November 19, 2025 • 18 mins
Ever walk into a holiday gathering already bracing for impact?
You know that moment when your stomach tightens, your jaw clenches, and you can feel yourself spiraling before the turkey’s even carved? In this episode, I’m walking you through my 5 step RAISE Method, the same one I teach in my Dance of Attachment book, to help you regulate your nervous system before you react. Think of it as your pre-holiday emotional tune up. I’ll show you how to catch yourself before the meltdown, soothe your body when family dynamics get messy, and stay grounded in who you are, no matter what Aunt Sally says.
You might want to listen if:
• Family gatherings leave you feeling drained, anxious, or on edge
• You tend to shut down, over explain, or spiral when triggered
• You want to understand your body’s warning signs before you blow up
• You’re craving a real, doable way to stay calm and connected during conflict
• You’re ready to learn how to regulate without pretending to be “fine”
FIND OUT MORE!
- Grab Your Copy of the #1 Best Selling Book --> Dance of Attachment
- Apply for FREE Podcast Coaching with Jenn
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- Become a Speak Honest Member and access all you need to become secure.
- Schedule your Free 30 min Attachment Assessment with Jenn Today!
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DISCLAIMER: Speak Honest podcast content is informational, not professional or medical advice. Jenn is an ICF relationship coach, not a licensed therapist. Consult health professionals for specific concerns. Client opinions do not reflect Speak Honest’s stance. We aim for accuracy but are not liable for errors or outcomes from ...
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:05):
Hello, and welcome to Speak Honest.
I am your host and certifiedrelationship coach, Jennifer
Noble.
It has been my passion for overa decade to help women like you
heal.
What's been holding you backfrom having the relationships
you deserve?
Are you struggling with arelationship where you can't
seem to voice your emotions,needs, and boundaries without
(00:26):
having it blow up in your face?
Then you have found the rightpodcast, my friend.
Get ready for practical tips,empowering truths, and honest
conversations.
Now, let's dive in.
Hello and welcome back toanother episode of Speak Honest.
I'm Jen Noble, your go-torelationship coach.
And on today's episode, we aregonna be talking about holiday
(00:48):
regulation and communication.
Because holidays are rightaround the corner, and so I
thought let's kick off atwo-part series on how we can
actually stay regulated in thosetough conversations.
So before we get started, I justwant to remind all of you that
my brand new best-selling book,Dance of Attachment, is
currently out on Amazon andBarnes Noble.
You can pretty much get itwherever you can get books.
And I am so, so excited aboutthis book.
(01:10):
In fact, what we're gonna talkabout today, which is my Ray's
method to help you regulate yourbody, is actually in that book.
So go ahead and go check it out.
You can go todanceofattachment.com or you can
just click on the link in theshow notes to grab it.
So now, as we aren't getting onwith the episode, I want you to
be thinking about this.
When was the last time youwalked in to your Thanksgiving
(01:31):
dinner and you just could nothandle the conversation
happening around the table?
I know what that is like for youto just feel like, oh my gosh,
why can't Aunt Sally just shuther damn mouth already?
But the thing is, is the bestthing that we have is ourselves,
right?
We can't control other people.
(01:52):
We can only control ourselves.
So I want you to be thinkingabout that as we go on with
today's episode.
I want you to think of thisepisode like your pre-holiday
emotional tune-up.
What we're gonna talk abouttoday is we're gonna talk about
how regulation actually worksand why your body doesn't care
(02:12):
that you've read 10 self-helpbooks before you showed up to
your family dinner.
Then we're gonna recognize thesigns that you're activated,
right?
That moment where your bodysays, oh shit, we've been here
before.
And then I'm gonna walk youthrough my raise method.
This is my five-step method tohelp you calm your nervous
system, process your emotions,and respond with intention
(02:32):
instead of reactivity.
And by the end, you'll have aplan, one you can literally use
at the Thanksgiving table ifthings start heating up.
So let's start with what I meanwhen I say regulate.
Regulation isn't aboutpretending to be calm or shoving
down your feelings, it's aboutlearning to ride the wave of
activation so you can come backto center.
(02:53):
See, in attachment language,when we feel triggered, like
someone's criticizing us, ormaybe they're ignoring us at the
table, or you know, maybe UncleBob is really making us feel
unseen because every time wespeak up, he talks over us.
Our nervous system activatesthese old attachment wounds.
That's when we go into ourfamiliar stances.
The anxious one starts tooverexplain or seek reassurance.
(03:17):
You know, she starts being like,oh no, no, what I really meant
was this, and she can't stopuntil she gets heard.
But also, if you're avoidant,you kind of shut down, right?
So the avoidant one is gonnashut down or get really icy or
kind of start stonewalling,maybe cross their arms a little
bit, get really angry.
And the disorganized one, well,we're gonna flip-flop between
the both, right?
We're gonna be like, well, Iwant to be heard, and then
(03:39):
you're not heard, so you shutdown or you walk away, or worse,
you get volatile.
Maybe you flip your plate.
Maybe you slam the door on yourway out.
These are all the ways that ourattachment wounds affect our
emotions.
And none of this means thatyou're broken, of course.
It just means that your body istrying to protect you.
See, regulation is how we tellour bodies, hey, we've got this.
(04:02):
We're safe now.
Because until your body feelssafe, your brain can't properly
have a productive conversation.
So it's not your fault that thisis happening.
You literally cannot problemsolve when you're dysregulated.
That's not how this works.
See, your prefrontal cortex,which is that part of your brain
that is all about reason andempathizing and making plans, it
(04:25):
just completely goes offline.
And there's nothing you can doabout this.
This is just biology.
So the work isn't to be perfect,it's just to get online faster.
And how do we get online?
Well, here's what I want you tostart paying attention to your
tells, your patterns.
We all have them.
Maybe for you, your stomachtightens.
(04:46):
You know, Aunt Sally starts tosay something, and you already
feel your stomach tightening,and you're like, oh, here we go
again.
Here she's got to start upagain.
Maybe your jaw is clenching,maybe your heart rate spikes.
Maybe your voice gets louder.
Sometimes mine gets squeakier.
That's my tell.
You can tell when I'm startingto get a little bit anxious, it
starts going like this.
Maybe you shut down.
(05:07):
Maybe you dissociate.
Maybe things start to go blurryaround you.
Maybe your hands start to shake.
Maybe you feel yourself smiling,but inside you're thinking, I'm
gonna fucking lose it.
See, these are your nervoussystem's early warning signs.
And if you can catch them early,you actually have a chance to
pause before you spiral.
(05:29):
So think of it like catching apot before it boils over.
The earlier you notice thesteam, the easier it is to turn
down the heat.
Now that we've talked throughwhat regulation actually is and
how to notice if you're gettingdysregulated, how to notice when
you're activated, let's walkthrough what to do when you are
dysregulated.
Let's walk through my five-stepraise method.
(05:52):
Now, RAISE stands for R-A-I-S-E.
It's simple, it's body-based,and it's something you could do
anywhere, even at a noisy familygathering.
So let's start with R.
We want to remove ourselves fromthe situation because we cannot
regulate if we are stilldysregulated, right?
(06:12):
Remember, we talked about this.
Our prefrontal cortex shut down,our amygdala takes over.
That's the part of our lizardbrain that says, I'm gonna take
care of all of this, and there'snothing you can do about it.
So we have to remove ourselves.
And removing ourselves justlooks like going to the
bathroom.
It's one of my favorite ways toremove myself in any situation.
I just say, Oh, I gotta pee realquick.
And so then you go to thebathroom and you can do the rest
(06:34):
of these methods.
Sometimes, let's say you'restuck in a car, you're not able
to actually remove yourself.
Maybe you can ask, hey, I reallyhave to go to the bathroom, can
we pull over?
Before you say something you'regonna regret to your husband
because you guys are fighting onthe way over to your parents'
house, right?
We don't want to do that.
But also you can remove yourselfby just kind of asking them,
hey, can I have a minute?
If you feel safe in yourrelationship to do this, this is
(06:56):
a beautiful way to get yourselfheard where you can just say,
Hey, I'm feeling myselfoverwhelmed.
I just need to take a momentfrom this conversation and then
I'll have it.
That's another way to removeyourself.
So any of these, maybe you couldjust go outside for a walk.
Maybe you're like, you knowwhat?
Oh no, we forgot the corn.
I gotta go run to the store.
You going to the store is notavoiding the situation.
(07:17):
You're not being avoided in thatmoment.
You are simply removing yourselffrom the trigger.
See how this works?
This is okay to do.
We have to remove ourselves fromthe trigger in order for our
bodies to regulate, for them tocalm down in order to have this
conversation later on.
So that's our remove.
(07:37):
Then once you've removedyourself, let's say you went to
the bathroom.
We're just gonna talk about thisin terms of going to the
bathroom.
It's my favorite place to go toregulate myself.
A, anchor.
We're going to anchor into yourbody.
But once you've stepped away,you want to anchor yourself back
into your body.
So what does this look like?
Well, when we're triggered, wetend to live in our heads.
(08:00):
We start spinning stories, we'repredicting outcomes, we're
analyzing tones, we arehyper-vigilant to everything
going on around us.
We are remembering every pasthurt and we're future
fantasizing about every futurehurt they're gonna do to us.
But anchoring brings us back tothe present moment.
So I want you to try this.
When you go to the bathroom, youcan literally kick off your
(08:20):
shoes, put your feet on thetile.
That coldness is an anchorpoint.
It helps so much.
Anchoring is just another wordfor grounding.
So if you have your own personalgrounding techniques, beautiful.
If you don't, reach out to meand we can work on this
together.
But some beautiful anchoringtechniques are breathing.
Box breathing is a beautifulanchoring technique.
(08:40):
Box breathing is when youbreathe in for four, hold for
four, exhale for four, and thenhold for four.
See how you make a box?
There's also just noticing yourbreath.
There is feeling your feet onthe tile floor, like we talked
about, feeling your weight inthe chair, maybe even feeling,
you know, the coldness of therim of the toilet around your
(09:03):
butt.
Let's get really real here.
Maybe you just want to touch thetoilet paper with your hand.
See how we can regulate whereverwe are?
Maybe you're in the car, you'restuck in the car with your
husband, and you guys arefighting and you needed to
remove yourself, so you askedfor a break.
Well, how are you gonna anchorthen?
Maybe you can feel thevibrations of the car, listen to
the music being played.
(09:25):
Maybe you can put your hands onyour thighs and rub them back
and forth to feel the texture ofyour jeans or your pants.
This is all anchoring.
This is you telling your nervoussystem, I'm here now and I'm
safe.
When you anchor, your bodystarts to shift out of fight or
flight and into regulation.
So this part is so important.
(09:46):
Next, we're going to inquire,okay?
We're gonna just inquire withcuriosity about what's going on
with our bodies.
Hey, check in with it.
Okay, what just got stirred upin me?
Why am I so angry?
What am I feeling right now?
Where am I feeling it?
If you're familiar with somaticexperiencing, this is a perfect
(10:06):
opportunity to start being like,okay, I feel a tightness in my
stomach, I feel a shakiness inmy hands.
What emotions are underneaththat?
I'm angry, I'm frustrated, I'mscared, I'm exhausted, I'm
overwhelmed.
Let's get clear on the feelingsthat we're having.
What does this remind you of?
Oh, every past conversationyou've had with Aunt Sally where
(10:27):
she never listens to you.
Maybe it reminds you of a reallydark time in childhood when you
got hurt and no one listened toyou back then.
And I know that's hard to hear.
Trust me, I've been there.
And at the same time, this isthe part where we need to
inquire.
Now we can't inquire if we'restill dysregulated.
That's why we have to removeourselves and then anchor
(10:48):
ourselves.
So only once our nervous systemis starting to calm down can we
actually inquire.
Because inquiry takes part ofyour prefrontal cortex to get
there.
So again, if you're like, Ican't even think right now, Jen,
I can't get curious, I'm sopissed off.
Then we need to go back toanchoring, girl.
Don't worry about it.
We all do it.
So anchor, once you're grounded,once your breathing becomes
(11:08):
regulated, check in withyourself.
Maybe your dad cuts you off whenyou talk and instantly you feel
that sting of, I don't matter.
Oof, right?
That's okay.
We just want to inquire why thisis happening.
And this is just about beingable to understand what's going
on in our bodies.
Because when you meet pain withcuriosity instead of judgment,
(11:32):
you start to reclaim your power.
Isn't that amazing?
So we've done R, so we're gonnaremove ourselves.
So let's say you're sitting onthe toilet, okay, you've gone to
the toilet, now you're anchoringyourself.
You feel your cold feet on theground, and you're like, okay,
what's going on here?
And you're like, okay, well, mydad interrupted me again.
And this reminds me of all thetimes in childhood when I tried
to get him to hear me and hewouldn't.
(11:53):
And as a result, I got hurt.
Beautiful.
See where this is all comingfrom now?
This isn't just about the turkeydinner on the table today in the
year of 2025.
This is all the decades of hurt.
But now that we understand that,we're gonna check in with our
stories.
That's the S.
So R A I S stories.
(12:13):
And stories are separate fromfact, right?
Stories are the things that ourminds tell us over and over
again, our little spirals thathappen, like, oh, I don't mean
anything to anyone, I don'tmatter, I'm alone, I am unloved,
I'm unlovable, I am unworthy, Iam a burden, I am a problem, I
am annoying.
Whew.
(12:34):
Do you hear those stories?
You hear how they trigger us?
Because when we're triggered,our minds fill in the blanks,
and it's not usually in ourfavor, unfortunately.
We assume someone's tone meansthey don't respect us, we assume
silence means rejection, weassume a look means judgment.
But again, stories are notfacts.
(12:55):
They're just our perceptions.
So I always like to try to getus to ask the question: is this
fact or a story?
Is it fact that my mom doesn'tlove me?
Is it a fact that my dad doesn'tcare for me?
No.
If those were true, thenhonestly, we should not be in
that house right now becausethis is an unsafe environment.
(13:16):
But it's just what we feel inour bodies and our brains
because these are the storiesthat we have collected over the
years.
So the fact might be, hey, okay,mom asked me if I'm seeing
someone, and I hate it when shedoes that, but you know, I get
it, and then your body gets alltense and you're getting
dysregulated.
And but the story inside ofthere is she thinks I'm a
(13:37):
failure because I'm a singlewoman.
You see the story?
Yeah, sure, your mom asked you,hey, when are we getting
grandbabies?
Right?
But the story you're tellingyourself is I'm a bad daughter.
She won't love me withoutgrandbabies.
I am a burden to this family.
I am an outcast.
(13:58):
I am excluded.
See this difference?
I just want us to get reallyclear on what this feels like.
So once you separate them, yourbody starts to settle because
you're no longer reacting tofiction, you're responding to
reality.
So once you've gotten yourselfin this place, so again, you've
removed yourself, you're in thebathroom, you've kicked off your
shoes, your feet are on thefloor, you're grounding
(14:20):
yourself, you've inquired aboutall the feelings and the somatic
sensations going on in yourbody, and you've checked in with
the stories that are ruminatingin your head.
Next, we're going to equilibratethose stories.
So if in the past, right, youthink, okay, my mom thinks I'm a
failure.
Now, I want you to equilibratethat story with the truth or
(14:42):
part of the truth.
Because if we can jump into shethinks I'm a failure, well, we
can also jump into she thinksI'm amazing.
And listen, she's your mother.
She probably does think you'reamazing.
That's what mothers think, evenif they don't show it all the
time.
So we have to think, where arethere times when my mom has seen
my success?
Where are the times when she'sbeen proud of me?
And I want you to think of thosemoments.
And we're going to startequilibrating.
(15:04):
Because this equilibration,which just basically means
balancing, is a way that webring our nervous system back to
balance.
This is where we integrateeverything.
You've removed yourself, you'veanchored yourself, you've
inquired, you've sorted yourstories.
And now you give your body whatit needs to return to calm.
So that way you can get back outthere and do the rest of this
(15:26):
process, which is validatingthem and collaborating them,
which we'll talk about nextweek.
Equilibrium just means you're nolonger spinning in this
activation.
You've landed back in yourself.
And we do that by showingourselves how loved we are, how
valued we are.
These are these I am statementsthat I love doing with my
clients in our speak on asmembership, where we do a
(15:46):
process called somaticaffirmations.
And that's all this is, is wherewe say, I am.
I am loved, I am enough.
I am important.
I am a success.
I am a badass.
I am divine.
When we can start not onlysaying those I am statements,
but finding the evidence behindthem, and we do that by
(16:07):
equilibrating our stories,everything starts to change.
So here's your challenge thisweek.
Before you walk into any socialsituation for the holidays,
maybe it's a family dinner or awork gathering or even a tough
conversation with your husbandor your boyfriend or your
partner, I want you to set theintention to raise instead of
react.
(16:28):
You can even write the acronymdown on a sticky note or put it
as the wallpaper on your phone.
R-A-I-S-E.
Remove, anchor, inquire,stories, equilibrate.
Try it once this week when youfeel your body getting
activated.
In fact, the more that youpractice this, the better.
Try practicing it when you'renot even that triggered because
(16:49):
you're going to be able to dothis better.
Just try it right now.
Get off of this podcast whenwe're done here and just try it.
Remove yourself, anchoryourself, inquire, check your
stories, and then equilibratethem.
Even if you only remember onestep, that's a win.
Because regulation is neverabout perfection.
It's just about awareness.
(17:12):
All right, ladies, that's partone of our holiday series.
So next week we are gonna diveinto the next step of our
three-part communicationprocess, which is regulation,
validation, collaboration.
Today was all about regulation.
Next week, we are gonna talkabout validation and
collaboration, how tocommunicate through conflict
without losing connection.
And if you love this episode, Iwould love for you to share it
(17:33):
with a friend who's alreadydreading that family
conversation.
And if you want to practiceraise with real support and
coaching, come join us inside ofthe Speak Honest membership.
It's a small, close-knit groupof women learning how to
regulate, set boundaries, andspeak honestly together.
So I want to remind you again,take a breath, you've got this.
And remember, raise before youreact.
(17:56):
I'll speak with you all nextweek.
Take care.
As we wrap up today'sconversation, always remember
that healing is a journey, not adestination.
And it is an honor to be a partof your healing journey.
If you want to dig deeper intothe topics we covered today, be
sure to head over to our shownotes, where you can find all of
(18:17):
the valuable informationmentioned in today's episode
right there.
And please remember to rate,review, and subscribe if you
enjoyed today's podcast.
Your feedback means the world tous and helps others discover our
podcast.
Until next time, remember tospeak up and speak honest.
Hello, and welcome to Speak Honest.
I am your host and certifiedrelationship coach, Jennifer
Noble.
It has been my passion for overa decade to help women like you
heal.
What's been holding you backfrom having the relationships
you deserve?
Are you struggling with arelationship where you can't
seem to voice your emotions,needs, and boundaries without
(00:26):
having it blow up in your face?
Then you have found the rightpodcast, my friend.
Get ready for practical tips,empowering truths, and honest
conversations.
Now, let's dive in.
Hello and welcome back toanother episode of Speak Honest.
I'm Jen Noble, your go-torelationship coach.
And on today's episode, we aregonna be talking about holiday
(00:48):
regulation and communication.
Because holidays are rightaround the corner, and so I
thought let's kick off atwo-part series on how we can
actually stay regulated in thosetough conversations.
So before we get started, I justwant to remind all of you that
my brand new best-selling book,Dance of Attachment, is
currently out on Amazon andBarnes Noble.
You can pretty much get itwherever you can get books.
And I am so, so excited aboutthis book.
(01:10):
In fact, what we're gonna talkabout today, which is my Ray's
method to help you regulate yourbody, is actually in that book.
So go ahead and go check it out.
You can go todanceofattachment.com or you can
just click on the link in theshow notes to grab it.
So now, as we aren't getting onwith the episode, I want you to
be thinking about this.
When was the last time youwalked in to your Thanksgiving
(01:31):
dinner and you just could nothandle the conversation
happening around the table?
I know what that is like for youto just feel like, oh my gosh,
why can't Aunt Sally just shuther damn mouth already?
But the thing is, is the bestthing that we have is ourselves,
right?
We can't control other people.
(01:52):
We can only control ourselves.
So I want you to be thinkingabout that as we go on with
today's episode.
I want you to think of thisepisode like your pre-holiday
emotional tune-up.
What we're gonna talk abouttoday is we're gonna talk about
how regulation actually worksand why your body doesn't care
(02:12):
that you've read 10 self-helpbooks before you showed up to
your family dinner.
Then we're gonna recognize thesigns that you're activated,
right?
That moment where your bodysays, oh shit, we've been here
before.
And then I'm gonna walk youthrough my raise method.
This is my five-step method tohelp you calm your nervous
system, process your emotions,and respond with intention
(02:32):
instead of reactivity.
And by the end, you'll have aplan, one you can literally use
at the Thanksgiving table ifthings start heating up.
So let's start with what I meanwhen I say regulate.
Regulation isn't aboutpretending to be calm or shoving
down your feelings, it's aboutlearning to ride the wave of
activation so you can come backto center.
(02:53):
See, in attachment language,when we feel triggered, like
someone's criticizing us, ormaybe they're ignoring us at the
table, or you know, maybe UncleBob is really making us feel
unseen because every time wespeak up, he talks over us.
Our nervous system activatesthese old attachment wounds.
That's when we go into ourfamiliar stances.
The anxious one starts tooverexplain or seek reassurance.
(03:17):
You know, she starts being like,oh no, no, what I really meant
was this, and she can't stopuntil she gets heard.
But also, if you're avoidant,you kind of shut down, right?
So the avoidant one is gonnashut down or get really icy or
kind of start stonewalling,maybe cross their arms a little
bit, get really angry.
And the disorganized one, well,we're gonna flip-flop between
the both, right?
We're gonna be like, well, Iwant to be heard, and then
(03:39):
you're not heard, so you shutdown or you walk away, or worse,
you get volatile.
Maybe you flip your plate.
Maybe you slam the door on yourway out.
These are all the ways that ourattachment wounds affect our
emotions.
And none of this means thatyou're broken, of course.
It just means that your body istrying to protect you.
See, regulation is how we tellour bodies, hey, we've got this.
(04:02):
We're safe now.
Because until your body feelssafe, your brain can't properly
have a productive conversation.
So it's not your fault that thisis happening.
You literally cannot problemsolve when you're dysregulated.
That's not how this works.
See, your prefrontal cortex,which is that part of your brain
that is all about reason andempathizing and making plans, it
(04:25):
just completely goes offline.
And there's nothing you can doabout this.
This is just biology.
So the work isn't to be perfect,it's just to get online faster.
And how do we get online?
Well, here's what I want you tostart paying attention to your
tells, your patterns.
We all have them.
Maybe for you, your stomachtightens.
(04:46):
You know, Aunt Sally starts tosay something, and you already
feel your stomach tightening,and you're like, oh, here we go
again.
Here she's got to start upagain.
Maybe your jaw is clenching,maybe your heart rate spikes.
Maybe your voice gets louder.
Sometimes mine gets squeakier.
That's my tell.
You can tell when I'm startingto get a little bit anxious, it
starts going like this.
Maybe you shut down.
(05:07):
Maybe you dissociate.
Maybe things start to go blurryaround you.
Maybe your hands start to shake.
Maybe you feel yourself smiling,but inside you're thinking, I'm
gonna fucking lose it.
See, these are your nervoussystem's early warning signs.
And if you can catch them early,you actually have a chance to
pause before you spiral.
(05:29):
So think of it like catching apot before it boils over.
The earlier you notice thesteam, the easier it is to turn
down the heat.
Now that we've talked throughwhat regulation actually is and
how to notice if you're gettingdysregulated, how to notice when
you're activated, let's walkthrough what to do when you are
dysregulated.
Let's walk through my five-stepraise method.
(05:52):
Now, RAISE stands for R-A-I-S-E.
It's simple, it's body-based,and it's something you could do
anywhere, even at a noisy familygathering.
So let's start with R.
We want to remove ourselves fromthe situation because we cannot
regulate if we are stilldysregulated, right?
(06:12):
Remember, we talked about this.
Our prefrontal cortex shut down,our amygdala takes over.
That's the part of our lizardbrain that says, I'm gonna take
care of all of this, and there'snothing you can do about it.
So we have to remove ourselves.
And removing ourselves justlooks like going to the
bathroom.
It's one of my favorite ways toremove myself in any situation.
I just say, Oh, I gotta pee realquick.
And so then you go to thebathroom and you can do the rest
(06:34):
of these methods.
Sometimes, let's say you'restuck in a car, you're not able
to actually remove yourself.
Maybe you can ask, hey, I reallyhave to go to the bathroom, can
we pull over?
Before you say something you'regonna regret to your husband
because you guys are fighting onthe way over to your parents'
house, right?
We don't want to do that.
But also you can remove yourselfby just kind of asking them,
hey, can I have a minute?
If you feel safe in yourrelationship to do this, this is
(06:56):
a beautiful way to get yourselfheard where you can just say,
Hey, I'm feeling myselfoverwhelmed.
I just need to take a momentfrom this conversation and then
I'll have it.
That's another way to removeyourself.
So any of these, maybe you couldjust go outside for a walk.
Maybe you're like, you knowwhat?
Oh no, we forgot the corn.
I gotta go run to the store.
You going to the store is notavoiding the situation.
(07:17):
You're not being avoided in thatmoment.
You are simply removing yourselffrom the trigger.
See how this works?
This is okay to do.
We have to remove ourselves fromthe trigger in order for our
bodies to regulate, for them tocalm down in order to have this
conversation later on.
So that's our remove.
(07:37):
Then once you've removedyourself, let's say you went to
the bathroom.
We're just gonna talk about thisin terms of going to the
bathroom.
It's my favorite place to go toregulate myself.
A, anchor.
We're going to anchor into yourbody.
But once you've stepped away,you want to anchor yourself back
into your body.
So what does this look like?
Well, when we're triggered, wetend to live in our heads.
(08:00):
We start spinning stories, we'repredicting outcomes, we're
analyzing tones, we arehyper-vigilant to everything
going on around us.
We are remembering every pasthurt and we're future
fantasizing about every futurehurt they're gonna do to us.
But anchoring brings us back tothe present moment.
So I want you to try this.
When you go to the bathroom, youcan literally kick off your
(08:20):
shoes, put your feet on thetile.
That coldness is an anchorpoint.
It helps so much.
Anchoring is just another wordfor grounding.
So if you have your own personalgrounding techniques, beautiful.
If you don't, reach out to meand we can work on this
together.
But some beautiful anchoringtechniques are breathing.
Box breathing is a beautifulanchoring technique.
(08:40):
Box breathing is when youbreathe in for four, hold for
four, exhale for four, and thenhold for four.
See how you make a box?
There's also just noticing yourbreath.
There is feeling your feet onthe tile floor, like we talked
about, feeling your weight inthe chair, maybe even feeling,
you know, the coldness of therim of the toilet around your
(09:03):
butt.
Let's get really real here.
Maybe you just want to touch thetoilet paper with your hand.
See how we can regulate whereverwe are?
Maybe you're in the car, you'restuck in the car with your
husband, and you guys arefighting and you needed to
remove yourself, so you askedfor a break.
Well, how are you gonna anchorthen?
Maybe you can feel thevibrations of the car, listen to
the music being played.
(09:25):
Maybe you can put your hands onyour thighs and rub them back
and forth to feel the texture ofyour jeans or your pants.
This is all anchoring.
This is you telling your nervoussystem, I'm here now and I'm
safe.
When you anchor, your bodystarts to shift out of fight or
flight and into regulation.
So this part is so important.
(09:46):
Next, we're going to inquire,okay?
We're gonna just inquire withcuriosity about what's going on
with our bodies.
Hey, check in with it.
Okay, what just got stirred upin me?
Why am I so angry?
What am I feeling right now?
Where am I feeling it?
If you're familiar with somaticexperiencing, this is a perfect
(10:06):
opportunity to start being like,okay, I feel a tightness in my
stomach, I feel a shakiness inmy hands.
What emotions are underneaththat?
I'm angry, I'm frustrated, I'mscared, I'm exhausted, I'm
overwhelmed.
Let's get clear on the feelingsthat we're having.
What does this remind you of?
Oh, every past conversationyou've had with Aunt Sally where
(10:27):
she never listens to you.
Maybe it reminds you of a reallydark time in childhood when you
got hurt and no one listened toyou back then.
And I know that's hard to hear.
Trust me, I've been there.
And at the same time, this isthe part where we need to
inquire.
Now we can't inquire if we'restill dysregulated.
That's why we have to removeourselves and then anchor
(10:48):
ourselves.
So only once our nervous systemis starting to calm down can we
actually inquire.
Because inquiry takes part ofyour prefrontal cortex to get
there.
So again, if you're like, Ican't even think right now, Jen,
I can't get curious, I'm sopissed off.
Then we need to go back toanchoring, girl.
Don't worry about it.
We all do it.
So anchor, once you're grounded,once your breathing becomes
(11:08):
regulated, check in withyourself.
Maybe your dad cuts you off whenyou talk and instantly you feel
that sting of, I don't matter.
Oof, right?
That's okay.
We just want to inquire why thisis happening.
And this is just about beingable to understand what's going
on in our bodies.
Because when you meet pain withcuriosity instead of judgment,
(11:32):
you start to reclaim your power.
Isn't that amazing?
So we've done R, so we're gonnaremove ourselves.
So let's say you're sitting onthe toilet, okay, you've gone to
the toilet, now you're anchoringyourself.
You feel your cold feet on theground, and you're like, okay,
what's going on here?
And you're like, okay, well, mydad interrupted me again.
And this reminds me of all thetimes in childhood when I tried
to get him to hear me and hewouldn't.
(11:53):
And as a result, I got hurt.
Beautiful.
See where this is all comingfrom now?
This isn't just about the turkeydinner on the table today in the
year of 2025.
This is all the decades of hurt.
But now that we understand that,we're gonna check in with our
stories.
That's the S.
So R A I S stories.
(12:13):
And stories are separate fromfact, right?
Stories are the things that ourminds tell us over and over
again, our little spirals thathappen, like, oh, I don't mean
anything to anyone, I don'tmatter, I'm alone, I am unloved,
I'm unlovable, I am unworthy, Iam a burden, I am a problem, I
am annoying.
Whew.
(12:34):
Do you hear those stories?
You hear how they trigger us?
Because when we're triggered,our minds fill in the blanks,
and it's not usually in ourfavor, unfortunately.
We assume someone's tone meansthey don't respect us, we assume
silence means rejection, weassume a look means judgment.
But again, stories are notfacts.
(12:55):
They're just our perceptions.
So I always like to try to getus to ask the question: is this
fact or a story?
Is it fact that my mom doesn'tlove me?
Is it a fact that my dad doesn'tcare for me?
No.
If those were true, thenhonestly, we should not be in
that house right now becausethis is an unsafe environment.
(13:16):
But it's just what we feel inour bodies and our brains
because these are the storiesthat we have collected over the
years.
So the fact might be, hey, okay,mom asked me if I'm seeing
someone, and I hate it when shedoes that, but you know, I get
it, and then your body gets alltense and you're getting
dysregulated.
And but the story inside ofthere is she thinks I'm a
(13:37):
failure because I'm a singlewoman.
You see the story?
Yeah, sure, your mom asked you,hey, when are we getting
grandbabies?
Right?
But the story you're tellingyourself is I'm a bad daughter.
She won't love me withoutgrandbabies.
I am a burden to this family.
I am an outcast.
(13:58):
I am excluded.
See this difference?
I just want us to get reallyclear on what this feels like.
So once you separate them, yourbody starts to settle because
you're no longer reacting tofiction, you're responding to
reality.
So once you've gotten yourselfin this place, so again, you've
removed yourself, you're in thebathroom, you've kicked off your
shoes, your feet are on thefloor, you're grounding
(14:20):
yourself, you've inquired aboutall the feelings and the somatic
sensations going on in yourbody, and you've checked in with
the stories that are ruminatingin your head.
Next, we're going to equilibratethose stories.
So if in the past, right, youthink, okay, my mom thinks I'm a
failure.
Now, I want you to equilibratethat story with the truth or
(14:42):
part of the truth.
Because if we can jump into shethinks I'm a failure, well, we
can also jump into she thinksI'm amazing.
And listen, she's your mother.
She probably does think you'reamazing.
That's what mothers think, evenif they don't show it all the
time.
So we have to think, where arethere times when my mom has seen
my success?
Where are the times when she'sbeen proud of me?
And I want you to think of thosemoments.
And we're going to startequilibrating.
(15:04):
Because this equilibration,which just basically means
balancing, is a way that webring our nervous system back to
balance.
This is where we integrateeverything.
You've removed yourself, you'veanchored yourself, you've
inquired, you've sorted yourstories.
And now you give your body whatit needs to return to calm.
So that way you can get back outthere and do the rest of this
(15:26):
process, which is validatingthem and collaborating them,
which we'll talk about nextweek.
Equilibrium just means you're nolonger spinning in this
activation.
You've landed back in yourself.
And we do that by showingourselves how loved we are, how
valued we are.
These are these I am statementsthat I love doing with my
clients in our speak on asmembership, where we do a
(15:46):
process called somaticaffirmations.
And that's all this is, is wherewe say, I am.
I am loved, I am enough.
I am important.
I am a success.
I am a badass.
I am divine.
When we can start not onlysaying those I am statements,
but finding the evidence behindthem, and we do that by
(16:07):
equilibrating our stories,everything starts to change.
So here's your challenge thisweek.
Before you walk into any socialsituation for the holidays,
maybe it's a family dinner or awork gathering or even a tough
conversation with your husbandor your boyfriend or your
partner, I want you to set theintention to raise instead of
react.
(16:28):
You can even write the acronymdown on a sticky note or put it
as the wallpaper on your phone.
R-A-I-S-E.
Remove, anchor, inquire,stories, equilibrate.
Try it once this week when youfeel your body getting
activated.
In fact, the more that youpractice this, the better.
Try practicing it when you'renot even that triggered because
(16:49):
you're going to be able to dothis better.
Just try it right now.
Get off of this podcast whenwe're done here and just try it.
Remove yourself, anchoryourself, inquire, check your
stories, and then equilibratethem.
Even if you only remember onestep, that's a win.
Because regulation is neverabout perfection.
It's just about awareness.
(17:12):
All right, ladies, that's partone of our holiday series.
So next week we are gonna diveinto the next step of our
three-part communicationprocess, which is regulation,
validation, collaboration.
Today was all about regulation.
Next week, we are gonna talkabout validation and
collaboration, how tocommunicate through conflict
without losing connection.
And if you love this episode, Iwould love for you to share it
(17:33):
with a friend who's alreadydreading that family
conversation.
And if you want to practiceraise with real support and
coaching, come join us inside ofthe Speak Honest membership.
It's a small, close-knit groupof women learning how to
regulate, set boundaries, andspeak honestly together.
So I want to remind you again,take a breath, you've got this.
And remember, raise before youreact.
(17:56):
I'll speak with you all nextweek.
Take care.
As we wrap up today'sconversation, always remember
that healing is a journey, not adestination.
And it is an honor to be a partof your healing journey.
If you want to dig deeper intothe topics we covered today, be
sure to head over to our shownotes, where you can find all of
(18:17):
the valuable informationmentioned in today's episode
right there.
And please remember to rate,review, and subscribe if you
enjoyed today's podcast.
Your feedback means the world tous and helps others discover our
podcast.
Until next time, remember tospeak up and speak honest.
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