July 7, 2025 • 35 mins
In this episode, Jules and Michelle dive into the crucial topic of setting new standards for yourself after 40. They explore how to move beyond survival mode and fear-based decision making that may have served you in your younger years, but no longer align with the woman you've become. The hosts share personal stories about professional burnout, lifestyle upgrades, emotional boundaries, and the importance of choosing yourself without needing consensus from others. This conversation is all about recognizing your worth, protecting your energy, and creating intentional standards that support the spicy, empowered woman you are in midlife.
Questions Answered in This Episode:
- Do the standards you currently have align with the woman you are now, or the girl you used to be?
- How can you recognize and address professional burnout while still pursuing meaningful work?
- What's the difference between healthy ambition and overextending yourself to prove your worth?
- How do you upgrade your lifestyle standards to prioritize joy and intentionality?
- Why is it crucial to stop entertaining chaos and drama in your relationships?
- How can you set boundaries with energy-draining people without feeling guilty?
- What does it mean to communicate with grace while still being direct and honest?
- How do you set standards for how others are allowed to speak to you?
- Why don't you need consensus or approval from others to choose yourself?
- How can you learn to trust your gut instincts when making important life decisions?
- What's the difference between bouncing ideas off trusted people versus seeking validation?
- How do you handle judgment from others when you're making bold life changes?
Are you ready to take your "spiciness" to the next level?!
Connect with Julee & Michele on Instagram @spicy_midlife_women and send a DM about what resonated most during this episode so they can encourage you with steps forward in your own life.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, all you spicy women out there, it's Michelle
and Jules here.
We are your spicy ladies fromthe Northwest Seattle Washington
, and we're here to share ourstories with you and have these
no BS conversations.
Right, Michelle?
That's right.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
We're here to help all you midlife women redefine
your relationships, ditch thosetoxic cycles and reclaim your
power, one episode at a time.
So let's get into it.
Let's get into it so today.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
What's the topic, michelle?
Speaker 2 (00:29):
We are setting standards.
Yeah Right, new standards Forafter 40.
That's right.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
That's us Now.
One might think we're speakingabout romantic standards here.
Nope, but no.
Well, I mean, I guess it couldapply Maybe.
But really what we wanted to doearly on is kind of talk about
the standards just in general,just evaluating what your
standards are, because I bet youwe don't really think about
that too much.
(00:56):
People talk about expectationsa lot, but expectations and
standards are two very differentthings.
Speaker 2 (01:17):
And we can talk about that a little bit more too, and
we'll get into this, butkeeping it, even with what you
know, right, what wisdom youhave gained through the
experiences that have broughtyou to that midlife point, right
, not based on so much of yourpast, right?
Speaker 1 (01:38):
If that makes sense.
Yeah, I think that is what wejust naturally as humans have a
tendency to do.
Oh, for sure, I know I did.
Yeah, especially with traumathings that happen with you know
traumatic things in our life orthings where we've been
humiliated or where we've reallymissed the boat on something
you know it's.
The trauma can reallyovershadow.
Speaker 2 (01:58):
Let me just.
Let me just take another drinkthere, as you're talking about
that she's clearly this isresonating with her right.
Speaker 1 (02:07):
Anyway, you know we're not operating from or at
least we.
I shouldn't say we aren't,because some of you might be
operating from survival or fearor you know, that place where
you're not really superconfident in your decisions and
worrying about what will theythink, what will my family think
, what will my family think,what will my friends think?
You know when you're makingdecisions.
(02:27):
So there's all of us atdifferent stages, I think of
this.
But when we're talking aboutsetting your standards, I think
it's really important to havethese conversations with
ourselves and really kind ofdefine it, because my venturing
guess is and I can speak from myown experience I hadn't really
done that, I didn't reallydefine that, I thought I had,
(02:48):
but I'd never really discussedit.
Speaker 2 (02:50):
Isn't it interesting how I'm just listening to you
talk about this and Jules and Iwe're past 40, right, we're on a
little bit into midlife, whichis part of the reason we are
spicy.
We can look back and see whatwe've learned from our
experiences, what brought usthrough things that we've gained
(03:12):
you know how we've been able toexactly get through those
things, but you were justtalking about the survival in
fear and operating from thosethings.
That was me 100%.
I was totally operating fromsurvival mode and fear, and what
(03:32):
will my family think?
And the expectations that youbring into your life from your
past which have to do with howyou were raised, and different
things like that which have todo with how you were raised, and
different things like that.
And then you're so you can beso busy with whether it's
raising a family or climbing thecorporate ladder or doing both
(03:53):
of those things.
Right, you know, building justthat clarity for me, anyways,
didn't come until beyond that.
Speaker 1 (04:02):
Yeah, I think that's when we both were able to kind
of take a deep breath and gookay, what is?
What is this mean?
Where?
Am I now, is this what it'ssupposed to?
Be right, because it was just amatter of really.
When I say survival, it's notlike physical survival, it's
like mentally surviving andtrying to be everything for the
(04:23):
people that were around you.
Speaker 2 (04:24):
I call it the superwoman syndrome.
We've talked about that.
Speaker 1 (04:27):
Yeah, where there's just nothing left.
Yeah, you know, you just don'thave a lot left, and so that's
not a good place to be.
But I mean you could hear me goon for days about societal
expectations and things that Ithink are placed on women in
general.
Men too.
I mean men have other types ofexpectations that are placed on
them within society, but I thinkthere's a lot of things that we
(04:48):
hold on to or that we have been, we've been taught or have been
drummed into our heads, youknow, by the generations before
us, yeah, who've had it, youknow, shoved down their throat,
I guess.
Yeah, yeah, you know yeah.
Speaker 2 (05:03):
So I'm excited to talk about some of these things
because, you know, I think ifyou're in midlife, truly midlife
you know what is midlife.
We talk about 40 and beyond,right?
So, and that's the age that I'mtalking about, when you're, you
know, survival mode and goingthrough fear and figuring a lot
(05:23):
of shit out, right.
So, anyways, excited to talk.
We're going to talk about someof these standards that we're
speaking of, whether it'slifestyle standards, emotional
standards, communicationstandards.
We're going to get a little bitinto all of those things to just
help all you midlife women beable to better recognize where
(05:43):
you're at yourself and what youcan do differently.
Speaker 1 (05:47):
Exactly, yeah.
So going back to this, settingthe standards initially when
we're starting about this.
The question I want you all toask yourself is does the
standard that I set, or thesestandards that I set for myself,
apply to me now, as a grownwoman, the same way, or are they
for the girl that I used to be?
(06:08):
I love that.
Well, it's kind of really deep.
It is very deep when I thinkabout that.
I'm like okay, the person that Iwas is not the same person I am
now.
Have I evolved?
Have my standards evolved withme?
Yes, and I would say honestly,no, they had not Really Earlier
on Earlier on, I feel like nowI've embraced things more but
I've also done the work to thinkabout it and talk about it and
(06:31):
all that kind of stuff, whereasI just hadn't.
So I mean, I think I'm all thatand a bag of chips, but really
I wasn't.
I was not.
I was really kind of you know,yeah, I like that.
(07:05):
I was not.
I like that, the standard.
I should say ask yourself, dothe standards you have now align
with the woman you are now, orthe woman that you want to
become, or do they align withthe person that you used to be,
yeah, and or the person that youwere trying to maybe leave in
the in your distant memory tosome degree, not that it wasn't
(07:37):
important, absolutely, it's allnot, oh my gosh it all matters,
it's all part to know that andunderstand it, so that you are
able to, you know, recognize thestandards in which you want to
continue with Right yeah.
So.
So bullet number two if we'retalking about setting our
standards here are professional.
(07:59):
I wanted to talk aboutprofessional standards now.
Burnout is a big thing.
Standards now, burnout is a bigthing, and it's something that
I feel like is more prevalentthan we probably give it credit
for, generationally, I think.
Speaker 2 (08:10):
When you're talking about being over 40, a lot of
this is the hustle you know, andI am notorious for this, yeah,
I love the hustle yeah almost tothe point of yeah, I'm, you
still do oh my god, I love thehustle yeah and that's.
Speaker 1 (08:23):
but see, I'm not at that place where I'm really I
like my inner peace, and butpart of my inner peace is the
you still do divorced and reallytrying to be successful and on
my own terms and in the way thatmade sense to me.
(08:47):
So, but I've always been thatway, and so it's not that
hustle's bad by any stretch ofthe imagination, but glorifying
things that have to do withhustle, they really do maybe
take away from what it is thatis bringing you your peace or
the use of your time.
You know how you use your time.
(09:07):
What's important to you inregard to pay, it's like, is it
making so much money but beingmiserable at what you do?
Speaker 2 (09:15):
Right Peace has got to be a big part of that too,
right, Setting the standardsabout, just like you were saying
, your pay, but then alsothere's your peace and your time
.
But then also there's yourpeace and your time, all of
those things that play into that.
Speaker 1 (09:28):
Yeah, I was talking with someone yesterday about a
job that he was consideringgoing back to, and the benefits
were really good in this job,right.
He hated it, though, and thepay was good, but he hated it
and it goes back to this wholething.
I can't with that anymore.
I just was like why in theworld would you even consider
(09:51):
something like that?
No, there's so many otheravenues that you can go down
where you are going, to enjoywhat you're doing.
Maybe you're not making exactlythe same amount of money, but
you're happy at what you'redoing.
It's like because I really feellike going to work should not
feel like going to work.
Yeah, I mean, when I go to work, I don't feel like I'm going to
work.
Speaker 2 (10:02):
Should not feel like going to work.
Speaker 1 (10:03):
I mean, when I go to work I don't feel like I'm going
to work.
I feel like I'm excited to goto work because I enjoy what I'm
doing Not every day, obviously,but for the most part.
So, really kind of evaluatingyour professional standards and
saying am I overextending myself?
Is this something that I havedone in order to prove my worth,
and am I doing that in acorporate ladder setting?
(10:24):
Am I doing that in a companywhere I want to, you know, be
embraced in a more leadershiptype role?
There's going to be alldifferent components to that and
in some respects, you know,more power to you as you're kind
of growing into whatever jobyou have or you're, you know,
kind of evolving into somethingelse.
Speaker 2 (10:44):
Remember that there's always going to be benefits,
but there's also detriments, Ithink that the key part to that,
what we were just saying is isdon't overextend yourself, right
?
Because I think you know, forme I was just thinking about
myself.
I totally used to do that tofeel my self-worth.
That's where I was putting.
I was pouring everything intothe career, right, made me feel
(11:07):
good doing all those things,climbing the corporate ladder,
but I was sacrificing a lot as aresult and because I had a lot
going on personally that Ididn't want to deal with, which
is why I was doing that Right.
So, recognizing the you know,the things behind it that are
going along with that, and evennow I started a new career three
(11:30):
years ago and I stilloverextend I'm just that's the
nature of who I am andoverextending to feel my worth,
that's kind of part of it.
But even in the last threeyears, I've learned to balance
that and, even though I kind ofthrive on that and I do that, I
have learned to have a betterbalance with those things and I
(11:53):
still feel the self-worth, eventhough I'm balancing it and not
overextending myself.
So you know, being able torecognize when that's happening
is super important and you'vegot to set so the standards for
yourself with regard to that.
Speaker 1 (12:07):
Well, I think, from an early on stage too, is like
you're probably not going towork for a company that is
requiring a lot of those thingsfrom you.
Speaker 2 (12:16):
You know, like there's a company called amazon,
you know yeah that is, andthere's they employ a lot of
people, right, I don't work forthem and I overextend myself
with Amazon.
Speaker 1 (12:26):
Well, they're notorious.
They're notorious for burningout their employees.
Now, I don't know if that'sstill the case, but I know a lot
of people that work for Amazonand it's definitely something
that's out there.
You work your ass off.
It's like you're climbing.
Whatever You're moving from onedepartment to the other, you're
getting stock options.
Whatever you're moving from onedepartment to the other, you're
getting stock options.
There's all kinds of things thatare drawing people in related
(12:47):
to money, related to power, allthose things, and you know
innovativeness, obviously, andthe creativity that goes along
with it.
But at the end of the day, it'slike these people a lot of them
are working insane hours,insane.
And yeah, their kids are youngand they're not.
Speaker 2 (13:03):
We're speaking from the choir right, because we did
the same thing.
We did that.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
Yeah, but it's something where, as you've kind
of gotten to that place in yourlife where you've maybe been
through those stages and you'relike, yeah, been there, done
that, not going to do thatanymore Learned from it, or
you're going to pick and choosethe things that you really want
to do, that you're going toinvest your time in, and maybe
it's not going to be sofinancially fulfilling, but it
(13:29):
might be fulfilling to yourheart, you know.
Maybe it's volunteering, maybeit's something else that's not
related to work.
Speaker 2 (13:36):
Well, and I think, too, that kind of you know kind
of brings us into this nextstandard I want to talk about,
which is lifestyle Right,perfect, with some of the things
you were just talking about.
I think it's important to raisethe bar on how you are living
right, and being able torecognize what some of those
(13:56):
things are.
Yeah, is definitely part ofthat in regard to lifestyle and
balancing.
There's another flip on that,though, too, with lifestyle
right.
Do you know what I'm thinking?
It's just how you look inregard to lifestyle.
Speaker 1 (14:14):
Like in terms of your complexion or like how you
dress.
Speaker 2 (14:18):
Yeah, just like a lot of those things Skincare
there's that it doesn't justhave to be about all those
things that come into play thatwe hear so much about in midlife
, those exterior things.
I guess, if you will For me,and I think maybe for you too, I
(14:38):
don't know speak up if not, butmidlife and going be able to
feel joy and what brings me joy,being able to be intentional
about the things that I do, thefreedom that I choose to have to
(15:02):
be able to do some of thosethings, how I'm living, the
environments that I choose tohave myself in, the habits, the
daily rituals, that shit changeda lot for me in midlife.
Speaker 1 (15:16):
Do you think it comes back to not having the other
responsibilities, so you feellike you had more.
It's like staring you in theface.
You had more opportunity andtime to focus on what was good
for you.
Speaker 2 (15:31):
For me it was just about this whole self-discovery,
all of the things that I didn'tknow were inside me that slowly
started to come about, and Ipaid attention to that and gave
time to some of those things andI just ran with it.
(15:54):
I, I ran with it.
I really did, and and a lot ofit was so differently than how I
was living my life before.
Speaker 1 (16:02):
It was like this whole new, it was like a whole
other world do you feel likesome of the the time I don't
know how you were feeling aboutit, but some of the time prior
to like and divorce, is the timeframe really for me that a lot
of this transition?
Speaker 2 (16:14):
Me too, because I feel like I was doing a lot of
treading water.
Speaker 1 (16:17):
Yes, and I didn't take the time, you know, for
really any of this kind of stuffright Joy, freedom, intent.
Everything was based around mykids making sure that they had
what they needed, making surethat they were getting the
experiences.
And whether I did that well ornot, who knows, you know, you
could ask them.
They'd probably give you mixedanswers.
You do the best you can as aparent, yeah, but you're right,
(16:40):
it's like kind of upgrading yourenvironment and it is something
that you just realize wow, thisis something I totally can do.
Or the people that you'respending time with.
You know who you're investingyour energy and your time in.
It's like if you're investingyour energy and time in people
(17:01):
who are sucking the life out ofyou, you're not necessarily
gaining anything from thoserelationships.
Speaker 2 (17:05):
And when I vividly remember, recognizing that and
like I'm out, I am out.
Just so you know, without goinginto too much detail, I'm like
just so you know, I am leavingthis place, that I'm living, I'm
bringing this with me and noneof this is coming with me.
I, like set some seriousboundaries.
I moved on and that is when Istarted paying attention to
(17:30):
things that I craved, that Inever allowed myself to give
time to Something as little asdrinking coffee in bed.
I remember once I did that.
I was moving on.
I had a coffee maker and I setit up and people listening if
you've not done this, ladies,you should try it.
I put the coffee maker in myroom next to my bed.
(17:54):
The, the kind that has the timer, yeah, right, so it would like
oh, the smell would yes, oh mygosh, it would start brewing in
the morning and that's what Iwould wake up to oh my god,
that's a great idea the pot wasright there.
I would like pour my coffee andhave it right there in my room,
or two no, I had to go, I hadto get up and get that, but I
woke up to the brewing of thecoffee.
(18:14):
The smell of the coffee wasright there in my room.
Did you have cream or two?
No, I had to go.
I had to get up and get that,but I woke up to the brewing of
the coffee.
The smell of the coffee wasright there in my room.
It was amazing.
Speaker 1 (18:18):
Because now, okay, let me ask you this Prior to
that, when you were saying, youknow, you really kind of evolved
and made some changes, andthings and realized the things
that you were craving when youstarted making those changes and
putting those boundaries up.
How did the people in yourcircle or your life respond?
Speaker 2 (18:35):
I.
I mean, it was like I there waslike a trail.
There was like a trail of ofcircumstances.
That that was, you know, likebehind me, and it's not like I
was like leaving it in the dustbecause you can't.
There's there's still a lot ofthings that you have to pay
attention to, but that's thething is, when you set the
boundaries for yourself and beintentional about what that
(19:01):
looks like and what it is that'sbringing you joy so that you
can keep yourself.
I mean, we've all heard the termkeeping your cup full.
It's definitely true.
Doing the things that willcontinue to keep you going, that
will fuel your fire.
To do that, it gives you more asense of self and therefore,
(19:25):
being able to look at that trail.
I'm using that as that, myanalogy.
You know, you've got this trailof things that is happening,
but you have the ability tobetter pay attention and be more
level-headed with regard towhat you need to do.
So, but the key part there iskeeping your cup full and doing
(19:50):
the things that bring you joyand being able to recognize that
so that you are able to takecare of other things that maybe
aren't so pleasant.
Speaker 1 (19:59):
Right, so you have that wherewithal to do it.
The boundaries thing I'venoticed too.
I have done a lot of thatboundary setting with people,
who, people, or even activitiesand things that I've done them
for other people, yeah, or Ihave, you know, put the energy
in because it was important tosomebody else.
(20:21):
I don't think that's wrong todo.
I think it's important that thepeople that are in your life
know that you're going to showup for them, even if it's not
something you're dying to doSure you know, but not to the
point where you're kind ofovershadowed by the things that
are happening around you or thepeople that are happening around
you.
Like you're, like you'reabsorbing their life.
Speaker 2 (20:38):
That's crazy.
You do not have to entertainchaos.
No, you do not, and that has to.
That kind of brings us intoemotional standards.
Speaker 1 (20:47):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (20:48):
And not being clear on that, not entertaining chaos.
That's a big one for me.
Speaker 1 (20:54):
I kind of feel like I have been the chaos, I was the
chaos.
I mean we've all been the chaos.
I mean, in truth, we've allbeen.
I mean to the point where I Imean, there were periods of time
and again this is probably Iremember so specifically around
the same time that I had gonethrough the divorce and there's
a lot of stuff going on with mykids and everything.
I was in such a bad place.
(21:15):
You know that I feel likeanybody that I was around would
probably run away from me, but Iguess the key is that I
recognized that I did the same,yeah, same.
Yeah, I just was trying my bestto keep my head above water and
be positive and everything, butit wasn't always working, yeah,
and so you feel like you'rewearing a mask a lot of the time
.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
I think it's even more so important at that time
to recognize what is going tofill you.
Back to that because of whatyou just said, because I
remember that too, when I wasgoing through all the turbulent
things, I mean I probably I wasthe chaos.
Yeah, I'm glad you said thatbecause it's true.
(21:57):
But then once you move throughthat and you're getting through
and you're learning, you'resetting standards, making
boundaries and doing all thosethings.
That's where you've learned.
It's all part of the journey.
You've learned and you've comethrough all that, and now I
don't have to entertain itanymore.
I don't have to be it becauseI'm not entertaining it it's so
(22:17):
it's.
Speaker 1 (22:18):
It's interesting because I have I have watched
you do this before.
Yeah, with people that arearound that you're like, you're
very friendly and you're you'renice to people, you're always
kind.
I've never run across thesituation where we've actually
had there's actually been peopleis that they don't like
michelle because they just don'tlike her.
And I'm looking and I'm goingwhy I mean she's like the
easiest, most likable personever.
(22:39):
Maybe you're the problem, youknow, is what I've thought.
But anyway, that's it.
Speaker 2 (22:43):
That's a different story you're talking about, and
it's because I don't entertainbecause you didn't entertain it.
I think that's what it was andand so that might make some
people uncomfortable, that'sthat's okay, because I don't
want that shit in my life.
So setting those boundaries itmight cause some things like
that.
But if it's going to be whatbrings you peace, that's okay.
Speaker 1 (23:03):
So do you think that setting boundaries can be viewed
by some as being selfish?
I mean sure, yeah, that'spossible.
So that's something to kind ofbe prepared for if you are
looking at setting boundaries.
Speaker 2 (23:18):
You have to protect, though, the energy that you're
allowing into your space, right,because that has an impact
overall on how you're feelingand how you're going to project
and and you know those thosekinds of things.
So Protecting what kind ofenergy you allow in your space,
I think, is super important, andthat includes to your points.
(23:39):
You know you're going to haveto say no to things sometimes.
Yeah, whether it's gossip,drama, people, you know, with
unhealed things that they'reprojecting on you, just like
that's probably what I, maybethat's what I was doing when I
was the chaos, you know, andthere were people around me that
had to set boundaries.
Speaker 1 (23:56):
yeah, so exactly, yeah, yeah, that's exactly it
and I can think of a couple oftimes when that probably
happened with people that werearound around me and it's okay.
Now I mean I don't, I don'tmind it, but it's like you think
that you're people that arefriends but they're really not
your friends, I mean and we'llget into friendship episodes and
stuff like that down the road.
But I think it's important toyou know make, like you said,
(24:17):
the space for things that makeyou feel good and make your
heart feel good, your spiritfeel good.
And it could be simple thingslike I went to the farmer's
market last weekend and I gotthose peonies and put them in a
little vase.
I am not a fresh flower girl.
You know, I kill thingsconstantly and I knew they were
going to last for maybe a week,but I just really wanted to have
(24:39):
something in my little space.
You know that was pretty andkind of a mention of spring.
Yeah, little things can makesuch a big difference.
Yeah, it made me happy.
It made me happy and that wasthe other thing too is like that
I was doing things like I thinkit was last weekend that I
haven't done really in a longtime, and it was fun because it
was something different.
Yeah, went to different parks.
(25:01):
I went to this farmer's marketI'd never been to before.
I went to, just did differentthings I wasn't normally doing
and it just kind of added alittle bit of like extra oomph,
you know, to my weekend sort ofthing.
Speaker 2 (25:14):
Do different things, ladies.
Yeah, do different things.
Speaker 1 (25:17):
Yeah, and keep your peace.
Keep your peace For sure.
Peace is pretty critical.
So the communication stuff.
On point five this is the fifththing we were going to talk
about is something that I feelhas been a constant, constant
evolution and is, I think, forall of us.
We are all learning how tocommunicate differently or
(25:41):
better with different people,and you have to remember that
your communication style may notbe right for some.
It may not work well for somepeople.
You sometimes have to flex howyou approach.
Approach things, because you maynot be able to get your message
across as well, but thecommunication that you have is
really important.
Now, that doesn't mean that youhave to be so blunt and direct
(26:03):
that you're going to obviouslyhurt people's feelings, but it
also means not sugarcoatingevery message that's out there,
because it's too painful for youto be direct.
But do it with grace.
Yeah, I think grace is superimportant.
Speaker 2 (26:15):
I think grace is important with everything, yeah,
with everything yeah, and it's.
Speaker 1 (26:19):
It's the difference between you know, coming across
as someone who is unhinged andsomeone who has put some thought
into the gracefully confident,if you will right.
Speaker 2 (26:31):
Yeah.
So I think on the flip side ofthat too, you need to recognize
how to set standards about oraround how you're spoken to.
That's a little lesscontrollable, right?
Well, how would you controlthat?
I think, acknowledging like ifsomebody is speaking to you in a
(26:51):
way that you don't appreciate,making it known.
You know, I hear what you'resaying.
I appreciate why you might befeeling that way.
I have to tell you that the wayyou're conveying that to me
right now, I'm not taking it sogreat.
Maybe we need to just step backand talk about this tomorrow.
(27:12):
Yeah, or whatever, and thatcould be with a friend, that
could be with one of yourchildren, that could be with,
you know, a relative, familymember, whatever you know.
Speaker 1 (27:21):
Co-worker anything, or it's you and how you're
conveying.
So if you're not conveying amessage in a way if you're
conveying a message to someonewho and you're putting them on
guard they're not going to hearyou.
Totally so.
The communication, and again, Iconstantly am working on this.
(27:41):
My word for the year, whichsome of you know, is listen, and
Michelle's constantly remindingme, huh, Huh, what.
If you were listening, you'dknow that your keys were in.
Speaker 2 (27:52):
I just give her a gentle reminder.
I gracefully I tell her toremind her yeah, that's what she
did.
Yeah, she's like yeah, fuck youLike.
Okay, she's right, though Is ityour word for the year Listen.
Speaker 1 (28:04):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (28:05):
Like fuck you.
Speaker 1 (28:07):
I'm listening, well, listen.
But really, when you thinkabout it, listen and hear are
kind of two different things.
Speaker 2 (28:19):
They're synonymous, but not because it's like you
can be listening but not hearsomeone hear.
Speaker 1 (28:20):
Quite you know or understand what they're saying,
or acknowledging, I guess, whatthey're trying to convey, the
message they're trying to convey.
So it's really paying attentionto what they're saying and not
trying to answer the questionbefore it's or have your
response prepared prior to themfinishing whatever it is they're
saying, because then you're notreally listening in the first
place so another thing, andwe'll talk here's.
Speaker 2 (28:43):
Here's the last one.
Yeah, number six is decisionmaking oh yeah right and the
standards around that.
You don't need the consensus tochoose yourself right.
You don't need the consensus tochoose yourself right.
You don't need the approvalfrom other people to choose
yourself.
That is something you have totrust yourself on.
You know more than ever.
(29:05):
Trust yourself with that.
Speaker 1 (29:08):
No more like group votes or decisions On what
direction you're when it comesto life decisions.
Speaker 2 (29:14):
Yeah, and and honestly and this was a big one
for me is trusting your gut.
That is very valid.
That is very valid.
Speaker 1 (29:26):
So this is where I actually I will bounce things
off of my two closest peoplereally.
I will definitely bounce thingsoff of them, because I know
that you guys will give it to mestraight yeah, if I'm not
seeing something correctly or ifI'm unsure of something.
It's not really about trying tovalidate the direction I'm
going.
It's really more about makingsure that I'm listening and
(29:50):
hearing something correctly.
Speaker 2 (29:51):
Yeah, and sometimes, yeah, you really have to pay
attention and listen to your gut.
You're like is this me tellingmyself or is this my gut giving
me that sense?
And there is a difference.
Speaker 1 (30:05):
Yeah, and your partners are great, Obviously if
you're making big lifedecisions and you have a partner
you are going to be talkingthrough, hopefully, those life
decisions with your partner,because they affect your partner
too.
Now, that doesn't mean thatyou're going to always get the
support that you need, and evenif it's your partner, you're not
going to necessarily always getthe support you need.
It's your partner, you're notgoing to necessarily always get
(30:27):
the support you need, and so youhave to really kind of prepare
for that and understand that.
Regardless, if it's somethingyou feel so strongly about, you
are speaking about it withconviction.
Whatever the case may be thatyou can bounce things off of
people, but that doesn'tnecessarily mean that they're
making a decision right rightand maybe they're judging the
decisions you're making.
Speaker 2 (30:47):
You have to stand strong with the direction you
want to go.
There will always be that.
Yeah, there will always bejudgment from others in regard
to the decisions you make.
That is something that I havelearned, yeah, and you just have
to know how to be okay withthat you know, so we can't
please all the people all thetime, and that's not why I'm
here, here.
Speaker 1 (31:10):
So you spicy sisters out there, I guess, it's your
turn right.
Yeah, spicy, yeah.
If this episode has sparkedanything in you, just follow
along, act on the things thatwe've talked about.
You know, maybe pick an area ofyour life, whether it's work or
friendships, wellness you knowthe boundaries that we talked
about.
You know whatever it is andupgrade one of those standards
(31:33):
that we've discussed.
Speaker 2 (31:35):
For example, say no to something and don't feel
guilty about it.
Yep Right, speak up If you'rein a setting where normally,
maybe, you don't speak up,whether it's at work or in some
type of social setting speak up.
Speaker 1 (31:49):
Yeah, surprise the hell out of all of them.
Just try it.
Speaker 2 (31:51):
Yeah, or if it's you know you are engaging in a
conversation that maybe issomewhat emotionally draining,
it's okay to just like I justgave that example.
It's okay to just like I justgave that example, you know, and
(32:12):
it's okay to express how you'refeeling.
You're not taking it this way.
We're gonna walk away from it.
I want to continue, but justnot now.
Let's take some time and comeback to it.
Speaker 1 (32:19):
It's okay, give yourself permission to walk away
from a conversation that'stotally okay, and I think there
is a big difference betweenwalking away from something
because you're kind of holdingon to your sanity and maybe
communicating about that andavoiding.
Yeah, oh sure, yeah now goingback to the whole thing about,
about work and stuff like that,I would think that I I think
(32:39):
that I have really dove intothings work-wise, project-wise,
whatever it was, to avoid a lotof the other stuff that was
happening.
Just I don't know why.
I just thought of that as alittle side note yeah, but my
venturing guess is some of youout there might be doing the
same thing and you know it, butyou're not admitting it to
yourself.
I just admitted it out loud.
(32:59):
So now you can do it.
Speaker 2 (33:00):
There you go.
Just do it too, say no withoutguilt, yeah.
Speaker 1 (33:04):
Say no without guilt, yeah.
So, and that kind of goes backto that like starting a project.
Things like that are thingsthat have to do with setting
standards for you.
It's like I am going to do thisby X date.
Keep your promise to yourself,whatever it is.
Maybe it's a specific hike youwant to go on.
Maybe you want to learn aboutdifferent types of dance, Maybe
(33:25):
you want to go pole dancing whoknows?
Speaker 2 (33:27):
Belly dancing.
Speaker 1 (33:28):
Belly dancing, whatever it's like.
Whatever you want to do, that'sgoing to be the way you want to
express yourself, or what isgoing to help you learn more
about yourself.
Feel like you're going to beable to do that without having a
lot of judgment around you, andjust be strong about it.
Speaker 2 (33:43):
You know, I can't wait to hear some of these
things that all these beautifulmidlife women are going to share
with us, because, jules and I,we're definitely going to be
building a community around this, building a sisterhood where
you don't have to be afraid totalk about some of this stuff
and really share and getexperiences amongst each other.
So just know that that iscoming and we're super excited
(34:06):
about that because I think, aswomen, we all have a lot to gain
from each other.
You don't have to do this alone, right?
And you know we we have beenthere, done that, and that
that's a whole part of what this, this podcast, is and what the
community will be.
So more to come on that, staytuned.
(34:27):
You can find us out on all thesocials.
We are on Instagram andFacebook.
You can find us on TikTok andeven YouTube, if you like and
listen on whatever your favoritepodcast platform is.
You will find the Spicy MidlifeWomen podcast there.
So thank you so much forlistening.
Speaker 1 (34:48):
Yep, and let us know what standards you're thinking
about raising.
Just really put some thoughtinto it.
Look at one thing that you wantto do differently and let us
know, dm us, let us know.
We would love to hear about it.
We want to celebrate it and wewant to amplify your progress
and really share it with otherpeople in our community.
So love it.
Yeah, midlife it's not a crisisladies.
Speaker 2 (35:10):
No, it's not.
It's your comeback era.
It's spicy.
Speaker 1 (35:13):
Yep and let it set the tone.
Speaker 2 (35:14):
Yeah, we're going to make it that way.
Speaker 1 (35:16):
Yep All right Until next week stay spicy.
Bye, ladies, bye.
Hey, all you spicy women out there, it's Michelle
and Jules here.
We are your spicy ladies fromthe Northwest Seattle Washington
, and we're here to share ourstories with you and have these
no BS conversations.
Right, Michelle?
That's right.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
We're here to help all you midlife women redefine
your relationships, ditch thosetoxic cycles and reclaim your
power, one episode at a time.
So let's get into it.
Let's get into it so today.
Speaker 1 (00:27):
What's the topic, michelle?
Speaker 2 (00:29):
We are setting standards.
Yeah Right, new standards Forafter 40.
That's right.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
That's us Now.
One might think we're speakingabout romantic standards here.
Nope, but no.
Well, I mean, I guess it couldapply Maybe.
But really what we wanted to doearly on is kind of talk about
the standards just in general,just evaluating what your
standards are, because I bet youwe don't really think about
that too much.
(00:56):
People talk about expectationsa lot, but expectations and
standards are two very differentthings.
Speaker 2 (01:17):
And we can talk about that a little bit more too, and
we'll get into this, butkeeping it, even with what you
know, right, what wisdom youhave gained through the
experiences that have broughtyou to that midlife point, right
, not based on so much of yourpast, right?
Speaker 1 (01:38):
If that makes sense.
Yeah, I think that is what wejust naturally as humans have a
tendency to do.
Oh, for sure, I know I did.
Yeah, especially with traumathings that happen with you know
traumatic things in our life orthings where we've been
humiliated or where we've reallymissed the boat on something
you know it's.
The trauma can reallyovershadow.
Speaker 2 (01:58):
Let me just.
Let me just take another drinkthere, as you're talking about
that she's clearly this isresonating with her right.
Speaker 1 (02:07):
Anyway, you know we're not operating from or at
least we.
I shouldn't say we aren't,because some of you might be
operating from survival or fearor you know, that place where
you're not really superconfident in your decisions and
worrying about what will theythink, what will my family think
, what will my family think,what will my friends think?
You know when you're makingdecisions.
(02:27):
So there's all of us atdifferent stages, I think of
this.
But when we're talking aboutsetting your standards, I think
it's really important to havethese conversations with
ourselves and really kind ofdefine it, because my venturing
guess is and I can speak from myown experience I hadn't really
done that, I didn't reallydefine that, I thought I had,
(02:48):
but I'd never really discussedit.
Speaker 2 (02:50):
Isn't it interesting how I'm just listening to you
talk about this and Jules and Iwe're past 40, right, we're on a
little bit into midlife, whichis part of the reason we are
spicy.
We can look back and see whatwe've learned from our
experiences, what brought usthrough things that we've gained
(03:12):
you know how we've been able toexactly get through those
things, but you were justtalking about the survival in
fear and operating from thosethings.
That was me 100%.
I was totally operating fromsurvival mode and fear, and what
(03:32):
will my family think?
And the expectations that youbring into your life from your
past which have to do with howyou were raised, and different
things like that which have todo with how you were raised, and
different things like that.
And then you're so you can beso busy with whether it's
raising a family or climbing thecorporate ladder or doing both
(03:53):
of those things.
Right, you know, building justthat clarity for me, anyways,
didn't come until beyond that.
Speaker 1 (04:02):
Yeah, I think that's when we both were able to kind
of take a deep breath and gookay, what is?
What is this mean?
Where?
Am I now, is this what it'ssupposed to?
Be right, because it was just amatter of really.
When I say survival, it's notlike physical survival, it's
like mentally surviving andtrying to be everything for the
(04:23):
people that were around you.
Speaker 2 (04:24):
I call it the superwoman syndrome.
We've talked about that.
Speaker 1 (04:27):
Yeah, where there's just nothing left.
Yeah, you know, you just don'thave a lot left, and so that's
not a good place to be.
But I mean you could hear me goon for days about societal
expectations and things that Ithink are placed on women in
general.
Men too.
I mean men have other types ofexpectations that are placed on
them within society, but I thinkthere's a lot of things that we
(04:48):
hold on to or that we have been, we've been taught or have been
drummed into our heads, youknow, by the generations before
us, yeah, who've had it, youknow, shoved down their throat,
I guess.
Yeah, yeah, you know yeah.
Speaker 2 (05:03):
So I'm excited to talk about some of these things
because, you know, I think ifyou're in midlife, truly midlife
you know what is midlife.
We talk about 40 and beyond,right?
So, and that's the age that I'mtalking about, when you're, you
know, survival mode and goingthrough fear and figuring a lot
(05:23):
of shit out, right.
So, anyways, excited to talk.
We're going to talk about someof these standards that we're
speaking of, whether it'slifestyle standards, emotional
standards, communicationstandards.
We're going to get a little bitinto all of those things to just
help all you midlife women beable to better recognize where
(05:43):
you're at yourself and what youcan do differently.
Speaker 1 (05:47):
Exactly, yeah.
So going back to this, settingthe standards initially when
we're starting about this.
The question I want you all toask yourself is does the
standard that I set, or thesestandards that I set for myself,
apply to me now, as a grownwoman, the same way, or are they
for the girl that I used to be?
(06:08):
I love that.
Well, it's kind of really deep.
It is very deep when I thinkabout that.
I'm like okay, the person that Iwas is not the same person I am
now.
Have I evolved?
Have my standards evolved withme?
Yes, and I would say honestly,no, they had not Really Earlier
on Earlier on, I feel like nowI've embraced things more but
I've also done the work to thinkabout it and talk about it and
(06:31):
all that kind of stuff, whereasI just hadn't.
So I mean, I think I'm all thatand a bag of chips, but really
I wasn't.
I was not.
I was really kind of you know,yeah, I like that.
(07:05):
I was not.
I like that, the standard.
I should say ask yourself, dothe standards you have now align
with the woman you are now, orthe woman that you want to
become, or do they align withthe person that you used to be,
yeah, and or the person that youwere trying to maybe leave in
the in your distant memory tosome degree, not that it wasn't
(07:37):
important, absolutely, it's allnot, oh my gosh it all matters,
it's all part to know that andunderstand it, so that you are
able to, you know, recognize thestandards in which you want to
continue with Right yeah.
So.
So bullet number two if we'retalking about setting our
standards here are professional.
(07:59):
I wanted to talk aboutprofessional standards now.
Burnout is a big thing.
Standards now, burnout is a bigthing, and it's something that
I feel like is more prevalentthan we probably give it credit
for, generationally, I think.
Speaker 2 (08:10):
When you're talking about being over 40, a lot of
this is the hustle you know, andI am notorious for this, yeah,
I love the hustle yeah almost tothe point of yeah, I'm, you
still do oh my god, I love thehustle yeah and that's.
Speaker 1 (08:23):
but see, I'm not at that place where I'm really I
like my inner peace, and butpart of my inner peace is the
you still do divorced and reallytrying to be successful and on
my own terms and in the way thatmade sense to me.
(08:47):
So, but I've always been thatway, and so it's not that
hustle's bad by any stretch ofthe imagination, but glorifying
things that have to do withhustle, they really do maybe
take away from what it is thatis bringing you your peace or
the use of your time.
You know how you use your time.
(09:07):
What's important to you inregard to pay, it's like, is it
making so much money but beingmiserable at what you do?
Speaker 2 (09:15):
Right Peace has got to be a big part of that too,
right, Setting the standardsabout, just like you were saying
, your pay, but then alsothere's your peace and your time
.
But then also there's yourpeace and your time, all of
those things that play into that.
Speaker 1 (09:28):
Yeah, I was talking with someone yesterday about a
job that he was consideringgoing back to, and the benefits
were really good in this job,right.
He hated it, though, and thepay was good, but he hated it
and it goes back to this wholething.
I can't with that anymore.
I just was like why in theworld would you even consider
(09:51):
something like that?
No, there's so many otheravenues that you can go down
where you are going, to enjoywhat you're doing.
Maybe you're not making exactlythe same amount of money, but
you're happy at what you'redoing.
It's like because I really feellike going to work should not
feel like going to work.
Yeah, I mean, when I go to work, I don't feel like I'm going to
work.
Speaker 2 (10:02):
Should not feel like going to work.
Speaker 1 (10:03):
I mean, when I go to work I don't feel like I'm going
to work.
I feel like I'm excited to goto work because I enjoy what I'm
doing Not every day, obviously,but for the most part.
So, really kind of evaluatingyour professional standards and
saying am I overextending myself?
Is this something that I havedone in order to prove my worth,
and am I doing that in acorporate ladder setting?
(10:24):
Am I doing that in a companywhere I want to, you know, be
embraced in a more leadershiptype role?
There's going to be alldifferent components to that and
in some respects, you know,more power to you as you're kind
of growing into whatever jobyou have or you're, you know,
kind of evolving into somethingelse.
Speaker 2 (10:44):
Remember that there's always going to be benefits,
but there's also detriments, Ithink that the key part to that,
what we were just saying is isdon't overextend yourself, right
?
Because I think you know, forme I was just thinking about
myself.
I totally used to do that tofeel my self-worth.
That's where I was putting.
I was pouring everything intothe career, right, made me feel
(11:07):
good doing all those things,climbing the corporate ladder,
but I was sacrificing a lot as aresult and because I had a lot
going on personally that Ididn't want to deal with, which
is why I was doing that Right.
So, recognizing the you know,the things behind it that are
going along with that, and evennow I started a new career three
(11:30):
years ago and I stilloverextend I'm just that's the
nature of who I am andoverextending to feel my worth,
that's kind of part of it.
But even in the last threeyears, I've learned to balance
that and, even though I kind ofthrive on that and I do that, I
have learned to have a betterbalance with those things and I
(11:53):
still feel the self-worth, eventhough I'm balancing it and not
overextending myself.
So you know, being able torecognize when that's happening
is super important and you'vegot to set so the standards for
yourself with regard to that.
Speaker 1 (12:07):
Well, I think, from an early on stage too, is like
you're probably not going towork for a company that is
requiring a lot of those thingsfrom you.
Speaker 2 (12:16):
You know, like there's a company called amazon,
you know yeah that is, andthere's they employ a lot of
people, right, I don't work forthem and I overextend myself
with Amazon.
Speaker 1 (12:26):
Well, they're notorious.
They're notorious for burningout their employees.
Now, I don't know if that'sstill the case, but I know a lot
of people that work for Amazonand it's definitely something
that's out there.
You work your ass off.
It's like you're climbing.
Whatever You're moving from onedepartment to the other, you're
getting stock options.
Whatever you're moving from onedepartment to the other, you're
getting stock options.
There's all kinds of things thatare drawing people in related
(12:47):
to money, related to power, allthose things, and you know
innovativeness, obviously, andthe creativity that goes along
with it.
But at the end of the day, it'slike these people a lot of them
are working insane hours,insane.
And yeah, their kids are youngand they're not.
Speaker 2 (13:03):
We're speaking from the choir right, because we did
the same thing.
We did that.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
Yeah, but it's something where, as you've kind
of gotten to that place in yourlife where you've maybe been
through those stages and you'relike, yeah, been there, done
that, not going to do thatanymore Learned from it, or
you're going to pick and choosethe things that you really want
to do, that you're going toinvest your time in, and maybe
it's not going to be sofinancially fulfilling, but it
(13:29):
might be fulfilling to yourheart, you know.
Maybe it's volunteering, maybeit's something else that's not
related to work.
Speaker 2 (13:36):
Well, and I think, too, that kind of you know kind
of brings us into this nextstandard I want to talk about,
which is lifestyle Right,perfect, with some of the things
you were just talking about.
I think it's important to raisethe bar on how you are living
right, and being able torecognize what some of those
(13:56):
things are.
Yeah, is definitely part ofthat in regard to lifestyle and
balancing.
There's another flip on that,though, too, with lifestyle
right.
Do you know what I'm thinking?
It's just how you look inregard to lifestyle.
Speaker 1 (14:14):
Like in terms of your complexion or like how you
dress.
Speaker 2 (14:18):
Yeah, just like a lot of those things Skincare
there's that it doesn't justhave to be about all those
things that come into play thatwe hear so much about in midlife
, those exterior things.
I guess, if you will For me,and I think maybe for you too, I
(14:38):
don't know speak up if not, butmidlife and going be able to
feel joy and what brings me joy,being able to be intentional
about the things that I do, thefreedom that I choose to have to
(15:02):
be able to do some of thosethings, how I'm living, the
environments that I choose tohave myself in, the habits, the
daily rituals, that shit changeda lot for me in midlife.
Speaker 1 (15:16):
Do you think it comes back to not having the other
responsibilities, so you feellike you had more.
It's like staring you in theface.
You had more opportunity andtime to focus on what was good
for you.
Speaker 2 (15:31):
For me it was just about this whole self-discovery,
all of the things that I didn'tknow were inside me that slowly
started to come about, and Ipaid attention to that and gave
time to some of those things andI just ran with it.
(15:54):
I, I ran with it.
I really did, and and a lot ofit was so differently than how I
was living my life before.
Speaker 1 (16:02):
It was like this whole new, it was like a whole
other world do you feel likesome of the the time I don't
know how you were feeling aboutit, but some of the time prior
to like and divorce, is the timeframe really for me that a lot
of this transition?
Speaker 2 (16:14):
Me too, because I feel like I was doing a lot of
treading water.
Speaker 1 (16:17):
Yes, and I didn't take the time, you know, for
really any of this kind of stuffright Joy, freedom, intent.
Everything was based around mykids making sure that they had
what they needed, making surethat they were getting the
experiences.
And whether I did that well ornot, who knows, you know, you
could ask them.
They'd probably give you mixedanswers.
You do the best you can as aparent, yeah, but you're right,
(16:40):
it's like kind of upgrading yourenvironment and it is something
that you just realize wow, thisis something I totally can do.
Or the people that you'respending time with.
You know who you're investingyour energy and your time in.
It's like if you're investingyour energy and time in people
(17:01):
who are sucking the life out ofyou, you're not necessarily
gaining anything from thoserelationships.
Speaker 2 (17:05):
And when I vividly remember, recognizing that and
like I'm out, I am out.
Just so you know, without goinginto too much detail, I'm like
just so you know, I am leavingthis place, that I'm living, I'm
bringing this with me and noneof this is coming with me.
I, like set some seriousboundaries.
I moved on and that is when Istarted paying attention to
(17:30):
things that I craved, that Inever allowed myself to give
time to Something as little asdrinking coffee in bed.
I remember once I did that.
I was moving on.
I had a coffee maker and I setit up and people listening if
you've not done this, ladies,you should try it.
I put the coffee maker in myroom next to my bed.
(17:54):
The, the kind that has the timer, yeah, right, so it would like
oh, the smell would yes, oh mygosh, it would start brewing in
the morning and that's what Iwould wake up to oh my god,
that's a great idea the pot wasright there.
I would like pour my coffee andhave it right there in my room,
or two no, I had to go, I hadto get up and get that, but I
woke up to the brewing of thecoffee.
(18:14):
The smell of the coffee wasright there in my room.
Did you have cream or two?
No, I had to go.
I had to get up and get that,but I woke up to the brewing of
the coffee.
The smell of the coffee wasright there in my room.
It was amazing.
Speaker 1 (18:18):
Because now, okay, let me ask you this Prior to
that, when you were saying, youknow, you really kind of evolved
and made some changes, andthings and realized the things
that you were craving when youstarted making those changes and
putting those boundaries up.
How did the people in yourcircle or your life respond?
Speaker 2 (18:35):
I.
I mean, it was like I there waslike a trail.
There was like a trail of ofcircumstances.
That that was, you know, likebehind me, and it's not like I
was like leaving it in the dustbecause you can't.
There's there's still a lot ofthings that you have to pay
attention to, but that's thething is, when you set the
boundaries for yourself and beintentional about what that
(19:01):
looks like and what it is that'sbringing you joy so that you
can keep yourself.
I mean, we've all heard the termkeeping your cup full.
It's definitely true.
Doing the things that willcontinue to keep you going, that
will fuel your fire.
To do that, it gives you more asense of self and therefore,
(19:25):
being able to look at that trail.
I'm using that as that, myanalogy.
You know, you've got this trailof things that is happening,
but you have the ability tobetter pay attention and be more
level-headed with regard towhat you need to do.
So, but the key part there iskeeping your cup full and doing
(19:50):
the things that bring you joyand being able to recognize that
so that you are able to takecare of other things that maybe
aren't so pleasant.
Speaker 1 (19:59):
Right, so you have that wherewithal to do it.
The boundaries thing I'venoticed too.
I have done a lot of thatboundary setting with people,
who, people, or even activitiesand things that I've done them
for other people, yeah, or Ihave, you know, put the energy
in because it was important tosomebody else.
(20:21):
I don't think that's wrong todo.
I think it's important that thepeople that are in your life
know that you're going to showup for them, even if it's not
something you're dying to doSure you know, but not to the
point where you're kind ofovershadowed by the things that
are happening around you or thepeople that are happening around
you.
Like you're, like you'reabsorbing their life.
Speaker 2 (20:38):
That's crazy.
You do not have to entertainchaos.
No, you do not, and that has to.
That kind of brings us intoemotional standards.
Speaker 1 (20:47):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (20:48):
And not being clear on that, not entertaining chaos.
That's a big one for me.
Speaker 1 (20:54):
I kind of feel like I have been the chaos, I was the
chaos.
I mean we've all been the chaos.
I mean, in truth, we've allbeen.
I mean to the point where I Imean, there were periods of time
and again this is probably Iremember so specifically around
the same time that I had gonethrough the divorce and there's
a lot of stuff going on with mykids and everything.
I was in such a bad place.
(21:15):
You know that I feel likeanybody that I was around would
probably run away from me, but Iguess the key is that I
recognized that I did the same,yeah, same.
Yeah, I just was trying my bestto keep my head above water and
be positive and everything, butit wasn't always working, yeah,
and so you feel like you'rewearing a mask a lot of the time
.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
I think it's even more so important at that time
to recognize what is going tofill you.
Back to that because of whatyou just said, because I
remember that too, when I wasgoing through all the turbulent
things, I mean I probably I wasthe chaos.
Yeah, I'm glad you said thatbecause it's true.
(21:57):
But then once you move throughthat and you're getting through
and you're learning, you'resetting standards, making
boundaries and doing all thosethings.
That's where you've learned.
It's all part of the journey.
You've learned and you've comethrough all that, and now I
don't have to entertain itanymore.
I don't have to be it becauseI'm not entertaining it it's so
(22:17):
it's.
Speaker 1 (22:18):
It's interesting because I have I have watched
you do this before.
Yeah, with people that arearound that you're like, you're
very friendly and you're you'renice to people, you're always
kind.
I've never run across thesituation where we've actually
had there's actually been peopleis that they don't like
michelle because they just don'tlike her.
And I'm looking and I'm goingwhy I mean she's like the
easiest, most likable personever.
(22:39):
Maybe you're the problem, youknow, is what I've thought.
But anyway, that's it.
Speaker 2 (22:43):
That's a different story you're talking about, and
it's because I don't entertainbecause you didn't entertain it.
I think that's what it was andand so that might make some
people uncomfortable, that'sthat's okay, because I don't
want that shit in my life.
So setting those boundaries itmight cause some things like
that.
But if it's going to be whatbrings you peace, that's okay.
Speaker 1 (23:03):
So do you think that setting boundaries can be viewed
by some as being selfish?
I mean sure, yeah, that'spossible.
So that's something to kind ofbe prepared for if you are
looking at setting boundaries.
Speaker 2 (23:18):
You have to protect, though, the energy that you're
allowing into your space, right,because that has an impact
overall on how you're feelingand how you're going to project
and and you know those thosekinds of things.
So Protecting what kind ofenergy you allow in your space,
I think, is super important, andthat includes to your points.
(23:39):
You know you're going to haveto say no to things sometimes.
Yeah, whether it's gossip,drama, people, you know, with
unhealed things that they'reprojecting on you, just like
that's probably what I, maybethat's what I was doing when I
was the chaos, you know, andthere were people around me that
had to set boundaries.
Speaker 1 (23:56):
yeah, so exactly, yeah, yeah, that's exactly it
and I can think of a couple oftimes when that probably
happened with people that werearound around me and it's okay.
Now I mean I don't, I don'tmind it, but it's like you think
that you're people that arefriends but they're really not
your friends, I mean and we'llget into friendship episodes and
stuff like that down the road.
But I think it's important toyou know make, like you said,
(24:17):
the space for things that makeyou feel good and make your
heart feel good, your spiritfeel good.
And it could be simple thingslike I went to the farmer's
market last weekend and I gotthose peonies and put them in a
little vase.
I am not a fresh flower girl.
You know, I kill thingsconstantly and I knew they were
going to last for maybe a week,but I just really wanted to have
(24:39):
something in my little space.
You know that was pretty andkind of a mention of spring.
Yeah, little things can makesuch a big difference.
Yeah, it made me happy.
It made me happy and that wasthe other thing too is like that
I was doing things like I thinkit was last weekend that I
haven't done really in a longtime, and it was fun because it
was something different.
Yeah, went to different parks.
(25:01):
I went to this farmer's marketI'd never been to before.
I went to, just did differentthings I wasn't normally doing
and it just kind of added alittle bit of like extra oomph,
you know, to my weekend sort ofthing.
Speaker 2 (25:14):
Do different things, ladies.
Yeah, do different things.
Speaker 1 (25:17):
Yeah, and keep your peace.
Keep your peace For sure.
Peace is pretty critical.
So the communication stuff.
On point five this is the fifththing we were going to talk
about is something that I feelhas been a constant, constant
evolution and is, I think, forall of us.
We are all learning how tocommunicate differently or
(25:41):
better with different people,and you have to remember that
your communication style may notbe right for some.
It may not work well for somepeople.
You sometimes have to flex howyou approach.
Approach things, because you maynot be able to get your message
across as well, but thecommunication that you have is
really important.
Now, that doesn't mean that youhave to be so blunt and direct
(26:03):
that you're going to obviouslyhurt people's feelings, but it
also means not sugarcoatingevery message that's out there,
because it's too painful for youto be direct.
But do it with grace.
Yeah, I think grace is superimportant.
Speaker 2 (26:15):
I think grace is important with everything, yeah,
with everything yeah, and it's.
Speaker 1 (26:19):
It's the difference between you know, coming across
as someone who is unhinged andsomeone who has put some thought
into the gracefully confident,if you will right.
Speaker 2 (26:31):
Yeah.
So I think on the flip side ofthat too, you need to recognize
how to set standards about oraround how you're spoken to.
That's a little lesscontrollable, right?
Well, how would you controlthat?
I think, acknowledging like ifsomebody is speaking to you in a
(26:51):
way that you don't appreciate,making it known.
You know, I hear what you'resaying.
I appreciate why you might befeeling that way.
I have to tell you that the wayyou're conveying that to me
right now, I'm not taking it sogreat.
Maybe we need to just step backand talk about this tomorrow.
(27:12):
Yeah, or whatever, and thatcould be with a friend, that
could be with one of yourchildren, that could be with,
you know, a relative, familymember, whatever you know.
Speaker 1 (27:21):
Co-worker anything, or it's you and how you're
conveying.
So if you're not conveying amessage in a way if you're
conveying a message to someonewho and you're putting them on
guard they're not going to hearyou.
Totally so.
The communication, and again, Iconstantly am working on this.
(27:41):
My word for the year, whichsome of you know, is listen, and
Michelle's constantly remindingme, huh, Huh, what.
If you were listening, you'dknow that your keys were in.
Speaker 2 (27:52):
I just give her a gentle reminder.
I gracefully I tell her toremind her yeah, that's what she
did.
Yeah, she's like yeah, fuck youLike.
Okay, she's right, though Is ityour word for the year Listen.
Speaker 1 (28:04):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (28:05):
Like fuck you.
Speaker 1 (28:07):
I'm listening, well, listen.
But really, when you thinkabout it, listen and hear are
kind of two different things.
Speaker 2 (28:19):
They're synonymous, but not because it's like you
can be listening but not hearsomeone hear.
Speaker 1 (28:20):
Quite you know or understand what they're saying,
or acknowledging, I guess, whatthey're trying to convey, the
message they're trying to convey.
So it's really paying attentionto what they're saying and not
trying to answer the questionbefore it's or have your
response prepared prior to themfinishing whatever it is they're
saying, because then you're notreally listening in the first
place so another thing, andwe'll talk here's.
Speaker 2 (28:43):
Here's the last one.
Yeah, number six is decisionmaking oh yeah right and the
standards around that.
You don't need the consensus tochoose yourself right.
You don't need the consensus tochoose yourself right.
You don't need the approvalfrom other people to choose
yourself.
That is something you have totrust yourself on.
You know more than ever.
(29:05):
Trust yourself with that.
Speaker 1 (29:08):
No more like group votes or decisions On what
direction you're when it comesto life decisions.
Speaker 2 (29:14):
Yeah, and and honestly and this was a big one
for me is trusting your gut.
That is very valid.
That is very valid.
Speaker 1 (29:26):
So this is where I actually I will bounce things
off of my two closest peoplereally.
I will definitely bounce thingsoff of them, because I know
that you guys will give it to mestraight yeah, if I'm not
seeing something correctly or ifI'm unsure of something.
It's not really about trying tovalidate the direction I'm
going.
It's really more about makingsure that I'm listening and
(29:50):
hearing something correctly.
Speaker 2 (29:51):
Yeah, and sometimes, yeah, you really have to pay
attention and listen to your gut.
You're like is this me tellingmyself or is this my gut giving
me that sense?
And there is a difference.
Speaker 1 (30:05):
Yeah, and your partners are great, Obviously if
you're making big lifedecisions and you have a partner
you are going to be talkingthrough, hopefully, those life
decisions with your partner,because they affect your partner
too.
Now, that doesn't mean thatyou're going to always get the
support that you need, and evenif it's your partner, you're not
going to necessarily always getthe support you need.
It's your partner, you're notgoing to necessarily always get
(30:27):
the support you need, and so youhave to really kind of prepare
for that and understand that.
Regardless, if it's somethingyou feel so strongly about, you
are speaking about it withconviction.
Whatever the case may be thatyou can bounce things off of
people, but that doesn'tnecessarily mean that they're
making a decision right rightand maybe they're judging the
decisions you're making.
Speaker 2 (30:47):
You have to stand strong with the direction you
want to go.
There will always be that.
Yeah, there will always bejudgment from others in regard
to the decisions you make.
That is something that I havelearned, yeah, and you just have
to know how to be okay withthat you know, so we can't
please all the people all thetime, and that's not why I'm
here, here.
Speaker 1 (31:10):
So you spicy sisters out there, I guess, it's your
turn right.
Yeah, spicy, yeah.
If this episode has sparkedanything in you, just follow
along, act on the things thatwe've talked about.
You know, maybe pick an area ofyour life, whether it's work or
friendships, wellness you knowthe boundaries that we talked
about.
You know whatever it is andupgrade one of those standards
(31:33):
that we've discussed.
Speaker 2 (31:35):
For example, say no to something and don't feel
guilty about it.
Yep Right, speak up If you'rein a setting where normally,
maybe, you don't speak up,whether it's at work or in some
type of social setting speak up.
Speaker 1 (31:49):
Yeah, surprise the hell out of all of them.
Just try it.
Speaker 2 (31:51):
Yeah, or if it's you know you are engaging in a
conversation that maybe issomewhat emotionally draining,
it's okay to just like I justgave that example.
It's okay to just like I justgave that example, you know, and
(32:12):
it's okay to express how you'refeeling.
You're not taking it this way.
We're gonna walk away from it.
I want to continue, but justnot now.
Let's take some time and comeback to it.
Speaker 1 (32:19):
It's okay, give yourself permission to walk away
from a conversation that'stotally okay, and I think there
is a big difference betweenwalking away from something
because you're kind of holdingon to your sanity and maybe
communicating about that andavoiding.
Yeah, oh sure, yeah now goingback to the whole thing about,
about work and stuff like that,I would think that I I think
(32:39):
that I have really dove intothings work-wise, project-wise,
whatever it was, to avoid a lotof the other stuff that was
happening.
Just I don't know why.
I just thought of that as alittle side note yeah, but my
venturing guess is some of youout there might be doing the
same thing and you know it, butyou're not admitting it to
yourself.
I just admitted it out loud.
(32:59):
So now you can do it.
Speaker 2 (33:00):
There you go.
Just do it too, say no withoutguilt, yeah.
Speaker 1 (33:04):
Say no without guilt, yeah.
So, and that kind of goes backto that like starting a project.
Things like that are thingsthat have to do with setting
standards for you.
It's like I am going to do thisby X date.
Keep your promise to yourself,whatever it is.
Maybe it's a specific hike youwant to go on.
Maybe you want to learn aboutdifferent types of dance, Maybe
(33:25):
you want to go pole dancing whoknows?
Speaker 2 (33:27):
Belly dancing.
Speaker 1 (33:28):
Belly dancing, whatever it's like.
Whatever you want to do, that'sgoing to be the way you want to
express yourself, or what isgoing to help you learn more
about yourself.
Feel like you're going to beable to do that without having a
lot of judgment around you, andjust be strong about it.
Speaker 2 (33:43):
You know, I can't wait to hear some of these
things that all these beautifulmidlife women are going to share
with us, because, jules and I,we're definitely going to be
building a community around this, building a sisterhood where
you don't have to be afraid totalk about some of this stuff
and really share and getexperiences amongst each other.
So just know that that iscoming and we're super excited
(34:06):
about that because I think, aswomen, we all have a lot to gain
from each other.
You don't have to do this alone, right?
And you know we we have beenthere, done that, and that
that's a whole part of what this, this podcast, is and what the
community will be.
So more to come on that, staytuned.
(34:27):
You can find us out on all thesocials.
We are on Instagram andFacebook.
You can find us on TikTok andeven YouTube, if you like and
listen on whatever your favoritepodcast platform is.
You will find the Spicy MidlifeWomen podcast there.
So thank you so much forlistening.
Speaker 1 (34:48):
Yep, and let us know what standards you're thinking
about raising.
Just really put some thoughtinto it.
Look at one thing that you wantto do differently and let us
know, dm us, let us know.
We would love to hear about it.
We want to celebrate it and wewant to amplify your progress
and really share it with otherpeople in our community.
So love it.
Yeah, midlife it's not a crisisladies.
Speaker 2 (35:10):
No, it's not.
It's your comeback era.
It's spicy.
Speaker 1 (35:13):
Yep and let it set the tone.
Speaker 2 (35:14):
Yeah, we're going to make it that way.
Speaker 1 (35:16):
Yep All right Until next week stay spicy.
Bye, ladies, bye.
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