October 18, 2023 • 13 mins
What if the societal obsession with size was the true culprit behind sexual dissatisfaction? Find out as we debunk myths, bust taboos, and bring hard science to the bedroom in this refreshingly candid Study Session. With an insightful lens, we explore the oft-asked question, "Does size matter?" and reveal fascinating truths. Tune in as we dissect this topic from both biological and psychological perspectives, shedding light on prevalent misconceptions about size and its correlation to pleasure, function, and health.
Our discussions reveal an intriguing paradox - while size does matter to an extent, it does so not in the ways you would expect. We underline the role of individual preference and comfort, as opposed to societal standards dictated by media and pornography. You'll be intrigued by our exploration of studies revealing the true average preference, debunking the harmful obsession with size comparison. We even talk about a study highlighting how nearly a third of people are dissatisfied with their genitalia. Join us as we challenge societal norms, question cultural biases, and strive to shift the focus where it truly belongs - to health, satisfaction, and consent.
Follow us on social @sexeddebunked or send us a message at sexeddebunked@gmail.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Shannon (00:03):
This is Study Sessions brought to you by Sex Ed
Debunked.
Christine (00:06):
In these mini-sodes we'll discuss a myth suggested
to us by listeners.
Like you, Like what?
Shannon (00:11):
you hear, want to hear more?
Follow us on Instagram,facebook and Twitter at Sex Ed
Debunked to suggest new myths.
Provide your own show notes andgive us ideas for what to talk
about next.
Christine (00:20):
Now take some notes.
The study group is in session.
Hi, this is Study Sessions, abi-weekly Minnesota from Sex Ed
Debunked, where we talk abouttopics brought to us by you, our
listeners On this week'sepisode.
Shannon (00:37):
we're talking about the age-old question does size
matter?
Which, admittedly, might not bethe question on your mind,
shannon, but it's oftendiscussed by people here to let
you know that people of allorientations have to consider
the size of things that areinteracting with their bodies.
Christine (00:54):
True.
True, it's discussed by peoplewho have in play with penises,
so not generally a discussionconcerned with female parts
specifically.
Shannon (01:03):
Understood.
So two probably points ofdiscussion when it comes to the
size-mattering question.
One, biologically does itmatter?
Sure Like, does it actuallyaffect pleasure in your ability
to enjoy and to horizontal?
And two, the psychologicalimpact, because the question to
size matter is probably askedand considered and worried about
(01:25):
more than it actually matteringin practice.
Christine (01:26):
Very true, very true, and that's part of the reason
we're doing this Study Session.
So the answer to both questionsis yes, but not in the way you
might think.
Yes, size does matter.
Shannon (01:38):
It does matter.
Let me grab my popcorn.
Let's go.
Christine (01:41):
Well, first of all, biological size can mean length
or girth.
A lot of times people just talkabout length and medical
research has found on the plussize.
Penis size does not affectdesirability, function or health
.
So in that sense it doesn'tmatter at all.
(02:01):
But to some extent length orgirth can affect what parts of a
female vulva and vaginal canalare stimulated during
penetration.
So it might matter in terms offit but not matter in terms of
measurement.
Shannon (02:20):
Although the orgasm gap .
A big part of that is thatfemale bodies don't necessarily
reach orgasm through penetrationanyway, right?
Christine (02:26):
You are correct, bingo, but some women
nevertheless enjoy the feelingof feeling full or feeling
connected, regardless of whetheror not it leads to an orgasm.
So often, research tells usthat translates to a certain
girth, not length, which shouldbe comforting to some.
(02:49):
But what, yeah, so comforting?
Well, because I think peoplewith penises, when they get
fixated and they get anxiousabout things like size, they're
usually thinking about how longis it compared to others?
And the research studies thatare out there show that female
bodies rate penis girth as moreimportant than penis length.
(03:11):
In fact, some women reportexperiencing pain when the
length of the penis is longerthan average, because thrusting
can hit the cervix, which can bepainful.
So, in other words, biggerisn't always better in this
circumstance.
Shannon (03:26):
Well, also it's not a simple question of does size
matter?
There is more.
There is more that goes intothat.
Christine (03:31):
Exactly Because all body parts, all body parts come
in different sizes and differentflexibility, and for some
female bodies they canaccommodate more than others.
So it's not about looking atone size fits all literally.
It's about what, what bodieslike, what types of girth, what
types of length, but keeping inmind that it doesn't affect
(03:57):
function, it doesn't affecthealth, it doesn't affect
satisfaction, it's just aquestion of preference.
Shannon (04:04):
I think it's also worth pausing.
And you know, I think a submithhere is like well you know, if
a giant kind of accommodateanything because they can have a
woman push out babies, it'slike that's.
That is true.
That doesn't mean it'scomfortable, it doesn't mean
that every size is going to workWell.
Christine (04:20):
And also, pushing out babies is a process.
You don't just like wake up andpush out a baby.
You know you're going intolabor for a while, your body
gets accommodated, your vaginalcanal stretches, your cervix
stretches all of these thingshappen during that process and
not necessarily all of thosethings are happening during
sexual activity in that in thatlong, extended way Well and I
(04:44):
think when we asked the or whenthe question is asked of, does
size matter, people often thinkabout too small.
Shannon (04:49):
But there's also the flip side of like quote unquote
too big.
Christine (04:53):
And the question here is what, when, when the
fixation on size is like toosmall, too big, you got to keep
in mind what what the real, truescience says about the averages
.
Shannon (05:03):
Yeah, remember when we did the episode last year with
Miss Bloom and we talked about?
We were talking aboutpornography in the adult film
industry, but we were talkingalso about the exaggerations
nationwide of size.
And what was it Alabama thatabsolutely insisted they were
(05:24):
all niners.
Christine (05:27):
It's true and that's where this obsession comes from
is so much, there's so much pornavailable and so much which
leads to that social comparison.
But when we talk about the realnumbers, the real numbers say
the average penis size when notaroused is three and a half
inches and when aroused isbetween Not nine, alabama, no,
it's between five and five and ahalf.
(05:47):
So you're talking about theoutliers are being people who
are over, like six, six and ahalf.
It's like they say 5%.
So Alabama, unless you're inthe top 5%, well, it would be
the one category, alabama's thetop 5%.
But on the other side, forthose people with penises who
(06:08):
are anxious about it, even foreven for is like if you're for,
you're really kind of at the endof average anyway.
Okay, so it's not, it's notlike that unusual.
Shannon (06:22):
And we talked about this again.
We have covered this subject,you know, tangentially in other
episodes, but most men thinkthat the average size is six
inches, which it isn't, and mostwomen actually believe that the
penises that they've interactedwith are larger, so that's good
news for male listeners.
Women are very poor judges ofsize, as it turns out.
Christine (06:44):
They are, though, interestingly, the research says
that men who have sex with men,people with penises, who have
sex with people with penises,are actually better judges of
actual size.
Shannon (06:53):
Well, of course they are.
They have a better referencepoint.
Christine (06:55):
But for those of you in the heterosexual community,
you can know that your womenthink you're bigger than you are
anyway, which is interesting,which is really helpful.
Shannon (07:05):
So why?
Why, the obsession it's like?
Let's get to the part two,where there is the psychological
impact of it.
Christine (07:12):
Well, psychologically , we have.
We have.
We have porn there's, it'sreally available.
We have this idea that ispromulgated through media that
bigger is better and it's and itdoes.
It does permeate both sides.
You know, female bodies, malebodies, all of it seems to think
that bigger is better and it's.
It's kind of a cultural thingthat's really completely
(07:34):
misplaced.
When there was so, there was aninteresting research study done
where women were asked aboutlooking at actually 3D, like
printers of penises to evaluatewhich ones they liked and which
ones they didn't.
And really the women pointedout like six inches.
So it wasn't like they werepointing out seven, eight, nine,
(07:54):
and most women were just yeah,so most women were still looking
at the average as being whatthey wanted, even though society
says I want a big.
You know BBC, whatever.
You know those things.
In reality, the actualpreference is leaning towards
the average.
(08:15):
The average is perfectly greatand perfectly what's expected.
There is another study that waslooking at appearance and
suggests that heterosexual womenlooking for a one-night stand
might prefer a slightly larger,probably just for the cachet.
Shannon (08:33):
Yeah right to be able to be like.
Well, look what I did lastnight.
Christine (08:36):
Pretty much, but in long-term relationships, in
long-term relationships, youwant something that's more, you
know, comfortable and suits youractivity over the long-term, so
to speak.
Shannon (08:48):
So you know, okay, great Women, volvo-owning people
who enjoy interacting withpenises are like average, is
great, awesome.
But the truth is, too, thatpeople that own penises have a
lot of dissatisfaction with theappearance of their genitals
because of that cultural, youknow, stigma.
Christine (09:06):
Well, and that's across female bodies and male
bodies.
The research will show that,you know, a high percentage,
like a third of people this onestudy of 3,500 Swedish men and
women, almost a full third haddissatisfaction with their
genitalia.
And that's just a culturalproblem that we just we're so
constantly comparing ourselvesto other people and we don't
(09:28):
realize that.
You know, we're all different,we're all beautiful, it all
works just fine, and that's justa cultural thing we have to
break around from.
And unfortunately, what that'sled to is many male bodies with
penises wanting to haveenlargements and surgeries and
things like that, rather thansimply accepting who they are
(09:50):
and realizing that what they gotis perfectly fine.
Shannon (09:53):
That's a job done.
Christine (09:54):
But it really does talk about like stress and diet,
depression and that leads toactually not willing to be in
relationships and feeling likeI'm not good enough, and part of
the reason for this studysession is to say yes, you are.
Yes, you are.
Shannon (10:07):
And as a reminder, there are a lot of other ways to
get to orgasm than penetration.
Christine (10:12):
And you know, sometimes if you have less to
work with, you have more to workwith in terms of creativity.
But that's once again, it'syou're talking about the body
that you're having engaging insexual activity with.
Have some communication, justfigure out what works for you.
And it's not about, you know,the size.
The size is just one teeny tinyelement well, hopefully not
(10:35):
teeny tiny, but one element ofone element of the sexual
interaction that you're engagedin.
And so studies that have lookedat women and there's actually a
fair amount of studies, ofcourse you know, heterosexual
women, primarily because a lotof the anxiety is in the syshet
world of male bodies but saythat only about 50% say it's
(10:59):
somewhat important.
Yeah, now, that's somewhat.
It's just kind of like meh,it's one of the things I think
about A lot of wiggle room inthat somewhat, and in a lot of
those studies they're onlygiving the option of very
important, somewhat important,not important at all.
So you have half that saysomewhat important, but that
means like there's a quarterthat say I don't care at all.
So you think about that.
(11:21):
That breakdown is like there'sa very, you know, like maybe 10,
15% who really care at all.
Shannon (11:29):
And even within that somewhat important or very
important it's, they'reanswering that question based on
just sort of in general, isthis something that matters?
But again, once you're with apartner, you're going to figure
out different things that youlike and don't like and you're
going to establish differentcomfort with each other and
you're going to experiment andlike.
All of those things are goingto contribute to a healthy,
(11:49):
pleasurable sex life and they'renot going to revolve around the
most basic question of doessize?
Christine (11:53):
matter, right?
So the basic answer here issize does not matter for
physical function, for sexualsatisfaction, for being
desirable, it absolutely doesnot matter.
It does matter if you think itdoes.
Shannon (12:10):
So I guess it would be fair to say get out of your head
, Get, get out of your head.
Christine (12:16):
That's a good way of putting it, that's a good
reminder, you know, but that'sit.
It only matters if you think itmatters.
And so let's just kind of like,take this study session and
realize that that what'sactually going on in the real
world of science and in the realworld of relationships, it's
not that big of a deal to bethat big of a deal.
Shannon (12:38):
Yep, all right.
Well, that's a wrap on thisweek's study session.
Thank you for that.
As usual, we love hearing whattopics you'd like us to cover
every week.
Even the most simple basicsubjects.
We love to tackle them in thestudy sessions.
But if you have any ideas forfull length episodes and myths
you'd like us to debunk whateveryou've got, set it over to us
at sexeddebunkedgmailcom or onany of the socials at
(12:59):
sexeddebunked.
Take care everyone.
See you next time.
Christine (13:11):
Sexed Debunked is produced by Trailblaze Media in
Providence, rhode Island, forsound producers Ezra Winters,
with production assistance fromShay Weintraub.
This is Study Sessions brought to you by Sex Ed
Debunked.
Christine (00:06):
In these mini-sodes we'll discuss a myth suggested
to us by listeners.
Like you, Like what?
Shannon (00:11):
you hear, want to hear more?
Follow us on Instagram,facebook and Twitter at Sex Ed
Debunked to suggest new myths.
Provide your own show notes andgive us ideas for what to talk
about next.
Christine (00:20):
Now take some notes.
The study group is in session.
Hi, this is Study Sessions, abi-weekly Minnesota from Sex Ed
Debunked, where we talk abouttopics brought to us by you, our
listeners On this week'sepisode.
Shannon (00:37):
we're talking about the age-old question does size
matter?
Which, admittedly, might not bethe question on your mind,
shannon, but it's oftendiscussed by people here to let
you know that people of allorientations have to consider
the size of things that areinteracting with their bodies.
Christine (00:54):
True.
True, it's discussed by peoplewho have in play with penises,
so not generally a discussionconcerned with female parts
specifically.
Shannon (01:03):
Understood.
So two probably points ofdiscussion when it comes to the
size-mattering question.
One, biologically does itmatter?
Sure Like, does it actuallyaffect pleasure in your ability
to enjoy and to horizontal?
And two, the psychologicalimpact, because the question to
size matter is probably askedand considered and worried about
(01:25):
more than it actually matteringin practice.
Christine (01:26):
Very true, very true, and that's part of the reason
we're doing this Study Session.
So the answer to both questionsis yes, but not in the way you
might think.
Yes, size does matter.
Shannon (01:38):
It does matter.
Let me grab my popcorn.
Let's go.
Christine (01:41):
Well, first of all, biological size can mean length
or girth.
A lot of times people just talkabout length and medical
research has found on the plussize.
Penis size does not affectdesirability, function or health
.
So in that sense it doesn'tmatter at all.
(02:01):
But to some extent length orgirth can affect what parts of a
female vulva and vaginal canalare stimulated during
penetration.
So it might matter in terms offit but not matter in terms of
measurement.
Shannon (02:20):
Although the orgasm gap .
A big part of that is thatfemale bodies don't necessarily
reach orgasm through penetrationanyway, right?
Christine (02:26):
You are correct, bingo, but some women
nevertheless enjoy the feelingof feeling full or feeling
connected, regardless of whetheror not it leads to an orgasm.
So often, research tells usthat translates to a certain
girth, not length, which shouldbe comforting to some.
(02:49):
But what, yeah, so comforting?
Well, because I think peoplewith penises, when they get
fixated and they get anxiousabout things like size, they're
usually thinking about how longis it compared to others?
And the research studies thatare out there show that female
bodies rate penis girth as moreimportant than penis length.
(03:11):
In fact, some women reportexperiencing pain when the
length of the penis is longerthan average, because thrusting
can hit the cervix, which can bepainful.
So, in other words, biggerisn't always better in this
circumstance.
Shannon (03:26):
Well, also it's not a simple question of does size
matter?
There is more.
There is more that goes intothat.
Christine (03:31):
Exactly Because all body parts, all body parts come
in different sizes and differentflexibility, and for some
female bodies they canaccommodate more than others.
So it's not about looking atone size fits all literally.
It's about what, what bodieslike, what types of girth, what
types of length, but keeping inmind that it doesn't affect
(03:57):
function, it doesn't affecthealth, it doesn't affect
satisfaction, it's just aquestion of preference.
Shannon (04:04):
I think it's also worth pausing.
And you know, I think a submithhere is like well you know, if
a giant kind of accommodateanything because they can have a
woman push out babies, it'slike that's.
That is true.
That doesn't mean it'scomfortable, it doesn't mean
that every size is going to workWell.
Christine (04:20):
And also, pushing out babies is a process.
You don't just like wake up andpush out a baby.
You know you're going intolabor for a while, your body
gets accommodated, your vaginalcanal stretches, your cervix
stretches all of these thingshappen during that process and
not necessarily all of thosethings are happening during
sexual activity in that in thatlong, extended way Well and I
(04:44):
think when we asked the or whenthe question is asked of, does
size matter, people often thinkabout too small.
Shannon (04:49):
But there's also the flip side of like quote unquote
too big.
Christine (04:53):
And the question here is what, when, when the
fixation on size is like toosmall, too big, you got to keep
in mind what what the real, truescience says about the averages
.
Shannon (05:03):
Yeah, remember when we did the episode last year with
Miss Bloom and we talked about?
We were talking aboutpornography in the adult film
industry, but we were talkingalso about the exaggerations
nationwide of size.
And what was it Alabama thatabsolutely insisted they were
(05:24):
all niners.
Christine (05:27):
It's true and that's where this obsession comes from
is so much, there's so much pornavailable and so much which
leads to that social comparison.
But when we talk about the realnumbers, the real numbers say
the average penis size when notaroused is three and a half
inches and when aroused isbetween Not nine, alabama, no,
it's between five and five and ahalf.
(05:47):
So you're talking about theoutliers are being people who
are over, like six, six and ahalf.
It's like they say 5%.
So Alabama, unless you're inthe top 5%, well, it would be
the one category, alabama's thetop 5%.
But on the other side, forthose people with penises who
(06:08):
are anxious about it, even foreven for is like if you're for,
you're really kind of at the endof average anyway.
Okay, so it's not, it's notlike that unusual.
Shannon (06:22):
And we talked about this again.
We have covered this subject,you know, tangentially in other
episodes, but most men thinkthat the average size is six
inches, which it isn't, and mostwomen actually believe that the
penises that they've interactedwith are larger, so that's good
news for male listeners.
Women are very poor judges ofsize, as it turns out.
Christine (06:44):
They are, though, interestingly, the research says
that men who have sex with men,people with penises, who have
sex with people with penises,are actually better judges of
actual size.
Shannon (06:53):
Well, of course they are.
They have a better referencepoint.
Christine (06:55):
But for those of you in the heterosexual community,
you can know that your womenthink you're bigger than you are
anyway, which is interesting,which is really helpful.
Shannon (07:05):
So why?
Why, the obsession it's like?
Let's get to the part two,where there is the psychological
impact of it.
Christine (07:12):
Well, psychologically , we have.
We have.
We have porn there's, it'sreally available.
We have this idea that ispromulgated through media that
bigger is better and it's and itdoes.
It does permeate both sides.
You know, female bodies, malebodies, all of it seems to think
that bigger is better and it's.
It's kind of a cultural thingthat's really completely
(07:34):
misplaced.
When there was so, there was aninteresting research study done
where women were asked aboutlooking at actually 3D, like
printers of penises to evaluatewhich ones they liked and which
ones they didn't.
And really the women pointedout like six inches.
So it wasn't like they werepointing out seven, eight, nine,
(07:54):
and most women were just yeah,so most women were still looking
at the average as being whatthey wanted, even though society
says I want a big.
You know BBC, whatever.
You know those things.
In reality, the actualpreference is leaning towards
the average.
(08:15):
The average is perfectly greatand perfectly what's expected.
There is another study that waslooking at appearance and
suggests that heterosexual womenlooking for a one-night stand
might prefer a slightly larger,probably just for the cachet.
Shannon (08:33):
Yeah right to be able to be like.
Well, look what I did lastnight.
Christine (08:36):
Pretty much, but in long-term relationships, in
long-term relationships, youwant something that's more, you
know, comfortable and suits youractivity over the long-term, so
to speak.
Shannon (08:48):
So you know, okay, great Women, volvo-owning people
who enjoy interacting withpenises are like average, is
great, awesome.
But the truth is, too, thatpeople that own penises have a
lot of dissatisfaction with theappearance of their genitals
because of that cultural, youknow, stigma.
Christine (09:06):
Well, and that's across female bodies and male
bodies.
The research will show that,you know, a high percentage,
like a third of people this onestudy of 3,500 Swedish men and
women, almost a full third haddissatisfaction with their
genitalia.
And that's just a culturalproblem that we just we're so
constantly comparing ourselvesto other people and we don't
(09:28):
realize that.
You know, we're all different,we're all beautiful, it all
works just fine, and that's justa cultural thing we have to
break around from.
And unfortunately, what that'sled to is many male bodies with
penises wanting to haveenlargements and surgeries and
things like that, rather thansimply accepting who they are
(09:50):
and realizing that what they gotis perfectly fine.
Shannon (09:53):
That's a job done.
Christine (09:54):
But it really does talk about like stress and diet,
depression and that leads toactually not willing to be in
relationships and feeling likeI'm not good enough, and part of
the reason for this studysession is to say yes, you are.
Yes, you are.
Shannon (10:07):
And as a reminder, there are a lot of other ways to
get to orgasm than penetration.
Christine (10:12):
And you know, sometimes if you have less to
work with, you have more to workwith in terms of creativity.
But that's once again, it'syou're talking about the body
that you're having engaging insexual activity with.
Have some communication, justfigure out what works for you.
And it's not about, you know,the size.
The size is just one teeny tinyelement well, hopefully not
(10:35):
teeny tiny, but one element ofone element of the sexual
interaction that you're engagedin.
And so studies that have lookedat women and there's actually a
fair amount of studies, ofcourse you know, heterosexual
women, primarily because a lotof the anxiety is in the syshet
world of male bodies but saythat only about 50% say it's
(10:59):
somewhat important.
Yeah, now, that's somewhat.
It's just kind of like meh,it's one of the things I think
about A lot of wiggle room inthat somewhat, and in a lot of
those studies they're onlygiving the option of very
important, somewhat important,not important at all.
So you have half that saysomewhat important, but that
means like there's a quarterthat say I don't care at all.
So you think about that.
(11:21):
That breakdown is like there'sa very, you know, like maybe 10,
15% who really care at all.
Shannon (11:29):
And even within that somewhat important or very
important it's, they'reanswering that question based on
just sort of in general, isthis something that matters?
But again, once you're with apartner, you're going to figure
out different things that youlike and don't like and you're
going to establish differentcomfort with each other and
you're going to experiment andlike.
All of those things are goingto contribute to a healthy,
(11:49):
pleasurable sex life and they'renot going to revolve around the
most basic question of doessize?
Christine (11:53):
matter, right?
So the basic answer here issize does not matter for
physical function, for sexualsatisfaction, for being
desirable, it absolutely doesnot matter.
It does matter if you think itdoes.
Shannon (12:10):
So I guess it would be fair to say get out of your head
, Get, get out of your head.
Christine (12:16):
That's a good way of putting it, that's a good
reminder, you know, but that'sit.
It only matters if you think itmatters.
And so let's just kind of like,take this study session and
realize that that what'sactually going on in the real
world of science and in the realworld of relationships, it's
not that big of a deal to bethat big of a deal.
Shannon (12:38):
Yep, all right.
Well, that's a wrap on thisweek's study session.
Thank you for that.
As usual, we love hearing whattopics you'd like us to cover
every week.
Even the most simple basicsubjects.
We love to tackle them in thestudy sessions.
But if you have any ideas forfull length episodes and myths
you'd like us to debunk whateveryou've got, set it over to us
at sexeddebunkedgmailcom or onany of the socials at
(12:59):
sexeddebunked.
Take care everyone.
See you next time.
Christine (13:11):
Sexed Debunked is produced by Trailblaze Media in
Providence, rhode Island, forsound producers Ezra Winters,
with production assistance fromShay Weintraub.
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Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!