July 14, 2025 • 34 mins
In this raw and unfiltered episode, Jules and Michele break down the emotional clutter that keeps midlife women stuck in toxic cycles. Through real-life stories, powerful mindset shifts, and no-BS advice, they walk you through the 5 steps to finally let go of past relationship baggage, romantic, family, or friendship and reclaim your peace, power, and joy.
What You’ll Learn:
- The 5 key steps to letting go of relationship baggage
- How guilt, regret, and resentment silently hold you back
- Why reframing your story changes everything
- Ways to release pain through symbolic action
- How to set healthy boundaries and stop repeating toxic patterns
- Why choosing yourself is not selfish, it’s essential
Questions Answered in This Episode:
- How do I know if I’m still carrying relationship baggage?
- What does it really mean to “reframe the story”?
- How do I let go without feeling guilty?
- Is blocking someone immature—or healthy?
- How do I trust again after being hurt?
- What if I was the toxic one in the past?
- Can I welcome people back into my life after decades?
- What are the signs I’m repeating old patterns?
Are you ready to take your "spiciness" to the next level?!
Connect with Julee & Michele on Instagram @spicy_midlife_women and send a DM about what resonated most during this episode so they can encourage you with steps forward in your own life.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey everybody, jules and Michelle, here we are, two
spicy midlife women sharing ourreal life stories and having no
BS conversations.
That's bullshit.
I know no bullshit here.
Let me tell you.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
Right, jules, that is so true.
Ms Shelly Belly, that's right.
And you guys, we're here tohelp you, all of you, you
midlife women out there,redefine your relationships,
ditch toxic cycles and reclaimyour power, one episode at a
time.
So let's get into it.
Let's get into it.
What do?
Speaker 1 (00:33):
we got today, michelle, you know we are going
to share with you five steps tobreaking free from past
relationship baggage.
We all got that baggage, don'twe?
Oh girl.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
This isn't just like romantic stuff.
Speaker 1 (00:50):
No.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
This is all kinds of relationship baggage, just
baggage in general Let it go.
And how do we do that, right?
Well, I don't know.
Speaker 1 (01:03):
How do you even start when you're looking back?
Is there a time when yourealized that you needed to let
go?
Do you recall?
Speaker 2 (01:10):
Yes, I think there's been different periods of time
where I knew that I needed tolet go.
And I think, like thinking froma friendship standpoint we have
talked about that before wherewe have friendships that are
cyclical, you know, some willlast a long time, some will not
last a long time.
(01:30):
They might last for a season,you might be in someone else's
life for a specific reason orvice versa, but those
relationships will, you know,naturally kind of dissipate, you
know, come to an end.
When I think of relationshipbaggage, I think of the person
in your life who sucks the lifeout of you.
(01:51):
Yeah, person, people, all of itand it might not even be
something that they realize thatthey're doing to the degree
that they're doing it, and it'sa very difficult conversation
which again we were discussingearlier to have with someone
that you care about because youknow that you know if you don't
do it correctly, it could reallycreate issues.
(02:13):
It could create some walls andunhealthy responses or what have
you.
So that's where I get a littlebit stuck sometimes.
But I absolutely 100% have donethat and on the flip side of
that, just to be fair, therehave been people that have done
that with me too.
I know we've all got that.
It goes both ways.
I mean I can think of very darktimes in my life when I was
(02:37):
really not probably the bestperson to be around because I
wasn't even comfortable being inmy own skin.
So I think about that now andif I look at those people and
how they maybe handled thosethings, it was maybe not how I
would have handled it, but youknow.
Speaker 1 (02:51):
Right, so we're like two 60-year-old women with
hindsight wanting to share someof this with maybe some of you
midlife women that are justentering into the 40s.
Yeah, so you can maybe betteridentify than we did some of
those things, because it's superimportant to clear that
emotional clutter so you canthrive going forward and into
(03:14):
the future.
Speaker 2 (03:15):
I think we have a tendency to, like I said before,
we don't want to hurt people,we don't want to hurt people's
feelings.
Sometimes the easiest way toand I use air quotes on that all
the problem is to avoid it.
That's not necessarily healthy,but that's the reality of you
know.
When you don't really know whatto do about something,
(03:35):
sometimes the easiest way toapproach it is to not do
anything at all.
Exactly.
Oh, I'm busy that day.
Oh, I forgot about that, youknow, and that can be in a lot
of different aspects.
But when I'm thinking of, whenI think of relationship baggage,
I'm thinking of friendships,because when you think about
family, whether and we've talkedabout families before in their
family typically there's goingto be at least one.
(03:56):
Apparently I'm the black sheep.
I am too.
I know which kind of cracks meup because I'm so not a black
sheep.
I mean, that just goes to showhow pristine my family and
they're, just like they don't doanything wrong apparently.
(04:17):
Oh yeah, and I'm theself-diagnosed.
Speaker 1 (04:21):
I'm self-diagnosed black right because really it's
like yeah, in the big scope ofthings I mean I really have not
done anything horrible there'sall those relationships, right,
you know, because I think of therelationship baggage that I
have with my ex-husband yeah,you know, my boy's dad, and
you're thinking of friendships.
There's an array of things likethat that we start to recognize
(04:46):
and carry.
So I think that's the step.
One I would say is to identifythe weight of what baggage you
are carrying, right, is itregrets, resentment, guilt, all
of those?
Speaker 2 (05:02):
things resentment guilt, all of those things now
did you just like, read my mindor something?
I mean, there you go, becausewhen you talk about this, like
like the relationship, let'sjust talk about that for a
second relationship baggage inregard to your marriage or
divorce or whatever, how longhas it taken you to really even
be able to say that out loud?
Yeah, I'm feeling guilty,without feeling that resentment
and letting it convey to otherthings.
(05:23):
Yeah, I mean, that's so true.
Yeah, and now it's kind of likeyou're far enough behind it.
Yes, you've moved on, and he'sno longer with us.
Right which probably Sadly,yeah.
That probably, you know, hassomething to do with maybe your
softened approach on it.
Speaker 1 (05:38):
But perspective is everything.
Speaker 2 (05:40):
When you're in the heat of something, whether it be
, you know, a toxic type ofrelationship, or whether it be
dealing with, you know, familyissues or whatever.
You don't really think aboutthings to the same degree that
you do when you have thatclarity looking backward, and I
think the key though, if I maysay, is what you do with that,
like how you use thatperspective to further you with
(06:03):
other relationships.
Speaker 1 (06:05):
Well, and the hard part with that is, I think
sometimes we tend to hold on tosome of those hurts and some of
those feelings longer than weneed to.
Why do you think that isBecause of the guilt at that.
I mean, I brought up guilt,resentment and regrets.
I think that part has to dowith guilt.
Speaker 2 (06:24):
Yeah, for me anyways, when I think about it, yeah,
yeah, well, I mean, I can thinkof a family member that I
obviously love very much, butwho I have, I can only take in
doses for that very reason,because the guilt is just.
It is so heavy.
And I've established thoseboundaries and tried to explain
(06:46):
the boundaries, although I don'tfeel like my message is really
being heard.
Maybe they're listening, butthey're not necessarily hearing,
and so it really comes acrosslike I am being selfish or like
I'm being self-serving, you know, because I'm not putting myself
out there, I'm not sharing alot of the same information,
because, I mean, what it reallyboils down to is like I don't
(07:06):
really need to have someone'scommentary on my decisions or my
life.
I'm a grown ass woman, you knowand unless I ask for it and I
think a lot of the time youreceive that commentary we're
talking about from peoplebecause they think that they
have a right to do that, becausethey are your family, when in
reality it's like they don't.
Yeah, so that's kind of onethought process.
(07:29):
The going back to therelationship baggage with exes.
It's like the amount of angerand resentment and just
furiousness with thecommunication and just the
shittiness that goes along withjust about every divorce in one
capacity or another.
If you haven't had that, thenyou're living it.
I know I was going to say ofcourse we're talking about our
(07:50):
own experiences and ones thatwe're familiar with but that
might not be the case foreverybody agrees that the
parting ways or separating andstarting to live separate lives
is the right decision.
For the two people and theirfamily, you know, if they have
(08:12):
children and things like thatit's still a tremendous loss.
Speaker 1 (08:15):
Yeah, it is.
Speaker 2 (08:16):
Yeah, it is baggage, because if you don't address it
then it just you carry it on tothe next thing.
I mean, think about it.
It's like when you were married.
It's like the issues that youwere dealing with then you
weren't married.
It's like if you weren'tcareful, you could take all of
that same shit that you wereresponsible for.
Because we're not I mean, wehave half of the contribution
(08:38):
you know Sure.
But you could take that intothe next relationship and it's
like Groundhog's Day.
Speaker 1 (08:42):
Yeah, Ladies, do not do that.
Let that shit go.
It has no place into somethingthat you're stepping into.
So that takes us really to steptwo as far as what we're
talking about, and that is toreframe the story.
That would be step two.
So one is identifying theweight of the baggage that
(09:02):
you're carrying and then two.
So one is identifying theweight of the baggage that
you're carrying and then two,reframing the story and what the
power of perception has to dowith that.
Right, have you wanted?
Speaker 2 (09:11):
if you think about it , if you've run across people,
or yourself or myself, you knowwhen you are out there.
In those circumstances and,michelle, suspension power
perception how do you shiftyourself from being the victim
of something to being empoweredby something Empowered
Absolutely, yeah, I mean itcould be a physically abusive
(09:34):
relation.
There could be kinds of thingslike that where you truly are
the victim.
Maybe you're the victim ofverbal abuse, maybe you know
you're the victim of, you knowincestuous, you know behavior,
whatever the case may be.
How do you shift from victim?
Because when you're in victimof incestuous behavior, whatever
the case may be, how do youshift from victim?
Because when you're in victimmode, you're constantly trying
to dig yourself out of a hole?
Speaker 1 (09:52):
For me.
I mean, it's so interestingbecause I only know this,
because I've learned it, I'vemoved through that, and for me I
had to take those experiencesand treat them as lessons, right
Lessons, and not failures.
Speaker 2 (10:12):
Well, so how long did it take you to get to the point
where you gave yourself theability to do that?
Speaker 1 (10:17):
It took a while, right, because you know, for
you're going into flight orfight or flight mode, right yeah
, and your survival mode, if youwill, and you're just like
doing whatever you have to getthrough things.
And it's not until you get tothis point where you're like,
(10:39):
okay, and you have toself-recognize some of the
things and what it is you wantgoing forward and that's where
the empowered part comes in.
Speaker 2 (10:52):
But that goes back to other things like your level of
self-confidence for example.
I mean if you've been in asituation where you've never
really had the ability to bearound people who have empowered
you, even as a child or as ateenager, or in a marriage or
with your family, whatever thecase may be.
How do you turn into anempowered person if you don't
(11:14):
even know what that looks?
Speaker 1 (11:14):
like If you want those things.
I guess I can only speak frommy own experience, right, and I
didn't know what I didn't know,but I knew that what was is not
what I wanted to be, and I knewwho I wasn't, who I really
(11:36):
wanted to be or who I was, whoyou were meant to be, yeah,
right, and so it just startedthis.
You know you have to dive inand start looking at things and
what things really bring you joyand you know what moments
(11:57):
really bring you true happinessand what all that is.
And then you recognize the needfor setting boundaries so that
you can accomplish those things.
And it is a process.
It is not something that isjust oh, I need to do this and
yep, everything's.
You know, yippee, skippee, andhere we go.
(12:17):
No, it is a lot of-.
It's not a switch.
Intention, it is not a switchthat you can flip.
There's a lot of intentionbehind it and, I think, a lot of
self-awareness too, and that'swhere I believe people struggle,
myself included.
I mean thinking about.
Speaker 2 (12:34):
You know, we'll talk about the marriage for a moment
when we talk about, like in stepone, identifying the weight.
I can recall very specificallysaying when my divorce was final
and it's not like my husbandbeat me or was abused, it wasn't
anything like that, but it wasnot a healthy relation but I
remember very distinctly sayingI felt like I could breathe
(13:00):
again and it was okay.
Speaker 1 (13:01):
That chapter, technically, is over.
Now it's on me.
No excuse.
Kind of scary, isn't it too?
Speaker 2 (13:03):
at the same time it's totally scary because it's like
okay, all these things that youclaim that you wanted there's
nobody to blame anymore, right?
Speaker 1 (13:11):
You can't say, well, this, that or the other thing,
it's all on you.
Yeah, and I think that's partof the motivation.
It was for me anyways, part ofthe motivation to move forward
in a different direction.
Those of you that know me knowthat never settle was a big
mantra for me for more than afew years during that time, for
me for more than a few yearsduring that time, and it's
(13:33):
tattooed on her.
You guys, it is tattooed on myfoot.
Yeah, never settle.
But you know, it's that kind ofmission.
I was on a mission to make itdifferent, to make a change for
my own personal life.
If you're feeling that way,then this is where those things
come into play.
Reframe your story, turn thepage.
(13:54):
You have the ability to makewhatever.
The outcome is completely inyour control.
Speaker 2 (14:01):
Right, well, and also , like you had mentioned a
second ago, looking atsituations that you're in as
lessons and not failure.
Yes, I mean, there's beendefinite situations where I've
been in them and I've been like,oh shit, I got to get myself
out of this and I didn't look atit like a failure at all, I
just looked at it like part ofthe journey and it's not taking.
(14:22):
It's not a lack ofaccountability, because that's
not at all what I'm talkingabout.
It's more like I can choose tolet this put me down further, or
I can choose to use it assomething that is going to make
me better or more well-roundedor have a different type of
experience.
And it's really up to me, it'sup to you ladies, it's up to you
(14:42):
, michelle.
How we choose to do that isreally our own decision and
nobody else's really.
Speaker 1 (14:48):
And that's the action .
Yeah, that's what step three isis releasing it with action.
So what are some of the thingsthat one can do to bring them
through?
Letting go, because they haveto be actionable things?
Speaker 2 (15:07):
Yeah Right.
Well, there's definitelyrituals and things, symbols,
symbolic things, that you can do.
Yeah, like on summer solstice,winter solstice, which is
obviously twice a year there'sthis process, like at wintertime
, where we had the Yule log andwe all wrote down what we want,
our intention, whatever it was.
Everybody's different, nobodysaw each other.
(15:28):
And then you made whatever youknow secret promise to yourself,
or ever you know mantra, oryour prayer, whatever you were
doing.
And then you threw it in thefire.
Yeah, and you know,symbolically, you're supposed to
let it go.
Now, does that work?
Speaker 1 (15:44):
I don't know.
The action of doing that is notwhat makes it happen.
No, but it's the intentionbehind it, right, and the action
of actually doing that, writingit down.
You hear so many times abouthow much more goals are
achievable.
Write them down, if you saythem out loud, if you have them
in front of you.
If you tell someone Exactly yeah, because then you're
(16:05):
accountable, yeah, so same thingwith letting shit go Write it
down, light it on fire, let itgo up into the air and
disintegrate, because that iswhat we are doing.
Speaker 2 (16:15):
We are letting it go.
When we say let it go, thoughwe're not, we don't mean like
pretend it like it didn't happen.
Right, right, it's just likeRelease, bless and release it is
(17:05):
part of what makes you who youare and you know the strength
that you have as a woman, goingthrough what you have gone
through, and you can speak tothose experiences just like we
are right now.
Right, I know we've talkedabout dancing, just body
movement in general exercisethat helps to.
Speaker 1 (17:20):
It's always sore, but it's like I find like when I'm
like when I'm at night trying tojust like literally relax, not
have, like maybe I'll have rainsounds on, I really need it.
I have to physically tellmyself, okay, I on to all of
that pain, that pain, thatstress, that tension our body,
yeah, we don't even realize, Iknow, and so that goes kind of
back to self-care too.
Speaker 2 (17:41):
But you don't realize it until you start grinding
your teeth, like I left when Iwas at Nordstrom.
I like cracked my, I cracked mymolar from grinding my teeth,
oh my goodness.
Well, you know of course I wasstressed out beyond all belief.
I wouldn't have admitted thatto anyone.
Speaker 1 (17:56):
at that time, we loved our job.
Speaker 2 (17:58):
We loved our job.
Are we saying that like a cult?
We?
Speaker 1 (18:02):
love our job.
Speaker 2 (18:03):
But we did let it go.
We did let it go and it was thebest decision ever, Although I
got to say I learned so muchfrom being there that I'm never
going to regret it.
Speaker 1 (18:11):
Me too.
Speaker 2 (18:11):
I'm thankful for my yeah, I let go of my teeth
grinding.
Speaker 1 (18:14):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (18:16):
I'm not kidding.
I did not even connect the dotsuntil maybe a year later.
And then all of a sudden I'mlike I'd gone to the dentist and
he was like you're not grindingyour teeth anymore.
Speaker 1 (18:24):
I mean in general, it has to do with whether you're
happy or not, because, same Iwas, I had that issue until the
job I'm at now for the lastthree years Completely cool, I'm
happy.
There's stressful moments, butit's in a completely different
way.
Speaker 2 (18:45):
Yeah, you're not bringing it home.
Holds on to a lot of thetension and the stress and you
know you're.
You may try to convey adifferent persona on the outside
, but on the inside, if you'vegot stuff going on that is
because of relationship baggagethat you are holding on to, then
it's acknowledging it as thefirst step you know, let it go,
(19:08):
yeah, let it go.
So let let's talk about maybestep forward in setting
boundaries and breaking some ofthese patterns.
Speaker 1 (19:14):
Yeah, so how do you recognize these toxic cycles?
And you find yourselfcompletely.
(19:36):
You know, you get this angstwithin you, whether it's text
messages or whatever it is aphone call from a certain
individual.
Speaker 2 (19:47):
I'm just speaking of my ex-husband and going through
things or you see it come up ontheir phone.
You're like, oh no.
Speaker 1 (19:53):
Yeah, you have to recognize what that does to your
body, your mind, your soulcompletely and, if that's
happening, making the decisionto commit to making healthier
choices.
Whether it's blocking, right,yeah, delete, block, move on,
(20:16):
you know, not engage in thosetoxic conversations, whatever.
It is, just letting it be.
Speaker 2 (20:23):
You know, let's talk about that blocking thing for a
second I hesitate with thatsometimes only because it feels
very juvenile, but at the sametime it's like it's out of sight
out of mind.
Speaker 1 (20:35):
Well, here's the thing it is out of sight, out of
mind, and when you're having todeal with text message after
text message after text messageafter text message after text
message after text message, andthat I would block, you're just
trying to get on with your day,right?
Or phone call after phone calland being paged to where you're
(20:59):
at working.
I'm talking about these thingsbecause I have experienced this
Right and, yeah, that in itselfis the juvenile part.
So blocking that is really not.
It's actually healthy.
That's the healthy choice is tocut that out so that you can
(21:19):
have peace and move about withthe things that you're trying to
move about with and you don'thave that person.
And you don't have that.
They don't have control.
You have control when you dothat.
Speaker 2 (21:31):
I think the key is if you're blocking and unblocking.
Speaker 1 (21:34):
Yeah, then that's it.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
Then you're kind of creating more of the drama and
the angst for yourself.
If you're blocking, unblocking100%.
I remember I had been in a fewyears ago in a relationship that
was been in a few years ago ina relationship that wasn't I
didn't realize it was very toxic.
It was pretty toxic and exactlywhat you're talking about was
happening because I, you know, Iwas like I was done, I was just
I was not moving forward withthis and it was a really hard
(21:57):
thing, I think, for him to graspand I was having a hard time
grasping it and so it's not easy.
The blocking and the unblockingand the blocking, I mean it was
just it was so much drama andtoxic behavior and it was so not
good for me.
Yeah, but it took me a while tokind of process through some of
that and get over it and try tofigure it out and then really
(22:20):
realize.
You know, I really kind of feelsorry for this person because
they're so fucked up.
Speaker 1 (22:25):
Who is it?
I think it's Mel Robbins.
Yeah, she's got the whole letthem thing.
Yeah, right, and I can't speaka lot to it because I haven't
dove into it 100 percent, butthat's what that's all about.
Let them, yeah, do all that ifthey want, let them.
That is not.
It is not going to speak to howI control that situation.
Speaker 2 (22:44):
Yeah, or how you choose to participate Exactly.
Yeah, well, and I think the keytoo is whether you choose to
participate Right or not.
Yeah, yeah.
It's so much.
It's never easy, but it's muchmore recognizable now.
But if you want toxic shit outof your life, it's shit or get
off the potluck Right, let it go.
(23:04):
Well, that's the whole thing.
It's kind of like is it toxicenough to let it go, or is it
something that you're holding onto because it brings you
self-worth?
or brings you what you perceivedvalue, or it's attention.
It could be attention if it'sfrom you know a significant
other, or someone who you'redating.
I mean, it could be any ofthose things.
So you have to.
Speaker 1 (23:24):
Kind of brings us into step five, which is you
(23:50):
know, really grasping andembracing what is going on now
Right, and being open to whatlies ahead in the future.
Speaker 2 (24:02):
So let me ask you this it's like you have people
that are in your past, let's saythat have had really unhealthy,
toxic behavior 15 years ago, 20years ago, yeah.
Do they remain in the past?
You know what?
Or do you continue judging themon whatever happened 20 years
ago?
Or is that person someone whoyou would allow back in your
(24:24):
life, because I mean do you seewhat I'm saying?
Someone who would be?
Speaker 1 (24:27):
back you would allow back in your life, because, I
mean, do you see what I'm saying?
I do see what you're saying andI think it.
There's a whole lot ofdifferent circumstances there,
you know, I guess and it'scoming to mind, of course, the
man that I was married to for 26years right, of course, the
things in the past, though thoseare all experiences that will
be in the past.
But to avoid and to be able tomove on and be open to things in
(24:51):
the future, you have to letthose things remain in the past.
Don't continue to bring them upwith what's happening now.
Don't compare with what youhave going on now.
If you're in a new relationship, don't bring that into what you
have going on now.
Speaker 2 (25:08):
It does not have anything, it's not to say that
you wouldn't want to learn fromwhatever those situations are.
Speaker 1 (25:14):
I was going to say it doesn't have anything to do
with what is going on now.
You've learned from what you'veexperienced, right, and you can
bring that into what's going onnow, but I think it's kind of a
it's a very delicate balance.
It is a very delicate balance.
Speaker 2 (25:28):
You're like, you have your.
You know, let's talk dating fora sec your red flags.
Yeah, you know the red flags ofthings that you know are have
been toxic in the past.
Yeah, and do you still ignorethose red flags because they're
different?
Or, moving on, I'm stronger, doI identify those things more?
And then you get yourself backinto the same place because the
(25:48):
person's the same, has the sametendencies as maybe the person
that you were with before, andthat's why you see people
getting, you know, married anddivorced, or you know, being out
with the same people anddropping that person, ending up
with another person that's verysimilar.
You know, maybe it's a type, Idon't know.
I think some of those thingsyou have to really analyze
(26:09):
yourself, because you don't makethe decisions, or I shouldn't
say that the other way around.
It's like you make thedecisions on who you're spending
your time with.
Well, I think you have tochoose yourself first.
Speaker 1 (26:21):
Right, you have to must.
Over and above everything else,you must choose yourself first,
and do you think that'sperceived as selfish?
I think it can be perceived asselfish, but you and I both know
that you have to do that.
Speaker 2 (26:38):
You have to do that.
It's kind of like when you'reon the airplane and you're
supposed to put your mask onfirst before you help the person
next to you, Because if youdon't have your mask on then you
can't really help the littlekid next to you because you'll
be passed out.
Speaker 1 (26:50):
Here's the thing.
If you're choosing yourselffirst, in many different
situations and with regard toyou know, self-love and some of
the mindset shifts mindsetshifts that we're talking about
dating, for example, andchoosing to trust love again, if
you're choosing yourself first,you will be more self-aware of
(27:14):
what brings you happiness, whatthings you will allow, what you
won't allow, and everybody.
There's different circumstances, like somebody's heart and
mindset is going to be differentin a whole new person, right,
and they will have had theirwhole life experiences and
(27:35):
things that have brought them tothat point.
There's a whole lot that has tobe taken into consideration.
It is not cut and dried likethat.
That's like my mantra of neversettle.
I can't just be like, oh, I'mnever going to settle again
because this, that and the otherthing that I experienced in the
past Right, because people youknow as you move through and go
(27:57):
forward into the future andpeople that you allow into your
life.
It's just so many differentcircumstances.
It is not cut and dried.
You have to pay attention, youhave to know what you want for
yourself, what you will allowfor yourself and, once you're
(28:17):
self-aware and, I think,trusting choose yourself, yeah
trusting your instincts andchoosing yourself first.
You know it's proceed withcaution but at the same time
take those risks.
Life is too short.
Speaker 2 (28:32):
Well, and I think, learning from past mistakes,
learning from past decisions,it's like I 100% agree with you.
I think if you take all ofthose hurts and you pile them
all up, we all have them.
If you take them into the next,let's say, romantic
relationship, you're going to bedealing with the same, don't?
Do that you may have somepretty amazing person.
Yes, that is like why are younot trusting me?
Speaker 1 (28:55):
And nobody's perfect.
Speaker 2 (28:56):
No, including us.
Yes, I know it's hard tobelieve Joking, yeah, but yeah,
if you take those things intothe next relationship that you
have, you're going to have someof the same problems, because
they're really coming from you.
Yeah, unless you're choosingsomeone who has the same
characteristics, which we fallinto those patterns we do.
If you're looking at what yourquote type is, you can fall into
(29:23):
those patterns pretty easily.
And it's funny because in thedating world I can even tell you
myself if I see someone or runacross someone who looks like my
ex-husband and he's agood-looking guy, it's not like
he's not a good looking guy,it's more like if he has that
persona, if he has that the vibe, the vibe, if he's in the vibe
law enforcement I'm just like Igo run the other freaking
(29:44):
direction.
I won't even I won't be hunting.
You know all the things that Iwas.
I don't want to deal with thatanymore, and so it's really not
fair, right, but it's.
It is what it is.
It's like I know what I'veexperienced and I know you know.
If some of those little thingsare in there, great, but it's
like the vast majority of what Iwould want in a relationship is
not that.
What I would want in arelationship is not that.
(30:05):
I already had that, so you gotto learn from what you had, yeah
.
Speaker 1 (30:13):
And basically impart what you want going forward, and
I think part of that, I guessthat's what maybe a challenge
would be that I put out to youlisteners right now.
All you spicy midlife women outthere you know, write down
maybe something that is pastrelationship baggage that is
(30:35):
holding you back, identify it,write it down and make the
conscious decision to release it.
Right, we don't have to, like,burn it in the fire like we were
talking about or anything likethat.
You can just write it down,recognize it that it's holding
you back and then rip that paperup, right.
(30:56):
You know what?
Speaker 2 (30:56):
else you could do.
Speaker 1 (30:57):
Just like throw it up in the air and dance it out.
Speaker 2 (30:59):
Yeah, you say I give no fucks, zero, zero.
Well, I was thinking it's likeone really good way to release,
like when you're justfrustrating, when you're angry,
frustrated, whatever is justtake your pillow and scream your
bloody head off in your pillowyeah, I've had to do that before
and it actually made me feelbetter.
Yeah, you know, just likegetting some of that tension out
and it doesn't change thecircumstances, but I felt better
(31:21):
write it, write it down, rip itup, dance it out.
Speaker 1 (31:25):
Yeah, there we.
Speaker 2 (31:27):
And we would love you guys to share your thoughts,
too, with your podcast communitythat we're building, because we
all have been dealing withsomething in one capacity or
another.
Whether it's a friendship, afamily member, a romantic
relationship, it doesn't reallymatter, but it's like the
baggage that we bring with it,you know, is something that we
control and we can make adecision on if we want to hold
(31:47):
on to it and be angry people orbitter people or, you know,
people who don't trust anythingor anybody, and live our life
that way.
Speaker 1 (31:56):
There's no way to live, it isn't no?
Speaker 2 (31:59):
I mean, I can think of this lady.
She's my aunt, she's dead now,but she, I know.
Speaker 1 (32:04):
I don't mean to laugh , just the way you said that my,
yeah, this lady, she's my now,but she, I know I don't mean to
laugh.
Speaker 2 (32:07):
It's just the way you said that my, yeah, this lady
she's my aunt.
She's dead now, she's gone now,but she, it's funny as I've
learned more about her.
You know she was my godmothergrowing up.
But anyway, long and short ofit is, she was married to my
uncle, who's an alcoholic, andhe was not physically abusive,
but he was very verbally abusive, from what I remember, and it
was an ugly divorce, ugly, uglydivorce.
And I was probably I don't know14, 15 or something when they
(32:31):
got divorced.
She never let it go.
Speaker 1 (32:35):
Yeah, you got to let it go, ladies, but you literally
could see over the years, herbitterness and her anger and her
cynicalness just eating heraway.
Speaker 2 (32:44):
Yeah, you know, and she died that way and it's sad.
I think it's really sad becauseshe could have had a really
lovely productive life where shelearned joy and happiness.
And she chose she physicallychose not to, and you know, and
that's her decision, obviously,but what a waste, what a waste
of a life is kind of how I lookat it.
Speaker 1 (33:05):
There you go, write it down, rip it up, dance it out
, dance it out.
Dance it out, dance it out.
All right, but back to thecommunity.
So this is part of we are soexcited to, and will continue to
(33:34):
, build a community for womenwho are at that stage in life,
asking questions, being curious,and we're going to make a
landing place for all of you sothat we can, you know, learn
from each other and grow andhave fun with it.
Speaker 2 (33:46):
And there's some pretty amazing experiences that
you know you have had out therethat I think all of us can
benefit from.
Speaker 1 (33:52):
We need to all learn from each other.
So the Spicy Midlife Womenpodcast is out there on whatever
podcast platform is yourpreference, that's a lot of P's,
I know.
Is your preference.
You will find us out there, aswell as on the socials Facebook,
spicy Midlife Women, instagram.
(34:13):
We are out there on TikTok andeven YouTube, so just check us
out.
We are excited to be here andcan't wait to bring you all
along with us in the.
Spicy Midlife Women community.
That's right.
Speaker 2 (34:28):
Because we're spicy.
Yeah, all right, until nextweek then, ladies, keep it spicy
, yeah, and we'll chat with yousoon.
Speaker 1 (34:36):
All right, later Stay spicy.
Speaker 2 (34:38):
Peace out, bye, bye.
Hey everybody, jules and Michelle, here we are, two
spicy midlife women sharing ourreal life stories and having no
BS conversations.
That's bullshit.
I know no bullshit here.
Let me tell you.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
Right, jules, that is so true.
Ms Shelly Belly, that's right.
And you guys, we're here tohelp you, all of you, you
midlife women out there,redefine your relationships,
ditch toxic cycles and reclaimyour power, one episode at a
time.
So let's get into it.
Let's get into it.
What do?
Speaker 1 (00:33):
we got today, michelle, you know we are going
to share with you five steps tobreaking free from past
relationship baggage.
We all got that baggage, don'twe?
Oh girl.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
This isn't just like romantic stuff.
Speaker 1 (00:50):
No.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
This is all kinds of relationship baggage, just
baggage in general Let it go.
And how do we do that, right?
Well, I don't know.
Speaker 1 (01:03):
How do you even start when you're looking back?
Is there a time when yourealized that you needed to let
go?
Do you recall?
Speaker 2 (01:10):
Yes, I think there's been different periods of time
where I knew that I needed tolet go.
And I think, like thinking froma friendship standpoint we have
talked about that before wherewe have friendships that are
cyclical, you know, some willlast a long time, some will not
last a long time.
(01:30):
They might last for a season,you might be in someone else's
life for a specific reason orvice versa, but those
relationships will, you know,naturally kind of dissipate, you
know, come to an end.
When I think of relationshipbaggage, I think of the person
in your life who sucks the lifeout of you.
(01:51):
Yeah, person, people, all of itand it might not even be
something that they realize thatthey're doing to the degree
that they're doing it, and it'sa very difficult conversation
which again we were discussingearlier to have with someone
that you care about because youknow that you know if you don't
do it correctly, it could reallycreate issues.
(02:13):
It could create some walls andunhealthy responses or what have
you.
So that's where I get a littlebit stuck sometimes.
But I absolutely 100% have donethat and on the flip side of
that, just to be fair, therehave been people that have done
that with me too.
I know we've all got that.
It goes both ways.
I mean I can think of very darktimes in my life when I was
(02:37):
really not probably the bestperson to be around because I
wasn't even comfortable being inmy own skin.
So I think about that now andif I look at those people and
how they maybe handled thosethings, it was maybe not how I
would have handled it, but youknow.
Speaker 1 (02:51):
Right, so we're like two 60-year-old women with
hindsight wanting to share someof this with maybe some of you
midlife women that are justentering into the 40s.
Yeah, so you can maybe betteridentify than we did some of
those things, because it's superimportant to clear that
emotional clutter so you canthrive going forward and into
(03:14):
the future.
Speaker 2 (03:15):
I think we have a tendency to, like I said before,
we don't want to hurt people,we don't want to hurt people's
feelings.
Sometimes the easiest way toand I use air quotes on that all
the problem is to avoid it.
That's not necessarily healthy,but that's the reality of you
know.
When you don't really know whatto do about something,
(03:35):
sometimes the easiest way toapproach it is to not do
anything at all.
Exactly.
Oh, I'm busy that day.
Oh, I forgot about that, youknow, and that can be in a lot
of different aspects.
But when I'm thinking of, whenI think of relationship baggage,
I'm thinking of friendships,because when you think about
family, whether and we've talkedabout families before in their
family typically there's goingto be at least one.
(03:56):
Apparently I'm the black sheep.
I am too.
I know which kind of cracks meup because I'm so not a black
sheep.
I mean, that just goes to showhow pristine my family and
they're, just like they don't doanything wrong apparently.
(04:17):
Oh yeah, and I'm theself-diagnosed.
Speaker 1 (04:21):
I'm self-diagnosed black right because really it's
like yeah, in the big scope ofthings I mean I really have not
done anything horrible there'sall those relationships, right,
you know, because I think of therelationship baggage that I
have with my ex-husband yeah,you know, my boy's dad, and
you're thinking of friendships.
There's an array of things likethat that we start to recognize
(04:46):
and carry.
So I think that's the step.
One I would say is to identifythe weight of what baggage you
are carrying, right, is itregrets, resentment, guilt, all
of those?
Speaker 2 (05:02):
things resentment guilt, all of those things now
did you just like, read my mindor something?
I mean, there you go, becausewhen you talk about this, like
like the relationship, let'sjust talk about that for a
second relationship baggage inregard to your marriage or
divorce or whatever, how longhas it taken you to really even
be able to say that out loud?
Yeah, I'm feeling guilty,without feeling that resentment
and letting it convey to otherthings.
(05:23):
Yeah, I mean, that's so true.
Yeah, and now it's kind of likeyou're far enough behind it.
Yes, you've moved on, and he'sno longer with us.
Right which probably Sadly,yeah.
That probably, you know, hassomething to do with maybe your
softened approach on it.
Speaker 1 (05:38):
But perspective is everything.
Speaker 2 (05:40):
When you're in the heat of something, whether it be
, you know, a toxic type ofrelationship, or whether it be
dealing with, you know, familyissues or whatever.
You don't really think aboutthings to the same degree that
you do when you have thatclarity looking backward, and I
think the key though, if I maysay, is what you do with that,
like how you use thatperspective to further you with
(06:03):
other relationships.
Speaker 1 (06:05):
Well, and the hard part with that is, I think
sometimes we tend to hold on tosome of those hurts and some of
those feelings longer than weneed to.
Why do you think that isBecause of the guilt at that.
I mean, I brought up guilt,resentment and regrets.
I think that part has to dowith guilt.
Speaker 2 (06:24):
Yeah, for me anyways, when I think about it, yeah,
yeah, well, I mean, I can thinkof a family member that I
obviously love very much, butwho I have, I can only take in
doses for that very reason,because the guilt is just.
It is so heavy.
And I've established thoseboundaries and tried to explain
(06:46):
the boundaries, although I don'tfeel like my message is really
being heard.
Maybe they're listening, butthey're not necessarily hearing,
and so it really comes acrosslike I am being selfish or like
I'm being self-serving, you know, because I'm not putting myself
out there, I'm not sharing alot of the same information,
because, I mean, what it reallyboils down to is like I don't
(07:06):
really need to have someone'scommentary on my decisions or my
life.
I'm a grown ass woman, you knowand unless I ask for it and I
think a lot of the time youreceive that commentary we're
talking about from peoplebecause they think that they
have a right to do that, becausethey are your family, when in
reality it's like they don't.
Yeah, so that's kind of onethought process.
(07:29):
The going back to therelationship baggage with exes.
It's like the amount of angerand resentment and just
furiousness with thecommunication and just the
shittiness that goes along withjust about every divorce in one
capacity or another.
If you haven't had that, thenyou're living it.
I know I was going to say ofcourse we're talking about our
(07:50):
own experiences and ones thatwe're familiar with but that
might not be the case foreverybody agrees that the
parting ways or separating andstarting to live separate lives
is the right decision.
For the two people and theirfamily, you know, if they have
(08:12):
children and things like thatit's still a tremendous loss.
Speaker 1 (08:15):
Yeah, it is.
Speaker 2 (08:16):
Yeah, it is baggage, because if you don't address it
then it just you carry it on tothe next thing.
I mean, think about it.
It's like when you were married.
It's like the issues that youwere dealing with then you
weren't married.
It's like if you weren'tcareful, you could take all of
that same shit that you wereresponsible for.
Because we're not I mean, wehave half of the contribution
(08:38):
you know Sure.
But you could take that intothe next relationship and it's
like Groundhog's Day.
Speaker 1 (08:42):
Yeah, Ladies, do not do that.
Let that shit go.
It has no place into somethingthat you're stepping into.
So that takes us really to steptwo as far as what we're
talking about, and that is toreframe the story.
That would be step two.
So one is identifying theweight of the baggage that
(09:02):
you're carrying and then two.
So one is identifying theweight of the baggage that
you're carrying and then two,reframing the story and what the
power of perception has to dowith that.
Right, have you wanted?
Speaker 2 (09:11):
if you think about it , if you've run across people,
or yourself or myself, you knowwhen you are out there.
In those circumstances and,michelle, suspension power
perception how do you shiftyourself from being the victim
of something to being empoweredby something Empowered
Absolutely, yeah, I mean itcould be a physically abusive
(09:34):
relation.
There could be kinds of thingslike that where you truly are
the victim.
Maybe you're the victim ofverbal abuse, maybe you know
you're the victim of, you knowincestuous, you know behavior,
whatever the case may be.
How do you shift from victim?
Because when you're in victimof incestuous behavior, whatever
the case may be, how do youshift from victim?
Because when you're in victimmode, you're constantly trying
to dig yourself out of a hole?
Speaker 1 (09:52):
For me.
I mean, it's so interestingbecause I only know this,
because I've learned it, I'vemoved through that, and for me I
had to take those experiencesand treat them as lessons, right
Lessons, and not failures.
Speaker 2 (10:12):
Well, so how long did it take you to get to the point
where you gave yourself theability to do that?
Speaker 1 (10:17):
It took a while, right, because you know, for
you're going into flight orfight or flight mode, right yeah
, and your survival mode, if youwill, and you're just like
doing whatever you have to getthrough things.
And it's not until you get tothis point where you're like,
(10:39):
okay, and you have toself-recognize some of the
things and what it is you wantgoing forward and that's where
the empowered part comes in.
Speaker 2 (10:52):
But that goes back to other things like your level of
self-confidence for example.
I mean if you've been in asituation where you've never
really had the ability to bearound people who have empowered
you, even as a child or as ateenager, or in a marriage or
with your family, whatever thecase may be.
How do you turn into anempowered person if you don't
(11:14):
even know what that looks?
Speaker 1 (11:14):
like If you want those things.
I guess I can only speak frommy own experience, right, and I
didn't know what I didn't know,but I knew that what was is not
what I wanted to be, and I knewwho I wasn't, who I really
(11:36):
wanted to be or who I was, whoyou were meant to be, yeah,
right, and so it just startedthis.
You know you have to dive inand start looking at things and
what things really bring you joyand you know what moments
(11:57):
really bring you true happinessand what all that is.
And then you recognize the needfor setting boundaries so that
you can accomplish those things.
And it is a process.
It is not something that isjust oh, I need to do this and
yep, everything's.
You know, yippee, skippee, andhere we go.
(12:17):
No, it is a lot of-.
It's not a switch.
Intention, it is not a switchthat you can flip.
There's a lot of intentionbehind it and, I think, a lot of
self-awareness too, and that'swhere I believe people struggle,
myself included.
I mean thinking about.
Speaker 2 (12:34):
You know, we'll talk about the marriage for a moment
when we talk about, like in stepone, identifying the weight.
I can recall very specificallysaying when my divorce was final
and it's not like my husbandbeat me or was abused, it wasn't
anything like that, but it wasnot a healthy relation but I
remember very distinctly sayingI felt like I could breathe
(13:00):
again and it was okay.
Speaker 1 (13:01):
That chapter, technically, is over.
Now it's on me.
No excuse.
Kind of scary, isn't it too?
Speaker 2 (13:03):
at the same time it's totally scary because it's like
okay, all these things that youclaim that you wanted there's
nobody to blame anymore, right?
Speaker 1 (13:11):
You can't say, well, this, that or the other thing,
it's all on you.
Yeah, and I think that's partof the motivation.
It was for me anyways, part ofthe motivation to move forward
in a different direction.
Those of you that know me knowthat never settle was a big
mantra for me for more than afew years during that time, for
me for more than a few yearsduring that time, and it's
(13:33):
tattooed on her.
You guys, it is tattooed on myfoot.
Yeah, never settle.
But you know, it's that kind ofmission.
I was on a mission to make itdifferent, to make a change for
my own personal life.
If you're feeling that way,then this is where those things
come into play.
Reframe your story, turn thepage.
(13:54):
You have the ability to makewhatever.
The outcome is completely inyour control.
Speaker 2 (14:01):
Right, well, and also , like you had mentioned a
second ago, looking atsituations that you're in as
lessons and not failure.
Yes, I mean, there's beendefinite situations where I've
been in them and I've been like,oh shit, I got to get myself
out of this and I didn't look atit like a failure at all, I
just looked at it like part ofthe journey and it's not taking.
(14:22):
It's not a lack ofaccountability, because that's
not at all what I'm talkingabout.
It's more like I can choose tolet this put me down further, or
I can choose to use it assomething that is going to make
me better or more well-roundedor have a different type of
experience.
And it's really up to me, it'sup to you ladies, it's up to you
(14:42):
, michelle.
How we choose to do that isreally our own decision and
nobody else's really.
Speaker 1 (14:48):
And that's the action .
Yeah, that's what step three isis releasing it with action.
So what are some of the thingsthat one can do to bring them
through?
Letting go, because they haveto be actionable things?
Speaker 2 (15:07):
Yeah Right.
Well, there's definitelyrituals and things, symbols,
symbolic things, that you can do.
Yeah, like on summer solstice,winter solstice, which is
obviously twice a year there'sthis process, like at wintertime
, where we had the Yule log andwe all wrote down what we want,
our intention, whatever it was.
Everybody's different, nobodysaw each other.
(15:28):
And then you made whatever youknow secret promise to yourself,
or ever you know mantra, oryour prayer, whatever you were
doing.
And then you threw it in thefire.
Yeah, and you know,symbolically, you're supposed to
let it go.
Now, does that work?
Speaker 1 (15:44):
I don't know.
The action of doing that is notwhat makes it happen.
No, but it's the intentionbehind it, right, and the action
of actually doing that, writingit down.
You hear so many times abouthow much more goals are
achievable.
Write them down, if you saythem out loud, if you have them
in front of you.
If you tell someone Exactly yeah, because then you're
(16:05):
accountable, yeah, so same thingwith letting shit go Write it
down, light it on fire, let itgo up into the air and
disintegrate, because that iswhat we are doing.
Speaker 2 (16:15):
We are letting it go.
When we say let it go, thoughwe're not, we don't mean like
pretend it like it didn't happen.
Right, right, it's just likeRelease, bless and release it is
(17:05):
part of what makes you who youare and you know the strength
that you have as a woman, goingthrough what you have gone
through, and you can speak tothose experiences just like we
are right now.
Right, I know we've talkedabout dancing, just body
movement in general exercisethat helps to.
Speaker 1 (17:20):
It's always sore, but it's like I find like when I'm
like when I'm at night trying tojust like literally relax, not
have, like maybe I'll have rainsounds on, I really need it.
I have to physically tellmyself, okay, I on to all of
that pain, that pain, thatstress, that tension our body,
yeah, we don't even realize, Iknow, and so that goes kind of
back to self-care too.
Speaker 2 (17:41):
But you don't realize it until you start grinding
your teeth, like I left when Iwas at Nordstrom.
I like cracked my, I cracked mymolar from grinding my teeth,
oh my goodness.
Well, you know of course I wasstressed out beyond all belief.
I wouldn't have admitted thatto anyone.
Speaker 1 (17:56):
at that time, we loved our job.
Speaker 2 (17:58):
We loved our job.
Are we saying that like a cult?
We?
Speaker 1 (18:02):
love our job.
Speaker 2 (18:03):
But we did let it go.
We did let it go and it was thebest decision ever, Although I
got to say I learned so muchfrom being there that I'm never
going to regret it.
Speaker 1 (18:11):
Me too.
Speaker 2 (18:11):
I'm thankful for my yeah, I let go of my teeth
grinding.
Speaker 1 (18:14):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (18:16):
I'm not kidding.
I did not even connect the dotsuntil maybe a year later.
And then all of a sudden I'mlike I'd gone to the dentist and
he was like you're not grindingyour teeth anymore.
Speaker 1 (18:24):
I mean in general, it has to do with whether you're
happy or not, because, same Iwas, I had that issue until the
job I'm at now for the lastthree years Completely cool, I'm
happy.
There's stressful moments, butit's in a completely different
way.
Speaker 2 (18:45):
Yeah, you're not bringing it home.
Holds on to a lot of thetension and the stress and you
know you're.
You may try to convey adifferent persona on the outside
, but on the inside, if you'vegot stuff going on that is
because of relationship baggagethat you are holding on to, then
it's acknowledging it as thefirst step you know, let it go,
(19:08):
yeah, let it go.
So let let's talk about maybestep forward in setting
boundaries and breaking some ofthese patterns.
Speaker 1 (19:14):
Yeah, so how do you recognize these toxic cycles?
And you find yourselfcompletely.
(19:36):
You know, you get this angstwithin you, whether it's text
messages or whatever it is aphone call from a certain
individual.
Speaker 2 (19:47):
I'm just speaking of my ex-husband and going through
things or you see it come up ontheir phone.
You're like, oh no.
Speaker 1 (19:53):
Yeah, you have to recognize what that does to your
body, your mind, your soulcompletely and, if that's
happening, making the decisionto commit to making healthier
choices.
Whether it's blocking, right,yeah, delete, block, move on,
(20:16):
you know, not engage in thosetoxic conversations, whatever.
It is, just letting it be.
Speaker 2 (20:23):
You know, let's talk about that blocking thing for a
second I hesitate with thatsometimes only because it feels
very juvenile, but at the sametime it's like it's out of sight
out of mind.
Speaker 1 (20:35):
Well, here's the thing it is out of sight, out of
mind, and when you're having todeal with text message after
text message after text messageafter text message after text
message after text message, andthat I would block, you're just
trying to get on with your day,right?
Or phone call after phone calland being paged to where you're
(20:59):
at working.
I'm talking about these thingsbecause I have experienced this
Right and, yeah, that in itselfis the juvenile part.
So blocking that is really not.
It's actually healthy.
That's the healthy choice is tocut that out so that you can
(21:19):
have peace and move about withthe things that you're trying to
move about with and you don'thave that person.
And you don't have that.
They don't have control.
You have control when you dothat.
Speaker 2 (21:31):
I think the key is if you're blocking and unblocking.
Speaker 1 (21:34):
Yeah, then that's it.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
Then you're kind of creating more of the drama and
the angst for yourself.
If you're blocking, unblocking100%.
I remember I had been in a fewyears ago in a relationship that
was been in a few years ago ina relationship that wasn't I
didn't realize it was very toxic.
It was pretty toxic and exactlywhat you're talking about was
happening because I, you know, Iwas like I was done, I was just
I was not moving forward withthis and it was a really hard
(21:57):
thing, I think, for him to graspand I was having a hard time
grasping it and so it's not easy.
The blocking and the unblockingand the blocking, I mean it was
just it was so much drama andtoxic behavior and it was so not
good for me.
Yeah, but it took me a while tokind of process through some of
that and get over it and try tofigure it out and then really
(22:20):
realize.
You know, I really kind of feelsorry for this person because
they're so fucked up.
Speaker 1 (22:25):
Who is it?
I think it's Mel Robbins.
Yeah, she's got the whole letthem thing.
Yeah, right, and I can't speaka lot to it because I haven't
dove into it 100 percent, butthat's what that's all about.
Let them, yeah, do all that ifthey want, let them.
That is not.
It is not going to speak to howI control that situation.
Speaker 2 (22:44):
Yeah, or how you choose to participate Exactly.
Yeah, well, and I think the keytoo is whether you choose to
participate Right or not.
Yeah, yeah.
It's so much.
It's never easy, but it's muchmore recognizable now.
But if you want toxic shit outof your life, it's shit or get
off the potluck Right, let it go.
(23:04):
Well, that's the whole thing.
It's kind of like is it toxicenough to let it go, or is it
something that you're holding onto because it brings you
self-worth?
or brings you what you perceivedvalue, or it's attention.
It could be attention if it'sfrom you know a significant
other, or someone who you'redating.
I mean, it could be any ofthose things.
So you have to.
Speaker 1 (23:24):
Kind of brings us into step five, which is you
(23:50):
know, really grasping andembracing what is going on now
Right, and being open to whatlies ahead in the future.
Speaker 2 (24:02):
So let me ask you this it's like you have people
that are in your past, let's saythat have had really unhealthy,
toxic behavior 15 years ago, 20years ago, yeah.
Do they remain in the past?
You know what?
Or do you continue judging themon whatever happened 20 years
ago?
Or is that person someone whoyou would allow back in your
(24:24):
life, because I mean do you seewhat I'm saying?
Someone who would be?
Speaker 1 (24:27):
back you would allow back in your life, because, I
mean, do you see what I'm saying?
I do see what you're saying andI think it.
There's a whole lot ofdifferent circumstances there,
you know, I guess and it'scoming to mind, of course, the
man that I was married to for 26years right, of course, the
things in the past, though thoseare all experiences that will
be in the past.
But to avoid and to be able tomove on and be open to things in
(24:51):
the future, you have to letthose things remain in the past.
Don't continue to bring them upwith what's happening now.
Don't compare with what youhave going on now.
If you're in a new relationship, don't bring that into what you
have going on now.
Speaker 2 (25:08):
It does not have anything, it's not to say that
you wouldn't want to learn fromwhatever those situations are.
Speaker 1 (25:14):
I was going to say it doesn't have anything to do
with what is going on now.
You've learned from what you'veexperienced, right, and you can
bring that into what's going onnow, but I think it's kind of a
it's a very delicate balance.
It is a very delicate balance.
Speaker 2 (25:28):
You're like, you have your.
You know, let's talk dating fora sec your red flags.
Yeah, you know the red flags ofthings that you know are have
been toxic in the past.
Yeah, and do you still ignorethose red flags because they're
different?
Or, moving on, I'm stronger, doI identify those things more?
And then you get yourself backinto the same place because the
(25:48):
person's the same, has the sametendencies as maybe the person
that you were with before, andthat's why you see people
getting, you know, married anddivorced, or you know, being out
with the same people anddropping that person, ending up
with another person that's verysimilar.
You know, maybe it's a type, Idon't know.
I think some of those thingsyou have to really analyze
(26:09):
yourself, because you don't makethe decisions, or I shouldn't
say that the other way around.
It's like you make thedecisions on who you're spending
your time with.
Well, I think you have tochoose yourself first.
Speaker 1 (26:21):
Right, you have to must.
Over and above everything else,you must choose yourself first,
and do you think that'sperceived as selfish?
I think it can be perceived asselfish, but you and I both know
that you have to do that.
Speaker 2 (26:38):
You have to do that.
It's kind of like when you'reon the airplane and you're
supposed to put your mask onfirst before you help the person
next to you, Because if youdon't have your mask on then you
can't really help the littlekid next to you because you'll
be passed out.
Speaker 1 (26:50):
Here's the thing.
If you're choosing yourselffirst, in many different
situations and with regard toyou know, self-love and some of
the mindset shifts mindsetshifts that we're talking about
dating, for example, andchoosing to trust love again, if
you're choosing yourself first,you will be more self-aware of
(27:14):
what brings you happiness, whatthings you will allow, what you
won't allow, and everybody.
There's different circumstances, like somebody's heart and
mindset is going to be differentin a whole new person, right,
and they will have had theirwhole life experiences and
(27:35):
things that have brought them tothat point.
There's a whole lot that has tobe taken into consideration.
It is not cut and dried likethat.
That's like my mantra of neversettle.
I can't just be like, oh, I'mnever going to settle again
because this, that and the otherthing that I experienced in the
past Right, because people youknow as you move through and go
(27:57):
forward into the future andpeople that you allow into your
life.
It's just so many differentcircumstances.
It is not cut and dried.
You have to pay attention, youhave to know what you want for
yourself, what you will allowfor yourself and, once you're
(28:17):
self-aware and, I think,trusting choose yourself, yeah
trusting your instincts andchoosing yourself first.
You know it's proceed withcaution but at the same time
take those risks.
Life is too short.
Speaker 2 (28:32):
Well, and I think, learning from past mistakes,
learning from past decisions,it's like I 100% agree with you.
I think if you take all ofthose hurts and you pile them
all up, we all have them.
If you take them into the next,let's say, romantic
relationship, you're going to bedealing with the same, don't?
Do that you may have somepretty amazing person.
Yes, that is like why are younot trusting me?
Speaker 1 (28:55):
And nobody's perfect.
Speaker 2 (28:56):
No, including us.
Yes, I know it's hard tobelieve Joking, yeah, but yeah,
if you take those things intothe next relationship that you
have, you're going to have someof the same problems, because
they're really coming from you.
Yeah, unless you're choosingsomeone who has the same
characteristics, which we fallinto those patterns we do.
If you're looking at what yourquote type is, you can fall into
(29:23):
those patterns pretty easily.
And it's funny because in thedating world I can even tell you
myself if I see someone or runacross someone who looks like my
ex-husband and he's agood-looking guy, it's not like
he's not a good looking guy,it's more like if he has that
persona, if he has that the vibe, the vibe, if he's in the vibe
law enforcement I'm just like Igo run the other freaking
(29:44):
direction.
I won't even I won't be hunting.
You know all the things that Iwas.
I don't want to deal with thatanymore, and so it's really not
fair, right, but it's.
It is what it is.
It's like I know what I'veexperienced and I know you know.
If some of those little thingsare in there, great, but it's
like the vast majority of what Iwould want in a relationship is
not that.
What I would want in arelationship is not that.
(30:05):
I already had that, so you gotto learn from what you had, yeah
.
Speaker 1 (30:13):
And basically impart what you want going forward, and
I think part of that, I guessthat's what maybe a challenge
would be that I put out to youlisteners right now.
All you spicy midlife women outthere you know, write down
maybe something that is pastrelationship baggage that is
(30:35):
holding you back, identify it,write it down and make the
conscious decision to release it.
Right, we don't have to, like,burn it in the fire like we were
talking about or anything likethat.
You can just write it down,recognize it that it's holding
you back and then rip that paperup, right.
(30:56):
You know what?
Speaker 2 (30:56):
else you could do.
Speaker 1 (30:57):
Just like throw it up in the air and dance it out.
Speaker 2 (30:59):
Yeah, you say I give no fucks, zero, zero.
Well, I was thinking it's likeone really good way to release,
like when you're justfrustrating, when you're angry,
frustrated, whatever is justtake your pillow and scream your
bloody head off in your pillowyeah, I've had to do that before
and it actually made me feelbetter.
Yeah, you know, just likegetting some of that tension out
and it doesn't change thecircumstances, but I felt better
(31:21):
write it, write it down, rip itup, dance it out.
Speaker 1 (31:25):
Yeah, there we.
Speaker 2 (31:27):
And we would love you guys to share your thoughts,
too, with your podcast communitythat we're building, because we
all have been dealing withsomething in one capacity or
another.
Whether it's a friendship, afamily member, a romantic
relationship, it doesn't reallymatter, but it's like the
baggage that we bring with it,you know, is something that we
control and we can make adecision on if we want to hold
(31:47):
on to it and be angry people orbitter people or, you know,
people who don't trust anythingor anybody, and live our life
that way.
Speaker 1 (31:56):
There's no way to live, it isn't no?
Speaker 2 (31:59):
I mean, I can think of this lady.
She's my aunt, she's dead now,but she, I know.
Speaker 1 (32:04):
I don't mean to laugh , just the way you said that my,
yeah, this lady, she's my now,but she, I know I don't mean to
laugh.
Speaker 2 (32:07):
It's just the way you said that my, yeah, this lady
she's my aunt.
She's dead now, she's gone now,but she, it's funny as I've
learned more about her.
You know she was my godmothergrowing up.
But anyway, long and short ofit is, she was married to my
uncle, who's an alcoholic, andhe was not physically abusive,
but he was very verbally abusive, from what I remember, and it
was an ugly divorce, ugly, uglydivorce.
And I was probably I don't know14, 15 or something when they
(32:31):
got divorced.
She never let it go.
Speaker 1 (32:35):
Yeah, you got to let it go, ladies, but you literally
could see over the years, herbitterness and her anger and her
cynicalness just eating heraway.
Speaker 2 (32:44):
Yeah, you know, and she died that way and it's sad.
I think it's really sad becauseshe could have had a really
lovely productive life where shelearned joy and happiness.
And she chose she physicallychose not to, and you know, and
that's her decision, obviously,but what a waste, what a waste
of a life is kind of how I lookat it.
Speaker 1 (33:05):
There you go, write it down, rip it up, dance it out
, dance it out.
Dance it out, dance it out.
All right, but back to thecommunity.
So this is part of we are soexcited to, and will continue to
(33:34):
, build a community for womenwho are at that stage in life,
asking questions, being curious,and we're going to make a
landing place for all of you sothat we can, you know, learn
from each other and grow andhave fun with it.
Speaker 2 (33:46):
And there's some pretty amazing experiences that
you know you have had out therethat I think all of us can
benefit from.
Speaker 1 (33:52):
We need to all learn from each other.
So the Spicy Midlife Womenpodcast is out there on whatever
podcast platform is yourpreference, that's a lot of P's,
I know.
Is your preference.
You will find us out there, aswell as on the socials Facebook,
spicy Midlife Women, instagram.
(34:13):
We are out there on TikTok andeven YouTube, so just check us
out.
We are excited to be here andcan't wait to bring you all
along with us in the.
Spicy Midlife Women community.
That's right.
Speaker 2 (34:28):
Because we're spicy.
Yeah, all right, until nextweek then, ladies, keep it spicy
, yeah, and we'll chat with yousoon.
Speaker 1 (34:36):
All right, later Stay spicy.
Speaker 2 (34:38):
Peace out, bye, bye.
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