February 25, 2025 • 46 mins
Are you carving out space to grieve? In this episode, I talk with Nichola Day about grieving through the seasons:
• Intentionally practicing rituals and finding community to honor grief throughout the year
• Prioritizing self-care and rest during times of grief
• Finding your personal and seasonal rhythms to reconnect with your values
• Unfolding the complexities of grief, from the acute loss to finding the lessons
Nichola is a Yoga & Mindfulness Teacher, and Yoga Therapist with her own business, 'Sensitive Yoga Therapy', based in the UK. She is HSP herself, as well as identifying as neurodivergent. She works to support other sensitives experiencing anxiety, overwhelm and burnout to reconnect back with their bodies, the natural world around them and their true authentic selves. She offers a route back to this through Yoga, Mindfulness, Seasonal Living & Inner Inquiry. When she is not working, Nichola loves to read, walk amongst trees and gaze at the moon!
Keep in touch with Nichola:
• Website: http://www.nicholaday.co.uk
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sensitiveyogatherapy
• Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@sensitiveyogatherapy
Resources Mentioned:
• Sensitive Soul Space monthly membership: https://www.nicholaday.co.uk/sensitivesoulspace
• Yoga Therapy: https://www.nicholaday.co.uk/one-to-one-yoga-therapy Use code SensitiveStories for 20% off.
Thank you to Cozy Earth for sponsoring this episode.
Cozy Earth offers super soft and sustainably sourced bedding and loungewear. Use discount code SENSITIVE at checkout for up to 40% off. https://cozyearth.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Nichola Day (00:00):
What is worth me keeping hold of, what is not,
what's going to drain my energy.
I think this is a period oftime that's really key for
sensitives because, you know, alot of us do have that tendency
to take on too much, be a bitappeasing maybe people pleasing
and it's that time when we canlook to nature and think okay,
(00:22):
the trees are letting some stuffgo.
What can I let go?
What is really worth my energy?
April Snow (00:36):
Welcome to Sensitive Stories, the podcast for the
people who live with hearts andeyes wide open.
I'm your host, psychotherapistand author, april Snow.
I invite you to join me as Ideep dive into rich
conversations with fellow highlysensitive people that will
inspire you to live a morefulfilling life as an HSP
(00:58):
without all the overwhelm.
In this episode, I talk withNicola Day about slowing down to
honor the rhythm of each season, tending to the complexities of
grief through the seasons andhow to care for our deeply
feeling and grieving selves asHSPs.
Nicola is a yoga andmindfulness teacher and yoga
(01:19):
therapist with her own business,sensitive Yoga Therapy, based
in the UK.
She is a highly sensitiveperson and also identifies as
neurodivergent.
She works to support othersensitives experiencing anxiety,
overwhelm and burnout toreconnect back with their bodies
, the natural world around themand their true, authentic selves
(01:39):
.
She offers a route back to thisthrough yoga, mindfulness,
seasonal living and innerinquiry.
When she is not working, nicolaloves to read, walk amongst the
trees and gaze at the moon Formore HSP resources and to see
behind-the-scenes video from thepodcast.
Join me on Instagram, tiktok orYouTube at Sensitive Strengths
(02:02):
or sign up for my email list.
Links are in the show notes andat sensitivestoriescom.
And just a reminder that thisepisode is for educational
purposes only and is notintended as a substitute for
treatment with a mental healthor medical professional.
Let's dive in.
Nichola Day (02:39):
Hi April, how are you?
I'm good.
It's so good to see you again.
Yeah likewise.
April Snow (02:46):
Well, Nicola, I want to welcome you back onto the
podcast.
I'm so happy that you're hereto share with us once again.
Nichola Day (02:52):
Yeah, thank you.
Really grateful to be here,thank you.
April Snow (02:55):
So you were on episode 33.
We talked about seasonalself-care and we're going to be
diving a little deeper into thattopic.
But before we start, I'mwondering if you could give us
just a little snapshot what eachseason might teach us.
If there's one thing that welearn, yeah so much, so so much.
Nichola Day (03:16):
I've been doing this for a while now personally
and weaving it into my teachingfor a while.
It's just so many layers to eachseason and I think, before I
just get into each season, it'salso worth just keeping in mind
that within the seasons ofnature, we also have our own
personal seasons as well, whichinteract in this beautiful
(03:42):
organic way.
It's almost like a lens, yourown personal lens, through
whichever season you're in.
And I wanted to start with thatbecause, for example, in the
spring, you've got that energyof like renewal and growth and
hope and kind of emergence aftera period of dormancy.
And if you are in a season ofyour life where you are
(04:05):
generally in a bit of a winter,maybe a dark night of the soul
or however you want to frame it,maybe you're never going to
come to grief, maybe you are ingrief you might not feel so
springy yes, if you know what Imean but the kind of more
typical energies of spring.
So I just wanted to prefacewith that in case any listeners
(04:25):
are thinking well, I'mdefinitely not feeling like that
at this point.
Equally, we might be in like areal summer phase of our life.
Maybe we're on a roll at workwe're in a real good time, you
know, with our family, and somaybe we don't feel like the
hunkering down so much.
So, yeah, I just wanted tostart with that.
However, that being said, I'llstart with spring.
(04:46):
It feels logical.
It is that time when things arestarting to, you know, warm up
outside.
We start to see those signs ofnature more fully.
There's nothing better is therethan like a really beautiful
spring day where the sun's out,you can see the blossoms on the
trees and bulbs appearing, and Ithink it really does bring that
feeling of hope.
(05:07):
So it can teach us a lot aboutthat kind of use of dreaming and
what might lie ahead andfeeling gratitude for nature,
for example.
I also think it can teach usand this is something that I've
been working with a little bitbecause I think for me
personally I don't know aboutany of the HSPs, but I think
(05:29):
spring can potentially be one ofthe more challenging times for
sensitives.
I can talk about that a littlebit in a while.
But spring, I think, can teachus of the struggle involved in
growth.
It really doesn't happen easy,the leaves pushing through the
(05:50):
earth.
There's a great struggleinvolved in that.
It's not like an easy transit,we just slide into full bloom.
There's a real kind of pushingthrough the crust, almost, you
know.
So I think it can teach us alot about resilience and
perseverance and kind of digginginto our foundations in order
(06:13):
to, yeah, grow.
And then, of course, you've gotthe summer, which often people
describe it as their favoritetime of the year.
Not always I'm an autumn girl,but you know it can be a time to
really anchor into presentmoment, awareness, abundance,
(06:34):
joy.
I think it also encourages usto lean into celebrating
ourselves and really honoringour own kind of vibrancy, our
own light, etc.
And maybe teaching us about howto shine in our authenticity,
maybe.
And then we've got autumn,which is why I love autumn.
I just love it so much.
I love that bit where ittransitions from late summer
(06:56):
into early autumn.
It's just gorgeous anyway.
Obviously it might seem a littlebit obvious, but autumn can
teach us a lot about letting go,about releasing.
If we just think about the lifecycle of the trees citrus trees,
obviously, but even evergreen,you know they'll draw their
resources in, they'll let go ofanything that they need, and one
of the words I work with a lotin autumn is discernment.
(07:18):
It's a real time to reallythink OK, we're going into the
colder months shortly, what isworth me keeping hold of, what
is not, what's going to drain myenergy?
I think this is a period oftime that's really key for
sensitives because, you know, alot of us do have that tendency
(07:41):
to take on too much, be a bitappeasing, maybe people pleasing
, and it's that time when we canlook to nature and think OK,
the trees are letting some stuffgo, what can I let go and what
is really worth my energy?
So, yeah, I really like thatword discernment around that
(08:03):
time.
So, yeah, I really like thatword discernment around that
time.
And then, of course, we've gotwinter, which is where we are
right now as we're recording.
And rest, rest, rest, rest, deephibernation rest.
I think a lot of people shyaway from this.
Obviously, we've got a modernworld which really wants us to
(08:24):
believe the idea thatproductivity is a 24-7 thing and
that is our worth can besurmised by what we produce.
And it's just not true.
We are nature.
I know we like to passourselves up into neat boxes,
houses, and you know we forgetthat we are nature and nature is
(08:48):
cyclical.
Everywhere you look it'scyclical.
And so this period of winter forthe deep, deep rest, not just
having a little nap like soulrest, you know, not being so
busy in the mind, just comingback to your center.
I mean, if you think aboutancestrally, what would be
happening in winter is, you know, they'd be enjoying their
(09:10):
preserved foods, they might begathered around fires, telling
stories, huddling up andsleeping yeah, a lot.
So just slowing down, it's nottime to be busy.
The other thing about winterand I've been talking a lot
about this recently and in classwith my students is about it's
not just about rest.
(09:31):
I mean, that's a huge part ofwinter, but it's also about the,
the stillness and theintrospection and what that
affords us for the next part ofthe cycle.
So when we are quiet, stillwe're resting.
It gives us time to reflect andgo.
You know, on a practical level,our ancestors would have gone.
(09:53):
Hmm, that was the harvest thisyear, guys what what went wrong,
you know how can we do better,what might we do differently
next time around or whatever.
And the same is for us.
We can go into our metaphoricalcave and and just reflect and
think okay, what worked for methis cycle just gone by?
(10:15):
And, importantly, what is it Ivalue most?
Am I living my values?
And as the next cycle comesaround, we then, you know, we'll
come back around to thatpotential growth and that
struggle, that kind of growthstruggle in the spring.
If we are not clear on what wevalue most and if perhaps we've
(10:37):
gathered patterns that are nothelpful for us, then when we do
move into that growth, we mightbe pointing our compass in the
wrong direction, as it were.
April Snow (10:46):
So each season feeds into the next, obviously, but
when we live seasonally, theseasons teaches essentially
about really coming back toourselves, so that we can live
not just in alignment with theexternal world but in alignment
with our own inner world as well, which is why I love it it's so
(11:07):
beautiful just how each seasonhas a purpose and a rhythm and
just having those spaces toconnect with different layers of
ourselves, whether it's thejoyful kind of more extroverted
part in the summer or the moreintrospective part in the winter
, and just checking in how arethings going?
Am I living in alignment.
I feel like there's not spaceto do that anymore and we're not
(11:31):
slowing down to make sure okay,I'm, things are, okay, I'm on
the right path.
That's a big loss.
We're constantly just pushingourselves through and not
discerning.
Yeah, I love that word, youknow.
I love when you ask what isreally worth my energy, because
our energy is scarce, as in HSPs, and we do need that.
Nichola Day (11:50):
It is and it's, it's, it's not infinite.
I think when you slow down youreally start to understand how
precious your energy is andmaybe you know definitely what I
have reflected on is just how,without thought, I have given my
time and energy away.
And it's precious.
(12:11):
I was actually only sayingyesterday to some friends about
before I kind of discovered thisway of living or started my
healing path.
I didn't actually realize mytime and energy were my own.
I know that probably sounds abit odd.
I didn't actually realize mytime and energy were my own.
I know that's probably sounds abit odd, I don't know whether
that resonates with listeners.
But you know, fairly say fairlyrecent, probably late 20s,
(12:33):
early 30s I started this kind ofoh my goodness, my time and
energy is actually my own.
Yeah.
April Snow (12:41):
I think that's pretty common, that people
forget that I definitely do like.
Oh, actually I have choice overhow I spend my time and worried
about my energy, but there isso much external pressure and
noise dictating what we shouldbe doing.
Nichola Day (12:58):
Yeah, it's so easy to forget or to not even know it
is, and it's not at all to haveanybody feel bad if they um
realize, oh my gosh, I've beenpulled outside of myself again.
I still get pulled out myself.
But this is why this kind ofseasonal living is so beautiful,
because you're provided withconstant touch points.
(13:21):
You know, within each of thoseseasons you have got different
things, like the equinoxes andthe solstices solstice literally
translates to sun standingstill, so much like that you
yourself can just pause.
You know, even within thevibrancy of summer you have that
(13:41):
, that point in june to juststop and reflect.
And, yeah, you can do agratitude practice, you can
think about how you're abundant,but it's also a chance to just
get okay, how's the first partof the year gone for me?
Am I in alignment?
Where is my energy?
Enjoy it back in as needs be.
So I love those touch pointsbecause I think you know HSPs
(14:02):
need those points more than mostto just draw it back in,
constantly drawing it back in.
April Snow (14:09):
Yeah, we really do, and it's helpful to see there's
rhythms when, within each season, where you can go a little slow
, touch down and then come backout looking at those little
moments, that you don't have tojust keep going at the same pace
.
You can slow things down, andso it sounds like.
You know, winter is for me iskind of the natural grieving
(14:31):
season and you talked about itbeing kind of a deep soul rest.
We're going inward and as we goinward we touch into those
deeper emotions.
But does grief show up in otherseasons?
Nichola Day (14:43):
yeah, I think it does it really does.
So I think I probably sharedthis last time, maybe I can't
remember, but my firstsignificant grief was well,
actually it was probably a muchbeloved dog, but in terms of
person, significant personpassing, it was my dad in 2022,
so still not that long ago andthen that was followed by a very
(15:05):
special lady, my husband's nan,but such a central figure in
our family.
And what I think has beeninteresting is that I think when
a person dies, like the time ofthe year then kind of leaves
its little signature on thattime of the year.
(15:26):
So my dad passed away in autumnand so for me it feels like a
natural grieving time.
It even feels like the treesare grieving.
It's almost like a sorrowfulenergy as the trees are letting
their leaves go, you know.
So I think it can show up inall seasons, regardless, and and
(15:51):
also regardless of when aperson has passed away or
whenever that loss has been felteach season brings with it
something to bring that grief tothe fore.
So it could be a birthday, itcould be, oh, a favorite tree.
So my husband's nan she lovedcherry blossoms and of course,
(16:14):
you know, in spring, yeah, therethey are and in actual fact,
she chose a cherry blossom forus, so that's now in our garden,
so it, you know, it can come upat any point.
And I also think, whilst I agreeyou know the winter, the darker
months, is that natural innergrieving when you come into the
(16:36):
warmer months, spring and summer.
I think there's something aboutexternal reminders, external
things that bring the griefperhaps more outward.
I'm not sure if that makessense, but like like a thaw,
that happens.
Yeah, I guess so, because youknow it's almost easier to be
(17:00):
grieving in the winter.
You know people perhaps expectit people, yeah, you know,
perhaps a little bit down in thedumps it's dark and I think
it's more easily available andaccepted.
But if it's a warm, sunny day,perhaps you're at the beach,
perhaps you're at the parkhaving a picnic and you're
bringing up a grief or difficultfeelings that you're having
(17:22):
about somebody that you've lost.
It can be difficult for otherpeople maybe to sit with you in
that and hold space for you inthat, and in many ways I think,
well, like I've just said,there's more reminders of the
loss because perhaps your, thatloved one, would have been there
, you know, and also in theperiod of growth, when
(17:43):
everything's growing andabundant, and I definitely found
this with my dad, you know.
It's just a reminder that theworld is continuing to grow
without them.
Yeah so, and I think that canbe really difficult yeah, that's
heavy to think.
April Snow (17:57):
Oh I'm, I'm here experiencing this and they're
not here with me, they're notseeing this moment yeah, we're
getting to see the cherryblossom bloom this spring.
Yeah it does bring that thosefeelings of loss come up easily
yeah, and other feelings too.
Nichola Day (18:13):
I mean, you know, feelings of guilt can surface, I
think as well, like, oh youknow, particularly if you know
joy and grief are not far apart,or joy and loss they're very,
very close together.
You know, you can be one minuteenjoying an ice cream in the
(18:35):
sunshine, like having a reallygood time, yeah, and then choked
up the next because you mightbe feeling obviously the loss,
but you might also be feelingguilty that you're enjoying
yourself and they're not herewith you to experience it with
you, or they're missing out, orall of those feelings.
And also, I mean this isobvious, but just to call out,
(18:58):
every grief is unique for me tohave two deaths so close
together, side by side almost,and very, very different
experience, very differentbecause there was very different
feelings around those twopeople.
And so the emotions that comeup with any reminder, anything,
(19:21):
I mean it could have been asmall.
It actually came up the otherday for me.
I was, my son was in this youthchoir thing and there was a dad
walking his little girl downthe stairs to take her to the
toilet, I would imagine and wewere having a great time, you
know, the kids were singing, andthen it just catches you yeah,
(19:42):
yeah, just in.
April Snow (19:43):
Yeah, some little reminder or emotion comes
through and then you're there,yeah.
Yeah, I appreciate you sayingthat, because there is this
expectation to grieve in acertain way or in a certain
formula, and you're right thateach person grieves differently,
but we then also grievedifferently depending on the
(20:03):
loss and maybe even when ithappened in our lives yeah, yeah
.
Nichola Day (20:10):
So many reminders and I think there's yeah,
there's just I think there's somuch expectation around grief
and I think this, I think thisis probably one of the biggest
problems for the grievingprocess for HSPs, and you know
we're very sensitive to externalexpectation and more often than
(20:32):
not, really want to.
We can be quite conscientious,can't we, and really want to be
doing.
We seem to be doing thingsright and there is absolutely no
right way to grieve.
Um, with you know theheightened emotional, uh,
awareness and depth andintensity, that, an empathy that
(20:52):
we can feel.
There's most likely going toneed a much deeper and longer
integration process.
But I mean, some people mightbe done quite quickly, but for
most HSPs that I've come acrossthat have gone through the
grieving process, yes, it cantake quite some time.
(21:13):
You've obviously got that acutegrief phase, but I think it
takes much longer to integrateinto your wiring, your body,
your life the most.
And also, I've had thisexperience recently and and I
know she might won't mind mesharing a friend who lost
(21:34):
someone quite tragically and formany reasons she wasn't allowed
to grieve that at the time andshe's held it for 20 years and
and has only just started toprocess that grief and the
intensity is just as if it was,you know, yesterday.
April Snow (21:57):
Yeah, yeah it doesn't go away.
No, it doesn't, it doesn't.
Yeah, yeah.
And you're right that we dogrieve so differently than other
folks as hsps.
You know, with that deepprocessing and trying to make
sense of the grief and feelingit so much more deeply and in
more complex ways, and thenhaving the emotions bubble up so
(22:20):
quickly, with just one littlereminder, yeah, or one moment of
remembering the loss, it canjust flood right up to the
surface, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So it sounds like we need to beable to follow our own path
through the grief and, eventhough winter it's more
(22:40):
acceptable to grieve, makingspace in every season whether
it's because something doesbring it back up for you or
there's an anniversary, abirthday, a memory or the actual
loss anniversary that the griefis going to come up.
And I've seen this happen witha lot of HSPs where those times
of year, no matter what theseason, the grief is heavy.
(23:04):
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm wondering, knowingthat it's not as acceptable to
grieve in other seasons becausewe're supposed to be more
exuberant or active, how do wework with our grief in summer or
in spring or, you know, throughthe seasons?
Nichola Day (23:22):
Yeah, I think for me it comes through these almost
rituals that I create formyself at these regular points.
That's not to say that you needto schedule a date with grief
you can and I do, but it'swelcome through my door at any
time, you know, if it comes,just allowing it, so allowing it
(23:43):
organically, but in terms ofbeing perhaps a little bit more
proactive with it.
It's, you know, if you'repracticing a seasonal way of
life, then you can drop intothese little pause points like
the equinoxes and the solstices,etc.
There can be space within thosetimes.
Perhaps you've journaled on.
I don't know what we've gotcoming up.
(24:04):
Well, not yet, it's still faraway.
We've got the spring equinoxcoming up.
You know, whilst you might setaside some time lighting a
candle, perhaps taking ameditation to think about the
growth ahead, maybe it's alsoabout having some pictures of
your loved ones that you've lost, lighting a candle for them,
sending them a little bit ofyour thought and your love and
(24:26):
care and gratitude for theirlives, etc.
Maybe that invites a moment toshed some tears and release that
grief, you know.
So it's like you're creatingyourself a safe container in
order to allow those feelings tomove and also just having no
expectation of that, and therehave been times when I've sat
(24:47):
down and perhaps I've beenjournaling about something
seasonally and I've lit mycandle, I've said what I needed
to say to my, my loved ones thathave passed on, and that's been
enough.
I actually have a I call it myancestors table, so anyone
that's passed on, I have theirpictures up and I've got some
candles and a few little piecesof rose quartz.
(25:09):
But I've been offering to themand you know so they are there,
for they are there throughoutthe year.
They're there so I can justsend them a little nod if I want
to, but there's no expectationfor me to be, you know, sobbing
all the time, but the invitationis there if I need to release
some grief.
(25:29):
Those are those little touchpoints that I create, that
little container for myself todo that at any point in the year
.
I thought we talked about thislast time, I think.
But they're not my, my specialpeeps.
They're on one side and thenI've got my like little seasonal
space over on the other side.
So the two spaces are veryconnected.
April Snow (25:51):
So I guess it's about creating space to touch in
yeah, I appreciate that becauseI think a lot of times we're
fighting with the grief to tryto keep it in the background, to
not let it yeah, overcome us.
But if we do create those touchpoints, those rituals, we know
we have space for it and it'scoming out regularly instead of
(26:11):
building up.
Yeah, and taking over yeah, sowe're just, we're acknowledging
grief is here, yes, and it'swelcome yeah yes, I appreciate
that
Nichola Day (26:21):
and I have to also just highlight the importance
for me of having a connection,or a couple of connections, to
fellow HSPs who also have lostsomebody, and the depth of those
conversations that we've had inour deep grief.
Moments have been of so muchvalue, moments are have been of
(26:51):
so much value.
So, yeah, I would say that's animportant point to just sneak in
there is it doesn't?
Grief really shouldn't besomething that we do alone, but
we so often do, and I think it'sgreat that we can have these
moments for ourself, creatingour space etc.
And checking in so importantand I wouldn't say, don't do it.
But also knowing if you havethose safe connections, those
(27:15):
people that get it, that are notgoing to turn you away and say
this is too much or you shouldbe over it by now, who you know,
who are ready and waiting, andactually I'm very grateful to
have a couple of people thatwill ask before I've even you
know, yes, yes so if you havethose people, reaching out is to
(27:39):
be shared and connected over,because when we lose someone or
something in our lives, sohealing to know we still have
support and those people to leanon and and just space to not
feel so alone in it, to knowthat we're not overreacting or
we're not grieving for too long.
April Snow (27:58):
Yeah, yeah, there's.
There's so much comfort in that.
Nichola Day (28:01):
It's such a good reminder I think you know,
sometimes it's not possible,depending on the complexity of
who it is you've lost or alsowhat it has been that you've
lost, because grief is notalways a person.
It could be a job, it could be asituation, it could be a life
(28:24):
stage.
You know, grief can beassociated with lots of things,
so sometimes the complexity ofthe grief might not afford us
those connections.
So I'm conscious of that.
Definitely an experience I havehad with one of my griefs, if
you like, one of my losses wasthe connection all the people to
(28:47):
be able to grieve with and talkto about.
It was was not so present.
So for me, those rituals, thosechecking in with myself, and
actually the building of arelationship with a fellow
friend who'd been on theperiphery we weren't kind of
deeply connected friends, but Iknew that she had also lost
someone recently and so Ireached out to.
(29:11):
Well, she may have reached outI can't remember now, but there
was a we came together.
So I guess what I'm saying isif you're feeling I guess if any
listeners are feeling, or Idon't know who to talk to about
this, there is no one maybe justreach out to somebody who you
think might you know what's theworst could.
That could happen.
They, they might not feelcomfortable with it, but maybe
there's something to be gainedfrom it and there are groups
(29:35):
around, organized groups as well, that can be great containers
so it could be an opportunity tobuild a connection if there
isn't one already there,potentially.
April Snow (29:45):
Yeah, I appreciate that there could be just room to
connect with someone who youhaven't yet or haven't been as
close to yeah or yeah or, likeyou said, there's a lot of grief
groups around and could findcommunity there as well, if it's
not someone in our own lives,because there are those times
where the people in your lifethey're not grieving with you
(30:07):
because they haven't beenthrough the loss or they just
don't understand or don'tsupport sadly.
So it's important to find itwhere you can, at the very least
having those connection pointswith yourself.
Nichola Day (30:19):
I think you know, as much as grief can isolate
people, it also can bring peopletogether.
Yeah, you know, I've beenreally surprised at comments
that I've had when I've sharedwhat I've been going through
from people that I just Iwouldn't have even, you know,
students in my classes orclients.
And there is connection becauseit's a shared human experience
(30:40):
that we all go through and Ithink sometimes if we're willing
to just be a little bitvulnerable, then the connection
can be made and then that justyou feel so much lighter.
You know, we know this, don'twe?
April Snow (30:54):
we do yeah it's a good reminder too, because I
think, as HSPs, we often willtake care of others and we
forget to take care of ourselvesand we forget to ask for help
or support?
Nichola Day (31:07):
yes, definitely I think, for independence can be,
yeah, one of many patterns andpartly, we don't want to burden
others.
I think sometimes that's whereit can come from and, yeah, we
forget to ask for help.
Definitely, so grief can be agreat teacher in that sense I
(31:27):
appreciate thinking of griefwith that purpose.
April Snow (31:30):
Yeah, there's those undercurrents of connection and
just bright spots within theloss.
Nichola Day (31:37):
Yes, yeah I've talked about this a lot actually
over the last couple of yearsof the gold that can be found
within grief sometimes.
I think it's helpful, maybe notin that acute phase, but over
time it can be, I think, be seenas almost like a doorway
(32:00):
through to like a deeper levelof your own healing or a deeper
level of yourself.
I definitely feel like achanged person since my losses.
I think, in the sense of itbeing particularly losing my dad
was quite a traumatic eventbecause it was massively
unexpected.
But then there's thetransformation I think that goes
(32:22):
through, that comes withlooking at that relationship you
have with that person, how thatloss impacts you.
You know there's almost likethis looking back of all the
memories and conversations hadand everything that comes with
your own personal grief, becauseeach one's unique.
There's like an opportunity togo deeper.
(32:43):
And what does this mean to me?
How is this kind of anopportunity to go deeper and
what does this mean to me?
How is this kind ofreorganizing my worldview and
who I am and how I'm living mylife?
You know, it can be a real kindof portal, if you like, to deep
transformation.
I think that's what I foundyeah, I appreciate that.
April Snow (33:02):
the grief, what a beautiful reframe of grief.
(33:30):
And of course that will comeafter the initial, like you said
, the acute loss.
But as we go through it, there'sother things to discover about
ourselves, and maybe even aboutthe relationship with that
person or that time of our livesthat we can start to appreciate
.
Yeah, I thank you for that, forkind of adding more complexity
(33:52):
to it, because I think we see itas just this one note.
Yeah, and as hsps, we have thatability to dive deeper and look
at those layers I think there'smany aspects to it.
Nichola Day (34:04):
So many aspects, so many, yeah, so many, yeah, so
many.
I like to think, you know, Istarted asking myself this
question.
We lost a couple ofgrandparents a while back and I
started asking myself thequestion what has that person
taught me?
What has that person's lifetaught me?
And, like you say, after thatinitial acute phase, you know,
(34:28):
when you are just really feelingthe loss and the shock which is
really jarring, especially forHSPs, that the whole system is
just thrown into chaos, I thinkfor quite a while.
But after that phase, I thinkthat's when you can start the
natural reflection that we're sooften very good at, and I think
(34:51):
that is the point at which wecan.
Then it's almost like you know,grief is a little bit like how
trees, when they lose theirleaves, it provides compost for
the growth to come.
It feels a little bit like thatyou know the loss of somebody
will and it's definitely in mycase anyway is fertilized or is
(35:14):
adding nutrients, if you like,nutrients, to my growth.
April Snow (35:19):
I love that.
It's like that energy, thatspirit of that person.
It just it keeps going on.
Nichola Day (35:26):
Yeah, it's not lost and this is how we, yeah, we
live through each other, don'twe?
We pass on and to eachgeneration, and so the cycle
continues.
So, yeah, we can.
I do think there is a choice.
We can choose to accept theoffering from the loss, or we
(35:46):
might not.
April Snow (35:48):
Choose to accept.
Yeah, Is there a way that wecan?
I'm just thinking how do Ichoose to accept?
Is it just how I talk to myselfabout it, or how I'm thinking
about the loss?
Nichola Day (36:03):
I think the power of intention comes in here.
When I lost my dad which was avery, very complex grief, after
the initial shock and, believeyou me, it was a massive shock
he was only 66 and he had beenplaying golf the week before, so
there was no, there was nowarning.
(36:27):
After that initial shock, Iconsciously made the intention
to be fully present for it all,because I knew we had a very
complex, complicatedrelationship, difficult,
complicated relationship, and Iknew and this is probably going
to sound a bit strange, but Iknew that if I was able to
(36:49):
remain present with it, with thevery caring guidance of my own
therapist, that his passingcould be a gift for my healing,
because there's there was a lotthere to be dealt with anyway
that I'd already been exploringin therapy myself.
(37:10):
There's an intention, probablyslightly naively taken by myself
, not probably knowing the fullextent of what that journey
entailed, but what has come outof it has been transformational
for me and my family, my ownchildren, my other relationships
(37:31):
, etc.
So, yeah, intending to workwith it, and it might be that
the intention is okay, I'm goingto park this for a time because
my life is not quite set up forthis yet Sure, and then coming
back to it.
April Snow (37:52):
But you get to choose the path you walk through
your grief.
Yes, when you're going to do itand how you're going to do it.
Yeah, yes, when you're going todo it and how you're going to
do it, yeah, yeah.
That's helpful to rememberbecause I think, for me at least
, grief has felt a lot of timeslike I am not in control, I
think it's just washing over me.
But to know we can have thosetouch points and those
(38:14):
intentions, we can steer thegrief as we need to come in and
out of it as we're able to yeah,I think, yeah, I think with
grief you're dancing with bothno control and, yeah, the power
to have some control over it.
Nichola Day (38:30):
But I do think, when we intentionally work with
it, it does give us back alittle bit of that sense of
control.
You know that we are choosing.
Okay, today I'm going to workwith this or not.
I'm going to stick on Netflixand whatever it takes.
April Snow (38:48):
Yeah, so we can.
We can choose how to care forourselves.
We can come in and out, that's.
You hear that a lot Grief is.
It's a cycle, right, you'recoming in, you're coming out of.
It's not linear.
So, yeah, we can do grief,however we need to yeah, yeah.
Nichola Day (39:06):
And pacing pacing with any of these things is
really important because it isso easy to become overwhelmed
and we haven't talked about this, but oh, the fatigue involved
in grief is intense to say theleast, and as HSPs, we're
already probably chronicallytired yes, yes, we are.
(39:32):
So I had to lower myexpectations when I did a deep
dive after dad's passing.
So I think when you are goinginto it, it's knowing that, okay
, I'm not going to be on top ofx, y and z.
I am going to have to lower myexpectations, increase my
(39:53):
self-kindness and self-carepractices by tenfold and sleep
as much as you can, because ourbrains, our wiring, needs so
much more integration time.
And that's okay, that'sabsolutely okay absolutely okay,
because you're.
April Snow (40:10):
The energy has to come from somewhere.
So we have to rest more, wehave to slow everything down, we
have to take care of ourselvesand fortify ourselves for this
journey, just like if you weregoing on a trip.
You would pack up supplies andyou would rest and you would
cool up, and we have to do thesame for grief.
Nichola Day (40:26):
It sounds like, yeah, find your resources yeah,
and I think, relating it to thetrip, you know when you're extra
sensitive, I think we probablydo a bit more prep.
We might kind of google all theplaces to eat that are close by
.
We might look at the buildingsmost nearby for a walk.
We would map it all out.
(40:47):
So probably the a bit ofresearch.
But okay, what's grief going tohold for me?
What should I expect?
April Snow (40:54):
you know, there is a lot, a lot of preparation that
can be helpful and going into ityeah, we can learn about grief
and what we need yeah, yeah so,nicola, I'm wondering if, as we
wrap up, if there's a finalmessage that you could share
with HSPs who are going throughsome type of grief, what would
(41:17):
that be?
Nichola Day (41:19):
I guess you just you're not alone and you are
entitled to feel whatever you'refeeling whenever, for as long
as you need, yeah, and it'snever too much it's never too
much thank you for that welcomeso I will share all of your
(41:40):
seasonal resources for folksthat they can dive into.
April Snow (41:43):
I know you have a YouTube page with seasonal
practices.
Folks could start to work withyou there.
You also have a Sensitive SoulSpace membership with
meditations and therapeutic yoga, other seasonal resources so a
lot of ways that folks can workwith you, and then also you
offer yoga therapy.
So I'm wondering if you couldshare with listeners just a
(42:04):
little bit more about thatbefore we wrap up.
Nichola Day (42:06):
Yeah, so the yoga therapy is a.
I really feel it's a beautifuloffering for hsps because it
gives you that real tailored andbespoke approach and really
each session is very individualand centered solely on what the
needs are of the person in thattime, and it could include
movement, it could includebreath work, it could involve
(42:28):
talking things throughmeditation.
It really does depend on whatthe person brings um, and I like
to make sure that when I startwith a person, that we kind of
really get the grips with whatthat person is like, what their
sensory profile is like, so thatwe can tailor it exactly.
And it can be really helpfulfor any point where a person
(42:53):
feels a bit lost or is goingthrough a life transition or a
grief, for example, becausegrief in particular gets trapped
in the body often and so thatcan be helpful way to just
support yourself as you'reprocessing and that grief or
whatever life transition you'regoing through.
So, yeah, it can be a reallybeautiful process.
April Snow (43:15):
I love it yeah, it's a good reminder that movement
can be helpful to move thoseemotions through, especially
grief.
And then you're coming into acommunity space just to be
around others and feel thatsupport maybe indirect or direct
around the grief.
But just to have other peoplearound can be such a a bomb
during a hard time yeah, yeah,yeah yeah, for sure well, nicola
(43:39):
.
Thank you so much for everythingthat you shared today and just
helping us understand how we canbe with our grief in different
times of the year and alsodifferent times of our life.
I really appreciate that.
Nichola Day (43:50):
You're welcome.
Thanks for having me.
Thank you.
April Snow (44:00):
Thanks so much for joining me and Nicola for
today's conversation.
What I hope you're taking awayis permission to be discerning
about where you devote yourenergy, preserving energy during
times of grief and followingyour personal seasonal rhythms.
For more support in living andgrieving seasonally, you can
connect with Nicola on YouTubeat Sensitive Yoga Therapy or
(44:24):
sign up for her Sensitive SoulSpace community at nicoladaycouk
.
Links are in the show notes.
If you enjoyed this episode,subscribe to the Sensitive
Stories podcast so you don'tmiss our upcoming conversations.
Reviews and ratings are alsohelpful and appreciated For
behind-the-scenes content andmore HSP resources.
(44:45):
You can sign up for my emaillist or follow Sensitive
Strengths on Instagram, tiktokand YouTube.
Check out the show notes orsensitivestoriescom for all the
resources from today's episode.
Thanks for listening.
What is worth me keeping hold of, what is not,
what's going to drain my energy.
I think this is a period oftime that's really key for
sensitives because, you know, alot of us do have that tendency
to take on too much, be a bitappeasing maybe people pleasing
and it's that time when we canlook to nature and think okay,
(00:22):
the trees are letting some stuffgo.
What can I let go?
What is really worth my energy?
April Snow (00:36):
Welcome to Sensitive Stories, the podcast for the
people who live with hearts andeyes wide open.
I'm your host, psychotherapistand author, april Snow.
I invite you to join me as Ideep dive into rich
conversations with fellow highlysensitive people that will
inspire you to live a morefulfilling life as an HSP
(00:58):
without all the overwhelm.
In this episode, I talk withNicola Day about slowing down to
honor the rhythm of each season, tending to the complexities of
grief through the seasons andhow to care for our deeply
feeling and grieving selves asHSPs.
Nicola is a yoga andmindfulness teacher and yoga
(01:19):
therapist with her own business,sensitive Yoga Therapy, based
in the UK.
She is a highly sensitiveperson and also identifies as
neurodivergent.
She works to support othersensitives experiencing anxiety,
overwhelm and burnout toreconnect back with their bodies
, the natural world around themand their true, authentic selves
(01:39):
.
She offers a route back to thisthrough yoga, mindfulness,
seasonal living and innerinquiry.
When she is not working, nicolaloves to read, walk amongst the
trees and gaze at the moon Formore HSP resources and to see
behind-the-scenes video from thepodcast.
Join me on Instagram, tiktok orYouTube at Sensitive Strengths
(02:02):
or sign up for my email list.
Links are in the show notes andat sensitivestoriescom.
And just a reminder that thisepisode is for educational
purposes only and is notintended as a substitute for
treatment with a mental healthor medical professional.
Let's dive in.
Nichola Day (02:39):
Hi April, how are you?
I'm good.
It's so good to see you again.
Yeah likewise.
April Snow (02:46):
Well, Nicola, I want to welcome you back onto the
podcast.
I'm so happy that you're hereto share with us once again.
Nichola Day (02:52):
Yeah, thank you.
Really grateful to be here,thank you.
April Snow (02:55):
So you were on episode 33.
We talked about seasonalself-care and we're going to be
diving a little deeper into thattopic.
But before we start, I'mwondering if you could give us
just a little snapshot what eachseason might teach us.
If there's one thing that welearn, yeah so much, so so much.
Nichola Day (03:16):
I've been doing this for a while now personally
and weaving it into my teachingfor a while.
It's just so many layers to eachseason and I think, before I
just get into each season, it'salso worth just keeping in mind
that within the seasons ofnature, we also have our own
personal seasons as well, whichinteract in this beautiful
(03:42):
organic way.
It's almost like a lens, yourown personal lens, through
whichever season you're in.
And I wanted to start with thatbecause, for example, in the
spring, you've got that energyof like renewal and growth and
hope and kind of emergence aftera period of dormancy.
And if you are in a season ofyour life where you are
(04:05):
generally in a bit of a winter,maybe a dark night of the soul
or however you want to frame it,maybe you're never going to
come to grief, maybe you are ingrief you might not feel so
springy yes, if you know what Imean but the kind of more
typical energies of spring.
So I just wanted to prefacewith that in case any listeners
(04:25):
are thinking well, I'mdefinitely not feeling like that
at this point.
Equally, we might be in like areal summer phase of our life.
Maybe we're on a roll at workwe're in a real good time, you
know, with our family, and somaybe we don't feel like the
hunkering down so much.
So, yeah, I just wanted tostart with that.
However, that being said, I'llstart with spring.
(04:46):
It feels logical.
It is that time when things arestarting to, you know, warm up
outside.
We start to see those signs ofnature more fully.
There's nothing better is therethan like a really beautiful
spring day where the sun's out,you can see the blossoms on the
trees and bulbs appearing, and Ithink it really does bring that
feeling of hope.
(05:07):
So it can teach us a lot aboutthat kind of use of dreaming and
what might lie ahead andfeeling gratitude for nature,
for example.
I also think it can teach usand this is something that I've
been working with a little bitbecause I think for me
personally I don't know aboutany of the HSPs, but I think
(05:29):
spring can potentially be one ofthe more challenging times for
sensitives.
I can talk about that a littlebit in a while.
But spring, I think, can teachus of the struggle involved in
growth.
It really doesn't happen easy,the leaves pushing through the
(05:50):
earth.
There's a great struggleinvolved in that.
It's not like an easy transit,we just slide into full bloom.
There's a real kind of pushingthrough the crust, almost, you
know.
So I think it can teach us alot about resilience and
perseverance and kind of digginginto our foundations in order
(06:13):
to, yeah, grow.
And then, of course, you've gotthe summer, which often people
describe it as their favoritetime of the year.
Not always I'm an autumn girl,but you know it can be a time to
really anchor into presentmoment, awareness, abundance,
(06:34):
joy.
I think it also encourages usto lean into celebrating
ourselves and really honoringour own kind of vibrancy, our
own light, etc.
And maybe teaching us about howto shine in our authenticity,
maybe.
And then we've got autumn,which is why I love autumn.
I just love it so much.
I love that bit where ittransitions from late summer
(06:56):
into early autumn.
It's just gorgeous anyway.
Obviously it might seem a littlebit obvious, but autumn can
teach us a lot about letting go,about releasing.
If we just think about the lifecycle of the trees citrus trees,
obviously, but even evergreen,you know they'll draw their
resources in, they'll let go ofanything that they need, and one
of the words I work with a lotin autumn is discernment.
(07:18):
It's a real time to reallythink OK, we're going into the
colder months shortly, what isworth me keeping hold of, what
is not, what's going to drain myenergy?
I think this is a period oftime that's really key for
sensitives because, you know, alot of us do have that tendency
(07:41):
to take on too much, be a bitappeasing, maybe people pleasing
, and it's that time when we canlook to nature and think OK,
the trees are letting some stuffgo, what can I let go and what
is really worth my energy?
So, yeah, I really like thatword discernment around that
(08:03):
time.
So, yeah, I really like thatword discernment around that
time.
And then, of course, we've gotwinter, which is where we are
right now as we're recording.
And rest, rest, rest, rest, deephibernation rest.
I think a lot of people shyaway from this.
Obviously, we've got a modernworld which really wants us to
(08:24):
believe the idea thatproductivity is a 24-7 thing and
that is our worth can besurmised by what we produce.
And it's just not true.
We are nature.
I know we like to passourselves up into neat boxes,
houses, and you know we forgetthat we are nature and nature is
(08:48):
cyclical.
Everywhere you look it'scyclical.
And so this period of winter forthe deep, deep rest, not just
having a little nap like soulrest, you know, not being so
busy in the mind, just comingback to your center.
I mean, if you think aboutancestrally, what would be
happening in winter is, you know, they'd be enjoying their
(09:10):
preserved foods, they might begathered around fires, telling
stories, huddling up andsleeping yeah, a lot.
So just slowing down, it's nottime to be busy.
The other thing about winterand I've been talking a lot
about this recently and in classwith my students is about it's
not just about rest.
(09:31):
I mean, that's a huge part ofwinter, but it's also about the,
the stillness and theintrospection and what that
affords us for the next part ofthe cycle.
So when we are quiet, stillwe're resting.
It gives us time to reflect andgo.
You know, on a practical level,our ancestors would have gone.
(09:53):
Hmm, that was the harvest thisyear, guys what what went wrong,
you know how can we do better,what might we do differently
next time around or whatever.
And the same is for us.
We can go into our metaphoricalcave and and just reflect and
think okay, what worked for methis cycle just gone by?
(10:15):
And, importantly, what is it Ivalue most?
Am I living my values?
And as the next cycle comesaround, we then, you know, we'll
come back around to thatpotential growth and that
struggle, that kind of growthstruggle in the spring.
If we are not clear on what wevalue most and if perhaps we've
(10:37):
gathered patterns that are nothelpful for us, then when we do
move into that growth, we mightbe pointing our compass in the
wrong direction, as it were.
April Snow (10:46):
So each season feeds into the next, obviously, but
when we live seasonally, theseasons teaches essentially
about really coming back toourselves, so that we can live
not just in alignment with theexternal world but in alignment
with our own inner world as well, which is why I love it it's so
(11:07):
beautiful just how each seasonhas a purpose and a rhythm and
just having those spaces toconnect with different layers of
ourselves, whether it's thejoyful kind of more extroverted
part in the summer or the moreintrospective part in the winter
, and just checking in how arethings going?
Am I living in alignment.
I feel like there's not spaceto do that anymore and we're not
(11:31):
slowing down to make sure okay,I'm, things are, okay, I'm on
the right path.
That's a big loss.
We're constantly just pushingourselves through and not
discerning.
Yeah, I love that word, youknow.
I love when you ask what isreally worth my energy, because
our energy is scarce, as in HSPs, and we do need that.
Nichola Day (11:50):
It is and it's, it's, it's not infinite.
I think when you slow down youreally start to understand how
precious your energy is andmaybe you know definitely what I
have reflected on is just how,without thought, I have given my
time and energy away.
And it's precious.
(12:11):
I was actually only sayingyesterday to some friends about
before I kind of discovered thisway of living or started my
healing path.
I didn't actually realize mytime and energy were my own.
I know that probably sounds abit odd.
I didn't actually realize mytime and energy were my own.
I know that's probably sounds abit odd, I don't know whether
that resonates with listeners.
But you know, fairly say fairlyrecent, probably late 20s,
(12:33):
early 30s I started this kind ofoh my goodness, my time and
energy is actually my own.
Yeah.
April Snow (12:41):
I think that's pretty common, that people
forget that I definitely do like.
Oh, actually I have choice overhow I spend my time and worried
about my energy, but there isso much external pressure and
noise dictating what we shouldbe doing.
Nichola Day (12:58):
Yeah, it's so easy to forget or to not even know it
is, and it's not at all to haveanybody feel bad if they um
realize, oh my gosh, I've beenpulled outside of myself again.
I still get pulled out myself.
But this is why this kind ofseasonal living is so beautiful,
because you're provided withconstant touch points.
(13:21):
You know, within each of thoseseasons you have got different
things, like the equinoxes andthe solstices solstice literally
translates to sun standingstill, so much like that you
yourself can just pause.
You know, even within thevibrancy of summer you have that
(13:41):
, that point in june to juststop and reflect.
And, yeah, you can do agratitude practice, you can
think about how you're abundant,but it's also a chance to just
get okay, how's the first partof the year gone for me?
Am I in alignment?
Where is my energy?
Enjoy it back in as needs be.
So I love those touch pointsbecause I think you know HSPs
(14:02):
need those points more than mostto just draw it back in,
constantly drawing it back in.
April Snow (14:09):
Yeah, we really do, and it's helpful to see there's
rhythms when, within each season, where you can go a little slow
, touch down and then come backout looking at those little
moments, that you don't have tojust keep going at the same pace
.
You can slow things down, andso it sounds like.
You know, winter is for me iskind of the natural grieving
(14:31):
season and you talked about itbeing kind of a deep soul rest.
We're going inward and as we goinward we touch into those
deeper emotions.
But does grief show up in otherseasons?
Nichola Day (14:43):
yeah, I think it does it really does.
So I think I probably sharedthis last time, maybe I can't
remember, but my firstsignificant grief was well,
actually it was probably a muchbeloved dog, but in terms of
person, significant personpassing, it was my dad in 2022,
so still not that long ago andthen that was followed by a very
(15:05):
special lady, my husband's nan,but such a central figure in
our family.
And what I think has beeninteresting is that I think when
a person dies, like the time ofthe year then kind of leaves
its little signature on thattime of the year.
(15:26):
So my dad passed away in autumnand so for me it feels like a
natural grieving time.
It even feels like the treesare grieving.
It's almost like a sorrowfulenergy as the trees are letting
their leaves go, you know.
So I think it can show up inall seasons, regardless, and and
(15:51):
also regardless of when aperson has passed away or
whenever that loss has been felteach season brings with it
something to bring that grief tothe fore.
So it could be a birthday, itcould be, oh, a favorite tree.
So my husband's nan she lovedcherry blossoms and of course,
(16:14):
you know, in spring, yeah, therethey are and in actual fact,
she chose a cherry blossom forus, so that's now in our garden,
so it, you know, it can come upat any point.
And I also think, whilst I agreeyou know the winter, the darker
months, is that natural innergrieving when you come into the
(16:36):
warmer months, spring and summer.
I think there's something aboutexternal reminders, external
things that bring the griefperhaps more outward.
I'm not sure if that makessense, but like like a thaw,
that happens.
Yeah, I guess so, because youknow it's almost easier to be
(17:00):
grieving in the winter.
You know people perhaps expectit people, yeah, you know,
perhaps a little bit down in thedumps it's dark and I think
it's more easily available andaccepted.
But if it's a warm, sunny day,perhaps you're at the beach,
perhaps you're at the parkhaving a picnic and you're
bringing up a grief or difficultfeelings that you're having
(17:22):
about somebody that you've lost.
It can be difficult for otherpeople maybe to sit with you in
that and hold space for you inthat, and in many ways I think,
well, like I've just said,there's more reminders of the
loss because perhaps your, thatloved one, would have been there
, you know, and also in theperiod of growth, when
(17:43):
everything's growing andabundant, and I definitely found
this with my dad, you know.
It's just a reminder that theworld is continuing to grow
without them.
Yeah so, and I think that canbe really difficult yeah, that's
heavy to think.
April Snow (17:57):
Oh I'm, I'm here experiencing this and they're
not here with me, they're notseeing this moment yeah, we're
getting to see the cherryblossom bloom this spring.
Yeah it does bring that thosefeelings of loss come up easily
yeah, and other feelings too.
Nichola Day (18:13):
I mean, you know, feelings of guilt can surface, I
think as well, like, oh youknow, particularly if you know
joy and grief are not far apart,or joy and loss they're very,
very close together.
You know, you can be one minuteenjoying an ice cream in the
(18:35):
sunshine, like having a reallygood time, yeah, and then choked
up the next because you mightbe feeling obviously the loss,
but you might also be feelingguilty that you're enjoying
yourself and they're not herewith you to experience it with
you, or they're missing out, orall of those feelings.
And also, I mean this isobvious, but just to call out,
(18:58):
every grief is unique for me tohave two deaths so close
together, side by side almost,and very, very different
experience, very differentbecause there was very different
feelings around those twopeople.
And so the emotions that comeup with any reminder, anything,
(19:21):
I mean it could have been asmall.
It actually came up the otherday for me.
I was, my son was in this youthchoir thing and there was a dad
walking his little girl downthe stairs to take her to the
toilet, I would imagine and wewere having a great time, you
know, the kids were singing, andthen it just catches you yeah,
(19:42):
yeah, just in.
April Snow (19:43):
Yeah, some little reminder or emotion comes
through and then you're there,yeah.
Yeah, I appreciate you sayingthat, because there is this
expectation to grieve in acertain way or in a certain
formula, and you're right thateach person grieves differently,
but we then also grievedifferently depending on the
(20:03):
loss and maybe even when ithappened in our lives yeah, yeah
.
Nichola Day (20:10):
So many reminders and I think there's yeah,
there's just I think there's somuch expectation around grief
and I think this, I think thisis probably one of the biggest
problems for the grievingprocess for HSPs, and you know
we're very sensitive to externalexpectation and more often than
(20:32):
not, really want to.
We can be quite conscientious,can't we, and really want to be
doing.
We seem to be doing thingsright and there is absolutely no
right way to grieve.
Um, with you know theheightened emotional, uh,
awareness and depth andintensity, that, an empathy that
(20:52):
we can feel.
There's most likely going toneed a much deeper and longer
integration process.
But I mean, some people mightbe done quite quickly, but for
most HSPs that I've come acrossthat have gone through the
grieving process, yes, it cantake quite some time.
(21:13):
You've obviously got that acutegrief phase, but I think it
takes much longer to integrateinto your wiring, your body,
your life the most.
And also, I've had thisexperience recently and and I
know she might won't mind mesharing a friend who lost
(21:34):
someone quite tragically and formany reasons she wasn't allowed
to grieve that at the time andshe's held it for 20 years and
and has only just started toprocess that grief and the
intensity is just as if it was,you know, yesterday.
April Snow (21:57):
Yeah, yeah it doesn't go away.
No, it doesn't, it doesn't.
Yeah, yeah.
And you're right that we dogrieve so differently than other
folks as hsps.
You know, with that deepprocessing and trying to make
sense of the grief and feelingit so much more deeply and in
more complex ways, and thenhaving the emotions bubble up so
(22:20):
quickly, with just one littlereminder, yeah, or one moment of
remembering the loss, it canjust flood right up to the
surface, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So it sounds like we need to beable to follow our own path
through the grief and, eventhough winter it's more
(22:40):
acceptable to grieve, makingspace in every season whether
it's because something doesbring it back up for you or
there's an anniversary, abirthday, a memory or the actual
loss anniversary that the griefis going to come up.
And I've seen this happen witha lot of HSPs where those times
of year, no matter what theseason, the grief is heavy.
(23:04):
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm wondering, knowingthat it's not as acceptable to
grieve in other seasons becausewe're supposed to be more
exuberant or active, how do wework with our grief in summer or
in spring or, you know, throughthe seasons?
Nichola Day (23:22):
Yeah, I think for me it comes through these almost
rituals that I create formyself at these regular points.
That's not to say that you needto schedule a date with grief
you can and I do, but it'swelcome through my door at any
time, you know, if it comes,just allowing it, so allowing it
(23:43):
organically, but in terms ofbeing perhaps a little bit more
proactive with it.
It's, you know, if you'repracticing a seasonal way of
life, then you can drop intothese little pause points like
the equinoxes and the solstices,etc.
There can be space within thosetimes.
Perhaps you've journaled on.
I don't know what we've gotcoming up.
(24:04):
Well, not yet, it's still faraway.
We've got the spring equinoxcoming up.
You know, whilst you might setaside some time lighting a
candle, perhaps taking ameditation to think about the
growth ahead, maybe it's alsoabout having some pictures of
your loved ones that you've lost, lighting a candle for them,
sending them a little bit ofyour thought and your love and
(24:26):
care and gratitude for theirlives, etc.
Maybe that invites a moment toshed some tears and release that
grief, you know.
So it's like you're creatingyourself a safe container in
order to allow those feelings tomove and also just having no
expectation of that, and therehave been times when I've sat
(24:47):
down and perhaps I've beenjournaling about something
seasonally and I've lit mycandle, I've said what I needed
to say to my, my loved ones thathave passed on, and that's been
enough.
I actually have a I call it myancestors table, so anyone
that's passed on, I have theirpictures up and I've got some
candles and a few little piecesof rose quartz.
(25:09):
But I've been offering to themand you know so they are there,
for they are there throughoutthe year.
They're there so I can justsend them a little nod if I want
to, but there's no expectationfor me to be, you know, sobbing
all the time, but the invitationis there if I need to release
some grief.
(25:29):
Those are those little touchpoints that I create, that
little container for myself todo that at any point in the year
.
I thought we talked about thislast time, I think.
But they're not my, my specialpeeps.
They're on one side and thenI've got my like little seasonal
space over on the other side.
So the two spaces are veryconnected.
April Snow (25:51):
So I guess it's about creating space to touch in
yeah, I appreciate that becauseI think a lot of times we're
fighting with the grief to tryto keep it in the background, to
not let it yeah, overcome us.
But if we do create those touchpoints, those rituals, we know
we have space for it and it'scoming out regularly instead of
(26:11):
building up.
Yeah, and taking over yeah, sowe're just, we're acknowledging
grief is here, yes, and it'swelcome yeah yes, I appreciate
that
Nichola Day (26:21):
and I have to also just highlight the importance
for me of having a connection,or a couple of connections, to
fellow HSPs who also have lostsomebody, and the depth of those
conversations that we've had inour deep grief.
Moments have been of so muchvalue, moments are have been of
(26:51):
so much value.
So, yeah, I would say that's animportant point to just sneak in
there is it doesn't?
Grief really shouldn't besomething that we do alone, but
we so often do, and I think it'sgreat that we can have these
moments for ourself, creatingour space etc.
And checking in so importantand I wouldn't say, don't do it.
But also knowing if you havethose safe connections, those
(27:15):
people that get it, that are notgoing to turn you away and say
this is too much or you shouldbe over it by now, who you know,
who are ready and waiting, andactually I'm very grateful to
have a couple of people thatwill ask before I've even you
know, yes, yes so if you havethose people, reaching out is to
(27:39):
be shared and connected over,because when we lose someone or
something in our lives, sohealing to know we still have
support and those people to leanon and and just space to not
feel so alone in it, to knowthat we're not overreacting or
we're not grieving for too long.
April Snow (27:58):
Yeah, yeah, there's.
There's so much comfort in that.
Nichola Day (28:01):
It's such a good reminder I think you know,
sometimes it's not possible,depending on the complexity of
who it is you've lost or alsowhat it has been that you've
lost, because grief is notalways a person.
It could be a job, it could be asituation, it could be a life
(28:24):
stage.
You know, grief can beassociated with lots of things,
so sometimes the complexity ofthe grief might not afford us
those connections.
So I'm conscious of that.
Definitely an experience I havehad with one of my griefs, if
you like, one of my losses wasthe connection all the people to
(28:47):
be able to grieve with and talkto about.
It was was not so present.
So for me, those rituals, thosechecking in with myself, and
actually the building of arelationship with a fellow
friend who'd been on theperiphery we weren't kind of
deeply connected friends, but Iknew that she had also lost
someone recently and so Ireached out to.
(29:11):
Well, she may have reached outI can't remember now, but there
was a we came together.
So I guess what I'm saying isif you're feeling I guess if any
listeners are feeling, or Idon't know who to talk to about
this, there is no one maybe justreach out to somebody who you
think might you know what's theworst could.
That could happen.
They, they might not feelcomfortable with it, but maybe
there's something to be gainedfrom it and there are groups
(29:35):
around, organized groups as well, that can be great containers
so it could be an opportunity tobuild a connection if there
isn't one already there,potentially.
April Snow (29:45):
Yeah, I appreciate that there could be just room to
connect with someone who youhaven't yet or haven't been as
close to yeah or yeah or, likeyou said, there's a lot of grief
groups around and could findcommunity there as well, if it's
not someone in our own lives,because there are those times
where the people in your lifethey're not grieving with you
(30:07):
because they haven't beenthrough the loss or they just
don't understand or don'tsupport sadly.
So it's important to find itwhere you can, at the very least
having those connection pointswith yourself.
Nichola Day (30:19):
I think you know, as much as grief can isolate
people, it also can bring peopletogether.
Yeah, you know, I've beenreally surprised at comments
that I've had when I've sharedwhat I've been going through
from people that I just Iwouldn't have even, you know,
students in my classes orclients.
And there is connection becauseit's a shared human experience
(30:40):
that we all go through and Ithink sometimes if we're willing
to just be a little bitvulnerable, then the connection
can be made and then that justyou feel so much lighter.
You know, we know this, don'twe?
April Snow (30:54):
we do yeah it's a good reminder too, because I
think, as HSPs, we often willtake care of others and we
forget to take care of ourselvesand we forget to ask for help
or support?
Nichola Day (31:07):
yes, definitely I think, for independence can be,
yeah, one of many patterns andpartly, we don't want to burden
others.
I think sometimes that's whereit can come from and, yeah, we
forget to ask for help.
Definitely, so grief can be agreat teacher in that sense I
(31:27):
appreciate thinking of griefwith that purpose.
April Snow (31:30):
Yeah, there's those undercurrents of connection and
just bright spots within theloss.
Nichola Day (31:37):
Yes, yeah I've talked about this a lot actually
over the last couple of yearsof the gold that can be found
within grief sometimes.
I think it's helpful, maybe notin that acute phase, but over
time it can be, I think, be seenas almost like a doorway
(32:00):
through to like a deeper levelof your own healing or a deeper
level of yourself.
I definitely feel like achanged person since my losses.
I think, in the sense of itbeing particularly losing my dad
was quite a traumatic eventbecause it was massively
unexpected.
But then there's thetransformation I think that goes
(32:22):
through, that comes withlooking at that relationship you
have with that person, how thatloss impacts you.
You know there's almost likethis looking back of all the
memories and conversations hadand everything that comes with
your own personal grief, becauseeach one's unique.
There's like an opportunity togo deeper.
(32:43):
And what does this mean to me?
How is this kind of anopportunity to go deeper and
what does this mean to me?
How is this kind ofreorganizing my worldview and
who I am and how I'm living mylife?
You know, it can be a real kindof portal, if you like, to deep
transformation.
I think that's what I foundyeah, I appreciate that.
April Snow (33:02):
the grief, what a beautiful reframe of grief.
(33:30):
And of course that will comeafter the initial, like you said
, the acute loss.
But as we go through it, there'sother things to discover about
ourselves, and maybe even aboutthe relationship with that
person or that time of our livesthat we can start to appreciate
.
Yeah, I thank you for that, forkind of adding more complexity
(33:52):
to it, because I think we see itas just this one note.
Yeah, and as hsps, we have thatability to dive deeper and look
at those layers I think there'smany aspects to it.
Nichola Day (34:04):
So many aspects, so many, yeah, so many, yeah, so
many.
I like to think, you know, Istarted asking myself this
question.
We lost a couple ofgrandparents a while back and I
started asking myself thequestion what has that person
taught me?
What has that person's lifetaught me?
And, like you say, after thatinitial acute phase, you know,
(34:28):
when you are just really feelingthe loss and the shock which is
really jarring, especially forHSPs, that the whole system is
just thrown into chaos, I thinkfor quite a while.
But after that phase, I thinkthat's when you can start the
natural reflection that we're sooften very good at, and I think
(34:51):
that is the point at which wecan.
Then it's almost like you know,grief is a little bit like how
trees, when they lose theirleaves, it provides compost for
the growth to come.
It feels a little bit like thatyou know the loss of somebody
will and it's definitely in mycase anyway is fertilized or is
(35:14):
adding nutrients, if you like,nutrients, to my growth.
April Snow (35:19):
I love that.
It's like that energy, thatspirit of that person.
It just it keeps going on.
Nichola Day (35:26):
Yeah, it's not lost and this is how we, yeah, we
live through each other, don'twe?
We pass on and to eachgeneration, and so the cycle
continues.
So, yeah, we can.
I do think there is a choice.
We can choose to accept theoffering from the loss, or we
(35:46):
might not.
April Snow (35:48):
Choose to accept.
Yeah, Is there a way that wecan?
I'm just thinking how do Ichoose to accept?
Is it just how I talk to myselfabout it, or how I'm thinking
about the loss?
Nichola Day (36:03):
I think the power of intention comes in here.
When I lost my dad which was avery, very complex grief, after
the initial shock and, believeyou me, it was a massive shock
he was only 66 and he had beenplaying golf the week before, so
there was no, there was nowarning.
(36:27):
After that initial shock, Iconsciously made the intention
to be fully present for it all,because I knew we had a very
complex, complicatedrelationship, difficult,
complicated relationship, and Iknew and this is probably going
to sound a bit strange, but Iknew that if I was able to
(36:49):
remain present with it, with thevery caring guidance of my own
therapist, that his passingcould be a gift for my healing,
because there's there was a lotthere to be dealt with anyway
that I'd already been exploringin therapy myself.
(37:10):
There's an intention, probablyslightly naively taken by myself
, not probably knowing the fullextent of what that journey
entailed, but what has come outof it has been transformational
for me and my family, my ownchildren, my other relationships
(37:31):
, etc.
So, yeah, intending to workwith it, and it might be that
the intention is okay, I'm goingto park this for a time because
my life is not quite set up forthis yet Sure, and then coming
back to it.
April Snow (37:52):
But you get to choose the path you walk through
your grief.
Yes, when you're going to do itand how you're going to do it.
Yeah, yes, when you're going todo it and how you're going to
do it, yeah, yeah.
That's helpful to rememberbecause I think, for me at least
, grief has felt a lot of timeslike I am not in control, I
think it's just washing over me.
But to know we can have thosetouch points and those
(38:14):
intentions, we can steer thegrief as we need to come in and
out of it as we're able to yeah,I think, yeah, I think with
grief you're dancing with bothno control and, yeah, the power
to have some control over it.
Nichola Day (38:30):
But I do think, when we intentionally work with
it, it does give us back alittle bit of that sense of
control.
You know that we are choosing.
Okay, today I'm going to workwith this or not.
I'm going to stick on Netflixand whatever it takes.
April Snow (38:48):
Yeah, so we can.
We can choose how to care forourselves.
We can come in and out, that's.
You hear that a lot Grief is.
It's a cycle, right, you'recoming in, you're coming out of.
It's not linear.
So, yeah, we can do grief,however we need to yeah, yeah.
Nichola Day (39:06):
And pacing pacing with any of these things is
really important because it isso easy to become overwhelmed
and we haven't talked about this, but oh, the fatigue involved
in grief is intense to say theleast, and as HSPs, we're
already probably chronicallytired yes, yes, we are.
(39:32):
So I had to lower myexpectations when I did a deep
dive after dad's passing.
So I think when you are goinginto it, it's knowing that, okay
, I'm not going to be on top ofx, y and z.
I am going to have to lower myexpectations, increase my
(39:53):
self-kindness and self-carepractices by tenfold and sleep
as much as you can, because ourbrains, our wiring, needs so
much more integration time.
And that's okay, that'sabsolutely okay absolutely okay,
because you're.
April Snow (40:10):
The energy has to come from somewhere.
So we have to rest more, wehave to slow everything down, we
have to take care of ourselvesand fortify ourselves for this
journey, just like if you weregoing on a trip.
You would pack up supplies andyou would rest and you would
cool up, and we have to do thesame for grief.
Nichola Day (40:26):
It sounds like, yeah, find your resources yeah,
and I think, relating it to thetrip, you know when you're extra
sensitive, I think we probablydo a bit more prep.
We might kind of google all theplaces to eat that are close by
.
We might look at the buildingsmost nearby for a walk.
We would map it all out.
(40:47):
So probably the a bit ofresearch.
But okay, what's grief going tohold for me?
What should I expect?
April Snow (40:54):
you know, there is a lot, a lot of preparation that
can be helpful and going into ityeah, we can learn about grief
and what we need yeah, yeah so,nicola, I'm wondering if, as we
wrap up, if there's a finalmessage that you could share
with HSPs who are going throughsome type of grief, what would
(41:17):
that be?
Nichola Day (41:19):
I guess you just you're not alone and you are
entitled to feel whatever you'refeeling whenever, for as long
as you need, yeah, and it'snever too much it's never too
much thank you for that welcomeso I will share all of your
(41:40):
seasonal resources for folksthat they can dive into.
April Snow (41:43):
I know you have a YouTube page with seasonal
practices.
Folks could start to work withyou there.
You also have a Sensitive SoulSpace membership with
meditations and therapeutic yoga, other seasonal resources so a
lot of ways that folks can workwith you, and then also you
offer yoga therapy.
So I'm wondering if you couldshare with listeners just a
(42:04):
little bit more about thatbefore we wrap up.
Nichola Day (42:06):
Yeah, so the yoga therapy is a.
I really feel it's a beautifuloffering for hsps because it
gives you that real tailored andbespoke approach and really
each session is very individualand centered solely on what the
needs are of the person in thattime, and it could include
movement, it could includebreath work, it could involve
(42:28):
talking things throughmeditation.
It really does depend on whatthe person brings um, and I like
to make sure that when I startwith a person, that we kind of
really get the grips with whatthat person is like, what their
sensory profile is like, so thatwe can tailor it exactly.
And it can be really helpfulfor any point where a person
(42:53):
feels a bit lost or is goingthrough a life transition or a
grief, for example, becausegrief in particular gets trapped
in the body often and so thatcan be helpful way to just
support yourself as you'reprocessing and that grief or
whatever life transition you'regoing through.
So, yeah, it can be a reallybeautiful process.
April Snow (43:15):
I love it yeah, it's a good reminder that movement
can be helpful to move thoseemotions through, especially
grief.
And then you're coming into acommunity space just to be
around others and feel thatsupport maybe indirect or direct
around the grief.
But just to have other peoplearound can be such a a bomb
during a hard time yeah, yeah,yeah yeah, for sure well, nicola
(43:39):
.
Thank you so much for everythingthat you shared today and just
helping us understand how we canbe with our grief in different
times of the year and alsodifferent times of our life.
I really appreciate that.
Nichola Day (43:50):
You're welcome.
Thanks for having me.
Thank you.
April Snow (44:00):
Thanks so much for joining me and Nicola for
today's conversation.
What I hope you're taking awayis permission to be discerning
about where you devote yourenergy, preserving energy during
times of grief and followingyour personal seasonal rhythms.
For more support in living andgrieving seasonally, you can
connect with Nicola on YouTubeat Sensitive Yoga Therapy or
(44:24):
sign up for her Sensitive SoulSpace community at nicoladaycouk
.
Links are in the show notes.
If you enjoyed this episode,subscribe to the Sensitive
Stories podcast so you don'tmiss our upcoming conversations.
Reviews and ratings are alsohelpful and appreciated For
behind-the-scenes content andmore HSP resources.
(44:45):
You can sign up for my emaillist or follow Sensitive
Strengths on Instagram, tiktokand YouTube.
Check out the show notes orsensitivestoriescom for all the
resources from today's episode.
Thanks for listening.
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