October 3, 2025 • 37 mins
Nestled in the tranquility of Godspeed Ranch, this episode unveils the raw, unfiltered journey of healing among first responders. Three guests—each at different stages of their recovery—share how specialized trauma retreats transformed their lives when traditional therapy couldn't reach their deepest wounds.
The conversation centers around the West Coast Post Trauma Retreat (WCPR), a unique program designed specifically for first responders. What makes this approach revolutionary? Cultural competence. As Connor explains, "It's about the only place that you can go and never have to explain the terminology you're using." The clinicians have either served in law enforcement themselves or have close family connections to the profession, creating an environment where participants feel truly understood.
All three guests describe a powerful turning point—Wednesday, the third day of the retreat—when trust finally blossoms. Gentry, a medically retired state trooper, shares how she arrived completely closed off: "By Sunday, there's not a single person there that I would have trusted with any thought that I had. By the end of the week, every single person in that room would have taken a bullet for me." This transformation doesn't come easily. The days are long, running from early morning until late evening, filled with intense emotional work that often brings participants face-to-face with their deepest fears.
Perhaps most revealing is the universal experience of "imposter syndrome" among first responders seeking help. Each guest admits to feeling unworthy—believing they weren't "broken enough," hadn't served long enough, or that others deserved help more. As Brianna, who attended the program for spouses, confesses: "I went out there because I was going to come back with the tools to fix my husband. I didn't realize that some of my childhood is why I had these abandonment issues."
Whether you're a first responder struggling with trauma or someone who loves one, this episode offers a beacon of hope. The healing journey isn't easy, but as these stories demonstrate, finding the right community can make all the difference. Ready to take the first step? Visit our website to learn about our ambassadorship program, where those who've walked this path help guide others toward healing.
https://www.frsn.org/west-coast-post-trauma-retreat.html
If you or someone you know is in crisis and at risk of self-harm, please call or text 988, the suicide and crisis lifeline.
To contact us directly send an email to Dan@10-42project.org or call 515-350-6274
Visit our website! 10-42project.org
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome back for another episode of the Shared
Voices podcast.
Thanks for joining us.
We're out here at GodspeedRanch today.
This is one of the places thatwe take our first responders for
doing equine therapy.
Equine assisted learning iswhat they call it.
We're not allowed to usetherapy word because you have to
have some sort of fancy degreeto be that.
So it's assisted training,beautiful ranch.
(00:22):
Thank you, al and Kelly withGodspeed Equine for allowing us
to come out here and record ourpodcast, but we wanted to bring
it out here somewhere where it'sa little different.
Out of the office you guys canmeet some of the team and we
brought in somebody from Kansasarea.
Apparently they have the sameissue down there.
Apparently, first respondershave trauma down there.
That's weird.
Exactly it doesn't stop at thestate line.
Is it Kansas or Missouriouri?
(00:43):
You guys are all kind of Iworked in kansas, worked in
kansas do you live in missouri?
live in missouri, much betterstate there's always this battle
down there going on, but thankyou for joining us.
We've been at a conference thisweek.
Uh, we just wrapped up with itand there's our news story came
out about our organization thisweek, which was a blessing
really.
Uh, put a spotlight on ourorganization and how we're a
(01:04):
little bit different, how wekind of just love on each other
no guilt, no shame.
Come as you are type, help, andI'm so thankful for the people
that we have here.
I love our organization, Ithink.
Then, I just want to say thisthe news.
I want to say this to channeleight you guys did a great job
covering this.
They could have twisted it youknow you got first responders
and you're talking aboutaddictions, right, but they
(01:24):
didn't.
They really, I thought,represented us well.
I thought they.
I'm so proud of them for that.
So thank you, kcci.
But we're going to go ahead andget started.
If you guys don't know, we havean ambassadorship program with
our organization where we usefirst responders retired first
responders, I don't care ifyou're a fired first responder.
We use people people who'vebeen there, done that to walk
alongside others that are goingthrough it.
(01:46):
We have outings, we haveretreats.
Check out our website, getplugged in.
We are just a community ofpeers who love on one another.
We do outings together, we livelife together and we talk about
our struggles, we talk aboutour victories and we give each
other grace, and I think that'sone thing that's missing in this
(02:07):
first responder world is grace.
I feel like we give a lot ofgrace to the bad guys, but not
each other.
So with us today is Gentry.
You want to go ahead and tellus a little bit about you,
gentry?
Speaker 4 (02:19):
Yes, sir, so I am Gentry Johannes.
I am a medically retired statetrooper from Iowa.
I was around Des Moines here,spent a little less than six
years as a trooper and I wasmedically retired in October of
2023.
Speaker 1 (02:40):
And praise God for all that.
I see how much better you'redoing now.
I just want to say that I'mproud of you.
It's hard to reach out for helpand you did it and I'm proud of
you and I'm proud that you'repart of our team and I love that
because of what you wentthrough, your passion and drive
for our first responders issecond to none.
That's what I love about ourteam is that we're amazing,
(03:04):
amazing people.
Sometimes we're the ones thateverybody thinks our departments
threw us away.
It's like, okay, give us allyour trash and if that's what
you think, we'll turn them intotreasure.
You know, and then we got one ofour board members um, all
around.
She's been in the public healthor mental health for first
responders.
She can tell you a little bitabout her.
Um, her husband was a was adeputy.
Um, an amazing heart for ourfirst responders.
(03:25):
She leads up our familyresources team, so she's going
to be coming.
You know, if spouses, familymembers, are having issues, it's
not just the first responderthat's struggling, it's the
spouse, it's the family.
We want to help get resourcesto them because we believe in
helping the whole family.
So when people are goingthrough struggles.
We want to let you know that ifyour spouses are going through
(03:48):
it, we have help for them too.
We know that they're hurtingand we don't want to leave them
alone.
So Brianna is going to behelping lead that part and
making sure our spouses and thekids of our first responders are
loved on and taken care of andnot forgotten about.
Her heart for this is perfectfor the position.
She could do anything in theorganization, trust me.
(04:10):
But this is where she seems tobe really passionate about is
the family side of it, because Ithink you've noticed there's
not a lot out there, have you?
Speaker 3 (04:16):
Yeah, there's really not anything locally, so I don't
really have to give myself anintroduction.
You did it for me, oh sorry.
Brianna Mink has been spouse ofa medically retired deputy
Awesome.
Speaker 1 (04:30):
Then we got an out-of-stater.
We even let them in.
I got to meet with him.
Gentry went to a retreat andmet him at this retreat.
We're going to talk about thisplace because three of the four
people at this table has gone toa retreat from this
organization Different path, but, but has gone and we want to
share some of that with youtoday.
So, connor, thank you forjoining us.
(04:50):
I got to hear your story lastweek, brother.
I love you.
We're here for you.
Your career was very shortlived, but some people serve a
30 year career and in the shortperiod of time.
And that's what you did.
You got exposed to a lot in ahurry.
I got to hear a little bit ofyour story.
Thank you for being here andbeing open, honest and
vulnerable.
You want to tell us a littlebit about you, connor.
Speaker 2 (05:10):
Yeah, absolutely, my name is Connor Wainscott.
I was a police officer inOlathe, kansas, for about three
and a half years and then had alot of stuff in that three and a
half that led to a disabilityretirement through the state and
since then have just been wentto that retreat that you're
(05:31):
talking about and have been backthree times to uh to volunteer
with them.
Speaker 1 (05:36):
so so you've been there once to get help and then
you saw how much it did for yourlife.
You said, oh, hey, I want to dothat, I want to help, I want to
help out.
Yeah, that's pretty cool andthat's like our organization.
We repurpose first responders,meaning allow them to continue
to help people outside of lawenforcement, because, like that,
one guy said in the one podcastepisode that we're people who
(05:59):
help people.
That's what we are.
We may be a first responder atthe time, but even after that,
we're people who help people,and people who have gone through
some struggles like you havecome out there with compassion
and understanding and that's whyI think this works and there's
nothing nothing againsttherapists, doctors, counselors,
that kind of stuff but there'ssomething about just sitting
down with brothers and sisterswho've been there and done that
and being able to talk open andhonest, without having somebody
(06:23):
there telling you to count to 10or you know things like that,
which they work in and they workin their time.
But sometimes we just need somebrothers and sisters to be
honest with each other.
So thank you for coming up fromKansas to share that.
So I want to hear about thisplace.
I keep hearing about this.
I don't know that W.
Every time I say it I keepthinking that one show in the
(06:43):
eighties WCRP is that what it'scalled.
You don't talk about WKRP, yeah, so who wants to go first?
We'll go with Connor, causehe's volunteered there as a.
You probably know the mostabout it.
Connor, tell us a little bit.
Who is this organization, whatare they and why the heck do
they even care about us?
Speaker 2 (07:01):
Yeah, so it's a?
Uh.
Wcpr stands for West Coast PostTrauma Retreat, wcpr, yep, and
they started in California.
That's where their, theirmothership is, uh, their main
main area.
They have a retreat every twoweeks, so they are year round
and full as can be and full ascan be.
Speaker 3 (07:23):
Can I ask every two weeks, just in Kansas?
Speaker 2 (07:26):
No, in California.
Okay okay, kansas, since we're asatellite spot, we do it every
six months.
Okay, but California does ittwo weeks, and their last time I
(07:47):
think I remember hearing theyhad like a six-month waiting
period even to get into that.
So, um, but what it is isbasically there are certified
clinicians there that lead it,but it's really a peer led
process and it's about six dayslong and there are two to three
clinicians that oversee it withtheir licensure and take on that
responsibility of making sureeverything's done correctly.
(08:08):
But then, past that, there arechaplains from local departments
and then usually about twodozen, maybe a little bit less,
of peers, which is all firstresponder and either those who
have been through it or are onpeer support teams with their
(08:28):
department, but most of the timeit's it's returning clients.
That is so cool.
Speaker 1 (08:33):
So this is a non-profit right.
This organization is anon-profit.
Anybody know?
Yeah, nobody going twice.
Speaker 2 (08:40):
Nobody there.
At least there are paid spotswithin the organization in
california.
But yeah, it's a non-profit.
Speaker 1 (08:48):
Yeah, oh you just be a non-profit and still not paid
right.
Speaker 3 (08:51):
The organization is um first responder support
network correct.
So that's okay, that's whereyour employees are, and then
you've got the, the two retreats, and then everyone that comes
though, as far as I know, arevolunteers, correct?
Speaker 1 (09:06):
That's awesome.
Speaker 3 (09:07):
When you come back as a peer, you're paying your own
expenses to go there and toeither help your brothers and
sisters.
Speaker 1 (09:15):
That's really cool.
So to go to this retreat, is itfree or does it cost?
Speaker 2 (09:21):
It does cost.
Speaker 1 (09:23):
You don't have to say the exact price, but so there's
a cost that it does cost.
Okay, um, you don't have to saythe exact price, but so there's
a cost that it's yeah, there isa cost.
Speaker 2 (09:28):
Uh, I know on their website they have a lot of
different places where you canget uh grants or scholarships.
Um, thankfully I don't know howit is up here in in iowa, but
in the kansas area a lot ofthose departments are very
willing to step up and at leastcover a portion of that.
Speaker 4 (09:45):
I will say just to pick back off that I just went a
few weeks ago and my departmentcovered the whole thing.
Yeah, Wow.
Speaker 1 (09:53):
That's awesome, so don't let funds hold you back
from getting help right.
There's, yeah, ways to get itcovered, ways to get it covered.
So my understanding, brianna,is there's two paths that this
organization has, like a firstresponder path, and then they
have a family path, or a spouseor what do they call that other
path?
Speaker 3 (10:10):
They call it the SOS, so it's significant others and
spouses Okay.
Speaker 1 (10:15):
And that one is separate from the first
responder one correct?
Speaker 3 (10:17):
Correct.
Speaker 1 (10:18):
Wow, that's great.
So then the spouses get to comeand have their own retreat,
because they're dealing withsecondary trauma in a different
way, because they're gettinghelp because of all of us.
I mean, you know, we put them,we put them through that.
So for yours, for the familyside, do they have Kansas City
and no, they are strictly justin California right now, and
they have, I believe, sixretreats a year.
(10:41):
That's awesome For the familiesand that's we need to get.
We're going to be doing thosefor our organization.
We need to get some more of thefamily stuff going, spousal
stuff going.
Speaker 3 (10:49):
I think something else that's important is that
they keep the retreats small.
So I like there was only therewere five of us that went
through when I went, but theywould have maxed us out at six.
Speaker 1 (11:01):
That's perfect size.
I think it really really is.
Speaker 3 (11:04):
Once you get bigger than that it people can get lost
and kind of go off on their ownand feel like they're not part
of the group and yeah, um, Ithink something else that made
it, that is, makes this one somuch different from other places
, is that, um, the clients thatare there, they, the peers,
serve them also and serve themin in so many different ways.
All the way down to, um, wenever cleared our own plates,
(11:28):
like everything.
Speaker 1 (11:31):
So they love on you, they spoil you, oh yeah that's
awesome.
Put your mic just a little bitcloser.
There you go, there you go.
This is kind of a weird settinghere.
These mics are really tall andthe table's tall.
I feel weird.
I feel like I'm looking over mymicrophone hey, gentry, how you
doing over there?
We'll do a different setup nexttime.
This isn't.
This isn't working.
But um, so how does so if afirst responders listening right
(12:02):
now and and they struggle andthey need help and they don't
want their departments to know?
Maybe or is there a way theycan reach out to these people
confidentially?
Do they have to go throughtheir department?
Can they just go on their own?
Do you have to have adepartment letter?
How does that work?
Do we know?
Speaker 2 (12:12):
no, as far as I know, everything is.
It's more so your clinicianthat gives the sign off on
whether or not that's somethingthat you can go to.
Okay, department wide.
I think only one person in mydepartment knew that I actually
went.
Speaker 1 (12:30):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (12:31):
And since then, you know, I've told more, more
people, but and I that personwas only told because they were
willing to help with thefinancial portion of it.
Speaker 1 (12:43):
That's awesome.
So it's not like you have to goblasting it to everybody and
everybody has to know yourbusiness.
Speaker 2 (12:48):
No and it's.
It's very confidential and evenwhen we're there, one of the
things that the clinicians willtell you they they take that
very seriously.
The work that we do there staysthere.
You get to take the benefitsfrom it, but they'll let you
look over whatever paperwork.
(13:08):
They have any notes thatthey've taken to make sure that
you don't have something in yourreport that will backfire later
on if you're working through amedical retirement or something
like that.
So they're very helpful in thatand thoughtful.
Speaker 1 (13:26):
That's fantastic.
So if somebody's out therelistening and you're hurting,
there's a few of these placesout there, but this is the one
that I keep hearing really goodthings about.
I mean, heck, I got three ofthem sitting right here.
That had been there.
So the question is, when anofficer does reach out to this
organization, how do they goabout that?
(13:47):
What is the?
What I'm learning is that wesend people to treatment around
the country, but what I'mlearning is the intake process
for a lot of these places orwhere a lot of people, it's hard
to get through the intake.
It's for some of these.
I mean, they strip you down,they do these kind of weird
things and it's very, especiallyfor first responders.
It can be hard.
Um, is this, is this atmospherekind of, where you come in and
(14:08):
they kind of some of them treatyou like you're druggies and
you're dangerous and all thisstuff, or are you kind of
welcomed and you don't have toget naked and stuff?
Speaker 2 (14:15):
yeah, no, we, we just meet, meet you.
Sorry, I talk real.
No, that's all right, we, uh,we just meet you at your car and
from that point on, yeah, we're, we're serving you as a client
and you know, we ask that anyyou know weapons or anything
like that get left in the car,just for everyone's safety.
We're in a very secluded spotin kansas and it allows us to
(14:38):
kind of let our guard down alittle bit and the family that
runs that place is is superhelpful and they lock up gates
for us and don't allow anyone toto come on maintenance wise or
anything like that.
So it's it's very secluded,beautiful spot and uh, yeah, we
just meet you and get to get toknow about you, start talking
(15:00):
and trying to build thatrelationship.
Speaker 1 (15:02):
That's cool.
I like that it's out in themiddle of nowhere.
That's important and that it'ssafe I mean honestly, we all
people that struggle with ptsdand you're looking around all
the time, you know yeah like.
So it's be able to be, to be ina, in a, in a place where it's
calm, where you can actuallyreceive healing, is very
important.
Um, so what?
If so, once you reach out tohim, was it a long wait, like if
(15:23):
somebody needs to get in?
Is there generally a long waitif somebody wants to reach out?
I know you guys they do notwork for the organization, know
that work for the wcrp, lasvegas radio or whatever it is.
Um, so we don't have all theanswers, but yeah, it really
just depends.
Speaker 2 (15:39):
Uh, in Kansas we only do it six months or every six
months, so I was I was lucky andblessed to to be able to get in
within a month, um, but we dothem in around February and
September.
So depending on when you start,your process obviously dictates
how long you're gonna have towait.
Speaker 1 (15:59):
When you went to California, did it, did you?
How long you're going to haveto wait?
When you went to California,did you fly out there?
Did they take care of that, orwas that part of the overall fee
, or how'd that work?
Speaker 3 (16:06):
No, so I was responsible for my flight,
getting myself out there.
I was the only one coming fromthe Midwest, so I had to fly out
the night before to be able todrive up to this place, um, and
whatnot, but I was responsiblefor all of that okay sort of
stuff, and that's good to knowand we and there's help out
there for that too, for travelexpenses yeah so don't let that
(16:28):
stop you.
Speaker 1 (16:28):
If you, if you want to go to a retreat or something
like that, and maybe theretreat's free or maybe it's not
, but the travel expenses arenot free, don't let that hold
you back.
Reach out to us, we'll.
We'll find a donor, we'll findsomebody to help take care of
that, because our whole goal isto kind of remove all the
barriers that people have to gethelp, and I did not have any
personal expenses for me to goout there at all that's cool and
(16:51):
I know you know you said, goingin, nobody knew anything, but
coming out you told people.
That's kind of how the placeslike this work.
You kind of go in there and youfeel like you're the only
broken one, lost one.
You think, yeah, they're all.
They all may be bad, but they,once they hear me, they're gonna
understand.
I'm a piece of crap.
So you kind of start to like,um, yeah, I don't know where I
(17:12):
was going with that, but whatwas I saying?
Speaker 3 (17:16):
well, I think it's interesting you say that,
because I think one of mystruggles was imposter syndrome.
There you go, it's kind ofinteresting that you, I don't
know.
Speaker 1 (17:24):
Yeah, I struggled hard with imposter syndrome in
the academy and we speak at theacademy every week.
They all still deal with it.
We deal with that impostersyndrome and then you deal with
it.
For me anyway, I dealt with itonce I got into law enforcement
and then once I went todetective.
Like each step of that and yeah, it's, the imposter syndrome is
(17:48):
is probably one of the biggestthings that held me back,
because I thought, becausemyself was telling myself, see,
you're not created to do this,you're not man enough to do this
, you're not this to do that,you know, tell me that lie to do
this.
You're not this to do that, youknow, tell me that lie, because
that's what the enemy wants totell you you don't belong.
Because if he can tell you youdon't belong, then you won't
belong to anything.
You'll be by yourself, you'llbe in isolation, which is what
(18:09):
he wants.
But I love just hearing you guystalk about this organization,
how they meet you, how they meetyou there and they love on you.
Um, gentry, can you what'sday-to-day like there?
I mean, is it are we waking upand we're doing wind sprints and
emdr and all that before coffee, or is it kind of a relaxed
(18:29):
setting, because there's workthat happens at these.
They're not.
It's not a vacation, is it?
no, it's intense yeah you're notdigging ditches, but you're
doing some mental, some mentalhealth work.
Is that right, right?
Speaker 4 (18:39):
Yes, very much so.
So what's it like day to day?
So usually first thing duringthe day there's some optional
stuff you have in the beginningof the morning.
They have yoga pretty early.
If you want to do yoga, you cando yoga.
Speaker 1 (18:50):
I like yogurt.
Do they got yogurt?
Speaker 4 (18:51):
They do have yogurt.
I'll do yogurt, but then afterthat you can go to breakfast if
you want breakfast, and theyhave a chapel time.
It's usually about 15, 20minutes, I think is what it was.
And there's also opportunitieslike in the morning.
If you don't want to do yoga,you can go on a run, go work out
, kind of do your own thing fora little bit, but then once 8.15
(19:18):
hits, that's when your dayreally starts, starts, and that
is when the work really starts,um, and then throughout the day,
basically you do, I mean youyou dive into all the thoughts
and the feelings that you couldpossibly imagine, um, and it's
kind of like structureddifferently, like you'll go into
smaller groups throughout theday, um, or you'll do more like
education type stuff throughoutthe day.
(19:38):
It's just each day isstructured that way, but it's
all about different kind ofstuff, um, but yeah, they're
very, they're also very longdays.
You don't typically get doneuntil.
Correct me if I'm wrong, Ithink it was like eight to ten
at night somewhere.
The first night is usually thelongest, um, but it's all very
challenging work, yeah, so whenyou say challenging, when we say
(20:00):
work, let's unpack that.
Speaker 1 (20:02):
What is work at something like this?
What does challenging mean atsomething like this?
Because it's not physical,although it can be, because I
know for me I get really sickwhen I go to those.
All of a sudden, I have the fluright before I need to go.
So you have those.
But what do we mean by mentalhealth work?
What do we mean by that?
Why is it hard?
Because it's not physicallyhard.
So what's so hard about it?
Speaker 4 (20:24):
For me, the biggest thing, um was I.
I just don't trust people.
Like I don't know, when I evengot there with the first night,
we were, you know, starting tounpack stuff in our big group
and I'm like I haven't told them, I'm like I don't want to be
here, like I'm ready to go home,like I don't want to do this At
one point during the weekConnor can witness this.
I threw a chair Like I was.
I was.
Speaker 1 (20:45):
Atta girl.
Speaker 4 (20:45):
I was over it at a lot of points.
Speaker 1 (20:48):
Sometimes you just got to throw a damn chair.
Speaker 4 (20:50):
Go.
You know you just got to get itout, but it I don't.
I didn't trust people, but bythe end of the week, from the,
from the Sunday that I got there, there's not a single person
there that I would have trustedwith an ounce or anything, any
thought that I had.
By the end of the week, everysingle person in that room would
(21:11):
have taken a bullet for me, andI know it a hundred percent,
wow so it's like we would havetaken it the first day of it.
Yes, I think that's where, likethe challenging work throughout
that that week, like I went fromI didn't want to be there, like
I knew I needed to be there butI didn't didn't want to at the
same time.
But then by the end of the week, all the work that had happened
and just by being served in therelationships that you build
(21:33):
even when you're so reluctant toit, like it was just incredible
so I went to a really bad.
Speaker 1 (21:40):
I've gone to counseling a lot over my life,
but counselors are great.
I like Jeremy's thing.
They're they're good or bad, orthey're like shoes they're good
or bad, or some of them stink.
I like that, but it's.
It's kind of true.
What the heck was I going tosay?
I lose my train of thought.
You, true.
What the heck was I going tosay?
I lose my train of thought?
You guys have been with metoday.
You guys know how ADHD I can beand how much I lose my thought.
(22:01):
Where was I going with that?
This is a fun game we play onthe podcast.
Speaker 4 (22:05):
What was?
Speaker 1 (22:05):
Dan thinking what was he saying for 200?
Speaker 4 (22:10):
Challenging work.
Talking about challenging workduring the week.
Speaker 1 (22:12):
Yeah, what's that?
Trust, trust, so, trust, soyeah, so how long did it take
for that?
For that I don't know.
I know what I was going to sayin this bad counseling one.
The guy didn't peel the youngand he put the day money on the
table and hit it with a slowjammer and it was like he tried
to break me too fast, too quick,with no trust.
It was very hurtful.
Uh, yeah, it went down a darkplace.
(22:34):
Um see, now I started thinkingabout my trauma and then I
started doing that it's not atall like that.
Speaker 4 (22:40):
I'll just okay.
Speaker 1 (22:41):
I'll just say you see the trauma going on in my head.
Speaker 4 (22:43):
That's like no.
No, I would say that you getthere on a Sunday and you leave
on a Friday.
For me the shift really startedto happen.
Like I noticed that I wasactually starting to trust
people around Wednesday night,like I noticed.
I noticed that Wednesday night,like I, I sat with people for
like 30 minutes after we got alldone with our work and I was
(23:04):
actually wouldn't say I wastalkative, but I was able to sit
there and then, you know, byThursday night, like I'm playing
pickleball, like having a blast.
Speaker 1 (23:12):
That's awesome.
Speaker 4 (23:12):
So I mean it's not like you're expected to be fully
trustworthy and open.
Speaker 1 (23:17):
They're safe about it , right they slowly.
You do it slowly.
It's not like you just walk inthere and start spilling out
everything you've ever donesince fifth grade.
Speaker 3 (23:26):
I feel like they also .
Everyone there is culturallycompetent.
Speaker 1 (23:31):
That's easy to say, that was strong and that matters
.
That makes a huge difference.
Yeah, that they're aware.
At least they'll know thatthey're aware of our job,
they're aware of what we dealwith in a way that you don't
have to mansplain it to them.
Speaker 4 (23:46):
Actually with that too.
Maybe you can help me explain.
All the clinicians there.
Speaker 2 (23:50):
Yeah, so we have the three that we've had this last
retreat.
One did a full career in alocal sheriff's department,
treat um.
One did a full career in alocal sheriff's department.
Another one worked in the fbiand about a decade or so there,
and then the other one has abrother and husband who are in
either law enforcement orfirefighter.
(24:12):
So they all have either done itor been around it, and it's
about the only place that youcan go and never have to explain
the terminology you're using,the things you're talking about.
You don't get these randomlooks of oh my goodness, I can't
believe they're talking aboutthis.
(24:33):
Um, you know my, my clinician,who actually runs, helps run
this she talks about.
If you were to tell the stuffthat you tell me to other
therapists, they would need togo see someone.
Speaker 1 (24:46):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (24:46):
Because it's so.
It's so much different than theaverage person going to get
help.
Speaker 1 (24:51):
Yeah, you see, it's, it's, it's, yeah, a lot of
darkness.
Speaker 2 (24:55):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (24:55):
Yeah, but it sounds like that's what I wanted to get
down to.
It sounds like this place isvery safe with everybody it's
and and I've known gentry for alittle while you made it through
it, girl.
That's awesome, and I know howhard that was for you leaning up
to it and the amount ofdedication you put into that,
(25:16):
the amount of fear that you hadto overcome.
With all of that.
I'm so freaking proud of you.
Thank you, and I know Sheila istoo.
I'm just glad we're all sittinghere.
The family path what's it likeday to day?
Speaker 3 (25:32):
So same thing we get there on Sunday.
Speaker 1 (25:33):
Are we doing yogurt and yoga, or?
Speaker 3 (25:36):
Well, I didn't, because I do not get up at 6 am.
I did show up for chapelbecause chapel was amazing.
That actually, really honestly,that changed a lot of it for me
, in my sense of, with my faith.
Speaker 4 (25:54):
Really.
Speaker 3 (25:54):
It was the chapel aspect there and you don't have
to go to it, but the lady thatwe had out there was just
amazing.
Like I can't even put her intowords, that's cool.
And so that, yeah, changed a lotfor me, but it was family style
.
So we all, like, sat at biground tables, um, uh, all the
(26:17):
clients were together, peerswere in there for some of it,
for, like, the educationalpurposes.
They were the ones leadingthose classes and then we'd
break out into small groups, um,emdr, and they did brain
spotting as well.
Oh cool Individual sessions.
But yeah, no, it was, and wewent from eight, eight, 15 in
the morning until around nineo'clock at night.
(26:38):
Um, and I will say the samething Wednesday was my,
wednesday was my game changer.
Speaker 1 (26:45):
Really, so it took a couple of days.
Speaker 3 (26:47):
Oh yeah.
Speaker 1 (26:48):
Why do you think it took a couple of days?
Speaker 3 (26:50):
Um couple days, oh yeah, why do you think it took a
couple days?
Um, well, I the guard.
Yet I learned that I apparentlyhave some sort of abandonment
issues, um, and so I struggledjust being out there, so far
away from home, um, and so Ijust really I just wanted to be
home and then also I was likethis isn't, this isn't going to
(27:11):
make a difference for me.
Like I know how to do all ofthese same things at home, so
why am I this far from my family, my 2-year-old, that sort of
stuff?
And then, wednesday, I justreally saw a huge shift in my
mindset, and I think it was justbecause we dug so deep in that
(27:32):
group therapy that day.
Speaker 1 (27:35):
So so, but was did so .
Was there a trust that wasbuilt up over those first two
days, though, with the otherpeople around it?
Were you uncomfortable aroundthe staff or the other, the
other family members?
Speaker 3 (27:47):
I would say I was more uncomfortable around the
clients because again thatimposter syndrome they probably
have it worse than I do.
What am I doing here?
I don't fit in.
Um for me, when, um, my husbandhad his officer involved
shooting, I was just hisgirlfriend.
Um, we'd been dating for acouple of years but we weren't
married.
So I really struggled with thatimposter syndrome of like do I
(28:09):
really fit into this.
I wasn't his spouse at the timeand and at that point it'd been
almost, I think we would we'dbeen at like three years, and so
also I was struggling with likeOK, it's been three years, like
get it together.
Why, what's taking you so long?
Speaker 2 (28:26):
So yeah, Well thanks for sharing that.
Yeah, I mean I know kind of thesame.
I struggled.
Wednesday was also my turningpoint.
That usually is for a lot ofpeople, but one of the main
things that was a struggle forme and I think it's kind of the
same for gentry was I mean I was24 when I went through it and
(28:49):
the next closest was like 45 whowas who was a client there.
So I felt this super.
Just like what am I doing here?
Speaker 1 (28:58):
Grandkids feel kind of feel like a grandkid a little
bit, a little bit but it was.
Speaker 2 (29:02):
It was one of those things where it's like you know,
I've only been on for when Ihad my my uh incident.
I had my incident, I had onlybeen on for two, two and a half
years and it just didn't feellike that was my place to be
there when there's guys who havedone 20 years, 20 year careers
(29:22):
and are sitting at this table.
And it was that point when Irealized, after they started
opening up as well, that they'redealing stuff with stuff that
happened one, two, three yearsinto their career and now I've
been dealing with it for twodecades and that's why they're
in such a rough spot and theirfamily's falling apart and
they're alcoholics and all this.
(29:43):
And it was like that was kindof the switch in my mindset to
realize, oh, this is actually ahuge blessing that I had the
right people in my in my life atthe right time to be able to
come to something like this andstart that healing process so
early.
Speaker 1 (29:58):
Yeah, that's.
That's awesome.
You notice how all of us hereit seems like we tried to
disqualify ourselves for forhelp.
You guys.
I see it every day with everyfirst responder we help.
We try to do like oh, yeah,yeah, like, get, get.
No, somebody else will needthat, don't.
I know I need it, but nowthey'll need it worse, or I, I'm
not bad enough, somebody elsehas, they have it worse.
We can't compare our trauma.
I used to do that my wholecareer.
(30:18):
You can't compare your traumabecause if you hurt, you're hurt
.
Dang it, that's all there is toit.
We don't need to compare.
If you get your legs shot andsomebody else gets their legs
shot, that doesn't help you any.
They know that they got shotlike it's, it's like it would.
But thank you for sharing that,because a lot of us feel like
that, going there, the enemywill try to stop us from going,
(30:40):
saying there's either you're notworthy, you don't have it bad
enough, or you don't belongthere, and it's one of the
biggest lies.
He tells us that that stopspeople from getting help is the
fear of getting over that, andit sounds like it takes till
Wednesday for for somebody tokind of loosen up.
But that doesn't surprise meone bit.
Speaker 3 (30:58):
I mean, for first responders really, by Wednesday
is pretty good, I mean well, Imean I left with a certificate
that said I had 42 hours ofintense therapy or something not
therapy, but so I mean you canimagine how many hours we had to
put in to.
It was very intense yeah notnot a retreat walk in the park
(31:20):
like?
Speaker 1 (31:21):
so if there's somebody listening right now
that's scared because they'reafraid it's going to be too much
work or they don't want to,what?
What would you say about thetoo much work thing?
Was it worth it?
Speaker 4 (31:29):
Oh yeah, Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (31:31):
Yeah, it's my most exhausting week of my year and I
want to keep going back.
Speaker 3 (31:40):
That's pretty cool.
I mean, I can walk out of thereand say it changed my life.
I'd do it over and over again.
Speaker 1 (31:45):
That's pretty powerful, Like would you say the
same 100%, it was life-changing.
I can tell the difference whenyou got back.
Yeah, you can tell that youfinally found the place, and
that's another thing.
If you go to a place and itdoesn't work, don't quit.
Not every place is foreverybody and we've had people
(32:05):
we sent that they go to anorganization and it's perfect
for them, and the next person wesend it's a complete flop and
that's okay.
Speaker 3 (32:14):
That's okay, they're also.
One of the spouses in my groupalso was she was going to go
back and go through the programa second time.
So they've actually had otherpeople that have gone through it
multiple times because they hadso much that they needed to
work through.
Speaker 1 (32:30):
So is it just trauma Do they talk about, you know,
marriage issues and like thatkind of stuff, like all the
destruction that happens from it, or is it everybody's wiggling
right now?
Speaker 3 (32:42):
What's happening.
Okay, I'm gonna say I went outthere with the mindset of my
husband's done this to me.
He's what has made me soirritable and angry and put me
in this bad spot spot, because,by God, I was not going to be
the suspects, I was not going tobe another victim in this, and
so I I, I don't know, it's justI went out there because I was
(33:08):
going to come back with thetools to fix my husband, because
then that was going to fixeverything in my life.
Um, and that's not.
I mean you cover so much like.
I am somebody that I would say Igrew up with little to no
childhood.
I have an, a square of a one.
My parents got divorced.
Like I did not realize that you, you know, some of my childhood
(33:29):
is why I had these abandonmentissues or why I don't like to
leave home.
No, you dig deep, but it's likeand like.
While I said no, I think myfocus for my other trauma, or my
underlying trauma, is going tobe something else.
And they went a totallydifferent route, and I'm glad
that they did.
Speaker 1 (33:48):
Wow, so why were you doing that?
Speaker 4 (33:51):
It's uh, I can't even explain it Like you go in there
thinking like, oh, they'regoing to hit on the same stuff
that I've been going to therapyfor, I think, five years,
multiple different therapists.
You know it didn't really feellike things were really working
for me, but they care about youand love you so much that they
(34:13):
and I'm not saying that you knowthe therapists and stuff that
I've seen don't care and don'tlove, but it's just so much more
intense because you live withthese people for a week that
they hit on things in a way thatI don't want to like spoil it
for anybody that goes there, butthey hit on things that make
you feel like somebody trulycares about you, like a hundred
(34:35):
percent, like coming fromsomebody that I couldn't tell
you.
the last time I fully trustedsomebody and every single person
in that room that I was therethat week that I went I just
went three weeks ago I think itwas I know for a fact they would
all take a bullet for me in aheartbeat, like they just hit on
things in a way that it just sohealing and it's like connor
(34:56):
said too like it's not like yougo in there thinking that you
have to talk about only the, thework stuff.
They hit on aspects that youdon't think that you're going
down there to talk about and ituh hits you in a different way.
Speaker 1 (35:08):
so yeah, and we need.
We need places like thisbecause if we could fix it on
ourself, we would have done it.
If we could fix it, we wouldhave done it.
We need help.
We need places like this andit's so refreshing to hear about
a place who loves on everybodyso well.
It's hard to find and I don'tknow these people.
You guys should reach out to us.
I want to get to know you andmaybe have you on the podcast as
well, but I love the heart ofthis place and I know you know I
(35:32):
met connor just recently, but,knowing the two of you and what
they've done for you, I've seenit and I think it's pretty
amazing.
So we're going to go and closeout this episode.
We're going to do another onehere for anybody wants to stick
around.
We're going to cover some morethings, but I really wanted to
get this one out there becausethis is a place you can reach
out to.
Right now.
You can go ahead and reach outto them, whether it's imagine
you go to their website.
Speaker 2 (35:54):
Yeah, I mean, just a quick Google search will get you
to whatever web page you need,and the beauty is there's, I
think, four or five differentlocations around the US that are
doing them, so it's not alwaysa long wait.
Speaker 1 (36:07):
Okay, and I'll put a link into the, into the
description stuff too, so youhave it.
So, before we leave gentry, anylast words on this place and I
keep.
I keep looking at you and I'mmade this but because I know
that.
I know and I don't want toshare too much, but I know the
the struggle you had finding theright help like.
It took a while and we tried alot of different things, but
that's okay.
(36:28):
We we keep trying and and so I'mso excited to get goosebumps
because I saw how many thingsyou've tried and then to see
this and the fruits of it.
It's pretty powerful, so checkthem out.
What's the name of it?
Again, I don't know.
Speaker 2 (36:39):
Somebody tell me the name of this place west coast
post trauma retreat and it'sthrough the first responder
support network there it is.
Speaker 1 (36:45):
It sounds like an organization, you guys.
You know, if you realize ourorganization and a lot of
organizations, it's not anythingcomplicated we're doing.
We're getting back to thebiblical principles of loving on
each other, giving each othergrace, giving each other
forgiveness and being incommunity.
It's really.
What we do is kind of simple wejust show up and we're real.
So thank you guys for beinghere and sharing that, because
(37:07):
there's people listening rightnow that this could be the very
first day they start theirhealing journey, because you
guys had the courage to shareyour imperfections.
So thank you.
I know that's hard, but itmatters.
So thank you for tuning in.
Looks like we've got about 41minutes.
We love you, guys and we'll seeyou on the next episode.
Welcome back for another episode of the Shared
Voices podcast.
Thanks for joining us.
We're out here at GodspeedRanch today.
This is one of the places thatwe take our first responders for
doing equine therapy.
Equine assisted learning iswhat they call it.
We're not allowed to usetherapy word because you have to
have some sort of fancy degreeto be that.
So it's assisted training,beautiful ranch.
(00:22):
Thank you, al and Kelly withGodspeed Equine for allowing us
to come out here and record ourpodcast, but we wanted to bring
it out here somewhere where it'sa little different.
Out of the office you guys canmeet some of the team and we
brought in somebody from Kansasarea.
Apparently they have the sameissue down there.
Apparently, first respondershave trauma down there.
That's weird.
Exactly it doesn't stop at thestate line.
Is it Kansas or Missouriouri?
(00:43):
You guys are all kind of Iworked in kansas, worked in
kansas do you live in missouri?
live in missouri, much betterstate there's always this battle
down there going on, but thankyou for joining us.
We've been at a conference thisweek.
Uh, we just wrapped up with itand there's our news story came
out about our organization thisweek, which was a blessing
really.
Uh, put a spotlight on ourorganization and how we're a
(01:04):
little bit different, how wekind of just love on each other
no guilt, no shame.
Come as you are type, help, andI'm so thankful for the people
that we have here.
I love our organization, Ithink.
Then, I just want to say thisthe news.
I want to say this to channeleight you guys did a great job
covering this.
They could have twisted it youknow you got first responders
and you're talking aboutaddictions, right, but they
(01:24):
didn't.
They really, I thought,represented us well.
I thought they.
I'm so proud of them for that.
So thank you, kcci.
But we're going to go ahead andget started.
If you guys don't know, we havean ambassadorship program with
our organization where we usefirst responders retired first
responders, I don't care ifyou're a fired first responder.
We use people people who'vebeen there, done that to walk
alongside others that are goingthrough it.
(01:46):
We have outings, we haveretreats.
Check out our website, getplugged in.
We are just a community ofpeers who love on one another.
We do outings together, we livelife together and we talk about
our struggles, we talk aboutour victories and we give each
other grace, and I think that'sone thing that's missing in this
(02:07):
first responder world is grace.
I feel like we give a lot ofgrace to the bad guys, but not
each other.
So with us today is Gentry.
You want to go ahead and tellus a little bit about you,
gentry?
Speaker 4 (02:19):
Yes, sir, so I am Gentry Johannes.
I am a medically retired statetrooper from Iowa.
I was around Des Moines here,spent a little less than six
years as a trooper and I wasmedically retired in October of
2023.
Speaker 1 (02:40):
And praise God for all that.
I see how much better you'redoing now.
I just want to say that I'mproud of you.
It's hard to reach out for helpand you did it and I'm proud of
you and I'm proud that you'repart of our team and I love that
because of what you wentthrough, your passion and drive
for our first responders issecond to none.
That's what I love about ourteam is that we're amazing,
(03:04):
amazing people.
Sometimes we're the ones thateverybody thinks our departments
threw us away.
It's like, okay, give us allyour trash and if that's what
you think, we'll turn them intotreasure.
You know, and then we got one ofour board members um, all
around.
She's been in the public healthor mental health for first
responders.
She can tell you a little bitabout her.
Um, her husband was a was adeputy.
Um, an amazing heart for ourfirst responders.
(03:25):
She leads up our familyresources team, so she's going
to be coming.
You know, if spouses, familymembers, are having issues, it's
not just the first responderthat's struggling, it's the
spouse, it's the family.
We want to help get resourcesto them because we believe in
helping the whole family.
So when people are goingthrough struggles.
We want to let you know that ifyour spouses are going through
(03:48):
it, we have help for them too.
We know that they're hurtingand we don't want to leave them
alone.
So Brianna is going to behelping lead that part and
making sure our spouses and thekids of our first responders are
loved on and taken care of andnot forgotten about.
Her heart for this is perfectfor the position.
She could do anything in theorganization, trust me.
(04:10):
But this is where she seems tobe really passionate about is
the family side of it, because Ithink you've noticed there's
not a lot out there, have you?
Speaker 3 (04:16):
Yeah, there's really not anything locally, so I don't
really have to give myself anintroduction.
You did it for me, oh sorry.
Brianna Mink has been spouse ofa medically retired deputy
Awesome.
Speaker 1 (04:30):
Then we got an out-of-stater.
We even let them in.
I got to meet with him.
Gentry went to a retreat andmet him at this retreat.
We're going to talk about thisplace because three of the four
people at this table has gone toa retreat from this
organization Different path, but, but has gone and we want to
share some of that with youtoday.
So, connor, thank you forjoining us.
(04:50):
I got to hear your story lastweek, brother.
I love you.
We're here for you.
Your career was very shortlived, but some people serve a
30 year career and in the shortperiod of time.
And that's what you did.
You got exposed to a lot in ahurry.
I got to hear a little bit ofyour story.
Thank you for being here andbeing open, honest and
vulnerable.
You want to tell us a littlebit about you, connor.
Speaker 2 (05:10):
Yeah, absolutely, my name is Connor Wainscott.
I was a police officer inOlathe, kansas, for about three
and a half years and then had alot of stuff in that three and a
half that led to a disabilityretirement through the state and
since then have just been wentto that retreat that you're
(05:31):
talking about and have been backthree times to uh to volunteer
with them.
Speaker 1 (05:36):
so so you've been there once to get help and then
you saw how much it did for yourlife.
You said, oh, hey, I want to dothat, I want to help, I want to
help out.
Yeah, that's pretty cool andthat's like our organization.
We repurpose first responders,meaning allow them to continue
to help people outside of lawenforcement, because, like that,
one guy said in the one podcastepisode that we're people who
(05:59):
help people.
That's what we are.
We may be a first responder atthe time, but even after that,
we're people who help people,and people who have gone through
some struggles like you havecome out there with compassion
and understanding and that's whyI think this works and there's
nothing nothing againsttherapists, doctors, counselors,
that kind of stuff but there'ssomething about just sitting
down with brothers and sisterswho've been there and done that
and being able to talk open andhonest, without having somebody
(06:23):
there telling you to count to 10or you know things like that,
which they work in and they workin their time.
But sometimes we just need somebrothers and sisters to be
honest with each other.
So thank you for coming up fromKansas to share that.
So I want to hear about thisplace.
I keep hearing about this.
I don't know that W.
Every time I say it I keepthinking that one show in the
(06:43):
eighties WCRP is that what it'scalled.
You don't talk about WKRP, yeah, so who wants to go first?
We'll go with Connor, causehe's volunteered there as a.
You probably know the mostabout it.
Connor, tell us a little bit.
Who is this organization, whatare they and why the heck do
they even care about us?
Speaker 2 (07:01):
Yeah, so it's a?
Uh.
Wcpr stands for West Coast PostTrauma Retreat, wcpr, yep, and
they started in California.
That's where their, theirmothership is, uh, their main
main area.
They have a retreat every twoweeks, so they are year round
and full as can be and full ascan be.
Speaker 3 (07:23):
Can I ask every two weeks, just in Kansas?
Speaker 2 (07:26):
No, in California.
Okay okay, kansas, since we're asatellite spot, we do it every
six months.
Okay, but California does ittwo weeks, and their last time I
(07:47):
think I remember hearing theyhad like a six-month waiting
period even to get into that.
So, um, but what it is isbasically there are certified
clinicians there that lead it,but it's really a peer led
process and it's about six dayslong and there are two to three
clinicians that oversee it withtheir licensure and take on that
responsibility of making sureeverything's done correctly.
(08:08):
But then, past that, there arechaplains from local departments
and then usually about twodozen, maybe a little bit less,
of peers, which is all firstresponder and either those who
have been through it or are onpeer support teams with their
(08:28):
department, but most of the timeit's it's returning clients.
That is so cool.
Speaker 1 (08:33):
So this is a non-profit right.
This organization is anon-profit.
Anybody know?
Yeah, nobody going twice.
Speaker 2 (08:40):
Nobody there.
At least there are paid spotswithin the organization in
california.
But yeah, it's a non-profit.
Speaker 1 (08:48):
Yeah, oh you just be a non-profit and still not paid
right.
Speaker 3 (08:51):
The organization is um first responder support
network correct.
So that's okay, that's whereyour employees are, and then
you've got the, the two retreats, and then everyone that comes
though, as far as I know, arevolunteers, correct?
Speaker 1 (09:06):
That's awesome.
Speaker 3 (09:07):
When you come back as a peer, you're paying your own
expenses to go there and toeither help your brothers and
sisters.
Speaker 1 (09:15):
That's really cool.
So to go to this retreat, is itfree or does it cost?
Speaker 2 (09:21):
It does cost.
Speaker 1 (09:23):
You don't have to say the exact price, but so there's
a cost that it does cost.
Okay, um, you don't have to saythe exact price, but so there's
a cost that it's yeah, there isa cost.
Speaker 2 (09:28):
Uh, I know on their website they have a lot of
different places where you canget uh grants or scholarships.
Um, thankfully I don't know howit is up here in in iowa, but
in the kansas area a lot ofthose departments are very
willing to step up and at leastcover a portion of that.
Speaker 4 (09:45):
I will say just to pick back off that I just went a
few weeks ago and my departmentcovered the whole thing.
Yeah, Wow.
Speaker 1 (09:53):
That's awesome, so don't let funds hold you back
from getting help right.
There's, yeah, ways to get itcovered, ways to get it covered.
So my understanding, brianna,is there's two paths that this
organization has, like a firstresponder path, and then they
have a family path, or a spouseor what do they call that other
path?
Speaker 3 (10:10):
They call it the SOS, so it's significant others and
spouses Okay.
Speaker 1 (10:15):
And that one is separate from the first
responder one correct?
Speaker 3 (10:17):
Correct.
Speaker 1 (10:18):
Wow, that's great.
So then the spouses get to comeand have their own retreat,
because they're dealing withsecondary trauma in a different
way, because they're gettinghelp because of all of us.
I mean, you know, we put them,we put them through that.
So for yours, for the familyside, do they have Kansas City
and no, they are strictly justin California right now, and
they have, I believe, sixretreats a year.
(10:41):
That's awesome For the familiesand that's we need to get.
We're going to be doing thosefor our organization.
We need to get some more of thefamily stuff going, spousal
stuff going.
Speaker 3 (10:49):
I think something else that's important is that
they keep the retreats small.
So I like there was only therewere five of us that went
through when I went, but theywould have maxed us out at six.
Speaker 1 (11:01):
That's perfect size.
I think it really really is.
Speaker 3 (11:04):
Once you get bigger than that it people can get lost
and kind of go off on their ownand feel like they're not part
of the group and yeah, um, Ithink something else that made
it, that is, makes this one somuch different from other places
, is that, um, the clients thatare there, they, the peers,
serve them also and serve themin in so many different ways.
All the way down to, um, wenever cleared our own plates,
(11:28):
like everything.
Speaker 1 (11:31):
So they love on you, they spoil you, oh yeah that's
awesome.
Put your mic just a little bitcloser.
There you go, there you go.
This is kind of a weird settinghere.
These mics are really tall andthe table's tall.
I feel weird.
I feel like I'm looking over mymicrophone hey, gentry, how you
doing over there?
We'll do a different setup nexttime.
This isn't.
This isn't working.
But um, so how does so if afirst responders listening right
(12:02):
now and and they struggle andthey need help and they don't
want their departments to know?
Maybe or is there a way theycan reach out to these people
confidentially?
Do they have to go throughtheir department?
Can they just go on their own?
Do you have to have adepartment letter?
How does that work?
Do we know?
Speaker 2 (12:12):
no, as far as I know, everything is.
It's more so your clinicianthat gives the sign off on
whether or not that's somethingthat you can go to.
Okay, department wide.
I think only one person in mydepartment knew that I actually
went.
Speaker 1 (12:30):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (12:31):
And since then, you know, I've told more, more
people, but and I that personwas only told because they were
willing to help with thefinancial portion of it.
Speaker 1 (12:43):
That's awesome.
So it's not like you have to goblasting it to everybody and
everybody has to know yourbusiness.
Speaker 2 (12:48):
No and it's.
It's very confidential and evenwhen we're there, one of the
things that the clinicians willtell you they they take that
very seriously.
The work that we do there staysthere.
You get to take the benefitsfrom it, but they'll let you
look over whatever paperwork.
(13:08):
They have any notes thatthey've taken to make sure that
you don't have something in yourreport that will backfire later
on if you're working through amedical retirement or something
like that.
So they're very helpful in thatand thoughtful.
Speaker 1 (13:26):
That's fantastic.
So if somebody's out therelistening and you're hurting,
there's a few of these placesout there, but this is the one
that I keep hearing really goodthings about.
I mean, heck, I got three ofthem sitting right here.
That had been there.
So the question is, when anofficer does reach out to this
organization, how do they goabout that?
(13:47):
What is the?
What I'm learning is that wesend people to treatment around
the country, but what I'mlearning is the intake process
for a lot of these places orwhere a lot of people, it's hard
to get through the intake.
It's for some of these.
I mean, they strip you down,they do these kind of weird
things and it's very, especiallyfor first responders.
It can be hard.
Um, is this, is this atmospherekind of, where you come in and
(14:08):
they kind of some of them treatyou like you're druggies and
you're dangerous and all thisstuff, or are you kind of
welcomed and you don't have toget naked and stuff?
Speaker 2 (14:15):
yeah, no, we, we just meet, meet you.
Sorry, I talk real.
No, that's all right, we, uh,we just meet you at your car and
from that point on, yeah, we're, we're serving you as a client
and you know, we ask that anyyou know weapons or anything
like that get left in the car,just for everyone's safety.
We're in a very secluded spotin kansas and it allows us to
(14:38):
kind of let our guard down alittle bit and the family that
runs that place is is superhelpful and they lock up gates
for us and don't allow anyone toto come on maintenance wise or
anything like that.
So it's it's very secluded,beautiful spot and uh, yeah, we
just meet you and get to get toknow about you, start talking
(15:00):
and trying to build thatrelationship.
Speaker 1 (15:02):
That's cool.
I like that it's out in themiddle of nowhere.
That's important and that it'ssafe I mean honestly, we all
people that struggle with ptsdand you're looking around all
the time, you know yeah like.
So it's be able to be, to be ina, in a, in a place where it's
calm, where you can actuallyreceive healing, is very
important.
Um, so what?
If so, once you reach out tohim, was it a long wait, like if
(15:23):
somebody needs to get in?
Is there generally a long waitif somebody wants to reach out?
I know you guys they do notwork for the organization, know
that work for the wcrp, lasvegas radio or whatever it is.
Um, so we don't have all theanswers, but yeah, it really
just depends.
Speaker 2 (15:39):
Uh, in Kansas we only do it six months or every six
months, so I was I was lucky andblessed to to be able to get in
within a month, um, but we dothem in around February and
September.
So depending on when you start,your process obviously dictates
how long you're gonna have towait.
Speaker 1 (15:59):
When you went to California, did it, did you?
How long you're going to haveto wait?
When you went to California,did you fly out there?
Did they take care of that, orwas that part of the overall fee
, or how'd that work?
Speaker 3 (16:06):
No, so I was responsible for my flight,
getting myself out there.
I was the only one coming fromthe Midwest, so I had to fly out
the night before to be able todrive up to this place, um, and
whatnot, but I was responsiblefor all of that okay sort of
stuff, and that's good to knowand we and there's help out
there for that too, for travelexpenses yeah so don't let that
(16:28):
stop you.
Speaker 1 (16:28):
If you, if you want to go to a retreat or something
like that, and maybe theretreat's free or maybe it's not
, but the travel expenses arenot free, don't let that hold
you back.
Reach out to us, we'll.
We'll find a donor, we'll findsomebody to help take care of
that, because our whole goal isto kind of remove all the
barriers that people have to gethelp, and I did not have any
personal expenses for me to goout there at all that's cool and
(16:51):
I know you know you said, goingin, nobody knew anything, but
coming out you told people.
That's kind of how the placeslike this work.
You kind of go in there and youfeel like you're the only
broken one, lost one.
You think, yeah, they're all.
They all may be bad, but they,once they hear me, they're gonna
understand.
I'm a piece of crap.
So you kind of start to like,um, yeah, I don't know where I
(17:12):
was going with that, but whatwas I saying?
Speaker 3 (17:16):
well, I think it's interesting you say that,
because I think one of mystruggles was imposter syndrome.
There you go, it's kind ofinteresting that you, I don't
know.
Speaker 1 (17:24):
Yeah, I struggled hard with imposter syndrome in
the academy and we speak at theacademy every week.
They all still deal with it.
We deal with that impostersyndrome and then you deal with
it.
For me anyway, I dealt with itonce I got into law enforcement
and then once I went todetective.
Like each step of that and yeah, it's, the imposter syndrome is
(17:48):
is probably one of the biggestthings that held me back,
because I thought, becausemyself was telling myself, see,
you're not created to do this,you're not man enough to do this
, you're not this to do that,you know, tell me that lie to do
this.
You're not this to do that, youknow, tell me that lie, because
that's what the enemy wants totell you you don't belong.
Because if he can tell you youdon't belong, then you won't
belong to anything.
You'll be by yourself, you'llbe in isolation, which is what
(18:09):
he wants.
But I love just hearing you guystalk about this organization,
how they meet you, how they meetyou there and they love on you.
Um, gentry, can you what'sday-to-day like there?
I mean, is it are we waking upand we're doing wind sprints and
emdr and all that before coffee, or is it kind of a relaxed
(18:29):
setting, because there's workthat happens at these.
They're not.
It's not a vacation, is it?
no, it's intense yeah you're notdigging ditches, but you're
doing some mental, some mentalhealth work.
Is that right, right?
Speaker 4 (18:39):
Yes, very much so.
So what's it like day to day?
So usually first thing duringthe day there's some optional
stuff you have in the beginningof the morning.
They have yoga pretty early.
If you want to do yoga, you cando yoga.
Speaker 1 (18:50):
I like yogurt.
Do they got yogurt?
Speaker 4 (18:51):
They do have yogurt.
I'll do yogurt, but then afterthat you can go to breakfast if
you want breakfast, and theyhave a chapel time.
It's usually about 15, 20minutes, I think is what it was.
And there's also opportunitieslike in the morning.
If you don't want to do yoga,you can go on a run, go work out
, kind of do your own thing fora little bit, but then once 8.15
(19:18):
hits, that's when your dayreally starts, starts, and that
is when the work really starts,um, and then throughout the day,
basically you do, I mean youyou dive into all the thoughts
and the feelings that you couldpossibly imagine, um, and it's
kind of like structureddifferently, like you'll go into
smaller groups throughout theday, um, or you'll do more like
education type stuff throughoutthe day.
(19:38):
It's just each day isstructured that way, but it's
all about different kind ofstuff, um, but yeah, they're
very, they're also very longdays.
You don't typically get doneuntil.
Correct me if I'm wrong, Ithink it was like eight to ten
at night somewhere.
The first night is usually thelongest, um, but it's all very
challenging work, yeah, so whenyou say challenging, when we say
(20:00):
work, let's unpack that.
Speaker 1 (20:02):
What is work at something like this?
What does challenging mean atsomething like this?
Because it's not physical,although it can be, because I
know for me I get really sickwhen I go to those.
All of a sudden, I have the fluright before I need to go.
So you have those.
But what do we mean by mentalhealth work?
What do we mean by that?
Why is it hard?
Because it's not physicallyhard.
So what's so hard about it?
Speaker 4 (20:24):
For me, the biggest thing, um was I.
I just don't trust people.
Like I don't know, when I evengot there with the first night,
we were, you know, starting tounpack stuff in our big group
and I'm like I haven't told them, I'm like I don't want to be
here, like I'm ready to go home,like I don't want to do this At
one point during the weekConnor can witness this.
I threw a chair Like I was.
I was.
Speaker 1 (20:45):
Atta girl.
Speaker 4 (20:45):
I was over it at a lot of points.
Speaker 1 (20:48):
Sometimes you just got to throw a damn chair.
Speaker 4 (20:50):
Go.
You know you just got to get itout, but it I don't.
I didn't trust people, but bythe end of the week, from the,
from the Sunday that I got there, there's not a single person
there that I would have trustedwith an ounce or anything, any
thought that I had.
By the end of the week, everysingle person in that room would
(21:11):
have taken a bullet for me, andI know it a hundred percent,
wow so it's like we would havetaken it the first day of it.
Yes, I think that's where, likethe challenging work throughout
that that week, like I went fromI didn't want to be there, like
I knew I needed to be there butI didn't didn't want to at the
same time.
But then by the end of the week, all the work that had happened
and just by being served in therelationships that you build
(21:33):
even when you're so reluctant toit, like it was just incredible
so I went to a really bad.
Speaker 1 (21:40):
I've gone to counseling a lot over my life,
but counselors are great.
I like Jeremy's thing.
They're they're good or bad, orthey're like shoes they're good
or bad, or some of them stink.
I like that, but it's.
It's kind of true.
What the heck was I going tosay?
I lose my train of thought.
You, true.
What the heck was I going tosay?
I lose my train of thought?
You guys have been with metoday.
You guys know how ADHD I can beand how much I lose my thought.
(22:01):
Where was I going with that?
This is a fun game we play onthe podcast.
Speaker 4 (22:05):
What was?
Speaker 1 (22:05):
Dan thinking what was he saying for 200?
Speaker 4 (22:10):
Challenging work.
Talking about challenging workduring the week.
Speaker 1 (22:12):
Yeah, what's that?
Trust, trust, so, trust, soyeah, so how long did it take
for that?
For that I don't know.
I know what I was going to sayin this bad counseling one.
The guy didn't peel the youngand he put the day money on the
table and hit it with a slowjammer and it was like he tried
to break me too fast, too quick,with no trust.
It was very hurtful.
Uh, yeah, it went down a darkplace.
(22:34):
Um see, now I started thinkingabout my trauma and then I
started doing that it's not atall like that.
Speaker 4 (22:40):
I'll just okay.
Speaker 1 (22:41):
I'll just say you see the trauma going on in my head.
Speaker 4 (22:43):
That's like no.
No, I would say that you getthere on a Sunday and you leave
on a Friday.
For me the shift really startedto happen.
Like I noticed that I wasactually starting to trust
people around Wednesday night,like I noticed.
I noticed that Wednesday night,like I, I sat with people for
like 30 minutes after we got alldone with our work and I was
(23:04):
actually wouldn't say I wastalkative, but I was able to sit
there and then, you know, byThursday night, like I'm playing
pickleball, like having a blast.
Speaker 1 (23:12):
That's awesome.
Speaker 4 (23:12):
So I mean it's not like you're expected to be fully
trustworthy and open.
Speaker 1 (23:17):
They're safe about it , right they slowly.
You do it slowly.
It's not like you just walk inthere and start spilling out
everything you've ever donesince fifth grade.
Speaker 3 (23:26):
I feel like they also .
Everyone there is culturallycompetent.
Speaker 1 (23:31):
That's easy to say, that was strong and that matters
.
That makes a huge difference.
Yeah, that they're aware.
At least they'll know thatthey're aware of our job,
they're aware of what we dealwith in a way that you don't
have to mansplain it to them.
Speaker 4 (23:46):
Actually with that too.
Maybe you can help me explain.
All the clinicians there.
Speaker 2 (23:50):
Yeah, so we have the three that we've had this last
retreat.
One did a full career in alocal sheriff's department,
treat um.
One did a full career in alocal sheriff's department.
Another one worked in the fbiand about a decade or so there,
and then the other one has abrother and husband who are in
either law enforcement orfirefighter.
(24:12):
So they all have either done itor been around it, and it's
about the only place that youcan go and never have to explain
the terminology you're using,the things you're talking about.
You don't get these randomlooks of oh my goodness, I can't
believe they're talking aboutthis.
(24:33):
Um, you know my, my clinician,who actually runs, helps run
this she talks about.
If you were to tell the stuffthat you tell me to other
therapists, they would need togo see someone.
Speaker 1 (24:46):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (24:46):
Because it's so.
It's so much different than theaverage person going to get
help.
Speaker 1 (24:51):
Yeah, you see, it's, it's, it's, yeah, a lot of
darkness.
Speaker 2 (24:55):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (24:55):
Yeah, but it sounds like that's what I wanted to get
down to.
It sounds like this place isvery safe with everybody it's
and and I've known gentry for alittle while you made it through
it, girl.
That's awesome, and I know howhard that was for you leaning up
to it and the amount ofdedication you put into that,
(25:16):
the amount of fear that you hadto overcome.
With all of that.
I'm so freaking proud of you.
Thank you, and I know Sheila istoo.
I'm just glad we're all sittinghere.
The family path what's it likeday to day?
Speaker 3 (25:32):
So same thing we get there on Sunday.
Speaker 1 (25:33):
Are we doing yogurt and yoga, or?
Speaker 3 (25:36):
Well, I didn't, because I do not get up at 6 am.
I did show up for chapelbecause chapel was amazing.
That actually, really honestly,that changed a lot of it for me
, in my sense of, with my faith.
Speaker 4 (25:54):
Really.
Speaker 3 (25:54):
It was the chapel aspect there and you don't have
to go to it, but the lady thatwe had out there was just
amazing.
Like I can't even put her intowords, that's cool.
And so that, yeah, changed a lotfor me, but it was family style
.
So we all, like, sat at biground tables, um, uh, all the
(26:17):
clients were together, peerswere in there for some of it,
for, like, the educationalpurposes.
They were the ones leadingthose classes and then we'd
break out into small groups, um,emdr, and they did brain
spotting as well.
Oh cool Individual sessions.
But yeah, no, it was, and wewent from eight, eight, 15 in
the morning until around nineo'clock at night.
(26:38):
Um, and I will say the samething Wednesday was my,
wednesday was my game changer.
Speaker 1 (26:45):
Really, so it took a couple of days.
Speaker 3 (26:47):
Oh yeah.
Speaker 1 (26:48):
Why do you think it took a couple of days?
Speaker 3 (26:50):
Um couple days, oh yeah, why do you think it took a
couple days?
Um, well, I the guard.
Yet I learned that I apparentlyhave some sort of abandonment
issues, um, and so I struggledjust being out there, so far
away from home, um, and so Ijust really I just wanted to be
home and then also I was likethis isn't, this isn't going to
(27:11):
make a difference for me.
Like I know how to do all ofthese same things at home, so
why am I this far from my family, my 2-year-old, that sort of
stuff?
And then, wednesday, I justreally saw a huge shift in my
mindset, and I think it was justbecause we dug so deep in that
(27:32):
group therapy that day.
Speaker 1 (27:35):
So so, but was did so .
Was there a trust that wasbuilt up over those first two
days, though, with the otherpeople around it?
Were you uncomfortable aroundthe staff or the other, the
other family members?
Speaker 3 (27:47):
I would say I was more uncomfortable around the
clients because again thatimposter syndrome they probably
have it worse than I do.
What am I doing here?
I don't fit in.
Um for me, when, um, my husbandhad his officer involved
shooting, I was just hisgirlfriend.
Um, we'd been dating for acouple of years but we weren't
married.
So I really struggled with thatimposter syndrome of like do I
(28:09):
really fit into this.
I wasn't his spouse at the timeand and at that point it'd been
almost, I think we would we'dbeen at like three years, and so
also I was struggling with likeOK, it's been three years, like
get it together.
Why, what's taking you so long?
Speaker 2 (28:26):
So yeah, Well thanks for sharing that.
Yeah, I mean I know kind of thesame.
I struggled.
Wednesday was also my turningpoint.
That usually is for a lot ofpeople, but one of the main
things that was a struggle forme and I think it's kind of the
same for gentry was I mean I was24 when I went through it and
(28:49):
the next closest was like 45 whowas who was a client there.
So I felt this super.
Just like what am I doing here?
Speaker 1 (28:58):
Grandkids feel kind of feel like a grandkid a little
bit, a little bit but it was.
Speaker 2 (29:02):
It was one of those things where it's like you know,
I've only been on for when Ihad my my uh incident.
I had my incident, I had onlybeen on for two, two and a half
years and it just didn't feellike that was my place to be
there when there's guys who havedone 20 years, 20 year careers
(29:22):
and are sitting at this table.
And it was that point when Irealized, after they started
opening up as well, that they'redealing stuff with stuff that
happened one, two, three yearsinto their career and now I've
been dealing with it for twodecades and that's why they're
in such a rough spot and theirfamily's falling apart and
they're alcoholics and all this.
(29:43):
And it was like that was kindof the switch in my mindset to
realize, oh, this is actually ahuge blessing that I had the
right people in my in my life atthe right time to be able to
come to something like this andstart that healing process so
early.
Speaker 1 (29:58):
Yeah, that's.
That's awesome.
You notice how all of us hereit seems like we tried to
disqualify ourselves for forhelp.
You guys.
I see it every day with everyfirst responder we help.
We try to do like oh, yeah,yeah, like, get, get.
No, somebody else will needthat, don't.
I know I need it, but nowthey'll need it worse, or I, I'm
not bad enough, somebody elsehas, they have it worse.
We can't compare our trauma.
I used to do that my wholecareer.
(30:18):
You can't compare your traumabecause if you hurt, you're hurt
.
Dang it, that's all there is toit.
We don't need to compare.
If you get your legs shot andsomebody else gets their legs
shot, that doesn't help you any.
They know that they got shotlike it's, it's like it would.
But thank you for sharing that,because a lot of us feel like
that, going there, the enemywill try to stop us from going,
(30:40):
saying there's either you're notworthy, you don't have it bad
enough, or you don't belongthere, and it's one of the
biggest lies.
He tells us that that stopspeople from getting help is the
fear of getting over that, andit sounds like it takes till
Wednesday for for somebody tokind of loosen up.
But that doesn't surprise meone bit.
Speaker 3 (30:58):
I mean, for first responders really, by Wednesday
is pretty good, I mean well, Imean I left with a certificate
that said I had 42 hours ofintense therapy or something not
therapy, but so I mean you canimagine how many hours we had to
put in to.
It was very intense yeah notnot a retreat walk in the park
(31:20):
like?
Speaker 1 (31:21):
so if there's somebody listening right now
that's scared because they'reafraid it's going to be too much
work or they don't want to,what?
What would you say about thetoo much work thing?
Was it worth it?
Speaker 4 (31:29):
Oh yeah, Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (31:31):
Yeah, it's my most exhausting week of my year and I
want to keep going back.
Speaker 3 (31:40):
That's pretty cool.
I mean, I can walk out of thereand say it changed my life.
I'd do it over and over again.
Speaker 1 (31:45):
That's pretty powerful, Like would you say the
same 100%, it was life-changing.
I can tell the difference whenyou got back.
Yeah, you can tell that youfinally found the place, and
that's another thing.
If you go to a place and itdoesn't work, don't quit.
Not every place is foreverybody and we've had people
(32:05):
we sent that they go to anorganization and it's perfect
for them, and the next person wesend it's a complete flop and
that's okay.
Speaker 3 (32:14):
That's okay, they're also.
One of the spouses in my groupalso was she was going to go
back and go through the programa second time.
So they've actually had otherpeople that have gone through it
multiple times because they hadso much that they needed to
work through.
Speaker 1 (32:30):
So is it just trauma Do they talk about, you know,
marriage issues and like thatkind of stuff, like all the
destruction that happens from it, or is it everybody's wiggling
right now?
Speaker 3 (32:42):
What's happening.
Okay, I'm gonna say I went outthere with the mindset of my
husband's done this to me.
He's what has made me soirritable and angry and put me
in this bad spot spot, because,by God, I was not going to be
the suspects, I was not going tobe another victim in this, and
so I I, I don't know, it's justI went out there because I was
(33:08):
going to come back with thetools to fix my husband, because
then that was going to fixeverything in my life.
Um, and that's not.
I mean you cover so much like.
I am somebody that I would say Igrew up with little to no
childhood.
I have an, a square of a one.
My parents got divorced.
Like I did not realize that you, you know, some of my childhood
(33:29):
is why I had these abandonmentissues or why I don't like to
leave home.
No, you dig deep, but it's likeand like.
While I said no, I think myfocus for my other trauma, or my
underlying trauma, is going tobe something else.
And they went a totallydifferent route, and I'm glad
that they did.
Speaker 1 (33:48):
Wow, so why were you doing that?
Speaker 4 (33:51):
It's uh, I can't even explain it Like you go in there
thinking like, oh, they'regoing to hit on the same stuff
that I've been going to therapyfor, I think, five years,
multiple different therapists.
You know it didn't really feellike things were really working
for me, but they care about youand love you so much that they
(34:13):
and I'm not saying that you knowthe therapists and stuff that
I've seen don't care and don'tlove, but it's just so much more
intense because you live withthese people for a week that
they hit on things in a way thatI don't want to like spoil it
for anybody that goes there, butthey hit on things that make
you feel like somebody trulycares about you, like a hundred
(34:35):
percent, like coming fromsomebody that I couldn't tell
you.
the last time I fully trustedsomebody and every single person
in that room that I was therethat week that I went I just
went three weeks ago I think itwas I know for a fact they would
all take a bullet for me in aheartbeat, like they just hit on
things in a way that it just sohealing and it's like connor
(34:56):
said too like it's not like yougo in there thinking that you
have to talk about only the, thework stuff.
They hit on aspects that youdon't think that you're going
down there to talk about and ituh hits you in a different way.
Speaker 1 (35:08):
so yeah, and we need.
We need places like thisbecause if we could fix it on
ourself, we would have done it.
If we could fix it, we wouldhave done it.
We need help.
We need places like this andit's so refreshing to hear about
a place who loves on everybodyso well.
It's hard to find and I don'tknow these people.
You guys should reach out to us.
I want to get to know you andmaybe have you on the podcast as
well, but I love the heart ofthis place and I know you know I
(35:32):
met connor just recently, but,knowing the two of you and what
they've done for you, I've seenit and I think it's pretty
amazing.
So we're going to go and closeout this episode.
We're going to do another onehere for anybody wants to stick
around.
We're going to cover some morethings, but I really wanted to
get this one out there becausethis is a place you can reach
out to.
Right now.
You can go ahead and reach outto them, whether it's imagine
you go to their website.
Speaker 2 (35:54):
Yeah, I mean, just a quick Google search will get you
to whatever web page you need,and the beauty is there's, I
think, four or five differentlocations around the US that are
doing them, so it's not alwaysa long wait.
Speaker 1 (36:07):
Okay, and I'll put a link into the, into the
description stuff too, so youhave it.
So, before we leave gentry, anylast words on this place and I
keep.
I keep looking at you and I'mmade this but because I know
that.
I know and I don't want toshare too much, but I know the
the struggle you had finding theright help like.
It took a while and we tried alot of different things, but
that's okay.
(36:28):
We we keep trying and and so I'mso excited to get goosebumps
because I saw how many thingsyou've tried and then to see
this and the fruits of it.
It's pretty powerful, so checkthem out.
What's the name of it?
Again, I don't know.
Speaker 2 (36:39):
Somebody tell me the name of this place west coast
post trauma retreat and it'sthrough the first responder
support network there it is.
Speaker 1 (36:45):
It sounds like an organization, you guys.
You know, if you realize ourorganization and a lot of
organizations, it's not anythingcomplicated we're doing.
We're getting back to thebiblical principles of loving on
each other, giving each othergrace, giving each other
forgiveness and being incommunity.
It's really.
What we do is kind of simple wejust show up and we're real.
So thank you guys for beinghere and sharing that, because
(37:07):
there's people listening rightnow that this could be the very
first day they start theirhealing journey, because you
guys had the courage to shareyour imperfections.
So thank you.
I know that's hard, but itmatters.
So thank you for tuning in.
Looks like we've got about 41minutes.
We love you, guys and we'll seeyou on the next episode.
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