Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
Hello and welcome to
Speak Honest.
I am your host and certifiedrelationship coach, jennifer
Noble.
It has been my passion for overa decade to help women like you
heal what's been holding youback from having the
relationships you deserve.
Are you struggling with arelationship where you can't
seem to voice your emotions,needs and boundaries without
(00:26):
having it blow up in your face?
Then you have found the rightpodcast, my friend.
Get ready for practical tips,empowering truths and honest
conversations.
Now let's dive in.
Hello, ladies, welcome back toanother episode of Speak Honest.
I am Jen Noble, your go-torelationship coach, and on
today's episode, we are divinginto some of the big questions
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that so many of us have askedourselves at one point or
another.
Questions like am I settling?
Is there really such a thing asmeant to be?
Can two people make it work, nomatter what?
What does a secure relationshipactually look like?
See these questions.
They came straight from mylisteners and I'm so excited to
break them down in a way that ishonest, compassionate and super
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practical.
Whether you're single andfeeling stuck, or you're in a
relationship and you'rewondering is this enough, this
episode will give you someclarity and hopefully even a
little relief.
And if you're craving a spacewhere you can be real about this
stuff with other women who getit, then I want you to come and
join our free Facebook community.
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It's called Speak Honest SecureAttachment and Confident
Communication for Women and it'sfull of heart-led conversations
, intense, amazing supportconversations, intense, amazing
support and weekly sessions tohelp you feel less alone and
more empowered in yourrelationships, and you don't
have to figure this out all byyourself.
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I want you to know that.
I want you to come and hang outwith us.
We'd love to have you.
Just search Speak Honest onFacebook or click the link in
the show notes.
All right now, let's get onwith the episode.
Or click the link in the shownotes.
All right now, let's get on withthe episode, all right.
So today we have a lot ofquestions to get through, so I'm
going to try to knock as manyout as I possibly can, but I had
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some great questions come inand I wanted to put them all in
this episode so you can reallyunderstand what it is to have a
secure relationship.
What does a secure attachmentactually look like?
What does it mean to be in thatrelationship, all of that?
So let's start with questionnumber one.
My listener asked Jen can anytwo people make it work, or is
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there a meant to be person foreveryone?
All right, big question.
Love this one, though, buthere's the honest truth Not
every two people can make itwork, this is true, but I do
believe that chemistry is notenough.
Even love isn't enough all thetime.
See, what makes a relationshipwork is emotional safety, shared
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values and a willingness togrow together.
And, that said, I don't reallybelieve there's just one
meant-to-be person out there.
I don't believe in soulmates ortwin flames or any of that
stuff.
There are likely many peoplethat you could build something
beautiful with, but only if bothof you are willing to do the
work, and that's the core partof this.
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See, the fantasy of the one.
It can actually keep us stuck,either chasing someone
unavailable or staying insomething painful because we've
decided well, they're it.
This is what I have to have.
So I want you to ask yourselfsomething different To me.
The better question here isn't,you know, are we meant to be as
he, my soulmate?
But can this version of you andthis version of him meet in the
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middle and grow together?
That's the question to beasking ourselves.
If not, it's okay to let go ofthe fantasy and choose something
real.
That's what this is all about.
All right, if you have any morequestions about that, let me
know in the Facebook group.
I will answer more.
But let's jump into questionnumber two.
What does a secure relationshipeven look like?
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Jen, now, I get this question alot.
It's like great, I'm coming in,I'm trying to heal my
attachment style, everything'sgoing on.
What does it mean to be secure?
See, a secure relationship doesnot mean zero conflict.
Okay, I'm going to say thatagain.
Come back to me and listen tothat.
A secure relationship does notmean zero conflict.
It does not mean that you'realways happy and you're always
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joyful and everything goes wellall the time.
Listen, it means you repairwhen there's a rupture.
That part is so important.
It means you don't walk oneggshells.
You can express yourself, yourneeds, your wants, your
boundaries, your desires withoutfear.
You feel emotionally safe inthe relationship.
You feel respected, you feelseen, you feel secure.
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There's consistency, notconfusion.
The nervous system is a greatcompass here.
It truly is.
You want to listen to that.
Secure love often feels boringat first, especially if you're
used to chaos.
It might even feel awkward oroff or like you're not that into
them.
But that's just because yoursystem is learning what a calm
connection actually feels like.
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So I want you to look out forthese things.
If you think you're in a securerelationship or you're trying
to get there, let's look forthis.
You're not second guessing yourworth every day.
Oof, that would hurt me.
I used to do that all the time.
I used to do that all the time.
I used to think there wassomething wrong with me.
I used to think I was theproblem in the relationship.
I used to think I was thereason it messed up.
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But now, a secure relationship,the one I'm in now I'm not
second guessing myself every day.
I'm not second guessing myworth.
I know I'm inherently worthy.
Another thing to look out for iscan you be honest about how you
feel?
So in?
And if you feel like no, jen,every time I'm honest with him,
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you know he blows up or he getsdefensive or he runs away Okay,
Well then you're not in a securerelationship yet and we'll get
you there.
Here's another question there'sspace for your emotions.
Not only can you be honest withhow you feel, but after you
share them, is there space forthem.
Can you be sad if he upset you?
Can you be frustrated if hedidn't do the dishes?
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There needs to be space foryour emotions in the
relationship.
And lastly, do you feelaccepted, not judged or managed,
in the relationship.
So I want you to ask yourselfthese four questions when you're
looking to see if you are in asecure relationship or not.
Now, if you are just newlydating someone and you're
constantly second guessing yourworth, if you can't be honest
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about how you feel, if there'sno space for your emotions and
you don't feel accepted, thenyes, my personal and
professional opinion is let's gofind you someone else.
If you're in a deeprelationship with someone, if
it's been years or decades orthis is someone you are
committed to, then come and workwith me and let's get you to a
place where the two of you canstart communicating and
connecting again.
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To get you to a place whereyou're not second-guessing your
worth, because you are so securethat you don't need to be
second-guessing your worth, thatyou know you can be honest with
how you feel because youdeserve your feelings and the
space for your emotions.
That's the place we would getyou into, all right, so this is
what safety feels like and thisis what secure love is built on.
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I hope that makes sense.
Again, if you have anyquestions, follow up questions
about that, jump in the Facebookgroup.
Let's talk.
But now let's move on toquestion number three.
This is a great one.
This was from one of my clientsand she wants to know how do I
know, jen, if I'm settling Oofthe settling spiral?
It is real, it is happening.
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It is a question I get all thetime.
It is a question I asked myselfall the time when I first
started dating my husband.
So, first off, settling does notmean that your partner has
flaws.
Right, every relationship comeswith work and every partner is
going to have flaws.
They are not perfect.
If we are expecting ourpartners to be perfect, then we
are pushing our perfectionismonto them.
So, just the same way webelieve we need to be perfect,
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we think they need to be perfect.
That's just not the case.
So settling does not mean beingwith somebody with flaws like,
oh no, he has flaws.
So now I'm settling.
Settling happens when youconsistently ignore your core
values.
What are your core values?
Trust, honesty, respect, etcetera.
Maybe your spirituality, yourreligion, your politics?
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It doesn't matter.
What are your core values.
And if you are consistentlyignoring these values, then that
is a high chance that you mightbe settling just to keep the
relationship Like oh, I don'treally want anyone that smokes,
but he smokes, but that's okay,I'll get over it, that's
settling.
And so I want you to askyourself if nothing changed, if
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you fully and completely accepthim for who he is right now, in
this moment, and nothing changeswhatsoever, would you feel
fulfilled five years from now?
That is the question I want youto ask yourself.
That is how you can start totell if you are settling or not.
Also, I want you to check yourwhy.
Why are you staying?
Are you staying because youlove him, because you want to
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make this work, because you knowthat this can work out?
Or are you staying out of fear,fear of being alone, fear of
starting over?
I hear this all the time.
Jen, I can't start over.
At my age, I don't have anytime left.
That's settling, because that'sa fear.
And maybe this is the fear thatthis is the best you're going
to get.
Settling usually comes withresentment.
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It's this quiet ache thatbuilds over time and if you
notice it, I just want you tojust notice it, not shame
yourself.
Just notice this feeling.
I want you to get curious aboutit.
Your nervous system might betrying to keep you safe, but
your soul might be asking forsomething more, and that's okay,
all right.
(09:43):
So let's jump into questionnumber four now.
How, jen, do I become morecontent as a single person?
Oh, great question.
Great question.
I have been there myselfespecially.
Listen, this is so hard ifyou've been doing the work and
you still haven't found yourperson.
Becoming content as a singlewoman doesn't mean you stop
wanting connection, just to beclear.
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Contentment doesn't mean likerolling over and just giving in.
It means you start nurturingthe relationship you have with
yourself and with the otherpeople in your life,
understanding that a romanticrelation does not make or break
you.
That's the difference.
So I want you to ask yourselfthis what do I want in a partner
, and how can I give that tomyself right now?
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So I want you to kind of writeall this stuff down.
This is, if you want to followalong, if you want to have some
homework this week, I want youto write down what do you want
in a partner, and then we'regoing to break this down so you
can start to see how can yougive yourself this in pieces
right now.
Do you want to feel chosen?
How can you choose yourselfevery day?
Do you want to feel desired?
Then how can you be desired inyourself?
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Wear what makes you feel good,maybe get that matching bra and
panty set right Like get thecute earrings.
Move your body with love.
Join some sort of program orexercise routine that makes you
feel desired.
Maybe it's Zumba, maybe it'sZumba, maybe it's pole dancing,
maybe it's yoga.
Take yourself out, dote onyourself, treat yourself right,
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make yourself feel desired.
Maybe you want deep connection,deep conversation.
So go out and find people thatare going to meet you there.
Remember, one person is in oureverything, and the more rooted
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we become in our own enoughness,the less we are going to chase
someone to fill the gaps.
And here's the thing Securelove is more likely to find you
when you're not hustling to earnit.
Okay, I want you to rememberthat Secure love is more likely
to find you when you are nothustling to earn it.
That part is so important.
All right, now, I know that wasa lot, but these are the kind
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of questions that get us closerto the truth and to our secure
attachment.
So, whether you are untanglingwhat's real, or maybe you're
learning to stop settling, oryou're figuring out what secure
love actually looks like for you, the fact that you're even
asking these questions meansthat you are on your path to
healing, and I'm so proud of you.
All right, my lovelies, I hopethat this gave you a little
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clarity and maybe, hopefully, alittle comfort too.
These are the questions thatswirl in our heads late at night
when we're second guessingeverything that's going on and
we're ruminating, and I justwant you to know that you are
not the only one asking them.
So, whether you're healing froma situationship, maybe you're
figuring out if your partner'sthe right fit, or you're
learning how to love being youand just you, you're doing the
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work and that's what matters.
And if you want a space whereyou can feel like you can unpack
this stuff or, late at night,you can jump into a community
and you can ask these questionsas quickly as you can with other
women who get it, who get you,then I want you to come and join
us in our free Facebookcommunity.
Just go ahead and search, speakHonest on Facebook, or you can
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scroll on down to the show notesand find the link.
It is full of real talk, tonsof support and a community that
reminds you that you're not toomuch, that you've just been in
spaces that couldn't hold youand we want to hold you.
So you can search Speak Honeston Facebook, click on the link
in the show notes.
We would love to have you and,with all of that said, I hope
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you all have a beautiful week.
I will speak with you all nextweek.
Take care, as we wrap uptoday's conversation, always
remember that healing is ajourney, not a destination, and
it is an honor to be a part ofyour healing journey.
If you want to dig deeper intothe topics we covered today, be
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sure to head over to our shownotes, where you can find all of
the valuable informationmentioned in today's episode
right there.
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Until next time, remember tospeak up and speak honest.