May 21, 2025 • 15 mins
Ever walked away from a conversation thinking, “How did that go so wrong so fast?”
In this episode, I’m breaking down my go-to tool for untangling communication breakdowns before they blow up into full-on fights. It’s called the SHIT Method—Said, Heard, Intention, Try Again—and no, it’s not just a cheeky name. This is the exact process I teach my clients to slow down the spiral, make sense of what actually happened in the conversation, and get to the root of the disconnect without blame or shame.
We’ll go through real-life examples (like the text that came off too cold or the “Can you slow down?” that turned into a trust issue), and I’ll show you how to clean up the mess in a way that brings you closer—not further apart.
You might want to listen if:
- You find yourself saying “That’s not what I meant!” more than you’d like
- You or your partner tend to get defensive (fast)
- You replay arguments in your head, trying to figure out where it went wrong
- You shut down or lash out instead of saying what you really feel
- You want a clear, compassionate way to repair miscommunication in real time
FIND OUT MORE!
- Apply for FREE Coaching with Jenn
- Join the DANCE CIRCLE - Get updates on Jenn's debut book "Dance of Attachment"
- Join our FREE Community! Speak Honest Facebook Group 🧡
- Become a Relationship Reboot Member and access all you need to become secure.
- Schedule your Free 30 min Attachment Assessment with Jenn Today!
- Watch Jenn on the 🔴 TEDx Stage!
- Download your free Workbook: Dance of Attachment
- Visit www.speak-honest.com to learn more
- Follow Jenn on Instagram: @speak_honest
- Like the episode? Please write a review, your words help others find us!
DISCLAIMER: Speak Honest podcast content is informational, not professional or medical advice. Jenn is an ICF relationship coach, not a licensed therapist. Consult health ...
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Jenn (00:05):
Hello and welcome to Speak Honest.
I am your host and certifiedrelationship coach, jennifer
Noble.
It has been my passion for overa decade to help women like you
heal what's been holding youback from having the
relationships you deserve.
Are you struggling with arelationship where you can't
seem to voice your emotions,needs and boundaries without
(00:26):
having it blow up in your face?
Then you have found the rightpodcast, my friend.
Get ready for practical tips,empowering truths and honest
conversations.
Now let's dive in.
Hello everyone and welcome backto another episode of Speak
Honest.
I am Jen Noble, your go-torelationship coach, and on
(00:49):
today's episode I want to talkto you about what it's like to
try to communicate with someoneand you think you said maybe
something neutral or something,when you're trying to make it
better and then it blows up inyour face.
And this is when we need toclean up our shits.
And what I mean by that is wehave a shit method of
communication here at SpeakHonest where we utilize this
ability to be able to hear whatsomeone else is saying and be
(01:10):
able to understand theirintention.
So shit communication standsfor said, heard, intention and
try again.
So you hear that.
So, before we get started, Iwanted to reach out to you and
say, if you are looking to getmore coaching on this shit level
of communication, then I wantto invite you to be on the
(01:30):
podcast right now.
So if, as you're listening totoday's episode, you're thinking
, jen, that sounds really great,but my situation is different.
My situation is more nuanced.
You can't possibly understandthis.
Awesome, I love those types ofclients.
I want to be able to talk toyou.
If you have said something inyour relationship and it has
blown up in your face, then Iwant to invite you to apply to
(01:52):
come and be on the podcast.
We are currently looking formore people in the summer to
come on and get coached for thepodcast, and the way that this
works is you're going to come on, you and I are going to have
about 30 minutes of conversationtogether where we get to dive
deep into your personalsituation.
This isn't just theory orhappenstance, or hey, jen, I
(02:13):
have this question and I answerbased on my assumptions of your
issues.
What's actually going to happenhere is you're going to explain
.
So, jen, I said this thing tomy husband and now I created a
fight and we haven't talked inthree days.
Okay, great, let's go throughthat.
What did you say?
What happened?
Is this a pattern?
Has this happened before?
Where is this going?
(02:33):
What is your attachment pattern?
What's his attachment pattern?
And that's what we do with thelive coaching in the Speak
Honest podcast.
So if that sounds likesomething that you want, please
scroll on down to the show notesand you're going to see a link
that says apply for freecoaching with Jen, and that is
going to get you in applicationform, like a Google form, and
you're going to be able to fillthat out and I look through
(02:54):
every single one of them.
My team sends them to me.
I look through them all and Isee, okay, this right here is
something that we can definitelydo and if it works out, we will
have you on the podcast andthat is how we not only help you
, but we help a community ofwomen who are listening.
So if you've ever listened tothis podcast and you've heard
some of my coaching calls andthey've inspired you to try
(03:15):
different things in yourrelationships or to level up
your own healing, that is whatyou would be offering to other
women in the community.
So if that sounds likesomething you want to be doing,
please come and apply to be onthe podcast with me.
With all of that said, let'sjump into today's episode.
All right, if you have everwalked away from a conversation
(03:36):
thinking shit, that is not whatI meant to say.
Or worse, maybe they saidsomething to you and you
completely misinterpreted it andnow everything is blowing up in
your face and everything hasgone to shit.
That is what I want to talk toyou today and now.
I gave you a little bit in theintro, but let's go through it
again.
It stands for S said what yousaid, what you exactly said, and
(03:59):
then H heard what they heard.
You say no, these do not alwaysmatch up.
What you said and what theyheard oftentimes do not match up
because we are going atconversations with our own lived
experience, our own perceptions.
So we need to get clear onthose two things.
Three intention what were youtrying to say when you said it
(04:21):
over here?
So you said it, he heard it,but what was your intention?
That's important.
Intention does matter.
I feel like there's a lot ofrhetoric out there right now
that says, oh, it's not aboutthe intention, it's about how it
made you feel and like no,intention is incredibly
important because you don't meanto hurt someone's feelings.
Oftentimes it just comes outwrong.
And then, lastly, t try again.
(04:44):
So this is where we try to sayit again, maybe in the moment,
maybe later on down the road.
It's where we can understandwhat they heard and we can
understand that that wasn't ourintention, and so we're going to
try again.
So let's talk about how thisactually looks in practice.
Okay, so let's say you aredriving in a car with your
(05:06):
husband and he's just goingreally fast and you've had a lot
on your mind and you just saycan you please slow down?
Simple, you didn't meananything by it.
You just said can you pleaseslow down?
But then he starts scoffing andgetting angry.
And next thing, you know, youguys get home and he's not
talking to you and he slams hisdoor to his office and you're
(05:26):
like what the fuck just happenedhere?
All I asked him was to slowdown.
It wasn't that big of a deal.
And so now you guys arefighting and you go to bed angry
and everything just blows up inyour face.
So here's what happened.
You said can you please slowdown?
But what did he hear?
What do you think he heard?
He heard you're a bad driver, Idon't trust you.
(05:49):
You always screw everything up,oof right, that's not what you
said and it definitely wasn'tyour intention.
But it might've been what hisattachment wounding heard.
So let's go to the I.
So we're going to see intention.
What your intention was was youwere starting to feel anxious
and you've been in a caraccident before and that brought
(06:09):
up some memory for you and youfelt a little bit triggered and
you've had a really rough day.
So your system is already alittle bit on overdrive and you
needed him to slow down becauseit would really help you.
Your intention wasn't to say hewas a bad driver or he screws
everything up or that you don'ttrust him.
Of course you trust him.
That wasn't your intention.
So what are we gonna do next?
We're gonna try again, maybesomething like hey babes, I'm so
(06:34):
sorry, I didn't mean to comeoff so intense.
I trust you and I'm feeling alittle bit anxious because of
past stuff and I would just feelsafer if we slowed down a
little bit.
So this is how you can tryagain in the moment.
If you notice that uh-oh,something went off, maybe when
you guys get home and he's shutdown, you can say like hey,
babes, can we start over?
I think I might've saidsomething in the car and I
(06:54):
didn't mean it that way and I'mso sorry.
So this is where we can starttrying again.
And then in the future, let'ssay you're in the car and you
know that this is one of histrigger points and because you
love him and you're trying towork with him, you're going to
say hey, babes, I'm having thatfamiliar feeling again where I'm
really stressed out.
Do you fact?
(07:15):
This was something that happenedwith me and my husband a couple
times because I do have drivinganxiety.
Well, actually, I should say itthe other way I have passenger
anxiety.
I'm a terrible passengerbecause I prefer being in
control and driving.
So as a passenger, I'mconstantly like twinging and I'm
constantly tweaking and I'mconstantly just like freaking
(07:35):
out and just like, oh my God,it's just, you should see it.
It is like I'm in a constantstate of fight or flight.
And in the beginning he honestlylike took that to heart and he
just thought that I didn't trusthim and I appreciate where he
was coming from with that.
But it wasn't about him, it wasabout me.
So we had to kind of find thisdynamic and had to have a big
conversation about like listen,I can't stop this natural
(07:57):
reaction, but I promise I willwork on it.
But just so you know it's notabout you.
And now I even tell him thatsometimes we're in the car and
we're like, apparently I'm justhaving a very passenger trigger
moment, I'm going to close myeyes, I'm not even going to look
.
I have to do that sometimeswhen we're driving on freeways
and there's a big truck comingnext to me, I want to squeal and
I hate it so much.
But this is the shit method ofcommunicating.
(08:17):
Okay, we're going to say thething.
Then they heard the thingwhat's our actual intention?
And let's try again.
So let's try one more.
Let's say you and your partnermade kind of loose plans to hang
out after work.
You guys were going to go andget a drink together or
something like that, and so nowit's 730, but you haven't heard
from them.
And when they finally text,they say hey, just finishing up,
(08:38):
now should I come by.
But it's like 9 pm now, and soyou text back don't worry about
it, I figured you forgot, hmm.
But then an argument breaks outand he texts back and he gets a
little bit cold and passive,aggressive.
And then he says, okay, fine,well, I guess I'll just see you
next week then.
And you're like wait a second,I thought we were going to like
(08:58):
hang out this weekend.
And now you're mad at him andhe's mad at you and everything
is blowing up and it's going toshit.
So let's fix this conversationwith the shit method.
Said don't worry about it, Ifigured you forgot.
There might've been a littlepassive aggressiveness in there.
Maybe we could have like saidthat differently.
But let's see what he heard inthat moment.
He heard you're inconsiderate,I've been stewing about this all
(09:22):
day and now I'm punishing you.
So now in his mind he's like ohgreat, now she's punishing me,
oh, she can punish me.
Then I'm going to punish herback.
So see what's happening?
It's just our attachmenttoddlers going at each other
again, butting heads.
But what was your intention?
Your intention when you said Ifigured you forgot was I was
(09:44):
really looking forward to seeingyou and I felt a little bit
disappointed and unsure of wherewe stood when I didn't hear
from you.
See, that's actuallyvulnerability right there.
The thing you said was a littlebit passive, aggressive, it's
not wrong.
Maybe you did.
Figure he forgot and maybe heis a little bit right in what he
heard, which was there was anundertone of well, you're being
inconsiderate and I'm punishingyou, but your intention was pure
(10:07):
in the moment.
Okay, it's not your faultSometimes things happen but your
intention was you feltdisappointed and even a little
bit confused and unsure aboutwhere you stand in the
relationship, because maybe youare a little bit anxiously
attached and you need thatreassurance and that's okay.
But we need to work with that.
So let's try again.
Okay, so again, s-h-i-t-t.
(10:28):
Try again.
You say something like I'm sorry, babes, that was a little bit
snippy.
I was really looking forward totonight.
I just felt a little bit likeyou left me hanging and I'd
still love to see you.
If you're up for it, you couldtry that.
But maybe you're not down tosee him, maybe you are a little
bit upset, and so you could saysomething like hey, I know I got
(10:49):
a little bit snippy there, butI realized now how important it
is to me to be caught up on ifwe make plans.
So if we say you're going tocome over at 7.30, it's really
important to me that you messageme by at least 7.30 so I know
what's going on, because I spentabout 90 minutes worried about
where you are or what's going on.
See how now we're kind ofcommunicating what's actually
going on in our system.
(11:10):
And if we wanted to go backeven further, let's say we could
go back in time.
I give you a magic wand and youwant to go back in time.
And he says, you know, hey,just finishing up, should I come
by now?
Maybe you're like, yeah, heshould come by.
So he comes by, and then youhave this conversation.
You say, hey, I'm feeling alittle bit off right now.
I could really use somereassurance.
(11:30):
But I realized I didn't likewaiting those 90 minutes and I
know you didn't mean to, but Irealized how important it is for
me to be communicated to whenour plans are up in the air.
There you go, see, that'scommunicating, that's how we
work through the shit.
And you can imagine in thisscenario there's a high chance
where he says something like ohwhat, I have to be on my phone
(11:51):
all the time texting you.
That's a little bit right again, passive, aggressive.
Maybe he get a little bitfeisty and fussy about that.
And so you hear, this is alwaysgoing to happen.
You hear, oh, she's justexpecting so much out of me
again.
You're feeling all of thisstuff.
But his intention in that momentwas just to protect himself.
His intention in that momentwas to try to earn back some
(12:14):
autonomy, because he was feelinga little bit trapped.
And so what he could have saidin that moment instead right, if
he tried again what he couldhave said was I understand, it's
really important to you and Iwant to work with you on this.
And also, I can't always be onmy phone at these times.
So how best can we work on thistogether?
(12:36):
If we can get to that try againstage in the shit communication
method, then that is where thereal healing happens.
It is okay that we mess up, youguys, it really is.
Sometimes things come out of mymouth and I didn't mean it.
I go wait, I'm so sorry, can Itry that again?
And this is what life is allabout.
But we want to get to thatvulnerable space.
We want to get to that placewhere we're coming at it from
honesty, from integrity andhonoring who we are and living
(12:56):
in alignment with our values.
Because, remember,communication is all about
collaborating with someone thatyou love and working towards a
relationship together.
All right, everyone, I hope youenjoyed today's episode.
I hope you got a lot out of theshit communication method that
we teach here at Speak Honest.
(13:18):
Remember again it is what yousaid, it is what he heard, it
was your intention, and then wetry again.
So if you have any questionsabout the shit method, go ahead
and jump into the Facebook groupand ask us there.
We always put up a post everyweek for the podcast, and so we
keep conversation flowing inthat moment.
Even if you heard this two,three, four weeks, months, years
(13:38):
later, you can come in, use thesearch engine, look up which
episode number it is and thenyou can jump in and join the
conversation.
But if you are out there rightnow and you're listening to this
episode and you're thinking,jen, I understand what you're
saying about shit communication,but I'm not able to get to that
try again stage, I just I can'treally understand why he heard
(13:59):
it that way and I'm strugglingto validate him.
Well then, in that case, Iwould love to have you come on
the podcast.
I would love to be able tobreak this down with you more.
Maybe we could get into a morebodily, somatic experience to
see what's holding you back frombeing able to communicate in a
secure way, and we'll worktogether on that here on the
podcast, which helps not onlyyou but the other women in the
(14:20):
community to hear that they'renot alone, that there's other
people out there like this thatare struggling, and that we can
do this together, because themost important thing I want you
to remember is that you do nothave to do this alone.
You weren't meant to do thisalone.
You were meant to be incommunity.
You were meant to be inconnection, and one of those
ways you can do that is byjoining the Speak Honest
(14:42):
community.
So I would love to have you onthe podcast.
Scroll on down to the show notes, click on the link to apply for
a free podcast coaching.
Call with me and I cannot waitto speak with you.
All right, everyone, I willspeak with you all next week.
Take care, as we wrap uptoday's conversation, always
remember that healing is ajourney, not a destination, and
(15:05):
it is an honor to be a part ofyour healing journey.
If you want to dig deeper intothe topics we covered today, be
sure to head over to our shownotes, where you can find all of
the valuable informationmentioned in today's episode
right there, and please rememberto rate, review and subscribe
if you enjoyed today's podcast.
Your feedback means the worldto us and helps others discover
(15:27):
our podcast.
Until next time, remember tospeak up and speak honest.
Hello and welcome to Speak Honest.
I am your host and certifiedrelationship coach, jennifer
Noble.
It has been my passion for overa decade to help women like you
heal what's been holding youback from having the
relationships you deserve.
Are you struggling with arelationship where you can't
seem to voice your emotions,needs and boundaries without
(00:26):
having it blow up in your face?
Then you have found the rightpodcast, my friend.
Get ready for practical tips,empowering truths and honest
conversations.
Now let's dive in.
Hello everyone and welcome backto another episode of Speak
Honest.
I am Jen Noble, your go-torelationship coach, and on
(00:49):
today's episode I want to talkto you about what it's like to
try to communicate with someoneand you think you said maybe
something neutral or something,when you're trying to make it
better and then it blows up inyour face.
And this is when we need toclean up our shits.
And what I mean by that is wehave a shit method of
communication here at SpeakHonest where we utilize this
ability to be able to hear whatsomeone else is saying and be
(01:10):
able to understand theirintention.
So shit communication standsfor said, heard, intention and
try again.
So you hear that.
So, before we get started, Iwanted to reach out to you and
say, if you are looking to getmore coaching on this shit level
of communication, then I wantto invite you to be on the
(01:30):
podcast right now.
So if, as you're listening totoday's episode, you're thinking
, jen, that sounds really great,but my situation is different.
My situation is more nuanced.
You can't possibly understandthis.
Awesome, I love those types ofclients.
I want to be able to talk toyou.
If you have said something inyour relationship and it has
blown up in your face, then Iwant to invite you to apply to
(01:52):
come and be on the podcast.
We are currently looking formore people in the summer to
come on and get coached for thepodcast, and the way that this
works is you're going to come on, you and I are going to have
about 30 minutes of conversationtogether where we get to dive
deep into your personalsituation.
This isn't just theory orhappenstance, or hey, jen, I
(02:13):
have this question and I answerbased on my assumptions of your
issues.
What's actually going to happenhere is you're going to explain
.
So, jen, I said this thing tomy husband and now I created a
fight and we haven't talked inthree days.
Okay, great, let's go throughthat.
What did you say?
What happened?
Is this a pattern?
Has this happened before?
Where is this going?
(02:33):
What is your attachment pattern?
What's his attachment pattern?
And that's what we do with thelive coaching in the Speak
Honest podcast.
So if that sounds likesomething that you want, please
scroll on down to the show notesand you're going to see a link
that says apply for freecoaching with Jen, and that is
going to get you in applicationform, like a Google form, and
you're going to be able to fillthat out and I look through
(02:54):
every single one of them.
My team sends them to me.
I look through them all and Isee, okay, this right here is
something that we can definitelydo and if it works out, we will
have you on the podcast andthat is how we not only help you
, but we help a community ofwomen who are listening.
So if you've ever listened tothis podcast and you've heard
some of my coaching calls andthey've inspired you to try
(03:15):
different things in yourrelationships or to level up
your own healing, that is whatyou would be offering to other
women in the community.
So if that sounds likesomething you want to be doing,
please come and apply to be onthe podcast with me.
With all of that said, let'sjump into today's episode.
All right, if you have everwalked away from a conversation
(03:36):
thinking shit, that is not whatI meant to say.
Or worse, maybe they saidsomething to you and you
completely misinterpreted it andnow everything is blowing up in
your face and everything hasgone to shit.
That is what I want to talk toyou today and now.
I gave you a little bit in theintro, but let's go through it
again.
It stands for S said what yousaid, what you exactly said, and
(03:59):
then H heard what they heard.
You say no, these do not alwaysmatch up.
What you said and what theyheard oftentimes do not match up
because we are going atconversations with our own lived
experience, our own perceptions.
So we need to get clear onthose two things.
Three intention what were youtrying to say when you said it
(04:21):
over here?
So you said it, he heard it,but what was your intention?
That's important.
Intention does matter.
I feel like there's a lot ofrhetoric out there right now
that says, oh, it's not aboutthe intention, it's about how it
made you feel and like no,intention is incredibly
important because you don't meanto hurt someone's feelings.
Oftentimes it just comes outwrong.
And then, lastly, t try again.
(04:44):
So this is where we try to sayit again, maybe in the moment,
maybe later on down the road.
It's where we can understandwhat they heard and we can
understand that that wasn't ourintention, and so we're going to
try again.
So let's talk about how thisactually looks in practice.
Okay, so let's say you aredriving in a car with your
(05:06):
husband and he's just goingreally fast and you've had a lot
on your mind and you just saycan you please slow down?
Simple, you didn't meananything by it.
You just said can you pleaseslow down?
But then he starts scoffing andgetting angry.
And next thing, you know, youguys get home and he's not
talking to you and he slams hisdoor to his office and you're
(05:26):
like what the fuck just happenedhere?
All I asked him was to slowdown.
It wasn't that big of a deal.
And so now you guys arefighting and you go to bed angry
and everything just blows up inyour face.
So here's what happened.
You said can you please slowdown?
But what did he hear?
What do you think he heard?
He heard you're a bad driver, Idon't trust you.
(05:49):
You always screw everything up,oof right, that's not what you
said and it definitely wasn'tyour intention.
But it might've been what hisattachment wounding heard.
So let's go to the I.
So we're going to see intention.
What your intention was was youwere starting to feel anxious
and you've been in a caraccident before and that brought
(06:09):
up some memory for you and youfelt a little bit triggered and
you've had a really rough day.
So your system is already alittle bit on overdrive and you
needed him to slow down becauseit would really help you.
Your intention wasn't to say hewas a bad driver or he screws
everything up or that you don'ttrust him.
Of course you trust him.
That wasn't your intention.
So what are we gonna do next?
We're gonna try again, maybesomething like hey babes, I'm so
(06:34):
sorry, I didn't mean to comeoff so intense.
I trust you and I'm feeling alittle bit anxious because of
past stuff and I would just feelsafer if we slowed down a
little bit.
So this is how you can tryagain in the moment.
If you notice that uh-oh,something went off, maybe when
you guys get home and he's shutdown, you can say like hey,
babes, can we start over?
I think I might've saidsomething in the car and I
(06:54):
didn't mean it that way and I'mso sorry.
So this is where we can starttrying again.
And then in the future, let'ssay you're in the car and you
know that this is one of histrigger points and because you
love him and you're trying towork with him, you're going to
say hey, babes, I'm having thatfamiliar feeling again where I'm
really stressed out.
Do you fact?
(07:15):
This was something that happenedwith me and my husband a couple
times because I do have drivinganxiety.
Well, actually, I should say itthe other way I have passenger
anxiety.
I'm a terrible passengerbecause I prefer being in
control and driving.
So as a passenger, I'mconstantly like twinging and I'm
constantly tweaking and I'mconstantly just like freaking
(07:35):
out and just like, oh my God,it's just, you should see it.
It is like I'm in a constantstate of fight or flight.
And in the beginning he honestlylike took that to heart and he
just thought that I didn't trusthim and I appreciate where he
was coming from with that.
But it wasn't about him, it wasabout me.
So we had to kind of find thisdynamic and had to have a big
conversation about like listen,I can't stop this natural
(07:57):
reaction, but I promise I willwork on it.
But just so you know it's notabout you.
And now I even tell him thatsometimes we're in the car and
we're like, apparently I'm justhaving a very passenger trigger
moment, I'm going to close myeyes, I'm not even going to look
.
I have to do that sometimeswhen we're driving on freeways
and there's a big truck comingnext to me, I want to squeal and
I hate it so much.
But this is the shit method ofcommunicating.
(08:17):
Okay, we're going to say thething.
Then they heard the thingwhat's our actual intention?
And let's try again.
So let's try one more.
Let's say you and your partnermade kind of loose plans to hang
out after work.
You guys were going to go andget a drink together or
something like that, and so nowit's 730, but you haven't heard
from them.
And when they finally text,they say hey, just finishing up,
(08:38):
now should I come by.
But it's like 9 pm now, and soyou text back don't worry about
it, I figured you forgot, hmm.
But then an argument breaks outand he texts back and he gets a
little bit cold and passive,aggressive.
And then he says, okay, fine,well, I guess I'll just see you
next week then.
And you're like wait a second,I thought we were going to like
(08:58):
hang out this weekend.
And now you're mad at him andhe's mad at you and everything
is blowing up and it's going toshit.
So let's fix this conversationwith the shit method.
Said don't worry about it, Ifigured you forgot.
There might've been a littlepassive aggressiveness in there.
Maybe we could have like saidthat differently.
But let's see what he heard inthat moment.
He heard you're inconsiderate,I've been stewing about this all
(09:22):
day and now I'm punishing you.
So now in his mind he's like ohgreat, now she's punishing me,
oh, she can punish me.
Then I'm going to punish herback.
So see what's happening?
It's just our attachmenttoddlers going at each other
again, butting heads.
But what was your intention?
Your intention when you said Ifigured you forgot was I was
(09:44):
really looking forward to seeingyou and I felt a little bit
disappointed and unsure of wherewe stood when I didn't hear
from you.
See, that's actuallyvulnerability right there.
The thing you said was a littlebit passive, aggressive, it's
not wrong.
Maybe you did.
Figure he forgot and maybe heis a little bit right in what he
heard, which was there was anundertone of well, you're being
inconsiderate and I'm punishingyou, but your intention was pure
(10:07):
in the moment.
Okay, it's not your faultSometimes things happen but your
intention was you feltdisappointed and even a little
bit confused and unsure aboutwhere you stand in the
relationship, because maybe youare a little bit anxiously
attached and you need thatreassurance and that's okay.
But we need to work with that.
So let's try again.
Okay, so again, s-h-i-t-t.
(10:28):
Try again.
You say something like I'm sorry, babes, that was a little bit
snippy.
I was really looking forward totonight.
I just felt a little bit likeyou left me hanging and I'd
still love to see you.
If you're up for it, you couldtry that.
But maybe you're not down tosee him, maybe you are a little
bit upset, and so you could saysomething like hey, I know I got
(10:49):
a little bit snippy there, butI realized now how important it
is to me to be caught up on ifwe make plans.
So if we say you're going tocome over at 7.30, it's really
important to me that you messageme by at least 7.30 so I know
what's going on, because I spentabout 90 minutes worried about
where you are or what's going on.
See how now we're kind ofcommunicating what's actually
going on in our system.
(11:10):
And if we wanted to go backeven further, let's say we could
go back in time.
I give you a magic wand and youwant to go back in time.
And he says, you know, hey,just finishing up, should I come
by now?
Maybe you're like, yeah, heshould come by.
So he comes by, and then youhave this conversation.
You say, hey, I'm feeling alittle bit off right now.
I could really use somereassurance.
(11:30):
But I realized I didn't likewaiting those 90 minutes and I
know you didn't mean to, but Irealized how important it is for
me to be communicated to whenour plans are up in the air.
There you go, see, that'scommunicating, that's how we
work through the shit.
And you can imagine in thisscenario there's a high chance
where he says something like ohwhat, I have to be on my phone
(11:51):
all the time texting you.
That's a little bit right again, passive, aggressive.
Maybe he get a little bitfeisty and fussy about that.
And so you hear, this is alwaysgoing to happen.
You hear, oh, she's justexpecting so much out of me
again.
You're feeling all of thisstuff.
But his intention in that momentwas just to protect himself.
His intention in that momentwas to try to earn back some
(12:14):
autonomy, because he was feelinga little bit trapped.
And so what he could have saidin that moment instead right, if
he tried again what he couldhave said was I understand, it's
really important to you and Iwant to work with you on this.
And also, I can't always be onmy phone at these times.
So how best can we work on thistogether?
(12:36):
If we can get to that try againstage in the shit communication
method, then that is where thereal healing happens.
It is okay that we mess up, youguys, it really is.
Sometimes things come out of mymouth and I didn't mean it.
I go wait, I'm so sorry, can Itry that again?
And this is what life is allabout.
But we want to get to thatvulnerable space.
We want to get to that placewhere we're coming at it from
honesty, from integrity andhonoring who we are and living
(12:56):
in alignment with our values.
Because, remember,communication is all about
collaborating with someone thatyou love and working towards a
relationship together.
All right, everyone, I hope youenjoyed today's episode.
I hope you got a lot out of theshit communication method that
we teach here at Speak Honest.
(13:18):
Remember again it is what yousaid, it is what he heard, it
was your intention, and then wetry again.
So if you have any questionsabout the shit method, go ahead
and jump into the Facebook groupand ask us there.
We always put up a post everyweek for the podcast, and so we
keep conversation flowing inthat moment.
Even if you heard this two,three, four weeks, months, years
(13:38):
later, you can come in, use thesearch engine, look up which
episode number it is and thenyou can jump in and join the
conversation.
But if you are out there rightnow and you're listening to this
episode and you're thinking,jen, I understand what you're
saying about shit communication,but I'm not able to get to that
try again stage, I just I can'treally understand why he heard
(13:59):
it that way and I'm strugglingto validate him.
Well then, in that case, Iwould love to have you come on
the podcast.
I would love to be able tobreak this down with you more.
Maybe we could get into a morebodily, somatic experience to
see what's holding you back frombeing able to communicate in a
secure way, and we'll worktogether on that here on the
podcast, which helps not onlyyou but the other women in the
(14:20):
community to hear that they'renot alone, that there's other
people out there like this thatare struggling, and that we can
do this together, because themost important thing I want you
to remember is that you do nothave to do this alone.
You weren't meant to do thisalone.
You were meant to be incommunity.
You were meant to be inconnection, and one of those
ways you can do that is byjoining the Speak Honest
(14:42):
community.
So I would love to have you onthe podcast.
Scroll on down to the show notes, click on the link to apply for
a free podcast coaching.
Call with me and I cannot waitto speak with you.
All right, everyone, I willspeak with you all next week.
Take care, as we wrap uptoday's conversation, always
remember that healing is ajourney, not a destination, and
(15:05):
it is an honor to be a part ofyour healing journey.
If you want to dig deeper intothe topics we covered today, be
sure to head over to our shownotes, where you can find all of
the valuable informationmentioned in today's episode
right there, and please rememberto rate, review and subscribe
if you enjoyed today's podcast.
Your feedback means the worldto us and helps others discover
(15:27):
our podcast.
Until next time, remember tospeak up and speak honest.
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