February 3, 2025 • 20 mins
This episode explores the profound impact of trauma on relationships and the path toward healing and trust-building. We discuss personal experiences with trauma, generational influences, emotional barriers, and actionable steps to foster healthy connections.
• Acknowledging trauma as a shared experience
• The effects of generational and systemic trauma
• Understanding how trauma shapes personal relationships
• The necessity of vulnerability in building trust
• Recognizing emotional barriers and behaviors
• Steps to accept trauma and set healthy boundaries
• Importance of community support in healing
• Recap of actionable insights for listeners
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
What's good Motives?
I hope you guys are doing wellout there.
It's the one and only ToneMotivates back with another
episode of Shades of Tone andtoday we're going to be
discussing trauma andrelationships and basically just
building trust and healthyconnections after pain.
(00:24):
Just building trust and healthyconnections after pain.
And to everyone, black HistoryMonth should be celebrated every
day of the year, not just onemonth, but happy Black History
Month to all of my folks outthere that celebrate.
So let's hop into it.
Trauma is something very real.
(00:44):
Let's hop into it.
Trauma is something very real,something that all of us have
been through or experienced atsome point in our lives.
Unfortunately, we have beenvictims of trauma and at some
(01:05):
point unfortunately, you knowbeen the culprits.
And at the end of the day, Ihope that everyone is able to
take accountability and to justunderstand that in some
situations you accepting anapology that you will never
receive is about the best thatyou can get or closest you can
get to healing and just, youknow, not letting it affect your
(01:27):
life.
So, basically, navigatingrelationships after trauma is
like trying to rebuild a houseafter a storm the damage is
there, but with the right toolsyou can create something
stronger and maybe even morebeautiful.
(01:52):
Now, for many in the Blackcommunity, trauma isn't just
personal, it's generational andsystemic.
From historical injustices topresent day struggles.
These experiences shape the waywe connect with ourselves and
others.
And I can vividly rememberbeing a single mom and having a
(02:17):
young black man and him gettingto the level of like grade H, so
regular school.
I think he might have been insecond grade.
Um, and we heard about TrayvonMartin, and my son loves hoodies
.
To this day.
He is now 18 years old, asenior in high school.
I'm so proud of him.
But, um, you know, my heartgoes out to the family that was
(02:40):
never able to see their youngblack man cross the stage to go
to prom, to have kids, to seewhat career he wanted to take
out all of that just becausesomebody felt the need and felt
entitled to think that thisyoung black man was a threat and
that they had to take mattersinto their own hands.
And I remember having fear overmy young black son, just being,
(03:06):
you know, just him being.
He's not doing anything, butjust literally freaking being,
you know, and it literally it.
It hurt me, it saddened me tomy core and I had to have
painful conversations with myson just to know that he knew
the steps to take to try to savehis own life at the expense of
(03:31):
others, sometimes, unfortunately, at the same people that are
supposed to protect us.
Very important, and it mattersbecause healing our
relationships is a powerful wayto honor our ancestors who
survived incredible hardshipsand to build a brighter future
for the next generation.
(03:54):
From the great Rosa Parks, shesaid, I have learned over the
years that when one mind is madeup, this diminishes fear.
Knowing what must be done doesaway with fear and, with that
being said, I would like to knowwhat's one relationship in your
(04:15):
life, past or present, that'sbeen shaped by pain.
Reflect on how it's influencedyour ability to trust or connect
.
And I could be absolutelyvulnerable with you guys here,
and automatically the two peoplethat come to mind when I think
of this question is my parents.
(04:38):
I love them dearly.
You know I would not be who Iam today without them, and that
is thanks or no thanks to them,and I appreciate them so much
and I understand that their youknow what they went through was
not in vain, that I am who I ambecause of everything that they
(05:01):
went through.
But I remember a time when I hadto, I was about 30.
I might have just been shy of30, hitting 30.
And I just had like a rudeawakening and you know I just
really took accountability toall of the things, the bullshit
that I did to people, the menthat I've hurt I played games
(05:22):
with, knowing that they wereserious about me and they wanted
to court me and be with me, andall this extra stuff and it was
terrifying to me and I realizedlater on it was scary to me
because my father was neverconsistent in my life and
because he was never consistentI was always like that runner,
ray bride.
You know what I mean Besides myson's father, and you know I
(05:45):
mean Besides my son's father,and you know he went off to jail
.
So again that you know,confirmed to me that men in my
life were never there to stay.
It was just for a time, for aseason, um, with my dad.
You know, anytime a guy wouldcome around, you know I don't
want nothing, I ain't lookingfor nothing.
You know situationships, allthat, and it was great men, but
(06:09):
I literally pushed decent menaway and the ones that I would
try to hold on to for dear lifewere the exact ones that I
should have been running from.
They were the ones that wereemotionally unavailable.
They were the ones that wereemotionally unavailable.
They were the ones that Iliterally had to help mend and
tape their hearts back togetherafter a heart breakup or after
(06:29):
their heart was being broken,and show them what, you know,
real love was like, or what itfelt like to be loved
unconditionally, just for me, toyou know, nurse them back to
health pretty much, and theymove on.
And years and years passed.
(06:51):
But you know, I eventually gotinto another relationship and I
felt like, from the time that Istarted dating that man, I
pretty much sabotaged it overand over again.
Now, it wasn't only me.
We both did all kinds of crazythings to each other over again.
Now, it wasn't only me.
We both did all kinds of crazythings to each other as far as
neglect and lack ofcommunication and, you know,
sexuality and intimacy and allkinds of stuff we did to each
(07:12):
other for years and years andyears.
But we stayed connected to eachother.
So, instead of just leavingeach other alone, we
continuously just hurt oneanother.
Um, up until, um, there was nomore trust and, um, we, finally,
you know I finally heard him tono return and I'll always, uh,
(07:35):
be apologetic to that and he'llalways have a special place in
my heart because he did notdeserve that.
So that was a littlevulnerability with you guys
right there.
But let's talk about, you know,just reflecting on how it's
influenced your ability to trustor connect that one
relationship in your life, andyou know to go back on that, I
(07:57):
think the main thing for me isjust knowing that I have to be
100 with myself before I can be100 with others.
You know, I can try to put upthat facade or that persona for
as long as I want to, but aperson that truly wants to get
to know me truly, you know,wants to build with me is going
(08:17):
to see right through that shit,and I'm typically just
continuing to sabotage by notbeing authentic to myself, and I
owe it to myself and myaudience.
You know what I mean.
I have paid clients and allthat to consistently be honest
with myself.
You know to encourage others tobe honest with themselves, but
at the end of the day, even withall of that, I sleep by myself
(08:41):
at night.
You know what I mean, even ifsomeone's in the bed with me,
I'm alone with my thoughts andit's no fun, you know, basically
having someone's feelings atthe expense of you not being 100
with yourself, and I'll leaveit at that.
(09:01):
So, guys, I just want you tothink about.
You know how it influenced yourability to trust or connect.
So, moving on, let's talk abouthow trauma impacts relationships
.
Okay, so one of the things thatwe have is emotional barriers,
right, and trauma inrelationships is like carrying
(09:23):
an umbrella indoors it'sprotection you don't need
anymore, but you're afraid tolet it go.
And some of the most commonbarriers is difficulty trusting
others and emotional withdrawalor hyper vigilance.
And I think, in one way oranother, we can either be very
dependent of others or hyperindependent.
You know all those things.
(09:43):
Those all show up in differentways, but the role of
generational and cultural traumafrom a historical context is
basically centuries ofoppression taught survival, but
those survival tactics can makevulnerability and trust feeling
safe.
An example of that is fear ofasking for help due to cultural
stigmas around vulnerability,and that goes back again to
(10:06):
being a strong black woman I am,and I know that I speak for
thousands, hundreds of thousandsof women.
I am tired of being a strongblack woman.
I do not want to be no fuckingstrong black woman, no more want
to be soft posh in my element.
You know what I mean, likebeing a strong black woman and
(10:27):
being um, resilient and all thatshit.
It's it to me is not a goodconnotation.
You know what I mean.
It's my reaction to trying tofucking survive, being a
vulnerable woman in this worldthat looks at me as the second
most dangerous person, the firstbeing a black man.
(10:50):
You know what I mean and, um,you know, just having to
consistently watch out foryourself.
You can't, you can't be tooaggressive or too loud, because
then you're angry and then youthis and then you that.
Is it okay to wear your hairthis way?
Could you wear this and it's?
You know, it's just a lot, it'sa lot.
And I don't think that othercultures realize they're not
taking away from other cultures,because everybody has something
(11:11):
they went through too, you know, especially, um, foreigners.
But at the end of the day, um,you know it's just a lot, it's
just a lot.
So, you know, fear of asking forhelp due to them, cultural
stigmas, it, it.
You know, my friends tell meall the time, like girl, y'all
ask closed mouth don't get fed,closed mouth don't gotta be fed.
(11:32):
If I feed myself, you know.
But just knowing that sometimesit's not physically asking for
food, it's asking somebody'sopinion or asking if somebody
knows about this or know aboutthat, you know that is forms of
help too, and I realized thatwith raising my hand or reaching
my hand out, that I'm soinformative and I give so much
to the community around me thatpeople are typically jumping to
(11:56):
help me and stuff like that.
So, you know, that's justlittle steps that I'm taking to
become a better person, whichleads to the next thing, which
is impact on communication, okay, misinterpretations and defense
mechanisms.
Sometimes we're so busyprotecting ourselves that we
miss what the other person istruly saying, and I say this all
(12:16):
the time, even to my students,you know, to the scholars and
stuff like that.
It's like are you listening tounderstand?
Are you listening to respond?
You know, and I felt that for along time that I felt truly
misunderstood or that for themost part, people didn't, you
know, comprehend what I wassaying or understand what I was
saying, and I walked aroundassuming that people were going
(12:39):
to misunderstand me from jump,which was not necessarily the
case, right?
So now here we are with megoing into a situation
automatically thinking that whenit's not actually the case, and
, in turn, because I'm thinkingthat that is how the person
comes off to me, because Ialready put that, put that out
there in the air, right?
So you know, I have a littlereflection prompt for you, right
(13:03):
, you know it, you know it, youknow it, you know it.
So, think of a recent conflictyou've had.
Were you reacting to thesituation or to old wounds?
And typically that is always away to get your gears turning,
to realize the way that you actand what part you played in the
situation.
Because if you are coming froma place of old wounds, then we
(13:28):
can work on those wounds.
Okay, and sometimes, exactlywhat you, what you need, you
have to.
You have to be accountable towhat it is that's going on, or
how you're reacting to somethingin order to be able to grow
from it.
If you do not accept it, howcould you grow from it?
Okay?
So behavioral patterns andrelationships could be people
(13:52):
pleasing to avoid conflict,avoidance of deep connections
and stuff like that.
So you know, just beingdetached, not wanting to really
connect with people, don'treally want to let them in,
because you feel like in someway, um, you know they're going
to let you down or they're goingto judge you, or you know
you're just a yes person becauseyou'd rather be liked you know
(14:14):
what I mean like it's thatimportant for you to be liked
that you just try to fit ininstead of standing out or, um,
you know, just having a realbackbone and saying, no, I don't
agree with that.
We can agree to disagree, um,and still be cool, etc.
So I do have another challengefor you.
What's one pattern you'venoticed in your relationships?
Could it be rooted in past pain?
(14:37):
Hmm, let me know.
Y'all always could Time in textin Okay.
So next we're going to talkabout steps to build trust and
healthy connections.
So next we're going to talkabout steps to build trust and
healthy connections.
The first step is toacknowledge and accept your
(14:57):
trauma.
Trauma is like a scar.
It's part of your story but itdoesn't define your worth or
your ability to connect.
And I want you guys to writedown one way your trauma has
shaped you.
Then write one strength it'shelped you develop.
So I would say a trauma thathas shaped me is always feeling
(15:23):
like I didn't have anyone toturn to right, like nobody was
ever there for me.
So one strength for me would beMe being a go getter.
You know me knowing thatthere's nobody there to save me
(15:45):
and even if it was, you know,not expecting it.
Ok, step two set healthyboundaries.
So a little bit of analogybehind that.
Boundaries are like fences.
They're not there to shutpeople out, but to protect what
matters most to you.
So some tips on that is learnto say no without guilt.
Sometimes no is a sentence, n-o, period, that's it, that's all.
(16:05):
No.
Communicate your needs.
Clearly.
A lot of times we expect peopleto just read our minds.
They don't know what the hellwe talking about.
We don't know, let alone whatwe talking about.
They don't know what the hellwe thinking about.
Okay.
So at a time I used to be likeoh, I over communicate, I'm an
over communicator.
No, I'm a communicator, and youeither can accept that or you
(16:29):
can't.
And if you're not the talkingtype and we can sit here and
talk about our feelings andemotions, then that pretty much
lets me know where we stand,period, okay.
So in addition to that, what'sone boundary you'd like to set
in your life.
Practice how you say it outloud.
(16:52):
Practice how you say it outloud.
Next, let's rebuild trust.
Rebuilding trust is likeplanting a garden it takes time,
effort and the right conditions, but the results are worth it.
Start with small steps.
(17:12):
Be consistent and patient withyourself and others.
Step four foster healthycommunication.
Practice active listening,listen to understand, not to
respond.
Now you could do a funrole-playing exercise if you
like.
Right, do this with yourfriends, family, whoever you
(17:34):
like, and pretend you're havinga difficult conversation with
someone.
Practice responding withempathy instead of defensiveness
.
Okay, so let's move into thepower of healing and
relationships.
(17:54):
Healing is a community effort.
Our ancestors didn't survivealone.
They leaned on each other.
Healing our relationships is away to carry that legacy forward
.
Collective healing can be seenas family therapy, community
support groups.
Whoever your people is, yourpeople do not have to be your
biological family.
(18:15):
I have my own soul tribe andit's made up of people that I
choose to be around, I choose tobe vulnerable with, etc.
So I once thought this is afunny story.
Well, not funny to y'all, but Iknow I do.
I once thought settingboundaries would push people
away.
Instead, it deepened myfriendships, because people
finally understood my needs.
(18:36):
Like tone needs something.
You know what I mean.
Tone is not always okay.
So, with that being said, letme know what's one small way you
can start building trust,either with someone else or with
yourself.
This week Chime in.
I'd love to hear.
So let's recap Today weacknowledge trauma, but don't
(18:58):
let it define us.
We set boundaries that protectour peace and we take small
steps toward rebuilding trustand fostering communication.
Relationships after trauma arelike mosaics.
They might not look perfect,but they're made of pieces that
tell a beautiful story ofresilience and growth.
(19:18):
Share this episode with someonewho's working on their
relationships and let me knowwhat's one way you're reclaiming
connection in your life.
I love to hear from you guysand, as always, always love.
What's good Motives?
I hope you guys are doing wellout there.
It's the one and only ToneMotivates back with another
episode of Shades of Tone andtoday we're going to be
discussing trauma andrelationships and basically just
building trust and healthyconnections after pain.
(00:24):
Just building trust and healthyconnections after pain.
And to everyone, black HistoryMonth should be celebrated every
day of the year, not just onemonth, but happy Black History
Month to all of my folks outthere that celebrate.
So let's hop into it.
Trauma is something very real.
(00:44):
Let's hop into it.
Trauma is something very real,something that all of us have
been through or experienced atsome point in our lives.
Unfortunately, we have beenvictims of trauma and at some
(01:05):
point unfortunately, you knowbeen the culprits.
And at the end of the day, Ihope that everyone is able to
take accountability and to justunderstand that in some
situations you accepting anapology that you will never
receive is about the best thatyou can get or closest you can
get to healing and just, youknow, not letting it affect your
(01:27):
life.
So, basically, navigatingrelationships after trauma is
like trying to rebuild a houseafter a storm the damage is
there, but with the right toolsyou can create something
stronger and maybe even morebeautiful.
(01:52):
Now, for many in the Blackcommunity, trauma isn't just
personal, it's generational andsystemic.
From historical injustices topresent day struggles.
These experiences shape the waywe connect with ourselves and
others.
And I can vividly rememberbeing a single mom and having a
(02:17):
young black man and him gettingto the level of like grade H, so
regular school.
I think he might have been insecond grade.
Um, and we heard about TrayvonMartin, and my son loves hoodies
.
To this day.
He is now 18 years old, asenior in high school.
I'm so proud of him.
But, um, you know, my heartgoes out to the family that was
(02:40):
never able to see their youngblack man cross the stage to go
to prom, to have kids, to seewhat career he wanted to take
out all of that just becausesomebody felt the need and felt
entitled to think that thisyoung black man was a threat and
that they had to take mattersinto their own hands.
And I remember having fear overmy young black son, just being,
(03:06):
you know, just him being.
He's not doing anything, butjust literally freaking being,
you know, and it literally it.
It hurt me, it saddened me tomy core and I had to have
painful conversations with myson just to know that he knew
the steps to take to try to savehis own life at the expense of
(03:31):
others, sometimes, unfortunately, at the same people that are
supposed to protect us.
Very important, and it mattersbecause healing our
relationships is a powerful wayto honor our ancestors who
survived incredible hardshipsand to build a brighter future
for the next generation.
(03:54):
From the great Rosa Parks, shesaid, I have learned over the
years that when one mind is madeup, this diminishes fear.
Knowing what must be done doesaway with fear and, with that
being said, I would like to knowwhat's one relationship in your
(04:15):
life, past or present, that'sbeen shaped by pain.
Reflect on how it's influencedyour ability to trust or connect
.
And I could be absolutelyvulnerable with you guys here,
and automatically the two peoplethat come to mind when I think
of this question is my parents.
(04:38):
I love them dearly.
You know I would not be who Iam today without them, and that
is thanks or no thanks to them,and I appreciate them so much
and I understand that their youknow what they went through was
not in vain, that I am who I ambecause of everything that they
(05:01):
went through.
But I remember a time when I hadto, I was about 30.
I might have just been shy of30, hitting 30.
And I just had like a rudeawakening and you know I just
really took accountability toall of the things, the bullshit
that I did to people, the menthat I've hurt I played games
(05:22):
with, knowing that they wereserious about me and they wanted
to court me and be with me, andall this extra stuff and it was
terrifying to me and I realizedlater on it was scary to me
because my father was neverconsistent in my life and
because he was never consistentI was always like that runner,
ray bride.
You know what I mean Besides myson's father, and you know I
(05:45):
mean Besides my son's father,and you know he went off to jail
.
So again that you know,confirmed to me that men in my
life were never there to stay.
It was just for a time, for aseason, um, with my dad.
You know, anytime a guy wouldcome around, you know I don't
want nothing, I ain't lookingfor nothing.
You know situationships, allthat, and it was great men, but
(06:09):
I literally pushed decent menaway and the ones that I would
try to hold on to for dear lifewere the exact ones that I
should have been running from.
They were the ones that wereemotionally unavailable.
They were the ones that wereemotionally unavailable.
They were the ones that Iliterally had to help mend and
tape their hearts back togetherafter a heart breakup or after
(06:29):
their heart was being broken,and show them what, you know,
real love was like, or what itfelt like to be loved
unconditionally, just for me, toyou know, nurse them back to
health pretty much, and theymove on.
And years and years passed.
(06:51):
But you know, I eventually gotinto another relationship and I
felt like, from the time that Istarted dating that man, I
pretty much sabotaged it overand over again.
Now, it wasn't only me.
We both did all kinds of crazythings to each other over again.
Now, it wasn't only me.
We both did all kinds of crazythings to each other as far as
neglect and lack ofcommunication and, you know,
sexuality and intimacy and allkinds of stuff we did to each
(07:12):
other for years and years andyears.
But we stayed connected to eachother.
So, instead of just leavingeach other alone, we
continuously just hurt oneanother.
Um, up until, um, there was nomore trust and, um, we, finally,
you know I finally heard him tono return and I'll always, uh,
(07:35):
be apologetic to that and he'llalways have a special place in
my heart because he did notdeserve that.
So that was a littlevulnerability with you guys
right there.
But let's talk about, you know,just reflecting on how it's
influenced your ability to trustor connect that one
relationship in your life, andyou know to go back on that, I
(07:57):
think the main thing for me isjust knowing that I have to be
100 with myself before I can be100 with others.
You know, I can try to put upthat facade or that persona for
as long as I want to, but aperson that truly wants to get
to know me truly, you know,wants to build with me is going
(08:17):
to see right through that shit,and I'm typically just
continuing to sabotage by notbeing authentic to myself, and I
owe it to myself and myaudience.
You know what I mean.
I have paid clients and allthat to consistently be honest
with myself.
You know to encourage others tobe honest with themselves, but
at the end of the day, even withall of that, I sleep by myself
(08:41):
at night.
You know what I mean, even ifsomeone's in the bed with me,
I'm alone with my thoughts andit's no fun, you know, basically
having someone's feelings atthe expense of you not being 100
with yourself, and I'll leaveit at that.
(09:01):
So, guys, I just want you tothink about.
You know how it influenced yourability to trust or connect.
So, moving on, let's talk abouthow trauma impacts relationships
.
Okay, so one of the things thatwe have is emotional barriers,
right, and trauma inrelationships is like carrying
(09:23):
an umbrella indoors it'sprotection you don't need
anymore, but you're afraid tolet it go.
And some of the most commonbarriers is difficulty trusting
others and emotional withdrawalor hyper vigilance.
And I think, in one way oranother, we can either be very
dependent of others or hyperindependent.
You know all those things.
(09:43):
Those all show up in differentways, but the role of
generational and cultural traumafrom a historical context is
basically centuries ofoppression taught survival, but
those survival tactics can makevulnerability and trust feeling
safe.
An example of that is fear ofasking for help due to cultural
stigmas around vulnerability,and that goes back again to
(10:06):
being a strong black woman I am,and I know that I speak for
thousands, hundreds of thousandsof women.
I am tired of being a strongblack woman.
I do not want to be no fuckingstrong black woman, no more want
to be soft posh in my element.
You know what I mean, likebeing a strong black woman and
(10:27):
being um, resilient and all thatshit.
It's it to me is not a goodconnotation.
You know what I mean.
It's my reaction to trying tofucking survive, being a
vulnerable woman in this worldthat looks at me as the second
most dangerous person, the firstbeing a black man.
(10:50):
You know what I mean and, um,you know, just having to
consistently watch out foryourself.
You can't, you can't be tooaggressive or too loud, because
then you're angry and then youthis and then you that.
Is it okay to wear your hairthis way?
Could you wear this and it's?
You know, it's just a lot, it'sa lot.
And I don't think that othercultures realize they're not
taking away from other cultures,because everybody has something
(11:11):
they went through too, you know, especially, um, foreigners.
But at the end of the day, um,you know it's just a lot, it's
just a lot.
So, you know, fear of asking forhelp due to them, cultural
stigmas, it, it.
You know, my friends tell meall the time, like girl, y'all
ask closed mouth don't get fed,closed mouth don't gotta be fed.
(11:32):
If I feed myself, you know.
But just knowing that sometimesit's not physically asking for
food, it's asking somebody'sopinion or asking if somebody
knows about this or know aboutthat, you know that is forms of
help too, and I realized thatwith raising my hand or reaching
my hand out, that I'm soinformative and I give so much
to the community around me thatpeople are typically jumping to
(11:56):
help me and stuff like that.
So, you know, that's justlittle steps that I'm taking to
become a better person, whichleads to the next thing, which
is impact on communication, okay, misinterpretations and defense
mechanisms.
Sometimes we're so busyprotecting ourselves that we
miss what the other person istruly saying, and I say this all
(12:16):
the time, even to my students,you know, to the scholars and
stuff like that.
It's like are you listening tounderstand?
Are you listening to respond?
You know, and I felt that for along time that I felt truly
misunderstood or that for themost part, people didn't, you
know, comprehend what I wassaying or understand what I was
saying, and I walked aroundassuming that people were going
(12:39):
to misunderstand me from jump,which was not necessarily the
case, right?
So now here we are with megoing into a situation
automatically thinking that whenit's not actually the case, and
, in turn, because I'm thinkingthat that is how the person
comes off to me, because Ialready put that, put that out
there in the air, right?
So you know, I have a littlereflection prompt for you, right
(13:03):
, you know it, you know it, youknow it, you know it.
So, think of a recent conflictyou've had.
Were you reacting to thesituation or to old wounds?
And typically that is always away to get your gears turning,
to realize the way that you actand what part you played in the
situation.
Because if you are coming froma place of old wounds, then we
(13:28):
can work on those wounds.
Okay, and sometimes, exactlywhat you, what you need, you
have to.
You have to be accountable towhat it is that's going on, or
how you're reacting to somethingin order to be able to grow
from it.
If you do not accept it, howcould you grow from it?
Okay?
So behavioral patterns andrelationships could be people
(13:52):
pleasing to avoid conflict,avoidance of deep connections
and stuff like that.
So you know, just beingdetached, not wanting to really
connect with people, don'treally want to let them in,
because you feel like in someway, um, you know they're going
to let you down or they're goingto judge you, or you know
you're just a yes person becauseyou'd rather be liked you know
(14:14):
what I mean like it's thatimportant for you to be liked
that you just try to fit ininstead of standing out or, um,
you know, just having a realbackbone and saying, no, I don't
agree with that.
We can agree to disagree, um,and still be cool, etc.
So I do have another challengefor you.
What's one pattern you'venoticed in your relationships?
Could it be rooted in past pain?
(14:37):
Hmm, let me know.
Y'all always could Time in textin Okay.
So next we're going to talkabout steps to build trust and
healthy connections.
So next we're going to talkabout steps to build trust and
healthy connections.
The first step is toacknowledge and accept your
(14:57):
trauma.
Trauma is like a scar.
It's part of your story but itdoesn't define your worth or
your ability to connect.
And I want you guys to writedown one way your trauma has
shaped you.
Then write one strength it'shelped you develop.
So I would say a trauma thathas shaped me is always feeling
(15:23):
like I didn't have anyone toturn to right, like nobody was
ever there for me.
So one strength for me would beMe being a go getter.
You know me knowing thatthere's nobody there to save me
(15:45):
and even if it was, you know,not expecting it.
Ok, step two set healthyboundaries.
So a little bit of analogybehind that.
Boundaries are like fences.
They're not there to shutpeople out, but to protect what
matters most to you.
So some tips on that is learnto say no without guilt.
Sometimes no is a sentence, n-o, period, that's it, that's all.
(16:05):
No.
Communicate your needs.
Clearly.
A lot of times we expect peopleto just read our minds.
They don't know what the hellwe talking about.
We don't know, let alone whatwe talking about.
They don't know what the hellwe thinking about.
Okay.
So at a time I used to be likeoh, I over communicate, I'm an
over communicator.
No, I'm a communicator, and youeither can accept that or you
(16:29):
can't.
And if you're not the talkingtype and we can sit here and
talk about our feelings andemotions, then that pretty much
lets me know where we stand,period, okay.
So in addition to that, what'sone boundary you'd like to set
in your life.
Practice how you say it outloud.
(16:52):
Practice how you say it outloud.
Next, let's rebuild trust.
Rebuilding trust is likeplanting a garden it takes time,
effort and the right conditions, but the results are worth it.
Start with small steps.
(17:12):
Be consistent and patient withyourself and others.
Step four foster healthycommunication.
Practice active listening,listen to understand, not to
respond.
Now you could do a funrole-playing exercise if you
like.
Right, do this with yourfriends, family, whoever you
(17:34):
like, and pretend you're havinga difficult conversation with
someone.
Practice responding withempathy instead of defensiveness
.
Okay, so let's move into thepower of healing and
relationships.
(17:54):
Healing is a community effort.
Our ancestors didn't survivealone.
They leaned on each other.
Healing our relationships is away to carry that legacy forward
.
Collective healing can be seenas family therapy, community
support groups.
Whoever your people is, yourpeople do not have to be your
biological family.
(18:15):
I have my own soul tribe andit's made up of people that I
choose to be around, I choose tobe vulnerable with, etc.
So I once thought this is afunny story.
Well, not funny to y'all, but Iknow I do.
I once thought settingboundaries would push people
away.
Instead, it deepened myfriendships, because people
finally understood my needs.
(18:36):
Like tone needs something.
You know what I mean.
Tone is not always okay.
So, with that being said, letme know what's one small way you
can start building trust,either with someone else or with
yourself.
This week Chime in.
I'd love to hear.
So let's recap Today weacknowledge trauma, but don't
(18:58):
let it define us.
We set boundaries that protectour peace and we take small
steps toward rebuilding trustand fostering communication.
Relationships after trauma arelike mosaics.
They might not look perfect,but they're made of pieces that
tell a beautiful story ofresilience and growth.
(19:18):
Share this episode with someonewho's working on their
relationships and let me knowwhat's one way you're reclaiming
connection in your life.
I love to hear from you guysand, as always, always love.
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