70: 5 Habits Healthy Couples Avoid

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Summary:
Jason shares five habits healthy couples avoid to maintain strong, connected relationships.

The Five Habits to Avoid:

1. Waking each other up to talk when upset—sleep first, discuss later.
2. Assuming your partner is trying to upset you—differences aren’t disrespect.
3. Expecting your partner to fix your anxiety—self-regulation is key.
4. Using distance or avoidance to calm anxiety—space is healthy only if it leads to reconnection.
5. Feeling entitled to sex—focus on intimacy, not demands.

Final Thought:
Healthy couples are intentional, self-aware, and patient with each other.

Link to Relationship Style Quiz

See it in blog form: 5 Things Healthy Couples Avoid

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Today I wanna talk about fivethings healthy couples avoid,
But first I'm going to introducethe show.
Welcome everyone.
This is solving disconnectionand creating connected
relationships for couples andparents.
My name is Jason Polk, and I'veworked this exclusively with
couples as a therapist and coachfor over 10 years.
On this podcast, I share myexperience professionally.

(00:22):
Personally and those of ouramazing guests.
Even the healthiest couplesdon't have perfect communication
or conflict free relationships.
What sets them apart is whatthey avoid.
They know which habits quietlyerode.
Trust, intimacy, and safetyavoidance, entitlement, or

(00:45):
emotional over-reliance on ourpartner can chip away at
connection over time.
Healthy couples don't strive toeliminate discomfort.
They learn to handle it withmaturity.
They practice restraint whenappropriate.
Self-soothe instead of react andrespect boundaries, theirs and

(01:06):
their partners.
I wanna share five thingsemotionally healthy couples
learn not to do, number one.
They don't wake each other up totalk when upset.
And I led with this one becauseit's fresh in my mind.
I had a client who said theirpartner woke'em up in the middle
of the night simply because theyfell asleep and didn't respond

(01:29):
to their texts.
Now, I guess there's one thingif you're checking on your
partner because you thinkthey're dead, but if you, see
them breathing.
From my perspective, I thinkit's best just to let'em sleep
and talk about it tomorrow.
And the reason why is because,you know, sleep is a self-care.
It restores perspective andhelps prevent unnecessary

(01:52):
escalation.
Healthy couples don't feelentitled to wake their partner
up unless it's an emergency.
And again, if you're upsetbecause your partner didn't text
back before bed.
It is better to manage thatanxiety or frustration on your
own first.
And as couples therapist, TerryReal, I always quote him, he

(02:15):
says, relationships are full ofmicro disappointments.
And a part of being andemotionally grounded partner is
learning to handle those momentswithout demanding immediate
repair.
From your partner.
And that's another thing, it'salmost like wake your partner up
and I demand us to fix thisright now.

(02:36):
And often, anytime we demand itdoesn't go over very well.
And here's another saying that Ishare with couples and I don't
think they particularly like it,and that is, as a saying, goes,
your partner didn't make youangry, you made yourself angry.
And that sort of ideal.

(02:56):
Is a sign of emotional maturityand it's not detachment.
Number two, they don't assumetheir partner is trying to upset
or dismiss them on purpose.
And this one shows up a lotaround clutter, chores,
routines.
It may sound like I've told youa hundred times to put your
shoes away.
Okay.

(03:17):
And if our partner doesn't doit, we can conclude you're not
doing it because you don'trespect me.
But often it's not really aboutrespect.
As a late therapist, David Snarobserved and couples.
Often different, not only inlibido, but in many types of

(03:39):
desire, including the desire fororder cleanliness or structure.
And for someone with A DHD, forexample, or a racing mind,
tidiness might simply not rankas high.
Healthy couples remindthemselves in different areas of
focus and attention.
Doesn't equal disrespect.

(04:00):
And it's almost like we can'tforce or demand our partner to
be more cleanly, if that's evena word.
Just as we can't demand or forceour partner to be intimate with
us.
And cleanliness is somethingthat we're gonna have to accept

(04:25):
and.
I strongly believe if they leftthe shoes in the hallway, it's
not because they don't respectyou, it's just not at the
priority of their mind.
And again, if someone has a DHD,they're thinking about so many
different things and not theirshoes being in the hall.

(04:48):
Number three, they don't expecttheir partner to fix their
anxiety.
And I've talked about attachmenttheory on this podcast before,
and we have differentrelationship styles.
We have a term, it's called waveor Wave ish, and essentially
what that is, you know, someonewho's wavish craves closeness

(05:09):
may often need reassurance.
In times of stress, and that's aquick definition.
And if you're interested inattachment theory, I invite you
to check out the relationshipstyle quiz, and I'll post it in
the show notes.
But believing our partner shouldalways soothe our anxiety sets
both people up fordisappointment and burnout.

(05:32):
Loneliness and disconnection area part of being human.
And being okay with thosefeelings doesn't mean we like
them.
It means knowing that they'renot fatal and they're a part of
life, and we can't expect ourpartner to always eradicate
those feelings.
Healthy couples takeresponsibility for their

(05:54):
emotional regulation, forexample, by breathing toward
their feelings, being with them.
Understanding their feelings,journaling about them, and also
remembering natural abundance.
Your peace and worth come fromwithin and they don't need your

(06:14):
partner's validation to exist.
Number four.
They also don't use distance oravoidance to calm anxiety.
And the other end of therelationship style spectrum are
those who tend to avoid or wecall islandish types and people
may pull away and kind of gowithin themselves in times of

(06:39):
stress and is a natural reflex.
Sometimes islandish people havethe assumption that silence or
time alone will fix everything.
Phrases like, can we just moveon?
It might make sense, but oftenit's kind of like, I don't want

(07:00):
to deal with this.
And so as a result, the partnerof the avoidant or the partner
of someone who has a tendency todo this feels invisible,
unheard.
And dismissed, and that is nevera good thing.
And healthy couples know thatspace or time apart is

(07:20):
definitely a good thing, and itis important, especially when we
can calm down and it leads torepair.
I always share the idea ofappropriate space.
Oftentimes we need space and weneed to calm down, but built
into the space is.
The agreement that partners aregoing to reconnect.

(07:41):
For example, an idea ofappropriate space is, Hey, I
need some time to myself afterthat.
Let's talk.
Number five.
They don't think they'reentitled to sex, and some
partners believe that beingmarried or in a long-term
relationship guarantees sexualaccess, but control never

(08:01):
fosters desire, or I would say.
Control and pressure neverfosters desire.
It kills it.
Instead of thinking, I deservesex, healthy couples ask, what
can I do to increase intimacy inour relationship?
They take ownership of theirpart, creating safety, warmth,

(08:24):
and connection rather thantrying to pressure.
For their partner to have moredesire towards them.
And healthy couples see sex asan expression of closeness and
not a demand to be met.
Generally desire grows fromfreedom, collaboration, and not

(08:44):
pressure.
So healthy couples don't gethealthy by being flawless.
Um, they get there by beingaware and intentional.
They look at their side of theseesaw and notice when they're
reacting, personalizing,withdrawing, and simply take a
breath, pause long enough tochoose something differently.

(09:05):
Choose something that will helpthe relationship.
Love isn't sustained by passionalone.
It's sustained by two peoplethat are willing to grow and be
patient together.
Thanks for listening.