March 6, 2022 • 59 mins
Are we loveable? Insecurities can stem from so many different sources but how do we manage them and prevent them from ruining our current and future relationships? We dive into our experiences with our past and figure out how to notice our triggers and re-work our thinking so we can have healthier relationships.
**Content Warning: Death, Depression, Suicide**
Takeaways:
- Don’t give up after the first time you seek professional help because it’s about the right fit and right timing
- We inherit unhealthy emotional attachments from our families but we can unlearn them
- No one is responsible for our emotional labour but ourselves
- Your partner has the right and is responsible for choosing you
Resources:
- How to Overcome a Fear of Rejection
- Communicating Your Needs Isn't Selfish, It's Selfless
- Four Ways to Stop Feeling Insecure in Your Relationships
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Kristy Yee (00:00):
Can we be loved?
I just want some love.
Angie Yu (00:29):
All right.
Welcome back to another episodeof shit.
We don't tell mom, this isAngie.
Kristy Yee (00:34):
This is Christie.
Angie Yu (00:35):
In today's episode, we start by discussing the
beginnings of our mental healthjourney and how we carry our
insecurities with us intorelationships and our
insecurities of not being lovedbecause we have a mental illness
and how we expect other peopleto take on our emotional
burdens.
we talk about how having learnedthe tools and resources from
(00:57):
working on our mental health,has helped our current
relationships and how we have.
learned from our pastrelationship traumas, how we
have taken our mistakes from thepast and try to just be better.
Kristy Yee (01:11):
We talk about how the tools that we have learned
has helped our relationship.
And we share a little bit ofsome of those tools and we give
you some examples and hope youenjoy the episode.
Angie Yu (01:28):
Your mental health journey has kind of been going
on for a while, right?
You don't have a very, you don'thave a definite like, oh, this
is what exactly when it started.
Whereas I had a very, definitelythis is when it started.
So for me, it's a lot easier torecall this.
what do you think was the moreobvious point of boom?
I'm going to start my mentalhealth journey.
Kristy Yee (01:51):
wow, that's a good question.
And really relevant to thisepisode.
my mental health journey hadreally been on and off.
So some of our poop troops mightknow that I was first diagnosed
after going to a, after beingadmitted to the hospital.
And I was told I have depressionwhen I was 12.
(02:14):
So that was my first likeencounter.
And then I was like hellaembarrassed, never going to tell
anybody about this experience,just ignore, ignore, ignore,
ignore, and try to live my lifeand just pretend that never
happened.
And then, and then around fourthor fifth year and some folks
might be like the fuck I was inpost-secondary for about nine
years.
So this is like halfway throughmy post-secondary journey.
(02:35):
I had a really bad breakup, theworst breakup I've had, I was in
school.
my dad had recently passed awayand I just.
Could not function well.
(02:55):
And that was like a sign thatmaybe I should revisit the idea
of seeking mental healthsupport, even though I was
avoiding, avoiding, avoiding upuntil then.
So this is probably like a good10 years after I was admitted to
(03:18):
the hospital.
And so I, I sought schoolcounseling cause that's free and
it's part of my tuition and Iguess it was then that I started
to think about, you know, how mymental health may or may not
have contributed to.
How I react in a datingrelationship, then I moved on
(03:45):
for that and like, ignore,ignore, ignore until like, I
don't have a mental healthproblem.
until like, I don't know, westarted this podcast.
Angie Yu (03:58):
you mean when you cried at my house after drinking
too much wine and we went intosome really deep shit we were
talking about like, why is it sodifficult to be a woman who's
about to turn 30?
It's difficult to be an Asianwoman being growing up in an
Asian household with immigrantparents.
I think we went into some reallydeep shit for what was supposed
(04:21):
to be like a, like a, Hey, wereconnected and let's hang out,
we'll have some wine, it'll befun.
And then just ended up crying,which was great.
I loved it.
It was very cathartic.
would you say that the death ofa loved one and the end of a
relationship that.
Combination of, you know, justso much grief kind of made you
(04:44):
go, okay, I'm not okay.
I need help.
Kristy Yee (04:50):
yeah, exactly.
It was that it was like, this istoo much.
Like I cannot handle thisanymore.
I think what it is is, and Ithink a lot of folks do this as
well.
We try to be strong all thefucking time.
I know in my regular life, Itake on a lot of projects.
(05:13):
That's something I'm working on.
Like even in therapy, like whydo I have to fill my schedule so
much?
Why do I have to do all thisstuff?
A part of that.
Me trying to prove, not just tomyself, but to others that I am
strong.
I am capable.
I am productive.
I'm a value, blah, blah, blah.
And then, and then, you know, mydad passed away and I'm like,
(05:38):
I'm strong.
I can do this.
I can, I can deal with all thelawyers and the bankers and the
government and blah, blah, blah.
Like I got this while going toschool.
And then the breakup happenedand it was like, did they say?
That like the toothpick on thecamel's back, the straw, the
(06:00):
straw, it was like, it was likethe, it was like the breaking
point.
I was like, I actually cannot, Icannot carry on, on all of this
stuff.
I pretend I can, for whateverreason, because of my value or
whatever, because of face.
(06:20):
But I couldn't any more.
And I remember going to schoollike walking to the bus stop and
taking the bus and just sofilled with grief and sadness
that I don't know how I would beable to pay attention in class.
And of course, as a studentclasses, everything like your
(06:43):
grades are your whole life.
And God forbid, you know, my dadpassing away and me going
through a breakup, that's goingto affect my grades.
Like I can't let that happen.
And that was when I'm like,okay, well, if I can't do this
by myself, then I'm going toneed some support.
(07:05):
And that was probably the firsttime I revisited mental health
support.
since, since I was young,because I was really against
mental health professionals,because as you know, They gave
me a not great first impression.
Angie Yu (07:21):
And how did you take that with you into your
following relationship?
Kristy Yee (07:27):
I did it because after I saw, I think they were
like school counselors orwhatnot.
I have no idea what theirdesignations are.
after I saw them a few times, I,I don't know it, maybe it just
didn't work out.
I don't really remember much ofit.
I felt like it wasn't as helpfulat the time.
(07:48):
And so I just went back to whatI did ignore, ignore, ignore.
I didn't tell anybody that I wasseeing a school counselor
because embarrassment
Angie Yu (07:57):
you felt ashamed.
Kristy Yee (07:59):
yeah.
And I still wanted to keep upwith that, you know, facade of
I'm strong, I'm strong,independent woman.
I can do all of this, you know,And so I didn't take any lessons
learned to my next relationshipand I just ignore, ignore,
ignore.
Like, I don't have a mentalhealth problem.
I don't need to think aboutthat.
Angie Yu (08:19):
what was the timeframe between when your dad passed
away and when you start, seekinghelp to this point, I see you
Kristy Yee (08:28):
say that again.
I know.
like between, when my dad passedaway, when I looked for support,
is that right?
Angie Yu (08:38):
Yeah.
Kristy Yee (08:39):
less than a year, but when I looked for support,
it really wasn't, for my dadpassing away, it wasn't about
processing grief.
It was more like, yo, I just gotout of this relationship and I'm
feeling really shitty about it.
I think Okay.
So here's the thing I talkedabout.
Like ignore, ignore, ignore thanlike sort of seeing a counselor,
nothing really happened.
Then ignore, ignore, ignore.
(09:01):
I was ignoring because one face,I don't want people to know that
I have a mental illness and Ididn't really want to accept
that I have a mental illness.
I just pretended like thatchapter of my life didn't exist
when I went to the hospital.
However, in every relationshipthat I've ever been in and I am
(09:23):
a serial monogamous and all ofmy relationships are long-term
relationships.
so that means I just haven'tdated around.
Like, I don't know what thatmeans.
every single one of thoserelationships I have eventually
told them that, oh, I had.
Went to the hospital before,like this thing had happened to
(09:43):
me because it's a, it's a, it'sa dark shadow in my life.
But if this person is going tobe the most important person in
my life, I'd like them to knowthat.
So eventually they all knew thisstory of me.
and then I always feel like, dothey think less of me?
(10:04):
Do they think I'm crazy?
Do they think I'm too much tohandle?
Am I going like, is this goingto affect my relationship
negatively?
That has always loomed in theback of my mind.
And to be really honest, itstill does today in my current
(10:27):
relationship.
Angie Yu (10:28):
right.
And how can it not because thisis something that affects.
Every day.
Do you communicate with yourcurrent partner about this kind
of stuff?
I know that when you had yourvery depressive, episode before
you re-enrolled into yourmaster's program.
Cause I know you have beenadmitted and you decided to turn
(10:48):
it down.
And so during this depressiveepisode, he was there for you,
What about the day-to-day?
And I don't mean like everysingle day, but you know what I
mean?
Like the more consistentsupport, the more consistent
communication about your mentalhealth
Kristy Yee (11:03):
Yeah.
So if I'm having a particularlylow mood day, I will tell you.
But I I'm concerned that one dayit'll be too much to handle,
even though he hasn't displayedany signs of that.
(11:23):
You know what I mean?
Like he's been very supportive.
I think at the beginning,especially at the beginning of
my depressive episode last year,I sighed because I didn't know
what to call it, but that's whatwe're going to call it.
Now.
I could see that he tookinitiative because he didn't, I
don't think he really understooddepression or even understood
(11:47):
the importance of mental health,et cetera.
And I could see that he wasdoing research on his own.
It wasn't like, he told me itwas like, Hey, I'm like looking
this shit up.
Right.
But I, I can see that he, hekind of changed his behavior in
a more supportive way, ratherthan trying to like, tell me
(12:08):
what to do, you know, liketrying to fix the problem.
Right.
he will ask me like, you know,tell me more, you know, just
like little things like that,that I'm like, that's not
something that he would normallysay, but he said that.
So, you know, and then likelittle, little clues like that.
I'm like, I feel like he'sGoogling,
Angie Yu (12:24):
Yeah.
Kristy Yee (12:25):
he's doing some background Googling on like how
to be supportive when you'redating someone who has
Angie Yu (12:31):
Yeah.
It
Kristy Yee (12:32):
what I mean?
Angie Yu (12:32):
it.
Yeah.
And you know what?
That's really sweet.
And I think that shows that it,it's not gonna get too much for
him.
Of course.
That's just conjecture.
Right?
Like it shows that the firstthing he's going to do when
you're in these moods is notrunning away.
(12:54):
No, he's not going to go out formilk and never come back.
And that
Kristy Yee (12:59):
That's hella sad.
Angie Yu (13:00):
I,
Kristy Yee (13:01):
Woo
Angie Yu (13:02):
I know, that he's actually gonna his first step is
to see how he can support.
Have you told him that youappreciate that?
Kristy Yee (13:15):
Yes.
But now that you said it, maybeI don't say it enough, thank you
for that.
Oh, now I'm going to do somevalidation over there on that
end.
Other things, you mentioned dayto day, right?
So if there are certain days,sometimes I just have certain
days where I'm not in adepressive state, like I'm not,
(13:36):
you know, lying in bed for twomonths, but I just, I'm in low
mood for maybe two, three days.
Right.
I will tell him about it.
And I think at this point,because, you know, it's, we've
been doing this podcast, we'reso much more engrossed in the
mental health awareness that Ifeel like I'm more sensitive to
my own needs.
So I'm a little, you know, Inoticed it earlier if I'm, if
(13:58):
I'm dipping in the moods, so Iwill let him know.
And, and he'll, he'll be helpfulin that, you know, he'll be
like, Hey, why don't you go fora walk, you know, or suggest
something that I actually enjoy,that could help lift the mood up
kind of a thing without tryingto like, solve all my problems.
(14:19):
You know what I mean?
Just like making gentlesuggestions and reminders of
like, Hey, like, Like there's,you could always meditate.
Go for, he always, usually,tells me to like, go for a walk,
just like go outside and breathesome fresh air type of thing.
So that's kind of the day today.
(14:40):
But having said that, I stillthink about after every text,
I'm like, at what point will itbecome too much for him to
handle?
At what point will he stopsuggesting I go out for a walk
(15:03):
that's my own insecurities, Ihaven't really.
It's probably something I shouldwork on, but I'm not actively
working on it.
I got all the things going on.
Right.
And we can only work on so manythings at the same time.
Angie Yu (15:17):
yeah, of course.
And that's when you said thatearlier, when you were rolling.
You'll wonder, like at whatpoint he's just going to be
like, this is too much to handlewhen you said that my heart like
skipped a beat because that'salso my concern.
Especially every time I act likean asshole, I'm just like F
(15:41):
like, fuck, like he's sopatient.
And like, he's so understanding,and I'm such an asshole, like at
one point, he'd just be like,fuck this shit.
Right.
And, that's, that's somethingthat kind of sits in the back of
my mind too.
And when something triggers it,the insecurities around that
just like really, reallyhighlights that really hard.
(16:05):
And I would actually say thateven though our timelines are
different, the triggers of oursearch for healing and, our
fears are pretty much the.
'cause when I started my mentalhealth journey, like same thing.
when I talked about mychildhood, back in an earlier
(16:25):
episode in season one, when Iwas 10 or nine or something, and
I had walked into traffic.
I also was like, ignore, ignore,ignore to the point where I
like, totally forgot about it.
And by forgot, I mean, I, mymind subconsciously repressed it
because it was too painful tothink about.
(16:47):
So like ignore, ignore, ignore,ignore.
there were definitely signs hereand there, you know, like when
we were making mother's daycards in grade six we were doing
it on those old IBM computers.
Do you remember?
And then you would open up thatlike paint.
I don't kind of remember it waspaint and then you.
Kristy Yee (17:04):
Like kid picks.
Oh,
Angie Yu (17:07):
random stickers and stuff on
Kristy Yee (17:09):
the best, the best.
Angie Yu (17:11):
if I just unlocked a memory for a bunch of our
listeners?
Kristy Yee (17:14):
fucking loves computer class kid picks all the
right type I'm
Angie Yu (17:18):
Yes.
That's that's I think that'swhat it was.
but we were making cards and wewere printing them out and I
wrote, thanks mom, for bringingme into this cold cruel world.
And I was like 11 or somethinglike that.
And then I remember my friend,she like took a look at the car.
She started laughing.
She's like, why would you writethat?
(17:41):
Or like, like, that's she justlaughed?
I don't know.
Cause I guess she appreciatedthe dark humor or whatever, but
I totally met.
Like it was not a joke from mewhatsoever.
and again, that was somethingthat I didn't remember for a
long time as well.
And, yeah, just always likerepress repress, repress,
ignore, ignore, ignore.
And it was when my friend passedaway.
(18:03):
my friend, well, who I havementioned before he took his own
life.
So the grief around that was, itwas almost like it was grief for
him, but then also just fear formy own life.
And I remember after that hadhappened, I was in the middle of
like studying for an exam andthat exam just completely, like,
(18:24):
it was just not priorityanymore.
And it was walking through thestreets to meet my friend.
I just remember looking up, Iwas like downtown.
I just remember looking up pastthe buildings into the sky.
And I was like, what is thepoint of all this?
Because he, on the surface, hewas.
The perfect Chinese son.
He was going to law school atHarvard, like checked all the
(18:47):
boxes and he was stillabsolutely depressed.
So how can someone like him beso unhappy?
How can I be happy?
And there were these littlemoments where it's like, I
obviously need help.
And in my last relationship,there were even times when I
remember instead of like wantingto hang out with friends or
(19:11):
coworkers after work, I was justlike, I just want to go home and
sit on the couch.
And I think there was one pointwhere my previous partner was
like, I think you're just like,get some help.
And I was like, what?
No.
like, it really angered me thathe had brought that up.
(19:32):
I'm fine.
I can do this on my own.
I can deal with all my own.
I've been solving my ownproblems since I was a child.
I'm fine.
Right.
and then of course, the end ofthat relationship was so ugly.
and it was I got too much forhim to handle and he decided to
seek an alternativerelationship.
I don't know.
He cheated basically, but it wasa weird end to the relationship
(19:56):
because he didn't even want out.
It's like he was waiting for meto get better, but I wasn't
getting better.
when I ended that relationship,it was like, okay, so this
person who I thought would belike, who used to put me on a
pedal.
Couldn't even handle mydepression then who can handle
(20:18):
it.
Nobody.
And I just went into thisdownward spiral and I remember
talking to my friend, Betty, whoI've known since first day of
high school in homeroom.
That's how we met.
I like told her a bunch ofthings.
I was like going on just likethis rant.
(20:39):
And she was like, have you everconsidered going to therapy?
And I think the way she phrasedit was so different from the way
my x-rays did.
Right.
My ex was like, I think you needhelp, which is very attacking.
It doesn't come from a place ofcare.
And kindness comes from a, froma place of selfishness.
(21:02):
And in hindsight, yes, it didcome from a place of
selfishness.
Whereas my friend who trulycared about my wellbeing.
said, have you ever thoughtabout seeking therapy?
But the way that she had phrasedit made me think, huh, have I
ever considered it?
Instead of defending myselftowards an attack, it was kind
of like, that's a good question.
(21:25):
And that's what prompted me toseek help.
And I, again, same thing, samething as you, I went to see a
counselor first and did nothing.
I was like, you know what?
I don't need therapy.
I'm totally fine.
Because my facade, I was able totrick the counselor into
thinking I was totally.
'cause I was so good.
I was so good at putting up thatfront.
(21:46):
I had been doing it my wholelife.
I was so good at it.
but then I knew I needed help.
So I decided to look further forlike somebody who had an
expertise in this area.
And that's how I found mytherapist.
And that started my journey.
Kristy Yee (22:06):
so one takeaway from that is don't give up after the
first time you try to go seekhelp and no hate for counselors.
Okay.
It just, it just so happenedthat I was looking at a
counselor and Andrew looked in acounselor and just didn't work
out.
No hate on counselors.
the other thing that I reallyloved is you recognize the
difference between how your,your ex had responded and how
(22:27):
your.
Had responded.
And I think that says a lotbecause a lot of our
insecurities and theinsecurities that you mentioned
is if he can't handle me, whoelse in this world can, if even
he cannot love me then who elsecan love me, but I don't think
(22:52):
he loved you that much.
Angie Yu (22:53):
I don't think so either.
Kristy Yee (22:55):
So it's, I don't think you should be using that
as an example for anything.
Like, it's not a, not veryreliable
Angie Yu (23:02):
Source of information.
I'm in like, I'm in, like at theend of that relationship.
That's what I had thoughtobviously now that I've, you
know, had distanced myself fromthat relationship.
And I can think about it from amore rational perspective.
Like that was not real love.
It was selfish, it was abusiveemotionally.
It was not real love.
So, but it was like, it took meto love myself to realize that.
(23:30):
And, yeah, so, so because ofthat, I was able to take that
into my current relationship.
Kristy Yee (23:46):
so I want to know, because you started your mental
health journey, like right afterthis X, and now you have grown
so much more as a human, assomeone who understands yourself
a little bit more and takingthat into a new relationship.
(24:09):
How I have many questions, howdifferently would you say
compared to.
You're a previous relationshipand your current relationship,
like what were some of thelessons that you have taken or
some of the things that you'velearned through your mental
health journey that has, shown adifference in the way that
(24:29):
you've handled both of theserelationships?
Angie Yu (24:32):
Oh, my God.
It's like the complete 180, likeit's so it's exactly the
opposite.
Kristy Yee (24:37):
Okay.
Go on.
Angie Yu (24:41):
Well, like I did go on, I was dating in between on
and off.
And I remember I did go on adate with someone a couple of
times, or I can't remember howmany times, but I really liked
him.
and he seemed interested and hewas really kind person.
And I told them right off thebat, like, Hey, I'm not working
(25:02):
right now.
I'm taking a leave from work to,you know, get my mind healed,
will get my just heal basically.
And he completely understoodthat.
And he was not, he didn't showany sort of stigma towards it.
and we were making, we weretrying to make plans for our
third date and he kind of wentquiet on me and I was like, oh
(25:26):
no, You know, you get that gutfeeling.
Of course my friends are like,oh, you know, like, just give
him some time, like you just sawhim recently, like blah, blah,
blah.
And, so we had made plans andthen he kind of went back on his
plan.
He say, texted me and said,look, I think you're a great
girl, but I don't think you'reready for dating or for our
(25:51):
relationship.
And I was like, oh shit.
And of course, like he set thatvery straightforward.
He was honest.
Like, that's something thathonestly, in the, in the era of
all my dating more than what alot of people do.
so in hindsight, I obviouslyappreciate it, but when it
happened, I was a mess.
I cried so hard and I talked tomy therapist about it.
(26:11):
I'm like, I'm unlovable, I'm onlovable.
Like, nobody can love me likethis.
And, After that I was just like,okay, no more, no more dating.
I still went on dates here andthere just mostly for the
practice and the socialliability or whatever.
Like, I really didn't take manyof them that seriously.
(26:33):
I think also a lot of it wasbecause I was cheated on and I
realized that it wasn't reallove.
I need to, I needed to prove tomyself that I was indeed
desirable.
So I was going a lot of datesfor that.
and it was a lot of, it was forself-esteem as well.
and through that period of time,I was just worked on myself a
lot.
I worked on getting into arelationship with myself as
(26:56):
cheesy as that sounds, butthat's what I did.
And I was.
I was doing gray.
So I'm like, you know what, atime to go back into the dating
scene again, cause I'm doinggreat.
And you know, like, you know, ofblood going on first days,
whatever.
a friend even tried to set me upand then I met my current
partner and on our second daywhen I realized I liked him a
(27:17):
lot and I could see this goingsomewhere, I told him straight
away I have bipolar.
And I mentioned this in aprevious episode as well.
He said he really appreciatedthat.
So right off the bat, I figuredthere's no point in delaying
telling him he should know rightoff the bat that this is what
he's getting himself into.
And I told him, I was like, mybiggest fear is dying alone.
(27:39):
And he was like, yeah, I thinkme too.
And I guess that made merealize, Hey, that's probably.
A lot of people's fear.
Right.
If it's yeah, exactly.
and I would say the relationshipstill got off to a Rocky start
(28:00):
and I didn't really talk to mytherapist that much about the
relationship because every,like, there's all these good
hormones, right?
Like all the excitement of thenew relationship.
And I felt like I was fine, butreally that was just all the
good hormones replacing mynormal.
Like it, it basically lifted upmy baseline because of all the
happiness.
And then when our first fighthappened, I was like, fuck, I'm
(28:26):
on lovable.
So I finally went to, mytherapist was like, this is
what's happening.
I suck.
Nobody's going to love me.
the die alone.
And, we started going throughkind of the works again, working
through all that stuff, becauseI, at that point I was like, oh,
I know how to love myself.
I know how to be alone.
I was healthy being alone, butthen I still don't have, don't
(28:48):
know how to be healthy in arelationship.
So then I started going back tosee her again, more often on
this new journey on life.
And, with her help and with alot of homework, I was able to
integrate that into my currentrelationship, but not to say
there wasn't a lot of problems.
Like I was such an asshole in somany ways and he was incredibly
(29:11):
patient with me.
Kristy Yee (29:12):
what was one, give, give us an example of one
memorable piece of homework thatyou have.
Angie Yu (29:21):
it was expressing my needs in a relationship.
because I think this comes froma very cultural perspective and
my therapist is from the sameculture.
apparently these things that Iwas doing, like, I would just
tell her like, oh, this is whathappened.
what the fuck?
And she would be like, it soundslike to me, like you are giving
(29:43):
him a lot of tests.
And I was like, oh, damn.
Oh, damn.
I'm like, yeah, I think you'reright.
I think these tests are like myway of seeing if he will love me
Kristy Yee (29:57):
you're almost like setting him up hoping that yes.
But then hoping that the resultswill validate your yeah.
Angie Yu (30:09):
absolutely.
It was like a vicious cyclebecause the more I did that, the
more unlovable I became.
Right.
Who
Kristy Yee (30:15):
And then the more you believe that you're
unlovable, it's like you, youare.
Yes.
You're setting him for failure,but you're really actually
trying to set yourself up forfailure.
You're trying to prove toyourself that, Hey, it's true.
I'm not lovable.
Like, look, look at, look atwhat's happening.
Angie Yu (30:32):
Yeah.
It was a self-fulfillingprophecy.
And what my therapist said waslike, if you keep testing him,
there's no way he's gonna passall those tests.
And you're, you're just settingyourself up for disappointment.
It's not fair to him because ourrelationship is not about
constant tests.
and it's not healthy and it'snot a healthy way to meet your
(30:54):
needs.
And I was like, oh, damn.
Kristy Yee (30:58):
down.
Angie Yu (30:59):
Yeah.
So I was given the homework oflike how to.
Express my feelings, how toexpress what I need, which is
like, I don't know how to, Istill struggle with that.
We just, I was never taught andwe don't do that in our
Kristy Yee (31:15):
Yeah, because we don't talk about our needs.
Angie Yu (31:17):
No, like what does that even mean?
Right.
so yeah, that, I unfortunatelybrought a lot of past trauma
into my new relationship.
and the first, like when theglass shattered, things got
pretty bad and pretty Rocky.
(31:38):
and, and the reason why I told,him right off the bat that I
have both bipolar was I met himshortly after I was diagnosed
with bipolar and I was waitingto see a psychiatrist about it.
So I told him, I'm like, Hey, Iknow.
I was recently diagnosed withthis.
Apparently these are all thethings that might affect our
(31:59):
relationship and he wascompletely understanding of it.
but I definitely brought a lotof stuff into it and I brought a
lot of past trauma into it.
And one of the things of beinglike, Hey, am I unlovable?
Is he talking to other girls?
Is he looking for alternatives?
(32:21):
Because I'm unlovable andsomeone without a mental
illness, someone who's not mewould be so much easier to love
than me because I'm unlovable.
Kristy Yee (32:35):
so I needed to do that because those are exactly
the thoughts that go through myhead.
It would be so much easier forhim.
He would be so much happier inanother relationship with
someone who's quote unquotenormal.
(32:55):
I don't have any wise things tosay right now because I'm just
sitting right next to you in thesame thoughts and same feelings.
Angie Yu (33:06):
yeah, it's uncomfortable.
Kristy Yee (33:09):
And it's, and we don't have a solution to this
because we are still working onthis ourselves.
You asked me about the day today.
I'm going to ask you about thedaily.
Angie Yu (33:25):
I'm starting to recognize some of my.
Never really recognized thembefore.
I didn't realize how much Iappreciate alone time, because
my last relationship was socodependent and, my ex was so
possessive that I thought it wasnatural.
(33:46):
And you know, throughout my lifeI've always had somebody, there
to kind of ease my emotionalburden and that person was my
mom.
And because of that, I expectedthat if somebody loved me, they
would help me ease my emotionalburden, but that's not healthy.
(34:07):
And that sets up a child up forfailure.
Not that I'm saying it's mymom's fault.
It's just, that's how I wasraised.
And I realized that I can't, Ineed to step up and draw some
boundaries for her.
So that I can be moreindependent emotionally.
Kristy Yee (35:27):
I love what you just said there.
And I'm going to paraphrase isthat.
Is that we shouldn't expect thepeople that we love to carry our
emotional burdens.
That is not how someone showsthat they love you.
(35:47):
And I think that's reallypowerful because sometimes I
find that I am the most assholeymeanest person to the people
that I love the most.
Angie Yu (36:01):
me too.
Tell me why you think.
Kristy Yee (36:05):
I feel like it's because one, They love me so
they can handle it.
You know, like they're going to,basically my mom, she's going to
love me no matter what, youknow, so I can be an asshole.
And then also, I don't know ifthis is a subconscious thing
(36:29):
that I do, but it, it it's likeI tell myself I don't deserve
love.
So then I do things to pushpeople away.
And I, and I'm thinkingspecifically, like my partners
now, because they're notobligated to love me.
(36:51):
Like my mom is they can go awayat time.
Angie Yu (36:54):
That's right.
It's conditional.
It's absolutely conditional.
Kristy Yee (36:57):
So, but they are like the, you know, when I'm
dating this person, they are theclosest person to me.
Right.
Like, I, I.
Yeah.
And maybe I'm I think to myself,like I don't deserve that love,
or I don't deserve to havesomeone love me so much, or I
(37:19):
don't deserve for me to lovesomeone so much that I take them
for granted and therefore Ibecome an asshole and then I do
things that will push them awayso that I can prove to myself
that I am unlovable
Angie Yu (37:35):
yes, that's right.
Kristy Yee (37:37):
fucking cycles.
Angie Yu (37:38):
I, it feel the exact same way that when the people
closest to me always gets hurt.
And like I had this boundaryissue where I treated somebody
as if they were family.
This is, somebody that I saw asa sister, like an older sister.
And it was a relationship thatwas pretty much like a family,
(38:00):
but the thing is with Chinesefamilies that we don't know how
to draw boundaries, properlyemotional boundaries.
And we expect to be for theother person to share the
emotional burden.
And of course, that got too muchbecause that's absolutely
unhealthy for any type offriendship.
It's also unhealthy for familialrelationships like with your
parents.
(38:20):
So that ended badly as well.
And after that, I was like,well, fuck that shit.
I can't friends though.
Even love me, let alone like apartner.
but having dropped thatemotional laborer,
Kristy Yee (38:39):
Like being the emotional labor.
Angie Yu (38:41):
Like having, having lost that.
I wouldn't say it's supportcause it's not support it's,
it's having lost that crutch washealthier for the other person.
So in hindsight, I don'tunderstand why they had to end
the friendship, but also for myside, my therapist never said
(39:04):
anything about thesefriendships, but when that
ended, she asked me, how do youfeel now when you have to deal
with your own emotions?
And I said, I feel moreconfident.
And that's when I realized I hadto draw those boundaries with my
(39:24):
mom as well, because it's nothealthy.
I have to take care of my ownemotional.
No matter what Chinese culturesays.
Right.
And, fuck, where was I goingwith this?
Oh.
And so when I got into arelationship, I think this is
like very universal is thatwhatever dynamic we learn with
(39:46):
our parents, we tried to emulatethat in our adult relationships.
And so I was looking forsomebody to help me with my
emotional burden.
Of course was subconscious.
It's not like I sought outsomebody who would be able to do
that for me.
But I remember, there was onetime where I felt really sad for
absolutely no reason.
I just felt sad.
(40:06):
Right.
Like one of my sad, low pointsand I called the, my current
partner, I called my boyfriendand I was like, Hey, are you
doing?
And I called them for no reason.
I'm just like, I don't know.
I feel weird.
like, like you sound sad.
I'm like, yeah, He's like, oh,I'm sorry that you're sad.
(40:30):
And that made me so disappointedthat he said, I'm sorry or sad
because he's not trying to dothe emotional labor for me.
Isn't that fucked up.
And that fucked up that Iexpected that.
And I was like, oh my God, hedoesn't love me.
That was my first reaction waslike, oh my God, he doesn't love
(40:51):
me because he doesn't want tohelp me deal with this.
And then I let him go on thephone and I felt like, shit, I
didn't feel like shit because heset the right thing obviously.
But I felt like shit, because Iwas like, oh my God, he doesn't
love me.
Which is absolutely not true.
Right.
Because he didn't say, I don'tlove you.
(41:12):
That's not what he said.
But I made this conclusion.
I jumped to this conclusionbecause we were raised to think
that if you love somebody, youdo their emotional burden for
them.
So as the relationship went.
Every time this happened, Iquestioned whether he loves me
or not, until it did get toomuch for him.
(41:35):
And we broke up for a week.
But for me, that was kind oflike, we quote unquote broke up,
but it was more like a big fightbecause I'm not good at fights.
Cause because if we have afight, then I think the other
person's going to leave me andthen I don't react properly
(41:56):
instead of actually talking itout and working through the
fight.
I just do whatever it takes toget them back.
Kristy Yee (42:02):
Yeah.
Instead of using the logicalside, all of that, all the past
trauma that you have had,especially from your previous
relationship resurfaces again,and then the emotional side,
just like completely.
Angie Yu (42:16):
yeah, that's right.
That's right.
And yeah, I remember when we hada fight, all he needed was
space.
He even asked me for.
I just couldn't give it to himbecause I was just so scared.
And then finally I was like,okay, I'll I need to give you
space.
So I went into the bathroom andI cried and I don't know in my
mind I thought that he wouldcome and make sure I was okay,
(42:39):
but that's not how he handlesfights.
He needs time alone to think itthrough and then talk.
But I was just, I had this likechildish expectation that if I'm
in danger, whether that'semotional or physical, that
somebody is going to come andrescue me, somebody is going to
(42:59):
come and rescue me from my ownthoughts.
And of course nobody's going todo that.
So then over time I had torescue my self from my own
thoughts.
And that's still something thatI have to do when those
thoughts.
Kristy Yee (43:17):
I have felt similar things.
I have been in similarsituations where I expect that
the person is going to come runafter me and check on me and
then hug me and cuddle me andtell me that they love me and
that I'm going to be okay.
And that I can just be babiesbecause that is how they should
(43:40):
be showing their love for me.
That is how it proves to me thatthey care about me.
And then when they don't dothat, it feels like it's
affirming that I'm not lovable,but in reality, They needed
space themselves to work ontheir own thoughts and their own
(44:01):
emotions, because there are alsoanother human being that have
Angie Yu (44:06):
their own needs.
Kristy Yee (44:07):
shit.
Angie Yu (44:08):
Exactly.
Kristy Yee (44:11):
And it's, it's, it's so selfish of me to expect
another person to dropeverything, to drop their own
wellness and their ownwell-being to care for mine.
When the situation is hurting usboth
Angie Yu (44:32):
absolutely.
Yeah, but the thing is when yougo through that and when you
it's completely subconscious,it's not like you go out wanting
to hurt the other person whereuse the other person for
emotional labor.
And that's something I realizedI'm recovering from that
friendship breakup where, it wasa very unhealthy relationship
(44:55):
with somebody who I saw as asister.
And I remember my mom, when Itold my mom about everything
that went down, she said, Youknow, friends are friends, you
can't treat them like family.
I was like that quote, doesn'tjive with me because you
(45:18):
shouldn't treat family like thateither.
But my mom's saying that alsoshows how much she calls me.
that's when I was like, oh shit,my mom does coddle me and I need
to draw those boundaries for herown sake.
So as much as you know, therewere ugly breakups relationship
(45:44):
and friendships, in the past fewyears of my life.
And it was, they were all verypainful to go through, but I
think I needed that.
And obviously, like, I don'tfeel good about putting somebody
through my assholeness, but Ithink that has really opened up
(46:08):
to how to do my own emotionallabor.
And I'm learning how to do thatin my current relationship too.
And when I say learning isbecause it's a forever journey
like the other day, the otherweek, I was in a really low
mood.
And I didn't know why.
(46:30):
I guess, because it had been awhile since I had that low mood,
because I had been so busy withraising a puppy that I forgotten
how to deal with these thoughtsthat come to my mind where these
low moods, where my mood, justall of a sudden deaths and there
aren't even any thoughts.
It just low point, like mood notgood.
Kristy Yee (46:54):
yes, like you are.
So you are so entrenched intaking care of your puppy,
taking care of another organismthat you forgot what it was like
to take care of yourself.
And as people.
Manage mental illness day today, low moods can just come out
(47:14):
of fucking nowhere.
And I can't speak for you, butI'm going to use the definition
of bipolar.
Like you're, you're, it's apendulum, right?
And, and as part of thependulum, you're gonna swing
into low mood territory.
And that just fucking happens,you know?
Angie Yu (47:32):
Yeah.
And my pendulum swings like,overly it violently, but of
course it has calmed downbecause I'm on medication and
I'm changed my lifestyle.
But, yeah, I just felt like lowmood and I totally forgot.
I was like, what the fuck isthis?
So I started blaming my.
like, we don't go out enough.
We don't spend enough qualitytime together.
(47:54):
You don't take me out on datesanymore.
And I was just
Kristy Yee (47:57):
oh my God.
Angie Yu (47:58):
asshole because those things were true, but that's not
why I was in a low mood.
I was trying to figure out why Iwas in a low mood, like, because
it is true because we were busyraising a puppy.
Like our romantic life had takena step back.
But then for some reason I wasblaming him.
And I, you know, went throughthe whole thing, but, Fuck.
(48:20):
I totally forgot that I'mbipolar and that I have these
moments where I'm low mood andlike, instead of like blaming
other people, I need to like, belike, okay, why like what let's
be mindful.
Right.
Like, totally forgot about thatstuff.
so that's like an example of aday to day, like is how I
(48:40):
approach these little moves.
And of course, like when thathappened again, when I was like,
oh, I'm not feeling so great.
So I decided to like go to bedearly that night when I was not
feeling so good.
do some reading in bed and justlike, I was totally fine the
next day
Kristy Yee (48:53):
I think what's difficult is trying to tease
out, is it me?
Or is it the relationship?
And I like things like, oh, notspending a lot of quality time
together, not going out on dateslike that.
That is going to take a toll onthe relationship because it
takes effort to, you know, keepthe spark alive, keep it
(49:16):
interesting.
Keep it fun, et cetera.
And I think that is aresponsibility that comes from
both.
The difference here is that yourlow mood wasn't actually,
because of those things, youjust attributed it to it.
Like that was your firstinstinctive thought is to, oh,
it's not me, it's them, youknow?
And it could be that part ofyour brain that's, you know,
(49:38):
subconsciously trying tosabotage you, right.
The whole vicious cycle that wewere talking about.
That could be part of it.
I do want to point out, youknow, for our listeners pay
attention, like, see, is it, isit you?
Or is it the relationship?
You know?
Cause I don't want people toalso be taken advantage by their
partners.
I don't want to give permissionfor the other person to Gaslight
(50:00):
you.
Don't let people be like, oh,that's, that's just your bipolar
talking
Angie Yu (50:05):
Right, right,
Kristy Yee (50:05):
or that's just your depression talking.
That's all you.
Yeah.
So I think there's a, there's adifference in, you know, trying
to figure out is it, is itactually me and my subconscious
thoughts and the things that Iam working on?
Or are they gaslighting you Ithink in your situation, you
know, the example that you gavewas different because you were
(50:28):
like, okay, I'm going tojournal.
I'm going to do the things in mytoolbox.
And then you figure it out.
You're like, Hey, you know whatI do feel better now.
Like that was actually prettyselfish of me to just completely
throw the blame on you and pointthe finger at you when really I
just needed to like, oh yeah, Ihave bipolar.
I should, I should probably usesome of the things that I have
(50:49):
learned.
And.
Try to, mediate that that's thedifference, right?
It's like, you're like, okay,you stop you pause, you
questioned you did somethingabout it.
And then you're like, okay.
And then you apologized.
Whereas if the situation is theyare gaslighting you and then you
stop and pause and question andyou're like, Hmm, no, that
(51:12):
doesn't feel right.
Or if you use your toolbox andit doesn't work.
And you're like, no, I stillfeel like something is off.
Or I feel like, you know, gowith a gut, right?
Red flags, these things thenrevisit that conversation with
your partner and then beconfident that it's no, it's,
(51:33):
it's not me.
It's something going on with ourrelationship and we should have
a conversation.
Angie Yu (51:36):
that's right.
And an example of that would be,when I was suspicious of my ex,
I was like, oh, you have thesenew friends that you've never
introduced me to.
and also you told me that youdrove alone to this like group
gathering, but then I found somestuff in the backseat and he was
like, I can't believe you aquestion questioned me like
that.
(51:58):
And there was another time whereI was like, Hm, something
doesn't feel right.
Like, I'm not feeling so goodabout this.
And he just said, I think that'sher anxiety acting up.
So that would be an example ofgaslighting because you're
trying to have a conversationabout something and somebody
immediately dismisses yourconcerns and throws the whole
(52:20):
like, oh, you all you have, it'slike your anxiety or depression
or your bipolar.
Kristy Yee (52:24):
they're being very defensive and then using your
illness as a weapon againstyourself.
Again.
Angie Yu (52:30):
to, to make you question yourself rather than to
actually have a conversation.
Whereas when this was coming up,when I was blaming my boyfriend
for like these things, it wasn'teven, like I went up to him was
like, you, you blah, blah, blah,blah, blah.
You're I wasn't yelling at him.
I just said, look, I feel like,kind of sad lately.
this is how I feel.
(52:51):
And he would just be like, Hm,like, I'm sorry you feel that
way.
And that made me go, wow.
You know, rather than like, it'snot like he blamed me for
anything.
He, he didn't even mention mymental illness.
I think that's, that's a big,that's how I was thinking.
I think that's what made me go.
(53:12):
Hm.
That was not the kind ofreaction I was expecting.
I was expecting to be yelled ator to be gaslighted, but,
Kristy Yee (53:18):
Or to be carrying your emotional
Angie Yu (53:21):
right.
So it was that's right.
And it wasn't what I hadnormally experienced.
Right.
It may my neuron pathway switchto a different response.
So instead of responding how Iused to respond in these
situations, I responded in a newway that worked out for me.
(53:47):
So that's, I guess that's anexample of like day to day as
well.
When, when you do have likethings like triggers and PTSD
and.
Things that make you feel reallyinsecure.
Kristy Yee (53:58):
and that's just it, right?
Like you have come a really longway from your last relationship
to where you are at now.
We are continuing to practiceand grow and, you know, these
are just some examples andstories of our lives.
It doesn't mean.
This is the way you should dothings.
(54:19):
Or this is like the most perfectthing.
We're, we're trying to figurethis out ourselves.
And we, Angie and I have ourinsecurities as well.
I think the difference is we arenow trying to recognize that
these are our insecurities.
We recognize that, oh, we, weexpect other people to carry our
(54:44):
emotional shit and be coddled.
And maybe that's not the mosthealthiest thing, like starting
to have these realizations isgoing to help us move forward
and managing our ownrelationships and preserving our
relationships.
We don't have the answers toeverything, but we just want to
say that we continue to practice
Angie Yu (55:03):
and I think like what keeps us practicing and like
what keeps us in check is thatwe don't want to hurt our loved
ones anymore.
Like, we don't want to hurtthem.
I don't want to be an asshole.
I don't want to hurt him.
I don't want to hurt my mom.
I don't want to hurt my friends.
That's the last thing I want todo.
And even though I had nointentions of partying, my
(55:24):
friends, my actions didn't hurt.
So it doesn't matter what myintentions were.
I now need to find ways where myactions won't hurt my loved
ones.
And that's one thing that, youknow, if you're listening to
this and you are a caretaker andnot caretaker, as in like you do
the emotional labor, but as in,you're in a relationship with
someone who does have theseinsecurities and not even
(55:47):
necessarily a mental illness,but these insecurities or these
past traumas from pastrelationships, you know, make
sure you're drawing the rightboundaries, make sure you are
confident in your own needs andmake sure you feel appreciated
for everything that you do,because it is not easy.
(56:07):
And it goes both ways.
Like I'm sure there's a reasonwhy our boyfriends love us.
I'm sure we do things.
I'm sure we do things to makethem feel loved too.
And I'm sure they have their owninsecurities.
Like maybe they won't.
For us
Kristy Yee (56:24):
I, that is a really great point.
We all have insecurities.
A lot of times we just thinkabout our own and we forget that
other people have them too.
We forget that they also haveemotional needs.
We forget that they also need tohave space.
We forget that they also need toprocess and think about things
(56:48):
and work on their own mentalhealth as well.
Angie Yu (56:52):
yeah.
Kristy Yee (56:53):
are not everybody has mental health and mental
wellbeing to pay attention to.
And sometimes we forget that andI think that's a great reminder
and a great way to wrap uptoday's episode.
Angie Yu (57:07):
yes.
Kristy Yee (57:09):
So today we shared some stories.
Is there something you wanted toadd?
Angie Yu (57:14):
No, I just, right now, I just want to go outside and
give my boyfriend a hug and belike, Hey, I appreciate you.
Kristy Yee (57:20):
oh.
Angie Yu (57:21):
since like, like he's a huge vitamins guy.
So at nighttime, he always like,takes all his vitamins and he
always takes my pills out for
Kristy Yee (57:28):
Oh see.
That's that's that's real nice.
Angie Yu (57:32):
Yeah.
Right.
Isn't it.
That's so that's why I'm like,sometimes when I'm an asshole,
I'm like, how can I be anasshole to him?
Right.
Anyway.
Kristy Yee (57:40):
And then every day we just work on, work on
ourselves and work on ourrelationship and that's all that
we can.
Angie Yu (57:47):
that's right.
So if you came here to find aquick solution to how to be
lovable in a relationship,sorry, but there's no shortcut.
Kristy Yee (57:58):
wow.
It took them an hour to listento find that out.
Angie Yu (58:02):
Yup.
Psych I'm just kidding.
you know, yeah.
Sorry.
There is no shortcut.
You just have to put in thework.
Kristy Yee (58:11):
great.
Angie Yu (58:11):
listening.
Kristy Yee (58:12):
See you next episode.
Bye.
(58:48):
Oh, Mike.
So I just went on a WhatsApp,right.
And John just sent me a messagesaying there's a major gas leak
in my room.
Angie Yu (58:59):
he's not talking about flatulence, right?
Kristy Yee (59:03):
Oh, maybe.
Can we be loved?
I just want some love.
Angie Yu (00:29):
All right.
Welcome back to another episodeof shit.
We don't tell mom, this isAngie.
Kristy Yee (00:34):
This is Christie.
Angie Yu (00:35):
In today's episode, we start by discussing the
beginnings of our mental healthjourney and how we carry our
insecurities with us intorelationships and our
insecurities of not being lovedbecause we have a mental illness
and how we expect other peopleto take on our emotional
burdens.
we talk about how having learnedthe tools and resources from
(00:57):
working on our mental health,has helped our current
relationships and how we have.
learned from our pastrelationship traumas, how we
have taken our mistakes from thepast and try to just be better.
Kristy Yee (01:11):
We talk about how the tools that we have learned
has helped our relationship.
And we share a little bit ofsome of those tools and we give
you some examples and hope youenjoy the episode.
Angie Yu (01:28):
Your mental health journey has kind of been going
on for a while, right?
You don't have a very, you don'thave a definite like, oh, this
is what exactly when it started.
Whereas I had a very, definitelythis is when it started.
So for me, it's a lot easier torecall this.
what do you think was the moreobvious point of boom?
I'm going to start my mentalhealth journey.
Kristy Yee (01:51):
wow, that's a good question.
And really relevant to thisepisode.
my mental health journey hadreally been on and off.
So some of our poop troops mightknow that I was first diagnosed
after going to a, after beingadmitted to the hospital.
And I was told I have depressionwhen I was 12.
(02:14):
So that was my first likeencounter.
And then I was like hellaembarrassed, never going to tell
anybody about this experience,just ignore, ignore, ignore,
ignore, and try to live my lifeand just pretend that never
happened.
And then, and then around fourthor fifth year and some folks
might be like the fuck I was inpost-secondary for about nine
years.
So this is like halfway throughmy post-secondary journey.
(02:35):
I had a really bad breakup, theworst breakup I've had, I was in
school.
my dad had recently passed awayand I just.
Could not function well.
(02:55):
And that was like a sign thatmaybe I should revisit the idea
of seeking mental healthsupport, even though I was
avoiding, avoiding, avoiding upuntil then.
So this is probably like a good10 years after I was admitted to
(03:18):
the hospital.
And so I, I sought schoolcounseling cause that's free and
it's part of my tuition and Iguess it was then that I started
to think about, you know, how mymental health may or may not
have contributed to.
How I react in a datingrelationship, then I moved on
(03:45):
for that and like, ignore,ignore, ignore until like, I
don't have a mental healthproblem.
until like, I don't know, westarted this podcast.
Angie Yu (03:58):
you mean when you cried at my house after drinking
too much wine and we went intosome really deep shit we were
talking about like, why is it sodifficult to be a woman who's
about to turn 30?
It's difficult to be an Asianwoman being growing up in an
Asian household with immigrantparents.
I think we went into some reallydeep shit for what was supposed
(04:21):
to be like a, like a, Hey, wereconnected and let's hang out,
we'll have some wine, it'll befun.
And then just ended up crying,which was great.
I loved it.
It was very cathartic.
would you say that the death ofa loved one and the end of a
relationship that.
Combination of, you know, justso much grief kind of made you
(04:44):
go, okay, I'm not okay.
I need help.
Kristy Yee (04:50):
yeah, exactly.
It was that it was like, this istoo much.
Like I cannot handle thisanymore.
I think what it is is, and Ithink a lot of folks do this as
well.
We try to be strong all thefucking time.
I know in my regular life, Itake on a lot of projects.
(05:13):
That's something I'm working on.
Like even in therapy, like whydo I have to fill my schedule so
much?
Why do I have to do all thisstuff?
A part of that.
Me trying to prove, not just tomyself, but to others that I am
strong.
I am capable.
I am productive.
I'm a value, blah, blah, blah.
And then, and then, you know, mydad passed away and I'm like,
(05:38):
I'm strong.
I can do this.
I can, I can deal with all thelawyers and the bankers and the
government and blah, blah, blah.
Like I got this while going toschool.
And then the breakup happenedand it was like, did they say?
That like the toothpick on thecamel's back, the straw, the
(06:00):
straw, it was like, it was likethe, it was like the breaking
point.
I was like, I actually cannot, Icannot carry on, on all of this
stuff.
I pretend I can, for whateverreason, because of my value or
whatever, because of face.
(06:20):
But I couldn't any more.
And I remember going to schoollike walking to the bus stop and
taking the bus and just sofilled with grief and sadness
that I don't know how I would beable to pay attention in class.
And of course, as a studentclasses, everything like your
(06:43):
grades are your whole life.
And God forbid, you know, my dadpassing away and me going
through a breakup, that's goingto affect my grades.
Like I can't let that happen.
And that was when I'm like,okay, well, if I can't do this
by myself, then I'm going toneed some support.
(07:05):
And that was probably the firsttime I revisited mental health
support.
since, since I was young,because I was really against
mental health professionals,because as you know, They gave
me a not great first impression.
Angie Yu (07:21):
And how did you take that with you into your
following relationship?
Kristy Yee (07:27):
I did it because after I saw, I think they were
like school counselors orwhatnot.
I have no idea what theirdesignations are.
after I saw them a few times, I,I don't know it, maybe it just
didn't work out.
I don't really remember much ofit.
I felt like it wasn't as helpfulat the time.
(07:48):
And so I just went back to whatI did ignore, ignore, ignore.
I didn't tell anybody that I wasseeing a school counselor
because embarrassment
Angie Yu (07:57):
you felt ashamed.
Kristy Yee (07:59):
yeah.
And I still wanted to keep upwith that, you know, facade of
I'm strong, I'm strong,independent woman.
I can do all of this, you know,And so I didn't take any lessons
learned to my next relationshipand I just ignore, ignore,
ignore.
Like, I don't have a mentalhealth problem.
I don't need to think aboutthat.
Angie Yu (08:19):
what was the timeframe between when your dad passed
away and when you start, seekinghelp to this point, I see you
Kristy Yee (08:28):
say that again.
I know.
like between, when my dad passedaway, when I looked for support,
is that right?
Angie Yu (08:38):
Yeah.
Kristy Yee (08:39):
less than a year, but when I looked for support,
it really wasn't, for my dadpassing away, it wasn't about
processing grief.
It was more like, yo, I just gotout of this relationship and I'm
feeling really shitty about it.
I think Okay.
So here's the thing I talkedabout.
Like ignore, ignore, ignore thanlike sort of seeing a counselor,
nothing really happened.
Then ignore, ignore, ignore.
(09:01):
I was ignoring because one face,I don't want people to know that
I have a mental illness and Ididn't really want to accept
that I have a mental illness.
I just pretended like thatchapter of my life didn't exist
when I went to the hospital.
However, in every relationshipthat I've ever been in and I am
(09:23):
a serial monogamous and all ofmy relationships are long-term
relationships.
so that means I just haven'tdated around.
Like, I don't know what thatmeans.
every single one of thoserelationships I have eventually
told them that, oh, I had.
Went to the hospital before,like this thing had happened to
(09:43):
me because it's a, it's a, it'sa dark shadow in my life.
But if this person is going tobe the most important person in
my life, I'd like them to knowthat.
So eventually they all knew thisstory of me.
and then I always feel like, dothey think less of me?
(10:04):
Do they think I'm crazy?
Do they think I'm too much tohandle?
Am I going like, is this goingto affect my relationship
negatively?
That has always loomed in theback of my mind.
And to be really honest, itstill does today in my current
(10:27):
relationship.
Angie Yu (10:28):
right.
And how can it not because thisis something that affects.
Every day.
Do you communicate with yourcurrent partner about this kind
of stuff?
I know that when you had yourvery depressive, episode before
you re-enrolled into yourmaster's program.
Cause I know you have beenadmitted and you decided to turn
(10:48):
it down.
And so during this depressiveepisode, he was there for you,
What about the day-to-day?
And I don't mean like everysingle day, but you know what I
mean?
Like the more consistentsupport, the more consistent
communication about your mentalhealth
Kristy Yee (11:03):
Yeah.
So if I'm having a particularlylow mood day, I will tell you.
But I I'm concerned that one dayit'll be too much to handle,
even though he hasn't displayedany signs of that.
(11:23):
You know what I mean?
Like he's been very supportive.
I think at the beginning,especially at the beginning of
my depressive episode last year,I sighed because I didn't know
what to call it, but that's whatwe're going to call it.
Now.
I could see that he tookinitiative because he didn't, I
don't think he really understooddepression or even understood
(11:47):
the importance of mental health,et cetera.
And I could see that he wasdoing research on his own.
It wasn't like, he told me itwas like, Hey, I'm like looking
this shit up.
Right.
But I, I can see that he, hekind of changed his behavior in
a more supportive way, ratherthan trying to like, tell me
(12:08):
what to do, you know, liketrying to fix the problem.
Right.
he will ask me like, you know,tell me more, you know, just
like little things like that,that I'm like, that's not
something that he would normallysay, but he said that.
So, you know, and then likelittle, little clues like that.
I'm like, I feel like he'sGoogling,
Angie Yu (12:24):
Yeah.
Kristy Yee (12:25):
he's doing some background Googling on like how
to be supportive when you'redating someone who has
Angie Yu (12:31):
Yeah.
It
Kristy Yee (12:32):
what I mean?
Angie Yu (12:32):
it.
Yeah.
And you know what?
That's really sweet.
And I think that shows that it,it's not gonna get too much for
him.
Of course.
That's just conjecture.
Right?
Like it shows that the firstthing he's going to do when
you're in these moods is notrunning away.
(12:54):
No, he's not going to go out formilk and never come back.
And that
Kristy Yee (12:59):
That's hella sad.
Angie Yu (13:00):
I,
Kristy Yee (13:01):
Woo
Angie Yu (13:02):
I know, that he's actually gonna his first step is
to see how he can support.
Have you told him that youappreciate that?
Kristy Yee (13:15):
Yes.
But now that you said it, maybeI don't say it enough, thank you
for that.
Oh, now I'm going to do somevalidation over there on that
end.
Other things, you mentioned dayto day, right?
So if there are certain days,sometimes I just have certain
days where I'm not in adepressive state, like I'm not,
(13:36):
you know, lying in bed for twomonths, but I just, I'm in low
mood for maybe two, three days.
Right.
I will tell him about it.
And I think at this point,because, you know, it's, we've
been doing this podcast, we'reso much more engrossed in the
mental health awareness that Ifeel like I'm more sensitive to
my own needs.
So I'm a little, you know, Inoticed it earlier if I'm, if
(13:58):
I'm dipping in the moods, so Iwill let him know.
And, and he'll, he'll be helpfulin that, you know, he'll be
like, Hey, why don't you go fora walk, you know, or suggest
something that I actually enjoy,that could help lift the mood up
kind of a thing without tryingto like, solve all my problems.
(14:19):
You know what I mean?
Just like making gentlesuggestions and reminders of
like, Hey, like, Like there's,you could always meditate.
Go for, he always, usually,tells me to like, go for a walk,
just like go outside and breathesome fresh air type of thing.
So that's kind of the day today.
(14:40):
But having said that, I stillthink about after every text,
I'm like, at what point will itbecome too much for him to
handle?
At what point will he stopsuggesting I go out for a walk
(15:03):
that's my own insecurities, Ihaven't really.
It's probably something I shouldwork on, but I'm not actively
working on it.
I got all the things going on.
Right.
And we can only work on so manythings at the same time.
Angie Yu (15:17):
yeah, of course.
And that's when you said thatearlier, when you were rolling.
You'll wonder, like at whatpoint he's just going to be
like, this is too much to handlewhen you said that my heart like
skipped a beat because that'salso my concern.
Especially every time I act likean asshole, I'm just like F
(15:41):
like, fuck, like he's sopatient.
And like, he's so understanding,and I'm such an asshole, like at
one point, he'd just be like,fuck this shit.
Right.
And, that's, that's somethingthat kind of sits in the back of
my mind too.
And when something triggers it,the insecurities around that
just like really, reallyhighlights that really hard.
(16:05):
And I would actually say thateven though our timelines are
different, the triggers of oursearch for healing and, our
fears are pretty much the.
'cause when I started my mentalhealth journey, like same thing.
when I talked about mychildhood, back in an earlier
(16:25):
episode in season one, when Iwas 10 or nine or something, and
I had walked into traffic.
I also was like, ignore, ignore,ignore to the point where I
like, totally forgot about it.
And by forgot, I mean, I, mymind subconsciously repressed it
because it was too painful tothink about.
(16:47):
So like ignore, ignore, ignore,ignore.
there were definitely signs hereand there, you know, like when
we were making mother's daycards in grade six we were doing
it on those old IBM computers.
Do you remember?
And then you would open up thatlike paint.
I don't kind of remember it waspaint and then you.
Kristy Yee (17:04):
Like kid picks.
Oh,
Angie Yu (17:07):
random stickers and stuff on
Kristy Yee (17:09):
the best, the best.
Angie Yu (17:11):
if I just unlocked a memory for a bunch of our
listeners?
Kristy Yee (17:14):
fucking loves computer class kid picks all the
right type I'm
Angie Yu (17:18):
Yes.
That's that's I think that'swhat it was.
but we were making cards and wewere printing them out and I
wrote, thanks mom, for bringingme into this cold cruel world.
And I was like 11 or somethinglike that.
And then I remember my friend,she like took a look at the car.
She started laughing.
She's like, why would you writethat?
(17:41):
Or like, like, that's she justlaughed?
I don't know.
Cause I guess she appreciatedthe dark humor or whatever, but
I totally met.
Like it was not a joke from mewhatsoever.
and again, that was somethingthat I didn't remember for a
long time as well.
And, yeah, just always likerepress repress, repress,
ignore, ignore, ignore.
And it was when my friend passedaway.
(18:03):
my friend, well, who I havementioned before he took his own
life.
So the grief around that was, itwas almost like it was grief for
him, but then also just fear formy own life.
And I remember after that hadhappened, I was in the middle of
like studying for an exam andthat exam just completely, like,
(18:24):
it was just not priorityanymore.
And it was walking through thestreets to meet my friend.
I just remember looking up, Iwas like downtown.
I just remember looking up pastthe buildings into the sky.
And I was like, what is thepoint of all this?
Because he, on the surface, hewas.
The perfect Chinese son.
He was going to law school atHarvard, like checked all the
(18:47):
boxes and he was stillabsolutely depressed.
So how can someone like him beso unhappy?
How can I be happy?
And there were these littlemoments where it's like, I
obviously need help.
And in my last relationship,there were even times when I
remember instead of like wantingto hang out with friends or
(19:11):
coworkers after work, I was justlike, I just want to go home and
sit on the couch.
And I think there was one pointwhere my previous partner was
like, I think you're just like,get some help.
And I was like, what?
No.
like, it really angered me thathe had brought that up.
(19:32):
I'm fine.
I can do this on my own.
I can deal with all my own.
I've been solving my ownproblems since I was a child.
I'm fine.
Right.
and then of course, the end ofthat relationship was so ugly.
and it was I got too much forhim to handle and he decided to
seek an alternativerelationship.
I don't know.
He cheated basically, but it wasa weird end to the relationship
(19:56):
because he didn't even want out.
It's like he was waiting for meto get better, but I wasn't
getting better.
when I ended that relationship,it was like, okay, so this
person who I thought would belike, who used to put me on a
pedal.
Couldn't even handle mydepression then who can handle
(20:18):
it.
Nobody.
And I just went into thisdownward spiral and I remember
talking to my friend, Betty, whoI've known since first day of
high school in homeroom.
That's how we met.
I like told her a bunch ofthings.
I was like going on just likethis rant.
(20:39):
And she was like, have you everconsidered going to therapy?
And I think the way she phrasedit was so different from the way
my x-rays did.
Right.
My ex was like, I think you needhelp, which is very attacking.
It doesn't come from a place ofcare.
And kindness comes from a, froma place of selfishness.
(21:02):
And in hindsight, yes, it didcome from a place of
selfishness.
Whereas my friend who trulycared about my wellbeing.
said, have you ever thoughtabout seeking therapy?
But the way that she had phrasedit made me think, huh, have I
ever considered it?
Instead of defending myselftowards an attack, it was kind
of like, that's a good question.
(21:25):
And that's what prompted me toseek help.
And I, again, same thing, samething as you, I went to see a
counselor first and did nothing.
I was like, you know what?
I don't need therapy.
I'm totally fine.
Because my facade, I was able totrick the counselor into
thinking I was totally.
'cause I was so good.
I was so good at putting up thatfront.
(21:46):
I had been doing it my wholelife.
I was so good at it.
but then I knew I needed help.
So I decided to look further forlike somebody who had an
expertise in this area.
And that's how I found mytherapist.
And that started my journey.
Kristy Yee (22:06):
so one takeaway from that is don't give up after the
first time you try to go seekhelp and no hate for counselors.
Okay.
It just, it just so happenedthat I was looking at a
counselor and Andrew looked in acounselor and just didn't work
out.
No hate on counselors.
the other thing that I reallyloved is you recognize the
difference between how your,your ex had responded and how
(22:27):
your.
Had responded.
And I think that says a lotbecause a lot of our
insecurities and theinsecurities that you mentioned
is if he can't handle me, whoelse in this world can, if even
he cannot love me then who elsecan love me, but I don't think
(22:52):
he loved you that much.
Angie Yu (22:53):
I don't think so either.
Kristy Yee (22:55):
So it's, I don't think you should be using that
as an example for anything.
Like, it's not a, not veryreliable
Angie Yu (23:02):
Source of information.
I'm in like, I'm in, like at theend of that relationship.
That's what I had thoughtobviously now that I've, you
know, had distanced myself fromthat relationship.
And I can think about it from amore rational perspective.
Like that was not real love.
It was selfish, it was abusiveemotionally.
It was not real love.
So, but it was like, it took meto love myself to realize that.
(23:30):
And, yeah, so, so because ofthat, I was able to take that
into my current relationship.
Kristy Yee (23:46):
so I want to know, because you started your mental
health journey, like right afterthis X, and now you have grown
so much more as a human, assomeone who understands yourself
a little bit more and takingthat into a new relationship.
(24:09):
How I have many questions, howdifferently would you say
compared to.
You're a previous relationshipand your current relationship,
like what were some of thelessons that you have taken or
some of the things that you'velearned through your mental
health journey that has, shown adifference in the way that
(24:29):
you've handled both of theserelationships?
Angie Yu (24:32):
Oh, my God.
It's like the complete 180, likeit's so it's exactly the
opposite.
Kristy Yee (24:37):
Okay.
Go on.
Angie Yu (24:41):
Well, like I did go on, I was dating in between on
and off.
And I remember I did go on adate with someone a couple of
times, or I can't remember howmany times, but I really liked
him.
and he seemed interested and hewas really kind person.
And I told them right off thebat, like, Hey, I'm not working
(25:02):
right now.
I'm taking a leave from work to,you know, get my mind healed,
will get my just heal basically.
And he completely understoodthat.
And he was not, he didn't showany sort of stigma towards it.
and we were making, we weretrying to make plans for our
third date and he kind of wentquiet on me and I was like, oh
(25:26):
no, You know, you get that gutfeeling.
Of course my friends are like,oh, you know, like, just give
him some time, like you just sawhim recently, like blah, blah,
blah.
And, so we had made plans andthen he kind of went back on his
plan.
He say, texted me and said,look, I think you're a great
girl, but I don't think you'reready for dating or for our
(25:51):
relationship.
And I was like, oh shit.
And of course, like he set thatvery straightforward.
He was honest.
Like, that's something thathonestly, in the, in the era of
all my dating more than what alot of people do.
so in hindsight, I obviouslyappreciate it, but when it
happened, I was a mess.
I cried so hard and I talked tomy therapist about it.
(26:11):
I'm like, I'm unlovable, I'm onlovable.
Like, nobody can love me likethis.
And, After that I was just like,okay, no more, no more dating.
I still went on dates here andthere just mostly for the
practice and the socialliability or whatever.
Like, I really didn't take manyof them that seriously.
(26:33):
I think also a lot of it wasbecause I was cheated on and I
realized that it wasn't reallove.
I need to, I needed to prove tomyself that I was indeed
desirable.
So I was going a lot of datesfor that.
and it was a lot of, it was forself-esteem as well.
and through that period of time,I was just worked on myself a
lot.
I worked on getting into arelationship with myself as
(26:56):
cheesy as that sounds, butthat's what I did.
And I was.
I was doing gray.
So I'm like, you know what, atime to go back into the dating
scene again, cause I'm doinggreat.
And you know, like, you know, ofblood going on first days,
whatever.
a friend even tried to set me upand then I met my current
partner and on our second daywhen I realized I liked him a
(27:17):
lot and I could see this goingsomewhere, I told him straight
away I have bipolar.
And I mentioned this in aprevious episode as well.
He said he really appreciatedthat.
So right off the bat, I figuredthere's no point in delaying
telling him he should know rightoff the bat that this is what
he's getting himself into.
And I told him, I was like, mybiggest fear is dying alone.
(27:39):
And he was like, yeah, I thinkme too.
And I guess that made merealize, Hey, that's probably.
A lot of people's fear.
Right.
If it's yeah, exactly.
and I would say the relationshipstill got off to a Rocky start
(28:00):
and I didn't really talk to mytherapist that much about the
relationship because every,like, there's all these good
hormones, right?
Like all the excitement of thenew relationship.
And I felt like I was fine, butreally that was just all the
good hormones replacing mynormal.
Like it, it basically lifted upmy baseline because of all the
happiness.
And then when our first fighthappened, I was like, fuck, I'm
(28:26):
on lovable.
So I finally went to, mytherapist was like, this is
what's happening.
I suck.
Nobody's going to love me.
the die alone.
And, we started going throughkind of the works again, working
through all that stuff, becauseI, at that point I was like, oh,
I know how to love myself.
I know how to be alone.
I was healthy being alone, butthen I still don't have, don't
(28:48):
know how to be healthy in arelationship.
So then I started going back tosee her again, more often on
this new journey on life.
And, with her help and with alot of homework, I was able to
integrate that into my currentrelationship, but not to say
there wasn't a lot of problems.
Like I was such an asshole in somany ways and he was incredibly
(29:11):
patient with me.
Kristy Yee (29:12):
what was one, give, give us an example of one
memorable piece of homework thatyou have.
Angie Yu (29:21):
it was expressing my needs in a relationship.
because I think this comes froma very cultural perspective and
my therapist is from the sameculture.
apparently these things that Iwas doing, like, I would just
tell her like, oh, this is whathappened.
what the fuck?
And she would be like, it soundslike to me, like you are giving
(29:43):
him a lot of tests.
And I was like, oh, damn.
Oh, damn.
I'm like, yeah, I think you'reright.
I think these tests are like myway of seeing if he will love me
Kristy Yee (29:57):
you're almost like setting him up hoping that yes.
But then hoping that the resultswill validate your yeah.
Angie Yu (30:09):
absolutely.
It was like a vicious cyclebecause the more I did that, the
more unlovable I became.
Right.
Who
Kristy Yee (30:15):
And then the more you believe that you're
unlovable, it's like you, youare.
Yes.
You're setting him for failure,but you're really actually
trying to set yourself up forfailure.
You're trying to prove toyourself that, Hey, it's true.
I'm not lovable.
Like, look, look at, look atwhat's happening.
Angie Yu (30:32):
Yeah.
It was a self-fulfillingprophecy.
And what my therapist said waslike, if you keep testing him,
there's no way he's gonna passall those tests.
And you're, you're just settingyourself up for disappointment.
It's not fair to him because ourrelationship is not about
constant tests.
and it's not healthy and it'snot a healthy way to meet your
(30:54):
needs.
And I was like, oh, damn.
Kristy Yee (30:58):
down.
Angie Yu (30:59):
Yeah.
So I was given the homework oflike how to.
Express my feelings, how toexpress what I need, which is
like, I don't know how to, Istill struggle with that.
We just, I was never taught andwe don't do that in our
Kristy Yee (31:15):
Yeah, because we don't talk about our needs.
Angie Yu (31:17):
No, like what does that even mean?
Right.
so yeah, that, I unfortunatelybrought a lot of past trauma
into my new relationship.
and the first, like when theglass shattered, things got
pretty bad and pretty Rocky.
(31:38):
and, and the reason why I told,him right off the bat that I
have both bipolar was I met himshortly after I was diagnosed
with bipolar and I was waitingto see a psychiatrist about it.
So I told him, I'm like, Hey, Iknow.
I was recently diagnosed withthis.
Apparently these are all thethings that might affect our
(31:59):
relationship and he wascompletely understanding of it.
but I definitely brought a lotof stuff into it and I brought a
lot of past trauma into it.
And one of the things of beinglike, Hey, am I unlovable?
Is he talking to other girls?
Is he looking for alternatives?
(32:21):
Because I'm unlovable andsomeone without a mental
illness, someone who's not mewould be so much easier to love
than me because I'm unlovable.
Kristy Yee (32:35):
so I needed to do that because those are exactly
the thoughts that go through myhead.
It would be so much easier forhim.
He would be so much happier inanother relationship with
someone who's quote unquotenormal.
(32:55):
I don't have any wise things tosay right now because I'm just
sitting right next to you in thesame thoughts and same feelings.
Angie Yu (33:06):
yeah, it's uncomfortable.
Kristy Yee (33:09):
And it's, and we don't have a solution to this
because we are still working onthis ourselves.
You asked me about the day today.
I'm going to ask you about thedaily.
Angie Yu (33:25):
I'm starting to recognize some of my.
Never really recognized thembefore.
I didn't realize how much Iappreciate alone time, because
my last relationship was socodependent and, my ex was so
possessive that I thought it wasnatural.
(33:46):
And you know, throughout my lifeI've always had somebody, there
to kind of ease my emotionalburden and that person was my
mom.
And because of that, I expectedthat if somebody loved me, they
would help me ease my emotionalburden, but that's not healthy.
(34:07):
And that sets up a child up forfailure.
Not that I'm saying it's mymom's fault.
It's just, that's how I wasraised.
And I realized that I can't, Ineed to step up and draw some
boundaries for her.
So that I can be moreindependent emotionally.
Kristy Yee (35:27):
I love what you just said there.
And I'm going to paraphrase isthat.
Is that we shouldn't expect thepeople that we love to carry our
emotional burdens.
That is not how someone showsthat they love you.
(35:47):
And I think that's reallypowerful because sometimes I
find that I am the most assholeymeanest person to the people
that I love the most.
Angie Yu (36:01):
me too.
Tell me why you think.
Kristy Yee (36:05):
I feel like it's because one, They love me so
they can handle it.
You know, like they're going to,basically my mom, she's going to
love me no matter what, youknow, so I can be an asshole.
And then also, I don't know ifthis is a subconscious thing
(36:29):
that I do, but it, it it's likeI tell myself I don't deserve
love.
So then I do things to pushpeople away.
And I, and I'm thinkingspecifically, like my partners
now, because they're notobligated to love me.
(36:51):
Like my mom is they can go awayat time.
Angie Yu (36:54):
That's right.
It's conditional.
It's absolutely conditional.
Kristy Yee (36:57):
So, but they are like the, you know, when I'm
dating this person, they are theclosest person to me.
Right.
Like, I, I.
Yeah.
And maybe I'm I think to myself,like I don't deserve that love,
or I don't deserve to havesomeone love me so much, or I
(37:19):
don't deserve for me to lovesomeone so much that I take them
for granted and therefore Ibecome an asshole and then I do
things that will push them awayso that I can prove to myself
that I am unlovable
Angie Yu (37:35):
yes, that's right.
Kristy Yee (37:37):
fucking cycles.
Angie Yu (37:38):
I, it feel the exact same way that when the people
closest to me always gets hurt.
And like I had this boundaryissue where I treated somebody
as if they were family.
This is, somebody that I saw asa sister, like an older sister.
And it was a relationship thatwas pretty much like a family,
(38:00):
but the thing is with Chinesefamilies that we don't know how
to draw boundaries, properlyemotional boundaries.
And we expect to be for theother person to share the
emotional burden.
And of course, that got too muchbecause that's absolutely
unhealthy for any type offriendship.
It's also unhealthy for familialrelationships like with your
parents.
(38:20):
So that ended badly as well.
And after that, I was like,well, fuck that shit.
I can't friends though.
Even love me, let alone like apartner.
but having dropped thatemotional laborer,
Kristy Yee (38:39):
Like being the emotional labor.
Angie Yu (38:41):
Like having, having lost that.
I wouldn't say it's supportcause it's not support it's,
it's having lost that crutch washealthier for the other person.
So in hindsight, I don'tunderstand why they had to end
the friendship, but also for myside, my therapist never said
(39:04):
anything about thesefriendships, but when that
ended, she asked me, how do youfeel now when you have to deal
with your own emotions?
And I said, I feel moreconfident.
And that's when I realized I hadto draw those boundaries with my
(39:24):
mom as well, because it's nothealthy.
I have to take care of my ownemotional.
No matter what Chinese culturesays.
Right.
And, fuck, where was I goingwith this?
Oh.
And so when I got into arelationship, I think this is
like very universal is thatwhatever dynamic we learn with
(39:46):
our parents, we tried to emulatethat in our adult relationships.
And so I was looking forsomebody to help me with my
emotional burden.
Of course was subconscious.
It's not like I sought outsomebody who would be able to do
that for me.
But I remember, there was onetime where I felt really sad for
absolutely no reason.
I just felt sad.
(40:06):
Right.
Like one of my sad, low pointsand I called the, my current
partner, I called my boyfriendand I was like, Hey, are you
doing?
And I called them for no reason.
I'm just like, I don't know.
I feel weird.
like, like you sound sad.
I'm like, yeah, He's like, oh,I'm sorry that you're sad.
(40:30):
And that made me so disappointedthat he said, I'm sorry or sad
because he's not trying to dothe emotional labor for me.
Isn't that fucked up.
And that fucked up that Iexpected that.
And I was like, oh my God, hedoesn't love me.
That was my first reaction waslike, oh my God, he doesn't love
(40:51):
me because he doesn't want tohelp me deal with this.
And then I let him go on thephone and I felt like, shit, I
didn't feel like shit because heset the right thing obviously.
But I felt like shit, because Iwas like, oh my God, he doesn't
love me.
Which is absolutely not true.
Right.
Because he didn't say, I don'tlove you.
(41:12):
That's not what he said.
But I made this conclusion.
I jumped to this conclusionbecause we were raised to think
that if you love somebody, youdo their emotional burden for
them.
So as the relationship went.
Every time this happened, Iquestioned whether he loves me
or not, until it did get toomuch for him.
(41:35):
And we broke up for a week.
But for me, that was kind oflike, we quote unquote broke up,
but it was more like a big fightbecause I'm not good at fights.
Cause because if we have afight, then I think the other
person's going to leave me andthen I don't react properly
(41:56):
instead of actually talking itout and working through the
fight.
I just do whatever it takes toget them back.
Kristy Yee (42:02):
Yeah.
Instead of using the logicalside, all of that, all the past
trauma that you have had,especially from your previous
relationship resurfaces again,and then the emotional side,
just like completely.
Angie Yu (42:16):
yeah, that's right.
That's right.
And yeah, I remember when we hada fight, all he needed was
space.
He even asked me for.
I just couldn't give it to himbecause I was just so scared.
And then finally I was like,okay, I'll I need to give you
space.
So I went into the bathroom andI cried and I don't know in my
mind I thought that he wouldcome and make sure I was okay,
(42:39):
but that's not how he handlesfights.
He needs time alone to think itthrough and then talk.
But I was just, I had this likechildish expectation that if I'm
in danger, whether that'semotional or physical, that
somebody is going to come andrescue me, somebody is going to
(42:59):
come and rescue me from my ownthoughts.
And of course nobody's going todo that.
So then over time I had torescue my self from my own
thoughts.
And that's still something thatI have to do when those
thoughts.
Kristy Yee (43:17):
I have felt similar things.
I have been in similarsituations where I expect that
the person is going to come runafter me and check on me and
then hug me and cuddle me andtell me that they love me and
that I'm going to be okay.
And that I can just be babiesbecause that is how they should
(43:40):
be showing their love for me.
That is how it proves to me thatthey care about me.
And then when they don't dothat, it feels like it's
affirming that I'm not lovable,but in reality, They needed
space themselves to work ontheir own thoughts and their own
(44:01):
emotions, because there are alsoanother human being that have
Angie Yu (44:06):
their own needs.
Kristy Yee (44:07):
shit.
Angie Yu (44:08):
Exactly.
Kristy Yee (44:11):
And it's, it's, it's so selfish of me to expect
another person to dropeverything, to drop their own
wellness and their ownwell-being to care for mine.
When the situation is hurting usboth
Angie Yu (44:32):
absolutely.
Yeah, but the thing is when yougo through that and when you
it's completely subconscious,it's not like you go out wanting
to hurt the other person whereuse the other person for
emotional labor.
And that's something I realizedI'm recovering from that
friendship breakup where, it wasa very unhealthy relationship
(44:55):
with somebody who I saw as asister.
And I remember my mom, when Itold my mom about everything
that went down, she said, Youknow, friends are friends, you
can't treat them like family.
I was like that quote, doesn'tjive with me because you
(45:18):
shouldn't treat family like thateither.
But my mom's saying that alsoshows how much she calls me.
that's when I was like, oh shit,my mom does coddle me and I need
to draw those boundaries for herown sake.
So as much as you know, therewere ugly breakups relationship
(45:44):
and friendships, in the past fewyears of my life.
And it was, they were all verypainful to go through, but I
think I needed that.
And obviously, like, I don'tfeel good about putting somebody
through my assholeness, but Ithink that has really opened up
(46:08):
to how to do my own emotionallabor.
And I'm learning how to do thatin my current relationship too.
And when I say learning isbecause it's a forever journey
like the other day, the otherweek, I was in a really low
mood.
And I didn't know why.
(46:30):
I guess, because it had been awhile since I had that low mood,
because I had been so busy withraising a puppy that I forgotten
how to deal with these thoughtsthat come to my mind where these
low moods, where my mood, justall of a sudden deaths and there
aren't even any thoughts.
It just low point, like mood notgood.
Kristy Yee (46:54):
yes, like you are.
So you are so entrenched intaking care of your puppy,
taking care of another organismthat you forgot what it was like
to take care of yourself.
And as people.
Manage mental illness day today, low moods can just come out
(47:14):
of fucking nowhere.
And I can't speak for you, butI'm going to use the definition
of bipolar.
Like you're, you're, it's apendulum, right?
And, and as part of thependulum, you're gonna swing
into low mood territory.
And that just fucking happens,you know?
Angie Yu (47:32):
Yeah.
And my pendulum swings like,overly it violently, but of
course it has calmed downbecause I'm on medication and
I'm changed my lifestyle.
But, yeah, I just felt like lowmood and I totally forgot.
I was like, what the fuck isthis?
So I started blaming my.
like, we don't go out enough.
We don't spend enough qualitytime together.
(47:54):
You don't take me out on datesanymore.
And I was just
Kristy Yee (47:57):
oh my God.
Angie Yu (47:58):
asshole because those things were true, but that's not
why I was in a low mood.
I was trying to figure out why Iwas in a low mood, like, because
it is true because we were busyraising a puppy.
Like our romantic life had takena step back.
But then for some reason I wasblaming him.
And I, you know, went throughthe whole thing, but, Fuck.
(48:20):
I totally forgot that I'mbipolar and that I have these
moments where I'm low mood andlike, instead of like blaming
other people, I need to like, belike, okay, why like what let's
be mindful.
Right.
Like, totally forgot about thatstuff.
so that's like an example of aday to day, like is how I
(48:40):
approach these little moves.
And of course, like when thathappened again, when I was like,
oh, I'm not feeling so great.
So I decided to like go to bedearly that night when I was not
feeling so good.
do some reading in bed and justlike, I was totally fine the
next day
Kristy Yee (48:53):
I think what's difficult is trying to tease
out, is it me?
Or is it the relationship?
And I like things like, oh, notspending a lot of quality time
together, not going out on dateslike that.
That is going to take a toll onthe relationship because it
takes effort to, you know, keepthe spark alive, keep it
(49:16):
interesting.
Keep it fun, et cetera.
And I think that is aresponsibility that comes from
both.
The difference here is that yourlow mood wasn't actually,
because of those things, youjust attributed it to it.
Like that was your firstinstinctive thought is to, oh,
it's not me, it's them, youknow?
And it could be that part ofyour brain that's, you know,
(49:38):
subconsciously trying tosabotage you, right.
The whole vicious cycle that wewere talking about.
That could be part of it.
I do want to point out, youknow, for our listeners pay
attention, like, see, is it, isit you?
Or is it the relationship?
You know?
Cause I don't want people toalso be taken advantage by their
partners.
I don't want to give permissionfor the other person to Gaslight
(50:00):
you.
Don't let people be like, oh,that's, that's just your bipolar
talking
Angie Yu (50:05):
Right, right,
Kristy Yee (50:05):
or that's just your depression talking.
That's all you.
Yeah.
So I think there's a, there's adifference in, you know, trying
to figure out is it, is itactually me and my subconscious
thoughts and the things that Iam working on?
Or are they gaslighting you Ithink in your situation, you
know, the example that you gavewas different because you were
(50:28):
like, okay, I'm going tojournal.
I'm going to do the things in mytoolbox.
And then you figure it out.
You're like, Hey, you know whatI do feel better now.
Like that was actually prettyselfish of me to just completely
throw the blame on you and pointthe finger at you when really I
just needed to like, oh yeah, Ihave bipolar.
I should, I should probably usesome of the things that I have
(50:49):
learned.
And.
Try to, mediate that that's thedifference, right?
It's like, you're like, okay,you stop you pause, you
questioned you did somethingabout it.
And then you're like, okay.
And then you apologized.
Whereas if the situation is theyare gaslighting you and then you
stop and pause and question andyou're like, Hmm, no, that
(51:12):
doesn't feel right.
Or if you use your toolbox andit doesn't work.
And you're like, no, I stillfeel like something is off.
Or I feel like, you know, gowith a gut, right?
Red flags, these things thenrevisit that conversation with
your partner and then beconfident that it's no, it's,
(51:33):
it's not me.
It's something going on with ourrelationship and we should have
a conversation.
Angie Yu (51:36):
that's right.
And an example of that would be,when I was suspicious of my ex,
I was like, oh, you have thesenew friends that you've never
introduced me to.
and also you told me that youdrove alone to this like group
gathering, but then I found somestuff in the backseat and he was
like, I can't believe you aquestion questioned me like
that.
(51:58):
And there was another time whereI was like, Hm, something
doesn't feel right.
Like, I'm not feeling so goodabout this.
And he just said, I think that'sher anxiety acting up.
So that would be an example ofgaslighting because you're
trying to have a conversationabout something and somebody
immediately dismisses yourconcerns and throws the whole
(52:20):
like, oh, you all you have, it'slike your anxiety or depression
or your bipolar.
Kristy Yee (52:24):
they're being very defensive and then using your
illness as a weapon againstyourself.
Again.
Angie Yu (52:30):
to, to make you question yourself rather than to
actually have a conversation.
Whereas when this was coming up,when I was blaming my boyfriend
for like these things, it wasn'teven, like I went up to him was
like, you, you blah, blah, blah,blah, blah.
You're I wasn't yelling at him.
I just said, look, I feel like,kind of sad lately.
this is how I feel.
(52:51):
And he would just be like, Hm,like, I'm sorry you feel that
way.
And that made me go, wow.
You know, rather than like, it'snot like he blamed me for
anything.
He, he didn't even mention mymental illness.
I think that's, that's a big,that's how I was thinking.
I think that's what made me go.
(53:12):
Hm.
That was not the kind ofreaction I was expecting.
I was expecting to be yelled ator to be gaslighted, but,
Kristy Yee (53:18):
Or to be carrying your emotional
Angie Yu (53:21):
right.
So it was that's right.
And it wasn't what I hadnormally experienced.
Right.
It may my neuron pathway switchto a different response.
So instead of responding how Iused to respond in these
situations, I responded in a newway that worked out for me.
(53:47):
So that's, I guess that's anexample of like day to day as
well.
When, when you do have likethings like triggers and PTSD
and.
Things that make you feel reallyinsecure.
Kristy Yee (53:58):
and that's just it, right?
Like you have come a really longway from your last relationship
to where you are at now.
We are continuing to practiceand grow and, you know, these
are just some examples andstories of our lives.
It doesn't mean.
This is the way you should dothings.
(54:19):
Or this is like the most perfectthing.
We're, we're trying to figurethis out ourselves.
And we, Angie and I have ourinsecurities as well.
I think the difference is we arenow trying to recognize that
these are our insecurities.
We recognize that, oh, we, weexpect other people to carry our
(54:44):
emotional shit and be coddled.
And maybe that's not the mosthealthiest thing, like starting
to have these realizations isgoing to help us move forward
and managing our ownrelationships and preserving our
relationships.
We don't have the answers toeverything, but we just want to
say that we continue to practice
Angie Yu (55:03):
and I think like what keeps us practicing and like
what keeps us in check is thatwe don't want to hurt our loved
ones anymore.
Like, we don't want to hurtthem.
I don't want to be an asshole.
I don't want to hurt him.
I don't want to hurt my mom.
I don't want to hurt my friends.
That's the last thing I want todo.
And even though I had nointentions of partying, my
(55:24):
friends, my actions didn't hurt.
So it doesn't matter what myintentions were.
I now need to find ways where myactions won't hurt my loved
ones.
And that's one thing that, youknow, if you're listening to
this and you are a caretaker andnot caretaker, as in like you do
the emotional labor, but as in,you're in a relationship with
someone who does have theseinsecurities and not even
(55:47):
necessarily a mental illness,but these insecurities or these
past traumas from pastrelationships, you know, make
sure you're drawing the rightboundaries, make sure you are
confident in your own needs andmake sure you feel appreciated
for everything that you do,because it is not easy.
(56:07):
And it goes both ways.
Like I'm sure there's a reasonwhy our boyfriends love us.
I'm sure we do things.
I'm sure we do things to makethem feel loved too.
And I'm sure they have their owninsecurities.
Like maybe they won't.
For us
Kristy Yee (56:24):
I, that is a really great point.
We all have insecurities.
A lot of times we just thinkabout our own and we forget that
other people have them too.
We forget that they also haveemotional needs.
We forget that they also need tohave space.
We forget that they also need toprocess and think about things
(56:48):
and work on their own mentalhealth as well.
Angie Yu (56:52):
yeah.
Kristy Yee (56:53):
are not everybody has mental health and mental
wellbeing to pay attention to.
And sometimes we forget that andI think that's a great reminder
and a great way to wrap uptoday's episode.
Angie Yu (57:07):
yes.
Kristy Yee (57:09):
So today we shared some stories.
Is there something you wanted toadd?
Angie Yu (57:14):
No, I just, right now, I just want to go outside and
give my boyfriend a hug and belike, Hey, I appreciate you.
Kristy Yee (57:20):
oh.
Angie Yu (57:21):
since like, like he's a huge vitamins guy.
So at nighttime, he always like,takes all his vitamins and he
always takes my pills out for
Kristy Yee (57:28):
Oh see.
That's that's that's real nice.
Angie Yu (57:32):
Yeah.
Right.
Isn't it.
That's so that's why I'm like,sometimes when I'm an asshole,
I'm like, how can I be anasshole to him?
Right.
Anyway.
Kristy Yee (57:40):
And then every day we just work on, work on
ourselves and work on ourrelationship and that's all that
we can.
Angie Yu (57:47):
that's right.
So if you came here to find aquick solution to how to be
lovable in a relationship,sorry, but there's no shortcut.
Kristy Yee (57:58):
wow.
It took them an hour to listento find that out.
Angie Yu (58:02):
Yup.
Psych I'm just kidding.
you know, yeah.
Sorry.
There is no shortcut.
You just have to put in thework.
Kristy Yee (58:11):
great.
Angie Yu (58:11):
listening.
Kristy Yee (58:12):
See you next episode.
Bye.
(58:48):
Oh, Mike.
So I just went on a WhatsApp,right.
And John just sent me a messagesaying there's a major gas leak
in my room.
Angie Yu (58:59):
he's not talking about flatulence, right?
Kristy Yee (59:03):
Oh, maybe.
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