March 21, 2025 • 26 mins
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Speaking your truth isn’t always easy—but it’s necessary. In this episode, I share my personal journey of finding my voice and how I went from being a constant talker to a more conscious & connected communicator.
We dive into the fears that hold us back from authentic self-expression, the power of speaking with confidence, and how to shift from reactive to intentional communication. If you’ve ever struggled to be heard, set boundaries, or express yourself fully, this episode will help you reclaim your voice and use it with clarity, confidence, and purpose.
Books mentioned in today's episode:
- Nonviolent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg
- It didn't start with You by Mark Wolynn
Episodes mentioned:
Ep #88 Nonviolent Communication with Aubrie Pohl
Timestamps to help you navigate this episode
0:00 Intro
0:24 FREE Self Love & Sweat MONTHLY Calendar
6:21 From Talker to True Communicator
11:02 Recognizing Unhealthy Communication Patterns
18:41 3 Key Strategies for Strong Communication
24:05 Upcoming Communication Masterclass
FREE Self Love & Sweat Monthly Life Coaching Calendar: http://lifelikelunden.com/calendar
2 FREE HIGH INTENSITY RESISTANCE TRAINING WORKOUTS: https://lifelikelunden.activehosted.com/f/169
One-On-One Life Coaching & NLP with Lunden:
http://lifelikelunden.com/vip
Connect with Lunden:
IG: @lifelikelunden
YouTube: https://youtube.com/lundensouza
LinkedIN: https://www.linkedin.com/in/lundensouza/
Twitter: @lifelikelunden
Use code LUNDEN25 for a discount on Snap Supplements: https://bit.ly/snapsweat
Podcast Sound Design Intro & Outro: https://hitspotaudio.com/
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Lunden Souza (00:00):
Welcome to Self Love and Sweat the podcast, the
place where you'll get inspiredto live your life
unapologetically, embrace yourperfect imperfections and do
what sets your soul on fire.
I'm your host, Lunden Souza.
Hey, before we jump into thisepisode, I just want to make
(00:27):
sure that you get all the freethings possible, if you haven't
already.
You need to get your self-loveand sweat free monthly life
coaching calendar.
Honestly, the way to experiencedeep change in your life is by
doing small little things overtime, and so that's what you'll
(00:48):
find in this free calendar.
You can get it by going tolifelikelunden calendar.
Get yours for free and let'sget into today's episode.
Welcome back to the podcast.
Happy .
I was just thinking about thelast episodes we've had recently
(01:09):
and there's been so manyamazing conversations and
amazing guests I've had recentlyand I just feel so filled and
nourished and impacted by allthose conversations.
When I first started thepodcast, it was mainly episodes
of just me talking, which, ofcourse, this is what this
(01:31):
episode is today, and I stillenjoy doing those, but it's just
been such a gift to have somany incredible guests and, yeah
, people share their stories,share their pain, share their
struggles, share things thathave helped them share messages
that they once felt ashamed of.
And, yeah, I was justreflecting a little bit on that.
(01:51):
When I pressed record here, Iwas like this is kind of, yeah,
the first time in a while thatI've sat down to record
something by myself and it'sbeen, yeah, so great to have so
many amazing guests.
So I also, yeah, love hearingfrom you guys.
So if there's any guests we'vehad recently that you've loved
or topics that we've coveredthat, yeah, really spoke to your
(02:13):
heart, I always want to hearfrom you.
So you can always send me amessage on Instagram,
@lifelikelunden, or you could.
If you're part of my email listand you get my emails, you can
always hit reply to any of thoseemails and just let me know how
you're doing, what you thinkabout what we've been sharing on
the podcast.
I always love to keep thatconversation, keep that dialogue
(02:33):
, but today I want to talk aboutcommunication and talk about
really, yeah, owning yourauthentic voice and how to speak
your truth with confidence.
And, specifically, I wanted todive in today about three really
important key strategies thathelp us develop strong
(02:56):
communication and when I choseto make that shift from working
out to working in and coachingmore on what's happening within
and the stories we're tellingourselves and the way that we
are loving and nurturingourselves.
I just really found profoundchange in my life and profound
(03:20):
change in my personal healingjourney through communication,
through understanding myinternal dialogue, my self-talk
where it came from?
What that self-talk?
In which ways might it beholding me back?
Communication when it comes tomy friends and my family and
(03:42):
relationships all of that, allof the work-ins really promoted
more powerful conversations withmyself, with others, with my
team, with friends just acrossthe board.
How we express our authentictruth is just so captivating to
(04:02):
me.
Truth is just so captivating tome, and so I just think that,
yeah, speaking your authentictruth and speaking your voice
and unleashing that is verypowerful, but it's also really
challenging.
I know, because I've been thereand I've worked with a lot of
people all over the world onthis as well.
It's not always easy to just.
(04:24):
You don't just one day decideyou want to speak your authentic
truth and then do it right.
There's so many layers and somany components, and my friend
Deanna uses the word rich a lotwhen she describes things, so
I'm going to say there's a lotof rich elements to
communication that we just keep.
We get to keep uncovering andkeep peeling back those layers.
(04:47):
So definitely challenging,definitely not easy, definitely
not overnight, but definitely agame changer because as you keep
growing and evolving andchanging and up-leveling and
healing right, the way youexpress, the way that you talk
to yourself and you express thattruth to others, changes and
(05:07):
evolves.
And I just think, yeah, thepower of conscious, confident
communication is is, yeah, whatI love.
And growing up, I was alwayscalled the talker, right, and I
was the kid in class who wasfinishing all of my work and
(05:27):
then wanting to talk to everykid in the class and share my
opinion and talk nonstop.
I remember, yeah, my teachersin elementary school would
literally put my desk outsidebecause I would talk so much, or
in the hallway or in that pod,which was like that main room
that connected all the otherclassrooms, right, it was like
Lunden done with her work, shedoesn't, yeah, she won't stop
(05:51):
talking.
So we got to figure it out, Iguess.
And I remember a teachertelling me that I was going to
talk at my own funeral.
And as a kid too, I rememberbeing told that I talk really
fast.
And I definitely did and dosometimes.
I think living in Austria,living abroad, talking to a lot
(06:11):
of non-native English speakers,helped me slow down a little bit
in my speech.
But I remember my grandma wouldtell me back in the day when we
had voicemails, you would callsomeone on their house phone and
leave a voicemail and mygrandma would tell me I have to
go back and listen to yourvoicemail multiple times because
I don't know what you're sayingand you're talking so fast and
(06:31):
I just couldn't understand you.
And so all my life I was this,yeah, labeled as this kid who
never stopped talking.
And then I got the opportunityto work for a company that was
called Runtastic in 2012.
(06:52):
I got an opportunity to workwith them and build their
YouTube channel and be the faceof that brand and the face of
that startup.
And I got to speak on stage andspeak on camera and speak to
others and coach on things andtalk a lot and got really good
at that.
And then I realized, throughkind of those repeat reminders
(07:12):
of the same circumstance overand over and over again right,
this is how the universe lets usknow.
There's something that we getto choose to change if we want
to, because we'll see thoserepeat patterns, we'll see those
same scenarios.
And so I found myself notconnecting through conversation
with people that I loved, likefamily and people I dated and
(07:33):
friends.
I found myself in those momentswhere you really have to look
in the mirror a little bit.
I was like, yeah, I'm kind oftelling everybody what I think
they should do and givingunsolicited advice and being
loud and angry and expressiveand dominating conversation and
giving advice where it's notasked and getting angry at guys
(07:54):
I'm dating and getting mad andthrowing things and being like
just not connecting, just reallytrying to convince.
And so all the while I wasdoing these workouts right,
doing fitness, working out onstage, traveling the world over
13 different countries, talkingon stage, hosting events,
(08:14):
talking to people about fitnessand health and all of that and
yeah, that was great.
But I really realized that thereal flex was not just what I
could say on stage and how Icould articulate a great speech
or a great talk or whatever, butwas really being able to take
those deeply connectingcommunication skills on stage
(08:37):
and take them off stage to myfamily, to my friends, to the
people that I love.
And yeah, it's been a beautifuljourney ever since I had to let
go of some things.
I walked away from fitness.
I walked away from all myonline fitness coaching yeah,
all the different coachingprograms and different things I
was doing.
I just really wanted to stepaway from just being a talker
(09:01):
and really tap into truecommunication and dive deep into
the shadows of myself and helpothers do that too, and all the
family dynamics and just all ofit.
It just all made sense, right?
And what's beautiful is thatI've had clients that I've
worked with.
Some started working with meafter I started NLP coaching and
communication coaching and lifecoaching and all of that, but
(09:23):
some have been with me for along time.
Some have been with me eversince I was like 19 years old,
started personal training andfitness coaching, and now this
natural evolution of the waythat I bring my coaching and
voice to the world makes senseto a lot of people that have
worked with me in the past, andI'm super grateful for that,
because, yes, we need thatelement of fitness and physical
wellbeing and taking care of ourbodies and sweating and all of
(09:46):
that, but then we also need thework-in parts, and I believe
that, yes, you need both and,but one is just not going to
work without the other.
And now my main focus is onthose work-ins.
But yeah, really, like I said,it's not easy.
It can be a little bit of achallenge to really reclaim your
(10:08):
voice and really choose to lookin the mirror and say, hey,
what am I saying?
Am I connecting?
Where are these repeat patternsthat I'm noticing and why am I
(10:29):
being so overbearing inconversations?
Where is this anger and this?
Let me give you advice and allthe things.
Where's that coming from?
And I love coaching onancestral speech patterns
because it's such an eye openerwhen you start to find
compassion and love for wherethese certain communication
patterns might have originatedfrom.
And a side note, a book I'mreading right now is so good.
It's called it Didn't StartWith you.
(10:50):
I'm pretty sure that's whatit's called.
I'm going to check my Audiblereally quick, but what's been
really empowering is yes, thereare some things we have to clean
up in our own space, right, Ofcourse, but then there are also
things.
It's called it Didn't StartWith you, by Mark Wallen.
There are also things thatmaybe didn't start with you,
like maybe there's thingsancestrally that have been
(11:12):
passed on patterns, ways that webehave, think, believe, feel,
interact, all of that.
And so that's been empoweringtoo to understand, because I'm
very hard on myself.
That's something I work onregularly.
I'm very much like what's theroot cause of this?
And if there's a problem, howcan I understand the root cause
of it and how can I heal that.
(11:33):
And just like I very much gohard in the paint with the work
ends and I'm working on easingmyself through that a bit more
because it's going to be alifelong process, but hey, we're
all human, right, but justreally, yeah, taking the time to
think, hey, a little self-loveand compassion.
It might not have anything todo with me, it's just something
(11:56):
passed on that I get to chooseto metabolize and digest for
myself and for those movingforward.
So that's been a really goodbook.
I love that book, highlyrecommend it.
I'm not done with it yet.
I think I have like anothercouple hours of the audio book
left, but it's really good,really good.
One of the things I wrote downsome different bullet points I
(12:18):
wanna share three key strategiesto develop strong communication
skills.
But I was taking some notes andjust wrote down some things
that I thought were just reallyhelpful in that reclamation
process of my voice.
So one of the things I wrotedown was I feel like I really
used to talk to just take upspace without thinking about
(12:39):
impact, and so maybe that'ssomething you can resonate with
is like are you comfortable inthat silence?
Are you comfortable with alittle bit of a pause and not
needing to say anything to fillthe space or fill the silence or
fill the nothingness?
Right, the nothingness is soincredible and so amazing, and
(13:05):
so I just really started to seemoments that I could just take a
step back and listen more andnot need to fill that space.
The fear of speaking upauthentically and worrying about
judgment that was interesting.
I don't know if you guyslistening have worked through
some healing things where youhave this aha moment or this
piece of the puzzle that pops upand you're like, oh, that's
weird, I would have neverthought that that was something
I was subconsciously worryingabout, but turns out I was Right
(13:28):
.
That fear of speaking upauthentically and worrying about
judgment Right, you would havethought, and I would have
thought too, if I didn't havethis opportunity to get a better
viewpoint of it, like from theoutside, it would have looked
like, oh, Lunden doesn't give ashit about what anybody thinks
and she's just sharing heropinion and her voice and she
speaks up and all of that.
(13:49):
But I really got to come faceto face with the part of me that
was worried about what peoplewere thinking about me and maybe
was trying to do the most anddo all the things in order to
drown out that voice a littlebit.
So that was very interesting toconnect with.
And then also, people pleasingis huge and avoiding conflict
(14:11):
and just trying to please othersthat can keep us really, really
stuck, and this is notsomething that I really resonate
with a ton the being the peoplepleaser.
But I've worked with enoughpeople to know that this is a
huge part of what keeps themstuck from sharing their voice.
(14:31):
And so maybe people pleasingand avoiding that conflict and
feeling like when you expressand speak up, that's a problem,
something to really dive deepinto as well.
And then some big lessons I'velearned that I want to share.
And then we'll talk about thethree key strategies.
(14:51):
I think all of what I'm sharingnow really will bring, yeah,
the meat and potatoes of thosethree key strategies to life.
And so in that shift of goingfrom talker to communicator.
There were some lessons and someaha moments, and one of them
was learning to pause and listenand speak with intention.
(15:13):
I did a Instagram reel aboutthis the other day of you know,
you want to get better atcommunicating, try not talking,
just don't say anything andreally, the power of meditation
in that right, our ability to bein the present moment, listen,
pause, take it in.
Meditation is so helpful forthat, because it keeps us in the
(15:35):
present moment, not in thefamiliar past and not in this
predictable future based on ourpast experiences.
Right, it's not about listeningso you can think about what
you're going to say next in thefuture.
Or it's not about listening andthen you know thinking about
all the past stories ofcommunication and ways that
things didn't work out and whythis is going to not work out in
(15:58):
terms of conversation.
Right, there's so manyimportant parts to communication
and one of them is reallylistening.
And so if you're not meditatingand you think meditation is
just to like calm your mind andreduce stress, it's to teach you
how to come back to the presentmoment, which is huge when it
comes to communication andconversation.
(16:20):
And then a couple other reallybig yeah, big pillars in what I
coach and teach and what'schanged my life are
neuro-linguistic programming,nlp, the modality of coaching
that I use, and also nonviolentcommunication and I think what's
most important about those twobecause those could totally be
(16:44):
episodes on themselves.
In fact, aubrey and I did anepisode just on nonviolent
communication.
I'll link that in the shownotes.
But those two can be twopowerful episodes on their own.
But NLP just really helps withus understanding the program,
understanding that there is aprogram that is running right.
(17:06):
Based on everything in yourchildhood, all the things passed
on to you, the way that you'reshowing up, communicating, the
way that conversations are goingor not going all of that is a
program that we have anopportunity to change that
program with NLP,neuro-linguistic programming,
the brain, neuro-linguistic, thewords that we're saying to
(17:27):
ourselves and to others, andprogramming right Change your
words, change your world.
That is NLP and a hugecomponent of the way that I
coach and the way that I live.
And nonviolent communication aswell Another really really good
book, nonviolent Communication,that you'll just love to dive
(17:48):
into.
Those four components ofnonviolent communication have
shifted my ability to be presentand when we are present and
we're deciding okay, how do Iwant to hear and then how do I
want to speak.
It's nice to have these filtersthat we can go through, and
nonviolent communication reallyprovides that.
And then the other thing Iwrote down was you know, I often
(18:11):
will say it's about connectionover convincing.
It's about clarity overexplaining.
Less is more right.
It's about that deep connectionfrom the words, not what we're
saying, not about getting ourpoint across.
It's about having the clarityin who we want to be and what we
want to bring to each and everyconversation, because we're
(18:33):
present in the moment to do thatright.
So yeah, with that being said,let's tap into those three
strategies, three key strategiesto develop strong communication
skills.
The first one is know your corevalues In order to speak from a
space of what truly matters toyou.
(18:54):
You need to know what trulymatters to you and you need to
know who you want to be, how youknow when you're being it, how
you know when you're not beingit and when it's time to set a
boundary.
You need to know who you wantto be right.
Things happen to us, thingscome into our sphere, right, and
we have to choose and decidehow we're going to happen back
(19:17):
how we're going to respond overreact.
Well, it's easy to react whenyou don't know your values and
you're not sure about who youwant to be.
It's much easier to respondwhen you have that framework
that you created that says thisis who I want to be, these are
my core values, this is how I'mgoing to show up, right?
So speak from that place ofvalue.
Speak from that place of whattruly matters to you.
(19:39):
That's the first one.
Number two is practiceassertiveness, not aggressive
communication, and understandingthe nuances between being
assertive and advocating foryourself and being aggressive
and trying to get your way andspeaking from a place of trauma
and reaction.
Right, and finding that balance.
(20:00):
Recently I was chatting with ateam member and we were talking
about what we might say in aparticular situation and I had a
way of saying it and sheresponded of like oh well,
that's assertive.
And I remember thinking likeokay, well then you know what's
something more from your voicethat you might say things
differently.
(20:20):
Or you know, tweak what I saidinto something that's more your
voice.
But then I was thinking too oflike what's wrong with assertive
, right?
What's that?
What's the story that you tellyourself about assertiveness,
right, can we be assertive andalso kind, right, like, just
thought about that a little bit,right.
Can we be assertive and alsokind, right, like, just thought
about that a little bit?
Right?
An assertive is going to lookdifferent on everyone, right?
(20:44):
I love working with people andhearing their voice and the way
they communicate and some of thedifferent nuances of that,
because assertive can, yeah,look different.
The tonality of assertiveness,the verbiage, the word choice of
assertiveness gets to lookdifferent depending on everybody
, right, because your voice maybe the way you use it and your
(21:06):
voice is an instrument, and sosometimes assertive sounds
different.
And assertive can soundconfident and sexy and
knowledgeable and wise.
It doesn't have to be demandingand overbearing, and we all
have these stories of what wethink that might mean.
So number two is reallypracticing that assertiveness,
that speaking your truth,advocating but then not being
(21:27):
aggressive, still being open toother people's points of view
Huge.
And then the last point of thethree key strategies so we have
know your core values practiceassertiveness and not aggression
.
(21:47):
And then the third one is usethe power of silence and
presence.
Like I said before, listeningis just as important as speaking
, and being present in theconversation helps people feel
heard.
Right.
If you were in a situationwhere you were having a
conversation with somebody andopening up your heart and
sharing and you just felt likethey were just hearing you but
(22:10):
not listening and just sayingwhatever afterwards, it's nice
to know that someone's there inthe present moment with you.
They're not on their phone,they're not thinking about
something else, their bodylanguage is positioned in a way
that's like hey, I'm listening,I'm present with you and, yeah,
(22:31):
listening is super powerful andI think a lot of even yeah, a
lot of the courses I've taughtand a lot of what I coach on
communication-wise has to dowith what words you are saying
and what words you might besaying on stage or giving a
presentation to your team, orwhat words you might be saying
when approaching somebody youwant to have a tough
conversation with, and the notwords are huge too.
(22:54):
And what you're not saying andthe way that you are listening
and taking that in is sopowerful to think about.
But yeah, those are the threestrategies Know your core values
assertiveness over aggressionand using that power of silence
and presence.
Highly recommend meditationwhen it comes to that.
But yeah, I hope you took somevalue from this episode?
(23:17):
Right, maybe you're prompted toask yourself or kind of
investigate a little bit, likewhere am I stuck?
Where am I holding back alittle bit?
What are those repeat patternsof things that I'm starting to
notice around communication thatI want to get to the root cause
of and I want to change and Iwant to just evolve past?
(23:38):
I'm trying to think of if therewas anything else I wanted to
share, but that was pretty muchit.
I just wanted to share a bitmore of where I come from in
that space and what's helped mea lot and help you have some key
strategies and points that willhelp you in this journey that
(23:59):
we call life, because we'rearound other people, we're
talking to ourselves, we'retalking to others.
And then on April 12th there isa free two-hour masterclass on
Zoom that I'm hosting withAubrey Pohl.
She's a close friend of mine,we coach together a lot and
she's a master NLP practitioner.
(24:20):
She coaches, yeah, and teachesfor so many next level
communicators and she's anamazing speaker and communicator
.
And we're hosting a Communicatewith Confidence master class on
April 12th, from 11 to onemountain standard time, on zoom.
It's absolutely free.
We're going to be covering thefive pillars to help you unleash
(24:43):
your voice, and, yeah, it'll bereally awesome.
So I'll link that in the in theshow notes as well.
We would love to see you thereon zoom and I don't know if you
can hear that noise, but there'sa little jingle that's playing
because my sheets are in thedryer and they're done drying,
which coincides perfectly withthe end of this episode.
So I'm just going to finishtidying things up around my
(25:04):
house and doing my laundry andchanging my sheets.
I hope you guys enjoyed thisepisode.
Give me your reflections, joinour Communicate with Confidence
Masterclass and we'll see you atthe next one Later.
Thank you so much for listeningto this episode of Self Love
(25:26):
and Sweat, the Podcast.
If you enjoyed this episode orwere inspired by it or something
resonated with you, do me afavor and share this episode
with a friend, someone that youthink might enjoy this episode
as well.
That's the ultimate complimentand the best way to make this
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(25:48):
And also you can leave us areview up to five stars wherever
you're listening to the podcast.
Thank you so much for listeningand we'll see you at the next
episode.
I appreciate you.
Welcome to Self Love and Sweat the podcast, the
place where you'll get inspiredto live your life
unapologetically, embrace yourperfect imperfections and do
what sets your soul on fire.
I'm your host, Lunden Souza.
Hey, before we jump into thisepisode, I just want to make
(00:27):
sure that you get all the freethings possible, if you haven't
already.
You need to get your self-loveand sweat free monthly life
coaching calendar.
Honestly, the way to experiencedeep change in your life is by
doing small little things overtime, and so that's what you'll
(00:48):
find in this free calendar.
You can get it by going tolifelikelunden calendar.
Get yours for free and let'sget into today's episode.
Welcome back to the podcast.
Happy .
I was just thinking about thelast episodes we've had recently
(01:09):
and there's been so manyamazing conversations and
amazing guests I've had recentlyand I just feel so filled and
nourished and impacted by allthose conversations.
When I first started thepodcast, it was mainly episodes
of just me talking, which, ofcourse, this is what this
(01:31):
episode is today, and I stillenjoy doing those, but it's just
been such a gift to have somany incredible guests and, yeah
, people share their stories,share their pain, share their
struggles, share things thathave helped them share messages
that they once felt ashamed of.
And, yeah, I was justreflecting a little bit on that.
(01:51):
When I pressed record here, Iwas like this is kind of, yeah,
the first time in a while thatI've sat down to record
something by myself and it'sbeen, yeah, so great to have so
many amazing guests.
So I also, yeah, love hearingfrom you guys.
So if there's any guests we'vehad recently that you've loved
or topics that we've coveredthat, yeah, really spoke to your
(02:13):
heart, I always want to hearfrom you.
So you can always send me amessage on Instagram,
@lifelikelunden, or you could.
If you're part of my email listand you get my emails, you can
always hit reply to any of thoseemails and just let me know how
you're doing, what you thinkabout what we've been sharing on
the podcast.
I always love to keep thatconversation, keep that dialogue
(02:33):
, but today I want to talk aboutcommunication and talk about
really, yeah, owning yourauthentic voice and how to speak
your truth with confidence.
And, specifically, I wanted todive in today about three really
important key strategies thathelp us develop strong
(02:56):
communication and when I choseto make that shift from working
out to working in and coachingmore on what's happening within
and the stories we're tellingourselves and the way that we
are loving and nurturingourselves.
I just really found profoundchange in my life and profound
(03:20):
change in my personal healingjourney through communication,
through understanding myinternal dialogue, my self-talk
where it came from?
What that self-talk?
In which ways might it beholding me back?
Communication when it comes tomy friends and my family and
(03:42):
relationships all of that, allof the work-ins really promoted
more powerful conversations withmyself, with others, with my
team, with friends just acrossthe board.
How we express our authentictruth is just so captivating to
(04:02):
me.
Truth is just so captivating tome, and so I just think that,
yeah, speaking your authentictruth and speaking your voice
and unleashing that is verypowerful, but it's also really
challenging.
I know, because I've been thereand I've worked with a lot of
people all over the world onthis as well.
It's not always easy to just.
(04:24):
You don't just one day decideyou want to speak your authentic
truth and then do it right.
There's so many layers and somany components, and my friend
Deanna uses the word rich a lotwhen she describes things, so
I'm going to say there's a lotof rich elements to
communication that we just keep.
We get to keep uncovering andkeep peeling back those layers.
(04:47):
So definitely challenging,definitely not easy, definitely
not overnight, but definitely agame changer because as you keep
growing and evolving andchanging and up-leveling and
healing right, the way youexpress, the way that you talk
to yourself and you express thattruth to others, changes and
(05:07):
evolves.
And I just think, yeah, thepower of conscious, confident
communication is is, yeah, whatI love.
And growing up, I was alwayscalled the talker, right, and I
was the kid in class who wasfinishing all of my work and
(05:27):
then wanting to talk to everykid in the class and share my
opinion and talk nonstop.
I remember, yeah, my teachersin elementary school would
literally put my desk outsidebecause I would talk so much, or
in the hallway or in that pod,which was like that main room
that connected all the otherclassrooms, right, it was like
Lunden done with her work, shedoesn't, yeah, she won't stop
(05:51):
talking.
So we got to figure it out, Iguess.
And I remember a teachertelling me that I was going to
talk at my own funeral.
And as a kid too, I rememberbeing told that I talk really
fast.
And I definitely did and dosometimes.
I think living in Austria,living abroad, talking to a lot
(06:11):
of non-native English speakers,helped me slow down a little bit
in my speech.
But I remember my grandma wouldtell me back in the day when we
had voicemails, you would callsomeone on their house phone and
leave a voicemail and mygrandma would tell me I have to
go back and listen to yourvoicemail multiple times because
I don't know what you're sayingand you're talking so fast and
(06:31):
I just couldn't understand you.
And so all my life I was this,yeah, labeled as this kid who
never stopped talking.
And then I got the opportunityto work for a company that was
called Runtastic in 2012.
(06:52):
I got an opportunity to workwith them and build their
YouTube channel and be the faceof that brand and the face of
that startup.
And I got to speak on stage andspeak on camera and speak to
others and coach on things andtalk a lot and got really good
at that.
And then I realized, throughkind of those repeat reminders
(07:12):
of the same circumstance overand over and over again right,
this is how the universe lets usknow.
There's something that we getto choose to change if we want
to, because we'll see thoserepeat patterns, we'll see those
same scenarios.
And so I found myself notconnecting through conversation
with people that I loved, likefamily and people I dated and
(07:33):
friends.
I found myself in those momentswhere you really have to look
in the mirror a little bit.
I was like, yeah, I'm kind oftelling everybody what I think
they should do and givingunsolicited advice and being
loud and angry and expressiveand dominating conversation and
giving advice where it's notasked and getting angry at guys
(07:54):
I'm dating and getting mad andthrowing things and being like
just not connecting, just reallytrying to convince.
And so all the while I wasdoing these workouts right,
doing fitness, working out onstage, traveling the world over
13 different countries, talkingon stage, hosting events,
(08:14):
talking to people about fitnessand health and all of that and
yeah, that was great.
But I really realized that thereal flex was not just what I
could say on stage and how Icould articulate a great speech
or a great talk or whatever, butwas really being able to take
those deeply connectingcommunication skills on stage
(08:37):
and take them off stage to myfamily, to my friends, to the
people that I love.
And yeah, it's been a beautifuljourney ever since I had to let
go of some things.
I walked away from fitness.
I walked away from all myonline fitness coaching yeah,
all the different coachingprograms and different things I
was doing.
I just really wanted to stepaway from just being a talker
(09:01):
and really tap into truecommunication and dive deep into
the shadows of myself and helpothers do that too, and all the
family dynamics and just all ofit.
It just all made sense, right?
And what's beautiful is thatI've had clients that I've
worked with.
Some started working with meafter I started NLP coaching and
communication coaching and lifecoaching and all of that, but
(09:23):
some have been with me for along time.
Some have been with me eversince I was like 19 years old,
started personal training andfitness coaching, and now this
natural evolution of the waythat I bring my coaching and
voice to the world makes senseto a lot of people that have
worked with me in the past, andI'm super grateful for that,
because, yes, we need thatelement of fitness and physical
wellbeing and taking care of ourbodies and sweating and all of
(09:46):
that, but then we also need thework-in parts, and I believe
that, yes, you need both and,but one is just not going to
work without the other.
And now my main focus is onthose work-ins.
But yeah, really, like I said,it's not easy.
It can be a little bit of achallenge to really reclaim your
(10:08):
voice and really choose to lookin the mirror and say, hey,
what am I saying?
Am I connecting?
Where are these repeat patternsthat I'm noticing and why am I
(10:29):
being so overbearing inconversations?
Where is this anger and this?
Let me give you advice and allthe things.
Where's that coming from?
And I love coaching onancestral speech patterns
because it's such an eye openerwhen you start to find
compassion and love for wherethese certain communication
patterns might have originatedfrom.
And a side note, a book I'mreading right now is so good.
It's called it Didn't StartWith you.
(10:50):
I'm pretty sure that's whatit's called.
I'm going to check my Audiblereally quick, but what's been
really empowering is yes, thereare some things we have to clean
up in our own space, right, Ofcourse, but then there are also
things.
It's called it Didn't StartWith you, by Mark Wallen.
There are also things thatmaybe didn't start with you,
like maybe there's thingsancestrally that have been
(11:12):
passed on patterns, ways that webehave, think, believe, feel,
interact, all of that.
And so that's been empoweringtoo to understand, because I'm
very hard on myself.
That's something I work onregularly.
I'm very much like what's theroot cause of this?
And if there's a problem, howcan I understand the root cause
of it and how can I heal that.
(11:33):
And just like I very much gohard in the paint with the work
ends and I'm working on easingmyself through that a bit more
because it's going to be alifelong process, but hey, we're
all human, right, but justreally, yeah, taking the time to
think, hey, a little self-loveand compassion.
It might not have anything todo with me, it's just something
(11:56):
passed on that I get to chooseto metabolize and digest for
myself and for those movingforward.
So that's been a really goodbook.
I love that book, highlyrecommend it.
I'm not done with it yet.
I think I have like anothercouple hours of the audio book
left, but it's really good,really good.
One of the things I wrote downsome different bullet points I
(12:18):
wanna share three key strategiesto develop strong communication
skills.
But I was taking some notes andjust wrote down some things
that I thought were just reallyhelpful in that reclamation
process of my voice.
So one of the things I wrotedown was I feel like I really
used to talk to just take upspace without thinking about
(12:39):
impact, and so maybe that'ssomething you can resonate with
is like are you comfortable inthat silence?
Are you comfortable with alittle bit of a pause and not
needing to say anything to fillthe space or fill the silence or
fill the nothingness?
Right, the nothingness is soincredible and so amazing, and
(13:05):
so I just really started to seemoments that I could just take a
step back and listen more andnot need to fill that space.
The fear of speaking upauthentically and worrying about
judgment that was interesting.
I don't know if you guyslistening have worked through
some healing things where youhave this aha moment or this
piece of the puzzle that pops upand you're like, oh, that's
weird, I would have neverthought that that was something
I was subconsciously worryingabout, but turns out I was Right
(13:28):
.
That fear of speaking upauthentically and worrying about
judgment Right, you would havethought, and I would have
thought too, if I didn't havethis opportunity to get a better
viewpoint of it, like from theoutside, it would have looked
like, oh, Lunden doesn't give ashit about what anybody thinks
and she's just sharing heropinion and her voice and she
speaks up and all of that.
(13:49):
But I really got to come faceto face with the part of me that
was worried about what peoplewere thinking about me and maybe
was trying to do the most anddo all the things in order to
drown out that voice a littlebit.
So that was very interesting toconnect with.
And then also, people pleasingis huge and avoiding conflict
(14:11):
and just trying to please othersthat can keep us really, really
stuck, and this is notsomething that I really resonate
with a ton the being the peoplepleaser.
But I've worked with enoughpeople to know that this is a
huge part of what keeps themstuck from sharing their voice.
(14:31):
And so maybe people pleasingand avoiding that conflict and
feeling like when you expressand speak up, that's a problem,
something to really dive deepinto as well.
And then some big lessons I'velearned that I want to share.
And then we'll talk about thethree key strategies.
(14:51):
I think all of what I'm sharingnow really will bring, yeah,
the meat and potatoes of thosethree key strategies to life.
And so in that shift of goingfrom talker to communicator.
There were some lessons and someaha moments, and one of them
was learning to pause and listenand speak with intention.
(15:13):
I did a Instagram reel aboutthis the other day of you know,
you want to get better atcommunicating, try not talking,
just don't say anything andreally, the power of meditation
in that right, our ability to bein the present moment, listen,
pause, take it in.
Meditation is so helpful forthat, because it keeps us in the
(15:35):
present moment, not in thefamiliar past and not in this
predictable future based on ourpast experiences.
Right, it's not about listeningso you can think about what
you're going to say next in thefuture.
Or it's not about listening andthen you know thinking about
all the past stories ofcommunication and ways that
things didn't work out and whythis is going to not work out in
(15:58):
terms of conversation.
Right, there's so manyimportant parts to communication
and one of them is reallylistening.
And so if you're not meditatingand you think meditation is
just to like calm your mind andreduce stress, it's to teach you
how to come back to the presentmoment, which is huge when it
comes to communication andconversation.
(16:20):
And then a couple other reallybig yeah, big pillars in what I
coach and teach and what'schanged my life are
neuro-linguistic programming,nlp, the modality of coaching
that I use, and also nonviolentcommunication and I think what's
most important about those twobecause those could totally be
(16:44):
episodes on themselves.
In fact, aubrey and I did anepisode just on nonviolent
communication.
I'll link that in the shownotes.
But those two can be twopowerful episodes on their own.
But NLP just really helps withus understanding the program,
understanding that there is aprogram that is running right.
(17:06):
Based on everything in yourchildhood, all the things passed
on to you, the way that you'reshowing up, communicating, the
way that conversations are goingor not going all of that is a
program that we have anopportunity to change that
program with NLP,neuro-linguistic programming,
the brain, neuro-linguistic, thewords that we're saying to
(17:27):
ourselves and to others, andprogramming right Change your
words, change your world.
That is NLP and a hugecomponent of the way that I
coach and the way that I live.
And nonviolent communication aswell Another really really good
book, nonviolent Communication,that you'll just love to dive
(17:48):
into.
Those four components ofnonviolent communication have
shifted my ability to be presentand when we are present and
we're deciding okay, how do Iwant to hear and then how do I
want to speak.
It's nice to have these filtersthat we can go through, and
nonviolent communication reallyprovides that.
And then the other thing Iwrote down was you know, I often
(18:11):
will say it's about connectionover convincing.
It's about clarity overexplaining.
Less is more right.
It's about that deep connectionfrom the words, not what we're
saying, not about getting ourpoint across.
It's about having the clarityin who we want to be and what we
want to bring to each and everyconversation, because we're
(18:33):
present in the moment to do thatright.
So yeah, with that being said,let's tap into those three
strategies, three key strategiesto develop strong communication
skills.
The first one is know your corevalues In order to speak from a
space of what truly matters toyou.
(18:54):
You need to know what trulymatters to you and you need to
know who you want to be, how youknow when you're being it, how
you know when you're not beingit and when it's time to set a
boundary.
You need to know who you wantto be right.
Things happen to us, thingscome into our sphere, right, and
we have to choose and decidehow we're going to happen back
(19:17):
how we're going to respond overreact.
Well, it's easy to react whenyou don't know your values and
you're not sure about who youwant to be.
It's much easier to respondwhen you have that framework
that you created that says thisis who I want to be, these are
my core values, this is how I'mgoing to show up, right?
So speak from that place ofvalue.
Speak from that place of whattruly matters to you.
(19:39):
That's the first one.
Number two is practiceassertiveness, not aggressive
communication, and understandingthe nuances between being
assertive and advocating foryourself and being aggressive
and trying to get your way andspeaking from a place of trauma
and reaction.
Right, and finding that balance.
(20:00):
Recently I was chatting with ateam member and we were talking
about what we might say in aparticular situation and I had a
way of saying it and sheresponded of like oh well,
that's assertive.
And I remember thinking likeokay, well then you know what's
something more from your voicethat you might say things
differently.
(20:20):
Or you know, tweak what I saidinto something that's more your
voice.
But then I was thinking too oflike what's wrong with assertive
, right?
What's that?
What's the story that you tellyourself about assertiveness,
right, can we be assertive andalso kind, right, like, just
thought about that a little bit,right.
Can we be assertive and alsokind, right, like, just thought
about that a little bit?
Right?
An assertive is going to lookdifferent on everyone, right?
(20:44):
I love working with people andhearing their voice and the way
they communicate and some of thedifferent nuances of that,
because assertive can, yeah,look different.
The tonality of assertiveness,the verbiage, the word choice of
assertiveness gets to lookdifferent depending on everybody
, right, because your voice maybe the way you use it and your
(21:06):
voice is an instrument, and sosometimes assertive sounds
different.
And assertive can soundconfident and sexy and
knowledgeable and wise.
It doesn't have to be demandingand overbearing, and we all
have these stories of what wethink that might mean.
So number two is reallypracticing that assertiveness,
that speaking your truth,advocating but then not being
(21:27):
aggressive, still being open toother people's points of view
Huge.
And then the last point of thethree key strategies so we have
know your core values practiceassertiveness and not aggression
.
(21:47):
And then the third one is usethe power of silence and
presence.
Like I said before, listeningis just as important as speaking
, and being present in theconversation helps people feel
heard.
Right.
If you were in a situationwhere you were having a
conversation with somebody andopening up your heart and
sharing and you just felt likethey were just hearing you but
(22:10):
not listening and just sayingwhatever afterwards, it's nice
to know that someone's there inthe present moment with you.
They're not on their phone,they're not thinking about
something else, their bodylanguage is positioned in a way
that's like hey, I'm listening,I'm present with you and, yeah,
(22:31):
listening is super powerful andI think a lot of even yeah, a
lot of the courses I've taughtand a lot of what I coach on
communication-wise has to dowith what words you are saying
and what words you might besaying on stage or giving a
presentation to your team, orwhat words you might be saying
when approaching somebody youwant to have a tough
conversation with, and the notwords are huge too.
(22:54):
And what you're not saying andthe way that you are listening
and taking that in is sopowerful to think about.
But yeah, those are the threestrategies Know your core values
assertiveness over aggressionand using that power of silence
and presence.
Highly recommend meditationwhen it comes to that.
But yeah, I hope you took somevalue from this episode?
(23:17):
Right, maybe you're prompted toask yourself or kind of
investigate a little bit, likewhere am I stuck?
Where am I holding back alittle bit?
What are those repeat patternsof things that I'm starting to
notice around communication thatI want to get to the root cause
of and I want to change and Iwant to just evolve past?
(23:38):
I'm trying to think of if therewas anything else I wanted to
share, but that was pretty muchit.
I just wanted to share a bitmore of where I come from in
that space and what's helped mea lot and help you have some key
strategies and points that willhelp you in this journey that
(23:59):
we call life, because we'rearound other people, we're
talking to ourselves, we'retalking to others.
And then on April 12th there isa free two-hour masterclass on
Zoom that I'm hosting withAubrey Pohl.
She's a close friend of mine,we coach together a lot and
she's a master NLP practitioner.
(24:20):
She coaches, yeah, and teachesfor so many next level
communicators and she's anamazing speaker and communicator
.
And we're hosting a Communicatewith Confidence master class on
April 12th, from 11 to onemountain standard time, on zoom.
It's absolutely free.
We're going to be covering thefive pillars to help you unleash
(24:43):
your voice, and, yeah, it'll bereally awesome.
So I'll link that in the in theshow notes as well.
We would love to see you thereon zoom and I don't know if you
can hear that noise, but there'sa little jingle that's playing
because my sheets are in thedryer and they're done drying,
which coincides perfectly withthe end of this episode.
So I'm just going to finishtidying things up around my
(25:04):
house and doing my laundry andchanging my sheets.
I hope you guys enjoyed thisepisode.
Give me your reflections, joinour Communicate with Confidence
Masterclass and we'll see you atthe next one Later.
Thank you so much for listeningto this episode of Self Love
(25:26):
and Sweat, the Podcast.
If you enjoyed this episode orwere inspired by it or something
resonated with you, do me afavor and share this episode
with a friend, someone that youthink might enjoy this episode
as well.
That's the ultimate complimentand the best way to make this
podcast ripple out into theworld of others.
(25:48):
And also you can leave us areview up to five stars wherever
you're listening to the podcast.
Thank you so much for listeningand we'll see you at the next
episode.
I appreciate you.
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