Silver Screen Cesspool
Welcome to the Silver Screen Cesspool, where we review the poo! With your host, the surveyor of sh*tty cinema, the mocker of moronic movies, the "Terror of Tiny Town," the last known survivor of "Battlefield Earth," the one of many, Allen Smithee!
Episodes
Ep34 - A Unicorn For Christmas (2021)
"Discover the magic of Christmas"
"Mom is getting frustrated at the lack of kombucha sales but Dad reassures her if they can get a petting zoo off the ground and they can get a kombucha stand off the ground. But I'm not exactly sure how they think they got a petting zoo off the ground because it's been exactly 3 days and also I'm not sure how thos...
Ep 33 - "ThanksKilling" 2008
"Gobble, Gobble, Mother F*cker"
" . . . So the jock decides to meet up with the gang at the Rednecks house minus the hoe to commiserate and have a beer cuz that makes more sense than calling the police or trying to stop the turkey or quit acting. The hoe however is at her house with random dude and … I’ll spare you the details, but it’s the turkey rape sce...
Ep 32 - The Curse of Halloween Jack - 2018
"He's back for those who killed him"
" . . . One year later, the Sheriff of Nottingham’s daughter is making his bangers and mash or spotted dick or whatever English people eat for breakfast … Oh wait, it's probably an English breakfast. When he gets a call that the victim's brother off'd himself at the site they buried Cain because he c...
Ep 31 - Spirit Halloween (The Movie) - 2022
"Possessing theaters this fall."
". . . The boys hide inside the props of the store and wait to be locked inside at closing time. The seasonal Spirit Halloween store is well organized and fully stocked, with never-opened costume packaging … on Halloween night, instead of looking like a store that has been looted multiple times. No licensed costumes or cost...
Ep 30 - Retrograde (2004)
"In the past... Lies our future"
"Dolphy is being sent two hundred years in the past to prevent space bacteria from being unfrozen in Antarctica. Hey, wait a minute that’s this year. I’m sure that’s just a co-winky dink. It’s fine. It’ll be fine. With him is about a half dozen other people who are genetically superior, don’t worry one of them is a black woman, to make sure ...
Ep 29 - Cross (2011)
"To stop an ancient evil, it's going to take big guns, hard sticks, and exploding balls."
" ... So as any good police officer would do he yells at her and waves in her face until she wakes up, which works, even though we’ve already established she slept through a needle being put in her arm. She is understandably confused and asks “Where am I?” To which our detective replie...
Episode 28 - The Crawling Hand (1963)
Astronaut Ordered Blown Up!!!
"They frolic on the beach, and when he talks about marriage, she tries to run away, so he flings her around before tackling her, It’s supposed to be romantic I think. But she falls face down looking at a dismembered and not yet crawling hand and forearm, or at least it appears to be one inside an astronaut flight suit glove and sleeve. She’s ...
Ep27 - Future Kick (1991)
"A personal quest for vengeance, a high tech race for survival"
... The head henchman goes rogue and kills his boss the corrupt police chief, and we’re into the final action sequence where our cyborg and the grieving widow take turns chasing and running from the head henchman and the second in command. Like all action sequences in this movie, calling this an action sequence is l...
Butt Boy (2019)
"Sometimes the only way out... is in..."
" ... Our real hero however now finds himself inside Chip’s butt, a set that looks a lot like a random cave from an alien planet on Star Trek the next generation, but a lot more … fecal. Which is exactly how I always pictured the inside of my butthole. He quickly finds the missing child, the dog, and everything else Chip has put in his pooper....
Day of the Warrior (1996)
"The L.E.T.H.A.L. Ladies Are Back!"
"... There’s a great deal of this movie is spent moving from place to place. Whether it be by car, boat, plane, rollerblading, or even by foot no distance is too far to travel to exchange two lines of dialogue and then move on to the next location. At one point someone drives a jeep in a circle just to deliver a single line. It’s lik...
Getting Lucky (1989)
"Middlevale High has Cheerleaders, Jocks, Nerds ... and a Leprechaun!"
"Turns out Lucky is pretty shitty at his wish-granting. Bill wishes for a date with Chrissy, which he gets and takes her to the drive-in. But Chrissy decides to bone the other dude in the back seat on her way to the bathroom and Bill then again interrupts them. Then Bill wishes for a Lamborgini and he gets a...
Win A Date With Tad Hamilton (2004)
"In every love story, there's only room for one leading man."
" ... So hot chick decides to enter said content and raise the $100 entry fee, with the help of her wacky friend. In a matter of 15 seconds, without even the aid of a video montage, she's achieved her goal. This mildly annoys Eric, but he doesn't say why ... oh the suspense. What could he...
Horror At Party Beach (1964)
"WEIRD! Ghoulish atomic beasts who live off human blood!"
"... Do you ever find it annoying in musicals when dance numbers break out and everyone suddenly knows all the moves? Well, that’s not a problem in this movie, because the party beachgoers only kind of know the movies, and are in no way in sync with each other. I’m pretty sure one guy skipped rehearsals together. ...
Who Can Sleep With Brows On The Prowl?
"... Tonight’s Film Fart is “Trail of the Screaming Forehead” from 2007. Filmed in craniovision. And unlike some other cinematic cesspools I’ve reviewed here, this movie has faces you might recognize, like that guy who played the evil TV station owner in the Weird Al movie “UHF,” and that guy who played a cab driver on “Spencer...
Robot Monster (1953)
"Moon Monsters Launch Attack Against Earth!"
" ... A young boy and a girl are playing outside at what appears to be the Mayberry Rock quarry. The boy shoots his toy laser pistol at the girl and her doll. They run around and stumble onto two scientists who are removing random rocks from the wall of the mouth of a cave so they can send them to a museum. Because that’s how g...
Doll Shark (2022)
"Warning: Dying Hazard"
There are two well-known tropes in the world of Horror Movies. The killer shark and the haunted doll. But what if, and hear me out now, we combine these two into one movie? I present the sh*tty cinema known as “Doll Shark” from 2022.
The movie opens with a dude-bro with a sharp stick, standing on a poorly rendered CGI wooden dock in the rain, hunting stock footage of a sh...
Nude on the Moon (1961)
"Man discovers a nature camp on the moon!"
Odds are you’ve never of the 1961 movie “Nude on the Moon,” but if its name sounds familiar that’s because in 2002 the name was borrowed by the B-52’s for their double-disc CD anthology.
Where this movie starts to go off the rails is when the scientists are ready to do their cosmic thing. You see they don’t want to attract a crowd so they...
Carne: The Taco Maker (2013)
The 2013 film “Carne: The Taco Maker” is the story of Don Taco and the delicious tacos he makes. Don Taco sells his delicious tacos via street cart on the streets of Beverly Hills, California. It's a bit of a local institution, and while everyone loves his delicious tacos, it’s said that the taste varies from person to person. That joke will pay off later, I promise.
Except for t...
Beaster Day: Here Comes Peter Cottonhell! (2014)
You haven't a hop in hell!
There is no explanation for this bald-faced, snaggled-toothed giant rabbit; it just shows up on the doorstep like an Amazon Prime subscribe and save purchase.
Our protagonist is a bitter second-place runner-up for dog catcher of the year. This is the saddest excuse for a rivalry in a movie, action, or comedy category.
Cowboys vs. Dinosaurs (2015)
"Let the Best Species Win"
The movie is set in present-day Montana, so unfortunately, the titular Cowboys are the modern-day rodeo type and not the Wild West type. This is disappointing, but not as disappointing as if it were the starting lineup of this year's Dallas Cowboys. The movie opens with a mining company blowing up something in the mine and releasing velocirapto...
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