62. You Said You Forgave Him... So Why Are You Still Hurting?

Ever caught yourself thinking, “Why doesn’t this feel better yet... even though we said we’re moving forward?”
In this episode of Speak Honest, we’re diving deep into what it really takes to rebuild trust after a rupture and why it’s not as simple as saying “I forgive you.” I share the story of my client Maya, whose partner broke her trust financially, and how she moved from confusion and resentment to clarity and connection. We’ll talk about why self-trust is the real foundation of healing, how testing your partner might be a sign of unspoken pain, and the key difference between asking for what you need versus punishing someone for hurting you. It’s raw, it’s real, and it’s one of the most important conversations we’ve had yet.

You might want to listen if:
• You’re staying after a betrayal but still feel stuck or unsettled
• You’re constantly second-guessing your feelings or reactions
• You’ve been asking your partner for more... and it still doesn’t feel like enough
• You’re struggling to name your pain without feeling “too sensitive”
• You want to rebuild trust without abandoning yourself again

FIND OUT MORE!

• Apply for FREE Coaching with Jenn
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• Become a Relationship Reboot Member and access all you need to become secure.
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DISCLAIMER: Speak Honest podcast content is informational, not professional or medical advice. Jenn is an ICF relationship coach, not a licensed therapist. Consult health ...

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:05):
Hello and welcome to Speak Honest.
I am your host and certifiedrelationship coach, Jennifer
Noble.
It has been my passion for overa decade to help women like you
heal what's been holding youback from having the
relationships you deserve.
Are you struggling with arelationship where you can't
seem to voice your emotions,needs and boundaries without

(00:26):
having it blow up in your face?
Then you have found the rightpodcast, my friend.
Get ready for practical tips,empowering truths and honest
conversations.
Now let's dive in.
Hello everyone and welcome backto another episode of Speak
Honest.
I'm Jen\ Noble, your go-torelationship coach, and on
today's episode we are going todive into something that I think

(00:48):
so many of us have experienced,whether we've said it out loud
or not, but it's that lingeringquestion can I ever trust them
again?
It's that moment when somethinghappens.
Maybe they lied, maybe theyshut you out, maybe they crossed
a really big boundary, andsuddenly your whole nervous
system feels shaky.

(01:09):
You don't know what's realanymore.
You start second-guessingeverything around you and the
worst part is, half the time youstart questioning yourself.
And that's what betrayal does.
And rebuilding trust,especially if you're choosing to
stay, is one of the hardestthings you can possibly do in a

(01:30):
relationship.
So in this episode, I'm walkingyou through what rebuilding
trust actually looks like thepatterns that get in the way,
like testing your partnerwithout even realizing it, and
how to reconnect with the mostimportant kind of trust the
trust in yourself.
And hey, if you're listening tothis and you're thinking, oh my

(01:51):
gosh, Jenn, this is exactlywhat I'm struggling with, I want
you to know that you don't haveto do this on your own.
Inside the Relationship RebootProgram, this is the work we do
together.
We get weekly live coachingtogether and a private space to
ask your questions and getsupport.
It's a small group of women whoare walking the same journey.

(02:14):
So if you've been trying to fixthings alone, I want this to be
your sign you don't have toanymore.
You can get support, we can dothis together and you can
rebuild trust without abandoningyourself in the process.
Now I want you to listen tothis week's episode and see what
it is that you can take awayfrom it.

(02:34):
So let's talk about whatrebuilding trust actually looks
like, because it's not achecklist, it's not step one say
sorry.
Step two, give it time.
No real trust repair is messy,it's emotional and it's layered.
And here's the truth you can'trepair something you won't admit

(02:58):
is broken.
And yet this is where so manywomen get stuck, especially
those of us who are used tobeing the emotional glue in our
relationships.
You feel the hurt, but insteadof naming it, you swallow it.
You say, ah, it's not thatserious.
You know, I don't want to makethings worse, it's not that big
of a deal.
You start managing his emotionswithout honoring your own, and

(03:23):
that's exactly what my client,maya, did.
After finding out that herhusband had opened a secret
credit card and built up debtwithout telling her she wanted
to move on quickly.
She told herself oh, you know,at least he didn't cheat, it's
just money.
It's not that big of a deal, wecan fix this.
And she's right, they can fixthis.

(03:46):
But something still didn't feelright.
She found herself pulling away,not asking about the bills,
feeling her chest tighten whenshe saw a bank statement.
And that's when she came to meand said "Jenn, I don't get it.
I said I was fine, I feel fine,I want to make this work.
It's not that big of a deal.
Why does it still feel like I'mnot okay?

(04:06):
"Because what actually broke
wasn't about the money.
It was about safety, abouthonesty, about being kept in the
dark by someone who promised toshare life with her.
And that's the rupture.
It's that moment when yournervous system no longer feels
safe, even if your brain istrying to rationalize it.

(04:27):
Acknowledging the rupture meanssaying things that you're
trying to avoid, the hard thingslike, hey, this hurt me, this
shifted something in me, thischanged the way I feel in this
relationship.
And listen, this isn't aboutbeing dramatic or oversensitive.
And listen, this isn't aboutbeing dramatic or oversensitive.
It's about being honest.
You're not punishing them bynaming the pain.

(04:50):
You're protecting yourself frombrushing past it and living in
quiet resentment.
And here's what I told Maya Ifyou can't name it, you're going
to carry it, and if you carry itwithout looking at it, it's
going to leak into everythingelse around you your tone, your
trust, your body language, evenyour self-esteem.

(05:12):
So the first step in rebuildingtrust isn't fixing it, it's
feeling it.
And after you learn how to feelit, we can actually get into
what trusting actually is andwhat it's not.
Because most people think trustis just about someone proving
that they've changed and they'redoing all the right things now.
But real trust, it's about therelationship with yourself.

(05:35):
So when Maya first startedworking with me, she said I just
want to trust him again workingwith me.
She said I just want to trusthim again.
But when we peeled back thelayers, she realized that what
she really didn't trust washerself.
See, she didn't trust thatshe'd be able to speak up the
next time something fell off.
She didn't trust her intuition.

(05:56):
She didn't trust that if a linewas crossed again, she'd be
able to actually do somethingabout it and set that boundary
that was needed.
And this is where so many womenget stuck, because we've been
taught that trust is aboutwhether they behave better.
But if you're rebuilding trustwithout rebuilding your own

(06:17):
self-trust, then you're nevergoing to feel safe.
You're constantly going tomonitor them.
You'll overanalyze everythingthat they say.
You'll hold your breath,waiting for the next thing to go
wrong, because, deep down, youdon't trust that you'll leave if
you need to.
So what does trust actually looklike?
It's not just about them beingconsistent.

(06:40):
It's about you being consistentConsistent with your values,
consistent with your voice, withyour boundaries, with your
needs.
I want you to know that.
Trust is knowing that ifsomething feels wrong, I won't
gaslight myself out of it.
Trust is knowing I can sit withthe hard things but I won't

(07:01):
tolerate disrespect.
And trust is knowing I'llchoose myself before I betray
myself.
And that's what we work oninside of the Relationship
Reboot program building a kindof trust that doesn't crumble
every time someone lets you down, because you've learned how to
anchor in yourself and thatself-trust.

(07:24):
It changes everything.
Now I want to talk about whatactual repair looks like.
This is where things usuallyget a little bit confusing,
because repair isn't aboutmaking big grand gestures or
saying the right words orshowing up the right way.
It's about rebuildingconsistency and safety slowly,

(07:45):
steadily and honestly.
And the most important thing Ican tell you here is this
Forgiveness has to come beforethe needs and the boundaries are
stated, otherwise it's notrepair, it's a test.
Now let me explain this.
See, after Maya and her husbandhad agreed to move forward after

(08:06):
the whole card incident, shestarted asking him for certain
things.
Well within her right, in fact,I worked with her on this to
show up for what she needed.
She needed weekly financialcheck-ins, she needed more
transparency with their financesand she needed more emotional
openness.
Those are all beautiful, butevery time he tried to meet her
needs, she changed the rules onhim.

(08:28):
She kept moving the goalpost.
Do you see what's happeninghere?
One week she wanted weeklycheck-ins, but when he wasn't
showing up exactly how shewanted him to the next week it
became daily updates and then itwas well, you're not remorseful
enough and you're only doingthis because I told you to.
Do you see how this becomes amoving target?

(08:51):
This is where we keep movingthe goalposts on our men and it
leaves them feeling confused andfrustrated.
But now, this doesn't mean thathe didn't have work to do.
Of course he had a lot to do,but what was happening here was
not repair, it was testing.
See, when we looked deeper,maya realized she hadn't

(09:12):
actually fully forgiven him yet.
She still felt hurt and shedidn't feel very safe with him.
So instead of saying that, shewas trying to make him prove his
love by jumping through all ofthese emotional hoops.
But here's the problem when youkeep moving the goalpost on
your partner, your partner can'tshow up for you in a real way.
They're not sure what youactually need and eventually

(09:34):
they'll either burn out orcompletely shut down.
Forgiveness does not meanforgetting.
It doesn't mean excusing whathappened, but it does mean
making a conscious choice tostop punishing them, to start
focusing on what you actuallyneed, moving forward and coming

(09:55):
from a place of forgiveness.
While you do See, once Mayaforgave her husband, she was
able to get clear again and shesaid here's what I need to feel
safe.
And she stuck to it.
She didn't keep changing theneeds or the boundaries, she
didn't turn her needs into aguessing game.
And you know what?
Her husband started showing upmore consistently because the

(10:18):
expectations were more clear andthe energy shifted from
punishment to partnership.
So if you're listening to thisand you're thinking I keep
asking for more and it stilldoesn't feel like enough, then I
want you to pause and askyourself have I truly forgiven
them yet?
Am I asking for what I need oram I asking them to make up for

(10:38):
my pain, them to make up for mypain?
Am I repairing or am I testing?
This isn't about shame.
It's about clarity, becauseclarity creates safety for you
and for them.
When Maya learned to acknowledgeher pain, not dismiss it, not
say oh, it's not that bad, hedidn't cheat on me, it's not a
big deal she started to shiftsomething inside of herself.

(11:01):
That self-compassion gave herpermission to stop minimizing
and to stop overriding what shefelt, and that changed
everything, because when shehonored her pain, she realized
that her instincts were real,her feelings were valid, her
body was telling the truth andit was safe to listen.
From that place she was able tostart trusting her husband

(11:23):
again, not because he provedhimself enough, but because she
knew that, no matter whathappened next, she could trust
herself.
And when she trusted herself,she stopped asking for things
from a place of fear orresentment.
She began asking for what sheneeded from a place of clarity
and forgiveness.

(11:43):
And that's when the repairstarted to feel like a
partnership.
She wasn't testing him anymore.
She was working with him torebuild the relationship and, as
a result, they didn't just getback to where they were, they
built something even stronger.
They built resilience, the kindof trust that's deeper than oh

(12:04):
hey, we never fight or we'redoing okay all the time.
No, they built the kind ofconnection that weathers hard
things, because it's rooted intruth.
Thank you all so much for beinghere with me this week.
I really hope that you see thattrust is the foundation of
connection, and you deserve aconnection that doesn't keep you

(12:27):
in survival mode, one where youdon't have to over-function
just to feel secure, arelationship where your needs
are honored and where you feelproud of the way you're showing
up.
So I want to leave you withthis when in your life have you
been minimizing a rupture?
Where have you been testinginstead of forgiving?

(12:49):
And what would it look like torebuild trust, not just with
someone else, but with yourself?
If this episode stirredsomething in you, I want you to
know that this work doesn't endhere.
This is what we do every singleweek inside the Relationship
Reboot Program.
We go deep, we go hard and wedo the real work.

(13:10):
We talk about how yourattachment style plays into
these patterns.
We explore the emotional woundsunderneath your communication
struggles.
We build your confidence insetting boundaries and asking
for what you need and stayingrooted in your truth, without
all the guilt or all the shameor all the second guessing.
And you don't have to do italone.

(13:32):
Inside the Relationship Rebootprogram, you get weekly live
coaching calls with me and acommunity of women that are so
incredibly supportive oh, theymean the world to me and you get
a step-by-step program thattakes you from feeling insecure
in your relationships tocommunicating like the badass.
I know that you are and ifyou're ready to stop spinning in

(13:54):
circles and start creatingemotional safety inside of
yourself and in yourrelationships, then this is your
next step.
You can get all the details andjoin us using the links in the
show notes.
I hope you scroll on down, findwhat you need and come and join
us.
But listen, I cannot wait tospeak with you all next week
here on the Speak Honest podcast.
Until then, take care.

(14:19):
As we wrap up today'sconversation, always remember
that healing is a journey, not adestination, and it is an honor
to be a part of your healingjourney.
If you want to dig deeper intothe topics we covered today, be
sure to head over to our shownotes, where you can find all of
the valuable informationmentioned in today's episode
right there, and please rememberto rate, review and subscribe

(14:41):
if you enjoyed today's podcast.
Your feedback means the worldto us and helps others discover
our podcast.
Until next time, remember tospeak up and speak honest.