January 7, 2026 • 36 mins
Do you ever feel like being easygoing somehow turns into being overlooked, dismissed, or taken advantage of?
In this episode, I sit down with Cordelia for our second coaching session and we unpack a pattern so many people live inside of without realizing it. When you’re flexible, capable, and willing to help, those traits can quietly become the reason you end up carrying more than your share, questioning yourself, and feeling trapped or burned out. Together, we explore how these dynamics form, how your nervous system responds when boundaries aren’t honored, and what it actually looks like to start responding differently in real time. This is an honest, grounded conversation about confidence, boundaries, and learning to trust yourself again without becoming rigid or shut down.
You might want to listen if:
• You’re often described as easygoing but feel like it costs you
• You struggle to say no and then feel resentful or overwhelmed afterward
• You notice anxiety, shutdown, or burnout building over time
• You second-guess yourself and wonder if you’re the problem
• You want to set boundaries without feeling guilty, harsh, or unsafe
Check out Cordelia’s First Coaching Session
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DISCLAIMER: Speak Honest podcast content is informational, not professional or medical advice. Jenn is an ICF relationship coach, not a licensed therapist. Consult health professionals for specific concerns. Client opinions do not reflect Speak Honest’s stance. We aim for accuracy but are not liable for errors or outcomes from this information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_01 (00:05):
Hello, and welcome to Speak Honest.
I am your host and certifiedrelationship coach, Jennifer
Noble.
It has been my passion for overa decade to help women like you
heal.
What's been holding you backfrom having the relationships
you deserve?
Are you struggling with arelationship where you can't
seem to voice your emotions,needs, and boundaries without
(00:26):
having it blow up in your face?
Then you have found the rightpodcast, my friend.
Get ready for practical tips,empowering truths, and honest
conversations.
Now, let's dive in.
Hello, everyone, and welcomeback to another episode of Speak
Honest.
I'm Jen Noble, your go-torelationship coach, and on today
(00:46):
we are diving back in withCordelia for our second coaching
session together.
Well, first off, I want to sayhappy new year to everyone.
I hope you all had a beautifulholiday season, lots of rest,
lots of family, lots of timetogether.
And I hope that you go intotoday's episode really
understanding the stuff thatwe're going to be talking about.
(01:06):
So if you haven't listened tothe first session I did with
Cordelia, totally fine.
You don't need to pause this oneand go listen to that at all.
All of our sessions very muchkind of hold their own weight.
And you'll get plenty of contextas we go on.
But what I want you to knowheading into this one is that
this conversation is not justabout work.
It's about patterns.
(01:28):
It's about what happens when youare capable, flexible,
easygoing, and well-intentioned,and how those exact traits can
quietly turn into burnout,self-doubt, anxiety, and feeling
trapped when boundaries aren'tin place.
In this session, Cordelia sharessomething I hear so much from
(01:51):
women.
She keeps ending up boxed in atwork.
Her role slowly morphs.
Her voice gets dismissed, andher ideas, they get ignored.
And over time, her nervoussystem starts to shut down.
Depression creeps in.
(02:28):
We are gonna talk about toxicwork environments, people
pleasing, and then proactiveversus reactive boundaries and
the real difference between bignose and small nose.
We walk through practicalexamples, like how something as
simple as being asked to takeon, you know, just one little
(02:48):
extra task at work, as they say,can actually be the beginning of
a larger pattern of beingundervalued.
We talk about how burnout isn'ta personal failure.
It's often a trapped response.
It's just your body trying tosurvive a situation that keeps
telling you you don't get tochoose.
(03:10):
Now you'll hear us connect thisback to attachment, nervous
system regulation, and why pastexperiences can make future
opportunities feel dangerous,even when they aren't.
And you'll hear what it actuallylooks like to rebuild
confidence, set boundaries inreal time, and start trusting
yourself again, especially whenfear and support exist at the
(03:35):
same time.
Now, if this sounds likesomething that you need in your
life, or if you're dealing witha big work issue and your boss
isn't treating you properly, oryou're having what is considered
a toxic work environment, then Iwant to invite you to come and
join us inside the Speak HonestAcademy.
This is where we do this worktogether.
(03:56):
This is where you get coachingwith me and other women that are
going through this.
Boundaries, communication,nervous system regulation,
attachment patterns, and reallife scripts you can actually
use, not just theory.
And so if this conversationtoday with Cordelia resonates
with you, you will feel right athome with us over there inside
(04:20):
the Speak Honest Academy.
If it's something you would liketo join, you can scroll on down
to the show notes right now andclick on the link, or easily
enough, just go tospeakhonistacademy.com.
You'll find which option worksbest for you, and I cannot wait
to see you in there.
And now, as you're listeningtoday, I want you to keep a few
(04:40):
things in mind.
Where in your life do you feelboxed in right now, especially
at the start of the new year?
Where is it that you aredreading going back to after all
of this time off?
What have you been callingburnout that might actually be a
trapped nervous system?
And where are you overridingyourself instead of listening to
(05:03):
what your body has been tryingto tell you?
All right, let's dive in.
Hello, Cordelia.
Welcome back.
I am so excited to get startedwith you today.
Let me know what it is that youwould like to work on today
during our session.
SPEAKER_00 (05:23):
I have taken some time off work to heal my nervous
system and start to reevaluatewhat I'd like to do next in
life.
And a pattern I have been seeingis that I'll get into a job and
things will go well for a while.
(05:44):
And then somehow I get put intoa little box.
And I struggle with that becauseI don't know if it's just that I
am easygoing and willing to helpout where it's needed
occasionally, or if people justkind of get wrapped up in their
(06:04):
own head and their own lives,and they're just like, Yeah, you
know what, whatever.
Like just give it to her.
It's difficult because I'm beingignored when I bring up things.
Like there are these kinds ofthings that can make the
workplace more efficient, or youknow, I as part of our last
conversation, this is where myrole was gonna go, and it
doesn't seem like it's gonnahappen.
(06:25):
And each time I just keepgetting the dismissed in various
ways.
SPEAKER_01 (06:32):
Yeah.
So I hear you really saying thatyou want to start figuring out
how you can move forward in ajob when your past patterns have
showed that as soon as you get ajob, you're just gonna be boxed
in again.
You're gonna be required to dothings you don't want to do,
you're gonna have to work for aninefficient workplace, and the
times that you do have concernsor the times you speak up,
(06:55):
you're getting dismissed.
Is that right?
Correct.
Yeah.
Yes.
And so tell me about the cost ofthat for you.
So tell me about like how doesthat affect you in your job?
What do you do later,essentially?
Like when this happens, when youget boxed in, what happens?
SPEAKER_00 (07:12):
Hindsight, obviously, now that I'm starting
to really see the pattern, andit's happened several times.
I inadvertently fall into adepressive state, and I sleep a
lot, or I get super anxious, andthen there's times where
everything bothers me, evensomething as simple as an email
(07:36):
about the parking spot.
It's a fifth data is likeheightened more than it should
be.
SPEAKER_01 (07:44):
This makes total sense to me because the way you
said boxed in, what I'm hearingis I'm trapped.
Would that resonate?
Yes.
Yeah.
And what's happening with a bigtrapped wound, a lot of times
people feel this is burnout.
Like burnout is essentiallyalmost a big attachment wound
around I am trapped, right?
Like I have to do all of thisstuff, or else either it doesn't
(08:06):
get done, or I'm gonna lose myjob, or people won't respect me,
or insert other wounding here.
And so it makes total sense thateven an email comes up.
I I don't know about you, butlike I see this in people.
It's like they physically fearopening up their email when they
get there in the morning at workbecause they're afraid it's
gonna be some other big thing orthey've done something wrong or
(08:27):
something is happening.
Does that track?
Correct.
Yeah.
Okay.
All right.
So we need to start settingstrategies into place that when
you go into your next new job,you're gonna be able to be a
boundary boss, right?
You are gonna be the queen ofstanding up for yourself,
speaking up for yourself,setting boundaries and saying no
over and over and over again.
(08:47):
Because unfortunately,companies, they do just push too
much on us.
They do.
Like that, the unfortunate truthis that's never gonna end.
Like they will always be like,oh, go let Cordelia do it.
She'll do it.
And if we as humans allow thatto happen, then we do get boxed
in.
And now I'm not saying that youallowed that to happen like it's
your fault or anything likethat, but those people-pleasing
(09:10):
mechanisms in us, those fearsinside of us, those attachment
wounds that you had back then,right before you and I met, it
makes total sense.
But now we're gonna have newtools and you're gonna be
rewiring your system movingforward.
So when that happens, because itinevitably will, we'll be able
to handle it in the moment.
How does that sound?
SPEAKER_00 (09:26):
I love the idea of it.
And I think just based oncertain experiences, perhaps, to
touch on random examples on howto handle, which could help
perhaps deal with some of theboundaries.
Like such as, oh, can you takeon making sure that the gym has
water?
Well, how do I say no to that?
(09:48):
I don't think that's a big no.
SPEAKER_01 (09:50):
Okay, great.
But that right-oh, great, can westop down right here?
Yeah.
Okay.
That's why I wanted to bring upan example.
Yes, I love that one.
Perfect example.
Because what I heard you say wasthat's not a big no.
I don't want us to set big no's.
I want us to set little no's.
Those are what remember whenwe've talked about this before?
When we talk about thedifference between proactive and
(10:12):
reactive boundaries, yes.
Proactive boundaries are allthose tiny little no's that we
need to set.
When they say, Hey, could you gorefill the water in the
bathroom?
Or whatever, is that what itwas?
SPEAKER_00 (10:23):
Like they wanted me to take on the responsibility of
making sure that the big waterbottles that there was always an
inventory of bottles in the gym.
So, like if one was empty, youknow, make sure that I got
somebody to bring one up.
SPEAKER_01 (10:37):
Perfect.
So, in that situation, you'regonna ask yourself, is this
something that is in your scopeof work?
Like, is this what you werehired to do?
No.
SPEAKER_00 (10:45):
What it was was just adding things.
They were just trying to give methings to do because they did
not follow through with the jobthat they had originally were
creating.
So it was just finding things todo.
SPEAKER_01 (10:59):
Okay, so in this time, when they asked you to do
the water bottles, or when theyasked you to do the water
bottles in the gym, did you feellike this is what you are being
paid to do?
Like, did you feel like here'smy questions?
Here's how we figure this out.
We ask ourselves, do we have thebandwidth to do this?
Is this what I'm getting paidfor?
And is this what I want to bedoing?
(11:20):
So if we ask ourselves thosethree questions.
So, first off, did you have thetime to do this?
Did you have the bandwidth to doit?
Like, because it sounded likeyou said they didn't have
anything else for you to do.
So could you do it?
Yes, yes.
That's okay.
SPEAKER_00 (11:33):
Physically, yes.
Like, yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (11:35):
But like, but also like time-wise, because again, I
right not knowing your job, Idon't know if this is literally
your job.
Is like, is it like an assistantjob?
Is it the person who keeps trackof inventory?
Do you usually do manual labor?
Like, because not necessarilyknowing what you do, right?
It's it's tough to know, is thissomething you do?
SPEAKER_00 (11:53):
I mean, it's not it was never part of any person's
job scope before.
It was just uh, we need to buildher job duties because obviously
I wasn't being given theoriginal job duties that were
planned.
So they're just kind of addingthings.
Is it difficult?
No, it's just walking to the gymand see what's going on with the
(12:14):
water, and then I get warehouseto bring up a bottle.
SPEAKER_01 (12:17):
Okay, so I'm still, even as we're talking, confused.
Did you want to do it or not?
Like, is this what you're paidto do?
SPEAKER_00 (12:23):
It wasn't what I was supposed to be doing.
That's the problem.
Okay, great.
It was just being like that'swhere some of my issues of the
box in this particular situationcome in.
SPEAKER_01 (12:34):
So in this situation, what is stopping us
from saying, oh hey, this isn'tactually what I'm supposed to be
doing?
Can you guys find something elsefor me?
SPEAKER_00 (12:42):
Highly likely I would have been told that falls
under other duties as required.
Okay.
SPEAKER_01 (12:47):
So then in that case, you'd be like, okay,
great, can I get a list of whatother duties are?
Right.
Do you see what we're doing?
We're asking more questionsbecause if we say yes to
anything that is they do, thenwe become known as the person at
work that'll just do anything.
So we have to start settingthese small boundaries here.
And then if we signed up for ajob, so again, let's say you
signed up to be a receptionistat a company, but then all of a
(13:09):
sudden they want you to startlifting water bottles into the
thing.
You know, we could say, like,hey, you know, I was really
hired in order to be behind thedesk.
This is what I'm best at.
So if we can go ahead and findme some jobs here, that would be
great.
Like, this is how we startsetting those boundaries.
And if in the end you got hiredfor a job and they're like,
well, we just don't have anyhours for you here at the
receptionist, then it's soundingto me like it's just not the
(13:31):
right job for you.
SPEAKER_00 (13:32):
Yes.
SPEAKER_01 (13:32):
Okay.
So in that regard as well, let'snot mistake leaving a job as,
well, I just had anxiety and soI needed to leave the job and my
mental health was messed up, andso this is going to happen
again.
It just sounds like your pastjob wasn't very good at what
they did.
SPEAKER_00 (13:50):
Correct.
They were not very good at whatthey did.
The job before, I remember ithad nothing to do with me.
It was more things that were outof my control, and it was
letting down the customers andmaking my job more difficult.
And when I would bring it upwith said management, they just
talked in circles because theydidn't want to admit their
(14:10):
wrongdoing.
Right.
And what that one was.
And eventually I was like, Ican't do this because it's
making my job more difficult andfrustrating, and then I'm
letting down all the customers.
The ripple effect was just notfair.
And two choices either sit thereand continue or move on and try
something new.
Yeah.
So I did.
(14:30):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (14:31):
So it sounds like you're good.
So tell me what's preventing usfrom because one of the things I
know that we're working on isgoing and getting another job.
So, in my idea, as we're sittinghere talking, you're gonna be
fine moving forward.
You understood that they justdidn't quite have their shit
together, so to speak.
Yes.
And so moving forward, anotherjob might not do that.
(14:52):
So you talked about patterns.
Did this happen at any jobprevious to this job?
Talk me, take me back evenfurther.
SPEAKER_00 (14:59):
Okay.
And so then at my last job whenI lived in another area, it was
really great for the most part.
There was a colleague who likedto stir trouble.
Always is.
Always is.
It was pretty brutal.
Like she would actually flat outtry to say things like I would
(15:20):
was having a secret affair withour director, and she would make
sexual comments, and it wasreally bad.
And our director was just likehis attitude, unfortunately, was
you women.
I was like, that's not fair.
This isn't about you women,because when she was on Mat
Leave and there was somebodyelse in that position, the
atmosphere was completelydifferent.
(15:40):
So he had seen a difference, butwhen she came back from Mat
Leave and all of the stuff hadstarted again, he just didn't
want to deal with it.
And when I finally took it tothe union, she retaliated and
which obviously to be expected,but then they just they didn't
want to deal with it.
SPEAKER_01 (15:57):
They're just like, oh, it's not our scope.
Yeah, Anna, unfortunately, thatone as well just sounds like you
got dealt a bad hand again.
Like if you go to HR, if you goor I don't know what it's like
up there, right?
But like if you you must haveHR, like at these jobs.
SPEAKER_00 (16:10):
If you go to HR and there's HR and the union, yes.
Yes, yeah.
You did everything right.
I did.
And then they retaliated andtried to tell me that I because
there was somebody else in theoffice who wasn't related to our
job.
They just happened to use thespace.
She went to HR and said thatCordelia's never at work and she
(16:31):
takes like two-hour lunches.
And I was able to prove thatthat was not true.
I gave them sort of a summary ofall my emails, screenshots of
like all my days, and okay,great.
It just seemed like they wantedto get rid of it all and just
start from scratch.
They didn't want to deal withit.
SPEAKER_01 (16:48):
Yeah.
So, and then what about beforethat?
What about the job before that?
SPEAKER_00 (16:52):
Before that, I was a recruiter for a staffing agency.
I had good hours, but I wasn'tbringing in enough new business.
However, it felt like on somelevel, and it wasn't just me, a
colleague who had recommended mefor the job, saw it too.
(17:12):
That for some reason the managerjust looked down on me, and we
could never quite figure outwhy.
Like she would get mad if Ihadn't changed my shoes out of
my runners right away.
Or if I wasn't wearing a blazer,if I was wearing a cardigan
instead.
She was harping on me for allthese little things, which, as I
(17:33):
said, the colleague thatrecommended me for the job just
did not understand where any ofthat was coming from.
SPEAKER_01 (17:38):
Okay.
So listening to the last threejobs, the pattern that I hear is
unfortunately not anything to dowith you, and everything to do
with toxic work environments.
So let's look at thatobjectively.
I like that.
I appreciate that.
Yeah, legit.
And you know, I'd be very honestwith you and I would like to
call you out if I was like, no,we have to stop it here.
But no, I'm listening.
(17:59):
And unfortunately, this is justthe way some jobs are.
But what I want to know ismoving forward, almost like
dating.
How can we vet the jobs movingforward?
So you can ask better questions.
So you can be like, hey, whatwould you do in this situation
if you had a boss handle this?
What is your HR department like?
(18:20):
How do you handle toxic workenvironments?
What is the plan in place ifthere is any sexual harassment?
These are the questions we needto be asking our employers.
And so I want to encourage usthat we can do this moving
forward.
You're gonna get so much moreempowerment in yourself.
And in turn, I think that'sgonna help you understand that
you can break out of any boxthat they put you in because you
(18:43):
are not beholden to them at all.
How does that land as I saythat?
Twofold.
SPEAKER_00 (18:49):
Kind of makes me want to cry, but in the sense of
like somebody else actually kindof seeing what I see.
Because at the same time,generally people are gonna be
like, Well, what's a commondenominator?
SPEAKER_01 (19:03):
Yeah, the common denominator to me sounds like
corporate, but go on.
SPEAKER_00 (19:06):
Yeah, I just I and I've always thrived on being
honest and direct.
So, like when I was working atthat one job with the director,
and he was a part-time director,part-time something else in the
field.
So he wasn't in the office fivedays a week, which was fine.
But when he was in the office,he knew everything that was
going on.
(19:27):
I could go in there for an houror two hours, we'd sit and we go
through everything that wasgoing on.
And so when he would be out andabout and and talking to other
members of the field, and hewould hear things, he'd know
beforehand because I told himand he appreciated that.
But again, the toxic colleaguewas like, Why are you in there
for two hours?
What are you doing?
(19:47):
And I looked at her one day andI said, The door is open.
Why don't you come on in andjoin us?
SPEAKER_01 (19:52):
Yeah, yeah.
But you're going through what Ithink honestly, so many people
are going through that you don'teven realize it, which is the
amount of toxic work.
Workplace environment that weall have to deal with.
And we have been taught that,oh, just put up with it.
Oh, just deal with it.
Oh, just hide.
Oh, just don't talk about it.
Oh, just you're the sensitiveone.
And it's just that's completehorseshit.
(20:12):
We shouldn't have to put up withthis kind of stuff.
And is there tips and tricks wecould do moving forward if
anything happens again?
Yes.
But I think moving forward,let's first get you in that job
so we can see what problemswe're going to have.
And then let's adaptaccordingly.
So behind us in the past, therewas just so much toxicity thrown
(20:32):
at you that given where you wereback then, because when you and
I weren't even working togetherback then, all of that stuff,
this is years ago, decades ago,given the situations, the
attachment style you have, thefamily life you grew up with,
everything that we know about,it makes sense that this would
feel so heavy and hard.
It does.
And we don't even need to goback and fix any of these
situations.
Because honestly, the most ofthose people are just freaking
(20:55):
dickheads.
They just are.
And I'm sorry that you had todeal with that.
SPEAKER_00 (20:59):
You actually triggered something.
It's a good thing, though.
Like off and on, I've like hadissues in my career, whatever.
And you're right, like thereception jobs and they try to
tackle other things a long timeago, doesn't matter.
But I would say the last like 15years, so I guess like the last
four jobs, there has beensomething.
And it just kept building andbuilding and building.
(21:21):
That I know when I moved back towhere I am now, you know, nine
years ago, I was already feelingburnt out from the previous two
jobs.
Here we are, two more jobs,because obviously I didn't heal
and I didn't understand burnoutor nervous system.
Two more happened, and now themountain got bigger, which is
where I am now working with youto break down that mountain and
(21:45):
build up the confidence to speakbetter and be aware better.
SPEAKER_01 (21:49):
If we stick on with that analogy, you were hiking
incredibly rough mountaintopsbefore you even understood how
to hike.
You were thrown into mountainswithout any help, any packages,
any bags, any walking sticks,and you were just told and
(22:10):
gaslit and invalidated anddismissed to be told, well, you
should just already know what todo.
And that's just not fair.
And so, what I don't want us tosee happen is I what I don't
want you to think is this.
I don't want you to look forwardand see those same mountains.
Because here's why.
We don't know at your next jobif there's even going to be
those mountaintops or not.
So that's our first step is Iwant us to regulate our nervous
(22:31):
system enough to understand thatthe path forward isn't
necessarily gonna look like thepath behind us.
Now it might, and there mightstill be some.
But the difference is gonna be,and this is how we teach our
nervous system.
This is how we help that bigheaviness that lands in you, and
we say to it, this time is goingto be different because now I
have a backpack and I have, youknow, like a canteen of water,
(22:53):
and I have hiking boots, and Ihave a hiking stick, and I have
a sherpa.
Let me be your sherpa.
You have help now in order toget there.
And I say this because I knowthat your body doesn't want to
go apply for more jobs becauseit thinks if it does, it's gonna
be stuck back in where it was.
Is that resonating?
Absolutely.
Yeah.
And so I need us to get to thatspace of applying for those
(23:18):
jobs.
So then in those moments whenthat big feeling comes up, all
that is is again, it's just thenervous system remembering all
the past times when thosecompanies were terrible to you.
And now you're gonna tell that,hey, this time we're quitting
faster if it this happens.
If one person even remotelytries to make a sexual innuendo
towards me and my boss, uh-uh,I'm out.
(23:40):
I'm done, or I'm going straightto HR, or I'm filing.
That's the empowerment we'relooking for.
If a boss is talking to you andis like, hey, Cordelia, you
know, we noticed that you'vebeen clocking out at five
o'clock and we really would likeyou to stay till six.
And you're like, well, my hourssay that I'm done at five.
And they're like, yeah, well,here at this company, we have a
team environment where we allstay till six.
(24:01):
And you'd be like, Great, willyou be adjusting my salary then
to adjust for that?
And they're like, what?
No, that's not how we are here.
And it's like, hmm, okay, well,my hours say till five, so
that's what I'll be doing.
And if they're like, well, thatdoesn't really work for us,
you'd be like, Yeah, I reallydon't want to work for a company
that makes their employees domore than they pay them to do.
Thank you for telling me that.
And then we're out.
(24:22):
Because if you start a job and amonth later you quit, so what?
At least you started.
SPEAKER_00 (24:27):
Yes.
SPEAKER_01 (24:27):
That's what I want to teach your body right now.
That you are in full control.
As I say that, what's going oninside of your body?
SPEAKER_00 (24:35):
A little bit of heaviness in the chest, but it's
not that brick or concrete wallthat we always talk about.
It's just a little bit ofheaviness.
Can we check in with thatheaviness?
Give it some attention.
And I think it's just havingmixed feelings between fear, but
not just I hear you, but like Iphysically hear you.
(24:58):
Like I feel supported.
So when I say I hear you, that'swhy I wanted to clarify.
It's not just uh, okay, yeah,you said it, good.
Like I feel like I can my bodyhears you.
It's like you've absorbed it.
SPEAKER_01 (25:11):
Yeah, that's not a really great way to put it.
Yeah.
It was you, you were the way youwere like using your hands.
It looked like you were likeabsorbing.
So you say there's this part ofyou that feels supported, and
there's also this part of youthat feels fear.
Talk me through the fear.
SPEAKER_00 (25:26):
I guess because you know I'm pretty easygoing and
I'm flexible, that gets takenadvantage of sometimes.
SPEAKER_01 (25:34):
Perfect.
Because of your flexibility andyour easygoingness, your fears
that it will be taken advantageof.
So let's make sure that doesn'thappen.
Perfect.
That is so incredibly clear thatthat's exactly what we can work
on.
Because you get to be flexibleand easygoing at your pace.
(25:57):
So if someone comes in and says,Hey, Cordelia, can you go and
run this water bottle overthere?
You could be like, you know, wehave, I could give you scripts
for like in the moment, likelater on when you have a job,
right?
There's little things like, oh,I can't right now.
I'm really busy doing something.
Can you go find someone else?
Right?
We have like ways of likeredirecting, bypassing, kind of
shifting, like things like that.
(26:18):
And then if it becomes aconstant problem, then that's
when we go to the higher, youknow, ups, usually is goes to
our boss.
If we have one-on-ones and we'dsay, Hey, I've noticed that I've
been asked to do stuff thatisn't usually in my scope of
work.
Is this something that normallyhappens here?
This is like, right, what we'redoing is we're collecting
information.
You know how I talk a lot abouthow in relationships, when stuff
(26:40):
is happening, we process it, wepackage it, and we put it up on
a shelf for later.
That's what we want to be doingeach and every time moving
forward.
So somebody comes to you anddoes something you don't like,
we're just going to process it.
So, right, we go through themethod, we go through the
situation, the feelings, whatattachment wound is going on,
what do we need, what boundariesdo we need to communicate?
(27:02):
Do all of that that we do in theprogram, process it, package it,
put it up on the shelf.
And if it happens three times ormore, or a boss comes to you and
says, Hey, Cordelia, how arethings going lately?
You'd be like, Great, thank youfor asking.
Actually, there's this onesituation that keeps happening
that I'd like to touch on.
And now you get to do it withsecureness, with confidence,
(27:22):
with communication, and you knowthat you're not stuck.
Is that making sense?
Yep.
Perfect, perfect.
All right.
So tell me moving forward, whatdo we want to work on this week
as we're wrapping up in terms ofgetting you to that place you
want to go?
I need to ample up my jobsearch.
Okay, perfect.
SPEAKER_00 (27:42):
How can we do that?
Last week, I uh sort of had anetwork reconnect with an old
colleague that I worked with,and he was treated poorly as
well at this last company, andit always bothered me how he got
treated.
He is now in an amazingposition, and I was just like, I
(28:04):
admire you.
Yeah, you took whatever job youcould find afterwards, but you
didn't stay stagnant, you keptyourself moving forward until
you found something that reallybrought you joy.
And I asked him, like, well, isit because of your contacts and
the industry?
Like, how did you end up here?
He goes, LinkedIn.
(28:25):
Just keep on followingcompanies, talking to various
people when you see job postingson LinkedIn, and that's the
forum was for.
It is for job hunting, it is forsharing awareness of companies.
It can be a great tool.
Great.
I hadn't already done my resume,so that part is all good.
(28:48):
Okay, perfect.
SPEAKER_01 (28:49):
Do you have a LinkedIn right now?
Yes, I've had it for like 20years.
Oh, okay, perfect.
Does it need to be updated oranything?
Like, what's our next step thenfor LinkedIn?
SPEAKER_00 (28:56):
This is where I guess I'm a little sort of
unsure, uncomfortable, but hegave some really great advice.
He said, When you see a job youlike, this part I'm aware of.
Like, do you know anybody atthat company?
But if not, he said, Don'thesitate to reach out to
somebody in that company andjust say, I saw this posting.
Like, what can you tell me aboutthis company?
(29:17):
That's great.
That part I'm a littleuncomfortable with.
SPEAKER_01 (29:21):
Okay, talk me through that.
What makes you uncomfortable?
SPEAKER_00 (29:23):
Oh, it just feels like you're walking up to a
stranger for like out of theblue.
SPEAKER_01 (29:28):
I mean, essentially it is, but tell me why that's
uncomfortable.
SPEAKER_00 (29:31):
You know what?
I actually don't really know.
It just feels weird.
SPEAKER_01 (29:34):
Okay, great.
Then let's work through that.
That feeling that it's weird.
Let's start understanding it.
Try it.
Send out an email.
Check in with your body.
How do you feel?
What are you making it mean?
You know, what do you need rightnow for relief?
Is there anything you need to becommunicating to yourself or to
anyone else?
Probably not in that situation,but like, you know, that's the
(29:54):
step.
So we always do it.
So let's look into it.
You're right.
The weirdness is, I mean, if Ican take a, if I can take a wild
guess, I'd say you don't want tobe a burden.
You don't want to be annoying.
You don't want to like bothersomeone.
But that's where we're gonnatrust other people to let them
make their own boundaries.
Here's where this is coming.
This is coming up for me foryou.
(30:15):
So I'm gonna share this.
You are easygoing and flexible.
So you allow other people tokind of come in and take up
space in your life and you allowit a lot of times and you don't
know how to say no, right?
So you you struggle with yourboundaries and you people
please, and and thiseasygoingness is part of you.
It's great, but at the sametime, it's a hindrance, which
means you think other people arethe same way.
(30:35):
You think you can't bother otherpeople because they can't say
no.
But what we want to learn is howto say no for ourselves so we
can trust that other people sayno to us as well.
SPEAKER_00 (30:43):
I think it's more like yes being a burden.
I think it's more like therejection.
Like if they don't respond orthey don't give any insight.
SPEAKER_01 (30:53):
Oh, okay, perfect.
So let's do one.
And then if it happens, come in,we'll talk next week and be
like, okay, Jen, I sent aletter, I've sent like five
LinkedIn things to people, noone has responded.
And I'd be like, okay, great.
So the situation is I sent outcold calls to people, nobody
responded.
How do you feel?
Embarrassed.
(31:14):
Great.
What are you making it mean?
That I'm a loser, that I'mstupid, that I'm annoying, that
I'll never get a job, thatpeople hate me.
Right, okay.
Right, whatever it is.
And then we figure it out fromthere.
Okay.
So I hear you're actually.
Yeah.
So let's do that.
So your goal this week, yourgoal and intention is to amp up
(31:34):
your job search.
SPEAKER_00 (31:35):
Correct.
SPEAKER_01 (31:35):
Start getting out there on LinkedIn.
You already have your resumedone.
Beautiful job.
So proud of you.
Your LinkedIn looks good.
Make sure it's nice and updatedand look at see if there's
anything else you can be doingabout it.
Going in, liking people's posts,commenting, getting up in there.
That's right.
Get on up in that bitch, aspeople would say, right?
Like, yes, like be annoying,girl.
(31:56):
This is like the way to get ajob.
Hell yeah.
People love that tenacity.
Are you kidding me?
And anyone that doesn't likethat tenacity, isn't for you.
Like, this is the best way tovet before you get a job.
If you're going into a companyand like, hey, can you tell me
about this company?
And they're like, oh, I don'treally want to talk to you.
Great, then they're not for you.
This could be like dating.
This is like we are like onlinedating, but for jobs right now,
(32:16):
and I'm so excited for you.
SPEAKER_00 (32:17):
That's funny.
SPEAKER_01 (32:18):
And then after we get your job, we're gonna start
you dating.
Yeah.
That'll be our next eight-weekseries.
It'll be good.
SPEAKER_00 (32:25):
Do you notice how it is like almost everything is
like online dating now?
Oh, yeah.
Meeting friends, getting jobs,like everything is that go.
SPEAKER_01 (32:35):
Yeah.
Everything is online nowadays.
You don't really find thingsorganically like you used to.
It's so, it's so true.
So roll with the changes, rollwith the tides, see what
happens, and we'll get youthere.
I can't wait to hear how yourLinkedIn is going next week.
If you have any resistance orany pushback, write it down,
we'll process through it, andbring it to any of the group
(32:56):
coaching either today or nextweek at all before we talk
again, okay?
SPEAKER_00 (33:00):
Yes.
SPEAKER_01 (33:00):
Anything else before we wrap up today?
No, this was perfect targing,though.
Oh, I'm so glad to hear that.
All right, well, I'll talk toyou next week, okay?
Absolutely.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Take care.
As we wrap up today's episode, Iwant to leave you with this.
Notice what it felt like in yourbody as you listened.
(33:21):
Not what you thought, not whatyou analyzed, what you felt.
Because the real shift in thissession wasn't about fixing the
past or replaying old jobs orold stories.
It was about something muchsimpler and much more powerful.
Learning how to trust yourselfagain in real time.
Learning how to respond insteadof freeze.
(33:44):
Learning how to set small,grounded boundaries before your
nervous system has to scream toget your attention.
That's the work.
And that's exactly what wepractice inside the Speak Honest
Academy.
The Academy is where we takeconversations like this and turn
them into real life skills.
(34:06):
Communication that doesn't comefrom panic.
Boundaries that don't come fromresentment, and confidence that
isn't forced, but felt.
(34:33):
Right now, all of our podcastlisteners get a free month
inside of the Speak HonestAcademy.
You can join with using the codeSECURESTART.
That's S-E-C-U-R-E-S-T-A-R-T.
The link is in the show notes,or you can head to
SpeakHonestacademy.com.
(34:53):
Come and explore with us.
Come and get coached.
Come for the community.
Come and see what it feels liketo be safe, seen, and supported
while you practice showing upmore securely.
What have you got to lose?
If you're ready to stopoverthinking every interaction,
if you're ready to feel moresteady in your body and clearer
(35:17):
in your voice, and if you'reready to build security from the
inside out, I'll be there.
Use the code SECURESTART.
Grab your free month, and I'llsee you inside the Academy.
Happy New Year, everyone.
As we wrap up today'sconversation, always remember
(35:39):
that healing is a journey, not adestination.
And it is an honor to be a partof your healing journey.
If you want to dig deeper intothe topics we covered today, be
sure to head over to our shownotes, where you can find all of
the valuable informationmentioned in today's episode
right there.
And please remember to rate,review, and subscribe if you
enjoyed today's podcast.
(36:00):
Your feedback means the world tous and helps others discover our
podcast.
Until next time, remember tospeak up and speak honest.
Hello, and welcome to Speak Honest.
I am your host and certifiedrelationship coach, Jennifer
Noble.
It has been my passion for overa decade to help women like you
heal.
What's been holding you backfrom having the relationships
you deserve?
Are you struggling with arelationship where you can't
seem to voice your emotions,needs, and boundaries without
(00:26):
having it blow up in your face?
Then you have found the rightpodcast, my friend.
Get ready for practical tips,empowering truths, and honest
conversations.
Now, let's dive in.
Hello, everyone, and welcomeback to another episode of Speak
Honest.
I'm Jen Noble, your go-torelationship coach, and on today
(00:46):
we are diving back in withCordelia for our second coaching
session together.
Well, first off, I want to sayhappy new year to everyone.
I hope you all had a beautifulholiday season, lots of rest,
lots of family, lots of timetogether.
And I hope that you go intotoday's episode really
understanding the stuff thatwe're going to be talking about.
(01:06):
So if you haven't listened tothe first session I did with
Cordelia, totally fine.
You don't need to pause this oneand go listen to that at all.
All of our sessions very muchkind of hold their own weight.
And you'll get plenty of contextas we go on.
But what I want you to knowheading into this one is that
this conversation is not justabout work.
It's about patterns.
(01:28):
It's about what happens when youare capable, flexible,
easygoing, and well-intentioned,and how those exact traits can
quietly turn into burnout,self-doubt, anxiety, and feeling
trapped when boundaries aren'tin place.
In this session, Cordelia sharessomething I hear so much from
(01:51):
women.
She keeps ending up boxed in atwork.
Her role slowly morphs.
Her voice gets dismissed, andher ideas, they get ignored.
And over time, her nervoussystem starts to shut down.
Depression creeps in.
(02:28):
We are gonna talk about toxicwork environments, people
pleasing, and then proactiveversus reactive boundaries and
the real difference between bignose and small nose.
We walk through practicalexamples, like how something as
simple as being asked to takeon, you know, just one little
(02:48):
extra task at work, as they say,can actually be the beginning of
a larger pattern of beingundervalued.
We talk about how burnout isn'ta personal failure.
It's often a trapped response.
It's just your body trying tosurvive a situation that keeps
telling you you don't get tochoose.
(03:10):
Now you'll hear us connect thisback to attachment, nervous
system regulation, and why pastexperiences can make future
opportunities feel dangerous,even when they aren't.
And you'll hear what it actuallylooks like to rebuild
confidence, set boundaries inreal time, and start trusting
yourself again, especially whenfear and support exist at the
(03:35):
same time.
Now, if this sounds likesomething that you need in your
life, or if you're dealing witha big work issue and your boss
isn't treating you properly, oryou're having what is considered
a toxic work environment, then Iwant to invite you to come and
join us inside the Speak HonestAcademy.
This is where we do this worktogether.
(03:56):
This is where you get coachingwith me and other women that are
going through this.
Boundaries, communication,nervous system regulation,
attachment patterns, and reallife scripts you can actually
use, not just theory.
And so if this conversationtoday with Cordelia resonates
with you, you will feel right athome with us over there inside
(04:20):
the Speak Honest Academy.
If it's something you would liketo join, you can scroll on down
to the show notes right now andclick on the link, or easily
enough, just go tospeakhonistacademy.com.
You'll find which option worksbest for you, and I cannot wait
to see you in there.
And now, as you're listeningtoday, I want you to keep a few
(04:40):
things in mind.
Where in your life do you feelboxed in right now, especially
at the start of the new year?
Where is it that you aredreading going back to after all
of this time off?
What have you been callingburnout that might actually be a
trapped nervous system?
And where are you overridingyourself instead of listening to
(05:03):
what your body has been tryingto tell you?
All right, let's dive in.
Hello, Cordelia.
Welcome back.
I am so excited to get startedwith you today.
Let me know what it is that youwould like to work on today
during our session.
SPEAKER_00 (05:23):
I have taken some time off work to heal my nervous
system and start to reevaluatewhat I'd like to do next in
life.
And a pattern I have been seeingis that I'll get into a job and
things will go well for a while.
(05:44):
And then somehow I get put intoa little box.
And I struggle with that becauseI don't know if it's just that I
am easygoing and willing to helpout where it's needed
occasionally, or if people justkind of get wrapped up in their
(06:04):
own head and their own lives,and they're just like, Yeah, you
know what, whatever.
Like just give it to her.
It's difficult because I'm beingignored when I bring up things.
Like there are these kinds ofthings that can make the
workplace more efficient, or youknow, I as part of our last
conversation, this is where myrole was gonna go, and it
doesn't seem like it's gonnahappen.
(06:25):
And each time I just keepgetting the dismissed in various
ways.
SPEAKER_01 (06:32):
Yeah.
So I hear you really saying thatyou want to start figuring out
how you can move forward in ajob when your past patterns have
showed that as soon as you get ajob, you're just gonna be boxed
in again.
You're gonna be required to dothings you don't want to do,
you're gonna have to work for aninefficient workplace, and the
times that you do have concernsor the times you speak up,
(06:55):
you're getting dismissed.
Is that right?
Correct.
Yeah.
Yes.
And so tell me about the cost ofthat for you.
So tell me about like how doesthat affect you in your job?
What do you do later,essentially?
Like when this happens, when youget boxed in, what happens?
SPEAKER_00 (07:12):
Hindsight, obviously, now that I'm starting
to really see the pattern, andit's happened several times.
I inadvertently fall into adepressive state, and I sleep a
lot, or I get super anxious, andthen there's times where
everything bothers me, evensomething as simple as an email
(07:36):
about the parking spot.
It's a fifth data is likeheightened more than it should
be.
SPEAKER_01 (07:44):
This makes total sense to me because the way you
said boxed in, what I'm hearingis I'm trapped.
Would that resonate?
Yes.
Yeah.
And what's happening with a bigtrapped wound, a lot of times
people feel this is burnout.
Like burnout is essentiallyalmost a big attachment wound
around I am trapped, right?
Like I have to do all of thisstuff, or else either it doesn't
(08:06):
get done, or I'm gonna lose myjob, or people won't respect me,
or insert other wounding here.
And so it makes total sense thateven an email comes up.
I I don't know about you, butlike I see this in people.
It's like they physically fearopening up their email when they
get there in the morning at workbecause they're afraid it's
gonna be some other big thing orthey've done something wrong or
(08:27):
something is happening.
Does that track?
Correct.
Yeah.
Okay.
All right.
So we need to start settingstrategies into place that when
you go into your next new job,you're gonna be able to be a
boundary boss, right?
You are gonna be the queen ofstanding up for yourself,
speaking up for yourself,setting boundaries and saying no
over and over and over again.
(08:47):
Because unfortunately,companies, they do just push too
much on us.
They do.
Like that, the unfortunate truthis that's never gonna end.
Like they will always be like,oh, go let Cordelia do it.
She'll do it.
And if we as humans allow thatto happen, then we do get boxed
in.
And now I'm not saying that youallowed that to happen like it's
your fault or anything likethat, but those people-pleasing
(09:10):
mechanisms in us, those fearsinside of us, those attachment
wounds that you had back then,right before you and I met, it
makes total sense.
But now we're gonna have newtools and you're gonna be
rewiring your system movingforward.
So when that happens, because itinevitably will, we'll be able
to handle it in the moment.
How does that sound?
SPEAKER_00 (09:26):
I love the idea of it.
And I think just based oncertain experiences, perhaps, to
touch on random examples on howto handle, which could help
perhaps deal with some of theboundaries.
Like such as, oh, can you takeon making sure that the gym has
water?
Well, how do I say no to that?
(09:48):
I don't think that's a big no.
SPEAKER_01 (09:50):
Okay, great.
But that right-oh, great, can westop down right here?
Yeah.
Okay.
That's why I wanted to bring upan example.
Yes, I love that one.
Perfect example.
Because what I heard you say wasthat's not a big no.
I don't want us to set big no's.
I want us to set little no's.
Those are what remember whenwe've talked about this before?
When we talk about thedifference between proactive and
(10:12):
reactive boundaries, yes.
Proactive boundaries are allthose tiny little no's that we
need to set.
When they say, Hey, could you gorefill the water in the
bathroom?
Or whatever, is that what itwas?
SPEAKER_00 (10:23):
Like they wanted me to take on the responsibility of
making sure that the big waterbottles that there was always an
inventory of bottles in the gym.
So, like if one was empty, youknow, make sure that I got
somebody to bring one up.
SPEAKER_01 (10:37):
Perfect.
So, in that situation, you'regonna ask yourself, is this
something that is in your scopeof work?
Like, is this what you werehired to do?
No.
SPEAKER_00 (10:45):
What it was was just adding things.
They were just trying to give methings to do because they did
not follow through with the jobthat they had originally were
creating.
So it was just finding things todo.
SPEAKER_01 (10:59):
Okay, so in this time, when they asked you to do
the water bottles, or when theyasked you to do the water
bottles in the gym, did you feellike this is what you are being
paid to do?
Like, did you feel like here'smy questions?
Here's how we figure this out.
We ask ourselves, do we have thebandwidth to do this?
Is this what I'm getting paidfor?
And is this what I want to bedoing?
(11:20):
So if we ask ourselves thosethree questions.
So, first off, did you have thetime to do this?
Did you have the bandwidth to doit?
Like, because it sounded likeyou said they didn't have
anything else for you to do.
So could you do it?
Yes, yes.
That's okay.
SPEAKER_00 (11:33):
Physically, yes.
Like, yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (11:35):
But like, but also like time-wise, because again, I
right not knowing your job, Idon't know if this is literally
your job.
Is like, is it like an assistantjob?
Is it the person who keeps trackof inventory?
Do you usually do manual labor?
Like, because not necessarilyknowing what you do, right?
It's it's tough to know, is thissomething you do?
SPEAKER_00 (11:53):
I mean, it's not it was never part of any person's
job scope before.
It was just uh, we need to buildher job duties because obviously
I wasn't being given theoriginal job duties that were
planned.
So they're just kind of addingthings.
Is it difficult?
No, it's just walking to the gymand see what's going on with the
(12:14):
water, and then I get warehouseto bring up a bottle.
SPEAKER_01 (12:17):
Okay, so I'm still, even as we're talking, confused.
Did you want to do it or not?
Like, is this what you're paidto do?
SPEAKER_00 (12:23):
It wasn't what I was supposed to be doing.
That's the problem.
Okay, great.
It was just being like that'swhere some of my issues of the
box in this particular situationcome in.
SPEAKER_01 (12:34):
So in this situation, what is stopping us
from saying, oh hey, this isn'tactually what I'm supposed to be
doing?
Can you guys find something elsefor me?
SPEAKER_00 (12:42):
Highly likely I would have been told that falls
under other duties as required.
Okay.
SPEAKER_01 (12:47):
So then in that case, you'd be like, okay,
great, can I get a list of whatother duties are?
Right.
Do you see what we're doing?
We're asking more questionsbecause if we say yes to
anything that is they do, thenwe become known as the person at
work that'll just do anything.
So we have to start settingthese small boundaries here.
And then if we signed up for ajob, so again, let's say you
signed up to be a receptionistat a company, but then all of a
(13:09):
sudden they want you to startlifting water bottles into the
thing.
You know, we could say, like,hey, you know, I was really
hired in order to be behind thedesk.
This is what I'm best at.
So if we can go ahead and findme some jobs here, that would be
great.
Like, this is how we startsetting those boundaries.
And if in the end you got hiredfor a job and they're like,
well, we just don't have anyhours for you here at the
receptionist, then it's soundingto me like it's just not the
(13:31):
right job for you.
SPEAKER_00 (13:32):
Yes.
SPEAKER_01 (13:32):
Okay.
So in that regard as well, let'snot mistake leaving a job as,
well, I just had anxiety and soI needed to leave the job and my
mental health was messed up, andso this is going to happen
again.
It just sounds like your pastjob wasn't very good at what
they did.
SPEAKER_00 (13:50):
Correct.
They were not very good at whatthey did.
The job before, I remember ithad nothing to do with me.
It was more things that were outof my control, and it was
letting down the customers andmaking my job more difficult.
And when I would bring it upwith said management, they just
talked in circles because theydidn't want to admit their
(14:10):
wrongdoing.
Right.
And what that one was.
And eventually I was like, Ican't do this because it's
making my job more difficult andfrustrating, and then I'm
letting down all the customers.
The ripple effect was just notfair.
And two choices either sit thereand continue or move on and try
something new.
Yeah.
So I did.
(14:30):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (14:31):
So it sounds like you're good.
So tell me what's preventing usfrom because one of the things I
know that we're working on isgoing and getting another job.
So, in my idea, as we're sittinghere talking, you're gonna be
fine moving forward.
You understood that they justdidn't quite have their shit
together, so to speak.
Yes.
And so moving forward, anotherjob might not do that.
(14:52):
So you talked about patterns.
Did this happen at any jobprevious to this job?
Talk me, take me back evenfurther.
SPEAKER_00 (14:59):
Okay.
And so then at my last job whenI lived in another area, it was
really great for the most part.
There was a colleague who likedto stir trouble.
Always is.
Always is.
It was pretty brutal.
Like she would actually flat outtry to say things like I would
(15:20):
was having a secret affair withour director, and she would make
sexual comments, and it wasreally bad.
And our director was just likehis attitude, unfortunately, was
you women.
I was like, that's not fair.
This isn't about you women,because when she was on Mat
Leave and there was somebodyelse in that position, the
atmosphere was completelydifferent.
(15:40):
So he had seen a difference, butwhen she came back from Mat
Leave and all of the stuff hadstarted again, he just didn't
want to deal with it.
And when I finally took it tothe union, she retaliated and
which obviously to be expected,but then they just they didn't
want to deal with it.
SPEAKER_01 (15:57):
They're just like, oh, it's not our scope.
Yeah, Anna, unfortunately, thatone as well just sounds like you
got dealt a bad hand again.
Like if you go to HR, if you goor I don't know what it's like
up there, right?
But like if you you must haveHR, like at these jobs.
SPEAKER_00 (16:10):
If you go to HR and there's HR and the union, yes.
Yes, yeah.
You did everything right.
I did.
And then they retaliated andtried to tell me that I because
there was somebody else in theoffice who wasn't related to our
job.
They just happened to use thespace.
She went to HR and said thatCordelia's never at work and she
(16:31):
takes like two-hour lunches.
And I was able to prove thatthat was not true.
I gave them sort of a summary ofall my emails, screenshots of
like all my days, and okay,great.
It just seemed like they wantedto get rid of it all and just
start from scratch.
They didn't want to deal withit.
SPEAKER_01 (16:48):
Yeah.
So, and then what about beforethat?
What about the job before that?
SPEAKER_00 (16:52):
Before that, I was a recruiter for a staffing agency.
I had good hours, but I wasn'tbringing in enough new business.
However, it felt like on somelevel, and it wasn't just me, a
colleague who had recommended mefor the job, saw it too.
(17:12):
That for some reason the managerjust looked down on me, and we
could never quite figure outwhy.
Like she would get mad if Ihadn't changed my shoes out of
my runners right away.
Or if I wasn't wearing a blazer,if I was wearing a cardigan
instead.
She was harping on me for allthese little things, which, as I
(17:33):
said, the colleague thatrecommended me for the job just
did not understand where any ofthat was coming from.
SPEAKER_01 (17:38):
Okay.
So listening to the last threejobs, the pattern that I hear is
unfortunately not anything to dowith you, and everything to do
with toxic work environments.
So let's look at thatobjectively.
I like that.
I appreciate that.
Yeah, legit.
And you know, I'd be very honestwith you and I would like to
call you out if I was like, no,we have to stop it here.
But no, I'm listening.
(17:59):
And unfortunately, this is justthe way some jobs are.
But what I want to know ismoving forward, almost like
dating.
How can we vet the jobs movingforward?
So you can ask better questions.
So you can be like, hey, whatwould you do in this situation
if you had a boss handle this?
What is your HR department like?
(18:20):
How do you handle toxic workenvironments?
What is the plan in place ifthere is any sexual harassment?
These are the questions we needto be asking our employers.
And so I want to encourage usthat we can do this moving
forward.
You're gonna get so much moreempowerment in yourself.
And in turn, I think that'sgonna help you understand that
you can break out of any boxthat they put you in because you
(18:43):
are not beholden to them at all.
How does that land as I saythat?
Twofold.
SPEAKER_00 (18:49):
Kind of makes me want to cry, but in the sense of
like somebody else actually kindof seeing what I see.
Because at the same time,generally people are gonna be
like, Well, what's a commondenominator?
SPEAKER_01 (19:03):
Yeah, the common denominator to me sounds like
corporate, but go on.
SPEAKER_00 (19:06):
Yeah, I just I and I've always thrived on being
honest and direct.
So, like when I was working atthat one job with the director,
and he was a part-time director,part-time something else in the
field.
So he wasn't in the office fivedays a week, which was fine.
But when he was in the office,he knew everything that was
going on.
(19:27):
I could go in there for an houror two hours, we'd sit and we go
through everything that wasgoing on.
And so when he would be out andabout and and talking to other
members of the field, and hewould hear things, he'd know
beforehand because I told himand he appreciated that.
But again, the toxic colleaguewas like, Why are you in there
for two hours?
What are you doing?
(19:47):
And I looked at her one day andI said, The door is open.
Why don't you come on in andjoin us?
SPEAKER_01 (19:52):
Yeah, yeah.
But you're going through what Ithink honestly, so many people
are going through that you don'teven realize it, which is the
amount of toxic work.
Workplace environment that weall have to deal with.
And we have been taught that,oh, just put up with it.
Oh, just deal with it.
Oh, just hide.
Oh, just don't talk about it.
Oh, just you're the sensitiveone.
And it's just that's completehorseshit.
(20:12):
We shouldn't have to put up withthis kind of stuff.
And is there tips and tricks wecould do moving forward if
anything happens again?
Yes.
But I think moving forward,let's first get you in that job
so we can see what problemswe're going to have.
And then let's adaptaccordingly.
So behind us in the past, therewas just so much toxicity thrown
(20:32):
at you that given where you wereback then, because when you and
I weren't even working togetherback then, all of that stuff,
this is years ago, decades ago,given the situations, the
attachment style you have, thefamily life you grew up with,
everything that we know about,it makes sense that this would
feel so heavy and hard.
It does.
And we don't even need to goback and fix any of these
situations.
Because honestly, the most ofthose people are just freaking
(20:55):
dickheads.
They just are.
And I'm sorry that you had todeal with that.
SPEAKER_00 (20:59):
You actually triggered something.
It's a good thing, though.
Like off and on, I've like hadissues in my career, whatever.
And you're right, like thereception jobs and they try to
tackle other things a long timeago, doesn't matter.
But I would say the last like 15years, so I guess like the last
four jobs, there has beensomething.
And it just kept building andbuilding and building.
(21:21):
That I know when I moved back towhere I am now, you know, nine
years ago, I was already feelingburnt out from the previous two
jobs.
Here we are, two more jobs,because obviously I didn't heal
and I didn't understand burnoutor nervous system.
Two more happened, and now themountain got bigger, which is
where I am now working with youto break down that mountain and
(21:45):
build up the confidence to speakbetter and be aware better.
SPEAKER_01 (21:49):
If we stick on with that analogy, you were hiking
incredibly rough mountaintopsbefore you even understood how
to hike.
You were thrown into mountainswithout any help, any packages,
any bags, any walking sticks,and you were just told and
(22:10):
gaslit and invalidated anddismissed to be told, well, you
should just already know what todo.
And that's just not fair.
And so, what I don't want us tosee happen is I what I don't
want you to think is this.
I don't want you to look forwardand see those same mountains.
Because here's why.
We don't know at your next jobif there's even going to be
those mountaintops or not.
So that's our first step is Iwant us to regulate our nervous
(22:31):
system enough to understand thatthe path forward isn't
necessarily gonna look like thepath behind us.
Now it might, and there mightstill be some.
But the difference is gonna be,and this is how we teach our
nervous system.
This is how we help that bigheaviness that lands in you, and
we say to it, this time is goingto be different because now I
have a backpack and I have, youknow, like a canteen of water,
(22:53):
and I have hiking boots, and Ihave a hiking stick, and I have
a sherpa.
Let me be your sherpa.
You have help now in order toget there.
And I say this because I knowthat your body doesn't want to
go apply for more jobs becauseit thinks if it does, it's gonna
be stuck back in where it was.
Is that resonating?
Absolutely.
Yeah.
And so I need us to get to thatspace of applying for those
(23:18):
jobs.
So then in those moments whenthat big feeling comes up, all
that is is again, it's just thenervous system remembering all
the past times when thosecompanies were terrible to you.
And now you're gonna tell that,hey, this time we're quitting
faster if it this happens.
If one person even remotelytries to make a sexual innuendo
towards me and my boss, uh-uh,I'm out.
(23:40):
I'm done, or I'm going straightto HR, or I'm filing.
That's the empowerment we'relooking for.
If a boss is talking to you andis like, hey, Cordelia, you
know, we noticed that you'vebeen clocking out at five
o'clock and we really would likeyou to stay till six.
And you're like, well, my hourssay that I'm done at five.
And they're like, yeah, well,here at this company, we have a
team environment where we allstay till six.
(24:01):
And you'd be like, Great, willyou be adjusting my salary then
to adjust for that?
And they're like, what?
No, that's not how we are here.
And it's like, hmm, okay, well,my hours say till five, so
that's what I'll be doing.
And if they're like, well, thatdoesn't really work for us,
you'd be like, Yeah, I reallydon't want to work for a company
that makes their employees domore than they pay them to do.
Thank you for telling me that.
And then we're out.
(24:22):
Because if you start a job and amonth later you quit, so what?
At least you started.
SPEAKER_00 (24:27):
Yes.
SPEAKER_01 (24:27):
That's what I want to teach your body right now.
That you are in full control.
As I say that, what's going oninside of your body?
SPEAKER_00 (24:35):
A little bit of heaviness in the chest, but it's
not that brick or concrete wallthat we always talk about.
It's just a little bit ofheaviness.
Can we check in with thatheaviness?
Give it some attention.
And I think it's just havingmixed feelings between fear, but
not just I hear you, but like Iphysically hear you.
(24:58):
Like I feel supported.
So when I say I hear you, that'swhy I wanted to clarify.
It's not just uh, okay, yeah,you said it, good.
Like I feel like I can my bodyhears you.
It's like you've absorbed it.
SPEAKER_01 (25:11):
Yeah, that's not a really great way to put it.
Yeah.
It was you, you were the way youwere like using your hands.
It looked like you were likeabsorbing.
So you say there's this part ofyou that feels supported, and
there's also this part of youthat feels fear.
Talk me through the fear.
SPEAKER_00 (25:26):
I guess because you know I'm pretty easygoing and
I'm flexible, that gets takenadvantage of sometimes.
SPEAKER_01 (25:34):
Perfect.
Because of your flexibility andyour easygoingness, your fears
that it will be taken advantageof.
So let's make sure that doesn'thappen.
Perfect.
That is so incredibly clear thatthat's exactly what we can work
on.
Because you get to be flexibleand easygoing at your pace.
(25:57):
So if someone comes in and says,Hey, Cordelia, can you go and
run this water bottle overthere?
You could be like, you know, wehave, I could give you scripts
for like in the moment, likelater on when you have a job,
right?
There's little things like, oh,I can't right now.
I'm really busy doing something.
Can you go find someone else?
Right?
We have like ways of likeredirecting, bypassing, kind of
shifting, like things like that.
(26:18):
And then if it becomes aconstant problem, then that's
when we go to the higher, youknow, ups, usually is goes to
our boss.
If we have one-on-ones and we'dsay, Hey, I've noticed that I've
been asked to do stuff thatisn't usually in my scope of
work.
Is this something that normallyhappens here?
This is like, right, what we'redoing is we're collecting
information.
You know how I talk a lot abouthow in relationships, when stuff
(26:40):
is happening, we process it, wepackage it, and we put it up on
a shelf for later.
That's what we want to be doingeach and every time moving
forward.
So somebody comes to you anddoes something you don't like,
we're just going to process it.
So, right, we go through themethod, we go through the
situation, the feelings, whatattachment wound is going on,
what do we need, what boundariesdo we need to communicate?
(27:02):
Do all of that that we do in theprogram, process it, package it,
put it up on the shelf.
And if it happens three times ormore, or a boss comes to you and
says, Hey, Cordelia, how arethings going lately?
You'd be like, Great, thank youfor asking.
Actually, there's this onesituation that keeps happening
that I'd like to touch on.
And now you get to do it withsecureness, with confidence,
(27:22):
with communication, and you knowthat you're not stuck.
Is that making sense?
Yep.
Perfect, perfect.
All right.
So tell me moving forward, whatdo we want to work on this week
as we're wrapping up in terms ofgetting you to that place you
want to go?
I need to ample up my jobsearch.
Okay, perfect.
SPEAKER_00 (27:42):
How can we do that?
Last week, I uh sort of had anetwork reconnect with an old
colleague that I worked with,and he was treated poorly as
well at this last company, andit always bothered me how he got
treated.
He is now in an amazingposition, and I was just like, I
(28:04):
admire you.
Yeah, you took whatever job youcould find afterwards, but you
didn't stay stagnant, you keptyourself moving forward until
you found something that reallybrought you joy.
And I asked him, like, well, isit because of your contacts and
the industry?
Like, how did you end up here?
He goes, LinkedIn.
(28:25):
Just keep on followingcompanies, talking to various
people when you see job postingson LinkedIn, and that's the
forum was for.
It is for job hunting, it is forsharing awareness of companies.
It can be a great tool.
Great.
I hadn't already done my resume,so that part is all good.
(28:48):
Okay, perfect.
SPEAKER_01 (28:49):
Do you have a LinkedIn right now?
Yes, I've had it for like 20years.
Oh, okay, perfect.
Does it need to be updated oranything?
Like, what's our next step thenfor LinkedIn?
SPEAKER_00 (28:56):
This is where I guess I'm a little sort of
unsure, uncomfortable, but hegave some really great advice.
He said, When you see a job youlike, this part I'm aware of.
Like, do you know anybody atthat company?
But if not, he said, Don'thesitate to reach out to
somebody in that company andjust say, I saw this posting.
Like, what can you tell me aboutthis company?
(29:17):
That's great.
That part I'm a littleuncomfortable with.
SPEAKER_01 (29:21):
Okay, talk me through that.
What makes you uncomfortable?
SPEAKER_00 (29:23):
Oh, it just feels like you're walking up to a
stranger for like out of theblue.
SPEAKER_01 (29:28):
I mean, essentially it is, but tell me why that's
uncomfortable.
SPEAKER_00 (29:31):
You know what?
I actually don't really know.
It just feels weird.
SPEAKER_01 (29:34):
Okay, great.
Then let's work through that.
That feeling that it's weird.
Let's start understanding it.
Try it.
Send out an email.
Check in with your body.
How do you feel?
What are you making it mean?
You know, what do you need rightnow for relief?
Is there anything you need to becommunicating to yourself or to
anyone else?
Probably not in that situation,but like, you know, that's the
(29:54):
step.
So we always do it.
So let's look into it.
You're right.
The weirdness is, I mean, if Ican take a, if I can take a wild
guess, I'd say you don't want tobe a burden.
You don't want to be annoying.
You don't want to like bothersomeone.
But that's where we're gonnatrust other people to let them
make their own boundaries.
Here's where this is coming.
This is coming up for me foryou.
(30:15):
So I'm gonna share this.
You are easygoing and flexible.
So you allow other people tokind of come in and take up
space in your life and you allowit a lot of times and you don't
know how to say no, right?
So you you struggle with yourboundaries and you people
please, and and thiseasygoingness is part of you.
It's great, but at the sametime, it's a hindrance, which
means you think other people arethe same way.
(30:35):
You think you can't bother otherpeople because they can't say
no.
But what we want to learn is howto say no for ourselves so we
can trust that other people sayno to us as well.
SPEAKER_00 (30:43):
I think it's more like yes being a burden.
I think it's more like therejection.
Like if they don't respond orthey don't give any insight.
SPEAKER_01 (30:53):
Oh, okay, perfect.
So let's do one.
And then if it happens, come in,we'll talk next week and be
like, okay, Jen, I sent aletter, I've sent like five
LinkedIn things to people, noone has responded.
And I'd be like, okay, great.
So the situation is I sent outcold calls to people, nobody
responded.
How do you feel?
Embarrassed.
(31:14):
Great.
What are you making it mean?
That I'm a loser, that I'mstupid, that I'm annoying, that
I'll never get a job, thatpeople hate me.
Right, okay.
Right, whatever it is.
And then we figure it out fromthere.
Okay.
So I hear you're actually.
Yeah.
So let's do that.
So your goal this week, yourgoal and intention is to amp up
(31:34):
your job search.
SPEAKER_00 (31:35):
Correct.
SPEAKER_01 (31:35):
Start getting out there on LinkedIn.
You already have your resumedone.
Beautiful job.
So proud of you.
Your LinkedIn looks good.
Make sure it's nice and updatedand look at see if there's
anything else you can be doingabout it.
Going in, liking people's posts,commenting, getting up in there.
That's right.
Get on up in that bitch, aspeople would say, right?
Like, yes, like be annoying,girl.
(31:56):
This is like the way to get ajob.
Hell yeah.
People love that tenacity.
Are you kidding me?
And anyone that doesn't likethat tenacity, isn't for you.
Like, this is the best way tovet before you get a job.
If you're going into a companyand like, hey, can you tell me
about this company?
And they're like, oh, I don'treally want to talk to you.
Great, then they're not for you.
This could be like dating.
This is like we are like onlinedating, but for jobs right now,
(32:16):
and I'm so excited for you.
SPEAKER_00 (32:17):
That's funny.
SPEAKER_01 (32:18):
And then after we get your job, we're gonna start
you dating.
Yeah.
That'll be our next eight-weekseries.
It'll be good.
SPEAKER_00 (32:25):
Do you notice how it is like almost everything is
like online dating now?
Oh, yeah.
Meeting friends, getting jobs,like everything is that go.
SPEAKER_01 (32:35):
Yeah.
Everything is online nowadays.
You don't really find thingsorganically like you used to.
It's so, it's so true.
So roll with the changes, rollwith the tides, see what
happens, and we'll get youthere.
I can't wait to hear how yourLinkedIn is going next week.
If you have any resistance orany pushback, write it down,
we'll process through it, andbring it to any of the group
(32:56):
coaching either today or nextweek at all before we talk
again, okay?
SPEAKER_00 (33:00):
Yes.
SPEAKER_01 (33:00):
Anything else before we wrap up today?
No, this was perfect targing,though.
Oh, I'm so glad to hear that.
All right, well, I'll talk toyou next week, okay?
Absolutely.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Take care.
As we wrap up today's episode, Iwant to leave you with this.
Notice what it felt like in yourbody as you listened.
(33:21):
Not what you thought, not whatyou analyzed, what you felt.
Because the real shift in thissession wasn't about fixing the
past or replaying old jobs orold stories.
It was about something muchsimpler and much more powerful.
Learning how to trust yourselfagain in real time.
Learning how to respond insteadof freeze.
(33:44):
Learning how to set small,grounded boundaries before your
nervous system has to scream toget your attention.
That's the work.
And that's exactly what wepractice inside the Speak Honest
Academy.
The Academy is where we takeconversations like this and turn
them into real life skills.
(34:06):
Communication that doesn't comefrom panic.
Boundaries that don't come fromresentment, and confidence that
isn't forced, but felt.
(34:33):
Right now, all of our podcastlisteners get a free month
inside of the Speak HonestAcademy.
You can join with using the codeSECURESTART.
That's S-E-C-U-R-E-S-T-A-R-T.
The link is in the show notes,or you can head to
SpeakHonestacademy.com.
(34:53):
Come and explore with us.
Come and get coached.
Come for the community.
Come and see what it feels liketo be safe, seen, and supported
while you practice showing upmore securely.
What have you got to lose?
If you're ready to stopoverthinking every interaction,
if you're ready to feel moresteady in your body and clearer
(35:17):
in your voice, and if you'reready to build security from the
inside out, I'll be there.
Use the code SECURESTART.
Grab your free month, and I'llsee you inside the Academy.
Happy New Year, everyone.
As we wrap up today'sconversation, always remember
(35:39):
that healing is a journey, not adestination.
And it is an honor to be a partof your healing journey.
If you want to dig deeper intothe topics we covered today, be
sure to head over to our shownotes, where you can find all of
the valuable informationmentioned in today's episode
right there.
And please remember to rate,review, and subscribe if you
enjoyed today's podcast.
(36:00):
Your feedback means the world tous and helps others discover our
podcast.
Until next time, remember tospeak up and speak honest.
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