September 30, 2024 • 22 mins
Have you ever wondered how your relationship with yourself shapes the connections you have with others? On this episode of Shades of Tone, we embark on a journey to uncover the essence of self-relationship, emphasizing the critical role of understanding and accepting who we truly are. Through relatable personal stories and humorous anecdotes, we explore how living in the moment and honing in on what we can control can significantly bolster our mental well-being. We'll dive into practices like journaling to help uncover and celebrate our unique quirks, fostering self-awareness and self-reflection. Embrace your individuality with us, as we reveal why being your authentic self is the cornerstone of self-love and healthy relationships.
Moving forward, we shift gears to discuss the often-overlooked aspects of self-care and the art of setting boundaries. It's not just about pampering yourself but reclaiming your time and energy to avoid burnout. Through our personal experiences, we highlight the transformative power of saying no and the unexpected peace it brings. Get ready for some practical, enjoyable self-care tips, from solo dining adventures to treating yourself to date nights. Finally, we talk about celebrating the small wins to build confidence and self-appreciation, making each day more fulfilling. Tune in and learn how to cultivate a positive, nurturing relationship with yourself that enhances every other connection in your life.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hey motives and welcome back to another episode
of Shades of Tone.
Today we're going to be talkingabout building healthy
relationships and starting witha strong relationship with
yourself.
So I know some of you areprobably asking what is a
self-relationship?
(00:22):
Well, as Psych Central articlestates that it encompasses your
feelings about yourself, the wayyou treat yourself and the
decisions you make for yourself.
Explained by Kate O'Brien, alicensed therapist in New York
that focuses on codependency,grief and emotional trauma, and
(00:45):
you guys can find that articleat psychcentralcom and I will,
of course, be listing that linkin the description.
So let's talk about the secretof healthy relationships.
Now, during a back to schoolmeeting, a fellow teacher got up
and told us who she was notwhat she did, but who she was
(01:09):
and she simply said that shelived by accepting what she can
control and not worrying aboutwhat she couldn't control.
Now, although we'd known eachother for some time, I really
thought about her statement,because we have all tried to
control something out of ourcontrol before, like the jerk in
front of us doing negative fivemiles, or the guy that is
(01:31):
extremely loud with his mufflerthat makes startling sounds, and
you think that shots arerunning off somewhere.
So my point is live in themoment.
You only get this moment once.
So I have a question for youMotives how often do you focus
on building relationship withothers before really
(01:55):
understanding the most importantrelationship, the one with
yourself?
How can we expect to trulyconnect with others if we
haven't connected with ourselvesfirst?
And that's so crazy because alot of people simply get stuck
when someone asks them who theyare.
(02:16):
They start baffling off at.
You know what they do for aliving, they're a mom, they're a
parent, all this stuff.
But the question is who are you?
You know what I mean.
What is it that you do?
What is it that makes you tick?
What do you enjoy?
Stuff like this.
So let's dive in tounderstanding the relationship
(02:39):
with ourselves.
So I used to think self-care wasjust an excuse to binge watch
shows in pajamas all day.
And while that's sometimes partof it ain't no judgment here.
You already know I will take aday in a minute.
It's also about really knowingand accepting who you are.
A strong relationship withyourself is foundation for all
(03:02):
other relationships.
If you're not your own bestfriend, how can you be a good
friend, partner or colleague tosomeone else?
And I know I've said this overand over again you can be your
best friend or your worst enemy.
So pretty much, look at it likethis you wouldn't build a house
on shaky ground, right?
We all know that we need a goodfoundation for the house, or
(03:23):
it's just going to comecrumbling down.
So your relationship withyourself is that a solid
foundation?
Next is self-awareness gettingto know you.
So think about one quirky thingthat you love about yourself.
For me, I have this weird habitof talking to myself, so much
(03:49):
so that I do it around peopleand I don't notice until they're
like huh.
Or are you talking to me andI'm like, oh nah, you know
they'll be like oh well, you'renot crazy unless you start
answering yourself too.
And baby, sometimes I do thattoo.
But hey, again, this is a nojudgment zone, okay.
But my point is self-awarenessis about knowing your quirks,
(04:09):
strengths and areas of growth.
The more you understand whatmakes you tick, the better you
can navigate your interactionwith others.
So as a tip, I encourageself-reflection practices like
journaling.
But make it fun.
Write as if you're narratingthe life of your favorite
character, which is, of course,you.
Let's chat a little bit aboutself-love and embracing your
(04:33):
inner weirdo.
Now y'all know, y'all knowweirdo, quirky, boisterous,
unicorn.
I do not see that as negativeconnotations.
I appreciate them and Iactually look at it like a
compliment because at the end ofthe day I genuinely enjoy
sticking out.
I know that typically when Iwalk in the room there's not too
(04:54):
many people like me in thatroom, and not to say that I'm
tooting my own horn, butsometimes you deserve to do that
.
You know what I mean.
You can be humble but also tootyour own horn in what you are.
So we all have that one awkwardstory like right, so mine is.
Every single time my friendsand I go out, I have this one
(05:18):
particular friend that literallyhas to have this sidebar
conversation to me.
He literally pulls me to theside like tone please do not go
in this club acting crazy.
And honestly he doesn't evenknow that if he didn't say
anything there's a chance that Imight not act like that.
But just because he said it, itreminds me to really let loose,
(05:41):
really be in the moment andwhatever.
So trust me when I tell youNumber one you cannot tell me
I'm not a TikToker, because Iwill TikTok the life out of you.
But in addition to that, I loveto dance.
It's a wonderful outlook outlet.
I should say I've told you guysover and over again that music
(06:02):
writing it has really been asource for me since a child.
It's literally the closestthing to me.
That I would say is not anactual person or being so.
When Chingy, come on, I like itwhen you do it right there,
right there, I'm right there andI'm doing it right there.
(06:22):
Okay, right, I'm right thereand I'm doing it right there.
Okay, um, I am doing whatevermoves.
I remember on them videos fromthe 99s and the 2000s.
It could be the 2023s or 24s,it could be a new tiktok or it
could be old.
But guess what, whether I'mthere with my partner, whether
I'm the only one there, single,with a bunch of friends that are
(06:45):
partnered up, I am going to doevery damn dance as I know it,
even if it's not the right wayand at the end of the day, I'm
not trying to impress nobody.
I am letting go of all of thestress and all of the rigor,
monroe and the extra bull fromthe day and I'm leaving it in
(07:07):
that song, in that club.
Okay.
Self-love is about embracingyour imperfections and weirdness
.
It's about giving yourself thesame love and acceptance you
give your best friend, even whenyou look silly, clearly doing a
dancing routine that you nolonger remember.
So let's have this littleactivity.
(07:30):
So I invite you to think of onething you used to criticize
yourself for and reframe it asunique, lovable trait.
Okay, again, take one thing youused to criticize yourself for
and reframe it as a unique,lovable trait.
So I will share with you againand this was really deep for me.
(07:54):
I actually went on a podcast andI ain't gonna get into
specifics, but it was the 90-10rule and it was a few years ago
and basically I was a rotatingco-host and the guy basically
was following my relationship.
I had just started dating, Ihadn't dated for years and he
(08:15):
was following it and he wouldalways ask me for an update.
And it was a couple months thatI had been there and when I
came, I started talking to himand I completely broke down.
I broke down, honey, like I wascrying on TV.
He had a big audience.
I'm like, oh my God, but at theend of the day I know it was
(08:36):
personable.
So, with that being said, one ofthe reasons why I broke down
was because for a time, I shamedmyself for being transparent
and people judging me.
And now I realize that it'sclearly because I'm doing
something they don't have theballs to do and that's being
authentic.
(08:56):
So I hear over and over again Inever met a person like you, or
you're over communicator, I'mnot an over communicator.
Of course you haven't met aperson like me because I'm not
like regular people.
I'm tapped into a lot of thedifferent facets of myself and I
understand that and I hone thatand I genuinely make it a point
to learn more and more aboutmyself as much as possible,
(09:21):
because we grow and a lot ofpeople think that healing is
just like a one time thing.
Okay, boom, the book's done,closing Nope, baby, you got a
whole nother book, you got awhole, whole damn library, a
whole roll of stuff that youneed to do to continue to grow,
and life is simply not a race,it's a marathon and I live
strongly by that.
(09:43):
And when I realized that I wasgoing to have haters, I was
going to have people that didn'tagree with what I said.
I have family members thatdon't agree with what I say.
Some people don't care for mehaving crystals or cards, and
you know being spiritual and youknow listening to certain
podcasts and shows on YouTube,university and certain videos,
(10:06):
and you know wearing my crystalsand recognizing certain days
and it's like, at the end of theday, I was born and raised in a
church.
I do believe in God, but I alsobelieve that he has a whole
team behind him, baby, dedicatedto me.
Okay, it is team tone, and thatincludes my ancestors, my
spirit guides the universe, mylost loved ones, all of that.
(10:26):
He is not alone.
It's like a whole football teamand some people don't get that
and to each his own.
I don't knock nobody.
You do what you got to do foryou, boo-boo, but you better
believe that I am going to dowhat I have to do for me, all
right, so let's move on.
Self-care is way more than justbubble baths.
(10:48):
Now, don't get me wrong, I willtake a spiritual bath in a
minute.
Baby, get you a little net likea little mesh cloth or cheese
cloth, put all of your herbs andspices and all that stuff in it
.
Throw that sucker in the tubwith some aromatherapy and some
incense and some candles, baby,some good music or a nice little
(11:10):
frequency, because I lovelistening to the specific
frequencies on YouTube orsubliminals and stuff like that.
Oh, I love it.
And I would chill in thebathroom, like I happen to.
I would do not disturb, okay,d-n-d.
But self-care isn't just aboutthat.
And pampering yourself with spadays and chocolate or the
(11:33):
instant gratification ofspurging at the mall Though
those are great because I'vebeen spurging honey.
I have a big announcement thatI'll make later, but I'm a
splurger, but I've learned thatit's just instant gratification.
If I really need it, then I'llgo back and get it, but a lot of
times I won't just get it rightthen and there.
So it's also about settingboundaries right, saying no when
(11:58):
you need to and making sureyou're not pouring from an empty
cup, and I used to do that alot.
It was a time that I was thatyes person for everyone.
Anytime they needed me, I wasthere.
Phone calls, rides, money, youname it.
Whether it's the turn up orturn down, I'm the whole wave.
I'm gonna make you feel betterand I'm still that person.
(12:21):
And some people nowadays mightthink that I'm a little
wishy-washy or I'm funny actingor I'm on my time and you're
absolutely freaking right.
If I ain't on my time, who else?
Time I'm on, you know what Imean.
I'm independent.
I have my own everything.
So, yes, I need people aroundme, but I need people around me
for things that have nothing todo with anything in the
(12:43):
materialistic realm, nothing inthe 3D.
I don't need out of that.
Yes, do I want to be loved howI love others?
Yes, but I'm also okay knowingthat it's a possibility that
that would never happen.
But I'm still going to loveothers the way I want to be
loved, because it's genuine andI'm not looking for anything
(13:05):
back.
So I used to share all thisstuff.
I was always there.
People always reached out to me.
Of course, they took advantage.
I even shared my home a fewtimes just to get taken
advantage of, right?
So when I realized a simple noor here are some other resources
could have helped, I got time,peace and a part of me, me back.
(13:29):
I didn't know I had lost.
You hear that when you start toset those boundaries, you get
pieces of yourself back, or youstart to tune in, tap in and
learn pieces of yourself thatyou didn't even know existed.
Look, then they put me on apool pistol.
(13:53):
Okay, but anyway, here are somefun suggestions for self-care
routines.
Now, y'all know Tone Bone, toneMotivates.
I like to travel and stuff, butit was a time that I wouldn't
even go out to eat by myself.
I wouldn't even go to the mallby myself, guys.
Unless I was working there as akid, I wouldn't even go out to
eat by myself.
I wouldn't even go to the mallby myself, guys.
Like, unless I was workingthere as a kid, I wouldn't even
go by myself.
Now I will set up a reservationin a minute and go.
(14:15):
I will get dressed and go outby myself.
I will sit by the bar, I willget a nice little spot in the
corner of a nice restaurant andchill the hell out Me myself and
I, beyonce voice Okay, straightlike that.
But you don't have to always dothings like that.
You can travel alone.
(14:36):
You could take a local roadtrip or you can simply have a
date night with yourself Dressup, order your favorite food and
binge, watch your guiltypleasure.
Show no judgment, no judgment.
Okay.
Now let's discuss how a strongself-relationship affects other
(14:58):
relationships.
See, I know I got another storytime right.
Story time, story time, storytime.
So I noticed while dating a guythat he was very flighty, like
always, would run or disappear,and he would do this anytime.
We had serious things todiscuss or I was demanding his
emotional vulnerability by beingemotional vulnerable myself.
(15:21):
It could be days, weeks andeven months sometimes, but he
would come back with an apologyor something he needed from me,
business-wise, and wiggle hisway back in, just for the same
thing to happen again and againdown the road.
Finally, I said hmm, tone, andTone was like hmm.
(15:42):
I realized that not only did hehave his own issues, like
everyone does, but he was also ahuge deflector and manipulator,
because he would make me feellike I was doing something wrong
because I was expressive whenin all actuality he didn't
express enough.
So it made it seem like I wasalways coming from a place of I,
(16:05):
when it was the only place thatI could come from, because I
did not have a basis or anythingknowledgeable about him to know
, to go off of, to be relatableor personable or to know his
perspective.
So what I did was I tookaccountability because he only
(16:27):
came and went because I, Iallowed him to.
When I started really valuingmy own time and energy, I
noticed my friendships becamemore balanced and respectful,
and if it was not balanced andrespectful, those friendships
(16:51):
became non-existent.
Now, ain't nothing wrong withthat, because some people are
not meant to grow with you,literally.
Some people are there forchapters of your life.
They don't they're not therefor the entire story, and I
understand that, because I'mthat same person in other
people's stories.
And it's fine as long as youare being your best self, baby.
(17:11):
If I'm in your way, by allmeans please tell me to move out
the way, but simply put motives.
When you have a strongrelationship with yourself, you
set the tone for how otherstreat you, you become more
confident, you set healthierboundaries and attract
relationships that are morefulfilling.
It's like being the director ofyour own movie.
(17:35):
You decide the storyline, thecast and the kind of
relationships that play astarring role in your life.
The only thing is, once thatstory is over, once that movie
is done, that's it for us.
That is it for us, and I swearI'd be like I'd be trying to get
it together in this lifetime,because the way God set up baby
(17:57):
and the way he got a sense ofhumor, he'll reincarnate me as
myself.
Like god damn it, I gotta do itover.
You know what I mean.
Same person over and over.
You know what I mean.
But at the end of the day, youhave to realize the kind of
relationships that play astarring role in your life and,
if you want them there, if thisis a lead role, if this is just
(18:17):
an extra walking down the streetlike an SVU on Law and Order
when they getting hot dogs, theywalk into the office and
there's people walking by.
Sometimes some people's part inyour lives is just to walk on
by.
They're not there to stay andhave those conversations and
those growths and those growingpains with you and all that.
They're not there for that.
All right, let that sink in.
(18:41):
Here are some practical tips forstrengthening your relationship
with yourself.
The first one is practicepositive self-talk Instead of
saying I'm so bad at this, try,I'm learning and that's okay.
It's like being your owncheerleader.
Now you know, I'll tell you ina minute.
I don't have losses, I havelessons.
(19:02):
Baby, if I lose, that ain't noloss.
I just learned something andthat's still going to make me
level up and it's going to helpme learn what to do and what not
to do in a future similarsituation as that.
The second tip spend qualitytime with yourself.
So many people are scared to bealone.
(19:22):
I will sit alone in a minute.
It'd be so quiet in my damnhouse besides my son talking and
screaming at his boys on hisgame.
I know when he get up and go tothe bathroom mind you, have his
own bathroom.
I'm in my room.
I got my own bathroom door shut, everything I know.
If he got got up and went tothe bathroom that night, I could
tell you when he go in thekitchen to get something to
drink.
I hear everything becausethat's how quiet it is, because
(19:47):
I love being by myself and Iknow that that's okay.
It's okay.
Sometimes you need that andsometimes you need it without no
distraction.
It might call for a binge day,you might binge a season, or
whatever the case may be.
Chocolates, candy, pizza, allthat I love all that.
I do that sometimes.
But sometimes you just have tobe with yourself in silence as
(20:09):
well.
A lot of people think thatsitting and meditating is doing
hum, you know what I mean.
All that.
It's not.
Sometimes it's literallysitting, disconnected from
everything.
Ain't no tv, ain't no phone,ain't no tablet.
You just ain't no music.
You just with yourself, byyourself and by yourself,
(20:30):
breathe in and out, and that'sit.
You feel me.
Now you can spend quality timewith yourself by going on solo
adventures, whether it's a hike,a coffee date or even just a
walk in the park.
Enjoy your own company.
Lastly, celebrate your smallwins.
Did you finally tackle thatpile of laundry?
(20:51):
High five yourself.
It's the little things thatbuild confidence.
Stop playing with it.
I love doing laundry, but Ifind that a lot of people don't.
So, anyway, you ain't going toget me started.
But, in conclusion, become yourown best friend.
Remember, at the end of the day, you're stuck with yourself, so
you might as well make it thebest relationship you've ever
had, and, who knows, you mightjust find that you're actually
(21:13):
pretty great company.
Start with a strongrelationship with yourself and
watch how your connections withothers flourish, because when
you're your own best friend, youbecome the best version of
yourself in every relationshipand, as always, always love.
Hey motives and welcome back to another episode
of Shades of Tone.
Today we're going to be talkingabout building healthy
relationships and starting witha strong relationship with
yourself.
So I know some of you areprobably asking what is a
self-relationship?
(00:22):
Well, as Psych Central articlestates that it encompasses your
feelings about yourself, the wayyou treat yourself and the
decisions you make for yourself.
Explained by Kate O'Brien, alicensed therapist in New York
that focuses on codependency,grief and emotional trauma, and
(00:45):
you guys can find that articleat psychcentralcom and I will,
of course, be listing that linkin the description.
So let's talk about the secretof healthy relationships.
Now, during a back to schoolmeeting, a fellow teacher got up
and told us who she was notwhat she did, but who she was
(01:09):
and she simply said that shelived by accepting what she can
control and not worrying aboutwhat she couldn't control.
Now, although we'd known eachother for some time, I really
thought about her statement,because we have all tried to
control something out of ourcontrol before, like the jerk in
front of us doing negative fivemiles, or the guy that is
(01:31):
extremely loud with his mufflerthat makes startling sounds, and
you think that shots arerunning off somewhere.
So my point is live in themoment.
You only get this moment once.
So I have a question for youMotives how often do you focus
on building relationship withothers before really
(01:55):
understanding the most importantrelationship, the one with
yourself?
How can we expect to trulyconnect with others if we
haven't connected with ourselvesfirst?
And that's so crazy because alot of people simply get stuck
when someone asks them who theyare.
(02:16):
They start baffling off at.
You know what they do for aliving, they're a mom, they're a
parent, all this stuff.
But the question is who are you?
You know what I mean.
What is it that you do?
What is it that makes you tick?
What do you enjoy?
Stuff like this.
So let's dive in tounderstanding the relationship
(02:39):
with ourselves.
So I used to think self-care wasjust an excuse to binge watch
shows in pajamas all day.
And while that's sometimes partof it ain't no judgment here.
You already know I will take aday in a minute.
It's also about really knowingand accepting who you are.
A strong relationship withyourself is foundation for all
(03:02):
other relationships.
If you're not your own bestfriend, how can you be a good
friend, partner or colleague tosomeone else?
And I know I've said this overand over again you can be your
best friend or your worst enemy.
So pretty much, look at it likethis you wouldn't build a house
on shaky ground, right?
We all know that we need a goodfoundation for the house, or
(03:23):
it's just going to comecrumbling down.
So your relationship withyourself is that a solid
foundation?
Next is self-awareness gettingto know you.
So think about one quirky thingthat you love about yourself.
For me, I have this weird habitof talking to myself, so much
(03:49):
so that I do it around peopleand I don't notice until they're
like huh.
Or are you talking to me andI'm like, oh nah, you know
they'll be like oh well, you'renot crazy unless you start
answering yourself too.
And baby, sometimes I do thattoo.
But hey, again, this is a nojudgment zone, okay.
But my point is self-awarenessis about knowing your quirks,
(04:09):
strengths and areas of growth.
The more you understand whatmakes you tick, the better you
can navigate your interactionwith others.
So as a tip, I encourageself-reflection practices like
journaling.
But make it fun.
Write as if you're narratingthe life of your favorite
character, which is, of course,you.
Let's chat a little bit aboutself-love and embracing your
(04:33):
inner weirdo.
Now y'all know, y'all knowweirdo, quirky, boisterous,
unicorn.
I do not see that as negativeconnotations.
I appreciate them and Iactually look at it like a
compliment because at the end ofthe day I genuinely enjoy
sticking out.
I know that typically when Iwalk in the room there's not too
(04:54):
many people like me in thatroom, and not to say that I'm
tooting my own horn, butsometimes you deserve to do that
.
You know what I mean.
You can be humble but also tootyour own horn in what you are.
So we all have that one awkwardstory like right, so mine is.
Every single time my friendsand I go out, I have this one
(05:18):
particular friend that literallyhas to have this sidebar
conversation to me.
He literally pulls me to theside like tone please do not go
in this club acting crazy.
And honestly he doesn't evenknow that if he didn't say
anything there's a chance that Imight not act like that.
But just because he said it, itreminds me to really let loose,
(05:41):
really be in the moment andwhatever.
So trust me when I tell youNumber one you cannot tell me
I'm not a TikToker, because Iwill TikTok the life out of you.
But in addition to that, I loveto dance.
It's a wonderful outlook outlet.
I should say I've told you guysover and over again that music
(06:02):
writing it has really been asource for me since a child.
It's literally the closestthing to me.
That I would say is not anactual person or being so.
When Chingy, come on, I like itwhen you do it right there,
right there, I'm right there andI'm doing it right there.
(06:22):
Okay, right, I'm right thereand I'm doing it right there.
Okay, um, I am doing whatevermoves.
I remember on them videos fromthe 99s and the 2000s.
It could be the 2023s or 24s,it could be a new tiktok or it
could be old.
But guess what, whether I'mthere with my partner, whether
I'm the only one there, single,with a bunch of friends that are
(06:45):
partnered up, I am going to doevery damn dance as I know it,
even if it's not the right wayand at the end of the day, I'm
not trying to impress nobody.
I am letting go of all of thestress and all of the rigor,
monroe and the extra bull fromthe day and I'm leaving it in
(07:07):
that song, in that club.
Okay.
Self-love is about embracingyour imperfections and weirdness
.
It's about giving yourself thesame love and acceptance you
give your best friend, even whenyou look silly, clearly doing a
dancing routine that you nolonger remember.
So let's have this littleactivity.
(07:30):
So I invite you to think of onething you used to criticize
yourself for and reframe it asunique, lovable trait.
Okay, again, take one thing youused to criticize yourself for
and reframe it as a unique,lovable trait.
So I will share with you againand this was really deep for me.
(07:54):
I actually went on a podcast andI ain't gonna get into
specifics, but it was the 90-10rule and it was a few years ago
and basically I was a rotatingco-host and the guy basically
was following my relationship.
I had just started dating, Ihadn't dated for years and he
(08:15):
was following it and he wouldalways ask me for an update.
And it was a couple months thatI had been there and when I
came, I started talking to himand I completely broke down.
I broke down, honey, like I wascrying on TV.
He had a big audience.
I'm like, oh my God, but at theend of the day I know it was
(08:36):
personable.
So, with that being said, one ofthe reasons why I broke down
was because for a time, I shamedmyself for being transparent
and people judging me.
And now I realize that it'sclearly because I'm doing
something they don't have theballs to do and that's being
authentic.
(08:56):
So I hear over and over again Inever met a person like you, or
you're over communicator, I'mnot an over communicator.
Of course you haven't met aperson like me because I'm not
like regular people.
I'm tapped into a lot of thedifferent facets of myself and I
understand that and I hone thatand I genuinely make it a point
to learn more and more aboutmyself as much as possible,
(09:21):
because we grow and a lot ofpeople think that healing is
just like a one time thing.
Okay, boom, the book's done,closing Nope, baby, you got a
whole nother book, you got awhole, whole damn library, a
whole roll of stuff that youneed to do to continue to grow,
and life is simply not a race,it's a marathon and I live
strongly by that.
(09:43):
And when I realized that I wasgoing to have haters, I was
going to have people that didn'tagree with what I said.
I have family members thatdon't agree with what I say.
Some people don't care for mehaving crystals or cards, and
you know being spiritual and youknow listening to certain
podcasts and shows on YouTube,university and certain videos,
(10:06):
and you know wearing my crystalsand recognizing certain days
and it's like, at the end of theday, I was born and raised in a
church.
I do believe in God, but I alsobelieve that he has a whole
team behind him, baby, dedicatedto me.
Okay, it is team tone, and thatincludes my ancestors, my
spirit guides the universe, mylost loved ones, all of that.
(10:26):
He is not alone.
It's like a whole football teamand some people don't get that
and to each his own.
I don't knock nobody.
You do what you got to do foryou, boo-boo, but you better
believe that I am going to dowhat I have to do for me, all
right, so let's move on.
Self-care is way more than justbubble baths.
(10:48):
Now, don't get me wrong, I willtake a spiritual bath in a
minute.
Baby, get you a little net likea little mesh cloth or cheese
cloth, put all of your herbs andspices and all that stuff in it
.
Throw that sucker in the tubwith some aromatherapy and some
incense and some candles, baby,some good music or a nice little
(11:10):
frequency, because I lovelistening to the specific
frequencies on YouTube orsubliminals and stuff like that.
Oh, I love it.
And I would chill in thebathroom, like I happen to.
I would do not disturb, okay,d-n-d.
But self-care isn't just aboutthat.
And pampering yourself with spadays and chocolate or the
(11:33):
instant gratification ofspurging at the mall Though
those are great because I'vebeen spurging honey.
I have a big announcement thatI'll make later, but I'm a
splurger, but I've learned thatit's just instant gratification.
If I really need it, then I'llgo back and get it, but a lot of
times I won't just get it rightthen and there.
So it's also about settingboundaries right, saying no when
(11:58):
you need to and making sureyou're not pouring from an empty
cup, and I used to do that alot.
It was a time that I was thatyes person for everyone.
Anytime they needed me, I wasthere.
Phone calls, rides, money, youname it.
Whether it's the turn up orturn down, I'm the whole wave.
I'm gonna make you feel betterand I'm still that person.
(12:21):
And some people nowadays mightthink that I'm a little
wishy-washy or I'm funny actingor I'm on my time and you're
absolutely freaking right.
If I ain't on my time, who else?
Time I'm on, you know what Imean.
I'm independent.
I have my own everything.
So, yes, I need people aroundme, but I need people around me
for things that have nothing todo with anything in the
(12:43):
materialistic realm, nothing inthe 3D.
I don't need out of that.
Yes, do I want to be loved howI love others?
Yes, but I'm also okay knowingthat it's a possibility that
that would never happen.
But I'm still going to loveothers the way I want to be
loved, because it's genuine andI'm not looking for anything
(13:05):
back.
So I used to share all thisstuff.
I was always there.
People always reached out to me.
Of course, they took advantage.
I even shared my home a fewtimes just to get taken
advantage of, right?
So when I realized a simple noor here are some other resources
could have helped, I got time,peace and a part of me, me back.
(13:29):
I didn't know I had lost.
You hear that when you start toset those boundaries, you get
pieces of yourself back, or youstart to tune in, tap in and
learn pieces of yourself thatyou didn't even know existed.
Look, then they put me on apool pistol.
(13:53):
Okay, but anyway, here are somefun suggestions for self-care
routines.
Now, y'all know Tone Bone, toneMotivates.
I like to travel and stuff, butit was a time that I wouldn't
even go out to eat by myself.
I wouldn't even go to the mallby myself, guys.
Unless I was working there as akid, I wouldn't even go out to
eat by myself.
I wouldn't even go to the mallby myself, guys.
Like, unless I was workingthere as a kid, I wouldn't even
go by myself.
Now I will set up a reservationin a minute and go.
(14:15):
I will get dressed and go outby myself.
I will sit by the bar, I willget a nice little spot in the
corner of a nice restaurant andchill the hell out Me myself and
I, beyonce voice Okay, straightlike that.
But you don't have to always dothings like that.
You can travel alone.
(14:36):
You could take a local roadtrip or you can simply have a
date night with yourself Dressup, order your favorite food and
binge, watch your guiltypleasure.
Show no judgment, no judgment.
Okay.
Now let's discuss how a strongself-relationship affects other
(14:58):
relationships.
See, I know I got another storytime right.
Story time, story time, storytime.
So I noticed while dating a guythat he was very flighty, like
always, would run or disappear,and he would do this anytime.
We had serious things todiscuss or I was demanding his
emotional vulnerability by beingemotional vulnerable myself.
(15:21):
It could be days, weeks andeven months sometimes, but he
would come back with an apologyor something he needed from me,
business-wise, and wiggle hisway back in, just for the same
thing to happen again and againdown the road.
Finally, I said hmm, tone, andTone was like hmm.
(15:42):
I realized that not only did hehave his own issues, like
everyone does, but he was also ahuge deflector and manipulator,
because he would make me feellike I was doing something wrong
because I was expressive whenin all actuality he didn't
express enough.
So it made it seem like I wasalways coming from a place of I,
(16:05):
when it was the only place thatI could come from, because I
did not have a basis or anythingknowledgeable about him to know
, to go off of, to be relatableor personable or to know his
perspective.
So what I did was I tookaccountability because he only
(16:27):
came and went because I, Iallowed him to.
When I started really valuingmy own time and energy, I
noticed my friendships becamemore balanced and respectful,
and if it was not balanced andrespectful, those friendships
(16:51):
became non-existent.
Now, ain't nothing wrong withthat, because some people are
not meant to grow with you,literally.
Some people are there forchapters of your life.
They don't they're not therefor the entire story, and I
understand that, because I'mthat same person in other
people's stories.
And it's fine as long as youare being your best self, baby.
(17:11):
If I'm in your way, by allmeans please tell me to move out
the way, but simply put motives.
When you have a strongrelationship with yourself, you
set the tone for how otherstreat you, you become more
confident, you set healthierboundaries and attract
relationships that are morefulfilling.
It's like being the director ofyour own movie.
(17:35):
You decide the storyline, thecast and the kind of
relationships that play astarring role in your life.
The only thing is, once thatstory is over, once that movie
is done, that's it for us.
That is it for us, and I swearI'd be like I'd be trying to get
it together in this lifetime,because the way God set up baby
(17:57):
and the way he got a sense ofhumor, he'll reincarnate me as
myself.
Like god damn it, I gotta do itover.
You know what I mean.
Same person over and over.
You know what I mean.
But at the end of the day, youhave to realize the kind of
relationships that play astarring role in your life and,
if you want them there, if thisis a lead role, if this is just
(18:17):
an extra walking down the streetlike an SVU on Law and Order
when they getting hot dogs, theywalk into the office and
there's people walking by.
Sometimes some people's part inyour lives is just to walk on
by.
They're not there to stay andhave those conversations and
those growths and those growingpains with you and all that.
They're not there for that.
All right, let that sink in.
(18:41):
Here are some practical tips forstrengthening your relationship
with yourself.
The first one is practicepositive self-talk Instead of
saying I'm so bad at this, try,I'm learning and that's okay.
It's like being your owncheerleader.
Now you know, I'll tell you ina minute.
I don't have losses, I havelessons.
(19:02):
Baby, if I lose, that ain't noloss.
I just learned something andthat's still going to make me
level up and it's going to helpme learn what to do and what not
to do in a future similarsituation as that.
The second tip spend qualitytime with yourself.
So many people are scared to bealone.
(19:22):
I will sit alone in a minute.
It'd be so quiet in my damnhouse besides my son talking and
screaming at his boys on hisgame.
I know when he get up and go tothe bathroom mind you, have his
own bathroom.
I'm in my room.
I got my own bathroom door shut, everything I know.
If he got got up and went tothe bathroom that night, I could
tell you when he go in thekitchen to get something to
drink.
I hear everything becausethat's how quiet it is, because
(19:47):
I love being by myself and Iknow that that's okay.
It's okay.
Sometimes you need that andsometimes you need it without no
distraction.
It might call for a binge day,you might binge a season, or
whatever the case may be.
Chocolates, candy, pizza, allthat I love all that.
I do that sometimes.
But sometimes you just have tobe with yourself in silence as
(20:09):
well.
A lot of people think thatsitting and meditating is doing
hum, you know what I mean.
All that.
It's not.
Sometimes it's literallysitting, disconnected from
everything.
Ain't no tv, ain't no phone,ain't no tablet.
You just ain't no music.
You just with yourself, byyourself and by yourself,
(20:30):
breathe in and out, and that'sit.
You feel me.
Now you can spend quality timewith yourself by going on solo
adventures, whether it's a hike,a coffee date or even just a
walk in the park.
Enjoy your own company.
Lastly, celebrate your smallwins.
Did you finally tackle thatpile of laundry?
(20:51):
High five yourself.
It's the little things thatbuild confidence.
Stop playing with it.
I love doing laundry, but Ifind that a lot of people don't.
So, anyway, you ain't going toget me started.
But, in conclusion, become yourown best friend.
Remember, at the end of the day, you're stuck with yourself, so
you might as well make it thebest relationship you've ever
had, and, who knows, you mightjust find that you're actually
(21:13):
pretty great company.
Start with a strongrelationship with yourself and
watch how your connections withothers flourish, because when
you're your own best friend, youbecome the best version of
yourself in every relationshipand, as always, always love.
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