EP 30 - How To Set Boundaries Without Making Others Feel Rejected 🙅🏻‍♀️ - The Shiny Minds Show

Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
welcome to the Shiny Mind Show with Doctor Shiny
today we are gonna talk about how to set boundaries
without making others feel rejected
are you ready to shine come on
it's the shiny one you got this
any people pleasers in the house
or recovering people pleasers

(00:21):
if this is you
then this episode is gonna help you a lot
I am a recovering people pleaser myself
because of my childhood conditioning
when I realized that I needed to actually lie
and hide my truth and cover up what I truly believe

(00:44):
to get the love from my dad
I ended up learning that as a coping mechanism
throughout the years until I realized
that this was not something that I wanted to own
when I sat with myself
when I coached myself on this behavior

(01:05):
I realized that I didn't want to own it
is that you
if that's you let's talk
because I am going to share some powerful ways
that you can set your own boundaries
and make yourself feel valued
as you also are kind to others

(01:28):
and not making them feel rejected by you
because I know this is what you are thinking about
this is what you are focusing on
because when you got rejected
when you felt rejected by that person
in your environment when you were young

(01:50):
that's when you Learned this behavior
as a coping mechanism just like I did
when you realize that when you speak your truth
I'm getting goosebumps by the way all over me
when you speak your truth
it was not accepted
you were actually punished by speaking your truth
and you Learned to hide it

(02:12):
does that resonate
if that resonates
let's start with
the first tool that I would love to share with you
to set your boundaries
No. 1 is get to know yourself
literally sit with yourself and ask yourself

(02:34):
what are my top 3 values
is that love is that respect
do I value love over respect
if yes why
if no why
or do I value self sovereignty
self assurance as my top value

(02:55):
is it more important than self love
or respect for others or kindness or integrity
you gotta have this inner work
you gotta have this clarity because those values
make you who you are and then they define you

(03:16):
and then they actually create the boundaries
that we are gonna talk about
without knowing what your boundaries are
how are you ever going to set the boundaries
that's why that's the first step
the first tool is your self knowledge

(03:37):
self mastery self truth
what is your truth who are you
why do you care about self love
where is that coming from
what is the source of it
if you go back to your childhood
if you trace it back and then connect all the dots
all your experiences and then blend them all together

(04:01):
and come to the conclusion of love Is My top value
here's why
then you can then define what love means to you
and what love looks like for you
and what is not okay for you to give and receive love

(04:22):
what does it mean for you to receive love
if people are doing their best to give you the love
but if you don't feel it
because there are ways that you naturally receive love
that resonate with you
this is coming from the world of science

(04:43):
physics and quantum physics
the law of residence
like you need to have the residence
if there's no residence
you're just not gonna click with that energy
and that is not gonna make you feel loved
and people are going to be confused

(05:04):
well I did my best to make you happy
I cooked you all day I actually prepared your laundries
and did everything at the house
like what else do you want
well that's not the person's love language
it didn't resonate with them
and that's why you're getting confused

(05:24):
so I see this everywhere
we don't know what our values are
we don't know who we are
what we care about and because we don't know
we don't know how to communicate that
and then we end up
having difficulty in our relationships
not understanding why people don't understand us well

(05:48):
because we didn't understand us to begin with
to actually teach who we are
what we care about how we want to be loved
that's why we need to understand who we are
we need to remember who we are
we need to clarify our values

(06:09):
our beliefs
our expectations our needs from others
the less we need from others
the less we expect from others the best
if you have no expectations
if you're able to meet your own needs

(06:32):
you are a self sovereign individual
you are going to be delightful
delicious and your boundaries are gonna reflect that
and then you're gonna sound something like
listen I'm very self sufficient
I give and receive love when there is acknowledgement

(06:54):
when there is openness
in exploring how we can connect deeply with others
I shine in conversations where we talk about
how we can become our best version of ourselves
not talking about details

(07:14):
like if you talk about details
and how you had a meeting with your boss
and then what he said or she said
and how it just created you all these problems
and all the details that would not make me feel cared
and make me feel growing in our relationship
I would love us to co create this conscious

(07:38):
loving relationship
where we focus on becoming our best selves
and sharing our self discoveries with each other
that is where I am going to shine
that's literally a conversation you can have
after you figure yourself out
you need to figure yourself out

(08:01):
if not you're just going to leave people in a place
where they need to make assumptions
if you are not giving them clear instructions
about who you are
what you care about how you want to be loved
what conversations are going to resonate with you
guess what they're just gonna do themselves

(08:22):
they're gonna make assumptions
and then they're just going to go with the flow
and that's okay and that's why that's the No. 1 step
get to know yourself master yourself
No.2 get curious about others
now that you understand who you are

(08:43):
what you value what you care about
what conversations you wanna get involved with
then you need to honor the same for others
what do they care about what do they value
what do they expect in conversations
in their relationships how do they want to relate
ask them mm hmm request

(09:05):
I would love to know your top 3 values
and how they show up in relationships
how they would look like in our friendship
in our conversations requested
demanded that way you are informed

(09:26):
just like you need to be informed about who you are
you also need to be informed about who they are
that way if they are not clear about their boundaries
with your questions prompting them to go within
they're gonna get even more clear
and now they're gonna be able to give you
here are my top three values and then actually
if you don't share your opinions with me

(09:47):
I
I appreciate that because whenever you share opinions
I realize that
you come from a place of seeing the problem
I thrive when I focus on solutions
when you share your opinions with me
when you only focus on the problems
then I realize that I

(10:09):
going into a place of hiding my truth
hiding what I wanna share with you
because if I share what I am going through
then if you share your opinion
about what I am going through
by only focusing on the problems
that you see in what I share
if you never celebrate what I am doing right

(10:29):
if you never point some other solutions for me
then it is actually draining my energy
it is not serving me
it is not helping me become a better version of myself
that's why I actually would love
to talk about solutions not problems
perhaps they're gonna tell you this

(10:51):
if you never ask you will never receive
ask and you shall receive
and this is such a big problem that I see in the world
it's not even a joke
it's at a very serious level right now
because
majority of the people are so distracted by

(11:15):
their everyday
mundane activities and details that don't matter
that they lose the focus of the conversation
they waste the time the energy
talking about nothing at all
that is important for them
or for you or for the world
that's why you

(11:36):
are going to be curious about the other people
that's why you are going to invite them
to go deep within themselves
that's why you are going to take the charge
when you want to become somebody
who operates with clear boundaries
respecting yourself and then respecting others

(11:58):
it's gonna require you to have these conversations
we need to start talking like this in our world
we need to have conversations
that are clear about each other's boundaries
and that's why coaching becomes super helpful

(12:22):
that's why I'm super passionate about
because what I do is an extension of me
extension of who I am
when I ask you a coaching question
I actually help you go within yourself
and then you discover something about yourself
when you are around me
if I'm having a conversation with you

(12:43):
you are absolutely walk away with at least one
and perhaps several
nourishing moments of truth about yourself
you're absolutely going to walk away with
self discovery
this is who I am because I know my top three values
I know my boundaries I know that
I don't expect anybody to do anything for me

(13:04):
I expect people to be mindful about their thoughts
languages
behaviors and the energy that they bring to the world
that is my expectation
and I know it is a lot to expect already
it's super high level

(13:25):
and that is what makes me the doctor of Enlightenment
because enlightenment comes with the alignment
I start with alignment so if you ask me
what are your top values
I'm gonna tell you
my my No. 1 value is going to be my self love

(13:47):
and my self love looks like oneness to me
looks like alignment
I need to feel aligned with what I say
what I do how I show up
who I become
and how I serve the world that is alignment for me

(14:08):
that is enlightenment for me
that is oneness for me for me
my boundaries
are going to be determined by the energy that I feel
about the people around me
I I feel and resonate with the energy
because we are all made up of energy
of course I am gonna feel it

(14:29):
we are energy more than matter
matter is just like 4% in the universe
how can we get distracted and just be
blinded by the fact that we are matter
we are in the human outfit that looks like matter
that looks super tangible and it just blinds us

(14:53):
I go beyond that
I studied what it means to be a human being
wearing a human outfit and yet being this deep soul
light love at the core the sphere haha

(15:14):
so I go very deep right
so that's why when you go deep within yourself
when you go deep with others
conversations change conversations shift
frequencies arise
and that's the world that I wanna live
and that's what I invite you to

(15:35):
when you are setting your boundaries
I know
I am going beyond the topic of setting boundaries
I just want you to go deep
when thinking about your boundaries
you're not only a vessel a human outfit
you are a soul inside this outfit

(15:57):
so your boundaries are not going to be tangible
your boundaries are going to be energetic boundaries
you need to get to know yourself
and others in their energetic boundaries
in their energetic alignment
if there is an energetic misalignment
you're gonna feel it in your body
you know those moments right

(16:18):
you feel like hmm there's something achy in my stomach
oh I feel it in my throat
oh my head like my third eye
something happens
you are going to have that sensory input
from the universe like ones and zeros
those are the information flowing in the universe
constantly and this is what my invitation about

(16:41):
when you go deep and get curious about others
about their boundaries so let's talk about No. 3 now
the third tool that I am going to share with you
to set boundaries without making others feel rejected
the third step
the third tool that I am going to share with you

(17:03):
is your language
and that's why self knowledge
and curiosity is the prerequisite of this language
if you know yourself
you have the self language in the pocket
and if you also have the curiosity to

(17:23):
grab the information about others
you can now put them together
and then use the language that I am passionate about
from neuro linguistic
programming that I Learned years ago
and I teach in my coaching
education programs at the Academy of Neuro-Shine
Technology
you use the language that sounds super respectful

(17:48):
super kind
totally
respecting people with who they are
what they choose giving them the autonomy
giving them the freedom and then at the same time
not betraying yourself
and at the same time not rejecting them
we have language tools

(18:08):
and I'm gonna give you one concrete example
here is a boundary I set with my own mother
very very clear language
extremely direct
sometimes you gotta be super direct with people
especially in your family
I told my mom when we were having a conversation
for those of you if you don't know

(18:29):
my mom is my student after the age of 60
she came to my training programs
and she literally transformed herself
she went from
don't tell me anything about my traditions
all traditions are to be followed
do not question them this was her okay
and then now today talk to my mom

(18:49):
she's like oh
you know we all have our own blueprint
that we choose when we come to this life
and traditions are actually super conditioned
we learn from each other they are to be questioned
they are to be redefined and she's laughing at herself
her old self

(19:11):
so obviously
helping my mom unlearn all that
and to reprogram her mindset
was my biggest success story
and I always Learned a lot
from that
as I was holding the space
and helping my mom to recreate herself
the biggest improvement she needed to make

(19:33):
was about her listening
she didn't know how to listen to others
she really didn't she didn't have that skill
she was a school teacher
she spoke and as she shared information
she taught all her life and listening was not her forte

(19:55):
let's put it that way and when I realized that
I told my mom
listen my mom
listen
we need to practice your active listening skills
here's why it is important for me
when we are on the phone together

(20:16):
if you are trying to watch TV
and trying to talk to others
people right next to you or
if you don't have the quiet environment
to connect with me
then I don't feel that you respect me

(20:37):
if we are on the phone
then that needs to be our primary focus
our precious time that we are co creating together
whatever we are sharing
I want to know what you experienced today
and how it changed you
how it gave you a new idea about doing things

(20:58):
and contributing to the world
contributing to the kids you're teaching now
I want to share what I experienced
and how it made me become a different person
and that requires commitment
respect and clarity we don't need TV when I call you

(21:18):
we don't need a very loud environment
we don't need anybody around you
if you have anybody around you
tell me I'll call you later
if you need to watch something on TV
or she doesn't even watch TV anymore
she has only two shows that she loves
if you need to watch your TV
which is the survivor she loves watching the survivor
with the human psychology behind everything

(21:39):
if that's a time that's okay
we can talk later but please
don't try to watch survivor
and talk to me at the same time
because I know your focus goes there
and you're not 100% with me
and that doesn't help me
that doesn't make me feel heard
seen appreciated or respected

(22:00):
this boundary
I had to repeat to my mom perhaps thousands of times
I kid you not
she finally got it yes
she finally got it
I'm giving this example
because I know we all have moms and dads
and siblings and friends
and spouses and colleagues
and everybody that we are communicating with

(22:21):
if we are not clear about how we want to communicate
then we cannot expect others to behave that way
that's why self knowledge
I needed to know
how I wanted to communicate with my mom
I self knew myself to curiosity
I was also very curious about how my mom operated

(22:42):
I observed her and I saw her
and then
I realized that she was unable to do multitasking
and I never enjoy multitasking anyways
I am all about presence
like when you're doing something
do just that one thing right
I I was curious about her
and I also know that she loves connecting

(23:03):
she wants to share
like she loves sharing her experiences
so that is also her value
but she was not honoring her own value
she was just being distracted in the moment
I needed to interrupt that pattern several times
sometimes super direct sometimes I needed to be very

(23:25):
very direct and clear and firm and sharp
I like had moments where I was like okay
I'm hanging up I'll call you later
and this was me working on my boundaries
and coming from the people pleasing
behaviour patterns
I needed to interrupt my own patterns

(23:45):
and I only needed to do this
because I wanted to do this
because I knew this was not serving me
especially as the creator of Neuro-Shine technology
which I created as the technology for truth
I mean think about it
not being able to share my truth when I was a kid

(24:09):
was so deeply painful for me
that I needed to figure it out throughout my life
that I needed a structure
a curriculum where it was safe
and it was okay for me to share my truth
and and that's why I created Neuro-Shine technology

(24:31):
that's why I combined 10 different disciplines in it
I needed the neuroscience in it
heart science in it I needed quantum physics in it
metaphysics in it cosmology
leadership communication strategies
emotional intelligence coaching skills
I needed everything in it
I needed to prove myself that it is okay
and it's safe for me to share my truth

(24:53):
so I hope that resonates with you
my dear shiny minds
I hope when you are hearing these words
they are landing somewhere deep within yourself
deep within your soul
because you know
speaking your truth is the highest level of freedom

(25:19):
that's the highest level of self expression
creative self expression of who you really are
if you cannot even speak your truth
who are you being
what are you doing in this planet earth
right so that is my point
for you to set your boundaries

(25:41):
and without betraying yourself
so there you have it hope you loved this
please share it with somebody who needs to hear this
we are in a time that is accelerating truth

(26:03):
and aligning with our truth
we need to speak our truth
that's why I encourage you to subscribe to my channel
like this video if it resonated with you
if it helps you share it with the world
so that we can co create a conscious world together

(26:25):
we can become a part of this new world
this new paradigm
where it is okay for us to speak our truth
and for us to invite others to speak their truth
if you are ready to go deep within yourself
and perhaps ask yourself if you want to become a coach

(26:47):
if you want to learn coaching skills
I invite you to go to my website
Shining self.com and grab that free PDF download
so that you can discover
what it is that you are going to receive
as you join my world
at the Academy of Neuro-Shine Technology

(27:08):
how we can help you how we can support you
how we can hold your hand
as you are going through your self discovery
as you are working on expressing your boundaries
when you are ready to speak your truth
we would love to support you
thank you for watching
and thank you for letting my light into your neurons

(27:31):
my dear shiny minds until next time
keep shining your light

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EP 30 - How To Set Boundaries Without Making Others Feel Rejected 🙅🏻‍♀️

Episode Transcript

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