April 27, 2025 • 34 mins
You’re the go-to. The glue. The one everyone leans on. But what happens when the “strong friend” wants to slow down, rest, and live softer?
In this episode of Shift Happens with Shay, we explore the tension between being the emotional anchor in your relationships and your desire to embrace the soft life. We’re unpacking what it means to choose radical self-love and intentional softness without guilt—because rest is not a reward, and softness is not weakness.
You’ll walk away with:
💭 Permission to stop performing strength
💡 A deeper understanding of what soft living actually looks like
🛑 Tips for setting boundaries that protect your peace
💖 A gentle nudge to start putting you first
Because you’re allowed to be both strong and soft. And you’re worthy of care—just as you are.
🎧 Tune in now on Spotify, Apple Podcasts & more.
#SoftLifeEra #RadicalSelfLove #StrongFriendFatigue #MentalWellness #ShiftHappensWithShay
Continue the conversation with Shay on her Instagram, Facebook page, website, and linkedIn! You can also email Shay at shifthappenswithshay@gmail.com if you are looking for insight about your life, send your stories, or request topics you would like to address.
Please note this podcast is not a substitution for therapy, if you require assistance with exploring trauma, deeper relationship issues, or more please reach out to establish care.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hey there, and welcome to ShiftHappens with Shay.
I'm Shay, your host and licensedmarriage and family therapist.
This podcast is where we diveinto all the shift life throws
our way, whether it'srelationships, mental health,
personal growth, or justfiguring out this crazy journey
of adulting here.
We're all about honestconversation, real stories, and
a whole lot of laughs as wetackles life's challenges
(00:22):
together.
This is your space to grow,explore, and feel seen.
So grab a cozy spot, maybe a cupof coffee or wine, and let's get
ready to shift through it all.
Thanks for tuning in, andremember, no matter what life
brings us, we're in thistogether.
Hi everybody.
Welcome back.
My beautiful loves.
I hope you're doing okay.
(00:43):
Just checking in real quick howyou've been.
How have the two weeks beentreating you?
I hope, well, I hope we'respringing it into spring with
new, profound, life and lightinto our life.
This episode is near and dear tome because I.
Do and have seen myself as thestrong one.
(01:05):
And we're going to continue tobuild off of our last episode
when we talked about being thestrong friend.
Pretty much struggling insilence, and now that you
understand and see that you'vebeen struggling in silence, this
episode is for you when you'vealways been the strong one, but
you're finally realizing andyou're starting to wonder.
(01:27):
What if it feels like, whatwould it feel like to be held?
And that's a beautiful thingbecause we're gonna get right
into talking about the mythsthat strength equals constant
resilience.
We get tired of beingresilience.
We get tired of always having tobe the one to bounce back, and
(01:48):
it pretty much continues todehumanize us as if we don't
need support.
And we do.
We always need support.
There's nothing wrong with thatsupport.
And then we're gonna talk aboutwhat soft life is too.
And this is beyond the luxuryaesthetics that we all see.
(02:08):
Though I'm all for it becauseyour girl loves an all
inclusive, your girl loves a spaday, a medi, petty.
I'm all for it.
But there is more to a soft lifethan just the luxurious
aesthetics.
And then we're gonna talk abouthow we can shift.
And because this shift is an actof radical self-care, radical
(02:30):
self-love and healing, we'recultivating radical self-love
when we're tired of being theone who holds it all.
And I want us to take a littlebreak and think about when was
the last time you let someonetake care of you?
I want you to sit with thatprompt for a bit, and don't
(02:51):
worry, of course, I'll post thison our Instagram and we can all
just wander and talk with oneanother.
But when was the last time youlet someone take care of you?
I, and if it's a hard, prettymuch prompt for you to really
think about when's the last timeyou relied on somebody, laid
your head on somebody'sshoulders, gave it all to
(03:13):
somebody else to take care of.
Baby, we got a lot to get intothen today.
And this goes into, we're gonnadive in on who is a strong
friend and what do we look like.
And typically for us, that meanslike we're usually emotionally
available.
And we're not talking about inthe sense of love, like you just
let any old body in more.
(03:34):
In the sense that we are veryaccessible emotionally to our
loved ones, though, that whenthey're going through something,
we jump up.
We're the dependable ones.
We're always showing up for allthe crisis.
We are seen as the person thatcan handle crisis very well, so
everybody always comes to us toput out fires.
We are everybody's firefighter,and we end up putting others
(03:57):
before ourself because we'rethinking about other people's
needs and we're thinking abouthow we can help them save them,
how we can make their lifeeasier without thinking about
how this impacts us.
But if you're the one that'salways getting up don't worry
girl, I got you.
I'm here for you.
Lay on me.
Tell me what's up.
But never, you don't feel likeyou're able to do the same for
(04:20):
someone else.
Maybe you're a strong one.
If you've ever felt thatunspoken pressure to perform
emotional perfection.
Shea, what are you talkingabout, bro?
I'm trying to tell you, girl,emotional perfection, like you
just don't feel, you can't,you're allowed to break down.
(04:41):
You can't look like you don'thave it all together.
You don't feel safe enough orthat maybe this will discredit
you in being able to be therefor others because you are
showing that you got it alltogether, that you can't, you
can't fall apart.
You end up being this beacon ofstrength and we are then forced
(05:02):
into this cycle of emotionalperfection, having to have the
perfect emotional responses.
Anytime someone says something,us to us, despite that it might
be hurtful, despite that wemight wanna cry despite that.
We might wanna be angry.
Despite that, we might feel likeyelling despite the impacts it
has on us, but we continue tostay silent and just act as if.
(05:25):
We are the most mature person inthe room and we just take it,
and that's not it.
And, this is so common,especially for us women and
those of us in Bipoccommunities, like just.
It's just a generationalinfluence.
We have to have it togetherbecause I'd say as a black
woman, if you show too manyemotions, you're too emotional
(05:47):
or you're seen as the angryblack woman, or you're seen as
bitter.
So you have so much resentmentthat if we show an ounce of
feeling or emotions, we'rediscredited immediately that we
can't handle it.
But then when we do emotionallyregulate.
And we might actually show thisemotional perfection.
Then we dehumanize ourselvesbecause then everybody thinks
(06:07):
that we can handle everythingthat we don't need a shoulder to
cry on that nothing impacts us.
So they keep on throwing morethings at us and also.
I'll admit in the community youmight hear crying is for the
weak.
What's crying gonna do for you?
Crying's not gonna solvenothing.
So we don't even give ourselvesa chance to sit within our
(06:29):
emotions and acknowledge it andjust be attuned to ourselves.
And what's the reward for thisemotional perfection?
Burnout.
Emotional invisibility andisolation.
Because we then don'tcommunicate or talk about our
struggles, and now we feel likewe're in this cycle by ourselves
just being alone.
(06:50):
And I have a quote that's prettymuch like the strong friend is
often the loneliest one in theroom because how often as you
being the strong one, do yourfriends check in on you?
I find it interesting that in mygroup of friends we have all
been or are the strong ones forour other friends and.
(07:12):
It's kind of funny, like forinstance, with my ing, like when
me and her talk, like we just onand on and on and on and on for
each other, but we allowourselves to be vulnerable with
each other.
Vulnerable.
Vulnerable with one another.
And we talk about the thingsthat are bothering us.
And of course, because we'reboth one of women of color, we
have.
Sometimes similar experiences,similar feelings, and we're able
(07:35):
to lean on each other, cry toone another and all of that.
But when we go to like our otherfriends, we may not feel as
comfortable doing that becausewe're the ones that hold it
together for the other friends.
Like you, you can't just, Ican't be breaking down in front
of you all the time becausesometimes inadvertently I might
(07:56):
think, wow, maybe they're notstrong enough to hold me and I
have to be the strong one forthem.
But again, that's isolating.
Luckily I have my ting so Idon't have to feel isolated.
But, being the strong one isthe, being the loneliest one in
the room.
It, it really sucks.
So, but Shea, I'm so tired ofbeing strong.
I do wanna relax.
(08:17):
I do wanna be soft.
I don't wanna always beresilient.
I don't always wanna save theday.
So what is the soft life you'retalking about?
And we've all been hearing aboutsoft life.
I love this for us as women ofcolor, honestly, just also as
women too, that we are nowstarting to give ourselves
permission to rest.
Permission to receive andpermission to exist without
(08:40):
urgency.
Yes, you are more thansomebody's next crisis saver.
Okay.
And that's why I meant when Isay soft era living, soft life
living, it's not just about theluxurious aesthetics you're
seeing on Pinterest or Instagramor TikTok, which, but like I
said, that's okay if you do thatbecause I'm a luxury girly too.
(09:02):
I love that stuff.
But.
It's really the leisure of thepermission to rest, receive, and
like I said, exists withouturgency.
It looks like saying no withoutguilt.
It looks like being emotionallyexpressive without shame.
It looks like creating peace.
And not just by avoidingconflict, like you don't just
(09:25):
say, oh no, I'm not going todeal with that.
Like you're avoiding'causeyou're afraid of it.
No.
You have a boundary in placestating that this is not above
my boundary.
This is not going to be for meto have to solve.
I have to put me first, and ifthis is a situation or a
conflict, that's gonna have mecompromise me.
(09:46):
It's not for me and I am goingto say no to it.
And that's not avoiding, dad'sactually being pretty direct.
I'm not going to do this i's a ano.
And like we said, saying nowithout guilt.
And then also prioritizing joyand stillness.
We have often felt like we'vebeen punished for being still
(10:08):
because this stillness or softlife says that we're lazy, we're
selfish, or we're avoided, andthose are misconceptions.
You're not selfish.
And also, even if you are alittle selfish, go ahead.
Because if you've never beenselfish for yourself, let's
start today.
Because you deserve to be apriority.
(10:28):
You deserve to just rest.
You deserve to just exist andbe, you're allowed to do that.
So give yourself permission toenter this soft life and you
know that mixes come to our nextreflection.
Where in your life are youchoosing productivity over
peace?
(10:49):
Where have you been?
Pretty much living by themessage that if I'm not
productive, then I'm not worthyof rest.
I have not earned my rest.
I don't deserve my rest.
And if those are some of thethings that you tell yourself,
and that's why in your life youend up choosing productivity
(11:11):
over piece, whether that's inyour friend group.
Your family or work or whereverin your life, we really need to
rethink because remember, inorder to have a soft life, you
gotta have, you gotta giveyourself permission to rest,
receive, and you are allowed toexist without urgency.
But think about that.
(11:32):
Where in your life right now areyou choosing productivity over
peace?
But I understand because it'shard to let go of a mindset
that.
Honestly, it was unconsciouslybuilt for us, and we didn't
realize it was being builtaround us.
It wasn't intentional for us,but it was intentional for the
ones that gave us the meaning ofthis wall that now we've built
(11:52):
against vulnerability and beingable to let go.
So we end up having this tensionbetween softness and
responsibility.
It then becomes really difficultfor us to choose ourselves
because we're like, no, but Istill have this to do and that
to do, and if I don't do it, whowill type of thing.
Right, that internalizedmessage.
(12:13):
If I don't do it, who will?
And I know we've all had thatthought.
I've had that at work.
I used to work at a agency forliterally about six years, and I
was one, and I think I mentionedthis in a previous episode,
previous session of ours, I wasone of the top performing.
If not the top.
(12:33):
And that's not to toot my horn.
It is just because I know Iwrote the SOPs, I made the deals
with the people.
I went and I got stuff done whennobody knew the answer, I found
it.
So when you end up being thebook, the quote unquote
knowledge in the room, everybodyasked as if there's no way they
can support you or that, oh,it's okay.
(12:56):
Shay will take care of it.
Or they got it, da da, da, da.
But.
It also gives you that sense of,on your shoulders, this heavy
weight that no, if I don't doit, who will?
I know I can get it done.
I trust myself to get it done,but it means we don't trust the
other people around us to followthrough.
(13:17):
That's horrible.
And then also another fear.
If we're the strong friend andwe're resisting letting go is
because we fear disappointingour loved ones, and that's
understandable.
We, trust me.
I always tell people that I feardisappointing my mother more
than making her angry becausedisappointment hurts way more
than her anger.
(13:37):
I'd rather she yell, I'd rathershe throw a fit or I'd rather
she just do a whole bunch ofstuff rather than to look at me
with disappointment in her eyes.
It is the heaviest wound toburden.
But I understand why you, as astrong friend would resist
letting go because you're afraidof disappointing others, or that
you might be a person thatbelieves that love is earned
(13:59):
through labor.
I can't just expect people tolove me.
I gotta show them why I amworthy of love, so I have to do
it through labor.
I gotta work and earn the love.
And that's really hard.
If everybody in your life makesyou feel like you have to earn
love, what is the purpose ofthat?
When do you stop earning?
When does the goalpost stopmoving?
(14:21):
So I'm gonna tell you, this ishow we're gonna start regaining
control for ourselves in ourlife, and funny enough to regain
control in order to get tosoftness.
You gotta release it.
You gotta release the controland the guilt because you have
to name the fear that is beneaththis control.
And you gotta ask yourself, whyam I afraid?
(14:42):
What am I afraid will happen ifI stop managing everything?
What was gonna happen?
Are people gonna fail?
Are people gonna be upset thatit didn't go right?
Maybe.
But then this teaches others howto also manage these different
crises.
You gotta let people grow.
You gotta let people do theirthing.
(15:03):
But if that is your fear, whatelse though?
What else are you afraid of willhappen if you stop doing
everything and let's reframe.
Letting go as a space.
This is a beautiful space thatwe're not dropping people.
We're just choosing pressing,ugh.
We're choosing presence overperformance.
(15:25):
I'm choosing to exist.
I'm choosing to be more than mynext task.
My self worth is not based on myperformance.
It's not attached to my selfworth that we are, like I said,
we're more than this.
So we were framing, letting goas I'm making space for myself
(15:48):
and use both an and languagegirl.
What you talking about rightnow?
Hello.
Hold on, hang with me.
Hang tight with me.
This is what I mean by that.
We, we can be caring and haveboundaries.
I can love others deeply andchoose myself.
I can be there for others and Ican rely on others to be there
(16:11):
for me.
And both.
Life is about duality.
It doesn't have to be about thisextreme, part on the spectrum
where you have to be.
All in or all out.
You can have both.
You can be caring, you can beloving, you can be there and
(16:32):
still want others there for you,and still have your boundaries
and still be able to putyourself first without fearing
that you're abandoning otherpeople.
And this is hard.
But in order to get to that, wehave to practice micro releases.
So small releases.
We want to, don't start with thebiggest task.
(16:53):
Start with something small.
Like instead of you being theone that controls everybody's
itinerary or being the one thatplans all the outings, let
someone else plan the outing,let the text go and answer for a
few hours.
Remember, you are allowed toexist without urgency.
Let that text go unanswered.
(17:14):
It was fine.
It's not a nine one one.
Call it, it's okay, and if itis, they'll end up calling you.
To be quite honest.
And another way is you can say,I need a moment to think about
that.
Give yourself time.
This is how you actually takeback control of your softness
that you actually reintegratedinto your life by letting go all
(17:39):
of these other expectations thatyou are only worth your
performance.
And also.
Remember when I mentioned thatwe can protect our softness and
we can engage in it withoutabandoning who we are.
So you can create soft buffers.
You could do 30 minutes ofsilence before or after high
(18:00):
emotion interactions.
You could journal after toughconversations to return to you.
Take time to return to you.
We are attuning to ourselvesbecause remember, we've been
putting others in front of usfor so long, we've become
detached.
From us, so we need to come backto ourselves.
We can create soft boundarieswith languages.
(18:21):
Like, I wanna show up for youfully, but I'm not in the
emotional space right now.
Or, can I get back to youtomorrow?
I'm in a restoration mode, andtrust me, the ones who love you
will get it.
Me and my friends do this witheach other now.
Actually, quite often if I feellike I have a very emotionally
charged conversation that'sabout to come out, I end up.
(18:44):
Asking my friends do you havespace for me emotionally right
now?
Especially not only, butespecially because I am attuned
to other people's feelings.
I do notice when people's moodsare off, but even if it's not
off, I'm still gonna ask becauseI don't know, maybe you don't
have the space for me right now,and that's okay.
That's not offensive.
That's you protecting yoursoftness.
And we have to remember and seeit that way.
This is not rejection.
(19:05):
This is allowing our friends toengage their boundaries and to
respect themselves.
Boundaries are an act ofself-love, and then also you can
guard your joy, make joynon-negotiable.
It is not an option.
We are here to create our joy.
We're not allow other people totake it.
(19:27):
Protect your laughter.
Your stillness, your solitude.
They're so precious and youdeserve it all.
Protect it and have your softcircle.
Surround yourself with peoplewho honor your softness, not
just your strength.
And that's important becausethese are the people who gonna
encourage your restoration.
(19:49):
These are the people who aregonna check in and be like, Hey,
did you take time for yourself?
Hey, how are you doing?
I noticed you were having a hardday.
Are you all right?
Oh girl, don't even worry aboutit.
I know life's been tough.
I understand if you've been offthe map, you're just trying to
get yourself together, create acircle of softness.
These people are so needed.
(20:09):
I'm so appreciative of my ing ofCarla.
I have Tasha, like I'm justsaying there.
I have so many people in my lifethat create this allowance of
healing and softness and justchill.
And then when we need to bethere for each other, we show up
and whatnot.
I love it.
Like it's not question that ifone of us is not talking or
(20:30):
something that we don't love,that we end up, not that we're
not loving the person.
Like what?
No, I'm still here for you.
So ask yourself though aboutyour current circle.
Do they give as much as theytake?
Do you feel safe to be soft?
Just take a moment with that.
(20:51):
Remember?
You do not have to be everythingto everyone in order to be
worthy of love.
You don't have to be everythingto everyone in order to be
worthy of love.
And now we're gonna get backinto, with that being said, I
(21:15):
want you to start now embracingradical self-love through
self-loving.
And radical self-love isembracing all parts of yourself
rested, raw and realvulnerability.
Authenticity like it is requirednot only for connections with
other, but connections withourselves.
I mentioned that in I twosessions ago when we talked
(21:38):
about vulnerability.
You need to have that foryourself.
Radical self-love is needed forthe strong ones.
I need you to embrace all ofyourself.
And ways you can begin.
This is doing inner childcheck-ins and that's a way of
sitting with yourself talking toyour most wounded self, the self
that needed love, a hug thatembraced the most that needed to
(22:00):
hear.
You're doing enough, you're soenough, you're so loved.
That part of you whatever age,even though we typically say
inner child and that's I don'tknow, people think about five,
10 years old.
Your inner child can be whateverthat most hurtful part of your
life was.
My inner child is actuallyaround the age of 21 and 22.
(22:24):
She's around there and often Itypically have to sit with her
and it's okay.
Find that inner child and checkin with yourself.
How are you feeling?
My love.
Are you okay?
It's okay.
I notice you're coming out more.
I notice that you're bringingout that armor.
We don't need that.
It's okay to be soft here.
Implement some daily rituals ofsoftness, such as stretching,
(22:47):
breath work, journaling, or justa nice hot cup of tea.
And if you're a coffee drinker,that's fine too.
Make some moments for yourselfand dedicate to just being,
still have that tea or coffeeand sit at the table, look at
the sun, come up.
Maybe the evening, do somestretching.
(23:09):
Don't do coffee in the eveningand do a herbal tea.
Just, caffeine or do somestretching, just some soft
movements, allowing your body towake up and or just toned or
wind down in a soft, likewithout it being rushed, a
blaring alarm.
That's why I also recommend whenyou pick your alarms, I know we
(23:31):
often tend to go for the mostlike.
Like gut wrenching ones.
I say gut wrenching, but soalarming.
Like they just shock you, likeyou wake up with an urgency.
And remember, soft living isabout existing without urgency.
Pick that soft melody, letyourself.
Wake up to softness.
Start the day.
Soft.
(23:52):
I know often we're like, oh, I'mnot gonna listen.
I'm not gonna hear it.
Well, at least don't pick thealarm.
That's like, eh, eh, eh, eh,like so loud.
That is it's more of like,almost like you're waking up
with a heart attack, yourheart's racing.
You wanna pick something that'sgonna allow you to softly start
your day and move about.
Also, some other things we cando to begin embracing radical
(24:13):
self-love is self-forgiveness.
That compassion.
Allow yourself to make mistakes.
Mistakes are a part of life.
Now, of course, if there's apattern and you've been doing
something for a long time, yeah,get that together, especially
it's harmful, but also knowyou're not gonna be perfect.
It's okay.
(24:35):
Sit with yourself and forgiveyourself.
Because when we keep shamingourselves, then we keep shaming
ourselves into emotionalperfection, and we're not
perfect.
We're allowed to break down.
We're allowed to fall apart.
We're allowed to not have ittogether and forgive yourself
for not having it together.
Forgive yourself for being sostrict on yourself.
Forgive yourself for allowingyourself to be stuck in this
(24:58):
cycle of resilience andstrength.
Allow yourself to forgive andreframing your boundaries are an
act of self love.
Boundaries are here for you toprotect your heart, protect your
peace, protect your joy, protectyour laughter, your smile,
protect your stillness.
(25:20):
Boundaries are an act ofself-love.
Remember, softness is not theopposite of strength.
It is your birth right.
Okay, you got this, and nowwe're gonna go into.
Additional ways that we're gonnacontinue to shift from us being
(25:41):
the strong friend who wants tostart now being more soft with
ourselves.
Here are some boundaries thatyou can try and you can practice
with for the next two weeks isscripted boundaries.
Such as I love you, but I can'tbe your safe space right now.
I need time for me.
And you don't have to say itlike that.
(26:02):
Same thing I tell my clients.
You don't need to say it likeyour therapist.
You need to say it in your ownwords, but say it assertively.
We're not, we don't have to berude about it.
We don't have to be nasty aboutit.
We don't have to come off supertough about it.
We're practicing softness.
We're shifting.
You are allowed to be soft.
You can say I love you, and thatusually disarms people anyways,
(26:24):
because we're reassuring themthat we're not abandon them.
We're just saying, I love you.
That doesn't stop.
Just because I want time formyself right now because some
friends might feel defensivebecause this is new for them,
and it's okay to tell them thatthis is more about me.
Honestly it is less about you.
I'm trying to be there formyself more, and I love you.
(26:45):
I'll always be here for you, butright now, in this moment, I
need space for myself.
So again, I love you, but Ican't be your safe space right
now.
I need time for me.
Or you can try.
Like I mentioned, like when meand my friends do, when we have
things to say to other people,can I be vulnerable with you for
a moment?
And sometimes you actually mightbe surprised, your friends might
(27:08):
be happy that you're actuallyopening up to them because they
might feel like, dang, like shenever opens up to me.
And she's never, I've never seenher cry, like, is she okay?
I feel afraid to go up to herbecause she never asks for
anything or anytime that I doask, she's always saying that
she's fine, but it doesn't feellike she's fine.
Trust those people.
Trust.
(27:28):
These people that you love somuch that you'd go over and
beyond for to help them, givethem the opportunity to go over
and beyond for you sometimes.
So go ahead and practicesometime in these next two weeks
asking, can I be vulnerable withyou for a moment?
Ask for small help.
It doesn't have to be super big.
(27:49):
It could be one small ask aweek.
Hey, can you help me out withthis topic that I have to talk
about?
Hey, can I soundboard with youabout a bit?
Blah, blah.
Hey, can I soundboard with you abit on this piece?
I just want to, I wanna hear howthis sounds out loud.
I would love your opinion, or ifit's something small, like, Hey,
(28:13):
what are some restaurantsuggestions you have?
Hey, for our next girl trip,what are some things you're
into?
What are some things you wouldwanna do on there?
Can you actually take up ondoing the driving this time?
Or can you take this, can youlook into the restaurant
suggestions?
I'm gonna go look into thehotel.
Small things, small things.
(28:34):
But for the next two weeks, justdo some, just help yourself
practice.
And we want to continue workingon building reciprocal
relationships.
Let people show up for you.
Like I said, we have to allowpeople the chance to show up for
you, and this also will help youlet you know who are the people
that are there for you and carefor you, and those who may just
(28:55):
be super reliant on just yourstrength.
Remember, relationships taketwo.
It can't be drain drain fromyou.
And I'm not saying you have tocut those people off.
You just might have to makestrong boundaries.
And that just means letting themreally know when you have space
for them.
Like not allowing yourself to beaccessible like that anymore.
'cause if they only come aroundwhen something's going down, we
(29:17):
gotta train people how to treatus.
So teach them, put that boundarythere.
And then maybe if you'd like.
Create your own softness,ritual.
Check-in some of those thingsthat I talked about before.
Journaling, stretching tea,inner child check-ins.
You can create a visual ordigital version of this, like on
(29:39):
I IG or printer shoe.
You might just actually check.
Put that in the search box andyou'll see softness, rituals,
checklists show up, and theseare some ways you could take
time to help yourself shift tomore of the soft era or soft
living.
So my loves, I hope this waswhat you needed.
(30:01):
I hope that you being the strongone, you allow yourself to
start.
It is daunting because you'redoing a whole mindset and
lifestyle shift.
And of course, with any shift,there will be some resistance.
Be prepared for the resistance.
It will happen.
I'm not gonna say it's supereasy.
Sometimes you'll do somethinglofty per se, and you'll just be
(30:22):
sitting there putting a soundbath on and maybe some lo-fi
music and chilling withyourself, and that small voice
is saying, but you didn't domuch today.
Why are you being lazy?
And you have to practiceself-compassion when that inner
critic appears and remindyourself.
That your worth is not attachedto your productivity.
(30:43):
You are allowed to rest.
You are allowed to release, youare allowed to live guiltless.
You are allowed to just be instillness without urgency.
So we are shifting now frombeing strong all the time to
being soft with intentions.
(31:05):
And I invite you guys to thisjournal prompt to take with you
from today.
What part of me is asking to beheld more gently this season.
What part of me is be, what partof me is asking to be held more
gently this season and take timewith yourself.
(31:26):
We're gonna work on those gentleinvitations because you deserve
them.
If you loved what you hear todayor you wanna reach out to me
about what you've been doingthroughout the week to practice
your softness, don't hesitate toreach out to me.
I would love to hear you guys'success and even some of your
(31:47):
struggles.
I'm happy to be here.
For you.
Of course I do have my ownboundaries.
I'm d and d.
Just because we on the internetwebs, I know we have this thing
that thinks instantgratification, 24 hour
accessibility.
I'm gonna get to your messagewhen I'm able to get to your
message.
'cause I do have life happeningin the background, but it
(32:07):
doesn't mean I care any less.
I'm here.
I love you all and I can't waitto hear ways.
You're gonna be more gentle withyourself this season and how
you're gonna invite softnessinto your life with more
intention.
So please reach out to me, shareand tag so that we can continue
conversations as a community.
Reach out to me at Shift Happenswith Shay on Instagram.
(32:29):
I am starting up my Pinterest.
TikTok is slowly coming along,so you can still find me on all
of those as shift happens withShay.
I'm on Facebook as well, but themain place you'll see my work or
my podcast or whatnot, will beYouTube shorts or TikTok and
Instagram mostly.
Instagram is mostly where I'mat, but trust me, I'll reply to
(32:50):
a DM on any of those any ofthose platforms.
And if you are looking toseriously want to work with me,
you can look me up on.
LinkedIn, Han Moore King.
I'm on there.
I share my work on there.
I'm networking.
I'm available on there too,within reasons.
But yes, pleased.
(33:12):
And if you see anything on mypage that excites you and you're
sharing tag and share thismessage with a friend that you
felt really needed it, and youjust already was thinking about
her, not only just yourself, butsomeone else that you thought
needed this conversation, shareit.
I would love to hear from themtoo.
And with that, I do want us toend with one final affirmation,
(33:34):
and you can say it with me oryou could repeat after me, or
you could just say it in yourmind.
It's okay.
I release the need to performstrength.
I am allowed to rest, receive,and rise in softness.
Good.
All right, my loves.
I adore you.
(33:54):
I can't wait to have more foryou.
I'm still working on myproducts.
They're almost done.
I gotta take pictures.
Still working on my website.
I'm so excited about releasingthat to you guys and bringing in
the joy of making our own magic,our own razzle dazzle into our
world, and I can't wait till wetalk again.
I love you all.
(34:15):
Have an amazing day.
You are beautiful.
You deserve the world, and reachout to me and let me know what
you want more of.
You can also email me at ShiftHappens with shea@gmail.com.
Love you all.
Hey there, and welcome to ShiftHappens with Shay.
I'm Shay, your host and licensedmarriage and family therapist.
This podcast is where we diveinto all the shift life throws
our way, whether it'srelationships, mental health,
personal growth, or justfiguring out this crazy journey
of adulting here.
We're all about honestconversation, real stories, and
a whole lot of laughs as wetackles life's challenges
(00:22):
together.
This is your space to grow,explore, and feel seen.
So grab a cozy spot, maybe a cupof coffee or wine, and let's get
ready to shift through it all.
Thanks for tuning in, andremember, no matter what life
brings us, we're in thistogether.
Hi everybody.
Welcome back.
My beautiful loves.
I hope you're doing okay.
(00:43):
Just checking in real quick howyou've been.
How have the two weeks beentreating you?
I hope, well, I hope we'respringing it into spring with
new, profound, life and lightinto our life.
This episode is near and dear tome because I.
Do and have seen myself as thestrong one.
(01:05):
And we're going to continue tobuild off of our last episode
when we talked about being thestrong friend.
Pretty much struggling insilence, and now that you
understand and see that you'vebeen struggling in silence, this
episode is for you when you'vealways been the strong one, but
you're finally realizing andyou're starting to wonder.
(01:27):
What if it feels like, whatwould it feel like to be held?
And that's a beautiful thingbecause we're gonna get right
into talking about the mythsthat strength equals constant
resilience.
We get tired of beingresilience.
We get tired of always having tobe the one to bounce back, and
(01:48):
it pretty much continues todehumanize us as if we don't
need support.
And we do.
We always need support.
There's nothing wrong with thatsupport.
And then we're gonna talk aboutwhat soft life is too.
And this is beyond the luxuryaesthetics that we all see.
(02:08):
Though I'm all for it becauseyour girl loves an all
inclusive, your girl loves a spaday, a medi, petty.
I'm all for it.
But there is more to a soft lifethan just the luxurious
aesthetics.
And then we're gonna talk abouthow we can shift.
And because this shift is an actof radical self-care, radical
(02:30):
self-love and healing, we'recultivating radical self-love
when we're tired of being theone who holds it all.
And I want us to take a littlebreak and think about when was
the last time you let someonetake care of you?
I want you to sit with thatprompt for a bit, and don't
(02:51):
worry, of course, I'll post thison our Instagram and we can all
just wander and talk with oneanother.
But when was the last time youlet someone take care of you?
I, and if it's a hard, prettymuch prompt for you to really
think about when's the last timeyou relied on somebody, laid
your head on somebody'sshoulders, gave it all to
(03:13):
somebody else to take care of.
Baby, we got a lot to get intothen today.
And this goes into, we're gonnadive in on who is a strong
friend and what do we look like.
And typically for us, that meanslike we're usually emotionally
available.
And we're not talking about inthe sense of love, like you just
let any old body in more.
(03:34):
In the sense that we are veryaccessible emotionally to our
loved ones, though, that whenthey're going through something,
we jump up.
We're the dependable ones.
We're always showing up for allthe crisis.
We are seen as the person thatcan handle crisis very well, so
everybody always comes to us toput out fires.
We are everybody's firefighter,and we end up putting others
(03:57):
before ourself because we'rethinking about other people's
needs and we're thinking abouthow we can help them save them,
how we can make their lifeeasier without thinking about
how this impacts us.
But if you're the one that'salways getting up don't worry
girl, I got you.
I'm here for you.
Lay on me.
Tell me what's up.
But never, you don't feel likeyou're able to do the same for
(04:20):
someone else.
Maybe you're a strong one.
If you've ever felt thatunspoken pressure to perform
emotional perfection.
Shea, what are you talkingabout, bro?
I'm trying to tell you, girl,emotional perfection, like you
just don't feel, you can't,you're allowed to break down.
(04:41):
You can't look like you don'thave it all together.
You don't feel safe enough orthat maybe this will discredit
you in being able to be therefor others because you are
showing that you got it alltogether, that you can't, you
can't fall apart.
You end up being this beacon ofstrength and we are then forced
(05:02):
into this cycle of emotionalperfection, having to have the
perfect emotional responses.
Anytime someone says something,us to us, despite that it might
be hurtful, despite that wemight wanna cry despite that.
We might wanna be angry.
Despite that, we might feel likeyelling despite the impacts it
has on us, but we continue tostay silent and just act as if.
(05:25):
We are the most mature person inthe room and we just take it,
and that's not it.
And, this is so common,especially for us women and
those of us in Bipoccommunities, like just.
It's just a generationalinfluence.
We have to have it togetherbecause I'd say as a black
woman, if you show too manyemotions, you're too emotional
(05:47):
or you're seen as the angryblack woman, or you're seen as
bitter.
So you have so much resentmentthat if we show an ounce of
feeling or emotions, we'rediscredited immediately that we
can't handle it.
But then when we do emotionallyregulate.
And we might actually show thisemotional perfection.
Then we dehumanize ourselvesbecause then everybody thinks
(06:07):
that we can handle everythingthat we don't need a shoulder to
cry on that nothing impacts us.
So they keep on throwing morethings at us and also.
I'll admit in the community youmight hear crying is for the
weak.
What's crying gonna do for you?
Crying's not gonna solvenothing.
So we don't even give ourselvesa chance to sit within our
(06:29):
emotions and acknowledge it andjust be attuned to ourselves.
And what's the reward for thisemotional perfection?
Burnout.
Emotional invisibility andisolation.
Because we then don'tcommunicate or talk about our
struggles, and now we feel likewe're in this cycle by ourselves
just being alone.
(06:50):
And I have a quote that's prettymuch like the strong friend is
often the loneliest one in theroom because how often as you
being the strong one, do yourfriends check in on you?
I find it interesting that in mygroup of friends we have all
been or are the strong ones forour other friends and.
(07:12):
It's kind of funny, like forinstance, with my ing, like when
me and her talk, like we just onand on and on and on and on for
each other, but we allowourselves to be vulnerable with
each other.
Vulnerable.
Vulnerable with one another.
And we talk about the thingsthat are bothering us.
And of course, because we'reboth one of women of color, we
have.
Sometimes similar experiences,similar feelings, and we're able
(07:35):
to lean on each other, cry toone another and all of that.
But when we go to like our otherfriends, we may not feel as
comfortable doing that becausewe're the ones that hold it
together for the other friends.
Like you, you can't just, Ican't be breaking down in front
of you all the time becausesometimes inadvertently I might
(07:56):
think, wow, maybe they're notstrong enough to hold me and I
have to be the strong one forthem.
But again, that's isolating.
Luckily I have my ting so Idon't have to feel isolated.
But, being the strong one isthe, being the loneliest one in
the room.
It, it really sucks.
So, but Shea, I'm so tired ofbeing strong.
I do wanna relax.
(08:17):
I do wanna be soft.
I don't wanna always beresilient.
I don't always wanna save theday.
So what is the soft life you'retalking about?
And we've all been hearing aboutsoft life.
I love this for us as women ofcolor, honestly, just also as
women too, that we are nowstarting to give ourselves
permission to rest.
Permission to receive andpermission to exist without
(08:40):
urgency.
Yes, you are more thansomebody's next crisis saver.
Okay.
And that's why I meant when Isay soft era living, soft life
living, it's not just about theluxurious aesthetics you're
seeing on Pinterest or Instagramor TikTok, which, but like I
said, that's okay if you do thatbecause I'm a luxury girly too.
(09:02):
I love that stuff.
But.
It's really the leisure of thepermission to rest, receive, and
like I said, exists withouturgency.
It looks like saying no withoutguilt.
It looks like being emotionallyexpressive without shame.
It looks like creating peace.
And not just by avoidingconflict, like you don't just
(09:25):
say, oh no, I'm not going todeal with that.
Like you're avoiding'causeyou're afraid of it.
No.
You have a boundary in placestating that this is not above
my boundary.
This is not going to be for meto have to solve.
I have to put me first, and ifthis is a situation or a
conflict, that's gonna have mecompromise me.
(09:46):
It's not for me and I am goingto say no to it.
And that's not avoiding, dad'sactually being pretty direct.
I'm not going to do this i's a ano.
And like we said, saying nowithout guilt.
And then also prioritizing joyand stillness.
We have often felt like we'vebeen punished for being still
(10:08):
because this stillness or softlife says that we're lazy, we're
selfish, or we're avoided, andthose are misconceptions.
You're not selfish.
And also, even if you are alittle selfish, go ahead.
Because if you've never beenselfish for yourself, let's
start today.
Because you deserve to be apriority.
(10:28):
You deserve to just rest.
You deserve to just exist andbe, you're allowed to do that.
So give yourself permission toenter this soft life and you
know that mixes come to our nextreflection.
Where in your life are youchoosing productivity over
peace?
(10:49):
Where have you been?
Pretty much living by themessage that if I'm not
productive, then I'm not worthyof rest.
I have not earned my rest.
I don't deserve my rest.
And if those are some of thethings that you tell yourself,
and that's why in your life youend up choosing productivity
(11:11):
over piece, whether that's inyour friend group.
Your family or work or whereverin your life, we really need to
rethink because remember, inorder to have a soft life, you
gotta have, you gotta giveyourself permission to rest,
receive, and you are allowed toexist without urgency.
But think about that.
(11:32):
Where in your life right now areyou choosing productivity over
peace?
But I understand because it'shard to let go of a mindset
that.
Honestly, it was unconsciouslybuilt for us, and we didn't
realize it was being builtaround us.
It wasn't intentional for us,but it was intentional for the
ones that gave us the meaning ofthis wall that now we've built
(11:52):
against vulnerability and beingable to let go.
So we end up having this tensionbetween softness and
responsibility.
It then becomes really difficultfor us to choose ourselves
because we're like, no, but Istill have this to do and that
to do, and if I don't do it, whowill type of thing.
Right, that internalizedmessage.
(12:13):
If I don't do it, who will?
And I know we've all had thatthought.
I've had that at work.
I used to work at a agency forliterally about six years, and I
was one, and I think I mentionedthis in a previous episode,
previous session of ours, I wasone of the top performing.
If not the top.
(12:33):
And that's not to toot my horn.
It is just because I know Iwrote the SOPs, I made the deals
with the people.
I went and I got stuff done whennobody knew the answer, I found
it.
So when you end up being thebook, the quote unquote
knowledge in the room, everybodyasked as if there's no way they
can support you or that, oh,it's okay.
(12:56):
Shay will take care of it.
Or they got it, da da, da, da.
But.
It also gives you that sense of,on your shoulders, this heavy
weight that no, if I don't doit, who will?
I know I can get it done.
I trust myself to get it done,but it means we don't trust the
other people around us to followthrough.
(13:17):
That's horrible.
And then also another fear.
If we're the strong friend andwe're resisting letting go is
because we fear disappointingour loved ones, and that's
understandable.
We, trust me.
I always tell people that I feardisappointing my mother more
than making her angry becausedisappointment hurts way more
than her anger.
(13:37):
I'd rather she yell, I'd rathershe throw a fit or I'd rather
she just do a whole bunch ofstuff rather than to look at me
with disappointment in her eyes.
It is the heaviest wound toburden.
But I understand why you, as astrong friend would resist
letting go because you're afraidof disappointing others, or that
you might be a person thatbelieves that love is earned
(13:59):
through labor.
I can't just expect people tolove me.
I gotta show them why I amworthy of love, so I have to do
it through labor.
I gotta work and earn the love.
And that's really hard.
If everybody in your life makesyou feel like you have to earn
love, what is the purpose ofthat?
When do you stop earning?
When does the goalpost stopmoving?
(14:21):
So I'm gonna tell you, this ishow we're gonna start regaining
control for ourselves in ourlife, and funny enough to regain
control in order to get tosoftness.
You gotta release it.
You gotta release the controland the guilt because you have
to name the fear that is beneaththis control.
And you gotta ask yourself, whyam I afraid?
(14:42):
What am I afraid will happen ifI stop managing everything?
What was gonna happen?
Are people gonna fail?
Are people gonna be upset thatit didn't go right?
Maybe.
But then this teaches others howto also manage these different
crises.
You gotta let people grow.
You gotta let people do theirthing.
(15:03):
But if that is your fear, whatelse though?
What else are you afraid of willhappen if you stop doing
everything and let's reframe.
Letting go as a space.
This is a beautiful space thatwe're not dropping people.
We're just choosing pressing,ugh.
We're choosing presence overperformance.
(15:25):
I'm choosing to exist.
I'm choosing to be more than mynext task.
My self worth is not based on myperformance.
It's not attached to my selfworth that we are, like I said,
we're more than this.
So we were framing, letting goas I'm making space for myself
(15:48):
and use both an and languagegirl.
What you talking about rightnow?
Hello.
Hold on, hang with me.
Hang tight with me.
This is what I mean by that.
We, we can be caring and haveboundaries.
I can love others deeply andchoose myself.
I can be there for others and Ican rely on others to be there
(16:11):
for me.
And both.
Life is about duality.
It doesn't have to be about thisextreme, part on the spectrum
where you have to be.
All in or all out.
You can have both.
You can be caring, you can beloving, you can be there and
(16:32):
still want others there for you,and still have your boundaries
and still be able to putyourself first without fearing
that you're abandoning otherpeople.
And this is hard.
But in order to get to that, wehave to practice micro releases.
So small releases.
We want to, don't start with thebiggest task.
(16:53):
Start with something small.
Like instead of you being theone that controls everybody's
itinerary or being the one thatplans all the outings, let
someone else plan the outing,let the text go and answer for a
few hours.
Remember, you are allowed toexist without urgency.
Let that text go unanswered.
(17:14):
It was fine.
It's not a nine one one.
Call it, it's okay, and if itis, they'll end up calling you.
To be quite honest.
And another way is you can say,I need a moment to think about
that.
Give yourself time.
This is how you actually takeback control of your softness
that you actually reintegratedinto your life by letting go all
(17:39):
of these other expectations thatyou are only worth your
performance.
And also.
Remember when I mentioned thatwe can protect our softness and
we can engage in it withoutabandoning who we are.
So you can create soft buffers.
You could do 30 minutes ofsilence before or after high
(18:00):
emotion interactions.
You could journal after toughconversations to return to you.
Take time to return to you.
We are attuning to ourselvesbecause remember, we've been
putting others in front of usfor so long, we've become
detached.
From us, so we need to come backto ourselves.
We can create soft boundarieswith languages.
(18:21):
Like, I wanna show up for youfully, but I'm not in the
emotional space right now.
Or, can I get back to youtomorrow?
I'm in a restoration mode, andtrust me, the ones who love you
will get it.
Me and my friends do this witheach other now.
Actually, quite often if I feellike I have a very emotionally
charged conversation that'sabout to come out, I end up.
(18:44):
Asking my friends do you havespace for me emotionally right
now?
Especially not only, butespecially because I am attuned
to other people's feelings.
I do notice when people's moodsare off, but even if it's not
off, I'm still gonna ask becauseI don't know, maybe you don't
have the space for me right now,and that's okay.
That's not offensive.
That's you protecting yoursoftness.
And we have to remember and seeit that way.
This is not rejection.
(19:05):
This is allowing our friends toengage their boundaries and to
respect themselves.
Boundaries are an act ofself-love, and then also you can
guard your joy, make joynon-negotiable.
It is not an option.
We are here to create our joy.
We're not allow other people totake it.
(19:27):
Protect your laughter.
Your stillness, your solitude.
They're so precious and youdeserve it all.
Protect it and have your softcircle.
Surround yourself with peoplewho honor your softness, not
just your strength.
And that's important becausethese are the people who gonna
encourage your restoration.
(19:49):
These are the people who aregonna check in and be like, Hey,
did you take time for yourself?
Hey, how are you doing?
I noticed you were having a hardday.
Are you all right?
Oh girl, don't even worry aboutit.
I know life's been tough.
I understand if you've been offthe map, you're just trying to
get yourself together, create acircle of softness.
These people are so needed.
(20:09):
I'm so appreciative of my ing ofCarla.
I have Tasha, like I'm justsaying there.
I have so many people in my lifethat create this allowance of
healing and softness and justchill.
And then when we need to bethere for each other, we show up
and whatnot.
I love it.
Like it's not question that ifone of us is not talking or
(20:30):
something that we don't love,that we end up, not that we're
not loving the person.
Like what?
No, I'm still here for you.
So ask yourself though aboutyour current circle.
Do they give as much as theytake?
Do you feel safe to be soft?
Just take a moment with that.
(20:51):
Remember?
You do not have to be everythingto everyone in order to be
worthy of love.
You don't have to be everythingto everyone in order to be
worthy of love.
And now we're gonna get backinto, with that being said, I
(21:15):
want you to start now embracingradical self-love through
self-loving.
And radical self-love isembracing all parts of yourself
rested, raw and realvulnerability.
Authenticity like it is requirednot only for connections with
other, but connections withourselves.
I mentioned that in I twosessions ago when we talked
(21:38):
about vulnerability.
You need to have that foryourself.
Radical self-love is needed forthe strong ones.
I need you to embrace all ofyourself.
And ways you can begin.
This is doing inner childcheck-ins and that's a way of
sitting with yourself talking toyour most wounded self, the self
that needed love, a hug thatembraced the most that needed to
(22:00):
hear.
You're doing enough, you're soenough, you're so loved.
That part of you whatever age,even though we typically say
inner child and that's I don'tknow, people think about five,
10 years old.
Your inner child can be whateverthat most hurtful part of your
life was.
My inner child is actuallyaround the age of 21 and 22.
(22:24):
She's around there and often Itypically have to sit with her
and it's okay.
Find that inner child and checkin with yourself.
How are you feeling?
My love.
Are you okay?
It's okay.
I notice you're coming out more.
I notice that you're bringingout that armor.
We don't need that.
It's okay to be soft here.
Implement some daily rituals ofsoftness, such as stretching,
(22:47):
breath work, journaling, or justa nice hot cup of tea.
And if you're a coffee drinker,that's fine too.
Make some moments for yourselfand dedicate to just being,
still have that tea or coffeeand sit at the table, look at
the sun, come up.
Maybe the evening, do somestretching.
(23:09):
Don't do coffee in the eveningand do a herbal tea.
Just, caffeine or do somestretching, just some soft
movements, allowing your body towake up and or just toned or
wind down in a soft, likewithout it being rushed, a
blaring alarm.
That's why I also recommend whenyou pick your alarms, I know we
(23:31):
often tend to go for the mostlike.
Like gut wrenching ones.
I say gut wrenching, but soalarming.
Like they just shock you, likeyou wake up with an urgency.
And remember, soft living isabout existing without urgency.
Pick that soft melody, letyourself.
Wake up to softness.
Start the day.
Soft.
(23:52):
I know often we're like, oh, I'mnot gonna listen.
I'm not gonna hear it.
Well, at least don't pick thealarm.
That's like, eh, eh, eh, eh,like so loud.
That is it's more of like,almost like you're waking up
with a heart attack, yourheart's racing.
You wanna pick something that'sgonna allow you to softly start
your day and move about.
Also, some other things we cando to begin embracing radical
(24:13):
self-love is self-forgiveness.
That compassion.
Allow yourself to make mistakes.
Mistakes are a part of life.
Now, of course, if there's apattern and you've been doing
something for a long time, yeah,get that together, especially
it's harmful, but also knowyou're not gonna be perfect.
It's okay.
(24:35):
Sit with yourself and forgiveyourself.
Because when we keep shamingourselves, then we keep shaming
ourselves into emotionalperfection, and we're not
perfect.
We're allowed to break down.
We're allowed to fall apart.
We're allowed to not have ittogether and forgive yourself
for not having it together.
Forgive yourself for being sostrict on yourself.
Forgive yourself for allowingyourself to be stuck in this
(24:58):
cycle of resilience andstrength.
Allow yourself to forgive andreframing your boundaries are an
act of self love.
Boundaries are here for you toprotect your heart, protect your
peace, protect your joy, protectyour laughter, your smile,
protect your stillness.
(25:20):
Boundaries are an act ofself-love.
Remember, softness is not theopposite of strength.
It is your birth right.
Okay, you got this, and nowwe're gonna go into.
Additional ways that we're gonnacontinue to shift from us being
(25:41):
the strong friend who wants tostart now being more soft with
ourselves.
Here are some boundaries thatyou can try and you can practice
with for the next two weeks isscripted boundaries.
Such as I love you, but I can'tbe your safe space right now.
I need time for me.
And you don't have to say itlike that.
(26:02):
Same thing I tell my clients.
You don't need to say it likeyour therapist.
You need to say it in your ownwords, but say it assertively.
We're not, we don't have to berude about it.
We don't have to be nasty aboutit.
We don't have to come off supertough about it.
We're practicing softness.
We're shifting.
You are allowed to be soft.
You can say I love you, and thatusually disarms people anyways,
(26:24):
because we're reassuring themthat we're not abandon them.
We're just saying, I love you.
That doesn't stop.
Just because I want time formyself right now because some
friends might feel defensivebecause this is new for them,
and it's okay to tell them thatthis is more about me.
Honestly it is less about you.
I'm trying to be there formyself more, and I love you.
(26:45):
I'll always be here for you, butright now, in this moment, I
need space for myself.
So again, I love you, but Ican't be your safe space right
now.
I need time for me.
Or you can try.
Like I mentioned, like when meand my friends do, when we have
things to say to other people,can I be vulnerable with you for
a moment?
And sometimes you actually mightbe surprised, your friends might
(27:08):
be happy that you're actuallyopening up to them because they
might feel like, dang, like shenever opens up to me.
And she's never, I've never seenher cry, like, is she okay?
I feel afraid to go up to herbecause she never asks for
anything or anytime that I doask, she's always saying that
she's fine, but it doesn't feellike she's fine.
Trust those people.
Trust.
(27:28):
These people that you love somuch that you'd go over and
beyond for to help them, givethem the opportunity to go over
and beyond for you sometimes.
So go ahead and practicesometime in these next two weeks
asking, can I be vulnerable withyou for a moment?
Ask for small help.
It doesn't have to be super big.
(27:49):
It could be one small ask aweek.
Hey, can you help me out withthis topic that I have to talk
about?
Hey, can I soundboard with youabout a bit?
Blah, blah.
Hey, can I soundboard with you abit on this piece?
I just want to, I wanna hear howthis sounds out loud.
I would love your opinion, or ifit's something small, like, Hey,
(28:13):
what are some restaurantsuggestions you have?
Hey, for our next girl trip,what are some things you're
into?
What are some things you wouldwanna do on there?
Can you actually take up ondoing the driving this time?
Or can you take this, can youlook into the restaurant
suggestions?
I'm gonna go look into thehotel.
Small things, small things.
(28:34):
But for the next two weeks, justdo some, just help yourself
practice.
And we want to continue workingon building reciprocal
relationships.
Let people show up for you.
Like I said, we have to allowpeople the chance to show up for
you, and this also will help youlet you know who are the people
that are there for you and carefor you, and those who may just
(28:55):
be super reliant on just yourstrength.
Remember, relationships taketwo.
It can't be drain drain fromyou.
And I'm not saying you have tocut those people off.
You just might have to makestrong boundaries.
And that just means letting themreally know when you have space
for them.
Like not allowing yourself to beaccessible like that anymore.
'cause if they only come aroundwhen something's going down, we
(29:17):
gotta train people how to treatus.
So teach them, put that boundarythere.
And then maybe if you'd like.
Create your own softness,ritual.
Check-in some of those thingsthat I talked about before.
Journaling, stretching tea,inner child check-ins.
You can create a visual ordigital version of this, like on
(29:39):
I IG or printer shoe.
You might just actually check.
Put that in the search box andyou'll see softness, rituals,
checklists show up, and theseare some ways you could take
time to help yourself shift tomore of the soft era or soft
living.
So my loves, I hope this waswhat you needed.
(30:01):
I hope that you being the strongone, you allow yourself to
start.
It is daunting because you'redoing a whole mindset and
lifestyle shift.
And of course, with any shift,there will be some resistance.
Be prepared for the resistance.
It will happen.
I'm not gonna say it's supereasy.
Sometimes you'll do somethinglofty per se, and you'll just be
(30:22):
sitting there putting a soundbath on and maybe some lo-fi
music and chilling withyourself, and that small voice
is saying, but you didn't domuch today.
Why are you being lazy?
And you have to practiceself-compassion when that inner
critic appears and remindyourself.
That your worth is not attachedto your productivity.
(30:43):
You are allowed to rest.
You are allowed to release, youare allowed to live guiltless.
You are allowed to just be instillness without urgency.
So we are shifting now frombeing strong all the time to
being soft with intentions.
(31:05):
And I invite you guys to thisjournal prompt to take with you
from today.
What part of me is asking to beheld more gently this season.
What part of me is be, what partof me is asking to be held more
gently this season and take timewith yourself.
(31:26):
We're gonna work on those gentleinvitations because you deserve
them.
If you loved what you hear todayor you wanna reach out to me
about what you've been doingthroughout the week to practice
your softness, don't hesitate toreach out to me.
I would love to hear you guys'success and even some of your
(31:47):
struggles.
I'm happy to be here.
For you.
Of course I do have my ownboundaries.
I'm d and d.
Just because we on the internetwebs, I know we have this thing
that thinks instantgratification, 24 hour
accessibility.
I'm gonna get to your messagewhen I'm able to get to your
message.
'cause I do have life happeningin the background, but it
(32:07):
doesn't mean I care any less.
I'm here.
I love you all and I can't waitto hear ways.
You're gonna be more gentle withyourself this season and how
you're gonna invite softnessinto your life with more
intention.
So please reach out to me, shareand tag so that we can continue
conversations as a community.
Reach out to me at Shift Happenswith Shay on Instagram.
(32:29):
I am starting up my Pinterest.
TikTok is slowly coming along,so you can still find me on all
of those as shift happens withShay.
I'm on Facebook as well, but themain place you'll see my work or
my podcast or whatnot, will beYouTube shorts or TikTok and
Instagram mostly.
Instagram is mostly where I'mat, but trust me, I'll reply to
(32:50):
a DM on any of those any ofthose platforms.
And if you are looking toseriously want to work with me,
you can look me up on.
LinkedIn, Han Moore King.
I'm on there.
I share my work on there.
I'm networking.
I'm available on there too,within reasons.
But yes, pleased.
(33:12):
And if you see anything on mypage that excites you and you're
sharing tag and share thismessage with a friend that you
felt really needed it, and youjust already was thinking about
her, not only just yourself, butsomeone else that you thought
needed this conversation, shareit.
I would love to hear from themtoo.
And with that, I do want us toend with one final affirmation,
(33:34):
and you can say it with me oryou could repeat after me, or
you could just say it in yourmind.
It's okay.
I release the need to performstrength.
I am allowed to rest, receive,and rise in softness.
Good.
All right, my loves.
I adore you.
(33:54):
I can't wait to have more foryou.
I'm still working on myproducts.
They're almost done.
I gotta take pictures.
Still working on my website.
I'm so excited about releasingthat to you guys and bringing in
the joy of making our own magic,our own razzle dazzle into our
world, and I can't wait till wetalk again.
I love you all.
(34:15):
Have an amazing day.
You are beautiful.
You deserve the world, and reachout to me and let me know what
you want more of.
You can also email me at ShiftHappens with shea@gmail.com.
Love you all.
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