May 28, 2025 • 20 mins
Ever feel like you’re always the one being blamed? Whether it’s your partner, a friend, or even your family, you keep ending up in situations where you’re walking on eggshells, questioning your every move, and wondering, “Am I the problem?”
In this raw and emotional coaching call with my client Lisa, we dig into the sneaky patterns that keep women stuck in blame cycles. You’ll hear how childhood wounds shape the way we show up in adult relationships, why breaking free feels so hard (but so worth it), and what it takes to start believing deep down that you’re not the problem—you’re the woman who’s ready to change the story.
You might want to listen if:
- You’ve ever been blamed for something you didn’t do
- You constantly feel like you’re “too much” or “not enough” in relationships
- You struggle to believe you’re worthy of safe, loving spaces
- You’re tired of feeling like you have to make yourself smaller just to keep the peace
- You want to learn how to break free from patterns of self-blame and guilt
FIND OUT MORE!
- Apply for FREE Coaching with Jenn
- Join the DANCE CIRCLE - Get updates on Jenn's debut book "Dance of Attachment"
- Join our FREE Community! Speak Honest Facebook Group 🧡
- Become a Relationship Reboot Member and access all you need to become secure.
- Schedule your Free 30 min Attachment Assessment with Jenn Today!
- Watch Jenn on the 🔴 TEDx Stage!
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- Visit www.speak-honest.com to learn more
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- Like the episode? Please write a review, your words help others find us!
DISCLAIMER: Speak Honest podcast content is informational, not professional or medical advice. Jenn is an ICF relationship coach, not a licensed therapist. Consult health ...
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Hello and welcome to Speak Honest.
I am your host and certifiedrelationship coach, jennifer
Noble.
It has been my passion for overa decade to help women like you
heal what's been holding youback from having the
relationships you deserve.
Are you struggling with arelationship where you can't
seem to voice your emotions,needs and boundaries without
(00:26):
having it blow up in your face?
Then you have found the rightpodcast, my friend.
Get ready for practical tips,empowering truths and honest
conversations.
Now let's dive in.
Hello, ladies, and welcome backto another episode of Speak
Honest.
I am Jen Noble, your go-torelationship coach, and today I
get to share a powerful coachingcall with a client of mine
(00:48):
named Lisa.
Now, lisa's been a part of ourcommunity for quite a while now
and she reached out because sheneeded a little extra support
around something she's beenstruggling with.
What came up in this session issomething I think a lot of you
will be able to relate to.
Now, this is a heavy topic andit brings up a lot of emotions,
and I just want to say that'sokay.
In fact, I think it's beautiful.
(01:09):
Feeling things deeply meanswe're actually processing, and
that's where the healing starts.
Now, quick heads up Lisa and Irecorded this in her car because
it was the safest place for herto be.
But that means that the audioisn't exactly the best, but this
conversation is so rich and soreal that I knew I still wanted
to share it here on the podcast,because I truly believe that
(01:31):
her story will resonate with somany of you, and if you've been
thinking I could really use asession like this, jen, then
let's do it.
I'd love to coach you and I'dlove for you to be featured on
the podcast.
So just scroll on down to theshow notes or head to
speak-oddicecom slash podcast toapply to be on the show.
If it feels like your storycould help inspire other women,
(01:54):
then this is the time to do itand you and I will have a 30
minute free coaching call and inthe end, if we feel like this
is something that's going tohelp uplift other women, then
we're gonna feature your podcasthere on the end.
If we feel like this issomething that's going to help
uplift other women, then we'regoing to feature your podcast
here on the episode, which isjust a beautiful community-based
effort for all of us to lifteach other up in healing.
But now, as you listen to mycoaching call with Lisa.
(02:16):
I want you to be thinking aboutthis.
Where in your life are youchronically blaming yourself?
Where in your life are youchronically blaming yourself?
Where do you keep repeating thesame pattern over and over
again, even though deep down,you know that this isn't for you
and what might be holding youback from breaking free from
(02:36):
that pattern?
I want you to keep all of thatin mind with my coaching call
with Lisa.
Hey, lisa, thank you so muchfor coming on to the podcast.
What can I do for you today?
How can I help?
Speaker 2 (02:50):
Hey, jen, you know a little bit about my background.
I'm in a situation right nowwhere I'm living with a friend
and there's been some stuffthat's happened and I don't feel
safe staying there anymore.
I have options.
Some of them aren't good.
Some of them mean going back tomy husband.
Speaker 1 (03:09):
Yeah, we don't want to do that, do we?
Speaker 2 (03:12):
No, because he won't even.
You know.
I asked him.
I said he wants to work thingsout.
Okay, fine, we're working itout.
Can we turn the tiny shed intoa tiny home?
He goes no, there's no sense inthere.
If you can't stay at home, thenyou don't need to be here
anyway.
Speaker 1 (03:27):
So let's look at this .
So I know that you recentlymoved out with your husband.
Speaker 2 (03:32):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (03:33):
And that was a huge deal, that was a life-changing,
so proud of you moment.
Oh my gosh, it can't even likeyes, like girl power.
So proud of you and you movedin with a friend.
Speaker 2 (03:43):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (03:44):
And then your friend, stuff is going on and it
doesn't seem to be going the waywe had hoped.
Speaker 2 (03:51):
No, I mean the finger's getting pointed at me
and I just I don't.
I don't understand why.
You know, yeah, it came upmissing, but you automatically
assume that I did it.
Speaker 1 (04:03):
Right, and so you're getting blamed for something
that you didn't do Right, and Iwanted to ask if you can see the
correlation between when youwere living with your husband or
ex-husband, now separated.
Oftentimes, he would blame youfor a lot of things too,
wouldn't he?
Yes, yeah, and it seems likethis is happening again, isn't
it?
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (04:22):
Seems like that's the story of my life.
Yeah, I guess I attract thewrong people.
Speaker 1 (04:28):
Yeah, and that's not your fault, it's just what
happens.
I mean, if we dug deeper, lisa,I'd have a sneaking suspicion
that you probably got blamed fora lot of stuff as a kid.
Speaker 2 (04:36):
Oh yeah.
Speaker 1 (04:37):
Yeah, why not?
And that's not your fault.
It's not your fault at all.
This is what happens.
This is part of our upbringing,this is part of those
attachment patterns that we talkabout sometimes, and so if, as
a kid, you were chronicallyblamed for doing something that
wasn't your fault, you're goingto seek that out as you get
older, and you're going to seekit out even in these tiny little
ways, like your friendships oryour friend's husbands or your
(04:59):
coworkers.
It's wild how it happens, isn'tit?
Speaker 2 (05:05):
Yeah, yeah, I've never really put that together
like that.
Speaker 1 (05:06):
Yeah, what I'm so proud is that, as you're coming
and you're talking to me, you'renot asking me hey, jen, I'm
getting blamed for something,how can I stand up for myself,
or not even like that.
But what I mean is, how can Iexplain myself to this person?
How can I make myself smallerso they keep me?
What I love seeing right now isthat you're asking how do I get
(05:28):
out again?
Speaker 2 (05:29):
Right yeah.
Speaker 1 (05:31):
You're still breaking patterns.
Do you see how great you'redoing?
Speaker 2 (05:33):
Yes, it doesn't feel great all the time, but yeah, I
guess.
Speaker 1 (05:37):
That's fair.
It does not feel great, does it?
Speaker 2 (05:39):
No, it's not going to feel great in the moment and
I'll probably be happy about itlater down the road.
You know I'll be like oh, I seeit now.
Speaker 1 (05:47):
Yeah, yeah.
So until you see it, I justwanted to showcase it for you
Because sometimes, when we're inthe middle of these big, big
things happening, we don'tactually see how far along we've
come, and so I just want tomake sure that I put a mirror up
to that for you.
You see it, make sure that Iput a mirror up to that for you.
You see it, you're stopping itand you're going to probably
have to stop it more.
It's going to keep happeningbecause you're unbreaking
(06:10):
decades of patterns.
It's honestly, it's a lot oftimes, lisa, why people don't do
it.
Can you see why they just likegive in?
Speaker 2 (06:17):
Because it's hard.
Speaker 1 (06:18):
It's so hard.
You're doing one of the hardestthings in the world.
It's not going to be easy.
Speaker 2 (06:24):
It hasn't been Not a single day Like the other day.
I couldn't stop crying.
I'm like, why, like, how bad ofa person had I been in a past
life, or something that?
Speaker 1 (06:36):
Do you hear the subtle blame in that question?
Yeah, what kind of a bad persondid I have to be to deserve
this?
Oh, no, no, no, hon, that's notyou.
It's not your fault.
None of this is your fault.
Do you even hear that that'syou blaming you for something
that wasn't your fault?
Yeah, we're not going to dothat anymore.
Speaker 2 (06:53):
right, I'm going to try not to Can't make any
promises.
Speaker 1 (06:55):
Well, you're going to keep doing it.
Listen, I do it to myself allthe time, but when you're around
me, I'm going to knock it outus, okay, okay.
Speaker 2 (07:01):
That works for me.
Speaker 1 (07:03):
Let's try something together.
Speaker 2 (07:04):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (07:05):
Tell me something.
Let's see If you believe thatyou had done something terrible
in your life for this in orderto happen to you.
I want to ask you a questionwhat was the first time you felt
that feeling of being blamedfor something?
Speaker 2 (07:17):
I was probably 13, maybe younger, but I don't
remember that far back.
Speaker 1 (07:22):
So can you picture a 13-year-old girl in your mind
right now, Like do you know a13-year-old or been around one
recently?
Speaker 2 (07:29):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:29):
Yeah, kind of like that young teenage, not quite a
16-year-old, still kind of young.
Speaker 2 (07:34):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:34):
Yeah, Now if something bad happens to this
teenage girl, is it her fault?
Speaker 2 (07:41):
No.
If somebody hurt her orsomebody when that 13-year-old
is hurt and she tells who she'ssupposed to tell and nothing
happens.
You get told it.
You know You're the person thatcaused it.
If I went and walked around inthis or you went and walked
around in that, you wouldn'thave got that attention.
Speaker 1 (08:00):
Right, do you hear how they blame us as women?
Speaker 2 (08:02):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (08:03):
Do you hear that?
Maybe if they weren't assholesand looking at us that way, this
wouldn't happen either.
We should be allowed to wearwhatever the fuck we want to
wear.
Speaker 2 (08:12):
Right.
It doesn't always happen thatway, though, does it?
Speaker 1 (08:16):
No, it doesn't.
And then you know what they dowhen they make a shitty decision
.
Who do they blame?
Speaker 2 (08:21):
Us Exactly.
Speaker 1 (08:22):
Exactly so.
If a girl is walking around andwhatever she wants to be
wearing this 13-year-old girl iswalking around, she feels good,
she's loving her life andsomething happens to her, are we
going to sit there and blameher?
Are we going to hold the personaccountable who hurt her?
Speaker 2 (08:37):
You would hope that we would hold the person
accountable.
I would.
Speaker 1 (08:42):
Let's say it's me and you.
Let's just say it's just me andyou.
And we see a 13-year-old girlgetting hurt and she tells us
about it.
What are we going to do?
Speaker 2 (08:50):
Well, the proper thing to do would be to call the
cops.
What I would do is a totallydifferent story.
Speaker 1 (08:58):
Maybe you and I go get some shovels.
Speaker 2 (09:00):
Yeah, there we go.
That's what I'm talking about.
Speaker 1 (09:02):
Yeah, maybe you and I do something a little bit.
Speaker 2 (09:05):
Yeah, it'd be a little bit different, I mean
listen.
Speaker 1 (09:07):
If they can blame us, we can.
Speaker 2 (09:09):
Yeah, we can Well you know, if it's my fault, I'm
going to go ahead and take careof it.
Speaker 1 (09:13):
Right, exactly.
Well, you know, if he wasn'tsuch an asshole then maybe I
wouldn't have hit him upside thehead with a shovel.
Oops, right, because it's notokay.
No, it's not, and I know it'snot.
No, it's not.
Yeah, what's coming up for youright now?
(09:34):
A little bit of relief.
Speaker 2 (09:37):
I just wanted to stop .
You know what I mean.
I'm every bot.
Speaker 1 (09:42):
Those are going to happen for a little while longer
, okay.
Speaker 2 (09:45):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:48):
It's just part of our body having a process.
It's not going to be easy andit's not going to be fun, but
every time they come up, I justwant you to know that it's just
part of the process and thatyou're safe and that you did
nothing wrong.
Can you do that for yourself?
When they come up, can you justmaybe put a hand on your heart
and you just say, oh, there itis again, okay, and then you
just kind of breathe through itand you let it go, let it come
up and out.
Speaker 2 (10:09):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (10:09):
It's not your fault and you did nothing wrong.
Just keep repeating that toyourself.
Okay, do you want to try itright now with me?
Do you want to try putting ahand on your?
Speaker 2 (10:18):
heart and trying it Okay.
Speaker 1 (10:19):
Would you feel comfortable saying it out loud
to give it a try?
Speaker 2 (10:22):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (10:24):
It's not my fault.
It's not my fault.
I did nothing wrong.
I did nothing wrong.
It's not my fault.
It's not my fault.
Speaker 2 (10:36):
I did nothing wrong.
Speaker 1 (10:38):
That big feeling you're having with that is just
your little girl, so grateful.
Someone is finally seeing her.
It is not your fault, it's notmy fault and you did nothing
wrong.
I did nothing wrong.
How are you feeling right now?
Speaker 2 (10:55):
About the same A little bit lighter.
Speaker 1 (10:59):
Okay, good, a little bit lighter.
So with that lightness, I wantto shift gear slightly to
talking about where to live,because if we have the energy
going into this that this is notyour fault and you did nothing
wrong slightly.
To talking about where to live,because if we have the energy
going into this that this is notyour fault and you did nothing
wrong, then you can see that youjust deserve a better place to
live.
And hopefully, with that energythrough each time, maybe we
have to go through this lesson acouple more times.
I have no idea.
(11:19):
Sometimes it's annoying, ittakes a while, but let's try the
next place.
Maybe it gets a little bitbetter.
And where else, what are youroptions?
Do you want to talk throughthis?
Speaker 2 (11:29):
I.
Maybe it gets a little bitbetter.
Okay, and where else, what areyour options?
Do you want to talk throughthis?
I can stay where I'm at becauseRochelle says she doesn't
believe that I took anything.
Oh good, she has that doubtbecause she texted someone and
that someone showed me the textand so said that she was on the
verge of having me leave itbecause of what's going on.
And I was like, and then shecame to me and said something
completely different, that shewasn't.
(11:50):
You know, she believed that Ididn't take it and she trusts me
.
But she's two-sided on thatflip point, you know.
And then I can go to my husband, but he wants me not to live in
a plane shed.
He wants to work things out theway he wants to work them out.
So it remains the same.
And then I have a client whichI know this is not good
(12:13):
etiquette for my business, butshe's an older lady and I help
her out a lot.
I help her out and don't chargeher.
She told me the other day thatif I needed a place to stay,
that I could stay with her for awhile.
Speaker 1 (12:25):
Well, that's lovely.
Speaker 2 (12:26):
I thought it was very nice.
It is very nice.
Well, that's lovely.
Speaker 1 (12:28):
I thought it was very nice.
That is very nice, Actually.
Talk me through that.
Let's be radical here.
Tell me why that might not begood business.
Speaker 2 (12:33):
Well, it's not good business.
Because what?
Because it's a normal thing forme.
Something always happens.
It never changes.
Something bad always happens.
Somebody winds up hating me ordisliking me, or you know, I do
something to piss someone off.
It's just the way my life hasbeen.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (12:51):
What if we're changing that now?
Just what if Just throw it outthere?
What if, yeah, you're differentnow, because you know now it's
not your fault and you didnothing wrong and you know,
moving forward, you're going tosurround yourself, maybe these
people who blamed you and gotmad at you and all this stuff.
Those are just part of yourpatterns, right, but what if we
broke that pattern?
And what if you went to thespace and it was safe and loving
(13:14):
and kind?
Speaker 2 (13:15):
And it would be.
I know it would be what wouldhappen.
I'd probably heal more, yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:20):
And like, yeah, we have these ideas of what ethics
are for business and all of thisstuff.
Speaker 2 (13:26):
But like who decided those Right?
Speaker 1 (13:27):
What if our world was a more community?
What if we could offer this upmore?
Speaker 2 (13:31):
I think it would be a lot better place to live.
There'd be a lot less peoplelike me.
Speaker 1 (13:37):
Feel that energy, as you just said that.
Speaker 2 (13:40):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:41):
We want to create that environment of a better
place to live.
So the Lisas and the littleLisas and the 13-year-olds, they
have safe spaces to go, notplaces of blame right.
Speaker 2 (13:55):
Right, yeah.
So let's say, you try it outwith this woman and it doesn't
work out, then what?
Then I don't know what.
Speaker 1 (13:57):
Then we try one more thing and we keep going, because
you have kept going your wholelife, so I know you can do this.
Speaker 2 (14:05):
Yeah.
So I told her that she had totalk because she's been
estranged from her family for alittle bit and they've just
gotten reunited.
They're talking and spendingtime together and I asked her.
I said I would love to take youup on this opportunity, but I
need to make sure that yourfamily is going to be okay with
this, Because they just, like Isaid, just got reunited and I
(14:25):
don't want to be the one to comebetween that.
I don't want to be the reasonthey get pissed off at her.
Speaker 1 (14:31):
Well, can I challenge that?
Lisa Uh-huh, Can you hear theblame in that?
Speaker 2 (14:35):
I do.
Speaker 1 (14:36):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (14:36):
Yeah, I do.
Speaker 1 (14:37):
If they get pissed off at her because you're there,
is that your fault?
No, are you in the wrong?
Speaker 2 (14:43):
No no.
Speaker 1 (14:44):
No, let's let them make their life choices.
But it's not your fault and youdid nothing wrong.
Speaker 2 (14:50):
It's not my fault that I did nothing wrong.
Speaker 1 (14:53):
This is going to be your mantra for the next couple
months, because all of thechoices you're making right now
are stemming from that beliefthat it's your fault, that you
did something wrong, that you'reto blame.
Do you hear all of that?
Speaker 2 (15:07):
I do.
I've never heard it before.
Speaker 1 (15:10):
And that belief is going to hold you back from
being in safe spaces, because itmight prevent you from staying
in a safe space for fear thatthis one place that actually
makes you feel safe.
You don't want to fuck that onething up, right?
Speaker 2 (15:20):
Yeah, that's about where I am with this, yeah.
Speaker 1 (15:23):
Let's throw caution to the wind.
Let's test it.
Speaker 2 (15:26):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (15:27):
Because you deserve safety.
I kind of believe that, yeah,yeah, and you're not going to
believe it after this oneconversation with me.
Right, we'll keep doing theWednesday support sessions
together.
You keep coming in, you see it.
You can see it in the otherladies.
If you looked at any of thoseother ladies on those Wednesday
support sessions, you would knowthat they deserve happiness and
safety and support too, don'tthey?
Speaker 2 (15:46):
Yes, they do.
Speaker 1 (15:47):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (15:48):
They're very supportive group.
Speaker 1 (15:55):
I love them, yeah, and they love you, and it's such
a beautiful community and youwould never look at those women
like, well, it's your fault, oryou suck, or you're to blame and
it's not yours.
So I love this idea.
Maybe this is something.
What would be your next step?
So, as we're wrapping up heretoday, what would be your next
step in moving out of this onefriend's house and maybe into a
safer space?
Speaker 2 (16:13):
Waiting until after she talks to her family on the
weekend, when they're.
I really do want her to talk toher.
It's like she said she can makeher own decision.
I understand that I said, but Iguess, from my mindset, I guess
I need to know that they'reokay.
Speaker 1 (16:28):
And that's good and then moving forward, I want you
to trust that If she saysthey're okay, trust it.
Speaker 2 (16:34):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (16:36):
Even if something happens.
Listen, lisa, I'm annoying ascrap sometimes, right, I'm loud,
I'm boisterous.
Sometimes I jump into roomswith all of my energy and people
are like, oh my God, chill out,girl, right, like who cares?
It's me, it's who I am.
Now, it's not.
If they don't like that, that'snot my fault, it's not my
(17:00):
problem.
So you're going to go andyou're going to go be with this
friend and this client and youguys are going to get along and
there's going to be safety.
And, yeah, maybe every once ina while someone might be annoyed
with you.
They don't like you perfectly,it's okay, they don't have to.
You be your best self.
You're kind, you're loving,you're caring.
Those are the things that makeyou you, and so long as you keep
showing up as your best self inyour life, that's all that
(17:20):
matters, and anyone else cantake or leave you.
Speaker 2 (17:22):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (17:24):
How's that landing when I say it?
Speaker 2 (17:26):
Yeah, skeptical.
Speaker 1 (17:28):
Yeah, that's fair.
I love the honesty of that.
Yes, I'll just keep repeatingit to you until it starts
landing, okay.
Speaker 2 (17:37):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (17:37):
Okay, all right.
Well, as we're wrapping up here, is there any other questions
you have last minute or anyother thought process?
Speaker 2 (17:45):
No, that was the major one that I've got going on
.
Right now, my main issue, theliving spot All right.
Speaker 1 (17:52):
So it sounds like we're just waiting to hear back
from the family and then maybewe'll start making that decision
.
How does that feel in your bodywhen you think about moving out
and into this other place?
Speaker 2 (18:02):
That I'll be safe.
Speaker 1 (18:03):
That's beautiful.
And what does that safety feellike in your body?
Tingling, yeah, I want you tokeep holding on to that tingling
, safe feeling, because youdeserve it okay.
Speaker 2 (18:13):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (18:15):
All right, lisa, thank you so much for coming on
and being vulnerable, and Iappreciate you so much.
Have a beautiful day, okay.
All right, you too.
Wow, that was just such abeautiful call.
If you're anything like me, youprobably felt something stir
during that conversation withLisa, whether it was that
familiar pull towards self-blameor the fear of making wrong
(18:39):
choices, or maybe it was justthe weight of wanting to be
chosen but not knowing how tochoose yourself.
I just want you to know you'renot alone these moments.
This is the work, and it's sobrave to even begin noticing
your patterns, let aloneshifting them, and that's what
Lisa's doing and that's why I'mso proud of her.
Now, if this episode hit homefor you and you're craving
(19:01):
support like this, I want topersonally invite you to apply
for a free coaching call with me.
We'll dive into what's reallygoing on in your relationships
and if it feels like your storycould help other women too,
we'll air it right here on thepodcast.
Now, remember, you can apply byjust scrolling down to the show
notes and hitting apply forfree coaching with Jen, or head
over to speak-honestcom slashpodcast.
(19:23):
I'd love to support you Now, asalways.
Thank you so much for beinghere with us, for listening, for
opening up your hearts, forbeing a part of this community
and for loving on each other.
I will speak with you all nextweek.
Take care, as we wrap uptoday's conversation, always
(19:44):
remember that healing is ajourney, not a destination, and
it is an honor to be a part ofyour healing journey.
If you want to dig deeper intothe topics we covered today, be
sure to head over to our shownotes, where you can find all of
the valuable informationmentioned in today's episode
right there.
And please remember to rate,review and subscribe if you
enjoyed today's podcast.
(20:05):
Your feedback means the worldto us and helps others discover
our podcast.
Until next time, remember tospeak up and speak honest.
Hello and welcome to Speak Honest.
I am your host and certifiedrelationship coach, jennifer
Noble.
It has been my passion for overa decade to help women like you
heal what's been holding youback from having the
relationships you deserve.
Are you struggling with arelationship where you can't
seem to voice your emotions,needs and boundaries without
(00:26):
having it blow up in your face?
Then you have found the rightpodcast, my friend.
Get ready for practical tips,empowering truths and honest
conversations.
Now let's dive in.
Hello, ladies, and welcome backto another episode of Speak
Honest.
I am Jen Noble, your go-torelationship coach, and today I
get to share a powerful coachingcall with a client of mine
(00:48):
named Lisa.
Now, lisa's been a part of ourcommunity for quite a while now
and she reached out because sheneeded a little extra support
around something she's beenstruggling with.
What came up in this session issomething I think a lot of you
will be able to relate to.
Now, this is a heavy topic andit brings up a lot of emotions,
and I just want to say that'sokay.
In fact, I think it's beautiful.
(01:09):
Feeling things deeply meanswe're actually processing, and
that's where the healing starts.
Now, quick heads up Lisa and Irecorded this in her car because
it was the safest place for herto be.
But that means that the audioisn't exactly the best, but this
conversation is so rich and soreal that I knew I still wanted
to share it here on the podcast,because I truly believe that
(01:31):
her story will resonate with somany of you, and if you've been
thinking I could really use asession like this, jen, then
let's do it.
I'd love to coach you and I'dlove for you to be featured on
the podcast.
So just scroll on down to theshow notes or head to
speak-oddicecom slash podcast toapply to be on the show.
If it feels like your storycould help inspire other women,
(01:54):
then this is the time to do itand you and I will have a 30
minute free coaching call and inthe end, if we feel like this
is something that's going tohelp uplift other women, then
we're gonna feature your podcasthere on the end.
If we feel like this issomething that's going to help
uplift other women, then we'regoing to feature your podcast
here on the episode, which isjust a beautiful community-based
effort for all of us to lifteach other up in healing.
But now, as you listen to mycoaching call with Lisa.
(02:16):
I want you to be thinking aboutthis.
Where in your life are youchronically blaming yourself?
Where in your life are youchronically blaming yourself?
Where do you keep repeating thesame pattern over and over
again, even though deep down,you know that this isn't for you
and what might be holding youback from breaking free from
(02:36):
that pattern?
I want you to keep all of thatin mind with my coaching call
with Lisa.
Hey, lisa, thank you so muchfor coming on to the podcast.
What can I do for you today?
How can I help?
Speaker 2 (02:50):
Hey, jen, you know a little bit about my background.
I'm in a situation right nowwhere I'm living with a friend
and there's been some stuffthat's happened and I don't feel
safe staying there anymore.
I have options.
Some of them aren't good.
Some of them mean going back tomy husband.
Speaker 1 (03:09):
Yeah, we don't want to do that, do we?
Speaker 2 (03:12):
No, because he won't even.
You know.
I asked him.
I said he wants to work thingsout.
Okay, fine, we're working itout.
Can we turn the tiny shed intoa tiny home?
He goes no, there's no sense inthere.
If you can't stay at home, thenyou don't need to be here
anyway.
Speaker 1 (03:27):
So let's look at this .
So I know that you recentlymoved out with your husband.
Speaker 2 (03:32):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (03:33):
And that was a huge deal, that was a life-changing,
so proud of you moment.
Oh my gosh, it can't even likeyes, like girl power.
So proud of you and you movedin with a friend.
Speaker 2 (03:43):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (03:44):
And then your friend, stuff is going on and it
doesn't seem to be going the waywe had hoped.
Speaker 2 (03:51):
No, I mean the finger's getting pointed at me
and I just I don't.
I don't understand why.
You know, yeah, it came upmissing, but you automatically
assume that I did it.
Speaker 1 (04:03):
Right, and so you're getting blamed for something
that you didn't do Right, and Iwanted to ask if you can see the
correlation between when youwere living with your husband or
ex-husband, now separated.
Oftentimes, he would blame youfor a lot of things too,
wouldn't he?
Yes, yeah, and it seems likethis is happening again, isn't
it?
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (04:22):
Seems like that's the story of my life.
Yeah, I guess I attract thewrong people.
Speaker 1 (04:28):
Yeah, and that's not your fault, it's just what
happens.
I mean, if we dug deeper, lisa,I'd have a sneaking suspicion
that you probably got blamed fora lot of stuff as a kid.
Speaker 2 (04:36):
Oh yeah.
Speaker 1 (04:37):
Yeah, why not?
And that's not your fault.
It's not your fault at all.
This is what happens.
This is part of our upbringing,this is part of those
attachment patterns that we talkabout sometimes, and so if, as
a kid, you were chronicallyblamed for doing something that
wasn't your fault, you're goingto seek that out as you get
older, and you're going to seekit out even in these tiny little
ways, like your friendships oryour friend's husbands or your
(04:59):
coworkers.
It's wild how it happens, isn'tit?
Speaker 2 (05:05):
Yeah, yeah, I've never really put that together
like that.
Speaker 1 (05:06):
Yeah, what I'm so proud is that, as you're coming
and you're talking to me, you'renot asking me hey, jen, I'm
getting blamed for something,how can I stand up for myself,
or not even like that.
But what I mean is, how can Iexplain myself to this person?
How can I make myself smallerso they keep me?
What I love seeing right now isthat you're asking how do I get
(05:28):
out again?
Speaker 2 (05:29):
Right yeah.
Speaker 1 (05:31):
You're still breaking patterns.
Do you see how great you'redoing?
Speaker 2 (05:33):
Yes, it doesn't feel great all the time, but yeah, I
guess.
Speaker 1 (05:37):
That's fair.
It does not feel great, does it?
Speaker 2 (05:39):
No, it's not going to feel great in the moment and
I'll probably be happy about itlater down the road.
You know I'll be like oh, I seeit now.
Speaker 1 (05:47):
Yeah, yeah.
So until you see it, I justwanted to showcase it for you
Because sometimes, when we're inthe middle of these big, big
things happening, we don'tactually see how far along we've
come, and so I just want tomake sure that I put a mirror up
to that for you.
You see it, make sure that Iput a mirror up to that for you.
You see it, you're stopping itand you're going to probably
have to stop it more.
It's going to keep happeningbecause you're unbreaking
(06:10):
decades of patterns.
It's honestly, it's a lot oftimes, lisa, why people don't do
it.
Can you see why they just likegive in?
Speaker 2 (06:17):
Because it's hard.
Speaker 1 (06:18):
It's so hard.
You're doing one of the hardestthings in the world.
It's not going to be easy.
Speaker 2 (06:24):
It hasn't been Not a single day Like the other day.
I couldn't stop crying.
I'm like, why, like, how bad ofa person had I been in a past
life, or something that?
Speaker 1 (06:36):
Do you hear the subtle blame in that question?
Yeah, what kind of a bad persondid I have to be to deserve
this?
Oh, no, no, no, hon, that's notyou.
It's not your fault.
None of this is your fault.
Do you even hear that that'syou blaming you for something
that wasn't your fault?
Yeah, we're not going to dothat anymore.
Speaker 2 (06:53):
right, I'm going to try not to Can't make any
promises.
Speaker 1 (06:55):
Well, you're going to keep doing it.
Listen, I do it to myself allthe time, but when you're around
me, I'm going to knock it outus, okay, okay.
Speaker 2 (07:01):
That works for me.
Speaker 1 (07:03):
Let's try something together.
Speaker 2 (07:04):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (07:05):
Tell me something.
Let's see If you believe thatyou had done something terrible
in your life for this in orderto happen to you.
I want to ask you a questionwhat was the first time you felt
that feeling of being blamedfor something?
Speaker 2 (07:17):
I was probably 13, maybe younger, but I don't
remember that far back.
Speaker 1 (07:22):
So can you picture a 13-year-old girl in your mind
right now, Like do you know a13-year-old or been around one
recently?
Speaker 2 (07:29):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:29):
Yeah, kind of like that young teenage, not quite a
16-year-old, still kind of young.
Speaker 2 (07:34):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:34):
Yeah, Now if something bad happens to this
teenage girl, is it her fault?
Speaker 2 (07:41):
No.
If somebody hurt her orsomebody when that 13-year-old
is hurt and she tells who she'ssupposed to tell and nothing
happens.
You get told it.
You know You're the person thatcaused it.
If I went and walked around inthis or you went and walked
around in that, you wouldn'thave got that attention.
Speaker 1 (08:00):
Right, do you hear how they blame us as women?
Speaker 2 (08:02):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (08:03):
Do you hear that?
Maybe if they weren't assholesand looking at us that way, this
wouldn't happen either.
We should be allowed to wearwhatever the fuck we want to
wear.
Speaker 2 (08:12):
Right.
It doesn't always happen thatway, though, does it?
Speaker 1 (08:16):
No, it doesn't.
And then you know what they dowhen they make a shitty decision
.
Who do they blame?
Speaker 2 (08:21):
Us Exactly.
Speaker 1 (08:22):
Exactly so.
If a girl is walking around andwhatever she wants to be
wearing this 13-year-old girl iswalking around, she feels good,
she's loving her life andsomething happens to her, are we
going to sit there and blameher?
Are we going to hold the personaccountable who hurt her?
Speaker 2 (08:37):
You would hope that we would hold the person
accountable.
I would.
Speaker 1 (08:42):
Let's say it's me and you.
Let's just say it's just me andyou.
And we see a 13-year-old girlgetting hurt and she tells us
about it.
What are we going to do?
Speaker 2 (08:50):
Well, the proper thing to do would be to call the
cops.
What I would do is a totallydifferent story.
Speaker 1 (08:58):
Maybe you and I go get some shovels.
Speaker 2 (09:00):
Yeah, there we go.
That's what I'm talking about.
Speaker 1 (09:02):
Yeah, maybe you and I do something a little bit.
Speaker 2 (09:05):
Yeah, it'd be a little bit different, I mean
listen.
Speaker 1 (09:07):
If they can blame us, we can.
Speaker 2 (09:09):
Yeah, we can Well you know, if it's my fault, I'm
going to go ahead and take careof it.
Speaker 1 (09:13):
Right, exactly.
Well, you know, if he wasn'tsuch an asshole then maybe I
wouldn't have hit him upside thehead with a shovel.
Oops, right, because it's notokay.
No, it's not, and I know it'snot.
No, it's not.
Yeah, what's coming up for youright now?
(09:34):
A little bit of relief.
Speaker 2 (09:37):
I just wanted to stop .
You know what I mean.
I'm every bot.
Speaker 1 (09:42):
Those are going to happen for a little while longer
, okay.
Speaker 2 (09:45):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:48):
It's just part of our body having a process.
It's not going to be easy andit's not going to be fun, but
every time they come up, I justwant you to know that it's just
part of the process and thatyou're safe and that you did
nothing wrong.
Can you do that for yourself?
When they come up, can you justmaybe put a hand on your heart
and you just say, oh, there itis again, okay, and then you
just kind of breathe through itand you let it go, let it come
up and out.
Speaker 2 (10:09):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (10:09):
It's not your fault and you did nothing wrong.
Just keep repeating that toyourself.
Okay, do you want to try itright now with me?
Do you want to try putting ahand on your?
Speaker 2 (10:18):
heart and trying it Okay.
Speaker 1 (10:19):
Would you feel comfortable saying it out loud
to give it a try?
Speaker 2 (10:22):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (10:24):
It's not my fault.
It's not my fault.
I did nothing wrong.
I did nothing wrong.
It's not my fault.
It's not my fault.
Speaker 2 (10:36):
I did nothing wrong.
Speaker 1 (10:38):
That big feeling you're having with that is just
your little girl, so grateful.
Someone is finally seeing her.
It is not your fault, it's notmy fault and you did nothing
wrong.
I did nothing wrong.
How are you feeling right now?
Speaker 2 (10:55):
About the same A little bit lighter.
Speaker 1 (10:59):
Okay, good, a little bit lighter.
So with that lightness, I wantto shift gear slightly to
talking about where to live,because if we have the energy
going into this that this is notyour fault and you did nothing
wrong slightly.
To talking about where to live,because if we have the energy
going into this that this is notyour fault and you did nothing
wrong, then you can see that youjust deserve a better place to
live.
And hopefully, with that energythrough each time, maybe we
have to go through this lesson acouple more times.
I have no idea.
(11:19):
Sometimes it's annoying, ittakes a while, but let's try the
next place.
Maybe it gets a little bitbetter.
And where else, what are youroptions?
Do you want to talk throughthis?
Speaker 2 (11:29):
I.
Maybe it gets a little bitbetter.
Okay, and where else, what areyour options?
Do you want to talk throughthis?
I can stay where I'm at becauseRochelle says she doesn't
believe that I took anything.
Oh good, she has that doubtbecause she texted someone and
that someone showed me the textand so said that she was on the
verge of having me leave itbecause of what's going on.
And I was like, and then shecame to me and said something
completely different, that shewasn't.
(11:50):
You know, she believed that Ididn't take it and she trusts me
.
But she's two-sided on thatflip point, you know.
And then I can go to my husband, but he wants me not to live in
a plane shed.
He wants to work things out theway he wants to work them out.
So it remains the same.
And then I have a client whichI know this is not good
(12:13):
etiquette for my business, butshe's an older lady and I help
her out a lot.
I help her out and don't chargeher.
She told me the other day thatif I needed a place to stay,
that I could stay with her for awhile.
Speaker 1 (12:25):
Well, that's lovely.
Speaker 2 (12:26):
I thought it was very nice.
It is very nice.
Well, that's lovely.
Speaker 1 (12:28):
I thought it was very nice.
That is very nice, Actually.
Talk me through that.
Let's be radical here.
Tell me why that might not begood business.
Speaker 2 (12:33):
Well, it's not good business.
Because what?
Because it's a normal thing forme.
Something always happens.
It never changes.
Something bad always happens.
Somebody winds up hating me ordisliking me, or you know, I do
something to piss someone off.
It's just the way my life hasbeen.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (12:51):
What if we're changing that now?
Just what if Just throw it outthere?
What if, yeah, you're differentnow, because you know now it's
not your fault and you didnothing wrong and you know,
moving forward, you're going tosurround yourself, maybe these
people who blamed you and gotmad at you and all this stuff.
Those are just part of yourpatterns, right, but what if we
broke that pattern?
And what if you went to thespace and it was safe and loving
(13:14):
and kind?
Speaker 2 (13:15):
And it would be.
I know it would be what wouldhappen.
I'd probably heal more, yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:20):
And like, yeah, we have these ideas of what ethics
are for business and all of thisstuff.
Speaker 2 (13:26):
But like who decided those Right?
Speaker 1 (13:27):
What if our world was a more community?
What if we could offer this upmore?
Speaker 2 (13:31):
I think it would be a lot better place to live.
There'd be a lot less peoplelike me.
Speaker 1 (13:37):
Feel that energy, as you just said that.
Speaker 2 (13:40):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:41):
We want to create that environment of a better
place to live.
So the Lisas and the littleLisas and the 13-year-olds, they
have safe spaces to go, notplaces of blame right.
Speaker 2 (13:55):
Right, yeah.
So let's say, you try it outwith this woman and it doesn't
work out, then what?
Then I don't know what.
Speaker 1 (13:57):
Then we try one more thing and we keep going, because
you have kept going your wholelife, so I know you can do this.
Speaker 2 (14:05):
Yeah.
So I told her that she had totalk because she's been
estranged from her family for alittle bit and they've just
gotten reunited.
They're talking and spendingtime together and I asked her.
I said I would love to take youup on this opportunity, but I
need to make sure that yourfamily is going to be okay with
this, Because they just, like Isaid, just got reunited and I
(14:25):
don't want to be the one to comebetween that.
I don't want to be the reasonthey get pissed off at her.
Speaker 1 (14:31):
Well, can I challenge that?
Lisa Uh-huh, Can you hear theblame in that?
Speaker 2 (14:35):
I do.
Speaker 1 (14:36):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (14:36):
Yeah, I do.
Speaker 1 (14:37):
If they get pissed off at her because you're there,
is that your fault?
No, are you in the wrong?
Speaker 2 (14:43):
No no.
Speaker 1 (14:44):
No, let's let them make their life choices.
But it's not your fault and youdid nothing wrong.
Speaker 2 (14:50):
It's not my fault that I did nothing wrong.
Speaker 1 (14:53):
This is going to be your mantra for the next couple
months, because all of thechoices you're making right now
are stemming from that beliefthat it's your fault, that you
did something wrong, that you'reto blame.
Do you hear all of that?
Speaker 2 (15:07):
I do.
I've never heard it before.
Speaker 1 (15:10):
And that belief is going to hold you back from
being in safe spaces, because itmight prevent you from staying
in a safe space for fear thatthis one place that actually
makes you feel safe.
You don't want to fuck that onething up, right?
Speaker 2 (15:20):
Yeah, that's about where I am with this, yeah.
Speaker 1 (15:23):
Let's throw caution to the wind.
Let's test it.
Speaker 2 (15:26):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (15:27):
Because you deserve safety.
I kind of believe that, yeah,yeah, and you're not going to
believe it after this oneconversation with me.
Right, we'll keep doing theWednesday support sessions
together.
You keep coming in, you see it.
You can see it in the otherladies.
If you looked at any of thoseother ladies on those Wednesday
support sessions, you would knowthat they deserve happiness and
safety and support too, don'tthey?
Speaker 2 (15:46):
Yes, they do.
Speaker 1 (15:47):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (15:48):
They're very supportive group.
Speaker 1 (15:55):
I love them, yeah, and they love you, and it's such
a beautiful community and youwould never look at those women
like, well, it's your fault, oryou suck, or you're to blame and
it's not yours.
So I love this idea.
Maybe this is something.
What would be your next step?
So, as we're wrapping up heretoday, what would be your next
step in moving out of this onefriend's house and maybe into a
safer space?
Speaker 2 (16:13):
Waiting until after she talks to her family on the
weekend, when they're.
I really do want her to talk toher.
It's like she said she can makeher own decision.
I understand that I said, but Iguess, from my mindset, I guess
I need to know that they'reokay.
Speaker 1 (16:28):
And that's good and then moving forward, I want you
to trust that If she saysthey're okay, trust it.
Speaker 2 (16:34):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (16:36):
Even if something happens.
Listen, lisa, I'm annoying ascrap sometimes, right, I'm loud,
I'm boisterous.
Sometimes I jump into roomswith all of my energy and people
are like, oh my God, chill out,girl, right, like who cares?
It's me, it's who I am.
Now, it's not.
If they don't like that, that'snot my fault, it's not my
(17:00):
problem.
So you're going to go andyou're going to go be with this
friend and this client and youguys are going to get along and
there's going to be safety.
And, yeah, maybe every once ina while someone might be annoyed
with you.
They don't like you perfectly,it's okay, they don't have to.
You be your best self.
You're kind, you're loving,you're caring.
Those are the things that makeyou you, and so long as you keep
showing up as your best self inyour life, that's all that
(17:20):
matters, and anyone else cantake or leave you.
Speaker 2 (17:22):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (17:24):
How's that landing when I say it?
Speaker 2 (17:26):
Yeah, skeptical.
Speaker 1 (17:28):
Yeah, that's fair.
I love the honesty of that.
Yes, I'll just keep repeatingit to you until it starts
landing, okay.
Speaker 2 (17:37):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (17:37):
Okay, all right.
Well, as we're wrapping up here, is there any other questions
you have last minute or anyother thought process?
Speaker 2 (17:45):
No, that was the major one that I've got going on
.
Right now, my main issue, theliving spot All right.
Speaker 1 (17:52):
So it sounds like we're just waiting to hear back
from the family and then maybewe'll start making that decision
.
How does that feel in your bodywhen you think about moving out
and into this other place?
Speaker 2 (18:02):
That I'll be safe.
Speaker 1 (18:03):
That's beautiful.
And what does that safety feellike in your body?
Tingling, yeah, I want you tokeep holding on to that tingling
, safe feeling, because youdeserve it okay.
Speaker 2 (18:13):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (18:15):
All right, lisa, thank you so much for coming on
and being vulnerable, and Iappreciate you so much.
Have a beautiful day, okay.
All right, you too.
Wow, that was just such abeautiful call.
If you're anything like me, youprobably felt something stir
during that conversation withLisa, whether it was that
familiar pull towards self-blameor the fear of making wrong
(18:39):
choices, or maybe it was justthe weight of wanting to be
chosen but not knowing how tochoose yourself.
I just want you to know you'renot alone these moments.
This is the work, and it's sobrave to even begin noticing
your patterns, let aloneshifting them, and that's what
Lisa's doing and that's why I'mso proud of her.
Now, if this episode hit homefor you and you're craving
(19:01):
support like this, I want topersonally invite you to apply
for a free coaching call with me.
We'll dive into what's reallygoing on in your relationships
and if it feels like your storycould help other women too,
we'll air it right here on thepodcast.
Now, remember, you can apply byjust scrolling down to the show
notes and hitting apply forfree coaching with Jen, or head
over to speak-honestcom slashpodcast.
(19:23):
I'd love to support you Now, asalways.
Thank you so much for beinghere with us, for listening, for
opening up your hearts, forbeing a part of this community
and for loving on each other.
I will speak with you all nextweek.
Take care, as we wrap uptoday's conversation, always
(19:44):
remember that healing is ajourney, not a destination, and
it is an honor to be a part ofyour healing journey.
If you want to dig deeper intothe topics we covered today, be
sure to head over to our shownotes, where you can find all of
the valuable informationmentioned in today's episode
right there.
And please remember to rate,review and subscribe if you
enjoyed today's podcast.
(20:05):
Your feedback means the worldto us and helps others discover
our podcast.
Until next time, remember tospeak up and speak honest.
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