May 17, 2024 • 41 mins
CW: explicit language is used in this episode
We use filters (and masks) to survive in the world, but what happens when they hurt us? It's hard enough to be human, so where can we find more ease and less hiding our full selves? Let's discuss!
Sleepy Sisters podcast is hosted by Elizabeth Brink and Sarah Durham. This show is unedited and often unprepared for, so we hope you enjoy our resistance to perfection!
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Unknown (00:00):
Just like what?
(00:02):
Hello, welcome back to thesleepy sisters. I'm Elizabeth
brink, Sarah Durham. And we aresisters, and we're tired. And
we're talking about filterstoday and not the like, well, I
don't know, maybe we will end uptalking about who knows photo
filters, butthinking more of like, you know,
your internal internal filteringout your mouth.
(00:30):
Yeah, I mean, I think any typeof self expression,
let's say, like, what's thedifference between filtering and
masking? Are they the same?
I feel likemasking to me implies more like
when I think about it personallymore about my neuro divergence,
and kind of how I show up in allways, I guess, like my face, my
(01:04):
express through my body, youknow,
in addition to like, my words,and, and all those things, but I
think if filtering, for me, Ithink more of just
that human experience of youdon't get to say all the things
to everybody all the time.
(01:24):
I hate that. hate that. I thinkthat's mostly what I want to
have. I was like, I just, I'mtired to have them.
Tired of having a filter. Idon't know if I said this
before. But I did one time, sayto Cory, like, I just wish that
I could sit and talk aboutwhatever I want for as long as I
want until I have nothing leftto say about it. And then even I
(01:45):
can come back and say more if Iwant to. And I want somebody to
like sit and listen. And justthe look on his face was like,
who knows? He thought I was likeasking him to do this. He looked
a little panicked. But he waslike, Who would do
that for me. And I was like,wow, I guess my sisters kind of
do that. Like, I could, intheory, get on Marcopolo and
(02:08):
send y'all you know, an epicvideo talking
forever and about something andhope that you will watch it in
like two times speed. But I it'slike, then when I think of that,
I'm like, No, but I wouldactually want engagement, I
would want a response. I don'tjust want to talk at a wall. I
(02:32):
do want to like interact. But Ijust want to be able to have all
these words that I have have alot of words. Yeah, I hear you.
Okay, so before we get into,like, full on, I just want to
say a couple things.
I don't think we're necessarilygoing to like decipher between
the filtering masking thingtoday. So we're just gonna like,
(02:53):
is that fair? We can just chalkit up to whatever we can name it
different things at different. Imean, yeah, your own nuanced
definitions of all things. Yes.
And I want to circle back to theVanderpump comment that I made
early in the season, becauseI set it on public record. I
(03:13):
don't even remember what yousaid. But I remember so I had
watched theI was watching the whole series
because I got Vanderpump Rulesas of the show on E. E Network
Bravo on the Bravo network. It'sjust trash. It's reality TV.
Right. And I had made a commentat the time, because I had been
(03:38):
curious about this whole, like,scandal thing. And so I ended up
going back and watching all theseasons. And because I didn't
really do a deep dive into whatthe scandal thing was, I decided
I was gonna go back, watch theseasons, and then work my way up
to like, and then have contextright. And I made a comment then
and I have I feel like this isimportant to me because I made a
(04:02):
comment about Tom Sandoval. AndI was like, I don't understand
what everyone's upset because heseems so likable. Okay, and I
said, but I don't know I need tocircle back to this later after
I finish watching Well, I havefinished watching I'm completely
up to date. And that means noway in any dimension to me
likable.
(04:27):
He's a full human for humanity.
On text all that I justYeah, so I just wanted to hang
my hat on Team Ariana. Okay.
So I need to say I'm not goingto get into it because it's not
that important. I just had tomake that full circle. Well,
there's a new season andapparently she's not that
likable in the new season by soif you're gonna bring that up,
(04:49):
let me just say sorry, I haven'twatched and we're gonna lose
people. We can't talk about thisshow. Let me just say
I have watched all of the seasonAnd great now I'm gonna have to
come back and say he's onlyunlikable because of boundary
she has actually has boundariesthat doesn't really fit in with
reality television. So Oh, yeah,attention. So all that to say
(05:11):
full circle ended period at theend of the sentence, we're done.
And moving on to. Okay. SoI also want to say to that,
because we're talking aboutfilters, I just want to say to
the audience that maybe thisisn't the one that you listed
with your kids in the room,because I may want to cuss
(05:32):
today, and we typically try tonot cuss. We had a conversation
on that early on just, eventhough we don't really plan for
these, we wanted it to besomething that was, I guess,
accessible anytime for people tolisten to. And,
you know, I may not, I may wantto, like drop an F bomb today or
(05:54):
something.
So speaking of filters, we'vebeen filtering out the cussing,
and it's been fine.
There are moments when it'slike, there's a word I need.
It's not here, because it'sguesswork. But honestly, I might
have dropped a shit here andthere early on and didn't even
(06:16):
remember. So if you're like, oh,yeah, no, Sarah is already cast.
Well.
We just didn't. Thank you forlistening so closely.
But I was thinking about, now Iwant to talk about Vanderpump
Rules for this whole episode.
But thinking about reality TV ingeneral. And like
(06:36):
this idea of like, how we foundthis space, where we can kind of
glorify the lack of filters, andkind of Marvel in it. And I will
say, like, from a young age, Ihave really loved reality TV, I
think in part because of that,like, watching human beings,
(06:57):
I guess be themselves, which Ithink was more true early in the
years of reality TV than it isnow. But be themselves and
try to navigate the filters, tryto figure out what they want to
filter and not filter. And Ijust find I mean, I you know,
(07:19):
it's like one of my specialinterests is people. So of
course, I would love reality TVwhere I'm getting to just like,
I'm in a lab coat watchingthinking about all the ways
these people are managing theperceptions of them their own
perceptions of themselves. And alot of it does come down to the
filters and like who they don'tuse the filters around, and what
(07:41):
kinds of filters they use atdifferent points. And it's very
relatable, I think, for me,like, I have different filters I
use in different environments.
And similarly to the masks thatI have. I like the distinction
of like, masks being about like,I'm trying to mask,
(08:02):
I'm trying to keep people fromseeing some part of me
at all, and filters feels morelike I'm trying to, I don't
know, they both probably thisYeah, we're not going to do this
sorry. So we're not going to dothis mask,
filters piece like feels likeI am really trying to manage the
(08:23):
perception other people have ofme or the opinion that they have
of me, or the access they'rewilling to give me based on the
filters I use or don't use. AndI think with filters, too. I
mean, there's also theunderstanding that we're in a
reciprocal connection. And I dotry to when I'm filtering,
(08:45):
especially when it comes tocustom, because, listen, I have
no problem with cussing, and Idon't find it morally
objectionable or that so I mean,I don't necessarily drop him in
front of my kids on purpose.
Maybe when I stub a toe,but I know that society everyone
(09:06):
has different feelings aboutthat and all of that. And I know
that I don't necessary want mykids going to school and feeling
other than some other waybecause they're dropping F bombs
at school. Even though I won'tbe the only person they're
getting language from I am avery impressionable person. And
so I do try to be more creative,I guess with with how I express
(09:31):
myself in those ways, but weknow that sometimes a well timed
cuss word just really hits apoint. Like when you stub your
toe or when someone you know,like meet some type of tension
in that moment. It's like itonly feels good to say
(09:53):
only it feels good to say.
So all that to say IDo you think that sometimes the
filtering too, I think aboutthat, and when I was thinking
about talking about filters atall, my biggest tension is I,
one of my values is beingwholehearted, and being
completely authentic. And whenit comes to
(10:19):
my social media presence, andlike, how I share my art and the
things I share in my art,or in my reels, I really have
been struggling with that partof myself of I'm not necessarily
a polished person. And so Idon't want to spend an
(10:39):
exorbitant of time like puttingsomething out there, that's
going to be super polished.
Because it starts starting tolose that grit that realness to
it, you know, but I'm also like,I don't have submission as a
children's book author. And soit's like, people are gonna find
me, like, Who is this personand, and I, but at the same
(11:02):
time, I am a full human with alldifferent types of things. And I
actually posted a poem The otherday with the word fuckery in it,
and I just felt reallyrebellious and wonderful. And
just like, this is just oneanother part of who I am. And it
just felt like the right word.
And I feel like there's alwaysthat tension with how much of me
(11:28):
and how I want to self expressin this moment, I read this
specific topic.
You know,is okay, you know, without some
type of like, consequence, anddo I care about a consequence,
and I mean, it's really like a,a lifelong learning to kind of
(11:56):
pose yourself as a certain wayor a certain person, so that you
can either fly under the radaror get attention or whatever,
like, for some kind of reasonthat's protective.
And this idea of filtering, Ithink, is protective. And I
think it's necessary, just likeI think that way of masking and
(12:17):
but this idea of casting, what'sinteresting is that I in recent
years have met multiple peoplewho pass around their kids, they
don't filter, they let theirkids cuss. We grew up in Texas,
this is just like notcommonplace in people's homes.
They're, for all all kinds ofreasons people can just fill in
(12:38):
the blank.
And so it's interesting becauseI, it really challenged me the
first time that I met someonewho their kids cast and they
didn't have any feelings aboutit. They it didn't, it wasn't a
thing in their household. Yeah.
And I also think back to like,knowing that mom's favorite
(13:02):
password was shit. And I it'slike, she made some negotiation
with herself that like that wasthe one she was just going to
not filter out. Like, I'm justthis is one I'm going to use. I
don't remember her using itaround daycare kids. I will say
that.
But I remember at least as ayounger person. I remember her
using that word every now. Andthey always like, excited me.
(13:25):
Yes. Well, Jake, my eldest like,he thinks it's just absolutely
ridiculous thatI monitor that in any way in
front of the littles. He's justlike, who cares? Who cares? This
is a made up thing about thesewords. And I'm like, I get it.
You're also not a parent, I getit.
(13:50):
And I actually don't, I wouldn'tnecessarily, I think it's funny
if I hear kids cuss or whatever.
I think for me, it's like Ithink about all of the
challenges and I think about hownot progressive like the systems
that they're in are, yeah, well,I want to add that to their
plate where they're alreadystruggling and saying, you know,
hey, like, it's your own way ofdoing way like we are raising
(14:15):
kids in these parts of thecountry where like, this isn't
like socially acceptable,especially coming out of
children is making me laughbecause my kids right now have
this thing that they're saying.
It's okay, I'm gonna get itwrong because we've been
practicing because they correctus every time but it's dang it.
Darn get hard target market.
(14:39):
So it's somethingappropriate for that because
they use it the right way.
They'll go dang it. Don't gethung up. Margot.
Coin, I started doing it.
Divergent I don't write ever.
It's so hilarious. Cory and Ihave been saying it. We often
get the order wrong.
(15:00):
So then one of the kids will belike, dang it. Torngat Arn get
Margot.
Yeah, it's brilliant. But what Iwas gonna say about that is that
they say it really fast. And wewere at a playground a couple of
weeks ago. And one of them wassaying it and I felt in myself a
(15:20):
little bit of constriction andlike, just that like activation
of like, oh, no, I should tellthem to stop doing that, right?
Like, there's all these parentsaround. And also, we're getting
to the point at six and seven,where my kids are the big kids
up on the playground a lot ofthe time now, which feels so
weird.
And so, yeah, I was feeling likevery, a way about it. Like, I
(15:43):
need to make them stop sayingthat, but then I'm like, they're
in the middle of playing? And amI really going to have a
conversation with them right nowabout how that's maybe kind of
inappropriate? Or maybe somepeople don't want their kids
saying, dang it, which, youknow, was like the clean version
of dammit. No, I don't know. Itjust like did something in me,
because it's like the closest tocussing. We've let them come.
(16:06):
And it is really funny to us.
And it's also like,I don't know, it's just like,
not that big of a deal. But thenin this other setting, I was
like, Oh, I wonder if like theywould get corrected at school.
And I have kids who areincredibly sensitive to negative
feedback if they have broken arule, like really sensitive. And
(16:27):
so I absolutely don't want themto be in a position if I can
help it, which I can't always tobe like corrected on this thing
and have them devastated duringtheir school day because they're
saying this thing that theirparents think is funny. Yeah.
Also, though, too. Let me saysomething about that, too,
because that's a really goodpoint.
(16:50):
The other flip side of that is Ihad my eldest you know, Jake, he
very much the same. But as hewas experimenting, do you
remember that thing thathappened in my living room where
he came to me when he was inlike, is he gonna want you to
(17:10):
tell this story? Oh, I don'tthink he'd care. Cuz he's like
in fourth grade. Okay. And so Iwere, we try to be good, but
this is I feel like this is apretty good
I don't think so. He came to meone night, and he was very, very
distraught and was pacing backand forth in front of me could
not spit out this thing that wasand he was crying. And he was I
(17:36):
mean, he was untethered,stressed, I could not
get him to tell me what wasgoing on. I thought something
terrible had happened to him.
Andafter several long minutes of me
feeling like I was going tovomit because I didn't know what
he was going to tell me. Hetells me he was
(18:00):
experimenting with cussing onthe playground with one of his
friends.
This kid was didn't even getcaught. He just, he was
confessing. And he wasexperimenting with these silly
words. And thought he doesn'tmean so morally era. Era. Era
era.
(18:21):
reprehensiblethat err on the front sounded
right. Um, or maybeirresponsible is what I'm saying
but reprehensible that, like hethought he was like, basically
confessing murder to me. So it'slike, there's also this part of
me too. That's like, with thelittles. I'm trying to toe this
line that they do ask me aboutsome of the stuff. And I will
(18:43):
say, I mean, they're just words,but then we have to think about
like, who we're saying them toand whatever, because I go back
to another theme that's beencoming up with Elizabeth and I,
and that is you and I talkingabout healthy aggression. And
what an easy way to pop off somehealthy aggression than just
(19:04):
right, like just like this.
Yeah. And like your, you know,your vocal cords are really
close to your vagus nerve. Sothings coming out of your mouth
sometimes is soothing. Yoursystem is sometimes part of your
nervous system having aresponse. I want to do a whole
episode on healthy aggression.
Okay. I wanted to like yeah, Itotally want us to get into that
(19:26):
because I Yeah, also too, withlike, the cutting tool. I'm
definitely not talking aboutname calling. It isn't I'm just
talking about the like, youknow, yeah. AD and like,
something happens. And this isout to like, the third. It's not
towards a person, necessarily,and that kind of thing. So yeah,
(19:49):
I don't know. So thinking ofthese kinds of words that get
filtered out of homes. When wewere growing up, we were not
allowed to say Shut up. Youremember that you weren't
either.
And it was actually the S word.
So when you're someone's like,oh, they said the S word and
you're thinking, oh shit, evensuck. We couldn't say suck.
Yeah. Yeah. So we couldn't sayshut up. So I don't want my kids
(20:11):
say that. I just find it to beso utterly mean and rude and
like, I just don't like it. I donot want to be told to shut up.
I don't want to be shushed. Likeall I just like find that very
irritating and triggering. And Ialso think it a lot because I do
want people around me to stoptalking or stop, whatever. And.
(20:37):
And so in the last like week orso
one of my kids, I'm going to tryto keep this from like, who it
is, but it'll be probably prettyobvious. One of my kids has been
having,oh, what are they calling it,
they're calling it like aan angry party, I think is what
(20:58):
it's being called. And thischild will bury their whole
selves headfirst into all of thesofa, cushions and blankets. We
have a bunch of like, throwblankets into the corner of our
couch with this big sectional.
And then we'll scream on the topof their lungs. I hate you shut
(21:20):
up.
You're stupid, ugly. And it'skind of a combination of those
things. I guess you're a stupidugly is a pretty big Zinger. I
don't know.
But Shut up. And I hate you. NowI do let the kids say I hate you
to me. And as part of like, Dr.
Becky on line. Good enough.
(21:44):
What is her thing? Good enough?
Good. Good. We're having a hardtime or something. Yeah, I don't
agree with everything that shesays it does. But this one
particular thing she was sayinglike kids saying that they hate
you is like a part of how theyare accessing that healthy
aggression. And so I've reallytried to like not
monitor and like, correct themfor saying that, and have just
(22:07):
chosen to not take it personallyeven though whew, it's hard
sometimes. But yeah, so these,like, these angry parties will
talk about this more on thehealthy aggression episode too.
But what's interesting to me isthe words that are being used,
because I'm like, these are thewords that this little person
has like, catalogued as the onesto filter out, right? And
they're going into this angryparty to release the filters and
(22:31):
let it all hang out. And likestupid, ugly, I hate you and
shut up or the like, you know,this is a young child.
Yeah, they are still technicallydoing it in front of us. But
I just think it's interesting,because I feel conflicted around
like, I don't want tonecessarily sit here while you
(22:52):
unleash all this stuff in frontof me. It's loud and all that.
AndI don't I'm kind of glad they're
not like running up to theirroom where I can't hear it at
all, because I'm like, you'restill actually here. And they
come out from the pillows andsay, Oh, much better.
I'm having an angry party later.
(23:14):
Yeah. So it's just this likewhole thing around like, I think
cussing, at least from myexperience growing up. Is there
is this like, heavy correlationto aggression? Around crossing
out laughing and joking aroundto be but it's always kind of
(23:35):
has that connotation of hedge.
Right? Spicy aggressive, right?
Yeah. Yeah, like ill mannered.
And what's what's funny aboutit, though, is that you and I
don't know, I could definitelysay myself, I don't want to
speak for you. But Idefinitely don't filter myself
in many ways that are not thatare probably not socially
(23:58):
acceptable. Like, I will belike, Oh, this is ridiculous.
I'm not doing this anymore. Andyeah, you know, I gotta go to
bed. This is for the birds.
You know, so it's not like I'mlooking to be
I don't need everyone to likeme. I know. Not everyone's gonna
I you know, I really try to bemy most authentic self. And I
(24:20):
also have a visceral reaction tolike in authenticity. And so
when I'm in a room of like,someone checking off things, and
it's just like, whoa, killing mesmall then I'm, I am more likely
to like give an eye roll or justbe refinished.
So it's not like my filter islike a gold star. It's like all
(24:46):
those memes that are just likethis could have been an email or
I will say that text me insteadnext time. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I
I have theIt's like a very complicated
relationship with this stuff.
Because I feel like I appreciatefilters, other people,
(25:07):
sometimes. And then other timeswhen people are so heavily
filtered, yeah, I feel likethey're not human, like, I don't
even know anything about them orwhat they stand for don't it's
like, really hard to get to knowpeople who are really heavily
filtered. But then people whohave no filters, that just does
(25:28):
sometimes make me feel unsafe.
Yeah, they just start talkingabout.
I had someone in the last coupleof months that was talking to me
about how they have a coworkerwho just starts talking about
all their trauma, like and likegraphic stuff. Yeah. You know,
at lunch, it's like, Excuse me.
I mean, there's boundaries. Imean, boundaries are parts of
(25:51):
filters as well. And I thinkthat when you're thinking, when
I'm thinking about my filter,I'm thinking about, where do I
need boundaries? Whatboundaries, you know, do I want
to like offer in my own way ofshowing up, I feel like as
respectful unknowns that are inthe room and stuff like that.
(26:14):
And I think with middle age,too,
coming off the menopause, it wasso too, is that you just have
less of them as you get older,because? Well, I do anyway,
because of her perspective. Andyeah, and you get more
(26:35):
comfortable with who you are.
And I think you're, you know,most people as they get older,
they have a smaller circle ofpeople around them. Just
logistically, it's hard to keepup with a lot of relationships.
It's not true for everyone. ButI would be willing to guess for
some people. It's also like, oh,I have a much smaller circle and
the people who are in it, I amnot that filtered around. And so
(26:58):
I forget that this is a filterthat should be used in this
environment, especially as youactually have memory issues.
Like you're in a space andyou're like, Oh, I mean, I can
remember being like, I don'tremember specifics, but I can
remember with both grandmashaving moments where I'm like
grandma, Oh, yeah.
(27:20):
That's, we don't say that orwhat? And feeling like very
uncomfortable. Like, they're notchildren, but they're, what is
this? Like, unfiltered? I don'tcare. I'm just gonna say the
thing.
That's so true. You know what Imean? Like, you said, that was
farting. Because I feel likelegitimate filter is such a
(27:41):
filter topics, like who does notstruggle with like, and I get it
all along with cussing. It's,it's like it's gonna come up.
And it's like,you have to choose very wisely
and sometimes with my kids and Iwill say as you get older and go
through like, I mean, sometimesit's not super easy. Like we
used to laugh about mom likewalking across the room, like
(28:02):
sound like a tugboat like floorstrength, your pelvic floor back
to the menopause up. It's nojoke. And my kids will just be
like, what they're getting moreused to it, but, but to say is
that one of the best thegrandmas, they would do stuff
more, especially the greatgrandma's. And the and they were
(28:23):
much, much older. I rememberthinking it was so taboo. And
I'm like, now I'm like, I getit.
I can't be I can't be sittinghere with every single part of
me clenched and constricted,every possible thing coming out
of my body and still breathe.
Like that's just I'm going tokeel over. I'm gonna have to
(28:46):
loosen up some muscles here. Andthat means that like, natural
things might happen. And thattopic is it's just like,
hysterical to me because it isso taboo. And I would be willing
to bet if we like went andlooked up, like, at what point
did we feel like women didn't dogross things that are natural
(29:11):
things. You know, women don'tpoop. They don't. To they don't
all this stuff. I told Cory whenwe got married. I do not shoot.
Yeah, yet. Yeah, yeah. It's nottrue. But like, and he knew it
wasn't true. But it's just likethe party line. Right? This is
our filter here, honey. I do notshoot and that is your statement
(29:33):
about it. And that is mystatement about it. We do not
acknowledge this part of mebeing a human. Yeah, it's just
so ridiculous. And rattle.
Sometimes he'll be like, nice.
Mean, scorecards.
(29:53):
I just need to be free.
I don't need like the person onthe side.
Olympicpoint six. Just need freedom and
I need the earthquake.
I needed to not be aconversation. Just let it be the
onewhich is how I treated it with
mom and grandma. It was justlike they were walking by and
(30:15):
they too did it all.
I would almost look like abusier than I was before.
You're looking at something onthe calendar. I know. I am so
busy. I'm gonna clean it. I'mgonna make someone just make a
noise, nothing, nothing here,nothing here to see. Which is
like, what was I doing? A nobodytold me to do that. But there
(30:38):
was just this, like, I need toprotect their dignity at all
costs. And like also, why did Ithink them passing gas? A
natural bodily function was likeundignified?
Well, one of the things youknow, I agree as a middle school
teacher. Oh, why?
Oh, tell me before I get intomyself. I mean, it's like, you
(31:00):
know, when deodorant wasinvented, it was marketed to
women. Oh, yeah. It was allabout and same with like
Listerine and all these like,things around hygiene were all
marketed toward women, notsmelling in any possible way.
And I think that's it's part ofthe holdover from that our
ancestors were not holding intheir toots. Now, they didn't
(31:24):
have time for that they werelike,
farming and gathering her busy,hard labor, like no one had time
to clench.
Well, I won't be. So as a middleschool teacher, the one of the
worst, most humiliating thingsthat could happen to you is to
rip wind by accident in silenceor like, not very loud. And
(31:48):
you're sitting there, whatever.
And so, I mean, no way would Ido that, that was painful as a
teacher, because I would neverlive that down. But I got a fart
machine and start hiding itaround the room. And it was
really fun before they reallyfigure out what it was. But
I would just put it out. And Iwould just animate all kinds of
(32:09):
like different kinds of farts.
Butit was, I think it helped not
make those things such a bigdeal. It was also hilarious, but
it helps make some of thosethings not a big deal, because
someone would inevitably do it.
And you would watch like thefire the rap, go up them and
you're just like, they wanted todie inside. And it's just kind
(32:29):
of like, what they did theyafter I would do that as a
prank, right?
And then I would give one ofthem to do it as a prank when
like the sub would come orwhatever.
It just kind of what if it didhappen? It just was like an
added bonus. But it just didn'tsay though. Do you have the
machine again? Yeah, sure themachines going.
(32:53):
But it is that that whole ideathat like this basic human
natural function, along with allthe other things that go on in
our bodies, become shameful hasto be hidden away. I mean, do
you remember like getting yourperiod and like, you would have
to like you would go to thebathroom? But the stress of no
(33:13):
one like what am I going to putit in to carry so that as you
take your purse, right?
Everybody knows everybody knowstaking
juicy Sarah, she left she hadher purse. She has her period.
It was terrible or brilliant,like put something in your
pocket? I mean, God forbid, likeyou didn't know that day. And it
(33:35):
was just I know. Okay, so I'mlistening to that book. It's so
awkward about modern puberty,highly recommend anybody who has
a young child. And I just waslistening to the chapter about
periods earlier today, and theywere talking about how Gen Z
kids like have been a lot lessdiscreet about period products.
(33:59):
And that like they just are likeit's just a part of life. Like I
need these things. I have to usethese things sometimes. And so
they're like, just carryingstuff around in their hands. Can
you imagine carrying a pad tothe bathroom at school? Fair
hands watching Z they made me sohappy.
I'm like good job, y'all. Comeon. Yeah, yeah. Okay, so I don't
(34:24):
know where we go from here.
Except thatI do think that there is like a
helpful space of like reflectionaround how do you filter
yourself? Is it reallynecessary? Where are there
filters that are actually like,causing you discomfort or pain
or right like making your life alittle bit harder for you to
(34:47):
just like be who you are. Youknow, if you while we were
talking about holding in yourToots were like feeling the
memory in your abdomen of whatthat
feels like to swallow a tooth.
It is not the same as swallowinga yawn, y'all. It's just not.
(35:08):
Oh, yeah, that's another filter.
So, like, I will have like,clients. I remember having
students. I mean, sometimes youjust have to yawn, and I am not
I tell me what, I do not takethat, as you're bored. Yeah, you
might just be relaxed, you mightjust be whatever, and you might
just be tired. Well, I don canbe a sign of like a somatic
(35:28):
discharge to like, in therapy,you can have a big yawn or a
burp. Or you can start sweating.
There's all these somatic thingsthat can happen when you
actually like, do loosen upsomething somatically within
your body. So it can be a signof like, goodness, yes. And I
(35:48):
had someone swallow a yawn. Isaid, Oh, don't do that. You
don't have to swallow your yawn.
And she started giggling. And Isaid, Yeah, I mean, I don't take
that in any type of way. Andshe's like, oh, gosh, I mean,
yeah, you know, your front rowwith your like, Professor or
whatever you think. And I'mlike, Yeah, I just, I don't look
at that as a sign of anythingother than, like, you just had
to yawn. And we don't need toget into why, but just let your
(36:10):
body do it. The worst part aboutyawns is how strong the mirror
neurons are, because you're justtalking about them as making me
want to yawn.
It's like this whole thing,right? Where like, our bodies
just will sync up and we willyawn together or, yeah, that's a
really interesting filter tolike, just, I think talking
(36:32):
about this made me realize,just, they're just everywhere,
we have to think about themconstantly, and renegotiate and
act like ask ourselves questionsand decide how you want to show
up. And I guess when I first wasthinking about talking about
this, I was thinking, maybe wecould come up with like,
(36:52):
something that would make mefeel like it would be less work.
And the truth is, I just thinkit's just part of the human
experience being in systems andrelationship and all that.
Because I definitely don't wantto become one of those people
who just says whatever theywant, whenever they want, it
doesn't considerothers. But where can I be a
(37:14):
little more authentic andchallenge some of those old
stories about? Really, what doesthat say about me that I use the
word fuckery. And nothing and Iactually feel proud of it. And I
didn't take it down, and I'mgood with it.
But it still is live and free. Alittle bit up there. Right. And
(37:35):
I just, I wonder and I'm makinga note of this, because I think
there's another topic here forus. But I think the like
correlation not just to healthyaggression with filters, but
also to embarrassment.
Like being embarrassed. Oh,you're trying to avoid feeling
embarrassed. Yeah, that's thefilter, isn't it?
(38:01):
Yeah, it's like it's protective.
It's like I do not want toembarrass myself. I don't want
to feel shame I don't. It's likea lot of these things. We're
filtering are just ourhumaneness, which is gets
tricky, fast, you know. Andagain, and if you have some,
well, I think what's funny, too,about the filter, too, is let's
say you're in a room or in ameeting or something and someone
(38:21):
farts or someone Mexican belchesor something.
If you are unapologetic aboutit, and you're just like, yeah,
that's my body. Just wow, justkeep on going. People are
offended. You ever see andpeople will be more likely to be
like, I don't I'll do but if youare like, oh, excuse me, oh,
(38:43):
it's, it's just part of being ahuman. No worries, like, you
know what I mean? Like, I feellike there's also this other
like layer of how you,you know, show up in these human
ways to depends on how acceptedthey are. That's another
societal No, yeah, you know, orwhatever. And I think I just
want to show up in some of theseareas, and just it not even be a
(39:06):
conversation. Yeah, that's howthat person decided to express
that numbness of the fourth Pro.
That's exciting. You just had todo a thing. Definitely sat on a
plane with someone behind me orin front of me who was passing
gas was to the whole flight. Itwas very, very uncomfortable for
(39:28):
me as someone who has sensoryissues with everything smells
too. And I remember like gettingup to go to the bathroom to see
like, is there a baby aroundhere, that poopy diaper so that
I can just like relieve myselfof the irritation? Like why
aren't you holding that in? Andlike really feeling like, the
good and decent human thing todo is to hold it in and it's
(39:52):
like, of course I felt that way.
But also it feels a littleshocking and like disturbing to
be like, Oh my gosh, I justThis was like, Y'all are not
going to be human for the nexthowever long This flight is and
then if need to be human,there's a bathroom and you can
wait in line. Go through it inthere. Yeah, yeah. And the rules
change from environment do.
(40:15):
Yeah, yeah. Airplanes. Okay,this was fun. That was fun. I
had a good laugh. We're going totalk about healthy aggression.
Embarrassed. We're not promisingthe next episode. We don't know.
No, but these are topics thathave bubbled up. Hey, if any of
you who are listening, now thatwe know we do actually have a
handful of listeners, literallya handful. If y'all have a topic
(40:37):
idea, please send it to us. Yes,we would love that. Also, we are
going to at some point bebringing our siblings on one at
a time and interviewing them. Soyou're going to get the full
experience of the Snyder pod orfamily. Just yeah, we also are
not promising when that willhappen. But it'll be this
(40:59):
calendar year. We can say that.
We can say that we still have aton of things to talk about.
Yeah, never, never not havingthings to talk about. Back to
Full circle. We have a lot ofwords, huh? All right. Thanks
for hanging out was fun.
All right, love you. Bye bye.
Just like what?
(00:02):
Hello, welcome back to thesleepy sisters. I'm Elizabeth
brink, Sarah Durham. And we aresisters, and we're tired. And
we're talking about filterstoday and not the like, well, I
don't know, maybe we will end uptalking about who knows photo
filters, butthinking more of like, you know,
your internal internal filteringout your mouth.
(00:30):
Yeah, I mean, I think any typeof self expression,
let's say, like, what's thedifference between filtering and
masking? Are they the same?
I feel likemasking to me implies more like
when I think about it personallymore about my neuro divergence,
and kind of how I show up in allways, I guess, like my face, my
(01:04):
express through my body, youknow,
in addition to like, my words,and, and all those things, but I
think if filtering, for me, Ithink more of just
that human experience of youdon't get to say all the things
to everybody all the time.
(01:24):
I hate that. hate that. I thinkthat's mostly what I want to
have. I was like, I just, I'mtired to have them.
Tired of having a filter. Idon't know if I said this
before. But I did one time, sayto Cory, like, I just wish that
I could sit and talk aboutwhatever I want for as long as I
want until I have nothing leftto say about it. And then even I
(01:45):
can come back and say more if Iwant to. And I want somebody to
like sit and listen. And justthe look on his face was like,
who knows? He thought I was likeasking him to do this. He looked
a little panicked. But he waslike, Who would do
that for me. And I was like,wow, I guess my sisters kind of
do that. Like, I could, intheory, get on Marcopolo and
(02:08):
send y'all you know, an epicvideo talking
forever and about something andhope that you will watch it in
like two times speed. But I it'slike, then when I think of that,
I'm like, No, but I wouldactually want engagement, I
would want a response. I don'tjust want to talk at a wall. I
(02:32):
do want to like interact. But Ijust want to be able to have all
these words that I have have alot of words. Yeah, I hear you.
Okay, so before we get into,like, full on, I just want to
say a couple things.
I don't think we're necessarilygoing to like decipher between
the filtering masking thingtoday. So we're just gonna like,
(02:53):
is that fair? We can just chalkit up to whatever we can name it
different things at different. Imean, yeah, your own nuanced
definitions of all things. Yes.
And I want to circle back to theVanderpump comment that I made
early in the season, becauseI set it on public record. I
(03:13):
don't even remember what yousaid. But I remember so I had
watched theI was watching the whole series
because I got Vanderpump Rulesas of the show on E. E Network
Bravo on the Bravo network. It'sjust trash. It's reality TV.
Right. And I had made a commentat the time, because I had been
(03:38):
curious about this whole, like,scandal thing. And so I ended up
going back and watching all theseasons. And because I didn't
really do a deep dive into whatthe scandal thing was, I decided
I was gonna go back, watch theseasons, and then work my way up
to like, and then have contextright. And I made a comment then
and I have I feel like this isimportant to me because I made a
(04:02):
comment about Tom Sandoval. AndI was like, I don't understand
what everyone's upset because heseems so likable. Okay, and I
said, but I don't know I need tocircle back to this later after
I finish watching Well, I havefinished watching I'm completely
up to date. And that means noway in any dimension to me
likable.
(04:27):
He's a full human for humanity.
On text all that I justYeah, so I just wanted to hang
my hat on Team Ariana. Okay.
So I need to say I'm not goingto get into it because it's not
that important. I just had tomake that full circle. Well,
there's a new season andapparently she's not that
likable in the new season by soif you're gonna bring that up,
(04:49):
let me just say sorry, I haven'twatched and we're gonna lose
people. We can't talk about thisshow. Let me just say
I have watched all of the seasonAnd great now I'm gonna have to
come back and say he's onlyunlikable because of boundary
she has actually has boundariesthat doesn't really fit in with
reality television. So Oh, yeah,attention. So all that to say
(05:11):
full circle ended period at theend of the sentence, we're done.
And moving on to. Okay. SoI also want to say to that,
because we're talking aboutfilters, I just want to say to
the audience that maybe thisisn't the one that you listed
with your kids in the room,because I may want to cuss
(05:32):
today, and we typically try tonot cuss. We had a conversation
on that early on just, eventhough we don't really plan for
these, we wanted it to besomething that was, I guess,
accessible anytime for people tolisten to. And,
you know, I may not, I may wantto, like drop an F bomb today or
(05:54):
something.
So speaking of filters, we'vebeen filtering out the cussing,
and it's been fine.
There are moments when it'slike, there's a word I need.
It's not here, because it'sguesswork. But honestly, I might
have dropped a shit here andthere early on and didn't even
(06:16):
remember. So if you're like, oh,yeah, no, Sarah is already cast.
Well.
We just didn't. Thank you forlistening so closely.
But I was thinking about, now Iwant to talk about Vanderpump
Rules for this whole episode.
But thinking about reality TV ingeneral. And like
(06:36):
this idea of like, how we foundthis space, where we can kind of
glorify the lack of filters, andkind of Marvel in it. And I will
say, like, from a young age, Ihave really loved reality TV, I
think in part because of that,like, watching human beings,
(06:57):
I guess be themselves, which Ithink was more true early in the
years of reality TV than it isnow. But be themselves and
try to navigate the filters, tryto figure out what they want to
filter and not filter. And Ijust find I mean, I you know,
(07:19):
it's like one of my specialinterests is people. So of
course, I would love reality TVwhere I'm getting to just like,
I'm in a lab coat watchingthinking about all the ways
these people are managing theperceptions of them their own
perceptions of themselves. And alot of it does come down to the
filters and like who they don'tuse the filters around, and what
(07:41):
kinds of filters they use atdifferent points. And it's very
relatable, I think, for me,like, I have different filters I
use in different environments.
And similarly to the masks thatI have. I like the distinction
of like, masks being about like,I'm trying to mask,
(08:02):
I'm trying to keep people fromseeing some part of me
at all, and filters feels morelike I'm trying to, I don't
know, they both probably thisYeah, we're not going to do this
sorry. So we're not going to dothis mask,
filters piece like feels likeI am really trying to manage the
(08:23):
perception other people have ofme or the opinion that they have
of me, or the access they'rewilling to give me based on the
filters I use or don't use. AndI think with filters, too. I
mean, there's also theunderstanding that we're in a
reciprocal connection. And I dotry to when I'm filtering,
(08:45):
especially when it comes tocustom, because, listen, I have
no problem with cussing, and Idon't find it morally
objectionable or that so I mean,I don't necessarily drop him in
front of my kids on purpose.
Maybe when I stub a toe,but I know that society everyone
(09:06):
has different feelings aboutthat and all of that. And I know
that I don't necessary want mykids going to school and feeling
other than some other waybecause they're dropping F bombs
at school. Even though I won'tbe the only person they're
getting language from I am avery impressionable person. And
so I do try to be more creative,I guess with with how I express
(09:31):
myself in those ways, but weknow that sometimes a well timed
cuss word just really hits apoint. Like when you stub your
toe or when someone you know,like meet some type of tension
in that moment. It's like itonly feels good to say
(09:53):
only it feels good to say.
So all that to say IDo you think that sometimes the
filtering too, I think aboutthat, and when I was thinking
about talking about filters atall, my biggest tension is I,
one of my values is beingwholehearted, and being
completely authentic. And whenit comes to
(10:19):
my social media presence, andlike, how I share my art and the
things I share in my art,or in my reels, I really have
been struggling with that partof myself of I'm not necessarily
a polished person. And so Idon't want to spend an
(10:39):
exorbitant of time like puttingsomething out there, that's
going to be super polished.
Because it starts starting tolose that grit that realness to
it, you know, but I'm also like,I don't have submission as a
children's book author. And soit's like, people are gonna find
me, like, Who is this personand, and I, but at the same
(11:02):
time, I am a full human with alldifferent types of things. And I
actually posted a poem The otherday with the word fuckery in it,
and I just felt reallyrebellious and wonderful. And
just like, this is just oneanother part of who I am. And it
just felt like the right word.
And I feel like there's alwaysthat tension with how much of me
(11:28):
and how I want to self expressin this moment, I read this
specific topic.
You know,is okay, you know, without some
type of like, consequence, anddo I care about a consequence,
and I mean, it's really like a,a lifelong learning to kind of
(11:56):
pose yourself as a certain wayor a certain person, so that you
can either fly under the radaror get attention or whatever,
like, for some kind of reasonthat's protective.
And this idea of filtering, Ithink, is protective. And I
think it's necessary, just likeI think that way of masking and
(12:17):
but this idea of casting, what'sinteresting is that I in recent
years have met multiple peoplewho pass around their kids, they
don't filter, they let theirkids cuss. We grew up in Texas,
this is just like notcommonplace in people's homes.
They're, for all all kinds ofreasons people can just fill in
(12:38):
the blank.
And so it's interesting becauseI, it really challenged me the
first time that I met someonewho their kids cast and they
didn't have any feelings aboutit. They it didn't, it wasn't a
thing in their household. Yeah.
And I also think back to like,knowing that mom's favorite
(13:02):
password was shit. And I it'slike, she made some negotiation
with herself that like that wasthe one she was just going to
not filter out. Like, I'm justthis is one I'm going to use. I
don't remember her using itaround daycare kids. I will say
that.
But I remember at least as ayounger person. I remember her
using that word every now. Andthey always like, excited me.
(13:25):
Yes. Well, Jake, my eldest like,he thinks it's just absolutely
ridiculous thatI monitor that in any way in
front of the littles. He's justlike, who cares? Who cares? This
is a made up thing about thesewords. And I'm like, I get it.
You're also not a parent, I getit.
(13:50):
And I actually don't, I wouldn'tnecessarily, I think it's funny
if I hear kids cuss or whatever.
I think for me, it's like Ithink about all of the
challenges and I think about hownot progressive like the systems
that they're in are, yeah, well,I want to add that to their
plate where they're alreadystruggling and saying, you know,
hey, like, it's your own way ofdoing way like we are raising
(14:15):
kids in these parts of thecountry where like, this isn't
like socially acceptable,especially coming out of
children is making me laughbecause my kids right now have
this thing that they're saying.
It's okay, I'm gonna get itwrong because we've been
practicing because they correctus every time but it's dang it.
Darn get hard target market.
(14:39):
So it's somethingappropriate for that because
they use it the right way.
They'll go dang it. Don't gethung up. Margot.
Coin, I started doing it.
Divergent I don't write ever.
It's so hilarious. Cory and Ihave been saying it. We often
get the order wrong.
(15:00):
So then one of the kids will belike, dang it. Torngat Arn get
Margot.
Yeah, it's brilliant. But what Iwas gonna say about that is that
they say it really fast. And wewere at a playground a couple of
weeks ago. And one of them wassaying it and I felt in myself a
(15:20):
little bit of constriction andlike, just that like activation
of like, oh, no, I should tellthem to stop doing that, right?
Like, there's all these parentsaround. And also, we're getting
to the point at six and seven,where my kids are the big kids
up on the playground a lot ofthe time now, which feels so
weird.
And so, yeah, I was feeling likevery, a way about it. Like, I
(15:43):
need to make them stop sayingthat, but then I'm like, they're
in the middle of playing? And amI really going to have a
conversation with them right nowabout how that's maybe kind of
inappropriate? Or maybe somepeople don't want their kids
saying, dang it, which, youknow, was like the clean version
of dammit. No, I don't know. Itjust like did something in me,
because it's like the closest tocussing. We've let them come.
(16:06):
And it is really funny to us.
And it's also like,I don't know, it's just like,
not that big of a deal. But thenin this other setting, I was
like, Oh, I wonder if like theywould get corrected at school.
And I have kids who areincredibly sensitive to negative
feedback if they have broken arule, like really sensitive. And
(16:27):
so I absolutely don't want themto be in a position if I can
help it, which I can't always tobe like corrected on this thing
and have them devastated duringtheir school day because they're
saying this thing that theirparents think is funny. Yeah.
Also, though, too. Let me saysomething about that, too,
because that's a really goodpoint.
(16:50):
The other flip side of that is Ihad my eldest you know, Jake, he
very much the same. But as hewas experimenting, do you
remember that thing thathappened in my living room where
he came to me when he was inlike, is he gonna want you to
(17:10):
tell this story? Oh, I don'tthink he'd care. Cuz he's like
in fourth grade. Okay. And so Iwere, we try to be good, but
this is I feel like this is apretty good
I don't think so. He came to meone night, and he was very, very
distraught and was pacing backand forth in front of me could
not spit out this thing that wasand he was crying. And he was I
(17:36):
mean, he was untethered,stressed, I could not
get him to tell me what wasgoing on. I thought something
terrible had happened to him.
Andafter several long minutes of me
feeling like I was going tovomit because I didn't know what
he was going to tell me. Hetells me he was
(18:00):
experimenting with cussing onthe playground with one of his
friends.
This kid was didn't even getcaught. He just, he was
confessing. And he wasexperimenting with these silly
words. And thought he doesn'tmean so morally era. Era. Era
era.
(18:21):
reprehensiblethat err on the front sounded
right. Um, or maybeirresponsible is what I'm saying
but reprehensible that, like hethought he was like, basically
confessing murder to me. So it'slike, there's also this part of
me too. That's like, with thelittles. I'm trying to toe this
line that they do ask me aboutsome of the stuff. And I will
(18:43):
say, I mean, they're just words,but then we have to think about
like, who we're saying them toand whatever, because I go back
to another theme that's beencoming up with Elizabeth and I,
and that is you and I talkingabout healthy aggression. And
what an easy way to pop off somehealthy aggression than just
(19:04):
right, like just like this.
Yeah. And like your, you know,your vocal cords are really
close to your vagus nerve. Sothings coming out of your mouth
sometimes is soothing. Yoursystem is sometimes part of your
nervous system having aresponse. I want to do a whole
episode on healthy aggression.
Okay. I wanted to like yeah, Itotally want us to get into that
(19:26):
because I Yeah, also too, withlike, the cutting tool. I'm
definitely not talking aboutname calling. It isn't I'm just
talking about the like, youknow, yeah. AD and like,
something happens. And this isout to like, the third. It's not
towards a person, necessarily,and that kind of thing. So yeah,
(19:49):
I don't know. So thinking ofthese kinds of words that get
filtered out of homes. When wewere growing up, we were not
allowed to say Shut up. Youremember that you weren't
either.
And it was actually the S word.
So when you're someone's like,oh, they said the S word and
you're thinking, oh shit, evensuck. We couldn't say suck.
Yeah. Yeah. So we couldn't sayshut up. So I don't want my kids
(20:11):
say that. I just find it to beso utterly mean and rude and
like, I just don't like it. I donot want to be told to shut up.
I don't want to be shushed. Likeall I just like find that very
irritating and triggering. And Ialso think it a lot because I do
want people around me to stoptalking or stop, whatever. And.
(20:37):
And so in the last like week orso
one of my kids, I'm going to tryto keep this from like, who it
is, but it'll be probably prettyobvious. One of my kids has been
having,oh, what are they calling it,
they're calling it like aan angry party, I think is what
(20:58):
it's being called. And thischild will bury their whole
selves headfirst into all of thesofa, cushions and blankets. We
have a bunch of like, throwblankets into the corner of our
couch with this big sectional.
And then we'll scream on the topof their lungs. I hate you shut
(21:20):
up.
You're stupid, ugly. And it'skind of a combination of those
things. I guess you're a stupidugly is a pretty big Zinger. I
don't know.
But Shut up. And I hate you. NowI do let the kids say I hate you
to me. And as part of like, Dr.
Becky on line. Good enough.
(21:44):
What is her thing? Good enough?
Good. Good. We're having a hardtime or something. Yeah, I don't
agree with everything that shesays it does. But this one
particular thing she was sayinglike kids saying that they hate
you is like a part of how theyare accessing that healthy
aggression. And so I've reallytried to like not
monitor and like, correct themfor saying that, and have just
(22:07):
chosen to not take it personallyeven though whew, it's hard
sometimes. But yeah, so these,like, these angry parties will
talk about this more on thehealthy aggression episode too.
But what's interesting to me isthe words that are being used,
because I'm like, these are thewords that this little person
has like, catalogued as the onesto filter out, right? And
they're going into this angryparty to release the filters and
(22:31):
let it all hang out. And likestupid, ugly, I hate you and
shut up or the like, you know,this is a young child.
Yeah, they are still technicallydoing it in front of us. But
I just think it's interesting,because I feel conflicted around
like, I don't want tonecessarily sit here while you
(22:52):
unleash all this stuff in frontof me. It's loud and all that.
AndI don't I'm kind of glad they're
not like running up to theirroom where I can't hear it at
all, because I'm like, you'restill actually here. And they
come out from the pillows andsay, Oh, much better.
I'm having an angry party later.
(23:14):
Yeah. So it's just this likewhole thing around like, I think
cussing, at least from myexperience growing up. Is there
is this like, heavy correlationto aggression? Around crossing
out laughing and joking aroundto be but it's always kind of
(23:35):
has that connotation of hedge.
Right? Spicy aggressive, right?
Yeah. Yeah, like ill mannered.
And what's what's funny aboutit, though, is that you and I
don't know, I could definitelysay myself, I don't want to
speak for you. But Idefinitely don't filter myself
in many ways that are not thatare probably not socially
(23:58):
acceptable. Like, I will belike, Oh, this is ridiculous.
I'm not doing this anymore. Andyeah, you know, I gotta go to
bed. This is for the birds.
You know, so it's not like I'mlooking to be
I don't need everyone to likeme. I know. Not everyone's gonna
I you know, I really try to bemy most authentic self. And I
(24:20):
also have a visceral reaction tolike in authenticity. And so
when I'm in a room of like,someone checking off things, and
it's just like, whoa, killing mesmall then I'm, I am more likely
to like give an eye roll or justbe refinished.
So it's not like my filter islike a gold star. It's like all
(24:46):
those memes that are just likethis could have been an email or
I will say that text me insteadnext time. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I
I have theIt's like a very complicated
relationship with this stuff.
Because I feel like I appreciatefilters, other people,
(25:07):
sometimes. And then other timeswhen people are so heavily
filtered, yeah, I feel likethey're not human, like, I don't
even know anything about them orwhat they stand for don't it's
like, really hard to get to knowpeople who are really heavily
filtered. But then people whohave no filters, that just does
(25:28):
sometimes make me feel unsafe.
Yeah, they just start talkingabout.
I had someone in the last coupleof months that was talking to me
about how they have a coworkerwho just starts talking about
all their trauma, like and likegraphic stuff. Yeah. You know,
at lunch, it's like, Excuse me.
I mean, there's boundaries. Imean, boundaries are parts of
(25:51):
filters as well. And I thinkthat when you're thinking, when
I'm thinking about my filter,I'm thinking about, where do I
need boundaries? Whatboundaries, you know, do I want
to like offer in my own way ofshowing up, I feel like as
respectful unknowns that are inthe room and stuff like that.
(26:14):
And I think with middle age,too,
coming off the menopause, it wasso too, is that you just have
less of them as you get older,because? Well, I do anyway,
because of her perspective. Andyeah, and you get more
(26:35):
comfortable with who you are.
And I think you're, you know,most people as they get older,
they have a smaller circle ofpeople around them. Just
logistically, it's hard to keepup with a lot of relationships.
It's not true for everyone. ButI would be willing to guess for
some people. It's also like, oh,I have a much smaller circle and
the people who are in it, I amnot that filtered around. And so
(26:58):
I forget that this is a filterthat should be used in this
environment, especially as youactually have memory issues.
Like you're in a space andyou're like, Oh, I mean, I can
remember being like, I don'tremember specifics, but I can
remember with both grandmashaving moments where I'm like
grandma, Oh, yeah.
(27:20):
That's, we don't say that orwhat? And feeling like very
uncomfortable. Like, they're notchildren, but they're, what is
this? Like, unfiltered? I don'tcare. I'm just gonna say the
thing.
That's so true. You know what Imean? Like, you said, that was
farting. Because I feel likelegitimate filter is such a
(27:41):
filter topics, like who does notstruggle with like, and I get it
all along with cussing. It's,it's like it's gonna come up.
And it's like,you have to choose very wisely
and sometimes with my kids and Iwill say as you get older and go
through like, I mean, sometimesit's not super easy. Like we
used to laugh about mom likewalking across the room, like
(28:02):
sound like a tugboat like floorstrength, your pelvic floor back
to the menopause up. It's nojoke. And my kids will just be
like, what they're getting moreused to it, but, but to say is
that one of the best thegrandmas, they would do stuff
more, especially the greatgrandma's. And the and they were
(28:23):
much, much older. I rememberthinking it was so taboo. And
I'm like, now I'm like, I getit.
I can't be I can't be sittinghere with every single part of
me clenched and constricted,every possible thing coming out
of my body and still breathe.
Like that's just I'm going tokeel over. I'm gonna have to
(28:46):
loosen up some muscles here. Andthat means that like, natural
things might happen. And thattopic is it's just like,
hysterical to me because it isso taboo. And I would be willing
to bet if we like went andlooked up, like, at what point
did we feel like women didn't dogross things that are natural
(29:11):
things. You know, women don'tpoop. They don't. To they don't
all this stuff. I told Cory whenwe got married. I do not shoot.
Yeah, yet. Yeah, yeah. It's nottrue. But like, and he knew it
wasn't true. But it's just likethe party line. Right? This is
our filter here, honey. I do notshoot and that is your statement
(29:33):
about it. And that is mystatement about it. We do not
acknowledge this part of mebeing a human. Yeah, it's just
so ridiculous. And rattle.
Sometimes he'll be like, nice.
Mean, scorecards.
(29:53):
I just need to be free.
I don't need like the person onthe side.
Olympicpoint six. Just need freedom and
I need the earthquake.
I needed to not be aconversation. Just let it be the
onewhich is how I treated it with
mom and grandma. It was justlike they were walking by and
(30:15):
they too did it all.
I would almost look like abusier than I was before.
You're looking at something onthe calendar. I know. I am so
busy. I'm gonna clean it. I'mgonna make someone just make a
noise, nothing, nothing here,nothing here to see. Which is
like, what was I doing? A nobodytold me to do that. But there
(30:38):
was just this, like, I need toprotect their dignity at all
costs. And like also, why did Ithink them passing gas? A
natural bodily function was likeundignified?
Well, one of the things youknow, I agree as a middle school
teacher. Oh, why?
Oh, tell me before I get intomyself. I mean, it's like, you
(31:00):
know, when deodorant wasinvented, it was marketed to
women. Oh, yeah. It was allabout and same with like
Listerine and all these like,things around hygiene were all
marketed toward women, notsmelling in any possible way.
And I think that's it's part ofthe holdover from that our
ancestors were not holding intheir toots. Now, they didn't
(31:24):
have time for that they werelike,
farming and gathering her busy,hard labor, like no one had time
to clench.
Well, I won't be. So as a middleschool teacher, the one of the
worst, most humiliating thingsthat could happen to you is to
rip wind by accident in silenceor like, not very loud. And
(31:48):
you're sitting there, whatever.
And so, I mean, no way would Ido that, that was painful as a
teacher, because I would neverlive that down. But I got a fart
machine and start hiding itaround the room. And it was
really fun before they reallyfigure out what it was. But
I would just put it out. And Iwould just animate all kinds of
(32:09):
like different kinds of farts.
Butit was, I think it helped not
make those things such a bigdeal. It was also hilarious, but
it helps make some of thosethings not a big deal, because
someone would inevitably do it.
And you would watch like thefire the rap, go up them and
you're just like, they wanted todie inside. And it's just kind
(32:29):
of like, what they did theyafter I would do that as a
prank, right?
And then I would give one ofthem to do it as a prank when
like the sub would come orwhatever.
It just kind of what if it didhappen? It just was like an
added bonus. But it just didn'tsay though. Do you have the
machine again? Yeah, sure themachines going.
(32:53):
But it is that that whole ideathat like this basic human
natural function, along with allthe other things that go on in
our bodies, become shameful hasto be hidden away. I mean, do
you remember like getting yourperiod and like, you would have
to like you would go to thebathroom? But the stress of no
(33:13):
one like what am I going to putit in to carry so that as you
take your purse, right?
Everybody knows everybody knowstaking
juicy Sarah, she left she hadher purse. She has her period.
It was terrible or brilliant,like put something in your
pocket? I mean, God forbid, likeyou didn't know that day. And it
(33:35):
was just I know. Okay, so I'mlistening to that book. It's so
awkward about modern puberty,highly recommend anybody who has
a young child. And I just waslistening to the chapter about
periods earlier today, and theywere talking about how Gen Z
kids like have been a lot lessdiscreet about period products.
(33:59):
And that like they just are likeit's just a part of life. Like I
need these things. I have to usethese things sometimes. And so
they're like, just carryingstuff around in their hands. Can
you imagine carrying a pad tothe bathroom at school? Fair
hands watching Z they made me sohappy.
I'm like good job, y'all. Comeon. Yeah, yeah. Okay, so I don't
(34:24):
know where we go from here.
Except thatI do think that there is like a
helpful space of like reflectionaround how do you filter
yourself? Is it reallynecessary? Where are there
filters that are actually like,causing you discomfort or pain
or right like making your life alittle bit harder for you to
(34:47):
just like be who you are. Youknow, if you while we were
talking about holding in yourToots were like feeling the
memory in your abdomen of whatthat
feels like to swallow a tooth.
It is not the same as swallowinga yawn, y'all. It's just not.
(35:08):
Oh, yeah, that's another filter.
So, like, I will have like,clients. I remember having
students. I mean, sometimes youjust have to yawn, and I am not
I tell me what, I do not takethat, as you're bored. Yeah, you
might just be relaxed, you mightjust be whatever, and you might
just be tired. Well, I don canbe a sign of like a somatic
(35:28):
discharge to like, in therapy,you can have a big yawn or a
burp. Or you can start sweating.
There's all these somatic thingsthat can happen when you
actually like, do loosen upsomething somatically within
your body. So it can be a signof like, goodness, yes. And I
(35:48):
had someone swallow a yawn. Isaid, Oh, don't do that. You
don't have to swallow your yawn.
And she started giggling. And Isaid, Yeah, I mean, I don't take
that in any type of way. Andshe's like, oh, gosh, I mean,
yeah, you know, your front rowwith your like, Professor or
whatever you think. And I'mlike, Yeah, I just, I don't look
at that as a sign of anythingother than, like, you just had
to yawn. And we don't need toget into why, but just let your
(36:10):
body do it. The worst part aboutyawns is how strong the mirror
neurons are, because you're justtalking about them as making me
want to yawn.
It's like this whole thing,right? Where like, our bodies
just will sync up and we willyawn together or, yeah, that's a
really interesting filter tolike, just, I think talking
(36:32):
about this made me realize,just, they're just everywhere,
we have to think about themconstantly, and renegotiate and
act like ask ourselves questionsand decide how you want to show
up. And I guess when I first wasthinking about talking about
this, I was thinking, maybe wecould come up with like,
(36:52):
something that would make mefeel like it would be less work.
And the truth is, I just thinkit's just part of the human
experience being in systems andrelationship and all that.
Because I definitely don't wantto become one of those people
who just says whatever theywant, whenever they want, it
doesn't considerothers. But where can I be a
(37:14):
little more authentic andchallenge some of those old
stories about? Really, what doesthat say about me that I use the
word fuckery. And nothing and Iactually feel proud of it. And I
didn't take it down, and I'mgood with it.
But it still is live and free. Alittle bit up there. Right. And
(37:35):
I just, I wonder and I'm makinga note of this, because I think
there's another topic here forus. But I think the like
correlation not just to healthyaggression with filters, but
also to embarrassment.
Like being embarrassed. Oh,you're trying to avoid feeling
embarrassed. Yeah, that's thefilter, isn't it?
(38:01):
Yeah, it's like it's protective.
It's like I do not want toembarrass myself. I don't want
to feel shame I don't. It's likea lot of these things. We're
filtering are just ourhumaneness, which is gets
tricky, fast, you know. Andagain, and if you have some,
well, I think what's funny, too,about the filter, too, is let's
say you're in a room or in ameeting or something and someone
(38:21):
farts or someone Mexican belchesor something.
If you are unapologetic aboutit, and you're just like, yeah,
that's my body. Just wow, justkeep on going. People are
offended. You ever see andpeople will be more likely to be
like, I don't I'll do but if youare like, oh, excuse me, oh,
(38:43):
it's, it's just part of being ahuman. No worries, like, you
know what I mean? Like, I feellike there's also this other
like layer of how you,you know, show up in these human
ways to depends on how acceptedthey are. That's another
societal No, yeah, you know, orwhatever. And I think I just
want to show up in some of theseareas, and just it not even be a
(39:06):
conversation. Yeah, that's howthat person decided to express
that numbness of the fourth Pro.
That's exciting. You just had todo a thing. Definitely sat on a
plane with someone behind me orin front of me who was passing
gas was to the whole flight. Itwas very, very uncomfortable for
(39:28):
me as someone who has sensoryissues with everything smells
too. And I remember like gettingup to go to the bathroom to see
like, is there a baby aroundhere, that poopy diaper so that
I can just like relieve myselfof the irritation? Like why
aren't you holding that in? Andlike really feeling like, the
good and decent human thing todo is to hold it in and it's
(39:52):
like, of course I felt that way.
But also it feels a littleshocking and like disturbing to
be like, Oh my gosh, I justThis was like, Y'all are not
going to be human for the nexthowever long This flight is and
then if need to be human,there's a bathroom and you can
wait in line. Go through it inthere. Yeah, yeah. And the rules
change from environment do.
(40:15):
Yeah, yeah. Airplanes. Okay,this was fun. That was fun. I
had a good laugh. We're going totalk about healthy aggression.
Embarrassed. We're not promisingthe next episode. We don't know.
No, but these are topics thathave bubbled up. Hey, if any of
you who are listening, now thatwe know we do actually have a
handful of listeners, literallya handful. If y'all have a topic
(40:37):
idea, please send it to us. Yes,we would love that. Also, we are
going to at some point bebringing our siblings on one at
a time and interviewing them. Soyou're going to get the full
experience of the Snyder pod orfamily. Just yeah, we also are
not promising when that willhappen. But it'll be this
(40:59):
calendar year. We can say that.
We can say that we still have aton of things to talk about.
Yeah, never, never not havingthings to talk about. Back to
Full circle. We have a lot ofwords, huh? All right. Thanks
for hanging out was fun.
All right, love you. Bye bye.
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