July 3, 2022 • 51 mins
This is an intimate story about my recent breakup with my partner of 6 years. I share my fear of judgment from friends, staying vs. leaving the relationship, the lessons learned, and how I plan to move forward.
“I can’t just keep quitting every time something goes wrong in a relationship” - Kristy
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Email: shitwedonttellmom@gmail.com
Send us an audio message by clicking here!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Angie (00:00):
So today we're gonna be talking well, I'm gonna be
listening and Kristy is gonna betalking about her breakup.
she has been in a relationshipfor a really long time.
and, uh, she recently broke upwith her boyfriend and she is
here to tell us that story.
Kristy (00:18):
Okay, here we go.
This is gonna be superuncomfortable.
Let's do it.
(01:14):
This is another episode of ourshit, which means we are
updating.
Our poop troops with what'sgoing on in our lives, in terms
of our mental health, mentalwellbeing and where we are at.
And sometimes we have somesolutions and sometimes we don't
Angie (01:29):
right.
So with that said welcome backto another episode of shit.
We don't tell mom, this isAngie.
Kristy (01:34):
and this is Kristy
Angie (01:35):
Okay.
So FYI to our poop troops, youare hearing this story for the
first time.
And so am I, I'm also hearingthis for the first time.
So all my reactions are gonna begenuine.
that they were not genuinebefore, but you know what I
mean?
So we are going to talk aboutKristy's breakup.
(01:56):
Ooh.
Kristy (01:56):
Yes.
Angie (01:56):
yeah.
I don't know what happened.
Kristy (01:59):
Angie has been very, excited for this conversation
because I have been holding itout on her for like months,
plural and that's because wewanted to share the story, like
in a recording
Angie (02:16):
yeah, because this is part of our shit.
Yeah.
And this is something that Iguess Kristy is okay with
sharing.
So thank you in advance forsharing, but also excitement is
a, not an adequate word for whatI'm feeling.
I don't know what English word,what I'm anticipatory I'm not
(02:37):
anxious.
anxious comes off with likevery, Yeah.
I try not to put a negative spinon, you know, anxiousness
because we both have anxiety.
but like, I I'm, yeah.
I don't know what the word isfor it, but
Kristy (02:50):
Oh, okay.
Angie (02:50):
I am both excited to hear and also not excited to hear,
because I know that this was along term relationship and you
had known and loved this personfor a really long time.
So of course, you know, removingthat person from your daily life
is a whole thing.
And it is a whole type of griefon its own.
(03:11):
So of course I'm not excitedabout your grief.
but I do wanna know whathappened and I do wanna know how
you're feeling about it and howyou felt about it and how you
will feel about it.
And also that how many peoplehave you told already other than
Kristy (03:29):
so you can know like how, how, where you rank
Angie (03:31):
yeah.
Where do I rank in your, in yourlist?
no, no, no.
I just want to know where youare in terms of your processing
fuck sakes.
My dog.
Kristy (03:42):
well, okay.
First of all, one of the reasonswhy I'm nervous and I keep
delaying that's another thing,like we were supposed to record
this episode, like weeks ago,but almost every time on the day
of the recording, I'm like, no,I don't wanna do it.
And I just kept pushing it andpushing it.
And one of the main reasons isbecause I feel like I have built
(04:06):
up so much tension and I don'twant to disappoint you with the
story.
And I feel like today's episodeis gonna have, this is not a
good way to start our episode toour listeners.
You're gonna be disappointed.
Angie (04:18):
So just for background, it's not like I haven't spoken
to Kristy for all these monthsand since her breakup, we have
been speaking, but this subjecthas been filtered out, has been
screened out.
Somehow we both don't ask it.
Don't talk about it.
Just kind of put it on holds.
So that's why I was curiousabout how many people Kristy
have already talked about thiswith, why would I be
(04:39):
disappointed?
Kristy (04:40):
You'll see.
Okay,
Angie (04:41):
okay.
Kristy (04:41):
To answer your question, how many people I want to say
like three, Oh four.
My mom now knows.
Angie (04:50):
I know that you had contemplated about it for a
while because there were timeswhere you mentioned it.
Even that time before we startedour podcast, when we had a
gathering and you came over andgot really drunk on my rooftop
patio, you were even talkingabout it then.
And that was like over two yearsago.
Kristy (05:10):
so I've been, I've been dating.
I have been, oh my God.
What kind of tenses do I use?
Jesus.
Angie (05:15):
been you had been dating you dated.
You had been dating him.
You
Kristy (05:20):
We had dated that.
Jesus.
This is, this is difficult Oh,
Angie (05:27):
You're focusing on the wrong part.
Kristy (05:29):
okay.
Angie (05:30):
this conversation
Kristy (05:33):
It helps the distraction.
Okay.
So, um, we had dated for, sixyears.
And for the last three years Ihave been contemplating breaking
up.
So
Angie (05:47):
Is quite heavy.
I
Kristy (05:48):
a good half of our relationship, I've been thinking
about breaking up with thisperson.
And that, that says a lot grantgranted the last two years, like
since COVID is kind of a blur,so it's all kind of just like
meshed together as one year,
Angie (06:03):
Okay.
That makes sense.
That seem, that seems a bit lessdramatic.
not that it's not okay, but it'sjust interesting.
It gives me a lot of questions.
So of those times where youthought about breaking up with
him, what made you not gothrough with it?
Kristy (06:18):
I don't know if the answers I'm about to give are
like real answers.
Angie (06:22):
what do you mean real answers?
Kristy (06:23):
I don't know if I am truly speaking from, you know,
Kristy in 2018 or if I'mspeaking it in like hindsight,
Kristy 20, 22.
Angie (06:34):
okay, well that's okay.
I know that our memories don'talways serve us
Kristy (06:39):
They're pretty shit.
Angie (06:41):
Yeah.
but what was the, okay, what wasthe gist of why you were
contemplating all those platingall those years
Kristy (06:50):
okay.
So let me, let me, like, let mejust like, talk about
relationships in general, fromKristy's experience.
Okay.
First of all, I have always beena serial monogamous.
I've only dated people for longterm, and that is by choice.
That's my preference.
and I find that in everyrelationship that I have been
(07:11):
in.
Once the honeymoon once the,once the honeymoon stage have
dissipated and that can differbetween different relationships.
For me, it's somewhere betweenlike the two to three year mark
That's when the honeymoon phasestarts to phase, I start
(07:32):
questioning the entirerelationship and I just feel
like, every time I hit that markof like post honeymoon, I end up
breaking up with that personokay.
I make it sound like it's verylike, you know, copy and paste,
but every relationship has itsown story, but the trajectory,
(07:52):
like the pattern is every time Idate someone, we go like, you
know, two, three years inhoneymoon stage is over.
I'm like, and then I end upbreaking up with the person.
Because I fucking love thehoney.
I mean, who doesn't, who doesn'tlove the honeymoon stage.
Right.
But it's like, it's like drugsfor me.
I wanna keep hitting that highevery time.
(08:13):
And once the high is over, I'mlike next, let me like re
reexperience that honeymoonstage again with somebody else.
Okay.
So I just keep spinning in thesecycles over and over and over
again until I started to date.
I don't even know if I shouldsay his name have, have we said
his name on the show before.
Angie (08:31):
No, you can just say your ex-boyfriend.
Kristy (08:34):
Let's call him the lobster.
We're gonna call him thelobster.
Sorry,
Angie (08:39):
Why lobster?
Kristy (08:40):
because it's his favorite food.
Angie (08:43):
Oh, okay.
Call him the lobster.
Kristy (08:46):
So,
Angie (08:46):
Okay.
so so Mr.
Lobster,
Kristy (08:49):
I actually really like it.
It's very endearing.
So it wasn't until I got to dateMr.
Lobster, it wasn't like, oh myGod, I, I started dating him and
then.
That whole hamster wheel cyclestop.
No, no, no.
The same thing happened.
Okay.
We went honeymoon stage.
It was most excellent.
we get to the three years startsfading, all natural.
(09:12):
Okay.
I recognize this cycle and I'mlike, Hmm, mm let's.
Let's not do that again.
Let's be a little bit moremature about it this time.
Okay.
Like I have taken so manylessons learned from all of my
other previous relationships andI have brought them into this
relationship and it is like, itis probably the, the most mature
(09:34):
and best relationship that I'vehad because of very good
communication, et cetera, etcetera.
So let's be better Kristy.
Let's not.
Do the whole hamster cyclething.
Let's stick it out.
Let's talk about it.
Let's talk about some of thesesmall issues so that it doesn't
build up to resentment.
Let's like talk about myfeelings.
If I feel like something isn'tgreat or I feel angry at
(09:59):
something or, you know, whateverit is about the relationship
that was previously rose coloredby the honeymoon stage is now a
lot clearer.
So let's just, let's just talkabout them as they come up
instead of like, being immatureabout it.
So that's how I got through thefourth year into our
relationship was, putting a lotof effort talking about it and I
(10:22):
thought we were doing greatbecause it was a reciprocal
thing between the two of us.
and.
and then at some point in ourrelationship, around like the
fourth and beginning of fifthyear, we both had some huge
changes in our lives and it was,it basically threw both of us, a
curve ball, but curving indifferent direct.
Angie (10:45):
I was there for that and to someone, let, let me try to
speak about it.
Like anonymously, basically.
What happened was you were youboth made career decisions and
for him, the career decision,impacted his lifestyle a lot.
And for you, your careerdecision to pursue your masters,
(11:07):
with your like, jobs here inVancouver, it was all going
really well for you.
You were doing really well, andfor him, he pursued something
that's completely different.
So he had to burn up all hissavings.
He had to go back to school andthen the industry that he was
going into became all wishywashy.
And there was a lot ofuncertainty.
(11:27):
So to me, from when you told meabout the whole thing, it just
seemed like your lives weregoing in different directions.
Is that right?
Kristy (11:35):
Yes, but I don't wanna just like blame it on that as
the cause of why we broke up,because we started going down
different paths and this is allcoming from me.
Okay.
This is just my version of thestory.
And it is gonna be a very biasedversion and it is gonna be a
very like hindsight version.
I felt like we started walkingdown different paths.
(11:57):
We started behaving likedifferent people and people
change.
We grow as human beings.
I was just so afraid.
We were growing apart becausethis person, oh my God, I didn't
know I was gonna get soemotional so quickly.
I, I was so confident that thiswas gonna be my forever person.
(12:21):
I felt like all those pastrelationships have taught me to
be a better partner.
And it had taught me to be abetter partner for him.
And I felt like all of his pastrelationship had taught him how
to be a better partner for me.
Like I was so sure that thisperson was different.
(12:42):
And even as I'm saying it now, Ifeel like, oh my God, that
sounds so cliche.
But.
I don't know how else to expressit, because that is what I felt.
And I clung onto that for a, along time.
That's how I got through likethe second half of those three
years is because I kept clingingonto the fact that like, no, but
this is the person for me, buttowards the end of the
(13:05):
relationship.
I started to notice that he'snot the same person as he was
when we first started dating andneither am I, and that is
totally normal.
But what scared me the most isthat we weren't growing
together.
We weren't growing in parallel.
We were growing apart and Ididn't know what to do.
(13:26):
And I we've talked about it somany times.
we have had so manyconversations that at this point
I think it like, it like scaredhim.
It like triggered him everytime.
I wanna say like, you know, likewe should talk about X, Y, Z,
whereas before he was like,okay, let's talk about it.
(13:46):
Like, he was very open about it.
And towards the end, it was morelike he was retreating from
having these conversationsbecause we just had so many of
them and none of them wereproductive.
Most of them were not, I can'tsay none cuz I have no idea.
I didn't keep stats scores, butif I were to make an educated,
yes, I would say like nine, 8%of the time we had our
conversations, they didn't comeup with solid solutions.
(14:10):
We didn't have a game plan or anaction plan that we could follow
through.
And if we did, like, we werejust like forcing it.
It didn't come naturally.
Or it just like it.
It, it just felt so wrong.
And then, and then the sameissues would come up again.
Angie (14:25):
right, because from those talks, nothing came of them.
So of course they would come upagain because talking about it,
doesn't always resolve it,talking about it helps
processing helps communication.
But if there are like underlyingissues, it doesn't resolve it.
So that makes sense.
And it seems to me now, correctme if I'm wrong.
It seems to me hearing thatsmall cross section of your
(14:49):
conversations with him, itsounds like you brought up these
concerns.
It affected him.
It affected you.
It affected the relationship andit put everybody on their toes,
but you loved each other toomuch to, to split up.
So each time you had those.
Conversations, it kind of sandeddown whatever bond you did have
(15:09):
together.
Like, I guess like what was thepercentage?
The proportion of serious, scaryconversation to like fun dates
and things where you can fall inlove over and over again.
Kristy (15:22):
It, it honestly like very, the RA.
I don't even know how todescribe it.
We were, we were basically nothaving fun.
We were not going on fun datesand falling in love with each
other.
We weren't putting our energyinto that.
We were just putting all of ourenergy into trying to solve all
of our problems.
So then the more that we try todo that, the more we just became
(15:43):
hyper focused of all the issuesthat we had in our problems.
There were times when we tried,but it, for me, at least, it
felt forced, it felt like it wastoo little too late.
Kristy Yee (15:53):
Okay, this is future editing Kristy here.
I want to emphasize that a lotof the hyper-focusing that came
from me.
I can't necessarily say that hewas hyper-focusing cause I, I
don't think he was, but I wasdefinitely hyper-focusing on all
of our problems.
And I do want to say that Ithink he put in a lot of effort.
(16:14):
To have dates and fall in loveand do fun things.
But because I was superhyper-focused and all the
negative things, I felt like allthat fun.
Fun stuff became forced.
And I didn't think he wasactually into it.
When really I was the one whowasn't super.
Super into it.
Because how can I be into havingfun when the work hasn't been
(16:37):
done yet?
We still have so much work.
That is so we cannot have funyet.
So that was the mindset that iwas in
Kristy (16:46):
And the elephant in the room just got so big that it was
just sucking up all of the airaround us.
And we didn't know what to doabout it.
And because I'm speaking aboutthis on our show and our show
prides itself to be like veryhonest and candid part of me
didn't want to break up becauseI didn't want to do this all
(17:08):
over again.
I didn't wanna start datingsomeone else.
I don't wanna go out and meetsomebody else fall in love
again, Get someone to know me atsuch a deep and personal level,
like that is so much work.
It seems like work now that Ihave to like, uh, I such a
complicated human as we all are,and to have another person like
(17:33):
know and understand noteverything because I'm changing
all the time, but like knowenough about me and still be
like, eh, yeah, I'm still coolwith this, with all of their
like quirks and flaws andeverything else.
Like it's a long ass story totell someone basically, and a
long ass story for me to absorbfrom the other end also.
And it just, it just seems likethe idea of going back out there
(17:56):
and dating is fuckingexhausting.
And I'm like, why do that?
When I have someone that I loveand I'm confident about, and I
feel like this is just one ofthose challenging times in a
relationship and we will getthrough it because I can't just
keep quitting every timesomething goes wrong in a
(18:19):
relationship, let's work thisout, stick through it.
It is like a horrible time foreverybody in the economy.
We're just going, we're justgoing through a rough time.
And we, this
Angie (18:31):
Right.
The pandemic and all that.
Kristy (18:33):
and, and like everything else, right?
Like turning 30, familypressures, et cetera, et cetera.
Like these are just going to belike challenges that we are
currently facing.
And it sucks now, but we'regonna look back at it and
that's, what's gonna make usstronger.
Isn't that we are what we aretold that strong couples go
through things together.
and that you might not walk atthe same pace all the time,
(18:55):
because that's humanly notpossible sometimes one person's
gonna be ahead and sometimes oneperson's gonna be behind, but
that's okay.
Right?
Like as long as you take on thatjourney together and you look
out for each other, is isn'tthat what matters in a decent,
long lasting relationship?
These are all the arguments thatI had in my own head for the
(19:15):
past three years, because I wantto believe that.
Angie (19:18):
But you wanting to believe something and you
actually believing something isdifferent.
Okay.
Now I have a lot of questionsabout these thoughts, but before
I asked them, I wanted to knowwhat.
Not what made you, but whatthoughts finally led to you
actually doing it after allthese years?
Kristy (19:37):
In the last few months before our breakup, we were
working on this new strategy, Iguess this is part of the action
plans.
We're very like action focusedpeople.
Okay.
We like sit down, identify aproblem and come up with an
action plan.
Okay.
And we like fucking love thatshit.
So we were working on somethingthat was part of our action
(19:57):
plans.
and it was actually going quitewell.
And what this action plan wasis, you know how I said, you
know, Mr.
Lobster started to feel veryuncomfortable, almost like
scared to have theseconversations with me.
And for me, I end up beingscared to approach him about it.
So I kind of like, let it buildup And the neither of those
things are healthy.
(20:17):
We recognize that.
So what we said was okay, Once aweek, we will set aside time and
we were gonna talk about all theshits.
Okay.
Whatever it is.
Kristy Yee (20:25):
Future editing Kristy here again.
So in these weekly meetings, wedidn't just talk about the shit.
We spent this time talking aboutour relationship as a whole,
what our plans are for thefuture.
Things to help us fall in loveagain.
Reminiscing our memories.
We had an app that helps guideus with conversational prompts
and the app would also ask usquestions.
(20:47):
Where each of the person willanswer the questions
individually.
And once the couple have bothanswered the questions.
Then the app will reveal whatthe other person had said.
And sometimes we would spend ourmeetings just kind of going
through some of our answers.
Answers and it really helped usget to know each other a bit
more.
And I had always thought we hadvery good communication because
(21:08):
we hate making assumptions, butthe app really helped us.
Sometimes they app or ourconversations in general will
navigate through some trickier.
Conversations.
And sometimes it.
It would just be like a reallynice conversation.
So basically it wasn't.
All shits, but we did haveweekly meetings where we got
(21:29):
together.
And discussed our relationship.
And it helped reduce some of Mr.
Lobster's anxiety Because beforeI would just keep wanting to
talk about our relationship allthe time, and it felt super
uncomfortable for him.
But knowing that we had time setaside.
And knowing what kind ofquestions the app was giving us
that week.
We have a better idea of whatthe conversation will be like.
(21:52):
We just felt better emotionallyprepared to have that chat.
That way we could spend the restof our times and the other days
and hours of the week, nothaving to worry about like, oh
my gosh, Is Kristy going to wantto talk about our relationship
again?
And I don't feel like, oh mygosh, she never wants to talk
about our relationship.
Kristy (22:11):
And that was actually going really well.
And it was actually at one ofthose weekly meetings that I
dropped the bomb and I said,well, I think we should just
break up and like, well, whatthe fuck?
You know, what were you talkingabout before that?
How did it lead up to medropping the bomb?
I'm trying to remember who I wasat that moment, I was sitting in
(22:34):
my bathroom floor with my backbehind my bathtub and I'm trying
to like, remember that personright now.
Okay.
You know what?
I'm like literally reading myjournal right now.
Angie (22:55):
read it,
Kristy (22:56):
and oh God.
Out loud.
Jesus.
Okay.
this is what I wrote, Mr.
Lobster.
And I broke up today.
I'm not completely destroyedyet.
And that scares me because itmeans I have not fully felt the
gravity of this.
And it might catch up to melater.
Neither of us expected this forour conversation today.
I wanted to tell Mr.
Lobster why I wanted to getmarried, but that conversation
(23:19):
turned into marriage itself.
And my thoughts on how.
Man.
My grammar is no good on how if,okay.
I'm just gonna read verbatim.
Okay.
And my thoughts on how
Angie (23:38):
isn't that?
Yeah.
Kristy (23:42):
thoughts if I want it.
And he doesn't, then there's nopoint.
He said that the ball is in mycourt.
He says that I need to commit toa decision.
So I did, although we have a lotof peripheral issues, it has
come down to my version of ourfuture is not the same as his
(24:04):
version of the future.
I want marriage.
He does not.
Neither of us want to change
Angie (24:11):
I think that's quite a well thought out and logical
response to your breakup.
And to me it sounds like.
a lot of those conversations youhad with him and the
conversations you had withyourself were very logical
based.
I am by no means a relationshipexpert, but when you were
(24:33):
telling me about the reasons whyyou wanted to stay like, oh,
another reason I wanna stay is Idon't wanna do this all over
again.
Another reason I wanna stay islike, he is my person.
Another reason I wanna stay islike, I don't why I don't wanna
quit again.
Kristy (24:47):
I mean, okay.
I he's Al he's just, he's alsoa, a, just like a great.
Person, And it would suck not tohave a great human being in my
life.
Angie (24:57):
Yeah, and those are super valid reasons not to leave.
I think a lot of people,including myself have the same
thoughts.
When I think about when, when mylike thought process goes down
that path.
I just think in my personalopinion, I think that you or I,
or anybody would need a littlebit more than those reasons to
(25:21):
stay.
They're great reasons to stay.
They're great reasons not toleave, but they cannot be the
only reason to stay is how Ifeel about it.
And when you started talkingabout those weekly relationship
meetings, I hope this doesn'tcome off like a criticism, like
I'm not criticizing whathappened.
I'm trying to analyze it alongwith you.
So if you think I'm going overboard or if I'm stepping outta
(25:44):
bounds, like let me know.
But, I think what happens whensomebody tells the personal
story is the listener starts torelate to it on their own
personal level.
So when you started talkingabout your, weekly meetings, it
reminded me of like an actualjob, If something happened and
(26:05):
you're feeling like you mightwanna quit the job, Thing, of
course you look for reasons tostay like, oh, I don't wanna go
through the job process again.
I don't wanna have to findanother job, getting to know my
coworkers, getting to know howthe job goes, how to, be
successful on my role.
I don't wanna go through allthat again.
Plus like, I really like thiscompany and I really like my
(26:26):
coworkers, so I don't wannaleave, but if there's something
where it just doesn't suit youand the job like you and the job
just don't go together, butthere's all these other things
that makes it great.
But you've been thinking aboutquitting for a long time.
Like it doesn't bode well forthe future of this job, of you
in this job.
And, and the thing is I havebeen through like my current
(26:47):
job, for example, I felt thatway for a long time.
And I came around to it and nowI don't want to leave and I want
to stay.
And I think that's the biggest,difference for me is before I
didn't wanna leave.
There were many reasons that Iwanna leave, but now I want to
stay.
And I think that's a bigdifference.
And how I got through thathurdle with my job is that I had
(27:08):
these, of course I had theseperformance reviews with my
bosses, right.
And they were analyzing myperformance.
Those always gave me anxiety.
It was when I was left alone todo my job and then seeing my own
work succeed.
Did I become more and more like,oh, maybe I can do this.
Maybe I am good at this.
Maybe I can stay here long term.
(27:29):
Maybe I will move up.
And if you told me that I had tohave a weekly check-in meeting
with my boss on my progress, Iwould've quit right away.
Cause I feel like sometimes youjust need to be given the space
to do your work.
And I.
That's what I thought when youwere telling me about your
weekly meetings, but the lack ofdoing fun things.
(27:50):
Cause I feel like a relationshipshould be fun.
There should be opportunities tofall in love with each other,
among the, you know, drudgery ofeveryday life.
And if that was something thatyou didn't share with Mr.
Lobster, and you finally got tothe part where you're like,
well, we don't see the samefuture.
We don't have this, we don'thave that.
(28:11):
Then it becomes the reasons toleave, start to outweigh the
reasons to not leave.
Kristy (28:17):
So I love that you used a work analogy because I think
that is so relatable and.
What you basically describedabout, you know, leaving you to
do your own work and then seeingyourself progress and then
feeling a bit more confidenteach time you succeed that is
basically like the recipe to getout of imposter syndrome.
(28:38):
So, so yay side bonus to thisepisode, we also talk about
imposter syndrome.
Angie (28:44):
Yeah, but I feel like you can kind of Transfer that
Kristy (28:47):
it, I think it's a great analogy, Fuck, I wrote down and
see, this is what happens when Idon't have my notepad.
I don't got my pen with me.
Angie (28:56):
Hold on.
Everybody.
Kristy's just having a majorfreak out about the lack of list
on her.
Kristy (29:01):
okay.
Angie (29:01):
Stay tuned.
Kristy (29:52):
Now here is the fun kicker.
Okay.
here's the thing that I am mostnervous about in this
conversation, because I thinkI'm afraid of from you.
fuck.
Angie (30:05):
Wait judgment for me judging what?
Kristy (30:07):
Okay.
Angie (30:08):
Oh, you know?
Okay.
I think I know what you'retalking about.
I think in the past I have beena little bit what's that word?
Forcing my values upon others.
When I heard that and Mr.
Lobster, weren't going on date.
I was like, nah, man, you gottahave dates.
Like do the dates, the dates.
You gotta fall in love with eachother.
(30:28):
You gotta like, keep that
Kristy (30:30):
I, I mean, I agree.
I agree.
Dates are great and we do needto fall in love and, you know, I
think those are very valid,friendly, advices.
and I still fully agree with youabout those.
What I am most afraid of interms of judgment after that
night that I had broken up withhim, I had a fucking shit show
(30:51):
of a week as I'm sure he did aswell, because every single day I
changed my mind.
So the next day I messaged himabout it.
And I gave a whole spiel aboutwhy my mind changing is valid.
I backed it up with a lot ofgood points.
Okay.
And let me paint this picture.
(31:11):
I am at the end of my semester,I am in like final paper writing
mode Okay so I am veryacademically prepared to write
this text message essay.
the next day I revert all of mypast arguments from 24 hours
ago.
And I will argue why we need tobreak up that went on literally
(31:35):
for seven days until it got tothe point where my last message
was.
I think we should stay togetherbecause of.
B C D E F And his response was,this is really fucking
overwhelming.
It's been an emotional shitshow.
I need to sit with all of thesefeelings and process, and that's
(31:55):
when I realized I have been theone to dictate everything that
has been going on in ourrelationship.
I am the one who starts talkingabout all of the problems.
I am the one who said we shouldhave weekly meetings.
I am the one who broke up.
I am the one who got backtogether.
And then I am the one who brokeup again.
(32:15):
And I am the one who got us backtogether.
Again, the entire duration ofour crazy roller coaster for.
Maybe our whole relationship.
I was not really listening towhat he has to say.
Not really.
I will invite him into theconversation, but I don't even
know if that's something that hewas prepared to do.
(32:37):
I just like give him the mic.
That's my definition of sharingthe floor.
But maybe he didn't even wannabe in the room.
Maybe he wasn't even ready for aconversation yet.
Right.
Like I did not ever considerthose factors.
And of course after like postbreakup situations, I do the
best and smartest thing peoplewould do.
I scroll back on our WhatsAppchat messages.
(33:00):
And I'm going like way thefucking back.
Okay.
I'm like in fucking 20 17, 2018.
And now what I'm seeing is firstof all, The way I had described
our relationship as beingproblematic That shit did not
happen until like late 20, 19.
And he was really fucking goodand patient and caring and
(33:22):
loving and generous and kind tome.
I also saw, I, I did notreciprocate very well and it
might sound like I'm being hardon myself and maybe putting him
on a bit of a pedestal and likeputting a halo effect on him.
But the thing is, I am seeingthe evidence in the text
messages.
It's not just based off ofmemory anymore.
Like, I blame him for notattending any of my family
(33:45):
functions or my familyvacations.
But every time he asked me tocome to his family functions, I
always said no.
Okay.
That's just like one example Iwas not very generous.
I was not very respectful.
I was not very caring or giving.
I'm not just trashing on myselfbecause I'm just seeing more of
(34:05):
the realities.
And I think if I hadn't read anyof those text messages, like we
mentioned earlier, our memoriesare shit.
I would've formed this wholeother narrative About who Mr.
Lobster was and how ourrelationship came to be when
really I wasn't taking muchaccountability or responsibility
(34:26):
at all.
And I recognized that we are atdifferent places right now.
I recognize that there's a lotboth of us need to work on, not
just for a relationship's sake,but like for ourselves, we need
time and space to work onourselves.
Because like I said, last fewyears, we got thrown some curve
(34:49):
balls.
We ended up in places that wedidn't think we were going to
be, and it really messed us upas just like our own human.
So of course it's gonna rippleinto our relationship and how
are we supposed to work on ourrelationship when we couldn't
even work on ourselves yet?
How are we supposed to repairsomething in our relationship
when there is something thatneeds to be fixed within our own
(35:12):
person.
And so my last proposal to Mr.
Lobster was, I definitely thinkwe need to take time apart.
We need to work on ourselves.
He has admitted that to me somany times, and I just don't
think I have given him thespace.
He has told me a lot of things.
That's been hurting him in hislife and I wasn't there to
(35:33):
support him.
And I recognize that.
And maybe I can't be there rightnow.
That's something he needs towork on.
He needs to deal with some shiton his own, but it also means
that I need to work on some shiton my own.
And I want to work on how to bea better partner, how to be a
kinder person, how to be moregenerous, not just for Mr.
Lobster, but just for any of myrelationship, for the sake of my
own self growth.
(35:53):
I need time and space to work onme before I can even think about
touching a relationship.
And so my last proposal is Idon't think we should break up,
but I do think we need a hell ofa time apart.
And I know that this means Irisk us not actually being
together because time candefinitely drift people apart.
I recognize that if I say we'regonna go on a break, especially
(36:17):
if it's gonna be like someinfinite break, there's a risk
that I'm gonna meet anotherperson.
He might meet another person.
And then it's just like peace.
Right.
And.
I'm okay.
I'm willing to accept that risk.
And this time apart, I amworking on myself to be a better
partner to whomever it will bein the future.
So what I was most afraid of intelling you, Angie, was that we
(36:39):
have not actually broken up thatwe are on a break and I am so
afraid of judgment, What asoliloquy look at you.
Angie (36:52):
I hope you can see that I'm actually smiling right now
I'm happy.
The last thing I would do isjudge you because I've been
through very similar situations.
And I think it's because wedon't really talk about those
situations that we are scared ofother people judging us.
When in actuality they've donethe same thing.
(37:15):
So first of all, I'm very happythat you guys are not actually
broken up.
because as you were talkingabout it, I could tell, like you
have a lot of love for him andhe does for you the one time I
met him.
and yes he is.
Yes.
Do you?
Okay, for context,.
(37:35):
it was, uh, like a couple daysbefore Kristy's birthday and Mr.
Lobster texting me somehow.
Sorry.
I met him that one time when youcame over from my house warming
back in 2018 and he came along,I barely talked to him cuz there
were so many people just, youknow, just insert of flex.
Before, when I had more than 10friends, and then pandemic
happened and now I'm like, whoare my friends?
(37:57):
but, yeah.
So I guess that was the secondtime, so he messaged me.
He's like, Hey, I wanna do thisrecording this video for
Kristy's 30th birthday.
You know, that year there was alot of videos.
I remember a lot of videosbecause all of us were turning
30 and it was pandemic.
So there was a lot of videos andI was like, yeah.
Okay.
and I guess he was on a timecrunch cuz he had all these
people's houses to hit up and hehad already hit up a few houses
(38:19):
and then he was gonna come meetme, here.
But then I told him I had to godrive my car around because my
battery died and I drove to, asupermarket and I was in the
parking lot.
I told him I was in the parkinglot.
So he drove all the way to thesupermarket.
He comes over, he's like, hi,hi.
He like pulls out these balloonsout of his car, he pulls out all
these little props and he'slike, okay, hold this.
(38:42):
And then stand here.
And then I'll film.
And then he film and I was like,happy birthday Kristy blah,
blah.
I did my spiel.
We finished up.
And then he gets in his car andhe doesn't leave yet.
I think he's like doing his,some texting.
I think he's figuring out hislike route, whatever, where to
go next to hit up all ofKristy's friends.
And then when I try starting mycar again, my battery died
(39:03):
again.
And I was like for fuck sakes,and then he noticed.
that I was like, standingoutside my car, like not moving.
He's like, Hey, is everythingokay?
And I was like, my car batterydied.
And then he was like, oh no.
And then he stayed around.
And then I called BCAA.
And then when I finally hadfinished, he like came out of
the car.
He's like, oh, I'll drive youhome.
(39:24):
And I thought that was so sweet.
And I was like, wow, what a goodperson?
And then we just chatted in thecar, you know, and I was like,
yeah.
Okay.
And then I never really likeinteracted with him again, but I
was like, yeah, I like him.
of course, like, so you'reright.
He is a really good person.
So of course, like I'm happythat you're not okay.
Maybe not.
(39:45):
I'm not one to feel happy or sadabout your relationship.
What I'm really happy about isyou recognizing all of these
things that you had described,like when you were talking just
now there was like no pauses andyou're speaking, it came
directly from the heart to like,it was just boom, boom, boom,
boom, boom.
And to me, I was like, wow,that's growth.
Kristy (40:10):
I just exemplified like self actualization.
Angie (40:14):
The fact that you recognize like, Hey, I'm not
perfect.
I did all these things.
I didn't look at hisperspective.
I wanna work on myself and hewants to work on himself and
then together, maybe we'll findour way back to each other, but
we're not calling it quits ahundred percent because we're
not ready to just let it go.
And I think it takes a differentkind of bravery to approach that
too, because I don't know if Icould do that because to me
(40:37):
that's just so anxiety inducing,because I'm like, what if they
meet someone else?
But again, that's like another,that's another symptom of like,
insecurity.
So it feels like to me, you arefeeling pretty secure about the
situation and the amount thatyou want to improve yourself,
exceeds the amount of anxietyover it.
So that to me shows a lot ofgrowth zero judgment.
(40:59):
Well, I guess positive judgmentis still judgment.
Kristy (41:03):
See, what I would love is just to like end the episode
there, you know, that'd begreat, but here's the thing.
all of what I had just said isjust my proposal.
I have not heard back from himyet about his thoughts.
And he had asked for time tothink about it.
And because I am, I am such anaction oriented person.
(41:24):
And I had just mentioned, I wasthe one who's making all the
decisions it's been really toughfor the last few months.
Just not saying anything andgiving him that space to just to
process, because for me a fewmonths could be like eternity,
but for him it's like maybebarely enough time.
(41:45):
And I think that's the, that'sthe hardest part so far, because
I, I am still sitting here likea sitting duck,
Angie (41:52):
That would also be extremely anxiety inducing.
No.
Excellent.
I
Kristy (41:55):
so
Angie (41:56):
the,
Kristy (41:57):
I mentioned judgment, yes, I was afraid of judgment
from you, but not just you likeAngie, but I think in my mind
you represent the collective I..
don't, don't ask me why let'snot go into that.
so in my mind, I was afraid totell my story because I was
(42:18):
afraid of judgment fromeverybody else.
And maybe I am projecting my ownself judgment onto other people,
because there are still flaws inthis proposal that I have
written up.
proposed.
What, what, what is a good termfor this, this
Angie (42:38):
the proposal that have forth,
Kristy (42:41):
thank you.
See, clearly we are recordingthis in summer mode because I
ain't in school no more.
Okay.
essay writing.
Kristy is gone now, the proposalthat I have put forth, there are
obvious flaws because what aboutall that stuff that I talked
about, about us growing apartabout me wanting marriage and
him not wanting marriage?
Like these are, these are bigitems.
(43:03):
These are fundamental things ina relationship.
Like what about those?
And I recognize that, okay.
I just wanna put it out there.
I recognize that.
And maybe part of me is somesort of, uh, you know, has this
romanticism in me, but I, I, Iwant to try so hard.
And I think that this is alsothe next mature thing for us to
(43:24):
do as both humans and aspartners is.
to give ourselves that space togrow, knowing that there's a
risk, we might not come backtogether, but still leaving that
as an option that we could.
Angie (43:36):
Yeah.
And you know, those are thethings you see, what I see is
like bravery and honesty, beinghonest to yourself, like facing
those realities, I think isreally hard.
And yeah, like I know it soundsreally cliche and I'm your
friend, so I have to supportyou.
But I do think it's very bravewhat you're doing.
I must, but I do think it'sreally brave what you're doing.
(43:57):
Like, I don't think a lot ofpeople can do that.
Like, I don't think a lot ofpeople can feel grounded enough
to be like, okay, I'm gonna givethem space at that.
Like, I'm actually gonna givethem space.
Like, that's a hard thing to do,especially if you.
Have a similar background toKristy and I, where we're like,
we're the only children.
We had to take a lot of autonomyfor ourselves as kids.
(44:18):
So we're used to makingdecisions for ourselves from a
young age.
So we like being in control,being in control means less
anxiety, because it means lesssituations where we could die
basically.
So I do think what you're doingis very, very impressive because
of those reasons.
Kristy (44:41):
well, we have never done that on the show before.
Angie (44:43):
That's the first time you've heard us make those
noises
Kristy (44:48):
It won't
Angie (44:48):
the
Kristy (44:48):
last Oh my,
Angie (44:51):
and like, you know, not to like, you know, Give away too
much, but I know that one of theepisodes we wanna record this
season is about how journalingsaved my relationship.
And you were there when I toldyou I had broken up with my
boyfriend and then we got backtogether literally a week later,
guess what I was doing there.
And that week flipped week flipflopping.
(45:17):
I literally called him everyday.
I will text him and be like, canwe talk?
And he'll be like, okay, gimme asecond.
And then he, and then he willeither call me back and be like,
okay, I can talk now.
And then we talked on the phoneevery day, like similar to what
you did, but it was on thephone.
And I said, remember likesitting on the floor in my
bedroom with my back against mybed.
Because I felt so much anxiety.
(45:38):
And then after I hang out withthe phone, I'm like, as you're
being crazy right now, like whatthe hell, like process your
emotions properly?
Like, you're the one whoinitiated the breakup, like
blah, blah, blah, blah.
So I went back and forth andback and forth, and then we got
back together, literally like aweek after I have.
Kristy (46:01):
the takeaway is between ed Angie and I one week is the
average and it takes 24 hourflip flopping.
Angie (46:13):
Yeah.
And the flip flops weren't evenlike the same flip Flo.
Like every time my flip floop,there was a legitimate reason.
Kristy (46:20):
Yes.
Yes.
Like I'm telling you every timethe flip Flo happened, like I
had a case.
Okay.
For both sides.
I was,
Angie (46:29):
You were the the prosecution and the defense.
Yeah.
So, So of course that's why I'mlike judgment, dude.
I've been there.
like almost to the tea.
Kristy (46:43):
okay.
Ah, okay.
So then the other takeaway isall of that fear that we have
about what our friends think,what our family thinks, et
cetera, etcetera.
So much of it.
In our own heads or part of itis a projection of our own
self-judgment.
And even if people are judgingme and I'm sure not everyone
might agree with my decisions,like that's okay too, because
(47:07):
you do whatever you want withyour life.
And I do what I want with mine
Angie (47:11):
Exactly.
There you go.
And bye.
No, I'm just kidding.
Kristy (47:18):
Okay.
So in today's episode.
I shared finally with Angie andall of you listeners, about
what's going on with me and Mr.
Lobster, our rollercoaster of abreakup, and then non breakup,
how I have reached selfactualization, but not really
just really understanding alittle bit more about the areas
(47:39):
that I need to work on so that Ican become a better partner and
the decisions that I have madewith regards to my relationship.
And I'm gonna end our episodewith the last few text messages
between Mr.
Lobster.
And I dated 29th, and I thinkrest is good.
I need some rest too.
Mr.
Lobster replies.
(48:00):
Okay.
That sounds good.
Let's rest a little, try tosleep some more and eat good
smiley face
Angie (48:05):
Aw.
I think that's very sweet.
You're making a face and I don'treally understand.
Kristy (48:11):
visit.
I was trying to smile.
Angie (48:14):
It looked a bit forced.
I, I think what it is reading,it is probably a bit bittersweet
for you because of course it's anice message, but it also makes
you miss.
Oh, so dearly and I'm sure youwanna talk to him, but you can't
cuz you gotta give him space.
Well, thank
Kristy (48:28):
yes.
Angie (48:29):
Well, thank you Kristy, for sharing everything.
That's happened with you overthis past few months and also
just sharing the gist of yourjourney with yourself through
this relationship, the ups anddowns, and you coming to a
conclusion or not a conclusion,but coming to some sort of a
conclusion about Right.
Kristy (48:51):
an action plan.
Angie (48:52):
you like to, you are learning how to love yourself
first so that you can lovesomeone else better.
And I think that's a beautifulthing.
So again, thank you for sharingand, we'll talk to you next
episode.
We'll see you on the nextepisode.
Kristy (49:08):
Bye.
Angie (49:09):
Bye.
(49:42):
So how do you feel That'sactually pretty clever.
Kristy (49:46):
I feel glad that you are now on the same page and I'm
honestly gonna use this episodeso that my friends will also be
on the same page because I havenot.
Shared this story with manypeople and I don't want to have
to repeat it 5,000 times.
yeah, I think in allseriousness, I'm, I'm really
(50:06):
glad that I, I was able like,I'm like, basically you now know
what's up.
You know, and I feel good aboutthat.
It's not a relief because itwasn't like there was tension.
Well, maybe there was reliefbecause I felt like there might
be judgment but the response,wasn't what I had expected.
I didn't expect you to be like,you are brave and you are
(50:27):
self-actualizing and like, lookat all these amazing things
you're doing and blah, blah,blah.
so, you know, that feels nice tohear.
It was, it was really nice tohear you share the story of Mr.
Lobster and the car situation.
Like a little reminder of like,he's, he's great.
He has flaws.
And so do I, but it's, it's niceto focus on some of the good
things too.
Angie (50:46):
Well, let me know.
now that we're on the same page,now, if there's something you
need to talk out, I'm, I'm herefor you.
Kristy (50:51):
Cool.
I, yeah, I I just don't feellike there's, I don't feel like
I'm harboring anything on theinside that I feel like I need
to talk it out.
You know,
Angie (50:59):
That's good.
That's
Kristy (51:01):
pretty, like, I feel pretty, fucking liberated, not
because like we broke up or notbroke up, but just like, yes,
I'm still a sit or like morelike, yes, I'm still sitting
duck.
And that, that is a level ofanxiety.
But for most of it, I feelactually pretty liberated
because I have time and space towork on me.
(51:21):
And it was a scary thoughtbecause Like, I don't know what
it's like to be single.
I think there is some level ofdependency because I've been in
a relationship since I was 14.
Angie (51:31):
Yeah, because for us, that honeymoon phase, like
having someone take care of us,like, whoa,
Kristy (51:37):
I know.
Right.
Oh man.
It's like the elixir of life.
Angie (51:42):
Yeah,
Kristy (51:43):
I know that's a big extreme, but like that shit is
good.
Angie (51:46):
Mm-hmm
Kristy (51:49):
I maybe that's something to explore actually another
episode
Angie (51:51):
yeah.
Maybe.
Kristy (51:52):
because I've
Angie (51:53):
explode, but
Kristy (51:54):
exploded.
Angie (51:56):
We could explore it.
when we record the episode aboutthe journaling saving
relationship, because a lot ofthat came up for me as well.
Kristy (52:05):
Mm, okay.
Let's make a note of that.
Okay, cool.
Cool.
So today we're gonna be talking well, I'm gonna be
listening and Kristy is gonna betalking about her breakup.
she has been in a relationshipfor a really long time.
and, uh, she recently broke upwith her boyfriend and she is
here to tell us that story.
Kristy (00:18):
Okay, here we go.
This is gonna be superuncomfortable.
Let's do it.
(01:14):
This is another episode of ourshit, which means we are
updating.
Our poop troops with what'sgoing on in our lives, in terms
of our mental health, mentalwellbeing and where we are at.
And sometimes we have somesolutions and sometimes we don't
Angie (01:29):
right.
So with that said welcome backto another episode of shit.
We don't tell mom, this isAngie.
Kristy (01:34):
and this is Kristy
Angie (01:35):
Okay.
So FYI to our poop troops, youare hearing this story for the
first time.
And so am I, I'm also hearingthis for the first time.
So all my reactions are gonna begenuine.
that they were not genuinebefore, but you know what I
mean?
So we are going to talk aboutKristy's breakup.
(01:56):
Ooh.
Kristy (01:56):
Yes.
Angie (01:56):
yeah.
I don't know what happened.
Kristy (01:59):
Angie has been very, excited for this conversation
because I have been holding itout on her for like months,
plural and that's because wewanted to share the story, like
in a recording
Angie (02:16):
yeah, because this is part of our shit.
Yeah.
And this is something that Iguess Kristy is okay with
sharing.
So thank you in advance forsharing, but also excitement is
a, not an adequate word for whatI'm feeling.
I don't know what English word,what I'm anticipatory I'm not
(02:37):
anxious.
anxious comes off with likevery, Yeah.
I try not to put a negative spinon, you know, anxiousness
because we both have anxiety.
but like, I I'm, yeah.
I don't know what the word isfor it, but
Kristy (02:50):
Oh, okay.
Angie (02:50):
I am both excited to hear and also not excited to hear,
because I know that this was along term relationship and you
had known and loved this personfor a really long time.
So of course, you know, removingthat person from your daily life
is a whole thing.
And it is a whole type of griefon its own.
(03:11):
So of course I'm not excitedabout your grief.
but I do wanna know whathappened and I do wanna know how
you're feeling about it and howyou felt about it and how you
will feel about it.
And also that how many peoplehave you told already other than
Kristy (03:29):
so you can know like how, how, where you rank
Angie (03:31):
yeah.
Where do I rank in your, in yourlist?
no, no, no.
I just want to know where youare in terms of your processing
fuck sakes.
My dog.
Kristy (03:42):
well, okay.
First of all, one of the reasonswhy I'm nervous and I keep
delaying that's another thing,like we were supposed to record
this episode, like weeks ago,but almost every time on the day
of the recording, I'm like, no,I don't wanna do it.
And I just kept pushing it andpushing it.
And one of the main reasons isbecause I feel like I have built
(04:06):
up so much tension and I don'twant to disappoint you with the
story.
And I feel like today's episodeis gonna have, this is not a
good way to start our episode toour listeners.
You're gonna be disappointed.
Angie (04:18):
So just for background, it's not like I haven't spoken
to Kristy for all these monthsand since her breakup, we have
been speaking, but this subjecthas been filtered out, has been
screened out.
Somehow we both don't ask it.
Don't talk about it.
Just kind of put it on holds.
So that's why I was curiousabout how many people Kristy
have already talked about thiswith, why would I be
(04:39):
disappointed?
Kristy (04:40):
You'll see.
Okay,
Angie (04:41):
okay.
Kristy (04:41):
To answer your question, how many people I want to say
like three, Oh four.
My mom now knows.
Angie (04:50):
I know that you had contemplated about it for a
while because there were timeswhere you mentioned it.
Even that time before we startedour podcast, when we had a
gathering and you came over andgot really drunk on my rooftop
patio, you were even talkingabout it then.
And that was like over two yearsago.
Kristy (05:10):
so I've been, I've been dating.
I have been, oh my God.
What kind of tenses do I use?
Jesus.
Angie (05:15):
been you had been dating you dated.
You had been dating him.
You
Kristy (05:20):
We had dated that.
Jesus.
This is, this is difficult Oh,
Angie (05:27):
You're focusing on the wrong part.
Kristy (05:29):
okay.
Angie (05:30):
this conversation
Kristy (05:33):
It helps the distraction.
Okay.
So, um, we had dated for, sixyears.
And for the last three years Ihave been contemplating breaking
up.
So
Angie (05:47):
Is quite heavy.
I
Kristy (05:48):
a good half of our relationship, I've been thinking
about breaking up with thisperson.
And that, that says a lot grantgranted the last two years, like
since COVID is kind of a blur,so it's all kind of just like
meshed together as one year,
Angie (06:03):
Okay.
That makes sense.
That seem, that seems a bit lessdramatic.
not that it's not okay, but it'sjust interesting.
It gives me a lot of questions.
So of those times where youthought about breaking up with
him, what made you not gothrough with it?
Kristy (06:18):
I don't know if the answers I'm about to give are
like real answers.
Angie (06:22):
what do you mean real answers?
Kristy (06:23):
I don't know if I am truly speaking from, you know,
Kristy in 2018 or if I'mspeaking it in like hindsight,
Kristy 20, 22.
Angie (06:34):
okay, well that's okay.
I know that our memories don'talways serve us
Kristy (06:39):
They're pretty shit.
Angie (06:41):
Yeah.
but what was the, okay, what wasthe gist of why you were
contemplating all those platingall those years
Kristy (06:50):
okay.
So let me, let me, like, let mejust like, talk about
relationships in general, fromKristy's experience.
Okay.
First of all, I have always beena serial monogamous.
I've only dated people for longterm, and that is by choice.
That's my preference.
and I find that in everyrelationship that I have been
(07:11):
in.
Once the honeymoon once the,once the honeymoon stage have
dissipated and that can differbetween different relationships.
For me, it's somewhere betweenlike the two to three year mark
That's when the honeymoon phasestarts to phase, I start
(07:32):
questioning the entirerelationship and I just feel
like, every time I hit that markof like post honeymoon, I end up
breaking up with that personokay.
I make it sound like it's verylike, you know, copy and paste,
but every relationship has itsown story, but the trajectory,
(07:52):
like the pattern is every time Idate someone, we go like, you
know, two, three years inhoneymoon stage is over.
I'm like, and then I end upbreaking up with the person.
Because I fucking love thehoney.
I mean, who doesn't, who doesn'tlove the honeymoon stage.
Right.
But it's like, it's like drugsfor me.
I wanna keep hitting that highevery time.
(08:13):
And once the high is over, I'mlike next, let me like re
reexperience that honeymoonstage again with somebody else.
Okay.
So I just keep spinning in thesecycles over and over and over
again until I started to date.
I don't even know if I shouldsay his name have, have we said
his name on the show before.
Angie (08:31):
No, you can just say your ex-boyfriend.
Kristy (08:34):
Let's call him the lobster.
We're gonna call him thelobster.
Sorry,
Angie (08:39):
Why lobster?
Kristy (08:40):
because it's his favorite food.
Angie (08:43):
Oh, okay.
Call him the lobster.
Kristy (08:46):
So,
Angie (08:46):
Okay.
so so Mr.
Lobster,
Kristy (08:49):
I actually really like it.
It's very endearing.
So it wasn't until I got to dateMr.
Lobster, it wasn't like, oh myGod, I, I started dating him and
then.
That whole hamster wheel cyclestop.
No, no, no.
The same thing happened.
Okay.
We went honeymoon stage.
It was most excellent.
we get to the three years startsfading, all natural.
(09:12):
Okay.
I recognize this cycle and I'mlike, Hmm, mm let's.
Let's not do that again.
Let's be a little bit moremature about it this time.
Okay.
Like I have taken so manylessons learned from all of my
other previous relationships andI have brought them into this
relationship and it is like, itis probably the, the most mature
(09:34):
and best relationship that I'vehad because of very good
communication, et cetera, etcetera.
So let's be better Kristy.
Let's not.
Do the whole hamster cyclething.
Let's stick it out.
Let's talk about it.
Let's talk about some of thesesmall issues so that it doesn't
build up to resentment.
Let's like talk about myfeelings.
If I feel like something isn'tgreat or I feel angry at
(09:59):
something or, you know, whateverit is about the relationship
that was previously rose coloredby the honeymoon stage is now a
lot clearer.
So let's just, let's just talkabout them as they come up
instead of like, being immatureabout it.
So that's how I got through thefourth year into our
relationship was, putting a lotof effort talking about it and I
(10:22):
thought we were doing greatbecause it was a reciprocal
thing between the two of us.
and.
and then at some point in ourrelationship, around like the
fourth and beginning of fifthyear, we both had some huge
changes in our lives and it was,it basically threw both of us, a
curve ball, but curving indifferent direct.
Angie (10:45):
I was there for that and to someone, let, let me try to
speak about it.
Like anonymously, basically.
What happened was you were youboth made career decisions and
for him, the career decision,impacted his lifestyle a lot.
And for you, your careerdecision to pursue your masters,
(11:07):
with your like, jobs here inVancouver, it was all going
really well for you.
You were doing really well, andfor him, he pursued something
that's completely different.
So he had to burn up all hissavings.
He had to go back to school andthen the industry that he was
going into became all wishywashy.
And there was a lot ofuncertainty.
(11:27):
So to me, from when you told meabout the whole thing, it just
seemed like your lives weregoing in different directions.
Is that right?
Kristy (11:35):
Yes, but I don't wanna just like blame it on that as
the cause of why we broke up,because we started going down
different paths and this is allcoming from me.
Okay.
This is just my version of thestory.
And it is gonna be a very biasedversion and it is gonna be a
very like hindsight version.
I felt like we started walkingdown different paths.
(11:57):
We started behaving likedifferent people and people
change.
We grow as human beings.
I was just so afraid.
We were growing apart becausethis person, oh my God, I didn't
know I was gonna get soemotional so quickly.
I, I was so confident that thiswas gonna be my forever person.
(12:21):
I felt like all those pastrelationships have taught me to
be a better partner.
And it had taught me to be abetter partner for him.
And I felt like all of his pastrelationship had taught him how
to be a better partner for me.
Like I was so sure that thisperson was different.
(12:42):
And even as I'm saying it now, Ifeel like, oh my God, that
sounds so cliche.
But.
I don't know how else to expressit, because that is what I felt.
And I clung onto that for a, along time.
That's how I got through likethe second half of those three
years is because I kept clingingonto the fact that like, no, but
this is the person for me, buttowards the end of the
(13:05):
relationship.
I started to notice that he'snot the same person as he was
when we first started dating andneither am I, and that is
totally normal.
But what scared me the most isthat we weren't growing
together.
We weren't growing in parallel.
We were growing apart and Ididn't know what to do.
(13:26):
And I we've talked about it somany times.
we have had so manyconversations that at this point
I think it like, it like scaredhim.
It like triggered him everytime.
I wanna say like, you know, likewe should talk about X, Y, Z,
whereas before he was like,okay, let's talk about it.
(13:46):
Like, he was very open about it.
And towards the end, it was morelike he was retreating from
having these conversationsbecause we just had so many of
them and none of them wereproductive.
Most of them were not, I can'tsay none cuz I have no idea.
I didn't keep stats scores, butif I were to make an educated,
yes, I would say like nine, 8%of the time we had our
conversations, they didn't comeup with solid solutions.
(14:10):
We didn't have a game plan or anaction plan that we could follow
through.
And if we did, like, we werejust like forcing it.
It didn't come naturally.
Or it just like it.
It, it just felt so wrong.
And then, and then the sameissues would come up again.
Angie (14:25):
right, because from those talks, nothing came of them.
So of course they would come upagain because talking about it,
doesn't always resolve it,talking about it helps
processing helps communication.
But if there are like underlyingissues, it doesn't resolve it.
So that makes sense.
And it seems to me now, correctme if I'm wrong.
It seems to me hearing thatsmall cross section of your
(14:49):
conversations with him, itsounds like you brought up these
concerns.
It affected him.
It affected you.
It affected the relationship andit put everybody on their toes,
but you loved each other toomuch to, to split up.
So each time you had those.
Conversations, it kind of sandeddown whatever bond you did have
(15:09):
together.
Like, I guess like what was thepercentage?
The proportion of serious, scaryconversation to like fun dates
and things where you can fall inlove over and over again.
Kristy (15:22):
It, it honestly like very, the RA.
I don't even know how todescribe it.
We were, we were basically nothaving fun.
We were not going on fun datesand falling in love with each
other.
We weren't putting our energyinto that.
We were just putting all of ourenergy into trying to solve all
of our problems.
So then the more that we try todo that, the more we just became
(15:43):
hyper focused of all the issuesthat we had in our problems.
There were times when we tried,but it, for me, at least, it
felt forced, it felt like it wastoo little too late.
Kristy Yee (15:53):
Okay, this is future editing Kristy here.
I want to emphasize that a lotof the hyper-focusing that came
from me.
I can't necessarily say that hewas hyper-focusing cause I, I
don't think he was, but I wasdefinitely hyper-focusing on all
of our problems.
And I do want to say that Ithink he put in a lot of effort.
(16:14):
To have dates and fall in loveand do fun things.
But because I was superhyper-focused and all the
negative things, I felt like allthat fun.
Fun stuff became forced.
And I didn't think he wasactually into it.
When really I was the one whowasn't super.
Super into it.
Because how can I be into havingfun when the work hasn't been
(16:37):
done yet?
We still have so much work.
That is so we cannot have funyet.
So that was the mindset that iwas in
Kristy (16:46):
And the elephant in the room just got so big that it was
just sucking up all of the airaround us.
And we didn't know what to doabout it.
And because I'm speaking aboutthis on our show and our show
prides itself to be like veryhonest and candid part of me
didn't want to break up becauseI didn't want to do this all
(17:08):
over again.
I didn't wanna start datingsomeone else.
I don't wanna go out and meetsomebody else fall in love
again, Get someone to know me atsuch a deep and personal level,
like that is so much work.
It seems like work now that Ihave to like, uh, I such a
complicated human as we all are,and to have another person like
(17:33):
know and understand noteverything because I'm changing
all the time, but like knowenough about me and still be
like, eh, yeah, I'm still coolwith this, with all of their
like quirks and flaws andeverything else.
Like it's a long ass story totell someone basically, and a
long ass story for me to absorbfrom the other end also.
And it just, it just seems likethe idea of going back out there
(17:56):
and dating is fuckingexhausting.
And I'm like, why do that?
When I have someone that I loveand I'm confident about, and I
feel like this is just one ofthose challenging times in a
relationship and we will getthrough it because I can't just
keep quitting every timesomething goes wrong in a
(18:19):
relationship, let's work thisout, stick through it.
It is like a horrible time foreverybody in the economy.
We're just going, we're justgoing through a rough time.
And we, this
Angie (18:31):
Right.
The pandemic and all that.
Kristy (18:33):
and, and like everything else, right?
Like turning 30, familypressures, et cetera, et cetera.
Like these are just going to belike challenges that we are
currently facing.
And it sucks now, but we'regonna look back at it and
that's, what's gonna make usstronger.
Isn't that we are what we aretold that strong couples go
through things together.
and that you might not walk atthe same pace all the time,
(18:55):
because that's humanly notpossible sometimes one person's
gonna be ahead and sometimes oneperson's gonna be behind, but
that's okay.
Right?
Like as long as you take on thatjourney together and you look
out for each other, is isn'tthat what matters in a decent,
long lasting relationship?
These are all the arguments thatI had in my own head for the
(19:15):
past three years, because I wantto believe that.
Angie (19:18):
But you wanting to believe something and you
actually believing something isdifferent.
Okay.
Now I have a lot of questionsabout these thoughts, but before
I asked them, I wanted to knowwhat.
Not what made you, but whatthoughts finally led to you
actually doing it after allthese years?
Kristy (19:37):
In the last few months before our breakup, we were
working on this new strategy, Iguess this is part of the action
plans.
We're very like action focusedpeople.
Okay.
We like sit down, identify aproblem and come up with an
action plan.
Okay.
And we like fucking love thatshit.
So we were working on somethingthat was part of our action
(19:57):
plans.
and it was actually going quitewell.
And what this action plan wasis, you know how I said, you
know, Mr.
Lobster started to feel veryuncomfortable, almost like
scared to have theseconversations with me.
And for me, I end up beingscared to approach him about it.
So I kind of like, let it buildup And the neither of those
things are healthy.
(20:17):
We recognize that.
So what we said was okay, Once aweek, we will set aside time and
we were gonna talk about all theshits.
Okay.
Whatever it is.
Kristy Yee (20:25):
Future editing Kristy here again.
So in these weekly meetings, wedidn't just talk about the shit.
We spent this time talking aboutour relationship as a whole,
what our plans are for thefuture.
Things to help us fall in loveagain.
Reminiscing our memories.
We had an app that helps guideus with conversational prompts
and the app would also ask usquestions.
(20:47):
Where each of the person willanswer the questions
individually.
And once the couple have bothanswered the questions.
Then the app will reveal whatthe other person had said.
And sometimes we would spend ourmeetings just kind of going
through some of our answers.
Answers and it really helped usget to know each other a bit
more.
And I had always thought we hadvery good communication because
(21:08):
we hate making assumptions, butthe app really helped us.
Sometimes they app or ourconversations in general will
navigate through some trickier.
Conversations.
And sometimes it.
It would just be like a reallynice conversation.
So basically it wasn't.
All shits, but we did haveweekly meetings where we got
(21:29):
together.
And discussed our relationship.
And it helped reduce some of Mr.
Lobster's anxiety Because beforeI would just keep wanting to
talk about our relationship allthe time, and it felt super
uncomfortable for him.
But knowing that we had time setaside.
And knowing what kind ofquestions the app was giving us
that week.
We have a better idea of whatthe conversation will be like.
(21:52):
We just felt better emotionallyprepared to have that chat.
That way we could spend the restof our times and the other days
and hours of the week, nothaving to worry about like, oh
my gosh, Is Kristy going to wantto talk about our relationship
again?
And I don't feel like, oh mygosh, she never wants to talk
about our relationship.
Kristy (22:11):
And that was actually going really well.
And it was actually at one ofthose weekly meetings that I
dropped the bomb and I said,well, I think we should just
break up and like, well, whatthe fuck?
You know, what were you talkingabout before that?
How did it lead up to medropping the bomb?
I'm trying to remember who I wasat that moment, I was sitting in
(22:34):
my bathroom floor with my backbehind my bathtub and I'm trying
to like, remember that personright now.
Okay.
You know what?
I'm like literally reading myjournal right now.
Angie (22:55):
read it,
Kristy (22:56):
and oh God.
Out loud.
Jesus.
Okay.
this is what I wrote, Mr.
Lobster.
And I broke up today.
I'm not completely destroyedyet.
And that scares me because itmeans I have not fully felt the
gravity of this.
And it might catch up to melater.
Neither of us expected this forour conversation today.
I wanted to tell Mr.
Lobster why I wanted to getmarried, but that conversation
(23:19):
turned into marriage itself.
And my thoughts on how.
Man.
My grammar is no good on how if,okay.
I'm just gonna read verbatim.
Okay.
And my thoughts on how
Angie (23:38):
isn't that?
Yeah.
Kristy (23:42):
thoughts if I want it.
And he doesn't, then there's nopoint.
He said that the ball is in mycourt.
He says that I need to commit toa decision.
So I did, although we have a lotof peripheral issues, it has
come down to my version of ourfuture is not the same as his
(24:04):
version of the future.
I want marriage.
He does not.
Neither of us want to change
Angie (24:11):
I think that's quite a well thought out and logical
response to your breakup.
And to me it sounds like.
a lot of those conversations youhad with him and the
conversations you had withyourself were very logical
based.
I am by no means a relationshipexpert, but when you were
(24:33):
telling me about the reasons whyyou wanted to stay like, oh,
another reason I wanna stay is Idon't wanna do this all over
again.
Another reason I wanna stay islike, he is my person.
Another reason I wanna stay islike, I don't why I don't wanna
quit again.
Kristy (24:47):
I mean, okay.
I he's Al he's just, he's alsoa, a, just like a great.
Person, And it would suck not tohave a great human being in my
life.
Angie (24:57):
Yeah, and those are super valid reasons not to leave.
I think a lot of people,including myself have the same
thoughts.
When I think about when, when mylike thought process goes down
that path.
I just think in my personalopinion, I think that you or I,
or anybody would need a littlebit more than those reasons to
(25:21):
stay.
They're great reasons to stay.
They're great reasons not toleave, but they cannot be the
only reason to stay is how Ifeel about it.
And when you started talkingabout those weekly relationship
meetings, I hope this doesn'tcome off like a criticism, like
I'm not criticizing whathappened.
I'm trying to analyze it alongwith you.
So if you think I'm going overboard or if I'm stepping outta
(25:44):
bounds, like let me know.
But, I think what happens whensomebody tells the personal
story is the listener starts torelate to it on their own
personal level.
So when you started talkingabout your, weekly meetings, it
reminded me of like an actualjob, If something happened and
(26:05):
you're feeling like you mightwanna quit the job, Thing, of
course you look for reasons tostay like, oh, I don't wanna go
through the job process again.
I don't wanna have to findanother job, getting to know my
coworkers, getting to know howthe job goes, how to, be
successful on my role.
I don't wanna go through allthat again.
Plus like, I really like thiscompany and I really like my
(26:26):
coworkers, so I don't wannaleave, but if there's something
where it just doesn't suit youand the job like you and the job
just don't go together, butthere's all these other things
that makes it great.
But you've been thinking aboutquitting for a long time.
Like it doesn't bode well forthe future of this job, of you
in this job.
And, and the thing is I havebeen through like my current
(26:47):
job, for example, I felt thatway for a long time.
And I came around to it and nowI don't want to leave and I want
to stay.
And I think that's the biggest,difference for me is before I
didn't wanna leave.
There were many reasons that Iwanna leave, but now I want to
stay.
And I think that's a bigdifference.
And how I got through thathurdle with my job is that I had
(27:08):
these, of course I had theseperformance reviews with my
bosses, right.
And they were analyzing myperformance.
Those always gave me anxiety.
It was when I was left alone todo my job and then seeing my own
work succeed.
Did I become more and more like,oh, maybe I can do this.
Maybe I am good at this.
Maybe I can stay here long term.
(27:29):
Maybe I will move up.
And if you told me that I had tohave a weekly check-in meeting
with my boss on my progress, Iwould've quit right away.
Cause I feel like sometimes youjust need to be given the space
to do your work.
And I.
That's what I thought when youwere telling me about your
weekly meetings, but the lack ofdoing fun things.
(27:50):
Cause I feel like a relationshipshould be fun.
There should be opportunities tofall in love with each other,
among the, you know, drudgery ofeveryday life.
And if that was something thatyou didn't share with Mr.
Lobster, and you finally got tothe part where you're like,
well, we don't see the samefuture.
We don't have this, we don'thave that.
(28:11):
Then it becomes the reasons toleave, start to outweigh the
reasons to not leave.
Kristy (28:17):
So I love that you used a work analogy because I think
that is so relatable and.
What you basically describedabout, you know, leaving you to
do your own work and then seeingyourself progress and then
feeling a bit more confidenteach time you succeed that is
basically like the recipe to getout of imposter syndrome.
(28:38):
So, so yay side bonus to thisepisode, we also talk about
imposter syndrome.
Angie (28:44):
Yeah, but I feel like you can kind of Transfer that
Kristy (28:47):
it, I think it's a great analogy, Fuck, I wrote down and
see, this is what happens when Idon't have my notepad.
I don't got my pen with me.
Angie (28:56):
Hold on.
Everybody.
Kristy's just having a majorfreak out about the lack of list
on her.
Kristy (29:01):
okay.
Angie (29:01):
Stay tuned.
Kristy (29:52):
Now here is the fun kicker.
Okay.
here's the thing that I am mostnervous about in this
conversation, because I thinkI'm afraid of from you.
fuck.
Angie (30:05):
Wait judgment for me judging what?
Kristy (30:07):
Okay.
Angie (30:08):
Oh, you know?
Okay.
I think I know what you'retalking about.
I think in the past I have beena little bit what's that word?
Forcing my values upon others.
When I heard that and Mr.
Lobster, weren't going on date.
I was like, nah, man, you gottahave dates.
Like do the dates, the dates.
You gotta fall in love with eachother.
(30:28):
You gotta like, keep that
Kristy (30:30):
I, I mean, I agree.
I agree.
Dates are great and we do needto fall in love and, you know, I
think those are very valid,friendly, advices.
and I still fully agree with youabout those.
What I am most afraid of interms of judgment after that
night that I had broken up withhim, I had a fucking shit show
(30:51):
of a week as I'm sure he did aswell, because every single day I
changed my mind.
So the next day I messaged himabout it.
And I gave a whole spiel aboutwhy my mind changing is valid.
I backed it up with a lot ofgood points.
Okay.
And let me paint this picture.
(31:11):
I am at the end of my semester,I am in like final paper writing
mode Okay so I am veryacademically prepared to write
this text message essay.
the next day I revert all of mypast arguments from 24 hours
ago.
And I will argue why we need tobreak up that went on literally
(31:35):
for seven days until it got tothe point where my last message
was.
I think we should stay togetherbecause of.
B C D E F And his response was,this is really fucking
overwhelming.
It's been an emotional shitshow.
I need to sit with all of thesefeelings and process, and that's
(31:55):
when I realized I have been theone to dictate everything that
has been going on in ourrelationship.
I am the one who starts talkingabout all of the problems.
I am the one who said we shouldhave weekly meetings.
I am the one who broke up.
I am the one who got backtogether.
And then I am the one who brokeup again.
(32:15):
And I am the one who got us backtogether.
Again, the entire duration ofour crazy roller coaster for.
Maybe our whole relationship.
I was not really listening towhat he has to say.
Not really.
I will invite him into theconversation, but I don't even
know if that's something that hewas prepared to do.
(32:37):
I just like give him the mic.
That's my definition of sharingthe floor.
But maybe he didn't even wannabe in the room.
Maybe he wasn't even ready for aconversation yet.
Right.
Like I did not ever considerthose factors.
And of course after like postbreakup situations, I do the
best and smartest thing peoplewould do.
I scroll back on our WhatsAppchat messages.
(33:00):
And I'm going like way thefucking back.
Okay.
I'm like in fucking 20 17, 2018.
And now what I'm seeing is firstof all, The way I had described
our relationship as beingproblematic That shit did not
happen until like late 20, 19.
And he was really fucking goodand patient and caring and
(33:22):
loving and generous and kind tome.
I also saw, I, I did notreciprocate very well and it
might sound like I'm being hardon myself and maybe putting him
on a bit of a pedestal and likeputting a halo effect on him.
But the thing is, I am seeingthe evidence in the text
messages.
It's not just based off ofmemory anymore.
Like, I blame him for notattending any of my family
(33:45):
functions or my familyvacations.
But every time he asked me tocome to his family functions, I
always said no.
Okay.
That's just like one example Iwas not very generous.
I was not very respectful.
I was not very caring or giving.
I'm not just trashing on myselfbecause I'm just seeing more of
(34:05):
the realities.
And I think if I hadn't read anyof those text messages, like we
mentioned earlier, our memoriesare shit.
I would've formed this wholeother narrative About who Mr.
Lobster was and how ourrelationship came to be when
really I wasn't taking muchaccountability or responsibility
(34:26):
at all.
And I recognized that we are atdifferent places right now.
I recognize that there's a lotboth of us need to work on, not
just for a relationship's sake,but like for ourselves, we need
time and space to work onourselves.
Because like I said, last fewyears, we got thrown some curve
(34:49):
balls.
We ended up in places that wedidn't think we were going to
be, and it really messed us upas just like our own human.
So of course it's gonna rippleinto our relationship and how
are we supposed to work on ourrelationship when we couldn't
even work on ourselves yet?
How are we supposed to repairsomething in our relationship
when there is something thatneeds to be fixed within our own
(35:12):
person.
And so my last proposal to Mr.
Lobster was, I definitely thinkwe need to take time apart.
We need to work on ourselves.
He has admitted that to me somany times, and I just don't
think I have given him thespace.
He has told me a lot of things.
That's been hurting him in hislife and I wasn't there to
(35:33):
support him.
And I recognize that.
And maybe I can't be there rightnow.
That's something he needs towork on.
He needs to deal with some shiton his own, but it also means
that I need to work on some shiton my own.
And I want to work on how to bea better partner, how to be a
kinder person, how to be moregenerous, not just for Mr.
Lobster, but just for any of myrelationship, for the sake of my
own self growth.
(35:53):
I need time and space to work onme before I can even think about
touching a relationship.
And so my last proposal is Idon't think we should break up,
but I do think we need a hell ofa time apart.
And I know that this means Irisk us not actually being
together because time candefinitely drift people apart.
I recognize that if I say we'regonna go on a break, especially
(36:17):
if it's gonna be like someinfinite break, there's a risk
that I'm gonna meet anotherperson.
He might meet another person.
And then it's just like peace.
Right.
And.
I'm okay.
I'm willing to accept that risk.
And this time apart, I amworking on myself to be a better
partner to whomever it will bein the future.
So what I was most afraid of intelling you, Angie, was that we
(36:39):
have not actually broken up thatwe are on a break and I am so
afraid of judgment, What asoliloquy look at you.
Angie (36:52):
I hope you can see that I'm actually smiling right now
I'm happy.
The last thing I would do isjudge you because I've been
through very similar situations.
And I think it's because wedon't really talk about those
situations that we are scared ofother people judging us.
When in actuality they've donethe same thing.
(37:15):
So first of all, I'm very happythat you guys are not actually
broken up.
because as you were talkingabout it, I could tell, like you
have a lot of love for him andhe does for you the one time I
met him.
and yes he is.
Yes.
Do you?
Okay, for context,.
(37:35):
it was, uh, like a couple daysbefore Kristy's birthday and Mr.
Lobster texting me somehow.
Sorry.
I met him that one time when youcame over from my house warming
back in 2018 and he came along,I barely talked to him cuz there
were so many people just, youknow, just insert of flex.
Before, when I had more than 10friends, and then pandemic
happened and now I'm like, whoare my friends?
(37:57):
but, yeah.
So I guess that was the secondtime, so he messaged me.
He's like, Hey, I wanna do thisrecording this video for
Kristy's 30th birthday.
You know, that year there was alot of videos.
I remember a lot of videosbecause all of us were turning
30 and it was pandemic.
So there was a lot of videos andI was like, yeah.
Okay.
and I guess he was on a timecrunch cuz he had all these
people's houses to hit up and hehad already hit up a few houses
(38:19):
and then he was gonna come meetme, here.
But then I told him I had to godrive my car around because my
battery died and I drove to, asupermarket and I was in the
parking lot.
I told him I was in the parkinglot.
So he drove all the way to thesupermarket.
He comes over, he's like, hi,hi.
He like pulls out these balloonsout of his car, he pulls out all
these little props and he'slike, okay, hold this.
(38:42):
And then stand here.
And then I'll film.
And then he film and I was like,happy birthday Kristy blah,
blah.
I did my spiel.
We finished up.
And then he gets in his car andhe doesn't leave yet.
I think he's like doing his,some texting.
I think he's figuring out hislike route, whatever, where to
go next to hit up all ofKristy's friends.
And then when I try starting mycar again, my battery died
(39:03):
again.
And I was like for fuck sakes,and then he noticed.
that I was like, standingoutside my car, like not moving.
He's like, Hey, is everythingokay?
And I was like, my car batterydied.
And then he was like, oh no.
And then he stayed around.
And then I called BCAA.
And then when I finally hadfinished, he like came out of
the car.
He's like, oh, I'll drive youhome.
(39:24):
And I thought that was so sweet.
And I was like, wow, what a goodperson?
And then we just chatted in thecar, you know, and I was like,
yeah.
Okay.
And then I never really likeinteracted with him again, but I
was like, yeah, I like him.
of course, like, so you'reright.
He is a really good person.
So of course, like I'm happythat you're not okay.
Maybe not.
(39:45):
I'm not one to feel happy or sadabout your relationship.
What I'm really happy about isyou recognizing all of these
things that you had described,like when you were talking just
now there was like no pauses andyou're speaking, it came
directly from the heart to like,it was just boom, boom, boom,
boom, boom.
And to me, I was like, wow,that's growth.
Kristy (40:10):
I just exemplified like self actualization.
Angie (40:14):
The fact that you recognize like, Hey, I'm not
perfect.
I did all these things.
I didn't look at hisperspective.
I wanna work on myself and hewants to work on himself and
then together, maybe we'll findour way back to each other, but
we're not calling it quits ahundred percent because we're
not ready to just let it go.
And I think it takes a differentkind of bravery to approach that
too, because I don't know if Icould do that because to me
(40:37):
that's just so anxiety inducing,because I'm like, what if they
meet someone else?
But again, that's like another,that's another symptom of like,
insecurity.
So it feels like to me, you arefeeling pretty secure about the
situation and the amount thatyou want to improve yourself,
exceeds the amount of anxietyover it.
So that to me shows a lot ofgrowth zero judgment.
(40:59):
Well, I guess positive judgmentis still judgment.
Kristy (41:03):
See, what I would love is just to like end the episode
there, you know, that'd begreat, but here's the thing.
all of what I had just said isjust my proposal.
I have not heard back from himyet about his thoughts.
And he had asked for time tothink about it.
And because I am, I am such anaction oriented person.
(41:24):
And I had just mentioned, I wasthe one who's making all the
decisions it's been really toughfor the last few months.
Just not saying anything andgiving him that space to just to
process, because for me a fewmonths could be like eternity,
but for him it's like maybebarely enough time.
(41:45):
And I think that's the, that'sthe hardest part so far, because
I, I am still sitting here likea sitting duck,
Angie (41:52):
That would also be extremely anxiety inducing.
No.
Excellent.
I
Kristy (41:55):
so
Angie (41:56):
the,
Kristy (41:57):
I mentioned judgment, yes, I was afraid of judgment
from you, but not just you likeAngie, but I think in my mind
you represent the collective I..
don't, don't ask me why let'snot go into that.
so in my mind, I was afraid totell my story because I was
(42:18):
afraid of judgment fromeverybody else.
And maybe I am projecting my ownself judgment onto other people,
because there are still flaws inthis proposal that I have
written up.
proposed.
What, what, what is a good termfor this, this
Angie (42:38):
the proposal that have forth,
Kristy (42:41):
thank you.
See, clearly we are recordingthis in summer mode because I
ain't in school no more.
Okay.
essay writing.
Kristy is gone now, the proposalthat I have put forth, there are
obvious flaws because what aboutall that stuff that I talked
about, about us growing apartabout me wanting marriage and
him not wanting marriage?
Like these are, these are bigitems.
(43:03):
These are fundamental things ina relationship.
Like what about those?
And I recognize that, okay.
I just wanna put it out there.
I recognize that.
And maybe part of me is somesort of, uh, you know, has this
romanticism in me, but I, I, Iwant to try so hard.
And I think that this is alsothe next mature thing for us to
(43:24):
do as both humans and aspartners is.
to give ourselves that space togrow, knowing that there's a
risk, we might not come backtogether, but still leaving that
as an option that we could.
Angie (43:36):
Yeah.
And you know, those are thethings you see, what I see is
like bravery and honesty, beinghonest to yourself, like facing
those realities, I think isreally hard.
And yeah, like I know it soundsreally cliche and I'm your
friend, so I have to supportyou.
But I do think it's very bravewhat you're doing.
I must, but I do think it'sreally brave what you're doing.
(43:57):
Like, I don't think a lot ofpeople can do that.
Like, I don't think a lot ofpeople can feel grounded enough
to be like, okay, I'm gonna givethem space at that.
Like, I'm actually gonna givethem space.
Like, that's a hard thing to do,especially if you.
Have a similar background toKristy and I, where we're like,
we're the only children.
We had to take a lot of autonomyfor ourselves as kids.
(44:18):
So we're used to makingdecisions for ourselves from a
young age.
So we like being in control,being in control means less
anxiety, because it means lesssituations where we could die
basically.
So I do think what you're doingis very, very impressive because
of those reasons.
Kristy (44:41):
well, we have never done that on the show before.
Angie (44:43):
That's the first time you've heard us make those
noises
Kristy (44:48):
It won't
Angie (44:48):
the
Kristy (44:48):
last Oh my,
Angie (44:51):
and like, you know, not to like, you know, Give away too
much, but I know that one of theepisodes we wanna record this
season is about how journalingsaved my relationship.
And you were there when I toldyou I had broken up with my
boyfriend and then we got backtogether literally a week later,
guess what I was doing there.
And that week flipped week flipflopping.
(45:17):
I literally called him everyday.
I will text him and be like, canwe talk?
And he'll be like, okay, gimme asecond.
And then he, and then he willeither call me back and be like,
okay, I can talk now.
And then we talked on the phoneevery day, like similar to what
you did, but it was on thephone.
And I said, remember likesitting on the floor in my
bedroom with my back against mybed.
Because I felt so much anxiety.
(45:38):
And then after I hang out withthe phone, I'm like, as you're
being crazy right now, like whatthe hell, like process your
emotions properly?
Like, you're the one whoinitiated the breakup, like
blah, blah, blah, blah.
So I went back and forth andback and forth, and then we got
back together, literally like aweek after I have.
Kristy (46:01):
the takeaway is between ed Angie and I one week is the
average and it takes 24 hourflip flopping.
Angie (46:13):
Yeah.
And the flip flops weren't evenlike the same flip Flo.
Like every time my flip floop,there was a legitimate reason.
Kristy (46:20):
Yes.
Yes.
Like I'm telling you every timethe flip Flo happened, like I
had a case.
Okay.
For both sides.
I was,
Angie (46:29):
You were the the prosecution and the defense.
Yeah.
So, So of course that's why I'mlike judgment, dude.
I've been there.
like almost to the tea.
Kristy (46:43):
okay.
Ah, okay.
So then the other takeaway isall of that fear that we have
about what our friends think,what our family thinks, et
cetera, etcetera.
So much of it.
In our own heads or part of itis a projection of our own
self-judgment.
And even if people are judgingme and I'm sure not everyone
might agree with my decisions,like that's okay too, because
(47:07):
you do whatever you want withyour life.
And I do what I want with mine
Angie (47:11):
Exactly.
There you go.
And bye.
No, I'm just kidding.
Kristy (47:18):
Okay.
So in today's episode.
I shared finally with Angie andall of you listeners, about
what's going on with me and Mr.
Lobster, our rollercoaster of abreakup, and then non breakup,
how I have reached selfactualization, but not really
just really understanding alittle bit more about the areas
(47:39):
that I need to work on so that Ican become a better partner and
the decisions that I have madewith regards to my relationship.
And I'm gonna end our episodewith the last few text messages
between Mr.
Lobster.
And I dated 29th, and I thinkrest is good.
I need some rest too.
Mr.
Lobster replies.
(48:00):
Okay.
That sounds good.
Let's rest a little, try tosleep some more and eat good
smiley face
Angie (48:05):
Aw.
I think that's very sweet.
You're making a face and I don'treally understand.
Kristy (48:11):
visit.
I was trying to smile.
Angie (48:14):
It looked a bit forced.
I, I think what it is reading,it is probably a bit bittersweet
for you because of course it's anice message, but it also makes
you miss.
Oh, so dearly and I'm sure youwanna talk to him, but you can't
cuz you gotta give him space.
Well, thank
Kristy (48:28):
yes.
Angie (48:29):
Well, thank you Kristy, for sharing everything.
That's happened with you overthis past few months and also
just sharing the gist of yourjourney with yourself through
this relationship, the ups anddowns, and you coming to a
conclusion or not a conclusion,but coming to some sort of a
conclusion about Right.
Kristy (48:51):
an action plan.
Angie (48:52):
you like to, you are learning how to love yourself
first so that you can lovesomeone else better.
And I think that's a beautifulthing.
So again, thank you for sharingand, we'll talk to you next
episode.
We'll see you on the nextepisode.
Kristy (49:08):
Bye.
Angie (49:09):
Bye.
(49:42):
So how do you feel That'sactually pretty clever.
Kristy (49:46):
I feel glad that you are now on the same page and I'm
honestly gonna use this episodeso that my friends will also be
on the same page because I havenot.
Shared this story with manypeople and I don't want to have
to repeat it 5,000 times.
yeah, I think in allseriousness, I'm, I'm really
(50:06):
glad that I, I was able like,I'm like, basically you now know
what's up.
You know, and I feel good aboutthat.
It's not a relief because itwasn't like there was tension.
Well, maybe there was reliefbecause I felt like there might
be judgment but the response,wasn't what I had expected.
I didn't expect you to be like,you are brave and you are
(50:27):
self-actualizing and like, lookat all these amazing things
you're doing and blah, blah,blah.
so, you know, that feels nice tohear.
It was, it was really nice tohear you share the story of Mr.
Lobster and the car situation.
Like a little reminder of like,he's, he's great.
He has flaws.
And so do I, but it's, it's niceto focus on some of the good
things too.
Angie (50:46):
Well, let me know.
now that we're on the same page,now, if there's something you
need to talk out, I'm, I'm herefor you.
Kristy (50:51):
Cool.
I, yeah, I I just don't feellike there's, I don't feel like
I'm harboring anything on theinside that I feel like I need
to talk it out.
You know,
Angie (50:59):
That's good.
That's
Kristy (51:01):
pretty, like, I feel pretty, fucking liberated, not
because like we broke up or notbroke up, but just like, yes,
I'm still a sit or like morelike, yes, I'm still sitting
duck.
And that, that is a level ofanxiety.
But for most of it, I feelactually pretty liberated
because I have time and space towork on me.
(51:21):
And it was a scary thoughtbecause Like, I don't know what
it's like to be single.
I think there is some level ofdependency because I've been in
a relationship since I was 14.
Angie (51:31):
Yeah, because for us, that honeymoon phase, like
having someone take care of us,like, whoa,
Kristy (51:37):
I know.
Right.
Oh man.
It's like the elixir of life.
Angie (51:42):
Yeah,
Kristy (51:43):
I know that's a big extreme, but like that shit is
good.
Angie (51:46):
Mm-hmm
Kristy (51:49):
I maybe that's something to explore actually another
episode
Angie (51:51):
yeah.
Maybe.
Kristy (51:52):
because I've
Angie (51:53):
explode, but
Kristy (51:54):
exploded.
Angie (51:56):
We could explore it.
when we record the episode aboutthe journaling saving
relationship, because a lot ofthat came up for me as well.
Kristy (52:05):
Mm, okay.
Let's make a note of that.
Okay, cool.
Cool.
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