April 13, 2025 • 38 mins
Are you always the one who checks in, remembers birthdays, holds space, and keeps the peace in your relationships? In this episode of Shift Happens with Shay, we explore the concept of emotional labor—what it looks like, why it’s often invisible, and how it silently weighs on the women who carry it.
We unpack how emotional labor shows up in romantic relationships, friendships, and even family dynamics, and why it can leave you feeling unseen and emotionally depleted. You’ll learn how to set healthier boundaries, ask for mutual support, and recognize when it's time to shift from being "the strong one" to being your whole self—softness, struggle, and all.
This episode is your permission slip to let go of the pressure to be everything for everyone. Your needs matter too.
🔑 Keywords: emotional labor, relationships, burnout, boundaries, women’s mental health, people pleasing, strong Black woman, self-worth, communication
Continue the conversation with Shay on her Instagram, Facebook page, website, and linkedIn! You can also email Shay at shifthappenswithshay@gmail.com if you are looking for insight about your life, send your stories, or request topics you would like to address.
Please note this podcast is not a substitution for therapy, if you require assistance with exploring trauma, deeper relationship issues, or more please reach out to establish care.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hey there, and welcome to ShiftHappens with Shay.
I'm Shay, your host and licensedmarriage and family therapist.
This podcast is where we diveinto all the shift life throws
our way, whether it'srelationships, mental health,
personal growth, or justfiguring out this crazy journey
of adulting here.
We're all about honestconversation, real stories, and
a whole lot of laughs as wetackles life's challenges
(00:22):
together.
This is your space to grow,explore, and feel seen.
So grab a cozy spot, maybe a cupof coffee or wine, and let's get
ready to shift through it all.
Thanks for tuning in, andremember, no matter what life
brings us, we're in thistogether.
Shay (00:39):
Hello everybody.
I'm so happy to see you and beback.
I am going through it.
I've been quiet lately justbecause I honestly just been
going through it.
I posted a little snippet aboutit on my Instagram page where
it's crazy because that's afterI posted the podcast where we
talked about the power ofvulnerability.
(01:01):
You know, being able to bevulnerable with others because
it's necessary for true,meaningful connections, which
we've been talking about a loton this.
Embracing Yourself and EmbracingChange and Growth Series.
So this is just me beingvulnerable with you guys.
I didn't post a podcast.
Last week, well, two weeks ago,because I was in a very deep
(01:21):
depressive state since justgoing through everything with my
health and seeing symptoms comeback and fighting constant
fatigue, and of course havingthose thoughts where kind of
despair like, does this getbetter?
Please tell me there's a wayout.
I'm just so tired.
I wanna be able to move, beagain.
I wanna be able to feel light.
(01:43):
I want to be able to not feeltired all the time.
And it's just been really hardthough.
I'm still going out.
I'm not isolating myself all theway, but I'm not able to do
things.
I'm not gonna say I'm not able.
It's been difficult to initiatedoing things that typically
bring me joy, like playing videogames or reading, doing my
(02:05):
affirmations daily, evenjournaling even just walks.
I usually love going on walks.
I'll go and take my beautifullittle murky out and I just.
Find it hard for myself to gooutside.
I did it to go to the mailbox afew times, and when I was at my
mom's house and was able to beout in her patio, and I did that
(02:30):
one day too with Mona in my ownpatio, just sitting outside and
listening to affirmations anddoing a guided meditation, and
that was nice.
So I'm gonna try and do a littlebit more of those.
But yes, that's why I've beenkind of MIA, I'm just.
Human.
I am a therapist who still needsto get through it.
(02:50):
No matter how many tools I havein my toolbox for coping or
managing, it's still difficult,so with that all being said, we
are going to be talking aboutburnout, of course.
More emotional awareness andemotional labor and
(03:11):
relationships.
Because the silent weight ofalways being the strong one is
crazy.
And this relates to what we weretalking about before.
I'm not saying that my friendsaren't, mindful they do check in
on me, those that, understandwhat I'm going through.
But I am typically the silentwarrior type of person where it
is just I just gotta find a way.
(03:32):
I just gotta do it.
I just gotta make it happen.
No excuses.
We're not here for thosebecause.
Who wants to hear an excuse?
Nobody.
Everybody thinks that we haveall these resources, so why
don't you just use them?
I'm a person that uses all myresources before I go and ask
somebody else.
Like for instance, when myfamily, I'm, they're really the
(03:56):
last people I call on and notbecause they're not reliable,
but because I have this thingwhere I feel like my mom.
It should really be my emergencycontact.
Like I really tried my best.
I didn't figure it out.
I went through A, through ZIIwent through double letters at
this point, and honestly, I'mworking on that and she tells me
(04:20):
I'm here, just talk to me askingquestions and I'm getting better
at that, but sometimes.
I just don't wanna put more onpeople, but by doing that, I end
up putting a lot on myself.
So we end up having a lot ofpressure with, ourselves.
But yeah, that's for me.
So I used to think being strongmeant I couldn't ever fall
apart.
(04:41):
I have to hold things up.
I have to be the pillar ofstrength, and I developed that.
Like I mentioned in my lastpodcast, our last session, how I
developed that thinking aroundhonestly the age 15, 16 ish.
And it's just stuck with me.
Find all the options, besolution focused, like you don't
have time to cry.
(05:02):
Crying doesn't solve anything,but.
Crying releases so much stress.
It is your body literallysaying, I can't hold this.
We need to release, and that'spowerful in itself.
So let's go into emotional laborbecause this is the unseen
mental and emotional efforts tocare for others.
(05:25):
Yeah.
Nobody sees it.
Nobody notices because you'renot breaking a sweat, you're not
crying, you're not breakingdown.
So you're always a strong, whenpeople come to you for your
advice, your insight, becauseyou look like the person who's
got it all together.
You do have it all togetheraccording to everybody else, but
you're human just like hello therest of them.
(05:46):
But people have this ideabecause you don't always crumble
or fall apart, that it justmeans you're not going through
anything.
That it can't be that seriousbecause they've never seen you
at your lowest.
And to be quite honest,everybody doesn't get access to
that.
(06:06):
Not everybody deserves to seethat side of you.
You get to choose who are yoursafe places in your safe people,
as we talked about in ourvulnerability episode.
So I understand that 100%.
You have every right to defineand identify who those people
are for you.
Yes.
So sometimes you'll find us inthe workplace, that's where it
(06:30):
comes from because we're alwaystalking about mental labor,
we're always talking aboutphysical labor.
And when it comes to work, allthe moving around the lifting,
maybe having to do it on yourown or maybe at work you're the
supervisor or you are the go-toperson, not even the supervisor,
but you're the go-to person atyour job and everybody's always
asking you where to go, how do Ido this?
And then over time it's likepeople just stop relying on
(06:53):
their own instincts and theirown knowledge and their own
capacity and start going to youall the time.
Like you're the option.
Everybody just forgets that theyhave the capacity to think and
make quick decisions just as youdo too.
But now we lean into that wholefame ignorance.
It's just.
(07:13):
And that's a lot because you'retrying to hold up everybody else
and be aware and mindful ofeverybody else's emotional
needs, their mental needs.
Oh, maybe they don't have thecapacity to do this.
I'll take this on.
Oh, I'll just help them, guidethem.
Oh, I will hold their handthrough this.
Instead of challenging people tobe accountable for their own
(07:34):
feelings, they need to beaccountable because everybody
needs to learn to sit withdiscomfort.
Hard, like all those bigemotions, anger, sadness, and
justice violation, despair,powerlessness, overwhelmingness,
all of that.
(07:54):
Everybody has to learn at somepoint to sit with that and make
a determination that they'regoing to change, they're gonna
make a change.
They're gonna create their ownsolutions.
If a old solution that somebodyelse have given has not worked,
that they know that they havethe capabilities to do it.
So yeah, some other stuffbesides managing other people's
(08:17):
emotions is, anticipating otherpeople's needs.
Being the peacekeeper andemotional labor can show up in
romantic, platonic and familydynamics.
It's not only just with.
You know your partner.
That's a big example becauseusually in relationship we as
women, we tend to feel that it'sa mental load.
It's when you reach it andyou're just like, I can't think
(08:40):
of another appointment.
I can't be bothered to think ofwhat to make for dinner.
I can't come to think of afterwork I've been giving and giving
and giving all there, and then Igotta come home and you want me
to think about what to feed you,what to like, why didn't I buy
this on the way home?
Or why didn't I think ofeverything?
(09:01):
And I was so rude to have youthink of it, my dear.
I am human.
If you thought about it, go doit.
But again, we think that if wedon't anticipate other people's
needs, we're being dismissive.
We're neglecting our partners,we're neglecting our friends.
We're not being mindful, andthat's not it.
(09:25):
It's just we all have limits.
When you're the one constantlydoing everything, you're going
to run out of space.
For yourself, then there's nospace for you to regroup,
recenter, take that nice deepbreath and release because
you're too busy thinking abouteverybody else's needs, and your
(09:47):
needs are all the way there inthe back burner.
That's not fair to you.
And if they loved you, theywould know.
That's not fair to therelationship either.
And family dynamics.
It could be every time thatthere's some kind of crisis or
monetary needs or just anything,like something goes down.
(10:11):
Just the smallest things to thebiggest things.
You're the first person.
Someone calls for comfort, forreassurance, and sometimes that
feels good, but then you realizeyou don't get the same thing
back.
That maybe there was a time thatyou try to open up, you try to
release.
(10:31):
But you realize that personcouldn't hold you, so you
figured you'd rather justcontinue to do it by yourself.
And that's different.
I can hear that, but stick withme a little bit because being
the strong one always is goingto drain you.
We are not meant to go throughthis life by ourselves.
(10:51):
Even coming into this world,there is assistance from people
bringing us here.
We didn't get here by ourselves.
We may have came out byourselves physically, but.
We weren't brought here byourselves.
So if that's in birth and youknow, in life, you definitely do
need somebody just saying.
Just saying.
(11:11):
So some of the things that wetalk about, the toll of always
being the strong one, is thatthere is burnout and resentment.
After a while that bitternessstarts to kick on up because
it's just i'm always there foreverybody else.
I can anticipate their needs.
I can tell when they're having abad day.
(11:32):
I can tell when they'reattacking themselves in their
minds.
I can tell when they're beingreally nasty with themselves.
I can tell when they're off.
I pay attention to the peoplearound me, and nobody even
thinks to give me the ounce ofslither of the same thing.
Why does nobody else notice whenI'm about to break down?
(11:54):
Why does nobody else notice mycues when I'm overwhelmed?
Why does nobody check in on meafter a while?
It goes from oh it's okay to,no, I'm tired.
But then if I say no, now I'mmean.
And then when you're burnt outand then you just back away or
(12:15):
you quiet, you leave your groupchats or you're not really
checking in on people instead ofjust being like, oh my God, are
you okay?
What's going on?
It's she may be going throughsomething, but she'll get it
together.
It's okay.
You know, she'll always comeback on top.
Don't worry about her, thatattitude instead of the first
one.
Are you okay?
That's all we as strong peoplewant.
(12:37):
Also, to be quite honest, Idon't wanna be considered strong
because when you label a blackwoman, strong people don't
humanize us anymore.
They dehumanize us at that pointbecause we're super women.
We could just take anything.
You could keep throwing it,throwing it, throwing it at her,
and she's not gonna crumble.
Absolutely not.
And that is society trying tomake us feel that we're not
(12:57):
worthy of softness and we're notworthy of being cared for that
it's our job to take care ofeverybody.
History, like them forcing thateven in the past we've had
community, we all helped eachother, checked on each other
with families and birth and foodand guidance, and that is a
(13:18):
council job.
That's not just a one personjob.
So it's absurd and crazy to knownow in order to justify those
disgusting behaviors that theydo towards black women that.
We're pretty much looked at asoh, she got it together.
She got tough skin.
(13:39):
That's okay.
You don't have to check on her.
She'll be all right.
She could take it.
Oh, she has a high paintolerance.
What?
No.
And then that leads to theemotional invisibility as if we
don't feel as if just womendon't have feelings because.
(14:00):
We've always been told, andhonestly, the societal
expectation is to take care ofeverybody, is to be nurturing,
is to show up all the time andbe there for everybody else.
And even the phrase of treatothers like you want to be
treated.
But then that goes back toresentment, burnout, because you
keep giving and ain't nobodygiving the same level you
(14:20):
giving.
So then that phrase starts tolook a little different.
It's no, I don't wanna keepgiving.
Why keep giving into an endlesspit that all they do is take but
never replenish me?
I'm not endless.
And you're not endless either.
So going back to emotionalinvisibility.
Yeah, this is my little blankie.
(14:40):
It's comfortable.
It's from my mom.
Going back to emotionalvisibility.
Yeah.
Now nobody sees it.
Everybody acts like your pain'snot there.
Like it's right in the face.
You're not talking as much.
You're withdrawing, you arekeeping to yourself.
You're not contributing as much.
You're just not doing all thethings you usually would do in
(15:02):
situations, and nobody isthinking to check on you because
they just assume you'll get ittogether.
You always have it together, sothis will be no different
instead of just, it takes justone person to check on you.
It just takes about fiveminutes.
If so, yeah, it just, yeah, soemotional invisibility is hard.
(15:22):
The also us being, going backto, like I said, we're meant to
be nurturers carers, and that'sthe identity wrapped up in
ourselves.
We're taught that from a youngage.
Baby dolls, cabbage patch dolls,oh my God.
Showing age, but you know,wanting to be family.
You wanna be a wife.
That is your goal in life, tocare for your husband, your
(15:44):
significant other, whatever youlove, like that is your goal to
pretty much take care of yoursignificant other and children
for the rest of your life.
And then you will have ascendedinto being an amazing, decent
person because that is thepurpose of woman reproduce and
care for others.
And don't think about yourselfbecause that's selfish.
(16:05):
You weren't put on this earth tojust think about you.
It is asinine.
It's just so crazy to me.
But we've all gotten that andthen we all end up becoming
fixers.
You can't fix nobody Thatdoesn't wanna be fixed.
We're not here to fix nobody.
Everybody is responsible forthemselves.
We are not here to make somebodybe more accountable, to make
(16:28):
them more reliable, to make themmore dependable, to make them be
the person that you need.
People don't need fixing becausewhen you try and fix they rebel.
People gotta believe that theywanna change something.
It's not your job to change.
Nobody Save nobody Fix nobody.
(16:48):
If they wanted to, they would.
Especially with you.
Lying.
Lying all the, pretty muchputting out all the resources
out for them and they don't wantto because why?
Take that up when I could justgo to you just saying.
Just saying.
So we need to.
Let that go and release that.
(17:09):
And for us as women of color,that's in us really deeply
because even in today messagesonline, social media or
whatever, it's still oh, youneed to be there for black men,
or We need to show up for thisperson or this group and this
ethnic or, ethnic group, thisdemographic.
And, but nobody shows the samething to us.
(17:29):
So it's crazy that finally weare giving ourselves permission
to rest now, and everybody'supset about that.
Or some people just feel thatit's selfish.
Nobody wants to be the strongone no more.
And that's okay.
That's a movement.
I don't wanna be strong, I wannabe soft, I wanna be held, I
wanna be seen, I wanna be heard.
(17:50):
And that's okay.
I feel that I get that 100%.
So let's be seen.
Let's be heard.
But when we're not.
It drains us always being takenfrom just always being take,
take, take, take, take.
There's no space for anybodyelse when you're at your
capacity, at your load, andthat's understandable.
(18:14):
So don't force it.
Do not force yourself to workfrom an empty cup.
What are you giving?
Smoke and air.
Smoke and mirrors.
I don't know.
You're a magician.
I guess at this point, bump thatwe're not doing that.
Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.
We're not doing that no more.
So there's no need to be thestrong one.
You do deserve that.
You deserve to be light and airyand feminine.
(18:37):
As we've mentioned in ourprevious sessions, you deserve
that.
You deserve vulnerability, youdeserve softness, you deserve
rest.
That is not something you haveto earn.
And if we are earning based onmerits, you damn well already
did it.
Then you have it already.
What more are you about to give?
(18:57):
Don't sacrifice your wholebeing.
For people who wouldn't eventhink to sacrifice the shirt off
their back for you.
I'm just saying, so how do werecognize Shay when we're just
doing too much baby?
Emma doing too much?
Yes.
You all heard that song becausePaula was doing too much in that
song and you're doing too muchin life as well.
(19:19):
You aren't doing too much if youfind that you are irritable.
Just at the mention of somebodycoming to you with a problem or
seeing that person's name comeup on your phone or shoot, just
even seeing something inrelevance to it.
If somebody brings up theirname, you're tired, you're burnt
out.
If you're exhaustion, you're sofatigued.
(19:41):
Whether that's physically,mentally, spiritually, like you
just don't have the energy, thespace, nor the capacity for
nobody.
You're just tired.
And then.
The feeling of guilt.
Guilt for wanting to rest, guiltfor even thinking that, oh, I
(20:02):
think I should lay down rightnow because it's been demonized.
Rest has been demonized for solong to the strong one.
How do you get to rest?
You don't get to rest.
That's not what you do.
That's not a part of you.
That's crazy.
I think it's crazy, but when youfeel irritable.
(20:23):
Exhausted and guilty.
It's time to look deeper.
What's making me feel irritable?
What is disturbing my peace?
What is making it so hard for meto lay down at night and shut
off my mind?
What is it that no matter howmuch, even if I get sleep, I
wake up and I'm still tired asif I didn't get an ounce of
(20:45):
sleep prior?
How, where and why?
Boo, you deserve rest.
That's all.
Just be gentle at yourself isall I'm gonna say right now.
Self-compassion.
And I do wanna give you guys ajournal prompt because hey,
(21:05):
that's me.
I love for us to write andself-reflect because
self-reflection is empowering.
And the more you know aboutyourself, the more you can
manage and attune to differentsituations that come into your
life because.
There's nothing more powerfulthan you knowing more about you
knowing exactly how you work.
That's how you could prevent alot of things.
Honestly.
That's how you manage life whenpeople are not there for you.
(21:30):
When people wanna label youstrong and dehumanize you and
see you other than just a personknow you, because now you know
how to be there for you and howto comfort yourself and how to
teach others to comfort you.
How can you.
I expect people to show up foryou if you're not showing up for
(21:51):
you right now.
So let's take this time for ajournal prompt.
Where do I feel emotionallyoverextended right now?
Where do we feel that at thismoment?
So think about that.
That'll be, you're a minihomework.
But yeah, where do I feelemotionally overextended right
(22:11):
now?
And be curious with yourselfwhen you start identifying these
things.
Go deeper.
Why do I feel exhausted though?
What is it about this area thatis pulling me, that I feel that
I'm pulled in differentdirections?
Where do I feel misaligned?
Where do I feel that I'm notenough Here?
Where do I feel the guilt andwhy do I feel the guilt for
(22:32):
rest?
Be curious with yourself.
Don't attack yourself whileyou're doing the journal prompt.
That would be counterproductive.
So I do want you guys to thinkabout that.
And then after that, think aboutwhere am I allowed to fall
apart?
(22:53):
Whoa, fall apart, miss, ma'am, Ican't do that.
Falling apart is a no-no.
Falling apart is not allowed.
Falling apart is no, no, no, no,no, no, no, no, no.
We can't do that.
If I fall apart, you're afraidyou won't get back up because
you haven't allowed yourself tobe there.
(23:16):
Give yourself permission to fallapart.
Give yourself permission tocrack.
Give yourself permission to layit out.
Release.
If you are not releasing, whereare all these feelings going?
They just stay within you, andyou keep building it up and
penting it up and penting it upand penting it up, and you can't
(23:37):
hold no more.
You're drowning.
So give yourself permission tofall apart.
Where can I fall apart?
Where am I allowed to fallapart?
Take some time for that becauseyou truly do, but you do deserve
that.
You deserve that time.
(24:01):
So I also want us to re-authorbecause I'm a therapist.
I love narrative stuff.
I love us empowering ourselvesby reclaiming the narrative of
ourselves.
Instead of letting others tellus who we are and what we do.
We tell ourselves it.
We take back our narrative.
I don't have to accept anybodyelse's narrative of me, just as
(24:23):
you don't have to acceptnobody's narrative of you.
But in order for us to releasesociety's expectation, family
expectation, partner'sexpectations, friends
expectations, we have to diginside of ourselves.
If I no longer wanna be thestrong one, what do I do?
Who do I want to be known as?
And that's up to you.
(24:43):
But first, we gotta let go ofperfectionism crazy.
'cause I started this saying howperfectionist I am.
But look, I'm doing today.
This way instead of the way Iimagined my first video podcast
being, and it's okay.
I am having a vibe.
I'm having a good time, and overtime we will, get to where we
(25:04):
need to.
Same thing for you, let go ofthe perfectionism because when
we let go of perfectionism, webecome more human.
If we keep making.
Well, taking on the identitythat I'm perfect or I need to be
perfect or need, or this, that,whatever.
With perfectionism, if you keeptaking on that word, it's gonna
be really hard for you tohumanize yourself.
(25:26):
You're not looking at yourselfas a human, as just a woman,
just a being let go ofperfectionism that leads us to
failure.
Nothing in life is perfect.
Be happy with yourself.
Of course, if there's things youwanna change, that is perfectly
fine, but stop moving thegoalpost.
Stop it.
(25:48):
Okay?
Give yourself permission toreceive.
Isn't that crazy?
When we're too busy being thestrong one, we think we always
have to give to everybody else,but we gotta be open to
receiving sometimes.
Being the strong run has made itreally hard for us.
To accept help.
(26:11):
Yeah.
You already thinking about atime that you already told
people numerous times?
No.
When you really should have saidyes.
When people offer, allow them tohelp, you are allowed to
receive.
If you're not open to receiving,you're going to always have the
door shut.
The door will never open foryou.
You'll never see relief, but beopen to receiving somebody
(26:34):
else's gift.
Be open to receiving somebodyelse's words.
Be open to receiving.
In general when you have areceiving spirit atmosphere
about you mindset, so manythings will come to you, and
then you can release thispersonification that you need to
struggle in order to reap thebenefits of a life, you do not
(26:54):
need to struggle to achieve.
Softness, release,perfectionism, release.
Not giving yourself permissionto receive, release it.
This is crazy.
But yes, just release it andrebuild that identity outside of
being the one who holds it, whoare you?
(27:17):
Outside of that, if you tookthat narrative away from
yourself, that role in yourfamily relationship or
friendships, then what is yourrole?
Who are you without it?
'cause sometimes, despite how.
It hurts us to be the strongone.
We hold onto it because we feelthat's what brings value or how
(27:37):
we bring value to a relationshipbecause we're able to weather
every storm.
But I'm not trying to weather ahurricane.
I'm not trying to be outside.
I'm trying to be inside.
I'm not trying to fight atornado.
What do you look like?
Throwing hands with air.
Doesn't it look ridiculous?
Because it is ridiculous.
(27:57):
There is more to you than justbeing the strong one.
There's more than you just beingthe one who can hold it all.
There's more to you.
Yes you can.
You are great with problemsolving.
That's a beautiful thing.
But there's more to you thanbeing a project manager of your
family.
(28:18):
There's more to it.
You don't need to do that.
Humanize yourself.
Who are you?
You're creative.
You're animated, you're funnyyou're adventurous.
You bring experiences to yourfamily.
There's just so many more thingsyou can do than to hold your
family's trauma.
I so much more.
(28:40):
So much more.
Yes.
And then of course that leads usback to boundaries.
I don't know how many times Igotta talk about it with y'all,
but I'm gonna keep bringing itup because it feels like it's
always reoccurring because whenit comes to being the strong
one, we are not having reallygood boundaries.
They're either too loose orthey're too tight.
(29:02):
When you're not receiving,that's a tight boundary nobody
can get through.
When you're letting everybodyjust dump things on you, that's
a loose boundary.
You just letting everybody inthem on the end, and that's when
that's a no go.
We need to have moderation.
Not everything can come in, butnot everything can come, out.
Like it's just, it's the sameway.
Okay.
(29:25):
Boundaries.
So some things for emotionalboundaries, like if you just
don't have the capacity forsomebody, whether it's friend,
partner, or loved one, you canjust say, I wanna support you,
but I'm also feeling drained.
Can we check in later?
Something like that works too.
(29:46):
This is how we protect our heartbecause we just genuinely don't
have the space to take insomebody else's conflict.
Right now.
Somebody else's hurt their pain.
We just don't have it in us.
And I say that as somebody whois a therapist because my job is
to hold space for people, but Itoo am human and sometimes I
(30:08):
don't have it.
Sometimes a session's gotta becut short.
Sometimes I gotta cancel.
Sometimes I gotta cry in betweena session.
Sometimes I need to just vent.
Sometimes I need to play a gamejust to decompress.
You gotta be in tune withyourself.
(30:28):
It's okay to tell somebody no,to give you space and say yes to
you.
So again, if you need help withemotional boundary script.
It's okay to acknowledge thatyou wanna be there for somebody,
and then also acknowledge thatunfortunately at this time you
don't have the space for them,but that later, if y'all could
(30:49):
check back in, you'll have it.
And if your friends, yourpartner, or your family don't
understand that, well, we aboutto train them so they can
understand it.
And if they're not willing tounderstand, they'll never
understand.
And that's where you put in moreboundaries.
Because if somebody's notwilling to understand you or
want to get to know you, theynever will, and they'll always
(31:10):
just wanna take from you backaway.
Build your discernment.
We wanna build reciprocalrelationships.
I wanna be there for you, and Iwant you to be there for me.
For you.
Give me space.
I give you space.
I respect that because you needconsent.
Your friends need consent beforethey just dump the world on you.
Everybody honestly needs consentbefore they dump the world on
(31:32):
you.
There's not no open sign.
There's not no, hey dumpwhenever 24 7.
No, absolutely not.
We build healthy, reciprocalconnections when people who
understand us, see us, feel us,are attuned to us too, that
check in, Hey, I have somethingon my heart I wanted to check
(31:56):
in.
Do you have room for me today?
How's your heart space lookinglike?
Because girl, it's been a dayfor me.
And at first, when you're notused to this, you and your
friends or whoever you're doingthis with, may feel sad, may
feel hurt because you're notused to you saying no at this
time.
And that's okay.
(32:17):
But we have to be used tositting there with that
discomfort.
We have to be okay with that.
To a degree we can't.
And that takes time.
I'm gonna stop right therebecause it just takes time.
We are training each other onhow to love ourselves, love each
other accordingly, and supportone another.
And this is also releasing youfrom the role that you are the
(32:39):
strong one.
I say this as someone who haspracticed this with one of my
best friends.
We have been through a lot ofstuff in the past year, and our
friendship has changeddramatically.
But if there's one thing forsure.
She's learned to check in ifit's okay to vent to me, just
because of the emotional toilthat it took on me that she kept
(33:06):
coming and coming to me becauseI though she respects and loves,
my insight and my thoughts.
I did feel she was using mytitle as a therapist to forget
that I'm also human inside andthat I'm your friend.
I'm a person.
I'm not talking to you as atherapist.
I'm coming to you, I'm talkingto you as a friend, but you're
(33:27):
seeing this as a therapysession, and that's unfair to
me, especially when I don't haveto respond to you as I would my
clients.
I, I don't have to hold spacefor you if I don't want to.
I didn't consent to you toalways dumping on me and then
you never making any changesbecause we talked about that
(33:47):
too.
There's a difference betweenventing and complaining as soon
as you start complaining.
'cause after the third time, andyou talking about this with me
and you haven't made any effortsto change anything, you're just
complaining and you're suckingme dry, and that's a no hope for
me.
But with that friend, sheunderstands now she has to check
in on me because I am still toohealing from that.
(34:08):
And it's okay as a strong one.
To be healing from the emotionaltoil and emotional burnt out.
The emotional labor people haveput on you for the years, they
gotta check in with you.
We ain't open 24 7.
And that's a okay.
And just going back to ourprevious session, vulnerability
is a strength.
We talked about that.
(34:29):
This is when you have to bevulnerable.
This is when you gotta speak upfor yourself, advocate for
yourself, and if somebody wantsto receive you, they will.
And if somebody just out oftheir way, don't want to.
Then we gotta learn to cut themout or lessen our time with
them.
Because right now, as the strongone, when we don't wanna be
strong no more, we gottapractice vulnerability, we gotta
(34:50):
practice it.
We gotta practice being softerwith ourselves because we
deserve softness, we deserve it.
So with that being said, I'mgoing to come to a close and an
affirmation I have for you guys,I'm gonna look at it.
Okay.
I release the need to hold itall.
(35:12):
I'm allowed to receive love,care, and rest.
Say it again with me.
I release the need to hold itall.
I'm allowed to receive love,care, and rest.
Because you truly do.
Beautiful.
You deserve it so much.
Stop allowing others to takefrom you and start allowing
(35:35):
yourself to fall apart.
Get back up, take care ofyourself, rest, because rest is
not something you earn.
It's something you deserve.
If this hits you today and youneeded to hear that word,
awesome, I'm so happy that Icould help you with this.
(35:56):
If you feel this is somethingthat maybe you're like, oh, my
friend needs to hear this.
I've been telling her to let go.
Go ahead and send it to her.
Come my way.
So I'm also going to put ourjournal prompt that I mentioned
earlier in the episode.
But as always, I will be puttingthese reflective thoughts on the
ig.
(36:17):
So follow me at Shift happenswith Shay if you're not already
doing so.
I'm at YouTube.
Shift happens with Shay,Instagram Shift happens with
Shay.
And if you are looking for aprofessional link up with me,
you can definitely follow me.
At Shantanique Moore King onlinkedin.com.
Okay.
If you would like to work withme, whether that is in a therapy
(36:38):
or I guess coaching aspect orwhatnot just reach out.
You can honestly look up my nameand you'll see the company I
work for.
I'm not gonna give'em a plug, byall means No, but you can find
me and begin work with me thatway.
But, yeah, so ig I'm also doingsome cute little Pinterest and
whatnot.
(36:58):
Yay.
But yeah, so the journal prompt,it's going to be on ig, interact
with me on there and we'll getinto it and talk about our
feelings.
I definitely want us to keepbuilding this community so that
we can keep sipping and shiftingwith each other.
Woohoo.
Also, I am making progress on myshop.
Like I mentioned to you guys,rose in shift.
I know you guys wanna know themeaning behind that, but.
(37:21):
We'll get there.
We'll get there.
Okay.
Once I launched a website, I'lltell you guys to go over there
and read all about it.
Gimme your thoughts, but I'mreally excited because the
products that I'm going to begiving out, I think they're
gonna be really great on yourhealing journey, especially for
those of us who are coming fromvery traumatic backgrounds of
not knowing how to be soft andnot allowing ourselves to rest
(37:43):
and let go to being thisimpenetrable.
Wall when that's not who we everwere.
This is going to allow ourselvesto reconnect with our bodies,
and I'm using the power of scentto do so.
So a lot of my items will belike shower steamers, red
diffusers, car diffusers,possibly room sprays bath salts,
(38:04):
because I want us to getreintegrated with ourselves to
being a safe space again forourselves.
If you can't designate yourselfas a safe space, it's gonna be
very difficult for you to dothat with other people.
Okay?
I'm so excited about bringingthat to you guys.
I hope you love today.
I love you guys.
I enjoyed this.
(38:24):
I'll probably maybe get thistogether.
If not, this is just what we'regonna be doing.
But knowing me, I'm gonna gofind a way.
But anyways, I adore you.
I love you guys.
Keep shifting'cause you deserveit.
We're gonna thrive through whatwe go through and I love you.
Hey there, and welcome to ShiftHappens with Shay.
I'm Shay, your host and licensedmarriage and family therapist.
This podcast is where we diveinto all the shift life throws
our way, whether it'srelationships, mental health,
personal growth, or justfiguring out this crazy journey
of adulting here.
We're all about honestconversation, real stories, and
a whole lot of laughs as wetackles life's challenges
(00:22):
together.
This is your space to grow,explore, and feel seen.
So grab a cozy spot, maybe a cupof coffee or wine, and let's get
ready to shift through it all.
Thanks for tuning in, andremember, no matter what life
brings us, we're in thistogether.
Shay (00:39):
Hello everybody.
I'm so happy to see you and beback.
I am going through it.
I've been quiet lately justbecause I honestly just been
going through it.
I posted a little snippet aboutit on my Instagram page where
it's crazy because that's afterI posted the podcast where we
talked about the power ofvulnerability.
(01:01):
You know, being able to bevulnerable with others because
it's necessary for true,meaningful connections, which
we've been talking about a loton this.
Embracing Yourself and EmbracingChange and Growth Series.
So this is just me beingvulnerable with you guys.
I didn't post a podcast.
Last week, well, two weeks ago,because I was in a very deep
(01:21):
depressive state since justgoing through everything with my
health and seeing symptoms comeback and fighting constant
fatigue, and of course havingthose thoughts where kind of
despair like, does this getbetter?
Please tell me there's a wayout.
I'm just so tired.
I wanna be able to move, beagain.
I wanna be able to feel light.
(01:43):
I want to be able to not feeltired all the time.
And it's just been really hardthough.
I'm still going out.
I'm not isolating myself all theway, but I'm not able to do
things.
I'm not gonna say I'm not able.
It's been difficult to initiatedoing things that typically
bring me joy, like playing videogames or reading, doing my
(02:05):
affirmations daily, evenjournaling even just walks.
I usually love going on walks.
I'll go and take my beautifullittle murky out and I just.
Find it hard for myself to gooutside.
I did it to go to the mailbox afew times, and when I was at my
mom's house and was able to beout in her patio, and I did that
(02:30):
one day too with Mona in my ownpatio, just sitting outside and
listening to affirmations anddoing a guided meditation, and
that was nice.
So I'm gonna try and do a littlebit more of those.
But yes, that's why I've beenkind of MIA, I'm just.
Human.
I am a therapist who still needsto get through it.
(02:50):
No matter how many tools I havein my toolbox for coping or
managing, it's still difficult,so with that all being said, we
are going to be talking aboutburnout, of course.
More emotional awareness andemotional labor and
(03:11):
relationships.
Because the silent weight ofalways being the strong one is
crazy.
And this relates to what we weretalking about before.
I'm not saying that my friendsaren't, mindful they do check in
on me, those that, understandwhat I'm going through.
But I am typically the silentwarrior type of person where it
is just I just gotta find a way.
(03:32):
I just gotta do it.
I just gotta make it happen.
No excuses.
We're not here for thosebecause.
Who wants to hear an excuse?
Nobody.
Everybody thinks that we haveall these resources, so why
don't you just use them?
I'm a person that uses all myresources before I go and ask
somebody else.
Like for instance, when myfamily, I'm, they're really the
(03:56):
last people I call on and notbecause they're not reliable,
but because I have this thingwhere I feel like my mom.
It should really be my emergencycontact.
Like I really tried my best.
I didn't figure it out.
I went through A, through ZIIwent through double letters at
this point, and honestly, I'mworking on that and she tells me
(04:20):
I'm here, just talk to me askingquestions and I'm getting better
at that, but sometimes.
I just don't wanna put more onpeople, but by doing that, I end
up putting a lot on myself.
So we end up having a lot ofpressure with, ourselves.
But yeah, that's for me.
So I used to think being strongmeant I couldn't ever fall
apart.
(04:41):
I have to hold things up.
I have to be the pillar ofstrength, and I developed that.
Like I mentioned in my lastpodcast, our last session, how I
developed that thinking aroundhonestly the age 15, 16 ish.
And it's just stuck with me.
Find all the options, besolution focused, like you don't
have time to cry.
(05:02):
Crying doesn't solve anything,but.
Crying releases so much stress.
It is your body literallysaying, I can't hold this.
We need to release, and that'spowerful in itself.
So let's go into emotional laborbecause this is the unseen
mental and emotional efforts tocare for others.
(05:25):
Yeah.
Nobody sees it.
Nobody notices because you'renot breaking a sweat, you're not
crying, you're not breakingdown.
So you're always a strong, whenpeople come to you for your
advice, your insight, becauseyou look like the person who's
got it all together.
You do have it all togetheraccording to everybody else, but
you're human just like hello therest of them.
(05:46):
But people have this ideabecause you don't always crumble
or fall apart, that it justmeans you're not going through
anything.
That it can't be that seriousbecause they've never seen you
at your lowest.
And to be quite honest,everybody doesn't get access to
that.
(06:06):
Not everybody deserves to seethat side of you.
You get to choose who are yoursafe places in your safe people,
as we talked about in ourvulnerability episode.
So I understand that 100%.
You have every right to defineand identify who those people
are for you.
Yes.
So sometimes you'll find us inthe workplace, that's where it
(06:30):
comes from because we're alwaystalking about mental labor,
we're always talking aboutphysical labor.
And when it comes to work, allthe moving around the lifting,
maybe having to do it on yourown or maybe at work you're the
supervisor or you are the go-toperson, not even the supervisor,
but you're the go-to person atyour job and everybody's always
asking you where to go, how do Ido this?
And then over time it's likepeople just stop relying on
(06:53):
their own instincts and theirown knowledge and their own
capacity and start going to youall the time.
Like you're the option.
Everybody just forgets that theyhave the capacity to think and
make quick decisions just as youdo too.
But now we lean into that wholefame ignorance.
It's just.
(07:13):
And that's a lot because you'retrying to hold up everybody else
and be aware and mindful ofeverybody else's emotional
needs, their mental needs.
Oh, maybe they don't have thecapacity to do this.
I'll take this on.
Oh, I'll just help them, guidethem.
Oh, I will hold their handthrough this.
Instead of challenging people tobe accountable for their own
(07:34):
feelings, they need to beaccountable because everybody
needs to learn to sit withdiscomfort.
Hard, like all those bigemotions, anger, sadness, and
justice violation, despair,powerlessness, overwhelmingness,
all of that.
(07:54):
Everybody has to learn at somepoint to sit with that and make
a determination that they'regoing to change, they're gonna
make a change.
They're gonna create their ownsolutions.
If a old solution that somebodyelse have given has not worked,
that they know that they havethe capabilities to do it.
So yeah, some other stuffbesides managing other people's
(08:17):
emotions is, anticipating otherpeople's needs.
Being the peacekeeper andemotional labor can show up in
romantic, platonic and familydynamics.
It's not only just with.
You know your partner.
That's a big example becauseusually in relationship we as
women, we tend to feel that it'sa mental load.
It's when you reach it andyou're just like, I can't think
(08:40):
of another appointment.
I can't be bothered to think ofwhat to make for dinner.
I can't come to think of afterwork I've been giving and giving
and giving all there, and then Igotta come home and you want me
to think about what to feed you,what to like, why didn't I buy
this on the way home?
Or why didn't I think ofeverything?
(09:01):
And I was so rude to have youthink of it, my dear.
I am human.
If you thought about it, go doit.
But again, we think that if wedon't anticipate other people's
needs, we're being dismissive.
We're neglecting our partners,we're neglecting our friends.
We're not being mindful, andthat's not it.
(09:25):
It's just we all have limits.
When you're the one constantlydoing everything, you're going
to run out of space.
For yourself, then there's nospace for you to regroup,
recenter, take that nice deepbreath and release because
you're too busy thinking abouteverybody else's needs, and your
(09:47):
needs are all the way there inthe back burner.
That's not fair to you.
And if they loved you, theywould know.
That's not fair to therelationship either.
And family dynamics.
It could be every time thatthere's some kind of crisis or
monetary needs or just anything,like something goes down.
(10:11):
Just the smallest things to thebiggest things.
You're the first person.
Someone calls for comfort, forreassurance, and sometimes that
feels good, but then you realizeyou don't get the same thing
back.
That maybe there was a time thatyou try to open up, you try to
release.
(10:31):
But you realize that personcouldn't hold you, so you
figured you'd rather justcontinue to do it by yourself.
And that's different.
I can hear that, but stick withme a little bit because being
the strong one always is goingto drain you.
We are not meant to go throughthis life by ourselves.
(10:51):
Even coming into this world,there is assistance from people
bringing us here.
We didn't get here by ourselves.
We may have came out byourselves physically, but.
We weren't brought here byourselves.
So if that's in birth and youknow, in life, you definitely do
need somebody just saying.
Just saying.
(11:11):
So some of the things that wetalk about, the toll of always
being the strong one, is thatthere is burnout and resentment.
After a while that bitternessstarts to kick on up because
it's just i'm always there foreverybody else.
I can anticipate their needs.
I can tell when they're having abad day.
(11:32):
I can tell when they'reattacking themselves in their
minds.
I can tell when they're beingreally nasty with themselves.
I can tell when they're off.
I pay attention to the peoplearound me, and nobody even
thinks to give me the ounce ofslither of the same thing.
Why does nobody else notice whenI'm about to break down?
(11:54):
Why does nobody else notice mycues when I'm overwhelmed?
Why does nobody check in on meafter a while?
It goes from oh it's okay to,no, I'm tired.
But then if I say no, now I'mmean.
And then when you're burnt outand then you just back away or
(12:15):
you quiet, you leave your groupchats or you're not really
checking in on people instead ofjust being like, oh my God, are
you okay?
What's going on?
It's she may be going throughsomething, but she'll get it
together.
It's okay.
You know, she'll always comeback on top.
Don't worry about her, thatattitude instead of the first
one.
Are you okay?
That's all we as strong peoplewant.
(12:37):
Also, to be quite honest, Idon't wanna be considered strong
because when you label a blackwoman, strong people don't
humanize us anymore.
They dehumanize us at that pointbecause we're super women.
We could just take anything.
You could keep throwing it,throwing it, throwing it at her,
and she's not gonna crumble.
Absolutely not.
And that is society trying tomake us feel that we're not
(12:57):
worthy of softness and we're notworthy of being cared for that
it's our job to take care ofeverybody.
History, like them forcing thateven in the past we've had
community, we all helped eachother, checked on each other
with families and birth and foodand guidance, and that is a
(13:18):
council job.
That's not just a one personjob.
So it's absurd and crazy to knownow in order to justify those
disgusting behaviors that theydo towards black women that.
We're pretty much looked at asoh, she got it together.
She got tough skin.
(13:39):
That's okay.
You don't have to check on her.
She'll be all right.
She could take it.
Oh, she has a high paintolerance.
What?
No.
And then that leads to theemotional invisibility as if we
don't feel as if just womendon't have feelings because.
(14:00):
We've always been told, andhonestly, the societal
expectation is to take care ofeverybody, is to be nurturing,
is to show up all the time andbe there for everybody else.
And even the phrase of treatothers like you want to be
treated.
But then that goes back toresentment, burnout, because you
keep giving and ain't nobodygiving the same level you
(14:20):
giving.
So then that phrase starts tolook a little different.
It's no, I don't wanna keepgiving.
Why keep giving into an endlesspit that all they do is take but
never replenish me?
I'm not endless.
And you're not endless either.
So going back to emotionalinvisibility.
Yeah, this is my little blankie.
(14:40):
It's comfortable.
It's from my mom.
Going back to emotionalvisibility.
Yeah.
Now nobody sees it.
Everybody acts like your pain'snot there.
Like it's right in the face.
You're not talking as much.
You're withdrawing, you arekeeping to yourself.
You're not contributing as much.
You're just not doing all thethings you usually would do in
(15:02):
situations, and nobody isthinking to check on you because
they just assume you'll get ittogether.
You always have it together, sothis will be no different
instead of just, it takes justone person to check on you.
It just takes about fiveminutes.
If so, yeah, it just, yeah, soemotional invisibility is hard.
(15:22):
The also us being, going backto, like I said, we're meant to
be nurturers carers, and that'sthe identity wrapped up in
ourselves.
We're taught that from a youngage.
Baby dolls, cabbage patch dolls,oh my God.
Showing age, but you know,wanting to be family.
You wanna be a wife.
That is your goal in life, tocare for your husband, your
(15:44):
significant other, whatever youlove, like that is your goal to
pretty much take care of yoursignificant other and children
for the rest of your life.
And then you will have ascendedinto being an amazing, decent
person because that is thepurpose of woman reproduce and
care for others.
And don't think about yourselfbecause that's selfish.
(16:05):
You weren't put on this earth tojust think about you.
It is asinine.
It's just so crazy to me.
But we've all gotten that andthen we all end up becoming
fixers.
You can't fix nobody Thatdoesn't wanna be fixed.
We're not here to fix nobody.
Everybody is responsible forthemselves.
We are not here to make somebodybe more accountable, to make
(16:28):
them more reliable, to make themmore dependable, to make them be
the person that you need.
People don't need fixing becausewhen you try and fix they rebel.
People gotta believe that theywanna change something.
It's not your job to change.
Nobody Save nobody Fix nobody.
(16:48):
If they wanted to, they would.
Especially with you.
Lying.
Lying all the, pretty muchputting out all the resources
out for them and they don't wantto because why?
Take that up when I could justgo to you just saying.
Just saying.
So we need to.
Let that go and release that.
(17:09):
And for us as women of color,that's in us really deeply
because even in today messagesonline, social media or
whatever, it's still oh, youneed to be there for black men,
or We need to show up for thisperson or this group and this
ethnic or, ethnic group, thisdemographic.
And, but nobody shows the samething to us.
(17:29):
So it's crazy that finally weare giving ourselves permission
to rest now, and everybody'supset about that.
Or some people just feel thatit's selfish.
Nobody wants to be the strongone no more.
And that's okay.
That's a movement.
I don't wanna be strong, I wannabe soft, I wanna be held, I
wanna be seen, I wanna be heard.
(17:50):
And that's okay.
I feel that I get that 100%.
So let's be seen.
Let's be heard.
But when we're not.
It drains us always being takenfrom just always being take,
take, take, take, take.
There's no space for anybodyelse when you're at your
capacity, at your load, andthat's understandable.
(18:14):
So don't force it.
Do not force yourself to workfrom an empty cup.
What are you giving?
Smoke and air.
Smoke and mirrors.
I don't know.
You're a magician.
I guess at this point, bump thatwe're not doing that.
Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.
We're not doing that no more.
So there's no need to be thestrong one.
You do deserve that.
You deserve to be light and airyand feminine.
(18:37):
As we've mentioned in ourprevious sessions, you deserve
that.
You deserve vulnerability, youdeserve softness, you deserve
rest.
That is not something you haveto earn.
And if we are earning based onmerits, you damn well already
did it.
Then you have it already.
What more are you about to give?
(18:57):
Don't sacrifice your wholebeing.
For people who wouldn't eventhink to sacrifice the shirt off
their back for you.
I'm just saying, so how do werecognize Shay when we're just
doing too much baby?
Emma doing too much?
Yes.
You all heard that song becausePaula was doing too much in that
song and you're doing too muchin life as well.
(19:19):
You aren't doing too much if youfind that you are irritable.
Just at the mention of somebodycoming to you with a problem or
seeing that person's name comeup on your phone or shoot, just
even seeing something inrelevance to it.
If somebody brings up theirname, you're tired, you're burnt
out.
If you're exhaustion, you're sofatigued.
(19:41):
Whether that's physically,mentally, spiritually, like you
just don't have the energy, thespace, nor the capacity for
nobody.
You're just tired.
And then.
The feeling of guilt.
Guilt for wanting to rest, guiltfor even thinking that, oh, I
(20:02):
think I should lay down rightnow because it's been demonized.
Rest has been demonized for solong to the strong one.
How do you get to rest?
You don't get to rest.
That's not what you do.
That's not a part of you.
That's crazy.
I think it's crazy, but when youfeel irritable.
(20:23):
Exhausted and guilty.
It's time to look deeper.
What's making me feel irritable?
What is disturbing my peace?
What is making it so hard for meto lay down at night and shut
off my mind?
What is it that no matter howmuch, even if I get sleep, I
wake up and I'm still tired asif I didn't get an ounce of
(20:45):
sleep prior?
How, where and why?
Boo, you deserve rest.
That's all.
Just be gentle at yourself isall I'm gonna say right now.
Self-compassion.
And I do wanna give you guys ajournal prompt because hey,
(21:05):
that's me.
I love for us to write andself-reflect because
self-reflection is empowering.
And the more you know aboutyourself, the more you can
manage and attune to differentsituations that come into your
life because.
There's nothing more powerfulthan you knowing more about you
knowing exactly how you work.
That's how you could prevent alot of things.
Honestly.
That's how you manage life whenpeople are not there for you.
(21:30):
When people wanna label youstrong and dehumanize you and
see you other than just a personknow you, because now you know
how to be there for you and howto comfort yourself and how to
teach others to comfort you.
How can you.
I expect people to show up foryou if you're not showing up for
(21:51):
you right now.
So let's take this time for ajournal prompt.
Where do I feel emotionallyoverextended right now?
Where do we feel that at thismoment?
So think about that.
That'll be, you're a minihomework.
But yeah, where do I feelemotionally overextended right
(22:11):
now?
And be curious with yourselfwhen you start identifying these
things.
Go deeper.
Why do I feel exhausted though?
What is it about this area thatis pulling me, that I feel that
I'm pulled in differentdirections?
Where do I feel misaligned?
Where do I feel that I'm notenough Here?
Where do I feel the guilt andwhy do I feel the guilt for
(22:32):
rest?
Be curious with yourself.
Don't attack yourself whileyou're doing the journal prompt.
That would be counterproductive.
So I do want you guys to thinkabout that.
And then after that, think aboutwhere am I allowed to fall
apart?
(22:53):
Whoa, fall apart, miss, ma'am, Ican't do that.
Falling apart is a no-no.
Falling apart is not allowed.
Falling apart is no, no, no, no,no, no, no, no, no.
We can't do that.
If I fall apart, you're afraidyou won't get back up because
you haven't allowed yourself tobe there.
(23:16):
Give yourself permission to fallapart.
Give yourself permission tocrack.
Give yourself permission to layit out.
Release.
If you are not releasing, whereare all these feelings going?
They just stay within you, andyou keep building it up and
penting it up and penting it upand penting it up, and you can't
(23:37):
hold no more.
You're drowning.
So give yourself permission tofall apart.
Where can I fall apart?
Where am I allowed to fallapart?
Take some time for that becauseyou truly do, but you do deserve
that.
You deserve that time.
(24:01):
So I also want us to re-authorbecause I'm a therapist.
I love narrative stuff.
I love us empowering ourselvesby reclaiming the narrative of
ourselves.
Instead of letting others tellus who we are and what we do.
We tell ourselves it.
We take back our narrative.
I don't have to accept anybodyelse's narrative of me, just as
(24:23):
you don't have to acceptnobody's narrative of you.
But in order for us to releasesociety's expectation, family
expectation, partner'sexpectations, friends
expectations, we have to diginside of ourselves.
If I no longer wanna be thestrong one, what do I do?
Who do I want to be known as?
And that's up to you.
(24:43):
But first, we gotta let go ofperfectionism crazy.
'cause I started this saying howperfectionist I am.
But look, I'm doing today.
This way instead of the way Iimagined my first video podcast
being, and it's okay.
I am having a vibe.
I'm having a good time, and overtime we will, get to where we
(25:04):
need to.
Same thing for you, let go ofthe perfectionism because when
we let go of perfectionism, webecome more human.
If we keep making.
Well, taking on the identitythat I'm perfect or I need to be
perfect or need, or this, that,whatever.
With perfectionism, if you keeptaking on that word, it's gonna
be really hard for you tohumanize yourself.
(25:26):
You're not looking at yourselfas a human, as just a woman,
just a being let go ofperfectionism that leads us to
failure.
Nothing in life is perfect.
Be happy with yourself.
Of course, if there's things youwanna change, that is perfectly
fine, but stop moving thegoalpost.
Stop it.
(25:48):
Okay?
Give yourself permission toreceive.
Isn't that crazy?
When we're too busy being thestrong one, we think we always
have to give to everybody else,but we gotta be open to
receiving sometimes.
Being the strong run has made itreally hard for us.
To accept help.
(26:11):
Yeah.
You already thinking about atime that you already told
people numerous times?
No.
When you really should have saidyes.
When people offer, allow them tohelp, you are allowed to
receive.
If you're not open to receiving,you're going to always have the
door shut.
The door will never open foryou.
You'll never see relief, but beopen to receiving somebody
(26:34):
else's gift.
Be open to receiving somebodyelse's words.
Be open to receiving.
In general when you have areceiving spirit atmosphere
about you mindset, so manythings will come to you, and
then you can release thispersonification that you need to
struggle in order to reap thebenefits of a life, you do not
(26:54):
need to struggle to achieve.
Softness, release,perfectionism, release.
Not giving yourself permissionto receive, release it.
This is crazy.
But yes, just release it andrebuild that identity outside of
being the one who holds it, whoare you?
(27:17):
Outside of that, if you tookthat narrative away from
yourself, that role in yourfamily relationship or
friendships, then what is yourrole?
Who are you without it?
'cause sometimes, despite how.
It hurts us to be the strongone.
We hold onto it because we feelthat's what brings value or how
(27:37):
we bring value to a relationshipbecause we're able to weather
every storm.
But I'm not trying to weather ahurricane.
I'm not trying to be outside.
I'm trying to be inside.
I'm not trying to fight atornado.
What do you look like?
Throwing hands with air.
Doesn't it look ridiculous?
Because it is ridiculous.
(27:57):
There is more to you than justbeing the strong one.
There's more than you just beingthe one who can hold it all.
There's more to you.
Yes you can.
You are great with problemsolving.
That's a beautiful thing.
But there's more to you thanbeing a project manager of your
family.
(28:18):
There's more to it.
You don't need to do that.
Humanize yourself.
Who are you?
You're creative.
You're animated, you're funnyyou're adventurous.
You bring experiences to yourfamily.
There's just so many more thingsyou can do than to hold your
family's trauma.
I so much more.
(28:40):
So much more.
Yes.
And then of course that leads usback to boundaries.
I don't know how many times Igotta talk about it with y'all,
but I'm gonna keep bringing itup because it feels like it's
always reoccurring because whenit comes to being the strong
one, we are not having reallygood boundaries.
They're either too loose orthey're too tight.
(29:02):
When you're not receiving,that's a tight boundary nobody
can get through.
When you're letting everybodyjust dump things on you, that's
a loose boundary.
You just letting everybody inthem on the end, and that's when
that's a no go.
We need to have moderation.
Not everything can come in, butnot everything can come, out.
Like it's just, it's the sameway.
Okay.
(29:25):
Boundaries.
So some things for emotionalboundaries, like if you just
don't have the capacity forsomebody, whether it's friend,
partner, or loved one, you canjust say, I wanna support you,
but I'm also feeling drained.
Can we check in later?
Something like that works too.
(29:46):
This is how we protect our heartbecause we just genuinely don't
have the space to take insomebody else's conflict.
Right now.
Somebody else's hurt their pain.
We just don't have it in us.
And I say that as somebody whois a therapist because my job is
to hold space for people, but Itoo am human and sometimes I
(30:08):
don't have it.
Sometimes a session's gotta becut short.
Sometimes I gotta cancel.
Sometimes I gotta cry in betweena session.
Sometimes I need to just vent.
Sometimes I need to play a gamejust to decompress.
You gotta be in tune withyourself.
(30:28):
It's okay to tell somebody no,to give you space and say yes to
you.
So again, if you need help withemotional boundary script.
It's okay to acknowledge thatyou wanna be there for somebody,
and then also acknowledge thatunfortunately at this time you
don't have the space for them,but that later, if y'all could
(30:49):
check back in, you'll have it.
And if your friends, yourpartner, or your family don't
understand that, well, we aboutto train them so they can
understand it.
And if they're not willing tounderstand, they'll never
understand.
And that's where you put in moreboundaries.
Because if somebody's notwilling to understand you or
want to get to know you, theynever will, and they'll always
(31:10):
just wanna take from you backaway.
Build your discernment.
We wanna build reciprocalrelationships.
I wanna be there for you, and Iwant you to be there for me.
For you.
Give me space.
I give you space.
I respect that because you needconsent.
Your friends need consent beforethey just dump the world on you.
Everybody honestly needs consentbefore they dump the world on
(31:32):
you.
There's not no open sign.
There's not no, hey dumpwhenever 24 7.
No, absolutely not.
We build healthy, reciprocalconnections when people who
understand us, see us, feel us,are attuned to us too, that
check in, Hey, I have somethingon my heart I wanted to check
(31:56):
in.
Do you have room for me today?
How's your heart space lookinglike?
Because girl, it's been a dayfor me.
And at first, when you're notused to this, you and your
friends or whoever you're doingthis with, may feel sad, may
feel hurt because you're notused to you saying no at this
time.
And that's okay.
(32:17):
But we have to be used tositting there with that
discomfort.
We have to be okay with that.
To a degree we can't.
And that takes time.
I'm gonna stop right therebecause it just takes time.
We are training each other onhow to love ourselves, love each
other accordingly, and supportone another.
And this is also releasing youfrom the role that you are the
(32:39):
strong one.
I say this as someone who haspracticed this with one of my
best friends.
We have been through a lot ofstuff in the past year, and our
friendship has changeddramatically.
But if there's one thing forsure.
She's learned to check in ifit's okay to vent to me, just
because of the emotional toilthat it took on me that she kept
(33:06):
coming and coming to me becauseI though she respects and loves,
my insight and my thoughts.
I did feel she was using mytitle as a therapist to forget
that I'm also human inside andthat I'm your friend.
I'm a person.
I'm not talking to you as atherapist.
I'm coming to you, I'm talkingto you as a friend, but you're
(33:27):
seeing this as a therapysession, and that's unfair to
me, especially when I don't haveto respond to you as I would my
clients.
I, I don't have to hold spacefor you if I don't want to.
I didn't consent to you toalways dumping on me and then
you never making any changesbecause we talked about that
(33:47):
too.
There's a difference betweenventing and complaining as soon
as you start complaining.
'cause after the third time, andyou talking about this with me
and you haven't made any effortsto change anything, you're just
complaining and you're suckingme dry, and that's a no hope for
me.
But with that friend, sheunderstands now she has to check
in on me because I am still toohealing from that.
(34:08):
And it's okay as a strong one.
To be healing from the emotionaltoil and emotional burnt out.
The emotional labor people haveput on you for the years, they
gotta check in with you.
We ain't open 24 7.
And that's a okay.
And just going back to ourprevious session, vulnerability
is a strength.
We talked about that.
(34:29):
This is when you have to bevulnerable.
This is when you gotta speak upfor yourself, advocate for
yourself, and if somebody wantsto receive you, they will.
And if somebody just out oftheir way, don't want to.
Then we gotta learn to cut themout or lessen our time with
them.
Because right now, as the strongone, when we don't wanna be
strong no more, we gottapractice vulnerability, we gotta
(34:50):
practice it.
We gotta practice being softerwith ourselves because we
deserve softness, we deserve it.
So with that being said, I'mgoing to come to a close and an
affirmation I have for you guys,I'm gonna look at it.
Okay.
I release the need to hold itall.
(35:12):
I'm allowed to receive love,care, and rest.
Say it again with me.
I release the need to hold itall.
I'm allowed to receive love,care, and rest.
Because you truly do.
Beautiful.
You deserve it so much.
Stop allowing others to takefrom you and start allowing
(35:35):
yourself to fall apart.
Get back up, take care ofyourself, rest, because rest is
not something you earn.
It's something you deserve.
If this hits you today and youneeded to hear that word,
awesome, I'm so happy that Icould help you with this.
(35:56):
If you feel this is somethingthat maybe you're like, oh, my
friend needs to hear this.
I've been telling her to let go.
Go ahead and send it to her.
Come my way.
So I'm also going to put ourjournal prompt that I mentioned
earlier in the episode.
But as always, I will be puttingthese reflective thoughts on the
ig.
(36:17):
So follow me at Shift happenswith Shay if you're not already
doing so.
I'm at YouTube.
Shift happens with Shay,Instagram Shift happens with
Shay.
And if you are looking for aprofessional link up with me,
you can definitely follow me.
At Shantanique Moore King onlinkedin.com.
Okay.
If you would like to work withme, whether that is in a therapy
(36:38):
or I guess coaching aspect orwhatnot just reach out.
You can honestly look up my nameand you'll see the company I
work for.
I'm not gonna give'em a plug, byall means No, but you can find
me and begin work with me thatway.
But, yeah, so ig I'm also doingsome cute little Pinterest and
whatnot.
(36:58):
Yay.
But yeah, so the journal prompt,it's going to be on ig, interact
with me on there and we'll getinto it and talk about our
feelings.
I definitely want us to keepbuilding this community so that
we can keep sipping and shiftingwith each other.
Woohoo.
Also, I am making progress on myshop.
Like I mentioned to you guys,rose in shift.
I know you guys wanna know themeaning behind that, but.
(37:21):
We'll get there.
We'll get there.
Okay.
Once I launched a website, I'lltell you guys to go over there
and read all about it.
Gimme your thoughts, but I'mreally excited because the
products that I'm going to begiving out, I think they're
gonna be really great on yourhealing journey, especially for
those of us who are coming fromvery traumatic backgrounds of
not knowing how to be soft andnot allowing ourselves to rest
(37:43):
and let go to being thisimpenetrable.
Wall when that's not who we everwere.
This is going to allow ourselvesto reconnect with our bodies,
and I'm using the power of scentto do so.
So a lot of my items will belike shower steamers, red
diffusers, car diffusers,possibly room sprays bath salts,
(38:04):
because I want us to getreintegrated with ourselves to
being a safe space again forourselves.
If you can't designate yourselfas a safe space, it's gonna be
very difficult for you to dothat with other people.
Okay?
I'm so excited about bringingthat to you guys.
I hope you love today.
I love you guys.
I enjoyed this.
(38:24):
I'll probably maybe get thistogether.
If not, this is just what we'regonna be doing.
But knowing me, I'm gonna gofind a way.
But anyways, I adore you.
I love you guys.
Keep shifting'cause you deserveit.
We're gonna thrive through whatwe go through and I love you.
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