February 6, 2025 • 32 mins
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Debbie (00:04):
Hello everyone.
Deborah (00:05):
Hey y'all, we are back today to continue our discussion
about the four agreements, andtoday we're talking about the
second agreement of not takeanything personally.
A thought comes to mind of onetime when you took things
(00:26):
personally.
All of us have experienced thatright.
All of us have even experiencedsomething when we've taken
something personally and we findout later that it wasn't even
about us.
So there's a lot of things thatcome with that, and it's an
opportunity to have an awarenessof you, know your actions and
(00:49):
other people's actions and words, and just really allowing them
the space to emerge however theymay need to emerge, without you
taking them personally or evenhaving an opportunity to address
them directly with that person,that situation, and allowing
(01:11):
yourself the freedom to gainmore clarity and to alleviate or
how do I say this, debbie?
What am I thinking To allowyourself not to suffer, you know
.
So there's so many ways that wecreate these situations for
(01:33):
ourselves, that create thesuffering within us, that we can
allow us, through self-care andself-love, to move that
suffering away and increase ourresilience.
What do you think?
Debbie (01:48):
Well, that last part is definitely about the self-love
and self-care, definitely theantidote.
But you and I were raisedreally differently.
Coming up and you were sayingI'm sure we've all had the
experience where we tooksomething personally and like
(02:09):
the experience, that's my entirelife.
It's like I thought everythingwas personal.
I was always I mean, I wasalways in like fight or flight
mode and if somebody saidanything when I was growing up,
I either felt like I needed tofix it or I needed to like fight
them about it.
Right, like, why are you doingthat to me?
Kind of stuff.
So this chapter for me when Iread the book a long time ago,
(02:36):
was just this huge eye openerabout like wait a minute, what
do you mean?
Don't take it personally,because it feels so right and it
under it.
It's taken decades to get to aplace where and I still do it
(02:57):
Somebody will say something ordo or don't do something like um
, maybe they're supposed to showup to pick me up at a certain
time and they just don't, forwhatever reason.
It slipped their mind.
And I not today.
Today I would just pick up thephone and like text them like
well, what's going on, you know,but there was a time when it
(03:18):
would be like I mean, I would goin my room and cry and I'm not
talking about as a teenager.
I would be mortified that thisperson tricked me or and it was
all in my mind and the booktalks about, he talks about it
as as soon as you like agreewith something or someone says
(03:42):
or does which to me, them notshowing up would have been the
agreement that I'm agreeing with, I must be terrible because
they left me or whatever it says.
The poison runs through you andyou're trapped in the dream.
I've come to realize that atthat moment there's chemicals
that are released, because ourbrains absorb chemicals and they
release chemicals.
They'll absorb and release, andthat's really all our brains do
(04:03):
chemicals and they releasechemicals and absorb and release
.
And that's really all ourbrains do.
And just how unbelievablydraining.
That is Right.
I thought.
Well, I didn't consciouslythink it, but it turns out that
when I make everything about me,they did this to me, they said
this against me.
They didn't whatever.
(04:25):
You know that it's all about meand that's the ego or fear I
know a lot.
For me it was fear talking.
There was definitely self-doubtand old wounds and those just
permeated my life.
When I read the book again thefirst time, so many years ago
decades I could comprehend thewords, but I couldn't quite
(04:50):
figure out how how to change thesensations I was feeling when I
was going through this personalthing.
Deborah (05:02):
So I guess one of the things that keeps coming to me,
you know, is saying you can'tfigure out.
You couldn't figure out how tochange these sensations that you
were feeling and I, myexperience, was that it was just
like any of our self-carepractices.
It was like a practice,self-care practices.
(05:25):
It was like a practice, right.
Debbie (05:26):
So if you did self-care, I mean truly, even at my age,
you know mid sixties I don'treally think I practiced
self-care until I was over 60.
Deborah (05:42):
Yeah, I mean.
But again, you start where youare.
That's the point that I'mmaking.
You know where you are is whereyou are.
And I had a lot of situationswhere I, after I read this book
and had this awareness of how metaking things personally were
affecting my reality, where Icould then take that awareness
(06:06):
and now, when those thingshappen, moving forward, I could
say, oh, okay, let's take this,let's step back if I'm not
taking this personally.
Um, what is the possibility inthis situation?
What is um?
You know what is another um?
You know what is another umstory that could be around this?
(06:31):
I, I I'm gonna give you anexample.
Okay, so I had a friend and um,it's a couple that I met and
that I, we used to hang out allthe time.
We used used to go to dinner,we used and this is when I was
single.
So they were really very, veryimportant to me in my life and I
(06:52):
just loved them to death.
And then, when COVID hit, allof a sudden, every time I called
them, they wouldn't call backor they wouldn't, you know, or
it just seemed like, oh, oh, mygod, every time I tried to get
together, they, you know, theycan't, they're not feeling well
and and whatever.
And so then I quit contactingthem, you know, and they'd quit
(07:14):
contacting me.
Well, one day, and it hurt and Iwas making up all of these
stories about you know.
Oh, they told me to get theCOVID shot and I waited.
I wanted more information.
So they're mad because I didn'tdo that.
I create, oh, I should go toHollywood, I can create a script
like nobody's business, yeah.
(07:36):
And so then at one pointsomething happened and I called
them and said, hey, what's goingon?
And it turns out he had cancerand she was sick and they did
not have the bandwidth to dealwith anything else.
They both got I don't rememberif they got COVID or not, but
(07:57):
then there was a reason that hadabsolutely nothing to do with
me.
They were missing me and I wasstaying away from them because I
thought they didn't love meanymore.
Debbie (08:08):
Oh, we should pick that apart.
I mean, I don't know how farwe'll go on this episode, but
there's so much there because,as you're saying it, I can
actually feel myself going.
Well, why didn't they sharethat information with you?
Right, cause I take everythingpersonal Right, but, of course,
in practicing, now that I'molder and wiser, practicing that
(08:34):
, oh wow, I just realized.
Not making assumptions is thenext degree grieve it.
So let's use that scenario fornext time as well.
It is incredibly painful tothink you know the answer to
something when you don't, andtake it personally, thinking
(09:01):
that they or he or she, whateverhas something against you when
it's got nothing to do with thatat all.
Right, I have mydaughter-in-law.
I really care for this person alot and I want to talk to her
and I will like call or reachout in different ways and I
(09:28):
don't get the response I'd liketo.
So I feel like, well, maybe shedoesn't really like me.
She's just being nice to mebecause she's married to my son.
You know all these differentthings.
I feel like I have to walk kindof a fine line because on the
one hand, she is mydaughter-in-law, but on the
other hand, I can think of heras my friend, like if, for some
reason, they would split which Icouldn't, I can't see that
because they're so well-suited,but if they did split, I would
(09:50):
still like to keep in touch withher, like that's the kind of
person she is.
And they've been together like12, 15 years, whatever it is,
cause you know, there's datingand marriage involved.
Okay, so they've been togetherquite a while, but I just found
out the other day that, as amillennial, she can't stand
talking on the phone.
I didn't know that she's like Idon't, because she told me a
(10:13):
story about somebody else thatis older than me that likes to
give her information like amentor.
She she's gives her informationbut wants to tell it to her on
the phone as opposed to text itto her.
And my daughter-in-law is likeyou know, so fine, I'll get on
the phone with her and she'lltell me something.
(10:34):
And you know, there I am on thephone with her for like 10
minutes when she could have justtexted me a line, and I'm like
10 minutes is a big deal to you,oh my gosh, you know.
And what I found out was shewill get on the phone with me
periodically, right, when it canwork for both of us, and she
(10:55):
gets on the phone and we'llspend an hour, hour and a half
and she does that because sheloves me yeah, that I matter to
her, but because she wasn'tgetting on the phone as often as
I would like to, I was takingit that she wanted to push me
back Don't get too close.
All that when in reality she'slike giving in if you will, or
(11:21):
or coming closer to what I'dlike, because she does care
about me.
When I realized that, it reallychanged everything.
But I went through my ownlittle hell that's what Domingo
Ruiz calls it your own hell.
I'm trapped in the dream ofI've made an agreement that she
(11:42):
must not like me because shedoesn't enjoy phone calls like I
do, and so it's just actuallyamazing.
So that brings me to the pointthat I wanted to cover, which
was nothing.
That other people do is becauseof you, it's because of
themselves, and this was kind ofa good story, right.
(12:03):
Once I realized what she didand didn't like, I was able to
like oh, wow, okay.
But there's so many times when,like your friends that didn't
call you, it's it, it it's gotnothing that they did is because
of you, it was because ofthemselves, and their point of
(12:25):
view comes from, like when itdoes happen, where it feels like
it's against you.
It's like like, they're like oh, I don't like what she's
wearing, or whatever.
That comes from all of theprogramming that they received
growing up.
Right, if you think about that,each human being is walking
(12:45):
around with billions of bits ofinformation that was downloaded
into their brain for the,however many decades old they
are, and we're all walkingaround with a variety of
different billions of bits ofinformation and I'll just say
(13:07):
something I say all the time Ido not know how the human
species has survived.
I just don't know how we havesurvived, because we are similar
, right, like the color blue.
We can agree that a certainamount is the color blue, but
once it starts going out that,no, no, that's more green or
that's more whatever, and butthe parts where we do agree, oh
(13:30):
well, see we agree, and then weagree that we agree and it gets
complicated.
But we're trying to say, if wedon't take things personally, it
really simplifies.
Deborah (13:47):
Yeah, and it also.
I guess that you know the onething that I keep coming to mind
.
It may or may not apply in thissituation, but you know, the
thing about what that personthinks of me is not my business,
you know, it's none of mybusiness.
So if you think you know, and Ihave friends that think
(14:09):
different things about me, and Idon't give a damn Excuse me, I
don't care, you know, becauseyou can think whatever you want.
You may or may not know me wellenough to know that we have a
relationship relationship, butif I keep getting uh tweaked
(14:30):
about that person, not knowingabout you, know, or what they
think about me, then it doesn'tallow me to present
authentically, it doesn't allowme to.
Well, why are you saying notallow you?
It's, it's, it's well.
I'm not saying not allow me.
But if I'm worried about how,well, because that's what me.
(14:50):
But if I'm worried about well,because that's what I'm saying,
if I'm worried about whatthey're saying then, I'm
responding to that, then I'mresponding in a way that's not
authentic because I think Idon't want them to whatever.
But if I allow myself to staywith myself, know what I know
about myself, then what they'resaying doesn't mean anything and
(15:14):
it doesn't mean anything to ourrelationship.
Debbie (15:16):
Right, there's an interesting little thing that I
would do with my clients,because we do grow up.
We, most Americans for sure,grow up.
We blame ourselves.
We most Americans for sure,grow up.
We blame ourselves, we takeresponsibility for so many
things.
(15:36):
We think we need to act aparticular way, depending on
political, religious, all that.
Whatever family we grew up in,we feel this obligation.
We did it out of preservationand survival growing up, but
then we had to.
(15:57):
Well, we brought it with us andas we brought it with us into
adulthood, it's like this habitthat we've gotten so good at.
It's like the nuance if we'rewith someone, and the nuance is
they're, you know, doing moretriangles than squares.
(16:18):
I don't want to use left andright because that might get
misinterpreted it, but it's likeif they're just like talking
more about triangles, we starttalking more about triangles too
, because we want to belong andfit in.
And if they're not talkingabout triangles, they're talking
about squares, which we areagainst squares or whatever.
Then we want to step away fromthem because it's uncomfortable,
but we don't know how.
So we people, please, we maybeover-explain things, we might
(16:42):
avoid them, but what?
What toll does that take on uswhen we're over-performing, so
that we don't have to be.
Would you use the wordauthentic?
Oh, I love that, so that,because being authentic is
threatening to a lot of people,not not just to themselves but
(17:07):
to the person they're beingauthentic with.
So it can be so.
To get back to the, the, my, the, the clients I seem to really
get clients that have a lot ofchallenges with self doubt, self
(17:28):
sabotage, challenges withself-doubt, self-sabotage, fear,
and trying to help them get toa place of understanding about
taking things personally or not.
I asked them you know aboutsome of their limiting beliefs.
You know I'm not enough.
You know I don't matter, I'mnot special, nobody cares.
(17:49):
You know these are very, verytypical.
And I ask them how do they knowthat that is true?
And they say because how I feel?
And I ask them I go, well, whatif I really sincerely think
that you know I'm going to saysomething crazy here?
So you know, I know it's offand everybody that's going to
hear it is going to know it'soff.
(18:09):
But if I say something likeyou're the scaliest blue
dinosaur I've ever seen, like Ihate scaly blue dinosaurs, for
some weird reason there's noemotion to that.
They don't identify with it.
There's not a rise of theirrespiratory, their
parasympathetic system oranything.
And they just kind of stareblankly at me like what are you
(18:36):
talking about?
And I'm like that is not takingit personal, that feeling right
there where there's not areaction to what's, to something
that I said, and they're like,well, that's all well and good,
but I don't think I'm a dinosauror blue or scaly or whatever,
but I do think I'm these otherthings too much, too little, you
(18:59):
know, not enough in one way oranother.
So, help, trying to help themexperience getting to the back,
to that place of allowing thosewords that other people say,
because why does that otherperson get to have the say-so of
who you are, right?
Who decided you're notimportant, right?
(19:22):
Well, somebody said somethingto you when you were younger and
it could have been for noreason.
That made sense to you now.
Like if a child's jumping onthe sofa or the bed or around
the house and being loud, theparent has a headache and yells
at them.
You know, stop doing that.
You're driving me crazy, right,if the headache was the real
(19:44):
reason, but the words, you'redriving me crazy.
There's an indication and achild can't go well, maybe mom
doesn't feel well right now.
The child is going to say I amwrong, what I did was bad.
I have to act differently,mostly out of survival, because
(20:04):
maybe mom yelled and I don'tlike.
Differently, mostly out ofsurvival, because maybe mom
yelled and I don't like that,how that feels, or maybe a
person gets, you know, lashedout or whatever.
So we have to.
You know, as parents, we shouldbe really careful about the
words of what we speak to ourchildren, but also in our
relationships.
How are we speaking to lovedones, co-workers, other people
(20:31):
in our lives, so that not onlyare we not taking anything
personal, but we're speaking ina way where, like from the first
one, we're being impeccablewith our word.
So make sure that those wordsthat are coming out are also
being positively impactful tothe other person.
Deborah (20:51):
It leads you to a place that allows you to be open and
not, you know, because we havethat barrier up automatically.
(21:15):
You know, okay, this everythingin the world outside of myself
is personal and I have to decideto what degree.
And so by having this open andnot really with the mindset that
nothing is personal, then youdon't have to fight against it.
You can allow that freedom tojust be, to be healthy and to
(21:40):
feel everything that is going onaround you isn't necessarily a
a reflected or reflection of youwell, yeah, absolutely it.
Debbie (21:55):
It, the challenge comes in because our, our brains, or
our minds it's like he says theylive in more than one dimension
.
I, I understand a hundredpercent what that means, but
it's like the brain can talk andlisten to itself.
And I had that experience, likeI did not understand what that
(22:17):
meant and it wasn't because ofreading it that this happened.
I just remember, like the lawof attraction, right?
Like I wanted to think my waythin, okay, I wanted to just
proactively say affirmations orwhatever and not really change
any habits of my life, right?
(22:38):
So let's just, I don't want touse a number, but let's just say
I wanted to lose like 10 pounds.
So I decided I was going towrite that out, I weigh this
amount, and I was going to stickit on the wall so that I would
say that a lot, right, I wouldjust remember to repeat this
affirmation, I guess, or thissaying but what I wrote was I
(23:00):
weigh this amount, you can do itlike cheerleading for myself,
this amount.
You can do it Like cheerleadingfor myself.
And I wrote you can do it,exclamation point.
And I went who's calling me?
You?
Who's?
Who?
Just said you can do it Like,where did that come?
Deborah (23:17):
in.
Debbie (23:17):
Yeah, yeah, but that, yeah, but I no, I did not know.
I did that.
Was it the observer, like who?
I was just trying so hard tounderstand where that came from,
because I had never heard aboutthis next part that he talks
(23:38):
about, where for me, that wasjust two voices and they were
both kind of in agreement.
Right, I'm going to do it, youcan do it.
Right?
Like there's this agreementthere, but there's thousands of
voices that are back there inour heads and sometimes they're
kind of all speaking at the sametime and it's like they're
(24:01):
talking, they're bartering,they're bantering.
Some of them have similarpoints of views and others have
very different points of views,and sometimes those aren't
compatible with each other.
So then what do we do?
That's when we're stuck.
We're like, oh my God, I don'tknow what to do, because, on the
one hand, if I go this way,that's correct, and if I go this
(24:22):
other way, that's correct forsomebody else, but maybe it's
for me, but it's not.
It's like it just, it's likethis confusion in our mind until
we learn how to kind of settlethat down, step back away from
it and begin to learn what isthe truth for ourselves, because
(24:42):
all of those voices are not.
They're put there likedownloads, but they're not
really ours.
Deborah (24:50):
Yeah, and and again, I I'm, you know, being a self-care
coach.
You know, one of the thingsthat I focus on for my clients
are actions that you can take toget there Right.
And so, like one of the thingsthat I always um that that stop.
We've talked about this manytimes, you know.
(25:11):
It's like how do you stop thosevoices?
How do you stop that self?
You know, beating yourself upor thinking, oh, this person
thinks this and it's just aforward thing.
You stop, person thinks thisand it's just a four word thing.
You stop, you take a breath andyou were talking about those two
voices, right?
You observe, you listen tothose voices.
(25:34):
What are they saying?
Is it true, can it not be true?
And then you come up with howyou want to proceed, based on
the information that you haveand based on staying with
yourself, and then you proceed.
So that's how you get out ofthat.
You know, okay, there's,there's, there's whoever's in my
(25:57):
head talking here, talking here, talking here, stop okay, let's
look, we're gonna, we're gonnado a little shop here, talk shop
here.
Debbie (26:06):
Seriously, is it sort of like a bunch of teenagers are
arguing about stuff and then theadult inside of you says hang
on a second.
You guys need to quiet downbecause there's a decision that
needs to be made and I'm goingto make it for all of us
essentially, or in our all ofour best highest good or
(26:29):
whatever I mean.
Deborah (26:31):
I'm trying to find a a way to you know, you know the
what, I, the way that I look atit, using that analogy that you
used um, I think if you'resaying the adult in the room is
saying, okay, y'all stop, I'mgoing to make a decision is kind
of corporal or kind of.
You know, it's not thecollaborative way that I would
(26:57):
like to make any decision thatI'm making, but like a talking
stick, right, so you stop.
Debbie (27:05):
Okay.
Deborah (27:06):
And then you let this young person that has an idea
talk.
You let this young person thathas an idea talk, this person.
And so then you are able tostop and allow those ideas to
emerge, and then they come toyou freely.
You can take all of those intoconsideration, and not maybe as
(27:27):
the adult, but as your true self.
Then you can proceed with theinput of all of these other
people, and it can happen in asplit second.
Debbie (27:38):
I like that I don't think about that because, again,
we were raised differently oryou've been practicing longer.
Sometimes I'm still in thedirector state, you know, like
hold on a second.
But I really like that becauseif I wasn't the highest ranking
(28:00):
one, I would want to be able tohave my input and that just
feels like a very fair way.
Plus, how?
How is that not self-care andself-love?
Because we're allowing eachpart of us to speak right and
they might be in at odds witheach other but they still get to
(28:21):
say like I want to go purpleyand I want to go green and I
want to go yellow, but then itturns out that you know, heading
orange is the best way to go,and but they all got, all got to
have that.
I like that a lot.
I would have never thought todescribe it that way, but I
really.
The talking sticks are reallyreally good.
Visual, really good one.
(28:43):
So thank you for that.
Deborah (28:48):
Anytime I know, but I do.
I do believe that that that iswhat's going to allow us, as a
person, or as a people or ashumanity, to have the space and
the awareness to connect witheach other, without all of these
(29:10):
preconceived notions and all ofthese things.
And when I was talking aboutall the talking sticks, every
one of those people in thatcircle are wanting what is in
your best and highest good right.
Those are parts of you that arecoming forward saying, okay, I
think I'm doing the best.
I think I'm doing the best, andsome of them have been created
(29:33):
out of agreements that youdidn't make but just happened to
be there.
And this gives us a choice tomove forward in a way that
allows us to be more resilientand more free, because we can
step forward with who we are.
Debbie (29:51):
Yeah, it makes.
It makes coming up with adecision a lot easier.
You know, there's so manypeople outside of us that are
trying to tell us what theywould like for us to do, because
that will make them feel better.
Right, you get what I mean bythat?
(30:11):
Right, I do.
And, um, I heard a statementand it was this really
interesting thing, because whenwe're not 100 sure and I'll say
100, but very sure about who weare, when we're not comfortable
yet being authentic, when we'renot yet at a place where we can
(30:33):
determine quickly whether thatperson is saying something that
is in our best interest or isn'tin our best interest, and we
feel a little challenged.
There was a statement or, Iguess, a question, I don't know.
It's like.
It says would you take advicefrom that person?
Right, so there's somebody likethey're saying all their stuff.
(30:55):
You might agree with them, youmight not.
You're like, you're not sure,so, but it's like if, if you're
not sure that what they'retelling you is in your best
interest, the question is wouldyou take advice from that person
?
And if the answer is no, thendon't take their criticism
either.
Deborah (31:13):
Ah, yeah, absolutely.
Debbie (31:15):
So that's the.
Don't take it personal.
So you're listening to somebodyand you're like man, I wouldn't
take advice from that person.
And they say, like you know,you're not a good person because
of this or that, or I don'tlike the clothes you wear, or
whatever.
Why would we accept theircriticism if we wouldn't even
take their advice?
And I was like that is powerful, that is powerful, so that for
(31:38):
me I feel like that wrapped upthis chapter.
For me, it was so good, it wassuch good chapter.
I really, really appreciated theinformation I did get a lot out
of it.
Deborah (31:51):
I got a lot out of it.
Yes, so next time we're goingto be talking about, uh, the
third agreement the thirdagreement.
Debbie (32:01):
Agreement is um make no assumptions yeah, don't make
assumptions.
Deborah (32:06):
So I am looking forward to that conversation, debbie
yeah, that's another one.
Debbie (32:12):
But yeah, I assume stuff all the time it is practicing
shifting that.
Yes, and it's a practice forsure.
So well, you guys, we want tothank you for all the loves,
likes and comments.
It really means a lot andalways.
Deborah (32:33):
We invite you to love and care for the Shero in you.
Bye y'all.
Debbie (32:39):
Bye.
Hello everyone.
Deborah (00:05):
Hey y'all, we are back today to continue our discussion
about the four agreements, andtoday we're talking about the
second agreement of not takeanything personally.
A thought comes to mind of onetime when you took things
(00:26):
personally.
All of us have experienced thatright.
All of us have even experiencedsomething when we've taken
something personally and we findout later that it wasn't even
about us.
So there's a lot of things thatcome with that, and it's an
opportunity to have an awarenessof you, know your actions and
(00:49):
other people's actions and words, and just really allowing them
the space to emerge however theymay need to emerge, without you
taking them personally or evenhaving an opportunity to address
them directly with that person,that situation, and allowing
(01:11):
yourself the freedom to gainmore clarity and to alleviate or
how do I say this, debbie?
What am I thinking To allowyourself not to suffer, you know
.
So there's so many ways that wecreate these situations for
(01:33):
ourselves, that create thesuffering within us, that we can
allow us, through self-care andself-love, to move that
suffering away and increase ourresilience.
What do you think?
Debbie (01:48):
Well, that last part is definitely about the self-love
and self-care, definitely theantidote.
But you and I were raisedreally differently.
Coming up and you were sayingI'm sure we've all had the
experience where we tooksomething personally and like
(02:09):
the experience, that's my entirelife.
It's like I thought everythingwas personal.
I was always I mean, I wasalways in like fight or flight
mode and if somebody saidanything when I was growing up,
I either felt like I needed tofix it or I needed to like fight
them about it.
Right, like, why are you doingthat to me?
Kind of stuff.
So this chapter for me when Iread the book a long time ago,
(02:36):
was just this huge eye openerabout like wait a minute, what
do you mean?
Don't take it personally,because it feels so right and it
under it.
It's taken decades to get to aplace where and I still do it
(02:57):
Somebody will say something ordo or don't do something like um
, maybe they're supposed to showup to pick me up at a certain
time and they just don't, forwhatever reason.
It slipped their mind.
And I not today.
Today I would just pick up thephone and like text them like
well, what's going on, you know,but there was a time when it
(03:18):
would be like I mean, I would goin my room and cry and I'm not
talking about as a teenager.
I would be mortified that thisperson tricked me or and it was
all in my mind and the booktalks about, he talks about it
as as soon as you like agreewith something or someone says
(03:42):
or does which to me, them notshowing up would have been the
agreement that I'm agreeing with, I must be terrible because
they left me or whatever it says.
The poison runs through you andyou're trapped in the dream.
I've come to realize that atthat moment there's chemicals
that are released, because ourbrains absorb chemicals and they
release chemicals.
They'll absorb and release, andthat's really all our brains do
(04:03):
chemicals and they releasechemicals and absorb and release
.
And that's really all ourbrains do.
And just how unbelievablydraining.
That is Right.
I thought.
Well, I didn't consciouslythink it, but it turns out that
when I make everything about me,they did this to me, they said
this against me.
They didn't whatever.
(04:25):
You know that it's all about meand that's the ego or fear I
know a lot.
For me it was fear talking.
There was definitely self-doubtand old wounds and those just
permeated my life.
When I read the book again thefirst time, so many years ago
decades I could comprehend thewords, but I couldn't quite
(04:50):
figure out how how to change thesensations I was feeling when I
was going through this personalthing.
Deborah (05:02):
So I guess one of the things that keeps coming to me,
you know, is saying you can'tfigure out.
You couldn't figure out how tochange these sensations that you
were feeling and I, myexperience, was that it was just
like any of our self-carepractices.
It was like a practice,self-care practices.
(05:25):
It was like a practice, right.
Debbie (05:26):
So if you did self-care, I mean truly, even at my age,
you know mid sixties I don'treally think I practiced
self-care until I was over 60.
Deborah (05:42):
Yeah, I mean.
But again, you start where youare.
That's the point that I'mmaking.
You know where you are is whereyou are.
And I had a lot of situationswhere I, after I read this book
and had this awareness of how metaking things personally were
affecting my reality, where Icould then take that awareness
(06:06):
and now, when those thingshappen, moving forward, I could
say, oh, okay, let's take this,let's step back if I'm not
taking this personally.
Um, what is the possibility inthis situation?
What is um?
You know what is another um?
You know what is another umstory that could be around this?
(06:31):
I, I I'm gonna give you anexample.
Okay, so I had a friend and um,it's a couple that I met and
that I, we used to hang out allthe time.
We used used to go to dinner,we used and this is when I was
single.
So they were really very, veryimportant to me in my life and I
(06:52):
just loved them to death.
And then, when COVID hit, allof a sudden, every time I called
them, they wouldn't call backor they wouldn't, you know, or
it just seemed like, oh, oh, mygod, every time I tried to get
together, they, you know, theycan't, they're not feeling well
and and whatever.
And so then I quit contactingthem, you know, and they'd quit
(07:14):
contacting me.
Well, one day, and it hurt and Iwas making up all of these
stories about you know.
Oh, they told me to get theCOVID shot and I waited.
I wanted more information.
So they're mad because I didn'tdo that.
I create, oh, I should go toHollywood, I can create a script
like nobody's business, yeah.
(07:36):
And so then at one pointsomething happened and I called
them and said, hey, what's goingon?
And it turns out he had cancerand she was sick and they did
not have the bandwidth to dealwith anything else.
They both got I don't rememberif they got COVID or not, but
(07:57):
then there was a reason that hadabsolutely nothing to do with
me.
They were missing me and I wasstaying away from them because I
thought they didn't love meanymore.
Debbie (08:08):
Oh, we should pick that apart.
I mean, I don't know how farwe'll go on this episode, but
there's so much there because,as you're saying it, I can
actually feel myself going.
Well, why didn't they sharethat information with you?
Right, cause I take everythingpersonal Right, but, of course,
in practicing, now that I'molder and wiser, practicing that
(08:34):
, oh wow, I just realized.
Not making assumptions is thenext degree grieve it.
So let's use that scenario fornext time as well.
It is incredibly painful tothink you know the answer to
something when you don't, andtake it personally, thinking
(09:01):
that they or he or she, whateverhas something against you when
it's got nothing to do with thatat all.
Right, I have mydaughter-in-law.
I really care for this person alot and I want to talk to her
and I will like call or reachout in different ways and I
(09:28):
don't get the response I'd liketo.
So I feel like, well, maybe shedoesn't really like me.
She's just being nice to mebecause she's married to my son.
You know all these differentthings.
I feel like I have to walk kindof a fine line because on the
one hand, she is mydaughter-in-law, but on the
other hand, I can think of heras my friend, like if, for some
reason, they would split which Icouldn't, I can't see that
because they're so well-suited,but if they did split, I would
(09:50):
still like to keep in touch withher, like that's the kind of
person she is.
And they've been together like12, 15 years, whatever it is,
cause you know, there's datingand marriage involved.
Okay, so they've been togetherquite a while, but I just found
out the other day that, as amillennial, she can't stand
talking on the phone.
I didn't know that she's like Idon't, because she told me a
(10:13):
story about somebody else thatis older than me that likes to
give her information like amentor.
She she's gives her informationbut wants to tell it to her on
the phone as opposed to text itto her.
And my daughter-in-law is likeyou know, so fine, I'll get on
the phone with her and she'lltell me something.
(10:34):
And you know, there I am on thephone with her for like 10
minutes when she could have justtexted me a line, and I'm like
10 minutes is a big deal to you,oh my gosh, you know.
And what I found out was shewill get on the phone with me
periodically, right, when it canwork for both of us, and she
(10:55):
gets on the phone and we'llspend an hour, hour and a half
and she does that because sheloves me yeah, that I matter to
her, but because she wasn'tgetting on the phone as often as
I would like to, I was takingit that she wanted to push me
back Don't get too close.
All that when in reality she'slike giving in if you will, or
(11:21):
or coming closer to what I'dlike, because she does care
about me.
When I realized that, it reallychanged everything.
But I went through my ownlittle hell that's what Domingo
Ruiz calls it your own hell.
I'm trapped in the dream ofI've made an agreement that she
(11:42):
must not like me because shedoesn't enjoy phone calls like I
do, and so it's just actuallyamazing.
So that brings me to the pointthat I wanted to cover, which
was nothing.
That other people do is becauseof you, it's because of
themselves, and this was kind ofa good story, right.
(12:03):
Once I realized what she didand didn't like, I was able to
like oh, wow, okay.
But there's so many times when,like your friends that didn't
call you, it's it, it it's gotnothing that they did is because
of you, it was because ofthemselves, and their point of
(12:25):
view comes from, like when itdoes happen, where it feels like
it's against you.
It's like like, they're like oh, I don't like what she's
wearing, or whatever.
That comes from all of theprogramming that they received
growing up.
Right, if you think about that,each human being is walking
(12:45):
around with billions of bits ofinformation that was downloaded
into their brain for the,however many decades old they
are, and we're all walkingaround with a variety of
different billions of bits ofinformation and I'll just say
(13:07):
something I say all the time Ido not know how the human
species has survived.
I just don't know how we havesurvived, because we are similar
, right, like the color blue.
We can agree that a certainamount is the color blue, but
once it starts going out that,no, no, that's more green or
that's more whatever, and butthe parts where we do agree, oh
(13:30):
well, see we agree, and then weagree that we agree and it gets
complicated.
But we're trying to say, if wedon't take things personally, it
really simplifies.
Deborah (13:47):
Yeah, and it also.
I guess that you know the onething that I keep coming to mind
.
It may or may not apply in thissituation, but you know, the
thing about what that personthinks of me is not my business,
you know, it's none of mybusiness.
So if you think you know, and Ihave friends that think
(14:09):
different things about me, and Idon't give a damn Excuse me, I
don't care, you know, becauseyou can think whatever you want.
You may or may not know me wellenough to know that we have a
relationship relationship, butif I keep getting uh tweaked
(14:30):
about that person, not knowingabout you, know, or what they
think about me, then it doesn'tallow me to present
authentically, it doesn't allowme to.
Well, why are you saying notallow you?
It's, it's, it's well.
I'm not saying not allow me.
But if I'm worried about how,well, because that's what me.
(14:50):
But if I'm worried about well,because that's what I'm saying,
if I'm worried about whatthey're saying then, I'm
responding to that, then I'mresponding in a way that's not
authentic because I think Idon't want them to whatever.
But if I allow myself to staywith myself, know what I know
about myself, then what they'resaying doesn't mean anything and
(15:14):
it doesn't mean anything to ourrelationship.
Debbie (15:16):
Right, there's an interesting little thing that I
would do with my clients,because we do grow up.
We, most Americans for sure,grow up.
We blame ourselves.
We most Americans for sure,grow up.
We blame ourselves, we takeresponsibility for so many
things.
(15:36):
We think we need to act aparticular way, depending on
political, religious, all that.
Whatever family we grew up in,we feel this obligation.
We did it out of preservationand survival growing up, but
then we had to.
(15:57):
Well, we brought it with us andas we brought it with us into
adulthood, it's like this habitthat we've gotten so good at.
It's like the nuance if we'rewith someone, and the nuance is
they're, you know, doing moretriangles than squares.
(16:18):
I don't want to use left andright because that might get
misinterpreted it, but it's likeif they're just like talking
more about triangles, we starttalking more about triangles too
, because we want to belong andfit in.
And if they're not talkingabout triangles, they're talking
about squares, which we areagainst squares or whatever.
Then we want to step away fromthem because it's uncomfortable,
but we don't know how.
So we people, please, we maybeover-explain things, we might
(16:42):
avoid them, but what?
What toll does that take on uswhen we're over-performing, so
that we don't have to be.
Would you use the wordauthentic?
Oh, I love that, so that,because being authentic is
threatening to a lot of people,not not just to themselves but
(17:07):
to the person they're beingauthentic with.
So it can be so.
To get back to the, the, my, the, the clients I seem to really
get clients that have a lot ofchallenges with self doubt, self
(17:28):
sabotage, challenges withself-doubt, self-sabotage, fear,
and trying to help them get toa place of understanding about
taking things personally or not.
I asked them you know aboutsome of their limiting beliefs.
You know I'm not enough.
You know I don't matter, I'mnot special, nobody cares.
(17:49):
You know these are very, verytypical.
And I ask them how do they knowthat that is true?
And they say because how I feel?
And I ask them I go, well, whatif I really sincerely think
that you know I'm going to saysomething crazy here?
So you know, I know it's offand everybody that's going to
hear it is going to know it'soff.
(18:09):
But if I say something likeyou're the scaliest blue
dinosaur I've ever seen, like Ihate scaly blue dinosaurs, for
some weird reason there's noemotion to that.
They don't identify with it.
There's not a rise of theirrespiratory, their
parasympathetic system oranything.
And they just kind of stareblankly at me like what are you
(18:36):
talking about?
And I'm like that is not takingit personal, that feeling right
there where there's not areaction to what's, to something
that I said, and they're like,well, that's all well and good,
but I don't think I'm a dinosauror blue or scaly or whatever,
but I do think I'm these otherthings too much, too little, you
(18:59):
know, not enough in one way oranother.
So, help, trying to help themexperience getting to the back,
to that place of allowing thosewords that other people say,
because why does that otherperson get to have the say-so of
who you are, right?
Who decided you're notimportant, right?
(19:22):
Well, somebody said somethingto you when you were younger and
it could have been for noreason.
That made sense to you now.
Like if a child's jumping onthe sofa or the bed or around
the house and being loud, theparent has a headache and yells
at them.
You know, stop doing that.
You're driving me crazy, right,if the headache was the real
(19:44):
reason, but the words, you'redriving me crazy.
There's an indication and achild can't go well, maybe mom
doesn't feel well right now.
The child is going to say I amwrong, what I did was bad.
I have to act differently,mostly out of survival, because
(20:04):
maybe mom yelled and I don'tlike.
Differently, mostly out ofsurvival, because maybe mom
yelled and I don't like that,how that feels, or maybe a
person gets, you know, lashedout or whatever.
So we have to.
You know, as parents, we shouldbe really careful about the
words of what we speak to ourchildren, but also in our
relationships.
How are we speaking to lovedones, co-workers, other people
(20:31):
in our lives, so that not onlyare we not taking anything
personal, but we're speaking ina way where, like from the first
one, we're being impeccablewith our word.
So make sure that those wordsthat are coming out are also
being positively impactful tothe other person.
Deborah (20:51):
It leads you to a place that allows you to be open and
not, you know, because we havethat barrier up automatically.
(21:15):
You know, okay, this everythingin the world outside of myself
is personal and I have to decideto what degree.
And so by having this open andnot really with the mindset that
nothing is personal, then youdon't have to fight against it.
You can allow that freedom tojust be, to be healthy and to
(21:40):
feel everything that is going onaround you isn't necessarily a
a reflected or reflection of youwell, yeah, absolutely it.
Debbie (21:55):
It, the challenge comes in because our, our brains, or
our minds it's like he says theylive in more than one dimension
.
I, I understand a hundredpercent what that means, but
it's like the brain can talk andlisten to itself.
And I had that experience, likeI did not understand what that
(22:17):
meant and it wasn't because ofreading it that this happened.
I just remember, like the lawof attraction, right?
Like I wanted to think my waythin, okay, I wanted to just
proactively say affirmations orwhatever and not really change
any habits of my life, right?
(22:38):
So let's just, I don't want touse a number, but let's just say
I wanted to lose like 10 pounds.
So I decided I was going towrite that out, I weigh this
amount, and I was going to stickit on the wall so that I would
say that a lot, right, I wouldjust remember to repeat this
affirmation, I guess, or thissaying but what I wrote was I
(23:00):
weigh this amount, you can do itlike cheerleading for myself,
this amount.
You can do it Like cheerleadingfor myself.
And I wrote you can do it,exclamation point.
And I went who's calling me?
You?
Who's?
Who?
Just said you can do it Like,where did that come?
Deborah (23:17):
in.
Debbie (23:17):
Yeah, yeah, but that, yeah, but I no, I did not know.
I did that.
Was it the observer, like who?
I was just trying so hard tounderstand where that came from,
because I had never heard aboutthis next part that he talks
(23:38):
about, where for me, that wasjust two voices and they were
both kind of in agreement.
Right, I'm going to do it, youcan do it.
Right?
Like there's this agreementthere, but there's thousands of
voices that are back there inour heads and sometimes they're
kind of all speaking at the sametime and it's like they're
(24:01):
talking, they're bartering,they're bantering.
Some of them have similarpoints of views and others have
very different points of views,and sometimes those aren't
compatible with each other.
So then what do we do?
That's when we're stuck.
We're like, oh my God, I don'tknow what to do, because, on the
one hand, if I go this way,that's correct, and if I go this
(24:22):
other way, that's correct forsomebody else, but maybe it's
for me, but it's not.
It's like it just, it's likethis confusion in our mind until
we learn how to kind of settlethat down, step back away from
it and begin to learn what isthe truth for ourselves, because
(24:42):
all of those voices are not.
They're put there likedownloads, but they're not
really ours.
Deborah (24:50):
Yeah, and and again, I I'm, you know, being a self-care
coach.
You know, one of the thingsthat I focus on for my clients
are actions that you can take toget there Right.
And so, like one of the thingsthat I always um that that stop.
We've talked about this manytimes, you know.
(25:11):
It's like how do you stop thosevoices?
How do you stop that self?
You know, beating yourself upor thinking, oh, this person
thinks this and it's just aforward thing.
You stop, person thinks thisand it's just a four word thing.
You stop, you take a breath andyou were talking about those two
voices, right?
You observe, you listen tothose voices.
(25:34):
What are they saying?
Is it true, can it not be true?
And then you come up with howyou want to proceed, based on
the information that you haveand based on staying with
yourself, and then you proceed.
So that's how you get out ofthat.
You know, okay, there's,there's, there's whoever's in my
(25:57):
head talking here, talking here, talking here, stop okay, let's
look, we're gonna, we're gonnado a little shop here, talk shop
here.
Debbie (26:06):
Seriously, is it sort of like a bunch of teenagers are
arguing about stuff and then theadult inside of you says hang
on a second.
You guys need to quiet downbecause there's a decision that
needs to be made and I'm goingto make it for all of us
essentially, or in our all ofour best highest good or
(26:29):
whatever I mean.
Deborah (26:31):
I'm trying to find a a way to you know, you know the
what, I, the way that I look atit, using that analogy that you
used um, I think if you'resaying the adult in the room is
saying, okay, y'all stop, I'mgoing to make a decision is kind
of corporal or kind of.
You know, it's not thecollaborative way that I would
(26:57):
like to make any decision thatI'm making, but like a talking
stick, right, so you stop.
Debbie (27:05):
Okay.
Deborah (27:06):
And then you let this young person that has an idea
talk.
You let this young person thathas an idea talk, this person.
And so then you are able tostop and allow those ideas to
emerge, and then they come toyou freely.
You can take all of those intoconsideration, and not maybe as
(27:27):
the adult, but as your true self.
Then you can proceed with theinput of all of these other
people, and it can happen in asplit second.
Debbie (27:38):
I like that I don't think about that because, again,
we were raised differently oryou've been practicing longer.
Sometimes I'm still in thedirector state, you know, like
hold on a second.
But I really like that becauseif I wasn't the highest ranking
(28:00):
one, I would want to be able tohave my input and that just
feels like a very fair way.
Plus, how?
How is that not self-care andself-love?
Because we're allowing eachpart of us to speak right and
they might be in at odds witheach other but they still get to
(28:21):
say like I want to go purpleyand I want to go green and I
want to go yellow, but then itturns out that you know, heading
orange is the best way to go,and but they all got, all got to
have that.
I like that a lot.
I would have never thought todescribe it that way, but I
really.
The talking sticks are reallyreally good.
Visual, really good one.
(28:43):
So thank you for that.
Deborah (28:48):
Anytime I know, but I do.
I do believe that that that iswhat's going to allow us, as a
person, or as a people or ashumanity, to have the space and
the awareness to connect witheach other, without all of these
(29:10):
preconceived notions and all ofthese things.
And when I was talking aboutall the talking sticks, every
one of those people in thatcircle are wanting what is in
your best and highest good right.
Those are parts of you that arecoming forward saying, okay, I
think I'm doing the best.
I think I'm doing the best, andsome of them have been created
(29:33):
out of agreements that youdidn't make but just happened to
be there.
And this gives us a choice tomove forward in a way that
allows us to be more resilientand more free, because we can
step forward with who we are.
Debbie (29:51):
Yeah, it makes.
It makes coming up with adecision a lot easier.
You know, there's so manypeople outside of us that are
trying to tell us what theywould like for us to do, because
that will make them feel better.
Right, you get what I mean bythat?
(30:11):
Right, I do.
And, um, I heard a statementand it was this really
interesting thing, because whenwe're not 100 sure and I'll say
100, but very sure about who weare, when we're not comfortable
yet being authentic, when we'renot yet at a place where we can
(30:33):
determine quickly whether thatperson is saying something that
is in our best interest or isn'tin our best interest, and we
feel a little challenged.
There was a statement or, Iguess, a question, I don't know.
It's like.
It says would you take advicefrom that person?
Right, so there's somebody likethey're saying all their stuff.
(30:55):
You might agree with them, youmight not.
You're like, you're not sure,so, but it's like if, if you're
not sure that what they'retelling you is in your best
interest, the question is wouldyou take advice from that person
?
And if the answer is no, thendon't take their criticism
either.
Deborah (31:13):
Ah, yeah, absolutely.
Debbie (31:15):
So that's the.
Don't take it personal.
So you're listening to somebodyand you're like man, I wouldn't
take advice from that person.
And they say, like you know,you're not a good person because
of this or that, or I don'tlike the clothes you wear, or
whatever.
Why would we accept theircriticism if we wouldn't even
take their advice?
And I was like that is powerful, that is powerful, so that for
(31:38):
me I feel like that wrapped upthis chapter.
For me, it was so good, it wassuch good chapter.
I really, really appreciated theinformation I did get a lot out
of it.
Deborah (31:51):
I got a lot out of it.
Yes, so next time we're goingto be talking about, uh, the
third agreement the thirdagreement.
Debbie (32:01):
Agreement is um make no assumptions yeah, don't make
assumptions.
Deborah (32:06):
So I am looking forward to that conversation, debbie
yeah, that's another one.
Debbie (32:12):
But yeah, I assume stuff all the time it is practicing
shifting that.
Yes, and it's a practice forsure.
So well, you guys, we want tothank you for all the loves,
likes and comments.
It really means a lot andalways.
Deborah (32:33):
We invite you to love and care for the Shero in you.
Bye y'all.
Debbie (32:39):
Bye.
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