Ep 62: Anger and Emotional Expression in a Relationship

Episode Transcript
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Meg O'Neill (00:00):
Through embracing and owning my full fucking

(00:03):
spectrum that I meet mywholeness and I come into the
full aliveness and full powerthat's, you know, available to
me as woman. And so that meantno longer pushing down my anger
no longer saying, I'm not anangry person. I don't get angry.
I've surpassed that emotion itwas. Can I be the woman that

(00:25):
allows anger to take up space inher body? Can I allow anger to
take up space in my body and notmake that mean? I'm not
spiritual not make that mean.
I'm not a good woman. Not makethat mean anything about myself?
Can I just let that energy bepresent in my body? Can I let
that expression be alive in me?

Jacob O'Neill (00:53):
Yo, yo, yo lovers, welcome. Welcome.
Welcome to sex, love andeverything in between where the
O'Neill's you're here with Megand Jacob. And

this is the place we have really uncensored
conversations about sex,intimacy and relationships.
We're super excited. You'rehere. Enjoy this episode.

Yo, yo, lovers.
Hi. Hi,

beautiful humans.

How are you? My love?

I am great.

Today's a good day.

I'm feeling a little tired. But

life is good. All in all.

Yeah, I just had to I just had a 90 minute chat to
the tax department. Yeah, how'dthat go? It was amazing. I love
really beautiful conversationwith a woman on the phone.
Because he was reallysupportive. And I was just
saying that like, gettingusually though, like I was on
hold for 45 minutes or likewaiting to, you know, get on the
phone for 45 minutes, and thenactually chatting to her for 45

(01:57):
minutes. And sometimes I wouldbe a real victim after those
kind of conversation that thatwas hard. And that took so long.
You're

really putting on your big girl pants and doing
things aren't you? I

am doing the hard things lately.

Unknown (02:13):
Yeah, you've without complaining about them? Yeah,
you're doing a very good job ofthat. Thank you.

It's been a big ride.

It's been challenging things happening.

I think it's so hard when you've had success to
a degree like you've had acertain level of success. And
then you go through like a lessexpansive period, it's not
necessarily worse, it's justthat you're no longer expanding
or things aren't as amplified asthey used to be. And then you've
got it actually, like,structurally make sure

(02:44):
everything's structurally soundto continue to the next step. I

think that's business. Like, I think I was in
a really immature stage of mybusiness when I had all of that
rapid growth.

Unknown (02:56):
Yeah. And

I have been known for brought back down to earth
but just really realizing thatbe if you want to create a
sustainable business and a longterm business that takes like,
such a depth of responsibility.
Yeah. And I think for the firstpart of my business, when I had
big growth, I wasn't reallydidn't have a great relationship
with the responsibility. And nowI'm

Unknown (03:23):
now I'm healing that.
Totally

calling the tax department and doing other
things. Yeah,

it takes a it takes a level of humility as
well. I believe, like, it's soeasy to sweep those things under
the rug and be like, I'm notlooking at that I'm just
focusing on growth expandingyour ego. And for me, that's
been a big one of the biggesthumbling is like actually
talking to the accountantactually doing all the things
that I need to do actuallymaking sure it's all balanced
and that my payment plan withthe ATO is fucking organized,

(03:52):
and it's all just, it's alljust, to me, it's the most
boring shit, but it's like,that's the like, once again,
it's kind of like what we speakabout with relationships. You
know, sometimes the things thatmake you feel the most free are
the things that are not thatmuch that don't feel that
freeing. With relationships,sometimes the best sex comes
from doing the most unsexythings

Unknown (04:12):
agreed. Okay, grade.

So yeah, ATO shadow. Well,

I don't actually even know in a shout out

to the mysterious one. The beautiful lady at the
ATO,

beautiful lady. And for those listening, go into the
thing you've been avoiding. Ifyou're in business, especially
going to the thing you've beenavoiding in your business, go
yes. Go do it now. Even pausethis podcast and go and do it.
And then come back and you'll beliberated as you listen. And
this

will land so much more deeper.

Unknown (04:43):
Yes.

Liberate yourself. What are we talking
about today? My love? Well, we

had a podcast party on the weekend.

I look at the camera show. Look

Unknown (04:52):
at you. I would prefer your eyes. Okay.

Is it gonna look a little bit crazy? I'm just
staring down the camera and

I'm just looking at you. We have Podcast party on
the weekend.

We did. How's it go? So

much? Fucking fun.
Yeah, so much fucking fun. Itwent unbelievably well,

you had an awesome crew rockin.

I just had a meeting with our business
manager earlier. And she waslike, did you guys employ an
event planner? No.

Unknown (05:19):
That looked legit.

She was like, someone did someone else do
that? was like, No, that was allus. It was all us. It was all
us. It felt so fun. You know,you do a lot more live events
and things than me. But yoursare mainly on the land. Yeah,
and very

pretty monitor.
These ones this was

yeah, this was very aesthetically beautiful in the
space and all the things andyeah, I'm so fucking proud of
what we created. And and thehumans there the community that
arrived in the space. We're justso great and so engaged and it
was so much fun. It was an epicdance floor. Yeah. was such a
good night.

What was your favorite? were three of your
favorite moments.

Three of my favorite moments, I loved the
dance floor at the beginning ofthe night.

Yeah, peach DJ, dance barn bakes that. Go Coast
throw

up peaches and cream and some of us were like
spraying create the whippedcream onto the peaches and like
licking it off. That was reallyfun. I would

like to lick whipped cream off your page.

Would you actually yes. Do you actually like
whipped cream? I had the tiniestbit because I was like, I don't
like dairy and

everyone loves dairy and sugar. That's just a
limiting belief that you have.

Which I've never heard that

desire to like you're hearing it now.

Okay, well, when I go out this afternoon, what if I
come home with a can of whippedcream?

Unknown (06:50):
I'm gonna lick it off your Pete

Okay, that was one. What's the next which?

Side? Can we just say? Do you know what I'm gonna
say? No.

Unknown (07:03):
What story? The story?
Yeah.

Cry loving. And I don't even remember the details
that much of this. But it wasprobably three

Unknown (07:13):
or four years ago now.
And what did I ask

for this? No, I was just leaning in to the
relationship in a way that Inever had done before. And Jacob

brought chocolate into the bedroom. Melted
chocolate. So you've melted it?
Yeah. So you went and put it onlike the stove and melted it?

I assume so. I

Unknown (07:31):
can't exactly remember that. So and then you brought it
in? And then you were likeputting it all over me? Yeah.
Now are you looking at off?
Yeah,

there was just a point where it's like, I think
you have more than you startedlaughing and then it just looked
like shit. Funny, and I was justlike, This is not sexy at all.

made on your on your page that I see it at all.
Like you're posting notes justlike it looked like gross.

Unknown (07:59):
Literally shit on me.

It wasn't as sexy as I thought it was gonna be. I
enjoyed licking the chocolateoff like it tasted good, but it
just looked. It didn't lookgood.

Unknown (08:11):
But then you were also kind of laughing and like it was
just like, yeah, it didn't feel.

I wouldn't say that. Yeah, it didn't feel like
I was really penetrating youwith my presence and my deep
passion. It was more me gigglinglike a little boy. It was crazy.
Yeah. So I asked to stop. Youdid and then you had to go and
wash off.

Unknown (08:30):
Wash the chocolate chips off me. Yeah, I do. Like
remember that time I like fat. Iblindfolded you and like I was
just the computer. I fed youdifferent things. That was fun.

Yeah. A bit funny about central eating. But um, I
remember that being being fun.
Yeah.

Unknown (08:54):
Yeah, you're a bit funny about relinquishing

control. Yes.
That's what you're finding it.
It's just leaving it someonefeeding you. Come on

to this podcast we theropods. Today I came on
here to talk about a completelydifferent topic that we haven't
even got to yet. So

this has been any other food related? Sex stories
we want to bring in? No, I

remember. When we did naked yoga, we had to feed
stories to each other. Iremember that being quite a fun
shout out

to Rosie race.
Yeah. So Rosie Reese, founder ofYanni pleasure palace, maybe six
months into our relationship.
Yeah. Yeah. Cuz it would havebeen six months. I heard about
this naked yoga class that Rosiewas running. And I invited
Jacob, and we went in Brisbane.
And that was, that would havebeen a route did that feel like

(09:48):
a real edge for you? Yeah,massively even remembering back
to I thought that was quite boldof me to invite you. Yeah,

it was very like, it was I was just really into By
then I was like, Yeah, this iscool. It was really hot. Yeah,
it was really sexy. Yeah. Whatdo you reckon? Should we do it
again? Yeah, we should What wereyou thinking? Thinking

of? Like the other people like sometimes you would
be there was one movie phasedout we cat coward. Yeah, and you
were cat counting. I think youwere looking at like, been lives
pussy and butthole but I waslooking at someone else
I want to look at my man. Notnot man.

I just remember that there was one guy one
couple there that they were thethey were the high achievers
when it came to nude. nudistnude history. Yes. nudism and he
was actually sharing how he was.
He managed many differentFacebook groups, Facebook groups
for the nudists, nudists ofNorth Brisbane gardening nudist

(10:58):
enthusiast all of thesedifferent Facebook groups and I
was just like, I don't he wasvery, very vocal about his his
new display lifestyle. He

wanted it to be very known that this was a
normal night for him. I'm notmeaning any edges. This is
normal for me. This is a regularTuesday night

this year. I'd be doing this anyway. Yeah, yeah.
Well, talk Mark see you brother.
This is very new to me.

Okay, well back to the podcast body. Yeah. So your
three Did I did I

get one? Yep. Um

What else loved the sex panel? Yeah,

that was awesome with you, Lola and Eleanor. Love
it that so

much. And also, I was I just loved how engaged
everyone was with with thequestions. Last epic questions
people were really engaging inthe conversation is just
incredible. And I loved this thefourth one, but I also just
loved meeting our community andmeeting people that you know, I
connected with online, but nevergot to meet in the flesh or

(12:10):
meeting brand new people that Ihad no idea, you know, listen to
the podcast or where we'recoming. So that was it was just
so beautiful to be in the flesh.
I want to do in person eventsall the time. Now.

Unknown (12:22):
Don't think that before an event, it's a lot of work for
an event. I'm like, fuck this.

It's a lot of work to do. But it always when
when you pull it off the waythat we did, like, it was
another sort of moment of like,oh, this is awesome. We've,
we've brought people together.
We've had great conversations.
We've served really beautifullyhere. And I yeah, I like to
think of like, it doesn'tmatter. What I make out of it,
or what success I deem is like,was was I've service and did

(12:51):
this, you know, support peoplein? In creating better
relationships, deeper moments oftruth. I was like, Fuck, yeah. I
love the food. Food was great.
The food was incredible. I lovedthe love, just like everyone
walking and everyone was soeveryone was dressed so nice and
stylish and sexy as hell. Sogood to see everyone just like
rolling in. It was like reallynice to see that everyone had

(13:13):
like, rocked up just yet welldressed. There's so many good
outfits. And then the third onewas I really loved. What else
did I love? I really loved thefinal q&a section for us. That
was Mike. I really enjoyed that.
That was one of my favoritebits. I really enjoyed the back

(13:33):
and forth. Yeah, and shout outto you guys on the second
panelist some really hilariousand just awesome moments of and
it was cool to see three womenwho are in an industry doing
similar yet uniquely differentthings all speak so powerfully
on specific topics or specificquestions that have such a
passionate and certain answerfor that question from three

(14:00):
different points of view. And itwas really great to hear you
lower Eleanor speak on thosethings. Yeah.

You guys listening are all going to get access to
the recordings. We're going todrop that in probably two weeks
time. Yeah, we got in a coupleof weeks and have three
different kinds of one plus

two plus three.
Yeah. So

Unknown (14:16):
watch, watch. Watch, watch. Watch this space. Yes.
Anyway, anyway, we

had so we had this final q&a on Saturday night, and
we didn't get time to answer allthe questions can are a lot of
questions. And one of our dearfriends came up to us at the
end. And, you know, asked aquestion that that he had, and
we're actually going to devotethe rest of the podcast to
answering this because it's agreat motherfucking question.

Such a great question and very relevant

to before the podcast because you were feeling
angry of eight

is very relevant.
Not right not to ask right now,but it's a relevant question for
relationships. Yeah,

Unknown (14:54):
totally. You weren't feeling angry me?

I was feeling angry. Yes.

Unknown (14:58):
Let's bring it to the mind. I can take this Kenny,

you weren't listening to what I was telling
you. You weren't obeying myrule. Can you please stop?

Okay, what was what was the question? The question
was

around bringing your anger into your or your
rage or your expression of thatinto your relationship? And how
do you how do you do that? As aman? How do you do that as a
woman? And what are the positiveand negative effects of that?
And what are the different waysin which you bring it? And can
that be the difference betweenpositive and negative? That's a
sort of extrapolated version ofthe question. But yeah, the
essence was, how do you youknow, what do you do when you're

(15:34):
feeling rage and you want tobring it to your relationship or
you want it you want it to beseen whilst you're in, in
proximity to your partner? Yeah,

and I think you know, we speak especially in my
work I speak a lot about beingfully expressed in relationship
and revealing to your partnerand bringing the truth. And I
think this is such a beautifultopic we get to dive into to
bring the nuances to thatbecause it's very different to
cleanly bring your rage andanger which means without

(16:05):
projection, versus uncleanly toItaly, Italy uncleanly bring
your rage and anger which ismore like projecting that onto
your partner on to the person inthe space.

Unknown (16:21):
Yes, yeah.

When when our friend asked us this question, I
had a story come up immediatelyaround. I think it was probably
seven years ago now is veryearly on in our relationship or
a few years in and this was whenin my art I was in my spiritual
bypass, he kind of veer off.

I don't want you to, I don't want you to call it
that. I think you're just inyour puppy dog stage. Oh, you
went by passing Okay, let's nottalk about that timing of your
life is bypassing because youdefinitely weren't bypassing
okay, you just hadn't descendedinto your dark like the darkness
yet into your body deeply intoyour body. Don't Don't say that.
Which is bypassing it's not nobecause you didn't it would be

(17:04):
bypassing if you knew youtotally you hadn't yet and we
were still very early on in ourjourney. So I think that you're
exactly where you're at you wentbypass and you're at the stage
you're at if you are stilloperating like that now. Yeah,
and I will not I will not letyou speak ill of her. Because
she is a massive part of you andshe is what got you here so I
will not I will not

have that I love you. Okay, I was in my puppy dog
stages spirituality, you loveand light. I was very lucky. I
was in my love and light era.
Yeah, I was very much AbrahamHicks, your thoughts create your
reality. Get in the vortexmanifestation

manifest.

And my my, my beliefs were stay high vibe. And
that's the way to get what youwant. So anger, sadness, grief,
any of these emotions I saw aslike low vibrational emotions.
And if I was to play in thatarea, they weren't serving me
and what I wanted. Right, Ithought it I truly believed like

(18:06):
this was my belief system backthen. That anyone that was
expressing anger wasn't asspiritually evolved as me. Yes,
I used to look at people thatwere expressing anger and just
be like, you're not quite thereyet.

Did you have those exact thoughts? Yes.
Totally. Okay,

I felt better than people angry people.

Unknown (18:29):
I truly did. Do you not think I would have

no I just think it's like, yeah, you you think
oh, anger is like such a lowvibrational? Yeah. Energy

and I would have just been like, yeah, do some
yoga and meditation and you needto, you need to find the
spiritual path and then and thenyou won't ever get angry,
gentle, gentle and you'll justnever get angry and you'll never
be angry at anything. I don'tget angry have I've supposed the
emotion of anger. I have risen.
So that was that was where I wasplaying. Yeah. And we were
driving somewhere and we justpulled up at a friend's place.

(19:02):
You know, you and I in the carand you had this big smoothie.
And as we pulled up you knockedthe smoothie. And the smoothie
went all over the car. And forthose of you that don't know
Jacob loves cleanliness. Jacobloves

Unknown (19:20):
friendliness.

I'm just just remembering this moment it makes
me still

you you still yeah whenever you whenever you drop
something on mess up somethingyour lead that's when you're
hardest on yourself. Yes.

So I dropped this mean drop

this movie. And you think you just like huffed like
you were just like, Ah, I

went fucking a punch of staring real hard.
Stealing real steering wheelreally hard.

Okay, yeah, you punch the wheel and then what
did you say? Fuck yeah, and Ithink I just like froze a little
I just sat there. And I don'tremember if we had a
conversation but what I doremember is like, believing that
expression was wrong. Youexpressing in that way was
wrong. And that you could havejust been like, Oh, I dropped my

(20:15):
smoothie. Bomb. Ah, yeah.
Everything's always working out.

Yeah, that was not gonna happen. And

so I don't remember the conversation, but I remember
making you feel wrong for that.
Yes. I remember making you feellike you shouldn't have done
that. And that was Yeah, almostyou should have felt ashamed for
for expressing the anger. Do youwant to share anything about
that? That experience at all?

Yeah. No, I just really feel it. Yeah. Like I
remember you hopping out of thecar and having to like, I need
to hop out of the car. I need toget away from this. Yeah. And as
soon as you do that, I felt likefuck, what have I done? Yeah,
I'm not allowed to be like this.
And that's my biggest wound isnot allowed to be loud and
assertive and aggressive andtake up space. Yeah. And yeah,
that felt it felt like thesmoothie we all through the car

(21:10):
was really fucking bad. But thenthat feeling of like, you're not
like not really feeling safe,somewhat around that was like,
that sucked even more. Yeah,yeah. And I want to, I hadn't
really shown any of that to youeither. That's the other thing
is like, I've never reallybrought that into our
relationship. So it wasn't like,I was doing it regularly. But it
was like that was very out ofcharacter for me. Yeah, and

(21:32):
that. That really was like, amoment in time. And then I was
like, okay, don't do that again.
And then I wanted to rein thatin, hide that part of me again.

Yeah, and then, for me, I just want to take this
from my perspective to beginwith, and I'd love to hear your
thoughts for me then in the nextfew years, that's when I really
took that descent into my body.
And I you know, how to had ahuge feminine awakening and
sexual awakening and really, youknow, moved out of my love and
light era and began to realizethat it was through embracing

(22:16):
and owning my full fuckingspectrum that I meet my
wholeness and I come into thefull aliveness and full power
that's you know, available to meas woman and so that meant no
longer pushing down my anger nolonger saying I'm not an angry
person. I don't get angry. I'vesurpassed that emotion it was

(22:39):
can I be the woman that allowsanger to take up space in her
body? Can I allow anger to takeup space in my body and not make
that mean? I'm not spiritual notmake that mean? I'm not a good
woman. Not make that meananything about myself? Can I
just let that energy be presentin my body? Can I let that

(22:59):
expression be alive in me? And Ibegan to realize like that's the
fucking feminine right? Shedoesn't give a fuck what she
feels she just wants to feelright she's not just hanging out
in love and light she's like,Give me it all. Like let me
taste all the bucking flavorsand find myself in each of them.

That's definitely the dark feminine for sure.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that that likevolcanic like thunderstorm tidal
wave like, like the you know,walking along the path of like
total annihilation and crediblenourishment. Like I often think
of like the monsoonal season inbarley and it's like, this is so
hectic, all of this fuckingrain. But then once it clears,

(23:46):
it's like the place is justvibrant and life giving and all
the fruits and all of the justlike gives back is back is back.
And that to me is kind of likewhat I felt like the descent or
the Awakening was for us, likedeepening into this this this
this this part of the feminineand then from that the fruits of

(24:08):
your loins No, no, I don't knowwhere I was going with that. But
yeah, there was it for fruit. Itwas very good

um, yeah, I feel like something I always say is
like when a woman cages of anypart of herself, she cages up
her power. That was myexperience. It was like, Oh,
I've made anger wrong withinmyself. But in doing that, I'm
actually caging up a part ofmyself which is a part of my
power. And so I really began thejourney of just allowing not

(24:43):
only anger and rage but otheremotions that I'd made wrong or
I was ashamed over I didn'tthink was spiritual. Like, I I
allowed that them to take upspace in my body. I practice
being a woman that felt them andexpress them. And that was
fucking huge in my own body, buthow that rippled out is suddenly
I wasn't triggered by yourexpression when you brought

(25:09):
that. Yeah. And suddenly itwasn't. Oh my gosh, how dare he?
How dare he bring that? That'swrong. It was I can. He's
allowed to express that.

This is welcome here.

This is this is welcome. I don't even need to
have an opinion on this. Youcan, and you do. So even even
packing the trailer forSaturday, I think something
happened and you were like, youjust yelled really loudly, like
FOC or something like that. AndI'm just just like, oh, like
that's, that's just you inexpression. You're not throwing

(25:47):
that at me. You're not sayingthat at me. You're just letting
that's a way you let that energytake up space in your body. And
it's actually I'm so grateful.
You're a man that does that,because you're liberating
yourself. You know, you're not aman that gets stuck in that
emotion. But you, you let thatbe an expression and you move
through that.

That's the and I think it's so important. You
spoke about the clean and theunclean, or that God and that
for me is like the difference aswe cultivate a relationship with
our our lifeforce, which can beseen as anger, or rage or
whatever. But as we cultivateour relationship with the
emotion of anger, we learn toexpress it in a healthy way and

(26:29):
not project it, which is anunhealthy expression. Yeah, so
we're pointing the finger andwith we're using it to attack
another human rather, it's justan expression. It's just
literally a sound and, and afeeling and a movement that
comes through our body.

And when we, in partnership can, you know, it
starts off in our own bodies, weneed to build a relationship
with that part of ourselves, weneed to give ourselves
permission to be able to expressand feel anger and rage in that
part of us, in order to be ableto welcome it in another and

(27:08):
that can be fucking huge,especially if you have grown up
in a household where anger wasexpressed very uncleanly. Right.
And very volcanically, and very,you know, very unsafely
reactive,

like, there's someone in your family who is
very reactive. And would youwould take things personally and
then use anger to attack or totry and win against, you know,
whether it was your mother or toyour father? Or was it whether
it was one of your parents toyou and your siblings, or one of
your siblings to you, if there'ssomeone that's reactive and uses
anger as a, as a way to win byprojecting it all over the

(27:46):
place, then yeah, you're notgoing to feel very, it's very
likely that you're not going tofeel comfortable in your own
anger, let alone anger withanyone else.

And this can take some time to unravel those
stories and unravel thatimprint. To be able to build a
relationship with anger, that's,that's a different texture,
right? It's not this uncleananger that's used as a weapon,
or used as a projection, butit's just the texture. It's the
energy, it's the clean energy ofanger, that just wants to be

(28:17):
expressed and embodied. Yes. Andso that's what we're really
speaking about here. And we'llspeak about the difference more,
I'm sure. But that is fuckingpowerful when we learn to bring
our anger cleanly into ourrelationship, which to me just
simply means feeling it andbeing witnessed feeling it,

(28:37):
right, not trying to throw it atour partner and be like, I'm
feeling this way because of you.
Not trying to grab that angerout of our body and push it on
to our partner. So they feel itand we can get rid of it in our
body. Right? But actually, justlike, ah, like, I might say to
you, like, Ah, this anger hereon my body, like anger alive
here on my body. I'm feelingthis like Final rage here in my

(29:00):
body. And it's not, fuck you.
I'm really fucking angry at you.
It's, ah, like, there's thisthis texture, there is this
expression here that wants to befelt and I'm going to allow you
to witness me in what's alive.

Totally. That's exactly how I feel. I feel
that's the difference betweenprojection and expression. It's
like it's awareness. And it'slike, I can be aware of what's
this is why it's so important totake that descent like come down
and actually live in the body.
Because when you are living inthe body, you become aware of
your feelings before they startto come out of you. And this is

(29:40):
the the work is like actuallycreating enough sensitivity and
awareness to be like, Oh, I amfeeling angry right now. Oh,
there's anger here. Ah, and thisis the piece like you. If you're
bringing that to your partner.
I'm feeling angry. or there'sanger here right now for me,

(30:03):
then you have a responsibilityto deep like to inquire deeper
into it. And if you want to dothat with your partner, you can
if they're curious and they'rewanting to ask and take it, take
it deeper than you have, ifyou're gonna bring that
awareness and just say that youhave a responsibility to then
deepen into it, and inquire withit and move it. If you bring

(30:27):
like I'm feeling angry, and thenyou just walk away or you use it
as a way to kind of like,manipulate your partner. Yeah,
all this anger here right nowfor me. And then you like, kind
of use it as a way to manipulateand sort of like, have them
like, Well, shit, I don't know,what am I meant to do something
about that? Are you What's youuse it to confuse that's not,

(30:48):
that's still using your anger ina in an unhealthy way. But if
you come to your partner withthe intention of clearing it,
and sharing it with like,sharing what you're moving
through, then that's that's thepiece here that we're talking
about, like conscious,consciously bringing it to your
partner, and then finding a wayto express it and move it in a
healthy way. Yeah.

And even I'm thinking of, you know, moments
where? And again, I don't knowif we're kind of skipping too
far forward here. Is thereanything else you want to bring?
No, I was just gonna talk aboutsmashing plates.

Again, talk about that.

Even like, in moments where, you know, we've
really, we're both verycomfortable with each other's
anger now, and again, this is ananger we're projecting onto each
other. And just to clarify, whenwe talk about projection, it's
really you're feeling anger, andyou want to blame your partner
for that anger. You want them tochange something about what

(31:43):
they're doing in their life, sothat anger can go away. But
really, that anger is there inyour body for you to feel and
you to express and you toembody. And yes, that anger can
point towards, like, anger issuch a powerful fucking emotion
because it points us towardswhat we motherfucking care

(32:03):
about. When we're angry, it isguiding us back to what we care
about what's really fuckingimportant to us what we really
deeply value. And so it's ourresponsibility. When we are
feeling anger, to feel it, it'syour partner, no matter what
they change in their life, theycan't jump into your body and

(32:24):
express and and embody and movethat energy for you. That's you,
that's on you. And then your jobcan be okay, what is this
pointing me back to whatinformation is here that I can
actually bring to my partner?
Ah, there's anger here. Like yousaid, you were going to, you
know, be off your call at 4pm.

(32:45):
So we could hang out, and nowit's six, and I was making
dinner and I was just feelingthis rage in my body. Right? And
then that can guide back towardsokay, what's what do I care
about? Why am I angry? Oh, Icare about you keeping your
word, or I care about qualitytime together. Right, and they
get to be this informationinstead of just this huge blow

(33:08):
up and this blame? Yeah,

it's an access point, right? Yeah. It's like,
what is this? What is thiswanting to tell me? Rather than
how can I put this on. Andthat's the beautiful thing is
like, I'm feeling angry. And letme talk into a little more
about, you know, where thatanger may be coming from. And
then what it is that I'mactually not getting, that I'm
desiring. And that's the, youknow, we talk about you talk

(33:31):
about this, like, beneath everycomplaint, there's a desire, and
this is a healthy way to likeown feelings, acknowledge what's
happened, and then deepen intowhat the truth of the desire is.
Yeah. And that's a beautiful,you know, it's not about getting
it perfect every time either.
But it's about having theframework so you know, kind of
where you might be stumbling offcourse. And we're not perfect at
this by any means. And I don'tthink anyone is but like, when

(33:51):
you start to feel that angercome through, or you start to
maybe, yeah, throw a grenade orstick a knife in the side and
try to like, try to manipulateyour partner and sort of win the
the argument or when the momentit's like, oh, hang on. Let me
actually take a breath andbreathe into this anger and ask

(34:12):
it what is it here? What is ithere? And why is it trying to
tell me something?

I love that. And I think I think that and correct
me if I'm wrong, but I don'tthink we ever say I'm angry at
you. I don't think that's everlanguage we really use. It's
more than I am feeling anger.

Yeah, I would say like I would. Yeah, we'd say I'm
feeling this and, or I'm, I'mfeeling upset. And it's you
know, and when you when you didthis, we we never we never say
you made me feel, Oh, I'm angry.
I'm angry at you as like, I'mfeeling angry. I was really
looking forward to this thingthat you said you would do or

(34:55):
this thing that we were doingand it's not happening. Yeah,
I'm feeling angry. Yeah.

And I think that deep ownership of our emotions
is really the doorway to be ableto cleanly express these
emotions instead of projecting.
Right? Because language isimportant. Sometimes we say that
words don't really matter. Andit's more the energy behind it.
And yes, there's truth to that.
But also, this can change theenergetics title, and we start

(35:25):
to no longer use the words, I'mangry at you, you did this to
me. And we start saying, oh,there's, there's anger here on
my body. I'm feeling a rageright now. There's an ownership
to that. And yes, we can stillbring it to our partner. And
yes, we can still share whatupset us or what particular
action created the feeling inour body. But it's not giving

(35:48):
them complete responsibility andblame for the emotion that arose
in our body. Oh, and again, youknow, something we talk about on
the podcast, so much is movingfrom, you know, this win lose
dynamic, you know, we're onwhere each other's opponents to
actually being on the same teamand seeing that our goal is
deeper intimacy. And in thesemoments, it's so important to do

(36:09):
that.

Unknown (36:09):
I'm 100%.

I want to get to the smashing plates now. Because
sometimes you might be feelingan anger or rage that isn't
necessarily related to yourpartnership, or it might be and
you might bring something, andit can be really beautiful. Like
he was so fucking phenomenal atthis. Like, I don't even
remember what was happening thelast time you made me smashed

(36:34):
plates, but there was like an Iwas angry about something. Yeah.
And there was anger and rage inmy body. And you were just like,
we're going to smash plates. AndJacob took me outside. And you
just bought a bunch of like oldplates that were just like ready
to go. And he like smashed them.
We had this concrete at thefront of our house, and you were
like, smash them. And I waslike, No, I don't worry. And
you're like, smash

them up that angry.

And you and I, it suddenly made me feel so
vulnerable. Even though I do alot of anger practice and, and
rage work in my own practice.
And in my own work, there wassuddenly like, such a depth of
vulnerability of you just likebeing a meter away from me
witnessing the anime, which wasso beautiful. And I got to lean
and I got to smash these fuckingplates. And after one I was
like, give me another half totwo, I was like, give me another

(37:21):
I think I did like three orfour. And I go to really express
and not move to the energy somuch. And I think this is so
important to know that whetherit's like in a moment of
conflict, and there is anger andrage in the room, in your
partnership, or whether it'sjust one of you is angry about
you know, maybe you'd call theATO the tax department and

(37:43):
something you know, you areannoyed or you're on hold for
ages, and you get off that phonecall and you're angry and you
kind of just want to bewitnessed by your partner. We
can bring these more likeembodiment style practices in to
shift the energy reallypowerfully because anger is
energy in motion. It's an energythat wants to be felt and
express this is how we supportourselves to be liberated

(38:07):
humans, we meet the energythat's alive in our body. And we
say FUCK YES to expressing it.
Right? And then other times,you've invited me into the room
and you've been like scream intoa pillow. Right? And, and this
is like, where we get to bringsuch incredible leadership into

(38:27):
our partnership in these momentswhen we can see our partner
being challenged by the energyof anger. We can really commit
to being a space for them toexpress that in the moment.

Totally. Yeah, and this is I think the more you
become comfortable with you withyour own anger, the sorry, not
your own anger, but the angerthat moves through you. You
become so much more comfortablewith anger as an energy. Yeah,
whether it's in your partner,whether it's in a client,
whether it's in someone down thestreet. And because we've
deepened beneath what's what,you know, the anger is there to

(39:02):
take us deeper take us intosomething deeper. Where you
know, it's much easier for us tookay cool. What it Why Why is
this here and what is it tryingto tell me? Why and that is
like, and more not only what isit trying to tell me? What does
it need to move right now? Doesit need to play to be smashed?
Does it need me to scream into apillow doesn't need me to go for
a run? Do I need to fuckingwalk? Do I need to take the rest

(39:24):
of the day off? Does this needspace to breathe? And when we
treat anger with respect, and wehonor it as an emotion that
wants to move it is it is aConnecticut emotion. It's not a
stagnant passive emotion. We wewere really speaking to the part
but the piece beneath that aswell. When we honor and respect

(39:47):
anger, we're speaking to what'sbeneath it as well. Which for
me, the smoothie smashingeverywhere. Like the piece
Beneath that is the part of methat doesn't feel worthy. And
the part of me that thinks thatI always have to be perfect
Misaka you don't have to beperfect all the time, Jacob. And
then it's like, okay. Okay, thismovie is not okay, I can claim
that all right, the world's notgoing to end, all right, I'm

(40:07):
not, I'm still going to beloved. And this is like this,
what I'm learning myself. And Ifeel our relationship is really
holding the frequency. And theintention is that if you bring
your anger to this space, I'mgoing to learn how to love you
better. Because what's beneaththat anger is a part of you that

(40:29):
you haven't fully loved yet. Andyou haven't fully accepted. And
I get to be the person thatgives you permission in a
judgment free way to bring thatto the surface, and have it
witnessed and seen in the waythat it always wanted to be
witnessed and seen. And that's agift, like that's healing, like,
that's your relationship as a asa spiritual practice.

And if we continue patterns of projection, whenever
we're offering ourselves or ourpartner that gift, never, we're
never actually creating theopportunity to see what is
underneath it. Because we're notowning it. It's like, that's
yours, you did this to me changethat behavior. So I don't feel
angry anymore. Right? And we'renever getting the opportunity to

(41:14):
see the pattern or the, youknow, the wound or whatever it
is, or the desire or theyearning or the ache underneath
that correct? Yeah. I do justwant to preface that, you know,
if you're in partnership, andyou're feeling deeply unsafe, if
there is behaviors from yourpartner that are deeply unsafe,

(41:37):
you know, we're not saying tostay and hold space and witness
your partner in that energy,you're allowed to remove
yourself from environments orsituations that don't feel safe
at all. Right? I want to bringthat there's a difference
between that and what I sharedearlier of me being in the car
where I did feel unsafe, butthat unsafe, or that lack of

(41:57):
safety with the smoothie and youpunching the wheel. That wasn't
necessarily because yourbehavior was projected at me.
That was my relationship withanger. Yes. So there's two
different things happening.
Sometimes we can feel unsafe,because we've internalized this
story of any, any ounce of thatanger is unsafe, or any ounce of
that energy is unsafe for me tobe around. And we're not

(42:20):
actually able to build arelationship with clean anger.
Yes. Right. But then the otherend of the spectrum is sometimes
there is going to be energy andbehavior that we are fucking no
to, and when not available for.
And I just want to remind bothmen and women that if that is
the case, you are allowed toremove yourself from, you know,

(42:42):
those relationships, or just,you know, a moment like that.
Yes, I think that's just animportant nuance to bring any
now.

That's a perfect nuance, because yeah, they, we,
we don't want to think that youjust accept all types of anger.
No, that's not that's definitelynot it. Like you, you get to
discern what's what's what'ssomeone continually projecting
and putting walls up andblaming, blaming, attacking,
attacking, versus someone who'slike, in a moment where they've,

(43:10):
where they've felt anger, andthey brought it through their
body. And that's, that's totallytwo totally different things.
And that's where discernment andyour own relationship with with
your with the anger that movesthrough you, that's where this
becomes, always comes back toself, it always comes back to
self. So regardless of howyou're showing up, if I don't

(43:32):
have a healthy relationship withmy anger, I'm never going to be
able to hold you in yours. I'mnever going to be able to bring
mine through cleanly in a waythat feels in a way that feels
honoring of myself and ourrelationship. Yeah, completely.

Yeah. This one's for the women listening because
I know a lot of women that Iwork with and that come into my
world are like, Oh my god, Iwould love that. You know, I
would love my partner to be ableto say come and smash plates, or
I would love my partner towitness me and my anger but
like, How the fuck do I getthere? And my invitation to you

(44:10):
would be next time you'refeeling anger and this doesn't
need to be something that yourpartner you know, anything to do
with the partnership. It mightbe you know, something in your
business has pissed you off or aconversation you've had with a
family member, right? Wheneverthere's just that texture in
your body. I invite you to go toyour partner and say, Hey, I've
got anger here. Is anger alivein me right now. Ken Would you

(44:35):
be open to just like witnessingme or watching me as I as I feel
it that feels really edgy butalso something I really want to
I really want to do with you.
It's is that something you'd beopen to? And that might be you
just like sitting on the couchor grabbing a pillow and
screaming into a pillow as yourpartner watches you. On that
might be you. That might be youputting on a crazy song I think

(44:56):
I've got on my Spotify this Likeprimal awakening that podcast go
and find it. And it's got epicsongs that I love just like
shaking and screaming to doinganger practices to, and that
might just be putting on like awild song and like shaking. And
just like making wild primalnoises and having your partner
witness you as you kind of likeshake up and meet that energy,

(45:19):
like you said, it's it's like,it's a kinetic energy it wants
to move it wants to it wants tobe expressed. So that can be
really beautiful. And it'sprobably going to feel edgy, and
maybe awkward, and your partnermight feel awkward as fuck your
partner might be like, What do Ido with this, but this is
really, you know, I say this allthe time that awkward is the
price we pay to be fullyexpressed. And especially in

(45:39):
partnerships. So no doubt, therewere many moments in our
relationship where, you know,you didn't know what to do with
parts of my expression, or Ifelt really uncomfortable
bringing parts of myself in. Butwe lent in in those moments, and
we were willing to feel awkwardor uncomfortable, so that we can
be fucking smashing plates inour front yard and me screaming.

(46:01):
Totally.

And we took it and we took it one step at a
time. Yeah, it wasn't like wewere just like, here's all of
the anger that I've ever feltthat they have, because it's an
ongoing practice. Yeah, so youknow, bite, bite off the sizes
that you can do, the chunks thatyou can digest, like, don't
create, you know, create momentsof courage, which is
vulnerability and action, notmoments of chaos. Yeah, and

(46:27):
that's that, like Mike said,like, what she shared, that
might feel a little awkward or alittle bit edgy for you, that's
the that is the meter, that isthe parameter that you're
looking for. Because if it doesfeel a little edgy, and you do
feel a little exposed, thatmeans that there's vulnerability
in the space, that means thatthere's some truth wanting to
come through. Yeah, that'salways going to be a beautiful

(46:47):
point. So if you're bringingsomething to your partner, and
you feel less connected to them,after you share it, there's
probably more of a projectiongoing on or an expectation
versus when you come in, andthere's an edginess and a
vulnerability and a, almost likea fumbling as you lean in.
That's a sign that hey, I'm, I'mdoing something that is
rewriting the fucking programright now. And that's, that's, I

(47:11):
just think that is such abeautiful, beautiful measure. If
you're looking for, oh, how doesit? How do I do this? Or what?
What exactly do I say? No, no,no. Can you feel the part of you
that's a little awkward or alittle nervous to share this
with your partner in this way?

Unknown (47:25):
Oh, I love that. I love that so much. Yeah. Anything
else you want to bring aroundand go.

If you feel you have a lot of anger, like it's
great to have your own practice,or it's great to go and find,
you know, a community orworkshop that you can do that,
or, or you know, like a circleor a Brotherhood or sisterhood
where you can, like, unpack thiswhole concept. I know for me,
when we run sacred rage, we giveguys like for four or five hours

(47:56):
of understanding all of thesedifferent concepts so they can
map it all out in their head andunderstand Ah, okay, so anger
isn't actually a bad thing. It'sa part of the whole. And the
more that I relate with it, themore I get access to all these
other things. Wow. Okay, so it'san access for art. Okay, cool.
All right. Okay, I'm ready tostart to work with my anger now.
Yes. And I'm sure this is thesame for you in full spectrum

(48:17):
woman, it's like to be a fullspectrum woman, part of the full
spectrum is this part of life.
So to understand those things,we must and this is the thing
like if your relationship is notfully ready for it, go and go
and find someone that can dothis work for yourself first.

I would I would say that's actually a prerequisite
if you haven't done this workwithin yourself. Go and do this
in your own body. I just youknow, we do this work in full
spectrum woman you do it insavage and sacred, don't you?
Yeah. Also at your the gatheringof men? Correct. So there's many
different spaces you can go tobuild a deeper relationship with
anger in your own body and beable to own that expression in

(48:59):
your own body and then bring itinto partnership. Oh, yeah. One
of my favorite things iswhenever I do a rage practice
inside full spectrum woman withthe women, they're my favorite,
because so many you know, thisis huge for both men and women.
But a lot of the time women aretaught that's just not an
emotion we're allowed to have.
Right? That doesn't make us agood woman. And women at the end
of a practice like that.

(49:24):
Majority of the time, they'retheir responses. Oh my god, I've
never felt more powerful. All myGod I've never felt so like free
or liberated or alive. And thealiveness like anger is a part
of that emotion is like passion.
What's beneath that is passion.
Why like fucking caring aboutsomething, something's

(49:45):
motherfucking important to us.
And so when we're when weunleashed that in a way that
isn't projecting it but in a waythat's just embodying it and
allowing it to take up space inour body. You know, we're able
to connect to that aliveness,sometimes we have to go through
the port Love grief which isunderneath anger to then connect
to the aliveness sometimesthere's many different layers
underneath the anger but thereis such a I just I just love

(50:07):
that

grief is aliveness I would argue

yeah I would I would I yeah I would so fucking
a grief is the depth of my griefI feel most alive it's

what reveals beauty like Grief is the Thing
that reveals beauty like yeahlike even recently with your Can
we speak about the last weekyeah like your grandmother
passing that was like in thegrief of sitting in that room
with you and your family therewas like this beauty that just
started to emanate from thespecial and I started to see all
the beautiful things about yourgrandmother I sad to see all the

(50:40):
beautiful things about yourmother and her sisters are sad
to see all the beautiful thingsabout you and start to cherish
them and it was only throughgrief that that level of beauty
became unlocked. Amen and youknow my sister just had her
first child a little baby boystill unnamed are hoping for a
name shortly but the thing thatyou know I saw and I was like
It's like the the love and likethe grit yet she had to like

(51:04):
like die as the was it the mainthe main and to become the
mother's death was grief thatunlocked the beauty of
motherhood as like all of thethings that were the you have to
go through to get to that pointyeah there's a grieving and
letting go to then arrive atthis beauty and I think that's
like grief is like the key toaliveness in my opinion.

Unknown (51:26):
I love that so much.
Giving giving a you go I couldspeak about grief all day.

I love it. Yeah.

I think giving ourselves over to any emotion is
aliveness yeah

Unknown (51:38):
yeah. Ah, okay.

And the final piece around like, because anger
is like we said a kineticemotion is that wants to move it
doesn't it's not a sort ofstagnant or, or passive emotion.
Like when you move it it createsmomentum it creates friction
because fire creates life. Sofor me like anger is when once
it becomes more integrated andclean it becomes becomes your

(52:05):
lifeforce energy becomes thething that you you direct into
your creations, whether that'syour family, your work your own
personal practices or personalgoals is the thing that you use
to cultivate the the energy togive to those things. So in its
most healthiest form becomesthis lifeforce, it becomes this
life giving this vital energythat goes into the things that

(52:27):
you're creating, yes, all thethings that you're serving.
That's why it's such animportant emotion to relate
with.

And I would say if you're someone that struggles
with anger, and what I mean bythat is struggles with
projecting anger, or explosiveanger in your relationship or in
your life, I would begin Yes, Iwould begin to build a
relationship with anger outsideof those explosive moments. So,
you know, come into fullspectrum woman, let's do our
rage practice, or go and seeJacob and you can learn sacred

(52:58):
rage. But building arelationship with anger outside
of those very reactive,intensified amplified moments is
really important. And then ontop of that, when, when an
explosive moment is happening,you know, you're not always
going to be able to stop it whenthat's a pattern. But in those
moments, being able to ask thequestion, what's underneath

(53:19):
this? What's underneath this,what's underneath this, this can
really support you know, thatturning into a bigger explosion,
and a bigger, you know,projection of energy onto
someone else. 100% can bring youback into the body of like this
as mine, what what is fully herefor me in this moment?

Unknown (53:39):
Yes.

Love that. Okay, so really, to sum it all up, anger
can be such a beautiful gift inrelationship. And this isn't
something we have to bypass oryou know, shame, shame, or
remove from ourselves, or ourpartnership, or our partner. But
this is actually something thatwe can bring in and, and get to

(54:06):
a place and again, this comesfrom our own individual
relationships with anger in ourown body, but get to a place
where it's just a welcomedemotion. Ya know, now we love
our partner in that thatexpression and feeling of anger,
again, not projection of anger,but expression and feeling of
anger.

And it's no longer good, bad, right or
wrong. It just is the anger andit's here and we're witnessing
it. We're not judging it. We'renot in on the same token we
don't like over celebrated allthe way down. Oh, you're so
angry, well done. We don'tpatronize we were like, just we
witnessed it, we observe it, weallow it to move through the
space. Yeah. And this is reallyimportant and like makes it I
think the key thing here toremember is like ensuring those

(54:44):
the difference between betweenclean and unclean, anger and
ensuring that when you areexpressing your anger, it is an
expression, not a projection.
And the way that you know thatit's an expression is it is it
feels a little vulnerable.
There's a little feeling ofexposing yourself there. Yeah.
which is really what we havewhat courage is the courage to
do something vulnerable. Andthat's a really important piece

(55:07):
to remember. So I'm happy, happyanger experiencing be raging.
Happy, raging. Yeah,

we love you. We will be seeing you next week we
got an epic guest episode nextweek

epic guest we have Damian bola coming through.
Gonna be having some deep chatsaround the energetics of
polarity and some really, reallycool I'm so excited to have him
on. I'm

so excited for that conversation. And then the
following week, we'll have ourthree live podcast episodes

yet the three part series, bring it on

and head to the show notes because we've got a
bunch of things going on fullspectrum woman join the
waitlist, its doors openingreally soon,

you got the whole thing launching, there's a big
new launch happening,

I got a whole website launching. So there's
gonna be a bunch of freebies andlots of different things that
you can be a part of. You gotthe gathering of men coming up
later in the year. Yeah, go andcheck the show notes because
there's Yeah, lots of goodness.

All the fun stuff.

We love you. Part of this community. We'll see you
soon. Big Love.

Yo, yo, yo, thank you so much for tuning in to
another episode of sex, love andeverything in between. Now if
you'd like to stay connectedwith Megan, I You can head on
over to Instagram and follow meat the Jacob O'Neill and where
can people find you lover

at the dot mag dot o

amazing and yeah, guys, check out the show notes
for all other information inregards to what we've got coming
up. And yeah, we're super supergrateful that you guys for
taking the time to listen in tothis podcast. If you do have any
topics or any questions, like Isaid, hit us up on Instagram and
we'll see what we can do. Apartfrom that have a beautiful,
beautiful

rest of your day.
Thanks for being here.

Big Big Love.

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Ep 62: Anger and Emotional Expression in a Relationship

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