September 18, 2024 • 29 mins
Have you ever felt responsible for someone else's happiness? In our latest podcast episode, we share a deeply personal journey through the labyrinth of codependency, starting with my marriage to an alcoholic. This pivotal experience opened my eyes to the unconscious behavior strategies that stem from childhood chaos and instability. Join us as we uncover how these patterns can significantly impact our emotional, energetic, and physical health, leading to issues like autoimmune disorders and chronic pain. We also explore the crucial role of awareness and mental health, and how professionals like massage therapists can help identify and address these deeply ingrained behaviors.
Whether you're struggling with codependency yourself or want to support a loved one, this episode offers invaluable insights and strategies for breaking the cycle and living a fulfilling, balanced life.
Are you ready to feel supported on your healing journey? The Soma Flow Library of Healing is now available. With a powerful meditations, hypnosis sessions and Superconscious Recodes to restructure your unconscious patterns, this is a must have tool to your journey back to you.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hello and welcome.
My name is Tabitha McDonald.
I'm an intuitive coach and ahealer.
I want to talk to you todayabout something that is really
important to me, and that is thetopic of codependency.
But before I begin I want toshare a little story with you.
(00:24):
I was married to an alcoholic,for I think we were married for
about seven years and I didn'tknow I was codependent.
I didn't even know what thatmeant, because how I perceived
the world was through the lensof codependency.
What that meant to me was if Icould get him sober, I can
(00:49):
finally feel safe.
And I know I've talked aboutthis before and I'll talk about
it again because I think it'sreally, really important,
because the pattern ofcodependency, the behaviors
associated with it, were mineand nobody else's.
And if I could give the gift offreedom to everybody on the
(01:09):
planet, it would be to be freeof any of your unconscious
patterns and behaviors thatyou're unaware of.
I think awareness is a verypowerful model, and a lot of us,
because we have our glasses onour perception of the world.
We don't really know that otherpeople might not see the world
that way, and I remember goingto Al-Anon like my very first
(01:32):
Al-Anon meeting.
Oh, this is great.
Kira was just born, my daughterand I knew I was in trouble
because my ex-husband starteddrinking again and he was lying.
I was in trouble because myex-husband started drinking
again and he was lying, and Icould feel this sense of like
panic and fear and just likemisery.
I felt powerless.
(01:53):
I was like this was my onechance to have a family and I
chose to have it with you.
And now you're ruining it forme and you're ruining it for my
daughter.
And now I'm going to relive mychildhood of growing up with an
active alcoholic in the home.
And that was my worst nightmareLike, I mean not my worst, but
at that time it was the worstone I knew about.
(02:15):
And I remember he would comehome smelling like alcohol and I
would fight with him and hewould say I didn't drink, it was
no duels or something like that.
And I knew he was lying and mygut was telling me he was lying,
but I wanted to believe him,but also I didn't trust myself
back then.
(02:35):
So why is this important rightnow?
I think the reason I reallywanted to bring it up and talk
about it today is because I'vehad a lot of people talking to
me about the election.
Now I choose not to watch thenews, not because I don't care
what's going on in the world,but because I value my mental
health way more than I careabout being up to date on all of
(02:56):
the stuff that's going on, andI get plenty of information from
the people that come in where Idon't really need to sit and
watch the news.
Now, our news, especially rightnow, is designed to keep us in
a state of fear, and when we'rein a state of fear, we're easier
to control because we're beingmore reactive and we're not
(03:19):
really aligning with our higherself.
Why does this have to do withcodependency?
Because if you have anycodependent strategies and
that's what I'm going to callthem, because I don't believe in
labeling people codependent ornarcissistic well, unless
they're actually diagnosed, Icall these like behavior
(03:40):
strategies.
They're strategies that wedeveloped when we were young in
order to cope with chaoticsituations.
It's much more than arelationship issue.
Codependency goes far beyondour romantic entanglements.
It's a deeply ingrained seriesof behaviors, beliefs and
(04:03):
emotional strategies that weredeveloped during childhood to
deal with chaos and instability.
These patterns are so embeddedin our psyche that we may not
even realize they're shaping ourreality.
Beneath the surface.
The codependent mindset carrieshidden beliefs about the world,
(04:24):
relationships and our role inthem.
These unconscious dynamicsdrain us emotionally,
energetically and spiritually,keeping us stuck in unhealthy
cycles that affect ourself-worth, relationships, our
health and success.
In fact, the health piece iswhat really started driving me
(04:47):
towards integrating the mind andmental and energetic healing
into my practice, because Iwould see these patterns of
people coming in with chronicpain that was really difficult
for them to solve.
And as I started talking tothem more and more, I noticed
very codependent languagepatterns and how they would
(05:10):
describe their lives.
And I can pick up on someonewho's, you know, in the throes
of being emotionally abused orwho has a pattern of trauma in
their history, only because ofmy own patterns right, like if
we can see in others what we can, what we others, what we have
in ourselves as well, and so I'mreally good at like picking
that up from people when theycome in.
(05:32):
And I noticed that people whohad unresolved trauma or were
raised in chaotic environmentswhere they weren't really
parented or, you know, they hademotionally immature parents
parented or they had emotionallyimmature parents they ended up
creating a series of strategieswhich often culminated in really
significant physical symptomslike Hashimoto's or other
(05:58):
autoimmune disorders, anythinglike fibromyalgia, chronic pain,
migraines, tension, headaches.
I'll talk more about that in aminute, but I kept seeing this
pattern over and over and overagain and I thought, wow, I
really need to learn how totreat this, because I might be
the only person they see, Imight be the only person who
(06:19):
notices this.
For them, this, as a massagetherapist, might be the only
place they come to for help, andthat's really why I started
expanding my knowledge andeducation and certifications,
because I feel like whereverpeople are coming in for help is
the first point of entry, andthe more education and support
that we have for anyone who'scoming in with a wounding, the
(06:42):
better equipped we are then, themore good we can do, especially
as massage therapists, becausepeople tend to unload in our
offices more than anywhere else.
Well that, hairdressers, let mesee.
I actually created a fun listHairdressers, massage therapists
, checkout clerks, coffeebaristas we're kind of like the
(07:04):
front line of therapy.
911 call operators we're theones who see people who probably
won't go in for other types oftreatment and care.
So, understanding all of thisand how to really be of service
to other people is kind of partof our unwritten job description
.
So back to codependency.
(07:25):
Why does any of this matter?
What if the lens through whichyou view the world is shaped by
patterns you didn't consciouslychoose?
Codependency creates adistorted view of relationships
where you feel obligated to give, of relationships where you
feel obligated to give fix orcare for others to feel loved or
(07:47):
valued.
Without realizing it, you maybelieve your role is to serve
even at the expense of your ownneeds, leaving you drained and
disconnected from your true self.
This is a really interestingpattern, because when we have
unconscious patterns, sometimeswe transfer them from one room
(08:10):
to the next.
I look at it like if you have abaggage, an issue with your,
your like too much clutter andwe're talking about emotional
clutter you might take it andput it in one room and move it
to the next and just keep movingit around.
And I noticed that with myintuition and my connection to
the universe.
(08:30):
Once I stopped the codependentpatterns in my relationships and
with my business, I startedtransferring it to the universe
Like it needed to go somewhere.
So I basically started notmaking decisions unless I felt
like I was fully supported bythe universe and my guides.
(08:51):
That is not operating from aplace of empowerment and free
will, because we live in aco-creative universe, so we do
not want to be in codependentrelationships or a disempowered
state in any area of our lives.
It really creates dysregulationin our nervous system and
unhealthy relationships andattachments.
(09:11):
So these hidden beliefs notonly impact your emotional
health, but physical body andyour spiritual energy, causing
chronic tension, burnout and afeeling that you're never quite
enough.
This matters because until weuncover and rewrite these
patterns, we can't step into thefullness of who we truly are or
(09:36):
live in alignment with oursoul's purpose.
So what's really going on here?
At the heart of codependency arehidden beliefs and unconscious
agendas that stem from earlychildhood experiences.
Here's how this might look.
We have hidden beliefs.
I am only lovable if I takecare of others.
(09:58):
My needs don't matter, I don'tmatter.
I have to make sure everyone isokay or I'll lose them.
Now it's not like thesethoughts are running around in
our head.
How they're showing up is inour behavior putting other
people's needs ahead of our own,not taking care of ourselves,
working to the point ofexhaustion, not asking for our
(10:22):
needs to be met or evenidentifying that we have needs
to begin with.
Can you relate to any of these?
I know that this was me formost of my life, but I didn't
know because it's how I alwayswas.
These beliefs create a view ofthe world where relationships
are transactional If I give,I'll receive love in return.
(10:46):
However, it often feels like nomatter how much you give, it's
never enough.
Can you relate to that?
Have you ever been in asituation where you just felt
like you weren't enough, or likenothing you did was enough,
like you could never be or doenough?
I know I have felt like that somany times in my life.
(11:10):
I still struggle with that,where it's like I get to the end
of the day and I think I justdidn't do enough.
I didn't get enough done.
I didn't, I didn't do enoughand I unfortunately still have
that script in my head.
But it's so much quieter andit's so much better than it used
to be and I really want you allto experience the same freedom,
(11:31):
because it is a much nicerplace.
When you hear it and you canjust say not anymore, I am
enough now and actually mean it,you might find yourself asking
questions throughout your day,your ego develops an agenda to
(11:51):
protect you from the pain offeeling unworthy.
It tricks you into believingthat your safety and self-worth
come from managing otherpeople's emotions.
As I started working withancestral trauma and working
with people who were told thatthey were here to resolve the
(12:12):
pain of their ancestors, Istarted seeing codependency
really play out in the world ofspirituality.
And a lot of people would saywell, I volunteered as tribute,
so I'm here to take on all of myancestors pain and I just want
to offer you that.
That is also another sign ofcodependency.
(12:34):
I remember saying that when Iwas on my spiritual healing
journey right after my, like,shamanic death, and now that I'm
looking back, I'm thinking, wow, that was just me transferring
codependency to past lives or toancestors or to anything else,
because it was still a way ofsaying my life didn't matter as
(12:55):
much as someone else's.
So if you find yourself askingquestions like how can I fix
this person or how can I makesure they're happy, I want you
to stop yourself for a moment,because when we think about that
, we're now takingresponsibility for their journey
(13:18):
, like it's our responsibility.
Moms, I know you do this.
I still do this with my kidsand I have to stop myself all of
the time.
It'll be like, oh man, if I canonly motivate my daughter
enough, she'll finally realizehow frigging brilliant she is
and step into the glory of whoshe is.
Or if I support my son enough,maybe he won't carry the same
(13:44):
female wound that his dad did.
And I know that thoseunconscious patterns are still
running in the background,except I'm more aware of them
now.
So let's talk about some of thebehaviors and some of the
emotions that might be linked tothis type of codependent
behavior, and I really want toreinforce we don't want to label
(14:06):
ourselves codependent.
We want to identify that theseare codependent strategies that
can be characterized by asimilar group of behaviors,
emotions and thought patterns,and that's all they are, is
strategies, which is great,because behaviors and strategies
can be changed as soon as wechoose to.
(14:28):
These beliefs and agendas leadto behaviors like people
pleasing, overextending yourselfand a fear of setting
boundaries.
Emotionally, codependence mayfeel anxiety, guilt and a
deep-seated fear of rejection orabandonment.
Every time you overgive or sayyes, when you mean no, you're
(14:52):
reinforcing the belief that yourneeds are secondary.
This emotional pattern createsa sense of powerlessness when
you feel stuck in the role ofgiver but rarely receive the
nurturing that you're craving.
Now I think sometimes we getinto the pattern of thinking
that codependency is mostly forwomen, but I have met just as
(15:15):
many codependent men or men withcodependent strategies as women
, and it's almost from my like,outside perspective and having,
you know, never been a man it'shard for them because they don't
seem to have the same supportor like vocalization around it
that women do.
(15:35):
I think, like traditionally wethink of females as being more
in the um, having morecodependent strategies and also
but men do too, and a lot of thetime that shows up like the
white knight syndrome, you know,the one who needs to be the
hero all of the time.
How does this affect usenergetically and spiritually?
(16:00):
Energetically, codependencydepletes your life force.
You're constantly giving,extending your energy outward to
others without replenishingyour own.
Well, you're giving from anempty cup and when you're giving
from an empty cup, you'recreating sickness in your body.
(16:23):
This leads to energeticimbalances in your body,
particularly in your solarplexus and your heart chakras.
The solar plexus, which governspersonal power and self-worth,
becomes weak or blocked when youplace others' needs above your
own.
The heart, chakra responsiblefor love and connection, can
(16:47):
become either overactive,overgiving or underactive,
feeling unloved or unworthy.
Have you ever been aroundsomeone who feels unlovable?
It breaks my heart when I'maround those people because I
remember being that person.
I remember being at TonyRobbins for the first time.
(17:08):
I went to Tony Robbins and wehad an experience where we had
to put our finger up our noseand tell another human being
that we just met our deepestfear.
And I remember I was standingthere, finger in my nose not
coming out of my face becauseit's a cry fest If you've never
been.
It's a cry fest.
And I was talking to this youngguy and I was screaming at the
(17:33):
top of my lungs that I feltcompletely unlovable and it
almost breaks my heart to thinkthat that's how I used to be.
But I also have so much respectfor the courageous journey of
healing.
I went on to make sure that Inow know I am completely lovable
and it's funny what happens toyou when you're standing there
(17:54):
yelling this out to a strangerwhile you're basically picking
your nose.
And I mean honestly.
It reset my entire nervoussystem around lovability.
Reset my entire nervous systemaround lovability and I no
longer struggle with feelingunlovable.
In fact, I actually don'tstruggle with that at all
(18:15):
anymore and I sometimes I don'teven realize what I don't
struggle with until I say it outloud and then I'm like, oh, I
don't struggle with unlovabilityanymore.
I love myself like a lot, andit's not like a ego, like, oh, I
just love myself.
You know, it's more of like.
I know I have a deep love andrespect for myself now in a way
where I didn't before, and I'mso grateful for that and I
(18:36):
wouldn't trade it for anything.
But back to my story.
So we're standing there fingersup our nose, screaming our
worst fear, and I remember himlooking at me, going you are so
lovable and it wasn't like, oh,I'm hitting on you kind of thing
, it was just from a genuineheart, divine place of one human
to another.
And I forget what his was.
(18:59):
I think it was unworthy.
He was carrying a lot of deepshame and I just looked at him
like this strong man who wasgoing to this event to improve
himself, so he could be a betterfather to his son and a better
husband to his wife, and Ithought, wow, I would have given
anything if my husband wouldhave done something like this
(19:19):
for me to be a better man in ourfamily and I mean, I can't
imagine anyone thinking thatthey were unworthy, being that
courageous to go on that kind ofjourney.
But we don't see ourselves inthat light.
That's why it's helpful, whenyou're around other people, to
like be able to see yourself theway that they see you,
(19:40):
especially in the beginning ofyour journey, because sometimes
we just have to borrow otherpeople's perceptions of
ourselves until we develop itfor ourselves.
So I want to help youunderstand some of the
codependent patterns that youmight have in your life that you
might not realize arecodependent.
Some of these include hiddenbeliefs that drive you to
(20:03):
overgive, or people please.
If you're exhausted at the endof the day because you gave too
much and you didn't fill yourcup up in return, chances are
you're dealing with somecodependent strategies.
Now, once in a while we doovergive in a day, but if you're
seeing this pattern coming backover and over again, we want to
explore that so you can startchanging some of those patterns
(20:25):
in your life.
Constant anxiety about howothers feel or think about you.
Do you ruminate after you go toa social event and wonder, oh
no, should I have said that?
Are you worried when you walkup to someone thinking about
what they're thinking about youand as you sit there and say,
(20:48):
doesn't everybody I'm going tooffer you no, not everybody.
So just hold that into yourmind, because I know I used to
and I no longer do.
I'm just standing in my ownsovereign authority over who I
am and people sometimes like meand probably sometimes they
don't, and it's not like itdoesn't.
(21:10):
It wouldn't hurt my feelings ifsomeone didn't like me, but I'm
not worried about it anymore.
It's not like it doesn't.
It wouldn't hurt my feelings ifsomeone didn't like me, but I'm
not worried about it anymore.
Difficulty saying no and feelingguilty when you set boundaries.
Have you ever had to say no tosomebody and it made you feel
sick to your stomach, like youjust felt like you were going to
die because you had to say no,that you couldn't help them or
you couldn't do the thing thatyou were asking, that they were
(21:31):
asking for help with.
That's a sign that you havesome coping strategies that are
aligned with codependency orinability to set boundaries.
This is really common withmassage therapists and other
healers is we have theseunconscious codependence coping
strategies, so we almost take onthe person's healing journey
(21:53):
like it's our own, like if wedon't come up with the solution,
then it's on us, and that's notreally creating a healthy
boundary, with puttingresponsibility back on the
person who's coming in fortreatment.
And also responsibility likeenergetic boundaries, like
that's really important theverbal boundaries, energetic
boundaries, physical boundariesAll of these are boundaries that
(22:16):
we need to learn about, a deepneed for external validation and
approval.
My coach got me on this one whenI met him in person the second
time when he came to America andwe did a five day and I kept
seeking external validation fromhim that I was doing it right.
And he did finally look at meand he said do you really need
(22:38):
me to tell you again that youknow what you're doing?
And I was crushed inside.
I felt like I was going to die.
I actually didn't get back onone of his calls for, I think,
three months and then I starteddoing my inner work.
I mean, I'm always doing myinner work, but I really thought
about that specifically andonce I got through to it I
(23:00):
realized he was a hundredpercent right.
I was still looking for someoneoutside of me to validate that
what I was doing was right andthat was an old pattern that I
still needed to shift, and I'mso grateful that he actually
jared it right out of me Feelingemotionally and physically
(23:22):
drained after interactions withpeople.
Sometimes we'll say that that'sbecause we're introverted, but I
want to question if that's yourintroversion or if you're
actually using codependentcoping strategies to get through
a situation and that's what'sdraining you.
So if you're feelingemotionally and physically
drained after you interact withcertain people, chances are
(23:42):
you're probably using someeither energetic codependent
coping strategies.
You're unaware of mentalcodependency strategies,
physical or even emotional.
So really take some time toexplore who am I interacting
with where I feel veryenergetically drained and
physically drained after Iinteract with them, and how can
(24:03):
I put up better boundaries tomake sure that my energy is
always protected?
Chronic pain and fatigue thatdoesn't seem to have a clear
cause.
This one is so important andthe whole reason I got into the
line of work that I do.
Chronic pain or fatigue is oneof the most common symptoms of
(24:29):
untreated coping mechanismsdealing with codependent
strategies.
If you have chronic pain or aheavy sense of fatigue, I really
want to invite you to look atsome of the strategies that you
have in your life.
Where are you handing yourpower away to other people,
(24:49):
other people's opinions, theirbehaviors and, more importantly,
their outcomes?
My power was constantly givenaway to my ex-husband's drinking
.
It was like if he gets sober,then I'll finally feel safe,
then I'll finally have thefamily I always dreamed of and
I'll finally have the validationthat I am worthy of a family, a
(25:10):
loving, healthy family.
And because he could never getsober, I tried and tried
everything in my power to helphim.
And you know what happened.
I made myself sick.
I was constantly strugglingwith obesity, with chronic pain.
My back would go out all of thetime.
I was always dissociated frommy life.
(25:31):
I would yell and I had all ofthese coping mechanisms that
just made me feel even worseabout myself than I even
imagined.
And my healing journey reallystarted with addressing my
codependency and I didn't have alot of understanding of how to
move past it.
I would sit in Al-Anon meetingsand I was like I don't want to
(25:54):
be here for the rest of my life,I don't want to be a
codependent, I don't want thatto be me.
And all I knew was that I hadto keep looking for the answer
and I did.
I found it Like a lot of thetools that I developed that I
use in my coaching program werethe tools that helped me break
the cycle of codependentstrategies in my life and helped
me make sure that my kids and Idon't also have codependent
(26:17):
relationships, because Icouldn't imagine my son and my
daughter growing up beingcodependent with me or me being
the codependent parent trying tocontrol them.
To me that sounded like ahorrible future for all of us
and that's why I made it like mypriority, because I think
sometimes like the intention isso beautiful to put our kids in
(26:40):
therapy to get them help, but ifwe really want to help our kids
, the most important person thatwe can heal is ourselves.
They follow quite quickly.
I hope this was helpful for youtoday because it really is
something that I'm verypassionate about and I love
educating people about.
Not because I think there'ssomething wrong with people who
(27:01):
have codependent strategies.
I just think that they'remaking you sick and you don't
know that there's an answer,that there's a way out of them.
And I have answers and I havestrategies to help you break
those cycles of codependency.
And here's the best part ofbreaking the cycle of
codependency.
People who have narcissisticcoping strategies and behaviors
(27:25):
no longer find you interestingbecause you no longer fit their
dysfunctional patterns.
So the real way to becomenarcissist proof is to do your
inner work and develop a healthy, secure attachment style.
Thank you so much for takingthe time to listen today.
My name is Tabitha McDonald andI am an intuitive coach and a
(27:47):
healer, and I am so happy to beof service to you on your
journey of healing and justbecoming aligned with who you
were always meant to be.
Have a great day.
Hello and welcome.
My name is Tabitha McDonald.
I'm an intuitive coach and ahealer.
I want to talk to you todayabout something that is really
important to me, and that is thetopic of codependency.
But before I begin I want toshare a little story with you.
(00:24):
I was married to an alcoholic,for I think we were married for
about seven years and I didn'tknow I was codependent.
I didn't even know what thatmeant, because how I perceived
the world was through the lensof codependency.
What that meant to me was if Icould get him sober, I can
(00:49):
finally feel safe.
And I know I've talked aboutthis before and I'll talk about
it again because I think it'sreally, really important,
because the pattern ofcodependency, the behaviors
associated with it, were mineand nobody else's.
And if I could give the gift offreedom to everybody on the
(01:09):
planet, it would be to be freeof any of your unconscious
patterns and behaviors thatyou're unaware of.
I think awareness is a verypowerful model, and a lot of us,
because we have our glasses onour perception of the world.
We don't really know that otherpeople might not see the world
that way, and I remember goingto Al-Anon like my very first
(01:32):
Al-Anon meeting.
Oh, this is great.
Kira was just born, my daughterand I knew I was in trouble
because my ex-husband starteddrinking again and he was lying.
I was in trouble because myex-husband started drinking
again and he was lying, and Icould feel this sense of like
panic and fear and just likemisery.
I felt powerless.
(01:53):
I was like this was my onechance to have a family and I
chose to have it with you.
And now you're ruining it forme and you're ruining it for my
daughter.
And now I'm going to relive mychildhood of growing up with an
active alcoholic in the home.
And that was my worst nightmareLike, I mean not my worst, but
at that time it was the worstone I knew about.
(02:15):
And I remember he would comehome smelling like alcohol and I
would fight with him and hewould say I didn't drink, it was
no duels or something like that.
And I knew he was lying and mygut was telling me he was lying,
but I wanted to believe him,but also I didn't trust myself
back then.
(02:35):
So why is this important rightnow?
I think the reason I reallywanted to bring it up and talk
about it today is because I'vehad a lot of people talking to
me about the election.
Now I choose not to watch thenews, not because I don't care
what's going on in the world,but because I value my mental
health way more than I careabout being up to date on all of
(02:56):
the stuff that's going on, andI get plenty of information from
the people that come in where Idon't really need to sit and
watch the news.
Now, our news, especially rightnow, is designed to keep us in
a state of fear, and when we'rein a state of fear, we're easier
to control because we're beingmore reactive and we're not
(03:19):
really aligning with our higherself.
Why does this have to do withcodependency?
Because if you have anycodependent strategies and
that's what I'm going to callthem, because I don't believe in
labeling people codependent ornarcissistic well, unless
they're actually diagnosed, Icall these like behavior
(03:40):
strategies.
They're strategies that wedeveloped when we were young in
order to cope with chaoticsituations.
It's much more than arelationship issue.
Codependency goes far beyondour romantic entanglements.
It's a deeply ingrained seriesof behaviors, beliefs and
(04:03):
emotional strategies that weredeveloped during childhood to
deal with chaos and instability.
These patterns are so embeddedin our psyche that we may not
even realize they're shaping ourreality.
Beneath the surface.
The codependent mindset carrieshidden beliefs about the world,
(04:24):
relationships and our role inthem.
These unconscious dynamicsdrain us emotionally,
energetically and spiritually,keeping us stuck in unhealthy
cycles that affect ourself-worth, relationships, our
health and success.
In fact, the health piece iswhat really started driving me
(04:47):
towards integrating the mind andmental and energetic healing
into my practice, because Iwould see these patterns of
people coming in with chronicpain that was really difficult
for them to solve.
And as I started talking tothem more and more, I noticed
very codependent languagepatterns and how they would
(05:10):
describe their lives.
And I can pick up on someonewho's, you know, in the throes
of being emotionally abused orwho has a pattern of trauma in
their history, only because ofmy own patterns right, like if
we can see in others what we can, what we others, what we have
in ourselves as well, and so I'mreally good at like picking
that up from people when theycome in.
(05:32):
And I noticed that people whohad unresolved trauma or were
raised in chaotic environmentswhere they weren't really
parented or, you know, they hademotionally immature parents
parented or they had emotionallyimmature parents they ended up
creating a series of strategieswhich often culminated in really
significant physical symptomslike Hashimoto's or other
(05:58):
autoimmune disorders, anythinglike fibromyalgia, chronic pain,
migraines, tension, headaches.
I'll talk more about that in aminute, but I kept seeing this
pattern over and over and overagain and I thought, wow, I
really need to learn how totreat this, because I might be
the only person they see, Imight be the only person who
(06:19):
notices this.
For them, this, as a massagetherapist, might be the only
place they come to for help, andthat's really why I started
expanding my knowledge andeducation and certifications,
because I feel like whereverpeople are coming in for help is
the first point of entry, andthe more education and support
that we have for anyone who'scoming in with a wounding, the
(06:42):
better equipped we are then, themore good we can do, especially
as massage therapists, becausepeople tend to unload in our
offices more than anywhere else.
Well that, hairdressers, let mesee.
I actually created a fun listHairdressers, massage therapists
, checkout clerks, coffeebaristas we're kind of like the
(07:04):
front line of therapy.
911 call operators we're theones who see people who probably
won't go in for other types oftreatment and care.
So, understanding all of thisand how to really be of service
to other people is kind of partof our unwritten job description
.
So back to codependency.
(07:25):
Why does any of this matter?
What if the lens through whichyou view the world is shaped by
patterns you didn't consciouslychoose?
Codependency creates adistorted view of relationships
where you feel obligated to give, of relationships where you
feel obligated to give fix orcare for others to feel loved or
(07:47):
valued.
Without realizing it, you maybelieve your role is to serve
even at the expense of your ownneeds, leaving you drained and
disconnected from your true self.
This is a really interestingpattern, because when we have
unconscious patterns, sometimeswe transfer them from one room
(08:10):
to the next.
I look at it like if you have abaggage, an issue with your,
your like too much clutter andwe're talking about emotional
clutter you might take it andput it in one room and move it
to the next and just keep movingit around.
And I noticed that with myintuition and my connection to
the universe.
(08:30):
Once I stopped the codependentpatterns in my relationships and
with my business, I startedtransferring it to the universe
Like it needed to go somewhere.
So I basically started notmaking decisions unless I felt
like I was fully supported bythe universe and my guides.
(08:51):
That is not operating from aplace of empowerment and free
will, because we live in aco-creative universe, so we do
not want to be in codependentrelationships or a disempowered
state in any area of our lives.
It really creates dysregulationin our nervous system and
unhealthy relationships andattachments.
(09:11):
So these hidden beliefs notonly impact your emotional
health, but physical body andyour spiritual energy, causing
chronic tension, burnout and afeeling that you're never quite
enough.
This matters because until weuncover and rewrite these
patterns, we can't step into thefullness of who we truly are or
(09:36):
live in alignment with oursoul's purpose.
So what's really going on here?
At the heart of codependency arehidden beliefs and unconscious
agendas that stem from earlychildhood experiences.
Here's how this might look.
We have hidden beliefs.
I am only lovable if I takecare of others.
(09:58):
My needs don't matter, I don'tmatter.
I have to make sure everyone isokay or I'll lose them.
Now it's not like thesethoughts are running around in
our head.
How they're showing up is inour behavior putting other
people's needs ahead of our own,not taking care of ourselves,
working to the point ofexhaustion, not asking for our
(10:22):
needs to be met or evenidentifying that we have needs
to begin with.
Can you relate to any of these?
I know that this was me formost of my life, but I didn't
know because it's how I alwayswas.
These beliefs create a view ofthe world where relationships
are transactional If I give,I'll receive love in return.
(10:46):
However, it often feels like nomatter how much you give, it's
never enough.
Can you relate to that?
Have you ever been in asituation where you just felt
like you weren't enough, or likenothing you did was enough,
like you could never be or doenough?
I know I have felt like that somany times in my life.
(11:10):
I still struggle with that,where it's like I get to the end
of the day and I think I justdidn't do enough.
I didn't get enough done.
I didn't, I didn't do enoughand I unfortunately still have
that script in my head.
But it's so much quieter andit's so much better than it used
to be and I really want you allto experience the same freedom,
(11:31):
because it is a much nicerplace.
When you hear it and you canjust say not anymore, I am
enough now and actually mean it,you might find yourself asking
questions throughout your day,your ego develops an agenda to
(11:51):
protect you from the pain offeeling unworthy.
It tricks you into believingthat your safety and self-worth
come from managing otherpeople's emotions.
As I started working withancestral trauma and working
with people who were told thatthey were here to resolve the
(12:12):
pain of their ancestors, Istarted seeing codependency
really play out in the world ofspirituality.
And a lot of people would saywell, I volunteered as tribute,
so I'm here to take on all of myancestors pain and I just want
to offer you that.
That is also another sign ofcodependency.
(12:34):
I remember saying that when Iwas on my spiritual healing
journey right after my, like,shamanic death, and now that I'm
looking back, I'm thinking, wow, that was just me transferring
codependency to past lives or toancestors or to anything else,
because it was still a way ofsaying my life didn't matter as
(12:55):
much as someone else's.
So if you find yourself askingquestions like how can I fix
this person or how can I makesure they're happy, I want you
to stop yourself for a moment,because when we think about that
, we're now takingresponsibility for their journey
(13:18):
, like it's our responsibility.
Moms, I know you do this.
I still do this with my kidsand I have to stop myself all of
the time.
It'll be like, oh man, if I canonly motivate my daughter
enough, she'll finally realizehow frigging brilliant she is
and step into the glory of whoshe is.
Or if I support my son enough,maybe he won't carry the same
(13:44):
female wound that his dad did.
And I know that thoseunconscious patterns are still
running in the background,except I'm more aware of them
now.
So let's talk about some of thebehaviors and some of the
emotions that might be linked tothis type of codependent
behavior, and I really want toreinforce we don't want to label
(14:06):
ourselves codependent.
We want to identify that theseare codependent strategies that
can be characterized by asimilar group of behaviors,
emotions and thought patterns,and that's all they are, is
strategies, which is great,because behaviors and strategies
can be changed as soon as wechoose to.
(14:28):
These beliefs and agendas leadto behaviors like people
pleasing, overextending yourselfand a fear of setting
boundaries.
Emotionally, codependence mayfeel anxiety, guilt and a
deep-seated fear of rejection orabandonment.
Every time you overgive or sayyes, when you mean no, you're
(14:52):
reinforcing the belief that yourneeds are secondary.
This emotional pattern createsa sense of powerlessness when
you feel stuck in the role ofgiver but rarely receive the
nurturing that you're craving.
Now I think sometimes we getinto the pattern of thinking
that codependency is mostly forwomen, but I have met just as
(15:15):
many codependent men or men withcodependent strategies as women
, and it's almost from my like,outside perspective and having,
you know, never been a man it'shard for them because they don't
seem to have the same supportor like vocalization around it
that women do.
(15:35):
I think, like traditionally wethink of females as being more
in the um, having morecodependent strategies and also
but men do too, and a lot of thetime that shows up like the
white knight syndrome, you know,the one who needs to be the
hero all of the time.
How does this affect usenergetically and spiritually?
(16:00):
Energetically, codependencydepletes your life force.
You're constantly giving,extending your energy outward to
others without replenishingyour own.
Well, you're giving from anempty cup and when you're giving
from an empty cup, you'recreating sickness in your body.
(16:23):
This leads to energeticimbalances in your body,
particularly in your solarplexus and your heart chakras.
The solar plexus, which governspersonal power and self-worth,
becomes weak or blocked when youplace others' needs above your
own.
The heart, chakra responsiblefor love and connection, can
(16:47):
become either overactive,overgiving or underactive,
feeling unloved or unworthy.
Have you ever been aroundsomeone who feels unlovable?
It breaks my heart when I'maround those people because I
remember being that person.
I remember being at TonyRobbins for the first time.
(17:08):
I went to Tony Robbins and wehad an experience where we had
to put our finger up our noseand tell another human being
that we just met our deepestfear.
And I remember I was standingthere, finger in my nose not
coming out of my face becauseit's a cry fest If you've never
been.
It's a cry fest.
And I was talking to this youngguy and I was screaming at the
(17:33):
top of my lungs that I feltcompletely unlovable and it
almost breaks my heart to thinkthat that's how I used to be.
But I also have so much respectfor the courageous journey of
healing.
I went on to make sure that Inow know I am completely lovable
and it's funny what happens toyou when you're standing there
(17:54):
yelling this out to a strangerwhile you're basically picking
your nose.
And I mean honestly.
It reset my entire nervoussystem around lovability.
Reset my entire nervous systemaround lovability and I no
longer struggle with feelingunlovable.
In fact, I actually don'tstruggle with that at all
(18:15):
anymore and I sometimes I don'teven realize what I don't
struggle with until I say it outloud and then I'm like, oh, I
don't struggle with unlovabilityanymore.
I love myself like a lot, andit's not like a ego, like, oh, I
just love myself.
You know, it's more of like.
I know I have a deep love andrespect for myself now in a way
where I didn't before, and I'mso grateful for that and I
(18:36):
wouldn't trade it for anything.
But back to my story.
So we're standing there fingersup our nose, screaming our
worst fear, and I remember himlooking at me, going you are so
lovable and it wasn't like, oh,I'm hitting on you kind of thing
, it was just from a genuineheart, divine place of one human
to another.
And I forget what his was.
(18:59):
I think it was unworthy.
He was carrying a lot of deepshame and I just looked at him
like this strong man who wasgoing to this event to improve
himself, so he could be a betterfather to his son and a better
husband to his wife, and Ithought, wow, I would have given
anything if my husband wouldhave done something like this
(19:19):
for me to be a better man in ourfamily and I mean, I can't
imagine anyone thinking thatthey were unworthy, being that
courageous to go on that kind ofjourney.
But we don't see ourselves inthat light.
That's why it's helpful, whenyou're around other people, to
like be able to see yourself theway that they see you,
(19:40):
especially in the beginning ofyour journey, because sometimes
we just have to borrow otherpeople's perceptions of
ourselves until we develop itfor ourselves.
So I want to help youunderstand some of the
codependent patterns that youmight have in your life that you
might not realize arecodependent.
Some of these include hiddenbeliefs that drive you to
(20:03):
overgive, or people please.
If you're exhausted at the endof the day because you gave too
much and you didn't fill yourcup up in return, chances are
you're dealing with somecodependent strategies.
Now, once in a while we doovergive in a day, but if you're
seeing this pattern coming backover and over again, we want to
explore that so you can startchanging some of those patterns
(20:25):
in your life.
Constant anxiety about howothers feel or think about you.
Do you ruminate after you go toa social event and wonder, oh
no, should I have said that?
Are you worried when you walkup to someone thinking about
what they're thinking about youand as you sit there and say,
(20:48):
doesn't everybody I'm going tooffer you no, not everybody.
So just hold that into yourmind, because I know I used to
and I no longer do.
I'm just standing in my ownsovereign authority over who I
am and people sometimes like meand probably sometimes they
don't, and it's not like itdoesn't.
(21:10):
It wouldn't hurt my feelings ifsomeone didn't like me, but I'm
not worried about it anymore.
It's not like it doesn't.
It wouldn't hurt my feelings ifsomeone didn't like me, but I'm
not worried about it anymore.
Difficulty saying no and feelingguilty when you set boundaries.
Have you ever had to say no tosomebody and it made you feel
sick to your stomach, like youjust felt like you were going to
die because you had to say no,that you couldn't help them or
you couldn't do the thing thatyou were asking, that they were
(21:31):
asking for help with.
That's a sign that you havesome coping strategies that are
aligned with codependency orinability to set boundaries.
This is really common withmassage therapists and other
healers is we have theseunconscious codependence coping
strategies, so we almost take onthe person's healing journey
(21:53):
like it's our own, like if wedon't come up with the solution,
then it's on us, and that's notreally creating a healthy
boundary, with puttingresponsibility back on the
person who's coming in fortreatment.
And also responsibility likeenergetic boundaries, like
that's really important theverbal boundaries, energetic
boundaries, physical boundariesAll of these are boundaries that
(22:16):
we need to learn about, a deepneed for external validation and
approval.
My coach got me on this one whenI met him in person the second
time when he came to America andwe did a five day and I kept
seeking external validation fromhim that I was doing it right.
And he did finally look at meand he said do you really need
(22:38):
me to tell you again that youknow what you're doing?
And I was crushed inside.
I felt like I was going to die.
I actually didn't get back onone of his calls for, I think,
three months and then I starteddoing my inner work.
I mean, I'm always doing myinner work, but I really thought
about that specifically andonce I got through to it I
(23:00):
realized he was a hundredpercent right.
I was still looking for someoneoutside of me to validate that
what I was doing was right andthat was an old pattern that I
still needed to shift, and I'mso grateful that he actually
jared it right out of me Feelingemotionally and physically
(23:22):
drained after interactions withpeople.
Sometimes we'll say that that'sbecause we're introverted, but I
want to question if that's yourintroversion or if you're
actually using codependentcoping strategies to get through
a situation and that's what'sdraining you.
So if you're feelingemotionally and physically
drained after you interact withcertain people, chances are
(23:42):
you're probably using someeither energetic codependent
coping strategies.
You're unaware of mentalcodependency strategies,
physical or even emotional.
So really take some time toexplore who am I interacting
with where I feel veryenergetically drained and
physically drained after Iinteract with them, and how can
(24:03):
I put up better boundaries tomake sure that my energy is
always protected?
Chronic pain and fatigue thatdoesn't seem to have a clear
cause.
This one is so important andthe whole reason I got into the
line of work that I do.
Chronic pain or fatigue is oneof the most common symptoms of
(24:29):
untreated coping mechanismsdealing with codependent
strategies.
If you have chronic pain or aheavy sense of fatigue, I really
want to invite you to look atsome of the strategies that you
have in your life.
Where are you handing yourpower away to other people,
(24:49):
other people's opinions, theirbehaviors and, more importantly,
their outcomes?
My power was constantly givenaway to my ex-husband's drinking
.
It was like if he gets sober,then I'll finally feel safe,
then I'll finally have thefamily I always dreamed of and
I'll finally have the validationthat I am worthy of a family, a
(25:10):
loving, healthy family.
And because he could never getsober, I tried and tried
everything in my power to helphim.
And you know what happened.
I made myself sick.
I was constantly strugglingwith obesity, with chronic pain.
My back would go out all of thetime.
I was always dissociated frommy life.
(25:31):
I would yell and I had all ofthese coping mechanisms that
just made me feel even worseabout myself than I even
imagined.
And my healing journey reallystarted with addressing my
codependency and I didn't have alot of understanding of how to
move past it.
I would sit in Al-Anon meetingsand I was like I don't want to
(25:54):
be here for the rest of my life,I don't want to be a
codependent, I don't want thatto be me.
And all I knew was that I hadto keep looking for the answer
and I did.
I found it Like a lot of thetools that I developed that I
use in my coaching program werethe tools that helped me break
the cycle of codependentstrategies in my life and helped
me make sure that my kids and Idon't also have codependent
(26:17):
relationships, because Icouldn't imagine my son and my
daughter growing up beingcodependent with me or me being
the codependent parent trying tocontrol them.
To me that sounded like ahorrible future for all of us
and that's why I made it like mypriority, because I think
sometimes like the intention isso beautiful to put our kids in
(26:40):
therapy to get them help, but ifwe really want to help our kids
, the most important person thatwe can heal is ourselves.
They follow quite quickly.
I hope this was helpful for youtoday because it really is
something that I'm verypassionate about and I love
educating people about.
Not because I think there'ssomething wrong with people who
(27:01):
have codependent strategies.
I just think that they'remaking you sick and you don't
know that there's an answer,that there's a way out of them.
And I have answers and I havestrategies to help you break
those cycles of codependency.
And here's the best part ofbreaking the cycle of
codependency.
People who have narcissisticcoping strategies and behaviors
(27:25):
no longer find you interestingbecause you no longer fit their
dysfunctional patterns.
So the real way to becomenarcissist proof is to do your
inner work and develop a healthy, secure attachment style.
Thank you so much for takingthe time to listen today.
My name is Tabitha McDonald andI am an intuitive coach and a
(27:47):
healer, and I am so happy to beof service to you on your
journey of healing and justbecoming aligned with who you
were always meant to be.
Have a great day.
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