December 13, 2024 • 58 mins
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How do you parent 7 kids AND heal your childhood trauma at the same time? In this episode we are tapping into all the feels with today’s incredible guest Elisa Marie.
From overcoming sexual trauma, leaving the Mormon church, losing her sister to suicide to choosing to love all parts of herself and parent beautifully in the process. How do you do it? Elisa shares her “Elisa energy” with us today. Tune in to be moved and inspired beyond measure.
Timestamps to help you navigate this episode:
0:00 Intro
0:24 FREE Self Love & Sweat MONTHLY Calendar
5:09 The Elisa Energy
10:27 Navigating Parenthood Through Self-Discovery
20:06 Faith, Food, and Extremes
29:19 Releasing the Inner Child
40:18 Finding Safety in the Familiar
Connect with Elisa Marie:
IG: @dream_traction
FREE Self Love & Sweat Monthly Life Coaching Calendar: http://lifelikelunden.com/calendar
2 FREE HIGH INTENSITY RESISTANCE TRAINING WORKOUTS: https://lifelikelunden.activehosted.com/f/169
One-On-One Life Coaching & NLP with Lunden:
http://lifelikelunden.com/vip
Connect with Lunden:
IG: @lifelikelunden
YouTube: https://youtube.com/lundensouza
LinkedIN: https://www.linkedin.com/in/lundensouza/
Twitter: @lifelikelunden
Use code LUNDEN25 for a discount on Snap Supplements: https://bit.ly/snapsweat
Podcast Sound Design Intro & Outro: https://hitspotaudio.com/
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Lunden Souza (00:00):
Welcome to Self Love and Sweat the podcast, the
place where you'll get inspiredto live your life
unapologetically, embrace yourperfect imperfections and do
what sets your soul on fire.
I'm your host, Lunden Souza.
Hey, before we jump into thisepisode, I just want to make
(00:27):
sure that you get all the freethings possible, if you haven't
already.
You need to get your self-loveand sweat free monthly life
coaching calendar.
Honestly, the way to experiencedeep change in your life is by
doing small little things overtime, and so that's what you'll
(00:48):
find in this free calendar.
You can get it by going tolifelikelunden.
com/calendar.
Get yours for free and let'sget into today's episode.
Welcome back to the podcast.
Today I have a very special,wonderful guest, Elisa Marie.
(01:09):
Thank you for being here.
Elisa Marie (01:11):
Yes, thank you so much for having me.
Lunden Souza (01:14):
Right before we pressed record, Elisa and I were
both talking about how we wantto get to know each other more
and how excited I am for thisepisode because I know a little
bit about you.
I know how I feel when I'maround you.
I know, I think, to a certainextent, what it feels like to be
around authenticity and I feelthat when I'm around you.
(01:37):
But I feel like, yeah, I knowour listeners are in for a huge
treat with this interview todayand I'm just so grateful that
you came over today prettyspontaneously.
I text you last night and I'mlike, hey, we've been wanting to
podcast.
Do you want to come over todayor tomorrow?
You're like, yeah, I can bethere at 9.30.
And here we are.
Yes.
Elisa Marie (01:58):
I'm so happy to be here.
Thank you so much.
That's a very kind complimentabout authenticity.
It means the world to me.
You so much.
That's a very kind complimentabout authenticity.
Lunden Souza (02:06):
It means the world to me.
I'm curious how you feel aroundme.
I'm like, well, I just okay.
So let me start off with how wemet, which I think is super
cool.
We met on Instagram.
I had, I think, what.
I think the way that we crosspaths is because the owner of a
yoga slash, kind of spiritualspace, in Lehi Provo-ish area.
(02:30):
I invited her to come to one ofour Dinner on Purpose events
and I think you and I were likemutual friends with her.
And then you DMed me and wejust kind of started chatting.
You invited me to your ecstaticdance event that you had and,
yeah, just kind of it is mystyle to do things alone.
(02:50):
So I was kind of like, okay,I'm just going to go and show up
and dance and hang out and meetyou and see what happens.
And it was so fun and I felt sogood.
But I think what has been what'sbeen cool is because we've had
a lot of touch points, you and I, which is cool because I went
to your ecstatic dance, then youcame to a Dinner on Purpose
(03:14):
that we did outside and then youcame and taught ecstatic dance
at my event, at my Voice ofImpact event.
And then you came, I think, forjust like one or two lectures
of that event.
And then you came, I think, forjust like one or two lectures
of that event.
And then you came last week tomy house to Dinner on Purpose
and I just, yeah, I admire theway that you show up in the
world and I guess I don't knowif there's a specific word that
(03:36):
describes how I feel when I'maround you.
But I know from the littlenuggets of time that I've got to
spend with you and I know fromfollowing you on social media
for those of you just listeningand not watching the video
Alisa's like stunning, like aglowing angel in the flesh,
right and gorgeous smile, justlike so beautiful.
(04:02):
And I know that from what youshare, what you've shared at
Dinner on Purpose, what you'veshared on social media that your
life hasn't been rainbows andbutterflies and this silver
platter of perfection.
I know you've gone through somuch and so I think where I want
to start the conversation is islike how do you find love and
(04:29):
joy and a smile and all of that,at least some mariness, I'll
call it, despite all that you'vebeen through?
Is it a choice?
I know that you posted onstories, I think last week, like
a video of you just likeprocessing and crying and
sharing and feeling, which, inits own right, is so beautiful
(04:50):
as well.
But like, how do you do that?
Is it a daily commitment?
How do you keep rising andshining?
How do you keep the joy alivein your life and that smile?
I know you've gone through alot and we can talk a lot about
that too today, but how do youdo that?
Elisa Marie (05:09):
I know, for me it is called the Elisa energy.
There is an energy, there's avibration, there's a frequency
that I am on a quest to keeplevel in my life and to keep
that content, peaceful feeling,and I would recommend like for
me I really would explain itlike inner peace and personal
power, like those two thingshaving inner peace and personal
(05:31):
power.
Those are choices every singleday that I feel like I've
dedicated myself to so that Ihonestly can feel a sense of
contentment.
I already feel emotions to themost extreme, like the highest
of highs and the most lowest oflows, and I am a person of deep,
deep emotion and expression,and so for me, it is like
(05:56):
learning to be grateful for itall.
When I am sad, it very quicklyturns to gratitude.
When I am angry, it veryquickly turns to gratitude.
I feel like gratitude has beenmy secret for fully embracing
the happiness and the joy andthe peace and the power.
I couldn't even have the peaceand the power and happiness if I
(06:17):
didn't have those moments ofdespair and the moments of
sadness and the moments of like.
I'm just this multi-dimensionalperson that gets to fully feel,
and to me the worst nightmarewould be to feel numb and for me
, I'm like I have gone through alot and that's why I'm able to
feel like the most intenseamounts of like ecstatic ecstasy
(06:39):
, of like pure bliss andhappiness is because I've yeah,
I've been on the other end whereI felt a lot of sorrow and
suffering and pain and I'm likekind of have this like refusal
to be a victim of my life.
I'm just like I am not a victimstory girl.
I really do focus on the goodand even the bad and the ugly
(07:01):
that's been done to me or thatI've had in my life.
It has been absolutely thegreatest part of shaping me.
So there's the.
It's like I love myself and Ihave to love what's been done to
me to arrive to that feeling.
Lunden Souza (07:18):
Yeah, and I think you posted a reel a couple of
days ago.
Um, that was like how do youdeal with all the hard?
It was not that's not what itsaid, but something like that
how you deal with all the hardstuff, and it was just like
thank God for it all, literally.
Elisa Marie (07:30):
I would just thank God for it all.
It really is my secret the good, bad and the ugly.
You just have a heart ofgratitude, and sometimes that's
hard.
There's like accepting thetrials in your life.
But the next level toacceptance is then appreciation.
And to get to the point ofappreciating the hardness in
your life and just having theaccountability to feel like you
(07:52):
chose it even really helps me.
Lunden Souza (07:55):
The accountability to feel like you chose it, like
you chose this hard.
Elisa Marie (08:00):
Yeah, and it really is like choose your heart
Absolutely.
And I feel in my life I'm juston this quest for love.
I have been on this beautifulself-love journey where the love
for myself has been sointensely magnified and it's
just this mirror everywhere Iwalk.
(08:21):
It's just this beautiful divinereflection of my own love and I
get to love others like sofreely and I get to love them
like so purely and see them asthey are.
And the more I've gotten toknow myself and understand
myself and love myself, I justso effortlessly get to know and
understand and see people forlike their purest form.
(08:43):
And it's really been such asacred experience to feel like
the journey to myself is alsothe journey to other souls and
to other people and to be ableto share my gifts so naturally.
Lunden Souza (08:56):
Yeah, it does seem natural and effortless and
authentic.
That doesn't mean it's not hard, but it just comes off that way
.
And Elisa has seven kidsbetween her and her partner,
aaron, who's also wonderful, whois such a great guy.
Aaron has four and you havethree, right, yes.
(09:17):
So how does that work withseven kids?
How do you teach, how do youheal, while you're also a parent
?
Elisa Marie (09:27):
Oh my gosh that's such a good question.
The children are the prophetson earth, they are the true
teachers, they are the teachers.
I really believe that, liketheir pure, pure authenticity,
before religion or culture orsociety comes and waters them
down or mutes them, we have thisunlimited amount of curiosity
(09:52):
and freedom and unlimited amountof just authenticity and love
and courage.
And watching these kids, it'sbeen really beautiful to just
see them with their little likeI love to look at, like
childhood psychology, becausethey just have these little
minds that are sponges toeverything around them, and it's
(10:15):
been really eyeopening that Ihave to be the example, that I
have to be the one standing upfor my beliefs so that it can
ripple down to them.
And I I very much so.
Take the like I grew up veryhelicopter parents, like really,
really strict feeling, like Ihad, you know, in the Mormon
(10:35):
church.
I had a lot of rules andthey're just phantom rules,
they're not even real rules, butthere's just like endless
amounts of guidelines andparenting is more about
obedience and compliance and youwant the child to obey you and
you need them to comply.
And now, my time in motherhood,I'm realizing it's not a role.
(10:57):
Motherhood isn't a role, it isthis relationship, and the
relationship that it is with achild is so much more powerful
to have connection andnurturement over compliance and
obedience.
It's about the connection andso, for me, I have given them a
lot of space, a lot ofself-expression, a lot of time
(11:20):
for themselves to haveself-discovery, to have
self-trust, and instead of beinglike a helicopter parent, I'm
really just assisting them intheir self-trust.
And the ages are crazy, becausemy man, he has 16, 14, 10, and 5
.
And then I have 3, 5, and 8.
And so my youngest is 3 yearsold and it's just been a
(11:44):
whirlwind with all the differentages and experiencing the
teenage phase and the toddlerphase and kind of trying to
blend and embrace the familiestogether.
It has been a really gloriousexperience of magnified joy,
magnifying love.
Everything is just like totallylike doubled in joy and doubled
(12:06):
in love, and it's been a reallyunique and surprising
experience to be a stepmom and Igrew up.
Lunden Souza (12:16):
I resonate a lot with what you said because I
grew up in a very religiousfamily as well.
Yeah, like you said, obey andcomply and these are the rules
and this is how you're supposedto be and this is what you
should be in here Like, and nota lot of room to feel and
(12:38):
express and share.
And I think it's probably justbeen over the last few years
that I've kind of unpacked thatand unraveled that, because you
feel so like I don't know,smothered, I don't know if
that's the right wordconstricted until you don't.
And then there was just, yeah,a lot of when I was asking you
(13:03):
about your kids, like how do youheal and parent?
I just think it's, yeah, it'sreally interesting because it
inside of me that is like freeand expressing and feeling, and
(13:26):
playing and breaking the rules,if you will, or creating my own
rules or whatever.
And so what do you like?
What do you tell your kids whenthey're feeling a lot of
different feels?
I remember hearing like suck itup, not stop whining, or like
being sad is like what's wrong.
(13:47):
Or my mom texts I was tellingher something about someone who
was feeling a little bit upsetand she's like well, why is he
sad?
And I was like I'm not sure.
I didn't ask, but it's okay tobe sad, so I'm going to go hang
out with this person that's sad,I don't need to know why.
Or like there's just so much tofeel that there doesn't always
(14:09):
need to be a reason why you feltthat in order for it to come up
.
And I don't think I everunderstood that until I was an
adult.
Does that make sense?
Elisa Marie (14:13):
Seriously, yes, and it can be really, really
harmful, I think, to the childto be like go cry in your room
and I don't want to hear that.
I definitely embrace tantrumsin my house.
I think it's really, especiallybecause I have two boys and we
have three boys like five, sixand three, and so I'm just like
(14:35):
these boys.
I don't want that toxicmasculinity where they can't
express their sadness, wherethey don't feel safe to even
feel anger, Like I just thinkany emotion is just energy in
motion and when we stop makingone emotion above the other and
just kind of treating themequally, and it's like when my
kids happy and excited, I lovethem the same as they're sad and
(14:55):
angry and I get to give them mytime and love and affection,
even when they're kicking andscreaming and throwing a fit.
And I found for myself, goingback to that logical reason of
sadness, that emotions don'thave any logic.
Sometimes I will be violentlysobbing and I have no freaking
(15:18):
clue why.
I have everything in my life tobe grateful for, happy for, and
there is something stored in mybody that needs to be expressed
and I'm going to try tologically be like is it my
relationship?
Is it my kids, Am I not feelingfulfilled in my career?
And you're going to try to grabto things and play the blame
game and we're trying tologically make sense of these
(15:40):
emotions and sometimes, the moreyou're pointing blame on things
or people, the more shameyou're going to feel and the
more ashamed you're going tofeel of your emotion.
And so, especially withchildren I know growing up in
religion or anything we aretrying to shame them or fear,
that like put fear in them toget them to obey or to comply or
(16:03):
to feel a certain way, and itcan be extremely manipulative
and it's hard to break thosepatterns.
Like even me, I catch myselfusing those manipulations
because that's like all I'veever known or what I'm used to
is putting an emotion in someoneto get your way, to get the
tactic to get the kid to puttheir shoes on and get in the
car, you know, and so it's beenreally interesting to use, like
(16:25):
to have their emotions be verysacred and I had to be very
present.
You have to be very patient andit's really important and it's
definitely something I have notperfected.
I'm I'm only 29 years old.
I definitely don't know whatI'm doing, but I try my best,
and especially with theiremotions.
I treat them all very sacredbecause they are, we're just
(16:50):
emotional beings.
There's no logic to make senseof it sometimes.
Lunden Souza (16:55):
Wild that you're 29.
You're so wise.
I mean, what is age?
Anyways, I just turned 36,which trips me out, but wild so
cool.
Where did your like self-lovejourney start?
When did you decide that youcould break free from the way
(17:18):
that you were raised and a lot?
And then I know that you hadkids that you raised in this
religious.
You know we live in Utah, sothere's, yeah, a big Mormon
religious base here, I guess,and I know there's a lot.
I mean, yeah, there's a lot ofreligions everywhere, but
especially here.
And so how did you?
What was that transition likeout of that?
(17:42):
I know you still believe in Godand have this relationship with
God because I see what you postand share and I've been in
conversation with you.
But how has that evolved andhow did that kind of start?
And then, how do you likeexplain that to your kids?
I know one's three, so maybeyou know it's when they're that
young it's different, and maybethat's a conversation for later,
(18:03):
but it's like when?
So I guess the question is likewhen did you decide it was time
for change?
And then how do you bring yourkids along with you on this
change journey?
Yeah, I know for myself.
Elisa Marie (18:16):
I was like the most lovely Mormon.
I was so loving my Mormon life.
I love charity, I love mercyand grace.
I love everything about thecommunity of the church because
I am such a social person.
So I ended up getting marriedat 19.
I was barely turned 19.
I got married in the temple andthen I had like three kids in
(18:40):
four years and it was like theplan of happiness.
It's this set in stone If youget married in the temple, you
can reach the highest kingdom.
This is a plan of happiness andit was something I was taught,
that was so ingrained in me at ayoung age, that this is the way
of joy and success andhappiness.
(19:01):
And it was a really uniqueexperience because I I just
wasn't happy.
It was like really confusing tolike feel like I had arrived
and I'm supposed to be feelingfulfilled and I'm supposed to be
feeling and it's so hard tolike gaslight myself for so many
years of like I'm doing thething.
(19:22):
And I got married in the templeand I was worthy and I did all
the things to get here and Ijust had the most severe
postpartum depression.
I mean, I was like so heavy.
I was just stuffing my emotionsdown.
I weighed like over 230 poundsand I just felt so heavy on my
soul and on my spirit and I feltso heavy emotionally and
(19:45):
mentally with the turmoil of theshame and fear.
And my ex was very, veryintense in the church like not
even a normal Mormon, like wedidn't have a TV, we didn't
watch any media, we ate vegan,we didn't eat any animal
products.
We had a very extreme lifestyleof really harsh restriction.
Lunden Souza (20:06):
I didn't know that veganism was a part of the
Mormon religion.
Elisa Marie (20:08):
It's not, but some people like to read the word of
wisdom as that, because there'sa scripture in D&C 89 that says
to eat meat sparingly, only inwinter or famine.
But God's not pleased when weuse animals for food.
So it says that in DNC and myex loves we just kind of we get
into the scriptures and getreally extremist and he just had
(20:30):
like OCD struggles with that.
So I, I, I was fine to do it,like we did it for four years,
but it was like way restrictedto take out any animal products
no dairy, no eggs, nothing.
Restricted to take out anyanimal products no dairy, no
eggs, nothing.
And I did that through mypregnancies and I was like so
sick and had to have IVs andiron stuff, like I was
(20:51):
definitely struggled with anemiathrough my pregnancies and
anyway.
So it was just like the mostdark and dreary time, like it
was so horrifying that I justkept gaslighting myself and I
didn't understand, like what theroot emotion was.
But it was shame.
I felt like 90% of my life wasthis big emotion of shame and it
(21:18):
had to activate me to doeverything, to go to church, to
be a parent, to do everything.
And I quickly learned that Ican't shame myself into changing
.
I have to love myself intoevolving.
And I've still really stuckwith that where I'm like this
absolutely has to come from love.
If I want to lose weight, I'mgoing to lose weight because I
(21:41):
love myself, not because I wantto change myself or my body,
like if I want to have arelationship with God.
It's not going to be a shamefulrelationship.
It's going to be because of mylove for God.
And I just started to gothrough everything in my life
and find that root of the shameand fear inside of me and start
to just totally reprogram.
And I had on my mirror thesaying I completely love and
(22:06):
accept you exactly as you are.
I feel like that positiveaffirmation got me through,
because in the Mormon churchthere's always more and more and
more do, do, do progress,evolve, blah, blah, blah, and
you're just always feeling likeyou'll never be content and
peaceful with where you are,you're never going to be enough,
and that not enoughness justoozed through my walls from my
(22:30):
ex from the church, and so itwas really painful to just be
like I'm actually.
I completely love and acceptmyself exactly as I am, and
that's when I started to loseweight.
That's when I started to seethe light.
Like that's where it allstarted to root.
When I'm like I'm already wholeand complete, I'm just
embracing this wholeincompleteness and yeah, it was.
(22:52):
And I would say the biggestthing that made me really
transform my faith was mysister's death.
She took her life in 2020 andthat was like would rock anybody
, like it was the most horrifictrial and it made me reflect a
lot about the afterlife anddeath and you know, and
(23:14):
everything they taught in theMormon church just did not
resonate with me and this iswhere my self-trust had to
really sweep in, where I justhad radical trust in my gut
instinct and that's hard to goaway from.
Your whole conditioning, yourwhole blueprint, your whole like
childhood and livelihood, andall of your friends and family
(23:36):
and even my husband.
I'm just like I don't fuckingbelieve this and it was so hard.
It caused havoc in my family,it caused a divorce for me,
everything I mean.
The minute I told my husband Idon't believe in it, I want to
take my garments off.
He was like this is a betrayalworse than an affair.
(23:58):
This is a betrayal against God.
This is a betrayal and I I meanseriously, I felt like watching
the wicked movie just barely.
I'm like I want to see that.
I'm like I feel like the wickedwitch.
I'm really standing up for good, I'm standing up for self-love,
I'm standing up for my ownself-trust and authenticity and
freedom, and all the emotionswere so good.
(24:20):
But then my external life wasjust crumbling and I had a seven
month old baby.
I literally had just givenbirth and like my sister had
just died and I'm like, oh mygosh, I have to like move in my
life.
I have to get momentum and andand start to make choices and
actions that align with thisinner light, with this inner
(24:42):
freedom, with this innerself-trust and this amount of
peace I felt and power I felt.
I was like I don't care whatcomes to the ground, I don't
care, I have to stand for likewhat I want and what I believe
in.
So I did I.
I just ended up divorcing himand I had like, yeah, when we
first separated, my kids weretwo, four and seven months.
(25:04):
I had like, yeah, when we firstseparated, my kids were two,
four and seven months.
I was just like, yeah, peaceout.
I feel bad, but we did stilllike love each other, but there
just wasn't working.
It was very much like I gotmarried at 19 and he proposed
after two months Like I didn'tknow the man.
Yeah, so it's been reallyhealing to be like out of that
(25:24):
religion I've been.
My faith transition was aboutmaybe four years ago.
My divorce was three years agoand my life has transformed.
It has become a miracle beyondmiracles, like that amount of
courage that it took to chooseme and now my life is unfolding
in complete like.
(25:45):
I feel so blessed, like.
A year after my divorce I metAaron and he has just he's given
me the greatest gift I couldever experience in this life and
that is love.
It is the gift, it is the gameof life and it has been so
(26:07):
fucking playful I don't know howelse to describe it.
It's a game and we're playing.
We were playing the game oflove and it's been fun.
Lunden Souza (26:16):
I love that you said it's like a game that
you're playing, because when Iwent to your first, the first
time we met, and I went to thatecstatic dance, it was a family
ecstatic dance.
So there were kids and adults,and I know there were a lot of
people in your family there too,like I think your sister, your
other sister was there, and yourmom, maybe your dad too, yeah,
(26:40):
and I think maybe nieces andnephews, and then of course
you're in, aaron's kids werethere, um, and then I know
probably, like you said, whenyou decided to wake up that day,
I like how you said it You'relike I just don't fucking
believe this shit anymore.
All right, it's time to go.
Like, and I know that andthat's what I love about you is
because even through all thehard, you have this like chuckle
(27:00):
and laugh that exudes like,yeah, love even when things are
hard.
But how did you get to thepoint then to be able to like
all dance together, like, howdid that get to be?
I mean, I know life is a dancein general, but then we were
also dancing but like, how didyou guys like?
Elisa Marie (27:18):
Dancing is my most beautiful spiritual practice.
Truly, it has gotten me through, because me and my sisters and
my mom even she suffered abusefrom her father and then we all
had the same sexual abuse fromour grandpa, and so it's just
really sad, especially in Utah Ifeel like Utah has really high
rates of sexual abuse and harmto children and it's I don't
(27:41):
know if religion has a way ofsuppressing sexuality.
It's just really a devastatingtrial to children and it's I
don't know if religion has a wayof suppressing sexuality.
It's just really a devastatingtrial to suffer.
The more I talk about it, themore everyone's like me too, me
too, me too.
And it's just this wild anddevastating experience that
people have suffered in theirbody things they have not chosen
.
And so there was four yearswhere my sister Becca she's a
(28:04):
decade older than me shediscovered this meditation
center that was hosting ecstaticdance and it was held by a
therapist that he just did itfor his clients and offered it
free to the community.
So we were doing it with himand he he just brought in a lot
of men.
I think his specialty was likeyeah, like with sex addiction
(28:26):
and stuff, so his clients werethere and we just felt safe and
we would go in every week, everyWednesday I'd go with my two
sisters and me and we would justdance and we had so much trauma
stored in our body.
Like specialist say, it's likethe body that keeps the count,
and it really is, and it's inour nervous system and you can
(28:46):
try to pray it away, read allthe self-help books, talk it
away in therapy.
But like talk therapy is sorepetitive and really what's
been harmed is your body and soevery energetic part of me
needed to have to process thatand that's why something about
ecstatic dance is where you justclose your eyes.
(29:08):
You're present in your body.
It's a way of meditation, it isa way of complete freedom and
liberation.
And so me and all my sisters,we're just there, like releasing
our inner child.
If we want to be that littlefive-year-old in our tutu, just
twirling around like whatever wewanted to be, crawling on the
floor like primal animals orleaping across the floor like we
(29:31):
could just do anything and itwas a free space to do it, and I
lost like 40 pounds and Ireally do think it was because
of the movement and the release,emotionally and mentally, that
then physically my body startedto catch up with the healing of
my sexual abuse symptoms and soI feel way passionate about it.
(29:53):
That's why I've started to hostit, because the guy who was
holding it he doesn't do itanymore, he moved to Oregon and
so I'm really happy that I cando it for my sisters and my mom
still and anyone who wants tocome.
Like we're going to be hostingit.
We have a great big home inCottonwood Heights that we'll be
hosting it at, or at SageCanvas in Lehi, and it's just
(30:14):
yeah, sundays at seven we justget our groove on.
And my partner is a musician sohe makes a lot of really fun
tribal music, edm music, andit's all has like positive
affirmations in it.
So a lot of it is to helpadvertise his music and get
people like moving with musictherapy too, and having the
(30:36):
music and the vibrations ofthose positive affirmations
really get into our subconsciouswhile we're moving.
Lunden Souza (30:43):
Yeah, I love the music you guys play at Aesthetic
Dance because it's a mixture oflike, like you said, the
affirmation music, the songsthat are created to just like,
help you feel and heal, and thenthere's always like or at least
the two.
I've been to some groovy, funkyand I remember after leaving the
(31:03):
first ecstatic dance, I waslike I feel like I just came
back from the most fun weddingever.
You know, when you go to awedding and you don't know that
many people but the DJ playsreally good music and you dance
with a bunch of people, that'show I felt when I left.
I was like, oh my gosh, thatwas really, really fun, and I
love the way that you and Aaronshow up and do this together.
(31:23):
I loved when we had theecstatic dance at my event
because we did have, yeah, menat the event too, and so I think
that the way that Aaron showsup in his way and just moves and
plays and you guys do thattogether, it gives other people
but, of course, other men kindof permission to move and
express and play and dance, andso I enjoyed seeing how Aaron's
(31:48):
presence impacted the presenceof the men that were also in my
event and I thought that was sobeautiful and wonderful.
But yeah, I mean, I remember toolast week when we had Dinner on
Purpose here and we weresitting actually at this table
and I'm pretty sure you were inthis seat or on this here right
and you shared about your sexualabuse, like straight up at the
(32:11):
table, with a smile on your faceand with gratitude and love and
joy, kind of like exactly whatyou talked about at the
beginning is just like being inthis, like relentless pursuit of
finding gratitude in everything, and in that moment you were
sitting here and I was sittingover here and when you shared
that I was like, oh, this isexactly why we created Dinner on
(32:35):
Purpose, because I grew up in afamily and even with groups of
friends, where you're sitting ata table and you're just like
talking but about nothing, orlike talking but about like
surface level stuff, or like theweather or someone else's
problems, or just like and sobeing at tables like we do at
(32:57):
Dinner on Purpose, where we canjust share and express and say
this is what's been hard, or,yeah, I suffered sexual abuse
and now I'm here and this is how, and having those conversations
brought to the table as well,as we do a lot of really great
conversations here on thepodcast, but it's always so
different and especially havinghad that in my house, under my
(33:20):
roof, when you guys leftafterwards, I just like laid on
the couch and I was like I'm sograteful that everyone felt safe
to come in and share, becauseeven like this morning I was
talking to my best friend, kara,who you and I were talking
about when we started this, andher and I talk every day, and
she was like, how are youfeeling?
And I was like I think I'mfeeling kind of depressed.
(33:44):
I'm not like I don't feel likesuper joyful and happy and like
waking up, like clicking myheels like I am used to, but I
think I'm supposed to like maybebe here, right, because I grew
up in a family where you pushedthings down and on both sides of
the family, mental healthissues and on both sides of the
(34:06):
family, suicide.
And so this morning, as I waslike just getting my space ready
, did my exercise movement, wastalking to my friend Kara, I was
like maybe I'm supposed to feelthis because I haven't really
felt it before and I just kindof feel a little like me that's
okay and you know, but anyways,when I was sharing that with her
(34:27):
, it felt so good and then shewrote, sent me an audio message
back and she's like that's socourageous of you to like just
admit it and share it and that'sokay and like thank you, you
know.
And so it was so nice to havethat dialogue with her and have
that dialogue with people whereit's like you can be like how's
everything going?
And you can be like, oh, it'sgood, thanks, hope, you're doing
(34:50):
well too.
Or it's like how are you doing?
Oh, I don't know, I'm feelingvery like not that great, and
I've been doing this femininewomb space course called
Manesting magic and it's so goodit's.
It's a course that was createdby Dr Aaron Pollinger.
(35:12):
It's part of our Nava communitymembership and I was like, oh,
I couldn't join that course,live when they did it.
So I'm going to go back and,you know, do it.
So there's a lot of, yeah, wombspace meditation, which is new
for me.
I've been meditating for a longtime awareness of these
different centers, but a lot ofwhat we're doing is like womb
(35:33):
space meditation and tantricdance and welcoming all the
feminine energy, right, likeeven the warrior, rage, anger,
feminine avatar, right.
So over the last two sessionsit's like a six-week course.
I've done two of the sessionsand she has us do a lot of
(35:56):
visualization in this womb spaceand the last two sessions were
welcoming in like those feminineparts of us right, the sad, the
guilt, the shame, the you know.
And then yesterday the secondmodule was like the rage and the
(36:18):
anger and the wants to screamand yell and be fucking pissed
and you know.
So also looking at that too, oflike, okay, this is kind of
where you're at in your journeyand what you've been bringing up
, so no wonder the feelings thatyou're starting to feel are a
little bit more dark and like Ijust like, yeah, I love it, and
(36:45):
so playing with all of that hasbeen so cool.
And then being able to expressthat and be like, oh yeah, I'm
not really feeling.
Like, yeah, what I have beenconditioned to believe that I'm
supposed to feel all the time,what I have been conditioned to
(37:05):
believe that I'm supposed tofeel all the time, that's it.
You aren't always happy, you'renot always joyful and excited,
and there can be moments whereyou're just like Yesterday I was
just right by my fridge, juston the ground, just sobbing and
wailing and, like you said, inthose moments where you can have
the highs and lows of all theemotion.
But then I was also layingthere too and had the gratitude
of like, oh yeah, okay, buthistorically on my family line,
(37:29):
on both sides, they've beenstuck in those dark emotions, or
medicated which no judgmentwhatever or taken their life, or
sometimes, in some cases, allthree, or sometimes, in some
cases, all three, and I was just.
I really felt like that energy,was like moving through and
anyways, I just share thatbecause it feels good to talk
(37:50):
about it.
Elisa Marie (37:51):
It's so good, right, it does feel good to talk
about.
I way connect with that becauseI've realized when I'm my most
sad is when I'm doing the mosthealthy habits and behaviors,
like when I'm getting a newhabit that I know is good for me
and it's benefiting me.
That's when my body feels safeenough for that next layer of
(38:14):
like, oh my gosh, I'm opening upthis can of worms and now I'm
feeling there's so manysuppressed memories I'm having
the hardest time.
But it's just like, wow, I'malso doing one more layer of
that onion just to heal thatpart and just to get it off.
It's like if I'm not cryingabout it, then it's still inside
my body and I want to get it upout and away.
(38:37):
So whenever I'm feeling thosefeelings coming up, I do try to
use like art and music andexpression, because I really do
believe that the opposite ofdepression is expression.
And anytime I felt depressedI'm like I need my creation
energy.
And the creation energy is thewomb energy.
It is our sacral chakra that ishere to be and build and create
(39:00):
, and we think it's just here tocreate a baby.
I'm like, okay, I have seven ofthose, I don't want another
baby, I want to create abusiness, I want to create a
life, I want to create joy, andwhen you can like really tunnel
vision on your sacral chakra ofwhat you want to create, that
expression can really help andthat's helped me to like paint
(39:22):
my body or do lots of paintingand be able to be like present
in my body and just start to belike.
This is self-trust too.
I'm trusting myself to feelworthless.
That's hard to do.
I'm trusting myself to feelreally pathetic right now and
I'm okay to be really small andpathetic.
That's totally okay and it'smore than okay.
(39:46):
It's brilliant, it's good forme.
I'm healing it.
I want to sit in the shit and Iwant to feel really small, and
it's totally.
It's like it should becelebrated that our bodies can
feel that trust in ourself.
To just sit in the shit.
It gets so hard for me.
Lunden Souza (40:06):
But yeah.
Trust myself enough to feelworthless.
That helped me a lot right now.
Thank you for sharing that.
It's so cute, yeah, because Ifeel different.
Since I moved to Utah it's beenabout a year and there's been a
lot of stuff that's come up andso oftentimes what I tell myself
is like oh no, your body andyour heart and your soul and
(40:28):
your spirit and everythingfinally feel safe and now you
can express it and you're in asafe container.
You're in a safe spot.
You have people around you thatlove you.
You've met some of the.
I finally have neighbors that Iknow.
My neighbor texted me the otherday.
She's like can I use your trashcan because we have extra
(40:49):
things to throw away?
They're a family of I thinkfive or six.
Of course, my trash cans arejust me.
I was like of course, Pleasenever ask me to use my trash
cans again.
Just knowing to have thatenergy and feel like you're home
and landed.
I feel like that's why a lot ofthis has been coming up, you
know, because I'm like oh yeah,you're not.
(41:10):
You know, when I lived inAustria, I was working so much
on all these different stages,doing events all the time.
There was like no time to feel,or at least I didn't know how
to create the space to feel whatI needed to feel.
I didn't know how to likeactivate my emotional metabolism
.
Then it was like I just had tolike stuff it down.
I didn't even know I wasstuffing it down.
(41:31):
I don't think it was just likeonto the next show, onto the
next video event, whatever itwas that I was doing.
And then I'm after in 2020, Imoved back to uh, to America,
and then I was with my parentsfor nine months and, of course,
I'm in my childhood home.
There's just so much that'scoming up and then from there I
(41:51):
moved back to SouthernCalifornia a bit and then found
my way here.
So I think, even the trauma ofbeing stuck in Austria during
2020, not knowing if I was evergoing to be able to come back my
flights kept getting canceledand then coming back and being
with my family, but still notfeeling I don't think I felt
(42:12):
fully safe to like let, and sonow I just, yeah, I feel like,
like you said, I trust myselfenough to feel worthless and not
good enough, and sad and angryand pissed and annoyed and all
these things that are part ofthe full spectrum of rainbow of
(42:33):
emotions that we're supposed tofeel.
We're not supposed to feel happyand joyful.
I mean, we get to choose that,but I know it's not always going
to be the default feeling thatcomes up, because there's other
things stored and there's otherthings that need to be opened.
And that's why I also love thispodcast, because it allows me
(42:53):
to share and talk it out andthen also, with somebody else,
be able to have theseconversations of like.
So yeah, when you said thatthat was really like a, because
yesterday was like one of thosedays where I was just like
messy- as fuck.
Elisa Marie (43:11):
I relate with that since I moved in with my
boyfriend because we both didn'treally have time to grieve our
exes, or like he was married for16 years and it's just a grief,
it's a literal death.
It's like his whole adulthoodis conditioned to like be with
that woman and and so it wasreally hard the amount of like
(43:33):
sadness and grief and sufferingI saw in him.
But just it doesn't affect me,like when you're in a really
healthy relationship you don'thave to sweep in and what's the
matter?
And are you okay?
What can I do for you?
It's like this is so his owndeal and I will be there to love
him and comfort him when heneeds it and when he comes to me
(43:54):
.
But a lot of it it's like wekeep our healing pretty separate
and it's been really good forus.
We don't have to rely on eachother for our emotional needs or
be super codependent or have to.
You know it's like we have eachother, we support each other,
but, like I said, there's thislighthearted playfulness to our
love that really feels sodependent and we're not
(44:17):
codependent on each other, we'rejust interdependent and it's
helpful and it's healthy and itdoesn't feel heavy or weighed
down or oh, he's so sad andgrumpy and what can I do for him
and how should I help him?
It's like we are soindividualized and so whole and
complete on our own that itnever feels like this weight of
like if I'm not happy, the wholehouse isn't happy.
(44:40):
It's like if I'm not happy, weall celebrate my sadness.
There's nothing wrong when Iwant to cry.
It's like totally healthy,normal.
And especially, I've realizedthat being with Aaron cause he's
a dark person, he has a darkemotion, like he's so dark
compared to me and I love it.
He's this tortured artist.
(45:01):
He's just this like moodyartist and makes his music
brilliant and he's just torturedover there and I'm like I love
that for him.
I don't have to fix anything orcorrect it or make him upbeat
and happy.
It's okay for him to be grumpyman sometimes, like I don't.
I don't ever look at any emotionlike one so much above the
(45:22):
other.
It's just been a very Iregulate my emotions and he
regulates his and it's not aburden on me to make him happy
and it's and it's been really.
It's been really interestingand healthy, because growing up
in this Mormon household it wasjust so not that case and it's
like happy wife, happy life, andif mom was sad, the whole
(45:46):
household had to suffer with heryou know, and so it's really
been hard to kind of balancelike that toxic positivity that
can just be underlining weird,like optimism that's taken too
far, like I feel like I dogaslight myself sometimes.
I'm not always present or honestwith my emotion.
And I looked up the root wordof honesty and that comes from
(46:13):
the Greek root of hone.
It means to hone in, and when Ithought of that I was like
honesty is really just to honein on what is, and what is is
right.
And when we stop trying to makeanything in our life wrong or
stop trying to not be contentand happy with it, there's
(46:33):
nothing that could be wrong.
There's no possible thing thatcould go wrong.
Everything is divinely for us.
And so when I'm honing in onwhat is inside of me, when I'm
honing in, I'm like, oh my God,I'm finally honest with myself.
I am still struggling with shame.
I am still feeling worthless.
I am still craving my ex.
I am still feeling worthless.
I am still craving my ex.
I am still really missing theMormon church.
(46:55):
That's all part of my identitytoo, and it's been really
healthy to just be like I don'thave to, like throw the baby out
with the bathwater and be likeI'm not a Christian anymore, I'm
an atheist.
I don't have it's like.
No, like I am a Christian, Ibelieve in God.
I have all of these spiritualand religious beliefs still, but
in a lot healthier containerfor myself, and it's okay to
(47:18):
just kind of pick and choose, Ifound, to hone in on what I'm
really feeling, and every dayit's different and every day I
honor it and it's okay.
Yeah, yeah, every day isdifferent and it's okay.
Lunden Souza (47:31):
Yeah, yeah, every day is different and I feel like
I should pay you for this,because this is very helpful for
me.
Right now.
I feel like I'm in a goodsession because I like the way
you illustrated you're inAaron's relationship of healing
and I think my default is, whensomeone that I'm in a
relationship with is goingthrough something hard, I think
(47:53):
I did something Like what did Ido?
Was it my fault?
Did I like you know?
And you're like, like you said,I need to fix it or I need to
figure out if it was, and it'slike no, it just it is what it
is today and that's what it isfor him, or for her, or for you,
or for them, and, um, itdoesn't have to be, you know,
(48:14):
fixed now, or it doesn't have tobe anyone's fault, or it could
just have come up today for himand that's what was supposed to
come up for him today.
Do you guys um, like how do youguys know where each other are?
Do you use words?
Do you just feel, like you guysjust kind of know, like you can
just tell, based on when wewere?
Elisa Marie (48:32):
having, we have all the seven kids together.
So like with that we would dolike a percentage, like okay,
sweetie, I only have like 20% inme.
You need to do the 80%.
Like we can just be likeeveryone thinks it's 50, 50 or a
hundred hundred and it's likesome days I'm at three freaking
percent and you have to step upand we can just like tell them
(48:55):
when we're on our last straw andI really can't do something.
You know he can step up, but alot of the time we kind of keep
our kids.
I do my kids duties, he does his.
My kids have a lot of physicalneeds.
Getting them dressed and outthe door and fed have a lot of
physical needs.
Getting them dressed and outthe door and fed.
His kids have a lot ofemotional needs.
Their mom struggles emotionallyand they just have a lot of
(49:17):
needs from me.
And I have a divine gift to makepeople feel seen and heard and
loved and valued.
Because I'm a hairdresser, Iget a woman in my chair and it
is hair-pee and I just get totell them and give advice and
make them feel loved andbeautiful.
And that's been a reallybeautiful career for me, cause I
feel like I've learnedbrilliant social skills that way
(49:38):
.
But with his kids it's like,yeah, I'm just here to be a
connection to them and love forthem, and we definitely um have
struggled though, trying to findlike a balance, because my kids
are much harder with their ageand he's done so much better
over time to like warm upbecause we're crazy, we actually
(49:58):
moved in after two months ofknowing each other.
We just moved in.
We've almost lived with eachother for like two years now and
we'll in the summer it'll betwo years.
So it's been this year and ahalf of just like trial and
error and a lot of grief, and mybody does feel safe enough to
release a lot of suppressedmemories about my childhood.
I've had a lot of like newthings coming dissecting my
(50:22):
spiritual beliefs from my faithtransition, dissecting my
horrifying dating life.
Even was really scary, and soI'm like, wow, that was stuff.
I didn't even feel safe enoughin my survival instinct to
release those memories.
But they're here now and I'msafe.
I live with him and we're happyand we're safe.
But he, he always gives me spaceto talk about it.
(50:44):
But we always say like you'remy boyfriend, you're not my
therapist, and if it's, if it'stoo heavy, that it might weigh
on him too much emotionally,like I have other people who are
a lot healthier and stable totalk about stuff with, and
that's really important in arelationship to kind of have a
boundary with that so we cankeep it lighthearted.
We don't want to feel thisheavy weight of like my loved
(51:07):
one is suffering and you'reworried about their mental
health, or if they're my lovedone is suffering and you're
worried about their mentalhealth, or if they're they're
spiraling out of control andit's just been like his choice
is his and my choice is mine andI will never forsake myself.
If it becomes unhealthymentally or emotionally for me
or becomes unsafe for me in anyway, I know I will choose me.
(51:28):
I chose me before.
I can always choose me again.
But but like it's just beenplayful and fun and we are able
to regulate ourselves and it'shealthy.
Lunden Souza (51:37):
Yeah, it sounds really healthy.
Yeah, you guys are awesome.
I love being around you guys.
I love the way that you guysconnect and then being able to
hear in this conversation today,like a little behind the
curtain, of what healing andbeing in a relationship and
parenting and all the things canbe like.
Because, yeah, we oftentimes dooutsource everything to our
partner of like you're mytherapist, you're this, you're
(51:59):
this, you have to be this, thisand this.
And it's like no, you need morepeople in your tribe.
Just like it takes a village tolike they say it takes a
village for a child, I think ittakes a village for every human.
Like we all need our villagerswhen we need them, when it's
time to reach out or have theseconversations that our partner
may not need to have thecapacity for, you know.
Elisa Marie (52:20):
And it's important when you get in a relationship
to like do their Enneagrampersonality type or figure out
their human design or whateveryou want, to try to get into
their inner world a bit more.
It's extremely valuable.
We do the Enneagram coaching.
We learn their instinct, welearn their wings, we learn
everything about each other, andwe did that before we moved in.
(52:43):
And then now I've learned howhe, like is responding to
triggers or responding to fear,and I know that he's going to.
You know, we just kind of gotdown to our blueprints of like,
tell me about yourself and yourchildhood and this.
And is it nurture or nature?
Did your parents nurture youthis way or is it your nature to
just respond this way and toreally get down to the nitty
(53:05):
gritty?
It's like we're both very broad, um, broad philosophical
thinkers, so it's been reallyhelpful because a lot of people
don't have that likeself-awareness.
To like really have thepatience and radical compassion
to understand their partner'sinner world in that amount of
depth and to never push theboundary on it.
(53:27):
Or to, yeah, you just you'llknow their limits.
And yeah, it's only been a yearand a half of dating, but it's
just been really fun becauselove.
Yeah, I am way passionate aboutlove.
I think love is like, seriously, it's just what I'm passionate
about.
So it's been really fun to givemy love to all my friends and
my family and my partner andrealizing there's no one that
(53:49):
doesn't deserve this energy andthis love.
Like every person I come acrosswill get the same amount of
power from me that they'll feelloved and full in my energy.
Lunden Souza (54:03):
I feel that I know everyone listening feels that
too.
Elisa Marie (54:05):
Thank you.
Lunden Souza (54:06):
People that are around you.
I was telling Aubrie.
Aubrie was the one who I hostedVoice of Impact with.
Elisa Marie (54:12):
Yes, oh, my gosh and her and I are podcasting
later.
Lunden Souza (54:14):
I love her and I was like, oh, Elisa's coming
over and we're going to podcast.
And then later on after lunch,you and I can podcast and she's
like Elisa's coming on, oh mygosh, I can't wait to listen to
that episode Because I think her, like me and she's had less
doses of you feel like, oh mygosh, I want to know you more
and I know that she is excitedto listen to that and everything
(54:38):
too.
But thank you so much for beinghere and for coming over
spontaneously.
We've been saying we want to dothis for a while and today was
the best day.
I love it.
Elisa Marie (54:48):
It was the best day On this one table girl.
I love it.
It was the best day, thank you.
Lunden Souza (54:55):
Is there anything that you feel like you want to
share?
Lastly, with our listeners andthen you can, of course, tell
them how to find you onInstagram and all the places,
but is there anything that youfeel like you want to share that
someone needs to hear?
Elisa Marie (55:06):
Right now, it truly is the gratitude for me
and I do want to share that that, like, if you are on a journey
of self-love or self-trust, it'sgoing to start with feeling
grateful for your shame.
It's going to start withfeeling grateful for the
emotions that have been holdingyou down.
And as soon as you can not onlyaccept that you're feeling
(55:28):
worthless or pathetic or sad orlike a failure, as soon as you
really start to be like I'm morethan accepting this, like I'm
to the point of freaking,falling on my knees and sitting
in it and really thanking it,and once you can be grateful for
like the good, bad and the uglyand every part of this
experience, like you then canstart to trust that more will
(55:52):
work out for you, that miracleswill happen for you, like
miracles truly happen throughthe grateful heart.
So yeah, with it being likeThanksgiving, that's just been
like totally like hitting meharder and harder, that like
every miracle that I've beenable to like perform this year,
I've just been walking on cloudnine.
I've just been this likeinvincible human being with
(56:15):
unlimited amounts of power andpeace, raising seven kids and
falling in love again anddissecting my faith transition
and I'm just like starting thisbusiness and it's been beautiful
, like Aaron and I were home allday.
We do music and business fulltime.
Neither of us really work andwe just are on a mission and
quest for the world to be moregrateful and have more peace and
(56:36):
have more power.
So my Instagram will post allof our events.
We do art, therapy andintuitive movement classes.
So if you want to come to anyof those, my Instagram account
is dream, underscore traction.
So, yeah, just dream traction,you'll find me.
And thank you, I am.
(56:58):
I'm just grateful, like I feelreally happy that I was able to
do this, thank you.
Lunden Souza (57:02):
Thank you for being here.
I appreciate you so much.
I'll link your Instagram andany other things you want to
share in the description.
Thank you for you and thank you, guys for listening.
Yay, thanks, thank you, you'rethe best I love you.
Elisa Marie (57:19):
I love you too.
That was so fun.
You're the best.
Lunden Souza (57:24):
I'm going to cry.
Thank you so much for listeningto this episode of Self Love
and Sweat, the podcast.
If you enjoyed this episode orwere inspired by it or something
resonated with you, do me afavor and share this episode
(57:47):
with a friend, someone that youthink might enjoy this episode
as well.
Episode with a friend, someonethat you think might enjoy this
episode as well.
That's the ultimate complimentand the best way to make this
podcast ripple out into theworld of others, and also you
can leave us a review up to fivestars wherever you're listening
to the podcast.
Thank you so much for listeningand we'll see you at the next
(58:09):
episode.
I appreciate you.
Welcome to Self Love and Sweat the podcast, the
place where you'll get inspiredto live your life
unapologetically, embrace yourperfect imperfections and do
what sets your soul on fire.
I'm your host, Lunden Souza.
Hey, before we jump into thisepisode, I just want to make
(00:27):
sure that you get all the freethings possible, if you haven't
already.
You need to get your self-loveand sweat free monthly life
coaching calendar.
Honestly, the way to experiencedeep change in your life is by
doing small little things overtime, and so that's what you'll
(00:48):
find in this free calendar.
You can get it by going tolifelikelunden.
com/calendar.
Get yours for free and let'sget into today's episode.
Welcome back to the podcast.
Today I have a very special,wonderful guest, Elisa Marie.
(01:09):
Thank you for being here.
Elisa Marie (01:11):
Yes, thank you so much for having me.
Lunden Souza (01:14):
Right before we pressed record, Elisa and I were
both talking about how we wantto get to know each other more
and how excited I am for thisepisode because I know a little
bit about you.
I know how I feel when I'maround you.
I know, I think, to a certainextent, what it feels like to be
around authenticity and I feelthat when I'm around you.
(01:37):
But I feel like, yeah, I knowour listeners are in for a huge
treat with this interview todayand I'm just so grateful that
you came over today prettyspontaneously.
I text you last night and I'mlike, hey, we've been wanting to
podcast.
Do you want to come over todayor tomorrow?
You're like, yeah, I can bethere at 9.30.
And here we are.
Yes.
Elisa Marie (01:58):
I'm so happy to be here.
Thank you so much.
That's a very kind complimentabout authenticity.
It means the world to me.
You so much.
That's a very kind complimentabout authenticity.
Lunden Souza (02:06):
It means the world to me.
I'm curious how you feel aroundme.
I'm like, well, I just okay.
So let me start off with how wemet, which I think is super
cool.
We met on Instagram.
I had, I think, what.
I think the way that we crosspaths is because the owner of a
yoga slash, kind of spiritualspace, in Lehi Provo-ish area.
(02:30):
I invited her to come to one ofour Dinner on Purpose events
and I think you and I were likemutual friends with her.
And then you DMed me and wejust kind of started chatting.
You invited me to your ecstaticdance event that you had and,
yeah, just kind of it is mystyle to do things alone.
(02:50):
So I was kind of like, okay,I'm just going to go and show up
and dance and hang out and meetyou and see what happens.
And it was so fun and I felt sogood.
But I think what has been what'sbeen cool is because we've had
a lot of touch points, you and I, which is cool because I went
to your ecstatic dance, then youcame to a Dinner on Purpose
(03:14):
that we did outside and then youcame and taught ecstatic dance
at my event, at my Voice ofImpact event.
And then you came, I think, forjust like one or two lectures
of that event.
And then you came, I think, forjust like one or two lectures
of that event.
And then you came last week tomy house to Dinner on Purpose
and I just, yeah, I admire theway that you show up in the
world and I guess I don't knowif there's a specific word that
(03:36):
describes how I feel when I'maround you.
But I know from the littlenuggets of time that I've got to
spend with you and I know fromfollowing you on social media
for those of you just listeningand not watching the video
Alisa's like stunning, like aglowing angel in the flesh,
right and gorgeous smile, justlike so beautiful.
(04:02):
And I know that from what youshare, what you've shared at
Dinner on Purpose, what you'veshared on social media that your
life hasn't been rainbows andbutterflies and this silver
platter of perfection.
I know you've gone through somuch and so I think where I want
to start the conversation is islike how do you find love and
(04:29):
joy and a smile and all of that,at least some mariness, I'll
call it, despite all that you'vebeen through?
Is it a choice?
I know that you posted onstories, I think last week, like
a video of you just likeprocessing and crying and
sharing and feeling, which, inits own right, is so beautiful
(04:50):
as well.
But like, how do you do that?
Is it a daily commitment?
How do you keep rising andshining?
How do you keep the joy alivein your life and that smile?
I know you've gone through alot and we can talk a lot about
that too today, but how do youdo that?
Elisa Marie (05:09):
I know, for me it is called the Elisa energy.
There is an energy, there's avibration, there's a frequency
that I am on a quest to keeplevel in my life and to keep
that content, peaceful feeling,and I would recommend like for
me I really would explain itlike inner peace and personal
power, like those two thingshaving inner peace and personal
(05:31):
power.
Those are choices every singleday that I feel like I've
dedicated myself to so that Ihonestly can feel a sense of
contentment.
I already feel emotions to themost extreme, like the highest
of highs and the most lowest oflows, and I am a person of deep,
deep emotion and expression,and so for me, it is like
(05:56):
learning to be grateful for itall.
When I am sad, it very quicklyturns to gratitude.
When I am angry, it veryquickly turns to gratitude.
I feel like gratitude has beenmy secret for fully embracing
the happiness and the joy andthe peace and the power.
I couldn't even have the peaceand the power and happiness if I
(06:17):
didn't have those moments ofdespair and the moments of
sadness and the moments of like.
I'm just this multi-dimensionalperson that gets to fully feel,
and to me the worst nightmarewould be to feel numb and for me
, I'm like I have gone through alot and that's why I'm able to
feel like the most intenseamounts of like ecstatic ecstasy
(06:39):
, of like pure bliss andhappiness is because I've yeah,
I've been on the other end whereI felt a lot of sorrow and
suffering and pain and I'm likekind of have this like refusal
to be a victim of my life.
I'm just like I am not a victimstory girl.
I really do focus on the goodand even the bad and the ugly
(07:01):
that's been done to me or thatI've had in my life.
It has been absolutely thegreatest part of shaping me.
So there's the.
It's like I love myself and Ihave to love what's been done to
me to arrive to that feeling.
Lunden Souza (07:18):
Yeah, and I think you posted a reel a couple of
days ago.
Um, that was like how do youdeal with all the hard?
It was not that's not what itsaid, but something like that
how you deal with all the hardstuff, and it was just like
thank God for it all, literally.
Elisa Marie (07:30):
I would just thank God for it all.
It really is my secret the good, bad and the ugly.
You just have a heart ofgratitude, and sometimes that's
hard.
There's like accepting thetrials in your life.
But the next level toacceptance is then appreciation.
And to get to the point ofappreciating the hardness in
your life and just having theaccountability to feel like you
(07:52):
chose it even really helps me.
Lunden Souza (07:55):
The accountability to feel like you chose it, like
you chose this hard.
Elisa Marie (08:00):
Yeah, and it really is like choose your heart
Absolutely.
And I feel in my life I'm juston this quest for love.
I have been on this beautifulself-love journey where the love
for myself has been sointensely magnified and it's
just this mirror everywhere Iwalk.
(08:21):
It's just this beautiful divinereflection of my own love and I
get to love others like sofreely and I get to love them
like so purely and see them asthey are.
And the more I've gotten toknow myself and understand
myself and love myself, I justso effortlessly get to know and
understand and see people forlike their purest form.
(08:43):
And it's really been such asacred experience to feel like
the journey to myself is alsothe journey to other souls and
to other people and to be ableto share my gifts so naturally.
Lunden Souza (08:56):
Yeah, it does seem natural and effortless and
authentic.
That doesn't mean it's not hard, but it just comes off that way
.
And Elisa has seven kidsbetween her and her partner,
aaron, who's also wonderful, whois such a great guy.
Aaron has four and you havethree, right, yes.
(09:17):
So how does that work withseven kids?
How do you teach, how do youheal, while you're also a parent
?
Elisa Marie (09:27):
Oh my gosh that's such a good question.
The children are the prophetson earth, they are the true
teachers, they are the teachers.
I really believe that, liketheir pure, pure authenticity,
before religion or culture orsociety comes and waters them
down or mutes them, we have thisunlimited amount of curiosity
(09:52):
and freedom and unlimited amountof just authenticity and love
and courage.
And watching these kids, it'sbeen really beautiful to just
see them with their little likeI love to look at, like
childhood psychology, becausethey just have these little
minds that are sponges toeverything around them, and it's
(10:15):
been really eyeopening that Ihave to be the example, that I
have to be the one standing upfor my beliefs so that it can
ripple down to them.
And I I very much so.
Take the like I grew up veryhelicopter parents, like really,
really strict feeling, like Ihad, you know, in the Mormon
(10:35):
church.
I had a lot of rules andthey're just phantom rules,
they're not even real rules, butthere's just like endless
amounts of guidelines andparenting is more about
obedience and compliance and youwant the child to obey you and
you need them to comply.
And now, my time in motherhood,I'm realizing it's not a role.
(10:57):
Motherhood isn't a role, it isthis relationship, and the
relationship that it is with achild is so much more powerful
to have connection andnurturement over compliance and
obedience.
It's about the connection andso, for me, I have given them a
lot of space, a lot ofself-expression, a lot of time
(11:20):
for themselves to haveself-discovery, to have
self-trust, and instead of beinglike a helicopter parent, I'm
really just assisting them intheir self-trust.
And the ages are crazy, becausemy man, he has 16, 14, 10, and 5
.
And then I have 3, 5, and 8.
And so my youngest is 3 yearsold and it's just been a
(11:44):
whirlwind with all the differentages and experiencing the
teenage phase and the toddlerphase and kind of trying to
blend and embrace the familiestogether.
It has been a really gloriousexperience of magnified joy,
magnifying love.
Everything is just like totallylike doubled in joy and doubled
(12:06):
in love, and it's been a reallyunique and surprising
experience to be a stepmom and Igrew up.
Lunden Souza (12:16):
I resonate a lot with what you said because I
grew up in a very religiousfamily as well.
Yeah, like you said, obey andcomply and these are the rules
and this is how you're supposedto be and this is what you
should be in here Like, and nota lot of room to feel and
(12:38):
express and share.
And I think it's probably justbeen over the last few years
that I've kind of unpacked thatand unraveled that, because you
feel so like I don't know,smothered, I don't know if
that's the right wordconstricted until you don't.
And then there was just, yeah,a lot of when I was asking you
(13:03):
about your kids, like how do youheal and parent?
I just think it's, yeah, it'sreally interesting because it
inside of me that is like freeand expressing and feeling, and
(13:26):
playing and breaking the rules,if you will, or creating my own
rules or whatever.
And so what do you like?
What do you tell your kids whenthey're feeling a lot of
different feels?
I remember hearing like suck itup, not stop whining, or like
being sad is like what's wrong.
(13:47):
Or my mom texts I was tellingher something about someone who
was feeling a little bit upsetand she's like well, why is he
sad?
And I was like I'm not sure.
I didn't ask, but it's okay tobe sad, so I'm going to go hang
out with this person that's sad,I don't need to know why.
Or like there's just so much tofeel that there doesn't always
(14:09):
need to be a reason why you feltthat in order for it to come up
.
And I don't think I everunderstood that until I was an
adult.
Does that make sense?
Elisa Marie (14:13):
Seriously, yes, and it can be really, really
harmful, I think, to the childto be like go cry in your room
and I don't want to hear that.
I definitely embrace tantrumsin my house.
I think it's really, especiallybecause I have two boys and we
have three boys like five, sixand three, and so I'm just like
(14:35):
these boys.
I don't want that toxicmasculinity where they can't
express their sadness, wherethey don't feel safe to even
feel anger, Like I just thinkany emotion is just energy in
motion and when we stop makingone emotion above the other and
just kind of treating themequally, and it's like when my
kids happy and excited, I lovethem the same as they're sad and
(14:55):
angry and I get to give them mytime and love and affection,
even when they're kicking andscreaming and throwing a fit.
And I found for myself, goingback to that logical reason of
sadness, that emotions don'thave any logic.
Sometimes I will be violentlysobbing and I have no freaking
(15:18):
clue why.
I have everything in my life tobe grateful for, happy for, and
there is something stored in mybody that needs to be expressed
and I'm going to try tologically be like is it my
relationship?
Is it my kids, Am I not feelingfulfilled in my career?
And you're going to try to grabto things and play the blame
game and we're trying tologically make sense of these
(15:40):
emotions and sometimes, the moreyou're pointing blame on things
or people, the more shameyou're going to feel and the
more ashamed you're going tofeel of your emotion.
And so, especially withchildren I know growing up in
religion or anything we aretrying to shame them or fear,
that like put fear in them toget them to obey or to comply or
(16:03):
to feel a certain way, and itcan be extremely manipulative
and it's hard to break thosepatterns.
Like even me, I catch myselfusing those manipulations
because that's like all I'veever known or what I'm used to
is putting an emotion in someoneto get your way, to get the
tactic to get the kid to puttheir shoes on and get in the
car, you know, and so it's beenreally interesting to use, like
(16:25):
to have their emotions be verysacred and I had to be very
present.
You have to be very patient andit's really important and it's
definitely something I have notperfected.
I'm I'm only 29 years old.
I definitely don't know whatI'm doing, but I try my best,
and especially with theiremotions.
I treat them all very sacredbecause they are, we're just
(16:50):
emotional beings.
There's no logic to make senseof it sometimes.
Lunden Souza (16:55):
Wild that you're 29.
You're so wise.
I mean, what is age?
Anyways, I just turned 36,which trips me out, but wild so
cool.
Where did your like self-lovejourney start?
When did you decide that youcould break free from the way
(17:18):
that you were raised and a lot?
And then I know that you hadkids that you raised in this
religious.
You know we live in Utah, sothere's, yeah, a big Mormon
religious base here, I guess,and I know there's a lot.
I mean, yeah, there's a lot ofreligions everywhere, but
especially here.
And so how did you?
What was that transition likeout of that?
(17:42):
I know you still believe in Godand have this relationship with
God because I see what you postand share and I've been in
conversation with you.
But how has that evolved andhow did that kind of start?
And then, how do you likeexplain that to your kids?
I know one's three, so maybeyou know it's when they're that
young it's different, and maybethat's a conversation for later,
(18:03):
but it's like when?
So I guess the question is likewhen did you decide it was time
for change?
And then how do you bring yourkids along with you on this
change journey?
Yeah, I know for myself.
Elisa Marie (18:16):
I was like the most lovely Mormon.
I was so loving my Mormon life.
I love charity, I love mercyand grace.
I love everything about thecommunity of the church because
I am such a social person.
So I ended up getting marriedat 19.
I was barely turned 19.
I got married in the temple andthen I had like three kids in
(18:40):
four years and it was like theplan of happiness.
It's this set in stone If youget married in the temple, you
can reach the highest kingdom.
This is a plan of happiness andit was something I was taught,
that was so ingrained in me at ayoung age, that this is the way
of joy and success andhappiness.
(19:01):
And it was a really uniqueexperience because I I just
wasn't happy.
It was like really confusing tolike feel like I had arrived
and I'm supposed to be feelingfulfilled and I'm supposed to be
feeling and it's so hard tolike gaslight myself for so many
years of like I'm doing thething.
(19:22):
And I got married in the templeand I was worthy and I did all
the things to get here and Ijust had the most severe
postpartum depression.
I mean, I was like so heavy.
I was just stuffing my emotionsdown.
I weighed like over 230 poundsand I just felt so heavy on my
soul and on my spirit and I feltso heavy emotionally and
(19:45):
mentally with the turmoil of theshame and fear.
And my ex was very, veryintense in the church like not
even a normal Mormon, like wedidn't have a TV, we didn't
watch any media, we ate vegan,we didn't eat any animal
products.
We had a very extreme lifestyleof really harsh restriction.
Lunden Souza (20:06):
I didn't know that veganism was a part of the
Mormon religion.
Elisa Marie (20:08):
It's not, but some people like to read the word of
wisdom as that, because there'sa scripture in D&C 89 that says
to eat meat sparingly, only inwinter or famine.
But God's not pleased when weuse animals for food.
So it says that in DNC and myex loves we just kind of we get
into the scriptures and getreally extremist and he just had
(20:30):
like OCD struggles with that.
So I, I, I was fine to do it,like we did it for four years,
but it was like way restrictedto take out any animal products
no dairy, no eggs, nothing.
Restricted to take out anyanimal products no dairy, no
eggs, nothing.
And I did that through mypregnancies and I was like so
sick and had to have IVs andiron stuff, like I was
(20:51):
definitely struggled with anemiathrough my pregnancies and
anyway.
So it was just like the mostdark and dreary time, like it
was so horrifying that I justkept gaslighting myself and I
didn't understand, like what theroot emotion was.
But it was shame.
I felt like 90% of my life wasthis big emotion of shame and it
(21:18):
had to activate me to doeverything, to go to church, to
be a parent, to do everything.
And I quickly learned that Ican't shame myself into changing
.
I have to love myself intoevolving.
And I've still really stuckwith that where I'm like this
absolutely has to come from love.
If I want to lose weight, I'mgoing to lose weight because I
(21:41):
love myself, not because I wantto change myself or my body,
like if I want to have arelationship with God.
It's not going to be a shamefulrelationship.
It's going to be because of mylove for God.
And I just started to gothrough everything in my life
and find that root of the shameand fear inside of me and start
to just totally reprogram.
And I had on my mirror thesaying I completely love and
(22:06):
accept you exactly as you are.
I feel like that positiveaffirmation got me through,
because in the Mormon churchthere's always more and more and
more do, do, do progress,evolve, blah, blah, blah, and
you're just always feeling likeyou'll never be content and
peaceful with where you are,you're never going to be enough,
and that not enoughness justoozed through my walls from my
(22:30):
ex from the church, and so itwas really painful to just be
like I'm actually.
I completely love and acceptmyself exactly as I am, and
that's when I started to loseweight.
That's when I started to seethe light.
Like that's where it allstarted to root.
When I'm like I'm already wholeand complete, I'm just
embracing this wholeincompleteness and yeah, it was.
(22:52):
And I would say the biggestthing that made me really
transform my faith was mysister's death.
She took her life in 2020 andthat was like would rock anybody
, like it was the most horrifictrial and it made me reflect a
lot about the afterlife anddeath and you know, and
(23:14):
everything they taught in theMormon church just did not
resonate with me and this iswhere my self-trust had to
really sweep in, where I justhad radical trust in my gut
instinct and that's hard to goaway from.
Your whole conditioning, yourwhole blueprint, your whole like
childhood and livelihood, andall of your friends and family
(23:36):
and even my husband.
I'm just like I don't fuckingbelieve this and it was so hard.
It caused havoc in my family,it caused a divorce for me,
everything I mean.
The minute I told my husband Idon't believe in it, I want to
take my garments off.
He was like this is a betrayalworse than an affair.
(23:58):
This is a betrayal against God.
This is a betrayal and I I meanseriously, I felt like watching
the wicked movie just barely.
I'm like I want to see that.
I'm like I feel like the wickedwitch.
I'm really standing up for good, I'm standing up for self-love,
I'm standing up for my ownself-trust and authenticity and
freedom, and all the emotionswere so good.
(24:20):
But then my external life wasjust crumbling and I had a seven
month old baby.
I literally had just givenbirth and like my sister had
just died and I'm like, oh mygosh, I have to like move in my
life.
I have to get momentum and andand start to make choices and
actions that align with thisinner light, with this inner
(24:42):
freedom, with this innerself-trust and this amount of
peace I felt and power I felt.
I was like I don't care whatcomes to the ground, I don't
care, I have to stand for likewhat I want and what I believe
in.
So I did I.
I just ended up divorcing himand I had like, yeah, when we
first separated, my kids weretwo, four and seven months.
(25:04):
I had like, yeah, when we firstseparated, my kids were two,
four and seven months.
I was just like, yeah, peaceout.
I feel bad, but we did stilllike love each other, but there
just wasn't working.
It was very much like I gotmarried at 19 and he proposed
after two months Like I didn'tknow the man.
Yeah, so it's been reallyhealing to be like out of that
(25:24):
religion I've been.
My faith transition was aboutmaybe four years ago.
My divorce was three years agoand my life has transformed.
It has become a miracle beyondmiracles, like that amount of
courage that it took to chooseme and now my life is unfolding
in complete like.
(25:45):
I feel so blessed, like.
A year after my divorce I metAaron and he has just he's given
me the greatest gift I couldever experience in this life and
that is love.
It is the gift, it is the gameof life and it has been so
(26:07):
fucking playful I don't know howelse to describe it.
It's a game and we're playing.
We were playing the game oflove and it's been fun.
Lunden Souza (26:16):
I love that you said it's like a game that
you're playing, because when Iwent to your first, the first
time we met, and I went to thatecstatic dance, it was a family
ecstatic dance.
So there were kids and adults,and I know there were a lot of
people in your family there too,like I think your sister, your
other sister was there, and yourmom, maybe your dad too, yeah,
(26:40):
and I think maybe nieces andnephews, and then of course
you're in, aaron's kids werethere, um, and then I know
probably, like you said, whenyou decided to wake up that day,
I like how you said it You'relike I just don't fucking
believe this shit anymore.
All right, it's time to go.
Like, and I know that andthat's what I love about you is
because even through all thehard, you have this like chuckle
(27:00):
and laugh that exudes like,yeah, love even when things are
hard.
But how did you get to thepoint then to be able to like
all dance together, like, howdid that get to be?
I mean, I know life is a dancein general, but then we were
also dancing but like, how didyou guys like?
Elisa Marie (27:18):
Dancing is my most beautiful spiritual practice.
Truly, it has gotten me through, because me and my sisters and
my mom even she suffered abusefrom her father and then we all
had the same sexual abuse fromour grandpa, and so it's just
really sad, especially in Utah Ifeel like Utah has really high
rates of sexual abuse and harmto children and it's I don't
(27:41):
know if religion has a way ofsuppressing sexuality.
It's just really a devastatingtrial to children and it's I
don't know if religion has a wayof suppressing sexuality.
It's just really a devastatingtrial to suffer.
The more I talk about it, themore everyone's like me too, me
too, me too.
And it's just this wild anddevastating experience that
people have suffered in theirbody things they have not chosen
.
And so there was four yearswhere my sister Becca she's a
(28:04):
decade older than me shediscovered this meditation
center that was hosting ecstaticdance and it was held by a
therapist that he just did itfor his clients and offered it
free to the community.
So we were doing it with himand he he just brought in a lot
of men.
I think his specialty was likeyeah, like with sex addiction
(28:26):
and stuff, so his clients werethere and we just felt safe and
we would go in every week, everyWednesday I'd go with my two
sisters and me and we would justdance and we had so much trauma
stored in our body.
Like specialist say, it's likethe body that keeps the count,
and it really is, and it's inour nervous system and you can
(28:46):
try to pray it away, read allthe self-help books, talk it
away in therapy.
But like talk therapy is sorepetitive and really what's
been harmed is your body and soevery energetic part of me
needed to have to process thatand that's why something about
ecstatic dance is where you justclose your eyes.
(29:08):
You're present in your body.
It's a way of meditation, it isa way of complete freedom and
liberation.
And so me and all my sisters,we're just there, like releasing
our inner child.
If we want to be that littlefive-year-old in our tutu, just
twirling around like whatever wewanted to be, crawling on the
floor like primal animals orleaping across the floor like we
(29:31):
could just do anything and itwas a free space to do it, and I
lost like 40 pounds and Ireally do think it was because
of the movement and the release,emotionally and mentally, that
then physically my body startedto catch up with the healing of
my sexual abuse symptoms and soI feel way passionate about it.
(29:53):
That's why I've started to hostit, because the guy who was
holding it he doesn't do itanymore, he moved to Oregon and
so I'm really happy that I cando it for my sisters and my mom
still and anyone who wants tocome.
Like we're going to be hostingit.
We have a great big home inCottonwood Heights that we'll be
hosting it at, or at SageCanvas in Lehi, and it's just
(30:14):
yeah, sundays at seven we justget our groove on.
And my partner is a musician sohe makes a lot of really fun
tribal music, edm music, andit's all has like positive
affirmations in it.
So a lot of it is to helpadvertise his music and get
people like moving with musictherapy too, and having the
(30:36):
music and the vibrations ofthose positive affirmations
really get into our subconsciouswhile we're moving.
Lunden Souza (30:43):
Yeah, I love the music you guys play at Aesthetic
Dance because it's a mixture oflike, like you said, the
affirmation music, the songsthat are created to just like,
help you feel and heal, and thenthere's always like or at least
the two.
I've been to some groovy, funkyand I remember after leaving the
(31:03):
first ecstatic dance, I waslike I feel like I just came
back from the most fun weddingever.
You know, when you go to awedding and you don't know that
many people but the DJ playsreally good music and you dance
with a bunch of people, that'show I felt when I left.
I was like, oh my gosh, thatwas really, really fun, and I
love the way that you and Aaronshow up and do this together.
(31:23):
I loved when we had theecstatic dance at my event
because we did have, yeah, menat the event too, and so I think
that the way that Aaron showsup in his way and just moves and
plays and you guys do thattogether, it gives other people
but, of course, other men kindof permission to move and
express and play and dance, andso I enjoyed seeing how Aaron's
(31:48):
presence impacted the presenceof the men that were also in my
event and I thought that was sobeautiful and wonderful.
But yeah, I mean, I remember toolast week when we had Dinner on
Purpose here and we weresitting actually at this table
and I'm pretty sure you were inthis seat or on this here right
and you shared about your sexualabuse, like straight up at the
(32:11):
table, with a smile on your faceand with gratitude and love and
joy, kind of like exactly whatyou talked about at the
beginning is just like being inthis, like relentless pursuit of
finding gratitude in everything, and in that moment you were
sitting here and I was sittingover here and when you shared
that I was like, oh, this isexactly why we created Dinner on
(32:35):
Purpose, because I grew up in afamily and even with groups of
friends, where you're sitting ata table and you're just like
talking but about nothing, orlike talking but about like
surface level stuff, or like theweather or someone else's
problems, or just like and sobeing at tables like we do at
(32:57):
Dinner on Purpose, where we canjust share and express and say
this is what's been hard, or,yeah, I suffered sexual abuse
and now I'm here and this is how, and having those conversations
brought to the table as well,as we do a lot of really great
conversations here on thepodcast, but it's always so
different and especially havinghad that in my house, under my
(33:20):
roof, when you guys leftafterwards, I just like laid on
the couch and I was like I'm sograteful that everyone felt safe
to come in and share, becauseeven like this morning I was
talking to my best friend, kara,who you and I were talking
about when we started this, andher and I talk every day, and
she was like, how are youfeeling?
And I was like I think I'mfeeling kind of depressed.
(33:44):
I'm not like I don't feel likesuper joyful and happy and like
waking up, like clicking myheels like I am used to, but I
think I'm supposed to like maybebe here, right, because I grew
up in a family where you pushedthings down and on both sides of
the family, mental healthissues and on both sides of the
(34:06):
family, suicide.
And so this morning, as I waslike just getting my space ready
, did my exercise movement, wastalking to my friend Kara, I was
like maybe I'm supposed to feelthis because I haven't really
felt it before and I just kindof feel a little like me that's
okay and you know, but anyways,when I was sharing that with her
(34:27):
, it felt so good and then shewrote, sent me an audio message
back and she's like that's socourageous of you to like just
admit it and share it and that'sokay and like thank you, you
know.
And so it was so nice to havethat dialogue with her and have
that dialogue with people whereit's like you can be like how's
everything going?
And you can be like, oh, it'sgood, thanks, hope, you're doing
(34:50):
well too.
Or it's like how are you doing?
Oh, I don't know, I'm feelingvery like not that great, and
I've been doing this femininewomb space course called
Manesting magic and it's so goodit's.
It's a course that was createdby Dr Aaron Pollinger.
(35:12):
It's part of our Nava communitymembership and I was like, oh,
I couldn't join that course,live when they did it.
So I'm going to go back and,you know, do it.
So there's a lot of, yeah, wombspace meditation, which is new
for me.
I've been meditating for a longtime awareness of these
different centers, but a lot ofwhat we're doing is like womb
(35:33):
space meditation and tantricdance and welcoming all the
feminine energy, right, likeeven the warrior, rage, anger,
feminine avatar, right.
So over the last two sessionsit's like a six-week course.
I've done two of the sessionsand she has us do a lot of
(35:56):
visualization in this womb spaceand the last two sessions were
welcoming in like those feminineparts of us right, the sad, the
guilt, the shame, the you know.
And then yesterday the secondmodule was like the rage and the
(36:18):
anger and the wants to screamand yell and be fucking pissed
and you know.
So also looking at that too, oflike, okay, this is kind of
where you're at in your journeyand what you've been bringing up
, so no wonder the feelings thatyou're starting to feel are a
little bit more dark and like Ijust like, yeah, I love it, and
(36:45):
so playing with all of that hasbeen so cool.
And then being able to expressthat and be like, oh yeah, I'm
not really feeling.
Like, yeah, what I have beenconditioned to believe that I'm
supposed to feel all the time,what I have been conditioned to
(37:05):
believe that I'm supposed tofeel all the time, that's it.
You aren't always happy, you'renot always joyful and excited,
and there can be moments whereyou're just like Yesterday I was
just right by my fridge, juston the ground, just sobbing and
wailing and, like you said, inthose moments where you can have
the highs and lows of all theemotion.
But then I was also layingthere too and had the gratitude
of like, oh yeah, okay, buthistorically on my family line,
(37:29):
on both sides, they've beenstuck in those dark emotions, or
medicated which no judgmentwhatever or taken their life, or
sometimes, in some cases, allthree, or sometimes, in some
cases, all three, and I was just.
I really felt like that energy,was like moving through and
anyways, I just share thatbecause it feels good to talk
(37:50):
about it.
Elisa Marie (37:51):
It's so good, right, it does feel good to talk
about.
I way connect with that becauseI've realized when I'm my most
sad is when I'm doing the mosthealthy habits and behaviors,
like when I'm getting a newhabit that I know is good for me
and it's benefiting me.
That's when my body feels safeenough for that next layer of
(38:14):
like, oh my gosh, I'm opening upthis can of worms and now I'm
feeling there's so manysuppressed memories I'm having
the hardest time.
But it's just like, wow, I'malso doing one more layer of
that onion just to heal thatpart and just to get it off.
It's like if I'm not cryingabout it, then it's still inside
my body and I want to get it upout and away.
(38:37):
So whenever I'm feeling thosefeelings coming up, I do try to
use like art and music andexpression, because I really do
believe that the opposite ofdepression is expression.
And anytime I felt depressedI'm like I need my creation
energy.
And the creation energy is thewomb energy.
It is our sacral chakra that ishere to be and build and create
(39:00):
, and we think it's just here tocreate a baby.
I'm like, okay, I have seven ofthose, I don't want another
baby, I want to create abusiness, I want to create a
life, I want to create joy, andwhen you can like really tunnel
vision on your sacral chakra ofwhat you want to create, that
expression can really help andthat's helped me to like paint
(39:22):
my body or do lots of paintingand be able to be like present
in my body and just start to belike.
This is self-trust too.
I'm trusting myself to feelworthless.
That's hard to do.
I'm trusting myself to feelreally pathetic right now and
I'm okay to be really small andpathetic.
That's totally okay and it'smore than okay.
(39:46):
It's brilliant, it's good forme.
I'm healing it.
I want to sit in the shit and Iwant to feel really small, and
it's totally.
It's like it should becelebrated that our bodies can
feel that trust in ourself.
To just sit in the shit.
It gets so hard for me.
Lunden Souza (40:06):
But yeah.
Trust myself enough to feelworthless.
That helped me a lot right now.
Thank you for sharing that.
It's so cute, yeah, because Ifeel different.
Since I moved to Utah it's beenabout a year and there's been a
lot of stuff that's come up andso oftentimes what I tell myself
is like oh no, your body andyour heart and your soul and
(40:28):
your spirit and everythingfinally feel safe and now you
can express it and you're in asafe container.
You're in a safe spot.
You have people around you thatlove you.
You've met some of the.
I finally have neighbors that Iknow.
My neighbor texted me the otherday.
She's like can I use your trashcan because we have extra
(40:49):
things to throw away?
They're a family of I thinkfive or six.
Of course, my trash cans arejust me.
I was like of course, Pleasenever ask me to use my trash
cans again.
Just knowing to have thatenergy and feel like you're home
and landed.
I feel like that's why a lot ofthis has been coming up, you
know, because I'm like oh yeah,you're not.
(41:10):
You know, when I lived inAustria, I was working so much
on all these different stages,doing events all the time.
There was like no time to feel,or at least I didn't know how
to create the space to feel whatI needed to feel.
I didn't know how to likeactivate my emotional metabolism
.
Then it was like I just had tolike stuff it down.
I didn't even know I wasstuffing it down.
(41:31):
I don't think it was just likeonto the next show, onto the
next video event, whatever itwas that I was doing.
And then I'm after in 2020, Imoved back to uh, to America,
and then I was with my parentsfor nine months and, of course,
I'm in my childhood home.
There's just so much that'scoming up and then from there I
(41:51):
moved back to SouthernCalifornia a bit and then found
my way here.
So I think, even the trauma ofbeing stuck in Austria during
2020, not knowing if I was evergoing to be able to come back my
flights kept getting canceledand then coming back and being
with my family, but still notfeeling I don't think I felt
(42:12):
fully safe to like let, and sonow I just, yeah, I feel like,
like you said, I trust myselfenough to feel worthless and not
good enough, and sad and angryand pissed and annoyed and all
these things that are part ofthe full spectrum of rainbow of
(42:33):
emotions that we're supposed tofeel.
We're not supposed to feel happyand joyful.
I mean, we get to choose that,but I know it's not always going
to be the default feeling thatcomes up, because there's other
things stored and there's otherthings that need to be opened.
And that's why I also love thispodcast, because it allows me
(42:53):
to share and talk it out andthen also, with somebody else,
be able to have theseconversations of like.
So yeah, when you said thatthat was really like a, because
yesterday was like one of thosedays where I was just like
messy- as fuck.
Elisa Marie (43:11):
I relate with that since I moved in with my
boyfriend because we both didn'treally have time to grieve our
exes, or like he was married for16 years and it's just a grief,
it's a literal death.
It's like his whole adulthoodis conditioned to like be with
that woman and and so it wasreally hard the amount of like
(43:33):
sadness and grief and sufferingI saw in him.
But just it doesn't affect me,like when you're in a really
healthy relationship you don'thave to sweep in and what's the
matter?
And are you okay?
What can I do for you?
It's like this is so his owndeal and I will be there to love
him and comfort him when heneeds it and when he comes to me
(43:54):
.
But a lot of it it's like wekeep our healing pretty separate
and it's been really good forus.
We don't have to rely on eachother for our emotional needs or
be super codependent or have to.
You know it's like we have eachother, we support each other,
but, like I said, there's thislighthearted playfulness to our
love that really feels sodependent and we're not
(44:17):
codependent on each other, we'rejust interdependent and it's
helpful and it's healthy and itdoesn't feel heavy or weighed
down or oh, he's so sad andgrumpy and what can I do for him
and how should I help him?
It's like we are soindividualized and so whole and
complete on our own that itnever feels like this weight of
like if I'm not happy, the wholehouse isn't happy.
(44:40):
It's like if I'm not happy, weall celebrate my sadness.
There's nothing wrong when Iwant to cry.
It's like totally healthy,normal.
And especially, I've realizedthat being with Aaron cause he's
a dark person, he has a darkemotion, like he's so dark
compared to me and I love it.
He's this tortured artist.
(45:01):
He's just this like moodyartist and makes his music
brilliant and he's just torturedover there and I'm like I love
that for him.
I don't have to fix anything orcorrect it or make him upbeat
and happy.
It's okay for him to be grumpyman sometimes, like I don't.
I don't ever look at any emotionlike one so much above the
(45:22):
other.
It's just been a very Iregulate my emotions and he
regulates his and it's not aburden on me to make him happy
and it's and it's been really.
It's been really interestingand healthy, because growing up
in this Mormon household it wasjust so not that case and it's
like happy wife, happy life, andif mom was sad, the whole
(45:46):
household had to suffer with heryou know, and so it's really
been hard to kind of balancelike that toxic positivity that
can just be underlining weird,like optimism that's taken too
far, like I feel like I dogaslight myself sometimes.
I'm not always present or honestwith my emotion.
And I looked up the root wordof honesty and that comes from
(46:13):
the Greek root of hone.
It means to hone in, and when Ithought of that I was like
honesty is really just to honein on what is, and what is is
right.
And when we stop trying to makeanything in our life wrong or
stop trying to not be contentand happy with it, there's
(46:33):
nothing that could be wrong.
There's no possible thing thatcould go wrong.
Everything is divinely for us.
And so when I'm honing in onwhat is inside of me, when I'm
honing in, I'm like, oh my God,I'm finally honest with myself.
I am still struggling with shame.
I am still feeling worthless.
I am still craving my ex.
I am still feeling worthless.
I am still craving my ex.
I am still really missing theMormon church.
(46:55):
That's all part of my identitytoo, and it's been really
healthy to just be like I don'thave to, like throw the baby out
with the bathwater and be likeI'm not a Christian anymore, I'm
an atheist.
I don't have it's like.
No, like I am a Christian, Ibelieve in God.
I have all of these spiritualand religious beliefs still, but
in a lot healthier containerfor myself, and it's okay to
(47:18):
just kind of pick and choose, Ifound, to hone in on what I'm
really feeling, and every dayit's different and every day I
honor it and it's okay.
Yeah, yeah, every day isdifferent and it's okay.
Lunden Souza (47:31):
Yeah, yeah, every day is different and I feel like
I should pay you for this,because this is very helpful for
me.
Right now.
I feel like I'm in a goodsession because I like the way
you illustrated you're inAaron's relationship of healing
and I think my default is, whensomeone that I'm in a
relationship with is goingthrough something hard, I think
(47:53):
I did something Like what did Ido?
Was it my fault?
Did I like you know?
And you're like, like you said,I need to fix it or I need to
figure out if it was, and it'slike no, it just it is what it
is today and that's what it isfor him, or for her, or for you,
or for them, and, um, itdoesn't have to be, you know,
(48:14):
fixed now, or it doesn't have tobe anyone's fault, or it could
just have come up today for himand that's what was supposed to
come up for him today.
Do you guys um, like how do youguys know where each other are?
Do you use words?
Do you just feel, like you guysjust kind of know, like you can
just tell, based on when wewere?
Elisa Marie (48:32):
having, we have all the seven kids together.
So like with that we would dolike a percentage, like okay,
sweetie, I only have like 20% inme.
You need to do the 80%.
Like we can just be likeeveryone thinks it's 50, 50 or a
hundred hundred and it's likesome days I'm at three freaking
percent and you have to step upand we can just like tell them
(48:55):
when we're on our last straw andI really can't do something.
You know he can step up, but alot of the time we kind of keep
our kids.
I do my kids duties, he does his.
My kids have a lot of physicalneeds.
Getting them dressed and outthe door and fed have a lot of
physical needs.
Getting them dressed and outthe door and fed.
His kids have a lot ofemotional needs.
Their mom struggles emotionallyand they just have a lot of
(49:17):
needs from me.
And I have a divine gift to makepeople feel seen and heard and
loved and valued.
Because I'm a hairdresser, Iget a woman in my chair and it
is hair-pee and I just get totell them and give advice and
make them feel loved andbeautiful.
And that's been a reallybeautiful career for me, cause I
feel like I've learnedbrilliant social skills that way
(49:38):
.
But with his kids it's like,yeah, I'm just here to be a
connection to them and love forthem, and we definitely um have
struggled though, trying to findlike a balance, because my kids
are much harder with their ageand he's done so much better
over time to like warm upbecause we're crazy, we actually
(49:58):
moved in after two months ofknowing each other.
We just moved in.
We've almost lived with eachother for like two years now and
we'll in the summer it'll betwo years.
So it's been this year and ahalf of just like trial and
error and a lot of grief, and mybody does feel safe enough to
release a lot of suppressedmemories about my childhood.
I've had a lot of like newthings coming dissecting my
(50:22):
spiritual beliefs from my faithtransition, dissecting my
horrifying dating life.
Even was really scary, and soI'm like, wow, that was stuff.
I didn't even feel safe enoughin my survival instinct to
release those memories.
But they're here now and I'msafe.
I live with him and we're happyand we're safe.
But he, he always gives me spaceto talk about it.
(50:44):
But we always say like you'remy boyfriend, you're not my
therapist, and if it's, if it'stoo heavy, that it might weigh
on him too much emotionally,like I have other people who are
a lot healthier and stable totalk about stuff with, and
that's really important in arelationship to kind of have a
boundary with that so we cankeep it lighthearted.
We don't want to feel thisheavy weight of like my loved
(51:07):
one is suffering and you'reworried about their mental
health, or if they're my lovedone is suffering and you're
worried about their mentalhealth, or if they're they're
spiraling out of control andit's just been like his choice
is his and my choice is mine andI will never forsake myself.
If it becomes unhealthymentally or emotionally for me
or becomes unsafe for me in anyway, I know I will choose me.
(51:28):
I chose me before.
I can always choose me again.
But but like it's just beenplayful and fun and we are able
to regulate ourselves and it'shealthy.
Lunden Souza (51:37):
Yeah, it sounds really healthy.
Yeah, you guys are awesome.
I love being around you guys.
I love the way that you guysconnect and then being able to
hear in this conversation today,like a little behind the
curtain, of what healing andbeing in a relationship and
parenting and all the things canbe like.
Because, yeah, we oftentimes dooutsource everything to our
partner of like you're mytherapist, you're this, you're
(51:59):
this, you have to be this, thisand this.
And it's like no, you need morepeople in your tribe.
Just like it takes a village tolike they say it takes a
village for a child, I think ittakes a village for every human.
Like we all need our villagerswhen we need them, when it's
time to reach out or have theseconversations that our partner
may not need to have thecapacity for, you know.
Elisa Marie (52:20):
And it's important when you get in a relationship
to like do their Enneagrampersonality type or figure out
their human design or whateveryou want, to try to get into
their inner world a bit more.
It's extremely valuable.
We do the Enneagram coaching.
We learn their instinct, welearn their wings, we learn
everything about each other, andwe did that before we moved in.
(52:43):
And then now I've learned howhe, like is responding to
triggers or responding to fear,and I know that he's going to.
You know, we just kind of gotdown to our blueprints of like,
tell me about yourself and yourchildhood and this.
And is it nurture or nature?
Did your parents nurture youthis way or is it your nature to
just respond this way and toreally get down to the nitty
(53:05):
gritty?
It's like we're both very broad, um, broad philosophical
thinkers, so it's been reallyhelpful because a lot of people
don't have that likeself-awareness.
To like really have thepatience and radical compassion
to understand their partner'sinner world in that amount of
depth and to never push theboundary on it.
(53:27):
Or to, yeah, you just you'llknow their limits.
And yeah, it's only been a yearand a half of dating, but it's
just been really fun becauselove.
Yeah, I am way passionate aboutlove.
I think love is like, seriously, it's just what I'm passionate
about.
So it's been really fun to givemy love to all my friends and
my family and my partner andrealizing there's no one that
(53:49):
doesn't deserve this energy andthis love.
Like every person I come acrosswill get the same amount of
power from me that they'll feelloved and full in my energy.
Lunden Souza (54:03):
I feel that I know everyone listening feels that
too.
Elisa Marie (54:05):
Thank you.
Lunden Souza (54:06):
People that are around you.
I was telling Aubrie.
Aubrie was the one who I hostedVoice of Impact with.
Elisa Marie (54:12):
Yes, oh, my gosh and her and I are podcasting
later.
Lunden Souza (54:14):
I love her and I was like, oh, Elisa's coming
over and we're going to podcast.
And then later on after lunch,you and I can podcast and she's
like Elisa's coming on, oh mygosh, I can't wait to listen to
that episode Because I think her, like me and she's had less
doses of you feel like, oh mygosh, I want to know you more
and I know that she is excitedto listen to that and everything
(54:38):
too.
But thank you so much for beinghere and for coming over
spontaneously.
We've been saying we want to dothis for a while and today was
the best day.
I love it.
Elisa Marie (54:48):
It was the best day On this one table girl.
I love it.
It was the best day, thank you.
Lunden Souza (54:55):
Is there anything that you feel like you want to
share?
Lastly, with our listeners andthen you can, of course, tell
them how to find you onInstagram and all the places,
but is there anything that youfeel like you want to share that
someone needs to hear?
Elisa Marie (55:06):
Right now, it truly is the gratitude for me
and I do want to share that that, like, if you are on a journey
of self-love or self-trust, it'sgoing to start with feeling
grateful for your shame.
It's going to start withfeeling grateful for the
emotions that have been holdingyou down.
And as soon as you can not onlyaccept that you're feeling
(55:28):
worthless or pathetic or sad orlike a failure, as soon as you
really start to be like I'm morethan accepting this, like I'm
to the point of freaking,falling on my knees and sitting
in it and really thanking it,and once you can be grateful for
like the good, bad and the uglyand every part of this
experience, like you then canstart to trust that more will
(55:52):
work out for you, that miracleswill happen for you, like
miracles truly happen throughthe grateful heart.
So yeah, with it being likeThanksgiving, that's just been
like totally like hitting meharder and harder, that like
every miracle that I've beenable to like perform this year,
I've just been walking on cloudnine.
I've just been this likeinvincible human being with
(56:15):
unlimited amounts of power andpeace, raising seven kids and
falling in love again anddissecting my faith transition
and I'm just like starting thisbusiness and it's been beautiful
, like Aaron and I were home allday.
We do music and business fulltime.
Neither of us really work andwe just are on a mission and
quest for the world to be moregrateful and have more peace and
(56:36):
have more power.
So my Instagram will post allof our events.
We do art, therapy andintuitive movement classes.
So if you want to come to anyof those, my Instagram account
is dream, underscore traction.
So, yeah, just dream traction,you'll find me.
And thank you, I am.
(56:58):
I'm just grateful, like I feelreally happy that I was able to
do this, thank you.
Lunden Souza (57:02):
Thank you for being here.
I appreciate you so much.
I'll link your Instagram andany other things you want to
share in the description.
Thank you for you and thank you, guys for listening.
Yay, thanks, thank you, you'rethe best I love you.
Elisa Marie (57:19):
I love you too.
That was so fun.
You're the best.
Lunden Souza (57:24):
I'm going to cry.
Thank you so much for listeningto this episode of Self Love
and Sweat, the podcast.
If you enjoyed this episode orwere inspired by it or something
resonated with you, do me afavor and share this episode
(57:47):
with a friend, someone that youthink might enjoy this episode
as well.
Episode with a friend, someonethat you think might enjoy this
episode as well.
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