secondand arguably most difficult
pillar forgiveness.
Let's be real for a second.
(13:33):
The word forgiveness is loaded.
We think it means condoningwhat happened.
We think it means we have tocall up the person who hurt us
and say it's okay, I forgive youand I'm letting you off the
hook for that.
But none of those things areactually required for
(13:54):
forgiveness.
It's one of the most profoundmisunderstandings of what
forgiveness truly is and whatit's for Now to be clear.
You can verbally forgivesomebody, and somebody can come
to you seeking forgiveness, andsometimes that may be the way
(14:15):
that you want to go about it.
Letting a person know that youforgive them can be a powerful
step in mending a relationship,but there are many a times where
somebody does something wherethey don't deserve forgiveness
and you don't want to mend thatrelationship.
(14:37):
The process that we're talkingabout today, however, is an
internal forgiveness.
This type of forgiveness hasalmost nothing to do with the
other person and it haseverything to do with us, with
you.
There's a quote by the renownedmeditation teacher Jack
Kornfield that captures thisperfectly.
(15:00):
He said To forgive is to set aprisoner free and discover that
the prisoner was you.
Jay Shetty says that revenge ishurting yourself when you are
mad at someone else, butforgiveness is healing yourself
when you are mad at someone else.
Let these quotes sink in for aminute.
(15:24):
Holding on to a grudge is likedrinking that poison and
expecting the other person todie, but you are the one that
carries the anger.
You are the one whose stomachis tied in knots when you think
of them.
You are the one who is aprisoner to the past.
(15:48):
Internal forgiveness is notreconciliation.
It's not even forgetting.
It is the conscious decision tolet go and cancel the emotional
debt.
You've been waiting for anapology or for justice that may
never come.
By forgiving, we are takingcontrol of our locus of control.
(16:10):
By forgiving, we are takingcontrol of our locus of control.
By forgiving, we are focusingon our locus and using our
agency to heal ourselves.
By forgiving, you stop waiting.
You take back your power.
You stop allowing that personor that situation to have
control over your presentemotional state.
(16:32):
You are setting yourself freefrom the poison from the prison.
But how do we begin this processof forgiveness?
Start small.
Maybe it's forgiving yourparent for a comment they made
that stuck with you.
Maybe it's forgiving a friendfor a promise they broke, and
(16:54):
this is a big one.
It's also forgiving yourselffor a mistake that you can't
seem to move past.
That's right.
Regret is like holding a grudgeagainst yourself for not being
perfect.
Internal forgiveness, foryourself and for others, can set
(17:15):
you free.
A simple way to practiceforgiveness is to close your
eyes, bring the person orsituation to mind and silently
repeat to yourself I release youfrom the debt you owe me.
I don't condone your actions,but I'm choosing to let go.
I'm choosing forgiveness togive myself peace.
(17:38):
You don't have to feel it 100%at first.
Just the act of stating theintention begins to loosen the
chains.
This brings us to our third andfinal pillar, the one that ties
it all together Acceptance.
If detachment is seeing theriver from the bank and
(18:01):
forgiveness is letting go of theanger you have towards the
river for flowing so violently,then acceptance is acknowledging
that the river is just a river.
It is what it is.
Acceptance is not defeat.
It's not saying you like whathappened or that it was okay.
(18:21):
It's simply surrendering to thereality of what it is.
You cannot change the past.
Fighting with reality is abattle.
You will lose 100 of the time.
It is the ultimate source ofsuffering.
Frankly, we don't need to fightwith reality, because the mass
(18:43):
majority of your experience ofreality is shaped by your
perspective of reality, not eventhe reality itself.
The moment you accept whathappened, you can finally put
your energy where it matters.
You can finally put your energywhere it matters On the present
, on the future, on what you cancontrol, focus on your locus.
(19:10):
You stop asking why did thishappen to me?
And you start asking okay, thishappened, what now?
That shift in language is thesingle most powerful move you
can make when it comes toletting go.
It's the difference betweenbeing stuck in the mud and
taking the first step out of it.
(19:31):
It's looking at your realitysquare in the face without
judgment and saying okay, thisis my starting point.
Acceptance allows forgivenessto feel real.
It allows detachment to be astate of peace, not avoidance.
It's the fertile ground whereletting go can finally take root
(19:53):
.
So let's move on to thesolutions.
Part of this podcast no fluff.
Part of this podcast no fluff,just strategy, actionable tools
that you can use in your life.
Here are three practical stepsto start practicing the art of
(20:16):
letting go.
Acknowledge and name it.
You cannot let go of somethingyou refuse to look at.
We spend so much energy pushingthese feelings down, pretending
we're fine.
Stop.
Give yourself permission tofeel it.
Say it out loud.
I am angry at my friend forwhat they said.
I feel deep regret about how Ihandled that situation.
I am sad that my life doesn'tlook the way I thought it would.
(20:40):
I am sad that my life doesn'tlook the way I thought it would.
Give the emotion a name.
By acknowledging it, you takeaway its shadowy power.
You bring it out into the light.
The feeling is valid.
It's a reaction to it that youhave the power to change.
Remember detachment.
Don't judge it, just observe it.
(21:02):
There is that feeling ofresentment again.
Hello, old friend, I see you.
This act of mindfulness createsa tiny bit of space between you
and the feeling and in thatspace you have a choice Reframe
the narrative.
Every story can be told from adifferent perspective.
(21:23):
Right now, you might be tellingthe story from the perspective
of a victim or a failure.
Let's try to reframe it fromthe perspective of a learner.
Instead of asking why did thishappen to me, ask what did this
teach me about myself?
What did this teach me about myboundaries?
(21:44):
How did this experience, aspainful as it was, make me
stronger or wiser?
We're not looking for toxicpositivity.
It's about extracting a lesson.
That terrible breakup it taughtyou what you truly need in a
partner.
That job you lost.
It pushed you to discover apassion you never knew you had.
(22:06):
You can't change the events ofthe past, but you have control
over the stories that you tellyourself about them.
Today, reclaim your role as theauthor of your life story, not
just a character in it.
Release as a physical act.
Our minds and bodies are deeplyconnected.
(22:28):
Sometimes, to convince our mindthat something is over, we need
to perform a physical act.
This can be a small, privateritual.
One of the most powerful is thewrite and burn method.
Write a letter to the personyou're angry with.
Pour out every single thing youwant to say uncensored, Don't
(22:49):
hold back.
Then read it aloud to yourself,let yourself feel it and then
safely burn it.
As you watch the paper turn toash, visualize the hold that it
has on you turning to ash aswell.
Visualize letting it go,releasing it to the universe.
(23:12):
Now you don't have to burn it.
If burning isn't your thing,you can write it on a rock and
throw it into a lake.
You can write it on a piece ofpaper and shred it.
You can even type it all out ina document, then drag the file
to the trash to empty it.
The act itself is a powerfulsymbol to your subconscious mind
.
This is complete.
(23:33):
I am moving on.
So to recap our strategy one,acknowledge and name it.
Two, reframe the narrative.
And three, perform the physicalact of getting it out and
releasing it.
As Zen master Thich Nhat Hanhsaid letting go gives us freedom
(23:55):
, and freedom is the onlycondition for happiness.
Now, I don't 100% agree thatfreedom is the only condition
for happiness.
Now, I don't 100% agree thatfreedom is the only condition
for happiness, but it's a majorone.
When you're shackled to thepast, you are not free.
You're a prisoner in the cellof your own making.
(24:15):
Letting go is you finding thekey and walking out the door?
It's not for anyone else, it'sfor you.
So let's bring it all back tothis backpack full of rocks that
you've been carrying.
Detachment is realizing thatyou're carrying a heavy bag and
(24:35):
being able to look at the rocksinside without judgment.
Forgiveness is the decision toopen the bag and start taking
the rocks out one by one,because you realize they are
only weighing you down.
And acceptance is leaving theempty bag on the side of the
trail, taking a deep breath offresh air and continuing your
(24:58):
climb lighter and freer thanbefore.
Letting go isn't a one-and-doneprocess.
It's a skill and a practice,something you're going to have
to continue doing throughoutyour life.
That feeling might creep backin tomorrow.
That's okay.
(25:19):
When it does, you don't have topanic.
You just gently guide yourselfback to these steps Acknowledge
it, reframe it and remindyourself that you've already let
it go.
The goal isn't an empty mind,free of all negative memories,
because frankly, that's alsocompletely unrealistic.
(25:41):
You're human.
The goal is to become thegatekeeper of your mind, to
decide what gets to stay, whatgets to have power and what is
simply a story from the pastchapter that you've already read
.
So my challenge to you this weekis to think about that
invisible backpack.
(26:01):
Pick one rock in there.
It doesn't have to be thebiggest, heaviest rock, but
what's one small pebble that youcan let go of this week?
Maybe it's forgiving yourselffor being late to that meeting
last Tuesday.
Maybe it's letting go of theirritation you feel when your
partner loads the dishwasheraway different than you like.
(26:23):
Start small, practice the skill.
Letting go is like a muscle.
So take action and build it,because every single time you
choose to let something go, youget a little bit lighter.
Something go, you get a littlebit lighter.
(26:46):
You create a little more space,space for joy, space for peace,
space for the beautiful,unpredictable and wonderful
present moment, and that isfreedom.
And remember you are enough andyou deserve to fill up your
inner cup with happiness, trueconfidence and resilience.
(27:10):
Thank you for listening to theSage Solutions Podcast.
Your time is valuable and I'mso glad that you choose to learn
and grow here with me.
If you haven't already, don'tforget to subscribe so you don't
(27:31):
miss out on more sage advice.
One last thing the legallanguage.
This podcast is for educationaland informational purposes only
.
No coaching client relationshipis formed.
(27:52):
It is not intended as asubstitute for the personalized
advice of a physician,professional coach,
psychotherapist or otherqualified professional.
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