January 19, 2025 • 37 mins
In this episode, we’re diving deep into the art of setting boundaries and reclaiming your peace through the power of saying no. Learn why “no” is not just a word—it’s a complete sentence and a vital tool for self-care. I’ll share practical tips on how to say no with confidence, handle the guilt that often comes with it, and build stronger, healthier relationships by honoring your own needs. Tune in and discover how embracing the power of no can create space for the life you truly deserve.
Continue the conversation with Shay on her Instagram, Facebook page, website, and linkedIn! You can also email Shay at shifthappenswithshay@gmail.com if you are looking for insight about your life, send your stories, or request topics you would like to address.
Please note this podcast is not a substitution for therapy, if you require assistance with exploring trauma, deeper relationship issues, or more please reach out to establish care.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hey there, and welcome to ShiftHappens with Shea.
I'm Shea, your host and licensedmarriage and family therapist.
This podcast is where we diveinto all the shift life throws
our way, whether it'srelationships, mental health,
personal growth, or justfiguring out this crazy journey
of adulting.
Here, we're all about honestconversation, real stories, and
a whole lot of laughs as wetackle life's challenges
(00:22):
together.
This is your space to grow,explore, and feel seen.
So grab a cozy spot, maybe a cupof coffee or a wine, and let's
get ready to shift through itall.
Thanks for tuning in, andremember, no matter what life
brings us, we're in thistogether.
Welcome back everybody.
Are you ready for anothersession with your girl Shay?
(00:43):
Cause I'm ready to sip and shiftwith you.
So if you're driving, I guesssip that lovely Stanley cup you
got.
If you're at home or just in aplace where you're sitting down
listening yeah, let's go aheadand get into session.
Let's get cozy with each other,checking in.
How are you guys doing?
(01:03):
I hope the past two weeks havebeen wonderful.
I hope they haven't been tooeventful.
And if it has hopefully in apositive light, we are now in
the new year.
I mean, well, last podcast, wewere in the new year, but we're
in the new year.
We're now like two, three weeksinto 2025.
I hope you guys have been ableto start your goalposts, vision
(01:26):
boards, Pinterest, and kind of,you know, get into it.
I hope for some of my RPPs, myrecovering people pleasers.
I hope on your goal for 2025that boundaries are on there,
which is what we're doing today.
We're talking about the power ofno.
(01:47):
Yes.
The power of saying no.
So, I mean, have you guys everfelt overwhelmed because you
just couldn't say no?
Well, I hope not.
But if so, I mean, some of ushave all had those kinds of
moments.
If we have, then today's theperfect episode for you.
This is the perfect sessionbecause we're going to dive into
why this is powerful.
(02:07):
Being able to say no.
We're gonna we're gonna diveinto why it's so hard and You
know how it can transform yourlife I often actually have not
really had an issue saying noand Hmm, I'd say that in kind of
(02:29):
my day to day life Maybe inrelationships.
I can be very appeasing,agreeable as people like to use
that word.
So yeah, like in relationships,you can be very agreeable.
So sometimes it's hard to say nobecause you're afraid of shame
or rejection or abandonment.
Maybe also in the workplace, Ifind it that saying no angers a
(02:53):
lot of people.
It can be very uncomfortable andyou could feel like you're a
target.
I would say, I guess for me,saying no is just so powerful
now it's just second, it'ssecond nature.
I'm off rip going to tell you noif I'm not comfortable with
something, but I think I'vealways kind of just been this
(03:15):
way to be quite honest.
I've never been really go witheverybody's flow.
Yes, we all have peer pressureper se, but I don't feel like
I've ever been peer pressure bymy friends or anybody to do
things or that.
No, it wasn't really respectedin, of course, consensual
(03:36):
settings.
Yeah, so maybe in relationships,definitely be more agreeable,
saying, Yeah, so sure, I want toeat there.
Or, okay, sure, we could go tosee that movie.
Or, yeah, sure, you know, notthat I had anything else planned
to do for myself today.
But yeah, we could do everythingyou want to do.
Being very agreeable, that's nothaving any boundaries in itself
(03:58):
too.
Though it can sound like, Oh,they're being so nice, they love
to do what I do.
No, actually you're not evenconsidering their options, their
opinions.
You're not even paying attentionto their tone and how they are
actually responding.
You just hear a yes and you'rerunning with it.
And for the people who are soused to saying yes or hesitant
(04:19):
to say no, say no.
It's okay.
It is a okay.
So like I mentioned, we're goingto get into why it's hard for
women to say no, how saying nois the key to setting healthy
boundaries, and practical tipsfor embracing the power of no in
everyday life.
So of course, being a woman,there's always societal
(04:39):
pressures.
There's always some type ofrequirement, criteria for us,
for why it's not right.
You shouldn't say no because whywould you say no to your
children?
Why should you say no to yourpartner?
Why would you say no to yourboss?
You're meant to be giving,you're meant to be caring and
(05:02):
because we have theseperceptions, some unrealistic
expectations on top of that, butthese perspec perceptions That
of how women are supposed to be.
We're supposed to cater.
Insert Destiny's Child cater toyou.
You know, we've been raised incondition.
Whether that's through music,shows.
(05:23):
You're always seeing a dotinggirlfriend, wife.
However they may be.
And they are most of the time,people pleasing.
Because why?
What is a woman's worst fear?
Oh my god, a woman's worst fearis being alone.
What?
We could never fathom such athing.
(05:44):
At least the world would have usthink that way.
So, that fear of loneliness isreal though.
You know, we've all, we talkedabout it in our previous
sessions.
Where loneliness, it, it is kindof fearful.
It, it is But you know what?
There's a difference betweenenjoying your presence, you
know, being alone and beinglonely, those are two different
(06:07):
things.
That loneliness is emptiness,whereas being alone and enjoying
my own company.
It's not actually being alone.
It's not being lonely is what Imean.
I don't, you're not feelingempty.
You're not feeling that life ispurposeless.
You're not feeling thisdarkness, this unending, like
never ending feeling of that, Idon't matter, or.
(06:31):
That I need somebody's attentionin order to validate my purpose
and presence in this world So ifthat is you I can understand the
function of why you never say nobut As you continue to always
say yes to other people, yourfear of rejection continues to
take power over you.
Your people pleasing continuesto tell you that you are not
(06:54):
important.
That other people's needs aremore important than yours.
Your guilt will continue tofester.
Also, for those of us who are onthe cusp of getting used to
saying no or starting, this iswhy it's also hard to kind of
stick with it because peopleperceive you as being selfish or
unkind.
(07:16):
So, me incorporating myboundaries, which is an act of
self love, means I'm selfish?
Some people will, because thosepeople who are used to you
always saying yes and takingadvantage of you, do not like to
see you standing up foryourself.
Boundaries for them can be arejection, or it can be a hurt
(07:36):
to their ego that they no longerhave a sense of power over you.
More innocently, though.
Some people are just not used tohearing you say no and
advocating for yourself.
So they do take it personal.
And as I mentioned, homeostasiswith family and the last
session, same thing here.
People who are used to yousaying yes and being a yes man
(07:59):
all the time are going to pushback.
They are going to be like, Oh myGod, you're being so selfish.
You're being unreasonable.
Why are you being so mean?
And.
Some of this may hurt becauseyou're hearing it from loved
ones and you yourself don't wantto be perceived as a mean or
selfish person, but it's okay.
(08:22):
It's okay.
That mind don't matter, andthose that matter don't mind.
Why is it a problem that youwant to be selfish for yourself
for the first time and do thingsfor yourself?
If anything, you're educatingthese people on how to treat you
moving forward.
And also, as we continue peoplepleasing, like these tendencies,
(08:43):
they lead to burnout.
You mask so much.
There's so much you are takingon your plate.
on your heart, at home, as youthink about all the things you
want to do.
You think about a mom who signsup for every single event that's
on the calendar because the meanPSA moms are just like, well,
you know, Kaylee, she can dothis.
(09:03):
Kaylee, can you go help us withthat?
Oh, and how about this?
Oh, Bridget was supposed to pickthat up, but can you pick that
up at 4 30?
Oh, but you know, I, I alreadyhave things to do with Tanya,
like at four o'clock.
I guess, I mean, I guess I don'tknow who else will be doing it
because the event is just, oh, Iguess we'll just have to bear
without it.
And then it's, don't worry, Ican do it.
(09:25):
No, no worries.
I'll go ahead knowing that youdon't have the time.
You haven't eaten probably.
That's a burnout that also canlead to resentment.
And also for your loved ones,hurts to watch you go through
that.
It hurts to see our loved onestaking advantage that way.
So let's take a moment to pausereal quick because we talked a
(09:47):
good little bit about why thisis hard.
Some pressures that we have andtroubles of saying no.
When was the last time you saidyes to something you didn't want
to do?
How did it make you feel?
Just, just a question.
I will post this on theInstagram as well, because I
would love to see someinteractions.
(10:09):
Thank you to those who didinteract with me in the last
session about thinking about arelationship, you know, that was
really hard for you.
And what did you learn from it?
Some of you have really, youknow, reached out to me, and I
got some insight on yourpersonal lives, and thank you
for being vulnerable with me.
And again, thank you forallowing me to be vulnerable
with you in that previous one.
(10:30):
But yeah, focusing back on thisquestion for this session, when
was the last time you said yesto something you didn't want to
do?
How did it make you feel?
Typically, when we say yes tosomething that we're resistant
to, adverse to, some of us feelicky.
We feel pretty vulnerable.
Gross.
(10:51):
We feel like there's a pit inour stomach.
We feel dread.
It's an awful feeling, to bequite honest.
When you go against yourself andwhat you truly want for you and
what's best for you, it doesn'tfeel good because you feel out
of alignment with yourself.
Remember when we talked about,you know, that disconnection.
(11:13):
When you keep saying yes toother people is another thread
you are cutting with yourself.
And frankly, that's not fair toyou.
So it is important to say no.
It's important to reclaim yourtime and your energy.
Saying no helps you createspaces for your priorities, for
(11:35):
things that are actuallyimportant to you, the things you
want to get done, your goals.
You know, sometimes your goalsare not going to fit for
somebody else's vision, andthat's okay.
They're not meant to.
They're meant to fit yourvisions.
They're for you, to help yourlivelihood become more abundant,
you know, limitless.
Your priorities are for you.
(11:57):
Your self care, your personalgrowth.
Reclaim your time.
Time is literally the onlycurrency that's not refundable.
You can get money back, but younever can get your time or
energy back.
Granted, energy is always, youknow, being exchanged, never
destroyed.
You know what I'm saying.
(12:17):
Reclaim your time.
Your time is not, it's notrefundable.
Be intentional with it.
You're allowed to take space foryourself.
You're allowed to pamperyourself.
You're allowed to engage andinvest your time in skills that
you want for yourself.
Vacations you want for yourself.
Retreats you want for yourself.
(12:40):
Fitness goals.
All of that, yeah, you'll haveto say no to people sometimes
because you don't have the time.
Or it does not align with whatyou're trying to do for
yourself.
It's important to reclaim yourtime and energy.
And when you reclaim your timeand energy, you are protecting
your mental health.
When you are feeling overwhelmedand you overcommit, feelings of
(13:03):
resentment, stress, and burnoutcontinue to fester.
Remember I mentioned that.
Resentment.
You are going to start feelingbitter and upset, frustrated,
annoyed, irritable.
Vulnerable, victimized, all ofthese kind of nasty feelings.
Well, no feeling is kind of,yeah, I guess nasty, but there's
(13:26):
no such thing as a bad feelings.
These are your yellow lights,possibly some of you guys, your
red lights.
And when I think of emotions,when they're like this, your
green lights are the emotionsthat are like, yeah, let's go,
let's go do this.
Your yellow lights are kind of alet's slow down kind of
emotions.
And then your red lights arestop, pause, think.
(13:46):
What are we about to do?
What are we about to say?
What is causing this feeling?
Because when I get to thisfeeling, XYZ behavior comes out
of me, and I don't want that.
So, think about that.
You overcommit those feelings.
Like I mentioned, resentmentbeing a top one.
It's, it's hard.
It actually makes it harder foryou to be around these people
(14:08):
because the more and more youdon't speak for yourself, The
more you suppress, the moreangry you get, and it starts to
show in other ways.
You might become a little bitmore nasty.
You might actually becomephysically sick.
It will manifest in differentways and show.
Burnout, then you don't evenhave it in you to continue on,
but you're trying to get out ofbed.
(14:30):
And then you're made to feelguilty because you got sick from
over committing and didn't getany rest and everybody's like,
Oh my God, you're letting usdown.
And now you feel guilty.
And now you feel stressedbecause you can't be there for
an event.
Protect your mental health.
It's very important.
When we learn to say no, notonly are we protecting our
(14:52):
mental health, but you actuallyare strengthening your
relationships.
Crazy.
What do you mean, Shay?
I'm afraid that if I say no, I'mgoing to lose the person.
I'm afraid they're going to getangry at me.
Wait, wait, wait.
But boundaries create healthierand more authentic
relationships.
Do you know the more you mask,the more you are taking away
(15:12):
opportunities for that person toget to know who you truly are?
Get to know what matters to you.
Gets to know what you stand for.
Why rob them of that opportunityand yourself of that
opportunity?
And I get it, fear of losingsomebody, but if they can't
respect who you are, why wouldwe want that person in our life?
(15:34):
You need people in your lifethat are going to respect you
for who you truly are.
That's going to uplift you,that's going to hold you
accountable, of course.
Those are the people you want tobe around.
But boundaries foster betterrelationships because this is
how we teach others how to treatus.
When you tell me your green,red, yellow lights, I know what
(15:58):
is the danger zone in ourrelationship.
I know it is highly offensive.
I know not to go below the beltin our arguments.
Because certain things are just,they're just what we shouldn't
do.
These are certain limits weshouldn't engage in with our
best friends.
Like, or people in general.
I mean with my best friend, myaudience.
I know certain things.
(16:21):
And of course we share a lotwith each other.
I mean, over 10 years of afriendship, I mean, you would
think so, right?
But what I'm saying is like, Iknow things about her that maybe
other people don't.
And I know anytime that we haveargued or whatnot, yes.
Could I be very petty andaggressive and use some of those
things?
Which is technically calledunfair fighting, guys.
(16:43):
Those cross boundaries becauseShe's already told me not to
throw things in her face, orvulnerability is hard for her,
or that, you know, it's taken alot to even get to this point to
even speak about whatever x, y,and z.
So it's actually a betrayal.
And I wouldn't know those thingsare betrayals if we hadn't
(17:05):
spoken about it, or if shedidn't set her boundaries with
me.
Now that I know her boundaries,I know how to act accordingly.
I know how to communicate moreeffectively with her.
I know, you know, pretty muchhow our friendship dynamic
continues to be as wonderful andhappy as it is.
And we are able to be our mostauthentic selves with each
(17:27):
other.
It is important and itstrengthens our relationship.
Like I said, over 10 years.
Crazy.
But yeah, when you say no,you're saying yes to what truly
matters.
Remember that.
When you say no, you're sayingyes to what truly matters.
Take some time with that, okay?
(17:48):
Gonna give you that time.
Okay, time, let's get it.
So how am I going to embracethis new superpower?
Well, we have to start withreframing our mindset because
people pleasing, you're taughtthat.
I don't know if you may have hadparents.
(18:10):
Who were people pleasers and yousaw them being super duper
agreeable, never saying no,overcommitting themselves?
Maybe, possibly, that sometimescould be for some of us.
Or maybe you had emotionallyimmature parents who sought you
for comfort instead of givingyou the comfort as a child.
So you were brought up toappease them, walk on eggshells,
(18:33):
consider their needs more thanyour needs because that's how
you were trained.
You were raised that way.
But we're going to take thistime to reframe your mindset.
Saying no doesn't make youselfish, ungrateful,
unappreciative.
It makes you intentional.
(18:53):
Be intentional with your timeand your energy.
Your time is worthy.
You are worth the time.
Give it to yourself.
Saying no is an act of selfrespect.
You are worthy of respect.
So we have to get out of this.
(19:14):
You're not selfish.
You're not being a burden.
You're not unappreciative.
You are intentional.
You are purposeful.
You respect yourself.
You're prioritizing your needsbecause they matter.
And it is important for you tobe connected with yourself and
understand your own values andbeliefs to be able to stand on a
(19:37):
strong foundation of self.
It's important.
When it comes to you startingoff saying no, I'm not telling
you to, no, no, no, no, no, no,okay.
I'm not telling you to just getout here and do that, because
for some people that's reallyuncomfortable.
And I get that.
Some of my clients in my sessionstart to get nervous.
(19:58):
They start playing with theirhands, playing with their hair.
My favorite is the nervouslaughter.
Yeah, say no.
I get it.
It's uncomfortable becauseyou're not used to it.
And because if you say no,sometimes we feel that it's
going to put us in danger.
i.
e.
us as women when we're aroundmen.
We'd rather take the bear thanthe man because some of us have
(20:20):
had experiences where we're inthe club or just walking,
whatever, just existing andbeing the wonderful beings we
are that when we say no, we getcursed out.
We get called out of our names.
We are feared that our safety isin jeopardy.
I will say, as an aside, If thatis the experience that you're
(20:41):
having, I understand why sayingno is a safety concern.
Please take your safety intoconcern, especially if you're by
yourself.
Do what you feel is necessary tokeep yourself safe.
I understand that.
I have experienced those things.
I no longer go to certain areasanymore to pretty much lessen my
(21:02):
chance of encountering peoplelike that.
I also don't travel by myselfabsolutely not.
That's why I have my girlfriendswith me.
Yeah.
Going back to our tips of sayingno, you can use polite yet firm
language.
I appreciate you thinking of me,but I can't commit to this right
now.
That's polite.
That's nice.
(21:22):
That's not you coming aftersomebody's neck.
People who really don't care,and I'm not used to saying no or
possibly entitled, they're gonnafeel offended regardless, no
matter whatever.
But that's polite and that'sfirm.
It's assertive.
I'm telling you my feelings.
I appreciate you thinking of meand I'm telling you the
situation, but I can't commit tothis right now.
(21:44):
Assertive communication.
We're always going to preachthat here.
Another one.
I'd love to help, but I need toprioritize my other
responsibilities.
Some people might feel rejected.
But then you guys can have anadult conversation and let them
know this has nothing to do withyou.
I don't want you to feelrejected.
(22:04):
I don't want you to feel thatI'm abandoning you.
I just am prioritizing myselfright now because I really do
have a lot on my plate.
And when I feel more relieved, Iwill be able to help you when I
have the time.
I definitely have never left youhigh and dry before, so why
would I do it now?
I just have to prioritizemyself.
(22:25):
You know, you have those, havethose conversations.
But again, I'd love to help, butI need to prioritize my other
responsibility.
Polite and firm.
I love an assertive queen.
Buy time if you're unsure.
The maybes?
I hear you.
Here you go.
Let me think about it and getback to you.
Mhmm.
See?
(22:45):
It's not exactly a flat out noif you're not comfortable with
saying no all the way like that.
You get to buy yourself timebecause maybe it is something
that you actually do need tothink about.
Maybe it's something you do needto kind of look at your
calendar, your schedule, talk toyour significant other, your
family, what not.
To really go through the optionsfor yourself.
(23:05):
That's okay.
So, you're fine to tell people,let me think about it and get
back to you.
And you want to practice selfawareness.
Recognize when you feelobligated versus when you
genuinely want to say yes.
Because those feel different.
When I genuinely say yes tosomething, I feel elated, I feel
ecstatic, I just am bouncing offwalls.
(23:28):
Sometimes, depending on whatwe're doing.
Because I really am interestedin what we're doing, or what
we're about to do.
I'm curious.
Even if I'm not bouncing offwalls, curiosity is a good thing
for me too.
That peak feeling.
If you feel curious, and yougenuinely, you know, go for it.
I'm just saying, when yougenuinely say yes or want to say
yes, it is a completely freeingand liberating feeling.
(23:51):
It does no longer feel like achore that you have to be here.
You want to be there.
There's a difference.
You don't have to mask or put ona face to perform for others.
It's not performative.
You truly want to be there.
So recognize when you feelobligated, what does that feel
(24:11):
like?
What does obligation mean to me?
What does it look like?
Do I want to be a person who isalways obligated?
Is that the narrative I'mforming for myself?
And if that is a narrative youare forming and you want to
change it, then ask yourself,how can I be a more genuine
person?
How can I be more authentic tomyself?
(24:33):
And how can these boundaries getme here?
How do my boundaries get me tobeing my most authentic self?
Remember, your boundaries are anact of self love, an act of self
respect.
So think about and recognize thedifference between feeling
obligated versus when yougenuinely want to say yes.
(24:55):
Let's overcome the fear ofsaying no.
I know we mentioned some of thethings such as what if they get
obsessed?
Well, it's not about you.
The reaction's more about them.
Something in your no triggers anemotional response within them.
(25:19):
You are not responsible fortheir feelings or having to
change it.
It's more about you, it's moreabout them more than it will
ever be about you.
Something about that, if they'reupset that you told them, Hey.
Let me think about it and getback to you or I appreciate you
thinking about me, but I can'tcommit to this right now going
(25:40):
back to that example.
And they're just like, Shay, areyou serious right now?
Like I really need you.
Like what, what are you talkingabout?
You'll get back to me or youcan't commit.
I mean, I can't commit rightnow.
I don't have the time and I doappreciate you.
I always appreciate you thinkingof me.
(26:02):
I love being a part of yourlife.
And I love that you want me tobe a part of yours.
It's just sometimes I need totake time for myself.
So I'm not available at thismoment.
That is more about them thanyou.
Because being upset, maybe theyare starting to feel that
feeling of rejection.
Maybe they are feeling that theydid something wrong.
(26:26):
That they've become a burden toyou.
It is eliciting a triggerresponse of some type of
abandonment for them.
That's not your fault.
That is their own reaction.
And that's more about them andthings that they have to seek
within themselves.
Because the real question theyshould be asking is, Why am I
reacting this way?
(26:46):
Shay's always there for me.
Honestly, 99 percent of thetime, She always says yes, and
I'm just like, Girl, do you eversay no?
So why is the one time that Ialways say that I want her to
say no, she's saying no, and I'mupset because I'm not used to
her putting herself first.
I'm not used to her telling meno.
(27:08):
Her no hurts because she's theone person that I always felt I
can count on no matter what.
Because she put me first morethan she put herself first.
You know?
That's about them, not you.
What if you're judged?
Hmm.
Their opinions don't define yourworth.
(27:30):
When did others opinions becomemore important than yours?
I mean, I know it happened along time ago.
Again, with people pleasing.
But the fear of being judged.
You're not meant to beeverybody's cup of tea.
Again.
You're not meant to beeverybody's cup of tea.
And that's okay.
(27:50):
We, we're, we're not accessibleto everybody and we're not
trying to be.
We need to have these walls.
There was a criteria to ridethis ride.
That is you.
You are an experience.
You are one of a kind.
Everybody doesn't get toexperience who you are.
So if they judge you or have anegative opinion of you.
(28:13):
That's them.
They can keep that tothemselves.
Because everybody's gonna have adifferent version of you in
their head.
It's never all the same.
Like, with everybody you meet inyour life.
You will continue to be judged.
My pastor, bless his soul heused to always say, If you don't
have haters, you're not livinglife right.
(28:35):
Because when you're atrailblazer, And you're making
your own path.
There's going to be resistance.
When you start putting you firstand people ain't used to that,
they are going to fight it.
They resist change.
Because they know, they now haveto figure out life without you
being their main source ofrelief.
(28:57):
Not anymore.
They gotta do it.
So let them judge.
If they judge, they're not foryou.
Their opinions do not define whoyou are as a person.
Your values and beliefs do.
The people who love you will behere for you.
They will be curious about whyyou are changing or why you're
starting to say no.
They will understand.
(29:19):
It's okay to have fear, butdon't let it overcome you.
Overcome it.
Build confidence in yourdecision.
Like I mentioned, it isimportant for you to say no.
Boundaries are important becauseit highlights you trusting
yourself.
Let's kind of think when youthink about it, do you trust
(29:41):
yourself?
Every time you say yes tosomebody else, you're not
trusting yourself that you'll beable to overcome if somebody
does get upset.
Overcome if somebody isjudgmental.
Trust yourself that you will befine afterwards.
Trust yourself that the decisionyou are making for yourself is
the right decision for you.
(30:03):
Trust yourself that even if itwasn't the right decision, That
at least you took a chance onyourself and you are worth
taking a chance.
Prioritize yourself.
It is so important that we buildthis trust with ourselves.
It is so important that we takethis time to reconnect with
ourselves.
Because when you're a yes man,you care more about other
(30:26):
people's opinions because youropinion doesn't matter to you
and you can't trust yourdecision making.
That's not right.
You deserve a chance.
So take it.
The more you practice saying no,the easier it becomes.
It really does.
Just like on most things,practice makes perfect.
The more you practice it, theeasier it will be.
And I say that because, like Isaid, now I say that off rip.
(30:49):
No, I don't feel like it.
I'm really tired.
I don't even make reallyexcuses.
I just don't feel like goingout.
I just want to be home in mybed.
I'm not in the mood tosocialize.
It ain't got nothing to do withnobody else.
I'm just tapped out.
That's me prioritizing my needs.
Because my mind is saying, girl,rest.
You've done so much today.
Take time for yourself.
(31:11):
Plan some things.
Me and my friends get it prettymuch to this point that we gotta
plan get togethers.
We gotta plan this out.
Maybe sometimes a week inadvance, maybe two.
And that's okay.
Because a lot of things arehappening in life and everything
isn't about the other person.
Like, you're not the maincharacter in everybody's story.
You're the main character inyour story.
(31:33):
You know?
And so we have to be respectful.
But prioritize your needs.
The more you practice saying no.
The easier it will become.
I promise.
It's okay.
It's going to be all right.
So with that being said, pleasethink about putting yourself
more.
Putting yourself first.
Please think about puttingyourself first.
(31:55):
Think about one area in yourlife where you need to start
saying no.
Is it at PSA meetings?
Is it at your business?
Is it Job, friends,relationship, think about it.
Think of one area in your lifethat no would be so appreciative
(32:18):
in.
And set a small goal.
What's one thing you can say noto this week?
And since this podcast, oursessions are bi weekly sessions.
Think of two things actually.
What are two things, one foreach week?
That you can say no to, try out,and get back to me with those
(32:44):
goals too.
I want a hero, because we are acommunity here.
We are here to encourage oneanother.
We are here to thrive throughwhat we go through.
So, As you're going through thisnew lesson for yourself, you're
going through this new thingbecause boundaries are not for
(33:05):
everybody.
It's not just a, oh my God, itfeels amazing at first.
No, it feels scary.
It feels uncomfortable.
You can feel a tightness inyourself.
And when you feel that, committhough, commit to your no.
And when you're by yourself,breathe.
Remember what we were talkingabout, the square breathing.
How about using that?
Or just take a deep breath,exhale, shake it out, shake the
(33:28):
nerves out.
And remember why you even saidthat no, because I'm putting me
first and I deserve to be putfirst.
Okay.
Awesome.
Share those goals with me onInstagram.
So moving forward, as youcontinue with these boundaries,
(33:49):
and we did mention resilience,get ready to be letting go.
What?
Yes.
What resistance?
Not everything is meant to stayin your life.
Not every person is meant tostay in your life.
We're gonna dive into lettinggo.
Letting go of what no longerserves you.
(34:12):
And no longer serves us.
Because we are moving into a newchapter.
We are embodying the woman weare meant to be.
We are now putting in steps.
putting in, we're starting todefine what she looks like.
She's not a pushover.
She's not an appeaser.
She advocates for herself.
(34:33):
She is strong in her opinions.
She's intelligent.
She's caring.
She is nurturing.
She is loving and she bringslife and she is full of
abundance.
And you can add other things tothat.
But not everything in your lifecurrently is going to support
that growth.
So we're going to dive intoletting go what no longer serves
(34:56):
us.
And that is the end of sessions.
Do we have any concerns?
And if we do send me a messageon Instagram as shift happens
with Shea.
I encourage you to share yourthoughts about this episode on
Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn.
If you are in there or even inyour reviews, I'd appreciate
(35:18):
that too.
So subscribe.
So you are always alerted on thenext session.
We all need appointments to knowwhere we got to go in for a
little dose of Shea.
And I really want to hear fromyou all.
So please subscribe, leave areview talk to me, engage with
me on social media.
Like on those question days,those prompt days, I would be so
(35:41):
happy to hear from you.
I love hearing my thoughts fromyou, hearing your thoughts.
I love hearing your stories andI'm here to tell your story
until you feel strong enough.
Or if there's something you wantto work on and you need some
advice, you know, that you'dwant in an episode, let me know.
And I'll bring it to session andwe'll talk about it.
I'm all for it.
I'm here to serve you guys.
(36:03):
I want to help you in anycapacity So definitely share
your thoughts with me over thereinstagram at shift happens with
shay You can also go to mywebsite at road to snatch.
com You can send me an email atshift happens with shay at
gmail.
com Please send all yourinquiries there if you are not
in on instagram.
(36:23):
I'd love to hear from you orleave comments under the
YouTube, on Spotify, whereveryou are listening to me at.
I would love to get in touchwith all of you.
So yes, please.
And also, besides the smallgoals that I told you for
homework, you know, So tell mein when you're reaching out to
(36:47):
me, how has saying no helpedyou?
I love to hear your stories.
I want to hear that.
I want to hear how saying no inthese past two weeks or even
this starting week, how it ishelping you or how it's been
nerve wracking.
Tell me all those feelings.
I'm here for you.
I want to support you.
Yeah.
So thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you for being here for ourquick little lesson.
(37:08):
So enjoy the rest of your day,setting attention.
Take a deep breath.
Be well.
Inhale and exhale.
You are about to rule the world.
Have a beautiful week, my dears.
Thank you for sitting andsipping with me and thank you
for coming to this session andallowing me to be here with you
and share this space again.
(37:29):
All right.
Love you guys.
Remember, Instagram, ShiftHappens with Shea.
Leave a review, subscribe, sharethe podcast with a loved one or
friend who needs to hear it orjust anybody.
I really adore you guys.
Thank you! Mwah!
Hey there, and welcome to ShiftHappens with Shea.
I'm Shea, your host and licensedmarriage and family therapist.
This podcast is where we diveinto all the shift life throws
our way, whether it'srelationships, mental health,
personal growth, or justfiguring out this crazy journey
of adulting.
Here, we're all about honestconversation, real stories, and
a whole lot of laughs as wetackle life's challenges
(00:22):
together.
This is your space to grow,explore, and feel seen.
So grab a cozy spot, maybe a cupof coffee or a wine, and let's
get ready to shift through itall.
Thanks for tuning in, andremember, no matter what life
brings us, we're in thistogether.
Welcome back everybody.
Are you ready for anothersession with your girl Shay?
(00:43):
Cause I'm ready to sip and shiftwith you.
So if you're driving, I guesssip that lovely Stanley cup you
got.
If you're at home or just in aplace where you're sitting down
listening yeah, let's go aheadand get into session.
Let's get cozy with each other,checking in.
How are you guys doing?
(01:03):
I hope the past two weeks havebeen wonderful.
I hope they haven't been tooeventful.
And if it has hopefully in apositive light, we are now in
the new year.
I mean, well, last podcast, wewere in the new year, but we're
in the new year.
We're now like two, three weeksinto 2025.
I hope you guys have been ableto start your goalposts, vision
(01:26):
boards, Pinterest, and kind of,you know, get into it.
I hope for some of my RPPs, myrecovering people pleasers.
I hope on your goal for 2025that boundaries are on there,
which is what we're doing today.
We're talking about the power ofno.
(01:47):
Yes.
The power of saying no.
So, I mean, have you guys everfelt overwhelmed because you
just couldn't say no?
Well, I hope not.
But if so, I mean, some of ushave all had those kinds of
moments.
If we have, then today's theperfect episode for you.
This is the perfect sessionbecause we're going to dive into
why this is powerful.
(02:07):
Being able to say no.
We're gonna we're gonna diveinto why it's so hard and You
know how it can transform yourlife I often actually have not
really had an issue saying noand Hmm, I'd say that in kind of
(02:29):
my day to day life Maybe inrelationships.
I can be very appeasing,agreeable as people like to use
that word.
So yeah, like in relationships,you can be very agreeable.
So sometimes it's hard to say nobecause you're afraid of shame
or rejection or abandonment.
Maybe also in the workplace, Ifind it that saying no angers a
(02:53):
lot of people.
It can be very uncomfortable andyou could feel like you're a
target.
I would say, I guess for me,saying no is just so powerful
now it's just second, it'ssecond nature.
I'm off rip going to tell you noif I'm not comfortable with
something, but I think I'vealways kind of just been this
(03:15):
way to be quite honest.
I've never been really go witheverybody's flow.
Yes, we all have peer pressureper se, but I don't feel like
I've ever been peer pressure bymy friends or anybody to do
things or that.
No, it wasn't really respectedin, of course, consensual
(03:36):
settings.
Yeah, so maybe in relationships,definitely be more agreeable,
saying, Yeah, so sure, I want toeat there.
Or, okay, sure, we could go tosee that movie.
Or, yeah, sure, you know, notthat I had anything else planned
to do for myself today.
But yeah, we could do everythingyou want to do.
Being very agreeable, that's nothaving any boundaries in itself
(03:58):
too.
Though it can sound like, Oh,they're being so nice, they love
to do what I do.
No, actually you're not evenconsidering their options, their
opinions.
You're not even paying attentionto their tone and how they are
actually responding.
You just hear a yes and you'rerunning with it.
And for the people who are soused to saying yes or hesitant
(04:19):
to say no, say no.
It's okay.
It is a okay.
So like I mentioned, we're goingto get into why it's hard for
women to say no, how saying nois the key to setting healthy
boundaries, and practical tipsfor embracing the power of no in
everyday life.
So of course, being a woman,there's always societal
(04:39):
pressures.
There's always some type ofrequirement, criteria for us,
for why it's not right.
You shouldn't say no because whywould you say no to your
children?
Why should you say no to yourpartner?
Why would you say no to yourboss?
You're meant to be giving,you're meant to be caring and
(05:02):
because we have theseperceptions, some unrealistic
expectations on top of that, butthese perspec perceptions That
of how women are supposed to be.
We're supposed to cater.
Insert Destiny's Child cater toyou.
You know, we've been raised incondition.
Whether that's through music,shows.
(05:23):
You're always seeing a dotinggirlfriend, wife.
However they may be.
And they are most of the time,people pleasing.
Because why?
What is a woman's worst fear?
Oh my god, a woman's worst fearis being alone.
What?
We could never fathom such athing.
(05:44):
At least the world would have usthink that way.
So, that fear of loneliness isreal though.
You know, we've all, we talkedabout it in our previous
sessions.
Where loneliness, it, it is kindof fearful.
It, it is But you know what?
There's a difference betweenenjoying your presence, you
know, being alone and beinglonely, those are two different
(06:07):
things.
That loneliness is emptiness,whereas being alone and enjoying
my own company.
It's not actually being alone.
It's not being lonely is what Imean.
I don't, you're not feelingempty.
You're not feeling that life ispurposeless.
You're not feeling thisdarkness, this unending, like
never ending feeling of that, Idon't matter, or.
(06:31):
That I need somebody's attentionin order to validate my purpose
and presence in this world So ifthat is you I can understand the
function of why you never say nobut As you continue to always
say yes to other people, yourfear of rejection continues to
take power over you.
Your people pleasing continuesto tell you that you are not
(06:54):
important.
That other people's needs aremore important than yours.
Your guilt will continue tofester.
Also, for those of us who are onthe cusp of getting used to
saying no or starting, this iswhy it's also hard to kind of
stick with it because peopleperceive you as being selfish or
unkind.
(07:16):
So, me incorporating myboundaries, which is an act of
self love, means I'm selfish?
Some people will, because thosepeople who are used to you
always saying yes and takingadvantage of you, do not like to
see you standing up foryourself.
Boundaries for them can be arejection, or it can be a hurt
(07:36):
to their ego that they no longerhave a sense of power over you.
More innocently, though.
Some people are just not used tohearing you say no and
advocating for yourself.
So they do take it personal.
And as I mentioned, homeostasiswith family and the last
session, same thing here.
People who are used to yousaying yes and being a yes man
(07:59):
all the time are going to pushback.
They are going to be like, Oh myGod, you're being so selfish.
You're being unreasonable.
Why are you being so mean?
And.
Some of this may hurt becauseyou're hearing it from loved
ones and you yourself don't wantto be perceived as a mean or
selfish person, but it's okay.
(08:22):
It's okay.
That mind don't matter, andthose that matter don't mind.
Why is it a problem that youwant to be selfish for yourself
for the first time and do thingsfor yourself?
If anything, you're educatingthese people on how to treat you
moving forward.
And also, as we continue peoplepleasing, like these tendencies,
(08:43):
they lead to burnout.
You mask so much.
There's so much you are takingon your plate.
on your heart, at home, as youthink about all the things you
want to do.
You think about a mom who signsup for every single event that's
on the calendar because the meanPSA moms are just like, well,
you know, Kaylee, she can dothis.
(09:03):
Kaylee, can you go help us withthat?
Oh, and how about this?
Oh, Bridget was supposed to pickthat up, but can you pick that
up at 4 30?
Oh, but you know, I, I alreadyhave things to do with Tanya,
like at four o'clock.
I guess, I mean, I guess I don'tknow who else will be doing it
because the event is just, oh, Iguess we'll just have to bear
without it.
And then it's, don't worry, Ican do it.
(09:25):
No, no worries.
I'll go ahead knowing that youdon't have the time.
You haven't eaten probably.
That's a burnout that also canlead to resentment.
And also for your loved ones,hurts to watch you go through
that.
It hurts to see our loved onestaking advantage that way.
So let's take a moment to pausereal quick because we talked a
(09:47):
good little bit about why thisis hard.
Some pressures that we have andtroubles of saying no.
When was the last time you saidyes to something you didn't want
to do?
How did it make you feel?
Just, just a question.
I will post this on theInstagram as well, because I
would love to see someinteractions.
(10:09):
Thank you to those who didinteract with me in the last
session about thinking about arelationship, you know, that was
really hard for you.
And what did you learn from it?
Some of you have really, youknow, reached out to me, and I
got some insight on yourpersonal lives, and thank you
for being vulnerable with me.
And again, thank you forallowing me to be vulnerable
with you in that previous one.
(10:30):
But yeah, focusing back on thisquestion for this session, when
was the last time you said yesto something you didn't want to
do?
How did it make you feel?
Typically, when we say yes tosomething that we're resistant
to, adverse to, some of us feelicky.
We feel pretty vulnerable.
Gross.
(10:51):
We feel like there's a pit inour stomach.
We feel dread.
It's an awful feeling, to bequite honest.
When you go against yourself andwhat you truly want for you and
what's best for you, it doesn'tfeel good because you feel out
of alignment with yourself.
Remember when we talked about,you know, that disconnection.
(11:13):
When you keep saying yes toother people is another thread
you are cutting with yourself.
And frankly, that's not fair toyou.
So it is important to say no.
It's important to reclaim yourtime and your energy.
Saying no helps you createspaces for your priorities, for
(11:35):
things that are actuallyimportant to you, the things you
want to get done, your goals.
You know, sometimes your goalsare not going to fit for
somebody else's vision, andthat's okay.
They're not meant to.
They're meant to fit yourvisions.
They're for you, to help yourlivelihood become more abundant,
you know, limitless.
Your priorities are for you.
(11:57):
Your self care, your personalgrowth.
Reclaim your time.
Time is literally the onlycurrency that's not refundable.
You can get money back, but younever can get your time or
energy back.
Granted, energy is always, youknow, being exchanged, never
destroyed.
You know what I'm saying.
(12:17):
Reclaim your time.
Your time is not, it's notrefundable.
Be intentional with it.
You're allowed to take space foryourself.
You're allowed to pamperyourself.
You're allowed to engage andinvest your time in skills that
you want for yourself.
Vacations you want for yourself.
Retreats you want for yourself.
(12:40):
Fitness goals.
All of that, yeah, you'll haveto say no to people sometimes
because you don't have the time.
Or it does not align with whatyou're trying to do for
yourself.
It's important to reclaim yourtime and energy.
And when you reclaim your timeand energy, you are protecting
your mental health.
When you are feeling overwhelmedand you overcommit, feelings of
(13:03):
resentment, stress, and burnoutcontinue to fester.
Remember I mentioned that.
Resentment.
You are going to start feelingbitter and upset, frustrated,
annoyed, irritable.
Vulnerable, victimized, all ofthese kind of nasty feelings.
Well, no feeling is kind of,yeah, I guess nasty, but there's
(13:26):
no such thing as a bad feelings.
These are your yellow lights,possibly some of you guys, your
red lights.
And when I think of emotions,when they're like this, your
green lights are the emotionsthat are like, yeah, let's go,
let's go do this.
Your yellow lights are kind of alet's slow down kind of
emotions.
And then your red lights arestop, pause, think.
(13:46):
What are we about to do?
What are we about to say?
What is causing this feeling?
Because when I get to thisfeeling, XYZ behavior comes out
of me, and I don't want that.
So, think about that.
You overcommit those feelings.
Like I mentioned, resentmentbeing a top one.
It's, it's hard.
It actually makes it harder foryou to be around these people
(14:08):
because the more and more youdon't speak for yourself, The
more you suppress, the moreangry you get, and it starts to
show in other ways.
You might become a little bitmore nasty.
You might actually becomephysically sick.
It will manifest in differentways and show.
Burnout, then you don't evenhave it in you to continue on,
but you're trying to get out ofbed.
(14:30):
And then you're made to feelguilty because you got sick from
over committing and didn't getany rest and everybody's like,
Oh my God, you're letting usdown.
And now you feel guilty.
And now you feel stressedbecause you can't be there for
an event.
Protect your mental health.
It's very important.
When we learn to say no, notonly are we protecting our
(14:52):
mental health, but you actuallyare strengthening your
relationships.
Crazy.
What do you mean, Shay?
I'm afraid that if I say no, I'mgoing to lose the person.
I'm afraid they're going to getangry at me.
Wait, wait, wait.
But boundaries create healthierand more authentic
relationships.
Do you know the more you mask,the more you are taking away
(15:12):
opportunities for that person toget to know who you truly are?
Get to know what matters to you.
Gets to know what you stand for.
Why rob them of that opportunityand yourself of that
opportunity?
And I get it, fear of losingsomebody, but if they can't
respect who you are, why wouldwe want that person in our life?
(15:34):
You need people in your lifethat are going to respect you
for who you truly are.
That's going to uplift you,that's going to hold you
accountable, of course.
Those are the people you want tobe around.
But boundaries foster betterrelationships because this is
how we teach others how to treatus.
When you tell me your green,red, yellow lights, I know what
(15:58):
is the danger zone in ourrelationship.
I know it is highly offensive.
I know not to go below the beltin our arguments.
Because certain things are just,they're just what we shouldn't
do.
These are certain limits weshouldn't engage in with our
best friends.
Like, or people in general.
I mean with my best friend, myaudience.
I know certain things.
(16:21):
And of course we share a lotwith each other.
I mean, over 10 years of afriendship, I mean, you would
think so, right?
But what I'm saying is like, Iknow things about her that maybe
other people don't.
And I know anytime that we haveargued or whatnot, yes.
Could I be very petty andaggressive and use some of those
things?
Which is technically calledunfair fighting, guys.
(16:43):
Those cross boundaries becauseShe's already told me not to
throw things in her face, orvulnerability is hard for her,
or that, you know, it's taken alot to even get to this point to
even speak about whatever x, y,and z.
So it's actually a betrayal.
And I wouldn't know those thingsare betrayals if we hadn't
(17:05):
spoken about it, or if shedidn't set her boundaries with
me.
Now that I know her boundaries,I know how to act accordingly.
I know how to communicate moreeffectively with her.
I know, you know, pretty muchhow our friendship dynamic
continues to be as wonderful andhappy as it is.
And we are able to be our mostauthentic selves with each
(17:27):
other.
It is important and itstrengthens our relationship.
Like I said, over 10 years.
Crazy.
But yeah, when you say no,you're saying yes to what truly
matters.
Remember that.
When you say no, you're sayingyes to what truly matters.
Take some time with that, okay?
(17:48):
Gonna give you that time.
Okay, time, let's get it.
So how am I going to embracethis new superpower?
Well, we have to start withreframing our mindset because
people pleasing, you're taughtthat.
I don't know if you may have hadparents.
(18:10):
Who were people pleasers and yousaw them being super duper
agreeable, never saying no,overcommitting themselves?
Maybe, possibly, that sometimescould be for some of us.
Or maybe you had emotionallyimmature parents who sought you
for comfort instead of givingyou the comfort as a child.
So you were brought up toappease them, walk on eggshells,
(18:33):
consider their needs more thanyour needs because that's how
you were trained.
You were raised that way.
But we're going to take thistime to reframe your mindset.
Saying no doesn't make youselfish, ungrateful,
unappreciative.
It makes you intentional.
(18:53):
Be intentional with your timeand your energy.
Your time is worthy.
You are worth the time.
Give it to yourself.
Saying no is an act of selfrespect.
You are worthy of respect.
So we have to get out of this.
(19:14):
You're not selfish.
You're not being a burden.
You're not unappreciative.
You are intentional.
You are purposeful.
You respect yourself.
You're prioritizing your needsbecause they matter.
And it is important for you tobe connected with yourself and
understand your own values andbeliefs to be able to stand on a
(19:37):
strong foundation of self.
It's important.
When it comes to you startingoff saying no, I'm not telling
you to, no, no, no, no, no, no,okay.
I'm not telling you to just getout here and do that, because
for some people that's reallyuncomfortable.
And I get that.
Some of my clients in my sessionstart to get nervous.
(19:58):
They start playing with theirhands, playing with their hair.
My favorite is the nervouslaughter.
Yeah, say no.
I get it.
It's uncomfortable becauseyou're not used to it.
And because if you say no,sometimes we feel that it's
going to put us in danger.
i.
e.
us as women when we're aroundmen.
We'd rather take the bear thanthe man because some of us have
(20:20):
had experiences where we're inthe club or just walking,
whatever, just existing andbeing the wonderful beings we
are that when we say no, we getcursed out.
We get called out of our names.
We are feared that our safety isin jeopardy.
I will say, as an aside, If thatis the experience that you're
(20:41):
having, I understand why sayingno is a safety concern.
Please take your safety intoconcern, especially if you're by
yourself.
Do what you feel is necessary tokeep yourself safe.
I understand that.
I have experienced those things.
I no longer go to certain areasanymore to pretty much lessen my
(21:02):
chance of encountering peoplelike that.
I also don't travel by myselfabsolutely not.
That's why I have my girlfriendswith me.
Yeah.
Going back to our tips of sayingno, you can use polite yet firm
language.
I appreciate you thinking of me,but I can't commit to this right
now.
That's polite.
That's nice.
(21:22):
That's not you coming aftersomebody's neck.
People who really don't care,and I'm not used to saying no or
possibly entitled, they're gonnafeel offended regardless, no
matter whatever.
But that's polite and that'sfirm.
It's assertive.
I'm telling you my feelings.
I appreciate you thinking of meand I'm telling you the
situation, but I can't commit tothis right now.
(21:44):
Assertive communication.
We're always going to preachthat here.
Another one.
I'd love to help, but I need toprioritize my other
responsibilities.
Some people might feel rejected.
But then you guys can have anadult conversation and let them
know this has nothing to do withyou.
I don't want you to feelrejected.
(22:04):
I don't want you to feel thatI'm abandoning you.
I just am prioritizing myselfright now because I really do
have a lot on my plate.
And when I feel more relieved, Iwill be able to help you when I
have the time.
I definitely have never left youhigh and dry before, so why
would I do it now?
I just have to prioritizemyself.
(22:25):
You know, you have those, havethose conversations.
But again, I'd love to help, butI need to prioritize my other
responsibility.
Polite and firm.
I love an assertive queen.
Buy time if you're unsure.
The maybes?
I hear you.
Here you go.
Let me think about it and getback to you.
Mhmm.
See?
(22:45):
It's not exactly a flat out noif you're not comfortable with
saying no all the way like that.
You get to buy yourself timebecause maybe it is something
that you actually do need tothink about.
Maybe it's something you do needto kind of look at your
calendar, your schedule, talk toyour significant other, your
family, what not.
To really go through the optionsfor yourself.
(23:05):
That's okay.
So, you're fine to tell people,let me think about it and get
back to you.
And you want to practice selfawareness.
Recognize when you feelobligated versus when you
genuinely want to say yes.
Because those feel different.
When I genuinely say yes tosomething, I feel elated, I feel
ecstatic, I just am bouncing offwalls.
(23:28):
Sometimes, depending on whatwe're doing.
Because I really am interestedin what we're doing, or what
we're about to do.
I'm curious.
Even if I'm not bouncing offwalls, curiosity is a good thing
for me too.
That peak feeling.
If you feel curious, and yougenuinely, you know, go for it.
I'm just saying, when yougenuinely say yes or want to say
yes, it is a completely freeingand liberating feeling.
(23:51):
It does no longer feel like achore that you have to be here.
You want to be there.
There's a difference.
You don't have to mask or put ona face to perform for others.
It's not performative.
You truly want to be there.
So recognize when you feelobligated, what does that feel
(24:11):
like?
What does obligation mean to me?
What does it look like?
Do I want to be a person who isalways obligated?
Is that the narrative I'mforming for myself?
And if that is a narrative youare forming and you want to
change it, then ask yourself,how can I be a more genuine
person?
How can I be more authentic tomyself?
(24:33):
And how can these boundaries getme here?
How do my boundaries get me tobeing my most authentic self?
Remember, your boundaries are anact of self love, an act of self
respect.
So think about and recognize thedifference between feeling
obligated versus when yougenuinely want to say yes.
(24:55):
Let's overcome the fear ofsaying no.
I know we mentioned some of thethings such as what if they get
obsessed?
Well, it's not about you.
The reaction's more about them.
Something in your no triggers anemotional response within them.
(25:19):
You are not responsible fortheir feelings or having to
change it.
It's more about you, it's moreabout them more than it will
ever be about you.
Something about that, if they'reupset that you told them, Hey.
Let me think about it and getback to you or I appreciate you
thinking about me, but I can'tcommit to this right now going
(25:40):
back to that example.
And they're just like, Shay, areyou serious right now?
Like I really need you.
Like what, what are you talkingabout?
You'll get back to me or youcan't commit.
I mean, I can't commit rightnow.
I don't have the time and I doappreciate you.
I always appreciate you thinkingof me.
(26:02):
I love being a part of yourlife.
And I love that you want me tobe a part of yours.
It's just sometimes I need totake time for myself.
So I'm not available at thismoment.
That is more about them thanyou.
Because being upset, maybe theyare starting to feel that
feeling of rejection.
Maybe they are feeling that theydid something wrong.
(26:26):
That they've become a burden toyou.
It is eliciting a triggerresponse of some type of
abandonment for them.
That's not your fault.
That is their own reaction.
And that's more about them andthings that they have to seek
within themselves.
Because the real question theyshould be asking is, Why am I
reacting this way?
(26:46):
Shay's always there for me.
Honestly, 99 percent of thetime, She always says yes, and
I'm just like, Girl, do you eversay no?
So why is the one time that Ialways say that I want her to
say no, she's saying no, and I'mupset because I'm not used to
her putting herself first.
I'm not used to her telling meno.
(27:08):
Her no hurts because she's theone person that I always felt I
can count on no matter what.
Because she put me first morethan she put herself first.
You know?
That's about them, not you.
What if you're judged?
Hmm.
Their opinions don't define yourworth.
(27:30):
When did others opinions becomemore important than yours?
I mean, I know it happened along time ago.
Again, with people pleasing.
But the fear of being judged.
You're not meant to beeverybody's cup of tea.
Again.
You're not meant to beeverybody's cup of tea.
And that's okay.
(27:50):
We, we're, we're not accessibleto everybody and we're not
trying to be.
We need to have these walls.
There was a criteria to ridethis ride.
That is you.
You are an experience.
You are one of a kind.
Everybody doesn't get toexperience who you are.
So if they judge you or have anegative opinion of you.
(28:13):
That's them.
They can keep that tothemselves.
Because everybody's gonna have adifferent version of you in
their head.
It's never all the same.
Like, with everybody you meet inyour life.
You will continue to be judged.
My pastor, bless his soul heused to always say, If you don't
have haters, you're not livinglife right.
(28:35):
Because when you're atrailblazer, And you're making
your own path.
There's going to be resistance.
When you start putting you firstand people ain't used to that,
they are going to fight it.
They resist change.
Because they know, they now haveto figure out life without you
being their main source ofrelief.
(28:57):
Not anymore.
They gotta do it.
So let them judge.
If they judge, they're not foryou.
Their opinions do not define whoyou are as a person.
Your values and beliefs do.
The people who love you will behere for you.
They will be curious about whyyou are changing or why you're
starting to say no.
They will understand.
(29:19):
It's okay to have fear, butdon't let it overcome you.
Overcome it.
Build confidence in yourdecision.
Like I mentioned, it isimportant for you to say no.
Boundaries are important becauseit highlights you trusting
yourself.
Let's kind of think when youthink about it, do you trust
(29:41):
yourself?
Every time you say yes tosomebody else, you're not
trusting yourself that you'll beable to overcome if somebody
does get upset.
Overcome if somebody isjudgmental.
Trust yourself that you will befine afterwards.
Trust yourself that the decisionyou are making for yourself is
the right decision for you.
(30:03):
Trust yourself that even if itwasn't the right decision, That
at least you took a chance onyourself and you are worth
taking a chance.
Prioritize yourself.
It is so important that we buildthis trust with ourselves.
It is so important that we takethis time to reconnect with
ourselves.
Because when you're a yes man,you care more about other
(30:26):
people's opinions because youropinion doesn't matter to you
and you can't trust yourdecision making.
That's not right.
You deserve a chance.
So take it.
The more you practice saying no,the easier it becomes.
It really does.
Just like on most things,practice makes perfect.
The more you practice it, theeasier it will be.
And I say that because, like Isaid, now I say that off rip.
(30:49):
No, I don't feel like it.
I'm really tired.
I don't even make reallyexcuses.
I just don't feel like goingout.
I just want to be home in mybed.
I'm not in the mood tosocialize.
It ain't got nothing to do withnobody else.
I'm just tapped out.
That's me prioritizing my needs.
Because my mind is saying, girl,rest.
You've done so much today.
Take time for yourself.
(31:11):
Plan some things.
Me and my friends get it prettymuch to this point that we gotta
plan get togethers.
We gotta plan this out.
Maybe sometimes a week inadvance, maybe two.
And that's okay.
Because a lot of things arehappening in life and everything
isn't about the other person.
Like, you're not the maincharacter in everybody's story.
You're the main character inyour story.
(31:33):
You know?
And so we have to be respectful.
But prioritize your needs.
The more you practice saying no.
The easier it will become.
I promise.
It's okay.
It's going to be all right.
So with that being said, pleasethink about putting yourself
more.
Putting yourself first.
Please think about puttingyourself first.
(31:55):
Think about one area in yourlife where you need to start
saying no.
Is it at PSA meetings?
Is it at your business?
Is it Job, friends,relationship, think about it.
Think of one area in your lifethat no would be so appreciative
(32:18):
in.
And set a small goal.
What's one thing you can say noto this week?
And since this podcast, oursessions are bi weekly sessions.
Think of two things actually.
What are two things, one foreach week?
That you can say no to, try out,and get back to me with those
(32:44):
goals too.
I want a hero, because we are acommunity here.
We are here to encourage oneanother.
We are here to thrive throughwhat we go through.
So, As you're going through thisnew lesson for yourself, you're
going through this new thingbecause boundaries are not for
(33:05):
everybody.
It's not just a, oh my God, itfeels amazing at first.
No, it feels scary.
It feels uncomfortable.
You can feel a tightness inyourself.
And when you feel that, committhough, commit to your no.
And when you're by yourself,breathe.
Remember what we were talkingabout, the square breathing.
How about using that?
Or just take a deep breath,exhale, shake it out, shake the
(33:28):
nerves out.
And remember why you even saidthat no, because I'm putting me
first and I deserve to be putfirst.
Okay.
Awesome.
Share those goals with me onInstagram.
So moving forward, as youcontinue with these boundaries,
(33:49):
and we did mention resilience,get ready to be letting go.
What?
Yes.
What resistance?
Not everything is meant to stayin your life.
Not every person is meant tostay in your life.
We're gonna dive into lettinggo.
Letting go of what no longerserves you.
(34:12):
And no longer serves us.
Because we are moving into a newchapter.
We are embodying the woman weare meant to be.
We are now putting in steps.
putting in, we're starting todefine what she looks like.
She's not a pushover.
She's not an appeaser.
She advocates for herself.
(34:33):
She is strong in her opinions.
She's intelligent.
She's caring.
She is nurturing.
She is loving and she bringslife and she is full of
abundance.
And you can add other things tothat.
But not everything in your lifecurrently is going to support
that growth.
So we're going to dive intoletting go what no longer serves
(34:56):
us.
And that is the end of sessions.
Do we have any concerns?
And if we do send me a messageon Instagram as shift happens
with Shea.
I encourage you to share yourthoughts about this episode on
Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn.
If you are in there or even inyour reviews, I'd appreciate
(35:18):
that too.
So subscribe.
So you are always alerted on thenext session.
We all need appointments to knowwhere we got to go in for a
little dose of Shea.
And I really want to hear fromyou all.
So please subscribe, leave areview talk to me, engage with
me on social media.
Like on those question days,those prompt days, I would be so
(35:41):
happy to hear from you.
I love hearing my thoughts fromyou, hearing your thoughts.
I love hearing your stories andI'm here to tell your story
until you feel strong enough.
Or if there's something you wantto work on and you need some
advice, you know, that you'dwant in an episode, let me know.
And I'll bring it to session andwe'll talk about it.
I'm all for it.
I'm here to serve you guys.
(36:03):
I want to help you in anycapacity So definitely share
your thoughts with me over thereinstagram at shift happens with
shay You can also go to mywebsite at road to snatch.
com You can send me an email atshift happens with shay at
gmail.
com Please send all yourinquiries there if you are not
in on instagram.
(36:23):
I'd love to hear from you orleave comments under the
YouTube, on Spotify, whereveryou are listening to me at.
I would love to get in touchwith all of you.
So yes, please.
And also, besides the smallgoals that I told you for
homework, you know, So tell mein when you're reaching out to
(36:47):
me, how has saying no helpedyou?
I love to hear your stories.
I want to hear that.
I want to hear how saying no inthese past two weeks or even
this starting week, how it ishelping you or how it's been
nerve wracking.
Tell me all those feelings.
I'm here for you.
I want to support you.
Yeah.
So thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you for being here for ourquick little lesson.
(37:08):
So enjoy the rest of your day,setting attention.
Take a deep breath.
Be well.
Inhale and exhale.
You are about to rule the world.
Have a beautiful week, my dears.
Thank you for sitting andsipping with me and thank you
for coming to this session andallowing me to be here with you
and share this space again.
(37:29):
All right.
Love you guys.
Remember, Instagram, ShiftHappens with Shea.
Leave a review, subscribe, sharethe podcast with a loved one or
friend who needs to hear it orjust anybody.
I really adore you guys.
Thank you! Mwah!
Popular Podcasts
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Intentionally Disturbing
Join me on this podcast as I navigate the murky waters of human behavior, current events, and personal anecdotes through in-depth interviews with incredible people—all served with a generous helping of sarcasm and satire. After years as a forensic and clinical psychologist, I offer a unique interview style and a low tolerance for bullshit, quickly steering conversations toward depth and darkness. I honor the seriousness while also appreciating wit. I’m your guide through the twisted labyrinth of the human psyche, armed with dark humor and biting wit.