From Reactive to Proactive: The Boundary-Setting Revolution

Why do boundaries always seem to come after the meltdown?
In this episode, we’re diving into what it really means to set boundaries before you're running on empty. We’ll explore the difference between reactive and proactive boundary-setting, how to recognize the early signs that you’re stretched too thin, and how to speak up without over-explaining or shutting people out. If you've ever felt like you're either saying yes to keep the peace or saying no in a panic, this episode is going to change the way you think about boundaries for good.

You might want to listen if:

• You say yes when you really mean no
• You shut down or lash out when you’re overwhelmed
• You feel like boundaries always create conflict
• You’re exhausted from managing everyone else’s emotions
• You want to speak your needs without guilt or fear

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DISCLAIMER: Speak Honest podcast content is informational, not professional or medical advice. Jenn is an ICF relationship coach, not a licensed therapist. Consult health ...

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:05):
Hello and welcome to Speak Honest.
I am your host and certifiedrelationship coach, jennifer
Noble.
It has been my passion for overa decade to help women like you
heal what's been holding youback from having the
relationships you deserve.
Are you struggling with arelationship where you can't
seem to voice your emotions,needs and boundaries without

(00:26):
having it blow up in your face?
Then you have found the rightpodcast, my friend.
Get ready for practical tips,empowering truths and honest
conversations.
Now let's dive in.
Hello everyone and welcome backto another episode of Speak
Honest.
I am Jen Noble, your go-torelationship coach, and on
today's episode we are divinginto one of the most

(00:48):
misunderstood parts of boundarysetting the difference between
reactive boundaries andproactive boundaries.
Now, before we get started, Ijust want to remind you.
If you are someone that hasbeen struggling with boundaries,
then I highly invite you tocome and join our free Facebook
community.
This is a great place to getstarted, honestly.
It's a great place to practiceboundaries, to figure out what

(01:09):
it is that you need, what youwant, how to communicate that.
But the best part is we arejust a community of like-minded
women, all of us trying to healour attachment styles, trying to
have the relationships that wedeserve, and I would love to see
you there.
I am the facilitator of thegroup, I am the relationship
coach that is there, but thegroup is all yours.
It is for the women who arelooking for the support.

(01:31):
So I want you to scroll on downto the show notes and click on
the link to join the freeFacebook community.
Or, if you are on Facebook, youcan just go to the search
engine right there.
Type in speak honest.
It'll pop up.
It'll say secure communicationfor women.
It'll have two little orangehearts and we would love to see
you there.
But now, as you are listeningto this episode, I just want you

(01:52):
to think about do you thinkthat you are good at boundaries?
But maybe you might actually beschooled as to why you are not
actually good at boundariesduring this episode?
I want you to keep an open mindas you are listening to today's
episode episode.
I want you to keep an open mindas you are listening to today's
episode.
Okay, so what is the differencebetween a reactive and a

(02:13):
proactive boundary?
What does that even mean?
Well, you know those momentswhere you snap, or maybe you
shut down or you walk away andyou slam a door because it just
all feels like too much.
Maybe to you you're like yeah,jen, I do that and it's a good
boundary.
That's how I say no, but thatis a reactive boundary and while
it's totally human andsometimes necessary, it's also

(02:33):
usually a last resort.
So what if we could setboundaries before we reach that
boiling point?
What if we communicate what weneed up front, without the guilt
or the shame and without all ofthe second guessing?
Doesn't that sound nice?
Well, that's what I want toexplore in today's episode what

(02:53):
reactive boundaries sound likeand why they show up, how
proactive boundaries help usfeel more empowered and less
exhaustive, and how to actuallyshift from one to the other.
So, whether you tend to avoidconflict until you blow up or
you're constantly overexplaining to keep the peace,
this episode is going to helpyou find a more secure and

(03:15):
sustainable way to protect yourenergy without losing your
empathy.
All right.
So let's start with reactiveboundaries.
These are the boundaries we setwhen we've already had enough.
They show up when we feeloverwhelmed, shut down or pushed
past our limits and instead ofcalmly communicating a need, we

(03:37):
snap, we cancel plans lastminute with no explanation, we
blow up during a fight, we stormout of the room or go quiet for
three days straight.
It's like our nervous system isscreaming no more, but the
words we actually needed to saynever got spoken.
And here's the thing Reactiveboundaries they aren't bad.
Sometimes they're the onlyboundaries we feel safe enough

(04:00):
to set, especially if you grewup walking on eggshells or
believing that asking for whatyou needed was selfish or
dramatic.
But when reactive boundariesare your only boundaries, you
end up living in a cycle ofresentment, rupture and repair
on repeat.
So now let's talk about what theopposite is.

(04:20):
A proactive boundary these arethe boundaries we set before
things hit the fan.
They're not based on panic.
They're based on clarity.
They sound like hey, I'm notavailable for phone calls after
eight, or I want to support you,but I need 10 minutes to
regulate first, or maybesomething like I love spending

(04:41):
time together, but I also needsome solo time to recharge.
They're calm, they're kind andthey actually prevent drama from
escalating.
And the biggest shift is thatproactive boundaries come from
knowing your worth grounded inyourself, from trusting that
your needs are valid, even whenno one's mad at you, even when

(05:05):
things have gone wrong.
It's choosing to speak up early, not because you're trying to
control anyone, but becauseyou're committed to staying
connected to yourself.
So I want to tell you a storyabout my life lately and I've
been finding having to kind oflevel up in my boundaries, so to
speak, and learning how to setthose proactive boundaries
before I even realize theyneeded to be set.

(05:28):
So I have started some newadventure in my life and I
realize they ask a lot of me andat first I thought, well, this
is a lot, I can't be a part ofthis, I need to just quit.
And to me that quitting wouldhave been the big reactive
boundary.
But I stopped and I thought tomyself do I want to quit what
I'm doing?
Do I want to quit thisadventure?
There's actually so much to itthat I love, but what can I

(05:51):
actually be doing in order tostay?
And I started looking.
I realized, oh, I need to justsay no more often.
That's the hard part.
Every time they ask me hey, canyou make this for us?
Can you do this?
It's like being a part of thePTO.
You know, at your kid's schoolthey will ask you until you are
dry, like I want to be a part ofthe PTO, but at the same time,

(06:17):
it's actually really daunting tosay no every other second.
Hey, can you make us someshirts, hey, can you donate some
money, hey, can you come and bea part of this event, and it's
just no, no, no, no.
And that drains on me.
So I started asking myself why?
Why is that draining me?
Is it that I'm still strugglingto set boundaries?
And that's why I wanted tobring up this conversation,
because both in my life and inchatting with a client recently,

(06:38):
we both were kind of realizinglike, oh okay, this need to set
boundaries comes from a big,reactive place, so I have to
wait until I feel like it'svalid or deserved to set this
big blow up boundary, and thenI'm good at setting boundaries,
and then I'm good at settingboundaries, but instead I'm

(07:00):
going to start setting small,intentional boundaries in order
to actually be able to stay andnot leave, not quit, not set
that big, big boundary.
Instead, stay and be a part ofit.
I like to think of boundaries asbridges, not walls.
They are the ability for us tocontrol who's coming in and out
of our lives, but not actuallykeep them out forever, and

(07:24):
that's why I want us to startlearning this.
So how do you actually startsetting boundaries before you
blow up?
How do you set those proactiveboundaries?
And this is what I teach myclients.
But it starts with gettinghonest with yourself.
You got to be honest aboutwhat's really happening
underneath the overwhelm, so,like for myself, what was going
on?
Well, I was afraid if I keptsaying no, they were going to

(07:46):
think I'm difficult, and anyonethat knows my story knows that
two of my biggest wounds arethat I'm annoying and difficult.
So here I am, so afraid thatevery time I say no, no, no, no,
no, they're going to hate me,think I'm difficult, think I'm
annoying.
And I thought to myself wait,what does it matter?
This is what it's about, right,this is where the work is, is
where I have to work on thosedeep attachment wounds

(08:07):
underneath this, because most ofthe time, a reactive boundary
isn't just about the moment.
It's about the buildup to thatmoment, the exhaustion, the tiny
resentments, the hundred littlethings that you let slide
because you didn't want to seemlike a burden, or you were
annoying, or you were too needy,or you were high maintenance.
That's the important part.
So let's go with step one here.

(08:29):
Notice the moment.
Your body says no, all right.
I want you to notice it, noticethe feeling, notice your
somatics, notice the sensationin your stomach, maybe in your
chest, and before you say yesout loud, your body, it already
knows the truth.
So when you feel that tightnessin your chest, that is your

(08:49):
little voice whispering.
I don't know, don't want to dothis, and I want you to listen
to that.
That's your first opportunityto set a boundary proactively.
Next step two I want you to giveyourself permission to pause.
You don't have to respond inreal time.
I'm dead serious about this.

(09:09):
You're allowed to say let methink about that and get back to
you.
Hey, can I check my calendarand let you know?
Well, you know what.
I need a minute to process this.
Or, in my situation, let thetext go unread for a day.
If they text you at 8 pm,setting a boundary is not
responding until the nextmorning.
That's a beautiful proactiveboundary.

(09:29):
But if you give your time andyour energy and all of your
bandwidth to people, you'regoing to build that resentment.
This is how you stop yourselffrom spiraling into a reactive
boundary later.
You create that space now.
And then step three I want youto say what you need without
like a three-page essay orover-explaining or justifying

(09:50):
any of that.
So many of us over-explain ourboundaries because we're
secretly, covertly trying toconvince people that we're still
good and kind and worthy.
Please, please, don't think badabout me.
I am not difficult and annoying, I swear.
But that is actually going toblow up in our face eventually,
so we don't need to prove ourworth through an entire

(10:12):
PowerPoint presentation.
A clear, direct boundary iswhat we need, and it could just
sound something like this hey, Icare about you, but I'm not
available for that right now.
Or maybe it's hey, I reallywant to be a part of this, but I
just can't say yes to thatrequest.
Maybe with your partner, it's Ilove you and I need the night
to myself.
Short, kind, clear and done.

(10:36):
In my situation, when they werereaching out and asking for
something, I set a boundary andI said no, I'm sorry, I can't do
that.
And then they came back withkind of a caveat to the boundary
, so to speak, like oh, yeah, noproblem, but we still need you
to do this.
And when I saw that, I was likeoh, there goes my body again.
It's building up the resentment.
I just want to quit, I don'twant to be a part of this.
And I realized, oh, I just needto set another boundary.

(10:58):
And I said, oh, I'm actuallyunavailable for that, but I
trust that you guys will takecare of it.
See, this is how we setboundaries with people so we can
stay, so I can still be a partof this event and this
organization or the PTO or youknow whatever group it is you're
a part of, because group workis hard work, trust me.
But when it comes to being ableto say what you need without

(11:19):
over explaining yourself,there's power in that.
And lastly, I want you toexpect discomfort.
All right, like just right now.
Let's just own the fact thatthis is going to be uncomfy.
I don't want you to take it asa sign that you did anything
wrong.

(11:42):
Sometimes, when you set thoseproactive boundaries, your body,
it just starts to freak out.
There's a reason why we haven'tbeen setting proactive
boundaries this entire time andwe wait for the reactive one,
because we almost feel justifiedand valid after we set that big
, massive one.
These proactive boundaries aregoing to be a lot harder than
you think.
When I set my boundary, I feltguilty.
You boundary, I felt guilty.
You know, I felt shame.
I felt like why can't I handleeverything?
Why can't I say yes, I'mletting them down?
You might worry that they'reupset.

(12:05):
You might replay theconversation 17 times in your
head.
That doesn't mean you didanything wrong.
It just means that your nervoussystem is adjusting to a new
pattern, one where you get tospeak up before you shut.
It just means that your nervoussystem is adjusting to a new
pattern, one where you get tospeak up before you shut down.
All right, everyone, I hope youenjoyed this week's episode

(12:26):
about boundaries.
Let me know, in the commentsection on the Facebook post
about this episode, what youthink about reactive versus
proactive boundaries.
Do you struggle to setproactive boundaries?
Is this episode making you seeoh wow, here it was.
I thought I was doing so greatat boundaries, but actually
here's where I can be working onthat.

(12:47):
If that sounds like you, thencome jump into the Facebook
group and come keep theconversation going in there.
Again.
You can scroll on down to theshow notes, join us there, or go
into Facebook and type in SpeakHonest.
We are a free Facebookcommunity, you know?
Great little group of women,gosh, I love all of you guys so
much.
Honestly.
I just I love that group.
We're in there, we're crackingjokes, we're healing, we're

(13:08):
having a good time.
You guys are asking me questions.
Your questions are amazing.
Honestly, your questions justgive me life and I just see the
support all of you have in there.
So come and join us over there,keep the conversation going and
let me know what is it that youthink is holding you back from
being able to set thoseproactive boundaries?
I want you to think about thatthis week.

(13:29):
All right, everyone, I willspeak with you next week.
Take care, as we wrap uptoday's conversation, always
remember that healing is ajourney, not a destination, and
it is an honor to be a part ofyour healing journey.
If you want to dig deeper intothe topics we covered today, be

(13:50):
sure to head over to our shownotes, where you can find all of
the valuable informationmentioned in today's episode
right there, and please rememberto rate, review and subscribe
if you enjoyed today's podcast.
Your feedback means the worldto us and helps others discover
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Until next time, remember tospeak up and speak honest.