August 24, 2024 • 43 mins
Life is full of Big Transitions, but navigating them can be painstaking. Let's chat about how to identify when we're in a Big Transition and how to cope through them. This is a great discussion for anyone trying to adjust something new - a job, relocation, back to school, season changes... so anyone, really.
Sleepy Sisters podcast is hosted by Elizabeth Brink and Sarah Durham. This show is unedited and often unprepared for, so we hope you enjoy our resistance to perfection!
www.thrivingsistercoaching.com
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Episode Transcript
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Unknown (00:02):
Elizabeth, Hello, we are the sleepy sisters. This is
Elizabeth brink, Sarah Durham,and today we're going to talk
about the hard of bigtransitions. Big transitions
make you sleepy.
Yes, they do.
It's like, one of the biggestcauses of sleepiness, I think,
(00:24):
I think so. And they're just allthe time. They're just the gift
that keeps on given. Yeah? Sowhat are some big transitions?
Like, let's just name some out.
Well, teachers back to school,kids back to school. Yes, new
job, yeah, going to college,yeah, um, marriage, kid, and
(00:51):
then once you become a parent,every transition they go
through, guess what you get togo through?
Yeah, yeah. And also, like,puberty, menopause, big, big
transitions,middle age, teenage, yeah. Like,
life, stage, life, stage, yeah,and seasons
of the year, seasons of theyear, yeah,
(01:14):
hold the time change if you'rein a place that does the time
change. Like, come onSunday scaries into Mondays,
yes, the new year,yeah, holidays, yeah, always
what we said, seasons,yeah, I guess that counts in
there.
Job loss,yeah, like the negative stuff,
right? Loss, yes, huge, hugetransition. I remember when mom
(01:39):
died, somebody saying somethingabout finding a new normal. It
made me angry, and I was like, Ido not want a new normal. And
how long is that going to take?
It was terrible thing to say.
Don't say that to somebodywho's i mean, i There are so
many things that made me angrythat people said when mom died,
that even now, yeah, we can doan episode. I'll do an episode
(02:03):
on that. WhatNot To Say, Yeah, after a death,
yeah. So, so, big transitions,really, monthly cycle. Okay,
come on, yeah, yeah. Pick one,yeah, all right, in our house,
we also have like transitionsaround, like, because, because
(02:25):
Cory and I both own our ownbusinesses. We also have like
seasonal shifts in how much workwe are doing that don't line up
with, like, the seasons of theyear, but it is, like, almost
cyclical, not always, but thereare these ebbs and flows where,
like, he'll have a huge tonamount of work, and it really
(02:47):
like stresses on us, and thenthings will be, like, really
slow. And I think for me, it's abit, it's a big transition on
him too. But it definitely likeI feel it when that shift
happens, yeah? So starting newthings, letting go of old
things, yeah. So I guesswe're not talking about every
(03:10):
type of transition, because Isaid monthly cycle, so because
we have, like, even day to dayinsight, oh, yeah, yeah, we're
talking about the big ones, thebig
ones, starting a new medication,going off a medication, you
know, starting any kind of newregimen or stopping a new thing,
right? Like all of that presentsthese challenges around coping.
(03:34):
Like having the capacity to copeis like, like, seriously
diminished by big transitions.
And I think a lot of peopleexperience transitions and don't
really, like, give them theirdue reference or whatever. Like,
(03:55):
you know, like, this is a bigdeal this is having a big
effect, and like acknowledgingthat it's affecting capacity in
all these, like, nuanced ways.
And it can just feel like, No,this is an exciting thing, or a
good thing, or, Oh, everybodygoes through this. And I just
(04:15):
think you can downplay it soeasily without acknowledging how
big of an impact it has on yourday to day functioning. For
sure, I think about, well, I wasthinking about two things. One,
your brain doesn't give you achoice, like, if it's new, it
has to integrate and process theinformation a certain way before
(04:36):
it becomes less work for it. Sowhether you think it should be
easy, or shouldn't require thismany spoons or whatever. Just
biologically that it's just kindof processed through the same
way and then goes to a differentpart of your brain once it kind
of knows it. And just dependingon what else is going on,
environmentally, like supportwise, everything, just. First,
(05:00):
it is such a big impact. I Thesecond thing I was thinking
about is I have a client whoyesterday, you know, she's a
teacher, and so we worked onsummer goals, and then now we're
shifting more to like becauseshe's transitioning back into
teaching. And was frustratedwith herself because she is just
like, I should be able to domore. I want to deep dive into
(05:23):
this other thing, but I've gotnothing. And I said, That's
because you just started a newjob. She was like, No, I did. I
said, Yeah, you did. Becausewhen you're a teacher, it's like
starting a new job every year,you often will have a different
room. She has a differentteaching partner. You've got new
kids, you've got newpersonality. She has a new boss.
I'm like, you may be in the samebuilding, but essentially, gosh,
(05:48):
I've never thought about thatfor the educators, like, yeah,
all those different elements,like, new requirements, new
systems, like, we have a new appthis year for communicating with
the staff, the change. It islike a whole new job.
It is. It's a lot, it's a lot,and no wonder you
used to go dark. We used to saythat Sarah, when she was
(06:12):
teaching Rebecca and I, ourother sister, would say, Sarah
goes dark until, like Halloween,maybe the school year, she stops
responding to our group, thread,text and and makes sense because
you've, like, started a new job.
I had not thought of it thatway. That's wild.
There's absolutely no brainpower left for I mean, you will
(06:34):
look at the text and you'll justbe like, I just know, like, it's
just a no. It's a big fat noinside and it seeps out your
pores. Oh, I mean, and, youknow, it's hard too, because
when you're a parent and yourkids are going through those
transitions, and you're ateacher, because it's like a
special, special, because we gothrough this every year, and
(06:57):
every year, most teachers I knowbeat themselves up for what they
can and can't accomplish duringthis time. I think forgetting,
because you're in the same job,the same building, you get a lot
of the same coworkers. It'slike, you forget, you forget how
much new so there's a lot ofshoulds surrounding you. And
then you go home, and if you gotlike me, you get a gaggle of
(07:19):
neurodivergent kids who are alsotransitioning. You know, when I
look back at those times, Imean, there is some sadness and,
like, guilt over like, wow.
Like, there were just times Ijust didn't have the capacity. I
remember my eldest saying to me,oh, you know, just when you're
teaching, it's annoying.
(07:40):
Basically, I mean, like, wasproud of me, but at the same
time was, like, you don't haveanything left. Yeah, yeah. And
he wasn't wrong. I mean, therewas a lot. I mean, it was, but
it it, it was only duringcertain times. But
unfortunately, some of thosetimes overlap, and, like, at the
end of the year, as everyone'stransitioning, oh yeah,
(08:01):
everyone's exhausted. And yeah,I just, I have such respect for
educators, and especiallyparents who are educators. And
yeah, layers, yeah. I,you know, I think about all the
different big like transitionsin the calendar that happen. If
you have school age kids, theyhappen. You know regularly, like
(08:25):
different school breaks, and inour house, these big transitions
have taken a lot to understandand, like, actually figure out
how to, like, proactively, like,help everyone cope. And it's
(08:46):
it's taken years to actually,like, understand and name, oh,
this is what's happening. Thereis this transition period when
the school year starts, whereeveryone is really depleted,
everyone's overstimulated,everyone's nervous systems are
buzzing and are in collapse. Andit is, it's like, ripe for
(09:12):
fights.
Oh yeah,the fighting, the fighting, and
it's like the tension is sopalpable yesterday. So this is
the first week of school for us,and yesterday both kids were
just kind of past their limit,exhausted and Corey, and I had
had busy days, and we weretired, and you could just feel
(09:34):
the tension in the house, likeif anyone looked actually just
looked at anyone, not evenlooked sideways or with a stink
eye, if you just looked in anyone particular direction, there
was the potential for like,explosive responses. And there
were some explosive responses.
(09:57):
And my instinct. Now is like, deescalate, de escalate. Chill,
calm, close the curtains,weighted blankets on everyone,
ice water in hand, like, that'sright. Rice Krispie treats like,
whatever you want, likeeverybody, just like, yes, be
comforted, right? And, and lastnight, Corey got frustrated and
(10:21):
tried to give some corrective inone of the kids. And, you know,
wasn't wrong with what he wassaying, but it just was like not
possible in the midst of thiskind of transition this week and
and so, like things exploded,and people had big feelings, and
(10:45):
it we came back down off of it.
We ended up having actually areally good night, but that was
such growth, like the beginningof the summer, when the kids
left school and were in camps,it was like every single night,
we were having enormousmeltdowns in our house, huge
stress, and I was justdetermined, like, I cannot have
(11:05):
another week like that in thesame calendar year. And this is
another big change. And so I dothink it helps that my kids are
in the same school this yearthey were last year, which is
kind of the first time that'shappened. But also I feel like
it's helped to be able tonotice, like, when to pick the
(11:27):
fight, right? Like, and that'slike, always helpful in
relationship with other peoplein any context, not just in
parenting, to like, choose yourbattles, as people would say,
but when you're in the midst ofa really big transition, it is
so critical to slow down. Andthe problem is often in these
(11:49):
big transitions, there's a lotof stressors that are pushing
you to speed up, and you reallyhave to slow down so that you
can preserve connection and keeppeople's nervous systems and
whole brains from like, youknow, short circuiting and
having an even harder time,right? Like, I think about the
(12:11):
somatic piece of it, of like,introducing even more stress,
even more constriction in thetissues of our bodies in the
midst of something that'salready stressful.
Yeah, it reminds me of, youknow, as an educator, as a
coach, how often you knowparents will come and when will
(12:34):
come, and they're, you know,kind of freaking out a little
bit because they're like,they're typically going to be
neurodivergent, like teens we'retalking about, or whatever. And
people want help because schoolstarts and things start falling
apart. And like, let's say, thelast year, everyone in the house
(12:55):
has really worked with their kidto do this and that, or
whatever. And you will see skillregression during this time
period when there's a bigtransition, because their brain
is taxed. And I always feellike, I mean, this is like, I
have to remind myself aboutthis. Like, yeah, had a family
(13:17):
member call me this week like,saying, hey, like, do we need
therapy? Does this personwhatever? And I'm always
thinking at this point now,like, let's just give it a beat.
Like, let's just hold on asecond. Let's lower demand.
Let's do all the things that wecan do to lower demand and and
(13:40):
comfort, as you said earlier, athome and like, let's revisit
this in a little bit, because ifyou're then going to add on
counseling or coaching, that isanother demand that's really
hard on their system. And a lotof times your kid or you, or
(14:01):
whatever you're going to comeback, you just need a minute to
reset. And I will say, withhaving three neurodivergent
children, the skill regression Isee the most is emotional
regulation. It is the piecethat's like, you know, you know,
yes, prioritizing things likethat. But I think the the core
(14:22):
of it is, like that somaticpiece that you're talking about,
that body piece of where it'slike my nervous system is
starting the, you know, theyhave sensitive nervous systems.
It's starting to registerthreat, because they're being
inundated without the control tosay, no more. Yeah,
yeah, right, yeah, yeah. Like,one of my kids this week at
(14:45):
bedtime was having a hard timeand just yelled out, I don't
have capacity. And it was like,love it capacity. And I'm like,
okay, it made me really proud.
And also I just was like, Thankyou for telling me I. So glad
you know that, what can we do?
Or, like, sometimes it's noteven a question. Sometimes it's
(15:05):
like, let's do this, right? I'mnot even like, do you want to do
this? It's more directive, like,Okay, let's go. And honestly, a
lot of times for us right now,it's putting on a show. And I
know there's, like, a lot ofconflicting information about
screens and shows and things,but I find that at least for my
(15:30):
kids in this season, when theyare really stretched during the
day, there is something thatenables them to kind of probably
dissociate a little bit from theoverwhelm by watching something.
And if we sit with them and aredoing some skin to skin, like
we're actually snuggling withthem, and if we are actually
(15:53):
watching it with them andresponding to what we're
watching, if we laugh at thethings that are funny, not
faking it, right, I find thatconnection gets reignited more
easily than if I'm like, comeon. Do you want to have mommy
time? Do you want to read abook? Let's do some art. Let's
go for a walk. Like, if I justalmost, like, sneak in and
(16:16):
connect with their body. Thensometimes the rest of them can
come, you know, with it, but Ido think that, you know, even as
I'm thinking of this story, andas you're talking about skill
regression, I'm just thinkingabout all the times in my life
when I've had These hugetransitions, relocating to
(16:39):
different states multiple times,and how spread thin I felt and
out of control. And that senseof being out of control and
having things happen to you is apart of trauma. And so for
anyone who has a history oftrauma, you might also be
(16:59):
triggered in some of thesetransitions by that sense of
powerlessness. So anything thatwe can do that, like reconnects
us with the present moment andwhat you do have control over
can sometimes help with what cankind of flood you when you're
feeling kind of stretched toofar and feeling a little bit out
of control? Yeah,oh my gosh, this is so I have,
(17:22):
well, I've got two kids who aregoing through major transitions.
The middle one just startedmiddle school and has really
just come home every day andjust in the dark, watches Harry
Potter something that he's seena million times. So it's,
there's been no new it's alllike rote, kind of watching
(17:46):
with, like a mix of, likecrunchy, sweet snacks that are
cold, you know, cold stuff. Andreally has just kind of moans,
like I'm just so tired. So we'vedone our best to lower demand.
And like, you know, he hasTaekwondo and baseball. So right
(18:06):
now, like, Taekwondo is, youknow, he enjoys it. It's not
like we're gonna, like,threaten, say, Oh, if you don't
go or whatever. It's like, Weknow, for this time period.
Like, it's not really in hislike, capacity, I guess, to do
it. And so then I'm thinkingabout my other my eldest, who is
(18:28):
moving to a new country andlanguage and starting grad
school and doing some right nowhe's doing this, like, prep
course, where it's, like, goingback to Calculus and linear
algebra and, like, thisdifferent stuff, which he took
(18:48):
in college a while ago, right?
But it's like this, and thenthere's, like, some programming
stuff, and it's all crammed in,like, these few weeks before he
goes. And he called me thismorning and he said, I am so
overwhelmed. I'm overwhelmedhearing, I know I was like,
(19:08):
what, most people wouldn't evenattempt that. But so it's like
and, but it's like this piecethat he wants to make sure that
he has, and we had already kindof talked through, like, what he
wanted his outcome to be. But inthe midst of it, you know, you
lose perspective, because thenthere's housekeeping, right?
It's like, where do I getgroceries? Where do I get
shampoo? You know what? Cafesare open? You know, his charger
(19:34):
broke for his laptop. Andthere's all these, shoulds
around, though, that list ofthings, right? But it's also
like, you don't know where thestores are. You don't you know?
I mean, it's all of these thingsthat we can shut ourselves to
death about how much we shouldbe able to access. And I'm like,
(19:54):
you may have to make a decisionabout how much, because the
class. Isn't actually required.
It's just something he feelslike would be optimal, right?
Yeah, and his bar is very highgifted much, yeah. And with the
giftedness too, like most giftedfolks, there's very low
(20:16):
capacity, very hot or very lowfrustration level with new
material, because so much newmaterial, people are able to
gifted folks are able to passthrough pretty quickly and
integrate, but then they'rehuman and they're not not
everything is going to be thatway. There's things that are
(20:38):
just harder concepts, and justtake whatever and, like, for
this one, he's teaching himselfthis, like, integrated court, I
know, because basically they'rereading the textbook on a video.
So he has to, you know,whatever, wow, but Right? And
it's like, I, you know, butlike, so hard on himself. And
I'm like, Can we zoom out for asecond, because this is bananas,
(21:00):
you know, I mean most people,but then there's, like, this
other stuff. So it's like, eventhough he's changed countries
before, and there was a musclethat's been starting to build,
and stuff like that, I thinksometimes when we go into these,
like big transitions, which ismost of life, there is parts of
us still there. There isexperience still there. And we
(21:24):
are so quick to put the shouldson ourselves, because we're
like, I just did this. I went toNewcastle. It shouldn't be that
hard. It shouldn't be that hard.
Like, I've done this before,like, yes, and that is
wonderful. It was also adifferent language. It was also
a different country. It was alsolike, you didn't have these
certain things you had to do.
But like, especially with giftedpeople, it's that common. I see
(21:49):
that common thread over and overwhere it's like, I because the
way they move through stuff withcontent and different things.
There's so there's so littleself compassion and grace when
they hit a snag or they hitsomething that's just harder and
just would require anyone moreeffort, right?
(22:16):
Yeah, yeah. Well, it's like thatwhole piece around just thinking
about my own relocations, likewhen I was 26 I moved to Boston,
and I knew someone there who hada car. It also was winter time
when I moved there, I did nothave a car, and I didn't live. I
lived like a little over a milefrom the T that the train and I,
(22:42):
I remember crying about, like,how to get to target, because I
grew up in the suburbs in Texas,so I'm like, where is the
Walmart and the target? Andlike, how do I get to the
grocery store? And I rememberjust being so exhausted, because
it wasn't just, oh, I have tofind this new place, and I have
to, I have to learn the bussystem. Busses, at least. Then
(23:06):
this was a long time ago inBoston, were not reliable, and
so I had to have all the rightgear to be standing outside in
the snow waiting for the bus,and then I had to know exactly
where to get off. And the busmaps on the website, don't tell
you that targets at this stopwhen you still have to be like,
(23:27):
kind of you know you gotta be.
And I'm like, by nature, I'mvery hot temperature wise. Like,
I have a lot of troubleregulating my body temperature,
and so I would like walk to theend of the street in all this
winter gear, and I would get onthese busses with the air
blowing, and I would besweating, like, taking off my
scarf, and it's wet, and like,just feeling like, oh my gosh,
(23:52):
why did I even take a shower?
Like it's summertime in Texas,based on how I looked, and then
you gotta walk, you know, ablock or so to the target. You
go in, you get stuff, and thenwhatever you buy, you have to
carry with you back onto the busand back up that hill where you
live. And it was just like itwas so much work. And I just, I
(24:17):
didn't anticipate it. And itwas, it was like, this tiny
little story, right? Like, I didnot go to Target again for a
very long time, until someonewith a car took me. But it was
just like, I'm going to beindependent, and I'm in this new
big city, and I'm excited, andthen I did this thing that,
like, wiped me out, and then Ihad to, like, go to work the
(24:37):
next day, which sounds a littledramatic, but for neurodivergent
folks, or anyone who has alreadylike a sensitive nervous system
that is vigilant or is justtaxed already, you know you're
going to hit limits a lotsooner. And so I didn't
(24:59):
understand. How to, like,preserve my capacity while
navigating, like, the newness ofthe change. And that has been
like, a theme of my life. Like,oh, big transition. I only
realized it after the fact, whenI'm like, in recovery mode. And,
gosh, wouldn't it be nice if Icould see these coming and,
(25:20):
like, be a little moreproactive, so that I, like, I
fare a little better throughthem. I
mean, I'm just thinking aboutthat time period too, like our
mom had just died, and, youknow, you were grieving. And I
think about which makes me thinkabout our season change every
year, where we forget that thisis the time that our bodies
(25:42):
start mourning, and, like, twoweeks after, we're like, Oh, why
am I so sad? Right? It's thetime your mom died. So it's
like, we also carry these, like,stories and these things in our
body too, that if we've had anydistance from them, that we
don't take into account rightduring these parts of the year.
I'm also thinking about when youmoved to Kansas City and, like,
(26:06):
you had a new baby, right? And,like, in this really deep
community, like rich communityin one place, and then you had
another one right away. Yeah,you think you'd be able to spot
these things, or maybe we did.
We're just like, we're gonna doit, yeah. I mean, there was a
desperation there. But yeah,yeah, my oldest was six and a
(26:29):
half months old. I think when wemoved to Kansas City, and they
are 16 months apart, and thatwas probably one of the hardest
I it's still, I mean, it waswhat, like almost seven years
ago, six years ago, I'm notsure, um, and it still is, like,
(26:51):
the hardest transition I thinkI've gone Through, other than
the death of a loved one. AndI'm like, is this true? I've had
so many hard transitions, evenjust like becoming a parent,
but, but this has been, like,this long process of, like,
(27:13):
really trying to build a life ina new place, and feeling like I
was not prepared at all to dothis in this season of life,
with a young kid and then withtwo young kids,
two babies. I mean, they were,yeah, it was so isolating
(27:34):
and exhausting and a very sadstretch of time of just feeling
like trapped at home, and when Isaid, Let's go
like, let's we didn't knowyou're a perimenopausal either.
No, I didn't,because you're right. I mean, I
didn't realize how ill equippedI was to cope with the
(27:56):
transition of moving here. And Ithink that that's also like the
way it goes a lot right, likeyou lose a job, or you lose a
person you love, or you anopportunity, and it it does
catch you off guard. And I thinkthat's that element of trauma
that that feeling like it'shappening to you and and I think
this is why I feel so stronglyabout people acknowledging when
(28:22):
they are in the midst of thesekind of big transitions, and
acknowledging them beyond, likethe day or week that they like
that pinpoint of time, you know,but seeing them as like a season
and not as a moment in time, Ithink, is really important,
because when we lose thatcontext of, oh, it's beginning
(28:42):
of the school year, oh, we aregrieving the loss of a loved
one, oh, we just moved here sixmonths ago, we lose the ability
to like, be compassionate towardourselves, and to really care
for ourselves In a gentle andkind way. I see this most with
clients who are coming out ofjobs where they have been, where
(29:05):
they are careers, and they areexperiencing burnout, and they
come into burn, you know, theyget to that burnout place they
leave these jobs, or they'refired from them, or whatever.
And this long, slow process ofhealing and making sense of this
transition out of this grindthat they were in for so long,
(29:32):
we could do a whole episode onthat. I mean, currently we
could,yeah, and so it's like, we need
compassion, and we also need to,like, acknowledge that even if
you didn't see it coming there,you're not powerless. There are
things you can do to soften theedges of a big transition. Yeah,
andself compassion is one of them,
and I will say, even in, evenwithin that acknowledging that
(29:55):
you also. To Be mindful thatyou're measuring a stick is
unique to you, and how long ittakes you to kind of integrate
this new information and figurethings out is cannot be compared
to other people and society willover and over, like with grief
and all of these other things,you know, covertly, overtly,
(30:19):
make comments and say things andgive messaging around like where
you should or shouldn't be. Andthis is like that perspective
piece, having people around youto like also remind you finding
practices and stuff that helpyou really remember what your
(30:39):
truth is around, like, whereyou're at and what you're going
through and all of that. I mean,I just who it ain't easy.
No, it's not. It's like, haveyour groceries delivered, order
takeout, like, go to bed early.
(31:00):
Do you know how many people Ihave, like client wise friends,
who are in the middle of somebig transition, and they are
still doing the dance of but Ialso should be making healthy
meals, and I also they're tryingto manage 10 different, like
categories of life that theyfeel like also listen, and I get
(31:22):
it, because I think that withkind of the work that I've done
with you, I have thisunderstanding of like, when
we're in that mode, the logic iskind of put to the side, you're
the threat, and then you startruminating and looking at every
category and All that otherstuff, really that, that
perspective piece, and trying toget people to, like, move from
(31:48):
that back into, like, the slowand the brick by brick, and
building a life. I'm doing this.
I'm doing this is, is I feellike one of the most valuable
tools I have for myself now. Andlike, I want to make sure my
kids have instilled in even myeldest this morning. I'm like,
brick bribe, brick buddy. Likethis is and and just calling out
(32:10):
and saying when he's talkingabout and then this thing, and
then this thing. And I'm like,when you're up here in the
future, that is evidence thatthere is fear going on, and
you're starting to grab thingsthat aren't necessarily like the
reality and the truth of likewhere you're at in this moment.
(32:31):
And he was really open andreceptive to that. But we need
people like that in our life.
Hey, you know what like, orderto take out food if you can,
yeah, like be you bewilling to be curious about what
does doing okay enough looklike, considering what's going
(32:53):
on right now for you and whenthat's not working as well,
getting curious again. Like,what does it look like to be
doing okay? Enough, right now.
And if you have space for anenergy for more than just doing
(33:13):
okay, enough. Like, great. Then,like, add something else, but
that, like, really thinkingabout how to be flexible in the
midst of transitions, and, youknow, overall, but definitely in
the midst of these transitions,being flexible about how you're
defining, you know, success andthriving and and whatever Like.
(33:39):
Because I think, like all thatinternal noise makes it really
hard to hear. What do I actuallyneed today? What I need today is
cereal for dinner, and I needto, like, go to bed and watch a
show on my phone and then put inearplugs and go to sleep. Well,
I can't hear that. If I'm like,oh, I need to have this and
this, and I need to do that, andI'm not slowing down. And I
(34:04):
think one thing about slowingdown, I feel like, I have to say
is, after doing SomaticExperiencing training, I have to
acknowledge that slowing downfor some people's body is
excruciating, yeah, and at aminimum, can be just like
uncomfortable. But for somepeople, it can feel repulsive,
(34:25):
it can feel impossible to slowdown, and that that is, you
know, something to pay attentionto. So obviously, we're not
saying, if you've not obviously,let me just say explicitly, if
you're feeling like slowing downis really hard, and it sounds
terrible to you, then findingways to do it that are tiny, so
(34:49):
finding those little bitty gapsof time where you can just kind
of feel into slowness, but likemomentarily, and get a little
taste of it. And. And like, letyourself be where you're at, but
noticing, oh, well, maybe Icould just excuse me. Maybe I
could just chew this moreslowly. Maybe I could not watch
(35:11):
this in two and a half timesspeed. Maybe, like, just more
slowly, like, not right, justtiny little things and
momentarily, like, let's sayyou're walking to your car.
Well, maybe five of the paces.
You just intentionally make thema little bit slower. You don't
need to, like, go, I'm walkingslow motion for the next also,
please, if you do that, reachout. I would love to hear about
(35:34):
it something I do. But like, youknow, can you drink your drink a
little bit more slowly. Like,are there little ways you can,
like, introduce slowness intoyour little ecosystem of your
body that don't feel threateningand and so uncomfortable that
you just say, I can't I'm notsomeone who's I don't slow down.
(35:55):
I can't slow down. Okay, well,you can build that muscle. I
promise you, you can, but yougot to do it slowly. You have to
be really gentle with yourselfabout it. So, yeah, I mean, I
think we've been talking alittle while. I feel like we
could keep going. But I thinkfor me, the takeaway here is to
(36:16):
kind of have that toolkit inmind of things I know about
certain transitions that happenin the life of my family and in
me personally, and just knowing,like, Oh, here's some things I
can do, like the cardinal rulesof transition times in our house
for me Right now is, like, slowway down, like low to no demand
(36:40):
and path of least resistance,like, if they want to eat mac
and cheese every night, thenthat's what we're having. If
they want to watch a show rightbefore bed, snuggled up next to
me, then that's what we'redoing. And I and I extend that
same to me, if I don't want towash my hair more than once a
(37:01):
week, then I'm not going to. AndI think we can move toward a
place of self compassion bytaking these small actions too.
It kind of was like that, yeah,I
think that's it's the same at myhouse too. And I want to echo
that, because when your kids aretransitioning back into school
(37:23):
there, there isn't the optionfor lowering demand in the
atmosphere, you know, maybe insmall ways here and there, they
can advocate, but that's a wholeother like conversation. But as
parents, what you can do isthey're acknowledged. They're
not broken. Their brains aretotally mush right now. And what
(37:47):
can I do at home to help them reresource themselves and to,
like, get those spoons back inand to feel rest rest, so they
have some capacity to meet thatdemand that inevitably they will
have tomorrow, that they don'thave as much control, and you
don't have as much control over,and then eventually you'll start
(38:09):
seeing, and you'll start hearingthe language of, like, more
capacity, like, Can we do this?
Or just like, I mean, you know,my middle son will not be laying
flat on the floor, you know,he'll be more of a spring in his
step, of like, hey, I want to goto taekwondo tonight, because he
really enjoys it, or whatever,and to not be afraid that this
is forever or that, you know,yeah, it just Yeah. That's that,
(38:35):
as a former teacher and parent,that's would be my number one
like experiment.
I think that is great advice forany big transition. I really do,
I think, like really seeingyourself, not as like someone
who's turned a corner and isnever going back, but to see
(38:58):
yourself in the actual contextof what's going on, and tend to
your body and to your soul in away that feels restful and
restorative and and be patientlike wait, it will change.
And trust yourself. And someways you can kind of lean into
(39:20):
that trust is to sometimesreminisce about when you've done
this before. Sometimes weforget, like, wow, I've done
some really hard stuff, someYeah, some really hard
transitions I have. And, youknow, it isn't forever,
yeah, and that's what the that'skind of what that stress
(39:41):
response wants us to believe.
Like, oh no, oh no. This islike, we should panic, we should
constrict. We should like, youknow, my kid's gonna fail. Like,
they're just, yeah, they can'tmanage this, like, they need
interventions and whatever. Andyou know what, maybe they do.
But. So let's get a clearerpicture of what accommodations
(40:02):
or what they may need. If it'smore than that, right? We want
to like, yeah,yeah, yeah. And I know I keep
going back to like, anysituation, because I feel like I
just not everyone is a parentand not as a metaphor. H kid
metaphor for I guess it'smetaphor. We should have said
(40:22):
that at the beginning. Think ofit as a metaphor. I do think
that like that's true in theworkplace, that's true in a new
relationship, that's true, youknow, where it can be really
easy to get it stuck in a loopof reactivity and just reacting
to what's happening, or what youthink is happening, and a little
bit of slowness will help you toto lean into a little bit of
(40:48):
slowness in these, like, higherstakes scenarios, if you're
practicing in these littleembodied ways, then when you
have this moment of like, ohgosh, This person at work gave
me really negative feedback.
You're building capacity forthat piece of unknown, of like,
(41:08):
how is this going to go? Well,maybe I could wait and see a
little bit of like, what arethey like the next time I
interact with them, before Istart spiraling into how they
hate me,right? Applying these different
skills to all different types oftransitions is an important
thing to remember. I wasthinking about marriage, and
just how long does it take to,like, really, like, negotiate
(41:29):
and like, know each other, andto like the iterations and all
of that stuff. And if you werein that beginning part, just,
well, this is never going tochange. This is never going to
go anywhere. Yeah, one wouldstay married, yeah, yeah, yeah.
(41:51):
I mean, it's just yeah, there'sand,
and obviously there are toxicpeople in toxic environments
where, you know, maybe you tooka new job and it's like all
signs pointing to disaster.
We're not saying don't respondto anything that you're noticing
if you're in a situation where,especially if you're not feeling
(42:13):
safe, but we're also saying thathaving a different relationship
to the process of, you know,integrating whatever the new
thing is, does take time. Andfor a lot of neurodivergent
people, and just people ingeneral, I think it can be
(42:35):
really hard to be patient forthings, for the dust to settle,
so to speak, and to actually beable to assess the situation.
Yeah, and I agree, and I thinkthat one of the hardest parts of
the patience part, I don't know,at least for me, is perspective.
(42:55):
When you have perspective, oryou have at least one other
person in your life, like, whenyou're getting that urgency, or
you're kind of going backwards,or whatever, can help you to
zoom out a little bit. It'sreally important. I think doing
this stuff completely inisolation, it is so much harder
sometimes to zoom out and tonot, like, fall into that sense
(43:18):
of urgency, because we're human.
I mean, I know for me, if I didnot have you guys, I mean, I
don't know how many decisions Iwould have made that, you know,
because we don't have to know.
That's the good news, yeah,that's the good news, yeah,
okay,I got I gotta go bye. Little
harsh transition. Sarah, yeah,I gotta go to bed.
(43:47):
I gotta go to bed. Love you.
I love you too. Bye, bye.
Elizabeth, Hello, we are the sleepy sisters. This is
Elizabeth brink, Sarah Durham,and today we're going to talk
about the hard of bigtransitions. Big transitions
make you sleepy.
Yes, they do.
It's like, one of the biggestcauses of sleepiness, I think,
(00:24):
I think so. And they're just allthe time. They're just the gift
that keeps on given. Yeah? Sowhat are some big transitions?
Like, let's just name some out.
Well, teachers back to school,kids back to school. Yes, new
job, yeah, going to college,yeah, um, marriage, kid, and
(00:51):
then once you become a parent,every transition they go
through, guess what you get togo through?
Yeah, yeah. And also, like,puberty, menopause, big, big
transitions,middle age, teenage, yeah. Like,
life, stage, life, stage, yeah,and seasons
of the year, seasons of theyear, yeah,
(01:14):
hold the time change if you'rein a place that does the time
change. Like, come onSunday scaries into Mondays,
yes, the new year,yeah, holidays, yeah, always
what we said, seasons,yeah, I guess that counts in
there.
Job loss,yeah, like the negative stuff,
right? Loss, yes, huge, hugetransition. I remember when mom
(01:39):
died, somebody saying somethingabout finding a new normal. It
made me angry, and I was like, Ido not want a new normal. And
how long is that going to take?
It was terrible thing to say.
Don't say that to somebodywho's i mean, i There are so
many things that made me angrythat people said when mom died,
that even now, yeah, we can doan episode. I'll do an episode
(02:03):
on that. WhatNot To Say, Yeah, after a death,
yeah. So, so, big transitions,really, monthly cycle. Okay,
come on, yeah, yeah. Pick one,yeah, all right, in our house,
we also have like transitionsaround, like, because, because
(02:25):
Cory and I both own our ownbusinesses. We also have like
seasonal shifts in how much workwe are doing that don't line up
with, like, the seasons of theyear, but it is, like, almost
cyclical, not always, but thereare these ebbs and flows where,
like, he'll have a huge tonamount of work, and it really
(02:47):
like stresses on us, and thenthings will be, like, really
slow. And I think for me, it's abit, it's a big transition on
him too. But it definitely likeI feel it when that shift
happens, yeah? So starting newthings, letting go of old
things, yeah. So I guesswe're not talking about every
(03:10):
type of transition, because Isaid monthly cycle, so because
we have, like, even day to dayinsight, oh, yeah, yeah, we're
talking about the big ones, thebig
ones, starting a new medication,going off a medication, you
know, starting any kind of newregimen or stopping a new thing,
right? Like all of that presentsthese challenges around coping.
(03:34):
Like having the capacity to copeis like, like, seriously
diminished by big transitions.
And I think a lot of peopleexperience transitions and don't
really, like, give them theirdue reference or whatever. Like,
(03:55):
you know, like, this is a bigdeal this is having a big
effect, and like acknowledgingthat it's affecting capacity in
all these, like, nuanced ways.
And it can just feel like, No,this is an exciting thing, or a
good thing, or, Oh, everybodygoes through this. And I just
(04:15):
think you can downplay it soeasily without acknowledging how
big of an impact it has on yourday to day functioning. For
sure, I think about, well, I wasthinking about two things. One,
your brain doesn't give you achoice, like, if it's new, it
has to integrate and process theinformation a certain way before
(04:36):
it becomes less work for it. Sowhether you think it should be
easy, or shouldn't require thismany spoons or whatever. Just
biologically that it's just kindof processed through the same
way and then goes to a differentpart of your brain once it kind
of knows it. And just dependingon what else is going on,
environmentally, like supportwise, everything, just. First,
(05:00):
it is such a big impact. I Thesecond thing I was thinking
about is I have a client whoyesterday, you know, she's a
teacher, and so we worked onsummer goals, and then now we're
shifting more to like becauseshe's transitioning back into
teaching. And was frustratedwith herself because she is just
like, I should be able to domore. I want to deep dive into
(05:23):
this other thing, but I've gotnothing. And I said, That's
because you just started a newjob. She was like, No, I did. I
said, Yeah, you did. Becausewhen you're a teacher, it's like
starting a new job every year,you often will have a different
room. She has a differentteaching partner. You've got new
kids, you've got newpersonality. She has a new boss.
I'm like, you may be in the samebuilding, but essentially, gosh,
(05:48):
I've never thought about thatfor the educators, like, yeah,
all those different elements,like, new requirements, new
systems, like, we have a new appthis year for communicating with
the staff, the change. It islike a whole new job.
It is. It's a lot, it's a lot,and no wonder you
used to go dark. We used to saythat Sarah, when she was
(06:12):
teaching Rebecca and I, ourother sister, would say, Sarah
goes dark until, like Halloween,maybe the school year, she stops
responding to our group, thread,text and and makes sense because
you've, like, started a new job.
I had not thought of it thatway. That's wild.
There's absolutely no brainpower left for I mean, you will
(06:34):
look at the text and you'll justbe like, I just know, like, it's
just a no. It's a big fat noinside and it seeps out your
pores. Oh, I mean, and, youknow, it's hard too, because
when you're a parent and yourkids are going through those
transitions, and you're ateacher, because it's like a
special, special, because we gothrough this every year, and
(06:57):
every year, most teachers I knowbeat themselves up for what they
can and can't accomplish duringthis time. I think forgetting,
because you're in the same job,the same building, you get a lot
of the same coworkers. It'slike, you forget, you forget how
much new so there's a lot ofshoulds surrounding you. And
then you go home, and if you gotlike me, you get a gaggle of
(07:19):
neurodivergent kids who are alsotransitioning. You know, when I
look back at those times, Imean, there is some sadness and,
like, guilt over like, wow.
Like, there were just times Ijust didn't have the capacity. I
remember my eldest saying to me,oh, you know, just when you're
teaching, it's annoying.
(07:40):
Basically, I mean, like, wasproud of me, but at the same
time was, like, you don't haveanything left. Yeah, yeah. And
he wasn't wrong. I mean, therewas a lot. I mean, it was, but
it it, it was only duringcertain times. But
unfortunately, some of thosetimes overlap, and, like, at the
end of the year, as everyone'stransitioning, oh yeah,
(08:01):
everyone's exhausted. And yeah,I just, I have such respect for
educators, and especiallyparents who are educators. And
yeah, layers, yeah. I,you know, I think about all the
different big like transitionsin the calendar that happen. If
you have school age kids, theyhappen. You know regularly, like
(08:25):
different school breaks, and inour house, these big transitions
have taken a lot to understandand, like, actually figure out
how to, like, proactively, like,help everyone cope. And it's
(08:46):
it's taken years to actually,like, understand and name, oh,
this is what's happening. Thereis this transition period when
the school year starts, whereeveryone is really depleted,
everyone's overstimulated,everyone's nervous systems are
buzzing and are in collapse. Andit is, it's like, ripe for
(09:12):
fights.
Oh yeah,the fighting, the fighting, and
it's like the tension is sopalpable yesterday. So this is
the first week of school for us,and yesterday both kids were
just kind of past their limit,exhausted and Corey, and I had
had busy days, and we weretired, and you could just feel
(09:34):
the tension in the house, likeif anyone looked actually just
looked at anyone, not evenlooked sideways or with a stink
eye, if you just looked in anyone particular direction, there
was the potential for like,explosive responses. And there
were some explosive responses.
(09:57):
And my instinct. Now is like, deescalate, de escalate. Chill,
calm, close the curtains,weighted blankets on everyone,
ice water in hand, like, that'sright. Rice Krispie treats like,
whatever you want, likeeverybody, just like, yes, be
comforted, right? And, and lastnight, Corey got frustrated and
(10:21):
tried to give some corrective inone of the kids. And, you know,
wasn't wrong with what he wassaying, but it just was like not
possible in the midst of thiskind of transition this week and
and so, like things exploded,and people had big feelings, and
(10:45):
it we came back down off of it.
We ended up having actually areally good night, but that was
such growth, like the beginningof the summer, when the kids
left school and were in camps,it was like every single night,
we were having enormousmeltdowns in our house, huge
stress, and I was justdetermined, like, I cannot have
(11:05):
another week like that in thesame calendar year. And this is
another big change. And so I dothink it helps that my kids are
in the same school this yearthey were last year, which is
kind of the first time that'shappened. But also I feel like
it's helped to be able tonotice, like, when to pick the
(11:27):
fight, right? Like, and that'slike, always helpful in
relationship with other peoplein any context, not just in
parenting, to like, choose yourbattles, as people would say,
but when you're in the midst ofa really big transition, it is
so critical to slow down. Andthe problem is often in these
(11:49):
big transitions, there's a lotof stressors that are pushing
you to speed up, and you reallyhave to slow down so that you
can preserve connection and keeppeople's nervous systems and
whole brains from like, youknow, short circuiting and
having an even harder time,right? Like, I think about the
(12:11):
somatic piece of it, of like,introducing even more stress,
even more constriction in thetissues of our bodies in the
midst of something that'salready stressful.
Yeah, it reminds me of, youknow, as an educator, as a
coach, how often you knowparents will come and when will
(12:34):
come, and they're, you know,kind of freaking out a little
bit because they're like,they're typically going to be
neurodivergent, like teens we'retalking about, or whatever. And
people want help because schoolstarts and things start falling
apart. And like, let's say, thelast year, everyone in the house
(12:55):
has really worked with their kidto do this and that, or
whatever. And you will see skillregression during this time
period when there's a bigtransition, because their brain
is taxed. And I always feellike, I mean, this is like, I
have to remind myself aboutthis. Like, yeah, had a family
(13:17):
member call me this week like,saying, hey, like, do we need
therapy? Does this personwhatever? And I'm always
thinking at this point now,like, let's just give it a beat.
Like, let's just hold on asecond. Let's lower demand.
Let's do all the things that wecan do to lower demand and and
(13:40):
comfort, as you said earlier, athome and like, let's revisit
this in a little bit, because ifyou're then going to add on
counseling or coaching, that isanother demand that's really
hard on their system. And a lotof times your kid or you, or
(14:01):
whatever you're going to comeback, you just need a minute to
reset. And I will say, withhaving three neurodivergent
children, the skill regression Isee the most is emotional
regulation. It is the piecethat's like, you know, you know,
yes, prioritizing things likethat. But I think the the core
(14:22):
of it is, like that somaticpiece that you're talking about,
that body piece of where it'slike my nervous system is
starting the, you know, theyhave sensitive nervous systems.
It's starting to registerthreat, because they're being
inundated without the control tosay, no more. Yeah,
yeah, right, yeah, yeah. Like,one of my kids this week at
(14:45):
bedtime was having a hard timeand just yelled out, I don't
have capacity. And it was like,love it capacity. And I'm like,
okay, it made me really proud.
And also I just was like, Thankyou for telling me I. So glad
you know that, what can we do?
Or, like, sometimes it's noteven a question. Sometimes it's
(15:05):
like, let's do this, right? I'mnot even like, do you want to do
this? It's more directive, like,Okay, let's go. And honestly, a
lot of times for us right now,it's putting on a show. And I
know there's, like, a lot ofconflicting information about
screens and shows and things,but I find that at least for my
(15:30):
kids in this season, when theyare really stretched during the
day, there is something thatenables them to kind of probably
dissociate a little bit from theoverwhelm by watching something.
And if we sit with them and aredoing some skin to skin, like
we're actually snuggling withthem, and if we are actually
(15:53):
watching it with them andresponding to what we're
watching, if we laugh at thethings that are funny, not
faking it, right, I find thatconnection gets reignited more
easily than if I'm like, comeon. Do you want to have mommy
time? Do you want to read abook? Let's do some art. Let's
go for a walk. Like, if I justalmost, like, sneak in and
(16:16):
connect with their body. Thensometimes the rest of them can
come, you know, with it, but Ido think that, you know, even as
I'm thinking of this story, andas you're talking about skill
regression, I'm just thinkingabout all the times in my life
when I've had These hugetransitions, relocating to
(16:39):
different states multiple times,and how spread thin I felt and
out of control. And that senseof being out of control and
having things happen to you is apart of trauma. And so for
anyone who has a history oftrauma, you might also be
(16:59):
triggered in some of thesetransitions by that sense of
powerlessness. So anything thatwe can do that, like reconnects
us with the present moment andwhat you do have control over
can sometimes help with what cankind of flood you when you're
feeling kind of stretched toofar and feeling a little bit out
of control? Yeah,oh my gosh, this is so I have,
(17:22):
well, I've got two kids who aregoing through major transitions.
The middle one just startedmiddle school and has really
just come home every day andjust in the dark, watches Harry
Potter something that he's seena million times. So it's,
there's been no new it's alllike rote, kind of watching
(17:46):
with, like a mix of, likecrunchy, sweet snacks that are
cold, you know, cold stuff. Andreally has just kind of moans,
like I'm just so tired. So we'vedone our best to lower demand.
And like, you know, he hasTaekwondo and baseball. So right
(18:06):
now, like, Taekwondo is, youknow, he enjoys it. It's not
like we're gonna, like,threaten, say, Oh, if you don't
go or whatever. It's like, Weknow, for this time period.
Like, it's not really in hislike, capacity, I guess, to do
it. And so then I'm thinkingabout my other my eldest, who is
(18:28):
moving to a new country andlanguage and starting grad
school and doing some right nowhe's doing this, like, prep
course, where it's, like, goingback to Calculus and linear
algebra and, like, thisdifferent stuff, which he took
(18:48):
in college a while ago, right?
But it's like this, and thenthere's, like, some programming
stuff, and it's all crammed in,like, these few weeks before he
goes. And he called me thismorning and he said, I am so
overwhelmed. I'm overwhelmedhearing, I know I was like,
(19:08):
what, most people wouldn't evenattempt that. But so it's like
and, but it's like this piecethat he wants to make sure that
he has, and we had already kindof talked through, like, what he
wanted his outcome to be. But inthe midst of it, you know, you
lose perspective, because thenthere's housekeeping, right?
It's like, where do I getgroceries? Where do I get
shampoo? You know what? Cafesare open? You know, his charger
(19:34):
broke for his laptop. Andthere's all these, shoulds
around, though, that list ofthings, right? But it's also
like, you don't know where thestores are. You don't you know?
I mean, it's all of these thingsthat we can shut ourselves to
death about how much we shouldbe able to access. And I'm like,
(19:54):
you may have to make a decisionabout how much, because the
class. Isn't actually required.
It's just something he feelslike would be optimal, right?
Yeah, and his bar is very highgifted much, yeah. And with the
giftedness too, like most giftedfolks, there's very low
(20:16):
capacity, very hot or very lowfrustration level with new
material, because so much newmaterial, people are able to
gifted folks are able to passthrough pretty quickly and
integrate, but then they'rehuman and they're not not
everything is going to be thatway. There's things that are
(20:38):
just harder concepts, and justtake whatever and, like, for
this one, he's teaching himselfthis, like, integrated court, I
know, because basically they'rereading the textbook on a video.
So he has to, you know,whatever, wow, but Right? And
it's like, I, you know, butlike, so hard on himself. And
I'm like, Can we zoom out for asecond, because this is bananas,
(21:00):
you know, I mean most people,but then there's, like, this
other stuff. So it's like, eventhough he's changed countries
before, and there was a musclethat's been starting to build,
and stuff like that, I thinksometimes when we go into these,
like big transitions, which ismost of life, there is parts of
us still there. There isexperience still there. And we
(21:24):
are so quick to put the shouldson ourselves, because we're
like, I just did this. I went toNewcastle. It shouldn't be that
hard. It shouldn't be that hard.
Like, I've done this before,like, yes, and that is
wonderful. It was also adifferent language. It was also
a different country. It was alsolike, you didn't have these
certain things you had to do.
But like, especially with giftedpeople, it's that common. I see
(21:49):
that common thread over and overwhere it's like, I because the
way they move through stuff withcontent and different things.
There's so there's so littleself compassion and grace when
they hit a snag or they hitsomething that's just harder and
just would require anyone moreeffort, right?
(22:16):
Yeah, yeah. Well, it's like thatwhole piece around just thinking
about my own relocations, likewhen I was 26 I moved to Boston,
and I knew someone there who hada car. It also was winter time
when I moved there, I did nothave a car, and I didn't live. I
lived like a little over a milefrom the T that the train and I,
(22:42):
I remember crying about, like,how to get to target, because I
grew up in the suburbs in Texas,so I'm like, where is the
Walmart and the target? Andlike, how do I get to the
grocery store? And I rememberjust being so exhausted, because
it wasn't just, oh, I have tofind this new place, and I have
to, I have to learn the bussystem. Busses, at least. Then
(23:06):
this was a long time ago inBoston, were not reliable, and
so I had to have all the rightgear to be standing outside in
the snow waiting for the bus,and then I had to know exactly
where to get off. And the busmaps on the website, don't tell
you that targets at this stopwhen you still have to be like,
(23:27):
kind of you know you gotta be.
And I'm like, by nature, I'mvery hot temperature wise. Like,
I have a lot of troubleregulating my body temperature,
and so I would like walk to theend of the street in all this
winter gear, and I would get onthese busses with the air
blowing, and I would besweating, like, taking off my
scarf, and it's wet, and like,just feeling like, oh my gosh,
(23:52):
why did I even take a shower?
Like it's summertime in Texas,based on how I looked, and then
you gotta walk, you know, ablock or so to the target. You
go in, you get stuff, and thenwhatever you buy, you have to
carry with you back onto the busand back up that hill where you
live. And it was just like itwas so much work. And I just, I
(24:17):
didn't anticipate it. And itwas, it was like, this tiny
little story, right? Like, I didnot go to Target again for a
very long time, until someonewith a car took me. But it was
just like, I'm going to beindependent, and I'm in this new
big city, and I'm excited, andthen I did this thing that,
like, wiped me out, and then Ihad to, like, go to work the
(24:37):
next day, which sounds a littledramatic, but for neurodivergent
folks, or anyone who has alreadylike a sensitive nervous system
that is vigilant or is justtaxed already, you know you're
going to hit limits a lotsooner. And so I didn't
(24:59):
understand. How to, like,preserve my capacity while
navigating, like, the newness ofthe change. And that has been
like, a theme of my life. Like,oh, big transition. I only
realized it after the fact, whenI'm like, in recovery mode. And,
gosh, wouldn't it be nice if Icould see these coming and,
(25:20):
like, be a little moreproactive, so that I, like, I
fare a little better throughthem. I
mean, I'm just thinking aboutthat time period too, like our
mom had just died, and, youknow, you were grieving. And I
think about which makes me thinkabout our season change every
year, where we forget that thisis the time that our bodies
(25:42):
start mourning, and, like, twoweeks after, we're like, Oh, why
am I so sad? Right? It's thetime your mom died. So it's
like, we also carry these, like,stories and these things in our
body too, that if we've had anydistance from them, that we
don't take into account rightduring these parts of the year.
I'm also thinking about when youmoved to Kansas City and, like,
(26:06):
you had a new baby, right? And,like, in this really deep
community, like rich communityin one place, and then you had
another one right away. Yeah,you think you'd be able to spot
these things, or maybe we did.
We're just like, we're gonna doit, yeah. I mean, there was a
desperation there. But yeah,yeah, my oldest was six and a
(26:29):
half months old. I think when wemoved to Kansas City, and they
are 16 months apart, and thatwas probably one of the hardest
I it's still, I mean, it waswhat, like almost seven years
ago, six years ago, I'm notsure, um, and it still is, like,
(26:51):
the hardest transition I thinkI've gone Through, other than
the death of a loved one. AndI'm like, is this true? I've had
so many hard transitions, evenjust like becoming a parent,
but, but this has been, like,this long process of, like,
(27:13):
really trying to build a life ina new place, and feeling like I
was not prepared at all to dothis in this season of life,
with a young kid and then withtwo young kids,
two babies. I mean, they were,yeah, it was so isolating
(27:34):
and exhausting and a very sadstretch of time of just feeling
like trapped at home, and when Isaid, Let's go
like, let's we didn't knowyou're a perimenopausal either.
No, I didn't,because you're right. I mean, I
didn't realize how ill equippedI was to cope with the
(27:56):
transition of moving here. And Ithink that that's also like the
way it goes a lot right, likeyou lose a job, or you lose a
person you love, or you anopportunity, and it it does
catch you off guard. And I thinkthat's that element of trauma
that that feeling like it'shappening to you and and I think
this is why I feel so stronglyabout people acknowledging when
(28:22):
they are in the midst of thesekind of big transitions, and
acknowledging them beyond, likethe day or week that they like
that pinpoint of time, you know,but seeing them as like a season
and not as a moment in time, Ithink, is really important,
because when we lose thatcontext of, oh, it's beginning
(28:42):
of the school year, oh, we aregrieving the loss of a loved
one, oh, we just moved here sixmonths ago, we lose the ability
to like, be compassionate towardourselves, and to really care
for ourselves In a gentle andkind way. I see this most with
clients who are coming out ofjobs where they have been, where
(29:05):
they are careers, and they areexperiencing burnout, and they
come into burn, you know, theyget to that burnout place they
leave these jobs, or they'refired from them, or whatever.
And this long, slow process ofhealing and making sense of this
transition out of this grindthat they were in for so long,
(29:32):
we could do a whole episode onthat. I mean, currently we
could,yeah, and so it's like, we need
compassion, and we also need to,like, acknowledge that even if
you didn't see it coming there,you're not powerless. There are
things you can do to soften theedges of a big transition. Yeah,
andself compassion is one of them,
and I will say, even in, evenwithin that acknowledging that
(29:55):
you also. To Be mindful thatyou're measuring a stick is
unique to you, and how long ittakes you to kind of integrate
this new information and figurethings out is cannot be compared
to other people and society willover and over, like with grief
and all of these other things,you know, covertly, overtly,
(30:19):
make comments and say things andgive messaging around like where
you should or shouldn't be. Andthis is like that perspective
piece, having people around youto like also remind you finding
practices and stuff that helpyou really remember what your
(30:39):
truth is around, like, whereyou're at and what you're going
through and all of that. I mean,I just who it ain't easy.
No, it's not. It's like, haveyour groceries delivered, order
takeout, like, go to bed early.
(31:00):
Do you know how many people Ihave, like client wise friends,
who are in the middle of somebig transition, and they are
still doing the dance of but Ialso should be making healthy
meals, and I also they're tryingto manage 10 different, like
categories of life that theyfeel like also listen, and I get
(31:22):
it, because I think that withkind of the work that I've done
with you, I have thisunderstanding of like, when
we're in that mode, the logic iskind of put to the side, you're
the threat, and then you startruminating and looking at every
category and All that otherstuff, really that, that
perspective piece, and trying toget people to, like, move from
(31:48):
that back into, like, the slowand the brick by brick, and
building a life. I'm doing this.
I'm doing this is, is I feellike one of the most valuable
tools I have for myself now. Andlike, I want to make sure my
kids have instilled in even myeldest this morning. I'm like,
brick bribe, brick buddy. Likethis is and and just calling out
(32:10):
and saying when he's talkingabout and then this thing, and
then this thing. And I'm like,when you're up here in the
future, that is evidence thatthere is fear going on, and
you're starting to grab thingsthat aren't necessarily like the
reality and the truth of likewhere you're at in this moment.
(32:31):
And he was really open andreceptive to that. But we need
people like that in our life.
Hey, you know what like, orderto take out food if you can,
yeah, like be you bewilling to be curious about what
does doing okay enough looklike, considering what's going
(32:53):
on right now for you and whenthat's not working as well,
getting curious again. Like,what does it look like to be
doing okay? Enough, right now.
And if you have space for anenergy for more than just doing
(33:13):
okay, enough. Like, great. Then,like, add something else, but
that, like, really thinkingabout how to be flexible in the
midst of transitions, and, youknow, overall, but definitely in
the midst of these transitions,being flexible about how you're
defining, you know, success andthriving and and whatever Like.
(33:39):
Because I think, like all thatinternal noise makes it really
hard to hear. What do I actuallyneed today? What I need today is
cereal for dinner, and I needto, like, go to bed and watch a
show on my phone and then put inearplugs and go to sleep. Well,
I can't hear that. If I'm like,oh, I need to have this and
this, and I need to do that, andI'm not slowing down. And I
(34:04):
think one thing about slowingdown, I feel like, I have to say
is, after doing SomaticExperiencing training, I have to
acknowledge that slowing downfor some people's body is
excruciating, yeah, and at aminimum, can be just like
uncomfortable. But for somepeople, it can feel repulsive,
(34:25):
it can feel impossible to slowdown, and that that is, you
know, something to pay attentionto. So obviously, we're not
saying, if you've not obviously,let me just say explicitly, if
you're feeling like slowing downis really hard, and it sounds
terrible to you, then findingways to do it that are tiny, so
(34:49):
finding those little bitty gapsof time where you can just kind
of feel into slowness, but likemomentarily, and get a little
taste of it. And. And like, letyourself be where you're at, but
noticing, oh, well, maybe Icould just excuse me. Maybe I
could just chew this moreslowly. Maybe I could not watch
(35:11):
this in two and a half timesspeed. Maybe, like, just more
slowly, like, not right, justtiny little things and
momentarily, like, let's sayyou're walking to your car.
Well, maybe five of the paces.
You just intentionally make thema little bit slower. You don't
need to, like, go, I'm walkingslow motion for the next also,
please, if you do that, reachout. I would love to hear about
(35:34):
it something I do. But like, youknow, can you drink your drink a
little bit more slowly. Like,are there little ways you can,
like, introduce slowness intoyour little ecosystem of your
body that don't feel threateningand and so uncomfortable that
you just say, I can't I'm notsomeone who's I don't slow down.
(35:55):
I can't slow down. Okay, well,you can build that muscle. I
promise you, you can, but yougot to do it slowly. You have to
be really gentle with yourselfabout it. So, yeah, I mean, I
think we've been talking alittle while. I feel like we
could keep going. But I thinkfor me, the takeaway here is to
(36:16):
kind of have that toolkit inmind of things I know about
certain transitions that happenin the life of my family and in
me personally, and just knowing,like, Oh, here's some things I
can do, like the cardinal rulesof transition times in our house
for me Right now is, like, slowway down, like low to no demand
(36:40):
and path of least resistance,like, if they want to eat mac
and cheese every night, thenthat's what we're having. If
they want to watch a show rightbefore bed, snuggled up next to
me, then that's what we'redoing. And I and I extend that
same to me, if I don't want towash my hair more than once a
(37:01):
week, then I'm not going to. AndI think we can move toward a
place of self compassion bytaking these small actions too.
It kind of was like that, yeah,I
think that's it's the same at myhouse too. And I want to echo
that, because when your kids aretransitioning back into school
(37:23):
there, there isn't the optionfor lowering demand in the
atmosphere, you know, maybe insmall ways here and there, they
can advocate, but that's a wholeother like conversation. But as
parents, what you can do isthey're acknowledged. They're
not broken. Their brains aretotally mush right now. And what
(37:47):
can I do at home to help them reresource themselves and to,
like, get those spoons back inand to feel rest rest, so they
have some capacity to meet thatdemand that inevitably they will
have tomorrow, that they don'thave as much control, and you
don't have as much control over,and then eventually you'll start
(38:09):
seeing, and you'll start hearingthe language of, like, more
capacity, like, Can we do this?
Or just like, I mean, you know,my middle son will not be laying
flat on the floor, you know,he'll be more of a spring in his
step, of like, hey, I want to goto taekwondo tonight, because he
really enjoys it, or whatever,and to not be afraid that this
is forever or that, you know,yeah, it just Yeah. That's that,
(38:35):
as a former teacher and parent,that's would be my number one
like experiment.
I think that is great advice forany big transition. I really do,
I think, like really seeingyourself, not as like someone
who's turned a corner and isnever going back, but to see
(38:58):
yourself in the actual contextof what's going on, and tend to
your body and to your soul in away that feels restful and
restorative and and be patientlike wait, it will change.
And trust yourself. And someways you can kind of lean into
(39:20):
that trust is to sometimesreminisce about when you've done
this before. Sometimes weforget, like, wow, I've done
some really hard stuff, someYeah, some really hard
transitions I have. And, youknow, it isn't forever,
yeah, and that's what the that'skind of what that stress
(39:41):
response wants us to believe.
Like, oh no, oh no. This islike, we should panic, we should
constrict. We should like, youknow, my kid's gonna fail. Like,
they're just, yeah, they can'tmanage this, like, they need
interventions and whatever. Andyou know what, maybe they do.
But. So let's get a clearerpicture of what accommodations
(40:02):
or what they may need. If it'smore than that, right? We want
to like, yeah,yeah, yeah. And I know I keep
going back to like, anysituation, because I feel like I
just not everyone is a parentand not as a metaphor. H kid
metaphor for I guess it'smetaphor. We should have said
(40:22):
that at the beginning. Think ofit as a metaphor. I do think
that like that's true in theworkplace, that's true in a new
relationship, that's true, youknow, where it can be really
easy to get it stuck in a loopof reactivity and just reacting
to what's happening, or what youthink is happening, and a little
bit of slowness will help you toto lean into a little bit of
(40:48):
slowness in these, like, higherstakes scenarios, if you're
practicing in these littleembodied ways, then when you
have this moment of like, ohgosh, This person at work gave
me really negative feedback.
You're building capacity forthat piece of unknown, of like,
(41:08):
how is this going to go? Well,maybe I could wait and see a
little bit of like, what arethey like the next time I
interact with them, before Istart spiraling into how they
hate me,right? Applying these different
skills to all different types oftransitions is an important
thing to remember. I wasthinking about marriage, and
just how long does it take to,like, really, like, negotiate
(41:29):
and like, know each other, andto like the iterations and all
of that stuff. And if you werein that beginning part, just,
well, this is never going tochange. This is never going to
go anywhere. Yeah, one wouldstay married, yeah, yeah, yeah.
(41:51):
I mean, it's just yeah, there'sand,
and obviously there are toxicpeople in toxic environments
where, you know, maybe you tooka new job and it's like all
signs pointing to disaster.
We're not saying don't respondto anything that you're noticing
if you're in a situation where,especially if you're not feeling
(42:13):
safe, but we're also saying thathaving a different relationship
to the process of, you know,integrating whatever the new
thing is, does take time. Andfor a lot of neurodivergent
people, and just people ingeneral, I think it can be
(42:35):
really hard to be patient forthings, for the dust to settle,
so to speak, and to actually beable to assess the situation.
Yeah, and I agree, and I thinkthat one of the hardest parts of
the patience part, I don't know,at least for me, is perspective.
(42:55):
When you have perspective, oryou have at least one other
person in your life, like, whenyou're getting that urgency, or
you're kind of going backwards,or whatever, can help you to
zoom out a little bit. It'sreally important. I think doing
this stuff completely inisolation, it is so much harder
sometimes to zoom out and tonot, like, fall into that sense
(43:18):
of urgency, because we're human.
I mean, I know for me, if I didnot have you guys, I mean, I
don't know how many decisions Iwould have made that, you know,
because we don't have to know.
That's the good news, yeah,that's the good news, yeah,
okay,I got I gotta go bye. Little
harsh transition. Sarah, yeah,I gotta go to bed.
(43:47):
I gotta go to bed. Love you.
I love you too. Bye, bye.
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