February 6, 2025 • 22 mins
Especially in the midst of chaos, grief, and what very much seems like the apocalypse, what there is to do is show up for each other – in whatever ways we can. The trick, of course, is in recognizing our own capacities and only offering what we actually have to give. Which may not be a lot right now, and that’s okay.
But participating in relationships with people we care about means leaning on each other. It means having the willingness and vulnerability to ask for what we need, as well as getting out of our shit by showing up for others in the ways that we can.
The key to all of it? Talking about it. If we want to show up well for and with the people we love, we need to talk about what everyone wants and needs and has to offer when the going gets tough.
Resources, References, and Links
The platinum rule: treat others as they want to be treated.
Five love languages. https://5lovelanguages.com/
Normalizing the Struggle. https://settlingisbullshit.com/2025/01/23/normalizing-the-struggle/
Toxic Positivity by Whitney Goodman (is the book), and then the definition is: avoiding, suppressing, or rejecting negative emotions in favor of an unrealistic optimism. https://bookshop.org/p/books/toxic-positivity-keeping-it-real-in-a-world-obsessed-with-being-happy-whitney-goodman/17026036?ean=9780593418277&next=t&affiliate=109472
Rage Room. A place where you can pay a fee to go smash all kinds of things! Highly recommend. Here’s the one I’ve been to in the Portland area: https://www.outragedroom.com/
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Because I think we can all get into so much gnarly trouble, especially when emotions are running high,
(00:05):
when we don't hold good boundaries for ourselves around what we are able to show up for and what we aren't,
or when we're expecting things from people that they aren't really able to give us.
One of my absolute favorite sayings is that it's my responsibility to quit going to Home Depot looking for milk.
So when I am in a place and in need of support,
(00:28):
it's my job to reach out to the people who are able to offer the kind of support that I need.
Welcome to Settling is Bullshit, a swary podcast about claiming your joy.
If you are an adult human craving healthier boundaries, a greater sense of purpose,
(00:48):
or an increased capacity to feel at ease in your own skin, then you are in the right place, my friend.
I'm your host Cate Blouke, and I'm here to offer you practical tools and playful encouragement to help you step forward and be your most awesome self.
My hope is that each episode will leave you feeling a bit more empowered to make brave choices and claim your joy.
(01:13):
Hello, my love.
How are you?
Like really though, how are you in this moment?
How's your head?
How's your heart? How's your spirit?
What do you actually need right now in this moment?
Obviously, I am not there to offer you a hug or soup, but
(01:38):
today's episode is all about showing up for each other.
And in some ways, it's also about showing up with each other, because the thing is we all need different things at different times and
for different reasons, like yes, that's very vague of me, but bear with me. A lot of us have been going through it lately.
(02:01):
I was having a hard time in January for seasonal and global political reasons and entrepreneurial reasons and neuro-nevergent reasons.
And a lot of people in my life have been going through it as well. There's been a lot of grief. There's been a lot of loss.
And what's become so evident to me in this period of winter, of literal and metaphorical winter, is that we all respond differently.
(02:32):
And that's beautiful. And when things are hard, what there is to do is to take care of each other in the ways that we know how, in the ways that we can
and in the ways that each of us needs. One of the fundamental concepts of 12-step recovery is being of service, that when we are in our shit, in the craving, in the self-pity, in the self-obsession,
(03:01):
that what there is to do is get out of ourselves and be of service to other people. And that's not a new concept. It's not unique to 12-step recovery.
It's what a lot of world religions are kind of based on from my limited understanding is that taking care of the people around us is important.
(03:24):
And of course, this is a podcast for recovering people-pleasers, among other things, so there's also the element of not overgiving and of taking care of ourselves properly.
And so what I want to talk about today is just really thinking about how we are able to show up for each other, how we can do that in healthy ways, how we can do that in nourishing ways, both for ourselves and for the people that we're trying to support.
(03:49):
Because I think we can all get into so much gnarly trouble, especially when emotions are running high, when we don't hold good boundaries for ourselves around what we are able to show up for and what we aren't, or when we're expecting things from people that they aren't really able to give us.
One of my absolute favorite sayings is that it's my responsibility to quit going to Home Depot looking for milk.
(04:14):
So when I am in a place in need of support, it's my job to reach out to the people who are able to offer the kind of support that I need.
Some people are really good at holding space for my big giant emotions. Many people are not.
And when I reach out to the people who aren't, I usually leave feeling worse. But that's on me in terms of long-term self-awareness and awareness of the people in my lives.
(04:44):
And letting people be who they are is not expecting things of them that they don't have to offer.
And so when we think about showing up for people, showing up for each other, showing up for ourselves, it's so important to get clear on what we need and what we can offer.
I have a few friends in my life who are dealing with aging and ill parents.
(05:09):
And we've been talking about, okay, when the time comes, how do you want to be supported?
And by we, I've been asking that question because I'm really curious and want to know how to show up for people because we all respond to grief differently.
For me, when I am hurting, I really want somebody to show up with food at my house and to just like be with me while I cry.
(05:33):
And some of the people in my life are going to be good at that. And some of the people in my life are going to be like, I love you so much.
I will order you a Grubhub gift card and send you cat memes. And that's great.
I don't call them when I need to cry on a shoulder.
And I think that's the really important and beautiful part of getting older, of learning who we are and what we need from people.
(05:55):
You know, we talk about the golden rule, right? Treat others as we would be treated.
And I think that's important. I think that the fundamental premise behind that idea is like, don't be a dick.
Like, if you don't want people doing that to you, don't do it to other people, right?
And I think that's a really great start. But I think the advanced version that I really love, that I heard about a few years ago, is the idea of the platinum rule,
(06:19):
which is treat others as they want to be treated.
While I might love it if people show up at my house with food and cuddles and sappy movies, that might be really overwhelming to some folks.
And I know that I get into trouble when I impose the way I think about the world and exist in the world and what I want from people on to other people without checking in first.
(06:50):
Some people really want to be alone in their grief. Some people really want company. Some people want food. Some people don't want food.
And the only way to know is to ask. That's one of my absolutely favorite questions that I wish everyone ever would learn to ask, which is like, how can I support you?
Because honestly, I think all of us do want and need some kind of support when we're hurting.
(07:17):
The trick is just that we often don't know what to ask for, haven't really thought about it, or in that moment are just like so overwhelmed with the everythingness that we don't know how to respond.
Many of us learned in childhood that like asking for help or asking for what we need was just going to get us rejected.
And so we unlearned how to ask. We forgot how to ask. We stopped asking.
(07:43):
And that's one of the tragedies of being a human surrounded by emotionally immature humans or people who just like didn't have models.
So I know for me and many of my clients and friends and loved ones, it's been a big journey of learning that it's safe to ask for help, that we're allowed to have wants and needs.
(08:05):
And a big part of cultivating a found family or a sense of community is learning to receive and accepting support and accepting the help that is often available, but we shut ourselves off from asking for it.
And especially in these times of just, I don't know, not apocalypse, but apocalyptic feeling times.
(08:31):
I feel so committed to the reality that what we need to be doing is creating communities of care is learning how to show up for each other.
Or if not learning, some of us are already really good at that. It's leaning into that.
More than ever, I'm convinced that the personal is political and the small acts of love and care and support and service will have ripple effects, especially in the face of so much powerlessness, so much complete fuckery going on.
(09:06):
And so one of my invitations in this episode is to really think about like how do you like to be supported?
What feels supportive to you when you're having a hard time? And if you're having a hard time today, great, ask yourself that question and then like reach out to someone who loves you and get that support.
And if you're not having a hard time today, great, like think about the ways that you like to be supported and then reach out to the people who love you and just let them know.
(09:33):
And maybe have a conversation about how you like to support people, because those things can be different.
That makes me think of the five love languages, right? Of how we tend to communicate love isn't always the same way that we prefer to receive it.
So whether it's words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time, or physical touch, we all have kind of like different levels of engagement with that when it comes to wanting to receive love
(10:10):
and wanting to give love. And I don't know, like it's similar when it comes to wanting to give and receive support, because like let's be real, like support is a form of love.
That's what I'm talking about is like how can we love each other better during these fucking shit show times?
But I'm not talking about like romantic partnership. I'm talking about all of our relationships.
(10:34):
But all of those love languages still apply. Like I pretty much always want to hug and I want an awkwardly long hug always, because I live alone.
And like I crave human connection, right? But that's not true for other people.
And if I really want to support the people in my life, it's partly my responsibility to learn their preferences
(11:00):
and not impose my big bear hugs on folks who are less comfortable with physical contact, or who don't like get the same amount of nourishment from that.
I want to talk about my feelings all the time. That's part of who I am and how I exist in the world.
And it's been a big growth for me to just come to understand that like that's not how everybody wants to relate. The people that I am closest to are the ones that can hold space for that, but it's not always equally reciprocal.
(11:35):
I have beautiful humans in my life who can hold space for me crying, but aren't comfortable crying in front of other humans.
And that's okay. But it's a natural inclination when we see people in our lives hurting to want to help.
And it can get really hard when we try to help in the way that we want support, but that's not how they actually want support.
(11:58):
And so part of showing up for each other well is tuning into that and cultivating our own capacity for self-regulation when the people we love are hurting and don't want anything from us, when there's nothing we can actually do.
So often we want to make it better. That's normal. That's natural. We want to make it better when people are hurting and in so doing can often inadvertently make it worse.
(12:28):
I talked about this a little bit in my episode on normalizing the struggle.
But that's what toxic positivity means is when someone's hurting and we try to cheer them up or offer a sunny side or these sort of culturally normal but unhelpful phrases that leave people feeling like they're not allowed to just be hurting or be in the struggle.
(12:58):
It's so important to feel our feelings and it's so important to like not try to skip over the hard shit.
Sometimes we're just sad, sometimes we're just depressed, sometimes we're angry and all of those feelings are valid and real and need to be expressed.
And it can be really helpful to pay attention to which of those feelings we have the hardest time with.
(13:21):
I can totally be with people crying. I have so much capacity for your tears.
I have a much harder time being with and holding space for anger or fear.
These are scary times and for a lot of folks like processing fears out loud is a way of dispelling the energy and is really helpful.
(13:47):
I'm not a very good spaceholder for that and that's okay too, right?
When it comes to supporting each other, it's so important to not make anybody wrong around their needs.
In toxic positivity by Whitney Goodman, she has a whole section on complaining, which I thought was pretty great.
(14:13):
Because I do have a really hard time being with complaining, but I really like the way that she maps out.
That everybody has different reasons for complaining and different needs around complaining and that if you can actually identify like what is your goal in complaining,
that can make the experience better for everybody involved.
(14:34):
So she has like a whole section of tips for effective complaining.
I don't think that this is something that would be a very good idea to bring up when someone is complaining to you,
but like here's the public service announcement for those of us who are human and sometimes complain about things to think about now.
So the next time you're complaining to somebody, you can be like, oh, this is what I need. This is why I'm complaining.
(14:59):
So she offers these ideas of like, are you trying to make someone aware of an issue?
Do you want to enact change? Do you want to be heard? Do you want to be validated? Do you want advice?
And I love the different nuances of those things.
Thinking about when we are venting, when we are complaining, when we are purging, because that's also true of crying now that I think about it.
(15:26):
You know, like when I am sad and just talking about a thing, is it because I need to be heard? Is it because I need someone to validate me?
Do I need witnessing or do I need validation? Do I want advice?
Oh man, I am so guilty of wanting to offer advice. That has been a huge lift.
A muscle I have cultivated over time and with ongoing continued practice is that when people are talking to me about stuff,
(15:55):
I want to offer advice. We all want to solve problems. Most of us. I'll backtrack that all.
But like most of us want to solve the problem and sometimes that's oftentimes not what the other person wants or needs.
And sometimes it's not a problem to be solved.
A lot of my clients are scared and angry right now. A lot of my friends are scared and angry right now.
(16:19):
And we've been having conversations about how important it is to feel those feelings, like actually feel them, especially anger.
Like, yes, shits fucked, be mad, put that somewhere, channel it into something, go to a rage room, punch a punching bag,
really lean in and let yourself feel the feeling because otherwise it's just going to like stew and fester and swirl in your system until it has somewhere to go.
(16:48):
That's what completing the stress cycle is all about.
Like we get this buildup of energy and emotion and if we don't let it go somewhere, it fucks us up.
But I know for me there's a big difference between processing out loud and stewing in the energy or wallowing in it or just feeding it.
(17:11):
So I think it's always a really helpful question to ask myself when I'm like in my shit is, am I actually trying to get out of this shit?
Do I want to wallow in it? Sometimes I do. Sometimes I do just want to wallow in it.
And that can be difficult to be around.
But if I can name that, it makes it a lot easier on the people in my life that I do tell what's going on and let in.
(17:37):
Like, yeah, I'm just like in this right now and I kind of want to stay here now.
And so I really encourage anyone who's listening who like wants to show up well with the people in your life, have a conversation about this.
I really love the question of like, how do you like to show up for people?
(17:58):
I really like feeding people.
That's my go-to way for showing support and checking in on people.
I'm pretty good at that.
And again, that's usually largely the way that like I want to be showed up for.
But we all have unique strengths and things to offer.
And so letting people in our lives know like, here's what I've got to offer.
(18:22):
Do you want any of that from me at this time can be really helpful.
I have a friend who's like really good at and enjoys doing online research.
That's one of the ways that she likes to show up for people.
I have another friend who really likes and is good at and will offer to help with putting together shit around the house or like doing that kind of thing.
(18:49):
And those are not necessarily my go-to offers.
But I think treating people as they want to be treated is all about having this kind of conversation.
Which is important in non-apocalyptic grief filled times as well.
Just in general.
Like when you're having a hard time, how do you want to be supported?
(19:10):
And it can also be really helpful to come up with like signals.
Sometimes we're having a hard time and we don't know how to let people know.
And a dear friend of mine invited me to like have a shared emoji for that exact experience.
Like I don't want to talk about it, but I'm having a hard time and I just wanted to let you know.
We get to send each other the ghost emoji when that's happening.
(19:32):
And then that opened up a conversation for like, okay, then what do you want me to do?
And for me, it's like always send me cute animal pictures.
Like when I'm having a hard time, I just want people to check on me.
But that's not necessarily what other people want.
And that's why it's just always, always, always so important to talk about it.
(19:54):
So as I wind down this like rambly episode that may not have provided anything
particularly revelatory or revolutionary in your life,
my invitation is nevertheless to like have the conversation with the people you love
about how they want to be showed up for, how they like showing up for each other,
(20:15):
you know, and make it explicit instead of just assuming more and more and more.
I'm committed to how important it is to have these conversations,
to talk to each other, to communicate about what works for us and what doesn't,
and what we do have to give and what we don't.
Because we just get so tangled up in assumptions and expectations and hurt feelings
(20:39):
when we don't talk about stuff.
So I very much hope this episode felt supportive.
I invite you to ask yourself what you need and then turn to the person in your life
who has it to offer.
Don't turn to the person who doesn't have it to offer.
That's just going to make you feel worse.
But like if you're like, oh, I need a hug, then like go to your friend that gives good hugs.
(21:02):
If you need food, reach out to the friend that's an awesome cook.
Because people who are good at cooking like to feed people.
That's my untested hypothesis that I still feel pretty confident about.
You know, that like we really are going to have to lean on each other a lot in the coming forever.
(21:25):
But especially right now.
And the willingness to ask for what we want and need is courageous.
And it's a brave choice.
So that's my encouragement is to make a brave choice today and ask for what you need
from a person who seems likely to be able to give it to you.
Not from the person who you want to be different.
(21:48):
Don't go to Home Depot looking for milk, my love.
Go to Home Depot and get the hammer that you actually need today.
Thank you so much for listening.
If you enjoyed this episode, please help me grow the podcast by subscribing,
leaving a review and sharing it with anyone you think would benefit from hearing it too.
(22:09):
Your support means the world to me.
If you'd like to get updates about new episodes, posts, and offerings,
please visit SettlingIsBullshit.com to subscribe to my newsletter.
You can also find information there about working with me one-on-one to build your most amazing life.
Until next time, remember that I believe in you and that you are fucking awesome.
Because I think we can all get into so much gnarly trouble, especially when emotions are running high,
(00:05):
when we don't hold good boundaries for ourselves around what we are able to show up for and what we aren't,
or when we're expecting things from people that they aren't really able to give us.
One of my absolute favorite sayings is that it's my responsibility to quit going to Home Depot looking for milk.
So when I am in a place and in need of support,
(00:28):
it's my job to reach out to the people who are able to offer the kind of support that I need.
Welcome to Settling is Bullshit, a swary podcast about claiming your joy.
If you are an adult human craving healthier boundaries, a greater sense of purpose,
(00:48):
or an increased capacity to feel at ease in your own skin, then you are in the right place, my friend.
I'm your host Cate Blouke, and I'm here to offer you practical tools and playful encouragement to help you step forward and be your most awesome self.
My hope is that each episode will leave you feeling a bit more empowered to make brave choices and claim your joy.
(01:13):
Hello, my love.
How are you?
Like really though, how are you in this moment?
How's your head?
How's your heart? How's your spirit?
What do you actually need right now in this moment?
Obviously, I am not there to offer you a hug or soup, but
(01:38):
today's episode is all about showing up for each other.
And in some ways, it's also about showing up with each other, because the thing is we all need different things at different times and
for different reasons, like yes, that's very vague of me, but bear with me. A lot of us have been going through it lately.
(02:01):
I was having a hard time in January for seasonal and global political reasons and entrepreneurial reasons and neuro-nevergent reasons.
And a lot of people in my life have been going through it as well. There's been a lot of grief. There's been a lot of loss.
And what's become so evident to me in this period of winter, of literal and metaphorical winter, is that we all respond differently.
(02:32):
And that's beautiful. And when things are hard, what there is to do is to take care of each other in the ways that we know how, in the ways that we can
and in the ways that each of us needs. One of the fundamental concepts of 12-step recovery is being of service, that when we are in our shit, in the craving, in the self-pity, in the self-obsession,
(03:01):
that what there is to do is get out of ourselves and be of service to other people. And that's not a new concept. It's not unique to 12-step recovery.
It's what a lot of world religions are kind of based on from my limited understanding is that taking care of the people around us is important.
(03:24):
And of course, this is a podcast for recovering people-pleasers, among other things, so there's also the element of not overgiving and of taking care of ourselves properly.
And so what I want to talk about today is just really thinking about how we are able to show up for each other, how we can do that in healthy ways, how we can do that in nourishing ways, both for ourselves and for the people that we're trying to support.
(03:49):
Because I think we can all get into so much gnarly trouble, especially when emotions are running high, when we don't hold good boundaries for ourselves around what we are able to show up for and what we aren't, or when we're expecting things from people that they aren't really able to give us.
One of my absolute favorite sayings is that it's my responsibility to quit going to Home Depot looking for milk.
(04:14):
So when I am in a place in need of support, it's my job to reach out to the people who are able to offer the kind of support that I need.
Some people are really good at holding space for my big giant emotions. Many people are not.
And when I reach out to the people who aren't, I usually leave feeling worse. But that's on me in terms of long-term self-awareness and awareness of the people in my lives.
(04:44):
And letting people be who they are is not expecting things of them that they don't have to offer.
And so when we think about showing up for people, showing up for each other, showing up for ourselves, it's so important to get clear on what we need and what we can offer.
I have a few friends in my life who are dealing with aging and ill parents.
(05:09):
And we've been talking about, okay, when the time comes, how do you want to be supported?
And by we, I've been asking that question because I'm really curious and want to know how to show up for people because we all respond to grief differently.
For me, when I am hurting, I really want somebody to show up with food at my house and to just like be with me while I cry.
(05:33):
And some of the people in my life are going to be good at that. And some of the people in my life are going to be like, I love you so much.
I will order you a Grubhub gift card and send you cat memes. And that's great.
I don't call them when I need to cry on a shoulder.
And I think that's the really important and beautiful part of getting older, of learning who we are and what we need from people.
(05:55):
You know, we talk about the golden rule, right? Treat others as we would be treated.
And I think that's important. I think that the fundamental premise behind that idea is like, don't be a dick.
Like, if you don't want people doing that to you, don't do it to other people, right?
And I think that's a really great start. But I think the advanced version that I really love, that I heard about a few years ago, is the idea of the platinum rule,
(06:19):
which is treat others as they want to be treated.
While I might love it if people show up at my house with food and cuddles and sappy movies, that might be really overwhelming to some folks.
And I know that I get into trouble when I impose the way I think about the world and exist in the world and what I want from people on to other people without checking in first.
(06:50):
Some people really want to be alone in their grief. Some people really want company. Some people want food. Some people don't want food.
And the only way to know is to ask. That's one of my absolutely favorite questions that I wish everyone ever would learn to ask, which is like, how can I support you?
Because honestly, I think all of us do want and need some kind of support when we're hurting.
(07:17):
The trick is just that we often don't know what to ask for, haven't really thought about it, or in that moment are just like so overwhelmed with the everythingness that we don't know how to respond.
Many of us learned in childhood that like asking for help or asking for what we need was just going to get us rejected.
And so we unlearned how to ask. We forgot how to ask. We stopped asking.
(07:43):
And that's one of the tragedies of being a human surrounded by emotionally immature humans or people who just like didn't have models.
So I know for me and many of my clients and friends and loved ones, it's been a big journey of learning that it's safe to ask for help, that we're allowed to have wants and needs.
(08:05):
And a big part of cultivating a found family or a sense of community is learning to receive and accepting support and accepting the help that is often available, but we shut ourselves off from asking for it.
And especially in these times of just, I don't know, not apocalypse, but apocalyptic feeling times.
(08:31):
I feel so committed to the reality that what we need to be doing is creating communities of care is learning how to show up for each other.
Or if not learning, some of us are already really good at that. It's leaning into that.
More than ever, I'm convinced that the personal is political and the small acts of love and care and support and service will have ripple effects, especially in the face of so much powerlessness, so much complete fuckery going on.
(09:06):
And so one of my invitations in this episode is to really think about like how do you like to be supported?
What feels supportive to you when you're having a hard time? And if you're having a hard time today, great, ask yourself that question and then like reach out to someone who loves you and get that support.
And if you're not having a hard time today, great, like think about the ways that you like to be supported and then reach out to the people who love you and just let them know.
(09:33):
And maybe have a conversation about how you like to support people, because those things can be different.
That makes me think of the five love languages, right? Of how we tend to communicate love isn't always the same way that we prefer to receive it.
So whether it's words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time, or physical touch, we all have kind of like different levels of engagement with that when it comes to wanting to receive love
(10:10):
and wanting to give love. And I don't know, like it's similar when it comes to wanting to give and receive support, because like let's be real, like support is a form of love.
That's what I'm talking about is like how can we love each other better during these fucking shit show times?
But I'm not talking about like romantic partnership. I'm talking about all of our relationships.
(10:34):
But all of those love languages still apply. Like I pretty much always want to hug and I want an awkwardly long hug always, because I live alone.
And like I crave human connection, right? But that's not true for other people.
And if I really want to support the people in my life, it's partly my responsibility to learn their preferences
(11:00):
and not impose my big bear hugs on folks who are less comfortable with physical contact, or who don't like get the same amount of nourishment from that.
I want to talk about my feelings all the time. That's part of who I am and how I exist in the world.
And it's been a big growth for me to just come to understand that like that's not how everybody wants to relate. The people that I am closest to are the ones that can hold space for that, but it's not always equally reciprocal.
(11:35):
I have beautiful humans in my life who can hold space for me crying, but aren't comfortable crying in front of other humans.
And that's okay. But it's a natural inclination when we see people in our lives hurting to want to help.
And it can get really hard when we try to help in the way that we want support, but that's not how they actually want support.
(11:58):
And so part of showing up for each other well is tuning into that and cultivating our own capacity for self-regulation when the people we love are hurting and don't want anything from us, when there's nothing we can actually do.
So often we want to make it better. That's normal. That's natural. We want to make it better when people are hurting and in so doing can often inadvertently make it worse.
(12:28):
I talked about this a little bit in my episode on normalizing the struggle.
But that's what toxic positivity means is when someone's hurting and we try to cheer them up or offer a sunny side or these sort of culturally normal but unhelpful phrases that leave people feeling like they're not allowed to just be hurting or be in the struggle.
(12:58):
It's so important to feel our feelings and it's so important to like not try to skip over the hard shit.
Sometimes we're just sad, sometimes we're just depressed, sometimes we're angry and all of those feelings are valid and real and need to be expressed.
And it can be really helpful to pay attention to which of those feelings we have the hardest time with.
(13:21):
I can totally be with people crying. I have so much capacity for your tears.
I have a much harder time being with and holding space for anger or fear.
These are scary times and for a lot of folks like processing fears out loud is a way of dispelling the energy and is really helpful.
(13:47):
I'm not a very good spaceholder for that and that's okay too, right?
When it comes to supporting each other, it's so important to not make anybody wrong around their needs.
In toxic positivity by Whitney Goodman, she has a whole section on complaining, which I thought was pretty great.
(14:13):
Because I do have a really hard time being with complaining, but I really like the way that she maps out.
That everybody has different reasons for complaining and different needs around complaining and that if you can actually identify like what is your goal in complaining,
that can make the experience better for everybody involved.
(14:34):
So she has like a whole section of tips for effective complaining.
I don't think that this is something that would be a very good idea to bring up when someone is complaining to you,
but like here's the public service announcement for those of us who are human and sometimes complain about things to think about now.
So the next time you're complaining to somebody, you can be like, oh, this is what I need. This is why I'm complaining.
(14:59):
So she offers these ideas of like, are you trying to make someone aware of an issue?
Do you want to enact change? Do you want to be heard? Do you want to be validated? Do you want advice?
And I love the different nuances of those things.
Thinking about when we are venting, when we are complaining, when we are purging, because that's also true of crying now that I think about it.
(15:26):
You know, like when I am sad and just talking about a thing, is it because I need to be heard? Is it because I need someone to validate me?
Do I need witnessing or do I need validation? Do I want advice?
Oh man, I am so guilty of wanting to offer advice. That has been a huge lift.
A muscle I have cultivated over time and with ongoing continued practice is that when people are talking to me about stuff,
(15:55):
I want to offer advice. We all want to solve problems. Most of us. I'll backtrack that all.
But like most of us want to solve the problem and sometimes that's oftentimes not what the other person wants or needs.
And sometimes it's not a problem to be solved.
A lot of my clients are scared and angry right now. A lot of my friends are scared and angry right now.
(16:19):
And we've been having conversations about how important it is to feel those feelings, like actually feel them, especially anger.
Like, yes, shits fucked, be mad, put that somewhere, channel it into something, go to a rage room, punch a punching bag,
really lean in and let yourself feel the feeling because otherwise it's just going to like stew and fester and swirl in your system until it has somewhere to go.
(16:48):
That's what completing the stress cycle is all about.
Like we get this buildup of energy and emotion and if we don't let it go somewhere, it fucks us up.
But I know for me there's a big difference between processing out loud and stewing in the energy or wallowing in it or just feeding it.
(17:11):
So I think it's always a really helpful question to ask myself when I'm like in my shit is, am I actually trying to get out of this shit?
Do I want to wallow in it? Sometimes I do. Sometimes I do just want to wallow in it.
And that can be difficult to be around.
But if I can name that, it makes it a lot easier on the people in my life that I do tell what's going on and let in.
(17:37):
Like, yeah, I'm just like in this right now and I kind of want to stay here now.
And so I really encourage anyone who's listening who like wants to show up well with the people in your life, have a conversation about this.
I really love the question of like, how do you like to show up for people?
(17:58):
I really like feeding people.
That's my go-to way for showing support and checking in on people.
I'm pretty good at that.
And again, that's usually largely the way that like I want to be showed up for.
But we all have unique strengths and things to offer.
And so letting people in our lives know like, here's what I've got to offer.
(18:22):
Do you want any of that from me at this time can be really helpful.
I have a friend who's like really good at and enjoys doing online research.
That's one of the ways that she likes to show up for people.
I have another friend who really likes and is good at and will offer to help with putting together shit around the house or like doing that kind of thing.
(18:49):
And those are not necessarily my go-to offers.
But I think treating people as they want to be treated is all about having this kind of conversation.
Which is important in non-apocalyptic grief filled times as well.
Just in general.
Like when you're having a hard time, how do you want to be supported?
(19:10):
And it can also be really helpful to come up with like signals.
Sometimes we're having a hard time and we don't know how to let people know.
And a dear friend of mine invited me to like have a shared emoji for that exact experience.
Like I don't want to talk about it, but I'm having a hard time and I just wanted to let you know.
We get to send each other the ghost emoji when that's happening.
(19:32):
And then that opened up a conversation for like, okay, then what do you want me to do?
And for me, it's like always send me cute animal pictures.
Like when I'm having a hard time, I just want people to check on me.
But that's not necessarily what other people want.
And that's why it's just always, always, always so important to talk about it.
(19:54):
So as I wind down this like rambly episode that may not have provided anything
particularly revelatory or revolutionary in your life,
my invitation is nevertheless to like have the conversation with the people you love
about how they want to be showed up for, how they like showing up for each other,
(20:15):
you know, and make it explicit instead of just assuming more and more and more.
I'm committed to how important it is to have these conversations,
to talk to each other, to communicate about what works for us and what doesn't,
and what we do have to give and what we don't.
Because we just get so tangled up in assumptions and expectations and hurt feelings
(20:39):
when we don't talk about stuff.
So I very much hope this episode felt supportive.
I invite you to ask yourself what you need and then turn to the person in your life
who has it to offer.
Don't turn to the person who doesn't have it to offer.
That's just going to make you feel worse.
But like if you're like, oh, I need a hug, then like go to your friend that gives good hugs.
(21:02):
If you need food, reach out to the friend that's an awesome cook.
Because people who are good at cooking like to feed people.
That's my untested hypothesis that I still feel pretty confident about.
You know, that like we really are going to have to lean on each other a lot in the coming forever.
(21:25):
But especially right now.
And the willingness to ask for what we want and need is courageous.
And it's a brave choice.
So that's my encouragement is to make a brave choice today and ask for what you need
from a person who seems likely to be able to give it to you.
Not from the person who you want to be different.
(21:48):
Don't go to Home Depot looking for milk, my love.
Go to Home Depot and get the hammer that you actually need today.
Thank you so much for listening.
If you enjoyed this episode, please help me grow the podcast by subscribing,
leaving a review and sharing it with anyone you think would benefit from hearing it too.
(22:09):
Your support means the world to me.
If you'd like to get updates about new episodes, posts, and offerings,
please visit SettlingIsBullshit.com to subscribe to my newsletter.
You can also find information there about working with me one-on-one to build your most amazing life.
Until next time, remember that I believe in you and that you are fucking awesome.
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