Healthy Romantic Relationships with Rachel & Emilio of RelationshipRenegades

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Lunden Souza (00:00):
Welcome to Self Love and Sweat the podcast, the
place where you'll get inspiredto live your life
unapologetically, embrace yourperfect imperfections and do
what sets your soul on fire.
I'm your host, Lunden Souza.
Hey, before we jump into thisepisode, I just want to make

(00:27):
sure that you get all the freethings possible, if you haven't
already.
You need to get your self-loveand sweat free monthly life
coaching calendar.
Honestly, the way to experiencedeep change in your life is by
doing small little things overtime, and so that's what you'll

(00:48):
find in this free calendar.
You can get it by going tolifelikelunden.
com/calendar forward slashcalendar.
Get yours for free and let'sget into today's episode.
Look what time it is.

Emilio Palafox (01:03):
I saw that.
I just looked at it, look whattime it is.

I saw that I just looked at it three, three, three
.
Well, and we were just talkingfor like this, we were just
talking white and white on whitewe were just all talking for
like 15 minutes and then I waslike, oh, we need to press
record, and so we press record.
Three, three, three, hello.
Yeah, it is you guyscomfortable, yeah however, you
want to be what do you think ofthe camera angle?
Should I adjust?

Rachel Brooke Smith (01:24):
it a little bit.
I normally like to sit onRachel.
Yeah, we normally like this.
That's okay, this feels perfect.
We like to do podcasts?
Yeah, I like that.

Wait, that's what you guys are doing.

Why don't I scoot this actually, just like
this?
I'm going to scoot For sure.
There, that feels a littlebetter right.
Got to get my hair right.

You know what I mean yeah.

Then it just feels a little bit more.
Welcome to the table, neighbors.

Yeah.

I'm so excited too .
We were just for thoselistening.
I wish we would have pressedrecord on the last 15 minutes,
but it's always nice to catch upwith you guys on or off the mic
, and I know that all of us areout in the world creating, doing
our thing, and so sometimes itdoes work out when we can best
record your hand.

That's a ring, that's a ring.

It's fine, it's with us.

But I feel like, yeah, it's nice when we can
collab on and off the mic,because I just love what you
guys are doing and all thethings and we love you I love
you too.

I know I feel like it's been too long.
You're such an incrediblespirit and energy and I'm like
gosh.
Why aren't we like hanging outmore often?
But, it's like out of all thepeople that you want to like
surround yourself, just likewith good energy and good vibes
and high vibrations, and justlike loving and supporting each
other.
You know what I mean.
Like we're always, like makingsure that we're always
surrounding ourselves withpeople like that right and like
you definitely embody that.

So here we are yeah.

I appreciate you guys.
Um, we're neighbors.
We met in such a cool way, um,and I know those listening are
so excited to get to know you,and I know I feel like the last
time we were together was ourfriends Miss.

(03:08):
Yeah, our friends miss, andthis is what I, yeah, we did
friends miss.
And then to speaking what yousaid about, like energetics, we
met like a lot of your friendsand a lot of the people that are
in your circle.
And then I was at my otherfriend, elisa, who's been on the
podcast.
I was at her birthday and twopeople came up to me and they
were like we know, you likewhere have we seen you?
And I was like, oh, I don't know.

(03:28):
And then in a split secondmoment I go oh, do you guys know
Rachel and Emilio?
Cause, it's just like theirvibe.
I have to know you guys, and hegoes.
Yeah, I was at friends, miss, Iwas the sloth.
Oh my God.

The sloth.

Oh, oh, the slot, oh yeah, uh, brie and um her.
Oh my gosh, I'm like yeah, yeahno, no, oh, yes, yes, yes, yes,
okay yeah anyways, it was sofunny because, to the point of
like, just wanting to surroundyourself with people that um
vibrate in a way that just helpsyou feel alive and engaged and
showing up even when it's hard,um, I felt that from them and
they were like how'd you know?

and I was like I don't know, I just kind
of knew, and then I was like areyou from California?

and they said no, and kind of told me where they
were from.
But I was there, like why didyou say that they were kind?
Of yeah just something aboutthe way you kind of walked up
and showed up.
I just figured I meant, you know, because don't I have my close
friends and people that Iconnect with and I know that I
don't see you guys a ton, butI'd probably make more time to
do the things that we do than Ido with other people like you,
Bryson, like some of theneighbors and stuff.

So I just feel like, yeah, that connection
is super cool and I love welland I'm so grateful for you
because so, when we moved toUtah, it was way harder for me
than I thought it was going tobe.
It was like way more of anadjustment and I remember the
first time we met our friendsand had invited us to one of
your events, and it was one ofthose times when I was like I

(04:53):
don't want to go because I wasnot feeling great about myself.
I just was kind of in not agreat state, but I had this
feeling like you need to go,like you need to get yourself
out of the house, you need to gomeet people and you need to go.
And it was like a far drive andI remember the whole time being
like, even when we got there,right before I went into the
bathroom and I cried because Iwas just like god, I, what is
this?
I just have such deep sadnessand I was going through such a

(05:15):
hard time and I just felt likeno part of me wanted to meet
anyone.
At the same time, all I wantedto do was meet new people.
you know it's like those partsof us that are like, yeah, so
anyways.
When I but I was like, okay,god, I surrender, like I'm just
gonna show up and I'm, I'm justhere, I'm just here, whatever
happens, I'm just here, and atthat event, meeting you and
several people there, it waslike, oh, there are really cool

(05:40):
people here.

I had created this story that it just there was.

I wasn't gonna find cool people here
because I had created this storythat it just there was.
I wasn't going to find coolpeople here like I did in LA,
and your energy was just thislight energy.
It was like that's the energy,like that you know, like that's
that's anyway.
So it was just such a beautifuland that that event, the
meditation we did, the people Imet it was such a significant,
pivotal moment on my journey oftransition here.

(06:04):
So thank you.

I love the way we met and I love that moment and I
think we both chose where welive because we have this, this
lake.
it's manmade and it's beautifuland we love where it is but we
both were like if we're notgoing to be next to the water in
SoCal, they need to be likenear water where we can like
stand up paddleboard and theinteresting part about that for
those listening.
So we met at our dinner onpurpose event in Provo, utah,

(06:28):
which is about 40 ish minutesfrom where we even live, right,
don't know each other.
Come as strangers, leave asfriends is what we say for
dinner on purpose and we connectand then realize that you live
like a five minute walk fromwhere I live.
So yesterday Haley, my partner,with dinner on purpose, right.
So yesterday we went out intothe this field by her house and

(06:52):
we did a walking meditation andafterwards I was just like, oh
my gosh, when I was doing thatwalking meditation I just felt
so much gratitude for all thepuzzle pieces that got me to her
because I went to a Dr Joeretreat.
I met Kevin.
Kevin introduced me to Haley.
Haley was living in Denver.
Now Haley moved to Utah.
We're close.
Then me and Haley and Kevin dodinner on purpose.
Then I met you guys right Tojust continue what happened and

(07:14):
what I thought about in themeditation yesterday.
I just I, I fucking love thatabout life and then we were
talking so much before the micabout death and our thoughts
about death and being in thatlike limited present timeframe
of like we have shit to do andwe're all you know.
I just felt like in that momentand just sitting here to making
you know even more threads ofconnections and when you zoom

(07:37):
out on that, that is like socool.
So in all the moments of whereit's hard and you're crying, in
the bathroom.
It's like you can look backlater and be like okay, yeah, I
needed that.
It was worth that cry session tomeet you and I.
I remember just it was ourfirst one.
Are people going to come?
Is it going to be cool?
Like is the meditation going tobe weird?
Are they going to like Dr Joe'svoice?

(08:04):
all the things that come up whenyou're creating anything, all
the things, yeah, yeah, uh,rachel and amelia, you guys are
both.
This is my interpretation ofhow I would intro you.
I didn't plan an intro.
You guys are both creators inthis world.
Um, you both have an incrediblejourney and story, individually
and collectively, and I lovehearing bits and pieces about it
when I can.

(08:24):
You guys are actors and havemade movies together and done,
you know, stuff on cameraseparately and together and do
fun stuff.
And then you have RelationshipRenegades, which is your company
about relationships and thedynamics of individual and
collective healing, feeling andliving life in a happy, right

(08:48):
relationship.
Right, yeah, that's what Iwould say.
But what would you add?
And, and let's, yeah, whereverone of those avenues you feel
like we want to discuss first?
I feel like there's so many, somany topics.

No, I think you did a great job of a
very organic intro about us.
I love that you started with.
You.
Guys are both creators.
In my opinion, I feel like we'reall creators.
I think one of my and ourmissions is to help people wake
up to that fact of the powerthat we all have to literally
create whatever kind of life wewant.

(09:22):
Literally create whatever kindof life we want.
And I think it's when we fallinto the victim mindset of oh,
somebody's there to come save me, or I don't have the power of
choice, or I'm stuck or I'mlimited that's when havoc can
re-run your life.
So I think, um, you know, a bigpart of both my journey, his
journey and relationshiprenegades together was to help

(09:42):
empower people, to remind themthat you can create the love and
lifestyle that you've alwayswanted and that it is possible,
and that a lot of times, thecontrast that you go through in
life and in relationships is oneof the best gifts.
Like all of our really unhealthy, toxic relationships that we
went through before meeting eachother allowed us to have these
superpowers now that enable usto have such deep appreciation

(10:06):
for each other and every little,small and big thing.
That, at least for me, I don'tthink I would have that deep
appreciation, like the deep, theprocedure that makes me like
cry every day and helps usnavigate even the hardest of
times together because you knowthe opposite really well, um,
and you have enough pain aroundold habits, old patterns and

(10:28):
things.
You have a breakthrough thatyou're.
Not even the pain likecatapults you to choose the
opposite, to choose a differentchoice, to make the brave choice
, sometimes the harder choice,to have the hard, brave
conversations.
That is the way to havinghealthy relationships.
So I know it's a little bitabout what I think, but I'm
sorry about that.
I love that you talked about.

You know when you were talking about, like
being creative, a love andlifestyle you've always wanted.
When I think about you know,everyone's living a different
lifestyle out there and you know, when you're like oh, I met
this person that led me to this,which led me to that, and then
all this like serendipityhappening Right, and I think

(11:11):
there's times where, when you'relike tapped in and aligned and
like present and grounded, andlike and living in your purpose.
You don't have to necessarilylive in your purpose.
Let's just call it a line thatthose things start to happen a
whole lot more Right andnecessarily been a purpose.
Let's just call it a line thatthose things start to happen a
whole lot more right and so,like you can create a heaven on

(11:32):
earth experience for yourself,but then you can also create a
hell on earth experience for youas well, and, uh, I certainly
created.
I mean, I feel like life's justa roller coaster and I do my
best to like, continue to tap inand be aligned daily right
hands up.

Yeah, yeah, here we go.

Yeah, but, but I think, yeah, I think, when
you're talking about what'simportant to you with creative
thing, what's important to meyou know the mission of
relationship renegades is toco-create a world where healthy,
happy relationships are the newnorm, just because we feel the
societal norm is based on toxicand failed relationships.
And we want to help change that.
And, yeah, failed relationships, and we want to help change

(12:06):
that, um and uh, yeah.
So we do that in a variety ofways.
You know, traditional model.
We have a creative modelbecause we are also in the tv
and film world.
Um, and I think, yeah, I think,at the end of the day, I just
want to be able to like on mydeathbed since we're talking
about death to like to make surethat I gave away all my gift,
talents and strengths, that Icompletely just used it to the
max, right like.
I think that's one of mybiggest fears.

(12:26):
Is that that I, that I'm notusing it to the full capacity,
right, the the sticky note thatyou have there the time is now
right.
Like to always play big and toalways help people as much as we
can with our gifts, talents andstrengths, and so I'm excited
that that I was able to findRachel about almost eight years
ago, so that we can do thistogether.

Yeah, yeah, and yeah, I know we're looking over
at the thing.
On my fridge there's a.
I've talked about this on thepodcast before and one time my
friend Danny came over and helike thought I was going to like
take my life.

He was like is this a sign?
He was like no.
He's like no.
It's literally a sign he hadlike a heart to heart moment
with me, and I lost people tosuicide, so I'm not making a
joke about it at all but heliterally was concerned.

I'm like no, actually, this is the exactly
what you said.
Like I, I want to get to theend of my life, looking back on,
like all the different versionsof me and the evolution and
growth, and not staying the sameand saying I used to be, or I
used to be, that way and nowI've, and I love that becoming

(13:34):
process and I know, um, I'm notin a relationship and it's a big
thing within your own personallife and I know that's been like
that.
But how do you, or how have you, navigated?

you know, you've been together eight years
, right, that's um, and I knowthat's been like that.

But how do you, or how have you navigated?
You know you've been togethereight years, right, that's um,
and you know, and more to comeof, like growth and change.
And how do you navigate um yourindividual change and then like
growing together?
Yeah, no, I think that's such agreat question.

I was actually talking about this with
my cousin uh, recently, becausehe's 23.
He really even at 23 he's likeone of those guys.
He's like I wonder if I'm aperson like.

I think he's earlier than most um but really
navigating.

He's like how do I really know?
Like what are the things tolook for in a relationship?
Because I was with this girlwho I felt so deeply connected
to.
Yet when he was describing herbehavior, I was like what you're
describing is like bipolar,like it was crazy ups and down,
crazy shit of like being themost amazing human ever and then

(14:35):
like the most not um and and so.
And I could realize, becauseI've been in relationships like
that, where they they're verymanipulative, very narcissist
and they can be such a mindfuck.
Um, and I was really helpingthem navigate some like here
here's the thing because theyactually had different belief
systems, so religious beliefsystems which for some people.

(14:57):
That's the deal breaker, um, butwhat I found on my journey and
our journey has been that,regardless of any sort of belief
systems, people will change andthroughout a span of a lifetime
.
I think in relationships whathas been the most important
quality about a person.
Because knowing that, like insomeone's lifespan if they don't

(15:21):
change at all when I thinkthat's kind of a something to
look at and then also knowingthat, like, humans were supposed
to evolve and grow and expandand in that expansion, if you're
a person that is not open tothat expansion or you don't know
how to hold space for that, alot of we get taught as humans

(15:44):
to be scared of change.
That it's.
It's a scary thing.
Someone else changes and youdon't really have control over
that and you think you havecontrol and then it it has all
these, um, all these kinds of Ifeel like very unhealthy
behaviors can come out.
So, learning one, how to createa space within yourself where
you feel very safe, seeing andloved, but also choosing a
partner, especially a lifepartner, who is able to be

(16:08):
someone that can navigate changeand hold space for you as you
change and hold space forthemselves as they change, and I
think that's something I'm themost grateful for in our
relationship is we've bothchanged a lot like a lot since
we've been together and I think,even when we got married, it
was this deep knowing of alreadyhave gone through some really

(16:29):
hard shit together and seeinghow he showed up in the hardest
moments.
And also how he showed up when Ihad scared my, when I had
shared my darkest secrets, likewhen I was able to share my
darkest things with him and hesaid you know, I love you even
more now because you shared thatwith me.

(16:49):
It was like the biggest healingmoment, because in other
relationships, one I would hideall my truth.
I would, I would hide stuffbecause I was too scared of
being honest, cause I felt likeif I wasn't what they wanted me
to be, then they would reject meand I didn't want to go through
that, so I would just hidestuff.
So it was been my pattern ofbreaking that habit and pattern
and speaking fully like this iswho I am, take it or leave it.

(17:11):
And this is what I've done,this is what I've been through
and this is what I've learned,and so I feel like there's a
long-winded answer, but I think,to wrap it up, the most
important quality is knowingthat people will change, and the
most important quality isknowing that people will change,
and so are you with someone?
Can you look for that qualityin someone where they can
navigate and hold space forchange and growth, celebrate it

(17:32):
and also you as a, as the otherindividual, be able to do the
same, because a lot of peopleactually really aren't able to
do that.

It's very challenging, yeah yeah, afraid
of that change and what thatmight mean.
You know, in the best case andwhat you guys found.
It's like, yes, let's fuckinggo like empower growth, but for
some people it's like a threatto their survival and this
person is going to change andI'm not going to be there with
it and I'm going to lose thatperson.

(17:59):
So let me degrade you or holdstuff, yeah, so that you don't
do that.
Yeah.

Well, like , my friends were together for
like 50 years and for half ofthat like it's a long time half
of that they had the samereligious beliefs and that's
what a lot of their marriage isbased on.
And then, kind of into that,something happened that we
thought would never, ever happenwas my dad decided that that
wasn't his truth anymore, and soand I thought, for sure, my

(18:31):
parents are getting divorced,like for sure, but they are
still together and they havebeen a beautiful example of you
can love I call it loving beyondbelief, which is really more of
this divine kind of love thatcan hold space for all truths at
the same time, and just loveand accept.
And honestly, that is the kindof love that heals.
The other kind of love is veryconditional and it actually
creates a lot more separationand disconnection and hatred and
fear.
And so I think it's reallyunderstanding, too, the
difference between that reallydivine, unconditional love and

(18:56):
conditional love.
And it's it's a lot of work,like it's hard work, to show up
in that divine love, but I dofeel like it's it's worth it we
just went through something likeyesterday that where we we got
to re-experience that.

But I know I said a lot, so I want you to get
to kind of share no, no, it'sjust soaking it up.
Yeah, I think you know.
To add to that, I think youknow there's so many different
people that have different typesof relationships and there's
never any judgment about howpeople want to live their
relationship.
You know, I think we choose tohave a really deep and really

(19:35):
growth type of relationship andthat requires a lot of, you know
, emptying the cup, becausewe've been self-development
junkies for a long time and it'slike, no, like, no matter what
person, place, thing, experience, book, conference, what have
you.
It's like to have thatbeginner's mind of emptying the
cup and filling that back up,learning from her, learning from
each other.

Um.
So empty cup you mean likeready to learn, ready to?

yeah, because like if you have a, if I have a
full cup, right, then I can'tput anything in there anymore,
right like.
So I have to like empty the cupso I can get it refilled, right
, because if your cup iscompletely full, you're never
going to learn anything anymore.
You think you know at all, then?
Well then you're just going tocontinue to just be like this.
You're never continuallyevolving, and all that, and I, I

(20:18):
, I believe that life to me,just like it's constantly in a
circle, over and over and over,and that you're learning sort of
the same lessons and tests ifyou will, and when you pass
those, you're sort of gettingdeeper and deeper and deeper
into the wisdom and more depthinto the conversation, like the
more depth, like I feel likeevery time we go through
something or we go through aceremony, or we change

(20:41):
individually or collectively,that, like Rachel, just becomes
this, like literally like awhole new person.
I'm like, oh Whoa, it's likeanother layer of beauty, and
then another layer of beauty,then another layer of beauty,
and so, whether it's the personor the experience or life, I
think things just get like.
You know, I'm all about justcreating like there's.

(21:01):
You can absolutely create aheaven on earth.
And and it's the mind right,like if I create a story in my
head, because this is the numberone human impediment, right,
people create a story in theirhead about a person, place or
thing they're judging.
Right, it's the humanimpediment they fuse to that
story.
Emotions arise from that story,and then the next thing, you
know you've created your ownsuffering, right.

(21:23):
So I create a hell experienceby getting into guilt and shame
and anger and all these things.
Or I can just get back to thepresent moment where none of
that exists, reset, breathe, etcetera, right.
And then think about somerenewing emotions Right, it's a
peaceful state, all those things, and so sort of.
Back to the relationship.
I think you can always createwhatever reality you want.

(21:45):
And I think when you'renavigating growth individually
and collectively, I think it'simportant to, like Rachel was
saying, like well, let me kindof back up a little bit.
I think, just overall, everybodycan have whatever relationship
they want, but, like we chooseto have that higher love, this
higher conscious growth type oflove, which requires a lot.

(22:08):
But if you choose to do that andchoose to hold space with each
other and choose to have hardconversations and choose to be
committed to growth and to seekto understand each other and to
just become love while you'regoing through all these things
are certainly principles we gothrough then the other end of
that is like a heaven on earthexperience.
It's this deeper love anddeeper connection that I never

(22:30):
thought I could experience andand it's like it sounds maybe
cheesy to say, but it's so trueLike it seems like another
planet or another reality whenyou actually decide to like do
the work together and then onthe other end of that it's like
wow, like we are so much moredeeply connected and then it
just becomes this fun, playful,beautiful experience.

(22:50):
And people don't need to alwaysdo that and go deep all the
time, but like, if you choose to, it can be rough at times, but
it's just so.
To me and to us it's like thegreatest gift.
It becomes like a Christmasevery day, yeah.

You're like unlocking new levels to use your
video game analogy butseparately and then together.
Yeah, and it's um, yeah,reacting from the place of that
story, I saw something on socialmedia it was like this video,
um of two people coming to anargument in the relationship

(23:25):
right, it was a man and a womancoming together and then it
would flash from them beingadults to being little kids
yelling at each other.
I love it and it was so goodbecause the the I'm paraphrasing
, but like the message of it waslike if the both, if sometimes
one kid and one adult come tothe conversation, that can be
okay, Right, and best case,obviously two adults healing,
but whatever.

(23:45):
And then you know vice versa,one is the adult and the other
one's the child.
But when two children cometogether to that fight, there's
like how do you not get to thatpoint?
And of course we're all human.

We all fuck up Do-overs.

Love them this guy is great, but I loved that
video because, as they were kindof morphing and you're like oh
yeah.
And then I had a recentsituation where I was like that
just clicked for me, where I waslike, oh yeah, it wasn't me
present, moment me yeah, comingto the conversation, yeah it was
little, me, little you.

He was feeling something like so what
happened to little Rachel andlittle Melio.

Come to the table, do they often?
And then like what are maybesome of the principles that you
mentioned, where you kind ofnavigate that shit because it's
every day and you have to bereally present for it yeah, it's
hard yeah and yeah, well, firstof all, I think, if you're
listening, I love, I love thatvideo.

I can't wait to see it.
But that principle you know wetalk about often, um, I was just
actually doing a huge workshop,like speech, with like hundreds
of of men who are allconstruction workers, big, much
of men, and a lot of theseprinciples they hadn't heard
before and we were talking about.
You know, anytime if there issomething you went through you

(25:02):
know we call it trauma, but it'sbasically anytime you didn't
feel safe, seen, heard or lovedthroughout your life, most of
the time when you were young, asa kid, if you're life, most of
the time when you're young, as akid, if you're if you haven't
processed that trauma or justhard, challenging thing you went
through.
A lot of times a part of yougets stuck there.
So say, you know if, and itcould be like the little thing

(25:23):
of like I really wanted to be onthe dance team when I was 10
years old and they didn't pickme and I'm not gonna get picked
by- him.
I'm not gonna get picked, so Ihave this story now because that
was so hard for me and Icreated that story of like I'm
not good enough, I don't people,I don't get picked, so then I
fused to that story.
I create all these emotionsfrom that story and that now

(25:44):
becomes my reality, is how I seethe world, is what I project
into the world.
And so we don't realize thatoftentimes that you said we're
not talking to an adult, we'retalking to a child, that child
version of them, that is, thatpart of them, is still stuck at
that age, in that particularpart of life, and yeah, I've

(26:10):
seen my, I've seen our little uscome up in the craziest of
times and also, I think, wasalso beautiful.
It's like that's that the childthat you've ever been with an
adult and they're like throwinga tantrum, or you see yourself
throwing a tantrum.
That's pretty much what'shappening.
It's like, um, and in themoment, what is happening, and
you're still with rage and angerand all this stuff, and you
almost feel like you can'tcontrol it because you all your
defenses and your protectivemechanisms are showing up, uh,

(26:34):
and at the same time, if thereis a lot of healing, uh, from
past experiences, you can alsosee, I see our little kids just
playing together all the time.
Ultimately, that's what a lotof our relationship feels like
is because we have done so muchwork on healing past traumas and
rewriting narratives.
Is that and in that space?
I also think that's what allowsthe most freedom and
playfulness to happen, where youjust feel like you're just like

(26:57):
two little kids that areplaying, and it feels so safe
and free and and and it's myfavorite, like I love it so much
.

So, but I want to get back to your story.

I just wanted to kind of talk about
that, where you can get stuck atthat age and that's not part of
you.
That agent as that part of youand maybe because I talked about
, do you want to go into, likethe principles, where we can
work with yeah, bounce back withthat yeah.

so a lot of our clients a lot of times will tell
us like they don't know how tocommunicate right, like if
they're stuck in a kid, you knowthey got triggered or something
like that, for instance, andall of a sudden there's either
the kid on kid or the adult kid.
Whatever the situation is, Ithink when we think about like
the new higher love or divinelove, like we want to talk about

(27:37):
like the rules of engagement,that when you say higher love.

You said it twice.

It makes me want to bring you higher love
I love that's like one of myfavorite songs, so that was like
one of our wedding songs and ofcourse you're done my I'm like
half off stuff when and he saidI'm like that's

the song.
I'll say it one more time,don't worry, it'll be three.

But yeah, no, I'm hearing what you're saying,
loving it.
And that just made me want tohave a moment with you guys.

I love that, no more of that.
Um, yeah, so with a higher love.
Uh, that's conscious.
And then, if you choose to kindof have this type of
relationship, it's like, firstand foremost, understanding that
, like both are understandingthat, like, hey, we're both

(28:25):
committed to growth, right, like?
me individually, herindividually, because it's
always the man in the mirror andthe woman in the mirror, like
it takes two to tango, like, andso we both know that, like she
has work to do, I have work todo, and and that, and so the
next thing is okay.
So the first rule of engagementthat we're both committed to
growth, right.
Second thing is theunderstanding that triggers are

(28:46):
gifts, right, and so that whenshe gets triggered, she
understands that there'ssomething inside of her that
hasn't been healed yet.
I understand that if I gettriggered by something she says
or something that happened orwhatever, that there's something
within me that hasn't beenhealed yet and a lot of people
don't just understand that andrealize that.
And what?
How is that the situation?
There's a whole workshop onthat.

(29:06):
There's a lot of longconversations to explain that
out and we can if we want toright now, if we want to, but,
but but we both, then understandthat, okay, we understand that
triggers are gifts and, if thathappens, that it's something
within us, right so if she getstriggered or something happens,
we're about to be kid on kid oradult kid, whatever the
situation you describe.
If rachel's being triggered andstuff, I know there's something

(29:27):
going on and it's not about me,it's with her.
I could have done somethingwhatever, but there's still.
She knows that something'sgoing on.
I will then do my best to thenthis is the third thing create a
space where she feels safe,seen, heard and loved.
At that point nothing elsematters, because there's fire
happening, there's an argumentabout to happen, there's a

(29:48):
trigger that's here, and so Iknow there's a trigger here.
My job is to create a safespace where she feels safe, seen
, heard and loved.
Same thing with me.
If I'm getting triggered or ifI'm in my ego and defensiveness
and there's something happeningwithin me, rachel will do the
same thing for me.
So then that's like a big thing, right.
But then these are kind ofprinciples.

(30:09):
But of course then you've gotto learn like well, how do you
create a safe space?
A lot of people don't know howto create a safe space and you
know one piece of it would bebeing vulnerable, right, like if
Rachel shares something in atrigger state.
I would say something like that, must you know.
It seems like you're goingthrough a lot that must be very
hard for you to share.
Whatever it may be, I'm like,I'm thank you for sharing that.

(30:29):
Thank you for whatever it maybe.
I'm like, thank you for sharing.
I want to you for whatever itmay be.
I'm like, thank you for sharing.

I want to acknowledge that she took that
time you know, and not just like.

Just like.
It's a statement Like I reallywant to seek to understand what
she's going through becauseshe's a human.
She's my wife.
I love her.
Why wouldn't I want her to feelsafe seeing her in love?
Obviously, when we're an ego,we just want to like, oh you're
right.
But like we do our best to repthe muscles of like my love is
hurting right now, why wouldn'tI want to like, do my best to be

(30:59):
a divine masculine and just say, whatever doesn't matter, like
just let me see her, because Iknow if I do that she's going to
be like walls down defensesdown, everything out.

And then it's like oh my God.

And so it's like , oh, we don't have to like
attack and attack and attack andattack.
It's like, even though I wantto do something, I know that if
I do that she'll be like oh yeah, oh my gosh, and then, and then
it's a beautiful connection, wecan really have a better
conversation and vice versa,right?
So I think, like what I thinkwhat's important is because
there's always going to be thatthere's life and stressors and
kids and work and all this stuff, and so, no matter how much we

(31:40):
evolve or get better as humansand spirits and all this stuff,
it's like there's always goingto be something.

So I think the book that we're writing
there's always going to belevels, yeah.

And you master this level and then you go to
the next level and then there'sstuff there.
And so I think it's reallyimportant that people just
understand like what are therules of engagement that we can
agree upon.
Agreement for growth.
Yeah, so agreement for growth,understanding that triggers are
the biggest and we can just makeit simple because there's like

(32:11):
four, five, six you can keepgoing down.
You can't give us three, itsimple, because there's like
four or five, six, you go down.
Yeah, so the third one would bejust create a safe space, yes,
where that other person feelssafe seeing her and loved um.
The bonus I would just add, tokind of wrap it up in a nice
little present, is basically um,when it so we have this game of
like whoever owns?

their shit basically wins.

So you're sort of tricking the ego, so like if
we all know what we've done.

We don't like to find the game, yeah, so we just
gave it back, but yeah it's like, basically, whoever owns their
shit first wins.

And what's really cool about this game is
it does trick your ego, becauseyour ego wants to win, your ego
wants to be right.
So in that moment where you'relike, you know, because
sometimes if one person is justtriggered, it's one thing, the
other person can hold space, butusually what happens is that
that person's triggered and thenthey attack, and then the other
person gets triggered and it'slike and then you could be like
attacking, attacking, fire onfire, just escalating, and the

(33:13):
littlest stupid thing blows upinto the hugest fight.
And I think it's realizing thatevery trigger is an opportunity
for a complete blowout or waydeeper connection than you've
had before.
It's always either one and youget to choose each time Do I
want blowout or do I want deeperconnection?
Get to choose each time do Iwant blow out or do I want

(33:37):
deeper connection?
And so this game of who can owntheir shit first first tricks
the ego so that you're like, ifI can be the first one, like I
win the game.

So you win by being like oh sorry, my I was
triggered because I'm a child,like yesterday right, like we
had we had.

We had a little thing yesterday going on and, um
, probably this morning, whilewe were having breakfast out
looking at the lake, justrelaxing, being together, she,
she was still um in a beautifulway, holding onto something.
Because she chose not to bringit up last night, because I was
like an ego last night.
I was in my kid self last night, Right, and not all the time,
but there were some momentswhere I was and I was saying

(34:17):
some things to her that um hurther a little bit and she shared
that during and we talked aboutit and we did what we just
shared.
But there was still someresidue, right.
So Rachel, this morning kind ofreleased that residue and was
like hey, by the way, I wasfeeling hurt with this.
I felt like, when you weresaying this, that you didn't um,
it felt like you didn't Um, um,it felt like you didn't Um.

And what we do, too, is like the story I have in
my head the story I'm tellingmyself is like you know, it's
like you didn't, you didn't youdidn't um.

The story I have in my head is that you didn't
um like care what I was saying,or that I that you didn't
acknowledge that I was hurt andyou were cook and all this kind
of stuff and just some, someattacks, let's just call them
that.
I was attacking rachel on rightbecause I was in defense and I
was an ego at a certain pointand and rachel said that and I
listened to her and of course, Isaid thank you so much for

(35:00):
sharing um, and I was honestabout that because she was going
through something and I loveand I honestly really am glad
that she shares, because a lotof humans can hold things down,
keep them for a long time andhave resentment.
And then all of a sudden theywait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
and then a year or two, threeyears later they blow up and
it's a big thing and it's likebecause it was this thing that
they never got under the rug.

They never got it out of the rug.
It's like get it all out andthat's poison.

Like on.
So it's kind of somewhere, yeah, it will.
But, like I think, because Ithink initially when you
practice these things, they canbe hard.
Right, it's hard to like goagainst ego, it's very hard, but
just like anything else, we dosee it as a muscle.
So the more that you rep it andwe've repped it, we do our best
to practice.
What we preach right is to rep,rep, rep, rep so that muscle
has become big, and not to saythat we're perfect, but it's
just you rep it a lot.
Things can get actually easier.
It really can.
So when she shared that I'm likeall I want is to love and have

(35:59):
a beautiful day and like I wanther to feel seen, safe, heard
and loved.
You are my love, like I choseyou, like you're everything to
me.
So if you're feeling this typebecause of those reps, I'm just
like you're right, babe.
Like I was totally attackingyou.
I totally said that that wasnot true.
I was hurt and I was feelinglike I was just shameful at that

(36:21):
time and I I definitely didthat, I definitely did that, you
know.
And she said, wow, you know,like, and it's just like, say
what you did.
You know that like yeah, I wasbeing passive, aggressive back
then yeah.
And you know, I don't know why Iwas.
Or maybe you do know why andyou can say hey, how can I

(36:42):
support you right now?
Or I don't know, I've got to gobe by myself for a moment, or
whatever the communication is.
But I think we do have thatgame.
We practice it as much as wecan.

And it's done, and it's someone who's any
good, so you won today reallyit's, the relationship rises
yeah the relationship rises and,yeah, each other, because when
one person as soon as one personis just like can breathe
through all of the the shitthat's coming up and and see the
person in front of them astheir little kid self, that's

(37:23):
just hurting.
Like they're just hurting, evenif they're spewing anger at you
.
You can like.
It's literally have to be likea like, a like put on a
different lens.
You know you put on differentglasses and you master looking
at people from that lens insteadof just seeing seeing the anger
.
That's coming and and just beinglike I could see that you're

(37:48):
hurting, you know, and I am.
I just want to love you.
Like how can I support youthrough this?
It's just like this diffusion.

Oh, big diffusion.
Rachel does an incredible jobat that.

And it is.
It has taken me a long time toget there, like a long time to
get there, to be able to hold somuch space for that and also
these boundaries that you haveas well, because there's a big
difference between holding spacefor someone and coming with
love and acceptance andnon-judgment and also having
your own boundaries of like Iwill not be taken advantage of.

(38:20):
I will not be walked over likestanding up for the kind of
person you want to be, because Ithink I've seen people be like,
oh, but I'm just coming fromthis love, and they're not.
They're not speaking theirtruth, they're not standing up
for themselves, they're creatingresentment, they're creating
smallness, and that's not whatwe're saying.
So it's, it's being able tonavigate and dance with both,

(38:42):
and I do think it is a dance andit is a freaking workout every
time and it's a muscle that youknow you built and you get
better and better at yeah yeah,I love, I love that game, that's
even just in your own personalrelationship with yourself like
the faster.

You just kind of get real with it, you still win,
and yeah, we both win at theend of the day.

You know no, but I love that you said
even with yourself, like thathonesty, the game within
yourself, because the mostimportant relationship you ever
have is with you.
Like, and the more I've learnedhow to truly hold space for
myself, love, love myself, letthat little kid inside me that
is hurting.
I just love the show them andgive them the love that they are

(39:22):
craving.
Then I'm not projecting allthat stuff onto other people
friends, family, intimatepartners, business partners I'm
able to just love on me, givethat little kid the love that
they're craving, and then theyno longer are seeking the
attention, validation, all this,or wanting to spew anger, anger
or hate other people to getthat attention in some way.

So I think yeah well, I think that's a beautiful
like crazy.
I'm glad you brought that up,because I think we talk about
this a lot too.
I think humanity might thinkthat this is a crazy statement,
but like loving yourself andlike doing you and really
nurturing you and taking care ofyou is the best thing that you

(40:07):
can do for your relationshipright.
Like loving you, like lovingmyself so much.

First, is loving you.
It is Like sharing something on.

Instagram and you like clapped it and you said,
like I think it was Ram Dass,where it was like the best gift
I could give to me is the bestgift I could give to you is to
work on me and the best gift youcould do is to work on you 100%
.

That's it.
That's it, that's it.

I think that's like mic drop kind of thing on
any relationship, because thenyour cup starts to overflow and
that overflow can like go tofriends and family and
relationships right, I think.

But I do think that's one of the hardest
gifts or confusions is that it'shard.
It's brave work to faceyourself.
Yeah, like it is brave work,yes, and oftentimes the easier
thing to do is to go dosomething else and get it from
somewhere else, like socialmedia or like going, you know,

(41:05):
having a conversation withsomeone or something.
Just doing anything else butfacing yourself, basically any
destruction in some set thing.
Yeah, we all do it yes and so,but it is that like, if you can
just face it, rip the band-aidoff and like, go in and and make
that part of you that feelsscared or hurt or angry or

(41:25):
resentful just learning how,what it really looks like for
each person listening likebecause I think it's a unique
thing that we all have to figureout what does it really looks
like for each person listeninglike because I think it's a
unique thing that we all have tofigure out what does it really
look like for me to love me?
Yeah, and I think that's likeever expanding, ever changing.
I think what does it look liketo love me today?
yes, birthday 10 years from now,um, and and that that is like,

(41:49):
probably like your number onething like what does that look
like to really love on me today?
And I love this phrase of like.
Love yourself enough to havethe hard conversation, love
yourself enough to go do theworkout?
Like not because you're tryingto punish yourself, but because
you just want to nourish andlove you.
Love yourself enough to go onthe adventure that scares you
because you know you might dietomorrow and you want to live

(42:11):
like.
Love yourself enough to go onthe adventure that scares you
because you know you might dietomorrow and you want to live
like love yourself enough totake care of you even when it's
really hard.

Yeah, love yourself enough to say no to a
relationship or any relationship, or say yes to a relationship
yeah, depending on what chapteryou're in right like I mean for
me.
I remember I won't get too deepinto it, but it's like we were
just talking about this morning.
Like I was, I remember being init.
I went through so many toxicrelationships before I met
rachel right like and to work,continuously work on myself to
become the man to attract awoman like rachel um and, and

(42:40):
one of them in particular, Iremember three months in so many
red flags but like went intothe relationship anyway and then
like almost like every otherweekend wanted to break up
because there was constantfights.
I was also doing a lot of drugsand alcohol at that time and
this was living in toxicenvironment.
So was she, and it was justthis like whirlwind of pain and

(43:02):
suffering for each other.
Like it was just the worst.
Right Like every other weekend,if not every weekend.
For three years it lasted and Ishould have ended it probably
less than three, you know months, if not three weeks.
And the only reason I bring thatup is because you know you get
what you tolerate, and like Itolerated so much, so did she
and I didn't love myself enough,honestly, to say, like we can't

(43:27):
do this, I can't do this tomyself, we can't do this, I
can't do this to myself anymore,I can't do this to you, we
can't do this to each other.
Like I have to walk away.
We have to walk away, you know,and we were just dating, you
know, for the three years.
But I think, like for me and mystory it's like, or at least
one of them it's.
I didn't love myself at thatpoint because I would have
chosen differently.
Because you can choosedifferently, can choose every

(43:49):
day to say no to something andyes to something which is such a
goal to say like I that wastoxic.

I was in that for three years and I chose that
yeah yeah because I think ofpeople listening now that are in
that situation, that cyclewe've all been there and say go
out to sit you know, yeah, andthen to own your shit and say
I'm choosing what I'm gettingyeah, and this repeat record I'm

(44:23):
keeping press and play on, yeah, like yes and I love those gold
moments because you know, I'vegotten good at them, and it also
makes me think of literally thetitle of this podcast, because
I it's called self-love andsweat, and I started it as a
different version of myself,much more into fitness, the
workouts, right, but now I liketo say I'm into the work ins,

(44:46):
like it's not just both workouts, work ins and self-love is what
we're just talking about.
And sweat initially was workouts, you know, but now for me it's
like those moments where you'relike gotta face that I'm sweaty
and I'm going to do it anyways.

Yeah, totally.

Next level new things, new scaries, new stuff
to, like you know, overcome, andso um, it's your gym, like you
are in a one of the hardestworkouts of your life, when
you're doing the work-ins likeit is wild.

Well, and, just like emilio, I have the
same stories.
I mean, it was, I had severalrelationships I knew were wrong
for me, like so so, so quick,and I couldn't get estate.
I couldn't for years.

I just like not going to matter.

And again like it's so hard to to
understand why you're in it.

So you're in it For sure.

Am I going through this?

Like why is that to be so hard?
Why is it so confusing?
Like why can't I just know theanswers?
And I think, if you're reallyreally, really honest with
yourself.
You do.

You're just too scared to face it, to face it
and to do it because it's reallyhard.

It's hard, it's hard to go through a
breakup, it's hard to be alone,it's hard to navigate through,
like the grief because you'reit's.
It's grief like you're lettinggo of of not only a version of
you but that person, becausethey're no longer.
You're saying, hey, like Igotta step away, like I'm no,
and it's a big ego play too,because I think a lot of times

(46:21):
we're like, oh, at least in mystory.
I'm like, yeah, but I need tohelp them, I need to save them.
I like they're struggling andoftentimes I would attract these
guys that I always felt like Iwas like pulling them up the
mountain with me and then I waslike why do I keep attracting
into my life?
And I was like, well, because Ihave this part of me that feels
like I have to save people andso of course.
I'm attracting that into my lifebecause I have that deep rooted

(46:44):
story in me that it's my job tosave people.

Yeah.

And it's not my job to save people, it's
my job to save me.

Yeah.

And it was the learning of what that looks
like.
Again, like, what does it meanto love me?
Because it's really hard tolove you and it's sometimes
easier to just love everybodyelse.
But that love that you'regiving everybody else is not
really a healthy love, becauseyou can only give away what you
have and if you don't have itfor yourself like you're, an

(47:12):
orange can only squeeze outorange juice.
It can't squeeze out lemonjuice.
So whatever you got inside ofyou is what you're giving, and
oftentimes we'll call that likeum, if you have a conditional
love for yourself, you probablyhave conditional love for other
people.
If you can create that reallydivine, higher, unconditional
love for yourself, whereeverything you've done, gone
through, experienced, it's allokay, like it's all okay and

(47:35):
I've done some terrible shit, solike to be able to be like I
forgive you, I love you, it'sokay and I'm not ashamed anymore
and I'm not living in thisshameful spiral.
There's a quote that I lovethat says like get rid of shame.
It will not add or get rid ofguilt and shame.

(47:58):
It will not add a smile, adollar or an ounce to any of
your days.
Like there's a certain number ofthings other than making you
feel miserable and makingeverybody else in your life
miserable, and I mean, I thinkforgiveness work is some of the
most important work, and we'veactually been on a really
intense retreat, called fouryears of them, where we spent

(48:21):
like seven days basically juststraight doing forgiveness work,
like with no technology, nodistractions, basically you in a
pod by yourself.
Right, a lot of technology yeah, you're hooked up to
neurofeedback the whole time, soit's tracking your brainwaves
and what's happening which issuper cool, but I mean like but
you're not for any part of theday, like for seven.

(48:44):
You are completely out for likea week no stimulants no, nothing
, how nice yeah, yeah, yeah,yeah.

I love this world.
It's how we got to you know whowe met, yeah, Sometimes I think
what that could be like, andit's great to create containers
to do that.

It's.
I think it's so important.
I think oftentimes that's whatour souls are craving.
But it also makes you faceyourself and wherever you go,
there you are and you have nodistractions.
You really face yourself.
And wherever you go, there youare and you have no distractions
.
You really face yourself.
And but this forgiveness work Imean we were spending on one
thing like hours like and cryingand screaming and shaking and

(49:21):
like somatic work and like justgetting all out of your system
and reframing every little thingthat ever happened to you,
where you thought it was aterrible, bad thing.
And you get to this place whereyou're so grateful for that
thing, like not even justforgiving and letting it go, but
like you were like, wow, I amso grateful that that dark,

(49:42):
crazy, ugly thing happened to me, because now, through this work
, I see the gifts that it gaveme, and these gifts are
superpowers and I realize nowthat probably that was the way I
had to learn them and maybe Iwouldn't have learned them any
other way, and it is the reasonwhy I'm able to show up in the
world the way I am now, and so,wow, I'm really grateful for
this thing and this person thatI used to hold a lot of like

(50:04):
anger or hate to, and now I justhave complete love for them and
or yourself, like you also haveto love, forgiveness, work on
yourself too, but it was thatwhole other topic.

But that kind of work, I think, is just like one
of the most powerful things youcan do, because when you forgive
those moments, it's like you'reowning your story and instead
of like wishing it was adifferent way, it's like, yeah,
how I mean I, I do this oneforgiveness meditation, the
whole phone, oh yeah, but that'slike a yeah how I mean I?

I do this one forgiveness meditation, the
whole Pono, pono, oh yeah.

But that's like a few minutes like that's not
seven days.
My mind is going like a fewPono Ponos.
I'm like feeling real good, soimagining going into that, but
those, yeah, those scenarios andsituations where you still hold
those ties.

And yeah, no, go ahead go ahead.

No, I wasn't going to say yeah, you're next no, I
was just when you brought thatup.

I think you don't necessarily need to go to
something like 40 years of zen,because it's a you know thing,
but what was cool about that,though, with the technology
applied to the head, was that,like you can and it was sort of
um, if anybody listening knowslike um alpha.
Are you familiar with differentbrain waves?

totally okay, cool , right.
So you know, there's like beta,alpha, theta, delta, etc gamma
um.

So this one was more of an alpha training
because you can go to like atheta training and so it's more
of alpha.
So you got to kind of umthrough, through, uh, sound
neurofeedback um, you can kindof start to understand when
you're an alpha and they wantedyou to be an alpha, because in
an alpha brainwave state, um,it's a very versatile state and
you can get a lot of healingdone.
There's a lot of like rewiringthat can happen in your brain in

(51:44):
an alpha state, and so it wasreally cool is that while we're
going through certain techniquesto clear whatever it was in the
past, or to clear whatever, um,you know it's best to be in
that alpha state, right, and soyou would go through the
clearing, let's say, and, um, ifyou and you knew that you were
in an alpha state, because youwould hear these gongs like oh,

(52:06):
and the more alpha that you werein, the more this gong and it
was getting really like reallyjust the production of the gongs
and everything really becameloud.
So while you were doing it, youknow that you were doing it
right and you can continue to goin so, so encouraging, so it's
very encouraging that you knowthat you're actually doing it.
It's almost like if like.
It's almost like if I'm likeI'm gonna kind of go a side

(52:27):
parallel for a moment.
Let's say I'm like, hey, I didthis and I'm really sorry, I did
that, and it's like you're notreally sorry, like your nervous
system knows if you're reallysorry or not or if you really
forgave that person.
So if you did the wholeclearing and you're not hearing
gongs, you weren't being forreal, yeah you didn't really
clear it.

You didn't forgive , you didn't really clear or
whatever it was.

It was a lot of forgiveness, but there was also
a whole bunch of other thingstoo.
So, whatever clearing we weredoing, not only were the gongs
like could tell you if you'rereally doing it right, but then
also you could see the graphsafter the session.
You're literally in this pod,black pod, like closed eyes,
weighted blanket, like in thisblack pod, and doing this work.
And then you go and thenafterwards you can see the
graphs.
You're like okay, so this iswhen you were doing that, or

(53:08):
when we told you to do that, andyep, no, you weren't in that,
so you got to go back and do itagain.
You know what I mean.
Essentially, you would gothrough like a therapy session,
coaching session, whatever, andthen it's like okay, emilio,
then you could go one-on-one andthen let's go back in the pod
and work on xyz again, because Ican see in the graphs that you
didn't do it and you probablyknow for yourself that you
didn't hear the gongs whileyou're going through it.
So it's kind of.
There's so many incrediblethings about that retreat, but

(53:31):
one of the cool things was likeknowing, knowing, built-in
accountability yeah, and thenafterwards, when you left, like
let's say even now, like if I'mgoing through a clearing in my
head or whatever practice orwhatever it is.
I know what it feels like to bein an alpha state because we
practice for so long so now I'mlike let's get an alpha state
and then let's do whatever workand then I can tell now so much

(53:53):
because we did it so many timesthat like I know now what alpha
feels like and I know when I canget into it when I slip out of
alpha.
So that's kind of really coolto if people are interested in
that technological kind ofgetting hooked up to the brain
way, being hooked up to thebrain and doing the work.
In that sense it's kind of acool other type of retreat.

Yeah, I'm happy to hear more about it, because I
remember when you guys sharedstuff on social media about it
how transformative it felt foryou guys.
And yeah, I just forgot to askyou about it.
And now it's so cool and I lovethe brain.
I just think it's so amazingand when you really get to learn

(54:32):
how to tune in and tap into,like you said, different
brainwave states, and you knowwhen you're there and you feel
the change and you, you knowit's it is.
I love how you said put in thereps within your repetition I
mean within your relationships,you have repetition of showing
up.
But also like we can change,like our brains can change, and

(54:53):
so big I always say I say thiswith a big hug, but stuck is a
choice.
Right there's.
You might be going the scenicroute in some way, but there's
actually like a differentpathway and we get so convinced
that like what we're creating isso fucking real.
It's like actually there's waysto rewire that map, yes, and
it's so liberating and cool tobe able to experience that

(55:14):
together.
And it retrieved all of thatand and that's why I just love
to keep going, because I'm likemy little puny brain is limited
I'm like there's more, likethere's other ways to to tap in
and rewire and and yeah, yeah,it's so fun it's so real too.

It's just, you know, one of our favorite
teachers is wayne dyer and oneof his quotes that that you,
when you change the way you lookat things, the things you look
at change.
And I have to think about mylast year here, when we were

(55:55):
first moving.
I was really going through likea lot of complex stuff, both
like transitioning to a newplace, felt like I was
transitioning to a new chapterof life.
I was dealing with, uh, all myfreak outs of like getting older
and having more wrinkles and mybody not feeling as light or as
fit or as young as it used to,and what that meant in my acting
career and and am I ready to gointo motherhood?

(56:17):
What does that mean for me?
And am I just going to become aboring Utah mom?
And is my career over and like?
Am I just?
And then am I not as valuablebecause I don't feel like I'm as
pretty as I used to be?
like just all this dark shitthat just spiraled.
And the wild thing was is Ifelt like all of last year I had
lots, of you know, the rollercoaster of life ups and downs,
where they kind of got betterand I did work, and then I kind

(56:39):
of like went down again and thenI got better and I did work.
And also, as females, we'revery cyclical so we, and every
month I go through like my deathand rebirth, like every month
and um, and yeah, I got again.
I think another huge thing tolook for relationships is
understanding, understanding thedynamic and also calling in
having a partner that um canreally hold space for you

(57:01):
through that, because, blessthis man, he does.
It just knows that like, okay,I just my work is just holding
you, letting you cry, and Idon't do anything else.
I just like hold you, let youcry, and that's all I need and
that's all I'm craving, andthat's hard work for him, like
for a new human, because you'relike oh you see me, yeah, and
and, yeah, and still can't comeup anyways.
The um.

(57:21):
The biggest thing I want to sayis, like, through a lot of this
work, though one, it's notlinear, it's not like you do
something all of a sudden, likeit can come back in different
chapters in different ways, butI have these deep, deep beliefs
that, like, my value isassociated to what I look, like,
like, and that came from likechildhood and different things

(57:44):
with my mom and what I saw, andnot just what I people told me
growing up, cause we don't takein what we hear, we take in what
we saw.
And I saw behaviors of likepicking apart your body and
saying that you're fat and ugly,even though you look to me,
they were beautiful and and somy little me was like, oh,
that's that's how, that's howwe'd be in the world, like

(58:05):
that's what you're supposed tobe and that's also when you have
a deep belief, there's thispart of you that's like, well,
everybody thinks this, likeeverybody lives this way, and
then when you go and share thesethings and you realize, no,
actually, like people don't havethis belief at all and their
reality is so different becausethey don't have that belief, and
so going in there and beinglike oh, I can breathe, excuse

(58:27):
me, bless you, bless you.
Oh, too Just like Rachel.
Rachel, excuse me, bless you,bless you, oh two, just like
rachel but but also that anybeliefs that we have, if it's
not serving us, we want tochange it, we really can, and
when we do that work to changeit at like a cellular, like
unconscious level, your wholeworld is completely different,

(58:49):
like nothing.
I'm actually technically olderthan I was last year, but I feel
younger, freer, prettier, morevaluable than I ever have
because I changed those beliefsand my whole life feels
different, like it just feels so.
There's so much more space andso much more peaceful.

And I walk through the world and people are like
oh, you're like glowing and I'mlike I was gonna say that's you
and then it penetrates into yourrelationship and all of those
other areas.

But it also is self-affirming so like
when you're stuck in that place.
People can feel that energy,and no wonder why I wasn't
booking as many jobs.
So I was affirming that beliefthat I'm.
My values are such as to look,and so people don't like me
anymore because I don't look thesame or because I don't not as
young.
So then that a belief getsreaffirmed and vice versa, in

(59:38):
this belief that I'm in now oflike no, I'm in my prime and
like I'm in the best you'reliving your believe in my belief
and then all of a sudden, I'mattracted because I'm exuding
that energy.
People can feel that, and thenI'm attracting those abundance
and all this and then thataffirms that belief.
So it's just either way.
Like our minds are so powerfuland so cool, um.

I want to talk about and I don't know the name,
but I just know you're doingsomething new with a therapy and
it's movement based, and youinvited me to come to something
and I couldn't make it and I'mexcited to come, but what help
me?

Rachel Brooke Smith (01:00:07):
up more about that.
I have been working.
It's definitely like a, a deepsoul calling um.
Right now.
We're calling it expression,therapy expression therapy okay
I've gone back and forth a lot.
So I'm like is it dance therapy?
Is it expression therapy?
Is it what is it?
Um?
And it's ultimately these kindof a program that I'm working on
and um live experiences that Ido, where I take people through

(01:00:31):
all different kinds of forms ofexpression, cause I feel like in
my life the biggest thing thatI have felt when I feel stuck
cause when you get stuck, it isit's really hard and the things
that have helped me out of it itwas like understanding that I
could hear all the cool thingsin the world, like I could hear
all the great podcasts and thebooks and the and the quotes and

(01:00:51):
the phrases and on some levelI'd understand it logically.
But I was like, how come I'm notable to embody it though, like
I'm not embodying it, and why doI feel like there's these
blocks there still?
And so when I learned, I'm likemy whole life I've been using
these tools of dance and singingand or sound expression and

(01:01:12):
these tools of dance and singingand or sound expression and or
writing and journaling, orbreath work or guided meditation
, like, or like all these formsof different um, using every
sense that you have to expresseverything that is within you so
that it is no longer suppressed, it is expressed and that
humans we want to feel expressedand witnessed in that
expression.
And when you were able to havethat in a full spectrum
experience of every workshop Ido, where everything has a

(01:01:36):
specific topic that we go inaround and there's specific
journal prompts.
So you're writing, you'rewriting out and you're
expressing all that, all thatbullshit that's in your mind.
You're getting out on paper,you're slowing your brain down
so you can actually see it, andthen if people share it and they
feel witnessed in that, andthen we go into breathwork and
somatic movement and you'rewe're using music as well that

(01:01:56):
is aligned with that theme.
So it's very it's all kind ofthis holistic experience.
And then in the dance we'relearning actually dance moves
that are related to that sametheme and that same mantra and
we're singing out theseintentions.
That are the songs that I'mchoosing are very like
intentional and a lot of thelyrics are basically saying a
lot of phrases that are helpingwith whatever the topic is.

(01:02:16):
So you're singing, you'reexpressing in sound, you're
expressing in movement, you'reexpressing in writing, you're
expressing in the Hapona prayerand I using in other people and
getting to feel witnessed inthat, um, and it's's awesome,
like it's so freaking powerful,all the things you love and use
yeah, and then you get to andguided meditation, yeah and and

(01:02:37):
really just you know I felt like.
so I used all those tools tomanifest whatever you want to
say create, manifest, overcome,uh, not only playing the lead
role in the sequels of the filmthat changed my life, which was
the catalyst to my whole actingcareer, and since then I've done
45 films and have some reallycool ones coming out this year

(01:03:00):
as well.

Lunden Souza (01:03:01):
I loved going to alien.
I went on a solo date to watch.
I bought popcorn.
I did the whole thing and itwas so good and it was really
funny and you're really funnylike I'm sure you played other
roles, I haven't seen otherfilms I'm excited to watch more,
but that one was really cuteand, um yeah, like so

(01:03:22):
entertaining.

I loved every minute of it and yeah, so
this and thank you so much.
When you showed up, I was likeI love her, like the fact that
you drove that far and showed itwas just like another world.

It was so fun.
Yeah, I had.
Yeah, that theater was reallycute too.
It was like all right, it'slike an old school and just like
in a little corner, nice andquaint and so there were a lot
of people.

It was packed and you did a lot of
different premieres for thatthere's a lot of her headcares
and that was you know from whenI started and produced, and it
was.
It's a big passion, project andlabor of love, but and, as you
know, in the creative process,anything you ever create like
it's way harder than you thinkit's going to be, usually, um,
when it comes, especially whenyou're making movies or making a

(01:04:01):
podcast.
So there's just like so manyhurdles that you have to
overcome and I think in, but Ido feel like we're all here to
create and we all have thisunique magic and the world needs
it.
And oftentimes we can really getin our own way.
I have gone in my own way somany times and I'm just these
are the tools I go to and I waslike I want to combine them all

(01:04:23):
into one so that people can goand basically just get this full
uh, everything that's in themthat may be stuck or suppressed
and get it out.
Get it out through all the ways, both somatic, writing, sound
and singing.
And all the tools are like, notfor what it looks like, but
everything about how it makesyou feel, how it helps you
process challenging emotion.

(01:04:44):
Because my life as acompetitive dancer and actress
and gymnast, all these toolswere taught to me in a way of
like it's about being perfect,it's about how it looks, and I
somehow discovered that I waslike wait, but this is so much
more than that.
Like this.
This is because I would benavigating all these feelings of
not feeling good enough ornever being the best, like I
wanted to be like all thesedifferent stuff, and I would

(01:05:06):
just go in a dark room and Iwould dance my face off and I
would like scream and cry andshout and dance and by the end
of it I felt so fucking powerfuland I was like wait, this is,
this is like magic, and I wantthe world to be able to feel
that and understand that.
And it doesn't matter if peopleare like, oh, but I'm not a
good dancer.
I'm like I don't give a shit,like, and actually you probably

(01:05:32):
never even got to a class, youdon't even know I didn't know
this yet, I just admitted it.
Come here, so yeah so that's oneof the things I think under
relationship education we'redoing.
He's doing a lot of like men'swork in his own kind of magic,
and I'm doing my own kind ofmagic.
I'm just bringing it ontogether.

Yeah, magic magic for sure.
Yeah, I just feel that that whatyou're describing of your
events, and even like what youguys are doing, is that full
embodiment of like, processingand becoming and processing and
becoming.
My friend, austin, often sayslike, yeah, that you, you know,
to get to where you are in thosemoments, it's like the person

(01:06:06):
that you have to become in orderto create that, in order to do
that is, is that work that we'vebeen just talking about a ton
you know today and then,wherever you're at now, it's
like, yeah, that whole becomingprocess is huge and that's
oftentimes why people just rightand like, yeah, mediocre, what
I like, you know, no, nojudgment, but not doing that for

(01:06:27):
myself, right, we can juststart like, stay stuck and
choose to stay stuck, and youhave those moments to get
unstuck and you're choosing tostay in that space.
It's like that becoming processgets you to a very full
embodiment, expression of that,and I love that you're
incorporating all of the senses,yourselves, each other, all the
things.
What are you guys most excitedabout right now that you're

(01:06:49):
creating?

personally professionally.

What are you?

Emilio Palafox (01:06:53):
I'll let you go first, well, to keep the theme
of relationship, renegades,cause I mean, we're you know,
we're in the team from wellnessand then relationships.
To stick with relationships, um, we just hired a YouTube team
to like normally we've just beenon like Instagram and Facebook
and and, and we really haven't.

(01:07:13):
We used to be on YouTube whenwe used to have our own radio
show and we did that for a longtime and we've kind of just like
for many years have just likestopped there and just didn't do
anything with it.
But we've always been excitedabout like creating like our own
saturday night live.
But for relationships, you knowwe love comedy.
You know we're always justbeing ridiculous together at the

(01:07:35):
house and playing, uh, withlike improv and comedy sketches
and just like having fun witheach other.
And we love comedy because itjust can break down walls and,
uh, you can see deep-seatedprinciples in there.
If something's funny, peopleshare, that it can create
virality.
So I think we're excited.
I'm excited about getting towork, starting actually next
week with that YouTube team andreally starting to develop a

(01:07:57):
schedule to where, on one aspect, we'll have, of course, comedy
sketches that you'll see justevery single week, but two we'll
also have like a live sort ofradio show, if you will, where
people can come to the liveevent.
We'll do the comedy sketchesthere, but also people can come
and be on the hot seat where wecan kind of, you know, coach
them like just live hot seatkind of situation.
And then, and then the thirdthing that'll be sort of in the

(01:08:22):
near future, but a little downthe line, sort of having our own
production in terms of of.
We'll have our own movies thatwe create from relationship
renegades.
But then also the youtube.
One of the youtube people, um,part of the team, really wants
us to create a show and they'regoing to help us with it, to
create our like you know howthey have like love on the
island, or I don't even knowwhat reality shows, but like but

(01:08:45):
, like more of like gettingcouples over there to sort of
live, like how to become likeyou know, they'll learn the
principles and the tools andeverything.
Yeah, and, like you know, thewinner that basically abides by
those follows, those, is able toum, embody those together
individually.
Right, they'll get like a bigprize.
Right, you win a milliondollars.
Wholesome reality.

(01:09:05):
Yeah, it's like a wholesomereality, not like some tron.
Not like some tron.

I'll leave you and then you see me in the
line of your life and I'm like.

I know you're like we'll just have a fun.

Yeah, my favorite show to watch on
YouTube is, and not that I'mexcited to watch what you guys
create is.

I try to go through those shows but I'm
excited for what?
You guys do, because bringingrelationships together and
having them connect and divedeep and heal and feel sounds
yeah.

People learn these tools by watching
other people do it.
It was almost like Survivor forrelationships, but you have to
activate the tools to be able toovercome these challenges
together and team up to overcome, like and see how people
navigate their triggers and howthey utilize these tools and how
it can be super helpful or ifor if they're not able to, and
what they do, then and just justI mean be super, super fun.

Today we're excited about that?
Yeah, so collectively, I wouldsay that's what I'm excited
about um going into the nextphase because, like the previous
phases were all traditionalmodel, which is like the
coaching, the speaking, theevents, retreats, online
programs and those are all greatbut you can only reach so much
people with that, and becauseour vision is to co-create a
world where healthyrelationships are the new norm.

(01:10:17):
That's like a huge vision.
It may not come across, it maynot even happen in my generation
, might be my son's generationor my son's or our son's
generation right or daughter'sgeneration, but it's like when
we think about like okay, whatreally can move the needle right
, like media is a hugeprogrammer.
Right, like the cia used mediato like program society.
Like there's, like media is sucha big thing, right, and so it's

(01:10:39):
like, well, how do we, justbecause we're also the tv and
film, how can we just go more tothe creative model and like,
not that we need to programpeople, but like people don't?
People don't haven't seen theirnervous system Hasn't seen a
healthy, happy, peaceful,playful relationship, and if
your nervous system hasn't beenin those experiences and witness

(01:10:59):
those things, then you thinkit's impossible.
You know, especially if you gothrough heartbreak and
heartbreak and heartbreak andsome trauma stuff, whatever,
you're replaying the same movieover and over in your life, then
you're like you think it'simpossible, like that's never
going to be me, I'm losing hope,like I can't open up my heart
again and it's like no, like youcan and it can be more
beautiful, and like you deservea higher love, a divine love, a

(01:11:24):
beautiful, conscious, high viberelationship, a divine love, a
beautiful, conscious, high viberelationship, and and and I
think like we just want to be abeacon for that and and we're
not the relationship renegades,by the way, like you're a
relationship renegade.
We want to highlight all therelationship renegades out there
that are doing the work so thatsociety and media and can can
see like they're just startingto see more of that right, and

(01:11:46):
it's's like we're saturated withthe media period, so like we're
getting you know immersed insomething and shifting that
narrative so people canexperience it and yeah, yeah

yeah because that was the biggest
thing for me.
I didn't, I, I didn't see itgrowing up I never saw.
You know, my, my parentsblessed them.
They, they, our parents didn'thave the tools that we have now,
like the, the resource, theaccess to this kind of like.
Everyone's always doing theirbest with what they have.
I just feel like, because ofthe internet and social media

(01:12:19):
and all these different umpeople who study and put out
this beautiful relationship work, it's just so much more
accessible.
Like it is out there, you canfind it it wasn't like that
before, and so now I just thinkit's such a beautiful time to be
able to, you know, but in thein the past, all kind of like
hollywood type relationshipswhere it was all about, like,

(01:12:40):
the breakups and the divorce.
And even when we first starteddating, a big question was it
was like, well, you're anactress, because he wasn't
really acting at the time we gottogether.
It's just a whole anotherbeautiful story of what healthy
partnership can do, can likebring out all these gifts that
maybe we had suppressed.
Um, but what if in all themagazines and the media, we were
seeing all these beautiful,healthy, supportive

(01:13:01):
relationships out there, likehow different would the world be
if, instead of seeing all theselike tabloids of people that
were like having all this dramaand what they did to each other
and how terrible and toxic it is, that just kind of becomes our
reality and we think that's whatthe norm is Like, how different
would it be?
Because it's out there?

And it's just so subliminal too, Like you're at
the moment, it's like the dad'salways like the dumb way to like
oh, I'm an idiot.

You know and this and that, and the wife's always
like the naggy wife, that's justas like bitchy and yeah, yeah,
I mean there's like variousexamples, right, that's like
maybe one of the manystereotypes that actually are
quite reality in a lot of waysyeah, yeah, and it's like but
and you can show the opposite,and there are some beautiful
shows now that I think are doinga great job of teaching
principles in a veryentertaining way.

I just think there's we're really
passionate about creatingedutainment of.
You can learn these principlesin a fun relatable way and
you'll absorb it better too.

Speaking of the brains like you're having fun
and it's yeah, taking it in andI love that vision you guys are
creating into what you said oflike you can only do so much in
this traditional way and thenyou have to.
I read this book recently, orlisten to it, because I love
audible.
Um 10 X is easier than two X,where it's like the mindset to
double things.

Yes.

Doesn't even hold a candle to the mindset.
You need to 10 X things.
And if you're like okay, thisis my mission and goal and it's
not just words and I want tobring legs to it, of being it
being the new norm.
Well, the new norm is quite themajority of you know a lot of
people's lives, and so you know,it made me think of of that, of
of just going to that nextlevel in your relationship and

(01:14:39):
your in your business and all ofthat.

What are you?

most excited about right now.

Would you tack on to that?
Yeah, definitely, I think, alsojust really excited about life.
I think I'm just really in astate of because I think I did
go through a really hard yearlast year and usually when you
come out of really challengingchapters, it's like you realize
how, man, I think that was thegreatest gift.

I'm really grateful for yeah just life.

I just think because every day, um, and
the space that I'm in now andall the younger versions of me
that work so hard and had to beso brave, and really, really
fucking proud of them.

And that feels really good.

So I think I'm just really excited about,
about the wholeness that I feelI worked really hard to get to
go team, go team, you guys umbefore we sign off.

Where can we find you?
What's your guys?

we'll link everything, but just say it
verbally, so those that are likewell, I guess I should.
I should also mention, like alittle plug up I am also very
excited about a film, a big filmthat I have coming out this
year called Legend of the WhiteDragon.
Legend of the White.

Dragon.

Legend of the White Dragon.
Legend of the White Dragon.
I play the main femalesuperhero character in, which
was a big dream come true for me, cause I always wanted to
embody those like bad-ass femaleaction hero characters.
Yeah, such a special story.
The message the message of thefilm is that even superheroes
need help too, which I think isa very resonant, resonant

(01:16:12):
message that we all need.
Um, and my dear friend whoplayed the main guy in it that I
play opposite, jason davidfrank, sadly is no longer with
us.
He ended up taking his liferight after we finished the film
.
It was really hard, it was veryshocking.
A lot of people, myselfincluded, were devastated and,

(01:16:33):
um, I I feel him often and I'mvery close with his daughter and
his wife, who are also hisdaughter's in the movie.
Um, and there's been, it hasbeen such a journey of healing,
but it's, I think it will bevery, very, very impactful.

(01:16:53):
I know a lot of people are veryexcited about the film.
It's been like four years inmaking.
So, yeah, I'm just really so.
It'll be coming out, mostlikely this summer, fall-ish,
but very excited about that andthe huge mental health
initiative that is associatedwith the film because of what
happened and the very real storythat I hope will, because you

(01:17:16):
know, on set we jason and Italked about that all the time
just wanting to use this film asa way to share our stories and
inspire people and help as manypeople as possible, and I feel
like obviously it will look verydifferent than I thought it
would, um, but I do think it hasthe potential to have a lot of

(01:17:38):
people who are really strugglingand hopefully that they feel
really seen in it, um, andhopefully the and so we work at
the events in the common causethat we do just want to just
love on people.
We need a lot more love, likereal, divine, unconditional love
, uh, and where people feel safe, seen, heard and loved, and I

(01:18:00):
just want to do that as much asI possibly can.
Um so excited about that andyou can find that.
Um, our social media togetheris at relationship and then mine
is at our.
Brooke Smith on Instagram.

And mine's at.
Emilio underscore Palafoxunderscore but if you go to
relationship.
Both of our individual profilesare there and then all the
links is basically on there ofall the different things that
we're up to, especially sinceyou brought up movies, yeah.
We're going to be in a Christmasmovie this Christmas.
Yeah, you know, we got to likehow crazy surreal is it that,

(01:18:38):
like you know, we're likeplaying leads in this rom-com
Christmas movie and I get tofall in love with my love all
over again on the big screen andjust like Play on the big
screen, you know, and so that'llbe really cool.

Yeah, I'm gonna do another episode when
that's more coming out, becausethat's a whole other journey of
like what it's like to worktogether and now we can yeah, we
should process it we should forsure something seasonal,
something for the holidays.

Relationship stuff .
And yeah, I'm excited to seethat movie.
I remember when you were makingit.
I'm excited to check out moreof what you guys create.
It's a pleasure to know you.
I mean to watch you and then toknow you in the way that I have
gotten to.
So thank you guys for beinghere today and for your time and
heart thanks for having us moreplay together oh my god, thank

(01:19:29):
you so much peaceeverybody thanks yeah thank you
every time that I have donethree podcasts at home with
people that can come here youknow, and at the end, I always
love the hug afterwards.
Courtney did an episode ondomestic violence, elisa talked

(01:19:49):
about her leaving the church andself-expression, and so this
table is magic.

Yes, the table, the table.
It's such a great.

Thank you so much for listening to this episode of
Self Love and Sweat, thePodcast.
If you enjoyed this episode orwere inspired by it or something
resonated with you, do me afavor and share this episode
with a friend, someone that youthink might enjoy this episode
as well.
That's the ultimate complimentand the best way to make this

(01:20:29):
podcast ripple out into theworld of others, and also you
can leave us a review up to fivestars wherever you're listening
to the podcast.
Thank you so much for listeningand we'll see you at the next
episode.
I appreciate you.

All Episodes

Episode Transcript

Popular Podcasts

Stuff You Should Know

Dateline NBC

On Purpose with Jay Shetty

.css-15opob5{left:0;position:absolute;top:0.8rem;} All Episodes

.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Healthy Romantic Relationships with Rachel & Emilio of RelationshipRenegades

Episode Transcript

Popular Podcasts

.css-r6mb8g{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:1;overflow:hidden;}Stuff You Should Know

Dateline NBC

On Purpose with Jay Shetty

All Episodes

Healthy Romantic Relationships with Rachel & Emilio of RelationshipRenegades

Stuff You Should Know