November 18, 2025 • 24 mins
The laughter at the ranch fades when Breanna opens up about loving a first responder through an officer-involved shooting, postpartum turbulence, and the quiet exhaustion of being everyone’s caretaker. She didn’t grow up in the culture, but working in a jail gave her a front-row seat to stress. What she didn’t expect was how much of that stress would follow her home, how isolating the spouse role can be, and how quickly compassion can run dry when you never get to decompress.
We walked through the day, and everything changed. Breanna explains why healing isn’t a finish line; it’s a practice built from small habits that hold under pressure. The turning point came at an SOS retreat for significant others and spouses. She arrived ready to fix her husband and left with something harder and more hopeful: the courage to start with herself. That shift—owning needs, setting boundaries, and communicating clearly—reshaped their marriage and gave their kids a steadier home.
If you’re a first responder partner who feels invisible or stuck waiting for your loved one to “go first,” this conversation offers a map. We share practical tools for decompression, simple check-in rituals, and language that cuts through defensiveness. We also talk about building real community outside the department, from local spouse meetups to future retreats in the Midwest, so no one has to navigate trauma alone. Need support or resources?
Breanna is available at Breanna@10-42project.org or 515-418-0350. If this resonated, subscribe, share with a friend who needs it, and leave a review to help more families find their way back to solid ground.
Reach out to Breanna: Breanna@10-42project.org or 515-418-0350. No one walks alone
If you or someone you know is in crisis and at risk of self-harm, please call or text 988, the suicide and crisis lifeline.
To contact us directly send an email to Dan@10-42project.org or call 515-350-6274
Visit our website! 10-42project.org
Check us out on social media!
Youtube: @1042project
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Instagram: 1042_project
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
unknown (00:01):
What's that?
SPEAKER_03 (00:02):
Don't worry about me.
I'm just trying to figure out.
SPEAKER_02 (00:04):
You guys do you.
SPEAKER_00 (00:05):
He's just over there strapping everything down.
unknown (00:09):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (00:10):
Hey, that's all right.
Hey, you find out.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (00:13):
There's just a there's weight to it.
SPEAKER_00 (00:14):
Yeah.
And it kind of like I kind oflike the idea you were just
doing.
Why did you unstrap it?
SPEAKER_02 (00:18):
Yeah, I because you guys won't let me focus long
enough to get it figured out.
All right.
SPEAKER_00 (00:22):
Hey, everybody let Jake focus.
Ready?
Brianna, are you letting himfocus?
Yes.
Okay.
SPEAKER_02 (00:26):
Stop breathing so loud.
SPEAKER_00 (00:28):
Go breathe.
Jake's trying to get hisheadphones strapped.
There you go.
There we go.
SPEAKER_02 (00:35):
That's better.
SPEAKER_00 (00:36):
Oh, by the way, we're live.
Welcome to the shared voicespodcast.
Got some friends with us todaythat some of you may know or not
know.
Jake's just getting settled inhere and we're just having some
fun.
Hi, Jake.
SPEAKER_03 (00:47):
Hey, Dan.
Thanks for being in a minute.
SPEAKER_00 (00:51):
We're glad you're with you, Jake.
Hi, Jetry.
SPEAKER_01 (00:54):
Hi, Dan.
SPEAKER_00 (00:56):
How you doing, Brian?
I see everybody giggling.
SPEAKER_01 (00:58):
I'm doing great.
SPEAKER_00 (01:00):
Well, man, I'm glad to have all you guys on.
Hey, we don't have a guest todaybecause why do we need one
sometimes?
All of us have enough to say.
So yeah, we brought everybody onhere today.
We're just going to have some,we're going to have a
conversation or two.
We're back out at GodspeedEquine back at the ranch.
Beautiful ranch, just a littlechilly today.
You may hear the wind howling alittle bit.
(01:23):
That is not Jake howling, thatis the wind.
But uh, we're just happy to behere and we're gonna get started
with uh Brianna.
Um Brianna, last time on acouple episodes ago, you were on
there, and we got to talk alittle bit about um you and and
your husband Jim, who was adeputy, and kind of some of the
(01:45):
struggles, some of the calls hewas on that really kind of
impacted not just him, but itimpacted your whole family.
Um so I kind of wanted to jumpback in that um for this
episode, and Jake and Gentry canchime in as well.
Everybody kind of has their ownquestions and their own stories,
but um what tell us a little bitabout you and Jim.
(02:06):
When you get married a uh apolice officer, um, when did you
serve when you did that, whendid you learn that this wasn't
just a normal job or or were youraised around a first responder
world?
Did you know what you weregetting into when you when you
said I do to a to a firstresponder?
SPEAKER_01 (02:24):
Well, I was not raised around it.
Um I actually had startedworking in uh the jail.
I'd been there for probably ayear or so um before I met Jim.
Um and so I kind of had like myown interactions uh with you
know the inmates and the and lawenforcement personnel before I
(02:47):
kind of jumped headfirst into arelationship with um an officer.
SPEAKER_00 (02:51):
So But you were working in the jail, you weren't
in jail, right?
Correct.
I was working I was yes, yes.
I was uh at that time anyway.
All right.
I thought maybe Jim was the onefeeding you like Yes.
So you went into the you wentinto the first responder world
on your own.
SPEAKER_01 (03:11):
Yeah, yeah, you could say that.
SPEAKER_00 (03:13):
Okay, and then you came across um hunky, hunky
hunky man.
SPEAKER_01 (03:17):
It was the canine that did it for me.
SPEAKER_00 (03:22):
This is making sense now.
So tell me that story.
Um you must have had a dog.
SPEAKER_01 (03:27):
Yes, yes.
Uh he had canine rage.
Um and I just I loved dogsalready.
And so um the sheriff took meout one day and was like, hey, I
want you to meet this dog.
And and then I actually ended upmeeting Jim as well.
So I was hooked, hooked up withthe dog.
SPEAKER_00 (03:46):
That's great.
So what if we wouldn't have hada dog?
No, I'm just kidding.
Don't answer that.
SPEAKER_01 (03:50):
Yeah, he might listen to this.
SPEAKER_00 (03:52):
Did you say the dog's name was Rage?
SPEAKER_01 (03:53):
Yes, her name was Rage.
Wow, she was Shepherd, GermanShepherd.
Uh no, she was Belgian Mal.
unknown (03:58):
Ah, okay.
SPEAKER_00 (03:59):
I understand that name.
All right.
Sometimes I feel rage, man.
I get better every day, but man,sometimes I still struggle.
SPEAKER_03 (04:05):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (04:06):
The dog named Rage.
I uh I can't wait to get my dog.
I know you have a dog, but Ican't wait to get one.
I think about it every day.
Yeah, they're a blessing.
The more I don't have one, themore I realize how much I need
one.
You know, just going around,meeting with different people,
going around, and it just itwould help me a lot.
And I think it'd help a lot ofpeople a lot.
So you so you meet dog, you meetthe you meet Jim.
(04:29):
Um, so how did it go from youguys meeting he had a dog to now
you're married and you are now aspouse of a first responder?
Well, um it was spin the bottleand landed on Jim.
SPEAKER_01 (04:45):
Yes, that that's pretty much what it was.
Um no, I we just connected on alot of different things and um
you know, and it was it was fun.
This I mean it was an excitingworld to kind of step into um
and really get more um involved,I guess, throughout our dating.
(05:14):
Like I ride-alongs, um ri goingwith him out to uh we went out
to Iowa City and I rode like asa matron to pick up some pick up
an inmate and and whatnot.
So I don't know, we just kind ofconnected, spent a lot of time
together and and now here weare, I don't even know how many
years, six or seven years later,I think.
(05:36):
I don't know.
SPEAKER_00 (05:36):
Yeah.
So awesome.
Yeah.
So uh going in going into thegoing into the relationship, you
probably didn't know at thattime, you know, you being a
first responder, working in ajail, him being a first
responder, did you how longbefore you guys started having a
relationship?
Well, it was probably before yougot married, right?
Because isn't that when Jim'sincident happened?
Yeah.
Um you guys kind of got thrownin the fire right away.
SPEAKER_01 (05:58):
Yeah.
So we had dated for probablyabout a year.
Um, yeah, we started dating in2018, and then um his
officer-involved shooting wasOctober 17th of 2019.
Um, and so that's kind of whereI I really struggled with my
imposter syndrome was that Iwasn't his spouse at the time.
Um, we'd just kind of beendating, and so I was just like,
(06:21):
okay, you know, what I'm justhis girlfriend, so trauma
doesn't affect the girlfriends,right?
Right.
You have to be you have to be aspouse for for the trauma to get
to you.
But um, and so yeah, that whichyou know this there could be
something with that because thetrauma really didn't impact me
until I was the spouse.
(06:41):
Um really.
Uh just being a smart ass there.
SPEAKER_00 (06:45):
Um I uh yes, it just once you put the ring on, then
the trauma comes with the ring.
Okay.
SPEAKER_01 (06:50):
Yes, yes.
SPEAKER_00 (06:51):
Um well, I know this.
There's a lot of peoplelistening right now that are in
a relationship with a firstresponder, and I know that
sometimes you kind of feel likeyou don't belong when you're not
married.
It's hard enough as a spouse tobe included into healing, into
the the first responder world.
Um it's like there's somespecial as long as you have a
(07:12):
ring, then all of a sudden we'llhelp you, which I think is
silly.
If you're in a relationship witha first responder, it shouldn't
matter whether you're married ornot.
Trauma's trauma.
Um when when we go through hardthings, it we go through hard
things.
And I know for most of thepeople I meet with on a regular
basis that reach out to ourorganization for help, it's um
(07:36):
they're struggling with theirmarriage.
And a lot of us because of thetrauma, and a lot of us don't
know how to deal and handle andcope with trauma within a
relationship.
And when we go through that, itcan either draw us closer
together if we're intentional,or it can push us apart.
Um so for anybody who islistening and you're in that
position where you're like, hey,I'm in a relationship with the
(07:57):
first responder, but maybe I'mnot married.
You still matter.
You matter to us, you areincluded in everything we do.
Um so please know that youbelong.
Because I know a lot of peoplewe meet with, they don't feel
like they belong to anything,but you belong here.
And I'm sure that's probably alittle bit what you had to feel
with is like, what's my roleduring that?
SPEAKER_01 (08:17):
Yeah, and it's it's very isolating because um if
your spouse isn't opening up toyou or sharing kind of what
they're experiencing in theworkforce, um, or just other
spouses, like if there's not aconnection with those other
spouses, you're extremelyisolated.
And so you don't have anyoneelse to connect with.
(08:38):
Um, and I think that was a ahuge uh thing that I struggled
with was that connection um withother spouses that had gone
through the same ex the exactsame experience that I had with
that exact same shooting.
Um, when we did our debriefing,we did have a spouse one.
Um, and I were working in themental health field at the time
(09:00):
of that.
I was was very active with withthat debriefing and um really
tried to make those connections.
Um, but each one of usexperienced that situation
differently, handled itdifferently, and coped with it
um differently.
And so um I was not able to makethose connections with with
other spouses that were involvedin the exact same incident.
SPEAKER_00 (09:22):
Yeah, I feel like in the in the first responder
world, we like we like to haveclicks and we like to have
groups and we like to includethe ones we want to include and
then exclude everybody else.
Um I think it's dangerous whenwe do that.
When we start to click up ingroups at work and we start to
do it's almost the us againstthem within our own departments,
and we get clicky, and it canhappen at any level, and and and
(09:44):
I think that's what's causing alot of the hurt and the pain is
how we're treating each otherbecause sometimes we don't
include each other, we excludeeach other, or we make people
feel like they don't belong.
Yeah, 100%.
Right.
And when you feel like you don'tbelong, I mean you feel like you
have nowhere to go.
You feel like you don't have acommunity.
And uh I think that's somethingthat probably drew you into our
(10:08):
organization and why you're sucha big part of our organization
now.
SPEAKER_01 (10:12):
Yeah, yep, absolutely.
It's yeah, there's no judgmentand all are welcome.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (10:18):
So you guys have a couple kids?
SPEAKER_01 (10:22):
Yep, yep.
We uh we got married in um 2021and had a baby a couple of
months later.
Um and honestly, it was probablyabout then that I would say
things really started to spiralfor us.
(10:44):
Um because we were a couple ofyears out from the incident.
Um we were to the point, um,like I said, with my history
background in mental health,like Jim was my focus and really
um making sure that Jim hadgotten to where he needed to be
um with his own growth andhealing.
(11:07):
Um and so I I feel like I alsoreally burnt myself out because
I it's what I was doing at workis I'm the mental health and
substance use connection for umthe inmates, and then I'm um,
you know, helping lawenforcement with mental health
calls, and then I'm coming homeand having to sort of continue
(11:30):
that that mental healthcaretaking role.
Um, and so that was that wasdifficult.
And then throwing somepostpartum stuff.
Um, and it just we I say we, Ispiraled um at that point, and I
feel like I finally left that uhfight or flight mode, and I just
was I was sinking.
(11:52):
There was it wasn't was notgood, but I didn't have those
resources around here, so Ididn't know where to turn to.
SPEAKER_00 (11:59):
And it's hard to pour from an empty cup, right?
We only have we only have somany calories of emotions in a
day.
Yeah.
Like, I mean, really, that youget emotionally numb after a
while, whether it's having along day or a long week, um,
there comes a time where you youhave a lot of compassion and
empathy, but you know, a lot oftimes, sometimes at 10 a.m.
(12:19):
I have a lot of compassion andempathy, but check with me at 10
and 10 o'clock at night and Imay not have that, right?
Yeah.
And then then we then we're withthe ones we love the most during
those times, where then whenthey also need help and support,
it can feel like there's nomore, there's never any time for
you to even figure out who youare or where you are or how
(12:40):
you're doing.
SPEAKER_01 (12:41):
Yeah, I didn't really have any time for like to
decompress from everything thatI had, you know, taken on for
the day at work and then to comehome and and kind of feel like
I'm always on.
Um, so yeah, it was just nothaving that that time and space
to just decompress and andunplug from everything.
SPEAKER_00 (13:01):
Yeah, and I know sometimes for me, at least at
the beginning, I don't anymore.
But especially in your rolewhere you're you're going out
and you're talking about mentalhealth and you're doing all this
stuff and you're helping otherpeople.
I know for me anyway, then I'dget home and then I'm kind of
almost feel like a hypocritebecause here I am struggling and
I'm, you know, and I'm dealingwith it, but you're not a
(13:21):
hypocrite.
Healing is a journey.
Yeah.
It's up and down, and it's it'sI always I always had in my mind
what that healing was just likea it was like you get to the
finish line and you're betterand everything's over, but it's
not like that.
SPEAKER_01 (13:38):
No, it's absolutely not like that.
I mean, it's kind of an ongoingthing and you have to work at it
every day.
Um, and then when you don't workat it, you have your plane catch
up to get back to where youwere.
So, um, which is definitelysomething I mean I've I've seen
along the way um in in ourjourney.
Um is is it just it ebbs andflows, and but you have to make
(14:03):
sure that you are able to havethose conversations with your
spouse, which was something thatI had to learn along the way was
was to be able to have thoseconversations, to communicate
what I need and want from him.
Um, because he doesn't know thatif I don't communicate that.
So that was something that I hadto learn.
Um, the retreat really, um, theSOS retreat really helped with
(14:25):
that.
SPEAKER_00 (14:26):
So um you said something so interesting in the
last episode that you and Irecorded out here.
You said that you went to thatretreat trying to find a way to
fix your husband, but yet youfinally found the answers you
needed, and it had to do withfixing yourself first.
Is that is that how you wordedit?
I don't want to put words inyour mouth, but it was something
to that point of like you wentthere to find answers to fix
(14:48):
him, but you ended up gettinghelp yourself.
SPEAKER_01 (14:50):
Yeah, absolutely.
Um that uh that was what I Ithought I was going out there
for, was because uh he was theproblem, not me.
Um, you know, we were kind of inthis mess because of him.
Um, I was constantly, evenbefore his incident, um, there
(15:11):
was a lot of uh tragic eventsthat happen out there um where
he worked.
And so I was constantly kind ofon him about, you know, you
can't just talk about the callsthat you go on with the other
officers.
Like you need to talk about thatwith somebody else.
You need to go uh get some helpon that because all you guys are
doing are stacking each other'strauma on top of each each
(15:33):
other.
So now we've got a big traumasandwich with multiple officers
stacked in there.
And um it took uh I mean it tooka lot of convincing, but it also
took a lot of um it took a veryserious incident to uh get him
to see that and then and thenstep into that.
(15:57):
And so I'm not gonna lie, like Ithought that I was going out
there to fix him.
Uh but I was what I found was Iwas actually probably using his
trauma to hide my own, to maskthat and say that no, I'm I'm
(16:17):
out here to figure out ways toto fix him, to get him whole
again, um rather than actuallyseeing and accepting what I was
going through and andexperiencing.
SPEAKER_00 (16:28):
I think that's pretty cool, honestly.
That shows the love you have forJim.
Yeah.
You were willing to go throughthe because let's be real, it
can be uncomfortable when you goto these at first.
Yeah.
You were willing to go throughthat and all that.
Because if you thought if Icould bring back one one tool
that could maybe help myhusband, I'm willing to do it.
That's pretty cool.
SPEAKER_01 (16:45):
Yeah.
And I had no idea what I wasgoing to be stepping into going
out out to that retreat,honestly.
Like, I mean, they make aretreat sound like it's sunshine
and rainbows, but I can tell youthat far from.
Yeah, no, no, no.
There was there was a lot ofwork and and healing, and um
yeah, but I'm forever gratefulfor it.
It it changed my life and itchanged it, it you know, changed
(17:07):
my marriage and and has quitehonestly created a a wonderful
solid family unit for mychildren.
SPEAKER_00 (17:16):
I love that.
And that's why like when itcomes to getting help, like we
get help while we're given help.
And you know, you went there totry to find help for for your
husband, and you know, findinghelp for yourself and your
family.
Yeah, I think that's prettycool, and that took a lot of
courage for you to do um andsome uncomfortableness, but it's
uncomfortable either way, if youdon't address it or if you do
(17:37):
address it.
Um, I love it hearing how muchyou and Gentry talk about that
organization and how much theyreally helped both of you.
Um pretty cool, pretty coolplace.
If you guys, if you don't knowabout this, listeners, um
Brianna and Gentry, I'm gonnaturn this over to you for a
couple minutes.
Um, talk about I know Gentry,you were there for the first
(17:58):
responder side, but talk aboutthe family side because there's
a lot of spouses that arehurting and struggling and they
feel like they have to be thesavior for their husband.
You do not have to be the saviorfor the for your husband.
Um encourage him to get help.
Um, but ultimately help we haveto work on ourselves.
And there's a lot of spouses outthere that are struggling, that
(18:20):
are waiting for their husbandsor their their spouses to get
help, and they'll start gettinghelp when their husband starts
getting help.
But there's a way that as aspouse you can help yourself,
whether your husband wants to bepart of it or not.
Um, so let's talk a little bitabout that.
That um, and I know we coveredit, but let's go over it real
quick on the spousal side ofthat trip, what it was like, um,
(18:42):
who it was for, um, andmentioned WC PR.
PR.
Yeah.
All right.
So they have a family side forspouses, correct?
SPEAKER_01 (18:51):
Yep.
SOS, significant others andspouses.
Um, and it's through the firstresponder support network.
Um, and I'm I really liked howwhat you had just said there
about the like I you thinkyou're going out there to help
your spouse, but you're reallygoing out there to help you.
And it doesn't have to be aboutyour spouse.
(19:12):
Like in your healing journey,like you do have the right to be
selfish, I feel like.
Um and by being selfish anddoing that work on for your on
yourself, it just for us, itradiated into our relationship
and and it gave Jim kind of thatdrive to uh want to continue
(19:33):
that healing journey with me.
And that was definitely aconversation that we had when we
returned was, or when Ireturned, was that he had said,
like, you're making this thesesteps of growth, you're moving
on.
And, you know, like what aboutme?
And so it was a hardconversation of uh, well, you I
mean, you either are on thisjourney with me and you move
(19:53):
forward with me, or you staystuck where you're at.
Um, and I don't think I couldhave had that conversation with
him prior to the retreat.
Um, I joked that we couldn'thave done marriage um counseling
because I would have saidsomething that we couldn't come
back from.
And so the retreat really taughtme uh how to communicate uh
(20:13):
better with him.
Um, and it it just, I don'tknow, it was so ironic to me
that like this is what I did allday, every day, and I could tell
people to do this, but Icouldn't do it for myself.
And so um I'm huge in like it'sokay to ask for help and to
utilize those resources and youdon't know what tools that you
don't have in your toolbox thatare out there as well.
(20:35):
So it was just it was reallygreat.
SPEAKER_00 (20:38):
That's awesome.
That's great because so manyspouses want to wait for their
husband to get better, just getbetter yourself.
Correct.
He will your other spouse yourspouse will either join you like
you said, or they won't, butthat's not a that shouldn't
determine if you continue to gethelp for yourself.
SPEAKER_01 (20:55):
Correct.
That shouldn't be, you know, itshouldn't hinder you in your
growth.
Um and so yeah, I it was it wasa struggle, but I mean, once I
understood that, I fullyembraced it and and kind of ran
with it.
And like I said, it just kind ofbled into him as well.
SPEAKER_00 (21:14):
So I love that.
And that's why Brianna uhBrianna is the is running our
our family resources side andour family connection side
because she gets it, she's beenthere, she knows she knows, and
I appreciate you doing that forus because there's a lot of um
family that don't feel likethey're included in the healing
process.
They feel like it's just fortheir first responder.
(21:36):
And I know as we go forward, youand I have talked about you know
building the program up to wherewe have we're having retreats
for spouses to where they cancome and and this you guys can
have your own retreats and helpin a way that um if they can't
go to that other retreat, thatthey can get some help here
locally.
And uh so stay tuned for that.
Coming up, we're gonna havedates for next year's retreats
(21:59):
um coming up, and that's one wedefinitely want to get going.
SPEAKER_01 (22:03):
Yeah, I would love for that because we don't have
anything like that out here umin the Midwest.
And I mean, I don't really knowof much other than the SOS
retreat anywhere else.
So I think it would be a great,great resource to have.
SPEAKER_00 (22:18):
I love it.
I love it.
I think we're gonna shut it downfor now and start another one.
Brianna, thank you so much forsharing that.
I know it's hard to share for meanyway, or sometimes it's hard
to share your family business,right?
It can be tough, but thank youfor sharing that because there's
spouses that are listeninggoing, wow, that's me.
SPEAKER_01 (22:36):
Yep.
SPEAKER_00 (22:36):
That's where I was at.
And I don't want to be thereanymore.
They just don't know how to gethelp.
And I know you are a hugeresource, and I know that you're
okay with people reaching out toyou if they want to talk.
Is that correct?
Yep.
Yep.
What is a good email for themand a good phone number if you
want to share that?
Um because last I knew your newemail is Brianna at
(22:59):
10-42project.org.
Yes, that's Brianna at10-42project.org.
Um reach out to her on that.
Um she would love to getconnected with you.
Um Do you want to share yournumber?
You don't have to if you don'twant to.
SPEAKER_01 (23:15):
Yeah, it doesn't matter.
My number's on my card that uhyou graciously had made for me.
Uh 515-418-0350.
SPEAKER_00 (23:24):
Yeah, so reach out.
You don't have to do this alone.
We may not always be right.
We may not always have theperfect answer, but we promise
we'll be real.
We'll always be real with you.
We care about you.
You're not alone.
Please don't be the please don'tjust sit back and be like, well,
that helps for somebody else.
I don't need it.
It's for you.
(23:45):
It's for you.
If you you're struggling, ifyour marriage is struggling, if
your family is struggling,please don't walk alone.
That's the number one thing thatwe say here in our organization
is that no one walks alone.
So thanks for tuning in, andwe'll see you guys next week.
Have a blessed week, and we loveyou all.
What's that?
SPEAKER_03 (00:02):
Don't worry about me.
I'm just trying to figure out.
SPEAKER_02 (00:04):
You guys do you.
SPEAKER_00 (00:05):
He's just over there strapping everything down.
unknown (00:09):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (00:10):
Hey, that's all right.
Hey, you find out.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (00:13):
There's just a there's weight to it.
SPEAKER_00 (00:14):
Yeah.
And it kind of like I kind oflike the idea you were just
doing.
Why did you unstrap it?
SPEAKER_02 (00:18):
Yeah, I because you guys won't let me focus long
enough to get it figured out.
All right.
SPEAKER_00 (00:22):
Hey, everybody let Jake focus.
Ready?
Brianna, are you letting himfocus?
Yes.
Okay.
SPEAKER_02 (00:26):
Stop breathing so loud.
SPEAKER_00 (00:28):
Go breathe.
Jake's trying to get hisheadphones strapped.
There you go.
There we go.
SPEAKER_02 (00:35):
That's better.
SPEAKER_00 (00:36):
Oh, by the way, we're live.
Welcome to the shared voicespodcast.
Got some friends with us todaythat some of you may know or not
know.
Jake's just getting settled inhere and we're just having some
fun.
Hi, Jake.
SPEAKER_03 (00:47):
Hey, Dan.
Thanks for being in a minute.
SPEAKER_00 (00:51):
We're glad you're with you, Jake.
Hi, Jetry.
SPEAKER_01 (00:54):
Hi, Dan.
SPEAKER_00 (00:56):
How you doing, Brian?
I see everybody giggling.
SPEAKER_01 (00:58):
I'm doing great.
SPEAKER_00 (01:00):
Well, man, I'm glad to have all you guys on.
Hey, we don't have a guest todaybecause why do we need one
sometimes?
All of us have enough to say.
So yeah, we brought everybody onhere today.
We're just going to have some,we're going to have a
conversation or two.
We're back out at GodspeedEquine back at the ranch.
Beautiful ranch, just a littlechilly today.
You may hear the wind howling alittle bit.
(01:23):
That is not Jake howling, thatis the wind.
But uh, we're just happy to behere and we're gonna get started
with uh Brianna.
Um Brianna, last time on acouple episodes ago, you were on
there, and we got to talk alittle bit about um you and and
your husband Jim, who was adeputy, and kind of some of the
(01:45):
struggles, some of the calls hewas on that really kind of
impacted not just him, but itimpacted your whole family.
Um so I kind of wanted to jumpback in that um for this
episode, and Jake and Gentry canchime in as well.
Everybody kind of has their ownquestions and their own stories,
but um what tell us a little bitabout you and Jim.
(02:06):
When you get married a uh apolice officer, um, when did you
serve when you did that, whendid you learn that this wasn't
just a normal job or or were youraised around a first responder
world?
Did you know what you weregetting into when you when you
said I do to a to a firstresponder?
SPEAKER_01 (02:24):
Well, I was not raised around it.
Um I actually had startedworking in uh the jail.
I'd been there for probably ayear or so um before I met Jim.
Um and so I kind of had like myown interactions uh with you
know the inmates and the and lawenforcement personnel before I
(02:47):
kind of jumped headfirst into arelationship with um an officer.
SPEAKER_00 (02:51):
So But you were working in the jail, you weren't
in jail, right?
Correct.
I was working I was yes, yes.
I was uh at that time anyway.
All right.
I thought maybe Jim was the onefeeding you like Yes.
So you went into the you wentinto the first responder world
on your own.
SPEAKER_01 (03:11):
Yeah, yeah, you could say that.
SPEAKER_00 (03:13):
Okay, and then you came across um hunky, hunky
hunky man.
SPEAKER_01 (03:17):
It was the canine that did it for me.
SPEAKER_00 (03:22):
This is making sense now.
So tell me that story.
Um you must have had a dog.
SPEAKER_01 (03:27):
Yes, yes.
Uh he had canine rage.
Um and I just I loved dogsalready.
And so um the sheriff took meout one day and was like, hey, I
want you to meet this dog.
And and then I actually ended upmeeting Jim as well.
So I was hooked, hooked up withthe dog.
SPEAKER_00 (03:46):
That's great.
So what if we wouldn't have hada dog?
No, I'm just kidding.
Don't answer that.
SPEAKER_01 (03:50):
Yeah, he might listen to this.
SPEAKER_00 (03:52):
Did you say the dog's name was Rage?
SPEAKER_01 (03:53):
Yes, her name was Rage.
Wow, she was Shepherd, GermanShepherd.
Uh no, she was Belgian Mal.
unknown (03:58):
Ah, okay.
SPEAKER_00 (03:59):
I understand that name.
All right.
Sometimes I feel rage, man.
I get better every day, but man,sometimes I still struggle.
SPEAKER_03 (04:05):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (04:06):
The dog named Rage.
I uh I can't wait to get my dog.
I know you have a dog, but Ican't wait to get one.
I think about it every day.
Yeah, they're a blessing.
The more I don't have one, themore I realize how much I need
one.
You know, just going around,meeting with different people,
going around, and it just itwould help me a lot.
And I think it'd help a lot ofpeople a lot.
So you so you meet dog, you meetthe you meet Jim.
(04:29):
Um, so how did it go from youguys meeting he had a dog to now
you're married and you are now aspouse of a first responder?
Well, um it was spin the bottleand landed on Jim.
SPEAKER_01 (04:45):
Yes, that that's pretty much what it was.
Um no, I we just connected on alot of different things and um
you know, and it was it was fun.
This I mean it was an excitingworld to kind of step into um
and really get more um involved,I guess, throughout our dating.
(05:14):
Like I ride-alongs, um ri goingwith him out to uh we went out
to Iowa City and I rode like asa matron to pick up some pick up
an inmate and and whatnot.
So I don't know, we just kind ofconnected, spent a lot of time
together and and now here weare, I don't even know how many
years, six or seven years later,I think.
(05:36):
I don't know.
SPEAKER_00 (05:36):
Yeah.
So awesome.
Yeah.
So uh going in going into thegoing into the relationship, you
probably didn't know at thattime, you know, you being a
first responder, working in ajail, him being a first
responder, did you how longbefore you guys started having a
relationship?
Well, it was probably before yougot married, right?
Because isn't that when Jim'sincident happened?
Yeah.
Um you guys kind of got thrownin the fire right away.
SPEAKER_01 (05:58):
Yeah.
So we had dated for probablyabout a year.
Um, yeah, we started dating in2018, and then um his
officer-involved shooting wasOctober 17th of 2019.
Um, and so that's kind of whereI I really struggled with my
imposter syndrome was that Iwasn't his spouse at the time.
Um, we'd just kind of beendating, and so I was just like,
(06:21):
okay, you know, what I'm justhis girlfriend, so trauma
doesn't affect the girlfriends,right?
Right.
You have to be you have to be aspouse for for the trauma to get
to you.
But um, and so yeah, that whichyou know this there could be
something with that because thetrauma really didn't impact me
until I was the spouse.
(06:41):
Um really.
Uh just being a smart ass there.
SPEAKER_00 (06:45):
Um I uh yes, it just once you put the ring on, then
the trauma comes with the ring.
Okay.
SPEAKER_01 (06:50):
Yes, yes.
SPEAKER_00 (06:51):
Um well, I know this.
There's a lot of peoplelistening right now that are in
a relationship with a firstresponder, and I know that
sometimes you kind of feel likeyou don't belong when you're not
married.
It's hard enough as a spouse tobe included into healing, into
the the first responder world.
Um it's like there's somespecial as long as you have a
(07:12):
ring, then all of a sudden we'llhelp you, which I think is
silly.
If you're in a relationship witha first responder, it shouldn't
matter whether you're married ornot.
Trauma's trauma.
Um when when we go through hardthings, it we go through hard
things.
And I know for most of thepeople I meet with on a regular
basis that reach out to ourorganization for help, it's um
(07:36):
they're struggling with theirmarriage.
And a lot of us because of thetrauma, and a lot of us don't
know how to deal and handle andcope with trauma within a
relationship.
And when we go through that, itcan either draw us closer
together if we're intentional,or it can push us apart.
Um so for anybody who islistening and you're in that
position where you're like, hey,I'm in a relationship with the
(07:57):
first responder, but maybe I'mnot married.
You still matter.
You matter to us, you areincluded in everything we do.
Um so please know that youbelong.
Because I know a lot of peoplewe meet with, they don't feel
like they belong to anything,but you belong here.
And I'm sure that's probably alittle bit what you had to feel
with is like, what's my roleduring that?
SPEAKER_01 (08:17):
Yeah, and it's it's very isolating because um if
your spouse isn't opening up toyou or sharing kind of what
they're experiencing in theworkforce, um, or just other
spouses, like if there's not aconnection with those other
spouses, you're extremelyisolated.
And so you don't have anyoneelse to connect with.
(08:38):
Um, and I think that was a ahuge uh thing that I struggled
with was that connection um withother spouses that had gone
through the same ex the exactsame experience that I had with
that exact same shooting.
Um, when we did our debriefing,we did have a spouse one.
Um, and I were working in themental health field at the time
(09:00):
of that.
I was was very active with withthat debriefing and um really
tried to make those connections.
Um, but each one of usexperienced that situation
differently, handled itdifferently, and coped with it
um differently.
And so um I was not able to makethose connections with with
other spouses that were involvedin the exact same incident.
SPEAKER_00 (09:22):
Yeah, I feel like in the in the first responder
world, we like we like to haveclicks and we like to have
groups and we like to includethe ones we want to include and
then exclude everybody else.
Um I think it's dangerous whenwe do that.
When we start to click up ingroups at work and we start to
do it's almost the us againstthem within our own departments,
and we get clicky, and it canhappen at any level, and and and
(09:44):
I think that's what's causing alot of the hurt and the pain is
how we're treating each otherbecause sometimes we don't
include each other, we excludeeach other, or we make people
feel like they don't belong.
Yeah, 100%.
Right.
And when you feel like you don'tbelong, I mean you feel like you
have nowhere to go.
You feel like you don't have acommunity.
And uh I think that's somethingthat probably drew you into our
(10:08):
organization and why you're sucha big part of our organization
now.
SPEAKER_01 (10:12):
Yeah, yep, absolutely.
It's yeah, there's no judgmentand all are welcome.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (10:18):
So you guys have a couple kids?
SPEAKER_01 (10:22):
Yep, yep.
We uh we got married in um 2021and had a baby a couple of
months later.
Um and honestly, it was probablyabout then that I would say
things really started to spiralfor us.
(10:44):
Um because we were a couple ofyears out from the incident.
Um we were to the point, um,like I said, with my history
background in mental health,like Jim was my focus and really
um making sure that Jim hadgotten to where he needed to be
um with his own growth andhealing.
(11:07):
Um and so I I feel like I alsoreally burnt myself out because
I it's what I was doing at workis I'm the mental health and
substance use connection for umthe inmates, and then I'm um,
you know, helping lawenforcement with mental health
calls, and then I'm coming homeand having to sort of continue
(11:30):
that that mental healthcaretaking role.
Um, and so that was that wasdifficult.
And then throwing somepostpartum stuff.
Um, and it just we I say we, Ispiraled um at that point, and I
feel like I finally left that uhfight or flight mode, and I just
was I was sinking.
(11:52):
There was it wasn't was notgood, but I didn't have those
resources around here, so Ididn't know where to turn to.
SPEAKER_00 (11:59):
And it's hard to pour from an empty cup, right?
We only have we only have somany calories of emotions in a
day.
Yeah.
Like, I mean, really, that youget emotionally numb after a
while, whether it's having along day or a long week, um,
there comes a time where you youhave a lot of compassion and
empathy, but you know, a lot oftimes, sometimes at 10 a.m.
(12:19):
I have a lot of compassion andempathy, but check with me at 10
and 10 o'clock at night and Imay not have that, right?
Yeah.
And then then we then we're withthe ones we love the most during
those times, where then whenthey also need help and support,
it can feel like there's nomore, there's never any time for
you to even figure out who youare or where you are or how
(12:40):
you're doing.
SPEAKER_01 (12:41):
Yeah, I didn't really have any time for like to
decompress from everything thatI had, you know, taken on for
the day at work and then to comehome and and kind of feel like
I'm always on.
Um, so yeah, it was just nothaving that that time and space
to just decompress and andunplug from everything.
SPEAKER_00 (13:01):
Yeah, and I know sometimes for me, at least at
the beginning, I don't anymore.
But especially in your rolewhere you're you're going out
and you're talking about mentalhealth and you're doing all this
stuff and you're helping otherpeople.
I know for me anyway, then I'dget home and then I'm kind of
almost feel like a hypocritebecause here I am struggling and
I'm, you know, and I'm dealingwith it, but you're not a
(13:21):
hypocrite.
Healing is a journey.
Yeah.
It's up and down, and it's it'sI always I always had in my mind
what that healing was just likea it was like you get to the
finish line and you're betterand everything's over, but it's
not like that.
SPEAKER_01 (13:38):
No, it's absolutely not like that.
I mean, it's kind of an ongoingthing and you have to work at it
every day.
Um, and then when you don't workat it, you have your plane catch
up to get back to where youwere.
So, um, which is definitelysomething I mean I've I've seen
along the way um in in ourjourney.
Um is is it just it ebbs andflows, and but you have to make
(14:03):
sure that you are able to havethose conversations with your
spouse, which was something thatI had to learn along the way was
was to be able to have thoseconversations, to communicate
what I need and want from him.
Um, because he doesn't know thatif I don't communicate that.
So that was something that I hadto learn.
Um, the retreat really, um, theSOS retreat really helped with
(14:25):
that.
SPEAKER_00 (14:26):
So um you said something so interesting in the
last episode that you and Irecorded out here.
You said that you went to thatretreat trying to find a way to
fix your husband, but yet youfinally found the answers you
needed, and it had to do withfixing yourself first.
Is that is that how you wordedit?
I don't want to put words inyour mouth, but it was something
to that point of like you wentthere to find answers to fix
(14:48):
him, but you ended up gettinghelp yourself.
SPEAKER_01 (14:50):
Yeah, absolutely.
Um that uh that was what I Ithought I was going out there
for, was because uh he was theproblem, not me.
Um, you know, we were kind of inthis mess because of him.
Um, I was constantly, evenbefore his incident, um, there
(15:11):
was a lot of uh tragic eventsthat happen out there um where
he worked.
And so I was constantly kind ofon him about, you know, you
can't just talk about the callsthat you go on with the other
officers.
Like you need to talk about thatwith somebody else.
You need to go uh get some helpon that because all you guys are
doing are stacking each other'strauma on top of each each
(15:33):
other.
So now we've got a big traumasandwich with multiple officers
stacked in there.
And um it took uh I mean it tooka lot of convincing, but it also
took a lot of um it took a veryserious incident to uh get him
to see that and then and thenstep into that.
(15:57):
And so I'm not gonna lie, like Ithought that I was going out
there to fix him.
Uh but I was what I found was Iwas actually probably using his
trauma to hide my own, to maskthat and say that no, I'm I'm
(16:17):
out here to figure out ways toto fix him, to get him whole
again, um rather than actuallyseeing and accepting what I was
going through and andexperiencing.
SPEAKER_00 (16:28):
I think that's pretty cool, honestly.
That shows the love you have forJim.
Yeah.
You were willing to go throughthe because let's be real, it
can be uncomfortable when you goto these at first.
Yeah.
You were willing to go throughthat and all that.
Because if you thought if Icould bring back one one tool
that could maybe help myhusband, I'm willing to do it.
That's pretty cool.
SPEAKER_01 (16:45):
Yeah.
And I had no idea what I wasgoing to be stepping into going
out out to that retreat,honestly.
Like, I mean, they make aretreat sound like it's sunshine
and rainbows, but I can tell youthat far from.
Yeah, no, no, no.
There was there was a lot ofwork and and healing, and um
yeah, but I'm forever gratefulfor it.
It it changed my life and itchanged it, it you know, changed
(17:07):
my marriage and and has quitehonestly created a a wonderful
solid family unit for mychildren.
SPEAKER_00 (17:16):
I love that.
And that's why like when itcomes to getting help, like we
get help while we're given help.
And you know, you went there totry to find help for for your
husband, and you know, findinghelp for yourself and your
family.
Yeah, I think that's prettycool, and that took a lot of
courage for you to do um andsome uncomfortableness, but it's
uncomfortable either way, if youdon't address it or if you do
(17:37):
address it.
Um, I love it hearing how muchyou and Gentry talk about that
organization and how much theyreally helped both of you.
Um pretty cool, pretty coolplace.
If you guys, if you don't knowabout this, listeners, um
Brianna and Gentry, I'm gonnaturn this over to you for a
couple minutes.
Um, talk about I know Gentry,you were there for the first
(17:58):
responder side, but talk aboutthe family side because there's
a lot of spouses that arehurting and struggling and they
feel like they have to be thesavior for their husband.
You do not have to be the saviorfor the for your husband.
Um encourage him to get help.
Um, but ultimately help we haveto work on ourselves.
And there's a lot of spouses outthere that are struggling, that
(18:20):
are waiting for their husbandsor their their spouses to get
help, and they'll start gettinghelp when their husband starts
getting help.
But there's a way that as aspouse you can help yourself,
whether your husband wants to bepart of it or not.
Um, so let's talk a little bitabout that.
That um, and I know we coveredit, but let's go over it real
quick on the spousal side ofthat trip, what it was like, um,
(18:42):
who it was for, um, andmentioned WC PR.
PR.
Yeah.
All right.
So they have a family side forspouses, correct?
SPEAKER_01 (18:51):
Yep.
SOS, significant others andspouses.
Um, and it's through the firstresponder support network.
Um, and I'm I really liked howwhat you had just said there
about the like I you thinkyou're going out there to help
your spouse, but you're reallygoing out there to help you.
And it doesn't have to be aboutyour spouse.
(19:12):
Like in your healing journey,like you do have the right to be
selfish, I feel like.
Um and by being selfish anddoing that work on for your on
yourself, it just for us, itradiated into our relationship
and and it gave Jim kind of thatdrive to uh want to continue
(19:33):
that healing journey with me.
And that was definitely aconversation that we had when we
returned was, or when Ireturned, was that he had said,
like, you're making this thesesteps of growth, you're moving
on.
And, you know, like what aboutme?
And so it was a hardconversation of uh, well, you I
mean, you either are on thisjourney with me and you move
(19:53):
forward with me, or you staystuck where you're at.
Um, and I don't think I couldhave had that conversation with
him prior to the retreat.
Um, I joked that we couldn'thave done marriage um counseling
because I would have saidsomething that we couldn't come
back from.
And so the retreat really taughtme uh how to communicate uh
(20:13):
better with him.
Um, and it it just, I don'tknow, it was so ironic to me
that like this is what I did allday, every day, and I could tell
people to do this, but Icouldn't do it for myself.
And so um I'm huge in like it'sokay to ask for help and to
utilize those resources and youdon't know what tools that you
don't have in your toolbox thatare out there as well.
(20:35):
So it was just it was reallygreat.
SPEAKER_00 (20:38):
That's awesome.
That's great because so manyspouses want to wait for their
husband to get better, just getbetter yourself.
Correct.
He will your other spouse yourspouse will either join you like
you said, or they won't, butthat's not a that shouldn't
determine if you continue to gethelp for yourself.
SPEAKER_01 (20:55):
Correct.
That shouldn't be, you know, itshouldn't hinder you in your
growth.
Um and so yeah, I it was it wasa struggle, but I mean, once I
understood that, I fullyembraced it and and kind of ran
with it.
And like I said, it just kind ofbled into him as well.
SPEAKER_00 (21:14):
So I love that.
And that's why Brianna uhBrianna is the is running our
our family resources side andour family connection side
because she gets it, she's beenthere, she knows she knows, and
I appreciate you doing that forus because there's a lot of um
family that don't feel likethey're included in the healing
process.
They feel like it's just fortheir first responder.
(21:36):
And I know as we go forward, youand I have talked about you know
building the program up to wherewe have we're having retreats
for spouses to where they cancome and and this you guys can
have your own retreats and helpin a way that um if they can't
go to that other retreat, thatthey can get some help here
locally.
And uh so stay tuned for that.
Coming up, we're gonna havedates for next year's retreats
(21:59):
um coming up, and that's one wedefinitely want to get going.
SPEAKER_01 (22:03):
Yeah, I would love for that because we don't have
anything like that out here umin the Midwest.
And I mean, I don't really knowof much other than the SOS
retreat anywhere else.
So I think it would be a great,great resource to have.
SPEAKER_00 (22:18):
I love it.
I love it.
I think we're gonna shut it downfor now and start another one.
Brianna, thank you so much forsharing that.
I know it's hard to share for meanyway, or sometimes it's hard
to share your family business,right?
It can be tough, but thank youfor sharing that because there's
spouses that are listeninggoing, wow, that's me.
SPEAKER_01 (22:36):
Yep.
SPEAKER_00 (22:36):
That's where I was at.
And I don't want to be thereanymore.
They just don't know how to gethelp.
And I know you are a hugeresource, and I know that you're
okay with people reaching out toyou if they want to talk.
Is that correct?
Yep.
Yep.
What is a good email for themand a good phone number if you
want to share that?
Um because last I knew your newemail is Brianna at
(22:59):
10-42project.org.
Yes, that's Brianna at10-42project.org.
Um reach out to her on that.
Um she would love to getconnected with you.
Um Do you want to share yournumber?
You don't have to if you don'twant to.
SPEAKER_01 (23:15):
Yeah, it doesn't matter.
My number's on my card that uhyou graciously had made for me.
Uh 515-418-0350.
SPEAKER_00 (23:24):
Yeah, so reach out.
You don't have to do this alone.
We may not always be right.
We may not always have theperfect answer, but we promise
we'll be real.
We'll always be real with you.
We care about you.
You're not alone.
Please don't be the please don'tjust sit back and be like, well,
that helps for somebody else.
I don't need it.
It's for you.
(23:45):
It's for you.
If you you're struggling, ifyour marriage is struggling, if
your family is struggling,please don't walk alone.
That's the number one thing thatwe say here in our organization
is that no one walks alone.
So thanks for tuning in, andwe'll see you guys next week.
Have a blessed week, and we loveyou all.
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Ruthie's Table 4
For more than 30 years The River Cafe in London, has been the home-from-home of artists, architects, designers, actors, collectors, writers, activists, and politicians. Michael Caine, Glenn Close, JJ Abrams, Steve McQueen, Victoria and David Beckham, and Lily Allen, are just some of the people who love to call The River Cafe home. On River Cafe Table 4, Rogers sits down with her customers—who have become friends—to talk about food memories. Table 4 explores how food impacts every aspect of our lives. “Foods is politics, food is cultural, food is how you express love, food is about your heritage, it defines who you and who you want to be,” says Rogers. Each week, Rogers invites her guest to reminisce about family suppers and first dates, what they cook, how they eat when performing, the restaurants they choose, and what food they seek when they need comfort. And to punctuate each episode of Table 4, guests such as Ralph Fiennes, Emily Blunt, and Alfonso Cuarón, read their favourite recipe from one of the best-selling River Cafe cookbooks. Table 4 itself, is situated near The River Cafe’s open kitchen, close to the bright pink wood-fired oven and next to the glossy yellow pass, where Ruthie oversees the restaurant. You are invited to take a seat at this intimate table and join the conversation. For more information, recipes, and ingredients, go to https://shoptherivercafe.co.uk/ Web: https://rivercafe.co.uk/ Instagram: www.instagram.com/therivercafelondon/ Facebook: https://en-gb.facebook.com/therivercafelondon/ For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iheartradio app, apple podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.com
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com