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October 27, 2023 32 mins

Ever wondered why your partner struggles to emotionally connect, or why they seem to be constantly putting a wall up in your relationship? Well, we've got the answers for you. Our latest episode is a candid conversation about emotionally unavailable people in relationships. Weshed light on the different archetypes of emotionally unavailable partners, such as the jester and the fixer, alongside a discussion on the role of avoidant attachment styles.

Staying true to our promise of not only exploring problems but also providing solutions, we give you a practical guide on dealing with emotionally unavailable partners. We dive deep into how these relationships can impact self-esteem and unveil the role that understanding your Enneagram can play in identifying unhealthy patterns. Remember, being in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner can be tough, but understanding, acknowledging, and working through the challenges is the key. Join us as we navigate this intricate journey of emotionally unavailable partners and how to cope.
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DISCLAIMER: This podcast is for educational purposes only and does not replace the advice you may be receiving from a licensed therapist.This podcast and website represents the opinions of KathyDan Moore, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Grief Coach Jess Lowe, and their guests to the show and website. The content here should not be taken as medical advice.
The content here is for informational purposes only, and because each person is so unique, please consult your healthcare professional for any medical questions.Views and opinions expressed in the podcast and website are our own. While we make every effort to ensure that the information we are sharing is accurate, we welcome any comments, suggestions, or correction of errors.
Privacy is of utmost importance to us. All people, places, and scenarios mentioned in the podcast have been changed to protect patient confidentiality.This website or podcast should not be used in any legal capacity whatsoever, including but not limited to establishing “standard of care” in a legal sense or as a basis for expert witness testimony. 
No guarantee is given regarding the accuracy of any statements or opinions made on the podcast or website.In no way does listening, reading, emailing or interacting on social media with our content establish a doctor-patient relationship.
If you find any errors in any of the content of  these podcasts or blogs, please send a message to kdandjess@spillingthetheratea.com.
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Transcript

Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome back to Spilling the Thera T with
therapist Kathy Dan Moore andgreat coach Jess Lea.
Hey, Kathy Dan.

Speaker 2 (00:07):
Girl, we're limping in today, we are.
We are limping in.
It's been a week.

Speaker 1 (00:13):
Yes, how are you, I am here, I'm here.
I feel like the only thing wecan do is laugh at this point,
because Matt we're going to cry.

Speaker 2 (00:24):
I know.

Speaker 1 (00:25):
So we might as well just laugh about everything
that's going on, it's just toomuch.
Yeah, like we need not only apodcast but, I think, our own
reality show.
I know, I know.

Speaker 2 (00:37):
I kept thinking, well , clearly I'm not going to need
to reschedule clients today, andthen waking up and being like,
no, I well waking up, it wouldbe kind.
I actually wasn't sleeping andI think I'm immune to Nyquil at
this point.
I think that's where we're atand I was taking Nyquil and
nighttime mucinex and like abunch of other stuff which we're

(01:00):
not telling anybody they shoulddo.
No, obviously.

Speaker 1 (01:04):
You have been to the doctor, though, so you have been
to the doctor twice.

Speaker 2 (01:10):
So I'm just like I'm now done with the antibiotics
and I was like.
I really feel like I shouldfeel better, but we're just
limping to the finish line.
And how's your dog?

Speaker 1 (01:20):
She is okay.
Today.
She's wanting treats, so Ithink that's that's a good sign.
I'm not going to fall in themend, but you know she has heart
failure and it's just a scarything, especially because she's
more founds, and so it's justbeen like a really hard week
with her.
I didn't think she wouldsurvive the week, but I'm glad

(01:40):
she is and I'm dealing with you.
Know, I've been so tired andyou were like you're going to
get the 12 shots.
No, I'm severely iron deficient.
Oh, it was like you might needan iron transfusion or something
.

Speaker 2 (01:57):
Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 (01:58):
They put me on iron pills.
They're like we're going to see, so no one would have been
tired.
No wonder I have black holesthat are like have been there
for so long.

Speaker 2 (02:07):
So I'm just tired, you know we're a hot mess, so
we're talking about emotionallyunavailable people and we're not
really referencing us.
But I am, however, I do feellike we're both a little
emotionally unavailable at themoment.

Speaker 1 (02:22):
Yes, but we're going to talk about different type of
emotionally unavailable people.

Speaker 2 (02:28):
So, for the purposes of this podcast, we're going to
stick to what it looks like tobe an emotionally unavailable
person in a romanticrelationship but these behaviors
do show up in all kinds ofrelationships and to delve into
the topic of emotionallyunavailable parents albeit an
incredibly important topic andsuper impactful to children's

(02:49):
development and who we become asadults, that would need an
entirely different episodededicated to that alone, which I
do think we should do.
But we're also going to talkabout some avoidant attachment
style, because that's acomponent to some, but not all,
of emotionally unavailablepeople.

Speaker 1 (03:07):
Yeah, yeah, for sure, you know someone who's
emotionally unavailable may makesomeone who is emotionally
available feel like their needsare excessive.
Emotions can be gaslighting,but sometimes it's because the
emotionally unavailable personjust can't comprehend the depths
of emotions their partners areexperiencing.
And we're not sayingemotionally unavailable people

(03:29):
are horrible people, guys.
No, and also don't take thisthat way Totally different than
narcissism, narcissisticpersonalities, things like that.
So often a person who'semotionally unavailable has a
fear or blockage to emotionalintimacy.
At least the other personfeeling like they're grasping

(03:49):
for more left, feelingmisunderstood, emotionally
unsatisfied and confused.
An emotionally unavailableperson is typically not willing
or able to truly commit to beingloyal to their partner.
They often want to keep thingscasual and undefined to avoid
the emotional components of along-term relationship.

(04:11):
Let's just keep this cash, yeah.

Speaker 2 (04:16):
We don't run up the labels on this Right.
I heard that from somebodythey've dated before.

Speaker 1 (04:21):
Absolutely.
I have In college.
I mean, you know all the dudes.
But at the risk ofoversimplifying, if you're
wanting a romantic commitmentwith someone who is emotionally
unavailable and they're alsounwilling to address it, that's
a big thing.
You need to find a new partner.

Speaker 2 (04:39):
Yeah, I pulled this quiz from Eggshell Therapy it's
called.
How Do you Know you have anEmotionally Unavailable Partner?
It is not always obviousbecause it can be hard to tell
whether or not your partner isemotionally distant.
You feel like you're imaginingthings and you're wondering why
you're the only one who noticeshow little closeness there might

(05:00):
be in the relationship.
So I'm going to go through thislist, right, and the most
important thing is to trust yourgut, so not doubt yourself too
much.
It's not wrong to feel upset orangry or resentful.
So being honest with how youfeel is the first step.
But the following statementswe're going to go through the
statements that it's calledEggshell Therapy has on their

(05:23):
quiz and see if this resonateswith your partner being
emotionally unavailable, distantor avoidant, so they hardly
share how they feel with you.
Whenever you ask them how theyare, they always say fine or
okay, even when they're not.
Yeah, it takes a long time toget to know them, their feelings

(05:45):
and their past stories,especially their childhood
experiences.
So that's a big one, becauseI'm looking through this and I
have a husband who is not likeall colors of the rainbow
emotions.
Yeah, neither is mine yes, andso when I read the first one, I
was like they hardly share howthey feel whenever they say
everything's fine or okay, evenwhen they're not.

(06:06):
I'm like hmm, yeah, but thenthe next one, I was like no.
So it takes a long time to getto know them or their feelings.
Right, and for me, Doug, iswhat you see is what you get.

Speaker 1 (06:17):
Yeah, and I don't know if you've ever shared
childhood experiences.

Speaker 2 (06:21):
So they turn everything into a joke,
especially when you're showingemotions or if the subject is
difficult.
For them, that's a big one.
I see that a lot in session.
Yeah, so no one likes to argue,right?
Well, most people.
I shouldn't say that I haveclients that like to argue.
Most people don't like to argue.
But being conflict avoidant canbe a sign of emotional

(06:43):
distancing.
So when you bring up adisagreement or you raise a
potential conflict, anemotionally unavailable partner
may distance themselveswithdrawal or kind of counter
attack, rather than connect withyou to resolve the conflict.

Speaker 1 (06:57):
So that can be a sign as well, which that makes sense
, though I mean, if they're amicelline isn't the same,
because they're emotionallyunavailable?
Yeah, definitely.

Speaker 2 (07:04):
Right, yeah.
So they may make jokes abouthow crazy or too sensitive you
are.
They may even suggest that youshould seek professional help
for being too emotional.
So some of this can feelgaslighty and narcissistic, and
sometimes it is, and sometimes,if we're going to do the benefit
of the doubt for somebody, itis that they just cannot relate

(07:27):
to having those kind of emotionsand they really truly are.
Like what the frick is wrongwith you, right, right, I mean
it helps, you know, and the listgoes.

Speaker 1 (07:37):
The quiz goes on to say that an emotionally
unavailable partner mayintellectualize a lot.
So when you talk aboutsomething intimate or express a
deep feeling, they do not give apersonal response, but a quote
from a theory, a book or afamous saying from someone else.
And I have not with my husband,but I have heard this in
non-romantic relationships, so Icouldn't imagine.

Speaker 2 (08:01):
It's all I can do when I hear this in a session to
not like call it out right awaybecause I don't want to put
somebody on the defense.
But yeah, I see that happen alot, where they start to kind of
try to over intellectualize.

Speaker 1 (08:15):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (08:16):
I'm talking about.
I'm like no, no, no, how do youfeel?
Because that's one of the hardthings, right, it's?
Hard even for people who areemotionally available to be able
to identify, label and addresswhat they're feeling versus what
they're thinking.
But, with somebody emotionallyunavailable, they really can
start to expound on this bigtheory they have around

(08:36):
something because they justdon't have access to that.

Speaker 1 (08:39):
Right, right, yeah, they can also make try to make
you feel guilty for wanting moreemotional connection than they
are willing or able to give you,so that could be passive and
withdrawn.
When you seek more reactions,such as asking them how they
feel about what you have said,they withdraw further and refuse
to communicate any further,shutting down Mm-hmm.

(09:01):
When you share something inmore depth, they seem to check
out or have to distance ordistract themselves.
So you may have to ask yourselfare they there with you or are
they waiting for you to finish?

Speaker 2 (09:12):
Yeah, check in.

Speaker 1 (09:15):
Yeah, they try to make up for the lack of
emotional intimacy by showeringyou with physical attention.
So like elaborate dates,expensive gifts oh my gosh, this
is my father.
He was like that he was.
He's very just to himself andyeah yeah, when you express

(09:37):
feeling emotionally alone, theymay blame you for being
demanding or ungrateful,especially because they're
giving you all these things.

Speaker 2 (09:42):
Yeah, look what I'm giving you, look what I'm doing
for you.

Speaker 1 (09:45):
You know what Right.
What else could you want?
Instead of joining with ormatching your emotional
intensity and excitement, theytry to tone it down.
So, for example, they may askyou to chill out when you're sad
or anxious, or ask you to calmdown when you're excited.

Speaker 2 (10:02):
That one just breaks my heart like a little bit.
Oh, I know.

Speaker 1 (10:05):
They hardly ever respond enthusiastically to your
ideas or ventures, so when youbring a new idea to them, they
act as a critic.
I'll be a well-meaning one,rather than an equal, who joins
your enthusiasm as a partner.

Speaker 2 (10:18):
Hmm.

Speaker 1 (10:20):
And then also they avoid talking about their
childhood or act offensively ifyou ask about it.
So they may insist it was goodor they say they cannot remember
anything.

Speaker 2 (10:29):
Yeah, my, the clients I have usually do.
I mean I had a really goodchildhood, like it was really
good, and I'm like tell me alittle bit about it.

Speaker 1 (10:36):
I mean it's just standard, yeah, yeah it was a
brand.

Speaker 2 (10:39):
I mean I had everything I needed.
So we've previously had anepisode on attachment style, so
we're not gonna do a like biglong slide into this.
But I wanted to drop in alittle refresher about avoidant,
sometimes called dismissiveattachment style.
So I'm currently taking acourse on the neurobiology of
attachment through the NationalInstitute for Clinical

(11:00):
Application Application ofBehavioral Medicine.
I think they really use that asan acronym, but I can't
remember then Nick, the NickAmbe, but anyways.
So we're gonna put a pin inthat and Talk about that more in
future episodes, because that'spretty fascinating and I'm not
already done with the course, soI don't have enough to say yet.

(11:22):
Yeah, but, but it isinteresting so far.
But here's, here's kind of thepositives around this.
Adults with avoidant attachmentstyles do seem to be pretty
happy about who they are andwhere they are.
They might be very social, easygoing.
They can be really fun to bearound.
In addition, these individualsmight have a lot of friends and

(11:42):
or sexual partners.
Generally speaking, they're notalone or lonely, right.
So Avoidant adults tend to beindependent.
Self-esteem can be high.
They don't rely on others forreassurance or emotional support
.

Speaker 1 (11:58):
To the positives However, for avoidant adults,
social interactions and bondsremain surface level right,
they're not going to get down tothe nitty gritty.
When things get tough, whenshit hits the fan, they're out.
Um so in order for arelationship to be meaningful
and fulfilling, it has to becomedeep.

(12:19):
That's when you would hit awall with dealing with avoidant
attachment styles inrelationships.

Speaker 2 (12:26):
Yeah, vulnerability vulnerability.

Speaker 1 (12:29):
Uh.
These individuals will let yoube around them.
That will not let you in.
They tend to avoid strongdisplays of closeness and
intimacy.
As soon as things get serious,Avoidant individuals are likely
to close themselves off.
People with avoidantattachments as a result of their
upbringing, their caregivershowed them that people cannot

(12:51):
be relied on.
Whenever they sought emotionalsupport in the past, it was not
provided to them, so they simplystopped seeking it or expecting
it from others.
It's as if they turned off thatswitch and it's just not able
to turn off.

Speaker 2 (13:04):
Turn it off on.
Yeah, it's a real learnedbehavior, a real compensatory
behavior around not getting whatyou needed.

Speaker 1 (13:11):
Yeah, but that said, people with avoidant attachment
style are emotionallyunavailable.
But not all emotionallyunavailable people have avoided
attachment style.
Some have anxious or mixedattachment styles.

Speaker 2 (13:24):
Yeah, and there are different types of emotionally
unavailable partners.
So we can break that down alittle bit.
There's some archetypes thatsort of describe what
emotionally unavailable partnermay look like or feel like.
So it's not and if you'retrying to like, place this, it's
not that your partner has tofall into one or the other
category.

(13:44):
This is kind of a framework.
So I want people toconceptualize this loosely,
because humans are reallycomplex and we can't just all
fit into one little bubble.
But so there's the I like thisone the emotion maybe.
I like it because I see it somuch so it feels familiar.
The emotionally unavailablejester.
So they turn your emotions intoa joke.

(14:05):
So an emotionally unavailablepartner that acts like a jester
or a clown tends to seethemselves as being humorous and
optimistic.
So you might notice thatwhenever you show emotions that
they can't handle, they turnthat into what they might say is
a joke, or they'll make lightof it, of the subject.
And when you confront them,they may defend themselves by

(14:27):
insisting that they're justbeing a positive person or
they're just trying to cheer youup.
So if you continue to showemotion that goes beyond what
they can tolerate and that's thebig term here.
What can they tolerate?
They may drop off communicating, start stonewalling you.
They might act passive,aggressively, such as giving you
cold shoulder, which is another, not responding to messages,

(14:50):
that's all stonewalling behaviorand they may even blame you for
bringing them down and makingthem depressed with your
emotions.
So I see that.
I don't know if you see, I seeit a lot in sessions.

Speaker 1 (15:05):
Yeah, I was just thinking of someone.
I know their spouse, yeah.

Speaker 2 (15:13):
And it just it leaves you feeling so invalidated
right.
If you're feeling like youremotions are constantly not
being validated, it's not thatyou're necessarily a needy
emotional person, it's that thatperson doesn't have the
tolerance to meet you where youare emotionally, to validate you
Exactly.
And laughter I talk about thisa lot too.

(15:34):
Laughter is a really commondefense mechanism.
I'm constantly telling clientswhen they finally get to that
emotion and they can name thatfeeling that they're feeling
they sort of laugh and smile,like I guess I feel abandoned
and they're like kind of smilingand that's this natural kind of
defense mechanism when you'regetting really to the vulnerable

(15:55):
piece of it.

Speaker 1 (15:56):
Yeah, I think that that's common.
I think everyone has probablyexperienced that with something
in their life.

Speaker 2 (16:02):
That when it's just a constant thing then that's when
you're like uh-oh, invalidating, invalidating, invalidating,
yeah.
And so there's also theemotionally unavailable fixer.
So they're always trying tosolve your problem, because this
is another telling sign thatsomeone might be emotionally
unavailable.
They want to jump in and theywant to solve that problem.

(16:22):
So again, this goes totolerance.
They can't be tolerant.
They can't tolerate this middleof you just being upset and
them just sitting with you in it.
So it can come from adiscomfort with their own
emotions that need to controland stay in control, or their
unconscious expectation onthemselves to make everyone else

(16:43):
happy.
I find that parents do this alot, right, so we just want to
get in and fix it and fix it.
I remember listening to a BreneBrown thing once, where she was
saying maybe it was a therapistthat told her one of the
hardest things to do as a parentis to just sit in their
children's discomfort and waitfor them to figure it out.

(17:06):
And I think I've mentioned thisto you before.
I really took that to heartbecause I really wanted to just
make everything so perfect formy kids and just fix it and talk
about it and make it okay, andthat's when I really started
adopting this.
That sounds really tough.
Let me know if there's anythingI can do to support you in this
Right, because then you're notgetting into the fixing right.

(17:28):
So I do see the fixer happen alot in parenting and it
especially happens for peoplewho have been parentified right.
So those are the kiddos thatwere taught to be the parents
when they were children.
So they're in this codependentrelationship with their parents
and they may feel on some levelthat if they're not fixing it

(17:51):
for you, they're failing youright.

Speaker 1 (17:55):
There's also the emotionally unavailable
counselor.
So, contrary to common belief,not all emotionally unavailable
partners come across as rationaland cold.
Some can appear very warm andgenerous but are still distant.
They may be the helper withtheir family and friends and the
one everyone considers to bepatient and generous, but when

(18:16):
you try to take the closeness toanother level with them, you
hit a wall.

Speaker 2 (18:20):
It's interesting if anybody knows the Enneagram.
Have we talked about theEnneagram on here?
Yeah, okay, I was like, did wedo an episode on that?
I can't even remember we haven'tdone an episode that I think
we've like dropped it in acouple of episodes.
We should add that at somepoint.
But that is a big trait, Ithink, of the nine, of doing
that particular thing where theyare so worried about managing

(18:43):
everybody.
Because in the Enneagram foranybody who doesn't really know
the Enneagram everybody issomewhere, but people are one to
a nine and but within thatthere's a level of how healthy
you are.
So you could be a reallyhealthy nine or a really
unhealthy nine, right so, butthat's one of the traits.
That's less healthy ofEnneagram is spending so much

(19:06):
time worrying that everybodyelse is okay, that you don't
have to sit there and beemotionally available yourself.

Speaker 1 (19:13):
Right, right.
And then there's also theemotionally unavailable teacher.
They lack energy and excitement.
So some emotionally unavailablepartners are excellent at
offering practical support.
They're good at providingrelevant information being
available and, by anyquantifiable metric, supportive
Right.
But to the highly sensitiveperson, practical support is

(19:34):
often not enough.
What can be hurtful for anintense person is an emotionally
unavailable partner's lack ofnaturally expressed exuberance.
So teacher type emotionallyunavailable partners do not mean
to hurt or invalidate you, butsomething in them is so blocked
off that they're not able tooffer what you need, even if

(19:54):
they try their hardest to offerthat to you.

Speaker 2 (19:57):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (19:58):
And that's tough, that's tough, and that's tough,
and this is, you know.
This is to say for people thatare the emotionally unavailable
partner, that recognize thatthey are this way.
Because they do want to changethat.
Obviously, therapy is a greatresource for them, but this

(20:19):
might help people realize hey,that's me.

Speaker 2 (20:22):
Yeah, so a lot of this.
We're kind of talking to peopleabout whether or not they're in
a relationship with somebodywho's emotionally unavailable,
but certainly let's make somespace for the people out there
that are like, oh holy shit,this sounds like me, yeah for me
Right, and that's what we saidkind of in the beginning.
It's that it is possible to havea relationship with somebody

(20:42):
who presents as emotionallyunavailable if they become aware
of it and they're willing to dothings to work on it, to
overcome it.
But if they aren't, then youknow no cut in line, so cut and
run, cut and run.
So the next thing is what doyou do if you're in the
relationship with theemotionally unavailable person?

(21:04):
So first of all, know where youstand.
When there's a fear of sharingyour emotions, often the fear of
commitment isn't too far behind.
So the first step is tounderstand where the
relationship is headed and ifit's going to really meet your
needs.
And what are you looking for?
Hey, listen, if you're justlooking to have sex with
somebody and you don't want tohave a relationship past that,

(21:25):
then I guess you don't reallycare if that person's.
So where is it that you stand?
If your partner can acknowledgethat they're emotionally
unavailable, that's a really bigfirst step, yeah.
And if they know that you wanta relationship to progress,
that's another promising sign.
So their self-awareness isimportant.
But our only steps towards thewhole thing Like that's only the

(21:48):
beginning of what's going tohappen to get to you know, a
really healthy relationship?
Yeah, so, because everybodydeserves to be with someone who
can meet them emotionally.
So, again, trust your intuitionabout whether or not a potential
partner has the capacity to dothat, and that's doing the gut

(22:09):
check you know, and if theyrefuse to admit that they have
work to do or they express alack of interest in doing any
work, then that's a pretty clearindication that this person
isn't going to meet your needsoverall.
So that's a starting point.
And then you know, reflect onyour own patterns.
So this is a biggie.

(22:30):
Are you unconsciously drawntowards people who have avoidant
attachment patterns or areemotionally closed off or are
extremely reserved?
So does the partner respond toyou in a way that reminds you of
your parents?
Like, are there triggers here?
Because that's calledrepetition compulsion.
So gaining someself-understanding means that

(22:52):
you can have more balanced viewof the relationship.
So it also allows you to takeresponsibility and
accountability for yourcontribution in any of the
dysfunctional dynamics.
Yeah, so that sets a strongfoundation for improving the
relationship overall.
So that's where I really say agood therapist will be able to
recognize that individual workneeds to happen.

(23:15):
Often that's when I'll have acouple and I'll say hey, you
know, this is a time where Ireally think it might be good
for both of you to be gettingindividual work at the same time
, because I'm seeing some ofthese dynamics come to the
surface.
So because your individualjourney will help you discover
if any of your patterns are alsosparking your partner's trauma.

(23:35):
So even if someone is superhealthy but most you know most
emotionally available person,even if they're super
emotionally available, theymight still be triggered by
certain patterns.
So that can be something that atherapist might help you work
through as well.

Speaker 1 (23:53):
Yep, for sure.
And then also, we talk aboutthis all the time Set boundaries
.
That's like one of my favoritethings to do in 2023.
I'm all about settingboundaries, so know who you are,
what you want, and don'tdeviate from that.
That doesn't rule outcompromise, because that is
important to a relationship, butdon't become what the

(24:15):
emotionally unavailable personwants you to be.
So, for example, don't stifleyour emotions in order to stay
within that emotionallyunavailable person's comfort
zone.
You shouldn't have to changeevery aspect of yourself to
please the other person or avoidcausing them to withdraw
further.
And though it's important tohave empathy for your partner's

(24:36):
past and emotional strugglestruggles, you're not their
therapist.

Speaker 2 (24:40):
But you should suggest one, but suggest one.

Speaker 1 (24:43):
You should be in a relationship where emotions can
be reciprocated, or, at the veryleast, with someone who is
trying to get there.
And then red flags the biggestred flag and sign that a
relationship should bereevaluated is that the
emotionally unavailable partnerisn't willing to get
professional help, and that'swhat we said at the very
beginning of this episode.

(25:04):
So if they're playing it offlike they're not doing anything
wrong or that they're fine withtheir partners the one who has a
problem that's a big sign thatthings will not improve and that
the relationship may even betoxic or abusive.

Speaker 2 (25:17):
Warning, warning, warning.

Speaker 1 (25:20):
Other red flags to be aware of.
Ghosting, gaslighting,stonewalling, and if you're
feeling lonely, often in arelationship.
None of these are excusable andare all signs of abuse or a
toxic relationship.
Yeah, and then the addictivebehavior.
So an addictive behavior onyour partner's part is also
something to watch out for,since it could go hand in hand

(25:42):
with emotional unavailability.

Speaker 2 (25:44):
Right, they're using that outside addiction in order
to manage internal processesthat they don't know how to
process, like internaldiscomfort that they don't know
how to process.
So little.
Last reminder be patient.
So give your partner some timeand space that they need to
process their emotions or theevents that take place.
If you have something thatoccurs, so don't let your

(26:08):
anxiety and your desire forcertainty to drive you to push
your partner to open up or toshare.
So respect that each person hasa way they process and so do
you, right.
So it's your responsibility tomanage your emotions and your
partners to process in whicheverway works for them.

(26:28):
Yeah, so overall, sometimespeople don't change, yeah, and
that means that it's up to youto decide on how much you're
willing or able to put into therelationship with an emotionally
unavailable person.
So just make sure that you'renot short changing yourself in
the long run, because everyonedeserves to feel emotionally

(26:48):
seen and heard in theirrelationships.

Speaker 1 (26:50):
Absolutely yeah, absolutely Okay, all right, well
, let's do it.
Next segment Asked an answerYay.
We have a Mike in Milwaukee.
He says I recently discoveredthat my daughter is struggling
with her self image.
She is 14 and doesn't feelpretty like the other girls.
Any advice on how I can helpher boost herself a seam?

Speaker 2 (27:14):
So, first of all, she's not going to believe you
when you say this.
But the reality is that all ofthe 14-year-old girls don't feel
pretty like the other girls,all except for maybe those two
mean girls, right, like that iskind of a predominant feeling
that we as 14-year-old girls allhave.
So and it would depend on howopen you know the relationship

(27:40):
is.
But it might be worthwhile totalk to her about if she'd be
interested in seeking atherapist for a couple of
reasons.
So number one I'm a really bigproponent of getting kids in to
see a therapist, even if it'sonly going to be for a couple of
times.
We want to be able to create arelationship for her outside of

(28:04):
her family, because anything wesay, like you're beautiful,
you're amazing, you're smart,they don't believe us anyways,
because we're their parents,right?

Speaker 1 (28:13):
Yeah, you have to say that.

Speaker 2 (28:14):
You're my mom, you're my dad, right?
So we want to be able to givethem and give your daughter an
outlet that's outside, andyou're also setting up a little
bit of a safety net for later,so that she feels like she has a
rapport and a relationship withthis therapist that you can
circle back to.
So that's one thing, absolutely, and the other is, for this

(28:37):
particular situation I would say, finding a woman for her to
talk to.
So not that dads can't do itthey can but there is something
different to being able tovalidate and normalize that
experience for a 14-year-oldgirl that I do think a dad would
have a hard time doing.

Speaker 1 (28:56):
Yeah, I agree, yeah, I agree.
And also it gives her her ownperson that's completely
non-biased, not in her everydayworkings, and can really give
her that support.
And I feel like today's worldit's so hard for so many teens

(29:16):
because of social media andthings like that, and I just
feel like kids are mean.
I mean, I know kids used to bemean, but I feel like kids are
really mean these daysespecially, and I think a lot of
it has to do with social mediaand outside information
Influences.
Yeah, but yeah, I think thatwould really really help.

Speaker 2 (29:35):
The other thing is like oh sorry, go ahead, Go
ahead.
Is that you know?
We're putting all this emphasison how we look?
I would ask her to name, youknow, every day, three things
that she really values and likesabout herself.
Or even, if she's going tostick to her looks, what are
three things about how she looksthat she likes about herself?

(29:57):
And then looking for otherpeople out there who represent
things that she values.
I mean away from a Kardashiankind of situation, right, Right.
So what does she want to do fora living?
Does she think that, you know,politics is cool, whatever it is
?
I'm sure she's watching.
She doesn't think politics iscool, but what if she does, you

(30:20):
know?
And looking for differentpeople that she can also look up
to?
Right, so she's going to valuefor things other than physical
appearance.
Yep.

Speaker 1 (30:30):
That's exactly what I was going to say, like find
some things within herself, notjust the outer beauty, which I
know that's what we're talkingabout here, but I know that when
you love yourself on the inside, you feel so much more
beautiful on the outside.

Speaker 2 (30:44):
Right yeah.

Speaker 1 (30:45):
Yes, for sure, yeah, I feel like that that would
definitely help.

Speaker 2 (30:50):
It's cool and it's hard being the parent, right.
We feel so like out of controland again kind of what we were
talking about before.
We want to fix it, Fix it.
Yeah, it's really hard.
Hang in there, Mike.

Speaker 1 (31:02):
All right.
Well, thank you to ourlisteners for joining us today.
If you've enjoyed today'sepisode, please leave us a
review on Apple Podcast.
This will help us move up thechart and be more accessible to
new listeners.
You can also follow us onInstagram and Facebook.
We'll link that below.
Also, we've linked our emailbelow for our Ask and Answer
segment, so don't forget tocheck out our new website also.

(31:24):
We will continue to addresources and information.
I hope everyone has a greatweekend.
We are your host, kathy DanMoore, in Jaisaloo.

Speaker 2 (31:31):
And join us next time .
We'll be discussing parallelparenting versus co-parenting in
divorced families.
We'll be breaking it down onesip at a time.
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