July 2, 2025 • 17 mins
Ever feel like your attraction to someone might be more pain than passion?
In this Q&A episode, I’m answering listener-submitted questions that get to the heart of what so many of us struggle with in relationships. We’re diving into the difference between anxious attachment and intuition (spoiler alert: your intuition doesn’t panic-text six times in a row), unpacking what activating and deactivating strategies really look like, and taking a hard look at trauma bonds. I also talk about what to do when you're still emotionally or physically attracted to someone you know is bad for you and why that doesn’t mean something’s wrong with you.
You might want to listen if:
- You’re constantly questioning if it’s your intuition or your anxiety talking
- You keep texting even when you promised yourself you’d stop
- You feel stuck in a relationship that feels both intense and unsafe
- You rationalize someone’s hurtful behavior and blame yourself
- You don’t understand why you still want someone who treats you poorly
FIND OUT MORE!
- Apply for FREE Coaching with Jenn
- Join the DANCE CIRCLE - Get updates on Jenn's debut book "Dance of Attachment"
- Join our FREE Community! Speak Honest Facebook Group 🧡
- Become a Relationship Reboot Member and access all you need to become secure.
- Schedule your Free 30 min Attachment Assessment with Jenn Today!
- Watch Jenn on the 🔴 TEDx Stage!
- Download your free Workbook: Dance of Attachment
- Visit www.speak-honest.com to learn more
- Follow Jenn on Instagram: @speak_honest
- Like the episode? Please write a review, your words help others find us!
DISCLAIMER: Speak Honest podcast content is informational, not professional or medical advice. Jenn is an ICF relationship coach, not a licensed therapist. Consult health ...
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Hello and welcome to Speak Honest.
I am your host and certifiedrelationship coach, jennifer
Noble.
It has been my passion for overa decade to help women like you
heal what's been holding youback from having the
relationships you deserve.
Are you struggling with arelationship where you can't
seem to voice your emotions,needs and boundaries without
(00:26):
having it blow up in your face?
Then you have found the rightpodcast, my friend.
Get ready for practical tips,empowering truths and honest
conversations.
Now let's dive in.
Hello everyone and welcome backto another episode of Speak
Honest.
I am Jen Noble, your go-torelationship coach, and on
today's episode we are going tobe answering some listener
(00:48):
questions.
So lately in the Facebook groupI've been getting a lot of
really great questions, as wellas in the Relationship Reboot
program, some amazing questionsthat these women keep asking me,
and I thought to myself let mestart kind of collecting these
and let me answer them on thepodcast.
I answer them in the Facebookgroup when I can.
I answer them in the program aswell, during our group coaching
(01:09):
sessions, but at the same time,I think they're really
important to be giving to all ofyou, to all of you listening
right now.
You deserve to be able to getyour questions answered as well.
So if this is something thatinterests you, if you're
listening to the questions todaywhile you are listening to this
podcast, and you want to askyour own question, then I invite
you to join us over in our freeFacebook community.
(01:31):
We have a free Facebookcommunity that is filled with
women just like you looking toheal their attachment styles and
better their communication withtheir partners.
Or maybe you're not in arelationship right now, but you
want to learn how to communicatebetter so you can in the future
.
That's what we do.
We'd love to have you.
You can scroll down to the shownotes and you can click on the
link to join our free Facebookcommunity, or just go to
(01:54):
Facebook and, in the searchengine, type in speak honest.
You're going to see these twolittle orange hearts on both
sides.
They'll say secure attachmentand confident communication for
women.
That is our Facebook community.
I would love to see you overthere, but if you have a
question, that is the best placeto go and ask me, and then at
some point in time, I might evenbe able to answer them here on
(02:15):
the podcast.
So, with all of that said, let'sdive into today's episode.
All right, so I have about fourquestions right now that I was
going over and I saw a bit of atheme happening in our questions
for this week, and so we'regoing to be talking a lot about
attachment styles.
(02:36):
We're going to be talking aboutactivating and deactivating
strategies.
We're going to be figuring outif it is my anxious attachment
that's happening or is itactually my intuition that is
coming up.
We're also going to be talkingabout what exactly is a trauma
bond, and if I'm in a traumabond, how do I change myself
emotionally or physically tostop being attracted to someone?
(02:57):
So these are the questions thatI had come up that I wanted to
touch on today.
So let's start with questionnumber one.
My client asked what is thedifference between activating
and deactivating strategies?
Well, the short answer here isthat activating strategies are
attempts to pull someone closerto you.
So this typically happens withan anxious attachment style, and
(03:22):
activating means you're kind ofcoming up in your body in a way
in which you are gettingactivated.
You can feel the kind ofanxiety, you can feel the
bubbles forming inside of youand you are trying everything
you can to cling on to theperson.
This is an activating strategy.
A deactivating strategy is whenyou start shutting down.
(03:42):
It's when you start pushingthem away.
This happens a little bit morewith avoidant attachment styles
and so, for example, let's say,for activating, an activating
strategy might be textingsomeone six times in a row
because they never got back toyou, so that one's really kind
of important to notice.
Maybe your activating strategyis you have to text this person
(04:04):
right away and if you don't like, your insides feel like they
might explode.
That is when you are in youranxious attachment.
That is an activating strategy.
It's also an activatingstrategy to feel like you need
to know where your partner is atall times.
If you start feeling jealous,if you start feeling like
they're going to betray you orcheat on you, if you start
asking them tons of questionslike where were you?
(04:25):
Why weren't you home in time?
What's that smell?
Why is your shirt different?
Your hypervigilance is pickingup.
These are all activatingstrategies and on the other end,
a deactivating strategy mightbe just pushing someone away.
Flaw-finding is a really bigdeactivating strategy.
This is where we see things inour partner and we think to
ourselves we don't like them.
We don't like the way theycough, we don't like the way
(04:48):
that they chew with their mouthopen, although I really don't
like that in general.
So maybe that's just anon-negotiable for me and not a
deactivating strategy.
But let's say it's somethingthat's never bothered you really
before, and all of a suddenit's starting to bother you.
You hate the way he takes hissocks off at night and all of a
sudden you're convincingyourself we're not even meant to
be together and so you avoidhis texts, you don't answer his
(05:11):
questions, you stay later atwork because you don't want to
come home.
These are all deactivatingstrategies.
So these strategies, remember,they are usually subconscious.
They are just attempts toregulate our attachment fears.
So let me say that again,activating and deactivating
(05:36):
strategies are just unconsciousattempts to regulate attachment
fears.
That's all they are, and sowe're just going to work through
them as we go along.
So great, great question.
If you have any more questionsabout that, hop into the
Facebook group, ask me more.
I can dive into that deeper,but let's go to the next one.
The next one is somebody askedme is it me or is it my anxious
attachment?
(05:56):
I love this question and infact you can go back earlier on
in one of the episodes I haveSomebody asked is it me or is he
an asshole?
Right?
This is often a question Is itme or is it something else?
My first question there isusually to ask who is you?
Who is the essence of you?
Who are you?
And oftentimes we don't knowthat.
So until we know who we are,this can be a tough conversation
(06:17):
to have, and we work inside theRelationship Reboot program to
rebuild the relationship withourselves so that way we know
who we are.
But otherwise, let's look alittle bit as to what this might
look like.
So let's understand thedifference between who we are
and what anxious attachment is.
In this regards, I'm going totalk about who we are as our
intuition, that deep knowing,you know, that feeling in the
(06:40):
gut, that like, ah yes, that iswhat I know.
I feel like that's what wethink of when we think of our
true essence, our true self.
Well, intuition comes with acalm knowing.
It's centered, it's grounded,it's slow, it doesn't need to
fix anything right now.
(07:01):
It's just a soft knowing.
That is our intuition, whereasour attachment it feels like
urgency.
It feels like panic, obsession,rumination, like if we don't
take care of it right now, wewill die.
It's kind of like what we weretalking about in the last
question.
It's activating.
(07:22):
If you are feeling activated, ifyou're texting six times, that
is not your intuition,sweetheart, that is your anxious
attachment.
Okay, you, the essence of you,does not text six times.
I can almost guarantee you that.
Listen, if you do text sixtimes, maybe that's different.
Maybe you're like talking withyour bestie and you're the type
of person that's like, hey, send, how are you doing?
Send, let's get together.
Send for some margaritas, send,right, that's different, and we
(07:49):
all know that I talk to mybestie that way.
Sometimes it's like I'm just astrain of thoughts that come out
of my mind as I'm talking tothem.
But if you're talking like, hey, we really need to talk, where
are you?
What's going on this?
This is not coming from yourtrue self.
This is not coming from theessence of you.
This is not from your soft,grounded space.
That is an anxious activationhappening.
So that's the biggest thing Iwould want to touch on here.
Is it you or your anxiousattachment?
(08:09):
Well, I would ask you do youfeel afraid in this moment or do
you feel grounded?
And then another helpfulquestion to ask yourself is if
you weren't afraid right now.
Maybe you weren't afraid ofbeing abandoned, of being
rejected, of being unworthy, ofnot being enough, of not being
pretty enough.
If you weren't afraid right now, would you still feel this way.
So if your fear is he'scheating on me, if you weren't
(08:38):
afraid of that fear, if you werelike, okay, whatever, he's
cheating on me, if he's cheatingon me, his loss, fuck him, I'm
going to go do what I do best.
If there's no fear there, wouldyou still feel this way.
That is a really good life hackof understanding the difference
between you and your attachment.
Remember attachment it yells,it screams, it is intense, it is
(08:59):
obnoxious, but your intuition,it whispers, it's calm, it's
grounded, it's in control, andthat's a really good way to be
able to tell.
So now let's move on to questionnumber three.
In question number three, thisclient asks how do you know if
it's truly a trauma bond?
So I think, in regards to thisquestion, what she's asking for
(09:21):
herself is how do I know if I'mtrauma bonded to my partner or
not?
Is how do I know if I'm traumabonded to my partner or not?
Well, I wanted to answer thisone, because the first thing I
wanted to do was I wanted tofind what a trauma bond actually
is, because a lot of peoplethink it's something that it's
not actually right Like.
I hear this term thrown aroundin pop psychology a lot, and a
lot of times they use it todescribe any intense or messy
(09:43):
relationship, or maybe one whereboth of you are bonding over
your trauma.
But that's not what a traumabond is.
So let's get this very clear.
If we're going to use thesewords, I want to use them
properly.
A trauma bond happens whensomeone hurts you, actually
hurts you.
This could be actual abuse, itcould be manipulation, and then
(10:03):
this gets mixed with just enoughcomfort, just enough affection
or an apology to keep you hooked.
It's a cycle of harm followedby moments of tenderness or
connection, and this confusesyour nervous system and it keeps
you stuck.
And it's not just that you havea history together or chemistry
(10:27):
, or that your wounds lined upor you have similar situations.
It's more of an attack thatover there, like where you say
like, oh my gosh, we both hadterrible mothers, oh my gosh,
like we both had issues in ourlife or we both come from
cultures that kept us down, weboth have religious trauma.
That's more of an attachmentbond.
That's more of a connection.
It's not a trauma bond, that'sa connection or, as I call it
(10:49):
sometimes, an attachment bond.
It's when your familiarity fromyour childhood, which is your
attachment, connects and that'san attachment bond.
A trauma bond, on the other hand, is when you're stuck in a loop
of emotional abuse andreinforcement.
Honestly, it's exactly likeStockholm Syndrome if you know
what Stockholm Syndrome is andthis is where you start to
confuse survival with love.
(11:09):
Like I have to win him over, Ihave to earn his love in order
to be loved, and when I do, thenI feel better about myself, and
this is how we can get suckedinto trauma bonds.
So if you're asking yourself isthis a trauma bond?
Here are some things for you tolook for.
Do you feel addicted to him for?
Do you feel addicted to himeven though you're being harmed?
Is he throwing stuff at you?
(11:31):
Is he keeping you from yourfriends and your family?
Like, let's get really realhere, real quick, girl, okay.
Has he hurt you?
Has he abused you?
Has he hit you and thenapologized?
And then you feel addicted tothis and you feel like you need
to go back.
Then, yes, there might be atrauma bond there and it's okay
if that's happening.
(11:51):
I want to hold space for that.
There's nothing wrong.
There's no shame around that.
That's why we have an entirepsychology concept called
Stockholm Syndrome around thiskind of stuff and that gets
looked at as like big, massiveabuse.
And that's why when a traumabond, it's more subtle.
So I just want to say you'renot alone in that.
If that is happening to you,reach out to me.
(12:12):
I will help you.
But let's look at some morequestions.
Do you rationalize theirbehavior?
Or worse, do you blame yourselffor it?
He wouldn't have hit me if Ihad made him dinner on time.
He wouldn't have yelled at meif I just had been better.
That's rationalizing hisbehavior and we want to check on
(12:34):
that because that can beindicative of a trauma bond.
And last one I want you to lookat is do you feel like you can't
leave?
Are you terrified of beingwithout them, even though the
relationship feels unsafe?
Do you feel unsafe with thisperson and yet you cannot leave
this relationship?
Then there is a high chancethat there is a trauma bond
going on there.
And these trauma bonds, theyare no joke.
(12:56):
There's not something to bedismissed or questioned or be
like why can't you just leave?
That's always a question andthat does a disservice to the
people in these relationships.
It is not that easy, it isdifficult, and if you're going
through that, let me know.
We can work through this or wecan find you the help you need
for it.
Okay, so if you answered yes toany of those questions, it is
(13:17):
time to look a bit deeper and Ijust want you to know.
If you are in a trauma bond, itis not your fault.
Your nervous system is doingeverything it can to keep you
safe.
It is just looking for thefamiliar, and healing means
getting honest about the harmand slowly building the safety
to walk away.
And now let's jump into the nextquestion real quick, because I
wanted to touch on this one howdo I change my emotional or
(13:39):
physical attraction to someonewho is unhealthy for me?
Now see, I think this one worksreally well with the previous
question, even though twodifferent people asked this
question, which is really great.
Think this one works reallywell with the previous question,
even though two differentpeople asked this question,
which is really great.
But this one works really wellwith the previous question
because, let's say, you are in atrauma bond.
Then how do you get out of it?
First, you need to work on yournon-secure attachment stance.
Are you anxious, avoidant,disorganized?
(14:01):
What's keeping you stuck inthis mix of fears?
You have the fear of beingunworthy.
Keeping you stuck in this mixof fears?
You have the fear of beingunworthy, the fear of being
alone, the fear of rejection.
I want you to find the fearthat hits deepest for you and
then follow that fear all theway out.
What's keeping you sucked in?
Are you afraid to be alone?
Are you afraid you're nothingwithout him?
(14:21):
Are you attracted to himbecause he loves you so deeply
when you're together, but whenyou're apart he doesn't give you
the time of day?
And if that's the case, thenwhat's preventing you from just
saying no, I don't want thisanymore.
And we need to ask ourselvesthose hard questions.
Not how do I stop beingattracted to him, but why am I
not leaving him if I know he'sunhealthy for me?
That's the question.
(14:41):
We want the attraction to goaway, so the leaving part is
easier.
I get it, but unfortunatelythat attraction, it will linger.
And I just want to be veryhonest here.
Like I'm still attracted to myex, and this has been what five
years later?
But it's a constant reminderthat I know he's not good for me
and I know I deserve better andI know I can do better now.
(15:05):
So that attraction, it won'tjust go away all on its own.
It still gets stuck in there.
It's just our body used to thefamiliar.
But what you can do is riseabove that attraction.
You can see that he's unhealthyfor you and you can let go.
And once you get to that levelof acceptance where you accept
that you will always be somewhatattracted to him, then you can
(15:26):
start to find what is holdingyou back from leaving.
And that's the part I wanna diginto.
And if you're out there rightnow and any of these questions
are resonating with you but youwanna dig deeper into them, then
I invite you to come on thepodcast and get some free,
personalized, one-on-onecoaching with me.
I am a certified relationshipcoach with the ICF.
I have my training andattachment communication inquiry
(15:49):
, ifs, somatics, nlp.
So it would be an honor for meto help you through your
struggle.
Maybe you're listening to metalk about how hard it is to
leave an unhealthy relationship,but your brain is thinking yeah
, jen, sure, but how?
That's when it's best to jumpon a call with me and explain to
me your unique situation,because there's only so much I
(16:10):
can answer honestly in thesekinds of questions.
But to truly get to the deeperhealing we need to dig deeper.
We need to ask questions, weneed to figure out your unique
attachment stance to see whatwould help you.
So if that sounds likesomething you need right now, I
want you to scroll down to theshow notes and click on the link
to apply to be on the podcast,or you can go to speak-honestcom
(16:31):
slash podcast and find out moreinformation there.
All right, everyone, I hope youhave a beautiful week this week.
Happy 4th of July to anyonethat is celebrating.
I will speak with you all nextweek.
Take care, as we wrap uptoday's conversation, always
remember that healing is ajourney, not a destination, and
(16:51):
it is an honor to be a part ofyour healing journey.
If you want to dig deeper intothe topics we covered today, be
sure to head over to our shownotes, where you can find all of
the valuable informationmentioned in today's episode
right there, and please rememberto rate, review and subscribe
if you enjoyed today's podcast.
Your feedback means the worldto us and helps others discover
(17:13):
our podcast.
Until next time, remember tospeak up and speak honest.
Hello and welcome to Speak Honest.
I am your host and certifiedrelationship coach, jennifer
Noble.
It has been my passion for overa decade to help women like you
heal what's been holding youback from having the
relationships you deserve.
Are you struggling with arelationship where you can't
seem to voice your emotions,needs and boundaries without
(00:26):
having it blow up in your face?
Then you have found the rightpodcast, my friend.
Get ready for practical tips,empowering truths and honest
conversations.
Now let's dive in.
Hello everyone and welcome backto another episode of Speak
Honest.
I am Jen Noble, your go-torelationship coach, and on
today's episode we are going tobe answering some listener
(00:48):
questions.
So lately in the Facebook groupI've been getting a lot of
really great questions, as wellas in the Relationship Reboot
program, some amazing questionsthat these women keep asking me,
and I thought to myself let mestart kind of collecting these
and let me answer them on thepodcast.
I answer them in the Facebookgroup when I can.
I answer them in the program aswell, during our group coaching
(01:09):
sessions, but at the same time,I think they're really
important to be giving to all ofyou, to all of you listening
right now.
You deserve to be able to getyour questions answered as well.
So if this is something thatinterests you, if you're
listening to the questions todaywhile you are listening to this
podcast, and you want to askyour own question, then I invite
you to join us over in our freeFacebook community.
(01:31):
We have a free Facebookcommunity that is filled with
women just like you looking toheal their attachment styles and
better their communication withtheir partners.
Or maybe you're not in arelationship right now, but you
want to learn how to communicatebetter so you can in the future
.
That's what we do.
We'd love to have you.
You can scroll down to the shownotes and you can click on the
link to join our free Facebookcommunity, or just go to
(01:54):
Facebook and, in the searchengine, type in speak honest.
You're going to see these twolittle orange hearts on both
sides.
They'll say secure attachmentand confident communication for
women.
That is our Facebook community.
I would love to see you overthere, but if you have a
question, that is the best placeto go and ask me, and then at
some point in time, I might evenbe able to answer them here on
(02:15):
the podcast.
So, with all of that said, let'sdive into today's episode.
All right, so I have about fourquestions right now that I was
going over and I saw a bit of atheme happening in our questions
for this week, and so we'regoing to be talking a lot about
attachment styles.
(02:36):
We're going to be talking aboutactivating and deactivating
strategies.
We're going to be figuring outif it is my anxious attachment
that's happening or is itactually my intuition that is
coming up.
We're also going to be talkingabout what exactly is a trauma
bond, and if I'm in a traumabond, how do I change myself
emotionally or physically tostop being attracted to someone?
(02:57):
So these are the questions thatI had come up that I wanted to
touch on today.
So let's start with questionnumber one.
My client asked what is thedifference between activating
and deactivating strategies?
Well, the short answer here isthat activating strategies are
attempts to pull someone closerto you.
So this typically happens withan anxious attachment style, and
(03:22):
activating means you're kind ofcoming up in your body in a way
in which you are gettingactivated.
You can feel the kind ofanxiety, you can feel the
bubbles forming inside of youand you are trying everything
you can to cling on to theperson.
This is an activating strategy.
A deactivating strategy is whenyou start shutting down.
(03:42):
It's when you start pushingthem away.
This happens a little bit morewith avoidant attachment styles
and so, for example, let's say,for activating, an activating
strategy might be textingsomeone six times in a row
because they never got back toyou, so that one's really kind
of important to notice.
Maybe your activating strategyis you have to text this person
(04:04):
right away and if you don't like, your insides feel like they
might explode.
That is when you are in youranxious attachment.
That is an activating strategy.
It's also an activatingstrategy to feel like you need
to know where your partner is atall times.
If you start feeling jealous,if you start feeling like
they're going to betray you orcheat on you, if you start
asking them tons of questionslike where were you?
(04:25):
Why weren't you home in time?
What's that smell?
Why is your shirt different?
Your hypervigilance is pickingup.
These are all activatingstrategies and on the other end,
a deactivating strategy mightbe just pushing someone away.
Flaw-finding is a really bigdeactivating strategy.
This is where we see things inour partner and we think to
ourselves we don't like them.
We don't like the way theycough, we don't like the way
(04:48):
that they chew with their mouthopen, although I really don't
like that in general.
So maybe that's just anon-negotiable for me and not a
deactivating strategy.
But let's say it's somethingthat's never bothered you really
before, and all of a suddenit's starting to bother you.
You hate the way he takes hissocks off at night and all of a
sudden you're convincingyourself we're not even meant to
be together and so you avoidhis texts, you don't answer his
(05:11):
questions, you stay later atwork because you don't want to
come home.
These are all deactivatingstrategies.
So these strategies, remember,they are usually subconscious.
They are just attempts toregulate our attachment fears.
So let me say that again,activating and deactivating
(05:36):
strategies are just unconsciousattempts to regulate attachment
fears.
That's all they are, and sowe're just going to work through
them as we go along.
So great, great question.
If you have any more questionsabout that, hop into the
Facebook group, ask me more.
I can dive into that deeper,but let's go to the next one.
The next one is somebody askedme is it me or is it my anxious
attachment?
(05:56):
I love this question and infact you can go back earlier on
in one of the episodes I haveSomebody asked is it me or is he
an asshole?
Right?
This is often a question Is itme or is it something else?
My first question there isusually to ask who is you?
Who is the essence of you?
Who are you?
And oftentimes we don't knowthat.
So until we know who we are,this can be a tough conversation
(06:17):
to have, and we work inside theRelationship Reboot program to
rebuild the relationship withourselves so that way we know
who we are.
But otherwise, let's look alittle bit as to what this might
look like.
So let's understand thedifference between who we are
and what anxious attachment is.
In this regards, I'm going totalk about who we are as our
intuition, that deep knowing,you know, that feeling in the
(06:40):
gut, that like, ah yes, that iswhat I know.
I feel like that's what wethink of when we think of our
true essence, our true self.
Well, intuition comes with acalm knowing.
It's centered, it's grounded,it's slow, it doesn't need to
fix anything right now.
(07:01):
It's just a soft knowing.
That is our intuition, whereasour attachment it feels like
urgency.
It feels like panic, obsession,rumination, like if we don't
take care of it right now, wewill die.
It's kind of like what we weretalking about in the last
question.
It's activating.
(07:22):
If you are feeling activated, ifyou're texting six times, that
is not your intuition,sweetheart, that is your anxious
attachment.
Okay, you, the essence of you,does not text six times.
I can almost guarantee you that.
Listen, if you do text sixtimes, maybe that's different.
Maybe you're like talking withyour bestie and you're the type
of person that's like, hey, send, how are you doing?
Send, let's get together.
Send for some margaritas, send,right, that's different, and we
(07:49):
all know that I talk to mybestie that way.
Sometimes it's like I'm just astrain of thoughts that come out
of my mind as I'm talking tothem.
But if you're talking like, hey, we really need to talk, where
are you?
What's going on this?
This is not coming from yourtrue self.
This is not coming from theessence of you.
This is not from your soft,grounded space.
That is an anxious activationhappening.
So that's the biggest thing Iwould want to touch on here.
Is it you or your anxiousattachment?
(08:09):
Well, I would ask you do youfeel afraid in this moment or do
you feel grounded?
And then another helpfulquestion to ask yourself is if
you weren't afraid right now.
Maybe you weren't afraid ofbeing abandoned, of being
rejected, of being unworthy, ofnot being enough, of not being
pretty enough.
If you weren't afraid right now, would you still feel this way.
So if your fear is he'scheating on me, if you weren't
(08:38):
afraid of that fear, if you werelike, okay, whatever, he's
cheating on me, if he's cheatingon me, his loss, fuck him, I'm
going to go do what I do best.
If there's no fear there, wouldyou still feel this way.
That is a really good life hackof understanding the difference
between you and your attachment.
Remember attachment it yells,it screams, it is intense, it is
(08:59):
obnoxious, but your intuition,it whispers, it's calm, it's
grounded, it's in control, andthat's a really good way to be
able to tell.
So now let's move on to questionnumber three.
In question number three, thisclient asks how do you know if
it's truly a trauma bond?
So I think, in regards to thisquestion, what she's asking for
(09:21):
herself is how do I know if I'mtrauma bonded to my partner or
not?
Is how do I know if I'm traumabonded to my partner or not?
Well, I wanted to answer thisone, because the first thing I
wanted to do was I wanted tofind what a trauma bond actually
is, because a lot of peoplethink it's something that it's
not actually right Like.
I hear this term thrown aroundin pop psychology a lot, and a
lot of times they use it todescribe any intense or messy
(09:43):
relationship, or maybe one whereboth of you are bonding over
your trauma.
But that's not what a traumabond is.
So let's get this very clear.
If we're going to use thesewords, I want to use them
properly.
A trauma bond happens whensomeone hurts you, actually
hurts you.
This could be actual abuse, itcould be manipulation, and then
(10:03):
this gets mixed with just enoughcomfort, just enough affection
or an apology to keep you hooked.
It's a cycle of harm followedby moments of tenderness or
connection, and this confusesyour nervous system and it keeps
you stuck.
And it's not just that you havea history together or chemistry
(10:27):
, or that your wounds lined upor you have similar situations.
It's more of an attack thatover there, like where you say
like, oh my gosh, we both hadterrible mothers, oh my gosh,
like we both had issues in ourlife or we both come from
cultures that kept us down, weboth have religious trauma.
That's more of an attachmentbond.
That's more of a connection.
It's not a trauma bond, that'sa connection or, as I call it
(10:49):
sometimes, an attachment bond.
It's when your familiarity fromyour childhood, which is your
attachment, connects and that'san attachment bond.
A trauma bond, on the other hand, is when you're stuck in a loop
of emotional abuse andreinforcement.
Honestly, it's exactly likeStockholm Syndrome if you know
what Stockholm Syndrome is andthis is where you start to
confuse survival with love.
(11:09):
Like I have to win him over, Ihave to earn his love in order
to be loved, and when I do, thenI feel better about myself, and
this is how we can get suckedinto trauma bonds.
So if you're asking yourself isthis a trauma bond?
Here are some things for you tolook for.
Do you feel addicted to him for?
Do you feel addicted to himeven though you're being harmed?
Is he throwing stuff at you?
(11:31):
Is he keeping you from yourfriends and your family?
Like, let's get really realhere, real quick, girl, okay.
Has he hurt you?
Has he abused you?
Has he hit you and thenapologized?
And then you feel addicted tothis and you feel like you need
to go back.
Then, yes, there might be atrauma bond there and it's okay
if that's happening.
(11:51):
I want to hold space for that.
There's nothing wrong.
There's no shame around that.
That's why we have an entirepsychology concept called
Stockholm Syndrome around thiskind of stuff and that gets
looked at as like big, massiveabuse.
And that's why when a traumabond, it's more subtle.
So I just want to say you'renot alone in that.
If that is happening to you,reach out to me.
(12:12):
I will help you.
But let's look at some morequestions.
Do you rationalize theirbehavior?
Or worse, do you blame yourselffor it?
He wouldn't have hit me if Ihad made him dinner on time.
He wouldn't have yelled at meif I just had been better.
That's rationalizing hisbehavior and we want to check on
(12:34):
that because that can beindicative of a trauma bond.
And last one I want you to lookat is do you feel like you can't
leave?
Are you terrified of beingwithout them, even though the
relationship feels unsafe?
Do you feel unsafe with thisperson and yet you cannot leave
this relationship?
Then there is a high chancethat there is a trauma bond
going on there.
And these trauma bonds, theyare no joke.
(12:56):
There's not something to bedismissed or questioned or be
like why can't you just leave?
That's always a question andthat does a disservice to the
people in these relationships.
It is not that easy, it isdifficult, and if you're going
through that, let me know.
We can work through this or wecan find you the help you need
for it.
Okay, so if you answered yes toany of those questions, it is
(13:17):
time to look a bit deeper and Ijust want you to know.
If you are in a trauma bond, itis not your fault.
Your nervous system is doingeverything it can to keep you
safe.
It is just looking for thefamiliar, and healing means
getting honest about the harmand slowly building the safety
to walk away.
And now let's jump into the nextquestion real quick, because I
wanted to touch on this one howdo I change my emotional or
(13:39):
physical attraction to someonewho is unhealthy for me?
Now see, I think this one worksreally well with the previous
question, even though twodifferent people asked this
question, which is really great.
Think this one works reallywell with the previous question,
even though two differentpeople asked this question,
which is really great.
But this one works really wellwith the previous question
because, let's say, you are in atrauma bond.
Then how do you get out of it?
First, you need to work on yournon-secure attachment stance.
Are you anxious, avoidant,disorganized?
(14:01):
What's keeping you stuck inthis mix of fears?
You have the fear of beingunworthy.
Keeping you stuck in this mixof fears?
You have the fear of beingunworthy, the fear of being
alone, the fear of rejection.
I want you to find the fearthat hits deepest for you and
then follow that fear all theway out.
What's keeping you sucked in?
Are you afraid to be alone?
Are you afraid you're nothingwithout him?
(14:21):
Are you attracted to himbecause he loves you so deeply
when you're together, but whenyou're apart he doesn't give you
the time of day?
And if that's the case, thenwhat's preventing you from just
saying no, I don't want thisanymore.
And we need to ask ourselvesthose hard questions.
Not how do I stop beingattracted to him, but why am I
not leaving him if I know he'sunhealthy for me?
That's the question.
(14:41):
We want the attraction to goaway, so the leaving part is
easier.
I get it, but unfortunatelythat attraction, it will linger.
And I just want to be veryhonest here.
Like I'm still attracted to myex, and this has been what five
years later?
But it's a constant reminderthat I know he's not good for me
and I know I deserve better andI know I can do better now.
(15:05):
So that attraction, it won'tjust go away all on its own.
It still gets stuck in there.
It's just our body used to thefamiliar.
But what you can do is riseabove that attraction.
You can see that he's unhealthyfor you and you can let go.
And once you get to that levelof acceptance where you accept
that you will always be somewhatattracted to him, then you can
(15:26):
start to find what is holdingyou back from leaving.
And that's the part I wanna diginto.
And if you're out there rightnow and any of these questions
are resonating with you but youwanna dig deeper into them, then
I invite you to come on thepodcast and get some free,
personalized, one-on-onecoaching with me.
I am a certified relationshipcoach with the ICF.
I have my training andattachment communication inquiry
(15:49):
, ifs, somatics, nlp.
So it would be an honor for meto help you through your
struggle.
Maybe you're listening to metalk about how hard it is to
leave an unhealthy relationship,but your brain is thinking yeah
, jen, sure, but how?
That's when it's best to jumpon a call with me and explain to
me your unique situation,because there's only so much I
(16:10):
can answer honestly in thesekinds of questions.
But to truly get to the deeperhealing we need to dig deeper.
We need to ask questions, weneed to figure out your unique
attachment stance to see whatwould help you.
So if that sounds likesomething you need right now, I
want you to scroll down to theshow notes and click on the link
to apply to be on the podcast,or you can go to speak-honestcom
(16:31):
slash podcast and find out moreinformation there.
All right, everyone, I hope youhave a beautiful week this week.
Happy 4th of July to anyonethat is celebrating.
I will speak with you all nextweek.
Take care, as we wrap uptoday's conversation, always
remember that healing is ajourney, not a destination, and
(16:51):
it is an honor to be a part ofyour healing journey.
If you want to dig deeper intothe topics we covered today, be
sure to head over to our shownotes, where you can find all of
the valuable informationmentioned in today's episode
right there, and please rememberto rate, review and subscribe
if you enjoyed today's podcast.
Your feedback means the worldto us and helps others discover
(17:13):
our podcast.
Until next time, remember tospeak up and speak honest.
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