Episode Transcript
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DeAnn Knighton (00:00):
Welcome back to
sober, positive workplace for a
while now, I really wanted tospeak with someone who has
navigated a sobriety journey asan individual working in a
helping profession, and I ampleased to introduce our guest
today, Kate. It is a registerednurse for over two decades, and
is a board certified nursecoach, as well as certified in
(00:23):
addiction. She is also so muchmore than that. As you'll hear
as we talk today, there's a lotto Kate, so let's get started
and find out more. Kate, I'm sohappy you're here. Thank you for
being on the show. Thank you somuch for having me. I was
looking forward to this. Yeah,there is a lot that I want to
discuss, and I will admit thatsome of it is a little bit
(00:45):
selfishly motivated. I'mcurrently on this maze of
becoming a clinical mentalhealth counselor from working
for years and on the businessside, and I am struggling right
now, like in the here and now,I'm just about to get done and
move into the internship phase,and I am having this very
(01:05):
complex, overwhelming feelingof, I guess you would call it
imposter syndrome, and fearabout, you know, all the it's
like all the things that I wasso confident in, including my
own sobriety journey, suddenlynow feel vulnerable to me.
There's, you know, all of thesethings are kind of coming up. So
I am kind of looking forward totalking to you about that a
little bit, because I'm guessingthat might be something that you
(01:29):
can relate on to some degree orgive some insight on. But before
we do, I really want people toget to know you better. So let's
start there. Talk to us aboutyour journey and what brought
you to the show today.
Unknown (01:44):
Yeah, well, first I
wanted to make a comment on
imposter syndrome, because Icertainly felt that when I moved
into nursing leadershippositions, director of nursing
roles in a mental healthenvironment, and I remember a
supervisor said to me onceimposter syndrome just means you
hold a lot of reverence for thejob and for what it entails. And
(02:08):
I love that word reverence,because when I think about it
that way, I thought, yeah, thisis super important work that I'm
doing, and I want to do areally, really good job, and I
value this work so much thatthat is why I'm feeling this
love, love imposter syndrome.
And he said, we all feel that nomatter whether we're, you know,
PhD level or whatever, no matterhow many years, but it just
(02:30):
think of it as that you valuethe work so much so it's a good
thing. Really. I
DeAnn Knighton (02:36):
love that. It's
like you're paying attention. So
paying attention isn't a badthing, and being passionate and
caring about what you do isn't abad thing, as long as it doesn't
over overcome you too much. It'skind of like how if somebody
comes into a counselor and says,I think I'm a narcissist, you're
pretty sure they're not anarcissist, because they
wouldn't come in and say theyare one. They wouldn't be
(02:58):
worried about being one, right?
So there's something like inthat, yeah, in that inquiry that
is actually like a healthy
Unknown (03:05):
thing, yeah? And when
it comes to these helping
professions in the medical worldand in behavioral health and
sobriety, we're talking about avulnerable population of people.
So there's a next level ofcaution that you take when
you're talking through your ownstory, as well as when you're
guiding them along the path. SoI certainly get it. I mean, you
(03:27):
can church it up however youwant, but imposter syndrome is
real, and I get that so much so.
But yeah, I've been an RN sinceI was 22 so my whole adult life.
I'm 45 and I've worked invarious healthcare settings. I
started out as a cardiac nurse,and I've worked in home health,
(03:48):
in operating rooms. I even did aabout a five year stint in
pharmaceutical sales andeducation. So I've done all
manner of nursing work, but itwasn't until I got sober in 2018
that I went into behavioralhealth, and I really shifted my
focus, and I began to study.
(04:10):
And, you know, I was pursuing,getting board certified in
psychiatric, Mental HealthNursing, and then I became a
certified addiction RN and allthe things, because, you know,
as I went along my own recoveryjourney, not only was I curious
for my own self, right, but Iwas curious, what are the
medical people telling our youknow, our patients, what is the,
(04:34):
what is the expert opinion? Youknow, in recovery circles, we
throw around a lot of knowledge,like, we're all like armchair
quarterbacks in recoverycircles. So I was really
curious, like, what are thedoctors saying? What are what
are the addiction specialistssaying? What does the DSM say?
You know what is true and not?
What is folklore, what is passedon and just truisms that we.
(04:57):
Just believe regardless. And Ialso was really curious about
the science of addiction and thebrain and neuroplasticity and
all of it, really, oh
DeAnn Knighton (05:11):
my gosh, I'm
like nodding my head's about to
pop off. We have so much incommon. I'm almost 45 I became
sober in 2019 and everything youjust said is exactly why I ended
up in this program that I'm indoing clinical mental health
counseling, all that same, like,level of curiosity, I just the
(05:31):
way I think about things, evengoing back to, like, my
treatment I used to, like,assess when I was in treatment,
like, why did they just do that?
Why does that work? What youknow, that's just kind of how my
brain always is. And I was alsowanting to filter between like,
what do we know? What do westill need to know? Where do we
really like as, where does thetime need to be spent? And it's
(05:53):
kind of hard to answer thatquestion on a bigger level, if
you don't like, have some ofthat context from understanding
what people are saying and doingin the field,
Unknown (06:03):
absolutely, yeah. And
having been a nurse for so long,
I immediately, when I got sober,was like, Wait, is that evidence
based practice? Like, you know,and I'm thinking from a nursing
perspective. And so yeah, I itwas like, there was no, no way I
was going to just blindly takeadvice from people and so much
of what we pass around inrecovery circles, although it's
(06:27):
with the best intent, it's notexactly scientifically based and
or it's misinformation.
Sometimes it is so it'simportant to fact check
DeAnn Knighton (06:37):
yes, and
sometimes it is scientifically
based, but just package thissomething else, yes, and call it
something else. And so sometimesI'm like, oh, yeah, that that
kind of works, yeah, but yeah,it's that's interesting. Do you
mind if we go back even a littlebit further to what got you to
(06:57):
sobriety, and maybe the rolethat your work played in that
evolution, whatever you feelcomfortable sharing
Unknown (07:03):
there, yeah, yeah.
Well, I'm an open book,especially, you know, I work as
a coach. Now. I tell clients toGoogle me, because all my
information is public knowledge.
My drinking really progressed, Iwould say late 20s, early 30s.
Throughout my 30s, I began todrink really heavily. And, you
know, I can blame some of it onthe work, but I've worked with
(07:27):
clients in all professions, andthey all blame their work. So, I
mean, it's, you know, stress,pain, trauma, fatigue, burnout,
expectations, life. I mean, youcan blame it on anything, but
there is a another level ofstress that comes with high
acuity nursing. And I think whenI look back the fact that I was
(07:49):
learning to be an adult andlearning to be a registered
nurse at the same time, likereally early 20s, I started on a
high acuity ICU step down unitwhere we were the code team for
the hospital, sort of the firstresponders. And, you know, I
look at myself and I think backto my 23 year old self, 24 you
(08:12):
know, working 12 hour shifts,like really being exposed to
things most people never see intheir life. I found some
solitude and Solstice anddrinking. And that was my my
cure. And by my late 30s, I wasa daily drinker, a blackout
drinker. It was I was a problemdrinker. Through various nursing
(08:35):
jobs, i i probably performed at70 to 80% of my potential, maybe
less, because of my ongoingdrinking. But it didn't really
become a problem, like in myface problem, until around, oh,
probably 2016 2017 is when I gotreported to the state Board of
(08:59):
Nursing. I attempted to quitdrinking on my own, and I didn't
know anything about recovery. Imean, the sad part is, I had
been at a nurse for 17 years atthis point, and I knew nothing
about addiction. I knew nothingabout recovery. I didn't know a
single human being that went toAA or that ever, you know, I got
(09:23):
a DUI. I in 2014 I didn't knowanyone who had ever gotten a
DUI, so it was just like I hadthis, like, naive side where or
ignorant, or I don't even know.
I feel silly even saying this.
But by the time I got reportedto the state Board of Nursing,
my addiction was so far down thetoilet, you know, and I knew
(09:44):
nothing and no one. So I feltreally lost. And I had tried to
quit drinking on my own. I hadtried to sort of white knuckling
it, and I said I'm not going todrink alcohol anymore. And I was
really proud of myself for sixmonths that i i. I was sober,
but I was smoking pot, andnurses aren't allowed. I mean,
(10:05):
it's not federally legal, sofirst responders, you know, so I
ended up getting in trouble forthe marijuana, and then they
found, of course, that I had adrinking problem, that I had a
DUI, this, that, and the other.
It's kind of a silly story, butit's all on my nursing license.
I mean, you can, you can look upmy nursing license, and there it
is, you know, I, I tried to fakea drug screen by bringing in
(10:27):
fake p and so I got reported tothe state board of nursing for
tampering with a drug screen.
And that is a no joke. I mean,they take that really seriously.
So I got put in a monitoringprogram for nurses with
substance use issues. And Iwould say, you know, it's a
death of 1000 cuts as to why Ifinally gave up, gave in,
(10:51):
surrendered, got sober, butthere was something about the
fear of losing my nursinglicense after all that time I
had identified. I mean, that wasmy identity. Was being an RN,
you know, there was fear. I hadalready suffered so many
consequences, and there wassomething about going into the
(11:14):
monitoring program that was alittle bit enticing for me,
because there were I knew that Iwould have a weekly peer support
group with other nurses thatunderstood. And I thought, you
know, this might be my god shot.
And around that time, I startedreading books on sobriety,
memoirs, anything I could find.
(11:34):
And I remember reading therecovering by Leslie Jamison and
literally closing that book andsaying, You know what, I'm going
to an AA meeting. And I justgoogled and found one and drove
and there I went, and I've neverlooked back. And that was
February 10 of, 2018 I'm
DeAnn Knighton (11:51):
curious if
you're comfortable to speak of
it, to hear about yourimpression of the monitoring
program. You mentioned thatthere was some parts of it that
were effective for you, what waskind of that overall experience
like for people who maybe aren'tfamiliar with that? Yeah, I
Unknown (12:06):
mean, this is a state
run program. It's, I'm in
Washington State. So it wasWashington health provider
services. Each state has theirown. You can go into it as a
nurse, as a doctor, as a nursepractitioner, all levels, you
know, there were all levels ofof nurses in my group. We were
subjected to random UAS, and wehad to go to our group meetings.
(12:30):
We had to go to some kind ofrecovery meetings. You know,
there's pros and cons to it. Itfelt punitive at the time. It's
essentially designed to keep thepublic safe, so it's the state's
way of allowing you to continueworking while while proving to
the to the general populationthat you are going to be a safe
(12:54):
healthcare employee. So Itotally get that when I think
about it from that perspective.
It's designed to protect thepublic, and I wouldn't want my
grandmother being cared for byan impaired nurse, so I get
that, but it's not necessarilydesigned for to, like, wrap
their arms around you and reallyhelp you get sober. And, I mean,
you're assigned a case manager,but they're essentially just
(13:17):
there to monitor you. So it'sjust that it's a monitoring
program. You have to seek yourrecovery and your community and
your you know, any way you canoutside of the program. So like
I said, pros and cons,
DeAnn Knighton (13:33):
yeah, definitely
not holistic. Sounds very
similar to I worked in a courtmandated setting. I didn't quite
realize it till I got there, andI was working in that
environment, because I had beenin an outpatient that that the
motivations were reallydifferent, and that I was
working with women who werelooking for reunification and
(13:57):
coming out of the prison system.
And I think I had almost toohigh of expectations of what the
service was that they were goingto be getting, if that makes
sense. And so then I go in allgung ho with my recovery
knowledge and all you know,ready to just, let's do this.
We're going to fix your life,save the world. Yeah, right. And
then going like, oh yeah, no,there. There are these like
(14:20):
specific niches that sort ofhave to operate a specific way
to be able to operate. And thenwhat people do outside of that
is where all of these otherservices come in. But then it's
like, can they get to thoseservices? Are people able to
access some of that outside ofthat system? Is what my fear
always is, yeah, and the programI was
Unknown (14:43):
in, we were required to
work in order to graduate it.
You couldn't just sit back and,you know, work retail for five
years. You had to actually workin as a nurse to get credit
through the system. So thatbrought up a whole nother level
of what it's like. Like in earlysobriety, trying to get a job as
(15:04):
a nurse with big red letters onyour license and explaining that
you are now in a monitoringprogram for nurses with
substance use issues. Was it
DeAnn Knighton (15:13):
that that kind
of informed the path you went on
to be in the field, or was itnot connected? No, I had
Unknown (15:21):
my own mental health
struggles getting sober. I was
in a psychiatric facilitybecause I had basically a mental
breakdown before I got sober. SoI was curious about the work,
and I was interested in givingback. In that sense, I got
really fortunate that I got ajob. I was six months sober, and
(15:45):
I got hired by a behavioralhealth company as an on call
nurse. They were going to justgive me a chance. You know,
working the floor per diem hourskind of ended up with, like,
weekends, holidays, wheneverthey were desperate, but they
gave me a chance, and I, at thetime, I wasn't allowed to pass
(16:06):
narcotics, so I had to havesomeone else, you know, take the
keys and go do the thing. Imean, there had to be a lot of
accommodations for me. So thefact that this organization gave
me a chance was a miracle, and Iwas able to work my way into
full time position and then allthe way up to leadership.
Amazing, amazing.
DeAnn Knighton (16:26):
And I love that
you've turned this into your
focus now as looking backwardsat your own situation and kind
of helping other people along,it seems like. So can you tell
us a little bit of that jumpfrom from nursing into the
coaching realm that you're in,and what that looked like, like
Unknown (16:43):
you. I went into this
work with a little bit of an
airy fairy idea of what it wasgoing to be, and I should know
better, because healthcare is abusiness. I know that, but I
wasn't quite getting to spendthe time with the clients that I
had wanted. And let's see,couple years ago, I looked into
(17:03):
coaching, and I really didn'tknow there was such thing as a
nurse coach. I had looked intocoaching programs for just
anyone, and I stumbled across aninstitute for registered nurses.
You you go through this trainingprogram, you have some
supervision, and you pass astate board exam, and it
actually goes on your license.
So I did that a year and a halfor so ago, and I've opened my
(17:29):
own coaching business, and it'san LLC, and I've been coaching
ever since. I still work as anurse for a behavioral health
entity, but I am able to run myown business on the side. What I
like to say is I coach highperforming women who can do
anything they put their mind to,except get sober.
DeAnn Knighton (17:53):
Let's kind of
jump over a little bit to home
life, if you don't mind, you, Isaw some indication about some
connection in your current lifeto the idea of PTSD and military
service, and the connectionbetween substance use and
military service, it's notreally something I've even had
the chance to talk about on theshow yet, which is crazy. So I
(18:14):
would just love to hear how thatconnection has come together,
and how it applies to the adviceand the coaching that you do.
You know,
Unknown (18:21):
with first responder
positions, there is an element
of PTSD and moral injury fromthe the traumatic things that we
witness. But I remarried almost10 years ago. We've been married
almost 10 years, and my husbandwas a career soldier. He was in
(18:41):
the army for 20 years, and hewas just transitioning out of
the military after 20 freakingyears when we got married. So I
saw it firsthand. Like this iswhat it's like to transition
from the military into acivilian life, and all the PTSD
and this, the struggles werecoming right up to the surface,
(19:05):
and he didn't get sober when Igot sober, but he's currently
sober, so he's been sober almostthree years now, and what a
giant difference he's, you know,it's made on his mental health
and his PTSD, you know, but oneof the things we bonded over
when we first met being a nurseand a soldier is that we've seen
(19:27):
some horrible things. You know,we've been in situations most
people are not in. You know,were those people that run
toward the sound of gunfirebecause we're in a helping
profession? So, yeah, so I've,I've definitely seen it there.
And you know, my husband isdoing some really cool things
because he was noticing therewasn't a lot of spaces for
(19:48):
retired soldiers or even activeduty that were addiction
recovery focused. And so hebecame a smart recovery
facilitator and leads a meetingfor veterans.
DeAnn Knighton (19:59):
Fantastic. I
love that. I love variety in
options for people. And I lovealso, like when specific people
have that specific backgroundcan help guide people in that
way. I think that's awesome. Youknow, sobriety doesn't have to
suck, is what I like to say. AndI think you, I feel from you
(20:20):
that you are one of those peoplewho believes that fully, that
this is a preferred life and itand that are for at least for
you. And so I see in your work,a lot of creativity and personal
style, still having fun, stillbeing social, all of the things
that sometimes people on theother side are afraid of might
exist on on our side of things.
So let's talk about that work.
(20:44):
I, you know, I actually hadElise Bryson on the show, gosh,
like long time ago when I firststarted the podcast. So for
those who don't know, she isover sober curator, and I saw
that you've done a lot ofarticles for them. So I just
want to hear about findingyourself and your creativity in
your sobriety journey. Yeah,
Unknown (21:04):
that's been, gosh,
that's probably one of my
favorite things to talk about. Iyou know this room that I'm
sitting in, we're on camera, andI know this is audio only, but
the little chair behind me islike, sort of my reading nook,
and it's also what I call my cooffice, so it's full of clothes
and accessories and shoes. Andyou know, I would sit in here
(21:26):
and do my morning pages, and,you know, in the morning before
work, and look at what anddecide what I was going to wear.
And I met Elise through socialmedia, and she was just putting
together the sober curator, andshe said, I still need someone
to write a fashion column. And Ithought, I'm not a fashion
designer. I'm and I'm certainI'm not a stylist, I but I know
(21:47):
what it's like to have reverencefor fashion and to really like
the art of dressing myself basedon my own mood. And I thought,
you know, there's such a strongcorrelation between the changes
that we go through on the insidein our sober journey, on our
recovery journey, and thechanges we go through on the
outside. Like, I don't know manypeople who look exactly the
(22:10):
same, you know, from when theywere in an active addiction
until now. I mean, not only dowe have the glow up, but you
know, often times our sense ofstyle changes a little too, or
we can look over our wardrobeand go, Oh my god, I can't
really wore that, you know, likeI had a bunch of nightclub
attire that was wildlyinappropriate and just I didn't
(22:32):
know myself. I didn't know mypersonal sense of style. So I
started writing a fashion columnfor the sober curator called
walk your talk, and I stillcontribute to that as well, but
it just it like sort of took ona life of its own, because I got
involved with the break freeorganization in New York, who
puts on a fashion show everyyear during New York Fashion
(22:54):
Week dedicated to mental healthand sobriety, and I interviewed
a bunch of models and designersfor the column. Then I ended up
walking in New York FashionWeek. Then I ended up doing some
local modeling in the Seattle,Portland area. I mean, it just
all because I got sober, youknow, this world cracked wide
(23:16):
open, and I became more creativeand more self aware and more
interested. You know, I'm notsure if you're familiar with
Julia Cameron's the artist way,but she recommends, like an
artist date, and for me, that isgoing through my clothes and
putting together outfits and,you know, styling and just
(23:37):
figuring out little ways I canaccessorize. And it just became
something that was super helpfulon my recovery journey. And I
wanted to tell everyone aboutit. I still tell everyone about
it. You know, when I coach, Istill talk about how important
fashion is to me for myrecovery. It sounds crazy, but
it's, you know, what we wearsays so much about who we
DeAnn Knighton (24:00):
are? Yeah,
absolutely, it's such a form of
self expression. Yes, I I'm abonus parent to an 11 and a nine
year old. And I was out at Ulta.
We went to Ulta because she was,she's nine, she wanted to go.
And the girl behind the registerhad some serious eyelashes. I
mean, the kind, you know, like,so much that the nine year old
(24:21):
was, like, kind of like, takenaback and like, what is
happening with those, you know,she has really, you know, crazy
eyelashes. They're very stylishones, you know, I was, and so I
actually kind of had thisconversation with her and about
how it's, you know, just likesome people express themselves
with, like, art or music, thisis, like, personal style is a
way people express themselves,too. There's something like all
(24:43):
encompassing about it. It's notjust about the eyelashes, you
know, I wanted her to have, likethat context, because I think
it's really important,
Unknown (24:52):
yeah. And, you know, I
got really involved in the local
fashion community here in theSeattle and Portland area where
I'm at and. Uh, going to fashionshows and meeting other models
and designers and that group ofpeople, expressing their own
creativity, showing up as theyare in all manner of different
(25:13):
ways. It's the most therapeuticenvironment, because it's like,
Come as you are. It doesn'tmatter what your wild card is
like, you know, we want to seeit all. And everyone is so
welcoming of various styles anddesigns, and you can literally
show up in anything, and peoplewill commend you for expressing
yourself. And I just found, Ifind that type of environment to
(25:35):
be so helpful,
DeAnn Knighton (25:37):
yeah,
absolutely. And healing too. It,
yeah, like, it gives everybodypermission, for sure,
absolutely. So, yeah, let'sactually, I want to kind of move
over then to this idea. Isometimes lately, I don't know
if you feel this, and I'm sorryif I'm going to sound negative,
but sometimes I hear the wordself care, or I talk about self
care, and my body kind of likecoils and goes because it's just
(25:59):
so overwrought. But I still wantto talk about it. So because you
are a person who is not, becauseI don't think it's important,
let me explain just because itgets convoluted. So as you are
someone now working with peopleneeding to show up for other
people, be in that space forthem, still having your own
(26:20):
things that you need to takecare of for yourself or do for
yourself. How do you balancethat? And you know, what does
that routine look like for you?
Unknown (26:30):
Yeah, for me, self care
is fun, good, and a lot of that
is laughing my ass off with myfriends. Most, almost all my
friends are in recovery,spending time with my friends,
my husband. You know, we spend alot of time with the fashion
community here. So fun. I usemovement, purposeful movement,
(26:51):
like, go for a walk. You know,I'm not a big exerciser, but I
like to move my body, and thatis very helpful for me, and I
always recommend it to clientslike, I don't care if you don't
go to the gym or if you're notan exerciser, and exercise is an
icky word to me, but move, moveyour body somehow, right? And I
(27:12):
spend a pretty fair amount oftime meditating and and reading.
I know it sounds cliche, butI've discovered meditation over
the last few years, and I'm kindof on my own little spiritual
journey, and it's been a gamechanger for me. You know, I
wasn't one of those people whogot sober and became the
(27:32):
Bodhisattva, you know, I did notlike have. I was a snarky I
mean, I was sober and that wasabout it. It took me some time,
you know, just I'm coming up onseven years of sobriety, and I'm
just now in that, I would say,deep in my own spiritual
journey. So, yeah, spending alot of time meditating, that
quieting of the mind, that'sreally helpful. I do, you know,
(27:56):
Joppa meditation. I'm intoKundalini right now, and mantras
and and I read a lot. Reading isalso my quiet time, you know,
even though most of the timeit's personal development books
that you know, but it's I loveto read awesome. What
DeAnn Knighton (28:17):
about from your
perspective, Kate, is there
anything else that you want tospeak on I know you have a
podcast coming up and somedifferent activities going on
right now, so maybe, you know,talk us through what's on your
plate right now.
Unknown (28:29):
I have a podcast
launching January 7, and it's
interesting that it ties allinto what we're talking about.
The podcast is called, you'vebeen selected, and that it was
the name of a blog I also wrotefor the silver curator, because
I write two because I was like,I will. I really want a personal
development sobriety blog, and Iwant a fashion blog, you know.
(28:52):
And Elise likes to say, Godloves and so you can do both. So
I started this blog, and thepodcast has been, had been
recording episodes, and the thetitle you've been selected is
based on a sort of a awakening Ihad during the nurse monitoring
program, because every day, Ihad to check into an app to see
(29:17):
if it was my turn to provide arandom UA to prove I was sober,
and twice a month, I wasselected, and in bright red
letters on my phone, it wouldsay, You've been selected. And
I'd be like, Oh God, gotta dropeverything. And my heart would
raise. And I knew I was sober, Ijust, you know, you have to
comply and get it all in anddone. Nerve wracking it is, and
(29:39):
you have to pay for them, andthey can't be diluted. So
there's all these things. And Ihad to tell my boss, like, Hey,
I have to leave. I have to gosit at the lab. And it was
always these conversations of, Igot selected today, okay, you
know, part the waters for Kateto go sit in the lab. And one
day, I was sitting in theparking lot of the lab, and I
was like, you know, what if.
This is a sign that I've beenselected for a whole lot more in
(30:01):
my life, that I've been selectedfor a purposeful life to help
others, to share my story and totalk about going from rock
bottom, I mean rock bottomthrough the monitoring program,
all the things to the personthat I am today. And I thought,
(30:22):
you know, I'm going to flip thisaround in my head. I've been
selected for a greater purpose,and I will get through this
monitoring program, and on theother side of it, I'm going to
be the person that I may beneeded in early sobriety. I
DeAnn Knighton (30:39):
love it. Well,
great. I can't wait to listen. I
will check it out, and I'll havelinks to all of your stuff in
the show notes for people whowant to jump over there and
listen. But you've beenselected, right? That's the name
you've
Unknown (30:52):
been selected. Yeah?