April 18, 2025 • 32 mins
This episode dives deep into the struggle of confronting the inner critic and its impact on self-perception and weight loss. Through personal anecdotes and healing strategies, we explore the connection between trauma, body image, and the importance of integrating our inner voices for personal growth.
• Discussing the inner critic and its influence on self-worth
• Reflecting on a personal weight loss journey and its challenges
• Exploring the link between unresolved trauma and body image
• Highlighting the importance of shadow work in healing
• Sharing insights on navigating criticism in a social media age
• Encouraging listeners to engage with their own inner voices
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello and welcome to the Selma Flow podcast.
My name is Tabitha McDonald.
I am an intuitive coach, a bodyworker, a healer and just a
human being trying to getthrough the chaos of change.
I took a break from my podcastbecause I realized that I let my
(00:23):
inner critic get in the way ofcreating, and that's actually
what the topic of today'spodcast is is about your own
inner critic and how to workwith it.
When I went on my healingjourney and I would say 2021, I
(00:44):
went like all in.
I was like I'm done with all ofmy demons and my shadows and
the things that hold me back,and it was.
I remember the day.
It was 12, 21, 21.
And I don't know 12, 21, 20,.
I wrote this like declarationto the universe that I was done
(01:04):
being a slave to my past, andlittle did I know it was going
to take me on a wild ride.
But that's not what I want totalk about today.
I want to talk about my recentexperience with my inner critic,
mostly because she has been apain in my ass lately.
(01:24):
But I didn't even know she wasbeing a pain in the ass, because
I was so unaccustomed tolistening to her that I just
simply was suppressing andignoring her.
Let me tell you about mydiscovery because I think a lot
of us really struggle with aninner critic that has a way of
(01:48):
manipulating and lying to us andkeeping us playing small and
also makes us believe that we'reless than we are.
And when we're looking at likethe Enneagram of personality,
that's the Enneagram.
I talk about it a lot my arrowin time of stress points to the
(02:10):
one which is literally thecritic.
It's the perfectionist.
Their shadow is the innercritic and hypercriticism.
And when I started doing myshadow work, I had kind of
worked through the type onepersonality and actually I just
stopped using that arrow point,which was organization,
(02:32):
structure, getting things donein a very like, you know, linear
way.
That's basically the gift ofthe type one is perfectionism,
order and structure.
And when I really started goingthrough my healing journey, I
just decided not to use thatpart of my brain anymore because
(02:53):
it was where a lot of my traumawas housed and it was also just
a part of me that I reallydisliked.
So over the last few years, asI've been working with my
intuition and strengthening it,I really haven't wanted to pull
up that part of me to makeprogress, to measure metrics, to
(03:15):
get things done.
And now I can see why it'sbecause she's kind of mean and I
really didn't want to deal withher.
So in the beginning of January,I decided that this is the year
I'm going to take off the restof the weight.
When I first started my weightloss journey, I was over 300
(03:36):
pounds.
307 pounds to be exact was theheaviest I ever weighed on May
14th 2008.
2016,.
I remember it was April, Ithink April 12th.
I walked into Weight Watchersand I was like this is the last,
first time I'm coming back toWeight Watchers.
And I weighed in at 280.
(03:57):
At that time I was in a lot ofpain.
I could barely walk.
I had plantar fasciitis.
I was, oh, I was trying to date.
It was so horrible.
I was on the dating apps andguys were so mean and I thought,
okay, well, if I could loseweight, then I could find a
partner.
I mean I think a lot of peoplethink that Little did.
(04:18):
I know that was not the answerto love.
So here I am.
It was April 12th 2016.
I walk in to Weight Watchers, Iweigh in and I'm like, okay,
this is, this is good, it'll bethe last first time I go back to
Weight Watchers.
And I mean I did pretty good.
I got down I want to say toabout 227 or something like
(04:44):
slowly, gradually made my waydown and followed the point
system.
It worked until it didn't.
And then I got introduced intocoaching and it was a current
Crabtree's program and it wasall about mindset and it was
really the first time I hadreally heard about mindset and
(05:05):
weight loss and how we reallyneeded to shift the way that we
were thinking about things.
And that was a program that Idid and it helped me through a
lot of trauma, but it stillwasn't getting to the core of
the issue, which was really anidentity level issue around body
(05:26):
image and weight.
And as I started workingthrough that one and coming up
against these like unbreakablewalls, I really started doing a
different look at things and Imean I try.
(05:47):
When I counted them, I thinkI've done over 70 diet programs
and I think that was generous.
And it wasn't until I did thisyoga class to manifest that I
just wanted to drop 30 poundsand I was like this is what I
want to manifest.
I'm going to try themanifesting techniques for
(06:09):
weight loss.
And I remember in the classwhen we opened up our root
chakra and this okay, this isbefore I knew what chakras were.
This is before I was intoenergy work.
This is before I liked thewoo-woo stuff.
Like this is when I was very,very science-y based and hated I
liked the woo-woo stuff.
Like this is when I was very,very science-y based and hated
all of the woo-woo stuff.
But I wanted to give it a trybecause I was pretty desperate.
(06:32):
I remember sitting in the classand we did this root chakra
opening and I had a vision andit was me and I was very thin
and fit and I was wearing thislike white linen dress.
It was very sophisticated and Iwas welcoming people to a very
unique wellness experience andI'm not going to say a wellness
(06:55):
center, it was a wellnessexperience and it kind of
freaked me out a little becauseI was like the boss.
I was like the CEO, head ladyperson who was in charge of it,
and this vision was so real andso beyond anything I ever
thought I was capable of that.
(07:17):
It actually kind of like got meexcited but then also sent me
on a journey that I didn'treally know I was going to go on
and I started studying traumaand the impact of unprocessed
trauma on our body and ouridentity level beliefs about
ourselves.
And it was during a meditationthat I realized I had
(07:44):
unprocessed sexual trauma thatwas getting in the way of my
weight loss.
That it wasn't about findinganother diet program or figuring
out why my metabolism was slowor cortisol, any of it.
It was weight related to sexualtrauma, specifically during
childhood.
(08:04):
Weight, uh, related to sexualtrauma specifically during
childhood.
And it sent me on an even morehorrible journey of really
taking an honest look at all ofthe things I had rewritten about
my childhood um into a positiveHello social.
Seven on the Enneagram.
You can look them up.
We tend to do that on the fly,which is one of our biggest
challenges.
Everyone thinks it's a gift.
(08:25):
I think it's probably thebiggest pain in the ass coping
skill on the planet, because wedon't actually spot red flags,
we turn them into green ones.
So that's a whole notherpodcast episode.
But back to the body stuff.
What I realized was that Ithink when I did the research
(08:47):
the last time and I could bewrong on the numbers here
because I haven't looked them uprecently, but it said something
like one in four women haveexperienced sexual trauma in
their lifetime and I thinkthat's what they've reported and
that over half of the peoplewho are struggling with obesity
issues are struggling withtrauma.
(09:10):
And those numbers, in my mind,were astonishing, because that
means this global epidemic ofobesity is actually a global
epidemic of trauma that has beenunprocessed and basically
unresolved.
And I realize now, like lookingback, that like my heavy body
(09:33):
was a way of keeping myself safeand protected and cocooned from
, you know, being attractive topeople and also warding off
future sexual assault, basically, and that's a horrible way to
live and I'm just going to saythat because we can have a whole
(09:57):
body positivity movement andI'm going off on a little bit of
a tangent here.
However, the statistics of theimpact on our overall health,
confidence and well-being aboutcarrying excess weight are real.
I know because I work on peopleall of the time as a body
(10:17):
worker who have excess bodyweight and I see the impact on
their joints and I see theimpact on their brain health.
I mean you can look up thestudies, the impact on our
ability to concentrate, tocomplete tasks all of those
things is greatly impacted withcarrying excess adipose tissue
(10:39):
or fat on our bodies Now andgoing through the journey of
really uncovering all of thattrauma and coming up with
strategies and tools to processthrough trauma probably faster
than the average bear.
I'm grateful because now I haveoh my gosh, amazing tools to
(11:01):
self-regulate and I use themwith my clients who are also
recovering from trauma.
Even though I don't considermyself a trauma specialist, I do
have the tools there to helppeople when they come in,
because you know, I don't carewhat industry you work in, if
you're cutting hair or servingsomebody at a bar, you're going
to work with people who are intrauma, because that's where
(11:22):
people might it might slip out.
So I'll just say that,especially in the field of
massage, we should all be traumainformed and trained, because
when you're touching andengaging with a person's body,
you might activate old parts ortrauma memories that they don't
even know that they have.
So you know, when I started thejourney down trauma, it was
(11:47):
really actually to help myclients and little did I know it
was mostly to help myself,which I think is the journey of
a lot of healers on how we getinto the world of healing is,
you know, wanting to resolve itfor others and then realizing
you were really resolving it foryourself the whole time.
So that was my, that's been myjourney, and every year I set
(12:13):
out a new goal to continue on myweight loss and health journey.
And every year somehow I fuckit up, and I don't mean that in
a way that's mean or negativeagainst myself, because every
year I've gone through deeperlayers of trauma that I've had
to work through, or unconsciousprogramming, or deeper layers of
(12:33):
healing that just needed tohappen.
And I can see now that when mytrauma was like at its worst and
I had the least amount of tools, I used to dissociate a lot and
I wasn't really present.
And it was a pretty scary timefor me because my brain was the
(12:54):
thing that I loved the most andit was the thing I didn't have
access to, because every time Itried to access, you know, the
sciency part of my brain or thelinear part of my brain, my left
brain, a new trauma memorywould come up that I'd have to
deal with.
And it was so annoying.
It was like God, this again,really, this again.
(13:15):
And you know, for those of youwho've braved the journey of
healing your trauma, I know youknow what I'm talking about.
It can be exhausting andsometimes, like I know you know
what I'm talking about, it's itcan be exhausting and sometimes,
like I remember I wrote in myjournal, like I sometimes just
wish I could go back and notstart the journey.
And I know that that's nottotally true because for the
(13:38):
first time in my whole life, I'mme, like, I am very me, I'm
very authentic.
Um, I could give two fucksabout people liking me or not.
And that's not totally truebecause I do care.
I'm just more.
I'm more of a loner than I usedto be.
I'm not really codependent.
I don't like gauge whether ornot I'm safe based on whether or
(14:02):
not people see me or like me.
In fact, sometimes I preferjust to have the quiet of my own
space so that I'm not worriedabout those things.
I might have just contradictedmyself completely.
I don't know, but I digress.
So why am I talking about all ofthis and the inner critic?
(14:24):
So when my intuition told methat this is the year that I
need to stop dreaming and startdoing, I had a lot of
reservations about that, becauseI was really worried about my
inner critic coming up, my typeone, because I knew I'd have to
pull on that superpower.
The type one, the organizationstructure, looking for better
(14:49):
systems and tracking things,metrics, you know stuff I've
been avoiding.
I knew I'd need to call on herand I also knew that her and I
don't have the best historytogether.
So the first month was great,like I was doing great.
It was like, oh, this is whatendorphins feel like.
(15:11):
I was at Orange Theory and I,you know exercising and I had
like the people there and I wasmaking friends and I was
remembering what it felt like tohave a coach tear you on and
say good job and pat you on theback and you know to do like a
mile and to gauge it and notjudge yourself but just to use
it as a measurement, a unit ofmeasurement, those types of
(15:33):
things.
I started feeling really goodand I would leave and I would
cry, not because I was upset butbecause I was.
I missed it.
I missed having that kind ofroutine and that kind of
structure, that kind of routineand that kind of structure, and
I missed having a coach cheeryou on and I missed having, you
(15:53):
know, the high fives and thethings that you do in a group
workout class, especially whenyou're paying that much, because
the people who tend to spendthat kind of money on an
exercise program tend to bepretty committed to themselves
and to their fitness journey,and so you're really surrounded
with all kinds of fitness levels.
(16:14):
This is my little plug forOrange Theory You're surrounded
by people with all kinds offitness levels who tend to be
pretty committed to their health.
So I really wanted to surroundmyself with people like that.
So I really wanted to surroundmyself with people like that,
which is why I joined.
And so, as I'm like today,actually I have been feeling
(16:35):
really sick.
I've been sick ever since Itook my daughter on this road
trip to drop her back off inArizona, which was not easy for
me because I was pretty sure shewas making a terrible decision,
and it's really hard to supportsomeone you love when they're
making a bad decision, and alsoit's not my place to say if she
(16:56):
was making a bad decision or not.
That was my inner critic comingout and I was being directed
towards her, and so when I camehome, I was really sick and I
thought, oh, it's fine, I'lljust go work it off, it'll it'll
.
It's just because you know, Ihad some beer in Vegas and I
don't normally drink, so I wentto the class and then, like that
(17:21):
day, felt progressively worseand then I started having to
cancel clients and I was like,oh, I don't know if I'm sick,
sick or if this is just detox.
And then so at home by myselfall weekend and also trying to
shift my diet away from sugarand like boredom eating at night
(17:45):
to deal with, and like boredomeating at night to deal with,
loneliness and, you know, beingalone.
And then Sunday, today, I wokeup and I was like, oh well, I'm
feeling better, I get to go backto work.
Today, I feel like the cold isgone, I did all the meditation
and the clearing and I've beenbrothing and doing all the
(18:06):
things I'm supposed to do, andso I'm going to go to Orange
Theory and then I'll just go seemy two clients and see how I'm
doing.
And I get to Orange Theory and,wow, I did not show up alone.
My inner critic was right therewith me.
I had to wear an SI joint beltbecause my hip was hurting
really bad and because I, like,have an extra weight around my
(18:29):
you know pelvic region.
I could see like the fathanging over it and I was like
in the mirror.
I was like you shut up, you'renot going to, you're not having
a voice today.
You look fine, you're here, whocares?
And when I had weighed in forthe month, I'd only lost like
six pounds and I'd worked mybutt off right.
So I was pissed that I'd onlylost six pounds.
(18:53):
And, um, I was sitting there andI was like working out and you
got a mirror and all I couldhear was this bitch in my head
and she's like oh god, you lookso fat.
Oh you, you can't do more thanthat.
Oh, you can't even do that.
You're going to drop yourweight, aren't you?
Oh, you're going to drop,you're going to drop your weight
(19:15):
down.
You can't even do the 12 repswith the 12 pound weights.
Oh, nothing you're doing isworking man, she was on fire
today and I was like where didyou come from?
Get out of my head, you're notwelcome.
And the more I said that, thelouder she got.
Like I got on the treadmill andmy SI joint has been really bad
(19:39):
and it was the drive and I wasin so much pain just physically
from overcoming this illness andbeing bedridden for a few days
and all I could hear was oh, youcan't even hit 3.5.
Oh, you're so slow.
Oh, look at, you're going tolike you're never going to get
(20:00):
this.
Like, oh, I bet Bill's lookingat you like what a loser.
I can't believe how slow youare.
You're going to drag the classdown.
And I'm like who is this bitch?
Like?
She's got to get out of my head.
Normally by now, like it wouldshe'd be gone, like I would.
(20:20):
You know a couple like 30minutes in and I wouldn't even
hear it.
And no, she, she had an opinionand I felt like it was a very
terrible experience.
An opinion, and I felt like itwas a very terrible experience.
I left, I cried and she gotlouder, and so I went home and I
knew I couldn't go to work,mostly because I felt like crap,
(20:40):
I wasn't really over my cold tobegin with, so that was
probably also part of it and Iwent down and I just thought
like what, what am I going to dowith this?
And?
And I have tools right, like Ihave a lot of tools.
And so I sat down and I said,fine, just give her a voice.
And I just wrote down on apiece of paper Um, I have a
(21:00):
journal that I do all of this inUm, and I just wrote inner
critic and I said go for it.
And I gave her a voice and sheripped me on new one.
Oh my God, I just let it allout on paper, every judgment and
criticism and self-defeatingthought I have ever had about
(21:22):
myself and that I have beenhaving about myself that I
haven't been paying attention to.
I let it all out.
And Then I did something calledneurographica, which is a way
of rewiring your unconsciousmind.
It's not something I teach, butit's something I use all of the
(21:43):
time.
I'll put some links to somevideos in the show notes and if
you're watching this on YouTube,I'll put them in there.
And then I did a superconscious recode, which is one
of the tools that I use in mysoma tribe in my program to help
people rewire and eliminatetrauma memories.
(22:04):
And then I did some parts workintegrating those parts and
aspects of me that had oldprogramming because the truth is
, parts of us have oldprogramming and my inner critic,
who I need on board so I canhave some structure, routine and
(22:24):
like metrics and things that Ineed in order to be successful.
She had some old programs andthat was let's use a heavy dose
of shame and criticism in orderto motivate you to be better.
And I remember the first time Iwent to a women's weight loss
conference it was CorinneCrabtree and it was in Nashville
(22:44):
and she looked at me and shesaid wow, that shame shawl you
wear is pretty heavy.
And I was like I don't knowwhat you're talking about.
That's just me, that's it.
Doesn't everybody think likethat?
And no, they don't.
And my inner critic comes witha heavy dose of shame.
(23:05):
And when I go into shame, whatdo I like to do?
I like to eat, be apathetic andwatch TV or TikTok reels period
.
I don't like to be in my bodyand I certainly don't like being
in my head.
So, knowing that that was not apattern, I was willing to
repeat.
I did the work and I sat withthe inner critic and I let her
(23:27):
have her voice and then I didwhat I do.
I used my intuitive healingtools and I did a lot of
integration work.
Today, when I say we, I mean myintuitive healing tools, and we
did a lot of I did a lot ofintegration work.
Today, when I say we, I mean myspirit team, because I also
handed it over to my guides.
I just basically said guides,just take this one for me
because it's old and it'spainful and I think I'm done
(23:49):
with it now.
And then I went downstairs andI thought January and I realized
I probably wasn't recording asmany metrics as I thought and
you know I was probably eating alot more than I realized
because I don't track anything.
And so I downloaded an app tohelp me track what I'm actually
(24:10):
eating and I felt better, like Icould do it without having the
harsh critic inside looking forall of the things I was doing
wrong, and I finally kind offelt excited, like oh, maybe I
can actually do it this yearbecause I already built the
foundation and the structure ofsomeone who's healthy and vital.
(24:34):
I did the unconsciousreprogramming work first.
Now all I have to do is thehabit change and the new habits
and then installing the newidentities and programs that are
in alignment with health andvitality.
So that's my experience with myinner critic, and I know a lot
(24:59):
of my clients struggle withtheir own inner critic.
And if you don't struggle withyour inner critic, where are you
apathetic in your life to yourdreams because you don't want to
deal with her or him.
That's the big question,because what I didn't realize
was that I hadn't integrated theinner critic or learned how to
(25:24):
work with her.
I simply suppressed her.
I made sure that nothing I didwould be worthy of criticism so
that I didn't have to deal withit.
And the truth is, if you wantto be successful and you want to
have an impact on the planet,you're going to have to deal
(25:45):
with criticism.
And that is because people arecritical and, honestly, I think
what changed it for me today?
Like and this is going to soundsilly, but I was on Facebook and
there's this now.
I always criticize social mediaand say I hate it.
However, there are a few peopleI follow who make me laugh and
(26:08):
I love their TikTok videos oryou know wherever they are, I
don't even know anymore.
So there's this guy.
What's his name?
I'll put it in the show notes.
Anyways, his handle is liketoothpick dad or something.
And he.
I started following him becausehe literally just walks out on
his porch with literally a potof coffee and a straw and makes
(26:33):
comments about I don't knowdating and relationships and
funny things, and I just findhim hilarious.
And he's also like a covermodel for romance novels or
something.
And he was doing a vulnerablepost about somebody who
criticized him for living in anapartment.
(26:54):
And I was like what, like what?
Somebody criticized him forliving in an apartment and I'm
thinking who the cares?
Like that's so weird.
And what he said about thatcomment made me realize that,
(27:15):
you know, I was avoiding doingsome things because I was afraid
of comments, I was afraid ofcriticism, and when I saw him
like go through that and how hehandled it, I felt like, oh man,
he deals with criticism so thathe could make me laugh, deals
with criticism so that he couldmake me laugh.
And his videos always make mefeel, I don't know, like I'm not
(27:40):
the only person who would marrymy coffee pot.
So I feel like and he's hot,like let's be real, and I love
his accent too.
It's from Tennessee, so I lovea lot of things about his videos
.
And so I was thinking, wow,like I get a lot of joy out of
his videos and you know, it'spossible that if he could do it,
I could do it.
(28:01):
And then there's this other ladywho I find hilarious on social
media and she calls herself thesingle mom saga and she finds
videos of hot men and then shehas these funny commentaries
that make me laugh so hard.
And she had the same thingabout her weight loss journey
and she would posted somethingabout the criticism people said
(28:22):
about her and her weight lossjourney and she called them out.
And I thought, oh my God, likeinteresting, like these people
are being very brave about theirjourneys and also they're still
doing what they love and theyfeel called to do, even though
(28:42):
they have critics that are goingto be mean because there's just
trolls on the internet.
So I guess, like, what I'mtrying to say is, criticism is
always probably going to be partof our lives.
It's how we choose to navigateit, and that was really the
thing I needed to see and learntoday was working with and
(29:03):
around my own inner critic,because I do it to myself before
I let anybody else have theopportunity to do it.
I just shut myself down andthat way I don't have to deal
with criticism from other people.
I just don't do anything thatwould allow for that, so I don't
have to deal with it.
In fact, I would probablyhandle criticism from others
(29:26):
better than my own inner critic,because she's way meaner than
anyone else that could sayanything to me.
So, with that said, I hope thatyou found this helpful on your
own journey, wherever you are,and I'm going to put a link to a
shadow meditation that I'mcreating so that you can meet
(29:49):
your own inner critic and seewhat she has to say, because
sometimes, when we just sit andlisten to our enemies, they
actually just have some wisdomand information for us and once
we listen and hear them, insteadof suppress them, we actually
are able to integrate them andtheir characteristics and their
(30:13):
strengths faster and moreefficiently.
This is the beauty of shadowwork.
So I'm going to go ahead andrecord that after I'm done
recording this episode, and I'mgoing to put a little link that
you can go ahead and sign up toget access to it, and I hope you
all have a great day.
And also for those of you whodidn't completely give up on
(30:34):
listening to my podcast allseven of you I want to thank you
and also appreciate that ifyou're still listening, I didn't
completely lose you.
I'll be back this year becauseI think I needed to work through
some of my own apathy aroundhaving a podcast and having a
(30:55):
voice, and I feel like whateverI released today helped release
that.
So I look forward to growing mynew podcast, the Soma Flow
podcast, which pretty much ismind-body integration, intuition
and all the things that I lovetalking about.
So I look forward to sharingmore knowledge and information
(31:16):
and stories with you, because welearn through stories and
shared experiences and it's animportant part of transformation
is that we share with othersthe stories and experiences
we're having, because you neverknow when someone's going to
need to hear your own terriblegym story so that they can get
(31:36):
themselves back to the gym.
I hope you have an amazing day.
Take care.
Hello and welcome to the Selma Flow podcast.
My name is Tabitha McDonald.
I am an intuitive coach, a bodyworker, a healer and just a
human being trying to getthrough the chaos of change.
I took a break from my podcastbecause I realized that I let my
(00:23):
inner critic get in the way ofcreating, and that's actually
what the topic of today'spodcast is is about your own
inner critic and how to workwith it.
When I went on my healingjourney and I would say 2021, I
(00:44):
went like all in.
I was like I'm done with all ofmy demons and my shadows and
the things that hold me back,and it was.
I remember the day.
It was 12, 21, 21.
And I don't know 12, 21, 20,.
I wrote this like declarationto the universe that I was done
(01:04):
being a slave to my past, andlittle did I know it was going
to take me on a wild ride.
But that's not what I want totalk about today.
I want to talk about my recentexperience with my inner critic,
mostly because she has been apain in my ass lately.
(01:24):
But I didn't even know she wasbeing a pain in the ass, because
I was so unaccustomed tolistening to her that I just
simply was suppressing andignoring her.
Let me tell you about mydiscovery because I think a lot
of us really struggle with aninner critic that has a way of
(01:48):
manipulating and lying to us andkeeping us playing small and
also makes us believe that we'reless than we are.
And when we're looking at likethe Enneagram of personality,
that's the Enneagram.
I talk about it a lot my arrowin time of stress points to the
(02:10):
one which is literally thecritic.
It's the perfectionist.
Their shadow is the innercritic and hypercriticism.
And when I started doing myshadow work, I had kind of
worked through the type onepersonality and actually I just
stopped using that arrow point,which was organization,
(02:32):
structure, getting things donein a very like, you know, linear
way.
That's basically the gift ofthe type one is perfectionism,
order and structure.
And when I really started goingthrough my healing journey, I
just decided not to use thatpart of my brain anymore because
(02:53):
it was where a lot of my traumawas housed and it was also just
a part of me that I reallydisliked.
So over the last few years, asI've been working with my
intuition and strengthening it,I really haven't wanted to pull
up that part of me to makeprogress, to measure metrics, to
(03:15):
get things done.
And now I can see why it'sbecause she's kind of mean and I
really didn't want to deal withher.
So in the beginning of January,I decided that this is the year
I'm going to take off the restof the weight.
When I first started my weightloss journey, I was over 300
(03:36):
pounds.
307 pounds to be exact was theheaviest I ever weighed on May
14th 2008.
2016,.
I remember it was April, Ithink April 12th.
I walked into Weight Watchersand I was like this is the last,
first time I'm coming back toWeight Watchers.
And I weighed in at 280.
(03:57):
At that time I was in a lot ofpain.
I could barely walk.
I had plantar fasciitis.
I was, oh, I was trying to date.
It was so horrible.
I was on the dating apps andguys were so mean and I thought,
okay, well, if I could loseweight, then I could find a
partner.
I mean I think a lot of peoplethink that Little did.
(04:18):
I know that was not the answerto love.
So here I am.
It was April 12th 2016.
I walk in to Weight Watchers, Iweigh in and I'm like, okay,
this is, this is good, it'll bethe last first time I go back to
Weight Watchers.
And I mean I did pretty good.
I got down I want to say toabout 227 or something like
(04:44):
slowly, gradually made my waydown and followed the point
system.
It worked until it didn't.
And then I got introduced intocoaching and it was a current
Crabtree's program and it wasall about mindset and it was
really the first time I hadreally heard about mindset and
(05:05):
weight loss and how we reallyneeded to shift the way that we
were thinking about things.
And that was a program that Idid and it helped me through a
lot of trauma, but it stillwasn't getting to the core of
the issue, which was really anidentity level issue around body
(05:26):
image and weight.
And as I started workingthrough that one and coming up
against these like unbreakablewalls, I really started doing a
different look at things and Imean I try.
(05:47):
When I counted them, I thinkI've done over 70 diet programs
and I think that was generous.
And it wasn't until I did thisyoga class to manifest that I
just wanted to drop 30 poundsand I was like this is what I
want to manifest.
I'm going to try themanifesting techniques for
(06:09):
weight loss.
And I remember in the classwhen we opened up our root
chakra and this okay, this isbefore I knew what chakras were.
This is before I was intoenergy work.
This is before I liked thewoo-woo stuff.
Like this is when I was very,very science-y based and hated I
liked the woo-woo stuff.
Like this is when I was very,very science-y based and hated
all of the woo-woo stuff.
But I wanted to give it a trybecause I was pretty desperate.
(06:32):
I remember sitting in the classand we did this root chakra
opening and I had a vision andit was me and I was very thin
and fit and I was wearing thislike white linen dress.
It was very sophisticated and Iwas welcoming people to a very
unique wellness experience andI'm not going to say a wellness
(06:55):
center, it was a wellnessexperience and it kind of
freaked me out a little becauseI was like the boss.
I was like the CEO, head ladyperson who was in charge of it,
and this vision was so real andso beyond anything I ever
thought I was capable of that.
(07:17):
It actually kind of like got meexcited but then also sent me
on a journey that I didn'treally know I was going to go on
and I started studying traumaand the impact of unprocessed
trauma on our body and ouridentity level beliefs about
ourselves.
And it was during a meditationthat I realized I had
(07:44):
unprocessed sexual trauma thatwas getting in the way of my
weight loss.
That it wasn't about findinganother diet program or figuring
out why my metabolism was slowor cortisol, any of it.
It was weight related to sexualtrauma, specifically during
childhood.
(08:04):
Weight, uh, related to sexualtrauma specifically during
childhood.
And it sent me on an even morehorrible journey of really
taking an honest look at all ofthe things I had rewritten about
my childhood um into a positiveHello social.
Seven on the Enneagram.
You can look them up.
We tend to do that on the fly,which is one of our biggest
challenges.
Everyone thinks it's a gift.
(08:25):
I think it's probably thebiggest pain in the ass coping
skill on the planet, because wedon't actually spot red flags,
we turn them into green ones.
So that's a whole notherpodcast episode.
But back to the body stuff.
What I realized was that Ithink when I did the research
(08:47):
the last time and I could bewrong on the numbers here
because I haven't looked them uprecently, but it said something
like one in four women haveexperienced sexual trauma in
their lifetime and I thinkthat's what they've reported and
that over half of the peoplewho are struggling with obesity
issues are struggling withtrauma.
(09:10):
And those numbers, in my mind,were astonishing, because that
means this global epidemic ofobesity is actually a global
epidemic of trauma that has beenunprocessed and basically
unresolved.
And I realize now, like lookingback, that like my heavy body
(09:33):
was a way of keeping myself safeand protected and cocooned from
, you know, being attractive topeople and also warding off
future sexual assault, basically, and that's a horrible way to
live and I'm just going to saythat because we can have a whole
(09:57):
body positivity movement andI'm going off on a little bit of
a tangent here.
However, the statistics of theimpact on our overall health,
confidence and well-being aboutcarrying excess weight are real.
I know because I work on peopleall of the time as a body
(10:17):
worker who have excess bodyweight and I see the impact on
their joints and I see theimpact on their brain health.
I mean you can look up thestudies, the impact on our
ability to concentrate, tocomplete tasks all of those
things is greatly impacted withcarrying excess adipose tissue
(10:39):
or fat on our bodies Now andgoing through the journey of
really uncovering all of thattrauma and coming up with
strategies and tools to processthrough trauma probably faster
than the average bear.
I'm grateful because now I haveoh my gosh, amazing tools to
(11:01):
self-regulate and I use themwith my clients who are also
recovering from trauma.
Even though I don't considermyself a trauma specialist, I do
have the tools there to helppeople when they come in,
because you know, I don't carewhat industry you work in, if
you're cutting hair or servingsomebody at a bar, you're going
to work with people who are intrauma, because that's where
(11:22):
people might it might slip out.
So I'll just say that,especially in the field of
massage, we should all be traumainformed and trained, because
when you're touching andengaging with a person's body,
you might activate old parts ortrauma memories that they don't
even know that they have.
So you know, when I started thejourney down trauma, it was
(11:47):
really actually to help myclients and little did I know it
was mostly to help myself,which I think is the journey of
a lot of healers on how we getinto the world of healing is,
you know, wanting to resolve itfor others and then realizing
you were really resolving it foryourself the whole time.
So that was my, that's been myjourney, and every year I set
(12:13):
out a new goal to continue on myweight loss and health journey.
And every year somehow I fuckit up, and I don't mean that in
a way that's mean or negativeagainst myself, because every
year I've gone through deeperlayers of trauma that I've had
to work through, or unconsciousprogramming, or deeper layers of
(12:33):
healing that just needed tohappen.
And I can see now that when mytrauma was like at its worst and
I had the least amount of tools, I used to dissociate a lot and
I wasn't really present.
And it was a pretty scary timefor me because my brain was the
(12:54):
thing that I loved the most andit was the thing I didn't have
access to, because every time Itried to access, you know, the
sciency part of my brain or thelinear part of my brain, my left
brain, a new trauma memorywould come up that I'd have to
deal with.
And it was so annoying.
It was like God, this again,really, this again.
(13:15):
And you know, for those of youwho've braved the journey of
healing your trauma, I know youknow what I'm talking about.
It can be exhausting andsometimes, like I know you know
what I'm talking about, it's itcan be exhausting and sometimes,
like I remember I wrote in myjournal, like I sometimes just
wish I could go back and notstart the journey.
And I know that that's nottotally true because for the
(13:38):
first time in my whole life, I'mme, like, I am very me, I'm
very authentic.
Um, I could give two fucksabout people liking me or not.
And that's not totally truebecause I do care.
I'm just more.
I'm more of a loner than I usedto be.
I'm not really codependent.
I don't like gauge whether ornot I'm safe based on whether or
(14:02):
not people see me or like me.
In fact, sometimes I preferjust to have the quiet of my own
space so that I'm not worriedabout those things.
I might have just contradictedmyself completely.
I don't know, but I digress.
So why am I talking about all ofthis and the inner critic?
(14:24):
So when my intuition told methat this is the year that I
need to stop dreaming and startdoing, I had a lot of
reservations about that, becauseI was really worried about my
inner critic coming up, my typeone, because I knew I'd have to
pull on that superpower.
The type one, the organizationstructure, looking for better
(14:49):
systems and tracking things,metrics, you know stuff I've
been avoiding.
I knew I'd need to call on herand I also knew that her and I
don't have the best historytogether.
So the first month was great,like I was doing great.
It was like, oh, this is whatendorphins feel like.
(15:11):
I was at Orange Theory and I,you know exercising and I had
like the people there and I wasmaking friends and I was
remembering what it felt like tohave a coach tear you on and
say good job and pat you on theback and you know to do like a
mile and to gauge it and notjudge yourself but just to use
it as a measurement, a unit ofmeasurement, those types of
(15:33):
things.
I started feeling really goodand I would leave and I would
cry, not because I was upset butbecause I was.
I missed it.
I missed having that kind ofroutine and that kind of
structure, that kind of routineand that kind of structure, and
I missed having a coach cheeryou on and I missed having, you
(15:53):
know, the high fives and thethings that you do in a group
workout class, especially whenyou're paying that much, because
the people who tend to spendthat kind of money on an
exercise program tend to bepretty committed to themselves
and to their fitness journey,and so you're really surrounded
with all kinds of fitness levels.
(16:14):
This is my little plug forOrange Theory You're surrounded
by people with all kinds offitness levels who tend to be
pretty committed to their health.
So I really wanted to surroundmyself with people like that.
So I really wanted to surroundmyself with people like that,
which is why I joined.
And so, as I'm like today,actually I have been feeling
(16:35):
really sick.
I've been sick ever since Itook my daughter on this road
trip to drop her back off inArizona, which was not easy for
me because I was pretty sure shewas making a terrible decision,
and it's really hard to supportsomeone you love when they're
making a bad decision, and alsoit's not my place to say if she
(16:56):
was making a bad decision or not.
That was my inner critic comingout and I was being directed
towards her, and so when I camehome, I was really sick and I
thought, oh, it's fine, I'lljust go work it off, it'll it'll
.
It's just because you know, Ihad some beer in Vegas and I
don't normally drink, so I wentto the class and then, like that
(17:21):
day, felt progressively worseand then I started having to
cancel clients and I was like,oh, I don't know if I'm sick,
sick or if this is just detox.
And then so at home by myselfall weekend and also trying to
shift my diet away from sugarand like boredom eating at night
(17:45):
to deal with, and like boredomeating at night to deal with,
loneliness and, you know, beingalone.
And then Sunday, today, I wokeup and I was like, oh well, I'm
feeling better, I get to go backto work.
Today, I feel like the cold isgone, I did all the meditation
and the clearing and I've beenbrothing and doing all the
(18:06):
things I'm supposed to do, andso I'm going to go to Orange
Theory and then I'll just go seemy two clients and see how I'm
doing.
And I get to Orange Theory and,wow, I did not show up alone.
My inner critic was right therewith me.
I had to wear an SI joint beltbecause my hip was hurting
really bad and because I, like,have an extra weight around my
(18:29):
you know pelvic region.
I could see like the fathanging over it and I was like
in the mirror.
I was like you shut up, you'renot going to, you're not having
a voice today.
You look fine, you're here, whocares?
And when I had weighed in forthe month, I'd only lost like
six pounds and I'd worked mybutt off right.
So I was pissed that I'd onlylost six pounds.
(18:53):
And, um, I was sitting there andI was like working out and you
got a mirror and all I couldhear was this bitch in my head
and she's like oh god, you lookso fat.
Oh you, you can't do more thanthat.
Oh, you can't even do that.
You're going to drop yourweight, aren't you?
Oh, you're going to drop,you're going to drop your weight
(19:15):
down.
You can't even do the 12 repswith the 12 pound weights.
Oh, nothing you're doing isworking man, she was on fire
today and I was like where didyou come from?
Get out of my head, you're notwelcome.
And the more I said that, thelouder she got.
Like I got on the treadmill andmy SI joint has been really bad
(19:39):
and it was the drive and I wasin so much pain just physically
from overcoming this illness andbeing bedridden for a few days
and all I could hear was oh, youcan't even hit 3.5.
Oh, you're so slow.
Oh, look at, you're going tolike you're never going to get
(20:00):
this.
Like, oh, I bet Bill's lookingat you like what a loser.
I can't believe how slow youare.
You're going to drag the classdown.
And I'm like who is this bitch?
Like?
She's got to get out of my head.
Normally by now, like it wouldshe'd be gone, like I would.
(20:20):
You know a couple like 30minutes in and I wouldn't even
hear it.
And no, she, she had an opinionand I felt like it was a very
terrible experience.
An opinion, and I felt like itwas a very terrible experience.
I left, I cried and she gotlouder, and so I went home and I
knew I couldn't go to work,mostly because I felt like crap,
(20:40):
I wasn't really over my cold tobegin with, so that was
probably also part of it and Iwent down and I just thought
like what, what am I going to dowith this?
And?
And I have tools right, like Ihave a lot of tools.
And so I sat down and I said,fine, just give her a voice.
And I just wrote down on apiece of paper Um, I have a
(21:00):
journal that I do all of this inUm, and I just wrote inner
critic and I said go for it.
And I gave her a voice and sheripped me on new one.
Oh my God, I just let it allout on paper, every judgment and
criticism and self-defeatingthought I have ever had about
(21:22):
myself and that I have beenhaving about myself that I
haven't been paying attention to.
I let it all out.
And Then I did something calledneurographica, which is a way
of rewiring your unconsciousmind.
It's not something I teach, butit's something I use all of the
(21:43):
time.
I'll put some links to somevideos in the show notes and if
you're watching this on YouTube,I'll put them in there.
And then I did a superconscious recode, which is one
of the tools that I use in mysoma tribe in my program to help
people rewire and eliminatetrauma memories.
(22:04):
And then I did some parts workintegrating those parts and
aspects of me that had oldprogramming because the truth is
, parts of us have oldprogramming and my inner critic,
who I need on board so I canhave some structure, routine and
(22:24):
like metrics and things that Ineed in order to be successful.
She had some old programs andthat was let's use a heavy dose
of shame and criticism in orderto motivate you to be better.
And I remember the first time Iwent to a women's weight loss
conference it was CorinneCrabtree and it was in Nashville
(22:44):
and she looked at me and shesaid wow, that shame shawl you
wear is pretty heavy.
And I was like I don't knowwhat you're talking about.
That's just me, that's it.
Doesn't everybody think likethat?
And no, they don't.
And my inner critic comes witha heavy dose of shame.
(23:05):
And when I go into shame, whatdo I like to do?
I like to eat, be apathetic andwatch TV or TikTok reels period
.
I don't like to be in my bodyand I certainly don't like being
in my head.
So, knowing that that was not apattern, I was willing to
repeat.
I did the work and I sat withthe inner critic and I let her
(23:27):
have her voice and then I didwhat I do.
I used my intuitive healingtools and I did a lot of
integration work.
Today, when I say we, I mean myintuitive healing tools, and we
did a lot of I did a lot ofintegration work.
Today, when I say we, I mean myspirit team, because I also
handed it over to my guides.
I just basically said guides,just take this one for me
because it's old and it'spainful and I think I'm done
(23:49):
with it now.
And then I went downstairs andI thought January and I realized
I probably wasn't recording asmany metrics as I thought and
you know I was probably eating alot more than I realized
because I don't track anything.
And so I downloaded an app tohelp me track what I'm actually
(24:10):
eating and I felt better, like Icould do it without having the
harsh critic inside looking forall of the things I was doing
wrong, and I finally kind offelt excited, like oh, maybe I
can actually do it this yearbecause I already built the
foundation and the structure ofsomeone who's healthy and vital.
(24:34):
I did the unconsciousreprogramming work first.
Now all I have to do is thehabit change and the new habits
and then installing the newidentities and programs that are
in alignment with health andvitality.
So that's my experience with myinner critic, and I know a lot
(24:59):
of my clients struggle withtheir own inner critic.
And if you don't struggle withyour inner critic, where are you
apathetic in your life to yourdreams because you don't want to
deal with her or him.
That's the big question,because what I didn't realize
was that I hadn't integrated theinner critic or learned how to
(25:24):
work with her.
I simply suppressed her.
I made sure that nothing I didwould be worthy of criticism so
that I didn't have to deal withit.
And the truth is, if you wantto be successful and you want to
have an impact on the planet,you're going to have to deal
(25:45):
with criticism.
And that is because people arecritical and, honestly, I think
what changed it for me today?
Like and this is going to soundsilly, but I was on Facebook and
there's this now.
I always criticize social mediaand say I hate it.
However, there are a few peopleI follow who make me laugh and
(26:08):
I love their TikTok videos oryou know wherever they are, I
don't even know anymore.
So there's this guy.
What's his name?
I'll put it in the show notes.
Anyways, his handle is liketoothpick dad or something.
And he.
I started following him becausehe literally just walks out on
his porch with literally a potof coffee and a straw and makes
(26:33):
comments about I don't knowdating and relationships and
funny things, and I just findhim hilarious.
And he's also like a covermodel for romance novels or
something.
And he was doing a vulnerablepost about somebody who
criticized him for living in anapartment.
(26:54):
And I was like what, like what?
Somebody criticized him forliving in an apartment and I'm
thinking who the cares?
Like that's so weird.
And what he said about thatcomment made me realize that,
(27:15):
you know, I was avoiding doingsome things because I was afraid
of comments, I was afraid ofcriticism, and when I saw him
like go through that and how hehandled it, I felt like, oh man,
he deals with criticism so thathe could make me laugh, deals
with criticism so that he couldmake me laugh.
And his videos always make mefeel, I don't know, like I'm not
(27:40):
the only person who would marrymy coffee pot.
So I feel like and he's hot,like let's be real, and I love
his accent too.
It's from Tennessee, so I lovea lot of things about his videos
.
And so I was thinking, wow,like I get a lot of joy out of
his videos and you know, it'spossible that if he could do it,
I could do it.
(28:01):
And then there's this other ladywho I find hilarious on social
media and she calls herself thesingle mom saga and she finds
videos of hot men and then shehas these funny commentaries
that make me laugh so hard.
And she had the same thingabout her weight loss journey
and she would posted somethingabout the criticism people said
(28:22):
about her and her weight lossjourney and she called them out.
And I thought, oh my God, likeinteresting, like these people
are being very brave about theirjourneys and also they're still
doing what they love and theyfeel called to do, even though
(28:42):
they have critics that are goingto be mean because there's just
trolls on the internet.
So I guess, like, what I'mtrying to say is, criticism is
always probably going to be partof our lives.
It's how we choose to navigateit, and that was really the
thing I needed to see and learntoday was working with and
(29:03):
around my own inner critic,because I do it to myself before
I let anybody else have theopportunity to do it.
I just shut myself down andthat way I don't have to deal
with criticism from other people.
I just don't do anything thatwould allow for that, so I don't
have to deal with it.
In fact, I would probablyhandle criticism from others
(29:26):
better than my own inner critic,because she's way meaner than
anyone else that could sayanything to me.
So, with that said, I hope thatyou found this helpful on your
own journey, wherever you are,and I'm going to put a link to a
shadow meditation that I'mcreating so that you can meet
(29:49):
your own inner critic and seewhat she has to say, because
sometimes, when we just sit andlisten to our enemies, they
actually just have some wisdomand information for us and once
we listen and hear them, insteadof suppress them, we actually
are able to integrate them andtheir characteristics and their
(30:13):
strengths faster and moreefficiently.
This is the beauty of shadowwork.
So I'm going to go ahead andrecord that after I'm done
recording this episode, and I'mgoing to put a little link that
you can go ahead and sign up toget access to it, and I hope you
all have a great day.
And also for those of you whodidn't completely give up on
(30:34):
listening to my podcast allseven of you I want to thank you
and also appreciate that ifyou're still listening, I didn't
completely lose you.
I'll be back this year becauseI think I needed to work through
some of my own apathy aroundhaving a podcast and having a
(30:55):
voice, and I feel like whateverI released today helped release
that.
So I look forward to growing mynew podcast, the Soma Flow
podcast, which pretty much ismind-body integration, intuition
and all the things that I lovetalking about.
So I look forward to sharingmore knowledge and information
(31:16):
and stories with you, because welearn through stories and
shared experiences and it's animportant part of transformation
is that we share with othersthe stories and experiences
we're having, because you neverknow when someone's going to
need to hear your own terriblegym story so that they can get
(31:36):
themselves back to the gym.
I hope you have an amazing day.
Take care.
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I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
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Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
Ridiculous History
History is beautiful, brutal and, often, ridiculous. Join Ben Bowlin and Noel Brown as they dive into some of the weirdest stories from across the span of human civilization in Ridiculous History, a podcast by iHeartRadio.