March 16, 2025 • 45 mins
What if the key to deeper, more fulfilling relationships isn’t perfection, but vulnerability? In this episode of Shift Happens with Shay, we’re breaking down why emotional openness is a superpower—not a weakness.
We’ve all been there: wanting to connect, but fearing rejection, judgment, or appearing "too much." The truth? Vulnerability is the foundation of trust, intimacy, and meaningful relationships—whether romantic, platonic, or professional.
✨ In this episode, we’ll explore:
✔️ Why vulnerability is essential for strong connections
✔️ How to move past the fear of opening up
✔️ Practical ways to embrace emotional authenticity without feeling overly exposed
✔️ How vulnerability builds trust, confidence, and deeper intimacy
If you've ever struggled with letting your guard down, this conversation will help you reframe vulnerability as a strength—not something to hide.
🎧 Tune in now on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts!
🔗 Let’s continue the conversation: Connect with me on Instagram, LinkedIn, and Pinterest @ShiftHappensWithShay.
💬 How do you feel about vulnerability in relationships? Drop your thoughts in the comments or leave a review!
#VulnerabilityIsStrength #AuthenticConnections #DeepConversations #EmotionalWellness
Continue the conversation with Shay on her Instagram, Facebook page, website, and linkedIn! You can also email Shay at shifthappenswithshay@gmail.com if you are looking for insight about your life, send your stories, or request topics you would like to address.
Please note this podcast is not a substitution for therapy, if you require assistance with exploring trauma, deeper relationship issues, or more please reach out to establish care.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hey there, and welcome to ShiftHappens with Shea.
I'm Shea, your host and licensedmarriage and family therapist.
This podcast is where we diveinto all the shift life throws
our way, whether it'srelationships, mental health,
personal growth, or justfiguring out this crazy journey
of adulting.
Here, we're all about honestconversation, real stories, and
a whole lot of laughs as wetackle life's challenges
(00:22):
together.
This is your space to grow,explore, and feel seen.
So grab a cozy spot, maybe a cupof coffee or a wine, and let's
get ready to shift through itall.
Thanks for tuning in, andremember, no matter what life
brings us, we're in thistogether.
Welcome back guys to anothersession.
I am so excited to talk to youguys about today's topic.
(00:47):
And it is, we are here at thepower of vulnerability, and
we're going to talk about howbeing real strengthens our
relationships.
Last time we talked aboutrewriting our narrative.
I hope you guys took the time toreally think about some of the
things we discussed in thereabout how you can be true to
you, how you can limit thoselimited beliefs, how you can get
(01:08):
rid of them.
I hope you've actually comecloser to identifying what your
limiting beliefs were and Tookthe actionable steps that we
talked about so that you couldstart rewriting or reauthoring
your personal narrative gettingrid of Everybody else's thoughts
about you and creating a moreself compassionate and empowered
version of you So in lastepisode we did talk about
(01:32):
vulnerability being in there,too Because we have to debunk
some of the BS out there aboutvulnerability.
Vulnerability is a strength inour relationships.
It is a necessary part inconnecting with others.
And I find that today isimportant since we are
(01:54):
continuing our series aroundembracing change and empowering
yourself.
Vulnerability in itself.
Like for me personally,vulnerability is an ongoing
journey.
I love it now, but it was verydifficult before because I
always saw it as possibly beinga weakness or maybe not being
emotionally stable at somepoint.
(02:15):
If I was too emotional or tooattuned to my feelings, I'll say
when it came to work, we're now,of course, a family of five, but
back in the day, it was justthree of us.
It was me, my sister, Nia, andmy mom.
So we always were seen as thethree musketeers.
When.
I probably, I'm pretty sure Idid mention this in our first
(02:36):
like full session, episode two,when my dad was no longer in the
picture.
And I say that like physicallypresent in my teenage years, I
did become more aware of whatwas going on in the dynamics
between my mom and my dad.
Child support, whatever, all ofthat stuff.
I did become more aware tothough.
My mom did her best to notexpose us.
(02:57):
You start to hear things.
So of course you're more aware.
You're, you become, you start todevelop your own insight, your
own biases about situations.
So my mom always, for therecord, spoke great about my
dad.
Like she never told us to.
Disrespect him, disregard him,dismiss him, none of that stuff.
(03:21):
She did everything and still tothis day continues to do
everything in her power for usto have a healthy relationship
with my dad.
Though me and my sister haveinformed her to kind of step
back from that role becausebeing adults now we are in
charge of our relationship.
with our parents.
And I feel vice versa.
Parents are responsible fortheir relationship with their
(03:43):
adult children.
It's not just a, I'm a mom and adad.
You need to make all the effortsto speak with me.
It goes both ways here.
So going back, cause a littlebit of that is why I don't
really speak to my dad rightnow.
Going back to that when hewasn't really there, I don't
know when I decided to do it, orif it was a conscious.
(04:04):
Thought of yes, this is yourrole.
But I think over time I just gotnot tired, but it hurts to see
my mom hurt.
It hurts to see my sister hurt.
It hurts to see them met withrejection or despair.
So somewhere in my being it justfelt you know what?
(04:24):
You got to be the strong one foryour family.
You have to uplift your mom anduplift your sister.
You have to make sure yoursister's on the right path
because your mom already has somuch to deal with.
And nobody told me to take thatrole.
Nobody said I had to be thestrong one.
The message just developed and Ifeel like sometimes we put
(04:47):
ourselves in these roles becausewe think a situation requires us
to step up.
But I'm like in my teenageyears, like I'm at this point.
I think I could feel, I feellike I could remember things
around 16 more clearly, butsomewhere around that time of
15, 16, maybe even 14, like thatrole started to come even more
(05:10):
defined, become more definedthat I had to be strong from my
mother.
I had to be understandable.
I had to be reasonable.
There's no reason to be actingout, to be doing.
The utmost it's just not yourmom goes through enough were
some of the things that wouldring through my mind So I always
took it upon myself that if Mymom was crying or my sister was
(05:34):
crying.
I had to do everything in mypower to make sure the house was
okay.
That nothing rocked or fellapart that I had to carry that
responsibility on my shoulders.
That if they were down for thecount, it's okay.
I could hold that space.
I can do it.
They can cry.
They can take this moment.
They need it more than I do.
(05:55):
I don't need to do that.
I am stronger than this.
And I.
Took the role as my father ormore of the protector and I had
no room to be doing that when Iwas still developing my own
Emotional regulationsunderstanding myself.
(06:18):
I really didn't understandmyself that much I just always
saw me as the strong one andthat was also in my friendships
to like you're the strong oneYou're the reasonable one You're
you know, you got it togetherYou know, what's expected of
you.
So you have to keep it together.
If not you, who else?
So I really did take that role.
(06:38):
And when it came to my family, Inot because I didn't trust them,
or maybe I didn't becausevulnerability requires trust and
exposure to harm from lovedones, hoping that they won't
harm you.
Maybe I didn't trust that my momcould keep it together.
Maybe I didn't trust that mysister could get it right on her
(06:59):
own without me.
Maybe I did feel that it was upto me and only I could do it.
Only I could shoulder mymother's pain.
Only I could push my mom forwardand let her know that she did
get it right.
Only I, like I mentioned, canget my sister on the right path.
If I am the I guess it soundslike perfection, then the blue,
(07:28):
the blueprints already there.
They don't have to go throughthe hardship.
I'll go through the hardship.
And that's a lot ofresponsibility to unconsciously
take at the age of 16.
I can't remember what age itwas, but I always do remember my
sister telling me in one of ourconversations that I didn't need
(07:48):
a father.
I didn't need you to be dad.
I needed my sister.
I just need my big sister.
And.
I'm sure that was years, wayyears later, I'm pretty sure
like young adult, like in mytwenties when she told me that
and I backed away a lot.
I backed off because that's whenI actually consciously realized
(08:10):
what I was doing.
So for about maybe, I don'tknow, six years or so, I just
was out and about being theprotector thinking I'm doing
everything right.
I was not relying on my family.
If I was going throughsomething, my family would not
know.
If I needed help, my, I wouldnot ask my family and not
(08:30):
because they could not providefor me.
But in my head, I'm the strongone.
I have to have it together.
You have to have it alltogether.
You're the oldest sister.
You have to be an example toyour younger sister.
I had to figure it out.
Not because my mom forced me tobecause she didn't.
I had it in my head that no, youare better than that.
(08:52):
You don't require help.
You can do it.
And one of the things wherevulnerability is that we can't
do vulnerability alone.
You can't.
So definitely over time, Ilearned that vulnerability
wasn't a weakness to cry, to besoft, to wear your heart on your
(09:13):
sleeve.
It is a strength because ittakes a great deal of courage
to.
Be that raw for somebody toreally put who you are taking
off your armor and that mask andpresenting your true self to the
world, hoping that the peopleyou chose in your community,
(09:34):
tribe, circle, whatever word youwould like to use, will not use.
Your weaknesses or, yourinsecurities against you and it
goes very true to what BreneBrown, she's an author,
storyteller, podcaster, speaker,she.
(09:56):
She pretty much did all the workon vulnerability and she says,
staying vulnerable is a risk wehave to take if we want to
experience connection.
It's true.
When you're vulnerable, you'reable to then start trusting
other people with informationabout yourself.
And another quote from her isvulnerability is not about
(10:19):
winning or losing.
It's having the courage to showup and be seen when we have no
control over the outcome.
Vulnerability is not weakness.
It's our greatest measure ofcourage.
So, all of you who are attunedwith yourself, put yourself out
there, despite being afraid ordoubt, any type of emotions that
(10:42):
just make you feel like yourstomach is turning upside down,
you are courageous.
You show us and mypersonification of courage was
my little sister, actually.
She taught me vulnerabilitybecause my sister has always
been in touch with her feelings.
(11:02):
Emotions, whether that was anoutburst, whether it was just
expression, whether that washurt, rejection, humor,
lightness, joy, Denia showed meall of that and she never Tone
down her light for others.
Like she was always that lightfor me.
(11:23):
You probably could hear theemotions in my voice, but my
sister had all of that.
And maybe subconsciously I feltI needed to protect that because
I don't want people to take thatfrom her, something I don't do,
or I choose not to do, or I feelit's hard to do.
She does it with such ease.
(11:44):
My sister is.
Such an amazing person.
She's so amazingly funny,nurturing, and caring.
Honestly, it's a blessing to bewithin her presence.
And I'm so happy I have her inmy life because if she was not
there, I don't think I wouldhave learned what it meant to be
soft and it feels okay.
(12:05):
To cry and lean on others.
She's the only one when I wasyounger that would see emotions
from me.
She's the only one at the timethat actually knew what was
going through my thoughtsbecause I did not express
myself.
I didn't learn to advocate formyself well until my twenties
and That wasn't until after Ifaced two heartbreaks from the
(12:30):
first relationship I guys, Itold you guys about that was
four years long.
And then my dad abandoning meand telling me I was
disrespectful.
I didn't start speaking out formyself until about that time.
And my voice was very distortedthrough anger.
Yes, that is, I guess, anotherstory for another time, but
that's vulnerability in itselfwhen I started to let it out,
(12:51):
but not in the most healthiestof ways, but so just coming
back.
So today, we're going to talkabout why.
Vulnerability is essential formeaningful connections, how to
embrace emotional opennesswithout feeling overly exposed.
And we're going to discusspractical strategies for
(13:12):
cultivating trust inrelationships.
So Homegirl, what isvulnerability?
Tell me.
Okay, so what does this actuallymean in relationships?
We always talk about beingvulnerable.
Is that just being soft?
Is that just me boohooingeverywhere?
This is what Oxford says.
It is the quality Or state ofbeing exposed to the possibility
(13:34):
of being attacked or harm,either physically or
emotionally.
Yeah.
So if we put that in arelational context, you are in a
state where you are consciouslychoosing to expose yourself,
your flaws, insecurities, yourdoubts, your thoughts, all of
(13:54):
that.
To those around you and afteryou give them this ammo You're
still giving them ammo despitethe possibility that they could
attack you or harm you with theammo you have provided That's
what that means.
You telling your best friend,your boyfriend, girlfriend,
spouse, whatever, that this bigthing about you, that you're
(14:17):
afraid that others will judgeyou and persecute you for, and
you are hoping that they don'tjudge or persecute you.
That is vulnerability rightthere in a nutshell.
And some misconceptions aboutvulnerability is that
vulnerability is a weakness.
When in truth, we've just talkedabout it.
It's a form of emotionalcourage.
You know how much courage ittakes to actually sit there and
(14:39):
say the truth about somethingthat's on your mind, the courage
that it took you to get overyour anxiety, to even talk about
it.
Let's be real that takes a lotfrom you and I'm super proud if
you're already doing that and ifyou're not don't hurt yourself
Don't bang yourself shameyourself.
You're doing just fine.
We're learning today You justmay be a late bloomer like how I
(15:01):
was also another myth beingvulnerable means oversharing No,
truth is, it's about intentionalopenness, not trauma dumping.
I always bring this up with youguys because I feel it is
imperative that we just bangthat into our head.
(15:22):
Do not trauma dump on others.
And trauma dumping is sharingtraumatic experiences with other
in an appropriate.
An inappropriate, just want tomake sure you guys hear me
inappropriate or overwhelmingmanner and not considering the
impact on the listener, do notdrop 10 years worth of trauma or
(15:46):
whatever yesterday that you justwent through on others without
considering if they have theemotional capacity to hold space
for you, or if they're even inthe right mindset to even be
there for you.
If you are just dropping stufflike that, that's not being
vulnerable.
That's being traumatized.
That's.
Yeah, that's doesn't form deepconnections.
(16:08):
It forms.
Actually, it's actually reallydifficult to Bond with people
like that because it's such aviolation on your boundaries on
your heart It's an emotionalattack in my opinion And I say
that as a therapist, even thoughin, at work, I'm setting this
boundary, this work professionalthat I'm here for the trauma.
(16:30):
I'm here to be here for you toexplore, to discuss, to state
the facts, what went down yourtraumatic experience as a
friend, just because you know, Ihave the training does not mean
you go and you tell me about atraumatic incident that happened
between you and your brother atthe age of eight.
While we're at dinner.
(16:51):
What?
That's inappropriate as Allcould be.
I really wanted to say AF.
So yes, do not do that.
We are intentionable about ourintentionable.
What?
Forgive me guys.
We are intentional about ouropenness.
We are intentional about whatwe're sharing about ourselves
(17:13):
because it scares us.
If I share this fact about me,will you persecute me?
Will you leave me?
Will you be disgusted by me orintentional?
Vulnerability is needed in orderfor us to foster deeper
emotional intimacy, trust, andconnection in both romantic and
(17:35):
platonic relationships.
Emotional intimacy, just forthose of you guys that need a
little bit of understandingthere, is pretty much close,
trusting connections betweenpeople who share their thoughts
and feelings.
So feeling comfortable,understood, at ease, safe, and
validated by your partner,friend, family, whoever, and
(18:00):
sharing your hopes, fears.
Your dreams, where you feellistened to, and that there is
mutual respect and appreciation.
So again, emotional intimacy isthat close trust and connection
between you and another personwhen you share your thoughts and
your feelings.
(18:20):
And those feelings, you feelreal comfortable with that
person.
Like one of those people for me,I always talk about her all the
time, it's my audieng, Jen.
I feel at ease with her, I feelcomfortable, I feel understood,
and through our over a decade offriendship, I feel like there's
really nothing she doesn't knowabout me to be quite honest at
this point.
Even down to when we share ourexperience with each other, we
(18:44):
hold space and we, already aretalking about the subject of
trauma and abuse or hurt withinour families and whatnot.
And she is the only friend ofmine that I have ever expressed
a trauma to her about a certainincident outside of like my
family members.
I feel at ease with her.
(19:05):
I feel safe and she alwaysvalidates me.
She holds me accountable.
So don't think that she just goeasy on me and just be like,
yep.
Yep.
Yep You write all the time Shay.
No, she hold me accountable.
She do and vice versa But whenyou have that person, you know
who I'm talking about and if youdon't I hope that after this
(19:27):
session you feel comfortableenough to at least try and start
practicing vulnerability so youcan form these deeper emotional
connections with your friends orfamily or whoever you deem
close.
I really hope we could get therefor you because friendships and
sisterhood that you could havewith these other people is It,
(19:50):
there's no words for it.
I guess that's why I'm havingdifficulties really expressing
it because it's It's arelationship like no other and
I'm just so thankful to have thefew in my life that I've been
able to share certain reallyhurtful things or just be open
Or, even just things that I justthought were out of bound or
crazy.
I'm like, Oh my God, should I bethinking these ways?
(20:12):
And it's like, no, it's okay tobe desirable.
It's okay to want pleasure.
It's okay to discuss your sexualneeds and all that other kind of
stuff without feeling shamed.
Even those kinds ofconversations need
vulnerability.
So then I guess let's get into,I know there are some risks and
there are some rewards ofvulnerability.
We mentioned that.
(20:32):
I've been saying the fear ofrejection and judgment.
That is a challenge for beingvulnerable.
And it will always be in yourthought.
Not necessarily, maybe sometimeswe even with the close ones,
like you still have that fear,but not as much.
But when you're first startingto share a bit about yourself
with other people, that fear ofrejection is pretty high in
(20:54):
judgment.
Like I said, we don't like tofeel persecuted.
We don't like to feel different,despite that we do have
differences from other people.
Everybody says, Oh, you want tobe different.
It's good to be different.
But as soon as you start beingdifferent, people look at you
crazy.
Like you do that.
Now, look, I have friends thatdo like silly things or whatnot.
And yes, do I judge?
(21:15):
Yeah.
Is it meant to be hurtful?
No, we laugh about it becauseyou're going to still do you and
I'm not going to love you anyless for doing you at the end of
the day.
And our relationship should beable to express that.
If you need it to be saidverbally, by all means, I can
say it.
But typically most of myfriendships, we don't have to,
we just know it's a joke.
We keep going.
And then we're just like, girl,you're going to do what you want
(21:37):
to do.
And we know we love each otherand we're going to keep doing.
Keep hanging out and keep doingwhatever.
Another challenge for beingvulnerable is our past
experience because we haveexperienced hurt or betrayal.
This makes it difficult to trustothers with anything about
ourselves because our past hasshown us that people just can't
be trusted.
People just want to up, upstageyou, the crab in a barrel.
(21:59):
If I can't be good, you can't begood or deep portrayal.
I definitely do have that withfamily members.
100 percent and unfortunately,our relationship will not be
what maybe she hopes.
It could be, I don't trust her,unfortunately.
And that's just life.
(22:20):
That past experience spoke a lotfor me.
And sometimes people say dangShay, that was so long ago.
You sure you can't forgive her?
And I think it's differentbecause we'll talk about this in
another topic about forgiveness,but my version of forgiveness is
not forgiveness for the otherperson.
It's, I've forgiven myself for.
(22:42):
Thinking I could deem her as asafe space to express myself.
I forgive myself and givecompassion because at the time
that I thought I could justbecause of a label between us I
could be open and that wasprobably one of the first times
I was able to be open and it wasa Horrible betrayal for me.
(23:08):
And I was like, nah, we notdoing that no more.
Ixnay, Ixnay on that.
I'm good.
And even now that we're older, Istill don't, I won't confide my
deepest thoughts and dreams andhopes.
Uncertainties and whatnot tothat person and it is what it
is.
We just have to be okay with theway our relationship is.
(23:30):
So I definitely get that pastexperience with her and betrayal
makes it very difficult for usto be vulnerable because
everybody always tells you thatblood is thicker than water.
God dang.
If your family betray you, thenyou know, shoe who else can you
really count on?
Right?
Same thing with friends if youcount your friends as your
family members, too.
It makes it hard, but then wealso have to trust that not
(23:51):
everybody is like that.
That's vulnerability.
That's courage.
And that's hard.
And, you may struggle.
Another challenge is that youmay struggle with emotional
regulations.
Especially for us who weretaught to toughen up.
We're not used to beingvulnerable, but also know if
you're not used to beingvulnerable with yourself, how
(24:14):
are you going to be vulnerablewith other people?
How are you going to do that toa degree?
Vulnerability cannot be donealone, but there has to be a
sense of insight, someintrospective work done here in
order for you to be vulnerablewith people, such as
understanding why you were toldto toughen up or what do showing
(24:37):
emotions mean?
What would sharing your thoughtsmean to you?
Those are the thoughts you needto be having and use that as a
journal prompt too.
What are the thoughts?
What, how do I think peoplewould treat me?
What does it mean if I exposethis truth about myself to other
people?
How, what does that mean aboutmy narrative?
Go back to that.
Take some moment and some timeto find that out about yourself.
(25:00):
Because once you understand whyyou're afraid, not that it makes
it any easier, but it sureenough, at least makes you feel
more empowered because you nowknow yourself a little bit more
and you can navigate a biteasier.
So when you clarify yourself toyour trusted circle, they will
understand.
They get it.
(25:21):
Now they can connect andexperience in a moment in time
that you tend to experiencewhenever you are trying to feel
vulnerable or you are resistingvulnerability.
But the rewards, if we embraceinvulnerability, like
vulnerability, we increase trustand emotional safety with one
another.
(25:42):
Autumn, like I mentioned, if Ican relate and understand that
whenever we have conversationsabout XYZ, that you were
experiencing this event fromwhen you were 15, wow, it shows
me a lot.
That lets me know what versionof you I'm encountering and how
to help soothe her.
If you are not able to sootheyourself in that moment, you're
(26:03):
trusting me.
Yes, this also strengthens yourbonds and your friendships, your
families, and your romanticrelationships.
Again, you're letting us see aside of you that you've held
away.
Do you know how honored peoplefeel?
Us healthy people.
How we feel to be let in?
That is a great honor.
(26:25):
I mention it to most of myclients thank you for being
vulnerable with me.
Thank you for sharing that withme because just because I have
the title as your therapist doesnot automatically entitle me to
your vulnerability, to yourauthenticity.
It doesn't entitle that you tellme everything about yourself.
Not at all.
(26:46):
We have to build thatconnection.
I have to create this emotionalsafe space for you.
I just went through this with myclient yesterday, and I was so
proud of her for, for opening upto me.
And, oh my goodness, I'm justsaying she was afraid that I
would persecute and judge her,feeling of shame around her, and
(27:11):
even at the end of all that, Istill thanked her for sharing
and let her know, girl, I wouldnever.
Judge you, you're here, you'rehere for healing and to be quite
honest, don't feel ashamed.
It's the best your version ofyourself could do at the time.
I'm just proud that you actuallyfelt okay telling me.
(27:31):
That took a lot of courage forher.
I'm so proud of her.
So again, this also enhances ourcommunication and again, again,
why I keep saying again andauthenticity.
When you're able to embracevulnerability, you empower your
words.
You, because you know how youfeel, you'll know your thoughts,
(27:53):
and you'll be able to clearlycommunicate that with others.
And others start to reallyunderstand who you truly are.
Vulnerability is so amazing,isn't it?
But Shay, for those of us thatwere taught to toughen up, I
don't know, this thing is scary.
What do I got to do to be morecomfortable with it?
(28:15):
Start small.
I never tell you guys to justjump into the ocean and swim.
If you can't swim, that's crazy.
No, you got to learn baby steps.
Let's put our feet in the water.
Let's actually get used to thefeeling of the sea.
Start small.
We're going to share ourfeelings in low stake situations
first.
(28:35):
So like with a trusted friend,take the time to tell them
something that's been on yourmind.
Whether that's about anotherfriend, whether that's about a
situation at work, whetherthat's about a mini test.
Doubt or you felt insecure aboutyour friendship with that friend
(28:56):
and it was just rooted inintimidation because of X, Y, Z
that happened to you in thepast.
Yes.
Low stakes situations.
And they're low stakes becausethis is already a person you
deemed trustworthy.
You are not going out of yourway.
I'm not telling you to go make anew friend and then go ahead and
(29:16):
start telling them everythingthat day.
No, start small.
You already have trustedfriends.
Start with them.
We're gonna recognize safespaces.
Remember earlier I mentionedthat.
We have to identify emotionallysafe people who respect your
openness.
We have to be able to identify aperson who is not going to shame
(29:38):
us or judge us or Persecute us,violate us, invalidate us in any
type of way emotionally when weare trying to be open.
It takes time.
Because I am for one do notbelieve everybody is meant to be
a safe space for you Everybodyis not meant to be your
(29:59):
emotional safe space.
You need to hold discernment Itneeds to feel right and when you
come out of those conversationswith those friends or family
members that you come outfeeling Okay, I'm not saying
every conversation will be thebest but you don't come out
feeling more shamed Or guiltyabout who you are as a person,
(30:21):
when you are open, opening up.
So recognize safe spaces, thenwe're going to communicate our
boundaries.
Y'all know, we talked about thisa few sessions ago, and we're
always going to come back toboundaries.
It comes up and I feel likeevery one of our sessions,
because it is just thatimportant.
(30:41):
Vulnerability is not aboutsharing everything with
everyone.
It's about sharing wisely.
Just because I trust you doesnot mean you can disrespect me.
Again, that's why we have theseboundaries.
Just because I trust you doesnot mean you can disrespect me.
(31:02):
Vulnerability isn't aboutrespect.
We just said in the last pointthat we need to identify safe
people who respect our openness.
So share wisely.
We ain't got to shareeverything.
Next is self compassion.
Be kind to yourself when you'repracticing vulnerability.
It takes time to unlearn oldpatterns.
(31:25):
It's gonna take time for us torewire that inner critic in your
head that keeps telling you thatyou're not enough, you're just
weird, you're different, thatstupid, da da, da, da.
It's gonna take time to rewirethose so that you start telling
yourself.
It's okay.
I'm learning to be better.
I didn't know what I know now.
(31:45):
I didn't have the tools I neededto succeed like I do now.
That version of me was doing thebest with what she had.
That was how she knew how to dothings and I'm just here to do
better.
I thank her for getting me thisfar.
Self compassion, my loves.
So I'm going to talk aboutpractical ways and how fostering
(32:11):
vulnerability in relationshipscan look like.
And I'm always talking aboutthis in my couples therapy.
So we're going to start withromantic relationships.
And honestly, this could be usedin platonic relationships to use
your, I feel statements insteadof bottling up your emotions.
Use the I feel statements.
(32:32):
You're going to focus on yourown emotions.
Without blaming the otherperson.
What?
Yep.
That's what you're going to do.
You're going to focus on yourown emotions without blaming the
other person.
You're going to describe thesituation and use clear emotion
(32:52):
words, such as I feel frustratedwhen you are late.
That is a feel of emotion.
That is your feelings.
And the situation, the person islate.
I feel sad when you cancel planslast minute.
I feel excited when you surpriseme with thoughtful gifts.
(33:12):
I feel, I'm feeling excited.
And then when you surprise me,the situation of being surprised
with thoughtful gifts makes mefeel excited.
We are telling our partners,probably our friends too, how
certain situations invokecertain emotions from us.
We got to start there that'svulnerable because you are
(33:34):
actually telling them somethingabout you.
You're telling them about thesefeelings that occur when certain
things are happening.
We're letting them in tounderstanding how we process
things and how we work, how thegears in our head turn.
We're telling them blueprintsabout ourselves when we tell
them what we're feeling whencertain situations come up for
(33:57):
us.
Don't follow up, and don't thinkyou're giving the blueprints to
an enemy.
Everybody's not an enemy and noteverybody's out to get you.
You want to be open about yourfears and your insecurities.
We got to be.
That's part of it.
It's part of the vulnerabilitypart.
Be open about your fears andinsecurities with your partner.
(34:20):
This is how you're going tobuild trust.
And if you can't trust them withyour fears or your insecurities,
why are you with them?
Those are some real questionsthere.
Why are we here?
What are we doing if I can'teven tell you how I feel if I
have used these I feelStatements and we've been
together and you've beendismissive You've been
deflecting You've been taking mywords at a calm Context despite
(34:43):
me clearly stating how I feelthen maybe we're not meant to be
together And that's okay.
That's a vulnerable thought tohave and to even come up with
that conclusion.
So good on you for even havingthat conversation, whether, with
yourself, with friends or withothers.
In friendships, the way wefoster vulnerability is through
(35:05):
shared personal experiences.
You know, when you and yourgirlfriends get together and
you're all sitting around thetable or even on the couch or
whatever, just talking aboutthings, whether that's about
from high school or how yourparents used to raise you or
that.
their rules or how did, thefriendship circles or the clicks
you were in we're sharing thingsabout ourselves, just personal
(35:27):
experiences and not just surfacelevel updates.
Like me and my friends, I don'tknow how we got this in common,
but we found that we kind of hada shared experience in high
school as we weren't.
The quote unquote, normal orstereotypical black girls.
We weren't always into hip hop.
(35:47):
We wasn't into all the differenttrends that were going in.
Well, that were there.
It just, I don't know.
We just didn't really fit inwith them.
I had one friend that was aroundlike the Gothic emo rock people,
like I just personally floatedwherever, but I was mostly
around the Asian crew.
It's like mean girls.
(36:07):
Like you have your hot Asiansand your nerdy Asians, whatever
it's so silly, but that's who Ifelt most comfortable around.
And then my other friend waslike around the band people and
the emo people.
Like we just was everywhere, butwhere all the black people
congregated and we share thatexperience with each other
(36:28):
about.
How that made us feel, or whydid we feel other groups of
people were more safe than whatfamily told us should be safe.
People that look like us.
That's a, that's not a surfacelevel, conversation.
That's actually a deep emotionalconversation because with that
(36:48):
we go into our insecurities orabout harmful or hurtful
situations we've been in.
We create a space for deepconversation without judgment.
That's how you'll fostervulnerability in your
friendships in a professionalsetting or social setting
whatnot people that we don'tknow We're getting to know you
still want to be your authenticself show authenticity while
(37:10):
maintaining professionalboundaries These boundaries
professional boundaries.
They keep work and personalseparate You do want to protect
yourself because remembervulnerability does not mean over
sharing That's not what we'regoing to do up in here.
That's going to be the first wayto get your behind fired.
You want to protect yourselfbecause not everybody needs to
(37:31):
know everything about you incertain places in your life,
certain eras of your life.
You can't just be out heretelling about your most deepest
thing that happened to you andyour friend or your daughter or
whatnot, and expose that.
That's absurd.
It's.
Again, traumatic, do not traumabond, do not overshare that does
(37:55):
not make you an open person.
That just makes you a personwith no boundaries.
And if you don't have boundariesand you're out here
disrespecting your ownemotional, like your own
boundaries, again, if you don'thave no boundaries and you're
disrespecting yourself and yourself worth or whatnot, how can I
build?
A bond with you.
How can I build closeness withyou and be vulnerable with you?
(38:17):
Because if you can't respectyour own boundaries, you
definitely not going to respectmine.
How can I trust my informationwith you when you are out here,
just throwing everything underthe sun and the moon about you
at me.
As a stranger, we are not reallymuch to each other.
So keep it professional, keep itseparate.
(38:39):
You want to lead with empathyand openness to encourage trust.
I can be empathetic.
You can be empathetic to thingspeople are going through.
Like I heard you're goingthrough it, but your mom, she's
in the hospital.
I'm sorry to hear that.
If you need someone to talk to,I'm here.
Boom.
You are starting to lead with.
Hey, trust me that you couldcome to me and talk to me about
(39:01):
that.
That's a hard thing.
Or even if Oh, wow.
I understand that I too had mymother in the hospital and it
was such a scary experience.
I can only imagine how it is foryou.
Cause it was so hard for me.
That opens up to talk aboutcertain things, or even if it's
in the workplace and you're justlike, I'm afraid that I don't
(39:22):
know how to lead.
I get that.
I too had a project on my handthat I didn't think I could do,
come talk to me.
I would love to share thisexperience with you and how I
can help you to better yourselfin the workplace.
Lead with empathy and opennessto encourage trust it will come
it will follow.
I was not the most Open book asa supervisor myself.
(39:46):
You definitely had to earn myvulnerability in a sense Earn
certain information about me,but I was open enough to the
point where others trusted me inthe work that I did Trusted that
I was going to get the job done,trusted that if they came to me,
I was going to find a solutionthat I could have empathy for
(40:08):
what they were going through andthe struggles because I too was
going through it and I'm here tohelp and be a mentor.
That is me keeping my personalboundaries.
Not a lot of people at thattime, though I worked with them
for almost six years could tellyou super personal things about
me, but they can see.
Through me being just beingmyself, my work ethics,
(40:29):
character traits, whenever timewe've had moments when we were
doing gifts exchange or laughingor our music preferences, those
things I can, we can let peoplein through a window.
They don't all have to beinvited through the door.
So how are we feeling?
I hope that this was.
(40:52):
I hope it was very helpful.
I hope you feel that, man,vulnerability is not what I
thought it was.
It actually is helpful.
This is scary as all can be.
Maybe we're not super, we're notfeeling super excited about
doing it, but we understand thatthe pros outweigh the cons.
We are meant to connect.
(41:13):
We're meant to build withothers.
We're meant to be with otherpeople and vulnerability is
going to get you there.
It's going to make it morerealistic, more tangible.
We all have fears.
We all have fears of rejection.
We all have fears ofdisappointment, but we have to
allow ourselves to ask for help.
(41:34):
Connection cannot be done alone.
So again, vulnerability is astrength and not a weakness.
And I challenge you guys for thenext two weeks until our next
session, what's one way you canembrace vulnerability?
This week and the next what'sone way you can embrace
(41:54):
vulnerability take some time andwrite that down If you're
driving, keep driving and park,and then write that down.
What's one way you can embracevulnerability this week?
Thank you guys.
I am so happy to have you guyshere once again.
(42:15):
So definitely share yourthoughts with me in the
comments, leave a review on mypodcast.
What is going on with theseaccents?
But share your thoughts about mypodcast, share reviews, share
them with your loved ones, yourbesties, invite them to the
table.
We're all here to sip and shiftwith each other.
(42:36):
Okay.
I want that with you guys.
I want us to get closer.
I want us to start reallyinteracting a little bit more
and share your stories.
Let's get into it.
Let's be vulnerable with eachother.
If your goal is to embracevulnerability by reaching out to
me, your best friend, yourspouse, whatever that may be.
Go for it.
(42:56):
I'm here for it, guys.
So again, share your thoughtswith me in the reviews, the
comments, or message me onYouTube, IG, email me at
shifthappenswithshea at gmail.
com.
Always here for it.
If you guys are just listeningfor the first time, thank you
(43:17):
for coming on this ride.
I hope you enjoyed it.
I definitely want to hear fromyou just, stay.
Stay a while.
We're having fun here.
But if you need more self growthconversations, please listen to
more of the episodes that wehave just done.
We are just, like I mentioned,in just starting this series of
embracing change and empoweringourselves.
(43:40):
So if you are just hopping on,please listen to the last
episode about rewriting yournarrative.
And letting go of limitingbeliefs.
I think you will find it veryhelpful as we continue this self
growth journey with each otherand this transformation because
that's what we're here to do.
We shift together.
Life is full of shift.
(44:02):
But we're going to be fine.
We're going to get through it.
We thrive through what we gothrough.
All right.
So again, guys, follow me onInstagram at Shift Happens with
Shea, YouTube with the same nameat Shift Happens with Shea,
listen over there, LinkedIn.
You can find me as ShantaniqueMoore King.
I am okay and happy todefinitely connect with you guys
(44:25):
on a professional level, if youare seeking help.
And I'm also on TikTok too.
I'm kind of building that up,but my main focus is Instagram,
YouTube, and LinkedIn.
But I'll try to keep going onwith tick tock if that's where
you guys are at but please checkthose out for more insights.
I am definitely moving towardswanting to build my youtube
(44:46):
channel a bit more I think thatwill be fun to do with you guys
just as I build vulnerability.
This helps me practicevulnerability just doing
podcasts like Just doing thispodcast alone, just telling you
guys about what I've gonethrough in my childhood just in
my life with my own familydynamics or friends or
relationship, this is veryvulnerable for me and.
(45:08):
Thank you for everybody whosupports me and encourages me to
continue doing this work.
I can't wait to see you guys.
I'm working on it.
I know Shay, you said you'regonna do a video podcast.
I'm working on it.
I'm working on it.
I promise.
I promise.
I just need to get it all setup.
Maybe we'll see at the end ofMarch, but for sure April, we're
(45:30):
gonna get it together.
We're gonna get this poppin.
We're gonna see each other,okay?
All right, guys.
I love you.
Have a beautiful week.
Hey there, and welcome to ShiftHappens with Shea.
I'm Shea, your host and licensedmarriage and family therapist.
This podcast is where we diveinto all the shift life throws
our way, whether it'srelationships, mental health,
personal growth, or justfiguring out this crazy journey
of adulting.
Here, we're all about honestconversation, real stories, and
a whole lot of laughs as wetackle life's challenges
(00:22):
together.
This is your space to grow,explore, and feel seen.
So grab a cozy spot, maybe a cupof coffee or a wine, and let's
get ready to shift through itall.
Thanks for tuning in, andremember, no matter what life
brings us, we're in thistogether.
Welcome back guys to anothersession.
I am so excited to talk to youguys about today's topic.
(00:47):
And it is, we are here at thepower of vulnerability, and
we're going to talk about howbeing real strengthens our
relationships.
Last time we talked aboutrewriting our narrative.
I hope you guys took the time toreally think about some of the
things we discussed in thereabout how you can be true to
you, how you can limit thoselimited beliefs, how you can get
(01:08):
rid of them.
I hope you've actually comecloser to identifying what your
limiting beliefs were and Tookthe actionable steps that we
talked about so that you couldstart rewriting or reauthoring
your personal narrative gettingrid of Everybody else's thoughts
about you and creating a moreself compassionate and empowered
version of you So in lastepisode we did talk about
(01:32):
vulnerability being in there,too Because we have to debunk
some of the BS out there aboutvulnerability.
Vulnerability is a strength inour relationships.
It is a necessary part inconnecting with others.
And I find that today isimportant since we are
(01:54):
continuing our series aroundembracing change and empowering
yourself.
Vulnerability in itself.
Like for me personally,vulnerability is an ongoing
journey.
I love it now, but it was verydifficult before because I
always saw it as possibly beinga weakness or maybe not being
emotionally stable at somepoint.
(02:15):
If I was too emotional or tooattuned to my feelings, I'll say
when it came to work, we're now,of course, a family of five, but
back in the day, it was justthree of us.
It was me, my sister, Nia, andmy mom.
So we always were seen as thethree musketeers.
When.
I probably, I'm pretty sure Idid mention this in our first
(02:36):
like full session, episode two,when my dad was no longer in the
picture.
And I say that like physicallypresent in my teenage years, I
did become more aware of whatwas going on in the dynamics
between my mom and my dad.
Child support, whatever, all ofthat stuff.
I did become more aware tothough.
My mom did her best to notexpose us.
(02:57):
You start to hear things.
So of course you're more aware.
You're, you become, you start todevelop your own insight, your
own biases about situations.
So my mom always, for therecord, spoke great about my
dad.
Like she never told us to.
Disrespect him, disregard him,dismiss him, none of that stuff.
(03:21):
She did everything and still tothis day continues to do
everything in her power for usto have a healthy relationship
with my dad.
Though me and my sister haveinformed her to kind of step
back from that role becausebeing adults now we are in
charge of our relationship.
with our parents.
And I feel vice versa.
Parents are responsible fortheir relationship with their
(03:43):
adult children.
It's not just a, I'm a mom and adad.
You need to make all the effortsto speak with me.
It goes both ways here.
So going back, cause a littlebit of that is why I don't
really speak to my dad rightnow.
Going back to that when hewasn't really there, I don't
know when I decided to do it, orif it was a conscious.
(04:04):
Thought of yes, this is yourrole.
But I think over time I just gotnot tired, but it hurts to see
my mom hurt.
It hurts to see my sister hurt.
It hurts to see them met withrejection or despair.
So somewhere in my being it justfelt you know what?
(04:24):
You got to be the strong one foryour family.
You have to uplift your mom anduplift your sister.
You have to make sure yoursister's on the right path
because your mom already has somuch to deal with.
And nobody told me to take thatrole.
Nobody said I had to be thestrong one.
The message just developed and Ifeel like sometimes we put
(04:47):
ourselves in these roles becausewe think a situation requires us
to step up.
But I'm like in my teenageyears, like I'm at this point.
I think I could feel, I feellike I could remember things
around 16 more clearly, butsomewhere around that time of
15, 16, maybe even 14, like thatrole started to come even more
(05:10):
defined, become more definedthat I had to be strong from my
mother.
I had to be understandable.
I had to be reasonable.
There's no reason to be actingout, to be doing.
The utmost it's just not yourmom goes through enough were
some of the things that wouldring through my mind So I always
took it upon myself that if Mymom was crying or my sister was
(05:34):
crying.
I had to do everything in mypower to make sure the house was
okay.
That nothing rocked or fellapart that I had to carry that
responsibility on my shoulders.
That if they were down for thecount, it's okay.
I could hold that space.
I can do it.
They can cry.
They can take this moment.
They need it more than I do.
(05:55):
I don't need to do that.
I am stronger than this.
And I.
Took the role as my father ormore of the protector and I had
no room to be doing that when Iwas still developing my own
Emotional regulationsunderstanding myself.
(06:18):
I really didn't understandmyself that much I just always
saw me as the strong one andthat was also in my friendships
to like you're the strong oneYou're the reasonable one You're
you know, you got it togetherYou know, what's expected of
you.
So you have to keep it together.
If not you, who else?
So I really did take that role.
(06:38):
And when it came to my family, Inot because I didn't trust them,
or maybe I didn't becausevulnerability requires trust and
exposure to harm from lovedones, hoping that they won't
harm you.
Maybe I didn't trust that my momcould keep it together.
Maybe I didn't trust that mysister could get it right on her
(06:59):
own without me.
Maybe I did feel that it was upto me and only I could do it.
Only I could shoulder mymother's pain.
Only I could push my mom forwardand let her know that she did
get it right.
Only I, like I mentioned, canget my sister on the right path.
If I am the I guess it soundslike perfection, then the blue,
(07:28):
the blueprints already there.
They don't have to go throughthe hardship.
I'll go through the hardship.
And that's a lot ofresponsibility to unconsciously
take at the age of 16.
I can't remember what age itwas, but I always do remember my
sister telling me in one of ourconversations that I didn't need
(07:48):
a father.
I didn't need you to be dad.
I needed my sister.
I just need my big sister.
And.
I'm sure that was years, wayyears later, I'm pretty sure
like young adult, like in mytwenties when she told me that
and I backed away a lot.
I backed off because that's whenI actually consciously realized
(08:10):
what I was doing.
So for about maybe, I don'tknow, six years or so, I just
was out and about being theprotector thinking I'm doing
everything right.
I was not relying on my family.
If I was going throughsomething, my family would not
know.
If I needed help, my, I wouldnot ask my family and not
(08:30):
because they could not providefor me.
But in my head, I'm the strongone.
I have to have it together.
You have to have it alltogether.
You're the oldest sister.
You have to be an example toyour younger sister.
I had to figure it out.
Not because my mom forced me tobecause she didn't.
I had it in my head that no, youare better than that.
(08:52):
You don't require help.
You can do it.
And one of the things wherevulnerability is that we can't
do vulnerability alone.
You can't.
So definitely over time, Ilearned that vulnerability
wasn't a weakness to cry, to besoft, to wear your heart on your
(09:13):
sleeve.
It is a strength because ittakes a great deal of courage
to.
Be that raw for somebody toreally put who you are taking
off your armor and that mask andpresenting your true self to the
world, hoping that the peopleyou chose in your community,
(09:34):
tribe, circle, whatever word youwould like to use, will not use.
Your weaknesses or, yourinsecurities against you and it
goes very true to what BreneBrown, she's an author,
storyteller, podcaster, speaker,she.
(09:56):
She pretty much did all the workon vulnerability and she says,
staying vulnerable is a risk wehave to take if we want to
experience connection.
It's true.
When you're vulnerable, you'reable to then start trusting
other people with informationabout yourself.
And another quote from her isvulnerability is not about
(10:19):
winning or losing.
It's having the courage to showup and be seen when we have no
control over the outcome.
Vulnerability is not weakness.
It's our greatest measure ofcourage.
So, all of you who are attunedwith yourself, put yourself out
there, despite being afraid ordoubt, any type of emotions that
(10:42):
just make you feel like yourstomach is turning upside down,
you are courageous.
You show us and mypersonification of courage was
my little sister, actually.
She taught me vulnerabilitybecause my sister has always
been in touch with her feelings.
(11:02):
Emotions, whether that was anoutburst, whether it was just
expression, whether that washurt, rejection, humor,
lightness, joy, Denia showed meall of that and she never Tone
down her light for others.
Like she was always that lightfor me.
(11:23):
You probably could hear theemotions in my voice, but my
sister had all of that.
And maybe subconsciously I feltI needed to protect that because
I don't want people to take thatfrom her, something I don't do,
or I choose not to do, or I feelit's hard to do.
She does it with such ease.
(11:44):
My sister is.
Such an amazing person.
She's so amazingly funny,nurturing, and caring.
Honestly, it's a blessing to bewithin her presence.
And I'm so happy I have her inmy life because if she was not
there, I don't think I wouldhave learned what it meant to be
soft and it feels okay.
(12:05):
To cry and lean on others.
She's the only one when I wasyounger that would see emotions
from me.
She's the only one at the timethat actually knew what was
going through my thoughtsbecause I did not express
myself.
I didn't learn to advocate formyself well until my twenties
and That wasn't until after Ifaced two heartbreaks from the
(12:30):
first relationship I guys, Itold you guys about that was
four years long.
And then my dad abandoning meand telling me I was
disrespectful.
I didn't start speaking out formyself until about that time.
And my voice was very distortedthrough anger.
Yes, that is, I guess, anotherstory for another time, but
that's vulnerability in itselfwhen I started to let it out,
(12:51):
but not in the most healthiestof ways, but so just coming
back.
So today, we're going to talkabout why.
Vulnerability is essential formeaningful connections, how to
embrace emotional opennesswithout feeling overly exposed.
And we're going to discusspractical strategies for
(13:12):
cultivating trust inrelationships.
So Homegirl, what isvulnerability?
Tell me.
Okay, so what does this actuallymean in relationships?
We always talk about beingvulnerable.
Is that just being soft?
Is that just me boohooingeverywhere?
This is what Oxford says.
It is the quality Or state ofbeing exposed to the possibility
(13:34):
of being attacked or harm,either physically or
emotionally.
Yeah.
So if we put that in arelational context, you are in a
state where you are consciouslychoosing to expose yourself,
your flaws, insecurities, yourdoubts, your thoughts, all of
(13:54):
that.
To those around you and afteryou give them this ammo You're
still giving them ammo despitethe possibility that they could
attack you or harm you with theammo you have provided That's
what that means.
You telling your best friend,your boyfriend, girlfriend,
spouse, whatever, that this bigthing about you, that you're
(14:17):
afraid that others will judgeyou and persecute you for, and
you are hoping that they don'tjudge or persecute you.
That is vulnerability rightthere in a nutshell.
And some misconceptions aboutvulnerability is that
vulnerability is a weakness.
When in truth, we've just talkedabout it.
It's a form of emotionalcourage.
You know how much courage ittakes to actually sit there and
(14:39):
say the truth about somethingthat's on your mind, the courage
that it took you to get overyour anxiety, to even talk about
it.
Let's be real that takes a lotfrom you and I'm super proud if
you're already doing that and ifyou're not don't hurt yourself
Don't bang yourself shameyourself.
You're doing just fine.
We're learning today You justmay be a late bloomer like how I
(15:01):
was also another myth beingvulnerable means oversharing No,
truth is, it's about intentionalopenness, not trauma dumping.
I always bring this up with youguys because I feel it is
imperative that we just bangthat into our head.
(15:22):
Do not trauma dump on others.
And trauma dumping is sharingtraumatic experiences with other
in an appropriate.
An inappropriate, just want tomake sure you guys hear me
inappropriate or overwhelmingmanner and not considering the
impact on the listener, do notdrop 10 years worth of trauma or
(15:46):
whatever yesterday that you justwent through on others without
considering if they have theemotional capacity to hold space
for you, or if they're even inthe right mindset to even be
there for you.
If you are just dropping stufflike that, that's not being
vulnerable.
That's being traumatized.
That's.
Yeah, that's doesn't form deepconnections.
(16:08):
It forms.
Actually, it's actually reallydifficult to Bond with people
like that because it's such aviolation on your boundaries on
your heart It's an emotionalattack in my opinion And I say
that as a therapist, even thoughin, at work, I'm setting this
boundary, this work professionalthat I'm here for the trauma.
(16:30):
I'm here to be here for you toexplore, to discuss, to state
the facts, what went down yourtraumatic experience as a
friend, just because you know, Ihave the training does not mean
you go and you tell me about atraumatic incident that happened
between you and your brother atthe age of eight.
While we're at dinner.
(16:51):
What?
That's inappropriate as Allcould be.
I really wanted to say AF.
So yes, do not do that.
We are intentionable about ourintentionable.
What?
Forgive me guys.
We are intentional about ouropenness.
We are intentional about whatwe're sharing about ourselves
(17:13):
because it scares us.
If I share this fact about me,will you persecute me?
Will you leave me?
Will you be disgusted by me orintentional?
Vulnerability is needed in orderfor us to foster deeper
emotional intimacy, trust, andconnection in both romantic and
(17:35):
platonic relationships.
Emotional intimacy, just forthose of you guys that need a
little bit of understandingthere, is pretty much close,
trusting connections betweenpeople who share their thoughts
and feelings.
So feeling comfortable,understood, at ease, safe, and
validated by your partner,friend, family, whoever, and
(18:00):
sharing your hopes, fears.
Your dreams, where you feellistened to, and that there is
mutual respect and appreciation.
So again, emotional intimacy isthat close trust and connection
between you and another personwhen you share your thoughts and
your feelings.
(18:20):
And those feelings, you feelreal comfortable with that
person.
Like one of those people for me,I always talk about her all the
time, it's my audieng, Jen.
I feel at ease with her, I feelcomfortable, I feel understood,
and through our over a decade offriendship, I feel like there's
really nothing she doesn't knowabout me to be quite honest at
this point.
Even down to when we share ourexperience with each other, we
(18:44):
hold space and we, already aretalking about the subject of
trauma and abuse or hurt withinour families and whatnot.
And she is the only friend ofmine that I have ever expressed
a trauma to her about a certainincident outside of like my
family members.
I feel at ease with her.
(19:05):
I feel safe and she alwaysvalidates me.
She holds me accountable.
So don't think that she just goeasy on me and just be like,
yep.
Yep.
Yep You write all the time Shay.
No, she hold me accountable.
She do and vice versa But whenyou have that person, you know
who I'm talking about and if youdon't I hope that after this
(19:27):
session you feel comfortableenough to at least try and start
practicing vulnerability so youcan form these deeper emotional
connections with your friends orfamily or whoever you deem
close.
I really hope we could get therefor you because friendships and
sisterhood that you could havewith these other people is It,
(19:50):
there's no words for it.
I guess that's why I'm havingdifficulties really expressing
it because it's It's arelationship like no other and
I'm just so thankful to have thefew in my life that I've been
able to share certain reallyhurtful things or just be open
Or, even just things that I justthought were out of bound or
crazy.
I'm like, Oh my God, should I bethinking these ways?
(20:12):
And it's like, no, it's okay tobe desirable.
It's okay to want pleasure.
It's okay to discuss your sexualneeds and all that other kind of
stuff without feeling shamed.
Even those kinds ofconversations need
vulnerability.
So then I guess let's get into,I know there are some risks and
there are some rewards ofvulnerability.
We mentioned that.
(20:32):
I've been saying the fear ofrejection and judgment.
That is a challenge for beingvulnerable.
And it will always be in yourthought.
Not necessarily, maybe sometimeswe even with the close ones,
like you still have that fear,but not as much.
But when you're first startingto share a bit about yourself
with other people, that fear ofrejection is pretty high in
(20:54):
judgment.
Like I said, we don't like tofeel persecuted.
We don't like to feel different,despite that we do have
differences from other people.
Everybody says, Oh, you want tobe different.
It's good to be different.
But as soon as you start beingdifferent, people look at you
crazy.
Like you do that.
Now, look, I have friends thatdo like silly things or whatnot.
And yes, do I judge?
(21:15):
Yeah.
Is it meant to be hurtful?
No, we laugh about it becauseyou're going to still do you and
I'm not going to love you anyless for doing you at the end of
the day.
And our relationship should beable to express that.
If you need it to be saidverbally, by all means, I can
say it.
But typically most of myfriendships, we don't have to,
we just know it's a joke.
We keep going.
And then we're just like, girl,you're going to do what you want
(21:37):
to do.
And we know we love each otherand we're going to keep doing.
Keep hanging out and keep doingwhatever.
Another challenge for beingvulnerable is our past
experience because we haveexperienced hurt or betrayal.
This makes it difficult to trustothers with anything about
ourselves because our past hasshown us that people just can't
be trusted.
People just want to up, upstageyou, the crab in a barrel.
(21:59):
If I can't be good, you can't begood or deep portrayal.
I definitely do have that withfamily members.
100 percent and unfortunately,our relationship will not be
what maybe she hopes.
It could be, I don't trust her,unfortunately.
And that's just life.
(22:20):
That past experience spoke a lotfor me.
And sometimes people say dangShay, that was so long ago.
You sure you can't forgive her?
And I think it's differentbecause we'll talk about this in
another topic about forgiveness,but my version of forgiveness is
not forgiveness for the otherperson.
It's, I've forgiven myself for.
(22:42):
Thinking I could deem her as asafe space to express myself.
I forgive myself and givecompassion because at the time
that I thought I could justbecause of a label between us I
could be open and that wasprobably one of the first times
I was able to be open and it wasa Horrible betrayal for me.
(23:08):
And I was like, nah, we notdoing that no more.
Ixnay, Ixnay on that.
I'm good.
And even now that we're older, Istill don't, I won't confide my
deepest thoughts and dreams andhopes.
Uncertainties and whatnot tothat person and it is what it
is.
We just have to be okay with theway our relationship is.
(23:30):
So I definitely get that pastexperience with her and betrayal
makes it very difficult for usto be vulnerable because
everybody always tells you thatblood is thicker than water.
God dang.
If your family betray you, thenyou know, shoe who else can you
really count on?
Right?
Same thing with friends if youcount your friends as your
family members, too.
It makes it hard, but then wealso have to trust that not
(23:51):
everybody is like that.
That's vulnerability.
That's courage.
And that's hard.
And, you may struggle.
Another challenge is that youmay struggle with emotional
regulations.
Especially for us who weretaught to toughen up.
We're not used to beingvulnerable, but also know if
you're not used to beingvulnerable with yourself, how
(24:14):
are you going to be vulnerablewith other people?
How are you going to do that toa degree?
Vulnerability cannot be donealone, but there has to be a
sense of insight, someintrospective work done here in
order for you to be vulnerablewith people, such as
understanding why you were toldto toughen up or what do showing
(24:37):
emotions mean?
What would sharing your thoughtsmean to you?
Those are the thoughts you needto be having and use that as a
journal prompt too.
What are the thoughts?
What, how do I think peoplewould treat me?
What does it mean if I exposethis truth about myself to other
people?
How, what does that mean aboutmy narrative?
Go back to that.
Take some moment and some timeto find that out about yourself.
(25:00):
Because once you understand whyyou're afraid, not that it makes
it any easier, but it sureenough, at least makes you feel
more empowered because you nowknow yourself a little bit more
and you can navigate a biteasier.
So when you clarify yourself toyour trusted circle, they will
understand.
They get it.
(25:21):
Now they can connect andexperience in a moment in time
that you tend to experiencewhenever you are trying to feel
vulnerable or you are resistingvulnerability.
But the rewards, if we embraceinvulnerability, like
vulnerability, we increase trustand emotional safety with one
another.
(25:42):
Autumn, like I mentioned, if Ican relate and understand that
whenever we have conversationsabout XYZ, that you were
experiencing this event fromwhen you were 15, wow, it shows
me a lot.
That lets me know what versionof you I'm encountering and how
to help soothe her.
If you are not able to sootheyourself in that moment, you're
(26:03):
trusting me.
Yes, this also strengthens yourbonds and your friendships, your
families, and your romanticrelationships.
Again, you're letting us see aside of you that you've held
away.
Do you know how honored peoplefeel?
Us healthy people.
How we feel to be let in?
That is a great honor.
(26:25):
I mention it to most of myclients thank you for being
vulnerable with me.
Thank you for sharing that withme because just because I have
the title as your therapist doesnot automatically entitle me to
your vulnerability, to yourauthenticity.
It doesn't entitle that you tellme everything about yourself.
Not at all.
(26:46):
We have to build thatconnection.
I have to create this emotionalsafe space for you.
I just went through this with myclient yesterday, and I was so
proud of her for, for opening upto me.
And, oh my goodness, I'm justsaying she was afraid that I
would persecute and judge her,feeling of shame around her, and
(27:11):
even at the end of all that, Istill thanked her for sharing
and let her know, girl, I wouldnever.
Judge you, you're here, you'rehere for healing and to be quite
honest, don't feel ashamed.
It's the best your version ofyourself could do at the time.
I'm just proud that you actuallyfelt okay telling me.
(27:31):
That took a lot of courage forher.
I'm so proud of her.
So again, this also enhances ourcommunication and again, again,
why I keep saying again andauthenticity.
When you're able to embracevulnerability, you empower your
words.
You, because you know how youfeel, you'll know your thoughts,
(27:53):
and you'll be able to clearlycommunicate that with others.
And others start to reallyunderstand who you truly are.
Vulnerability is so amazing,isn't it?
But Shay, for those of us thatwere taught to toughen up, I
don't know, this thing is scary.
What do I got to do to be morecomfortable with it?
(28:15):
Start small.
I never tell you guys to justjump into the ocean and swim.
If you can't swim, that's crazy.
No, you got to learn baby steps.
Let's put our feet in the water.
Let's actually get used to thefeeling of the sea.
Start small.
We're going to share ourfeelings in low stake situations
first.
(28:35):
So like with a trusted friend,take the time to tell them
something that's been on yourmind.
Whether that's about anotherfriend, whether that's about a
situation at work, whetherthat's about a mini test.
Doubt or you felt insecure aboutyour friendship with that friend
(28:56):
and it was just rooted inintimidation because of X, Y, Z
that happened to you in thepast.
Yes.
Low stakes situations.
And they're low stakes becausethis is already a person you
deemed trustworthy.
You are not going out of yourway.
I'm not telling you to go make anew friend and then go ahead and
(29:16):
start telling them everythingthat day.
No, start small.
You already have trustedfriends.
Start with them.
We're gonna recognize safespaces.
Remember earlier I mentionedthat.
We have to identify emotionallysafe people who respect your
openness.
We have to be able to identify aperson who is not going to shame
(29:38):
us or judge us or Persecute us,violate us, invalidate us in any
type of way emotionally when weare trying to be open.
It takes time.
Because I am for one do notbelieve everybody is meant to be
a safe space for you Everybodyis not meant to be your
(29:59):
emotional safe space.
You need to hold discernment Itneeds to feel right and when you
come out of those conversationswith those friends or family
members that you come outfeeling Okay, I'm not saying
every conversation will be thebest but you don't come out
feeling more shamed Or guiltyabout who you are as a person,
(30:21):
when you are open, opening up.
So recognize safe spaces, thenwe're going to communicate our
boundaries.
Y'all know, we talked about thisa few sessions ago, and we're
always going to come back toboundaries.
It comes up and I feel likeevery one of our sessions,
because it is just thatimportant.
(30:41):
Vulnerability is not aboutsharing everything with
everyone.
It's about sharing wisely.
Just because I trust you doesnot mean you can disrespect me.
Again, that's why we have theseboundaries.
Just because I trust you doesnot mean you can disrespect me.
(31:02):
Vulnerability isn't aboutrespect.
We just said in the last pointthat we need to identify safe
people who respect our openness.
So share wisely.
We ain't got to shareeverything.
Next is self compassion.
Be kind to yourself when you'repracticing vulnerability.
It takes time to unlearn oldpatterns.
(31:25):
It's gonna take time for us torewire that inner critic in your
head that keeps telling you thatyou're not enough, you're just
weird, you're different, thatstupid, da da, da, da.
It's gonna take time to rewirethose so that you start telling
yourself.
It's okay.
I'm learning to be better.
I didn't know what I know now.
(31:45):
I didn't have the tools I neededto succeed like I do now.
That version of me was doing thebest with what she had.
That was how she knew how to dothings and I'm just here to do
better.
I thank her for getting me thisfar.
Self compassion, my loves.
So I'm going to talk aboutpractical ways and how fostering
(32:11):
vulnerability in relationshipscan look like.
And I'm always talking aboutthis in my couples therapy.
So we're going to start withromantic relationships.
And honestly, this could be usedin platonic relationships to use
your, I feel statements insteadof bottling up your emotions.
Use the I feel statements.
(32:32):
You're going to focus on yourown emotions.
Without blaming the otherperson.
What?
Yep.
That's what you're going to do.
You're going to focus on yourown emotions without blaming the
other person.
You're going to describe thesituation and use clear emotion
(32:52):
words, such as I feel frustratedwhen you are late.
That is a feel of emotion.
That is your feelings.
And the situation, the person islate.
I feel sad when you cancel planslast minute.
I feel excited when you surpriseme with thoughtful gifts.
(33:12):
I feel, I'm feeling excited.
And then when you surprise me,the situation of being surprised
with thoughtful gifts makes mefeel excited.
We are telling our partners,probably our friends too, how
certain situations invokecertain emotions from us.
We got to start there that'svulnerable because you are
(33:34):
actually telling them somethingabout you.
You're telling them about thesefeelings that occur when certain
things are happening.
We're letting them in tounderstanding how we process
things and how we work, how thegears in our head turn.
We're telling them blueprintsabout ourselves when we tell
them what we're feeling whencertain situations come up for
(33:57):
us.
Don't follow up, and don't thinkyou're giving the blueprints to
an enemy.
Everybody's not an enemy and noteverybody's out to get you.
You want to be open about yourfears and your insecurities.
We got to be.
That's part of it.
It's part of the vulnerabilitypart.
Be open about your fears andinsecurities with your partner.
(34:20):
This is how you're going tobuild trust.
And if you can't trust them withyour fears or your insecurities,
why are you with them?
Those are some real questionsthere.
Why are we here?
What are we doing if I can'teven tell you how I feel if I
have used these I feelStatements and we've been
together and you've beendismissive You've been
deflecting You've been taking mywords at a calm Context despite
(34:43):
me clearly stating how I feelthen maybe we're not meant to be
together And that's okay.
That's a vulnerable thought tohave and to even come up with
that conclusion.
So good on you for even havingthat conversation, whether, with
yourself, with friends or withothers.
In friendships, the way wefoster vulnerability is through
(35:05):
shared personal experiences.
You know, when you and yourgirlfriends get together and
you're all sitting around thetable or even on the couch or
whatever, just talking aboutthings, whether that's about
from high school or how yourparents used to raise you or
that.
their rules or how did, thefriendship circles or the clicks
you were in we're sharing thingsabout ourselves, just personal
(35:27):
experiences and not just surfacelevel updates.
Like me and my friends, I don'tknow how we got this in common,
but we found that we kind of hada shared experience in high
school as we weren't.
The quote unquote, normal orstereotypical black girls.
We weren't always into hip hop.
(35:47):
We wasn't into all the differenttrends that were going in.
Well, that were there.
It just, I don't know.
We just didn't really fit inwith them.
I had one friend that was aroundlike the Gothic emo rock people,
like I just personally floatedwherever, but I was mostly
around the Asian crew.
It's like mean girls.
(36:07):
Like you have your hot Asiansand your nerdy Asians, whatever
it's so silly, but that's who Ifelt most comfortable around.
And then my other friend waslike around the band people and
the emo people.
Like we just was everywhere, butwhere all the black people
congregated and we share thatexperience with each other
(36:28):
about.
How that made us feel, or whydid we feel other groups of
people were more safe than whatfamily told us should be safe.
People that look like us.
That's a, that's not a surfacelevel, conversation.
That's actually a deep emotionalconversation because with that
(36:48):
we go into our insecurities orabout harmful or hurtful
situations we've been in.
We create a space for deepconversation without judgment.
That's how you'll fostervulnerability in your
friendships in a professionalsetting or social setting
whatnot people that we don'tknow We're getting to know you
still want to be your authenticself show authenticity while
(37:10):
maintaining professionalboundaries These boundaries
professional boundaries.
They keep work and personalseparate You do want to protect
yourself because remembervulnerability does not mean over
sharing That's not what we'regoing to do up in here.
That's going to be the first wayto get your behind fired.
You want to protect yourselfbecause not everybody needs to
(37:31):
know everything about you incertain places in your life,
certain eras of your life.
You can't just be out heretelling about your most deepest
thing that happened to you andyour friend or your daughter or
whatnot, and expose that.
That's absurd.
It's.
Again, traumatic, do not traumabond, do not overshare that does
(37:55):
not make you an open person.
That just makes you a personwith no boundaries.
And if you don't have boundariesand you're out here
disrespecting your ownemotional, like your own
boundaries, again, if you don'thave no boundaries and you're
disrespecting yourself and yourself worth or whatnot, how can I
build?
A bond with you.
How can I build closeness withyou and be vulnerable with you?
(38:17):
Because if you can't respectyour own boundaries, you
definitely not going to respectmine.
How can I trust my informationwith you when you are out here,
just throwing everything underthe sun and the moon about you
at me.
As a stranger, we are not reallymuch to each other.
So keep it professional, keep itseparate.
(38:39):
You want to lead with empathyand openness to encourage trust.
I can be empathetic.
You can be empathetic to thingspeople are going through.
Like I heard you're goingthrough it, but your mom, she's
in the hospital.
I'm sorry to hear that.
If you need someone to talk to,I'm here.
Boom.
You are starting to lead with.
Hey, trust me that you couldcome to me and talk to me about
(39:01):
that.
That's a hard thing.
Or even if Oh, wow.
I understand that I too had mymother in the hospital and it
was such a scary experience.
I can only imagine how it is foryou.
Cause it was so hard for me.
That opens up to talk aboutcertain things, or even if it's
in the workplace and you're justlike, I'm afraid that I don't
(39:22):
know how to lead.
I get that.
I too had a project on my handthat I didn't think I could do,
come talk to me.
I would love to share thisexperience with you and how I
can help you to better yourselfin the workplace.
Lead with empathy and opennessto encourage trust it will come
it will follow.
I was not the most Open book asa supervisor myself.
(39:46):
You definitely had to earn myvulnerability in a sense Earn
certain information about me,but I was open enough to the
point where others trusted me inthe work that I did Trusted that
I was going to get the job done,trusted that if they came to me,
I was going to find a solutionthat I could have empathy for
(40:08):
what they were going through andthe struggles because I too was
going through it and I'm here tohelp and be a mentor.
That is me keeping my personalboundaries.
Not a lot of people at thattime, though I worked with them
for almost six years could tellyou super personal things about
me, but they can see.
Through me being just beingmyself, my work ethics,
(40:29):
character traits, whenever timewe've had moments when we were
doing gifts exchange or laughingor our music preferences, those
things I can, we can let peoplein through a window.
They don't all have to beinvited through the door.
So how are we feeling?
I hope that this was.
(40:52):
I hope it was very helpful.
I hope you feel that, man,vulnerability is not what I
thought it was.
It actually is helpful.
This is scary as all can be.
Maybe we're not super, we're notfeeling super excited about
doing it, but we understand thatthe pros outweigh the cons.
We are meant to connect.
(41:13):
We're meant to build withothers.
We're meant to be with otherpeople and vulnerability is
going to get you there.
It's going to make it morerealistic, more tangible.
We all have fears.
We all have fears of rejection.
We all have fears ofdisappointment, but we have to
allow ourselves to ask for help.
(41:34):
Connection cannot be done alone.
So again, vulnerability is astrength and not a weakness.
And I challenge you guys for thenext two weeks until our next
session, what's one way you canembrace vulnerability?
This week and the next what'sone way you can embrace
(41:54):
vulnerability take some time andwrite that down If you're
driving, keep driving and park,and then write that down.
What's one way you can embracevulnerability this week?
Thank you guys.
I am so happy to have you guyshere once again.
(42:15):
So definitely share yourthoughts with me in the
comments, leave a review on mypodcast.
What is going on with theseaccents?
But share your thoughts about mypodcast, share reviews, share
them with your loved ones, yourbesties, invite them to the
table.
We're all here to sip and shiftwith each other.
(42:36):
Okay.
I want that with you guys.
I want us to get closer.
I want us to start reallyinteracting a little bit more
and share your stories.
Let's get into it.
Let's be vulnerable with eachother.
If your goal is to embracevulnerability by reaching out to
me, your best friend, yourspouse, whatever that may be.
Go for it.
(42:56):
I'm here for it, guys.
So again, share your thoughtswith me in the reviews, the
comments, or message me onYouTube, IG, email me at
shifthappenswithshea at gmail.
com.
Always here for it.
If you guys are just listeningfor the first time, thank you
(43:17):
for coming on this ride.
I hope you enjoyed it.
I definitely want to hear fromyou just, stay.
Stay a while.
We're having fun here.
But if you need more self growthconversations, please listen to
more of the episodes that wehave just done.
We are just, like I mentioned,in just starting this series of
embracing change and empoweringourselves.
(43:40):
So if you are just hopping on,please listen to the last
episode about rewriting yournarrative.
And letting go of limitingbeliefs.
I think you will find it veryhelpful as we continue this self
growth journey with each otherand this transformation because
that's what we're here to do.
We shift together.
Life is full of shift.
(44:02):
But we're going to be fine.
We're going to get through it.
We thrive through what we gothrough.
All right.
So again, guys, follow me onInstagram at Shift Happens with
Shea, YouTube with the same nameat Shift Happens with Shea,
listen over there, LinkedIn.
You can find me as ShantaniqueMoore King.
I am okay and happy todefinitely connect with you guys
(44:25):
on a professional level, if youare seeking help.
And I'm also on TikTok too.
I'm kind of building that up,but my main focus is Instagram,
YouTube, and LinkedIn.
But I'll try to keep going onwith tick tock if that's where
you guys are at but please checkthose out for more insights.
I am definitely moving towardswanting to build my youtube
(44:46):
channel a bit more I think thatwill be fun to do with you guys
just as I build vulnerability.
This helps me practicevulnerability just doing
podcasts like Just doing thispodcast alone, just telling you
guys about what I've gonethrough in my childhood just in
my life with my own familydynamics or friends or
relationship, this is veryvulnerable for me and.
(45:08):
Thank you for everybody whosupports me and encourages me to
continue doing this work.
I can't wait to see you guys.
I'm working on it.
I know Shay, you said you'regonna do a video podcast.
I'm working on it.
I'm working on it.
I promise.
I promise.
I just need to get it all setup.
Maybe we'll see at the end ofMarch, but for sure April, we're
(45:30):
gonna get it together.
We're gonna get this poppin.
We're gonna see each other,okay?
All right, guys.
I love you.
Have a beautiful week.
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If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Intentionally Disturbing
Join me on this podcast as I navigate the murky waters of human behavior, current events, and personal anecdotes through in-depth interviews with incredible people—all served with a generous helping of sarcasm and satire. After years as a forensic and clinical psychologist, I offer a unique interview style and a low tolerance for bullshit, quickly steering conversations toward depth and darkness. I honor the seriousness while also appreciating wit. I’m your guide through the twisted labyrinth of the human psyche, armed with dark humor and biting wit.