December 23, 2024 • 48 mins
Unwrap the secrets to a stress-free holiday season with our guest Marita Pompeani, a clinical social worker and holistic psychotherapist. Guest host Leigh Klekar interviews Martina to help relieve holiday stress, particularly prevalent among women balancing multiple caregiving roles.
Discover Marita's expert strategies for reducing stress while staying present, and learn why self-care is not just a luxury but a necessity amidst societal pressures and personal guilt. We'll also explore how embracing traditional family activities can be the perfect antidote to seasonal stress.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome to the Speaking of Women's Health
podcast.
I'm your host, dr Holly Thacker, and I'm back temporarily today
in the Sunflower House.
I love bringing these podcaststo you, my audience, who I adore
(00:22):
, and we're bringing you greatcontent from
speakingofwomenshealthcom.
But, as you may or may not know, not only am I the executive
director of Speaking of Women'sHealth, but I also direct our
Center for Specialized Women'sHealth and run a specialty
women's health fellowship, and Iwant to keep giving you, our
(00:44):
listeners, the best content thatwe have on our site.
And so I want to introduce ourwonderful executive producer of
the podcast, leigh Kleckar, andshe is behind the scenes and our
social media manager forSpeaking of Women's Health, and
she is going to guest podcast,including today.
(01:08):
So take it away, leigh.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
Welcome to the Speaking of Women's Health
podcast.
I'm your guest host, leighKlecker, the producer of the
podcast, and I'm so happy to beback in the Sunflower House for
this new podcast episode withMarita Pompiani.
I'm talking with Marita todayon the subject of how to
decrease stress and be presentfor the holiday season.
(01:36):
So first I'd like to share alittle bit about Marita's
professional background.
She is a clinical social workerand has worked with children,
adolescents and adults fromdiverse backgrounds in a variety
of treatment settings for 40years.
She currently is a holisticpsychotherapist in the Center
for Integrative and LifestyleMedicine at Cleveland Clinic and
(02:00):
, using a variety of treatmentapproaches, including cognitive,
behavioral and mind-bodytherapies, she assists patients
in the development of personaltools to manage different types
of stress and resolve conflict,navigate transitions and major
life changes, heal from traumaand address common problems.
(02:21):
So welcome, marita.
Thank you, it's good to be here.
Thanks for joining us.
You actually wrote a fantasticcolumn on our website,
speakingofwomenshealthcom lastyear called the Importance of
Self-Care and why Women Need toBe a Little Selfish, and I feel
that that topic really goeshands in hand with what we're
(02:43):
talking about today, about justtaking a step back and really
kind of prioritizing thingsduring the holiday season and
all year.
These are probably tips that wecan use all year long.
Speaker 3 (02:55):
Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (02:56):
Yes, so I love the first couple lines of your
column.
It said at various times in ourlives most of us have
experienced the steady, drip,drip, drip of stressful events,
until they get to the point ofoverwhelm and they're facing
extreme painful situations.
And women, often involved innumerous caregiving roles,
(03:17):
regularly overlook their ownwellness needs.
So I'm sure many of ourlisteners feel that way during
the holiday season.
So I'm glad we have you joiningus so you can share some of
these important tips for ourlisteners out there.
So let's start with sort of thevery basic.
Why is the holiday season sostressful for people and
(03:40):
especially women?
Speaker 3 (03:43):
Excellent question.
Obviously, there are so manystrains on our time and
resources during the holidayseason and even like now, in so
many situations where peoplehave a strain already.
Even when they're not in theholidays, they may be living
(04:05):
paycheck to paycheck.
They may be going through thesame routine every week to get
everything done and then startedall over at the beginning of
the following week, and itreally drains our energy, it
drains our enthusiasm for livingreally, and women especially,
(04:28):
in our society we have.
Not only do we take on some ofthese more caretaking roles,
oftentimes with elderly or ourchildren or other people in need
, there's also sometimes thissense of guilt that we're not
doing enough.
Or there's stories that we'vebeen telling ourselves for years
(04:51):
that our culture kind of pushesout there through the media
about the role of women and whatwe need to be doing.
So there's many reasons, and Ialso want to give a shout out to
men, because they also feel thestrain as well and that's
(05:12):
important.
So expectations are anotherstressor.
You know that.
What are we going to do?
How are we going to manage this?
This, because we've always doneit this way.
Speaker 2 (05:26):
Yeah, I agree, and I do think that's important that
you did do a shout out to themen I know a lot of.
You know husbands, partners aremore involved you know the last
you know nowadays than maybeyou know grandparents, parents,
so you know they do take on alot.
Speaker 3 (05:43):
I do think women do tend to take on more, though I
will say that as a mother and asa working mom.
So it depends on the individual, individual families.
Yeah, but absolutely yes.
Yes, it's the tendency.
Yeah, men, men look at thebigger picture.
I think Women are details andwe have to have things looking
(06:08):
just right, and it's just adifferent way of approaching it
Right, and then we tend to showour stress maybe more readily.
Men sometimes kind of hold thatin, so it's more apparent when
a woman is stressed versus a man.
Speaker 2 (06:26):
Yeah, and I think you made an important point too
about the social media.
I think a lot of people youknow if you're frequently on
there, you're looking whateveryone else is doing and sort
of comparing your own life andthat's just not healthy.
Speaker 3 (06:40):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (07:07):
Yeah, and that's newer to our society in the last
20 years, where that's been anissue that's added, versus more
traditional experiences of theholidays where we had more
homespun activities and we didthings that our families passed
on.
The traditions, yes, yeah,absolutely so.
Why don't we talk about someways for people to maybe limit
and deal with stress quickly?
So you know, we're gettingreally close to the holidays at
this point, so we don't havemonths to maybe, you know, go
back and prepare.
But what can they do now tohelp, you know, with this stress
(07:27):
?
Speaker 3 (07:28):
You know it's funny.
I remember when my kids werelittle we would have all this
tension and stress preparing togo to grandma's, and some of us
may have been like talkingloudly prior to arriving.
And then we get there and we'relike, okay, now we have to put
(07:49):
our happy face on right and thatis a real experience.
So, paying attention to thosethings, sometimes even ahead of
time and I know moms are good atthis because that was the role
I can't speak for dads but theplanning that goes into this,
(08:10):
like we are like 10 steps aheadof everybody else, because we
can see what's on the horizon,what we have to have done, what
this has to be in place, this,this, this.
So we do a really good job ofplanning, but sometimes we have
to do a good job of letting thatgo right and saying this is the
plan.
But you know, late informationfor some people, maybe some
(08:45):
people already know it, but justremembering that stress is the
result of a nervous systemreaction to a trigger, and so
this part of our brain that'sresponsible for our survival is
called the amygdala and it'sconstantly scanning your
environment for signs of dangeror distress.
And it's constantly scanningyour environment for signs of
(09:06):
danger or distress.
So when it's detected, it setsin motion a lot of physical
responses.
One of those is the secretionof adrenaline, which gives us
that energy to really have whatwe need to fight or flee for our
lives.
That's the purpose of that partof our nervous system.
(09:29):
When we understand that'swhat's going into play here, we
don't have to respond that way.
We can shut that down and makea shift.
So learning what your stressresponses are is really
important.
(09:53):
One of my first things that I dois I hold my breath and I have
tension in my belly.
So I've gotten to the point,lee, where I have learned.
When that happens, I can bringin some very simple breathing
techniques to take myself offthe stress cycle.
Basically and I don't even getinto the story about what it is,
because that's not as importantas attending to what's
(10:18):
happening here that's whatdrives our responses that
increase in blood flow, theadrenaline, our heart starts to
race, all of these things.
So get to know what yourphysical symptoms are so that
you can make a differentresponse that takes practice.
(10:39):
Yeah, it's not going to happenright away.
Some people will try somethingand say it didn't work, I'm not
going to do it.
It doesn't work, but it takestime.
So, breathing I'm going to tellyou a little bit about
breathing too.
Breathing the reason that we dothis breath, and I can stand up
and demonstrate that.
If that would be good, I'llshow you in a minute.
(11:01):
Most people, when they take adeep breath, they just suck in.
Everything gets sucked in,shoulders tighten and all of
that, and that's the opposite ofwhat our body needs to calm
down.
What we recommend, and what'sbeen found to be extremely
helpful, is expanding our bellyon the inhale.
(11:25):
So if you put your hands, andjust when you start to do this,
you put your hands on your bellyand you breathe out, push out
when you're breathing in, I'msorry, and then on the exhale.
Speaker 2 (11:39):
Sort of like a yoga breathing.
Speaker 3 (11:41):
Exactly, that's exactly it it is.
If you're familiar with yoga,people who are in music, who
sing, it's also called diaphragmbreathing.
Okay, the reason it's soeffective is because you're
pressing on your diaphragm,which has the vagus nerve
running through it.
So the vagus nerve is that oneof the biggest nerves in your
(12:03):
body.
It goes, goes through all yourorgans, your brain, your spinal
cord, and it puts into motionyour parasympathetic nervous
system response, which puts youin calm.
So you're activating the partof your nervous system that is
responsible to help you calmdown, system that is responsible
(12:29):
to help you calm down and shutsoff the other fight or flight
response, which is yoursympathetic nervous system.
Speaker 2 (12:32):
All of those words aren't necessarily important to
remember as much as thetechniques and so how many times
do we need to do that breath tosort of actually get that
result that you're talking about?
Speaker 3 (12:45):
yes, the more you do it, the to do that breath to
sort of actually get that resultthat you're talking about.
Yes, the more you do it, themore you're going to be training
your body and your mind, thisnew way of responding.
So when you, when I, work withpeople and demonstrate it, I'll
have them do it three to fourtimes, but you could do it a
little bit longer if you wanted.
(13:05):
Some people don't have thepatience for that, and that's
okay, don't worry about that.
I heard somebody say uh, he,when he first learned some of
these techniques, he can onlytolerate five seconds of doing
this, okay, well, and he and sojust know that that's the
process.
It it takes time, like I said,to train your system.
(13:28):
He was unable to tolerate eightseconds and extended that as he
went.
Speaker 2 (13:35):
And especially if you're like you used the example
you're on your way to grandma'sand you can feel yourself with
this heavy, this, you know heavyload, just even maybe a couple
breaths to start that, you know,in the car exactly shift yeah,
shift it, yeah, um, anotherthing you can do is just like
dial in what's happening, whatam I feeling, and this again
(13:58):
takes practice.
Speaker 3 (13:59):
But just paying attention, where is that tension
?
Ah, it's here.
I'm just going to envision thebreath coming in and melting it.
You know, just melting it offthe tension and releasing it.
And I'm doing it in thisinterview.
Uh, constantly, not constantly,but regularly, throughout my
(14:21):
whole day.
Speaker 2 (14:22):
It's a, it's a lifestyle, it really is yeah,
yeah, you know, I know sometimesI get very stubborn when I am
feeling stress and you use theperfect example, you know you
finally get, you know yourfamily in the car and you're,
you're feeling that, but like myhusband will say, well, what
can I do to help?
And I'm just, I'm like I can'teven receive that, you know,
(14:49):
right.
So it's's like you're right,you have to sort of completely
really work on this to changethat.
Go, okay, I will receive it andI'm also going to take care of
myself at this moment and do abreathing exercise or take a
quick walk or whatever, right?
Speaker 3 (14:57):
yes, yes, some people do.
You know you can do Googlesearches.
There's so many so I can giveyou a few here.
But there's there are so manyand you will know which ones
work for you and everybody Iwork with has different ones
they go to.
I worked with somebody who hada high anxiety and at work he
(15:18):
would go to the restroom and runhis wrists under cold water
because that helped him and coldice pack or water can help turn
down that stress response.
You know the stress response.
One of the symptoms isincreased body temperature.
(15:40):
So that is something to payattention to.
Speaker 2 (15:45):
Absolutely.
I know also a few of yourfellow colleagues have written
columns for Speaking of Women'sHealth.
I think there's one definitelyon breathing exercises and
different breathing exercisesand some other tips too, so we
can direct our listeners tospeakingofwomenshealthcom.
Speaker 3 (16:03):
Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (16:04):
Search for some of those under wellness.
Speaker 3 (16:06):
Yeah, one other one that you mentioned also was like
walking away, taking a pausereset, and that's been shown to
be really effective as well.
Speaker 2 (16:16):
Right, I can kind of see that working when you do get
to say grandma's or whatever,maybe get together you're at, or
if it's at your own home andeveryone's coming in and you
know there's a lot of noise anda lot of things, and you've got
things in the oven.
Go, you know what?
I will be right back.
Give me two minutes.
Speaker 3 (16:32):
Yes, and sometimes if I'm at somebody else's house, I
use the restroom Like I'll justexcuse myself and I use that
time and I've seen a movierecently where the person will
go and look right Actually, Ithink it was Ted Lasso, one of
the main characters Love thatshow, yeah, and kind of dials
into himself, yeah, and reallywhat you're doing is connecting
(16:57):
your mind and your body, you'regrounding in and when you do
that, you're turning off thestress cycle, yeah, which
includes repeated thoughts and astory like this always happens
why does she or why does he?
And so just recognize that youcan step out of that story that
you're telling yourself, becausethat adds to the stress, right
(17:19):
it?
Speaker 2 (17:19):
drives it Right, right.
So you talked a little bitabout this, about setting
realistic expectations, butmaybe we can dive a little bit
more into that and sort of walkus through maybe some of your
tips or steps of how we can setthose realistic expectations
going into the holiday season.
Speaker 3 (17:45):
Well, I think it's important to sit in preparation
for the holidays and a lot ofpeople probably do this to
identify what are all the thingsthat you expect to happen, what
are your expectations, what areyour family members
expectations.
Identify them and get getfamiliar with, even recognize.
Oh oh yeah, aunt Sally, thishas to be done, or whatever my
(18:11):
apologies to all the Sally's outthere but being sure that
you're aware of the list andthen setting your priorities.
Do you have, you know, a spouseor a partner?
You want to do that together,obviously, um, understanding you
(18:31):
might not get everything onyour wish list or expectation
list and yet you'll have to beflexible, but being really clear
about things that are reallyjust unreasonable, um, whether
it's your resource of financesor time or energy.
So I work with a lot of peoplewho have chronic illness and
(18:55):
they're grappling with their newself.
So they are in this differentspace of not having the energy
to tolerate.
All of that goes into thecleaning, the food, the shopping
, all of that.
So, being realistic about that.
Another thing I see familiesdoing, especially with so many
(19:17):
blended families we've got to goto, you know, on Christmas day.
We have to go here, here, hereand here.
And is that realistic really?
Is there an alternate plan thatyou can maybe rotate?
This year we'll go to thisone's house on Christmas, next
year we'll go to the next oneand then finding other days,
(19:38):
because with young children intow, that's really setting you
up for more stress if you aretaking them to places, place
that they don't have thebandwidth to tolerate that level
of stimulation and interaction.
So really being realistic aboutthat is super important.
Obviously, financially it iswhat it is, and if there are, if
(20:07):
there are not enough dollars toput into gift buying in the way
you want to, then you need tomake an alternate plan and be
okay with that and say this yearit's just not possible.
There may be people obviouslyyou have to take off your gift
giving list that you purchasedfor, but can you give a gift in
a different way, a gift of timeor even just a, a special card
(20:32):
with a message about, um, allthe things that make that person
really special to you?
So you can do alternate things.
Uh, it doesn't have to looklike it does for everybody on tv
or social media or wherever youknow, or even what you used to
do yeah, and that could be hard,you know, especially for my
(20:55):
teens.
Speaker 2 (20:56):
You know they don't want a stuffed animal anymore.
That could maybe cost tendollars, it's, you know
something, that's a hundred plusso it's like, okay, you might
only be getting one thing.
Then.
Speaker 1 (21:07):
You know there are multiple children in my family.
Speaker 2 (21:09):
Right, yeah, exactly.
Speaker 3 (21:11):
Or can you give money .
We've done this where, if youknow, I have a son who has very
expensive tastes.
Well, I'll give you $100towards that purchase.
Speaker 2 (21:21):
Yeah, that's a great idea Right, so you're keeping
within your budget Absolutely.
Speaker 3 (21:27):
But you know, and they probably love to get that
money anyway and so yeah, Iremember getting money for
Christmas and then I was like,oh good, this is, like you know,
fun money for whatever I want.
Speaker 2 (21:39):
So absolutely, yeah, well, those are great, great
tips.
Um, so we we're actuallysegwaying into the next question
, which is managing.
Managing gift giving, you knowwe talked a lot about that.
Maybe we could dive into alittle bit like if some people
haven't even started theirshopping yet.
It can be really stressful,Like or you forgot someone on
(22:02):
your list.
I've done that before.
Or I'm like you know I'll makemy list ahead of time of who I'm
buying for, and there was oneyear where I forgot someone very
important in my life justbecause I was stressed and busy.
Yeah.
So it was a last minute tryingto find something.
Speaker 3 (22:18):
Yeah, so some of the things that can be helpful in
that.
You know, obviously I've beenin that place.
I know exactly I might look uplike, if it's an out of town
person, I might go online and doa restaurant search to see what
are some good restaurants thatmatch their style of, you know,
dining out and then get anonline gift certificate which I
(22:42):
can share with them.
Gift cards are always availablein the grocery store, so it's
not always what people want toget for people, but if you
receive them, if you're thatsort of person that enjoys that,
it can be meaningful, again,paired with a nice message about
(23:03):
how important that person is toyou.
Last minute shopping so manydifferent ways to do that with
online again.
Or, you know, usually we wantto try to avoid the box stores
or, you know, because of thelines and all that, but
(23:24):
sometimes that is what we haveto end up doing if it's last
minute.
Right, that is what we have toend up doing if it's last minute
, right.
One other thing that I've doneover the years is I will pick up
lovely things that somebodyjust it'll make a good gift for
somebody, and to have a stash ofstuff like that at home is a
really good idea for thatsituation.
(23:45):
Or a bottle of wine, or a boxof candy or something.
Picking up some extra thingsjust for that purpose.
There's somebody I'm going toforget.
I'm going to get some extrasfor that, that's a great idea.
Speaker 2 (23:58):
Yeah, and even if you're going to someone's home
and you want to bring themsomething small as a thank you a
nice house, you know, or ahostess gift or host gift, yeah,
yes, great idea.
I love that.
Maybe I'll start myself alittle box here after the
Christmas and get some stuff onclearance too yes, exactly, I
have, I've, I have, you know,year-round I pick up stuff.
(24:22):
Yeah, that's great and that canreally help with that stress to
know that you can just go upthere maybe and grab something
and not have to worry aboutgoing out to a store and dealing
with a crowd and chaos.
Speaker 3 (24:32):
And one other thing.
I talked a little bit ago aboutthe stories we tell ourselves.
Pay attention to thatexpectation.
And is that realistic to expectthat of yourself?
And sometimes you're in a tightbind.
You're not going to be able tomeet that expectation right.
(24:53):
So being okay with that.
Speaker 2 (24:58):
Yeah, I have a question that just kind of
popped in my head because it'ssort of something that I'm
dealing with.
So if you know you've done acertain tradition every year, be
it maybe go to someone's homeor go somewhere and you've just
decided that's not the importantfor your family anymore, maybe
(25:19):
it's not bringing you joy orbringing everybody joy, you know
, but it's stressful to have totell, say, you know, joe, that
you know know we're not comingthis year, um, so I'm just
wondering how, like people cansort of do you have any tips on
handling that and you know,talking and having that
conversation, or how to handlethat, um, you know, with with
(25:41):
the person who you know you'reusually spending that time with?
Yeah, that's.
Speaker 3 (25:45):
That's such a good question, lee.
Um, and I imagine that's such agood question, lee, and I
imagine that's going to be areal issue, possibly this year,
since it was an election year.
So, understanding and coming tothat awareness with, again, if
(26:05):
you have a partner or a spousethat you do these things with,
if not, you can decide on yourown.
But, um, really getting clearabout what your intention for
the holiday is and if ourintention is to create joy,
(26:26):
create good, just really be withthe people that we're with, and
maybe, as we go throughdifferent times in our lives,
our inner circle changes and soour inner circle as we have
children and then they go on andhave their own children,
(26:48):
families cannot sustain all ofthe extended people that they
have.
So finding a different day tovisit with them, maybe in
January after the holidayssometimes people do that some
alternate ways If it's just nota good fit to continue that
(27:11):
relationship, that's anotherissue.
Really, just people address itlots of ways.
One way is to say you know what?
We have some other thingshappening right now, you know.
Obviously we can say we're verybusy this year for you know all
these other reasons, or noteven give reasons and just say
we're not able to get togetherthis year.
(27:33):
I'm really sorry, um, and andif that person wants to ask
about that, I would preparesomething ahead of time, um,
like rehearsing it.
Even you know to say, yeah, thisis just not going to work for
us.
And if they keep pressing, youcould say you know, not able to
(27:56):
talk about it right now, I'mreally sorry, this is a struggle
for you.
Some of that, like, I'mcomfortable saying those things
because I speak with peopleabout hard things all day.
Other people may not feelcomfortable, so some people may
want to text.
Texting is a little bit easierway to back out of a situation.
(28:19):
I don't recommend it, but somepeople do what we call ghosting.
Right, I mean lots of ways toshift.
Um, I have had something likethat and I just had to say you
know, we're, we're going to dosomething different this year
and then that kind ofestablished a new way forward
(28:41):
for the family right and andit's honest.
Speaker 2 (28:44):
So you don't have to feel the guilt that you're you
know having to, maybe you knowtell a white lie or something
that you're you know having to.
Maybe you know tell a white lieor something.
Speaker 3 (28:50):
So you're being honest and you're still being
you know, right, yeah you don'thave to give all the information
, especially to someone whokeeps pressing you for the
information, because that to me,is a sign that they're not
going to really be able to hearit or understand it and be as
accepting of that.
(29:11):
And if that's the situationwith that particular group or
person, boundary setting issuper important.
Also another thing let's sayyou're in a situation where you
know, let's say, mom and dadhave all these people coming
over and you don't have muchcontrol over the guest list but
(29:32):
you want to make sure you makean appearance.
That's another thing to like,navigate and kind of plan out.
I know I'm not going to respondwell to this person's energy or
whatever I.
I know that I want to bepresent for my family, but I'm
(29:54):
I'm going to make sure I stay adistance and that's one way
people can navigate that Um.
Knowing topics you will notengage in Um and I'll give a
little story from my lifePolitics.
(30:16):
I am probably one of the fewpeople in my family that believe
like I do and I have a sea ofpeople who believe differently,
and so at the beginning therewas a lot of tension, you know,
when this started so many yearsago and I would be all reared up
and ready to go.
(30:36):
And what I learned is that'sjust like the antithesis of why
we get together.
Shortly after that, my mom gotreally sick.
Shortly after that, my mom gotreally sick.
We needed each other, we neededto work together and it became
so clear that having thepolitics talk was really harmful
(30:59):
to us.
So we had to learn when we'regetting on the slippery slope.
I have one sister in particularand we know we don't and we've
kind of like identified that weknow we can't talk about that
because we love each other.
(31:19):
That's why we are together as afamily and still getting
together.
And when you can connect to theheart and the, the intention
and the purpose of gettingtogether, make that what's your
priority.
Make that your priority.
When you do that, the all thisother stuff will will just fade
(31:39):
back really no, that's, that'swonderful advice.
Speaker 2 (31:43):
I mean because you know my question we already
passed through it was dealingwith certain family members or
friends that are like familyduring the holidays.
You know, because there'sduring family.
It's hard with families.
There's always going to bemaybe some tension, right?
So, like you said, either justavoiding certain topics, maybe
if you're not speaking, maybeit's just best to just say a
(32:05):
simple hello and then go engagewith others that are bringing
you joy at the moment, you knowyeah, and and you know, it's not
like you're not going to umengage with these people at all,
because there may be something.
Speaker 3 (32:20):
focus on what you do have in common, you know, and
focus on that, what brings youjoy that you want to share with
other people.
If you can really just kind ofdial into what's happening in
your body to using some of thesemind body tools and keep
yourself in a calm state, thatalso helps tremendously, because
(32:44):
now you're not in the fight orflight protective mode and if
you stay calm, then you can tapinto your happiness and share
that.
Speaker 2 (32:54):
Yeah, no, that's wonderful.
Thank you for sharing that.
That's really good advice.
So the topic is sort of be morepresent, right, and I know
again, we've touched on this inso many ways but maybe just how
can we be more present duringthe special moments and
occasions?
You know that, because thistime is only once a year.
You know, for many and you knowI know, people are just so busy
(33:16):
in their lives and they'regoing in so many different
directions and it's one daywhere, hopefully, everyone has
the day off work and they'reable to be with those that they
care about.
Speaker 3 (33:25):
Yeah, that's that's so importantly.
You know you can grab those.
We call them mindful moments.
Some people call them glimmers.
It's, the glimmer is anopposite of a trigger.
So there's something that liketriggers your stress, but
there's glimmers that help toput you in a state of calm.
(33:47):
So start to dial into that.
It could be a song, it could besomething that you see, you
could be in nature.
Give yourself that, even in thebusyness.
So on the days where I can'tbecause I'm an avid hiker and I
(34:08):
love being outside on the days Ihave to work inside all day, I
will go out at lunch or afterwork or in the morning, just to
grab the sunshine, you know,just to be present and in that
and see nature.
There may be a bird, there maybe a tree.
Something is going to light meup.
(34:30):
Learn what lights you up andget get into that.
You know, um, when you're doingwork, have your playlist.
I have like my morning playlistto get my motor going.
I have like that's great one tohelp calm me down.
I have fun tunes that help medancing.
(34:50):
If I've got chores to do, I putthat on.
My mom and dad would play polkamusic on Saturday chore day and
I was like now I get it.
Why the fuck they did it?
Because they didn't want tohear anybody squawking about
doing their chores.
Because we're all like upbeat,you know.
So use what you have, use whatyou know works for you being
(35:17):
mindful.
Some people will use thebreathing quieting, some people
just dialing into your body yoursensory shift, you know.
Oh, this thing is in, I'm inpain here.
That's adding to my stress, andsometimes with practice you can
(35:41):
melt off even pain with yourbreathing.
So there's lots of stuff thatyou can do.
Gratitude is another good one,just having at the end of the
day.
What am I grateful for today?
What happened, what went well,especially in the stressful
times?
Speaker 2 (36:00):
That's great.
That's great.
Yeah, dr thacker just did apodcast um for thanksgiving
about gratitude and the benefitsit can have on our physical and
mental health.
Speaker 3 (36:09):
Yes, yes, I know.
So if you can't, like I do, um,here's one other thing I do.
In those days uh, that aredifficult I may get like in the
shower every morning and I justgo, you know, and I just tap
into what's churning around, andthat happened for me after a
(36:32):
very painful loss.
And you wake up every morningand the reality is there again.
That person's not with us.
So I had to just again dial in,get to know what's happening in
your body, release it, theenergy can be released, and then
(36:54):
you shift.
Speaker 2 (36:55):
Breathe it out.
Breathe out that negativityyeah, and some people will do
this sort of thing.
Yeah, out that negativity yeah,and some people will do this
sort of thing.
So well, we just touched onthis or you did as well about
the holidays being challengingfor those, maybe, who have lost
loved ones, and do you have anytips for those going through
this?
You know type of difficultsituation this year.
Speaker 3 (37:17):
Yeah, first of all, I want, I just want to put it out
there that this year yeah,first of all, I want, I just
want to put it out there thatthere there really are no right
or wrong ways to do this.
Like, I'll give some ideas andthey may not fit for whoever's
listening, and that's okay.
Sometimes, grief, you know,will look different For some
(37:39):
people.
Speaker 2 (37:42):
grief you know will look different.
Speaker 3 (37:43):
For some people their grieving looks like staying
busy, yeah Right.
And other people they may bemore into feeling that and again
releasing the tears that comewith that.
So some ways that we can dosomething to mark this as,
(38:04):
especially if it's the firstholiday without somebody, is to
create what we call a verysimple ritual.
It can look like anything behaving a space at the table for
this person, if there's enoughchairs with maybe a flower or
(38:28):
something you know in there inthat place, a picture.
Some people have that set up intheir, in their living room or
dining room, like a little areawhere they've set that up as a
memorial.
Some people may have a specialprayer or a poem right at the
(38:48):
beginning of their meal toacknowledge that person.
Sometimes people will even justtell their memories of that
person, you know, and it happensvery naturally in some families
where they're talking aboutsomething and they'll bring up
so-and-so and then everybody'sstarting to share their story.
(39:10):
So it can happen all differentways.
It doesn't have to be formally,you know, put into place, um.
Another part of this is thatsometimes we don't know what to
say to to our um loved ones thatare grieving.
(39:30):
So just having that awarenessthat, um, they may struggle
sometimes if we don't sayanything and acknowledge you
know how are you doing with this.
They they may feel like nobodyreally cares.
So it's a very delicate balanceof things to say and things not
to say.
You certainly don't want to.
(39:51):
You would like to like.
It helps to avoid things thatmight trigger something for them
.
For example, he's in a betterplace now is one that you may
really believe that with yourfaith.
But a person's faith experiencecan get rocked to the core when
(40:11):
they lose somebody very special, and so you, if you're not
really sure if that's a valuethat they share, or maybe they
had to turn away from that for aperiod of time, I would not go.
So there are some things thatyou wouldn't want to say.
Some other things that reallyhelp is to have this awareness
(40:36):
that it can be helpful to bewith people and to accept
invitations.
So I recommend something calledthe ABCD method, which is to
accept invitations but also havebe a backup plan, because on
that day you may not feel up toit.
(40:58):
So put into place somethingdifferent Instead of being in an
environment where there's a lotof happy people.
That really may feeloverwhelming.
So have a backup plan foryourself If there's an
invitation, especially that youdon't think you're going to go
to, but accept the invitationbecause on that morning you may
(41:23):
feel okay with going and thatmight be the very thing you need
.
You just don't know.
So you don't want to closesomething out right away, so
accept the invitation, have abackup plan.
C is code word.
If you're going to one of theseevents with somebody and you
(41:46):
decide you need to leave, have acode word, like to give a high
sign that you've come to thepoint where you need to leave.
And that's really common, whereyou may want to leave within an
hour or, you know, shortlyafter dinner, just because it's
(42:09):
enough, you've arrived, you'veshared some time that felt good,
but then and then and that's itand you're done.
And so having that code word isimportant.
Or D drive separately, which,if you can do that, do that.
Speaker 2 (42:28):
Give yourself permission to come and go when,
when it's time, when you have itRight, yeah, and then it gives
you a little bit of that controland it doesn't feel maybe so
overwhelming to attend thatevent Right.
Speaker 3 (42:41):
Exactly.
Keep your expectations ofyourself very simple, you know.
Set small goals for yourself,especially with holiday prep as
well.
I often have heard I don't feellike putting up my tree or
Christmas decorations.
Okay, you know, just followthat.
If it doesn't feel right, don'tdo it.
(43:02):
Try not to isolate, though.
The isolation is what canreally make things very
difficult for you, and it's notgood to be completely alone 100%
of the time.
Know which people you feelcomfortable being with, because
they may not all feelcomfortable and I've had that
(43:25):
too where some people are likeno, this group is too much for
me right now, and that's okay.
It doesn't mean it's a foreverbreaking away from that group.
It just means right now andthen always continue to do your
self-care, whatever.
Like some of the things that wetalked about with stress
(43:46):
management is super important.
One other thing I didn'tmention yet and this is really
good to develop what I callcoping statements.
These are going to be likeanchors, and I have some
patients who write these down,carry them with them and use
them all the time.
(44:07):
Things like statements like Ican do hard things or it's okay
to take time to grieve yeah, Icontinue to go forward even when
I'm feeling overwhelmed.
So having some things like thatavailable to you can get you
(44:28):
through some really difficultsituations because it's going to
push back on the story.
Speaker 2 (44:33):
You're telling yourself Like this is too much,
I'm overwhelmed and you need tohave something handy and ready
to push back on some of thoseright thoughts right, because we
can really get in our headssometimes and I think that's a
really good tip just to kind oflook down at something positive
and enlightening that can maybejust snap you a little bit out
(44:54):
of that so those thoughts aren'tjust continuously circling.
Yes, yeah, well, before we wrapup, do you have any other last
minute tips or do you want toshare how our listeners could
get ahold of you if they'reinterested in making an
appointment with you at theCleveland Clinic?
Speaker 3 (45:12):
Oh, absolutely yes.
So the phone number for theCenter for Integrative and
Lifestyle Medicine is216-448-4325.
You can get messages to methrough that number as well.
I think just.
Lastly, the best advice is justto be flexible, to be open to
(45:38):
finding new solutions and justunderstanding that traditions
serve a purpose.
Go to the purpose.
What is the purpose If it's toincrease joy, joyful gatherings,
stay with the purpose of whyyou're getting together versus
(46:00):
what the tradition isnecessarily, and being willing
to be flexible most important.
Speaker 2 (46:06):
That's great.
Thank you so much for joiningus on the Speaking of Women's
Health podcast and thank you toour listeners for tuning in to
another episode of our podcast.
We're so grateful foreveryone's support and we hope
you will all consider supportingthe podcast by sharing it with
others and to catch the latestsubscribe for free on Apple
(46:28):
Podcasts, spotify, tunein orwherever you listen to podcasts.
So thank you again forlistening and happy holidays to
everybody and we'll see you nexttime in the Sunflower House.
Speaker 1 (46:39):
And we'll see you next time in the Sunflower House
.
Thanks so much, leigh.
Wasn't that just a fabulouspodcast in the Sunflower House?
Well, I'm your host and theexecutive director of Speaking
of Women's Health, dr HollyThacker, and thanks for joining
(47:00):
us for another episode ofSpeaking of Women's Health.
If you don't already subscribeto our free podcast, please hit
follow or subscribe for free.
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(47:24):
can hit the donate button onSpeaking of Women's Health and
don't forget to access our freetreatment guidebooks, our social
media, our recipes, ourbreaking health news.
You have been listening to theSpeaking of Women's Health
podcast.
Welcome to the Speaking of Women's Health
podcast.
I'm your host, dr Holly Thacker, and I'm back temporarily today
in the Sunflower House.
I love bringing these podcaststo you, my audience, who I adore
(00:22):
, and we're bringing you greatcontent from
speakingofwomenshealthcom.
But, as you may or may not know, not only am I the executive
director of Speaking of Women'sHealth, but I also direct our
Center for Specialized Women'sHealth and run a specialty
women's health fellowship, and Iwant to keep giving you, our
(00:44):
listeners, the best content thatwe have on our site.
And so I want to introduce ourwonderful executive producer of
the podcast, leigh Kleckar, andshe is behind the scenes and our
social media manager forSpeaking of Women's Health, and
she is going to guest podcast,including today.
(01:08):
So take it away, leigh.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
Welcome to the Speaking of Women's Health
podcast.
I'm your guest host, leighKlecker, the producer of the
podcast, and I'm so happy to beback in the Sunflower House for
this new podcast episode withMarita Pompiani.
I'm talking with Marita todayon the subject of how to
decrease stress and be presentfor the holiday season.
(01:36):
So first I'd like to share alittle bit about Marita's
professional background.
She is a clinical social workerand has worked with children,
adolescents and adults fromdiverse backgrounds in a variety
of treatment settings for 40years.
She currently is a holisticpsychotherapist in the Center
for Integrative and LifestyleMedicine at Cleveland Clinic and
(02:00):
, using a variety of treatmentapproaches, including cognitive,
behavioral and mind-bodytherapies, she assists patients
in the development of personaltools to manage different types
of stress and resolve conflict,navigate transitions and major
life changes, heal from traumaand address common problems.
(02:21):
So welcome, marita.
Thank you, it's good to be here.
Thanks for joining us.
You actually wrote a fantasticcolumn on our website,
speakingofwomenshealthcom lastyear called the Importance of
Self-Care and why Women Need toBe a Little Selfish, and I feel
that that topic really goeshands in hand with what we're
(02:43):
talking about today, about justtaking a step back and really
kind of prioritizing thingsduring the holiday season and
all year.
These are probably tips that wecan use all year long.
Speaker 3 (02:55):
Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (02:56):
Yes, so I love the first couple lines of your
column.
It said at various times in ourlives most of us have
experienced the steady, drip,drip, drip of stressful events,
until they get to the point ofoverwhelm and they're facing
extreme painful situations.
And women, often involved innumerous caregiving roles,
(03:17):
regularly overlook their ownwellness needs.
So I'm sure many of ourlisteners feel that way during
the holiday season.
So I'm glad we have you joiningus so you can share some of
these important tips for ourlisteners out there.
So let's start with sort of thevery basic.
Why is the holiday season sostressful for people and
(03:40):
especially women?
Speaker 3 (03:43):
Excellent question.
Obviously, there are so manystrains on our time and
resources during the holidayseason and even like now, in so
many situations where peoplehave a strain already.
Even when they're not in theholidays, they may be living
(04:05):
paycheck to paycheck.
They may be going through thesame routine every week to get
everything done and then startedall over at the beginning of
the following week, and itreally drains our energy, it
drains our enthusiasm for livingreally, and women especially,
(04:28):
in our society we have.
Not only do we take on some ofthese more caretaking roles,
oftentimes with elderly or ourchildren or other people in need
, there's also sometimes thissense of guilt that we're not
doing enough.
Or there's stories that we'vebeen telling ourselves for years
(04:51):
that our culture kind of pushesout there through the media
about the role of women and whatwe need to be doing.
So there's many reasons, and Ialso want to give a shout out to
men, because they also feel thestrain as well and that's
(05:12):
important.
So expectations are anotherstressor.
You know that.
What are we going to do?
How are we going to manage this?
This, because we've always doneit this way.
Speaker 2 (05:26):
Yeah, I agree, and I do think that's important that
you did do a shout out to themen I know a lot of.
You know husbands, partners aremore involved you know the last
you know nowadays than maybeyou know grandparents, parents,
so you know they do take on alot.
Speaker 3 (05:43):
I do think women do tend to take on more, though I
will say that as a mother and asa working mom.
So it depends on the individual, individual families.
Yeah, but absolutely yes.
Yes, it's the tendency.
Yeah, men, men look at thebigger picture.
I think Women are details andwe have to have things looking
(06:08):
just right, and it's just adifferent way of approaching it
Right, and then we tend to showour stress maybe more readily.
Men sometimes kind of hold thatin, so it's more apparent when
a woman is stressed versus a man.
Speaker 2 (06:26):
Yeah, and I think you made an important point too
about the social media.
I think a lot of people youknow if you're frequently on
there, you're looking whateveryone else is doing and sort
of comparing your own life andthat's just not healthy.
Speaker 3 (06:40):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (07:07):
Yeah, and that's newer to our society in the last
20 years, where that's been anissue that's added, versus more
traditional experiences of theholidays where we had more
homespun activities and we didthings that our families passed
on.
The traditions, yes, yeah,absolutely so.
Why don't we talk about someways for people to maybe limit
and deal with stress quickly?
So you know, we're gettingreally close to the holidays at
this point, so we don't havemonths to maybe, you know, go
back and prepare.
But what can they do now tohelp, you know, with this stress
(07:27):
?
Speaker 3 (07:28):
You know it's funny.
I remember when my kids werelittle we would have all this
tension and stress preparing togo to grandma's, and some of us
may have been like talkingloudly prior to arriving.
And then we get there and we'relike, okay, now we have to put
(07:49):
our happy face on right and thatis a real experience.
So, paying attention to thosethings, sometimes even ahead of
time and I know moms are good atthis because that was the role
I can't speak for dads but theplanning that goes into this,
(08:10):
like we are like 10 steps aheadof everybody else, because we
can see what's on the horizon,what we have to have done, what
this has to be in place, this,this, this.
So we do a really good job ofplanning, but sometimes we have
to do a good job of letting thatgo right and saying this is the
plan.
But you know, late informationfor some people, maybe some
(08:45):
people already know it, but justremembering that stress is the
result of a nervous systemreaction to a trigger, and so
this part of our brain that'sresponsible for our survival is
called the amygdala and it'sconstantly scanning your
environment for signs of dangeror distress.
And it's constantly scanningyour environment for signs of
(09:06):
danger or distress.
So when it's detected, it setsin motion a lot of physical
responses.
One of those is the secretionof adrenaline, which gives us
that energy to really have whatwe need to fight or flee for our
lives.
That's the purpose of that partof our nervous system.
(09:29):
When we understand that'swhat's going into play here, we
don't have to respond that way.
We can shut that down and makea shift.
So learning what your stressresponses are is really
important.
(09:53):
One of my first things that I dois I hold my breath and I have
tension in my belly.
So I've gotten to the point,lee, where I have learned.
When that happens, I can bringin some very simple breathing
techniques to take myself offthe stress cycle.
Basically and I don't even getinto the story about what it is,
because that's not as importantas attending to what's
(10:18):
happening here that's whatdrives our responses that
increase in blood flow, theadrenaline, our heart starts to
race, all of these things.
So get to know what yourphysical symptoms are so that
you can make a differentresponse that takes practice.
(10:39):
Yeah, it's not going to happenright away.
Some people will try somethingand say it didn't work, I'm not
going to do it.
It doesn't work, but it takestime.
So, breathing I'm going to tellyou a little bit about
breathing too.
Breathing the reason that we dothis breath, and I can stand up
and demonstrate that.
If that would be good, I'llshow you in a minute.
(11:01):
Most people, when they take adeep breath, they just suck in.
Everything gets sucked in,shoulders tighten and all of
that, and that's the opposite ofwhat our body needs to calm
down.
What we recommend, and what'sbeen found to be extremely
helpful, is expanding our bellyon the inhale.
(11:25):
So if you put your hands, andjust when you start to do this,
you put your hands on your bellyand you breathe out, push out
when you're breathing in, I'msorry, and then on the exhale.
Speaker 2 (11:39):
Sort of like a yoga breathing.
Speaker 3 (11:41):
Exactly, that's exactly it it is.
If you're familiar with yoga,people who are in music, who
sing, it's also called diaphragmbreathing.
Okay, the reason it's soeffective is because you're
pressing on your diaphragm,which has the vagus nerve
running through it.
So the vagus nerve is that oneof the biggest nerves in your
(12:03):
body.
It goes, goes through all yourorgans, your brain, your spinal
cord, and it puts into motionyour parasympathetic nervous
system response, which puts youin calm.
So you're activating the partof your nervous system that is
responsible to help you calmdown, system that is responsible
(12:29):
to help you calm down and shutsoff the other fight or flight
response, which is yoursympathetic nervous system.
Speaker 2 (12:32):
All of those words aren't necessarily important to
remember as much as thetechniques and so how many times
do we need to do that breath tosort of actually get that
result that you're talking about?
Speaker 3 (12:45):
yes, the more you do it, the to do that breath to
sort of actually get that resultthat you're talking about.
Yes, the more you do it, themore you're going to be training
your body and your mind, thisnew way of responding.
So when you, when I, work withpeople and demonstrate it, I'll
have them do it three to fourtimes, but you could do it a
little bit longer if you wanted.
(13:05):
Some people don't have thepatience for that, and that's
okay, don't worry about that.
I heard somebody say uh, he,when he first learned some of
these techniques, he can onlytolerate five seconds of doing
this, okay, well, and he and sojust know that that's the
process.
It it takes time, like I said,to train your system.
(13:28):
He was unable to tolerate eightseconds and extended that as he
went.
Speaker 2 (13:35):
And especially if you're like you used the example
you're on your way to grandma'sand you can feel yourself with
this heavy, this, you know heavyload, just even maybe a couple
breaths to start that, you know,in the car exactly shift yeah,
shift it, yeah, um, anotherthing you can do is just like
dial in what's happening, whatam I feeling, and this again
(13:58):
takes practice.
Speaker 3 (13:59):
But just paying attention, where is that tension
?
Ah, it's here.
I'm just going to envision thebreath coming in and melting it.
You know, just melting it offthe tension and releasing it.
And I'm doing it in thisinterview.
Uh, constantly, not constantly,but regularly, throughout my
(14:21):
whole day.
Speaker 2 (14:22):
It's a, it's a lifestyle, it really is yeah,
yeah, you know, I know sometimesI get very stubborn when I am
feeling stress and you use theperfect example, you know you
finally get, you know yourfamily in the car and you're,
you're feeling that, but like myhusband will say, well, what
can I do to help?
And I'm just, I'm like I can'teven receive that, you know,
(14:49):
right.
So it's's like you're right,you have to sort of completely
really work on this to changethat.
Go, okay, I will receive it andI'm also going to take care of
myself at this moment and do abreathing exercise or take a
quick walk or whatever, right?
Speaker 3 (14:57):
yes, yes, some people do.
You know you can do Googlesearches.
There's so many so I can giveyou a few here.
But there's there are so manyand you will know which ones
work for you and everybody Iwork with has different ones
they go to.
I worked with somebody who hada high anxiety and at work he
(15:18):
would go to the restroom and runhis wrists under cold water
because that helped him and coldice pack or water can help turn
down that stress response.
You know the stress response.
One of the symptoms isincreased body temperature.
(15:40):
So that is something to payattention to.
Speaker 2 (15:45):
Absolutely.
I know also a few of yourfellow colleagues have written
columns for Speaking of Women'sHealth.
I think there's one definitelyon breathing exercises and
different breathing exercisesand some other tips too, so we
can direct our listeners tospeakingofwomenshealthcom.
Speaker 3 (16:03):
Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (16:04):
Search for some of those under wellness.
Speaker 3 (16:06):
Yeah, one other one that you mentioned also was like
walking away, taking a pausereset, and that's been shown to
be really effective as well.
Speaker 2 (16:16):
Right, I can kind of see that working when you do get
to say grandma's or whatever,maybe get together you're at, or
if it's at your own home andeveryone's coming in and you
know there's a lot of noise anda lot of things, and you've got
things in the oven.
Go, you know what?
I will be right back.
Give me two minutes.
Speaker 3 (16:32):
Yes, and sometimes if I'm at somebody else's house, I
use the restroom Like I'll justexcuse myself and I use that
time and I've seen a movierecently where the person will
go and look right Actually, Ithink it was Ted Lasso, one of
the main characters Love thatshow, yeah, and kind of dials
into himself, yeah, and reallywhat you're doing is connecting
(16:57):
your mind and your body, you'regrounding in and when you do
that, you're turning off thestress cycle, yeah, which
includes repeated thoughts and astory like this always happens
why does she or why does he?
And so just recognize that youcan step out of that story that
you're telling yourself, becausethat adds to the stress, right
(17:19):
it?
Speaker 2 (17:19):
drives it Right, right.
So you talked a little bitabout this, about setting
realistic expectations, butmaybe we can dive a little bit
more into that and sort of walkus through maybe some of your
tips or steps of how we can setthose realistic expectations
going into the holiday season.
Speaker 3 (17:45):
Well, I think it's important to sit in preparation
for the holidays and a lot ofpeople probably do this to
identify what are all the thingsthat you expect to happen, what
are your expectations, what areyour family members
expectations.
Identify them and get getfamiliar with, even recognize.
Oh oh yeah, aunt Sally, thishas to be done, or whatever my
(18:11):
apologies to all the Sally's outthere but being sure that
you're aware of the list andthen setting your priorities.
Do you have, you know, a spouseor a partner?
You want to do that together,obviously, um, understanding you
(18:31):
might not get everything onyour wish list or expectation
list and yet you'll have to beflexible, but being really clear
about things that are reallyjust unreasonable, um, whether
it's your resource of financesor time or energy.
So I work with a lot of peoplewho have chronic illness and
(18:55):
they're grappling with their newself.
So they are in this differentspace of not having the energy
to tolerate.
All of that goes into thecleaning, the food, the shopping
, all of that.
So, being realistic about that.
Another thing I see familiesdoing, especially with so many
(19:17):
blended families we've got to goto, you know, on Christmas day.
We have to go here, here, hereand here.
And is that realistic really?
Is there an alternate plan thatyou can maybe rotate?
This year we'll go to thisone's house on Christmas, next
year we'll go to the next oneand then finding other days,
(19:38):
because with young children intow, that's really setting you
up for more stress if you aretaking them to places, place
that they don't have thebandwidth to tolerate that level
of stimulation and interaction.
So really being realistic aboutthat is super important.
Obviously, financially it iswhat it is, and if there are, if
(20:07):
there are not enough dollars toput into gift buying in the way
you want to, then you need tomake an alternate plan and be
okay with that and say this yearit's just not possible.
There may be people obviouslyyou have to take off your gift
giving list that you purchasedfor, but can you give a gift in
a different way, a gift of timeor even just a, a special card
(20:32):
with a message about, um, allthe things that make that person
really special to you?
So you can do alternate things.
Uh, it doesn't have to looklike it does for everybody on tv
or social media or wherever youknow, or even what you used to
do yeah, and that could be hard,you know, especially for my
(20:55):
teens.
Speaker 2 (20:56):
You know they don't want a stuffed animal anymore.
That could maybe cost tendollars, it's, you know
something, that's a hundred plusso it's like, okay, you might
only be getting one thing.
Then.
Speaker 1 (21:07):
You know there are multiple children in my family.
Speaker 2 (21:09):
Right, yeah, exactly.
Speaker 3 (21:11):
Or can you give money .
We've done this where, if youknow, I have a son who has very
expensive tastes.
Well, I'll give you $100towards that purchase.
Speaker 2 (21:21):
Yeah, that's a great idea Right, so you're keeping
within your budget Absolutely.
Speaker 3 (21:27):
But you know, and they probably love to get that
money anyway and so yeah, Iremember getting money for
Christmas and then I was like,oh good, this is, like you know,
fun money for whatever I want.
Speaker 2 (21:39):
So absolutely, yeah, well, those are great, great
tips.
Um, so we we're actuallysegwaying into the next question
, which is managing.
Managing gift giving, you knowwe talked a lot about that.
Maybe we could dive into alittle bit like if some people
haven't even started theirshopping yet.
It can be really stressful,Like or you forgot someone on
(22:02):
your list.
I've done that before.
Or I'm like you know I'll makemy list ahead of time of who I'm
buying for, and there was oneyear where I forgot someone very
important in my life justbecause I was stressed and busy.
Yeah.
So it was a last minute tryingto find something.
Speaker 3 (22:18):
Yeah, so some of the things that can be helpful in
that.
You know, obviously I've beenin that place.
I know exactly I might look uplike, if it's an out of town
person, I might go online and doa restaurant search to see what
are some good restaurants thatmatch their style of, you know,
dining out and then get anonline gift certificate which I
(22:42):
can share with them.
Gift cards are always availablein the grocery store, so it's
not always what people want toget for people, but if you
receive them, if you're thatsort of person that enjoys that,
it can be meaningful, again,paired with a nice message about
(23:03):
how important that person is toyou.
Last minute shopping so manydifferent ways to do that with
online again.
Or, you know, usually we wantto try to avoid the box stores
or, you know, because of thelines and all that, but
(23:24):
sometimes that is what we haveto end up doing if it's last
minute.
Right, that is what we have toend up doing if it's last minute
, right.
One other thing that I've doneover the years is I will pick up
lovely things that somebodyjust it'll make a good gift for
somebody, and to have a stash ofstuff like that at home is a
really good idea for thatsituation.
(23:45):
Or a bottle of wine, or a boxof candy or something.
Picking up some extra thingsjust for that purpose.
There's somebody I'm going toforget.
I'm going to get some extrasfor that, that's a great idea.
Speaker 2 (23:58):
Yeah, and even if you're going to someone's home
and you want to bring themsomething small as a thank you a
nice house, you know, or ahostess gift or host gift, yeah,
yes, great idea.
I love that.
Maybe I'll start myself alittle box here after the
Christmas and get some stuff onclearance too yes, exactly, I
have, I've, I have, you know,year-round I pick up stuff.
(24:22):
Yeah, that's great and that canreally help with that stress to
know that you can just go upthere maybe and grab something
and not have to worry aboutgoing out to a store and dealing
with a crowd and chaos.
Speaker 3 (24:32):
And one other thing.
I talked a little bit ago aboutthe stories we tell ourselves.
Pay attention to thatexpectation.
And is that realistic to expectthat of yourself?
And sometimes you're in a tightbind.
You're not going to be able tomeet that expectation right.
(24:53):
So being okay with that.
Speaker 2 (24:58):
Yeah, I have a question that just kind of
popped in my head because it'ssort of something that I'm
dealing with.
So if you know you've done acertain tradition every year, be
it maybe go to someone's homeor go somewhere and you've just
decided that's not the importantfor your family anymore, maybe
(25:19):
it's not bringing you joy orbringing everybody joy, you know
, but it's stressful to have totell, say, you know, joe, that
you know know we're not comingthis year, um, so I'm just
wondering how, like people cansort of do you have any tips on
handling that and you know,talking and having that
conversation, or how to handlethat, um, you know, with with
(25:41):
the person who you know you'reusually spending that time with?
Yeah, that's.
Speaker 3 (25:45):
That's such a good question, lee.
Um, and I imagine that's such agood question, lee, and I
imagine that's going to be areal issue, possibly this year,
since it was an election year.
So, understanding and coming tothat awareness with, again, if
(26:05):
you have a partner or a spousethat you do these things with,
if not, you can decide on yourown.
But, um, really getting clearabout what your intention for
the holiday is and if ourintention is to create joy,
(26:26):
create good, just really be withthe people that we're with, and
maybe, as we go throughdifferent times in our lives,
our inner circle changes and soour inner circle as we have
children and then they go on andhave their own children,
(26:48):
families cannot sustain all ofthe extended people that they
have.
So finding a different day tovisit with them, maybe in
January after the holidayssometimes people do that some
alternate ways If it's just nota good fit to continue that
(27:11):
relationship, that's anotherissue.
Really, just people address itlots of ways.
One way is to say you know what?
We have some other thingshappening right now, you know.
Obviously we can say we're verybusy this year for you know all
these other reasons, or noteven give reasons and just say
we're not able to get togetherthis year.
(27:33):
I'm really sorry, um, and andif that person wants to ask
about that, I would preparesomething ahead of time, um,
like rehearsing it.
Even you know to say, yeah, thisis just not going to work for
us.
And if they keep pressing, youcould say you know, not able to
(27:56):
talk about it right now, I'mreally sorry, this is a struggle
for you.
Some of that, like, I'mcomfortable saying those things
because I speak with peopleabout hard things all day.
Other people may not feelcomfortable, so some people may
want to text.
Texting is a little bit easierway to back out of a situation.
(28:19):
I don't recommend it, but somepeople do what we call ghosting.
Right, I mean lots of ways toshift.
Um, I have had something likethat and I just had to say you
know, we're, we're going to dosomething different this year
and then that kind ofestablished a new way forward
(28:41):
for the family right and andit's honest.
Speaker 2 (28:44):
So you don't have to feel the guilt that you're you
know having to, maybe you knowtell a white lie or something
that you're you know having to.
Maybe you know tell a white lieor something.
Speaker 3 (28:50):
So you're being honest and you're still being
you know, right, yeah you don'thave to give all the information
, especially to someone whokeeps pressing you for the
information, because that to me,is a sign that they're not
going to really be able to hearit or understand it and be as
accepting of that.
(29:11):
And if that's the situationwith that particular group or
person, boundary setting issuper important.
Also another thing let's sayyou're in a situation where you
know, let's say, mom and dadhave all these people coming
over and you don't have muchcontrol over the guest list but
(29:32):
you want to make sure you makean appearance.
That's another thing to like,navigate and kind of plan out.
I know I'm not going to respondwell to this person's energy or
whatever I.
I know that I want to bepresent for my family, but I'm
(29:54):
I'm going to make sure I stay adistance and that's one way
people can navigate that Um.
Knowing topics you will notengage in Um and I'll give a
little story from my lifePolitics.
(30:16):
I am probably one of the fewpeople in my family that believe
like I do and I have a sea ofpeople who believe differently,
and so at the beginning therewas a lot of tension, you know,
when this started so many yearsago and I would be all reared up
and ready to go.
(30:36):
And what I learned is that'sjust like the antithesis of why
we get together.
Shortly after that, my mom gotreally sick.
Shortly after that, my mom gotreally sick.
We needed each other, we neededto work together and it became
so clear that having thepolitics talk was really harmful
(30:59):
to us.
So we had to learn when we'regetting on the slippery slope.
I have one sister in particularand we know we don't and we've
kind of like identified that weknow we can't talk about that
because we love each other.
(31:19):
That's why we are together as afamily and still getting
together.
And when you can connect to theheart and the, the intention
and the purpose of gettingtogether, make that what's your
priority.
Make that your priority.
When you do that, the all thisother stuff will will just fade
(31:39):
back really no, that's, that'swonderful advice.
Speaker 2 (31:43):
I mean because you know my question we already
passed through it was dealingwith certain family members or
friends that are like familyduring the holidays.
You know, because there'sduring family.
It's hard with families.
There's always going to bemaybe some tension, right?
So, like you said, either justavoiding certain topics, maybe
if you're not speaking, maybeit's just best to just say a
(32:05):
simple hello and then go engagewith others that are bringing
you joy at the moment, you knowyeah, and and you know, it's not
like you're not going to umengage with these people at all,
because there may be something.
Speaker 3 (32:20):
focus on what you do have in common, you know, and
focus on that, what brings youjoy that you want to share with
other people.
If you can really just kind ofdial into what's happening in
your body to using some of thesemind body tools and keep
yourself in a calm state, thatalso helps tremendously, because
(32:44):
now you're not in the fight orflight protective mode and if
you stay calm, then you can tapinto your happiness and share
that.
Speaker 2 (32:54):
Yeah, no, that's wonderful.
Thank you for sharing that.
That's really good advice.
So the topic is sort of be morepresent, right, and I know
again, we've touched on this inso many ways but maybe just how
can we be more present duringthe special moments and
occasions?
You know that, because thistime is only once a year.
You know, for many and you knowI know, people are just so busy
(33:16):
in their lives and they'regoing in so many different
directions and it's one daywhere, hopefully, everyone has
the day off work and they'reable to be with those that they
care about.
Speaker 3 (33:25):
Yeah, that's that's so importantly.
You know you can grab those.
We call them mindful moments.
Some people call them glimmers.
It's, the glimmer is anopposite of a trigger.
So there's something that liketriggers your stress, but
there's glimmers that help toput you in a state of calm.
(33:47):
So start to dial into that.
It could be a song, it could besomething that you see, you
could be in nature.
Give yourself that, even in thebusyness.
So on the days where I can'tbecause I'm an avid hiker and I
(34:08):
love being outside on the days Ihave to work inside all day, I
will go out at lunch or afterwork or in the morning, just to
grab the sunshine, you know,just to be present and in that
and see nature.
There may be a bird, there maybe a tree.
Something is going to light meup.
(34:30):
Learn what lights you up andget get into that.
You know, um, when you're doingwork, have your playlist.
I have like my morning playlistto get my motor going.
I have like that's great one tohelp calm me down.
I have fun tunes that help medancing.
(34:50):
If I've got chores to do, I putthat on.
My mom and dad would play polkamusic on Saturday chore day and
I was like now I get it.
Why the fuck they did it?
Because they didn't want tohear anybody squawking about
doing their chores.
Because we're all like upbeat,you know.
So use what you have, use whatyou know works for you being
(35:17):
mindful.
Some people will use thebreathing quieting, some people
just dialing into your body yoursensory shift, you know.
Oh, this thing is in, I'm inpain here.
That's adding to my stress, andsometimes with practice you can
(35:41):
melt off even pain with yourbreathing.
So there's lots of stuff thatyou can do.
Gratitude is another good one,just having at the end of the
day.
What am I grateful for today?
What happened, what went well,especially in the stressful
times?
Speaker 2 (36:00):
That's great.
That's great.
Yeah, dr thacker just did apodcast um for thanksgiving
about gratitude and the benefitsit can have on our physical and
mental health.
Speaker 3 (36:09):
Yes, yes, I know.
So if you can't, like I do, um,here's one other thing I do.
In those days uh, that aredifficult I may get like in the
shower every morning and I justgo, you know, and I just tap
into what's churning around, andthat happened for me after a
(36:32):
very painful loss.
And you wake up every morningand the reality is there again.
That person's not with us.
So I had to just again dial in,get to know what's happening in
your body, release it, theenergy can be released, and then
(36:54):
you shift.
Speaker 2 (36:55):
Breathe it out.
Breathe out that negativityyeah, and some people will do
this sort of thing.
Yeah, out that negativity yeah,and some people will do this
sort of thing.
So well, we just touched onthis or you did as well about
the holidays being challengingfor those, maybe, who have lost
loved ones, and do you have anytips for those going through
this?
You know type of difficultsituation this year.
Speaker 3 (37:17):
Yeah, first of all, I want, I just want to put it out
there that this year yeah,first of all, I want, I just
want to put it out there thatthere there really are no right
or wrong ways to do this.
Like, I'll give some ideas andthey may not fit for whoever's
listening, and that's okay.
Sometimes, grief, you know,will look different For some
(37:39):
people.
Speaker 2 (37:42):
grief you know will look different.
Speaker 3 (37:43):
For some people their grieving looks like staying
busy, yeah Right.
And other people they may bemore into feeling that and again
releasing the tears that comewith that.
So some ways that we can dosomething to mark this as,
(38:04):
especially if it's the firstholiday without somebody, is to
create what we call a verysimple ritual.
It can look like anything behaving a space at the table for
this person, if there's enoughchairs with maybe a flower or
(38:28):
something you know in there inthat place, a picture.
Some people have that set up intheir, in their living room or
dining room, like a little areawhere they've set that up as a
memorial.
Some people may have a specialprayer or a poem right at the
(38:48):
beginning of their meal toacknowledge that person.
Sometimes people will even justtell their memories of that
person, you know, and it happensvery naturally in some families
where they're talking aboutsomething and they'll bring up
so-and-so and then everybody'sstarting to share their story.
(39:10):
So it can happen all differentways.
It doesn't have to be formally,you know, put into place, um.
Another part of this is thatsometimes we don't know what to
say to to our um loved ones thatare grieving.
(39:30):
So just having that awarenessthat, um, they may struggle
sometimes if we don't sayanything and acknowledge you
know how are you doing with this.
They they may feel like nobodyreally cares.
So it's a very delicate balanceof things to say and things not
to say.
You certainly don't want to.
(39:51):
You would like to like.
It helps to avoid things thatmight trigger something for them
.
For example, he's in a betterplace now is one that you may
really believe that with yourfaith.
But a person's faith experiencecan get rocked to the core when
(40:11):
they lose somebody very special, and so you, if you're not
really sure if that's a valuethat they share, or maybe they
had to turn away from that for aperiod of time, I would not go.
So there are some things thatyou wouldn't want to say.
Some other things that reallyhelp is to have this awareness
(40:36):
that it can be helpful to bewith people and to accept
invitations.
So I recommend something calledthe ABCD method, which is to
accept invitations but also havebe a backup plan, because on
that day you may not feel up toit.
(40:58):
So put into place somethingdifferent Instead of being in an
environment where there's a lotof happy people.
That really may feeloverwhelming.
So have a backup plan foryourself If there's an
invitation, especially that youdon't think you're going to go
to, but accept the invitationbecause on that morning you may
(41:23):
feel okay with going and thatmight be the very thing you need
.
You just don't know.
So you don't want to closesomething out right away, so
accept the invitation, have abackup plan.
C is code word.
If you're going to one of theseevents with somebody and you
(41:46):
decide you need to leave, have acode word, like to give a high
sign that you've come to thepoint where you need to leave.
And that's really common, whereyou may want to leave within an
hour or, you know, shortlyafter dinner, just because it's
(42:09):
enough, you've arrived, you'veshared some time that felt good,
but then and then and that's itand you're done.
And so having that code word isimportant.
Or D drive separately, which,if you can do that, do that.
Speaker 2 (42:28):
Give yourself permission to come and go when,
when it's time, when you have itRight, yeah, and then it gives
you a little bit of that controland it doesn't feel maybe so
overwhelming to attend thatevent Right.
Speaker 3 (42:41):
Exactly.
Keep your expectations ofyourself very simple, you know.
Set small goals for yourself,especially with holiday prep as
well.
I often have heard I don't feellike putting up my tree or
Christmas decorations.
Okay, you know, just followthat.
If it doesn't feel right, don'tdo it.
(43:02):
Try not to isolate, though.
The isolation is what canreally make things very
difficult for you, and it's notgood to be completely alone 100%
of the time.
Know which people you feelcomfortable being with, because
they may not all feelcomfortable and I've had that
(43:25):
too where some people are likeno, this group is too much for
me right now, and that's okay.
It doesn't mean it's a foreverbreaking away from that group.
It just means right now andthen always continue to do your
self-care, whatever.
Like some of the things that wetalked about with stress
(43:46):
management is super important.
One other thing I didn'tmention yet and this is really
good to develop what I callcoping statements.
These are going to be likeanchors, and I have some
patients who write these down,carry them with them and use
them all the time.
(44:07):
Things like statements like Ican do hard things or it's okay
to take time to grieve yeah, Icontinue to go forward even when
I'm feeling overwhelmed.
So having some things like thatavailable to you can get you
(44:28):
through some really difficultsituations because it's going to
push back on the story.
Speaker 2 (44:33):
You're telling yourself Like this is too much,
I'm overwhelmed and you need tohave something handy and ready
to push back on some of thoseright thoughts right, because we
can really get in our headssometimes and I think that's a
really good tip just to kind oflook down at something positive
and enlightening that can maybejust snap you a little bit out
(44:54):
of that so those thoughts aren'tjust continuously circling.
Yes, yeah, well, before we wrapup, do you have any other last
minute tips or do you want toshare how our listeners could
get ahold of you if they'reinterested in making an
appointment with you at theCleveland Clinic?
Speaker 3 (45:12):
Oh, absolutely yes.
So the phone number for theCenter for Integrative and
Lifestyle Medicine is216-448-4325.
You can get messages to methrough that number as well.
I think just.
Lastly, the best advice is justto be flexible, to be open to
(45:38):
finding new solutions and justunderstanding that traditions
serve a purpose.
Go to the purpose.
What is the purpose If it's toincrease joy, joyful gatherings,
stay with the purpose of whyyou're getting together versus
(46:00):
what the tradition isnecessarily, and being willing
to be flexible most important.
Speaker 2 (46:06):
That's great.
Thank you so much for joiningus on the Speaking of Women's
Health podcast and thank you toour listeners for tuning in to
another episode of our podcast.
We're so grateful foreveryone's support and we hope
you will all consider supportingthe podcast by sharing it with
others and to catch the latestsubscribe for free on Apple
(46:28):
Podcasts, spotify, tunein orwherever you listen to podcasts.
So thank you again forlistening and happy holidays to
everybody and we'll see you nexttime in the Sunflower House.
Speaker 1 (46:39):
And we'll see you next time in the Sunflower House
.
Thanks so much, leigh.
Wasn't that just a fabulouspodcast in the Sunflower House?
Well, I'm your host and theexecutive director of Speaking
of Women's Health, dr HollyThacker, and thanks for joining
(47:00):
us for another episode ofSpeaking of Women's Health.
If you don't already subscribeto our free podcast, please hit
follow or subscribe for free.
Wherever you listen to podcastor catch us on Rumble, look for
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And if you appreciate all thisgreat information we give you to
empower you to be strong, behealthy and be in charge, you
(47:24):
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